#i can't throw her out but i should eat her by next week bc my mother's coming and if she sees

[mishkakagehishka]

Also it's so hard to play this without wanting to nibble on smth i've had another two slices of sirnica,,,

[nathank77]

7/10/24

2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.

This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.

The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.

I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.

I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.

I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.

My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...

I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.

Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.

I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.

If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.

It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....

I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.

Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...

So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.

I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.

I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.

It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.

99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.

What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.

[pop-punklouis]

Hi loveee 💞

You might be right bc the first time I've heard my older cat hiss was when we showed her our younger cat lmaoo

Yesss attachment theory is so interesting I truly think it helps you understand yourself and others!

No exactly. That or I need someone to like encourage me. Being a perfectionist and having a fear of failure AND procrastinating are the unholy Trinity it runs together. The only reason I didn't abandon painting after a day is bc I somehow was okay at it. You bet your ass I've never watched a single tutorial I simply don't have the patience. I'm either decent naturally or it's not for me 💀

Re: fandom friends: I wholeheartedly agree

Re: shows. Nooo how do you do that 😭 I can't even watch more than one show at a time (unless they're all ongoing shows). I automatically go for light shows as like, coping but I also feel like watching several complex ones at once would be me if I wanted to cope but HARDCORE jfhfhf. Ooh I kinda get that. I liked ST season 3 simply for vibes and aesthetic and like, robin. I thought season 4 (while incredibly different from all seasons) was kinda cool but they kinda ended it messily which sucks. Guess we see where they go for the finale. Supernatural was good then bad then good then wtf?? Then good 👀 then the ending was: trauma I deserve compensation 😭 I do enjoy the earlier black mirror eps more but also I'll eat up more if they did more. White bear is a fav. I also like shut up and dance. I should rewatch it all I've got terrible memory. And I'll deffo be watching midnight mass!

Re: food. Oooh yes Mac and cheese. Simple yet so good. For me I think just Italian food. Pasta. I could have pasta for the rest of my life I think it's just so good.

For today: saw that you're graduating!! Congrats! But that made me realize I didn't know what you're graduating in, so if you feel like sharing, what did you study? Is this a postgrad? Future plans? (I usually hate this question so you can skip the last one!)

Have a wonderful day babe 💗

~🌱

hiiiii babe sorry this is so late this week has been so busy rip but!! i love that about you painting. yeah, i have to at least see some sort of potential in a skill or else i abandon it all together 💀 see! i’m like the opposite of a procrastinator?? if i see i have to do something like three weeks in advance i will think about it obsessively until i do it even though i still have like three weeks to have it done rip it’s so bad. i stress myself over something like i’ve got two days to do it instead of 18 days 🙃 but anyway yeah tutorials have never been my forte either. i like watching paint tutorial videos to help calm my mind down to sleep at night but otherwise

re: shows dude i KNOW i’m truly a masochist with my own brain watching shows. if i’m not watching three at a time i don’t know what i’m doing. it’s so bad. i could never watch multiple shows with other people because it would be a mess 👐🏼 omg how did i forget about robin yesss season 3 of ST had it’s good moments and i loved the robin character introduction. i think i would’ve liked season 4 a lot more if they had stuck to the original lore of the series instead of throwing new thinks in for shock value and plot twists to create new monsters and villains. and holy shit i forgot about the shut up and dance episode of black mirror that was also a really cool one. maybe i also need to rewatch the seasons again. but fr if they came out with more i’d watch them in a heartbeat. pls update me on midnight mass!!! also i recommend you watch 1899 too. i just finished it and i wish i was able to watch it again for the first time. it’s too good ✨

re: food. please love how pasta is both of our favorite foods. what kind of pasta is your favorite? i love cheese tortellini if i had to choose (besides mac & cheese of course)

and yes!! i graduated wednesday with my masters in film & media studies 🥺💕 i truly very little future plans at the moment besides relaxing for the next 5 or so months at home while i figure out what i want to do rip i have a lot of experience in a lot of different things in the industry but nothing has really grabbed me rip would rather just work in an antique store (own one is the dream) for the rest of my life. would be v happy i think 👐🏼

how has your week been? 🤍 have you done any christmas shopping? (if you celebrate!) i feel like christmas has just came so quickly i’m scrambling to do all the shopping and decorating two weeks out 😮‍💨 we just decorated our tree last week so it’s been frantic lol

[marvelous-imagines]

Still loving you

Johnny Lawrence x reader

Request: Awesome! If I may submit 2, 1) where reader likes Johnny, and Johnny is going back and forth with Daniel bc of Allie, and reader breaks it off with Johnny and angst then they get back together. (it's hardly anything like the request and I just realized that and I'm so sorry)

Warnings: mild language. Angst. Fluff at the end!

@jojosgirlkat1dluvr

You Was Seated at a booth with your boyfriend Johnny and his friends at a dinner, listening to them joke around and and just talk about how their karate training went today. You was seated beside Johnny who had a arm wrapped around you, his red cobra Kai jacket on you as you leaned into his side.

"God the waitress is hot, I'm gonna ask her for her number next time she comes around" Bobby, one of Johnny's friends said, causing the rest of the gang to laugh at him.

"she's twice you're age idiot, she's not going to" johnny laughed out, eating a French fry off your plate which makes you swat his hand away playfully.

"oh yeah? 20 bucks says I can?" the boy bets, making you shake your head at him.

"you're honestly betting on it?" you lift a brow at him, shaking your head. Tommy throws 20 dollars on the table causing the rest to do the same.

"if she gives you her number you're not only winning this money, but my respect Bobby" Dutch tells him. You roll your eyes at the boys and finish up your food. After a few minutes the waitress came back to hand you your bill, which Johnny payed for, and you nearly choked on air when Bobby give the older woman a smirk while leaning back in his seat.

"hey babe, I was wondering if maybe I could get you're number?" he said confidently, looking the woman up and down. She scoffs and shows him a ring on her finger.

"I'm married asshole, the only thing you're grabbing is a ride out of here" she growls while stomping away. Everyone at the table burst out laughing, including yourself. Bobby flips you all off and stands up. Causing everyone to follow him out the door.

"you really know how to speak to the ladies Bobby" Tommy laughed, slapping him on the back as you all walked outside into the night air. Johnny still having a arm slung around you pulls you closer. But you can feel him tense up, looking up at him your about to question him what's wrong, but then you see his eyes focused on the new kid larusso and Johnny's ex girlfriend ali.

You couldn't help but feel a bit jealous, you knew he still felt a little something for the girl. He always gave her lingering glances, his eyes lighting up with anger when the larusso boy hangs around her.

It made you feel a little pinge of hurt whenever you would catch him staring at them, especially since you and him has been dating for nearly a week or two now, you feel so in love with the boy, he was so sweet towards you, funny and loving person. And he was so handsome, any woman would kill just to be in your position, having Johnny Lawrence have his arm around them. But you didn't feel as lucky when he looked at ali...

"look at that loser, who the hell does he think he is strutting around here?" johnny seethes while looking at the two, watching how Daniel put his arm around ali. But poor Daniel stops in his tracks like a deer caught in headlights when he sees Johnny and his gang.

"oh no...." Daniel muttered, "maybe we should go..." he looks to ali. But Johnny, pulling his arm away from you stops him from moving by pushing his shoulder, causing Daniel to stumble back some.

"where do you think you're loser?" johnny asks with a smirk, the anger in his blue eye's caused you to give Johnny a confused yet angered look.

"don't be mean to the poor kid Johnny, let's just go" you said trying to get him to leave the boy alone. But he doesn't listen, Johnny's friends watching this go down with snickers and chuckles like it was funny. But for you, it was far from it.

"look man, I don't want any trouble I'm just trying to grab something to eat with my -

"you think I'm gonna let you get away with what you done larusso?" johnny questions while pushing Daniel back again.

"johnny stop being such a jerk and just let us be" ali spoke while standing behind Daniel.

"yeah Johnny let's just go please?" you say but Johnny only scoffs at you.

"and let this loser -

"johnny please?" you whisper, placing a hand on his shoulder trying to get him to calm down. But he doesn't even pay attention to you.

"I don't wanna fight man, but I will if you don't back off" Daniel says in defense, causing Johnny to laugh at him mockingly. You feeling anger bubbling up inside you at how childish your boyfriend was acting.

"did you hear that boys? Larusso thinks he can beat us!" johnny snickers, but Daniel shakes his head.

"just let us go prick"

"who you calling prick loser!" johnny grabs Daniels jacket and ali grabs Daniel while you push Johnny back, his glare falling on you.

"leave him alone Johnny! God you're acting like such a child! Picking on someone so - so innocent!" you say, face flushed with anger. Johnny rolls his eyes and looks away from you.

"so what? You're taking his side now?" he asks, venom dripping from his voice. You scoff, watching how he glares at the ground, jaw tense and fist clenched. "is he taking you to? Stealing you away from me like he did ali?" he questioned with the same harsh tone.

You feel a wave of shock and disappointment wash over you. "why would you even think that? For one thing he never stole ali Johnny, she broke up with you! And another I'd -

"then what the hell do you call that!" he points at ali and Johnny, ali holding Daniel back as he glared at your boyfriend. You feel a wave of fresh anger and glare at Johnny.

"of you can't stop being such a asshole then I'm leaving you Johnny! So you can choose right now, either leave them alone or I'm leaving" you state, crossing your arms. You expected Johnny to calm down, to wrap his arms around you as his tough guy facade washes away for a split second to keep you with him. But you was wrong, instead he let's out a un-amused chuckle.

"go then! See if I care! All you do is nag me over stupid shit like this!" he motioned toward the fight, his once blue loving eyes cold and heartless. You feel hot tears filling your eyes as your bottom lip trembles. You only stare at him hoping he would realize what he said and take it back. But he doesn't, he only gives you a glare.

"okay then, I guess that's that..." you muttered, tears falling from your eye's as you push past him and leave him standing there with his friends, Daniel and Ali.

You walked home that night, heart broken into a million peices. You had thought Johnny was different, that he was the sweet heart of a man whenever you both started dating, the sweet things he would say to you, the way he couldn't stand not holding your hand every second. You thought his soft kisses and exclaims of love for you was genuine, that he actually loved holding you close to him, loved you...

But now you know that was all a lie, the Johnny you thought you knew was just a dream you couldn't even have... Once you was home you laid in bed and cried, the pain of knowing that Johnny didn't love you hurt, the feelings you felt for him apparently unrequited.

The next morning at school was unbearable, seeing him laugh and joke around with his friends as if nothing ever happened, as if he didn't end things with you. But the next few other days was worse, so bad you skipped a day of school, that day being today. You was laid in bed just reading a magazine when your phone rings, ignoring it you continued reading the dumb magazine in hopes of taking your mind of things, but the phones insistent ringing forced you to throw the magazine down and reach over your bed to grab the ringing phone off your bed side table.

"hello?" you grumbled into the phone, but you feel your heart drop, the dark cloud of sadness you've pushed away for the day came right back.

"hey y/n, I know you really don't -

You hung up on Johnny, tears swimming in your eye's. His voice sounded glum, cracking slightly as if he was on the verge of tears. But you knew he wasn't, at least that's what you thought. Because over these past week he seemed happy without you.

Just as you was about to pick the magazine back up the phone rings again, this time you wipe your eyes harshly and pick the phone up.

"look Johnny I -

"it's Bobby, and before you hang up I wanted to let you know that Johnny has been a absolute mess without you... He hasn't been showing up to training at the dojo lately, he's skipping school and he won't even barely talk to us..." he explained, and even though you wanted to forgive Johnny, you knew that it should be in person.

"if he really wants to fix things tell him to meet me at the dinner..." you muttered while playing with the phones curly cord.

"what time?" Bobby sounded relieved and happy. You let a small smile grace your face.

"tomorrow evening at 3pm" you said, hearing Bobby bid you goodnight before hanging up.

You sigh and laid down on your bed, wondering if forgiving would be the right decision. Or if not forgiving him was the wrong....

The diner was full, friends laughing at one another, family having a great time. And then there was you, waiting at a booth by the window alone. It was nearing 3pm, but Johnny was nowhere to be seen. You sigh and can't help but feel slightly disappointed by his absence, you thought he'd actually missed you, regretted his decision that unfortunate night outside this diner.

Looking down at your watch you see Johnny was already two minutes late, sighing your ready to stand up, deciding Johnny needed some time to gather his thoughts...

But you sat back down when you spot Johnny walk through the doors, blond hair a mess atop his head, black cloth that's usually tied around his head gone. He wore a faded old t-shirt and jeans, his blue eye's holding a glum glow about them as he looks up and spots you, quick to stride over and slip into the empty booth with you. You give him a emotionless expression as he opted for gazing out the window.

"penny for you're thoughts?" you asked harsher then meant to. But Johnny looks at you, big blue eye's holding nothing but regrets.

"I - I'm sorry for what happened that night... I was wrong for saying what I did... For pushing you away -

"being a big jerk?" you added to the list. He nods and looks back out the window with a deep sigh.

"I miss you y/n... Please just - forgive me" he whispers, voice holding a genuine hurt tone to it. You sigh looking over Johnny's face, taking in how miserable his eyes are, showing the misery he truly was in over this past week. Reaching over the table and grabbing ahold of his hand you give him a gentle squeeze, causing him to look up with a hopeful glint.

"as much as I hate how you was doing Daniel that night... I suppose I forgive you" you muttered, his face lighting up as he tries to say something but you cut him off "if we start dating again I expect you to leave Daniel and Ali alone Johnny" you explain, giving him a pleading look, begging for him to at least listen to you, promise you.

"okay, done. But if he starts it I'm not letting the little prick walk all over me y/n" he tells you with a serious look. Which causes you to roll your eyes.

"only if he starts it and throws the first punch" you confirmed with a small little smile. Johnny squeezes your hand that he held in yours atop the table as he gives you a little smile of his own.

"and one last thing to discuss..." you trail off, looking away from his concerned and confused eyes.

"what is it?" he swallowed thickly, worried by the look in your eye, how you looked afraid, hurt and skeptical.

"stop making me feel like I'm only just you're friend... I see how you look at ali, the only reason you hate Daniel so bad is because he - what you claim, stole her away from you..." you struggle to look at him, knowing your insecurities was starting to boil over the top. "I know she's prettier and -

"y/n you're the most beautiful woman I've ever lied eyes on, if you even for a moment think I'd ever leave you for ali your wrong. I love you, more than anything and nothings gonna change that" he interrupted your train on insecure thoughts. You feel your heart skip a beat and melting at his words, the way he gazed at you with love and truth, a genuine smile on his face as he let his eyes roam every detail and feature about you.

"johnny - I love you too..." you stuttered as you felt a wave of emotions hit you. Causing tears of happiness to form in your eye's. Johnny let's a little smile tug at his lips as he leaned closer, halfway across the table to cup your cheek.

"I know ya do babe, and like I said before, I love you more" he gives you a quick peck on the lips before bringing your hand up to his lips placing a lingering kiss to your knuckles. Heart fluttering at his sweet little kisses.

That day in the diner you and Johnny sit and talked for hours, his eyes on you never leaving once. He regretted the night he had hurt you and pushed you away, but he knew that if he kept his promises to you that nothing could ever keep you both apart.

A/n: here it is! I hope it isn't as bad as I believe it to be lol, it was rushed. I've been incredibly busy with work and have hardly any time to myself lately!, but here's this and then I'll work on the other one!

[rogue-durin-16]

THINGS NEVER GO AS PLANNED (Part II/VII)

"candy floss"

Summary: After Fred's death, George and Y/n lean on each other to carry on. This wasn't the most brilliant idea, though; George was pretty much in love with the girl, and Y/n— well, she had been dating Fred prior to the Battle of Hogwarts.

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Genre: angst

Tags:

Suggested by: @crispykittywitch

Things never go as planned: @sarcasticallywitty15 @beautyschoo1dropout @s1ut4georgeweasley @leovaldez37 @missmulti @weasleywh0r3s

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: grief, feels, brief mention of Fred x Reader ig?

A/N: I decided to name the parts bc why the fuck not so keep an eye on the titles 👀. This story is based off this convo and these headcanons. If you wanna be tagged in the next parts tell me, and enjoy <3

Prologue :the aftermath

Part I : sleepless nights

Part III: shock therapy

Part IV: wrong name

Part V: the perfect excuse

Part VI: the downfall

Part VII: apart

Epilogue: I still love you

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

The moment the last group of customers decided it was time to call it a day and exited the shop, I left the till counter and grabbed my wand from my pocket, instantly turning the sign in the door so it could be read from outside 'closed'.

A sigh escaped my lips as I leaned against the multicolored wooden rail.

I was drained.

The shop helped our minds to get distracted and stray from the grief, yes, but it was also exhausting.

We had been subconsciously overworking ourselves to the point where it was borderline self-destructive.

It didn't help that I was throwing myself into comforting George, either. I could not be blamed for doing that, though; he was broken.

A part of me, the rational one, knew he would pick up the pieces and build himself up again, it would just take a lot of time.

There was another part of me, though, that depressed, drained part, that was beginning to think he would never heal by himself —maybe he wouldn't heal at all— but still held onto the hope that, if I tried hard enough, I would be able to mend what had been broken in him.

A terrible idea, really, because I started to dismiss in its entirety my own miserable, damaged state.

And George, ever the caring, sensible one, would have noticed that; he would have made me realize I was not doing nearly as well as I thought, he would have talked some sense into me, but he wouldn't— he couldn't, because George was lost in an ocean of grief, trying so hard not to drown that he wasn't able to notice I was trying to aid him from my very own sinking boat.

It also seemed to be working; he was more animated, slept more soundly, and his smile was a bit brighter even —at least the one he had for me.

"Rough day?" My eyes, which I didn't know I had closed, fluttered open at George's voice.

"Very."

He walked to me with a tinge of guilt in his face. "You know we can switch places, right?" I had been working as the public face of the shop since we had reopened, and George had taken on the task of doing the paperwork and shippings instead, showing up from time to time to help me and to let people know there was still a Weasley running the business.

I had been the one to suggest this, since I knew George had compromised with reopening only because of me, and he was clearly not ready to put up a sociable, positive attitude for dozens of people every day.

"Nah, it's fine like this." I assured him with a reassuring smile.

He measured me with his eyes for a second; I couldn't really tell if he saw through me or not. "So I was preparing the today's shippings," he rocked a tiny purple basket I quickly recognised in front of me. "I found this in the back of the stockroom."

"Are those—?"

"Candy floss cupcakes, yes." A year and a half ago we had bought five baskets of candy floss cupcakes from Honeydukes per George's request in order to unsuccessfully try and implement them.

"Are they even edible anymore?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"I hope so?" He chuckled too, tearing the film covering the sweets. "Thought we might as well finish them."

My eyes travelled from the basket to him and viceversa before stating, "well I'm hungry so..."

"Same here." He was the first one to pull out a pastel colored cupcake, though he handed it to me. "Wanna get food poisoning together?" Laughing, I gave him a nod as he grabbed his own cupcake. "At the count of three?"

"One"

"Two"

"Three." We said in unison right before taking a bite of our respective madeleines.

I frowned at its surprisingly good flavour. "Am I delirious or are they actually edible?"

"Dunno," he shoved the rest of his cupcake into his mouth with a shrug. "maybe we're just starving."

"Go big or go home, I guess." I finished my cupcake before leaning on the basket to pick another one. My head snapped up with my brow quirked when I heard a soft chuckle. "What?"

"Nothing." George shook his head, motioning at the stairs. "Shall we sit down?" I followed his lead, sitting on the stairs and waiting for him, who had stepped towards the drinks aisle to grab a couple of juice bottles, to do the same.

We stayed there, eating and drinking in a comfortable silence until the basket was empty and our eyelids threatened to shut.

"I think we should head back to the flat." He spoke, leaving the half empty juice aside so he could stretch.

"I'm gonna learn how to cook." I stated, getting up. "We can't get by based on most likely expired sweets and whatever is in the Leaky Cauldron menu."

"Aight." He mimicked my actions, picking up the stuff we left on the stairs. "We will learn the basics tomorrow." He got behind me and began to gently push in the flat's direction. "But now we're gonna get some sleep, miss."

I would be lying if I said my heartbeat didn't pick up when his hands landed on my shoulder blades and made their way to rub both my arms reassuringly.

I would be lying if I denied I leaned back when he did that, letting myself get closer to his chest.

And I would definitely be lying if I said I didn't crave going back to my room so I could cuddle him all night.

One Week Later

"—right in the cauldron, love." I pointed at the cauldron besides me, giving a sweet smile to the kid in front of me, visibly going to be sick thanks to the free sample of Skiving Snackboxes.

"Y/n!" I spun around at the loud calling of my name above the shop's racket. I was able to discern a long, red mane flowing fast towards my position right on time for the owner to wrap her arms around me.

"Glad to see you too, Ginny." I laughed, trying not to lose balance due to her enthusiasm. "How come you're here?" I questioned, pulling away.

"We heard you were open." Harry walked up to me, appearing from behind the girl, "And thought we'd pay a visit to our friends, right?" Ginny nodded, looking around while Harry gave me a quick, yet comforting hug. "Where's George?"

I motioned up to the small office, redirecting the couple's eyes to the second floor. "Doing paperwork—AH!" I jolted when a pair of hands tickled my sides, my head snapping to see the towering ginger standing behind me. "Speaking of the devil."

"I thought I saw Gin through the window," George explained, his hands lingering on my waist for long enough to his sister to stare, before pulling Ginny into a tight hug. "And came down to check if she was distracting my employee."

"You got her all bored here, mate." Harry pointed out, a light joking tone in his voice.

"And you're the one supposed to help with that?" George rolled his eyes dramatically. "Pfft... What a world we live in." With the said, he gave the boy a side hug. I heard Harry murmur an 'We missed you' before they pulled away with a pat on the shoulder.

My gaze landed on the youngest Weasley, whose welled up eyes were trained on her older brother's half smile. I only averted my eyes and waited for her to discreetly wipe away the unspilled tears while Harry and George catched up.

By the letters she had sent me, I reckoned the last time she had been near George, he had been lifeless; seeing a glimpse of who was once one of the most cheerful, funny and charismatic people in her life, was probably poignant to Ginny.

I hadn't realized she had moved closer until I didn't hear her soft voice. "Thank you." I offered her a confused smile, though deep down I knew what she meant.

Two Days Later

George was having one of those days.

We both knew it was coming soon; it had to happen sooner rather than later, since he had been in a surprisingly good mood for almost a week. I suspected seeing Harry and Ginny had brought back the events of the Second of May.

I suggested to close the shop for the day, since he was unable to move out of bed; he refused to do so, but I convinced him to stay in the flat and rest —it was Tuesday, anyway; I wouldn't have to handle many customers.

Due to that, when I saw Hermione, Ron, Bill and Fleur entered the shop, it was understandable that I hadn't become the happiest person in the world.

I greeted them, there were hugs, kisses, and even a joke or two, and when Bill asked about George, I excused him without giving much detail.

They understood.

Fleur was the one to restart the conversation, lightening a bit before requesting a tour for the shop, since she had not yet been there.

It was when we reached the love potions that Hermione, using the fact that Fleur was very much interested in the product, held my hand and pulled me aside.

"So... how are you doing?" The frown in her face, the fact that she was whispering, the squeeze her hand gave mine, let me know she had read me the moment her eyes met mines.

I sighed with a shrug.

"You can tell me." Could I? "No one's asking you to put on a happy face, Y/n." The girl assured me, her eyes digging into mines. "It's not just George, we all lost—" she shook her head at her own words before correcting herself. "you lost him too."

I lost him too.

I bit my lower lip to stop it from quivering.

The memory of Fred's broken smile as his corpse laid on the stretcher, that memory that haunted my dreams, appeared vividly before my eyes.

My lips started to burn with the ghost of that kiss he gave me before we split up, him with Percy and me with George; it hadn't been meant to be a goodbye kiss. It was meant to be a good luck kiss.

I covered my mouth to muffle a sob, and Hermione's arms were quick to be wrapped around me, reassuringly rubbing my back.

GEORGE'S P. O. V.

I saw them entering from Y/n's balcony; I wasn't emotionally ready to face them all at the same time, but when I didn't see them exit, I figured Y/n hadn't been able to dismiss them.

I decided I owed to them all to bite the bullet, so I threw on a shirt and the first trousers I grabbed, cleaned up a bit and left the flat.

With a deep breath, I made it to the second floor and mentally prepared myself to go down to the first one.

As I began to climb down, though, I noticed Hermione and Y/n talking in private, closer than the others to the stairs.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but all my senses were automatically focused on Y/n whenever we were in the same room; she just stole me away from reality.

"You lost him too."

Hermione's words visibly triggered something on Y/n.

'Something', as if I didn't know what they had triggered, as if I didn't know what— who was on her mind.

I guess he was always on her mind, though.

What was left of my heart shattered in a million pieces when she broke down to tears —for several reasons—. "I miss him." She whispered in Hermione's shoulder. "I miss him so much."

If I had any tears left, I would have cried my eyes out right there. Had I been so selfish that I had disregarded how she was feeling? So blinded by the light and love and warmth she was constantly giving me that I had forgotten about her grief? Was I that bad of a person, that I would have rather live in the illusion that she had not lost the boy she was dating?

My mind told me I didn't want any of those questions answered.

"George!" As Ron yelled my name in surprise, Hermione and Y/n pulled away, the latter rubbing her eyes while both of my brothers jogged upstairs to hug me. "Ginny told us you're open—"

"But Y/n said you weren't feeling well." Bill finished, squeezing my shoulder. "We only stayed a little longer for Fleur to see the shop."

"Yeah, we'll come back tomorrow," Ron assured me. "So you can rest and..."

My brother's voice sounded further and further with each word; I felt myself drifting off, getting lost in my own mind and gravitating towards the same thought over and over.

She deserves better.

[marmelade-sky]

I don't know if you are still doing trc prompts but I had this idea and I can't get it out of my head: some time after trk Blue and Henry notice the sexual tension between Adam and Ronan and they keep on betting when they will get together and don't want to tell Gansey about it bc they think Gansey would be really weird about it but then one day Blue just snaps and tells Adam and Ronan to just get together already and they are like "uhn...we are dating..."

Thank you for the prompt ♥ Ronan’s infatuation with Adam’s ass goes on. 

you can still prompt me, guys :) 

read here on ao3

“Ugh, look at them. Look at these two. Incredible.” Blue looks over the rim of her sunglasses. They’re heart-shaped and violet. Henry does the same, pushing his Ray Bans down the bridge of his nose, following her gaze. 

They’re at Monmouth, enjoying some late autumn sun in the parking lot. Henry insisted on putting up a heinous palm-island-shaped floatie for him and Blue to lie in “to make it feel more like summer”. Gansey is sleeping in dangerously sagging lounger next to them. 

Adam and Ronan are both bent over the Pig. The old one, not the new dream Pig. Something is wrong with it again, Adam is fixing it, and Ronan is apparently assisting.

“…all Ronan does is fuck around and stare at Adam’s ass.”, Henry comments.

Blue snorts. “True. But also his hands. Look-”

Ronan hands Adam a wrench, and their fingers brush. Adam’s lips tighten into a tiny smile and Ronan’s ear tinge pink. 

“Oh my god.”, Blue sighs, and then laughs, “…they really, really need to make out. If not to save their souls, then to save ours.” 

Henry hums in agreement. “I’d watch that porn.”

Blue slaps him. “Do you think they’ll ever figure it out?”

Henry hums again, this time less certain. “…I hope so.” He pauses, then looks to her, “…do you mind it? I mean, you and Adam-”

“Pshah.” Blue gestures, flapping her hand, “That’s so irrelevant.” 

Henry grins, a little relieved. “Good. I mean, yeah, you have me and Ganseyboy over there now to worship the ground you walk on, so-”

He breaks off when Blue rolls over on top of him, simoultaneously slapping him, laughing, and kissing him. 

He grabs her wrists. She eventually just slumps on top of him, her cheek on his chest, looking over to the soundly sleeping Gansey. His face is starting to redden. 

“…we should put sun screen on him.”, Henry says as if he’s reading her thouhts. 

Blue nods. 

After a moment, she asks: “…do you think he’d mind?” 

Henry considers the question. “Not really mind, maybe? But…” He shrugs a little. “…I think he wouldn’t know werther to get protective over Adam, or Ronan, or both of them and it’d mess with his head.”

Blue hums in agreement.

-

It takes two more weeks of watching Adam and Ronan flirt with each other and dance around each other for Blue to snap. 

It’s two weeks before Adam is supposed to leave for college and they’re getting Gelato. 

They sit inside the parlour, happily eating their ice cream. Gansey and Henry are eagerly discussing some extension for RoboBee, taking up the conversational space at the table. So only Blue hears it when Ronan asks Adam: “Wanna try some of mine?” 

She watches sneakily from the corner of her eye as Adam nods. Ronan uses his spoon to scrape up ice cream, a generous dollop of it, and then holds it out for Adam. Adam, without hesitation, leans in and licks it off the spoon. Ronan’s eyes are fixed on Adam’s mouth, his tongue darting out. 

“Oh my fucking goddess.” It escapes Blue, sounding exasperated. All of her boys freeze and look at her. 

“You two.” She points her spoon at Ronan and Adam, “Can you please, PLEASE just finally start dating? I can’t take all of this sexual tension!” She turns to Henry and Gansey- “Sorry, but this is driving me nuts.” 

There is a brief silence at the table, and then Ronan starts to laugh. A true, honest belly laugh, so hard that he leans back in his seat. Adam, too, starts smirking, and then laughing, and to both Blue’s and Henry’s surprise, Gansey joins in as well. 

Henry and Blue exchange a confused glance. 

“Okay, what’s so funny? Can you guys please enlighten us? It’s rude to-”

Henry’s sentence stops short in the middle of it as Adam leans across the table and pulls Ronan into a kiss. They are both still grinning. 

Gansey chuckled good-naturely. 

Henry and Blue stare.

“Oh.”, says Blue, finally.

“Oh, indeed.”, Henry agrees. Even he is too dumbfounded for a smart comment. 

“You knew?!” Blue’s voice is accusatory, and Gansey quickly holds up his hands in defense. “Don’t chew me out for it, please. I promised not to tell!” 

“Ugh!” Blue rolls her eyes in a gesture that gives Ronan a run for his money. Then she glares at Ronan and Adam. Adam smiles at her, equal parts sheepish and apologetic. Ronan has resumed eating his gelato. 

“You do realize that this makes us one of those circle of friends which consists solely of couples?”, Henry throws in. “I haven’t decided whether I find this cool or not.”

“Noone cares, Cheng.”, Ronan drawls.

“I think it’s cool.”, Gansey comments cheerily. 

Blue silently agrees as she watches Ronan’s eyes catch Adam’s, full of light and adoration.

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

Hi! Do you think you can do a Jughead sickfic where he's sick at school and refuses to acknowledge that he is sick when it's obvious to everyone else? Sorry that the request is so general, but if you can do something that would be great and if you can't I totally understand. You're an amazing writer, keep it up!!!!

(First of all anon you are honestly the sweetest???

When life constantly throws obstacles and hardships at someone, that someone tends to grow a thick skin. However, a certain degree of care afterwards must be performed because at the end of the day, people are still human. Humans get hurt and weary.

Jughead tended to ignore the scratches and wounds that life gave to him, because processing everything that’s happened to him would surely drive him insane. If he for one second truly take in the harsh reality of his life, he wasn’t sure if he could put himself back together again. He developed an unhealthy coping mechanism of brushing things off and pretending wounds weren’t there, if he didn’t just laugh it off.

The same method applied to his physical health. If he had just elected to pretend it wasn’t there, everything would be fine.

The last thing Jughead needed was to get sick.

The past week had been far far too much for him. Jughead rarely ever cried, and this week he had cried 8 times that week already.  Nothing good seemed to come from that week. Of course, Fred Andrews was kind enough as to let Jughead stay with them long term, until at least FP could get out of jail. The way things were looking, that wouldn’t be for a very long time.

It really had been a hectic week, and Jughead’s crappy body of course could not handle it. It wore him down, until he woke up sick with a fever and a stuffy nose.

Jughead hadn’t even been in school for quite a while. After Homecoming, he had turned up once and literally forced out of school. He had missed days due to police interrogations and the like, and when he was granted back access to the school, Fred forced him to stay home for a mental health day. Needless to stay, he was really behind in all his classes.

Jughead could not afford to miss another day of class. He wasn’t exactly straight A student Betty Cooper. Which was the reason Jughead began to drag his sick, weary body out of bed and to school.

“Is Jughead still not awake?” Fred commented as he watched Archie nearly finish his bowl of cereal.

“I’ll go–oh,” Archie stopped himself as Jughead shuffled into the kitchen. He was fully dressed in his usual S T-shirt, dark jeans, loose suspenders, worn out converse, messy dark curls peeking out of a grey knotted beanie and denim jacket combo, but he looked awful.

“Woah, you okay sport?” Fred blinked, taking in Jughead’s pale face and dark circles. The kid looked behind exhausted. However sickness was not even on Fred’s radar, he just thought Jughead had yet another fretful sleep.

Archie frowned as his friend sat down next to him and poured the milk into his waiting bowl of cereal, “You not get enough sleep?”

Jughead smiled at him weakly, “Yeah, that’s it. I’ll be fine though.”

Fred frowned, “You sure you should go to school today? I can ring..”

“No, Mr Andrews, thank you though. I’m fine, honestly. I need to catch up,” Jughead insisted, his voice giving out by his last sentence, sounding strained and obviously painful. He cleared his throat and coughed lightly into his elbow.

“Hm, okay,” Fred said reluctantly, glancing at Archie briefly as if to tell him to keep an eye on Jughead.

Archie eyed his friend worriedly, but sighed and gave in. He finished up his bowl of cereal and waited for his friend to finish so they could head to school.

Jughead and Archie were pretty silent the walk to school. Both of them had their headphones plugged in, listening to different music.

Archie could faintly hear light sniffling mixing in with Daughter’s “Youth” he was listening to. He yanked out the headphones off of his ears, the melody abruptly stopping as he looked over at Jughead.

Jughead rubbed at his nose lightly, putting his hand down when suddenly he was involuntary inhaling sharply. He raised his elbow to his face, turning away from Archie and sneezing two, tired sounding sneezes. Once he recovered he lowered his arm, giving one sniffle then continued on listening to his music, like nothing had happened.

“You’re sick!” Archie accused, stopping.

“No I’m not,” Jughead said casually, a little boredly even.

Archie was a little taken aback, tongue-tied. He was at loss for words. Normally Jughead was a lot more defensive about his sickness denial, and this lack lustre, “just another day” attitude was working. Archie felt a little intimidated, realising Jughead was improving at his denial tactics and he would have to start forming a new strategy against him. He pouted to himself for a few seconds, because he had just gotten a hang of calling Jughead out of his bullshit.

Once Archie got over himself he stopped again, “We are turning around and going home.”

Jughead smirked at him, “What? Tell your dad I sneezed and I have to stay home? C'mon Arch, it’s a natural bodily function–some particles in my nose that needed to be expelled, probably.”

Archie glared, “Jughead Jones, I know what you are doing! Don’t think I don’t know your evil, scheming plan..”

Jughead looked playful, “It just appears you want to miss school because of that math test you have.”

Archie groaned, sulking, finally giving in and continuing their walk to school.

Jughead had finally managed to get Archie off his back when he went off to do some music stuff with the Pussycats, and he felt relieved. He made his way through the crowd of people, trying to reach his locker. Once he arrived, he started to unlock it when suddenly someone was pulling his beanie off.

Jughead groaned quietly, turning his head around to face Reggie Mantle with an annoyed look on his face.

The victorious, playful grin on Reggie’s face instantaneously faded once took in Jughead’s sickly appearance. He frowned and carefully replaced the beanie clumsily onto Jughead’s messy dark hair.

“Uh..sorry dude, you got a cold?”

Jughead rubbed at his pink nose and shook his head, “No? Didn’t know where you got that idea?”

To further debunk that statement, an irresistible itch began to gnaw at his throat. Irritated tears pricked at his eyes, as a brief but harsh coughing fit tore its way out of his throat and into his now surely germ infested jacket sleeve.

Reggie pressed his lips together and pulled out a packet of cough drops from his jeans and pressed them onto Jughead’s palm, “Sure thing, beanie baby. Uh..welcome back and..don’t die I guess.”

Reggie stalked off into the crowd quickly, not even giving Jughead the chance to protest. He quickly unwrapped one and popped the drop into his mouth, pocketing the rest of the pack and silently praising all the deities for Reggie Mantle. Jughead breathed in shakily, discreetly pressing the back of his hand against his forehead to check his own temperature.

He frowned at the intensifying heat, hoping today would go by as soon as possible. He breathed in heavily, bracing himself for the day.

The reason Jughead had decided to brave through the day and get his sick ass out of bed was so he could catch up with school, and now he couldn’t even hear what the teacher was saying because of his fever. Jughead was seriously regretting his decision because now his little sacrifice was worth nothing. He still couldn’t just admit that he was sick, so he continued on with his little charade.

Jughead squinted, hoping his vision would focus and stop fading in and out so he could stop feeling so nauseous and generally unwell. He was focusing so hard on trying to concentrate he didn’t even notice a sneeze building up and creeping up on him, until it was too late.

He had barely managed to cover his face with his arm, causing Veronica to look over sympathetically. “You’ve got yourself a really bad cold, haven’t you?” She sighed.

Jughead sniffled and shook his head, voice contaminated with congestion, “Huh? No, I haven’t.”

Veronica blinked incredulously, “..uh, babe, you are very sick.”

Jughead shook his head calmly, “I think you’re misunderstanding. I’m not sick.”

Veronica raised an eyebrow, “Um, Jughead..the whole world can see you’re–”

“Lodge!” The teacher yelled.

“Sorry,” She apologised quickly, sparing an exasperated glance over at Jughead quickly, before he shrugged at her and gave her a small, reassuring smile.

She sighed in frustration and turned frontwards again and got back to the lesson.

Betty released a sigh of relief as the bell rang, commencing the beginning of lunch time and thus dismissing her from her absolutely boring History class. She was already so done with today, and just wanted to eat and hang out with her friends.

She got up from her seat and left the classroom, taking a quick detour to the bathroom. Once she had finished, she made her way towards the Blue and Gold office as she had left her lunch there earlier that morning.

As she neared the door of the office, she could faintly hear a chorus of congested sounding coughing from within. She raised her eyebrow in suspicion, and slowly opened the door to reveal Jughead resting against one of the chairs, shaking violently.

Jughead’s eyes widened as Betty’s figure formed in his vision, jolting straight so he was no longer slumped weakly against the chair, trying to stop his shivering, “Betty! Hey! How are you?”

Betty raised her eyebrow at the rough edge of Jughead’s lowered voice, taking in his sickly features and frowned when she came to her conclusion, “Awh, Jug..you’re not looking so good. How’re you feeling?”

Jughead shook his head defensively, “I feel fine. I was just going to get a head start on the article..”

Betty shook her had furiously, “No way! For one you’re sick, and for two you need to rest! It’s been a tough week.”

Jughead stood up, hoping to prove his point but swallowed as a wave of nausea hit him from standing up, his entire frame racked with shivers, “Im okay, Betty. Really! I don’t even know why you’re so concerned when I feel great.”

Betty sighed deeply, “Jughead..”

“I’m fi–” Jughead cut himself off as he inhaled involuntarily, quickly turning away to harshly stifle three sneezes into his arm,  naively hoping Betty wouldn’t have noticed.

“Bless you,” Betty said softly.

“I didn’t sneeze!” Jughead insisted.

Betty looked incredulous.

“C'mon, Betty, lets go to the cafeteria or something,” Jughead pressed, making a move to exit the office when Betty wedged herself in between. She crossed her arms, face stern, as firm and resilient as she could be.

“Jughead Jones, you are not leaving this room. You are going to sit your sick ass down on that chair and relax.”

Kevin sat down at their usual table already inhabited by Archie and Veronica at the cafeteria, his face scrunched up in worry and concern. He looked a little spooked even, like he had just seen a ghost.

“What’s wrong Kev?” Veronica asked.

Kevin shook his head, “Its just..have you guys seen Jughead today? He looks awful.”

Archie rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh, “I keep trying to call him out on it, he’s so obviously sick it’s painful. I’ve tried to coax the truth out of him secretly by blessing him whenever he sneezes but he just acts like he didn’t sneeze at all?? It’s so frustrating.”

Kevin nodded in agreement, “Like he was just staring at nothing the whole time during Geography, like his cheeks are so red with a fever but he’s shaking so much?? The teacher asks him if he’s alright and he starts explaining the key features of an OS map.”

Veronica couldn’t help the laugh forcing its way out of her, trying to stifle the sound earning a glare from Archie.

“What?! That’s hilarious!” Veronica protested.

She sighed, “Yeah okay, it’s hilarious but it is concerning. Was he sick this morning? How’d he get sick?”

Kevin spoke up, “He got sick through a culmination of the infamous shitty Jones immune system and all the shit he’s been going through lately. I mean, that’s gotta be rough for his body, right? Speaking of which..”

Kevin’s voice lowered into a more soft and sympathetic tone, “How’s he holding up?”

Archie sighed sadly, “Not good. He isn’t sleeping, he’s having really bad panic attacks, he doesn’t even eat as much as he normally would.”

Veronica widened her eyes, “Jesus.”

Archie nodded, “Exactly! We didn’t even realise he was sick this morning because he’s been this dull the whole week. If only we could just tackle him down and get him to admit he’s sick.”

Veronica nodded in agreement, “This is frustrating. Where is he, anyways?”

Kevin pulled out his phone as it beeped, quickly scanning through his new text, “Uh, I got the answer to that.”

He raised his phone up so that the two could see what the text said.

Betty Cooper: Kev Jughead is super sick and he’s not admitting it so I’m trying to trap him in the blue and gold office hurry please I can’t hold him in here by myself

“C'mon, lets go get them,” Veronica announced, standing up and heading for the office.

The three friends managed to arrive at the Blue and Gold within two minutes of Betty sending the text; and when the Kevin opened the door to reveal the sight, Jughead looked even worse than he already was.

He was convulsing violently, arms wrapped around himself to try and provide himself with some warmth. His nose was rubbed raw, an angry shade of red and his cheeks were the same shade of red, flushed from a fever. His eyes were watery and bleary, face ghostly pale, highlighting his dark circles.

Betty was hovering over him, trying to feel for his temperature but Jughead was ducking away defensively, clearly not wanting her to feel his forehead. Betty sighed in frustration, trying to get a grip on his forehead but Jughead would only inch away from her, lightly swatting at her hand.

“Oh my god, Forsythe! If you’re really ‘not sick’ Just let me feel your forehead!” Betty exclaimed impatiently.

Jughead opened his mouth to protest but widened his eyes as he caught sight of his other friends. He instinctively straightened and cleared his throat, brushing messy curls out of his face.

“Wh..” Betty turned around to face her friends, and let out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god you’re here! Help me hold him down!”

“What?!” Jughead exclaimed, voice cracking and hoarse. Quickly, he turned away from her to stifle a sneeze into his shoulder.

While his guard was down Veronica rushed over and pinned him down in place so he wouldn’t duck away. Jughead squirmed, leaving Kevin and Archie at awe from Veronica’s display of great strength.

Betty pressed the back of her hand against Jughead’s forehead and frowned deeply at the result, “Jughead! You are burning up!”

Jughead shook violently, teeth chattering but shook his head all the same, “No I’m not!”

Veronica rolled her eyes, “C'mon Jughead, you’ve lost this battle. C'mon and admit it.”

Jughead shook his head childishly, crossing his arms and pouting. He sulked in the chair for a little while, still shaking and shivering.

“Awh, you actually look kinda cute when you’re sulking,” Betty giggled.

Archie sighed deeply and took off his Varsity jacket, grabbing at Jughead’s arms and putting the way too big jacket on him.

“Archie! It’s huge!” Jughead whined, stretching his arms out which were engulfed by the jacket sleeve to prove his point. However, despite his complaining he couldn’t complain about the warmth and comfort the jacket brought him.

Archie smirked, “Well I’ll take it back then.”

Jughead pouted, “No!”

The rest of the group erupted into laughter.

“You can keep the jacket if you admit you’re sick,” Kevin suggested.

Jughead huffed, “I–I..”

He sighed deeply and pouted, looking away in embarrassment, “Yes. Yes I am sick.” He sneezed into the soft fabric twice to prove his point.

Jughead curled up into the chair, snuggling up into the oversized but comforting fabric of Archie’s jacket. He closed his eyes exhaustedly, only then letting his guard down and showing how weak he actually felt.

“Yeah, I don’t..feel great,” Jughead mumbled.

“We know sweetie,” Veronica said softly, sitting down on the chair next to him and gently caressing his dark hair.

Archie smiled softly, “I’m glad you told us. I’ll go to the nurses and call my dad, you’ll be home soon.”

Jughead managed a soft smile, “Y-yeah..h-home.”

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.