#i can't seem to get around the walls these longfics have left behind

[thatfanfictionchick]

ALRIGHT MY LOVELIES 💐💐💐

I'm having a hard time right now, a really hard time, trying to write.

I think pregnancy brain fog is a huge part of it, but I think the OTHER big part is that I've bogged myself in with long fics (Helios, Artemis, Mammon, Asmo, and one redacted on deck) and it's making it hard to think of anything else.

So! I've got this little prompt list smutty of course because what else could it possibly be and if any of you would be so kind to oblige me pretty please pick one, and a pairing, and send it to me! And come Monday I'll hopefully get out some good little ficlets that might help clear out the brain cobwebs.

✨

❌ 1 “Beg for it” - Helios

2 “C’mon give me something useful” “Oh I’ll give you something” - Helios

❌ 3 “You look so pretty when you cry” - Beel

4 “Cum for me sweetheart”

5 “Aw you had a dream about me?” - Cyril

6 “That’s it baby, make a mess” - Lucien

7 “Swallow it, that’s a good girl” - Victor

8 “You wanna make me a daddy huh?” - Victor

9 “You are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, hands down”

10 “All I know is, it’s taking everything in me not to fuck the living shit out of you right now” - Helios

11 “Are you trying to seduce me?” “Dunno, is it working?” “....yes” - Kiro

12 “We’re in public, you know” - Victor

13 “This sofa costs fifteen thousand dollars, don't you dare ruin it” "Guess I'll just have to cum in you then" - Shaw

14 “There's no way I'm gonna let you wear that in public” "Why not?" “Cause It would be a shame to rip it off in front of a hundred people, such nice material” - Arthur

15 “You aren't taking me to bed EVER” "Who said it had to be a bed?" - Arthur

✨

If you've gotten this far you know my fandoms 🤷‍♀��� I'll take the first pairing request per prompt and update the list so y'all know what's left.

oh and if you've sent me an ask and I haven't answered it it's either because it's a reminder of what I'm writing or it is really lovely and I'm not ready to part with it yet 💋

[reliquiaen]

I wrote a thing and I was wondering if you would read it? It's a bubbline fic. It's called i could live without you (just don't want to) If you left a comment on what you thought I would greatly appreciate it. (Also apparently you can't post links in asks!? Who the heck thought of that?)

would you believe ao3 had the AUDACITY to tell me my comment was too long? outrageous. check below the cut.

It’s a little awkward to have Bonnie’s hand actually hit Marceline’s chest. Stand in front of your door and open it. Picture where the person on the other side is. There’s more space there than could be comfortably crossed by a casual arm swing from knocking. She would’ve struck air.

Set the scene more clearly. Has Bonnie ever been to this house before? It seems like she hasn’t but the reader doesn’t know that. We have no idea the pre-established relationship (whatever that is) between them either, so we don’t know if it’s even reasonable to expect that Bonnie has been here before. The lack of context also raises questions about the stuttering, especially since Marceline uses a nickname quite easily right at the start. Basically what I’m getting at here is that there’s a disconnect between how familiar they’re being with each other; Marceline is being real casual/familiar but Bonnie seems to be treating this like they’re strangers (or the next thing to it). Shoot for a little more consistency.

Following on from this point: the house is lovely? We have to take Bonnie’s word for it. You don’t have to go into any great amount of detail, just give us the top three things that make it lovely (well-lit, classy decorations, homey, photos on the walls, colour scheme, tidy - just a few ideas, fill it in how you think lovely looks!). Also not expecting you to have a floor plan (unless this is a longfic in the making and we’ll be spending a lot of time here, then yeah make a floorplan for your reference and consistency), but in your head you should know where things are and where the characters are going. So where’s this hallway in relation to where we started? Did we go through any rooms? Are there doors? What the heck is this rope??? Explain (from Bonnie’s POV) as she tries to figure out what’s going on before it happens, our brains work quickly, try and throw some of that in there.

Be careful using traits/descriptors in place of names as well. It can be useful when the character is a stranger (referring to them as ‘the tall guy’ or whatever if it’s a defining trait) but we know who these two are, use their names. Or pronouns. I find the best way to use pronouns in place of names is that the last character who’s name was used gets the following pronoun.

Description of the bedroom is pretty good, we have no guidelines to go by though; is this like the rest of the house? How tall is the house? Were the on the bottom floor and the attic is the only other floor? Or did they go up stairs? How on EARTH did a piano get up there? Strange items? Those seem like a focus point; take Bonnie’s personality into account: she’s the sort of curious where she sticks her nose where it shouldn’t be regardless of consequences. Plus ‘strange’ is the sort of word that readers will expect exploration for. Be careful of wording; Bonnie’s not analysing this, just taking it in. If you want her to be analysing, give us some more thought processes. What does she think of these things, is there anything in particular drawing her attention, is she uncomfortable and why, etc.

This is the first mention of them being in school together? There’s a basement? Definitely work on figuring out how all the rooms fit together.

Coming back to my point about setting your scene rn bc Bonnie has a crush? We are just learning this. Also why is Marceline tickling her? That’s VERY comfortable. I feel like we defs need some more details about their relationship as it stands. Especially now that Bonnie is using a nickname.

Careful with transitions. Felt like a whirlwind of situation changes happened right there between Bonnie lying down, Marceline leaving (??? not good host etiquette), Marceline coming back, the tickling??? and then the alcohol announcement. There’s very little to help with those transitions or explain any reasoning behind them.

(This is probably as good a time as any to just ask you to be careful with your speech tags and punctuation. Is Bonnie giggling the ‘stop’ or is she saying that around giggles or is she saying that and THEN giggling? Please don’t overuse smirk. It’s a great word for a sassbox like Marceline but too much smirking and it just becomes the smile of a shit-stirrer.)

Again: transitions. Marceline is pouting now. Describe it. Is this different? Has she got a reputation for being the sort of person who’s pouts folks can’t say no to? If not consider how that factors in. Please also ask where Marceline got the alcohol, why she’s drinking it, how old they are, why Bonnie is making this exception, Marceline’s motives behind sharing it (is it bc she wants to look cool? Does she understand what sorts of things Bonnie thinks are cool?). Also ask what YOUR motive is for the alcohol. Is it just to lower inhibitions and get them to talk more freely than they usually would? If that’s the case, reevaluate your use of it. It should serve a purpose for the characters as well as for you. (Pet peeve: this is an especially tricky situation for other reasons: they’re underage and consent. It’s brought up heaps in other fics, I know, but it’s worth considering anyway.)

Tie your references to blushing into what else is going on at the time. Otherwise they feel disjointed; like things you’re just reciting. Don’t give us facts! Give us emotion!

Check your tenses. By which I mean just make sure you’re not switching between past and present tense accidentally when referring to multiple actions in a single sentence. (Should be ‘plopped’.) “Shook her head yes” - check that, should be nods I think, yes? Yeah just some grammar issues here and there, a few missing words and tense mix ups, punctuation problems, capitalisation. Nothing major (we all do it) just make sure you check for them.

Use of omniscient narrator for the briefest of seconds. I get that you’re trying to convey to the reader that Marceline has a crush too, but Bonnie has thus far been your sole narrator so if she can’t hear something we shouldn’t either. Alternatively, grab a Virginia Woolf novel and welcome to the omniscient narrator club!

New speaker = new paragraph. But same speaker = same paragraph. You’ve split up some of Marceline’s dialogue into two paragraphs which can be confusing. Marceline is playing music she wrote? Why? Is she shy about this? Does she do it often? Again, is it bc she’s trying to impress? Is it bc she’s going on drunk?

Marceline is getting her way a lot. We, the reader, know why. Consider from their perspective though: does Marceline know why? Does she suspect? Does she feel guilty for pressuring Bonnie? How does Bonnie feel about it? Growing frustration? A little bit of that patented Hopeless Gay™?

Why the boredom? If this was a planned get together why did neither of them think about what they were gonna do? Bonnie especially would be the type to have a plan. She probably googled ‘platonically hanging out with your crush’ to see what came up lol.

The innuendo at the end feels a bit rushed, too. But that could just be bc we haven’t seen any of the build up to this. Have they been pining for several years (unlikely if they’re in high school)? Is it the alcohol talking? Is Marceline joking? How can we tell? Is she phrasing it like that just to get a rise out of Bonnie? What does she think NOT getting that rise out of Bonnie?

Anyway that was a lot of rambling I’m very sorry. Overall a good tight storyline, it starts, it builds and it concludes satisfactorily. You just need to practice writing as a thought-process sorta thing, I’m not sure how to explain it better than as a connecting of ideas together. I mean I won’t claim to be great at that sometimes I force a situation to get to where I wanna go (sometimes you have to), but yeah just check in with your characters, plan things out (doesn’t have to be a huge spread out thing, just make a few notes about where things are) and ask questions! To question your story and motives can only make it better! It’s all that background stuff that the reader doesn’t see that makes up this underlying network of ideas, concepts, actions and characterisation that really holds up the plot and keeps shit consistent!

And that is… all the advice I’ve got! Sorry if any of it came out sounding a lil brusque it’s been a loooooong day u.u

[sarushell]

Day 22: They Made me do It

CW: mention of death

Summary: El visits his other self who has been incarcerated after encountering him at the World Tree.

Word count: 1,139

Note: Just for reader friendliness, Eleven's the guy who's from the future, traveled back in time, and been mistaken as the Darkspawn. El's the ignorant cinnamon bun who hasn't seen a lick of act 2 before. (If this longfic thingy ever gets published that was sorta the plan for distinguishing them forever)

Heliodor castle was quiet the evening of King Carnelian's burial. Jade had holed herself up in her room as soon as the proceedings were over, wearing a black veil and leaving a trail of silent tears behind her, Rab at her side.

El, Erik, Serena, Veronica, and Sylvando sat around a table.

"I still can't believe Jade's old man is gone," Erik muttered.

"I know," Veronica said. "Here I was thinking the Darkspawn didn’t even exist. He sure played us for fools, huh?"

"How terrifying, to think that someone would use your image for evil," Serena said, turning toward El. "I rather hate to think about it, actually! He was so ruthless..."

Sylvando smiled. "Don't worry about him, darlings. He's locked safely away in jail, where he belongs. And there won’t be his little tea leaf to break him out this time!"

Erik sneered back, but El frowned between them. «Mm…» El hummed. «I don't know. There was something about his expression that didn't speak 'evil' to me.»

Veronica snorted. “Your body double murders a man in cold blood in front of you and you have the sympathy to feel bad for him?”

El squinted. He lifted his hands and started to sign, his fingers sure. «He came out of nowhere. We hadn't even run into him before that. And it's not like he attacked me.»

Sylvando straightened. "That's because— Well, hmm... you do seem to have a point, darling. Why attack the king and not the Luminary? If he wanted to destroy the world, certainly he would have gone after you?"

Erik shrugged. "Doesn't bear any thinking about. Don't you think we have bigger fish to fry? They said Mordegon is still out there somewhere, and we're left cleaning up this mess. Maybe this was his way of distracting us."

"Oh, I see!" Serena gasped. "Then we must be more careful then. Perhaps we should leave the castle soon to search for him?"

"Sounds like my kind of plan," Veronica said, smirking. "What do you say, El? Think we should start off on our next adventure soon to defeat the Lord of Shadows?"

El hesitated. He sighed. «I want to talk to the other me, just once. Before we go.»

The others frowned.

"Talk to him?" Veronica repeated. "And say what? 'You're cool, let's be friends'?"

"It could be dangerous," Serena added. "We don't know what he's capable of. What if he hurts you?"

El gestured to the Sword of Light strapped to his back. «I'll take this with me, for extra security. That should be enough to protect me.»

Sylvando sighed. "I don't like it, honey, but if you want to talk to him, then I'm not going to be the one to stop you."

El looked to Erik next. Erik sighed, scratching the side of his head. "What he said. If you think it's for the best, then I'm not going to stop you. But I'm not sure it's the best idea."

El shook his head and rose. «I'm going to give him a chance to explain himself. It's the least I can do,» he signed.

"Alright," Erik said. "But be careful."

- - -

The dungeons were just as El remembered them — dark, dank, and dingy. He pinched his nose as he navigated them, examining the brick walls caked in mildew and moss, examining all the empty cells. They were deeper down than he had ever been before. He didn't recognize the area nor its rooms, just knew that the other him was in one of these cells.

El approached the last cell and saw movement.

He heard a cough and straightened, reaching for the weapon at his back.

"Oh, if it isn't me," an unfamiliar voice spat.

It reminded El of Rab's, only much younger, with bite to it.

El didn't speak often, so it was not a surprise to him that he didn't recognize his own voice, though its tone still shocked him.

The other him crawled forward and El's expression tightened. Dark stains traveled down one side of other Eleven’s dirtied shirt, and it looked like blood, but it was too dark in the dungeon to tell. El swallowed as Eleven’s hands curled around the bars and Eleven grinned at him, bearing two rows of teeth that flashed white in the dim cell.

"Giving me the silent treatment, huh? I don't blame you," Eleven muttered from inside the cell. "Why did you come down here, anyway? Don't tell me it was to try and convert me!"

El lifted his hands and began to sign. «I wanted to ask—»

"Don't bother. I don't understand those… little hand signals you do," Eleven said, waving them away. "If you have something to say, you can say it with that precious voice of mine."

El breathed slowly in and out. He opened his mouth. «Who are you?» he asked.

"Speak up, I can't hear you," Eleven sneered.

«Who are you?» El repeated, a little louder.

"I'm the Darkspawn, the devoted subject of the Lord of Shadows, and am going to help him return to power. I will cut down anyone who stands in my way and help my master resume his station as the ultimate ruler of Erdrea."

El frowned. Eleven's expression twisted and he hunched over, moving his hand across the underside of his shirt. El saw the flash of blood again and frowned.

«How did you get injured?» he whispered.

Eleven glanced down. "Oh, this old thing? I got it fighting one of the guards getting out of here. It hurts, you know. I think this body's almost outlived its purpose, to be honest. Same as that old bag of bones before. It was nice for a while, but it doesn't have the most ideal mobility."

El's breath hitched and he stepped backward.

A face overlaid Eleven's and emerged from his body. A long, bony face, pale and white, with sunken eye sockets that held eyes with red irises. The face grinned, lunged through the bars and toward El, latching onto him and shoving him to the ground.

El screamed, but the sound died in his throat as Mordegon overtook his body.

There wasn’t much of a struggle. El gripped himself as if trying to tear Mordegon off him, but there was no use. When he rose again, his eyes were focused on the body lying on the other side of the bars.

Mordegon smirked and reached for the sword on his back, unsheathing it and turning it back and forth. He held it close, testing the grip of it in his hand.

"Thank you for the assist there," he whispered. "Shame about the whole dying thing, though. Wish I could help, but I have a world to go destroy."

Receiving no response from Eleven, he twisted on his heel and strutted away.