#i can't read sheet music and don't know the workings of music for shit but the biology bit of that song? yeah im there

[jayjamjary]

Istg the second I get to college (soon) my eyes will be peeled for research opportunities. LET ME IN THE LAB LET ME IN THE FEILD AND BY GOD LET ME INTO THE MORGUE!!!

I was literally jumping and dancing because the college I'm going to sent everyone with an email for their college (including people who haven't actually gotten their yet like me lol) something about like a fair or something for presenting research like YES LET ME IN THERE PLEASEEEEEEE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I love science so much pleaseeeee let me in pleaseeeeeeeeeee I have not spent every single year of school up to this point looking like a total nerd for nothing let me innnnnnn I want the scienceeeeee.

Clawing at the door. Clawing a hole through the door. Let me in. I'm in the honors college so hopefully that will lead to Opportunities!!!

[gojofavho3]

Ngl, I was really horny and sleepy while doing this, AND ALSO there so little when it comes to toji x male reader, so why not doing it now?

Also English it's not my first language, and I'm not really the best writer, at least that's what I think but that is for you to judge

This story contains heavily smut, read at your own risk ‼️

A few months ago you let toji fushiguro live with you, He was going through some crises after his wife died, and he spent a lot of his money gambling after coming back for his old tendencies, so he was totally homeless. with that you let him and his son to live with you

You knew toji for a long time, 3-5 years, he usually would go to the bar you worked almost every night, and with time, you two got close

and it led you to where you are now

Legs spred wide, handcuffed with your hands attached to the headboard legs, d1ck overstimulated of coming so much in that night, blindfolded, Some headphones with loud music so you couldn't hear anything, his boxers in your mouth, why the boxers you said? Well because you don't have any gag, and I'm sure that guy wouldn't buy one

While toji is sitted on the chair Infront of the bed looking directly to your hole while smoking some cigarette that you had in the pack of cigarettes in the kitchen table

Staring especially in his cum that is leaving your pretty hole right now as it doing a mini pool on the bed sheets covering the blue sheets between your legs to white as your chest goes up and down like kenjaku jumping on itadori father

Toji gets up and walks slowly to you, butt naked, still with the cigarette in hand, as he takes the blindfold and headphones, Throwing them to the other side of the bed, you hear the headphones hitting on the wall

phumb!!

you can still some parts of the music because they're not so far away.

While your focus on that, toji is looking in your watery eyes as he bends over and gives a small kiss on the tears, as your attention is on him again, his hands travel over your body, turning you onto your stomach, Then grabbing your ass, spreading your butt cheeks with one hand looking at your asshole, as he sits on your back, you can feel his balls making contact with your upper part of your back

He rubbs it with his thumb open it a little more, he puts the cigarette on your hole. Your eyes wined as your feel you hole squeezing it, as you try to say something, but can't because of his boxers on your mouth

After a few seconds he takes it out, putting the cigarette on the ashtray in the headboard next to the bed, he slaps your ass lightly, starting to eat you out, you moan and whimper through the boxers, as he stays there eating you out for like .... 15? 20 minutes maybe? You cummed at least two times, in those two toji leaked all like it was cake

No matter how many time passed it or how many times you cummed, it looked like the clook didn't move not even a inche, you were tired but very satisfied

He finally stops, getting out of your back, taking the wet boxers out of your mouth as you give a loud breath trough your mouth

He goes to bathroom putting the boxers there and take paper to clean you off, as your conscious goes away closing your eyes as you feel the world doing spins, as you feel your arms free and toji cleaning you up

After some time he puts one of his shirts, like one of the 3 he has, and cleans boxers, as he puts you inside the covers, yes, he also cleaned the wet spots that you soiled with your juices, well, not only your juices

As toji still doesn't know much about pda, he didn't join you in bed, he just stared at your sleepy form for a bit with a slight smile, And then he went to the living room to think about the things watching some random shit

" hm... next time I should go rougher, this was just to experience, for now.. "

Well, and where was Megumi in all this? Don't worry, dear reader, somehow toji managed to convince Shiu to take care of him, after all, it wasn't the first time that it happened

I started this at 1:34

It's 4:25 am, I need to sleep so bad, I rushed a little at the end tbh

Well, till next time

[xmissrogersx]

“Because it’s pink” | Joel Miller

tags: Post-Outbreak. Fluff. Domesticy.

a note from me: yes, again i inspire myself in gilmore girls. Every time i see Lorelai and Luke is like “i need to write this like is in Jackson right now”

my writing is entirely my own. Any adaptation and/or copy is forbidden.

i hope you are enjoying my stories! U help me a lot if you give me a ♡! All the love.

pris masterlist

-¡Paris! —I woke up with a start and turned my head in shock to see Ellie at the door.

-Hi, hey...

-What are you doing?

-Having a heart attack —I leaned back on my pillow.

-I'm going to be late for the presentation, ¡it's 7:15!

-No, it's 5:45...

-¡Paris, it's 7:15!

-No, Ellie for God's sake, I set the alarm clock to go off... —she took my watch from the bedside table showing me the time.-It's 7:15, I don't understand how it didn't ring, I swear I set it....

-7:16 —she said behind me.

-I had to take some sheets to Maria, I was going to get my clothes ready to go to your presentation and now I have to iron them and...

-7:17...

-You know what, time lady, why don't you go make some coffee and buy some time? —she came down the stairs, while I was trying to find my boots and fix my hair a little.

-Notes, decorating for the stage, looking for music...

-¡7:18! —she shouted from the dining room.

-¡Oh for the love of God! —I finished getting dressed.-It’s the last time i accept something just because it's pink.

Ellie was in the kitchen with what to carry for the recital under her arms. I grabbed my cup of coffee and drank some. I was going to pour it into my little thermos, but it was nowhere to be found.

-Shit, Joel's taking it to work —I remembered, smacking my forehead.-Never mind, I'll ask Maria. Okay, ready? —we ran to the door.

───────────────────────

-It’s done.

Joel along with other Jackson men were finishing building the library.

-Big brother —Tommy exclaimed when he saw him.-I didn't remember you being such an early riser.

-It has to be finished, doesn't it?

-Sure, you must have a very important reason for wanting to finish quickly —laughed the dark-haired man as he saw Joel's familiar scowl.-Really, it's good to see you happy again.

-She loves to read, it's the least I can do.

-Really? From what you showed me you have in your pocket, that's not all you want to do —he smiled, to which the elder Miller sighed.

-What if she really doesn't want to? What if she ends up realizing she missed an opportunity to be with someone her own age?

-Is this the same woman we're talking about? She went up against a bunch of crazies to get you penicillin and save your life. She crossed the country from one end to the other dealing with your sour ass, and yet she looks at you with an adoration I've never seen before.

Joel smiled softly as he remembered how he left this morning and seeing her sleeping peacefully with one of his shirts covering her breasts and torso. He had to restrain himself from waking her up and ripping it off himself.

-What the...?

His brother snapped him out of his trance as he saw the two people who occupied his entire world speeding across the street.

-¡Paris, the violet leaves! —Ellie exclaimed as she watched them slip.

-Shit! —said the blonde to duck, trying to keep the other things she was carrying from slipping.

-She's a little nervous, isn't she?

-Lately a little bit, in the last few days. The other night we were watching a movie and she was a little dizzy, and she said it must have been dinner. I can't stand to see her like that.

-Dizzy? You mean with dizziness and vomiting?

-A little, maybe, why?

Tommy was still shocked that his idiot brother didn't realize what was happening.

-What?

-You need to talk to her, now. Go, I'm still here —he practically pushed him out of there.

───────────────────────

-We're here! I'm really sorry I'm late... —I said, putting my things on the tables.-My alarm didn't go off.

-Everything is under control, since I know you are a perfectionist beforehand and I don't want you to stress yourself, especially at this moment —I stopped in my tracks because of the last thing she said.

-Why did you say that?

Maria turned to me and took my hand.

-Paris, I realized it two weeks ago, but I wanted you to confirm it for me.

I looked at her with tears in my eyes still unable to articulate a single word.

-So, how long exactly?

-I couldn't tell you an exact date...

-Of course, it's true, there's no way you could be in the same room for 5 minutes without jumping on each other —I covered my mouth to contain my astonishment and lightly hit her arm.

-¡Maria!

-Please, girl, next time for the love of the children here, close the blessed bedroom windows.

Our laughter flooded the place, plus my face was about to explode in the full range of red colors. I was thankful Ellie wasn't near us and had heard.

-Darlin'.

-Hi, cowboy —he put his hand on my waist to bring our lips together. Shit, and it had only been 3 hours since we'd seen each other and I was already missing being in his arms.

-Are you okay, don't you feel sick? —he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

-Why do you ask? —I saw how he looked at me with fearful eyes. I took his face and looked into his beautiful brown eyes.-Babe, I'm fine, what's wrong?

-The last few days you've been nauseous, and I know it's not your stomach because we both know you and Ellie have it made of iron, baby.

I sighed, pulling the air out of my lungs, releasing some of the pressure I was feeling, as if I needed to finally say the sentence stuck in my chest.

-I'm pregnant.

[tobyfoxfacts]

How to compose like Toby Fox

I analyzed Toby's music... here's the backbones to his songs, and various Toby techniques! I included ways to get started with recording your music! Read more to see 👀

Battle themes

For the music Toby uses in his battle themes, he starts with a 1-2 measure long riff. He gradually adds in more instruments, looping the original track from the intro. A simple tune you can hum to. After adding in several instruments, he adds the bridge of the song. He removes the beginning melody and lets the background music continue for a measure. Then he slows down the song and keeps one instrument. After that he adds a buildup and changes the octave, or adds harmony to the final chorus. At the very end, he adds a finale that ties the beginning to the end of the song.

Background music

For the background music during exploring, he makes the songs easily "loopable" so the beginning fades into the end. He uses orchestra sound fonts and ambient noise. During emotional short cut scenes he uses faint opera vocals as well. Don't forget the random wind whooshing sounds.

Instruments used

Undertale mostly focused on chiptune synthesizers and 8 bit sounds. Toby branched out to orchestra instruments in chapter 1 of Deltarune, and emphasized his piano skills. In chapter 2, he fell in love with the harpsichord that he'd romanced many years ago in his homestuck side gig. Thank goodness he left the weird overused synth pitch bending in his past. Good grief, that was... creative. Toby's been experimenting with brass instruments, which makes sense. Toby played trumpet in jazz band during high school. After his work on Pokémon, Toby's music has become diverse, and each song has a unique twist. Working with other artists was definitely a great step for him! Don't be afraid to reach out to other beginner musicians and collaborate!

Making music like Toby

To make music like Toby... experiment! Create a long-term relationship with the harpsichord and mash notes together until you find yourself playing them over and over, nodding your head in satisfaction. You gotta quickly record the track and tweak it later so you remember what it sounds like.

Simple ways to record music

Music professionals will K1LL me for this one. Here's some ways to begin recording music without buying that 1999$ springo bingo synth board with the doodoofart pro vst producing sound bit 2000.

Using these tips, you can record and change sound fonts! Once you record your track, you can mess around with the sound on your recording device! That's how Toby has so many instruments 👀

Look up videos on YouTube about converting music into wav and mp3 files. Toby didn't know what a wav file was when he began music production! Don't be scared of all these fancy weird words. You'll catch on! There's no shame in going on the web for help. Music production can get very complicated with random errors and shit. (I have cried over my piano before) That's what reddit is for! Frustration is inevitable. Just take a deep breath and STAY DETERMINED. Even if you can't play piano? Watch tutorials and practice! Toby is self taught and doesn't write sheet music!

If you have an electric piano keyboard, you can hook it up to a computer with a cable that's easily found on Amazon. You can also use an iPad pro, hook THAT up and record it in a program like garage band. I recommend investing in studio one 5 on your computer! If you've got studio one... get a vocaloid software bundle and mess around with piapro studio 👀 add vocals!!! There's some cheap vocaloids out there! Toby's worked with some vocaloid producers in the past! Mess around and have fun!

Get creative!

The keyboard is your playground. Toby says that simplicity is important. He mentioned this in the annotations included on the sheet music that came with the undertale collectors edition. You don't need to go overboard with advanced shit to sound professional. Some of the best songs are simple and catchy!

Toby would want you to be kind to yourself and your hands. Be patient. Music takes time! Make your own songs and follow your own path. Create your own style so when people hear your music they know it's you!

Good luck!

[goodluckclove]

How Clove Gardener Writes (an Overview)

I definitely told myself when I started this blog a billion years ago, at the dawn of human civilization, that I wouldn't make any attempt to tell you how to write. You know - other than saying just do it do the thing write it close the blog open the document type type three sentences bam look you did it good job i love you now go get yourself a treat.

But I've spoken to a few writers who seem to benefit from the insight of me just explaining how I write. So I thought I'd give a little peek into my own mindset. I cannot stress enough that this is what works for me. It's a methodology that I've built up over the course of like fifteen years of trying different things, keeping what works, and throwing the rest right out the goddamned window.

If any of this seems new and appealing give it a try. If it doesn't help I'm wrong and bad as a person (no I'm kidding but seriously if it doesn't work that's fine and we're both fine). If it helps you owe me a picture of a frog drawn from memory.

Let's see how long I ramble. Follow me under the read more!

Okay, so let's get this out of the way. I've never taken a writing class. No, that's not true. I took one when I was thirteen and another one in high school and I don't remember anything either of them taught me. Oh and I took an online creative writing class in college, but I also didn't retain anything and the next year I dropped out of college. So I also don't have a degree in jack shit.

What else? I don't outline. I've written upwards of 15 novels (13-15, I honestly can't remember) and I did not outline any of them. This includes character sheets and worldbuilding lore. My first published novel Blind Trust was born from the concept of the Lover's Knot, which is just like some witchy magic lore. I thought it would be cool so I was like "who could maybe be some guys" and then I introduced some guys and then bam 180k later it was Scott and Edgar.

I do virtually no preparation to write a novel other than the vaguest premise and maybe like one cool scene. I did not have a cool scene for Blind Trust, but I do have one for Migration Patterns. What I don't have is an ending. I don't think I've ever written a novel knowing how it ends.

Literally here's what I do. This is all I do. I sit down and I write until I don't know what's going to happen next, at which point I step away and I listen to some music or I go to the museum or I take a nap until I decide how to continue. That's it.

For me it's going to the zoo every day and seeing the monkeys. And every day they're doing something different. Sometimes they're sleeping, or they're pawing at each other, or they're gathering sticks. I can call out to them and offer to show them a card trick or share my Bugles with them, and they might come up to the wall of the enclosure to see what I'm doing. Or they might not. I do not really have control of the situation, but it doesn't matter because they aren't fully aware of me.

At some point either I have to leave the zoo for some reason. Maybe I'm tired, or maybe the monkeys have been pulled in to be fed their lunch (it's bananas and peanuts). Either way I add that day's behavior to the pile and then come back tomorrow.

Once I find an ending I go back and I read through the book again and trim any fat that's in the wrong places while adding flesh to some naked bones. Then I wait a week or more (usually I can only wait a week) and go back and do it again. By that point it's ready to hopefully have someone read it, after which I make small edits and tweaks.

That's how I do it. Or at least, that's how I do it for longform prose projects that I plan to publish. I've written plenty of novels that just stayed first drafts because I didn't feel like revising them and then I moved on to the next one. I don't regret that. I don't consider it a waste of time.

I would never consider a trip to the zoo a waste of time.

Anyways, that's what works for me. I don't know if all of this will apply to other brains. I don't know if any of it will. I figure it might just be useful to get an in-depth look at what I personally vibe with.

I'm so down to talk writing at any time, by the way. I love to do it. Tell me why you aren't writing and I would be happy to listen and try to help. Or just brainstorm. Seriously, my DMs and inbox are perpetually open. Talking about writing is one of my favorite things to do.

Let's go look at some monkeys together.

[moralesmilesanhour]

spidey gang music headcanons no one asked for

the mutual @vhstown rbd smth that inspired me to think abt what I think a music group with the four main spidey kids would look like so HIIIII

Hobie:

Our frontman! Since his origins are in (black) 70s punk, I think his style of singing would be similar to the band 'Death'. Or something like this

I know the general consensus is that he cannot sing and may or may not be disappointed by this but my city now. I personally hc that Hobie is not interested in his voice sounding "beautiful", only that it conveys the text of the song 😁

Gets all the bass-y/growl-y parts

Will give you a mean 3-minute electric guitar solo

Miles:

Sub-vocalist and rapper extraordinaire!

Tends to lead on the more melodic songs

I think his signature rapping style (once he finds one 🥴) would lean more towards alternative rap with the occasional rapid-fire verse if the song requires that

Can't produce beats for shit but has a good ear and knows what he likes

Think 'DYSBF!' or 'FUNKFEST'; both by 'grouptherapy'

Sometimes will go back and forth with Hobie on a verse and it's very fun

When he starts rapping in triplets it's over

Hobie also taught him to play bass so that they could like...have a bassist

Pavitr:

Sub-vocalist #2

Harmonizes with Miles occasionally

I'm gonna assign him as the keyboard guy as well for funsies

Good with words and language in general so he helps Hobie write songs

Directs their music videos because he's also a film nerd (why? Because I said so)

Gwen

Your friendly neighborhood drummer yktv!!

Part-time screamer if the song requires

Learns songs by ear most of the time but can read sheet music

Does fancy tricks with her drumsticks

The only one aside from Hobie who knows how to fix drums

Other/misc:

Sometimes they get Margo to work together with Miles for tech/production stuff

She keeps begging them to become their social media manager

Once they explain to Hobie what social media is, he is squarely against it. Something about being "beholden to the whims of corporations and advertisers".

The band runs an account secretly anyway. Don't tell Hobie.

[shutit-haha]

Rocker Bakugo pt.2

Rocker Bakugo who writes a song about you. He's angsty and pissed, rather than to admit he's in his feels he just composes this whole piece about not needing you. Low-key it's a fuckin banger.

Rocker Bakugo who keeps you as his manager. You're good at your job, he was lying about people being better than you. No one is better than you. You're the best at everything. Your great with contracts, and his temper, great at loving him, and pushing him to do better.

Rocker Bakugo who says it's only until he can find a replacement but he misses having you around. The apartment's so fucking empty and after about a week he gets fed up with only seeing you for work stuff. So he demands for you to stop by the studio, to watch and listen. (Like you used too.) You know he only misses you, but you'd be damned if you let him off easy.

Rocker Bakugo who plays the song in front of you. He's smug about it too, like he didn't practically plead for you to watch him. (Again.) You're pissed, because what an ass! So of course you make him play it again, and again, and again. After about the third time you let the rest of the band leave but not Bakugo, he has to stay.

Rocker Bakugo who's grumbling and playing shitty now because he's pissed. He's growling and playing harder than he need too. If he keeps this up he might just break something or drain himself entirely. You're a jerk though, you keep poking him and poking him.

"Do you know what you're doing?" You're being condescending. You speak to him as of he were some incompetent child, stare doing little to help negate that idea.

Rocker Bakugo who feels like one. He can see his Mother's gaze right after five year old him has thrown a fit. He sees it in you and it irks him. "Of course I know what the hell I'm doing, I made the damn thing!"

"Let me see the sheet," you're in front of him now. You're standing centered in front of his drum set hand out stretched for the sheet music. Now he really does feel like a little boy. And isn't that what he is? A huffy child who misses his mommy.

"I've got it," he snarls at you, snapping slightly.

You snatch the sheet anyways returning to your spot on the wall. "Play."

"Ain't shit to read."

"You don't got it memorized," you cock a brow. "Play."

"I will dammit!"

Rocker Bakugo who fucks it up. "Do it again." You command him knowing that the poor boy is tired.

"I can't," he mumbles.

"What?"

"I said I can't!" His chest is rising and falling way too quickly, his hair covers his face as to prevent you from seeing his eyes. His arms sag from how sore they are, and there's a slight shake too him. "I'm fuckin' tired, can't keep doing this shit."

"Then I need a new cash cow."

His head snaps forward, eyes meeting yours with a nasty glare. "You know damn well I can't play when you take away the sheet music."

You took a step forward, "you made the damn thing. Figured with how proud and confident you were in it, it'd be hard to forget."

"You're being a b-" He sucks air in through his teeth, slamming down his sticks and tilting his head back so he can breathe.

"Oh but you can turn me into a song? I don't want to be some jingle for a monster energy can Bakugo." You're halfway to him, only a couple steps left. "Do it again."

"I can't."

"Again Bakugo."

"I'm fuckin' tired."

Rocker Bakugo who knows you're still mad at him. He doesn't know how to make it up to you, he doesn't even know how to start.

Rocker Bakugo who tries anyways. He picks up the sticks and starts playing your favorite song. Your gaze softens, it isn't enough but it works for now. The both of you are so tired, you hate sleeping alone and that scene just keeps playing in his head.

His voice is hoarse and dry so when he sings its awful, but it makes you laugh. You're humming with him, just content to be in the same space without all that tension. "I know you're not out to get me, I trust you. Sometimes being at the top-"

"Means you forget to be grounded," the two of you speak in unison.

"Works the other way too," you start. "When you're always looking up, you forget there's trouble even in the stars. Constellations tell stories of heartbreak and death, and all I can think of is-"

"Walking on the clouds," he finishes for you. There's a smug little smirk on his face, pleased that he can still remember that line of yours.

"You gonna behave drummer boy?" Your hand cups his cheek, "gonna keep playing the beat to my heart."

He kisses your palm, and sets the sticks down. "Read over the thingy, was a lot better than I originally thought it was."

"I don't know who told you it wasn't."

"Kaminari had overheard something from the other negotiation team and made a dumbass assumption."

"And you believed it?"

"Was blindsided, sweetheart."

"You owe me."

"I know," he grabs at your waist. "Just come home," his other hand covers the one you have on his cheek.

Rocker Bakugo who has to have make-up sex with you. It's part of your dynamic. When the two of you were in high school you used argue over the smallest of things just so that you could bang afterward. As you guys went to college it became a little more difficult, having to learn that sex didn't make up for communication. Though the two of you struggle with words, you've definitely gotten better. And well any progress is progress.

Rocker Bakugo who some how ends up underneath you. When you said he owed you he didn't expect edging to be the price. Yet here he was in a dopey cow headband, with leather cuffs on each wrist as you edge him till he breaks.

Rocker Bakugo who's too lost in his orgasm to notice you taking a picture. It's deserved though, you'll just count it as part of the punishment.

[johnslittlespoon]

Find the Word

Rules: Share snippets of your work containing each of the words the previous poster selected for you (optional addition: if you can't find the word in your WIPs, or you simply don't have any WIPs, you can just write a sentence around the word)

thank you @alienoresimagines for the tag!! <3

My Words: blue, gentle, tight, music and rustle Your Words: train, water, blood, stare

Blue:

“You should come,” John says, almost imploringly, and the way those blue eyes come alight with his carefully placed optimism makes Gale want to throw caution to the wind. It scares him, how easily John can make him think bad ideas are good, even if only for a moment. He doesn’t really know why he’s so reluctant to go– he just feels, somehow, that if he does go, nothing will be the same by the end of the weekend, and he’s not sure he’s ready to face whatever that might mean. [you're a dog (i'm your man) – ao3]

Gentle:

Curt wakes up in the morning to the feeling of long fingers working him open, muscles aching in protest when he flinches as soft curls tickle the inside of one thigh. A gentle kiss is placed there instead in apology, and he sleepily lifts his head to find John laid between his legs, large hand warm against his side. “Morning,” the husky greeting is murmured against his skin, lips dragging up his thigh as John turns to look up at him, eyes dark and hungry. Curt flushes, dropping his head back against the pillow, attempting to close his legs against John’s sides. [the fuse to my fire – ao3]

Tight:

John thinks maybe in another life, he could’ve been an actor, with how good he is at playing a part during these phone calls. He lies like it’s second nature, anything to stoke the smile he can hear coming through from the other end of the line, reaching for laughs like pulling teeth. He finds himself smiling for real sometimes when Gale’s relaying the events of his own week, prying and asking whatever questions he can to keep him talking as he slides down to the carpet and leans his back against the wall, stretching the phone’s coil tight. [unnamed wip that's making me wanna dance in traffic]

Music:

“Shit.” There it is. A murmur of surprise, of thrill, of satisfaction, music to Gale's ears. John wraps his hand around the outline of his cock, timid like he’s waiting for Gale to turn over and sock him clean on the beak, but when Gale whispers out a curse of his own, it’s like he’s given John the green light. His hand immediately tightens around him, squeezing him through the fabric. [i don't wanna be alone tonight – ao3]

Rustle:

Gale leans in without a second thought, capturing John’s lips with his own, freezing at the noise of surprise John makes into his mouth. They both grow still for a moment, panting against each other, waiting for the sound of sheets rustling or any sign of the others stirring, but the room stays quiet. He's more careful this time when he goes back in, pressing his lips softly against John’s, but John pushes back eagerly, teeth clacking quietly against his, drawing hushed laughter from both of them. [i don't wanna be alone tonight – ao3]

this is my fave writing tag game i think, it's like shuffling your works until you get something that clicks loll and it's so fun to read the pieces everyone picks of their own fics <33 tagging @air-exec, @counting0nit, @nicijones, @eternallytired17, @hauntingcontradiction, whoever else wants to! i think i already tagged most of you the first time i did this challenge loll so feel free to ignore of course :-)

[thessalian]

Thess vs TLOVM S3, Ep 8

Hoboy. Not entirely looking forward to this, even if I do know it works out in the end. But to get to it, you have to get through it, so...

Pre-beard Grog. What the--? Wait, is this when they meet Percy?!? I seem to remember that his backstory was that they kind of ran into him while he was in a jail cell.

Yep, they're there without him. ...Wait, which one of the prisoners is the what-now?

I seem to remember that originally (or at least according to the comics, which I think were pretty true to character backstories), they needed to question the cult leader because they needed the skull of a Nightmare to cure Grog of his whole ... being the phylactery of a lich ... thing. But we're doing it as a bounty now? Okay.

Well. That was ... to the point, Vex.

You're going to shake down the prisoner. Who, if he came from money - or at least, accessible money - would have been sprung by now.

Percy, are you lying to them right now? Or are you just ... not being frank about how small that fortune is? I-- Ah. Yeah, Vex would have at least been grudgingly impressed at being used if you'd been less honest, Percival.

Ah, and Vex gets defensive. Which means no, dear; he's not shit at negotiating.

Where the truth takes you iiiiiiis ... a funeral. Woe.

Awwww. Feeling a little bad about butting in on some of their earlier moments, Trinket? ...Ah, who am I kidding; I can't be sarcastic at Trinket when he's so worried about his momma.

Yeah, no, I am not okay. Though Matt Mercer getting voice credit as Trinket amuses the hell out of me. Particularly since the one time we heard Trinket speak words, he was voiced by Cheech Marin.

(Most of you are too young for the above; look up Cheech and Chong, and then you will fully understand why it was so fitting for Cheech Marin to be voicing Trinket as heard by Vex while tripping balls.)

Ooooooh Scanlan, I don't know how you're going to feel about yourself after that. I mean, you couldn't have done anything had you been there, probably? But Percy dying while you weren't there has got to hurt.

Vax ... why is it you only manage to say the right thing to your sister?

Hrm. Vax... Are you going to do something stupid--? Oh. Maybe not?

Okay, Keyleth, how are you going to handle this? Please handle this better than Vex did...

THANK YOU.

Ooooooh, Scanlan. Yeah, that's got to hurt. All that for nothing.

...WHAT THE FUCK.

No. NO, Raven Queen. You don't get to dictate that shit.

Oh, FUCK not you again. GO AWAY, RAISHAN.

.........Oh, holy hell. This is when they find out about who killed their parents.

No, Allura, I prefer Kima's terminology.

Grog finally manages a nat 20 on his INT check. Or possibly WIS check in this case.

Not sure what precise subclass of monks we've got here, but this is some Stormlord shit, and if you've got the Stormlord on side, you're doing well.

They actually bothered to do blood splatter on the camera lens that isn't technically there? With realistic blur and everything?!? DAMN, those animators rule.

I was wondering why it wasn't Vex going to talk to Zahra and Kashaw, since she was the one with the best rapport (albeit of a frenemy type) with Zahra, who's clearly the leader of that particular duo. But Vex is going to face Syldor?!? Ooooooh this is going to be either very good or very painful.

Oooooooooh. Both. Definitely both.

Well, at least a cloaking spell still does some good.

Wait. Pike can read sheet music?

Hello, Syngorn forces! That's a loooooooot of Syngorn forces. HOLY SHIT.

Larkin LIIIIIIIIIVES. ...And I don't trust that far too convenient back entrance.

HE USED THE TITLE, HOLY SHIT.

Echoing what I just said about the Stormlord; NIIIICE. Also, Ike Amadi ... well, given how much my little Dragon Age-loving corner of the internet is panting for Veilguard ... that's Davrin's voice actor, guys. Also Javik. And ... Koth-- This guy is seriously prominent in Bioware's Rolodex.

Heh. It's nice that they more or less remember that for all they never officially agreed on it, Vex was always more or less the leader.

It's a little too quiet... GILMORE NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

This ... this is fishy... I do not trust Raishan worth shit; she worked too hard to get them there.

...Oop. AMBUSH.

Wait. WUT. YES, THANK YOU, KIMA.

RAISHAN WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?

Oh. Oh shit. Oh shit DUDES RUN.

YEAH YOU GUYS TOO. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

OH HELL. No, no, Vex, OFF THE GUILT TRAIN.

AAAAAAA NO FUCK OFF WITH YOUR CLIFFHANGER I WILL FEED YOU BEEEEEEEEEES!!!

...Anyway, who wrote this? Meredith Kecskemety. Only writing credit. Pretty new, too. Gotta say, for someone who was mostly executive assistant, casting assistant, and assistant writer on an episode each of The Midnight Gospel and If You Give A Mouse A Cookie? That's a hell of an episode for your first solo writing credit ... and she nailed it.

(I am still going to feed her beeeeeeeeees for that fucking cliffhanger, though.)

So now I have a choice - watch the Omn1 reaction to this episode first, or go straight to the next episode. Proooooobably the former. ...Look, I found out just the other day that Omn1 did reactions to the Michael Flanagan series on Netflix and I got to spend most of today mucking around with Terrascapes and listening to him react very much as I did to The Fall of the House of Usher and he might actually make Midnight Mass something I can watch at least in part without religion-based PTSD flashbacks. Anyway, I find him comforting. As I said, I don't get to watch stuff with people very often; this is the next best thing.

Of course, I kind of want to watch TLOVM S3 in its entirety before Arcane S2, but I've got about two weeks before I need to worry about that, so I won't rush.

[dayisfading]

just a few things (oops longer than i planned)

parents are very supportive of my mattress purchase. i stripped my bed to wash my sheets etc including the mattress pad i've been using for about a year now. i went in to talk to my mom and she was like, "that mattress is HORRIBLE. i had no idea." this is so funny bc truly it's like -- how do you know that your mattress sucks? it starts sucking gradually and unless you spend sufficient time on a different kind of mattress (which i have probably only done once or twice in the last two years), you have no frame of reference. i didn't realize the mattress itself was causing pain until i slipped my hand under my back, initially just to provide some support, and realized the springs digging into my back felt like a bunch of rocks wrapped in some thin padding. i am now wondering how much of the back pain i am frequently experiencing could be relieved just by getting a new mattress.

i am reading the circle by dave eggers. this is the first book i have picked up since the outlier (a few months ago, failed to finish; will return to it eventually). i got a kindle on black friday. thing is, i saw the movie adaptation of the circle before i realized it was based on a book. the movie is Not Great. and i am by no means a movie snob. it was confusing b/c by the end i realized the bones of the plot were really interesting but something about the execution threw it off (and the acting. we don't talk about emma watson. she is my beloved, but.) tom hanks couldn't even save it. THAT SAID, the book is great and i'm not at all put off by knowing the main bullet points of the plot, though i can't stop picturing one of the characters as karen gillan bc she was a great choice for the role, i fully hear the dialogue in her voice. i am 40% through it in less than two days!

on friday night, i came home from the holiday party socially exhausted and trying desperately to come down from this wave of overwhelm that i've been riding since, like, october. i wanted to turn my brain off. i planned to play euro truck simulator. but i could not find the actual usb connector for my controller. i looked everywhere. could not find it! i literally cried in frustration. then i remembered i have coloring pixels installed, which is a great color-by-number for pixel paintings. i haven't touched it in probably over a year, at least, but holy shit was it a great decision because i needed an actual break and it worked. turned brain off. actually felt relaxed. i have been looking for a way to unwind/decompress that does not necessarily involve tv or video games (though this technically is one). if you have not heard of it, it is free btw, with 99 cent themed packs for extra pages. also nice relaxing background music-in game. i highly recommend it!

[lesbiarmy]

Sunflowers baby pt.1

Paring:BuckyxBlack!Fem!reader

Warnings:Mild but suggestive language, some cursing here and there,Sexual thoughts??

Genre:Romance

P.s this is my first fanfiction and I know its kinds bad(really bad I would appreciate if you guys told me what you don't like) but bare with me here I've got 3 fanfics in the works right now I was just trying to get one out thanks

Summary:You're rhodes niece working as a nurse at the compound and Bucky has just come back from a mission

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Come on get up buck" Steve says trying to pull a stubborn Bucky off the couch.

"You've gotta get those cuts cleaned" Bucky groans in response and sits up pulling Steve's arm off of him

"I'll go god just let me get five minutes"

"Bucky you said that twenty minutes ago get up" Steve says starting to get annoyed

"Fine,Shit" Bucky responds and gets up to head towards the infirmary

He's tired and it shows in his face the last mission was really hard and everybody was exhausted Bucky being the only one to not get checked by one of the nurses

When he gets to the room the in infirmary he sees that the sheets aren't white and the room isn't empty the seats are blue and a girl in headphones is restocking the band aids while humming

He can't see her face but stands there for a moment admiring her happiness

Admittedly its been a while since Bucky has went out to dance

Its actually been a couple months

Maybe he should try and go out

He refocused on what he was here for and walked up behind her to let her know he was here for the checkup

Y/n lost in her music turns around to throw the empty box of band aids out is startled as she walked into a wall of chest unsettling her she quickly takes her headphones off her head and looks at who she walked into

Bucky Barnes or James although he only allows Steve and Natasha to call his James

He's tall intimidating and.... Hot

She has to admit to maybe sometimes after seeing him getting a little turned on

Maybe sometimes she watched him read a book

Or do a mission report and get frustrated

Or workout

Or-

"Excuse me" Bucky says looking down at the girl confused

She was starting up at him with those eyes those dark brown eyes and it was making it hard for him to remember what he was here for

Now he knows who she is

Rhodes niece

She was introduced to everyone right after she graduated from college she was looking for a job and Tony was looking for a new nurse

She agreed to work for him Rhodes being happy she wouldn't have to worry about finding a job she'd been with them for six months

Bucky noticed how she watched him she never said anything but her body language while she did was saying everything he needed to know

"I'm so sorry I really shouldn't be wearing my headphones in here but it was so quiet and I was bored at waiting for the last person which is you.So if your ready could you please sit down" she hurriedly said

Bucky noticing how close they were quickly sat down on the bed in the room and waited

She put on a pair of gloves and turned back around

"So um any concerns anything that really hurts" she could tell that it was pretty much everything but silently waited for his answer

He took a breath, winced and then groaned out "I've got a pretty nasty gash on my side" and pulled one side of his shirt up

She came closer to him and gently touched it

He hissed at the contact and pulled away

The cuts was about thirteen inches long and but not deep maybe a layer of skin but it hasn't been cleaned a bit of dried blood starting to cover it

She turned around to grab what she needed she opened the alcohol pads and unraveled it trying to avoid Bucky's obvious stare

She leant over starting to wipe again at the cut cleansing it

The sent of the alcohol wipes was string but his natural scent was Intoxicating

She finishes quickly not wanting to get lost in your thoughts

Then turns back around and throw the wipe in the garbage moving to grab the Neosporin

But before she can fully lean down Bucky graves her arm

"Can I do it myself" he asks feeling confused she asks why

"It- I just would prefer to do it myself" he responds

She moves to hands him a pair of gloves he puts them on and starts applying the cream

She steps back and lets her eyes rake over his shoulder they look so strong

He could probably lift her up and hold her against the wall while he

"Um,Y/n I'm done"

She stands there for a few moments before asking

"Bucky,where did you get that bracelet?"

He looks down at it

That's the same question half the team asked him it's pink blue and black

Not the colors he would prefer but it was a beautifully made bracelet

He found it outside of his door a week ago

Just a little white box that he took into his room with him

He opened it and a little note fell out all it said was

The colors might not be the best but I really like you and think you deserve one I hope it can fit- Ti :Mr.Barnes From:sunflower :)

He put it on thinking that it was a joke from Peter

But when Peter insisted that he didn't give him the bracket he started becoming suspicious that's when he noticed y/n who always wore those damn sunflower hair clips in her hair just at the side tucked in her braids

"You really do represent a sunflower" he said

Cauaing y/n's eyes to go wide realizing he knew that she was the one who gave him the bracelet

He stood up took his gloves off and dropped them in the garbage but before he left the room he said

"Next time when your watching someone maybe try being a little more discreet"

Before y/n can open her mouth to respond he's out the door leaving her breathless and confused

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is horrible just you know what don't even say anything

[pazak-thion-brady]

1. Bedroom or cafe's if I know I need to focus and hit a deadline. The human noise helps.

2. When the plan comes together and the ideas just slot together properly.

3. Starting a new song and having no inspiration for what it should be.

4. I usually have PM Seymore binge compilations on in the background.

5. Composer, Steven Sondheim and Joe Hisaishi

6. I don't usually create characters, but fav character I've written for was Chloe Price in Life is Strange musical demos.

7. Terry Pratchet/Rick Riordan.

8. Five man band.

9. Romantic or ballad scenes

10. Ana's Mitchel

11. Listen to songs in the style I want it to be, go ajzijejzdisj this doesn't work, listen to different songs until something sounds right, copy down the sheet music, fuck with it, delete it then try to re create the fucked with version from memory.

12. Alcohol, partying, gaming, general forced socialising.

13. Listen to new music and broaden my stylistic knowledge.

14. For Gideon The Ninth the musical demos, I reaserched Gregorian chant music for the first tike since I dropped out of university due to stress of not understanding shit.

15. Listening to new music

16. Spotify

17. 3-5 hours on a good day. When starting a new project I always spend like 8 hours making the first song taking little to no breaks in a writing frenzy then regretting it the next day.

18. I'll usually throw out the whole song and write something completely new.

19. This is a show of death and love a grizly tale we tell, of liers, lyctors, lesbians and cavaliers that fell.

20. Check my YouTube in bio for the first 5 songs.

21. She owns you.

22. Most I've had is 22, current one is only 4.

23. Multi, that's what works in musicals best. Just to give the lead actors little breaks and time for quick changes.

24. Lyrics are basically just poetry.

25. Linear, non linear plays don't do that well. Might try one, one day.

26. Stand alone. It's hard to do a series of plays. Not impossible but hard.

27. Roughs are my demos that go out as part of a pitch document.

28. Fucking everyone.

29. The gays. Aka me. I write things I want to see.

30. "Oh Rachel see you someday, upon that silver screen. I will hold you close, again, see you soon my queen." Sung by a hopeless tumblr lesbian in a story set in 2013.

31. Captain Aiglamene, she appeared in 1 scene and I couldn't get a vibe for her musical identity so I just went generic as fuck with her.

32. Surt. His music was so fun and just flowed. I wrote his song in 1 sitting.

33. Technically yes. I'm writing music though.

34. Scrawled on the walls. I'm mentally sane I swear.

35. Jesus the lesbian is a wannabee escape artist who just wants to escape Pluto and join her dad's army.

36. She dies.

37. "What's the point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes" Dan Hardcastle. Aka Nerd³.

38. Well the outline is someone else's story I'm adapting sooooo, very good, great success.

39. Not my original characters.

40. Essentially fanfiction, of what if this story was full of gay people singing.

41. Currently 3. Trying to focus on 1 but 3 are burning in the background.

42. Look at fan art and take an amalgam of popular costume parts.

43. Yes in audio book format. I'm horribly dyslexic and books hurt my eyes and brain.

44. This will be in my head all day.

45. It's impressive to make boring non classical music.

46. It would look fucking dark and need to be animated. Animated musicals are fucking pumping potion cat snake.

47. I start by reading the book that already exists and song spotting. Going through the book and going, that scene should be a song. Oh this is dramatic as shit, song. Awsw tender, song.

48. Rock.

49. The middle, it slogs.

50. The current one, lesbian necromancers solving a murder mystery in space and singing.

51. Skeletons, ginger, Catholic, goth, lesbians.

52. I started writing when I was fucking depressed and it helped me out of my mental illness. 5 years ago.

53. It means escape from the darkness.

54. If you're thinking about writing, write. If you keep putting it off you'll never write anything.

New ask game for writers

1. Favorite place to write. 2. Favorite part of writing. 3. Least favorite part of writing. 4. Do you have writing habits or rituals? 5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most. 6. Favorite character you ever created. 7. Favorite author. 8. Favorite trope to write. 9. Least favorite trope to write. 10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. 11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish. 12. How do you deal with self-doubts? 13. How do you deal with writers block? 14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book? 15. Where does your inspiration come from? 16. Where do you take your motivation from? 17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day? 18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like? 19. First line of a WIP you’re working on. 20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on. 21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s. 22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you? 23. Single or multi POV, and why? 24. Poetry or prose, and why? 25. Linear or non-linear, and why? 26. Standalone or series, and why? 27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? 28. And who do you share them with? 29. Who do you write for? 30. Favorite line you’ve ever written. 31. Hardest character to write. 32. Easiest character to write. 33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing? 34. Handwritten notes or typed notes? 35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story ________. 36. A spoiler for story _________. 37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you. 38. Have you shared your outline of your story ________ with someone? If so, what did they think of it? 39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one. 40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why? 41. How many stories do you work on at one time? 42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc. 43. Are you an avid reader? 44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. 45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. 46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie? 47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story? 48. Favorite genre to write in. 49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end? 50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had. 51. Describe the aesthetic of your story _______ in 5 sentences or words. 52. How did writing change you? 53. What does writing mean to you? 54. Any writing advice you want to share?

[groovy-rat-man]

I dont know if it's because I'm autistic or didn't learn it as a kid or I'm just not putting in the effort or what, but music is one of the shittiest most overly complicated artforms I have tried to learn thus far. (Kind of became a vent post on accident, but feel free to read.)

Now i will preface this by saying that i am easily the second least disciplined person I know and when I try to "learn" how to do something I'll just look up tutorials online, quit when I dont succeed on the first couple tries, and try again sometime later (maybe). It took actual years of doing this on and off for me to learn how to knit, and not being able to understand those shitty diagrams brought me to tears more than once. I still can't even knit anything besides scarves!!

I don't care if i sound like a whiney bitch baby because I KNOW I'm a whiney bitch baby. I grew up GENUINELY thinking I was better than my peers because I was sooooooooo smart then got throat punched by long division and middle school math. (I'm pretty good at algebra now, but having to memorize all those formulas for geometry is bullshit and I STILL can't do long division lol.) I am THE most whiney little bitch baby on the face of the planet and everything i say after this is probably gonna sound so fucking stupid to anyone who took even one band class in school, and I'm okay with that.

That being said, WHAT THE FUCK??? Another thing I should probably lead with, I don't know SHIT about how music works. I feel like if someone quizzed me on my music knowledge they'd think I was fucking with them, that's how little I know. Here, I'll make a list:

The dots with lines on them are called notes

The strings on a guitar are E, A, D, G, B, and E, in that order (because elephants and donkeys grow bigger ears <3)

I know the order the do re mi's go and you start at the lowest pitch and go to the highest (relative to what, I don't know)

The main melody of a song is like the part people would map lyrics onto if it was an undertale song in the 2010's but idk if there's like a formula or method to identify it other than vibes

There's some PEMDAS shit for remembering the letters that go on each line of sheet music but don't ask me what it is

There. That's it. That is the most comprehensive list of stuff i know about music as of writing this. There's other stuff too, I guess, but it's all like "those fractions(?) next to that sexy shape at the beginning of the sheet music are time signatures, dunno what that means tho lol," so I just didn't include them.

And like,, what the fuck am i supposed to do about that?? I could find stuff online but that'll either take too long, cost actual money, or be for literal children. And like I guess a child's music lesson wouldn't be so bad seeing as I am literally below an elementary school level when it comes to this shit but FUCK ME i feel stupid enough as is. I guess I shouldn't be so harsh on myself cause like if someone were talking to one of my friends like that I'd be pissed, but that's not what this post is about. I don't wanna have someone to try and teach me this in person either cause like I said, I can get easily frustrated about this sorta stuff and I dont wanna upset someone or embarrass myself ya know?

I only wanna learn this sorta thing cause I think playing an instrument or making music on my computer using one of those programs I've seen online sounds neat!! I also just dont wanna sound like a dumbass around my friends who actually know music stuff. But I genuinely don't know a single thing about any of this and trying to learn makes me want to claw my fucking skin off and break my own bones. (I wouldn't, just so you know, but I don't think I'm exaggerating too much when it comes to wanting to. Idk feelings are hard.)

Idk man, i just need to fix myself. Whatever that means. Might make a separate post listing all the shit I don't know about music in case anyone wants to help with that. Y'all don't got to tho, just thinking about it.

[alexiostheweirdovampire]

y'all ever know that you are a bad artist and you try and you try but you just can't get better? like no matter what you're never good enough? and it sucks even more because you know how it's supposed to work and you know how to do it you just can't and it's so frustrating and it genuinely what's to make you quit art entirely but you're already so deep into this "art kid" persona with your entire family and are going to an art school and ben though you know you probably aren't good enough and will just stick to music and theater tech even though you aren't good at that either but you need some reason to still try to be good at something anything but you still feel like a failure? i'm 14 btw

thanks for reading my rant and now knowing i'm 14 years old. don't try to lecture me on shit like "ur so young!!" or "just practice more!!" or "you have so much potential!" or something similar i've heard it ten times over yes i know i'm young yes i know i "just need to practice!1!1" yes i'm just a teenager yes this will pass yes it's all a phase IVE HEARD IT!!! and i just feel so fake and so stupid i feel like i'm so far behind everyone my age and honestly i might just quit everything. someone my same age makes amazing pieces of art better than the shit i try and spend so many hours on in like two minutes on roblox speed draw and he's been drawing just as long as me and i'm still not even close to his level i wish i was different i wish i was smarter i wish i was better because maybe then i could have something to show for for my 10+ years of painting, sculpting, drawing, and any other skill i've worked so hard on for literally nothing but a few pages of shitty anime characters. i've literally taken classes on this shit and i still am too fucking stupid to understand and apply that knowledge to a sheet of white paper. i'm just so behind and tired of being the worst at everything i know i'll probably never get better and i'll never be enough and i'll still just be an artist that can't do art.

[janeaustenprotagonist]

"and he said "it's supposed to be fun turning 21"

the annual birthday breakdown.

you hear all these people talking about what if you talked to 14 year old you, what would they say? well 14 year old me would be disappointed in us. 14 year old me would wonder why I haven't gone to the golden globes, or emmys, or tonys. 14 year old me would ask why we didn't get into college for opera and why we didn't get into the program. they'd ask why I'm in a wheelchair bc we're perfectly "able bodied." they'd ask why I'm sick bc we're "not sick." they'd ask why were not famous yet. they'd ask why we haven't been successful yet. they'd ask why am I considering alternative career routes bc "there can't be any backup plans, then you won't make it." they'd ask why I'm not living in New York. they'd ask why I don't have an agent. they'd ask why is all the sides and scripts and sheet music just collecting dust. they'd ask why I failed to live out our dream.

my mother came to me the other day and asked what I wanted to do for my 21st birthday. I said I didn't know I wasn't really thinking about it. she said I was "too old" for these silly birthday breakdowns. I see birthdays as a time to reflect on the past year and years prior, to see if I succeeded in everything I wanted to experience. every. single. year. I fail to meet those expectations. every single year, I fail myself. every single year I fail.

this year I thought it would be different, for some asinine reason. I'm not entirely sure why I thought I'd be okay this year, why I wouldn't breakdown this year. my birthday is sunday. happy fucking birthday to me. I'm turning the exciting age of 21. everyone is always excited for 21, it's the age you can legally drink and purchase some... other stuff as well. but I can't drink. my liver decided to try to commit s@/cide in december. so all of the quote on quote "fun" I can have on my birthday is completely ripped out from under me.

here's a fun little timeline of my birthdays

9-15: dad wasn't there

16: dad was there, but barely. got sushi and to see wicked.

17: my aunt died a week prior, so my birthday sucked. I had to stay at my other aunt's house and it really fucking sucked.

18: I tried to turn things around by planning a little online birthday party for myself playing online cards against humanity with a few of my best friends and my (now ex) fiancé. but surprise surprise, everyone except one bailed on my birthday INCLUDING MY EX FIANCÉ who claimed to need to "write an essay," but words whispered he was actually cheating on me with the umpteenth girl.

19: had classes the day of my birthday and my (now ex) gf ignored me the whole day and then a week TO THE DAY after my birthday I was diagnosed with RARE BRAIN CANCER and LOST THE ABILITY TO WALK DUE TO SMALL NERVE NEUROPATHY.

20: my uncle died a week before my birthday (SAME DAY AS MY AUNT), all my extended family came to live with us. my (now ex) bf broke up with me a WEEK BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. through. a. fucking. text. a couple of my friends took me out for the day and we made a day of it and I got a build a bear which I love but fuckola.

now, 21. I once referred to a year an "unwanted visitor," but I believe this age is even less wanted than the year. I now have a lovely partner who dotes over me and makes me feel like I am a goddess, I have friends who love me and make me feel wanted. and I'm on antidepressants. I'm happy, I really am and it's shocking to read after this long of a post. but as you can see, I struggle with my birthday. I struggle with it immensely. my partner was trying to plan something for my birthday but shit kept getting in the way and of course now he can't get off work. he already made plans with me for the first day he has off but fuck.

I feel like everything always falls apart around my birthday. people begin fighting. others become severely depressed. it's that last push of winter before the spring flowers break ground.

I always feel as if I never truly celebrate my birthday. others celebrate it, but not me. it's an out of body experience. I don't feel real or to exist in this realm on that day. I feel incredibly empty on that day. I try to look happy and try to look excited, play the part for the camera. it's difficult to hide the ripped up quick, and scabs scarring from being picked. the waterworks welling in my eyes, one blow and it'll drown us all. I hate my birthday.

maybe if I took it as something it's not like most. maybe if I took it as something fun rather than a day to reflect. maybe if I took it as a day to relax rather than sobbing into a journal at 2am.

I'm not sure how much therapy it's going to take for me to like my birthday again, especially since I never have liked it.

I don't know how to tell my partner that I wish he wasn't so excited for my birthday. it's such a hard day for me. I've never had anyone excited about my birthday and it's hard for me to see that. he said I am "special and deserve to be treated as such." I've never had anyone say that to me. I don't know how to tell him that I'm struggling with this day. this stupid day we celebrate being alive another year. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I know I have a lot to celebrate but I don't like celebrating it. other holidays? yes I love celebrating. but not my birthday. I don't know how to look my partner in the eye and say I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I think that might break his heart. all I want is to rot in bed, with him and not think about impending doom for a moment.

[byanyan]

@chronal-anomaly sent:ㅤShe had been... Off, lately. Taking calls and leaving the room, abruptly stopping in her conversation when Byan showed up. Suspicious, sure, but nothing too threatening to their balance of life they had worked out. Until, one day, they sneak in through the window again, setting their obnoxiously loud bag on the table. A usually-empty table had one thing on it though, two tickets for Byan's favorite musician touring through town during the next weekend. As they spot the tickets, Lena stands in the doorway with a grin. "Guess the surprise is up. Two meet 'n greet tickets, but I'm not sure who to go with. I mean, I don't know anyone else who likes their music." Her tone was a joke, of course, she wasn't even a fan so much as she enjoyed a few songs of theirs. But Byan didn't need to know that.

ㅤif dropping their bag carelessly onto the table hadn't almost blown the tickets right off the surface, they might not have taken any notice. fortunately, the slim sheets of paper skittering away catch their attention, piquing their curiosity upon recognizing them as being event tickets. never one afraid to snoop — certainly not when it came to any of lena's business — byan pulls them back over with a couple fingers, eyes idly scanning over all the printed information despite not expecting to be particularly interested in whatever it is lena's planning to go to.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ—except, they are.

the artist's name is one they read every day, without fail, given their songs take up so many slots in all of their playlists. nevertheless, byan forces themself to reread the name another four times, slower with each run-through, just to be sure that they haven't missed a letter or mixed letters up or completely misread it in any other way.

ㅤthey haven't. every time it's the same result.

intently focused as they are on the tickets, lena's voice actually makes them jump when she speaks up from the doorway. head jerking upward, they fix her with a wide-eyed stare, their shock palpable. meet and greet tickets? they hadn't even caught that part, given they'd been skimming the text too quickly for the words to register.

ㅤthere's no way.

ㅤㅤ" shut the fuck up. "ㅤthe words hold no heat, only surprise and perhaps a deeply stifled, vaguely wary excitement. lena knows this is their favourite artist — she's walked in on them embarrassingly belting out lyrics on too many occasions to not. had them recommend songs or force her to watch new music videos with them too many times to not. these tickets are for them, they know it, but still some part of them can't quite believe it.

ㅤㅤ" there's no fucking way you got 0m3n tickets. "ㅤswiping the slips of paper off the table and into their hand, byan looks back down at them once more, like they need to confirm for a fifth time that they don't have it wrong. despite themself, a grin begins to pull at their features as the excitement of it all starts to settle in.ㅤ" i didn't even bother looking at tickets 'n even i know these've been sold out for weeks. you've gotta be shitting me, there's no— where'd you even get these? "

and, they can't help the bewildered, disbelieving question in the back of their mind, did you really do this just for me?