#i can't focus today lol
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somebody send me asks 😂😂😂😂😂
i'm procrastinating on dialogue 😂😂😂
#bucktommy#or really on anything#you can be anonymous#i won't be offended#i can't focus today lol#maybe its the anxiety meds for the first time in months 😂
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They are everything to me
#no story post today#so instead i offer you this#proof they are enjoying their vacation and all is well#for now#work has been super busy and i'm exhausted#so i'm taking a little break today#next week i'll have a few posts to wrap things up with phoenix#then imma take a week off#and we'll dive into the second half of atlas and asher's story on the 19th#i think that will take us through september tbh#just gonna focus on them rather than switching back and forth for a while#i miss them so much you don't even know#the way i can't go a week without checking in on them lol#n e way#hope you all have an amazing friday and wonderful weekend#aries outtakes#atlas extras#asher extras#💛🩵💛🩵
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also i feel i should mention - it's been a year since i added kafka as an f/o <3 (so our one year anniversary hehe :3)
#i have nothing to post for her but eee i can't believe it's been a year#(also tell sylus to let me focus on her hehe - tho i pulled his new five star today so I've been a little distracted lol)#but yeah!! gf celebration :3#i should like take a look through her tag later & reblog some art :3#you're all that i adore 💖🕸️
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that's still not how you play tho... or is it??
#ganqing#ganyu#keqing#genshin impact#i love tcg it's so fun#i already got those animated card skins for both of them lol#i'm putting gq into the tcg. tcgq if u will#today kinda feeling like a flop and i can't properly focus on anything but i got this dumb comic idea in my brain so there's that!!!#my art
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prepped stuff last night for several gifsets and only 2 of the 5 movies have kyle in them are you proud of me? 😇
#i have like several more just for kyle but WE"RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THOSE RIGHT NOW THEY WILL COME IN TIME#and i have many other movies that have just been waiting in the wings for their time—whoops#now i gotta decide on what order to do these in lol#im waiting for a package that i think i have to sign for today and it's stressing me out so i can't even focus on them ugh#i pray they just leave it in a parcel locker
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need to be exploding something but i Can't for some reason. just Can Not. my ability to do is just. Nay
#just me hi#GOUHHH#okay so I can't go back to bed rn cuz I was So tired earlier I went to bed at 7#Bad move !! But I also didn't have anything to do so kind of the only one lmao#So I slept for 4 hours and here I am now. At 2 am. Vibing [<- this is untrue]#I have Energy that I Need to dedicate to SOMETHING but I can't figure out what so I'm just vibrating really aggressively and pacing kfvshf#I could funkin writeeeee but I don't know what and i don't think I'll be able to focus so lmaoo 💥#// 💥🎶NONSTOP AUTOMATIC LIVIN IN DELUSION🎶💥#anywho loll--#//i could draw but that's Slow and Caramalizing work. Like when I want to evenly toast my thoughts you know what I'm saying kfshf#Or when I'm just trying to be Thourough. Or just rotating shiz so fast I gotta slow down lol#And then if I draw what should it be? The things in my brain ??? God forbid#What I'm just sposed to pick between the 3+ projects I have blasting at full volume in my head rn ?? That's crazy talk man#//mnm i want. a Snack#Snack tiymeeee#If only we had those kfshvfh#Ik where to get marshmallows (thought they could hide them from me. Impossible) but that's not a good choice for the hour or the craving lo#//what's the point !!! What's the pooooint !!! 🎶#i love you music hfvsh#/speaking of i took my mp3 player w/ me to skate w/ and played oldies and you know that was pretty good man I gotta do that again#Meant to do it last time but I didn't charge her :( and I don't want to stress her battery by killing her so </3#//oh also we went to the movies today !! Part of the reason I'm tired lmao#I always forget to bring smth to plug my ears (it's so funkin loudddd man oTL) but you know what I Didn't forget? Mp3 player w/ the noise#Canceling earbuds. Which worked insanely well I had Zero discomfort :D#Usually the theater experience starts to suck hard at abt the 2/3rds point cuz everything gets loud ;w;#but i forgot abt the sound thing w/ my buds in so :D yay yippee !!#We watched gladiator 2 :) watched the first one the night before so full context let's go 💥#It was good! I think anyway! I'm not sure i was completely clocked in kfshfh#//ooou I'm running out of tag space..#I'll say ciao right here loll :> toodles !!
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I'm going insane. Since when do anxiety attack states of being last ALL DAY.
#my heartbeat has been over 100 most of today#my resting usually sits at like 65-80 depending on how fast I'm walking#I was sitting in lecture at 112! insane.#I have 62 active minutes on my FitBit lmao I have done in fact less physical activity than usual (no gym about usual walking for Wednesdays#(maybe a bit less)#and my stomach has been fucked up all day!#I have a normal amount of mental clarity I'm only a little bit having mental/psychological anxiety#it's like primarily physical. I can't focus because of it this is so uncomfortable#lmao I mentioned to one of my friends (? maybe?) they were like 'how are you today' while in chem lab#I was like 'I'm evil today but it's ok it happens' they were like 'huh what does that mean'#I was struggling to figure out what I wanted to tell him lol we are not very close#so I settled on 'yea I've been having some sort of anxiety attack all day'#told him about my 112 bpm in chem lecture wooo#they were like '??? is that normal???' I was like 'no lmao but it's fine it just usually isn't this Long'#it's like fine because I can still do like lab and get to classes I just can't think very well#I can follow directions and it's best if I can keep moving y'know#alas. anyways#I'm giggling about this because my Mind is fine my Self is normal my body just feels like shit#I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday and I have parties this weekend so I'll be fine I think#I might have to lighten up on my SGA duties though which SUCKS but I need to pass my classes#anyways
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i took a shower i ate i'm trying to distract myself. so why am i still so sad that i can't think
#probably lack of sleep but i doubt my body will allow me to fall asleep anytime soon lol 🥲#even tho i'm so tired ugh#main reason i can't distract myself is my brain is too tired to focus on anything lmao#had a rough meeting with my social worker today so that's probably why i feel extra bad#was reminded of how much i am just. unable to be alive. a functioning person. a person at all#so i am once again in my usual 'why am i even bothering with anything when i won't be able to live a fulfilling life no matter what'#what they don't tell you about 'a better life is possible' is that better doesn't necessarily mean good#it just means less bad. which. when things are extremely bad. doesn't say much#man can someone shoot me like asap. i need to die. why am i alive. etc etc you already heard all that shit before#vent#negative //#suicide //
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have entered a state of calm where after twelve straight hours of being entirely freaked out to an unusual point i have now entirely slowed because there's a fly in my room i am desperately trying to get out. it's like my heart is in my throat but i can't think for long because there's this primal need to get rid of it. and it's almost therapeutic.
#for people wondering why i am so pressed about a fucking fly: it is incredibly large incredibly loud and on the verge of death.#it will not leave my room. there is no way to kill it because it is too high above me wherever it lands.#so i might just sleep with it in my room but it's utterly stupid and might just fly directly at me under the covers anyway.#insect harm tw#bug harm tw#sorry i don't hate bugs it is nothing personal flies freak me out on a severe level though#i wanted to sleep early today too but i like. can't lol.#but at least it's something to focus on.
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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why am i TIRED
#lakes thoughts#easy answer: got up at 5 and today has been kind of shit so#yeah#understandable#but i want to write so#gonna focus on fictional reality bc i can't stop thinking abt look up to the stars rn lol
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good morning!! <33
#so today will focus more on hsr since i did genshin yesterday#besides i should be done with genshin until the next event starts so :3#beyond like doing my commissions if i wanna#other than that 3 prompts left to write#and i have vague ideas for all of them so this should go smoothly#still thinking about rafayel's branch#gosh that looks so cool#like i can't wait to get screenshots of him with the scales & glowy eyes & fins (? that's what they look like) but eee#anyways lol#i hope today/tonight is kind to you!!! <333#morning rambles
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accidentally wrote 1.3k for a wip that I had the idea for in 2018 and haven't really touched since oops (and I'm not done)
#most I've written in one day for a good while and it's not even for anything I'm actually trying to work on#but I was struck with a game-changer of an idea for it out of nowhere#and also the correct pov/tense/voice/style concept was revealed to me#and then I immediately got can't-focus-on-anything-else disease#which killed my productivity at work today as you can imagine lol
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What's your love language?
Quality Time™
In Quality Time™, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.
Tagged byStolen from: @gnarledbite and @the-rorschach-mask (♡) Tagging: Whoever hasn't done it yet?
#🌈 || dashboard games#🌈 || memes#🌈 || character sheet#Chip's being a lazy bugger today#The weather's gotten cooler and wetter but my GOD the ragweed pollen! 😬#Hayfever tablets made for a drowsy day :/#Combined with the chillpills asdfghjkl ugh#People be doing this for their muses and I was surprised at the results#I thought acts of service would be highest considering Khare's occupation but it's true it's quality time#Like she actively tries to focus and memorize stuff about those she's closest to and likes#Just spending quality time with them and focusing on just them#No distractions or attention paid elsewhere#The gifts thing I was also surprised about but she probably doesn't even think about gifts#Didn't need gifts after escaping Prometheus and certainly doesn't need them now#They're nice but she's learned they're not essential#Her broke ass can't buy many gifts anyway other than giving food#Wait there was that one time she sent flowers to Harvey's ward when he got doused with acid#They weren't extravagant just the nicest flowers she could afford which wasn't a lot lol#Physical touch hmm#Khare CRAVES physical touch but at the same time she's terrified of it bc her gross condition and ability to shock people by accident :(#asdfghjkl anyways I did get a bit of drafting done and I'm contemplaying remaking Roman's blog#Love him and all but the outdated layout and post system is so UGLY :c
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i get sooo worried about going off my adhd meds, but honestly i feel like i sometimes exaggerate how bad my adhd is because the last time i was unmedicated for a long period of time (right before i was diagnosed) i was also literally suicidal and had severe anxiety which uh. definitely exacerbated the lack of focus 🫠
#like. i'm unfocused and fidgety and i keep losing my phone and i'm sooo tired#but it's nowhere near as bad as 2021. i'm getting my work done (albeit slowly) & responding to emails#i used my extra free time this morning to practice piano for literally almost an hour???#idk. the amount of work i'm getting done today is not up to my normal standards but it's not NOTHING#there were soooo many days in 2021 where i literally got NOTHING done#i think i'm also better at coping lol. like i KNOW i can't focus on things for a long time so i switch tasks#today i'm interspersing my work with cutting piece for a new quilt i'm working on lol#i also did laundry!!! and picked up oat milk & treated myself to a panini from my local deli#i got an email this morning that my labwork is in so i should be able to meet with my new doctor this week and get back on meds#i have 3 pills left but i'm saving them just in case#i'm worried because i was off my meds for like 4 days before my drug test so i tested negative for amphetamines#so i'm worried they're gonna accuse me of selling them or something#but it's all good. i keep a very detailed medication log in my bullet journal. i have Evidence™#(me: i'm not that adhd / also me: writes an entire novel in the tags of this post)#m.txt
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if this thing wasn’t a one shot (by that I mean one scene), I wouldn’t have to think about how to follow up on McCoy’s “passionate” speech because it would just be “Kirk smiled” switch scenes LOL
(I’m not even sure if I like the speech but I also do like it but idk if it’s a McCoy speech but then there’s always Balance of Terror so I guess lol)
#leni's nonsense#this thing could be finished today#could.#it would actually be good if i could publish it tomorrow and then i could maybe focus on 12dos for the next 12 days lol#maybe.#i still kinda feel like i can't write mc/s anymore... or rather there's just nothing i want to write.... :/// :(((#also i guess i should accept that i will just always write kirk as lonely#(i should probably take a break from this fic today because i'll soon start overthinking it and be like this is so bad...)
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