#i can't exactly articulate it im too tired

[viir-tanadhal]

thinking about neil recording demos a couple months before he met chris

[1o1percentmilk]

hi! regarding your social queues post

i feel like i'm experiencing a thing that's a bit similar to what you are dealing with down to the "I'm not autistic but this shit isn't neurotypical" thoughts (and if not, I'm really sorry for an impromptu vent just ignore all of this please and have a kitty ฅ/⁠ᐠ•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠ᐟ⁠\ฅ)

several of my prev psychologists link it to general anxiety and social awkwardness and yeah, that sounds reasonable, but what bothers me is that idk how to improve

i tend to overthink everything I say to the point where, even though I know what a normal response should look like I can't convince myself that what I said/wrote is articulated in a way that doesn't sound dumb/conveys literally the opposite of what I'm trying to deliver. answering a message after days of silence, which actively worsens my relationships, while I fear that answering with a 'stupid' message would be even worse or agonising over a comment I'm trying to leave on someone's work because, well, I think it's neat and cool and I want the artist/author to know it, but when I start typing my words look wrong and not genuine is a constant thing and I'm tired

and yeah, the worst is comforting people. my friend feels terrible, I can clearly see that and my heart is breaking for them, but I can never find a good thing th say. irl you at least can physically be there((maybe)) but online it's a nightmare

I was always told that words should come from the heart and I never got a feeling that was the case for me which just. i dunno what to do with this

hi hello! no, you're good, I have my ask box open for a reason and that includes venting n stuff like that, i don't mind at all!

yeah this is exactly what i'm talking about... like i have no problem picking up on things between the lines... but i always take too long to respond and by the time i think of something i am either too nervous or the window has passed. in my case, I know its because i have a "slower processing speed" than other people, which i've had since I was little, it's easier to think when i can type on a screen and be able to check if im making sense, but i don't do verbal stuff very well.

i've been in therapy as well, a long time ago, and i've been told i might be on the autism spectrum, and/or have add, but i'm pretty resistant to getting a formal diagnosis or even self diagnosing for some reason.

i think for me, and i don't know if this will help for you, i want to 1) get rid of the... mental block? filter? that my thoughts have to get through before I say something... because sometimes i come up with the thought, but don't say anything due to nerves. that'll help me get more thoughts out there and 2) get more practice with people... which is hard! i tried out both improv and drama club in high school because this is an issue i've been working on for a long time... it didn't really work, but i've learned that there are a lot of... scripts! that i can just use in a pinch. even if its just like, small talk and stuff, or if i don't have anything, i just turn the question on the other person and just listen!

i've been trying to make peace with the fact that i will probably never be as good of a talker as other people, but you and me brother we are probably just meant to be listeners... and nothing wrong with that... there IS stuff we can do to get better at talking, which i encourage. but don't get down out of reason for being quiet.

SORRY that got really long despite me not having alot of good advice but im struggling with it with you, good luck with finding something that works.. if u want to talk u are always welcome here, i enjoyed reading your ask!

[specters]

dude u are so right abt that food post I've never heard someone articulate it but that's exactly how I feel. like the fact that I am eating anything at all is something I am proud of, I don't need to be talked to about how I should eat healthier when I can't stand up for long enough without hurting to cook a "healthy" meal. any food I eat is healthy in my book, and if I start thinking "oh I shouldn't eat that it's not a healthy food" or "oh that has a lot of fat/calories" I'll start delving into my eating disorder again.

(also, sidenote: im tired of the emphasis on diet when you try to look up things on pcos. I KNOW IT HELPS PEOPLE to eat differently, I just also know it's unhealthy for me to focus too much on my diet, it will lead to me just not eating anything)

i'm glad that resonated with someone bc i sooo often feel alone in those thoughts to the point it feels isolating and that i'm overreacting (i'm not glad you deal with those issues too obviously, just that it feels less bad knowing it's not an Original Experience Only I Struggle With, ykwim?). it really sucks that so many people completely disregard those of us who have struggled and continue to struggle with disordered eating when it comes to the topic of food and what you "should" eat. bc as time goes on it feels like it's less and less about "you should eat 3 meals a day" with snacks in btwn or whatever and more "you should cut this out of your diet, you should only eat so much of this a day, you need to restrict this" and that can be so damaging to people who already struggle w eating.

the point you made of any food you personally eat is healthy in your book is so right like i have to remind myself that the fact that i'm eating at all is a healthy decision, it doesn't matter if it's pizza or an entire baguette or whatever the hell else.

[daggryet]

🍓 (no worries/rush if ur busy)

:D i am a little tired tho, so im sorry if it's not as thorough

anyway - you are so smart. you have such a way with words and you understand c!wilbur so, so perfectly, and it's honestly like 30% of why i like c!wilbur so much - every time he shows up, says something, is referred to, i know there's a banger spoon post around the corner. i can't remember exactly what post made me follow you, but i do remember that almost the first thing i did after following you was listening to eight by sleeping at last and it was such an "oh" moment when it came to c!wilbur, it was very funny to me. getting back to the first point, i love reading your opinions on different things because you are smart, and you have such well articulated opinions, and it's so interesting to read. you're also very funny, and you seem very, very kind, and i am very happy you're in the fandom, you are one of a kind, and you bring so so much to the fandom - we are very lucky to have you<33

i also admire that you can criticise without getting too negative, like just looking at a problem and criticise it without, you know, being too lenient or too toxic - and it's honestly a finer line than you'd think, and i think it's so so important to be able to do. also, as mentioned before, your opinions are very interesting to read, even when i don't agree 100% - they always open my eyes to other things, and that is so cool.

you're very cool, and you are a very beloved mutual, and i hope you have a great day/nightt:D

[filmnoirsbian]

im lonely all the time. i was even before lockdown and im just getting really tired of it. i don't know how much longer i can live this way. its hard to ask my friends for help bc they have their own shit going on too. i don't know if i can go on like this for another five years to a decade. it hurts so much. i was going to spend this year living with a friend but they are quarantined with their family now. do you have any advice? i need something to live for.

Hey honey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know well how painful and all-consuming loneliness can be. My advice really comes in 2 parts, and they are in conjunction with one another, rather than separate steps.

Part one: when you are lonely, in my experience, really the only immediate cure is other living things. And lucky for us, the world is full of them. Humans are social creatures and we aren't meant to be isolated for a long time. Last night, I ran into a man who'd spent so many weeks in isolation in a hotel room that he'd started walking around the hotel halls in his spare time, trying to strike up conversations with anyone he ran into. I'm sure he still felt isolated and lonely whenever the conversations ended and he went back to his hotel room, but for those brief moments, he was no longer alone.

By "living things" I also mean non-people. Plants and animals can bring out this comfort in us too. Take a walk through your neighborhood and politely ask to pet every dog you pass. Take in the fresh air, admire the trees and the flowers in gardens. If it's a possibility, you might consider getting some plants of your own. For my own part, gardening did me a world of good. Realizing that these lives depended on me, even as small and "inconsequential" as they are, helped me get out of bed some days.

I know these are tough times to strike up conversations with strangers, but try anyway. Chat with your grocery store cashier about their day. Talk to your friends, your neighbors. Get to know your community. If you can, find a local blm chapter and go volunteer and protest. In helping others, you'll also help yourself. We are never as alone as we might think, and in the end, that community is what saves us.

Part 2, meant to be applied alongside part 1, not before or after: get comfortable with your own company. Yes, loneliness may never fully leave us, but we can add its thread into the tapestry of ourselves, embracing it among all the other parts of us, bright and sad alike. I don't mean "love yourself," although that would certainly be a good thing to do. But i know that, for people like us, it isn't that simple. Before you can love yourself, you must really get to know yourself. And to get to know yourself, you must be comfortable in your own company to do so. Take a step back and try to interview yourself with some objectivity. How would you describe yourself? How are you doing, really? What would you like to be doing, but aren't? It's okay if you can't answer these questions at first, or have trouble articulating them. As with everything, you'll get better with practice.

Have dinner and a movie with yourself. Treat yourself to a long bath or an at-home facial or meditation session. Then, when you feel nice and comfortable, check in. Make this a habit, weekly or more than weekly. Learn to ask yourself "how do I feel about this? Is this good for me or is it harmful?" Sometimes being self centered is the only way to really center yourself. Eventually, once you've done it enough, checking in with yourself will feel as natural as checking in with a friend. And that's exactly what you'll be doing.

I wish you the best 💝

[mooncakes1111]

My life values, ethics and lessons would only perfectly explanable through most abomimable stigmas. It's unfortunate but it's true.

I feel angry that i can't even mention anything even if i will to because i have to keep myself safe and the other people who are reading this are basically like unawoken beasts if i do so. It's apparently also fine for them to do so because they have "every right to and natural moral human emotions are at play so they are not in the wrong either"

I took a pause and forgot what i should add again because damn uncomfortable people make everthing so difficult. I know that i couldn't even finish writing what i think because im not articulate but because of this shit i kind of lost my will to be as well. I'm too tired and disappointed and hurt. And because i have failed to even bring out the talk of my core (which is so important) i don't feel there's any need for being articulate in anything anymore if i have failed myself this way.

Too much of harmful assumptions, too much of whatever the reader thinks after reading is perfectly opposite to every one of my intents, too much of "conditionally open-minded" people who are also hypocrites and liars because they will twist their words when saying what exactly makes them feel what the feel and how it contradicts to their actual beliefs if they said so. You are showing something which you are not. And if people would not put that nice expectation that they won't look to contradict themselves and avoid hypocrisy and just simply admit to something like "you may or may not truly make sense to me, but i am not willing to admit that you could be right because i am simply uncomfortable, and it may also due to be with internalized beliefs which may not really have been mine as i realize". But this is too much to ask for isn't it? Because how dare the situation be any better but worsen, after all, the grownups in government authoritary need to get their fair share of bliss by giving you fools a moral conviction to make you feel like angels when you are none. And again, because it once actually saved you or you saved somebody for it, you will never question, and deny anybody else's feelings just for it alone(bonus if they are already popular with metahporically hanged to shame, although you wouldn't even care about the reasons why people could do that)

If you could have chosen to disregard something, only after you would cross a barrier to see it from their heart, and everything that comes with it as well as comparing them to yourself in an honest way, you would not have been so damn spiteful, and in honesty, it would have been damn better than "uncomfortable". Especially if you are skilled at making people feel outcasted and are also opposed to people feeling better when they are.

As for me, it is not possible for me to completely agree or disagree with someone in general. But in the case for you, when you will talk about something specific especially if it's already what i am familiar with, i could sense a lot of fallacies which may be my mere perception but something which you can't fathom. So strange that we actually may be in the same boat but a different direction, but you will be the one with the violent outburst to disagree otherwise. Not that so many more things of faults and perceptions are left behind, they are too and it makes me feel muddier.

So, i can't blame you afterall can i? I do not adhere to a punishment mindset so maybe i have more a reason not to? So it should be like another day, where i get so tired of this and everything and i force to convince myself that it does not matter again huh. "Ignore it and ignore the shit, it will hurt that you can never have the joy of expressing your core but not like it was required and important, it will be hard to convey and understand for others who will be constanlty shocked at best, and if there is something they found good or took positively they will never tell you and secretly believe in you like the hypocrite they are. Even if they are not bad, everyone is a potential to be this evil"

So don't expect that good relationships exist, they could be heartfelt but ignore that your partner is a potential inblamable good threat who does not come with a built in resistance to see things for how they really are, one that could be truthful at best.

But no, the worst case scenario makes me tired and heartbroken. It does not have to be true. No matter what, i will still believe that everything could be balanced in my life. Maybe i have failed but maybe i have not. My heart will open, not to the ones i can trust, but to the ones who i can trust and be dangerously vulnerable with, who makes my "evil side" calm and less seemingly "hideous". Who hold no grudge and loves me the same.

Even if such a person cannot exist, i will still continue to believe. Oh and by the way, i also have a very potential controversial belief regarding desires, but basically, how would you feel about a "disaster" of a situation without the core that would have made it a disaster in the first place? Shy to be authentic about your beliefs now? Or feel like an ass because it just seems like you're reacting to it from a place of somthing personal than, something that actually needs your conviction? Feel free to help if one does need it, and continue to think you helped them when they didn't need it.

This post is a blur, but maybe only i'll see it for what it is. As usual