#i can literally look at galahad's face and be calm ok

[huzzela]

Hi, after almost a decade, I finally caved. I now have the Order 1886 digital copy in my PS4. I had bought this console towards the end of its life cycle when it was like 150 bucks with your choice of two games (I chose Wolfenstein and Titanfall 2) and I feel like so much happened since the time the game, 1886, was released and the present. I'm by far not very skilled (nor have I gotten any better much), but I'm also indulging myself to grow just a little bit better which is nice.

Unsure how to say this exactly but I feel giddy as all hell. I don't like first person shooter games, and if I have the option not to use the mechanic, I won't (like in Prey 2017 where I can just straight up use a wrench to beat eldritch monstrosities into oblivion). The only FPS heavy game I would indulge in is Wolfenstein and Resident Evil but they're self indulgent and heals my inner child.

I feel like because of this reason, I am at the point where, the Order 1886 is now an aspect of my inner child. I was like 16 when it came out, but at this point in life, that's a part of my life where 16 is now a part of my inner child. So naturally, I'm going to get a copy of it. I'm going to have fun.

And I have been having fun, if not, struggling with the camera and its just CHRIST. It makes me nostalgic of old school style of shooters, had a Wolfenstein feel (like a blend of old school Castle Wolfenstein and reboot Wolfenstein), and the frigging camera is like Bloodborne (I need to wrestle with it and I cannot eye frame shit). The main player character felt like he could fit right in with Assassin's Creed (look me in the eye and tell me he isn't a blend of the main protag from ACI-III) and I'm just frigging giddy. I feel a child-like whimsy even when I feel so weighed down by so much in life right now.

I technically have so much to look forward to this week (a concert with a life-long friend, a group I share a hobby with, a loving support group, comics I wish to indulge in, and a literal video game that reminds me why I play video games in the first place). Despite all these great things, I am just not a happy camper when it comes to work and school. I'm just going through the motions, conserving what little energy I have in the first place, and it makes me want to be passive once more. Because passivity is safety, because if I am a mere consumer, all the variables are just so much more easier to control and it BOGGLES MY MIND how easy it is for me to revert back to this. Its insane!

So, I look forward to this game. Its my shining beacon as I say goodbye to yet another weekend where I feel like? I am not in control. I have no autonomy whatsoever, and some of the video games that had once brought me joy, now feels like I don't have that joy, and Order: 1886 just may be the much needed change in pace and scenary and mechanics that I so desperately need. And its just. So right.

I didn't even bother to wait for a sale. I'm just so desperate to have this experience and playing it for a few minutes is just the much needed break for me. Like I can thread through the waters once again, keep my head just above the water.

And I know others may not feel the same. I do not care. I am undergoing once more a turning point in my life and there is nothing I can do but make choices I will surely regret regardless of what I choose, and my one shining beacon for me BY MY CHOICE is this game everyone and their grandma wants to shit on. I do not care.

All I care about is my enjoyment. This is what I can control, and by damn, I will have it my way.