#i can drink a whole fifth to myself and still be awake (depending on how fast or slow i'm drinking)(I have not done that in a long time)

[tittyinfinity]

tell me how i took my night sleepy time medicine and i'm somehow more awake while yesterday i took an adderall and it made me so fucking sleepy

[hinaaspanda]

...and they were (more than) roommates! | njm

Pairing: Campus Pretty Boy + Roommate! Jaemin x Dancer! Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 9576

Your easily distracted mind had made it maddeningly clear; no song, no matter what the tempo or melody, could take your mind off of your one and only roommate, Na Jaemin. 

a/n; hi! for this fic i tried adding my own oc (Hina) just to spice things up!! lol totally not to insert myself as jenos love interest or anything ahaha anyways please enjoy!

Huang Renjun never thought that breaking off one college relationship would be so detrimental to your heart. 

It really was such a small relationship, just one month of innocent pecks on the cheeks in between classes, weekend dinner dates, and trips around the city on your breaks. It was such a minute thing, yet your heart couldn’t get enough. You grew invested, never wanting to let go. Becoming dependent on mere goodbye kisses. And after one month of being together, you were stuck watching him drift away, fingers intertwined with that of someone new. Now, of course, one question remained; if it was such a short relationship, why in the world did it hurt your heart so much? 

You sat under the brisk afternoon sunlight, gnawing at the cafeteria food as your campus friends began bickering over god knows what. You tune out the ruckus before you, your mind wandering like a lost child between the aisles of a supermarket. An image of him swims into your mind as you curse under your breath. It didn’t matter how healthy your break up was, or how put together your persona must’ve seemed. The only thing you wanted was to be in Renjun’s arms once again. 

Suddenly, you felt the stares of a concerned Hina and Shotaro burning through you. Your shoulders shivering at the sudden thrust into the spotlight. Was your thinking face that miserable-looking? You sent a half-assed chuckle in the hopes of diverting their attention.

“Is something wrong-”

“You were thinking about him again, weren’t you?” Your childhood friend, Hina, began rather harshly, throwing off your more laid-back classmate, Shotaro. “About Renjun?” 

The soda that slid down your throat almost shot out of your lips, straight into the air as Hina stared you down, interrogating you. How obvious were you? You pondered for a little bit, your eyes now meeting Hina’s and Shotaro’s concerned ones. You couldn’t defy the truth to your overly caring friends, even if you tried. “...Yeah. I was.” 

The somber air around you thickened with each passing minute as you finished off your lunch for the day. You wince, fearing your friends would, out of disappointment in your inability to shut up about your failed love life, cut ties with you right then and there. You wouldn’t blame them, though. Even you were starting to get tired of your weak, measly heart. Shotaro breaks the silence, a sweet grin plastered on his face. 

“Don’t worry about it, y/n! You just need to find something to get your mind off of him!” Shotaro chirps, his upbeat demeanor infecting Hina beside him. Hina continues, a grin now lining her lips.

“How about another date? With someone new!” 

You almost scoff out loud. “Another date?”

The bold figure of Hina crossed her arms in disbelief. “There are other guys out there, y/n. What about your roommate? Isn’t he single?.”

“My roommate? No! We’re just friends, nothing else!” You quickly retort, waving your hands in a very strong denial. Hina’s head tilted in persuasion.

“You’ll never know until you try, y/n.” Your head hung low as you let out the fifth sigh that day. You loved Hina, you truly did, but with these outlandish ideas protruding from her head, you were convinced she was going crazy. 

...

“What? You gonna chicken out or something?” Donghyuck scoffed through a disgusting amount of food stuffed in his mouth. “You’re telling me the campus hottie’s too scared to go on a date?” Jaemin’s eyes sent nothing but death threats to the aggravating college student, sipping on the vending machine drink destructive to his health. He was offended, to say the least. Offended at how inaccurate his so called ‘friend’ was being, anyways. 

Na Jaemin had it all.  A decent fashion sense, heavenly proportions, good grades and work ethic. A face most people would classify as attractive, and a bright, luring smile to tie it all together. Some say he was the whole package, driving the women of the campus insane as they line up to get a simple glimpse of the school’s resident hottie. He was the campus pretty boy, but one question remained; why was he still single?

It’s been theorized by many, some believing in his virtuous desire to focus on his studies, while others believe he might just swing another way or simply not interested in the idea of romance. But one thing stayed true, Na Jaemin was not some coward who couldn’t get a date. 

The pretty boy sat before his set of now intrigued college friends, Donghyuck, Jeno, and Yangyang, all riddled with such an irritating curiosity it made Jaemin cringe. It was only Tuesday, Jaemin had a tower of school work waiting for him back at home, and the last thing he needed was three idiots challenging his love life. He reached for another sip of his drink, cursing at lack of said drink in the can. 

 “Don’t be stupid, Hyuck. I could get a girl if I wanted to. I’m just...busy right now, with schoolwork and stuff” 

“Oh really?” Donghyuck’s sly voice ticked a flame in Jaemin’s soul. He huffed out a disbelieving scoff as he leaned back on the cheap, plastic chair.   Was he really doubting him? He quite literally had the entire female population of the school at his grasp, and Donghyuck was doubting him? Lee Donghyuck was bound to eat his words, as gross as a child to their ice cream. 

“Yeah, I can get any girl around here, just watch. And if I don’t?” Jaemin’s eyes scour around, searching for a way out another stupid idea before finally landing on the trash pile that was Yangyang’s homework. “...I’ll do your guy’s homework for a week.” 

Everyone’s eyes widened at Jaemin’s proposal, a proposal that stunted even the slyest of prankers, Lee Donghyuck himself. Was he really going all out? Sacrificing a week of freetime for some measly bet? Even stupefying the once unbothered Jeno, trapped in his own, unexpectedly unfortunate love life. 

“Dude are you serious? Deal!” Donghyuck and Yangyang practically hollered, both sending Jaemin a crisp slap on the back. Na Jaemin, how much of an idiot are you?

“So, who do you think you're gonna go for?” Jeno gripped the strap of his school bag as him and Jaemin trotted away from their final class of the day. Jaemin huffed out what felt like the 100th sigh that afternoon. His eyes grazing the trees peeking through the campus windows. Surely he needed a plan, right? No matter how many girls relished in his good looks, he wouldn’t possibly survive without one. Jaemin’s palms grew cold, pupils shaking in a sudden fear. God, maybe he would be stuck writing Yangyang’s overdue essays for the next week. 

“What about that y/n girl?” Jeno suddenly chirped. “The quiet one from the dance department?” 

Jaemin froze in his tracks, looking synonymous to a deer caught in headlights. He tilted his head, puzzled, to say the least. “...y/n?” 

“Yeah, I heard she got out of a relationship recently.” 

Jaemin’s once boastful voice soon grew into a stuttering mess as Jeno walked past him, sending a heartwarming chuckle. Jeno turned around, giving one final look to Jaemin, currently bathing underneath the small snippets of evening sunlight. 

“It’s just something to think about, Jaem. Don’t worry about it too much.” 

...

Your legs were anything but stable as you stepped off the city bus that night. You loved to dance, but you wouldn’t be lying if you said it drained you faster than a mosquito sucking out your blood. The mustard streetlight effortlessly cascaded off of your frame as your wobbly figure began its long trek to your apartment. Sudden buzzes from your phone shook you awake一a sensation your exhausted self clearly needed一before you clicked on the notification. 

Roomie :) [7:34pm]: I bought us some dinner before I got home

Roomie :) [7:34pm]: sorry it’s frozen pizza lol I’m too poor :((

Roomie :) [7:36pm]: oh also I got a favour to ask when u get here

Your mind trails back to lunch, with a familiar phrase replaying in your head for the umpteenth time that day. 

 How about another date? With someone new?

You huffed out another somber sigh, something you found yourself doing a lot, lately. Could you really do it? Could you finally let go of the dead weight? Finally free yourself of the heartbreak tainting you? You feel your heart clenching inside you as you fumble with your house keys. Could your heart handle another simple date?

What about your roommate? Isn’t he single?

No, your roommate didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve being bombarded with the atrocity that was your failed love life. He was too sweet, too caring to deal with anything of the sort. Besides, with how gentle and pleasant he is, it was certain you didn’t deserve him. 

This wouldn’t have been the first time you held your roommate in such high regard. He really had it all, a kind personality, decent looks, and an exquisite taste in cheap, diabetes inducing food. He knew all the best coffee places and knew the perfect times to surprise you with your favorite drinks. He wasn’t just some rando who split the rent with you. He was your friend. A sudden rush of unwanted blood heats up your cheeks as you stop in your tracks. 

He was your friend. Nothing more. 

The golden light of your apartment blinded you as you strolled in. The figure of your roommate was cast before you, dawning his classic ivory shirt and grey sweatpants, paired perfectly with his undone hair, and a plate of steaming hot pizza, straight from the microwave. It looked nothing like the pretty boy image he left your apartment with before class this morning. It was surreal, really. Only you got the luxury to see him like this. It was one of the strange perks of being roommates with the one and only, Na Jaemin. 

“Welcome home!” Jaemin chirped to your sleepy figure. He thrusted the plate of pizza to you, a smile wiped across his cheeks. “Pizza?” 

...

Your heart almost leaped out of your chest.

Your trembling, sweaty palms couldn’t stop shaking since dinner, almost breaking one of your scarce dinner plates in the process of washing them. You couldn’t blame yourself, though. Na Jaemin’s proposal was nothing but calming.

“So, what were you gonna ask me, anyways?” You spat through your mouth full of rubbery pizza. God, you need to eat properly before practice. You glanced at our roommate, currently fiddling with the tips of some miscellaneous fork as he suddenly dodged your eyes. 

“Uh, yea, that.” He stuttered. So timid, it was unreal to you. Usually this man had no fear of asking for favours. Whether it was doing his laundry or fixing up dinner on his assigned day of the week, he would never show any hesitation on asking you to do anything. 

“Okay this is gonna sound weird, but…” Jaemin started, breaking into a cold sweat. “I need you to go on a fake date with me.” Jaemin finally exhaled before connecting his eyes with yours. The whites of your eyes spilled out, along with the juice that almost had the chance of successfully slipping down your throat. He wanted... what?

“Don’t worry! It’s just gonna be one date! I made this stupid bet with Hyuck, and if I don’t get a date soon, I need to do their homework for a whole week!” He gripped the locks of his hair as he slumped onto his side of the dining table.

You shuffled back to the dining room, clenching your paper towel tightly in your palm. Anything to help calm your rapid heart down, just for a moment. “And, you can use this as a chance to distract yourself from that Renjun asshole.”

A sudden pain struck your chest like a lightning bolt to a lanky tree, barren in a grassland. You wince at the sudden calling of that name, your taste buds growing sour. You let out another soft sigh. You really need to get over him, fast. You stretch up from your seat, hoisting up the now empty dinner plate as you trudge towards the sink. But not before stopping in your tracks, tilting your head in Jaemin’s direction. 

“I-uh-I’ll think about it.” 

Oh, you thought about it, alright. Screamed into your poor, innocent pillow about it, at least. 

It all zoomed too fast for you, too swift for your brain to handle. Your breathing grew short and shallow. You felt as if you could die, right then and there, gripping onto your bed sheets while freaking out about Na Jaemin, your bold roommate. No, you couldn’t take up his risque offer. You were in no shape to go on another date, even if it did have no actual meaning behind it. You were too tangled in your mess of a life, and this stupid move would only fan the fire. 

You can use this as a chance to distract yourself from Renjun. 

The phrase rang through your head more time than you would’ve liked. No matter how much you shielded yourself from his claim, Jaemin would still be right in that manner. You needed to distract yourself, sure. But was this the way to go? 

Another sigh escapes your lips as you rush down the hall of your apartment. Your steps, hesitant as ever, dripping in a mix of confusion, exhaustion and nervousness. It’s official. You are the worst at well thought-out decisions. 

“Hey” you huffed at your roommate, eyeing him timidly as he washes the dishes. Something your shaken figure couldn’t properly complete without breaking a glass that night. He shifts to face you, a slightly nervous expression painting him. You clear your throat before continuing, hoping that small cough would stop time in its tracks. 

“I-I’ll go on that date with you.”

His classic boisterous smile spreads across his face once again. If your mind wasn’t rushing around in four different places at once, you could probably admit that you found it the slightest bit cute. 

“Really? Thanks so much! How does this Saturday at 7 sound?”

You only had the mental energy to swiftly nod your head as you zoomed back into the confines of your room, your safe space. You couldn’t help but notice the heat rising back to your cheeks as you plopped back onto the bed, vigorously scrolling through your phone to find your saviours.

the gorls and shotaro [9:48pm]: guys I need help with something

the gorls and shotaro [9:49pm]: let’s meet at hina’s after class

...

“I don’t care if you’re just going on some fake date to lie to his friends, I still wanna make you look hot!” Hina never failed to leave you, Shotaro, and probably some people passing by her house, shaken by her booming voice. With her small, fragile looking frame, she was the last one you’d expect to have such a bold personality. 

“Please, that’s the fifth dress in your closet she’s tried already. It’s just a fake date, we don’t even need to try hard!” Shotaro challenges, his attention leaving a now grumbling Hina as it turns towards you. “Why did you even say yes, anyways?” 

“I dunno, I’m stupid?” You murmur, the hint of bitterness caught in your breath. You give a subpar twirl to your audience, a deadpan expression shielding your face. “I guess I wanna help him? It would suck to do all that homework for a week.” 

“Yeah, but he could easily ask any other girl on the campus. This is freaking Na Jaemin we’re talking about!” Hina once again hollered. An action that would guarantee her a slap on the head if you didn’t love her so much.

“Are you sure it's just for that stupid bet?”

You slip into the makeshift change room, which was really just blankets hung on coat hangers, propped across two sides of a corner in Hina’s room. After making your final decision for your outfit of the night, you change back into your own clothes, stalling your response to Hina’s question. You never knew why you felt the need to stall, though. You should know your answer by now, right?

“Yeah, it’s just for the bet, nothing else.” You find your voice trailing off at those last words of yours as you emerge from the corner, holding the destined outfit that made the cut. Hina sighed, plopping onto the bed like the main character of those dramas after they finally find out they’re in love. 

“Just make sure you aren’t lying to yourself, y/n. It could hurt you.”

“Oh really? Isn’t it time you listen to your own advice??” Shotaro provoked, Hina now shooting up from the bed in irritation. “How are things going with that Jeno guy, huh?” 

“I am going to murder you.” Hina’s voice stayed low, barely trembling before zooming through the door, chasing a now escaping Shotaro and his incredibly fast feet. You, however, couldn’t pray for Shotaro’s survival. Not with your mind stuck in it’s own rut, and your cheeks now glowing a violent pink. 

This was just for a bet, nothing else. You reminded yourself once again.

...

“This wasn’t too bad, right?” His soothing voice swam through your ears softly, but it did absolutely nothing to calm down your heart, which was currently pacing anywhere but your chest. You mustered up all the courage in the world to glance back at his eyes across the restaurant table, your breaths stopping in an effort to hide the sudden rush of blood flowing to your cheeks. With his unbothered eyes locking onto yours in an instant, Na Jaemin sent you another one of his heartache-inducing smiles. “Thanks for helping me with this.” 

This shouldn’t be affecting you this much. After all, the only thing you and Jaemin really did was sit under the restaurant roof, order dishes deemed perfect under the social media lens, and take pictures with said dishes, becoming the perfect pieces of evidence to show that Na Jaemin was no coward. However, with the romantic, first date type outfit draped onto your figure, and the general ambience of the room, you couldn’t help but feel just the slightest bit flustered. You shot him another smile, one hiding the forest fire that was your mental state. “Uh, yeah! No problem!”

Silence fell over the two of you as you listened to the clinks of glass sounding off from the dishwashing station behind you. A silence that you wanted to hold onto more than anything. But alas, Your roommate breaks it, glancing up from the ground. 

“You look great, by the way.”

Your cheeks flush a deep vermillion. They’ve been doing that a lot lately.

“Thanks, Jaem.” You barely muster out, dodging his eyes. “But you don’t have to say stuff like that, this is all fake, remember?” You took the time to remind him, not fully sure who truly needed it. You fiddled with your fingers as your ears picked up the sudden ruckus of obnoxious college students coming from down the dining hall.

“You should ask her out, Jeno!” a voice chirped

“No! Are you crazy? She probably thinks I’m weird or something”

“I doubt it, you’re hot! Plus, she’s in my department! I can alway ask-”

“Guys, quick, look! Over there!”

The voices grew closer and closer, the whites of your eyes spilling more and more in utter shock. You can’t help but check on Jaemin, the same expression now burning through you. You mirrored each other so much, you could tell the exact words running through his mind right now. Mostly because they ran through yours, too. Oh Shit.

“JAEMIN!!” The voice of an irritating Lee Donghyuck rang through your ears at an alarming, and unwanted rate. The hollers of an equally aggravating Liu Yangyang from Jaemin’s class, swiftly followed, leaving behind the only tolerable one, Lee Jeno behind. “I didn’t know you’d be here!” 

“Ahaha, hey!” Jaemin stuttered, panic overflowing in his eyes as the three intruders squished into the already occupied, two person booth. His eyes scanned the restaurant, grasping for any way to escape. Afterall, this was certainly not part of the plan. Donghyuck’s curious eyes scanned, too, his pupils finally focusing on you. “And who might this be?”

“I-I’m y/n” You stuttered out, your wrist feeling heavy as you began gesturing to the date in front of you. “I’m his da-”

A lightbulb jumped from Jaemin’s head, his shoulder jolting in response. Na Jaemin wasn’t one for outlandish pranks, especially if you were at the receiving end, which only made your thumping heart wonder; what the hell was he trying to pull now?

“She’s my date.”

Suddenly, your once isolated and vacant hand was tugged to the center of the dinner table before softly getting encased in his. His fingers, notably bigger than your nimble ones, interlocked with yours. Heat began to creep up at your ears. Who knew your hand fit so perfectly in his? You looked down, foolishly hoping that your cheeks would stop flushing into that embarrassing red if you hid it well enough. “See?”

“Oh!” Donghyuck lined his lips with a stupid grin, his eyebrows wiggling as he scoffs in disbelief. Yangyang riled up with excitement beside him, and even the calm Jeno couldn’t stop his jaw from falling to the floor. Na Jaemin did it. He really pulled it off. “I guess we’re disturbing something, then?” 

“No worries! We were just about to leave, anyways” Jaemin still held onto that panicked tremble in his voice as the two of you shuffled through the restaurant booth. He stalked behind you before handing you your coat. “See you guys tomorrow!” 

Your mind couldn’t help but focus on the light touch Jaemin’s palm left on the lower, small of your back as he gently escorted you from the restaurant. You felt like a princess, protected by your knight’s brute strength, as you tiptoed on your path of feathers.  That darned flushed heat wouldn’t leave your cheeks. Na Jaemin, your one and only roommate, was driving you crazy.  

The wind roughly brushes against your cheek as the two of you finally exit the restaurant. The breeze was the last thing you would’ve classified as comfortable, which was why you felt just the slightest twinge of disappointment once the warmth of his hand snaked away from you. His palm hugged the nape of his neck as his eyes softened from their former panic. 

“Sorry about that, I didn’t know they’d show up so randomly.”

No, he had nothing to apologize for. It was your fault for being so greedy. You instinctively widen the distance between you, saving yourself from a wave of embarrassment.  

“It’s fine.”

It’s official, you hated your weak heart more than anyone. 

...

Three. There were three instances in which your heart was set on fire the next day, by none other than the infamous Na Jaemin, of course. 

[10:49 am]

A violent GAME OVER! blasted through your ear drums as you slumped on the couch, watching your roommate die for the 70th time that evening. He let out an equally jolting groan, throwing the controller to the depths of your living room carpet before rushing to check if it was okay. You sat promptly on the couch he leaned against, mindlessly scrolling through your phone as if last night you didn’t experience the most heart-collapsing date in the 19 years of your life. 

Your heart still hasn’t properly healed from it, either. Every time you pass by him in the halls, whether it be a quick snack or a glass of water, your heart never fails to tense up, your throat tightening up in a cruel response. You swear, Na Jaemin was out for your blood the moment he asked you to stay in the living room with him, even if it was to simply watch him fail play. 

“Aw fuck me!” Jaemin suddenly blurted out as he examined the now loosened control button. As if on cue, an army of redness storms through your cheeks as you listen in, his simple word choice setting you off. Your head shakes vigorously enough to give you a pounding headache, before you get the chance to fill your head with certain spoiled thoughts. Wow, you really are evil. 

You didn’t spare him the explanation for your sudden departure from the living room couch. All you knew was that your mind and heart were running haywire, and the only thing that could stop you from thinking about your roommate as anything but your roommate was a deep rethinking of your own morals beside your castle of stuffed animals. 

[2:45 pm]

“Here, I’ll get that for you.” Jaemin’s towering figure shielded your back from the apartment kitchen as he stretched over, retrieving the ranging dish your pitiful frame couldn’t reach. He closed the air between you, his extended chest grazing your shoulder as you stood frozen, your mouth gaping open. He sends you a playful grin as he hands you the plate. “You should try growing a little more, y/n!”

You were too stuck in your questionable haze to tighten your grip on the glass plate, so it was only natural to feel the glass slip through your fingers, shards of the crisp material scattering around your bare feet. Frightened, Jaemin scurried below you, the gentleness of his fingers as he picks up each shard of glass sending butterflies to your stomach. 

“Oh my god! Y/n, are you alright!?” You wanted to scoff at his face. Of course you weren’t.

“Uh, yeah. I’m okay.” 

He glances up from below you, his fingers circling the new scratch on your foot that only surfaced from your astound clumsiness. 

“Be careful next time, alright?” 

You nod hesitantly, staying frozen as Jaemin swiftly works around you; throwing out the dangerous glass shards, running away to retrieve your first aid kit, and patching up your pathetic wound in what felt like one swift heartbeat. God, how pathetic were you?

[8:22 pm]

“Have you seen my hoodie? The blue one?” Jaemin showed no mercy to your innocent door as it swung straight into the wall beside it. You let out an award-winning shriek, your once calm figure jumping from its curled up position. “I think it’s in your laundry bin.”

What he actually had on was...minimal. Nothing but tousled, damp hair and a white towel hooked around his waist. You would let out another shriek if you wanted to, but the lack of air reaching your lungs, all from the utter shock of a half-naked Na Jaemin in your wake, stopped you from spitting out any kind of noise imaginable. You dig your fingernails into the flesh of your poor teddy bear as you shield your eyes from your door frame. 

“Gahh! What are you doing?”

“Huh? Oh.” It finally clicked in his mind that his current appearance was not for the faint of heart. Not for yours, at least. You let out another ear- piercing wail. “Put on a shirt already!!” 

Jaemin let out a boastful, childish laugh. He leaned over, digging for your eyes, which were currently finding anything else to lay their attention on. “What, are you getting flustered?”

Your eyes finally meet up with his as he keeps you hostage with his stare. A familiar heat storms up your cheeks for the millionth time that evening as you grip the limb of another one of your stuffies on standby. With one final whine, you chuck the plush at his direction. Your lack of looking back all in an effort to hide your glowing red face, out for revenge. “Get out!”

“You’re so cute, y/n.” Jaemin teasingly hums as he slips out of your door frame. You let out an exhausted huff, your chest loosening so much, you’re convinced you haven’t been properly breathing before then. 

Na Jaemin will seriously be the death of you. 

...

You knew it was cowardly, but you just had to run away. Your weak heart wouldn’t be able to survive otherwise. 

You wisp into the barren walls of the dance studio, the flickering lights blinding your vision as you switch them on. You shuffle to the corner of the room, dropping your bag before fumbling with the music station. A soothing song swims through your ears as you settle down in the center of the room, an eye keeping watch of your posture. You close your eyes. Maybe this will finally calm your heart down. 

You start slowly, an arm traveling artistically through the air as your legs twirl around the floor. The melody of the music carries your limbs away, leaving your mind alone to think. 

They were just simple interactions, a simple slip up ending with a broken dish, a simple choice of words, a simple clasp of the hands to keep up with some measly lie. They were such small things, so why did your heart light up in flames everytime? Why did each instance leave a staining image of Jaemin in your mind, everytime? 

You think back to the man that held your heart, before brutally smashing it with his own fist. Huang Renjun. He hasn’t grazed your mind for quite some time now, but this familiar feeling wasn’t exactly pleasurable. Your heart soaked itself in that same lonely feeling, the desire to cling back. You froze from your dance, expecting full well your mind would submerge in a pool of sorrow. Yet, this week was just full of surprises, wasn’t it?

Another image of your horrid roommate flies into your mind, your head mentally swatting it away like a pestering insect. Nonetheless, it’s trailed back, persistent as ever, as you grumble your way to turn off the music. Na Jaemin, wins again. 

You could admit, Jaemin kept his promise at shielding your mind away from your failing love life, but he never warned you about the repercussions that were of him seeping into a corner of your heart. His risque, almost flirty behaviour, his teasing remarks, a smile that would brighten up a barren world. He just wouldn’t leave your mind. Yet, you knew you couldn’t have him. If your forest fire of a romance with Renjun had taught you anything, it was that you couldn’t love. You were too clueless, too childish to properly hold someone’s heart. You didn’t deserve anyone’s love. 

After gathering your belongings, you trek out the door. You were so lost in your thoughts, not even the thing you held to your heart so dearly, dancing, could pull you out of your rut. You were in no state to go back home just yet, so your fingers trace your phone screen to look for Hina, your resident childhood friend and therapist, apparently. And you wished you had the luxury of plopping onto Hina’s bed, screaming out all your anger into her pillow as she sneaks snacks up to her room, but your horrid life had other plans. 

A familiar figure stop’s in their tracks, their bag swaying in their grasp一a grasp that was almost loosened in pure shock一 as they connect their eyes to yours. You stay frozen, your breath hitching as you search for anything to say. And by the looks of it, they were doing the same. 

“Y-y/n?” The voice of a flabbergasted Huang Renjun rings through your ear. “W-what are you doing here?”

...

It didn’t take Jaemin long to realize you had left early that morning. Your dance bag left an awkward space beside your night stand in its absence, the dish drying rack was already occupied, with one simple plate and a glass turned over. But more importantly, Jaemin woke up with an empty, lost feeling rumbling inside him一something he only felt when you weren’t around. 

It first occurred during the third week of splitting rent, when you joined the school’s dance team. You had left the room without a trace, leaving Jaemin to search for you like a lost puppy to its reluctant owner, instead of getting ready for his afternoon class. He tried his best to brush it off as simple boredom, but with the way his vision simply lights up in your presence, even he started to get suspicious of himself. 

He couldn’t quite pinpoint it at first, the very reason you always trailed in his mind. It could have been anything. Your immense amount of talent, the wisp of anonymity that surrounded you, one he strived to break to get to know you better. The angelic personality he was first greeted with once he did break down that barrier. Anything about you could’ve easily pulled his heart closer to you. He was in love. 

Nevertheless, he clearly wasn’t obvious enough, as within weeks of beginning your college career, your figure was cradled in the arms of another man. Huang Renjun, resident A+ student and Jaemin’s childhood classmate.  

As the days pass by, and he becomes bombarded with endless homework, the two of you slowly drift apart, returning to the simple ‘roommate’ label on your contact lists. He resorts to the abundance of girls around the campus. Hoping each one he’d fool around with could finally get his head away from you. Yet, as he always comes home just to see your face, so did his heart, apparently. 

Don’t get him wrong, he felt terrible the night you trudged home in tears, the fresh sadness of a break up welling through you. And he tried everything in his power to make you feel better, though it never worked. But一 and he would rather kill a man than ever let this slip from his tongue一he couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit relieved that you were finally in his grasp once again.

“So, how serious are you? About her?” Jeno quizzed through the phone, a now distressed Na Jaemin on the other side of the line. Jaemin fell onto the bed, dust particles jumping into the air. 

“I really like her” Jaemin huffed.

“So? Then go tell her! You should be with her, not here blabbering about her to me. Look, you don’t have anything to worry about, Jaem. It’s not like she’s in a relationship anymore.”

Jaemin's eyes widen and Jeno’s nonchalant words. That's right. You weren’t taken anymore. Not trapped in the confines of another man’s arms. It was what he was fighting for, all those months ago. Na Jaemin finally had a shot with you. 

“Are you sure you like her?” Jeno pulled Jaemin back to reality as Jaemin scrambled to the bathroom. He placed the device down on the bathroom sink, his eyes locking in with his reflection from the bathroom mirror. “Yeah.”

He chuckled to himself before ending the call, an image of you rolling into his mind. ‘Like’ would be a deep understatement. He was in love, has been for months now, and he was finally ready to tell the truth. He probably looked like a little kid hungry for ice cream, but he didn’t care. He paced out the door. He was going to finally have you, once and for all. 

...

“She and I are good, yeah.” Renjun stuttered out, not looking past the drink he hastily purchased before the two of you sat down in the campus cafe. “What about you? How have you been?” 

With all your might, you stopped your throat from belting out a petty laugh. How have you been? Was he being serious? You’ve been pleasant, aside from all the inner turmoil ringing through your heart at the moment. You sent a bogus smile at the man in front of you. “I’ve been...alright.”

The awkward silence suffocated you, squeezing your throat so tight, not a single sliver of air could slip through. Why did he come across you now of all times? And why did he have to be so much more emotionally sound than you were? Renjun shifted around, clearing his chest with a small ahem! You knew he was always a man who would never beat around the bush, and today was no exception. 

“I’m sorry…” His sudden confession shook you to your core, the liquid inside your glass mimicking your shivering movements. Your eyes, out of pure shock, finally take the courage to graze across Renjun as he continues. “I’m sorry for leaving you like that, I know I didn’t give you that much of an explanation back then.” 

Your eyes retire back to the wooden table in front of you. He didn’t need to apologize. He didn’t need to explain himself at all, not when your greedy heart was at fault. “I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I wasn’t enough for you.” 

“You don’t have to apologize, Renjun.” You were having enough trouble forgetting him as it is, you didn’t need this. 

“I didn’t wanna lie to myself, so that’s why I left you so abruptly like that.” He explains, his fingers turning white from his grip on the coffee cup. Your breaths grow short, your mind scurrying to find the hidden meaning behind his words. All this time, your mind retired to the idea of him running away from your clinging figure, claiming that now rash narrative as valid; correct. Tearing your heart up into little pieces in the process. 

“So we didn’t break up because I was being...selfish?”

“Selfish? Of course not.” He comforted. “You deserve someone else, someone way better than me.” 

Your mind trails back to your roommate once again, his smile growing more contagious. You find your lips sneaking in a small smile at the thought of him. Except, this time, no twinge of sorrow had followed. Like a bag of bricks lifted off your shoulders, you were finally free. You shined a genuine grin, your first in a long while. “So, we’re good?”

“Of course, y/n.”

You were so trapped in your own childish thoughts, you didn’t notice the hasty booming steps crash through the cafe door frame. 

“Y/N!” The voice of your roommate flew through your ears, striking you like a deer caught in blinding headlights. His volume was so loud, you wouldn’t be surprised if someone heard him from the outside of the cafe.  “I’ve been looking all over for you!”

...

Usually, Na Jaemin was laid back. Generally unbothered with a smirk lining his lips every now and then. It was one of the ways he stayed on top of the collective campus hierarchy for so long, he was always calm, cool, and collected. He always was, except for today. Instead, he was scrambling at his feet, thumbing through every inch of the school, looking for the infamous y/n. 

He finally skips to the cafe, the faint scent of coffee and flavouring overtaking him. He was a panting mess, his hands gripping at the bolts of his knees as he leaned over in pure exhaustion. It was weird, Jaemin always considered himself to be decently fit. It must’ve been you, suddenly turning his world upside down. 

She’s gotta be here. 

As if on cue, your head pops up on the corner of his eye, basking under the afternoon sunlight which generously seeped through the cafe window. Your eyes weren’t on him, but that wasn’t the worst of his problems. His eyes travel further down your direction, his limp legs mindlessly following like a puppet on two strings. Your eyes weren’t on Jaemin. They were on someone else. 

Renjun.

A familiar clenching feeling pulls on his heart harshly, so much so, that his hands reach up to palm the pain through his chest. He’s only felt this rude awakening one other time in the 19 years of his life; the moment you left the house on your first ever date with Huang Renjun. A flame ignites within him as he stalks up to the table. With his heaving breaths and awkward, stiff posture, it was inevitable he'd summon a couple of stares from various customers, but he couldn’t care less. 

Usually, Na Jaemin was laid back, but because of you, he became this gross, jealous, poor excuse of a man. 

“You didn’t have to be so loud, you know!” You found your voice peaking at the end of your sentence, probably gathering more attention than what you were currently lecturing Jaemin for. A blush stained the circles of your cheeks, though you were never quite sure whether it was the embarrassment of being the center of attention, or the fact that Na Jaemin came rushed and disheveled, looking for you. You cleared your throat to hide your obscene thoughts一a practice you’ve been getting the hang of, lately. “What did you need from me anyway-”

“Why were you with him.” Jaemin cut in. Although, with his stone cold frame now towering over you, his eyes; unassuming and distant, and shallow, hitched breaths, you weren’t even certain this was the same roommate you couldn’t get out of your head for the past week. You simply wave your hand away. 

“We just happened to meet up by accident, and we got to talk some stuff out, that's all.” You prayed that your calm voice could soothe the currently tempered man before you. Of course, however, it didn’t. 

“Was it really?”

“Yes! Okay, Jaem? What’s with you today?”

“Don’t visit him anymore.” His voice boomed towards the end of his sentences, startling even the finest of nature as two innocent birds fly away in fear. 

Something didn’t click, didn’t sit right in your head. Since when was he so demanding? So rude? You found yourself slowly backing away from his figure, an action you thought you’d have to do in your life. Before, he was always a safe space for you, even without your confusing feelings for him. He was always there for you. But now, the air around turned gray, and you were scared more than anything. You scoff, throwing Jaemin off. 

“Are you telling me what to do?” 

“I’m only worried for you, y/n.”

“Worried about what, exactly? That I’d get back with Renjun?” You stand firm before him. Y/n, what the hell are you doing now. To your own dismay, you continue. “Why would you care about that anyways?”

“Am I not allowed to care about you!?” He practically hollered at the top of his lungs. A fire welled up inside you, with no way of fanning it down. Who does this guy think he is?  

“Last time I checked, we didn’t have anything real! Everything between us was all a damn lie! So no, maybe you don’t!” 

You lay one final blow straight to Jaemin’s chest, knocking him down like a line of concurred dominoes. Your heart clenches in a cruel response. You were right, factually correct, but the truth always came with a price. Spectators began to crowd around the scene, as a fuming Jaemin stalks towards you, closing the distance between your shoulder blades and brick wall behind you. 

“WELL MAYBE I WANTED SOMETHING REAL!” Jaemin retorted, eyes holding a flame you never thought your calm roommate could ignite within him. The air around you grew cautious, the only things sounding off were the weary engines driving past the scene of the crime. His breath grew shallow as it brushed against your skin, your trembling figure watching as he let out an aggravated sigh. His fingers, laced in irritation, comb through his hair as he softens his voice into one final whisper. 

“But you don’t want anything like that, right? ‘Cause you’re still caught up with that Renjun asshole?” 

“Jae-”

“Forget it” Jaemin spits, his eyes finally dodging yours. He backs away from your trembling figure, his hands buried in his pockets as he quickened his pace away from you. Jaemin hissed under his breath, everything finally clearing up in his head. You didn’t want him, You were never ready to move on. It’s official, Na Jaemin couldn’t have you, and he never will.  

...

Your brain always had a knack for remembering things, keeping random nuggets of knowledge stored deep within random crevices of your head. Your brain always had a good memory, and today was no exception. 

Forget it.

You could probably liven up a lifeless desert with your endless tears that stained Hina’s pillows that night. It would be life or death to retire properly to your own home, not with the atrocity that was this afternoon still thriving in your wake. One more bottled emotion, and your body would simply burst out of existence. You could only properly pinpoint three of them; exhaustion welling up in your feet, confusion tearing through your brain, and guilt overflowing in your heart. 

“What am I gonna do?” you weep through the flesh of Hina’s teddy bear. After tossing the empty pop can into her makeshift trash can, Hina plopped onto her bed beside you, drilling a finger straight into her temple. “You need to tell him how you feel, y/n, you can’t just leave him in the dark like that. That’s probably why he got so riled up.”

Your eyes shake as they stay on the ground. Hina shuffles around arms crossing in a full interrogation. “You do know what you want, right?”

Slowly, and without much thought pulling at your strings, you slowly nod. “Well then, what is it?” 

An image of your roommate shines into your head once again. The kind roommate you had the great luxury of coming home to, the one always saving you a slice of frozen pizza for when you arrive, the one who reaches the irritating dishes at the top of the cupboard, the one you couldn't get out of your mind. His heartwarming demeanour, his charming smile, his everything. You can’t lie to yourself anymore. With a twinge of determination, you lock eyes with Hina.

“I want it all to be real. I wanna be with Jaemin.”

Hina rested her back onto the plump mattress, a smug grin lining her lips as she crossed her arms in pride. “So you’re finally gonna start listening to me, hm?”

...

“Are you sure about this, Jaem?” Yangyang has never一in Jaemin’s two years of knowing him一sounded so concerned for his friend’s wellbeing. It sent shivers down his spine, how pitiful Jaemin must’ve looked right now. His fingers grasped the horrendous stack of papers; one wrong move could easily decorate the floor with the homework, and Jaemin was...concerned, to say the least.

“Why are we even doing this? You won the bet!” Donghyuck hugged his own stack close to his chest as the three boys watched Jaemin’s head sink low to the floor, and watched his heart sink even lower. “Yeah, about that...”

Even if the truth hurts, it needs to be said, right?

“...Y/n wasn’t my date at the restaurant. I never asked anyone out, actually. The truth is… she’s my roommate. I only asked her out on a fake date so I could keep the bet going.”

Jaemin felt the confused, yet somber stares of Jeno burn through his skin. It only made sense that Jeno had a few questions; Na Jaemin’s beaten up, hunched over figure was nothing like the lovestruck, head-over-heels Jaemin he’d witnessed just a couple of days prior. “But it didn’t work out that well with her, so here I am, ready for the punishment.” 

It struck Jaemin’s chest more times that could count, slashing at his heart, his pride, everything he loved. How could he be so foolish? Convincing himself his simple crush could ever reciprocate his feelings. Could ever love him back. Nevertheless, it was more clear now than ever before. To you, he would always just have one label; a simple roommate. 

“Jaemin-” Donghyuck reluctantly brushed his palm on Jaemin’s shoulder, his best excuse for a peace offering. Jaemin, however, finally snapped, shooting a glare through the eyes of his rather persistent friends. 

“What? You were right, okay? I can’t get any girl I want. I really am just a coward, so I deserve this!” Jaemin slumped his figure一drenched in a sorrow he’s gotten quite familiar with, as of late一into a cheap, cafeteria chair, his heart leaping through his throat. 

“She was the only one I wanted, anyway, so what’s the point?” 

“I think you got a few things wrong there, buddy.” A familiar voice rang through Jaemin’s ears. The whites of his eyes spilled out of their sockets as Jaemin shot up. You couldn’t blame him, though. The last thing he expected to see was his childhood classmate, Huang Renjun, before him. “You still have a chance with y/n, Jaemin.”

Jaemin sent a rough hiss at Renjun before slowly backing down at Renjun’s unnaturally calm demeanour. “What?”

“I’m not after her anymore, nor is she after me.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows wrinkled. “Then why-”

“It was an accident, we didn’t mean to meet up like that. And that talk at the cafe? It was all for closure. It was something she and I both needed, a lot, if I might add.” 

“So… you weren’t trying to get her back?”

Renjun squinted at the utter dumbassary currently blinding him at the moment. “No, are you stupid? I have a girlfriend. And besides, when she first saw you barge into the cafe, her flustered reaction tells me she feels the same way, so I wouldn’t worry too much.” 

Heat rushed over to Jaemin’s cheeks, the cause being a 50-50 blend of pure embarrassment一from letting his jealous heart take over his mind一and the simple, but beautiful thought of you. Everything started to fall back in their rightful places. His head was finally cleared, his anger had finally wisped away. And more importantly, you were moment’s away from being his. Moments away from retiring the ‘roommate’ label. 

Donghyuck leaped from his seat. A directing hand pointed towards the dance department wing as Donghyuck shifted into his ‘fight or flight’ stance, riling up with energy. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CONFESS!!”  

Without any further hesitation, Jaemin shot from his seat, his eyes etched with determination, and his heart moments away from bursting through his chest. Donghyuck let out a defeated sigh, arms crossing in disappointment. “God, I can’t believe the campus playboy is such a wuss!” 

...

Your easily distracted mind had made it maddeningly clear; no song, no matter what the tempo or melody, could take your mind off of your one and only roommate, Na Jaemin. It also didn’t matter that you spent a whopping one night without his bedroom just across the hall from yours; as your heart was still drenched in the guilt you couldn’t seem to get rid of. However, one thing was made clear that night. Your heart purely and utterly belonged to Na Jaemin alone. Only one thing stayed in your way; he may more may not hate your guts now. 

Your palms dripped in a cold sweat as your limbs begrudgingly swam in the air. It was bad enough your dance instructor gave not one, but two lectures about getting distracted to blow your ears dry, but even after that public display of embarrassment, your head couldn’t stop recounting the different ways you could finally tell Na Jaemin the truth; the whole truth. 

I want the real thing with you

I don’t just want something fake, Jaemin

I wanna be with you

That last statement threw your cheeks into a heated, rosy frenzy. You cup your hands attempting to hide your horrid thoughts as your dance instructor, with a few deadpan words, sets your class free for the evening. You scurry to the corner, peacefully shoving your things into your bag when Shotaro’s voice suddenly rings behind your ear. 

“Y/n? Oh yeah, she’s right over there.” 

“Great, thanks.” 

  You freeze on the spot. You could recognize that voice from a mile away. It was almost concerning on your part. 

“Y/n!” The voice yelps, in a tone you hadn’t heard in a while. You smile under your breath. You missed his cheerful voice. You slowly prop up, dropping your bag to the depths of the dance room floor. You pivot on your heel, your chest coming face to face with none other than Na Jaemin, in the flesh. “I need to tell you something.” 

After scrambling out of the dance room, certainly not attracting the attention of any unwanted instructors, the two of you hide behind the studio entrance. Jaemin stood just centimeters before you, his breath shivering despite the warmer weather. Although, and you wouldn’t be surprised, but this warm sensation could simply be deriving from your cheeks, which was nothing new. 

“I’m sorry I lashed out at you yesterday, I never wanted to be mean to you or anything, I was just… heated, yeah.” Jaemin finally began, scratching the nape of his neck. You didn’t like the fact that he was the one apologizing to you, when you knew it should’ve been the other way around. “You don’t need to say sorry, Jaem. I lashed out too and-”

“I was being all selfish, when I really should’ve been thinking clearly. I-I was jealous when I saw you two together, and I couldn’t take it.” 

You stopped dead in your tracks. Jealous? He was jealous?

“Truth is… I’ve liked you for some time now, probably ever since we first met. And while the fake date was really fake…” His eyes finally lock yours up, keeping them hostage in his determined glare. “...I really wanted something real between us.” 

Jaemin’s hand reached down, cupping your nimble fingers in it as he kept his eye contact tight. His breath hitched as he eyed you, all flustered and adorable with your eyebrows furrowed in a hopeful confusion. Everything about you made him want to cradle you in his arms, never letting go, forever. 

“Can I be more than just your roommate, y/n?” 

You stayed frozen, mouth gaping wide open at every confession he threw at you. You stayed so still, the only thing visibly moving on your body was the rapid blush zooming through your ears and cheeks, except this time, you didn’t feel the sudden urge to hide such a sensation. Your mind didn’t carry the necessary brian capacity properly function, so naturally, your arms did the job for you. 

Your palms cupped the edges of Jaemin’s jaw, a sudden confidence surging through you as you pulled him closer. The tips of your noses collide moments before the surfaces of your lips. You melt into a passion filled kiss, a kiss that’s been pending since the day you first moved in together. Jaemin hugs the small of your waist as you hug his neck. Instinctively, your stomach tucks itself, hiding the embarrassing butterflies fluttering within it. You felt like a celebrity, kissing the campus’ pretty boy; Na Jaemin. Your eyes flicker open. 

“Of course you can.”

Your’s and Jaemin’s world crashes back into reality at the sound of a pestering holler, one which Jaemin could only sigh in grief to in response. You turn around only to find a snooping crowd right behind you. Shotaro, joined with two of Jaemin’s friends you first met at the restaurant; Yangyang and Donghyuck, jump for joy at the sight of you two, while a distressed Hina rips her hair out at the fact that she missed the most world shattering confession scene known to man. Jeno, to the right of her, calms her down in a heartbeat. Those two were really perfect for each other. You turn back to Jaemin, a wide grin now taking over his face. He tightens the grip around your hand, a hand that you noticed he’s never let go since he first arrived at your department. 

“Do you have another class after this?” “No, why?”

A sly smirk lines his lips as he raises an eyebrow. “Then, shall we go home, darling?” 

Gosh, he was such a dork. “Of course.” 

…

The long awaited kiss between Hina and Jeno was much more dramatic than any first kiss you could’ve imagined. In fact, it was practically ripped right out the current episode of the drama you and Jaemin had settled down to watch. The air was filled with cheerful hollers roaring from Yangyang and Shotaro and the pathetic wails of Donghyuck realizing that一with Shotaro’s crush on the new girl on campus and the random girl Yangyang met online一he would be the last one standing in the terribly single committeeTM. Jaemin grumbled beside you, his head tucked under your chin as you sat cradled in his arms

“Jeez, Jeno’s stealing my thunder!”

“Let them live, Jaem. They’re in love.” 

Jaemin huffed with over exaggeration. “I can’t believe Jeno would betray me like that!”

You pulled Jaemin’s chin up, his face now inches from yours. “Why don’t you forget about them, alright? Just focus on me instead.”

The two of you lean into a kiss, basking in the afternoon sunlight that was peeking through the campus roof. It didn’t matter who was around you anymore, whether they were random strangers or your annoying yet close knit friends. You had already won at life, being the girlfriend of the infamous Na Jaemin; your very special roommate.

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 7: An oxidising world of a dream (Part 5)

Warnings: angst

Author notes: yes, I do consider that this part is heartbreaking enough to put angst as a warning... Do tell me if you think otherwise! (or another smart way to ask for feedback...)

I waited behind the door of the familiar infirmary, my arms crossed and my look focused onto the carpet beneath my feet. I had been ordered to stay there until Dazai came out, while he had sent men and Akutagawa to the art museum of Yokohama for a mission. If at first I had wondered if he was punishing me for my previous failure during the casino mission, I had soon realised that this raid to the museum was pointless, and clearly a trap Mimic had set for us. However, the squadron had been getting impatient, lately, and their desire to fight overcame any trace of reason their consciousness held. The most stupid of all had to be the "dog". He exposed himself to danger without further questioning, only to prove our superior he was worth his praises. He could not understand that the executive did not expect such things from him... And he would never listen to my advice.

"Odasaku is awake." The door opened behind me.

"It is good." I cracked a discreet smile "Do you need me to do anything?"

"Come in, and try to convince him." Dazai sighed "He wants to go and save Akutagawa..."

"Akutagawa...?" I narrowed my eyes, following him inside the infirmary "Well, he is an asset for the Mafia, after all... And you will not pretend you are ready to toss his power aside, will you?"

"So you agree, Ogawa?" Oda asked me upon seeing me.

"I am glad to see you are better, Oda." I smiled "And I do agree that helping Akutagawa out would be better. However... I could go myself. You have just woken up and many things occurred. You need to rest."

"Resting..." He hummed "I don't need it. I feel as though I owe someone, so I can't stay there doing nothing."

"Owing..." Dazai sighed "The one you owe doesn't even remember what he'd lent you..."

"But I do." He shrugged "Besides, it is absolutely out of question that you go, Ogawa."

"I have not been ordered not to go." I defended.

"Dazai, order her."

"Why would he...?" I frowned "I can —"

"A consequent amount of shops and warehouses of the Port Mafia has been bombed while Odasaku was asleep." My superior cut me "And you took care of every single case without my assistance. You too, need to rest."

"You'd rather send your sick friend off than your lieutenant...?" I argued, holding onto Oda's sleeve so he would not leave "I am your subordinate, I appreciate that you care about my safety but... It is my duty. Oda needs to rest, he was poisoned heavily and no matter how strong he is, he is still weakened from the —"

The executive grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer to him, until my forehead rested onto his shoulder. The effects of No Longer Human were immediate; the thoughts of my surroundings faded away, and my eyelids felt heavy with the need to sleep.

"You can't..." I protested, trying to pull away but finding myself too weak to do so "You can't..."

"You haven't slept, the other night... I order you to rest now..." He said, rather softly.

"But your friend... He... Will..."

"Odasaku will be alright." He reassured me "I trust him, I know he will not put himself in danger."

I heard footsteps getting away and deduced the man had left. He had resolved himself to let Oda go... Fatigue took over and my knees buckled under my weight, brusquely. His arms wrapped around my waist to support me and my hands gripped onto Dazai's coat as I fought not to fall asleep just yet, but I could not deny my body needed to doze off, for at least a few hours. I hated being so useless...

"I... Am of no use to you..." I murmured, my voice muffled by his coat.

"Being exhausted makes you say idiotic things." He retorted, suddenly picking me up to lay me down on the bed "Why are you still trying not to fall asleep...?"

"I heard you... Praising Akutagawa..." I refused to let go of him "Even if he is dumb... He has power... Everyone... Around you is so strong... And I..."

"Stop saying things you know I have never thought about, Ogawa... Comparing you with Akutagawa is impossible, comparing you with Odasaku is unbelievable as well." Dazai stated.

"... Am I an incompetent...?"

"The one who said that must be blind."

"Akutagawa has a good sight..." I closed my eyes, but opened them before surrendering to sleep "I am... Incompetent... Unsuited to be by your side... I don't want to sleep and be useless..."

His hand landed onto my forehead, pushing my bangs away from my eyes and making contact with my skin.

"Being useless is the last thing I think about you..." He assured me "I'd appreciate it if you had some sleep before going back to work."

"I'll leave you alone..."

"I'll bring you to the office as soon as you close your eyes, then. I swear, so now, do not torment your mind with such thoughts anymore and only think about resting well, to assist me afterwards." He cracked a smile, clumsily running his hand across my head.

"Alright, then... If it is not a bother..." My eyelids fell and my body went numb.

"... How could that ever be a bother...?"

Dazai had gone out with Oda. The two had some business to take care about, and my superior had insisted for me not to go. After the incident at the art museum, Akutagawa had come back safely, as well as Oda, and the matter was settled within hours. I leaned my head onto the bay of the executive's office. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon for a moment now, leaving only the darkness and a few stars to light it up. I noticed it was a night without a moon, and did not like it. When the world was too immersed in shadows, nothing good would ever occur. I feared this night was ominous.

"Come back safe, Dazai..." I whispered, looking away from the lights of the town.

Humankind had always hated complete darkness. Electricity had allowed us to tame the night and its fictional monsters so we could prolong our day as much as possible. But whether it was under the sun or a neon light, we could never run away from our own shadows, and I liked to think the evilness laying still within us was the origin of our tales about the night. The true monsters often — not to say always — had a human face.

Slowly, I walked across the office to take my coat before exiting it, without forgetting to close the door behind me. It felt so lonely, being away from his side... Everything seemed completely worthless if Dazai was nowhere around me, as if the reason I could live had been taken away from me. In a way, I was aware of the dangerous truth; I depended on my superior as much as I was addicted to morphine, perhaps even more, and I could not imagine once that we could be apart. He had given me a reason to be in this world which had casted me away mercilessly, and striving to stay alive was a feeling I had just started to embrace. I could go as far as stating it was a glimpse of happiness I was experiencing... I wanted to cling onto it with my whole being, sometimes forgetting that nothing was more ephemeral than human joy. There was nothing which would not be lost... And I did not remember.

"Ogawa-kun...!"

I turned around upon hearing a voice calling my name. The second in command, Yamada-san... After how badly he had tried to take advantage of me, we had rarely interacted with each other. In front of Dazai, he acted friendly, but I knew he wanted to be ridden of me after I had humiliated him, the day I had killed my parents.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, poised.

"Actually..." He sighed "I have a pile of paperwork awaiting me, but... Today is my wife's and my anniversary so I did not want to go back late..."

"You are married...!" I exclaimed, astonished.

"I never wear my ring when in the headquarters... Not to trouble her, right? But I am. We even have the most adorable son." He smiled "I met her after that incident... I still can't apologise enough for that day."

"It is too late, now. But I can overlook it, for once."

For the first time, I felt sympathy toward this man I would usually be annoyed about.

"I'll take care of it for you." I smiled back "Please have fun."

"I'll make sure to." He nodded excitedly "Thanks a bunch, Ogawa-kun!"

A bunch...? Well... I watched his back walking away a moment before going into his office. The pile of paperwork was, indeed, a pile, threatening to wither and crash onto the ground at any moment, and I sighed heavily, bringing the documents to Dazai's office where I felt more comfortable. I had been supposed to wait for his return; he would kill me when he would discover I was working overtime... Oh, well... It had been a moment I had not had a warm cup of coffee, anyway.

It was well-past midnight when the door of the office opened. The headquarters were most likely empty, except for the Boss and a few guards doing their night shift. On this floor, this room was the only one where the light was still on. I smiled at my superior, who visibly did not expect seeing me there, and took a sip of my fifth cup of coffee.

"Welcome back, Dazai." I stood up to take his coat off of his shoulders.

"Ogawa...? No wonder you were not at your place..."

He had stopped by, thinking I was waiting for him...? I almost regretted stubbornly staying there to help the second in command out...

"Forgive me for not telling you beforehand..." I apologised "There was still work to do..."

"This is not your job." He stated, taking a look at the papers.

"He..." I paused, thinking I could not reveal the truth about the marriage "... Had important things to take care of."

"Important enough for you to comply?" Dazai raised his two eyebrows "He surely lied to you to leave and have a drink with his friends."

"... Is that so...? My, I'm so stupid..." I did not want to argue and attempted to avoid the subject "Thinking I could have easily read his thoughts..."

"Whatever you are hiding, I'm not going to ask about it if you don't want to talk about it..." He sighed, resigned, and let himself fall onto a couch "To think you'd help him after what he has done to you... That disgusting jerk..."

I was dumb to think he would not find out I was lying...

"You seem especially exhausted, tonight." I noted, taking a seat in front of him "What happened...?"

"Nothing." He dodged the matter "Do you still have a lot to do?"

"There isn't much left..." I told him "I'll hurry so you can cancel my ability and have some sleep yourself."

"Please, do so..." He grumbled lowly.

I sat back at his desk and started reading the different reports. Dazai was not usually so grumpy and tired. Definitely, something was wrong about him, but I knew better than asking him directly. If only I could read his thoughts... I would have been able to tell what bothered him.

Minutes after, his breathing was regular, and I looked up at him, only to see he was gone in deep slumber. Soundlessly, I took his coat from the hanger and draped it over his body to protect him from the cold. Summer had installed itself in Japan, but the nights were still chilly, especially in an office freshened up by air conditioning. Many people had a peaceful face when sleeping, but he... He did not look appeased at all. On the contrary, it appeared sleeping brought his own monsters to the surface of his consciousness and tormented him... I decided not to do anything, judging he, no matter what, did need a good night of rest too. And if nightmares disturbed him, I would act accordingly to the situation. He had often made sure I was sleeping correctly before leaving — I could have felt it — so it was my turn to protect his rest.

I stared at him, leaning my chin onto the back of my hand. He had not budged at all and my paperwork had long been over. I did not believe Dazai could sleep so well; he was more the type to suffer from insomnia. I often wondered, when waking up, what he had been up to during the night. After granting me sleep, did he go back to his impersonal apartment? Or did he wander around Yokohama to have a few drinks? Did he bring women back to his place? The thought coated my cheeks in red and I quickly banned it from my mind. Whatever he did, I was certain he did not get much sleep. I shut off the lights, only to turn on the small lamp on the desk. The sieved light was more relaxing than the main one, and it bathed the room in a comfortable atmosphere. While my superior was soundly asleep, I took a random book from the shelf and started reading it. How to prevent accidental casualties. So this book did exist and he had truly read it. He had not lied, the other day... I felt bad for doubting him, but one had to admit discerning between his acts and his true words was a challenge. When was he serious and when was he playing around? Oda easily understood the shifts in the mood, but I... No, I could not think about his friend anymore. I always ended up frustrated when looking up to this amazing person. I had embarrassingly ranted about my uselessness again, earlier, I could not afford to ridicule myself anymore. I did not want him to look at me like a pitiful thing...

Suddenly, the coat fell from Dazai and landed onto the floor with a muffled noise. I put the book aside to readjust it over his body, but, as I did so, he forcefully grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him. His one eye was wide opened onto me.

"D-Dazai, you are going to cancel my ability..." I broke the silence, trying to free myself from his grip.

"... Isn't that what I am supposed to do...?" He asked, rather tiredly.

"You fell asleep, I was not going to take advantage of your ability while you were defenceless..." I said "Well, that's what I thought, but you are actually always vigilant about your surroundings..."

"Obviously..." He let me go to rub his face "How long have I been sleeping?"

"Two to three hours, roughly. You should close your eyes again; you were resting so well..."

"What about you? Are you done?"

"I am, don't worry..."

"Then, let's —"

I gently pushed him back to the couch and put his coat back onto him with a slight smile.

"I had some sleep in the afternoon... It's your turn, Dazai..." I declared.

"But your ability... Won't it be a bother?"

"I'll be fine, just think about yourself... Please rest. There are people counting on you to lead them tomorrow..." I told him.

His expression was unreadable, but he adjusted his position so he would be laying on the couch instead of sleeping in a sitting position. His fingers held onto his coat and brought it around his upper body, as though he felt cold, and his eyes closed.

"Goodnight..." I whispered.

"I saw Ango, tonight. We went to the bar." He interrupted my moves.

"Dazai, you should —"

"He was an undercover agent for the government, you know...? And a spy in Mimic for the Port Mafia too..." He chuckled, a bit bitterly "He betrayed us... He betrayed me..."

"I'm sorry..." I had no clue what to say "The three of you were so close as friends..."

"... Come there a bit..." He demanded.

I decided to sit down on the edge of the couch.

"I lost him..." He finally muttered, his voice muffled by the heavy black cloth "I lost Ango... I lost our friendship... I said I was prepared to lose everything I once owned... But I'm not... His loss left a hole somewhere in me... I don't know how to fill it... Am I not pathetic, showing you such a sight...?"

"Not at all..." I hesitatingly patted his shoulder "If anything, I am glad that you could tell me such a thing..."

"You are there... Odasaku is still there too, but for some reasons, I feel so lonely..." He confessed.

What could I do or say to soothe his pain? I did not know... I did not want to pretend I understood the gap he experienced, nor could I come up with classic lines; Dazai did not need them. Dazai did not want me to say "don't worry."

"... I'll always be there..." I reminded him.

But I was not enough.

[perspective-series]

Injured Perspective (3/12)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Sickness

First Chapter || Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

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 A lot of thoughts swirled around Virgil’s head as he headed towards Logan’s place. He needed his friend to help him sort this all out. Not that he was going to tell Logan about Roman. Not yet, at least. Not until Virgil made his decision of whether or not to go back. Still though, it would be nice to have a chat with his logical friend. Even if they weren’t talking about the subject matter, being near Logan helped him think more calmly.

 As he entered Logan’s area, he called out. “Logan? You here?”

“Hmm?” Logan looked up from his spot at the dining table, fashioned from an old human spectacles case. “Oh, hello Virgil. What brings you to the lower apartments?”

 “Just thought I’d visit.” Virgil said with a shrug. He fidgeted with the end of poncho a little bit before forcing himself to still. “Whatcha up to?”

“Not much.” Logan said, adjusting his glasses and letting out a yawn. “I meant to go borrowing earlier, but my energy levels have been less than ideal.”

 Virgil gave him a raised eyebrow as he sat down on a spool of thread. “Did you get enough sleep last night?” Virgil asked with concern.

“I had trouble sleeping.” Logan admitted. “It has just been unusually warm in here lately, even for mid-June.”

 “Really? I’ve felt fine though.” Virgil hummed. “You sure you’re okay? Do you need me to borrow anything for you?”

“I think I’ll be alright.” Logan assured him, rubbing at his nose. “I have a few preserves. My head feels a bit cloudy, but that’s likely from the lack of sleep and not consuming enough water.”

 “Well, just don’t...overwork yourself. I know you tend to do that.” Against Virgil’s wishes. Virgil was worried but he trusted Logan when he said he was alright. So, he let the subject drop for now.

 “So, apparently the human on the fifth floor came back tonight. Broke his leg. Won’t be leaving the bed for the next couple of days.” Virgil relayed the information.

“That seems fortunate.” Logan observed, sniffling slightly as he said so. “Borrowing will certainly be easier for you.”

 “Yeah, true.” Virgil frowned. “It’s just kind of weird to see. A human practically trapped in his own bed. Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

“You’ve observed him already?” Logan tilted his head. “Were you seen?”

 “Of course not.” Virgil lied, feeling guilty but pushing those feelings away. “I was going to grab one last thing but ended up watching the human for a bit instead.” He shrugged.

“Hmm.” Logan swayed slightly in his seat, the dots not quite connecting in his mind. “That’s...odd.”

 “What? Why?” Don’t tell him Logan was catching on.

“I don’t know, it just...doesn’t make sense.” Logan groaned, leaning forwards and resting his forehead in his palms. “Are you sure you don’t feel hot? My skin feels as though it might burn any moment.”

 Virgil blinked and looked at Logan with even more worry. “That isn’t good. Dude, I think you might be sick.” That was never good. Being a borrower, you barely got sick but if or when you did? It was never good.

“What?” Logan’s voice sounded a bit raspy now, and as he paid attention now his throat felt like it was made of sandpaper. “I’m not sick.”

 “Oh, this isn’t good.” Virgil started to pace in worry, completely ignoring Logan’s denial. “This isn’t good, we-we need to find you medicine or something.”

“Virgil, I will be fine.” Logan, despite his words, didn’t stop clutching his head. “I just need to rest and get plenty of fluids. My body will heal on its own.”

 “A-Are you sure? Because I can go borrow something.” Virgil offered. He didn’t know what to get but he’d figure it out.

Logan shook his head, vaguely noting how the room shook as he did so. Did it always do that?

“I’ll be alright.” Logan slowly stood to his feet. “I’ll head to bed right now if it will ease you.” Frankly, the idea of bed was sounding rather appealing.

 “You better.” Virgil bit his lip. “I’ll let you rest but I’m coming back later to check up on you. So you better actually be resting.” 

Logan felt a shiver overcome him for a brief second. “I am certain I shall be asleep. Upon further evaluation I feel...quite exhausted.”

 “Okay…” Virgil looked at Logan. “Do you need help getting into bed?”

“Perhaps.” Logan stood in the middle of his living quarters, staring blankly at the wall. “Am I not moving?”

 “Oh geez.” Virgil went over to Logan, helping him and slowly moving him over to his mesh of blankets. He carefully set him down in them. “There we go, easy does it.”

Logan mumbled out something resembling a thank-you, his eyelids already drooping as he was guided into bed.

 “Get some rest L. I’ll be back later.” Virgil turned and left, walking through the walls once again. He sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. Logan getting sick wasn’t good. They weren’t prepared for this. Borrowers didn’t get sick, humans did.

 ...Wait. Humans got sick.

 And he happened to know a human.

 Virgil frowned. He couldn’t believe he was considering it but...if it meant Logan getting better then Virgil would have to take the chance. Of course, he’d also have to be careful. He still didn’t want to reveal Logan to Roman, after all.

 But he could...probably do this. 

 With a sigh, Virgil started on his way back up to the fifth floor apartment.

------------------------------------------

 Virgil found himself back on the dresser the next night. He would have been here sooner but...well, he had still been debating with himself if this was even a good idea or not. He still wasn’t sure but if it meant helping Logan then he was willing to give it a try. At least he knew Roman still couldn’t get to him. That was another reason why he waited. He wanted to make sure the other human, Patton, wouldn’t walk in on them. 

 He looked at Roman but he couldn’t tell if the human was actually sleeping or not. Not after the last two times. So, after a lot of hesitation, and inner thoughts of how he couldn’t believe he was actually doing this, he called out the the human. “R-Roman?” His voice was still quiet, wanting to test first to see if Roman was awake already.

“Virgil?” Roman’s own voice was sleepy, but at the quiet sound his eyes had shot open. Roman had almost fallen asleep waiting for Virgil to come. Roman smiled, waking up as he stared at the tiny person from across the room. “I was beginning to doubt you’d make an appearance tonight.”

 “Yeah, well...I figured it, uh, couldn’t hurt.” He lied, knowing it very much could. He wanted to ask his questions and be done with it already but he knew he had to ease into this, lest Roman get suspicious.

“I’m glad.” Roman slowly sat up. “It’s good to see you again.”

 “I’d say the same but...then I’d be lying.” Virgil spoke with a shrug and a slight smirk. 

Roman’s face furrowed in confusion. “So, if you’re not here for my beautiful complexion, why are you back?”

 “Well, someone practically begged me to come back, so I figured I would give you the pleasure to see me again.” Virgil shrugged. He still couldn’t believe he was teasing this human but it was kind of...nice. Fun, even.

“If you say so.” Roman chuckled. Frankly it didn’t really matter why Virgil came back; all that mattered was that he came back at all.

 “So…” Virgil was unsure how to bring this up without screaming, hey, my friend is sick how do I help him? “Leg still...broken?” He winced at his own words.

Roman gave him a weird look. “Ah, yes, my leg is certainly still broken. Spent all day in bed lamenting about it. What did you do today, Virgil?”

 Virgil shrugged. “I went on a walk.” And worried a lot, about Logan and about this conversation but he didn’t feel the need to mention that. “Nothing much. My life is pretty boring.”

 “Well I’m sure it’s more exciting than you let on.” Roman insisted. “Besides, even if that’s all you did, your life would still be more exciting than mine right now.” Well, that wasn’t entirely true; Roman’s life had become pretty exciting with the discovery of a tiny person, but in this instance Roman didn’t think that counted.

 “Maybe.” Virgil said with a slight hum. “So, this whole, you stuck in bed thing had me curious about other reasons why you would be stuck in bed. Like, when you guys are...sick? Sick, right?” Virgil said, hoping his mask of not knowing was sickness was was believable.

“What do you mean?” Roman tilted his head. “Are you asking if humans get bedridden from illness as well? Occasionally yes, but it depends on the severity and the affliction.”

 “Oh, well, I meant more just being sick in...general? I don’t get sick, so I don’t know what happens.” Virgil continued to lie. 

“You don’t get sick?” Roman huffed in jealousy. “You’re very fortunate, then. I know for myself even the common cold will just take me out. Patton has to take care of me, he’s such a lamb. Makes me soup and everything.”

 “Soup? What’s that? Does it fix your sickness?” If it did, he’s have to figure out a way to get his hands on some.

“No, not exactly.” Roman admitted. “It just helps the process along because your body needs energy to fight off the sickness and that’s one of the easiest foods to stomach. Not to mention the warmth is so soothing, ugh when I get sick I get the worst bouts of shivering and fevers combined. It’s miserable.”

 “So...being warm helps you get better?” Virgil asked, still trying very with this whole charade but also wanting to get as much information as possible.

“I’m not sure, actually.” Roman rested his chin on his palm. “I know you bundle under blankets when you’re sick and drink soup, but I don’t know if that actually helps you get better or just helps you feel better in the current moment. Maybe a bit of both.”

 “Oh, well...what does help you get better then? That you know for sure.” He hoped he was still conveying  curiosity and not desperation or anything of the like. 

“Medicine usually.” Roman thought about it. “Sometimes Antibiotics. Then of course you have to get plenty of rest, drink many fluids, eat food, that sort of stuff. Just generally take care of yourself so your body can take care of the virus. At least that’s what Patton says…” Roman’s gaze suddenly narrowed. “...unless he’s just trying to trick me into taking care of myself.”

 “Okay…” The simply taking care of yourself part was fairly easy. Virgil would just have to borrow food and water for Logan but the medicine… “Where can I find medicine?” He asked, not yet realizing how that might give him away.

Roman looked at him for a moment. “I thought you said you didn’t get sick.”

 Virgil blinked. Crap. “I-I don’t. I’m just...curious.” Welp, he messed everything up. Good going Virgil.

“Virgil, do you need medicine?” Roman gave Virgil a worried look. Virgil certainly didn’t look sick, but he could be hiding it. Or perhaps he needed it for somebody else instead. “If you do, all you needed to do was ask. I would happily supply you with some.”

 That sounded...great, actually. But Virgil was still caught up in not letting Roman know he was lying. “I don’t need medicine. I told you, borrowers don’t get sick.”

“Alright, if you’re sure.” Roman certainly didn’t want to push the issue further, hoping that Virgil would just come to him if he ever did have a need. Instead, his immediate attention was diverted elsewhere. “...Virgil, can I ask you something?”

 Virgil tensed. “Wh-What?”

“What’s a borrower?”

 There was beat of silence as Virgil processed what Roman had asked before his eyes went wide. It was in that moment he realized how much he had messed up. “N-Nothing! I didn’t say that, I...I uh…” Virgil racked his brain for an excuse but none came to him.

“You seem to be keeping a lot of secrets…” Roman murmured, not entirely aware he spoke out loud.

 “No I’m-” Virgil cut himself off, realizing it was useless. So instead, he glared at the human. “Okay, so maybe I am! So what? I’m keeping them for my own safety!”

 Virgil sighed, running a hand down his face. “This was a mistake.” Virgil turned to leave.

“Wait!” Roman said hurriedly, sitting up straighter. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you Virgil. I won’t ask any more questions.”

 Virgil paused. Ugh, he really should just leave. But...the medicine… “Can someone get better without taking medicine?” Virgil asked, still facing away from Roman.

“...it depends on how sick they are.” Roman’s voice was filled with concern. “Virgil, please just let me help you!”

 “I don’t need help from a human!” Virgil yelled at him and with that, he left before he could reveal anything else.

“Virgil, wait!” Roman cried out, wishing he was healed so he could rush over to the dresser. “I- I know you don’t, but- I- come back!”

Of course, as Roman rambled on and on, none of it mattered, because Virgil was gone.

[chronopunk]

Short Fiction - The Face Of God

"Have you ever really thought about the face of God, Captain?"

Doctor Merrill leaned forward in his chair, cradling the steaming cup in his hands, looking at it for a long moment. His eyes seemed to lose their focus briefly, as though he were gazing at something far away, before squeezing shut, only to flash back open, fixed on Captain Hernandez' own eyes. Merrill held the stare for what seemed like an eternity, then relaxed, his shoulders slumping as he let the soft cushions of the chair enfold him. The cup, still held tightly in both hands, drifted up to his lips as he sipped at the coffee twice before resting its warmth upon his lap.

"Can't say that I have," Hernandez said softly. She'd been woken from her sleep by Merrill insisting on speaking to her. Three days on her ship without a word, and now here they were, alone in the narrow space that served as the ship's common mess, drinking coffee — real coffee, brought on board by Merrill when he'd transferred off of Midday Splendor for his trip back to Central on Earth — while he, finally, decided to open up about... whatever it was he needed to talk about.

"Your family's Catholic," he asked. "Yes?"

Hernandez nodded. "Essentially. I suppose depending on who you ask, God's an old man, a young man, an infant, or something in between."

"What do you think?" Merrill's question was pointed, something hiding just underneath the words.

"I..." Hernandez paused. "Honestly, the Church never spoke to me. I think that's why I'm out here. I think maybe God's too big to live on one planet, and only have one form. Kind of Spacelane Cliche, I know but..."

Merrill shook his head. "No, no, you're fine. Don't cheapen your lack of rigidity. You're closer than you know."

Hernandez sipped from her cup, letting the dark, rich flavors swirl around in her mouth before swallowing. "Oh? How's that?"

Merrill glanced back over his shoulder, checking yet again to make sure they were alone in the room.

"I've seen them."

"'Them'?"

"The Engineers."

Hernandez' eyes widened, then narrowed. "Are you sure?"

Merrill sat the coffee down on the table, then withdrew his hands. They shook, not in fear or shame, but in excitement, as he pulled them back against his body. He held them, one inside the other, tightly against his belly, lips moving quietly in a practiced countdown. Hernandez knew the drill, she'd seen it prescribed enough times by ship's psychiatrists to help crewmen with anxiety, especially after their first EVA or deep-space recon. Prescribed it herself, before she'd secured a captaincy and left room for someone else to fill the counselor's office.

Merrill's eyes never opened as he spoke, not so quietly as to be unheard, but still softly enough that Hernandez had to lean in. His words weren't the practiced meter of someone reciting a speech, with inflection and emphasis meant to draw a response from the listener; rather, they carried the sound of a man watching it all happen again, the moment he closed his eyes. She'd seen this in trauma cases, heard that tone before a thousand times.

"We were on a mineral survey," he said. "I'd tell you where, but they made it very clear that I'm not allowed to do that. Not yet. Fifth planet of a nine world system. Seventeen AI's, four biologicals. Myself, Doctors Plenem and Havarsk, and Professor Utumi. Utumi and I were the only Humans on board. Plenem, the Dosili, had this irascible grump at all times. Hated being in cold sleep, but with the ship using a Sling-Drive instead of gates to get where we needed to go, what were we supposed to do? Stay awake for the trip and age out to retirement before we got there? Havarsk is a Galbriki and you know how they do on long, boring voyages. We woke him up last."

"We were four days in to the mission," Merrill sighed. "Doing well, honestly. Ahead of schedule. I was on the night shift with Utumi, going over core analysis when it happened."

"'It'?" Hernandez asked.

"The light. The brightest light I have ever seen. The instruments said nothing was there. Some of the most advanced sensor equipment in the entire fleet, and nothing. The AI's didn't pick it up. They saw nothing. But I saw it. Utumi saw it. Plenem and Havarsk rushed up to the bridge because even dead asleep, THEY saw it."

"It was like space was opening up on itself. The void was gone, and it was... just light. Light, pouring out of a hole in reality. Then it just stopped. It wasn't like a zipper closing or a wound sealing, it just... stopped. The four of us vetoed the AI's, and moved the ship immediately. The light had come from the fourth world. Middle of the habitable zone, but... dead, really. No magnetosphere, no real atmosphere to speak of."

Hernandez drained her coffee, pouring more in to her cup as Merrill paused, holding his own cup up for more. "Any other habitables in the system?"

Merrill shook his head. "No. That's why we were there. You don't mine populated systems. Not if you want to stay out of jail."

Hernandez nodded, quietly, signalling to Merrill to continue.

"There were thousands of them. All shapes and sizes. Nothing that the eye could really settle on, you know? We knew they were there, but they weren't... THERE. The AI's, the instruments, they all continued to say there was nothing happening. But there was. They were moving, all over the planet. Encircling it. I tried to count them, but I couldn't tell you how many there were if I tried. I say 'thousands,' but it could have been millions. It could have been ten. They slipped in and out of my peripheral vision, into the little blind spaces in our retinas that our brains edit out. I knew they were there, but... If you ask me to describe them, I'll give you a different answer every time. Not because I'm lying, but because I honestly remember them differently, every time I try."

"That sounds frustrating," Hernandez said. Merrill laughed.

"It's liberating. But do you want to know what they did?"

He didn't wait for her answer, draining his cup and setting it down on the table before leaning in to whisper range.

"They. Took. The. Planet. Apart," he hissed. "Just... opened it up like it was an orange. Somehow, without any of us realizing, all the little ones had vanished. Or maybe they became the big one. I don't know. But suddenly there was a... ship... a... machine... something. Huge. Bigger than anything I've ever seen. Bigger than the planet. The instruments registered THAT. Gravity well. Massive. Enough to crush us. But it didn't. It just... sat there. And it took the planet apart. Layer by layer, peeling it off in smooth, even segments. Pulled it apart all the way down to the cold, hard core."

"And then... then... holes. In space. Cometary material, or... ice from some far-off cloud, maybe. Trans-uranics from who knows where. Meteors and rocks the size of India. They all just came pouring out of the holes. Some of them smashed into the core. Others drifted, lazily, down to their new homes in the planet's layers, like... well, like chocolate chips or berries in the frosting you put between the layers of a cake. And the instruments got all of this. But they still didn't SEE the SHIP."

"What... what did you do?" Hernandez gasped. Her heart had lodged itself in her throat, and she'd unconsciously begun her own slow countdown, getting her racing pulse under control.

"We watched them. What else could we do? We watched them, and they... made a planet. Remade a planet. I'm not sure. We took shifts, resting when our brains would let us, or taking sleeper shots when they wouldn't. It took them four days. And then they just... put the planet back together. I watched as they sealed off the planet's core. It had been dead. Cold, grey. A lump of metal. Now it was spinning. Violent. Hot. Alive. As they wrapped the layers back around it, it burst its cage, spreading carefully up through the once-dead rock. I watched the rock melt into the magma and begin to course and flow like any proper world's lifeblood should. A myriad of thin, barely-there beams washed over the planet, and suddenly it had tectonic plates. And then we registered a burgeoning magnetosphere. By the end of it all, when the ship just... winked out... it had an atmosphere. Nothing we could call livable, but... there were signs. Traces of organic compounds in the clouds, on the ground. The rains had begun by the time Central called us to inform us that our governments would be sending ships to pick us all up. They put Utumi on a ship to Delta Pavonis, to make sure no one could intercept both the Humans."

"What happened to the AI's?" Hernandez asked. "Are they still out there?"

"Maybe," Merrill shrugged. "They only caught the last half of the miracle. That's not what the folks at Central are after, I suppose."

"That's a hell of a thing to see," Hernandez sighed.

"It is. It makes you understand why there are cults, out there, dedicated to these... legends. To the people who say they've seen them. And why so many of them are Doomsday-types, as well. If The Engineers can create habitable worlds... if they're the real reason why there are so many more livable worlds than any equation can predict... why couldn't they also be the reason for the dead worlds, out there? Why couldn't they give... and take... as they see fit?"

"What do you think, Doctor?"

Merrill gazed on Hernandez briefly, then shook his head. "I'm a scientist. I don't think any other scientist would expend so much effort creating, only to engage in some twisted, Malthusian concept of retributive balance. If you can do the things they can do, there's no reason to be a dick about it by killing a whole world just because you made a new one."

Hernandez chuckled. "Fair enough. So... why talk to me now? Three days of nothing, and then... Now?"

Merrill's eyes shifted, moving erratically around the room, seeming to settle in one corner briefly before shooting to a space just above and behind Hernandez.

"Because I was asked to do so."

Without knowing why, Hernandez glanced over her shoulder, but saw nothing.

"By whom?"

"It's here," Merrill whispered. "It's very small, but if you know where to look, you'll see it. It wants you to listen to what it has to say."