#i am going to go nap now and pray it fixes.me

[raviollies]

I need to vent

Idk if it's just hormones making me have issues or my meds have genuinely started just not being enough but I've been feeling so fucking dogshit the last few days. I just feel like the meds made me not think about the glass where little things that remind me of how much of a pathetic loser I am piled up and today it just overflowed.

I wish I was invited to things. I wish I could go out to places with people. I am so jealous of people on social media that go out to have drinks with their friends or hang out because I just don't have irl friends. I can blame it on the fact that I've moved 6 times, but at what point do I just accept that people or me just don't connect. I have online friends and I treasure them but it doesn't negate that I wish...I had people to go places with. I don't know how to make friends where I am, I try to be friendly and inviting with the coworkers my age which is few but they seem to lose interest in me. I can never hold anyone's attention.

Online I talk to only the same 4 people and that's it, same hurdle. Outside those 4, I can't seem to hold anyone's attention. I try to be welcoming but at a point I think I just have to accept that something about me is just...unwanted.

I always feel like if I don't offer people something then they won't stick around. "If I draw for them" If I "organize this for them" if I "buy this for them". I grovel and beg for others to like me like a circus animal. The concept of being INVITED to something like playing a game feels like a water bottle dangled in front of a parched man in a desert.

So I just try not to think about it , go to work, go home, draw, sleep and repeat.

And so my entire self worth hinges on my work performance and art. I feel worthless if I make mistakes or am behind (through literally no fault of my own) and when my art just...flops. because those things tell me that I'm not good at that either. And if I'm not a good work or a good artist then what's the point. I'm not good at being a person either evidently. Logically I understand that things at work are outside my control or that the value of art isn't determined by stupid little online hearts but that doesn't stop my brain from being unable to connect emotions and logic. I end up crying all the same.

I'm jealous of people who don't care for this. Who can freely post and create art for themselves without waiting for approval like I just did a trick I was taught. Who can do things on their own and aren't crippled by the empty seats beside them. That I didn't get jealous when other people are invited to things wishing I could be too. That could just be happy for others without having that negging feeling of being pathetic.

I often fantasized about getting sick because it would make people pity me and pay attention to me without me needing to grovel like a dog. I feel pathetic begging for scraps of attention from others but if I don't, I get nothing and feel even worse. My choices are to feel like I'm a parasite being annoying and clingy or just staring at a wall in silence with a completely silent phone.

It's just hard to think about the fact that if I died today, my funeral wouldn't even have 5 attendees.