#i am extremely reserved/quiet irl -- borderline mute if there isn't a cute girl begging me to talk to her

[a-god-in-ruins-rises]

let's get a little introspective...

i talked to a cute girl last night (over the phone).

beforehand, i warned her that i am a bit weird. not in a creepy way or anything. i'm just a bit strange in a lot of ways that i can't quite articulate. and i don't think she fully appreciated how serious i was. lmao.

for example, i am very quiet and awkward irl. it might come off as a "shyness" but it's not really. to me shyness implies some kind of anxiety or nervousness. i don't really get nervous. i'm just weird. i'm just very reserved by nature. and i speak very little. and i don't really fully comprehend my own thoughts/feelings in a given moment.

she would ask for my thoughts/feelings about a thing and i wouldn't know what to say. because i was still trying to parse my own feelings. and this has been an issue all my life.

i have some inability to comprehend my own emotions. to me, my emotions feel like a constant mess. a turbulent storm or sea. everything is all jumbled together and pulling me in all sorta of directions. and it takes me a great deal of time and effort to really comprehend how i feel sometimes.

and that's the other thing. part of the reason why i don't talk very much irl is because i am a very deliberate person. i like to think about what i'm going to say before i say it.

also i have been socially isolated (irl) all my life so i don't think i was ever properly "socialized" so to speak so i don't always follow social cues and i have been told that i can have a strange way of speaking sometimes. using more formal words and weird grammar and just jumping from topic to topic. especially when i do get talking.

and when do i get talking? either when i trust you, when you get me drunk, or when you bring up a topic i'm very into. and i'm sure this basically applies to everyone. but i promise it applies to me more by a factor of 10000.

i don't know what accounts for my weirdness. i don't know if i'm autistic or schizophrenic or just deeply traumatized or what. but this is just scratching the surface of one aspect (my speech -- or lack thereof) of my weirdness.