#i am constantly surrounded by straight i feel like i'm withering away

[gouinisme]

im so bored i need to fall in love someone just to pass the time honestly

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Sweet Blasphemy Andy Biersack X Reader

Word Count: 1,467

Warning: Discussion on self harm & depression, religion (God mentioned), swearing, suicidal thoughts

Lyrics Used: Sweet Blasphemy by Black Veil Brides

Scars.

She had an abundance.

Her wrists, her thighs, her hips, her sides.

A scar here, a newer cut there, look around you'll see them everywhere.

Some from a blade, some from shards of glass, some just purely accidents.

Should she cover them? Let them show? This is an answer she truly doesn't know.

She isn't ashamed, but certainly not proud.

Her cuts have now all healed and scars started to fade. 

She's ok.

*********************************************

The grass spreading across the plain

In one year withers, flourishes again

Burned by prairie fire doesn’t go to waste

By a spring wind blowing with new life is graced.

"My love for you is deeper than your cuts, deeper than everything else." He whispered softly pulling her close.

"Y/N?" She heard Andy's voice and looked up. She was about to wipe her tears away when he interrupted her pulling her into a hug. 

Andy grabbed her hand holding it under the table his thumb rubbing softly over the back of her hand. 

She looked straight up into his face and saw something she had never seen before…. acceptance. 

Just as she was about to cry she felt a pair of arms around her pulling her close. Looking up to see Andy's face she couldn't stop her tears from falling. She started sobbing softly and couldn't stop. She usually didn't show her weakness around others but something about him was different. He seemed trustworthy and she had this strange feeling in her stomach. 

"Y/N no matter what anyone says, I am here for you." Andy whispered lightly pulling out of the hug to stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear. 

𝖂𝖊 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖜𝖊 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖌

𝕿𝖍𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖌𝖍 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖌𝖙𝖍 𝖎𝖓 𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖋 𝖜𝖊 𝖇𝖊𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊

𝕾𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖞 𝖈𝖆𝖓 𝖇𝖊

𝕴 𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖘𝖊 𝖒𝖞 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖌

𝕿𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝕴 𝖜𝖔𝖓'𝖙 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖛𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖊

𝕴 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊'𝖘 𝖘𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖂𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖉𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖎𝖘 𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖘𝖊𝖊

𝕿𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖎𝖘 𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖊𝖙 𝖇𝖑𝖆𝖘𝖕𝖍𝖊𝖒𝖞

She slowly shook her head, her beautiful eyes were full of pain and sadness. But not the physical kind, but more the kind of pain that gets caused by words and will never fully heal. This was the exact reason why Andy told himself to protect her at all costs, he was her guardian angel. 

Her Good Samaritan is black-haired, blue-eyed, and drop dead gorgeous, the complete embodiment of her perfect man, but he’s more than what he seems. The strange familiarity in his eyes, his touch. 

Her knight in shining armor had arrived after all. She'd never dreamed her prince charming would turn out to be a guardian angel, but life was full of surprises.

The moment Andy saved her human life for the first time, a moment also drowned by tears and agony. He found it ironic even then that he had been alive for thirty years as a human, he had never felt this peculiar and distinct connection. 

I remember when Andy first saw the cuts along my wrist it wasn't easy trying to explain it honestly. When he asked me why this was the only way I felt I could explain it….

The sting of a cut would push me into reality. It evaporated the numbness I felt inside and helped me feel real and alive. 

It helped me smile and pretend that I was okay. Over time though The more I cut, the more tol­erance I had for it, so I had to cut deeper and more often.

At that point, I had a collection of what I referred to as tools, each tool for a different cut. I had three, five, and single blades. The three and five were mostly for use at home, but the single was my travel blade. It was more discrete because it was small­er, and I could do a quick cut in the bathroom stall. If I were re­ally desperate, I would cut right in class. When you have an ad­diction like cutting, it becomes more than a coping method; it becomes a lifestyle, a skill. Cutting was my skill and I had it down to a science.

Andy's POV…..

It can be hard to understand why someone you love might injure himself or herself on purpose.

Some people turn to this behavior when they have problems or painful feelings and haven't found another way to cope or get relief.

Most of the time, people who cut themselves don't talk about it or let others know they’re doing it. But sometimes they confide in a someone. Sometimes someone might find out in another way.

Y/N looked so sad she didn't realize that the pain seemed obvious but it was way more to my eyes than she even realized.

Though she did her best to not show emotion in front of people once saying it was a sign of weakness. But when she started sobbing there was no way she could control it. It killed me to see her so upset, I pulled her tightly to me hugging her close.

It took a little bit but she started to calm down, "Your heartbeat is soothing, I don't understand why but for some reason it is." She admitted to me after a long silence. 

Y/N POV…..

I didn't know or understand how but being with Andy brought me peace. I never would have thought a single person could make the pain go away but somehow this f*cked up universe managed to prove me wrong. 

This small act was enough to let you know that someone actually truly cared and to be honest it was all you really wanted was to be at peace instead of your soul constantly at war. 

Before now….. before Andy it hurt. There's not much left to smile at, not much left inside you that knows how to smile. The once warm space behind your ribs was cold and dry – a wrinkled chamber where all traces of a heart have been scraped out – and you wondered why you still bothered to stay alive more often than you cared to admit. 

You can't die , a voice echoes in your head, you've been cursed beyond your time; you life.

There aren't many lucky days in your life, but today is one of them. 

A rarity – lonely, candid flower on a mountaintop; glowing gemstone encased in rough, dead dirt – and you cradle it so close and so tight with all the fear of losing one blissful little moment.

Andy is beautiful. He always is, whether you see him in sweaty, jogging clothes or in a pristine, carefully picked out outfit. He's beautiful like this – washed out jeans and black leather jacket draped over slender shoulders clad in a black t shirt. The light shines in his eyes, it illuminates everything that surrounds him, putting the Sun to shame. It shines over all the shadows, warms all the bones in your body.

"If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, then you would realize how special you are to me." 

'Do you believe in God?" Your cousin asked one day what seemed ages ago. Given that she was a die hard religious holy roller her response was of no surprise to you. "I do I absolutely believe in God."

"I don't know exactly what I believe in but I believe there is something bigger than me out there." 

The depression seemed to just get worse one day Andy asked you "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shrugged "I don't see why talking about it would make it any better." 

"It won't make it better." He'd responded "but not everything is about making things better." He paused placing his hand over the top of yours. "Sometimes you need to get things off your chest, speak your truth into the universe. You won't get anything from it but sometimes some emotions are too much to keep inside. You carry a sort of a burden and it hurts you more in the long run." 

You feel two strong arms wrap themselves around you. The intoxicating smell of of deodorant or aftershave makes him smell so damn good. "I got you baby girl." His deep voice rumbles in your ear and a calmness washes over you. 

"I know your going through a lot and don't want to intrude I just want to tell you that I'm here for you." Andy twirled one of his fingers around a single strand of your hair that had fallen in front of your face. There were times where words weren't necessary to exchange and that was just fine the simple act of just simply being around one another was enough really and all that you really needed.