#i am also very burnt out right now from nursing school and so i'm really not trying to become the person everyone goes to for advice

[bookishfeylin]

So I deleted an anon, mainly because I am NOT truly qualified enough to give out advice on a topic that sensitive. I truly do not know your full circumstances, and so any advice I could offer would be generic at best. That being said, I will offer you this resource:

Stay safe, loves.

[non-electrical-outlet]

11/14/24: TIME ZONES and DST ARE BULLSHIT

I am fuckin MIFFED right now because I just opened up Jitsi for my Coaching session this week and saw that it started at 5:00 instead of 6:00. Daylight Savings Time started the weekend of the 11/5, and I skipped that week's session due to school deadlines, and I haven't logged in to Jitsi until just now because I'm FUCKIN BUSY as SHIT with NURSING SCHOOL and THIS SUCKS.

I did just send my coach an email about it...

And got a response back from him like immediately, which is so awesome and amazing. TBFH I was having a good day and in a particularly good mood, only to have it come crashing down when I logged in and realized the situation, and my first thought was something like "God Damn It the universe is always out to make a fool out of me. Every time I'm in a really good mood, that just means something is about to go wrong, and the universe is just lifting me up to smack me down" Writing it out like that helps me analyze the thought and do my own DIY CBT of sorts, like yeah that's not the most scientific thought. "The Universe is both sentient and malicious", like whaaaat? But that's how it fuckin feels in the moment, and it feels like SHITE dude!

Anyways, we're having our session today at 8:00 PM my time, 2:00 PM his time, and I'm definitely going to at least mention that cognitive distortion up there in the quotation marks (Note to Self: self-directed learning of psychotherapy modalities would be cool, starting with CBT). I think I want to spend the bulk of our time on PC#1 and strategies to improve communication with my Dad. I think I'm ready to start talking to him again, ready to handle the discomforts and challenges and emotional labor involved, and ready to step out of the perspective of me being deeply wronged by him. Yeah I had some pretty shitty experiences and picked up a lot of emotional baggage from him, but continuing to view him as an adversary is no way to grow or move forward. Adolescence 2.0 is an opportunity to do things better than 10 years ago, with a more developed brain and soul. I've got my Therapeutic Communication Techniques from Nursing School, I've got my psychology background and whatnot, I've got healthy coping skills, emotional intelligence, other things to do with my emotions besides repressing them... I am better equipped than I've ever been in my whole life for this shit. I am ready to start caring for others again.

"I'm ready to start caring for other's again..."

I think my mental breakdown in the spring was essentially Baby's First Burnout, the point at which The Stressy Times came to a head. Between the physical + emotional labor I was doing at work, the emotional labor I was doing in my relationship, the academic and career work I was doing in nursing school, the reliance on substances as a quick and dirty coping mechanism, and the lack of regard for my own needs: I BURNT the FUCK OUT dude.

Today, after Mental Health Sim, I felt passionate about school again, about nursing and my future career, for the first time in this the year of our lord 2024. I felt both inspired and motivated to make dinner tonight, which was enjoyed by every person in the house. I felt genuinely and endogenously happy, no substances, for the first time in... who even knows how long, months at the very least.

It is very possible that the root of my recent irritation and hostility towards my Dad, my refusal to perform an ounce of emotional labor for him, is the Burnout from the Stressy Times. Things are going more smoothly since PC#1, and I would do well to remember that Dad has also had 10 years of Life since I was 15. House of Leaves was certainly a spooky read, but not all liminal spaces are so scary. The more comfortable I get with Becoming, the less often I'll feel so dissatisfied with Being.

That's it for now and for today. I wanna play some Ride 3 before coaching.