#i am absolutely lonely all the time and im tired of being single i want love too even if im messed up...

[basilquesadilla]

Just a warning, this post is just a rant/vent with about 0 organization, and may also have some mild, vague spoilers.

Watched Heartstopper season 2 with a friend last night, and I think this time that show really hit me hard and made me feel super single with my aromanticism, even with Issac there. I really enjoyed spending time with my friend, but I got sad because my thoughts were going “This isn’t forevee, you’ll be back to being alone soon.” Watching issac feel awkward amongst his own friend group felt so relatable, anf I resonated with that hard.

I feel like my aromanticism is just something I’m constantly going up and down with how I feel about it. I’ll feel great about it for a bit, then i wont feel hood about it at all for a while, which is getting tiring to experience. I often try to attach queerplatonic/platonic meaning to romantic songs, and i tried to do that with the song that played in the final scene where Charlie talks about the bullying he experienced and what it was like. But i couldn’t do it. There’s not even anyone I’ve met that i’d wanna be in a queerplatonic relationship with, aside from a few where i knew there was no chance. I just felt so lonely so I couldn’t even listen to it.

One thing that doesn’t help me is I feel so touch starved yet I’m also often touch-averse, likely due to the former. It took me nearly a.year with my current friends who I met last year to even do hugs, and I doubt it’ll ever go beyond that because i feel like people never show their friends that much physical affection. Especially since, even if i am non binary, i still look like a cis man right now. And I know a lot of people would find like doing any physical affection with me because of that probably, and I’m touch averse so what does it matter anyways lol. It’s just a torturous limbo lol.

My friend was saying how the show made them want to reinstall dating apps, and meanwhile after the show I had to tune my thoughts out with TikTok and listening to other music to avoid my thoughts.

Another thing that hurts is(this is some long context that i need to add) is that after high school ended, i really didnt get to keep in contact with a lot of my friends(Ik that’s common but bear with me). I’d watch some of them thriving and finding friends despite it being 2020 fall semester where covid was still in its full swing in terms of impact on uni, and meanwhile I was alone. I was severely depressed, and lonely. Because no one i met in my courses with other engineering majors clicked with me(the classes were pre reqs for me as a computer science major). So then I got more lonely, and sophomore year was a repeat.

Final week of school that 2nd year i even decided i couldn’t take talking to even my online friends community aside from 2-3 close friends there. Then junior year happens, and i met my current friends. And of course i love them and everything. But i also have this voice in my head saying that the repeat will happen post graduation. We’ll all go to different places, and then they’ll talk to me less and less, and eventually I’ll just feel lonely and isolated again, and be back to thinking some very dark thoughts. And it’s terrifying. And i guess watching heartstopper s2 reminded me of all that, even tho i absolutely adored it still. All i could think in the back of my head was “you will never experience affectionate touch like this. You will never be able to be in a romantic relationship,’or a queerplatonic one. You’ll be lonely and your friends won’t always be there with you.”

So yeah, here I am, back to feeling shitty about being aromantic and hating it. Because instead of feeling the yearning, crushing, and relationships like others. Instead of feeling physical affection like others. Instead of being able to see a future with a partner. All im experiencing right now is bitterness at my lot in life and how i feel like all my friends will slowly leave me, and i won’t be able to make new ones because I suck at doing that as shown by the 2 years before meeting my current ones. And that just makes me feel depressed. I honestly feel kinda broken and hopeless. Aro and thus a lot of relationship options are cutoff from me, cant find people I’d want to enter a queerplatonic relationship with, AND have trouble with making friends. It just feels like I’m destined to be lonely, and ik it isnt supposed to be a factor in that, but it does feel like being aromantic plays a role in this whole mess for me rn. And i hate that.

If you read to the end of this, ty and I greatly appreciate you :) 💛

[p1nkwitch]

For the writing asks: 3, 5, 6, and 14?

3- What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Oh this- listen i have an entire universe for this whole thing with several branching timelines.

Its originally planned with an oc that i have that i ship with Elias and Peter. But im not going to put her here, cause that implies writing the entire thing with her in it and-

Well its a lot. Like its seriously a lot.

So to simplify the whole thing I'm going to omit her.

Anyways this universe in particular-

I love this verse.

Jon is having an existential crisis.

Which for him its not new, but this is taking the cake perhaps for all the wrong reasons he can think of.

His day started normal, then it got bad when Martin was gone with Peter Lukas. He had been about to confront them, talking with Elias first-

But the next thing he knew is that they were no longer there.

Elias, Peter, Martin and himself were all sprawled out in some backyard.

The noise seemed to attract attention from someone inside the house, he was about to try and defend himself saying he didn't mean to break in-

When the person that opens the door is no one else than Elias himself. A few more grey hairs along, but still absolutely him. He checks with the one next to him to confirm that yes it is a double. And not the stranger. He doesn't have-

He-

Jon would admit that he panicked, because where beholding should be, there was nothing.

Twenty minutes later has the five of them in the living room. His-

God he doesn't want to call him his Elias. So he would go for Elias and the other is just other Elias.

Is giving the older looking one an impressive glare.

“So…. When are you from exactly?” This was building up to be a nightmare.

Elias and Martin start to ask questions and the man winces before shushing them.

“Not so loud, you will wake him” That makes everyone look confusedly at him.

“Wake who?”

“My-” Steps can be heard from the stairs.

“Dad?”

Jon is really losing it.

A boy, couldn't be more than… 5? Is looking at them holding a seal plushie. There is something very familiar about him.

Black hair, pale skin, light blue eyes and freckles-

Jon slowly turns around to look at Peter and has another startling revelation.

“Its ok Simon, i have visitors and they got rowdy” The boy looks at them and seems to become smaller and smaller, he darts to the older Elias and starts to make hand signs, that he seems to get.

“I- ok, ok, yes, no. He will be back in a little bit with your sisters-”

Sisters??!!

Elias, the one he came with is looking more and more perturbed and lost. So its not only him.

“Ok, let me take you up, if you gentleman can wait without destroying the place…” He raises an eyebrow like a disappointed parent and despite being 30 years old and knowing he is a piece of shit, Jon can't help but slide back on his seat and nod.

His life is a bloody nightmare.

Other Elias picks up his-

His son

And goes up while talking to him. The child clings to his neck and hides his face there.

Other scene.

“What do you mean the powers are gone???”

“Mm, i mean that they are gone, i tried my ritual and my version of Jon just- did something and especially it cut off every last single avatar from the entities. The leading theory is that new avatars can be made, but those from before? We just cant use them anymore. Its the main reason why Peter’s family is convinced that Simon can help them bring back the lonely. The amount of times we had to keep them from kidnapping him its impressive”

“My- excuse me what???” Peter looks scandalized, his family would not-

“Peter… Do you think they would just take your kid if they thought that it would help them along with forsaken?” The other Elias gives him a tired and somewhat rueful look.

It sets something off in him so he looks to his Elias. He nods lightly and it makes him-

Angry? Being here is throwing him off.

The lonely… he can’t feel it, it's not muffling his feelings and its making him feels off.

5- What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

I would say... Peter? I was rather lonely as a child and preteen until i met my best friend. Too weird and my siblings and i got along, but we have a 10 year age gap difference so they had their own stuff to do. That made me be on my own a lot and explore around the house. His statement just hits right with me and i love to write him because of it.

I am also very anxious with people. If i know you i will have no issue, but alone and with strangers? I would rather disappear in a cloud of smoke. Peter is cheerful despite the lonely or maybe because of it. So i get being lonely too and identify with him.

Also when i do write him? Tim. Happy and cares a lot about a small group of people that he is close with? Loves his friend but can be mean?

I adore him.

Elias or Jon because i crave knowing stuff and deal with impostor syndrome about my achievements a lot so yeah!

Still its mainly the lonely sailor.

6- What character do you have the most fun writing?

Elias, but because i get to explore a lot of things and play around with him. He is fun to put in situations that are out of his control, or perhaps make him deal with feelings that he has repressed a long time.

He is my stress ball for writing.

Also i love his reactions to some of the things i put him though, making horny Elias always cracks me up.

Peter has a similar effect when I want to deal with some family dynamics and what it means to be lonely as i said before.

Mm also i want to write some Gerry but i need to wait a little bit longer for that ;)

14-At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Except for like 4 fics?

Its the last thing i put, i literally have to come up with one just as im about to post the story on ao3. And its usually whatever I can scrounge up from the story or a lyric line that i like and feel that fits.

I suck at naming stuff and giving summaries.

Everything i do name, is a reference to something else usually so titles are the pain of my existence.

[lgcyunhyeong]

hey there!! this is my first time in lgc and i’m super excited to be here! i’ve been eyeing this place for a while and i’m glad i finally mustered up the nerve to join. this is cho yunhyeong, 21, works part time at his local gs25. he’s been a trainee for little over a year and is hoping to eventually debut in a band! he plays the bass and sings a little bit, and he also wants to get into songwriting and composition eventually. he’s generally kind of a weird kid--super spacey, often distracted, your local space nerd--but he’s a good egg in spite of that. compared to some of the other trainees, he’s pretty aimless and chill, but he does genuinely love music and performing, so...!

you can find some more info about him on his about and background pages but they’re kind of messy so i’ll drop some quick facts about yunhyeong under the cut, along with some connection/plot ideas to hopefully kickstart things! if you’d like to plot, please hit like on this post and i’ll hop into your ims! i also have a discord if you prefer to plot there - just ask me for my username ♡

quick facts:

born and brought up in seoul - very local, most comfortable in his neighbourhood, the most exciting vacation he ever took was to busan (and it was #lit). his parents own the best hot pot restaurant in seoul, and yeah he’s biased but that doesn’t mean it’s not true! 

has an older brother currently in law school and their relationship is best described as ‘i tolerate you’. they’re complete opposites - his brother is super driven and loud and outgoing while yunhyeong is not so they’ve never really clicked beyond the fact that they are siblings and therefore are obligated to love each other

was the quiet kid growing up, had a very chill and subdued personality. didn’t really speak unless spoken too, didn’t play much with others. most of the time he kept to himself and focused on his hyperfixations - first, it was dinosaurs, and then space! and he’s been stuck with space ever since

his mom put him in music lessons when he was younger in hopes that a relatable hobby might help him make friends?? also that it’d work as a conversation starter but it didn’t because yunhyeong remained as weird and solitary as ever! he did fall in love with music as a result though

in high school he decided to branch out and make friends by starting a band - new age sexy aliens or NASA for short. his recruitment process was like: whoever shows up to join is part of the band! it worked out for the best since he and the band members got really close

they started off playing covers but then branched out into their own original music (yunhyeong helped write some of their lyrics). most of their songs used heavy space imagery and they were really pretty but also low key about aliens

yunhyeong loves aliens

nasa had a pretty dedicated fanbase both online and in their school! did well, were thriving, living their best lives and playing hella gigs, and then their lead singer got scouted by an entertainment company. it was the beginning of the end for them; the rest of the members went their own ways as well and the band officially disbanded in 2018 rip

yunhyeong started to busk on/off since he wasn’t attending university and didn’t really know what the heck else he wanted to do with his life outside of the band, and that’s where he got scouted by legacy! joined the company because like... well... why would he not...

wants to debut in a band if he can... and focus on songwriting and music composition as a secondary career path. he isn’t like... super motivated though? has always had issues with setting goals and being ambitious... he’s more like, eh, i’m just gonna go where life takes me! 

personality wise, he’s still a pretty quiet kid unless you get him talking about one of his interests, in which case he will never shut up EVER. he gets distracted easily and will sometimes zone out when you’re talking to him but has a good memory of like, the most random shit you wouldn’t expect him to recall

easygoing as hell, rarely gets riled up over anything. on the flip side, he doesn’t really come across as sincere (even though he almost always is!) in his emotions because people are like... hm... just feels fake. tries to stay as positive as he can and doesn’t dwell on stuff that might upset him. sometimes people think he’s shallow! but he has #deepthoughts. he just doesn’t share them

unmotivated when it comes to most things! has no goals, no ambition, doesn’t care much for academia or being forced to like, conform to things. his mom calls him a free spirit but she’s probably just making excuses for him. it’s more like he’s stuck in some sort of limbo?? scared of growing up but scared of being left behind. it’s complicated

he’s really a sweet guy though. a little odd - he’s not the best at showing affection and sometimes he can be really... strange? offbeat? you never know what the fuck is going on in his head. but he’s a Human Being Just Like You (sadly) and simply trying his best to live every day

connection/plot ideas:

he didn’t really have many friends growing up, but still - childhood friends! maybe you were the exception. maybe you didn’t mind that he was awkward and quiet and a little weird! maybe you tripped and fell on the playground and he gave you a star-patterned purple band aid and you decided you would die for him. who knows! 

friends in general who understand him and look @ him with fond exasperation... must be able to tolerate his antics. liking aliens is a bonus. jk, but he’s a sweet guy who loves his friends! please be kind to him

fans of his former band, nasa (or antis?). he was the bassist and a sub vocal and didn’t stand out too much compared to some of the other guys, but he always did the intros and he’ll happily talk about nasa all day! discuss the symbolism of their songs with him

exes? i genuinely cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want to date him but i feel like he’s had at least (1) relationship before... maybe you took a chance and after you started dating you were like, god, i’m running away

crushes, whether one-sided on his part or your part or reciprocated but you don’t know it yet?? he’s holding out for his alien bae but maybe you don’t know that and just think he’s like, this quiet mysterious pretty boy. maybe he thinks you’re cool for a human! 

fellow trainees who can play instruments... yunhyeong needs someone to #jam with because playing the bass alone is kind of lonely (and since he’d like to eventually get on the band track, making some connections would be cool) 

fellow trainees in general, especially ones in his training group!! he’s not as hungry for debut or as ambitious as some which means he’s a) non-threatening and b) chill to hang with. you could be into that or it could absolutely infuriate you since he doesn’t seem to be taking things seriously! maybe you think he doesn’t deserve to be here

met online on an alien enthusiast forum and you talk almost every single day about various theories and moves and all that kind of stuff but you’ve never met irl! and yunhyeong really wants to meet you in person! 

idk bully him 

you’re buying a bunch of weird shit from the convenience store where yunhyeong works at like 2 am and he has so many questions and won’t let you pay and leave until you answer them

alternatively, you find him sleeping on the job and you want to wake him up but the moment you touch his arm, he makes this high pitched screeching noise and you fall over and take an entire shelf of candy down with you

you invite yunhyeong out for drinks but he took one sip of soju and he’s a mess... you didn’t sign up to take care of a giant drunken baby but guess what! you will be! if he tries to kiss you, dodge him

you always bum free meals from yunhyeong’s parents’ restaurant because his parents think you’re his best friend. tbh you actually don’t really like him but he doesn’t realize it so he never bothers correcting his parents either!

you didn’t realize yunhyeong was allergic to cats and dogs and you brought your cat/dog near him and oh my god he is having the UGLIEST allergic reaction

yunhyeong can’t swim. you push him into a pool as a joke. chaos ensues

you play various video games together and yunhyeong is really good but he’s more interested in stardew valley than in league of legends and you keep pestering him to play with you dammit i need you on my team

you slipped a love letter under his door for one of his roommates but yunhyeong thought it was for him and now he keeps (kindly) rejecting you whenever you see him and you don’t even know how to react

Oh No We Are Trapped In This Room And The Power Went Out And I Am Scared Of The Dark Please Hold My Hand For Science

yunhyeong loves smoothies and one day you catch him trying to blend a slice of pepperoni pizza into a smoothie because he is, and i quote, “tired of chewing”

IDK ALL THESE IDEAS ARE BAD BUT PLEASE PLOT WITH ME ANYWAY

[mistressarafax]

Small Adjustments

Kaiba didn’t adjust to change well. It didn’t happen often, and usually, any changes in his life were directly the result of Mokuba forcing change into his life.

The biggest change he’d lived through was Mokuba leaving for college. It was the first time they’d ever been separated for more than a week or two, and it forced Kaiba to accept that his little brother had grown up. Forced him to find a routine that didn’t involve Mokuba in the manor. It had been lonely and difficult, but it's what his brother wanted.

Mokuba came back after a year at school taller than Kaiba, which had honestly been a shock. Of course, he’d watched Mokuba grow up over the years, hitting growth spurts along the way and slowly but surely catching up to his older brother’s height. Now the soon-to-be nineteen-year-old stood an inch taller than him.

Not only was he taller, but he’d clearly spent a significant portion of time on campus working out. His muscles had filled out, and while his face still had some of its boyish features, he looked more like an adult than a child. It was difficult for him to adjust to the fact that his little brother wasn’t little anymore.

Over the summer, Mokuba worked short hours at KaibaCorp. He spent a week in all of the departments, doing all kinds of work and trying out every kind of job imaginable.

“You know there’s a vice president position for you,” Kaiba said. “You don’t have to do the small stuff.”

Mokuba had met his comment with a glare. “I want to have a full picture of the company, Seto. Most people don’t just get put into a top position. They work for it and move their way up.”

“I worked for it.” It felt like an accusation, words that had been directed at him at a far more impressionable time in his life coming back to bite him again only from someone who actually mattered.

Mokuba’s expression and tone softened. “I didn’t mean that to insult you. Yes, you worked for it. And you work to keep it every single day. You seized the company from Gozaburo, and the world is better for it. What I’m saying is that I don’t deserve to be the vice president just because I’m your brother. I don’t want valid accusations of nepotism to hang over my head. I want to earn it.”

It was another adjustment, something he’d never expected. He always imagined that Mokuba would just become his vice president, but a part of him was proud of Mokuba for wanting to stand on his own. To work for his own achievements. That change didn’t take him long to accept.

Two weeks later, Mokuba marched into his study and sat back on the leather couch. He’d pulled out his phone and typed out a message, distractedly announcing, “I’m not going to go back to school in the fall.”

“Why not?”

“I’d rather attend online classes from home. Plus, I can spend a few hours a week helping out at work.”

Which suited Kaiba just fine.

What didn’t suit Kaiba just fine was that now that Mokuba was home and all of his school friends had headed back to college for the fall, Mokuba started hanging out with the only loser who’d stuck around Domino City, Joey Wheeler. He’d discovered the fact quite by accident when he found the idiot in Mokuba’s entertainment room, holding a bag of potato chips and chewing with his mouth open.

“Who let you in here, Wheeler?”

“That would be your brother.” He’d grabbed another handful of chips, casually leaning back onto the couch as though it were perfectly normal for him to be here. As if there wasn’t a point in time when the two of them couldn’t be in the same room without fighting.

Kaiba opened his mouth to tell him off when Mokuba walked back in the room. “Hey, Seto!” he greeted. “Hopefully you two were playing nice.”

“Nice enough,” Wheeler answered with a shrug.

Kaiba didn’t deign him with a response before heading off to his study to get some more work done for the night.

The one night became several nights, and within a few months, it became almost surprising to not see Wheeler at the manor, sitting on the floor in front of Mokuba or next to him on the couch. After six months, Wheeler had become a permanent resident in the guest room closest to Mokuba’s. The two had become friends, the closest Kaiba had ever seen his brother have. Kaiba did not appreciate having to spend so much time around the irksome blonde, but he was willing to overlook it for Mokuba’s sake.

The friendship altered Kaiba’s life in unexpected ways. Mokuba and Wheeler frequently went out for dinner, leaving Kaiba on his own for meals. He also no longer felt guilty on nights he had to work late though. He knew Mokuba wasn’t alone, which offered him a great deal of relief.

After a year, Wheeler had become a constant presence in Kaiba’s life. Which was why he was so puzzled when he came home one night, expecting to see Mokuba and Wheeler playing video games like always, only to find Mokuba lying in bed, curled up with his back facing the door.

“Where’s Wheeler?” Kaiba asked, confused.

Even in the dim lighting, Kaiba could see how Mokuba’s back had tensed. “Home.” The response was short and uncomfortable, and Kaiba wondered what had happened. Clearly, Mokuba was upset. If the idiot had hurt his brother, Kaiba would rain fiery vengeance upon him. Mokuba hiccuped, fighting back tears.”God, I’m an idiot.”

That’s it, Kaiba decided. Wheeler’s dead.

Mokuba climbed out of bed and trudged over to Kaiba and embraced him. Something about him in that moment made him look small again. Defeated and tired and young. “Mokuba, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

Kaiba frowned. “You are absolutely not an idiot.”

“It sure feels like it.”

“What happened?”

Mokuba stepped away from Seto, leveling a calculating gaze at his brother. “I… I kissed Joey.”

“You…? What?” Kaiba asked, trying to wrap his head around what Mokuba had just told him.

“I um… I like him. A lot. And I thought he liked me, too. So we were just playing games, like always, and curled up together on the couch, and I couldn't help myself and kissed him on the cheek. He left after that, and on God, Seto, I messed everything up.”

It was a lot to process at once. His brother liked a boy. Nothing wrong with that, he just found it unexpected. Maybe if they'd ever actually talked about the subject of romantic interests, Kaiba would have known this before now, but Kaiba really didn't care. What he found decidedly more wrong was that the boy he liked was Joseph Wheeler. He could make a whole list of issues he had with that.

But Mokuba liked Wheeler, and Kaiba doubted an extensive list of reasons why it was a terrible idea would persuade his brother to rethink. In fact, if Mokuba's teenage years had taught Kaiba anything, it was that trying to dissuade Mokuba from something only made him more likely to do it out of defiance. So Kaiba had to accept that Mokuba liked Wheeler, and that was that. There would be no changing that fact. Mokuba really liked him. Enough that being rejected had him clinging to Kaiba like he was still a kid again.

Kaiba hated seeing Mokuba so upset and defaulted to feeling angry at the source of that sadness. Wheeler was an absolute idiot for turning down Mokuba, and Kaiba was going to make him regret it. No one hurt his little brother without facing consequences.

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Mokuba finally said, shaking Kaiba from his thoughts.

“Why?” He was genuinely perplexed.

“Because you don't care. And you're probably mad.”

“Hell yes, I'm mad. Wheeler's going to pay for this.”

Mokuba looked at him seriously, pain still lingering in his expression. After a long moment, he sighed. “Don't do anything to him, Seto.”

“He needs to pay for hurting you. Like everyone else.”

“Seto...this isn't his fault. This is my fault. I can handle this without your interference.”

But as Mokuba bid him goodnight, and Seto headed to bed, he knew he would still involve himself. He couldn't not. It was far too common for people to hurt him through Mokuba. He doubted this was intentional on Wheeler's part, but he still couldn't let it slide.

Which is how he found himself at Wheeler's apartment first thing in the morning. Mokuba's happiness was far more important than the 9:30 AM upper management meeting he was missing to be here. It took Wheeler a few minutes to get to the door, and when he finally pulled it open, he looked rough. His hair fell into his face, still wet from a shower, dark circles under his eyes, and his face swollen, and Kaiba decided that maybe Wheeler was suffering over this too, just like Mokuba.

Wheeler sighed. “What do ya want, Kaiba?” he asked, sounding resigned.

“I'm here to see why you rejected my brother.”

Wheeler’s eyes flicked up to meet his, surprised. “I… I didn't.”

“Then why was he in his room, alone, crying over you last night?”

“I panicked last night, okay? He kissed me, and ain't like I didn't want it, but it felt wrong.”

“Why?”

Wheeler ran his hand through his hair, roughly raking through knots in frustration. “Because of people thinkin’ I'm too old for him. Because of what you'd think, too.”

Kaiba crossed his arms. “What, pray tell, do I think?”

Wheeler shrugged. “Dunno. That I ain't good enough for ‘im.”

“You're right. You aren't. Especially if you're going to worry about what others think of you over my brother's feelings for you.”

“Wait so... you ain't against it?”

Kaiba grumbled, searching for the right words. “I'll never be against something, someone, that makes Mokuba happy. Even if you aren't good enough for him.”

“Really?” Wheeler's eyes flickered with hope and excitement.

Kaiba rolled his eyes and turned around, ready to leave. Wheeler laughed from behind him. “Thanks, Kaiba!” he shouted from the doorway. Kaiba didn't respond, but he knew he'd have an easier time adjusting to them dating than adjusting to both a moping, heartbroken Mokuba and the sudden lack of Wheeler's presence in his life. A laughable thought but true nonetheless.

He headed into work after that, staying extra focused since he's arrived late. He even worked late to make up for the lost time. He arrived home wau after the sun had set and promptly went to the media room, hoping to find Mokuba and Wheeler both there.

The glow of the screen reassured him as he drew near. He stepped into the doorway and frowned at the sight before him. Mokuba rested his weight on top of Wheeler, their game abandoned in favor of locking lips.

Without calling any attention to himself, he crept away, leaving them to their activities. The idea of them dating still felt foreign and weird, but it was a change he could live with.

[tutyayilmazz]

I really wasted half of my university life not really taking advantage of anything and now semester is starting and i still don't feel any motivation to join any clubs etc. I want to have, idk more than one friend i regularly spend time with but its so hard to find anyone you get along with... I just want to go home with the 4:30 bus and not wait until 6pm just to sit through introduction meetings where i feel like im gonna explode or cry bc of how nervous and uncomfortable i am. I used to want to do stuff like theatre and i went to see them before and its obvious they want you to forgo everything else bc they were all in their 7th year of university... And the smaller ones are just a bunch of people who are friends anyway hanging out supposedly doing smth. Its nice to take part in stuff but after being tired all day through class/lab i just want to go home so much that i rarely even go to the movie screenings my absolute fave teacher's club is doing. And honestly even if you do miraculously make friends you can't ever meet up with them bc your schedules and exams are never gonna match up. I can't get closer to anyone in my department even if i try to be as friendly as i can in class afterwards they're all gonna leave to do whatever with their friends. And im still pissed at how the friends i had in first year left me and now they're friends with this insufferable girl. I hate how lonely i feel and i hate how i just want to avoid everyone at the same time. I hate how im either so tense about everyhting or so apathetic that id just rather go to the computer lab and watch smth instead. I usually don't mind just being alone, walking around but when i see people that i know having fun i feel so shit. I hate how one of my close friends where i live also goes to the same school and yet she won't make any effort to see me while we're both there. I hate worrying about everything i hate that i cant be content with what i have. I hate how i cant manage to do any single thing

[bloody-moths]

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 2

It's been awhile sense Analelle came over and we were just laying down on my bed watching a Disney movie together

"Hey Nalia?"

"Yea?"

"Im going to head home because my parents are spamming the fuck out of my phone so I'll see you tomorrow"

"Alright I'll see you tomorrow come after school, I wanna go to the mall with you"

"OF COURSE ILL COME TO THE MALL WITH YOU"

"We have a Fall Dance this year and I wanted to go pick dresses out with you"

"Alright we'll ima head home"

"Bye stay safe" I said as she got off the bed going towards the door of my room and waving bye

I continued to watch movies until my mom got home at around 10:36

"Hey Mom!"

"Hello darling, how was your first day of school?"

"Just wonderful!"

Of course I was being sarcastic to make her feel like I did have a good day

It was the total opposite

After we talked at the island as she ate I went back up to my room to 50 messages from Jerk face

He cussed me out?? Why the fuck

As a good person I am I called

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CUSSING ME OUT ON TEXT J HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU!" I yelled that as I sat up on my bed

Luckily my house is pretty sound proof

...

I got no sleep last night

Bitch face Batman kept spamming me for no fucking reason

I bet he's single with no parents just a grandma and zero friends

I'm in first period, falling asleep

Again

"Mrs. Tate what is the answer to this?"

"Uhh"

...

Luckily I knew what I was doing in first period when he called me

Now it's seventh period

Almost time to go home finally

...

I got home to a normal empty house with all the lights off

I seem kinda lonely if you ask me

But I'm not the desperate type to get guys or some shit like who the fuck does that

No guys at my school are even hot or have good personality's

I get upstairs and go to my desk to do my homework

Yes, homework it's only the second day and there is homework

What a hassle to do

...

ELIAS POV:

Today was a fucking hassle and I think Brat Face blocked me

Hard fact is she's kinda cute but I hate her ass

She's annoying, doesn't answer phone, and used lots of profanity

Like what the fuck did I do to her

Maybe I was mean but she deserves it for her name calling and cussing me out

NALIA POV:

I was laying back in my comfy ass bed

Listening to some amazing Spotify playlist that you guessed it I made When my phone went off

"Ugh who calls me at 7:34 without texting me first"

Well they certainly texted me first

Maybe 200 messages is a warning

"What do you want Batman?"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT BITCH"

"Never, but why did you call me"

I made myself sound more aggravated then I am because I want Elias to leave my ass alone

"I just wanted you to know...."

"Know what hurry your ass up"

"Know that your ugly and stupid, and that I hate you"

I knew all of that already but ima act sad just for his scrawny little ass

"Aw man I thought I was beautiful...unlike you" murmured the last part so he didn't hear

He herd it, very fast too.

"HEY IM VERY HANDSOME FOR YOUR INFORMATION!!"

"No, your not absolutely not at all"

"Bitch"

"Shut the fuck up I never asked you to call me names so I'm going to hang up"

"Bye brat"

"I'm not a brat" I said that as I hung up

...

It was now 9:42 and mom just got home

"Hey Mom how was work?"

"Very tiring sweetie, how was school and being home?"

"Wonderful! I had a little bit of homework but it's all done so it's ok!"

"That's good well I'm going to shower and get ready for bed now, I'm exhausted from work"

"That's fine mom! I'll see you tomorrow"

...

It's Wednesday, fucking hell I just don't want to walk today

In PE we're always in the weight room for no fucking reason and sense I am decently strong they want me to do more than I have to on benching and deadlifts

My legs hurt like I got hit by a truck

But I still have to go to school

For Mom right

...

I'm halfway there until I turn the corner and run into my enemy, Elias

Dear lord save me now please

"WHATCH WHERE YOUR GOING BITCH"

"So sorry I turned the corner way too fast" saying that very sarcastically

"Don't sound sarcastic you little brat"

"Office kid"

At this point I'm just going to walk away and hope he doesn't follow me

Of course he follows me to the school but I just put my AirPods in and doesn't listen

...

It's first period almost at the end but the teacher says we have a duo project

"So I will be picking the groups for everyone!"

"Saralynn and Blakely"

Bruh I know no one in this class of their than the jerk

Who will I be with

"Amisha and Davion"

Who am I with what the fuck he's almost done

"Nalia and Elias"

"IM WITH HIM"

"SHES WITH ME"

"CHANGE US PLEASE" we said at the and time

——-

Thank you for reading the second chapter! I really hope you liked it!

Have a great day! ❤️

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.29.2021 Dear G,

Another restless night after another restless night last night. I am so tired of not being able to talk to you call you see you be with you. I done the very best I can to make and keep that promise i made to us when we last emailed each other when I told i wouldn’t contact you until I was a month sober. I’m am just coming to you now to ask you if it is ok if i contact you before . I know I made the promise to us and I know I did . I was going to keep it I really was and I’m sorry. My full one month of active sobriety is on the first of April . I can’t hold back anymore. I can’t be silent and on the sidelines . I just want to talk to you G. I just miss you with all heart each and every day I miss you more and more. I’ve laughed with you in silence at our snaps, I smiled at the tweets you’ve made, I’ve cried with you whenever you’ve posted to your tumblr, I’ve seen each and every lonely sad day that you’ve fought through and struggled through to get this painful time. It’s been painful and i’ve cried with you and for you. I’ve laughed at your tweets that are, i’ve smiled at your tweets that were you and so cute. Mostly though with each and every day I’ve gotten more and more deeply sad and longing for you and i just can’t take it anymore . I just cannot stay in silence here any longer when every single day and night i’ve talked to you, i’ve laughed with you, I’ve smiled with you, I’ve cried with , I’ve cried for you, i’ve longed for you, i begged for you, i’ve hoped that somehow you could hear me and you know that i’m thinking and feeling for you. I’ve done this all in silence. I’m sorry that I couldn’t wait any longer I just cannot wait to contact you any longer than this. I am so restless now each and every day that drags on and on and on. I had a countdown on my sobriety calendar beside our bed and i was just getting so anxious each and every day. I am saying to you now that i am here and I’ve always been here every single second of every single day and night since the last time that we emailed each other. I’ve read and reread that email over and over and over again. I’ve screenshooted the email where you told me not to contact you until I was a month sober. I’m sorry I took longer than expected and I’m sorry that I am few days short of a full month, my love. But I just cannot wait any longer in the sidelines, in the shadows, in the wings, waiting to step forward and back into your view, when I’ve been here the whole time, loving you from distance, from a veil, from a promise that I made to us. I am here my love and I am asking you very simply and plainly if I can come back home to us? 

It’s been struggle to be honest G and I’m sure you know because you know me inside and out. You know that by not contacting you until now that meant that struggled with sobriety after we last emailed. I have nothing but my openness and honesty now with you, because i have already lost you, and I may have lost you, the love of my life, forever, so I have nothing left to lose save for the last bit of openness, honesty and vulnerability that i can share with. Yes i did relapse twice after we emailed. Yes i was me that did that to myself. Yes i did choose to relapse and push the timeline for getting back to you and to us behind further behind than what I had asked for. That was all me . I didn’t give up . I tried and then I tried again and then I tried and I now I am here with almost a full month of active sobriety. It is not a on and off switch like so many times i said to you. It is a choice that I make for myself each and every day when I wake up , again and again and again , until I close my eyes and go to sleep at night. I put the red sharpie on the calendar beside our beside on the date and I cross it out. Every time i crossed it out, i said to myself ‘ I coming bb , I’m coming’. You know what though in this time that I’ve done that I’ve grown stronger each and every time I’ve done that. I’m even growing stronger in my resolve as I write these words to you . I have tried and failed in the past for my sobriety. Yes I did . I desperately and painfully did each and every time . Sometimes I gave for awhile . Sometimes I gave for way too long . Like what you saw when you came back with all the hopes and dreams for us in February. I still struggle every day with guilt, shame and regret for all that happened. But something happened last time i relapsed . I didn’t want to do it for anybody else. I just simply and plainly wanted to finally and fully and completely be happy with myself and who i was. I knew that this was just not working at I was failing at being the best person I could be in my life. I was failing and cheating myself out of happiness that i knew i wanted but didn’t want to and was afraid to get for myself. I cried and cried and cried day in and day out at the situation before i was able to see myself for what was. Then I stopped for what I was and I started making little choices every single day to be the person that I wanted to be. You my beautiful lover were always right and you were always there to tell the things I didn’t want to listen to but were the right things. Sober is just sober . Thats just it . That all I am either sober or not. But it is a life full of choices to be sober. I had to first want to desperately be sober for myself , then I had to not just get rid of the negative but full my life up with so much promise of joy and hope that I simply could not want to put any more negative in it . I had to make the littlest things a celebraion , such as getting out of bed, making that bed, having a shower , changing my clothes, and those little joys gave me more and more so that I could tackle the bigger ones day by. Then I needed a working plan that I had to have in place . Another thing that you told me and I didn’t want to listen to until now. Well here I am now with all three things : my absolute desire and burning passion to be better with every day , my little life full of things that are so joyful in the little things that I don’t want to go back or even look back, and a plan that i work every day because it is my number one and most important task in life and always has been : me . In the short time that I’ve been sober, I’ve had more clarity than ever before and I realize that there is peace in sobriety because there is only one choice to make : sobriety. Active addiction is full of a maze of choices , pathways leading to lies and more lies . The lies build up until it is exhausting. I am finding peace in that one simple choice . It is the way for self care and the way i can show myself the most love I can. It’s not all roses G and it never will . I will need to relentlessly work on my sobriety for my entire life and that will never ever change nor can I ever take it for granted, get arrogant about it, or take my hand off the wheel. But there is joy everywhere for me in this that I never saw before and even now I am grateful and I love you for you. You had to leave because you couldn’t stay no matter how much I wanted you to no matter how much it hurt you , no matter all the promises I made I wouldn’t have been able to keep them because I had no tools to build out my sobriety. Each and every day Im learning how to use tools on how to cope with life recovering drug addict and alcoholic. Yes it hurts. Yes its struggle. Yes I miss you so fucking much it pains me now to even write the words still that you are gone . But i realized I would rather be sober and feeling the pain of losing over numbing it for a quick escape . It’s not an escape thats a lie. Its all lies. I used to have so many conditions on my sobriety. You know . Well I’ll be sober if that doesn’t happen or if this happens or or or or or or or or or. It goes on and on. Now its just peaceful. It just is really one choice. That is the best way I can love myself now. 

Sobriety doesn’t make life any easier if anything it harder. It’s harder to wake up and face challenges and difficulties head on, face on, face them with every ounce of your strength and not run from them to a bottle or a line. But it is a life worth living because there is good in being able to proudly say to myself that i did that each and every day. It’s not easy and i never take it for granted every day. I struggle with the guilt, shame and regret of the choices I made when i was with you when the one i was to just desperately be able to have the chance to make is the choice of us. You and me. You and me. Us. But i face it every day. I face it every day. I whisper to you every day. I cry for you every day I beg you every day. I do all of it with full clarity and I don’t want it any other way. You know that we never really stopped communicating even when were weren’t technically talking to each other there was no way that we couldn’t talk to each. I mean with your twitter and your tumblr account and of course our spotify playlists. I really just wanted a way to be able to talk to you in some way any way that i could and I am grateful that i was still able to talk to you in whichever way that you deemed was appropriate for you. I lived for each and every song you uploaded , I listened to each and every song , every lyric, every note, every verse, the painful ones, the less painful ones, the hopeful ones, more painful ones over and over again. I made my playlists just for those sweet ears of yours . I handcrafted it knowing full well that you would be listening to it . I hoped that you would be able to be sustained like I was in love and yearning and passion just like i was all this time. This entire I felt like i was on a special language that we were both speaking to each and you know you felt that too. I hung on every tumblr post you made. I saved them all . I kept every little perfect morsel of you and I thought and i felt my through them . I felt the pain that you felt . I had hope through it . I made that promise to us that no matter happened i would still have hope. Even all the Tumblr posts you deleted i saved and read and reread. There is just no end to how much I want you G. There is no end to my love for you. It never really ever will be over for you and even if its just in my own heart and my own mind. But even now I am praying and hopeful that i can come to us and come to you and your love. I saw all your VSCO posts and the last one I saw of you in that beautiful red bikini I thought and I hope that you were motioning me back with your hand to the home of your heart my love. The last post where you asked where i was I wanted to just call you just hear your voice your sweet sweet voice. Still now I just want pick up the phone and call you my love and tell you I love you and I am here and I always will be here for us even if its only just me on the end of the phone. I’ve written and deleted so many emails over the past month. Not being able to talk to you, my best friend, all of sudden one day was just too much and it still is. I just want to pick up the phone and call you each and every day as I’m sitting here on our uncomfortable couch listening to your en espanol playlist. it is you and always will be you . you will always be the one i want. 

You are the love of my life G. I know that. I just know that there is no other way that i will be ever want to be with than you mi morenita, my wolf queen of the mur, the most beautiful girl in the universe. I will always want you and chase you and yearn for you and want to come back home to your heart.That will never change. You are my soulmate. You are the one that i was every lifetime with. Forever and day. I always have and I always will. I watched all of the snaps from the first to the last of us and I saw the love and the passion and the burning fire that was us and still is us in me. I’m aching for you as i write this. I am just wishing for you so badly and I do every single second of the day.  We can never be strangers even if I don’t see you for a million years, you’ll never be a stranger to me and I’ll never to a stranger to you. I know every single corner of your heart. I know how you are the most sensitive , caring , gentle soul with those that are the ones that you love. I know what makes you laugh , I know how you laugh , I know just how to make you smile. You know me just the same. You know every single part of me inside and out . You know my sensitive caring, gentle soul too. You know how much I love to enjoy the quiet moments. You know how to make me laugh. I know your love language and you know mine. I know all your hopes, dreams fears and desires and you know mine. I know that we dreamt of us together and we both dreamt that dream together. I still have that dream I still see you in my dreams and in my life. I still see myself in my life.  I still see an us and I want to come home to us. I never lost hope in us for one second this whole time . Even if you have I am asking for you to give me and us any bit of luck and hope that you may have left. Yes. I am fully and unabashedly, openly and honestly asking you G right now. I told myself that when I did finally get ahold of you again I wouldn’t hold back anything . I’m not going to . I never really did ever with us and I’m not about to start now. G I just want to come back home to your heart. I want this to work . I can’t lose you . I can’t lose us. I can’t lost us and you and me to something that i cannot hold, love, hug, squeeze, caress , hear the words of love and express the words of love to . I’ve lost so much to my addiction and I don’t want lost anything and most of all I don’t want to lose the love of my life to it. You. G. I want to be with you. If I was on mountain right now I would scream it at the top of my lungs to you but I’m saying this to . G I can’t lose you. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ever have to go through life knowing that you are somewhere here on this planet in this same existence in this same time as me but now with me and not with us. Yes I do know that you are my soulmate. I want to be you now. Forever and a day. Just talk to me . Tell me exactly what you want and what you need . Let’s come back to each other and let’s talk it through my love. You tell me what you need and I will my utmost to provide it for you openly and honestly and with truth. I will all put all of my energy into you and us that I always should have but cheated us out. Just tell me what you need my love. I know you love and you know I love you. Love and loving someone is choice made every single day. I am choosing you and I am asking you to give me a chance to be with you to be with us. I cannot and I will not be able to have it any other way. Just talk to me . Let’s talk to each other like we always did. You’re my best friend, the love of my life and the only one i think of dream of and want to come to right now. I can’t lose you don’t want to lose you. Tell me exactly what you want and tell me exactly what you need and tell me exactly what you don’t want. Just talk to me. Just tell me. Whatever you need to feel secure , however much time you need, whatever it is my love you just tell and I will do it. I will do it with the most that i can because the thought of being able to be given the chance to be with the love of my life is something that I will be forever grateful to you. Just give me the chance to come back to us and I will step by step piece by piece put your heart back together with the pieces of my heart. I know we can do this. I know we can . It is just a choice that we both have to make together. I choose you and finally I just choose you and only you now. I am fully and completely at your feet right now and I am asking you to choose us just once more. Peash my love peash let me back into our lives, let’s dream again once more. Let’s make new memories together. Let’s make plans . Lets live life together bb. Peash . You know me inside and out and I know you inside and out. Lets make the new memories together. There are enough that I could live off them forever but I don’t want be just a memory I don’t want to just be your first love . I want to be with you and loving you forever and a day. It’s just you and me and that it. Its just us and thats the choice that I’m asking you to make. I am not just asking I am begging you to give me just one more shred of luck. I’ll take it and cherish it and cherish and cherish you. 

I know that there is healing that still has to happen between us . I’m not saying that this is a reset. It never could be and I wouldn’t even want it to be. It will always just be you and me and our past and our present and our future too if you want that. I am here saying I want that if you do too. I will always want that for us. We need be able to heal and forgive and mend each other and learn how to move forward from this. But I want to do that with you. I want you to tell me every single little thing you need and want until you don’t want to talk anymore. I will listen to every single little thing you have to say. I will do all this with openess, honesty , humility and my love and caring for you. I won’t lie to you. If what you are asking is something I cannot do I will tell you. But at this point I will do anything for you and for us. I want so much for us. I wish so many things too. But it just starts with us talking. Can we start there? Can we talk this ? I want to talk to you openly and honestly. I want to talk to you directly. Not through Tumblr, not through VSCO, not through songs, not through anything else than just talking my love it starts there. There are alot of things that I’ve realized in the past month of my CAMH outpatient rehab that i do know I need to work on and work on relentlessly. There were good things about me i know that much. I know that because you love me. I also know now that you just love me and thats it. No further conditions needed. Thats just what love is. Its a process and way of living that I’ve only started to understand and to really come to terms with. Yes you’re right I do need to love myself first to love you properly. Yes there were many good things about the way that I loved you but there were also many toxic things about the way I loved you too. I am seeing it now and I  am not shying away from it. There are conversations that have to happen if were are going to move forward. Conversations about what didn’t work before and what needs to change if its going to work for us if you do give us another chance otherwise it would be the same. I don’t want the same either. I want change . I want be able to love you securely and without putting any of my toxic behaviour into. There are issues surrounding my childhood trauma that I’m only now starting to accept and to recognize . These are things that I need to address right away in my life if I am in the interest of being happy and being able to be in a relationship with somebody that is loving and lasts and is secure. I want to do them all. Right away. I want to be with you free of the trauma that made us not work before. I want to talk to you about everything that could possibly hold us back from our happiness together and prevent us from being able to love each other properly and in an healthy way.  I want to just love you securely and I want to do that with you right away. Communication and honesty has to happen first. I know its a process but its something I want more than anything because I just want you and I will always want you G. I miss being able to talk to you openly and honestly . I just miss you G.  I am asking you to if I can come and can we build this again step by step brick by brick?

I am giving you this choice completely. For so long I took the choice away from you .  So now I am giving this choice to you. G will you choose to let there be new memories for us, will you choose to give me and us another chance for this love that I know we both have. It was real and it still is real for me. You can take it as slow as you want. You can tell me whatever you need or don’t need. I will listen and follow anything and everything that you tell me you need to feel safe, secure, valued and cherished in this relationship if there is to be one . That’s your choice . I’m leaving it up to you. You know my choice . You know my heart is yours. You know me and you always will. I am your lover boy. Your huevito. Your gringito. Your little whimpering doggy. You know everything. Can you just take all the time you need but just give it some time. I will be here and I will be waiting . Forever if I have . I really will . I will wait for you . I just want you G and I only ever will . Don’t worry though this isn’t going sway my choice to be sober in any way. My sobriety is a life choice and its unconditional and seperate from you or anyone . Its what i want for me . Nobody else. Of course if you do decide to come back to us then i will be open and honest with you about my sobriety and my state of being at all times. I will give you that every single second of the morning night and day. I will do everything in my power to make you feel safe and secure and aware of my sobriety journey at all times.

So don’t do anything you don’t want to do . Just do exactly what you want to do and do what is best for you. I will always love you G that will never. If I’m so lucky to see your face again, to pick you up in my arms, to smell your hair, to kiss your beautiful lips then I will be the luckiest guy in universe again. If you do not want to for whatever reasons, then I would have been the luckiest man in the universe. If you do come back to us I do promise you one thing I will scream to the world of my love to you and I will never stop loving you harder better and more than I have ever every single day for as long as I can. If you let me I want to to see you. I want to just take the time in my life, in our lives to appreciate you and us. So much of our time was in between other times. If you so want to do us again I want to see you again on a beach somewhere. Let’s take some time to get away and be together somewhere were its just us and just our love . You just tell me yes and Ill  be there. 

G this is it. This is my big letter to you. This is me asking for you back . This is its G. I had planned on this big thing. I had so much built up but this is it. This is my big letter to you asking for you to give me and us one more chance. I wanted everything with you and I still do. Everything we talked about I still see and want. You already know my choice is and always will be you. I am again begging you and asking you to give me that last little bit of luck the only luck I’ll need for the rest of my life. But it all starts with you one single choice . I will leave that choice to you.  I’ll wait for you as long as you need. I’ll wait as long as I have to. I know that is that only thing I’ll besides running back to your heart . If you were motioning me back with your hand in the red bikini I wont waste a second. If not I’ll keep waiting. You are the love of my life. 

Te Amo

Y Siempre 

Te Amare

Forever 

and 

A 

Day

[arreumddawo]

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[leegeumhyuks]

Seventeen in Toronto Highlights (Long Post)

this is gonna be such a shit post im basically ranting bc i have a lot of seventeen feels rn (its gonna be long too)

the concert happened like 4 days ago and I’m still not over it

Okay so I live in new Brunswick so it was a 15 hour drive one way. We drove up the day before and drove home the day after.

It was tiring, but so worth it. One of the best experiences of my life(oh btw i went with a friend ^^)

(not relevant to the concert but we went to a cute Korean store called Sarah and Tom which had a MASSIVE collection of kpop albums so I bought Going Seventeen and a BTS album :) )

Alright so the concert was at a place called Massey Hall which is more like a theater than a concert stadium [lowkey looked like a place you would go to see a play or an opera or some shit]

it was a pretty small place so really no matter where you sat, you could see really well so any seat was a good seat

Me and my friend were center-balcony near the back so we had a very clear view of the stage (other than there was some tall dude in front of me so it was a bit difficult at times)

We arrived outside the venue at around 6:20 (concert started at 7) and the line to get in already went around a whole block. People were stopping to ask what was going on and apparently it made the Toronto news??

So we get in at around 6:40 and the venue is already more than half full and theyre just playing music videos and everyone was singing along

And when I say everyone was singing along i mean everyone

Honestly I only remember a few of the songs but I they played BoomBoom, Very Nice, Highlight, Healing, and Check In

I have never been happier in my entire life when every single damn person in the venue did Mingyu’s “WhhoAHHH YeaAAHHH’ part. Super. Fucking. Loud

Alright so let me tell you my dudes, It was the biggest adrenaline rush when all the lights went out and you could see the boys run out on stage in the dimness. My heart felt like it stopped.

The lights turn on and I hear Dokyum say “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Diamond Edge” but honestly I wasnt even paying attention bc I was just so blown away

Literally my very first thought upon seeing them was “They’re not real” bc the very first person I looked at was Jeonghan and I thought he was so damn gorgeous he must be fake

He’s literal ethereal. I could go off about how good looking he is. Honestly the true visual of Svt (i swear hes not my bias)

So the very first stage was Pretty U and honestly I dont remember much bc i was too busy freaking out over the fact that I was actually there and they were actually here. I just remember everyone dancing along to Dokyums “Neoneoneoneo” part and all of us doing the “Yeppeuda” part

(they performed Beautiful right after and i really dont remember much of it other than the dance in the chorus [i have such a shit memory its mainly why im making this post before ill forget it all])

So after that they went straight into Adore U (which is my fav svt song although it probably isnt anymore after habits but ill talk about that in a bit)

Oh man if you thought I went off about Jeonghans visuals let me tell you about this mans vocals. They’re so sweet. Sweeter than honey. Jeonghans part in the chorus is my absolute favorite part of the song and it sounds 10000x better live. He just sings it so flawlessly while doing the dance and overall I was just so impressed??

Jihoon also sounded amazing but like let me just take a minute and say every single member sounded fucking perfect and flawless like if you aren’t stanning Seventeen then what are you doing

And the dances were so on point too. I didn’t notice any slip ups or anybody trippin or nothing. Like you’d think they’d show signs of fatigue or being tired bc they did two shows the few days before but they were all so hyped and gave their all in every stage and they genuinely looked like they were enjoying themselves

Anyways back to Adore U

Everyone in the crowd did the “Akkinda” part and I could see Soonyoung smiling so big bc of that like he was really happy bc of it

After Adore U finished they all lined up to do their intros and introduced themselves as a group and then did their individual intros

Most of them just did a casual “Hi I’m ___” but then you had the extra™️ members

Soonyoung got us all to chant something (im not sure what it was exactly I think it was ‘rock the beat’) and then he did his usual “What time is it??” “10 Hour 10 Minute” which honestly made my life i was hoping for him to do that (i love soonyoung sm honestly most of my favorite moments of the concert were bc of him)

Dokyum also did a thing where he got everyone to scream for him

All of their intros were great but none of them were as memorable as Jihoons for me

I know a lot of people were saying ‘He’s not that small in person’, but to me he was so small and cute and I just wanted to go and hug him bc hes so freaking adorable

So Jihoon’s kinda quiet and shy in general, we know that from variety shows and such but I saw it a lot in the concert. Like when other members were talking he just stood quietly with his hands folded and there was this one part where they all ran towards the edge of the stage and gave hearts and Jihoon like covered his face a bit and looked embarrassed 

So anyways he does like this cute little “Hi guys” and I just fucking melted right there. I made an audible “awwwww” sound that my friend was like ???

I love Jihoon so much and I will forever see him as the cute and adorable little smol (boi got a voice tho holy shit)

So they talked a bit more after that about how they walked around Toronto a bit the day before and how they were impressed with the crowd dancing along to Pretty U and Mingyu taught us a little chant where they would say “Seventeen Carat” and we would go ‘clap clap Ehhhhh’ it was weird but cute

So they went straight into Still Lonely from there and I hate my brain for not remembering most of it bc its one of my favorite songs but I just remember Minghao doing Jun’s part in the last chorus and sounding amazing honestly i want an official 13 member version of that song

So after that was Very Nice which was indeed, very nice. Dancing on point. Dino and Vernons rap were amazing and the whole audience did the “Maja” part

Also dont remember much of that stage but I definitely remember the last part bc thats the part where my son, Chan, is in the front. 10/10

Okay so I have 2 favorite performances of the night. One of which was Swimming Fool. I am such a hoe for Performance unit (considering 2 of my biases are in it) so actually every performance of theirs was my fav but Swimming Fool tho. 

That song is one of my favs and I had never seen the dance before so I was basically dying the whole time. Soonyoung’s little wiggle dance and the jumping up and down dance that Chan did. The whole dance was so cute tbh Ive been re-watching that video every day since. (if youve never seen the dance pls watch this. Not my video tho) 

Alright imma talk about Soonyoung for a minute. This boi. Was so hyper the entire concert. He  was doing his usual yelling during songs and was giggling a whole lot, I noticed. (He also dabbed like 20 times and i was like someone pls stop him)

(There was one part where he went and dabbed right in front of Jihoon and i laughed a little harder than i should have)

And I’m honestly so glad that Soonyoung was feeling great the whole time bc apparently at the Chicago(?) show he wasn’t able to perform bc he was sick so we were extremely blessed that all 13 members were well and healthy to perform for us so like thank u jesus for keeping them all safe

(I was lowkey worried about that a lot before the concert bc of when I heard Hyungwon was missing parts of the tour with MX so I was like “Lord pls let it be all 13″)

anywho so all the members went to change outfits and they played a vcr (dont remember what of tho i have such a shit memory)

So yall they did Mansae next and started out with the class chairs and Dokyum was the teacher at the blackboard it was rlly cute!! ^^ And towards the end they repeated the “MansaeMansae” part and got everyone to do the dance it was such a great time

So while the rest of the group was preparing for the next stage(i presume), Chan and Seungcheol came out, just the two of them, with a gopro and said it was the camera for “Going Seventeen” and were filming the crowd and interacting with us a bit. And then they had a dance battle (Which Dino clearly won Seungcheol didnt stand a chance against Michael Chanson)

So then everybody came out and did BoomBoom which was  incredible (every stage was amazing i feel like i shouldnt have to say it) Most of the crowd even did the shirt thing which was really fun. Chan slayed his rap (i love my son)

So after that there was another vcr and the members changed outfits again

Vocal unit came out and sang We Gonna Make It Shine and boys let me say I have never fell in love with someone vocals so much before in my life. Like I’ve always loved Jihoon’s voice bc it was unique and its got a nasally tone to it and I love it, but hearing it in person made me love it 100x more

And for a while I actually thought Jihoon wasn’t singing?? Bc he just sounded so flawless, like exactly like the recording that I thought ‘maybe hes lip singing bc his throat is bad or something’ and I’m hitting myself now for even thinking that bc really Lee Jihoon is just the most amazing vocalist I’ve ever heard Boo Seungkwan who???

So yeah Vocal unit slayed even though I’ll always like the 2014 version of that song with Soonyoung better

As soon as that song ended they went straight into Don’t Listen and omg let me talk about visuals. The stage had this whole setup with a table with some fancy ass candles on it and there was a throne that Joshua was sitting in and the lighting was really eerie and I really don’t listen to that song much but im gonna listen to it every day from now on bc damn

HipHop unit had their turn next where they did some song which I had never heard of before called “On Haeng Il Chi” and it was dope then went into Check In and once again everyone did Mingyus “ohhhhhHHh yeahH” part (glorious I tell you)

Seungcheol was serving looks the whole time bc he was wearing this black suit set and he just looked so good the whole time. Honestly Seungcheol was such a tease the whole concert and i got a look at his thighs at one point and man he thicc

Vernon was also wearing this nice green shirt and I just really liked it for some reason and I wish I had taken more pictures and videos I hate myself for not doing that

AlrIGHT Performance Unit time!!! So leadin up to the concert I thought they were gonna perform “WHO” bc it was a bonus track and I just thought they would perform it for some reason so when they were all standing there ready for the song to start, the amount of confusion on my face when OMG came on… Wasn’t disappointed tho that performance was awesome

Still would like to see a performance of WHO tho I hope they’ll do that next time

And then they did Highlight and me and my friend even switched seats so I could get a better video of it bc I love that song so much. Also leading up to the concert I knew they were going to do this song but I wasn’t sure if they were going to do 13 member version or not but I’m glad it was just the 4 of them

Oh man okay I’m gonna talk about my bias, Chan, for a second. His stage presence in every song is seriously amazing. A main reason why hes my bias is bc im a huge fan of his dancing and his dance style(and he pretty cute) and seeing him perform live was incredible. it was almost overwhelming bc I couldnt believe someone this talented existed and I was watching them in their element 

Like he put his all into the dance while still executing his raps and vocals perfectly. His voice actually does sound a bit different live, like its a bit higher than I expected but he was so on point the whole night why is he such an underrated member

Okay so the members had another outfit change after this and these outfits were straight up sinful. Not to mention the first song they performed in them was equally as sinful so I’m going to on about this performance bc this was the best performance imo. I will never forget it. It’s ingrained into my brain forever

So Crazy In Love starts. Okay so I don’t listen to this song much as far as just listening to it in my free time, but I’d seen the dance before so as soon as I heard the music, I knew we were royally fucked. I wasn’t expecting this song probably bc i forgot it existed but its my new fav song guys this performance ruined me. 

So the lights come on at the very first part and these mofos are wearing tight black skinny pants (which looked like they were leather but they werent) and red silk sparkly shirts that were tucked in. Every single member looked flawless 

(Also didn’t mention this before but all of their hair was styled so well bless the stylists. I normally prefer a more natural color for hair on idols so I was glad the colorful dye had faded and most of them just went with black or brown)

But lord have mercy when the song started. Okay Chan is my bias but I could not stop staring at Soonyoung almost the entire time - minus for Chan’s “talking about love” part (which I remember doing the dance for and screaming while doing so)

Like you get Swimming Fool Soonyoung whos all cute and playful and going “YEEEE HAWW” during the song and then you get Crazy In Love Soonyoung whos all bedroom eyes and sexy glares and just everything about the way he moves is mesmerizing (i swear. Hes NOT my bias)

So getting through the first chorus is hard enough when BOTH my bias and bias wrecker are up in front doing that provocative shit and I was so conflicted on which one to stare at but I ended up staring at Soonyoung the whole time. 

And then in the second chorus when it’s just Jeonghan doing it and both me and my friend screamed so loud ugh the outfits were so perfect for this dance i wanted to D I E

And then it gets to the Part in the song yknow the “Ooohhhhh” part where they spin around and when it was Soonyoungs part to do that by himself. I don’t even have words for how that made me feel. That image is in my mind forever. You know that meme thats like “you ever wonder whats going on in someones head?” well yeah its that for me

It’s just Soonyung doing that one dance move

okay moving on Ive talked about this enough

My I was right after and I’d never seen the dance to that either and it was really beautiful and cool like idk how to describe it. It was like a very romantic type of dance and Jun and Minghao had such great chemistry on stage together they really blew me away

OKay now imma freak out some more bc Vocal Unit performed Habits. I actually recorded this whole song so I wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening on stage bc they were all just standing there with mic stand anyways. I was enjoying the audio and their lovely vocals. (Again, Jihoon really exceeded my expectations in this song. Like for some members like Dokyum and Seungkwan I know theyre gonna sound great and its not like I didn’t for the rest but I’m just still not over how good EVERYONE sounded)

So I’m enjoying them vocals and the song ends and my friend taps on my arm and points to her face and there are actual tears. This bitch really cried. At the time I was like “during Habits of all songs??” but i was so naive now I understand(I cried 2 days later listening to that song)

Hiphop unit then did If I which I remember 0 of I think I was still too shook from Vocal Unit

I just remember their little hip thrust dance and then immediately after was a ment and Soonyoung was mimicking HH units dance and giggling like an idiot and got the whole crowd to sing and dance to If I

“Ohh Toronto. Dancing good”

Then they were all arguing over which unit’s performance suited Toronto the best but then decided that they all did

And then Soonyoung dabbed

Too many times

Everyone also dabbed with him this group is a M E S S

And then they got Jeonghan to do Aegyo so he spun around and made a heart and said “Toronto I love you!” in the cutest voice possible I swear I’m in love with Jeonghans voice

And then Wonwoo did a cute little dance to which we all chanted ‘Go Wonwoo’ for and then Soonyoung dabbed

again

(It made Jihoon cringe every time)

Then Jeonghan tried to get Seungkwan to sing something and Boo was like ‘moVING ON” but he gave in and sang a bit of Hello by adele which was really nice. Like damn the acoustics in that theater were no joke bc its a theater (i assume) made for plays and stuff and him singing without any track sounded really nice.

And then they asked my boi Chan to dance so he started singing Billie Jean by Michael Jackson and doing the hipthrust dance and Seungkwan ran over like ‘nOO”. But Chan just kept dancing and singing and having a good time and being w i l d  to which Seungcheol cracked up at. He literally fell on the floor laughing

And they kept going on about how this was a totally special stage for Toronto, “only for Toronto”

So then they went on to say they were gonna perform a very “hot” song next and my clueless ass was like ‘Don’t wanna cry?’ but naw it was ROCK which I only recorded part of bc the lighting was bad and my phone sucks

But okay I can just say that Wonwoo’s voice sounds 10x deeper in person. If you thought his rap was really deep in that song, wait until you hear it live. For a long time Wonwoo was my favorite rapper in kpop and I think hes regaining that title he was very good the whole night and I really like his deep voice

and then they did Chuck which was SO AMAZING HOLY CRAP

I love that song sm in the first place but I love it even more now upon seeing and hearing it in person. I recorded a bit of that one too and love it i watch that video like 3 times a day

So then they had another short Ment where they taught us the dance to Chuck and Soonyoung doing the “brrrr” part was so adorable I wanted to die. (I feel like Im talking about Soonyoung a lot but im just so glad he was able to perform in Toronto ilysm)

So then Vernon was like “I actually have some bad new for yall” and all the members were like ‘whaaat??’ and pretending to be shocked

So Vernon goes on: “The next song is actually the last song for the night” and Soonyoung made this fake crying noise and then dabbED LIKE 5 TIMES

That was when he went over to Jihoon and dabbed right in front of him and then was like “Oh my god our last song?”

and then Vernon being the cheeky ass that he is was like “Yeah and I really dont wanna cry about it” and then him and Soonyoung went to the back of the stage to “cry” and all the other members were “crying”

Then Vernon came back and like “I wonder what our next song is tho? Hm????” and im like really bitch

So Soonyoung yelled ‘are you ready’ a few times and then they performed Don’t Wanna Cry which was INCREDIBLE 

They were all in perfect sync like im seriously amazed. These boys probably have to practice day and night to get dances like that. It was amazing

So the boys left the stage for a bit and there was a another vcr which was of all the member explaining what carats were to them and it was really sweet and my friend cried again (she cried like 3 times that night) and I died at Jihoons bc there was this short clip of him and hes just so darn cute

so they came out again and performed Shining Diamond but were wearing casual jeans and half were wearing blue shirts and the other half were wearing pink shirts and Soonyoung looked so good in that outfit bc his shirt was tucked in in the front and his hair was just so great

anyways they all looked like they had fun performing that song and Soonyoung was yelling as usual and there was one part of the dance that was super satisfying bc all the colors of the shirts lined up and it was just really nice to look at. 

And then they performed Healing which we had special banners to hold up during. There was one part I remember bc I couldnt see bc everyone was holding their banners above their heads, but Seungcheol jumped onto Mingyus back and koala hugged him for a good minute and a half and Mingyu kept trying to get him off and Seungcheol just smiled like an idiot and latched on. Eventually he got down and then grabbed his water bottle and dumped half of it onto the people in the front(splash zone)

So once that song ended, Toronto Carats had actually prepared something special for Seventeen. So certain seats had a red board on it that you would hold up after Healing ended but only so many seats had them so it made a message in the crowd and I think it was just 2 hearts and ‘1 7′ and the members looked really surprised like Vernon and Minghao were next to each other and were like :O

Seungcheol and Jeonghan looked really shocked too, overall none of them expected it

So then the goodbye ments came and I was ready to die as soon as they started. They all said the similar kind of thing like “we had a good time we’ll come again soon ect…” 

But Minghao’s was all in english and it was the cutest damn thing i have ever heard in my life. He started out with “Today I am so happy because of our Toronto Carats energy.”

and then says the cutest shit ever: “We are like friends. We look after each other and love each other” He also kept looking over at Vernon to make sure he was saying it right

and then he said something like “we care for each other” and the fkcigingf df went “and everyone, don’t be sick. Always be happy okay?” IN LIKE THE CUTEST WAY POSSIBLE I WANTED TO SCREAM I MEAN I PROBABLY DID BUT STILL

and then I only remember Chan saying something like “We’ll be back soon, and when we are you have to promise that you’ll come to our show” and then Soonyoung and Seungcheol held out their pinkies for us to promise them and I held my pinky bc I damn promise if they come to Toronto again I will be seeing them for sure. Or I’ll try my best anyways

and they all gave us hearts and said they loved us and did a bow and then all had to leave the stage and I almost cried;;

I remember Soonyoung was the last to leave the stage bc he kept waving and saying goodbye

Also I remember a person sticking their hand out one last time and it was kind funny bc I just see this random hand pop out for like a split second. I didn’t know who it was at the time, but I later found out it was Dokyum :3

So yeah, he’s not my bias, but Soonyoung made my night

Anyways. I’m still having post-concert depression. Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to listen to another seventeen song again without crying. All in all, it was one of the best nights of my life and if it wasn’t for my best friend who bought the tickets and surprised me with them and her mom who drove us up the whole long way. Highlight of my summer. 

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 11 - “I Was Able To Dodge That Bullet” - VILMA

I literally look like the biggest boo boo the fool right now. Like I’m so cocky and stupid and tumblr survivor makes me want to eat glass

https://youtu.be/GAe_c8bHBjc

Okay honestly, after that tribal, I feel fucking awesome, and so many people still have no idea what happened First off, Jared I am so sorry that you believed my PMs during Tribal that I thought I had the votes to get out Nicole.. I knew one of you would play something, and I high key would not be surprised if Nicole ended up actually having another big ticket advantage sitting in her pocket from ghost island, but im going to wait on that concept for now until i see something from them. Maybe we can flush another advantage out of their pockets? lmao I am protecting Jared's role in this for as long as I possibly can, and Roxy's too. I had Dan hammering me for who told about the plan, and then ofc Alex wanted to know too, but he can eat a dick for all I care (in the context of the game of course.... love him to death as a person), and I'm just not going to tell anyone. I want Jared to maintain all the relationships he has on a 100% trust basis, so that way if he feels like he's gotta tell me something, he's going to be able to have that information I had to fill Regan in, and I know she is still 100% on my side because she is being VERY open about who she wants out after what happened this round. Dan? I really really want to trust him again, and I think I cut a huge tie of his removing Ricky from the game, and now I have to give him a little bit of what he wants.. I want to pick his brain and really see his top choice of who he wants to go this round, and I am going to try to help him be successful in that move, so that he can trust me. I really want him to say that he wants to go for someone, and for me to 100% support him on it. It's going to be one of the biggest leaps hopefully, in his eyes, that I trust him again and I've got his back.. As for Asya, who was another one who I was surprised about.. She doesn't know that I know yet, that she spilled our alliance to Ricky, and that Ricky dished that information back to Dan, and THAT is another reason as to why Dan didn't trust me, so I'm keeping my eye on that for now, but I really just want Asya to trust me also. I knew I needed Asya and Dan back on my side the MOST after this entire debocle, and by getting rid of Ricky, which cuts off both of their ties with a strong player, I draw them closer to me, and them seeing me as one of their bigger options. The best thing with Asya too is that we had a legitimately genuine conversation about how we could get closer and we should open up more about our personal lives and not even get to know each other on a game level, just because this is our second game going deep together, and I want to get to know her y'know!!! I think my position is definitely a million times better than it was before tribal, but I'm definitely not out of the weeds yet. Dan and Asya seem to be back and genuine with me, and I know Jared isn't going to just save me one round, and then take me out the following round. It'd be foolish, so i think I've got that relationship too, along with my strong allegiances with the people I've already been working with, knew about every facet of that move, and still trust me (i.e. Augusto, Roxy, Vilma, Regan). I know that my chances of making it to the end are getting smaller and smaller because what I did to protect myself, and HOW I pulled the move off really impressed my closest allies, and I know the gold medal is a lot more appealing when there's 6-7 people left in the game than loyalties, so I know my chances are already shot, especially because the only people I think would actually want me to go to the end with them are Augusto and Vilma, and even then is a bit of a stretch, so now it's just a game of how deep I can get and how well I can play off everything that's just happened....... As for my next move? Literally chop Alex's head off with a machete until he's into a million pieces, cooked in the shitty ass pot we've been using for 34 days, and then be gone :) 1. Telling me at tribal that we weren't going to rocks LIVE to try to get me to change my idol play was a MOOD. Alex is dead ass one of the worst liars ever, and if you know you can't let things come out of your mouth and be 100% confident you're being convincing with what you're saying, then leave it over text.. like lol 2. Looking like his dog fucking died when I played my idol was priceless, but also extremely telling of how badly he wanted me out 3. Lying to me the entire day and not telling me about the vote...... bitch bye 4. Saying "ha ha" when I said "final two my ass" when the votes were being read 5. RE ENFORCING THE F2 WE HAD FOUR DAYS BEFORE THIS TRIBAL COUNCIL HAPPENED...... literally such an lol So yea. I think I have more. I definitely would have to go back in my host chat, but in the realm of the game, everything Alex has done has made me want nothing more than for him to go, and the best thing about this entire concept is that I think there are people on "the other side" who would not mind voting out Alex either because his social game kinda sucks and he's a liability to keep around because he is the entire reason the Dan blindside got blown up, and I know Jared was pissed about that.. The reasons are too good, but now it's just if I can pull it off. At the end of the day, I'm on cloud nine after that last tribal, and it's time to go to work to see if I can make a thing or two more go my way.. I'm just trying to survive as long as I can and continue to have fun playing the game, bc tbh, I'm having a fucking blast right now lmao

(A LITTLE LATER)

THIS IS ALSO ANOTHER REALLY FUNNY MOOD BIG PRO OF RICKY GOING HOME WAS THAT I DIDN'T HAVE REGAN COME BACK TO RICKY SAYING "oh yea johnny said in the main chat that you wanted me out by accident" BC I DID DO THAT, BUT NOW RICKY ISN'T HERE TO TELL THE TALE Hopefully Regan isn't mad at me and finds out about it at some point, but Ricky said he didn't even pick up on it when I said it the first time lmao oops? Ready for this auction tomorrow!!!!!!

I stan trying our best to win things in the auction, only to win absolutely nothing. I am laughing so hard haha my life Is falling apart, I can't even get an idol, Nicole goes to Ghost Island. I am literally shook. It's not really bad for my game? And I feel like I'm good at Touchy Subjects? Idk, I'm just hoping I make single digits. As far as my game goes, I'm gonna try to be super social this round and make up some time. I want to get back with Johnny and Augusto and really form a bond with them again because I feel kinda bad about the last round, but also not at the same time?? dflkjdaslkfdj idk? I feel like this game is picking up and I really like where I'm sitting.

that auction sucked

https://youtu.be/vrhmDKxdB7w

I forgot to make a confessional again. Anyways, so the true tea is I have no clue what is going on in this game at this point. I’m pretty sure I’m the weakest competitor here? Which is fun because nobody will go for me heh heh heh heh, and this round they can’t anyway because I am on GHOSF ISLAND! It’s very lonely here and Isaac has not yet let me play the game but it’d be super cute if I got something else that I could will to Jared because I think he might be in trouble this round. We are going to hang out with Johnny today in person and I CANT talk about the game with either of them which is a blessing because I feel like it’s all they would talk about with me. Anyways I think everyone knows....I’m not giving my 100% effort to this game right now. But once I tackle this depression and my hair grows out and I lose ten pounds and get my ghost island game and get an idol and idol out Johnny even though he’s immune and Johnny drags Vilma and Dan out with him so I don’t have to ever vote Dan out, it’s over for your bitches. Straight up.

https://youtu.be/3rwZpqAyoUE

This round should be interesting? I kinda feel good? But I’m not entirely sure obviously. I feel like I have no other play but be with Augusto, Johnny, and Vilma. I feel like I could get closer to Jared, but I’m tired of playing the middle. I feel like I’m doing okay for not even doing well in any of these challenges. I’m trying not to be too much of a comp threat this game. I love my edgic being INV this round probably bc I’m not doing shit

I think my name has been completely worked out of the discussion for this round. I hope that's accurate, if not... good on everyone. Now I just have an important game altering decision to make. Augusto or Alex? Well, it turns out Regan might be idoling Augusto? Which is good I guess, but if Alex plays an idol too, THEN WHAT. So I could throw my vote on Dan, with the potential of it going to a tied vote. If I got rocked out because of that?? Never forgiving myself. I don't know what I'm going to do quite yet, but I have less than 40 mins to figure it out. The other thing is that I could be getting votes and look like an even bigger idiot for making this confessional. Oof. Okay let's take a look-see at the numbers. Johnny, Augusto, Roxy, *Regan- Alex Alex, Asya, Dan, Vilma- Augusto * = unsure. I could weaken Dan tremendously here by taking out Alex, but I'm also taking out someone who I've been loyal to the whole time. I have built a lot of trust with Johnny by leaking last rounds vote, and I literally met him and Ryan from Mykonos with Nicole today in Times Square. And then Disney Amanda and Steffen showed up. Iconic? I am partial to testing Johnny's trust, but, I don't really trust him at all. I really really trust Roxy though, which could be a huge mistake. I see her and Asya as frontrunners at this point. Anyways this is getting rambling but this game is a MESS and I feel like a sapphire-idoly boii Tune into tribal, it could very well be a good one folks.

Aaaaalright last round was such an emotional rollercoaster I had to skip confessionals to avoid having to cringe at them afterwards. Here's a recap: Earlier I was told rumors that Johnny had been talking around telling several people that Dan and I wanted to vote Nicole out, which I don't ever recall telling to anybody so when I heard about the rumors I was obviously suuuper confused. Days went by and I had heard from multiple different people that Johnny was the one to start those rumors but I remained suspicious, because I couldn't really see a good enough motive for Johnny to do that. People kept telling me that he has a tendency of wanting to play the puppet master and wanting to shake things up and cause drama between people. I didn't want to believe it but since nobody ever came forward to deny the rumors I decided to keep my eye on him. Next tribal I heard Johnny was getting targeted, and originally I was trying to see if there was any way I could save him from going home, but I knew Dan was unhappy with the Johnny rumors and would likely flip to take him out, so I decided it would be smart of me to go along with the majority and sacrifice him. I also saw him as a big threat, so even though I genuinely like him, I didn't think it would have been a horrible thing from my perspective if he went home. But a little over an hour before tribal Johnny comes forward to tell me that he has an idol! Plus he asked me permission to pretend it was the idol I found from Takamaka. I WAS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK because I ended up somehow unwillingly positioned in the middle of this whole mess and whatever I decided to do I would end up backstabbing someone and making them angry. I was having a major breakdown in my host chat but let's not talk about that. Then Johnny asked me to actually vote HIM so people wouldn't suspect we were working together....... O-M-G. That plan sounded perfect; I wouldn't have to backstab anyone and I would have a chance to get out of a shitty situation without too much blood on my hands. Johnny tried to make me change my vote to Nicole last minute but I refused and voted Johnny anyways to keep on everyone's good side, whoops. I was also pretty happy Johnny decided to idol Ricky out, since I never talked to him too much and he was close to Dan and Asya, who I hope will now more likely rely on my help if they ever need extra numbers to make a move. After the vote I tried to clear things up with Dan, Asya and Johnny and I think nobody is too angry at me anymore which is nice. I was afraid I'd end up in the middle of a huge drama and I'd like to consider myself a drama-free person so phew I'm so happy I was able to dodge that bullet. Okay this confessional is already super long I think I'm writing a separate one about this round see you soon HEHE.

I’ll make a more in depth one soon but some people are trying it tonight and like... where has this trying energy been all game (@Alex) because it jumped out all of a sudden! If I do go home tonight, I think I’ve played a solid game thus far and had a pretty good experience as people such as Johnny, Vilma, Regan, Dan, Roxy, and even Jared sometimes have been awesome to me and made things fun! ❤️

okay uhm confessional time i----- I won immunity, which was awesome. The killer touchy subjects strategy of putting what you think the majority is going to say both times came in CLUTCH In terms of the touchy subjects answers? nothing really surprises me. being predicted to be voted out next just makes the most sense since seven people just voted for me.. so I understand why i got that one. I should've put myself too tbh, but I think I got the more intuitive ones correct, so that made me feel kinda good Tonight's tribal? I'm praying Alex goes home.. The kid still hasn't come to me about voting for me, after swearing up down left and right a f2 with me, and I find it kinda shookening, especially since his name is going around tonight, and I'm genuine when I say that if he just approached me, I probably wouldn't have been so hellbent on wanting him out, but oh well.. i hope he goes I know Augusto is getting the other bulk of the votes? I'm not SUPER sure who is voting where.. i've heard dan is being a dickhead again and he might go for augusto. I know Regan might be playing her idol on Augusto at tribal, which would be #dramaaaaaaaaaa and I really hope that this is alex or asya maybe playing a vote steal to get the numbers on their side, because then regan would LEGITIMATELY have to play the idol.. oh well, we'll see. she said she'd play it on him also in other news, I hungout with Jared and Nicole IRL, and because we RESPECT the game that's going on, when we were walking around the city, I spent a lot of time talking to Jared about today's vote and how arbitrary it's been for us to be on opposite sides, and guaranteeing that if we joined together that there'd be nothing stopping us, and then he offered me a 100% f3 with him, that we'd try to get to the end of the game together. I am 100% planning on accepting it with the intended purpose of keeping it true. I just hope that it isn't one of those things where he's like "oh yea we're not going to vote you" but then votes out all of my closest allies instead and im stuck in the game getting dragged to finals via jared's strategic play, but honestly, I believe the man. He seemed very genuine, and if he isn't being genuine, then he's a snake and it is what it is anywhom.. praying augusto stays and nothing bad happens to him. alex going would be best for my game, especially because I just think he deserves what's coming to him after how last round went with him and I, and the excuses he made for breaking our f2

I trust no one but Johnny fuck everyone. Fuck wasting my idol. But I have to  Jared and Johnny both told me to play it so he res to that

[leaving-all-of-it]

I guess everything is somewhat catching up with me or something, I dont know.

I’m so tired.

I was looking for something to eat a while ago for a snack, and idk I just sat down and looking around my new little place (no longer at the shelter now) and I sat there and cried. I dont even know what I feel. I don’t know how to process what I feel.

I dont know how to even think honestly, everything just feels.. weird. Foggy and heavy and overwhelming. Tense. It all feels tense inside my whole body. And on the verge of panic, it feels like. Obviously anxiety spiked up a ton.

I don’t think I did ever cry at the shelter... did I ? hmm. I feel like maybe I did once. I dont remember when. or what over. But I definitely dont think more than that once.

And it wasn’t in the initial first days I got there either. Despite how terrified I was the first night there. How badly I just wanted to go “home” and wanted my old bedroom and bed back. How close to tears I was. I didn’t end up crying that first night. Even though it was so scary crawling into that shelter bed that night; stretching out my bathrobe underneath me to try and soften the bed even a little. I didn’t cry even though someone stole my pillow the second day. I was just disappointed and irritated. 

I didnt cry when I was so freaked out hearing back quickly from the transitional housing place (where I am now) thats connnected with the shelter. I was freaking out that I didnt feel ready to leave the shelter yet.

idk.

I dont know what Im feeling. I dont know what Im thinking. Everything just feels like a heavy foggy weight all over my body and mind and breathing feels weird. The breathing part I absolutely know is anxiety. Its a very familiar feeling. its how bad anxiety feels for me most of the time. an uneasiness in my stomach, discomfort and almost.. jittering in my back and shoulders. tension everywhere. tension that feels like buzzing or jittering. 

I guess its probably everything catching up with me.

im trying to gather my thoughts and put words to the feelings or make sense of any of it. 

when I was crying on the floor curled up looking at my lonely little apartment, my mind was like.. swimming. i dont think racing quite describes it because it was.. idk more muddled than that. thoughts and feelings just swam around and so many slid past like covered in thick fog or something. couldnt quite fully catch what the feelings were just vague thoughts about everything. things from dad being dead, having lived at a shelter, the fact im here now, guilt over maybe not deserving this assistance Im getting since my situation was loadss better than other women ive met and I have a nicer apartment here than some of them, fear of living alone, knowing my dad would be very disapproving of who I am today an so much that ive done and believe, the fact I was abused as a kid and everything

idk

im so tired

ive been getting to bed so late lately

im trying to slowly grasp some sort of sense of normalcy and create some sort of routine. now that im in an apartment and not the shelter. at least there there was the routine of lunch and dinner at set times. already made. just show up and have some and eat with the other women and socialize. after a while it wasnt so bad there most of the time, even when my days varied greatly it felt more routine and okay

but now its like... I have to move on with my life I guess. its not longer like crisis... im in an actual house. its mine. for now. so now I have to find something to... DO with my life. Im not working or in school. I need to find stuff to fill my time, some way to create a routine and not go crazy. 

I also have plenty of STUFF I have to do... even besides all the stuff of moving in and settling in and moving stuff out of storage etc etc. gotta update my health card, send a letter off to pensions, change my addresses, get a dentist appt next week!! which I am also so freaked out about

I have to learn to budget properly and figure out supporting myself on the little I have from social assistance. feed myself on it. cook, actually eat what I cook. eat healthily. clean up after myself and stay organized.

idk

eerything is so much

its really scary and weird feeling the space im in right now

not technically in crisis anymore but... just this weird limbo where im almost in shock im not at the shelter anymore and now life has to go on somehow. i have my OWN place which is exhilerating but also... terrifying. im an adult. im REALLY an adult now. I have to REALLY be an adult now. I have to be EXTRA all grown up, and live on my own.

idk

everything is so scary. im so scared. i am SO overwhelmed. Ive been kind of numb last little bit I guess and since moving in tuesday. Ive also been somewhat keeping busy. out shopping for groceries all day wedndesday. getting food from moms thursday. 

it gets lonely here in the evenings though. and boring. but like.. the weird depression boredom too. where its hard to feel enjoyment from anything. prison break isnt even really keeping me interested at all right now. managed about half of a walking dead episode before losing all interest in it too. 

Outsiders fanfictions are the only thing really keeping me going right now. and im also almost constantly listening to music. to keep some noise while here alone and not feel so lonely and stuff. I dont want quiet. need that noise.

im so tired.

i should probably go sleep.

at least I like my bed. its not really comfortable right now until I invest in a real good foam topper, but its a DOUBLE bed which is a novelty for me since ive always had a single bed. I decorated it all nice too and since I dont have curtains yet for over the blinds in my bedroom ive been hanging towels from the top bunk around my bed to keep it dark and that feels nice and secure. so I do like my bed. the bedding they gave me is so pretty too. and I have 4 pillows now. its really nice. its still hard to sleep lately though. hence goign to sleep so late. I stay out of bed completely until im exhauuusted and cant do it anymore. usuallyl still play around on my phone for too long after getting in bed too though

sigh

idk

i guess i should go soon

getting more stuff I need from moms for over here tmrw

mom and best friend havent seen it yet. excited for mom to come see it. dont really want best friend to sleep over for a while yet though. i feel like I really need to get adjusted to being here first. alone. the way I had to at the shelter. it took a few weeks but I did. and I know I need that now too. 

alright I guess better stop now.... idk what else to say

this was just kind of a total freewrite blab since I was freaking out intenrally after crying i feel like such crap

i feel al ittle better putting some stuff down now just it in my head

i hope someone reads it I guess

if you do like please maybe? just so I know and feel a little heard or something idek

[frop]

do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m 

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them 

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later 

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7 

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World -  A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe 

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends 

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out 

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically  Unlovable 

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless 

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao 

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips 

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day 

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar 

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently 

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me 

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already 

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is 

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser 

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire 

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats 

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each 

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying 

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better 

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist 

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy 

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows 

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy 

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,, 

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico 

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat 

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums 

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are 

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any 

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh 

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs 

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea 

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks 

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm 

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put 

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather 

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball 

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon 

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!! 

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise 

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever 

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope 

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon 

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it 

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders 

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it 

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough 

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre 

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”. 

[s3venpounds]

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors 

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? 

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no. 

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy 

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point. 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah! 

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah 

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him  le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope 

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? 

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music