#i am absolutely lonely all the time and im tired of being single i want love too even if im messed up...

[imagoodone-iswear]

i wonder when i finally get to have a shot to feel loved and safe with someone i adore...

[whumpshaped]

can i get enthralled for vampire bingo? O.O

this was the last bingo prompt in my inbox! im always open to more :) its some more mundane whump. just some idle time. i wrote so much enthrallment already, so i decided to just make it the topic of this one

masterlist bingo card

tw vampire whumper, dehumanisation, lots of talk about mind control

"You said you'd never taken a human without magic before."

"I did say that, yes."

Beck poked at his evening fill of macaroni with his fork, pretending he was more interested in that than the question he was about to ask. He was very casual about the question, obviously. It was just a little chat over dinner. "Why'd you do it this time?"

"Why..." Helle shifted on the other end of the sofa, putting down the rubik's cube they were fiddling with. Beck glanced at it briefly — one side of it was all blue, but the rest were mishmash. "Forgive me for saying this, but I doubt you would understand the situation I had been in before I made that decision. You know... like not being able to have a single meaningful conversation because everybody is affected by your magic to an unhealthy degree, essentially forcing them to change their entire personality and all their values to please you."

Beck nodded. "Yeah, no, that's... not very familiar."

"I had a hunch. But let us explore this fantasy for a moment. I assume you would immediately use those powers to do... whatever the hell you wanted. Because you can. Nobody is objecting. Nobody is saying no to you. In fact, everybody is very eager to do whatever it takes to make you interested in them."

"But it's wrong."

"Yes. It is. But I also left out the part where your only options are this, or severe malnourishment that actually leaves you unable to obtain even the lesser quality food you had been eating up until that point."

Beck stared at his macaroni. Would he have wanted to eat it if it was sentient? Would he have wanted to make it want to be eaten? Well, if the other option was to have it kick and scream... possibly, yes. Thankfully, his macaroni was wonderfully unfeeling.

Plus, this entire monologue was supposed to eventually lead to why Helle wanted their macaroni to scream. "Sorry," he muttered. "Go on."

"So you do that for centuries. You enthrall people, you feel like you are on the very top of the world. Nobody can touch you." They paused for a moment, and Beck looked up to see them smiling at him. "Now, does it not sound a bit lonely? Is it not natural to want to be touched?"

"I still can't touch you." He turned back to his dinner and took a bite, and he found he felt less worried about stating that than he probably should've. Maybe the constant fear had tired him out. Made him numb. "You're a vampire. You're faster, stronger..."

"Oh, but you can. You absolutely can. You choose not to." The concept almost made Helle giddy from the sound of it, like it was revolutionary. "You can sit here and tell me that I am wrong. You could throw that entire plate of pasta at me. You choose not to, because yes, maybe I would get out of the way, or maybe I would shove your face into a pot of boiling water and make some Beckaroni, but you could."

Great. As if his appetite had been amazing before. He really needed the image of Beckaroni in his head.

He put the plate on the coffee table and sat back. "Okay. Fine. I could. If you're so interested in me having a choice, why are you taking it away anyway? Why are you doing all this? You do nothing but intimidate me into going along with whatever you want. At this point you could just enthrall me."

"Oh, so I am only allowed to spend immortality without getting so bored that I want to stake myself if I then respect all the humans I choose not to enthrall."

"I mean– I mean, yes! Yes, that's actually what I'm saying. Otherwise it's fucking cruel."

Helle considered him for a moment, actually thinking about his words before they responded. "I suppose with the information you have been given, that is quite a reasonable conclusion to reach. I have left out another important detail." They looked Beck in the eye, their expression darkening in a way he couldn't even explain. It was like the air was being sucked out of his lungs as they stared him down, making him tremble and immediately wish for the easy atmosphere back. "I am cruel. I want you to have those choices specifically so I can take them away from you in a more thrilling way that is fun for me, and me only."

~

taglist: @whumpsday @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @florissimps @nicolepascaline @oliversrarebooks @the-cyrulik @pirefyrelight @there-will-always-be-blood @pigeonwhumps @echo-goes-mmm @whumpycries

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

[basilquesadilla]

Just a warning, this post is just a rant/vent with about 0 organization, and may also have some mild, vague spoilers.

Watched Heartstopper season 2 with a friend last night, and I think this time that show really hit me hard and made me feel super single with my aromanticism, even with Issac there. I really enjoyed spending time with my friend, but I got sad because my thoughts were going “This isn’t forevee, you’ll be back to being alone soon.” Watching issac feel awkward amongst his own friend group felt so relatable, anf I resonated with that hard.

I feel like my aromanticism is just something I’m constantly going up and down with how I feel about it. I’ll feel great about it for a bit, then i wont feel hood about it at all for a while, which is getting tiring to experience. I often try to attach queerplatonic/platonic meaning to romantic songs, and i tried to do that with the song that played in the final scene where Charlie talks about the bullying he experienced and what it was like. But i couldn’t do it. There’s not even anyone I’ve met that i’d wanna be in a queerplatonic relationship with, aside from a few where i knew there was no chance. I just felt so lonely so I couldn’t even listen to it.

One thing that doesn’t help me is I feel so touch starved yet I’m also often touch-averse, likely due to the former. It took me nearly a.year with my current friends who I met last year to even do hugs, and I doubt it’ll ever go beyond that because i feel like people never show their friends that much physical affection. Especially since, even if i am non binary, i still look like a cis man right now. And I know a lot of people would find like doing any physical affection with me because of that probably, and I’m touch averse so what does it matter anyways lol. It’s just a torturous limbo lol.

My friend was saying how the show made them want to reinstall dating apps, and meanwhile after the show I had to tune my thoughts out with TikTok and listening to other music to avoid my thoughts.

Another thing that hurts is(this is some long context that i need to add) is that after high school ended, i really didnt get to keep in contact with a lot of my friends(Ik that’s common but bear with me). I’d watch some of them thriving and finding friends despite it being 2020 fall semester where covid was still in its full swing in terms of impact on uni, and meanwhile I was alone. I was severely depressed, and lonely. Because no one i met in my courses with other engineering majors clicked with me(the classes were pre reqs for me as a computer science major). So then I got more lonely, and sophomore year was a repeat.

Final week of school that 2nd year i even decided i couldn’t take talking to even my online friends community aside from 2-3 close friends there. Then junior year happens, and i met my current friends. And of course i love them and everything. But i also have this voice in my head saying that the repeat will happen post graduation. We’ll all go to different places, and then they’ll talk to me less and less, and eventually I’ll just feel lonely and isolated again, and be back to thinking some very dark thoughts. And it’s terrifying. And i guess watching heartstopper s2 reminded me of all that, even tho i absolutely adored it still. All i could think in the back of my head was “you will never experience affectionate touch like this. You will never be able to be in a romantic relationship,’or a queerplatonic one. You’ll be lonely and your friends won’t always be there with you.”

So yeah, here I am, back to feeling shitty about being aromantic and hating it. Because instead of feeling the yearning, crushing, and relationships like others. Instead of feeling physical affection like others. Instead of being able to see a future with a partner. All im experiencing right now is bitterness at my lot in life and how i feel like all my friends will slowly leave me, and i won’t be able to make new ones because I suck at doing that as shown by the 2 years before meeting my current ones. And that just makes me feel depressed. I honestly feel kinda broken and hopeless. Aro and thus a lot of relationship options are cutoff from me, cant find people I’d want to enter a queerplatonic relationship with, AND have trouble with making friends. It just feels like I’m destined to be lonely, and ik it isnt supposed to be a factor in that, but it does feel like being aromantic plays a role in this whole mess for me rn. And i hate that.

If you read to the end of this, ty and I greatly appreciate you :) 💛

[crater-lake]

146

8/11/24

I could not decide where to put this writing specifically because of the context of the day. My one goal for right now is to get writing on the computer because I am feeling aimless and bizarre and I am wondering about not being on my phone. I am also having trouble deciding how to spend my downtime because it feels so sacred. Or limited. Because some limited things do not become more valuable, they become worthless, when there is one of them, like the last person of a culture. What is making it difficult to write is how I am checking Grindr every 5 seconds because my want is mobilizing and I feel alone and it drowns the loneliness when something sharper. I do not know. Beautiful thoughts people want to listen to aren't around for me right now. And the lack of organization within what I am writing also feels not worth forgiving. Imagine squandering everything just to be who you are - it doesn't feel like there is anything more laughable. But I will maybe remember some of what has happened to me the last couple of days because I actually have the time to think today.

Last night, I stayed up one whole extra hour so that I could be on Grindr and I was waiting for someone to come to want me but nobody came to want me. I was so frustrated that it was hard to function and even this morning, the first thing I did was check the app to see if anybody had been wanting to me. What is fun about human reasoning is that sometimes you are not loved enough or sometimes you are not hungry and both things can gouge you. Right now, I am making effort to focus on what I am writing because I have decided to turn off my phone for 10 minutes. I felt surprised last night that I could not get anyone to come to see me because I think I am attractive.

Today Ananya and I went to Metuchen Diner with her dad and she explained her current living situation to him. He had initially reacted by saying she hadn't done enough and I told him that he was not listening, even if he thinks he was giving her respect. It was interesting to disagree with him and to observe his miscommunication with her in real time. I felt glad to be there to defend her and that I also provided structure to the conversation itself because Ananya feared that the conversation would go awkward otherwise. I was talking about growing older with your parents and how one must do things despite and for the exhaustion. That motions gives way to more motion, more motion. And that being expert in transition is being God. We all remember as children when we were not tired every single day. Now we are tired every single day. Her dad reminds me of Dad, because of how they are both hardworking and intelligent. I am hoping she finds a way to fix her housing situation because she deserves peace. She loves me so much and I am absolutely saved by that. It makes me the most me I have ever been.

I am also thinking that many if not most of my friendships feel on mute because of the infrastructure adulthood. Noname said that happiness is a lonely road and I might want to finish that sentence. No one got me birthday cards or gifts. This afternoon, I was going through my old things in the basement because I have like 9 boxes and I was finding old birthday and graduation cards. It was making me sad.

While I remember, there are few things I would like to do before I go to sleep tonight and wake up at 6:00am in order to go to Tarrytown for work. I need to pack my suitcase and fold my clothes, get my bags and toiletries together (including the skincare that I forgot) and I want to tidy up my room a little bit. If I gather these things tonight, my morning will be easier.

While I was writing that paragraph, I was feeling upset that I have not been planning more conscious and intelligent writing because while it is useful to journal, to become 'better' requires genuine arbitration, thought, and tact. Writing freestyle reminds me I have a voice but adult writers suck and only listen to beautiful people. Imagine me singing out-of-tune because it is mine and people love me not because I am out-of-tune but because I am me. So this is me announcing that I will be even more radically accepting of myself because I am sitting here typing this what feels to be quite consciously. And that this exists just to silently pay homage to this exact person typing who is unfortunately equally as important as every other infinite iteration.

While I was going through my old things in the basement, I was remarking at all of the random notebooks and worksheets that served such a small, miniscule purpose that I feel inclined to save. I remember other students throwing out whole notebooks and folders at the end of the school year and I just could not understand that for the life of me. I have things about the Ottoman Empire, and your learning style, and the Guidance Award that I won. The senator signed it, or they put the Senator's signature on it.

I was remembering High School. I won a trip to Ecuador and felt huge. I ran the second best Freshman time in Cross Country in my school's history. I was at several School Board Meetings for accolades. I was in the school orchestra and I wrote poetry and have copious notes of writing other languages and thinking at length about the construction of meeting. I was remembering college and saw a Rutgers Honors Program folder and felt glimpses of that long hope you feel at the beginning of something. In reconciling that with the present, I feel resigned and let down by my apparent lack of engagement with Rutgers. I was asked to be in the Honors Program and I do remember how absolutely huge that felt- trying to understand what requirements meant and looked like. I was quite terrified of the Capstone and it was fine. I moved to Spain and came back and it was fine. I am quite stunned and perplexed by the temporality of everything and the extreme amount of experiences that I hold within me. And I wish that more experiences did not devalue the experiencing of newnesses but it just does. This is just mathematics. I remember all of that hope and how arresting it was. I am glad that I am in the after of that because of the hugeness of everything. I had a lot of potential and now I am an expert lover who will be a poet.

It is kind of insane that I write that last sentence as I contemplate going to give some random dude head because of Grindr. I am trying to ask myself not what it means, but what happened. Poets who are adults write poems for each other.

I'm More Alive Than I Am Afraid

"To alchemize atrocious times into poems to help metabolize us..."

"Trying to be a death worker..."

"To be buoyed..."

To Ananya; I'm More Alive Than I Am Afraid

I just decided to write a poem or try to write a poem which is what writing a poem is with the title of the above. It is not that good but at least I did something instead of consume.

This is the third time that I downloaded Grindr in the hour because I am still wanting. Or my wanting wants to want. I am bored of saying that too. At least I know I am very exhausted. I have tried to do anything. Imagine that.

I added this after the original posting but I did want to mention that I saw Murod Saturday morning on Grindr and immediately messaged him and I got his nudes and he told me that I induced anxiety in him and that he was in the mood to bottom and then he drove away from Metuchen (I do not know why he was there) to Philadelphia (which is information that I do not know the reason that I have) and that was that. He said that my body made him horny. That was cool. I do not care about this so much that I only write about it now. I wonder what I could be doing if I did not devote myself to missing the missing.

[wistfulwatcher]

Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

[p1nkwitch]

For the writing asks: 3, 5, 6, and 14?

3- What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Oh this- listen i have an entire universe for this whole thing with several branching timelines.

Its originally planned with an oc that i have that i ship with Elias and Peter. But im not going to put her here, cause that implies writing the entire thing with her in it and-

Well its a lot. Like its seriously a lot.

So to simplify the whole thing I'm going to omit her.

Anyways this universe in particular-

I love this verse.

Jon is having an existential crisis.

Which for him its not new, but this is taking the cake perhaps for all the wrong reasons he can think of.

His day started normal, then it got bad when Martin was gone with Peter Lukas. He had been about to confront them, talking with Elias first-

But the next thing he knew is that they were no longer there.

Elias, Peter, Martin and himself were all sprawled out in some backyard.

The noise seemed to attract attention from someone inside the house, he was about to try and defend himself saying he didn't mean to break in-

When the person that opens the door is no one else than Elias himself. A few more grey hairs along, but still absolutely him. He checks with the one next to him to confirm that yes it is a double. And not the stranger. He doesn't have-

He-

Jon would admit that he panicked, because where beholding should be, there was nothing.

Twenty minutes later has the five of them in the living room. His-

God he doesn't want to call him his Elias. So he would go for Elias and the other is just other Elias.

Is giving the older looking one an impressive glare.

“So…. When are you from exactly?” This was building up to be a nightmare.

Elias and Martin start to ask questions and the man winces before shushing them.

“Not so loud, you will wake him” That makes everyone look confusedly at him.

“Wake who?”

“My-” Steps can be heard from the stairs.

“Dad?”

Jon is really losing it.

A boy, couldn't be more than… 5? Is looking at them holding a seal plushie. There is something very familiar about him.

Black hair, pale skin, light blue eyes and freckles-

Jon slowly turns around to look at Peter and has another startling revelation.

“Its ok Simon, i have visitors and they got rowdy” The boy looks at them and seems to become smaller and smaller, he darts to the older Elias and starts to make hand signs, that he seems to get.

“I- ok, ok, yes, no. He will be back in a little bit with your sisters-”

Sisters??!!

Elias, the one he came with is looking more and more perturbed and lost. So its not only him.

“Ok, let me take you up, if you gentleman can wait without destroying the place…” He raises an eyebrow like a disappointed parent and despite being 30 years old and knowing he is a piece of shit, Jon can't help but slide back on his seat and nod.

His life is a bloody nightmare.

Other Elias picks up his-

His son

And goes up while talking to him. The child clings to his neck and hides his face there.

Other scene.

“What do you mean the powers are gone???”

“Mm, i mean that they are gone, i tried my ritual and my version of Jon just- did something and especially it cut off every last single avatar from the entities. The leading theory is that new avatars can be made, but those from before? We just cant use them anymore. Its the main reason why Peter’s family is convinced that Simon can help them bring back the lonely. The amount of times we had to keep them from kidnapping him its impressive”

“My- excuse me what???” Peter looks scandalized, his family would not-

“Peter… Do you think they would just take your kid if they thought that it would help them along with forsaken?” The other Elias gives him a tired and somewhat rueful look.

It sets something off in him so he looks to his Elias. He nods lightly and it makes him-

Angry? Being here is throwing him off.

The lonely… he can’t feel it, it's not muffling his feelings and its making him feels off.

5- What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

I would say... Peter? I was rather lonely as a child and preteen until i met my best friend. Too weird and my siblings and i got along, but we have a 10 year age gap difference so they had their own stuff to do. That made me be on my own a lot and explore around the house. His statement just hits right with me and i love to write him because of it.

I am also very anxious with people. If i know you i will have no issue, but alone and with strangers? I would rather disappear in a cloud of smoke. Peter is cheerful despite the lonely or maybe because of it. So i get being lonely too and identify with him.

Also when i do write him? Tim. Happy and cares a lot about a small group of people that he is close with? Loves his friend but can be mean?

I adore him.

Elias or Jon because i crave knowing stuff and deal with impostor syndrome about my achievements a lot so yeah!

Still its mainly the lonely sailor.

6- What character do you have the most fun writing?

Elias, but because i get to explore a lot of things and play around with him. He is fun to put in situations that are out of his control, or perhaps make him deal with feelings that he has repressed a long time.

He is my stress ball for writing.

Also i love his reactions to some of the things i put him though, making horny Elias always cracks me up.

Peter has a similar effect when I want to deal with some family dynamics and what it means to be lonely as i said before.

Mm also i want to write some Gerry but i need to wait a little bit longer for that ;)

14-At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Except for like 4 fics?

Its the last thing i put, i literally have to come up with one just as im about to post the story on ao3. And its usually whatever I can scrounge up from the story or a lyric line that i like and feel that fits.

I suck at naming stuff and giving summaries.

Everything i do name, is a reference to something else usually so titles are the pain of my existence.

[lgcyunhyeong]

hey there!! this is my first time in lgc and i’m super excited to be here! i’ve been eyeing this place for a while and i’m glad i finally mustered up the nerve to join. this is cho yunhyeong, 21, works part time at his local gs25. he’s been a trainee for little over a year and is hoping to eventually debut in a band! he plays the bass and sings a little bit, and he also wants to get into songwriting and composition eventually. he’s generally kind of a weird kid--super spacey, often distracted, your local space nerd--but he’s a good egg in spite of that. compared to some of the other trainees, he’s pretty aimless and chill, but he does genuinely love music and performing, so...!

you can find some more info about him on his about and background pages but they’re kind of messy so i’ll drop some quick facts about yunhyeong under the cut, along with some connection/plot ideas to hopefully kickstart things! if you’d like to plot, please hit like on this post and i’ll hop into your ims! i also have a discord if you prefer to plot there - just ask me for my username ♡

quick facts:

born and brought up in seoul - very local, most comfortable in his neighbourhood, the most exciting vacation he ever took was to busan (and it was #lit). his parents own the best hot pot restaurant in seoul, and yeah he’s biased but that doesn’t mean it’s not true! 

has an older brother currently in law school and their relationship is best described as ‘i tolerate you’. they’re complete opposites - his brother is super driven and loud and outgoing while yunhyeong is not so they’ve never really clicked beyond the fact that they are siblings and therefore are obligated to love each other

was the quiet kid growing up, had a very chill and subdued personality. didn’t really speak unless spoken too, didn’t play much with others. most of the time he kept to himself and focused on his hyperfixations - first, it was dinosaurs, and then space! and he’s been stuck with space ever since

his mom put him in music lessons when he was younger in hopes that a relatable hobby might help him make friends?? also that it’d work as a conversation starter but it didn’t because yunhyeong remained as weird and solitary as ever! he did fall in love with music as a result though

in high school he decided to branch out and make friends by starting a band - new age sexy aliens or NASA for short. his recruitment process was like: whoever shows up to join is part of the band! it worked out for the best since he and the band members got really close

they started off playing covers but then branched out into their own original music (yunhyeong helped write some of their lyrics). most of their songs used heavy space imagery and they were really pretty but also low key about aliens

yunhyeong loves aliens

nasa had a pretty dedicated fanbase both online and in their school! did well, were thriving, living their best lives and playing hella gigs, and then their lead singer got scouted by an entertainment company. it was the beginning of the end for them; the rest of the members went their own ways as well and the band officially disbanded in 2018 rip

yunhyeong started to busk on/off since he wasn’t attending university and didn’t really know what the heck else he wanted to do with his life outside of the band, and that’s where he got scouted by legacy! joined the company because like... well... why would he not...

wants to debut in a band if he can... and focus on songwriting and music composition as a secondary career path. he isn’t like... super motivated though? has always had issues with setting goals and being ambitious... he’s more like, eh, i’m just gonna go where life takes me! 

personality wise, he’s still a pretty quiet kid unless you get him talking about one of his interests, in which case he will never shut up EVER. he gets distracted easily and will sometimes zone out when you’re talking to him but has a good memory of like, the most random shit you wouldn’t expect him to recall

easygoing as hell, rarely gets riled up over anything. on the flip side, he doesn’t really come across as sincere (even though he almost always is!) in his emotions because people are like... hm... just feels fake. tries to stay as positive as he can and doesn’t dwell on stuff that might upset him. sometimes people think he’s shallow! but he has #deepthoughts. he just doesn’t share them

unmotivated when it comes to most things! has no goals, no ambition, doesn’t care much for academia or being forced to like, conform to things. his mom calls him a free spirit but she’s probably just making excuses for him. it’s more like he’s stuck in some sort of limbo?? scared of growing up but scared of being left behind. it’s complicated

he’s really a sweet guy though. a little odd - he’s not the best at showing affection and sometimes he can be really... strange? offbeat? you never know what the fuck is going on in his head. but he’s a Human Being Just Like You (sadly) and simply trying his best to live every day

connection/plot ideas:

he didn’t really have many friends growing up, but still - childhood friends! maybe you were the exception. maybe you didn’t mind that he was awkward and quiet and a little weird! maybe you tripped and fell on the playground and he gave you a star-patterned purple band aid and you decided you would die for him. who knows! 

friends in general who understand him and look @ him with fond exasperation... must be able to tolerate his antics. liking aliens is a bonus. jk, but he’s a sweet guy who loves his friends! please be kind to him

fans of his former band, nasa (or antis?). he was the bassist and a sub vocal and didn’t stand out too much compared to some of the other guys, but he always did the intros and he’ll happily talk about nasa all day! discuss the symbolism of their songs with him

exes? i genuinely cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want to date him but i feel like he’s had at least (1) relationship before... maybe you took a chance and after you started dating you were like, god, i’m running away

crushes, whether one-sided on his part or your part or reciprocated but you don’t know it yet?? he’s holding out for his alien bae but maybe you don’t know that and just think he’s like, this quiet mysterious pretty boy. maybe he thinks you’re cool for a human! 

fellow trainees who can play instruments... yunhyeong needs someone to #jam with because playing the bass alone is kind of lonely (and since he’d like to eventually get on the band track, making some connections would be cool) 

fellow trainees in general, especially ones in his training group!! he’s not as hungry for debut or as ambitious as some which means he’s a) non-threatening and b) chill to hang with. you could be into that or it could absolutely infuriate you since he doesn’t seem to be taking things seriously! maybe you think he doesn’t deserve to be here

met online on an alien enthusiast forum and you talk almost every single day about various theories and moves and all that kind of stuff but you’ve never met irl! and yunhyeong really wants to meet you in person! 

idk bully him 

you’re buying a bunch of weird shit from the convenience store where yunhyeong works at like 2 am and he has so many questions and won’t let you pay and leave until you answer them

alternatively, you find him sleeping on the job and you want to wake him up but the moment you touch his arm, he makes this high pitched screeching noise and you fall over and take an entire shelf of candy down with you

you invite yunhyeong out for drinks but he took one sip of soju and he’s a mess... you didn’t sign up to take care of a giant drunken baby but guess what! you will be! if he tries to kiss you, dodge him

you always bum free meals from yunhyeong’s parents’ restaurant because his parents think you’re his best friend. tbh you actually don’t really like him but he doesn’t realize it so he never bothers correcting his parents either!

you didn’t realize yunhyeong was allergic to cats and dogs and you brought your cat/dog near him and oh my god he is having the UGLIEST allergic reaction

yunhyeong can’t swim. you push him into a pool as a joke. chaos ensues

you play various video games together and yunhyeong is really good but he’s more interested in stardew valley than in league of legends and you keep pestering him to play with you dammit i need you on my team

you slipped a love letter under his door for one of his roommates but yunhyeong thought it was for him and now he keeps (kindly) rejecting you whenever you see him and you don’t even know how to react

Oh No We Are Trapped In This Room And The Power Went Out And I Am Scared Of The Dark Please Hold My Hand For Science

yunhyeong loves smoothies and one day you catch him trying to blend a slice of pepperoni pizza into a smoothie because he is, and i quote, “tired of chewing”

IDK ALL THESE IDEAS ARE BAD BUT PLEASE PLOT WITH ME ANYWAY

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

just feel rlly incomplete as a person again & feeling miserable... h.. i dont know i rlly just wish i had any semblance of a fucking life.... & i wish i just didnt fucking. bollocks absolutely everything up....  wish i could even just sustain a fucking hobby or something but i cant even manage anything like that - none of it ever clicks, its all just exhausitng and draining and a fucking chore.... & im just so . fucking tired of just........ existence being nothing but a long, long series of just empty and void distractions to stop meltdowns and none of it... being anything.... none of it being constructive or anything.... but thts the only thing u can fucking do .... and instead life just slips further and furhter away as u cant do anything else, and u get more and more isolated and god. these past few years ive done fucking nothing man..... like its genuinely just been going from different things to make myself numb with genuinely nothing in between.. beating each distraction until it make syou feel fucking dead and sick to do it any more and you melt down..... and i jsut feel so lonely and left out of everything but wht can i even fucking do...  like everyone else has sometghing and its just....i dont know what im even doing fucking wrong bc . other ppl at least want fucking something . even if its fucking small or jsut. some fucking interest or some fucking semblance of. belonging somewhere but god bless i jsut fucking wish i was dead man bc its all so barren and theres not. a single thing i think i would deeply miss .... like its all just draining and miserable and its not.. fucking worth it im just. h... bc its jsut always been fucking like this, always just fucking. trying to fucking just MAKE it through whatevers  happening and its jsut. always always ALWAYS that yknow  and am just... so so tired of it man jsut so fucking tired of it just being coping and . forcing yourself to fucking do it when theres just... nothing that ever .... like im just tired of it all just being so worthless and it never mattering . like it never matters in the end how much u manage bc it just. like its just the same no matter what i try to do im just alone and i jsut fucking . end up with nothing and its over and over and over and i dont know. how to manage any of it  any more am sick of fucking rying when it just gets so so fucking worse and am sick of just. how pathetic it always fucking feels having these meltdowns crying like mad every single day until you feel sick and then it not mattering it just happening the next day and theres no change it doesnt get worse there is no tipping point but it doesnt get better its nothingness its worthless just like the rest of it is it doesnt matter how many breakdowns you have just like nothing matters its all jsut ineffective and im so fucking tired i jsut. i dotn know man god i just wish i had friends or felt safe and iw ish i could. experience anything just for once that i just didnt spend my whole fucking . shitty existence having meltdown after meltdown that maybe there was something that just . brought SOME bit of joy or some reasont o fucking be alive something that made it felt  like any of it mattered i jsut wish . i didnt fucking . id ont know im sad im tired im just so . done at fucking sucking at everything, at having nothing to show for myself at being asked stupid things that should be fucking FINE  .. normal fucking questions what do you like what do you do what hobbies do you have and jsut coming up fucking empty and wanting to cry because i fucking ended up hating it all in the end  .................. like god thts another fucking. god i just think abt all the times i genuinely tried and just. fucking sob because it just feels like such a waste of fucking time now thinking abt how i used to try and write when i was younger but hated every single fucking second of it and just hated everything i wrote in the end and it never got better. same thing goes for literall everything fucking else wlike why. why why cant ANY of it jsut. work out right why does it allj jsut fucking. turn to shit or just fucking hurt and why cant just a second of it be righ t and i know it doesnt work like this but part of me fucking wonders what the fuck crawled up inside me and fucking died to make me such a soulless fucking freak  and i wish it would go away and maybe maybe maybe people would fucking want me around if i was. anything of substance but my whole. entire existence is just fucking devolved into me fucking crying and screaming and vomitting all the fucking time and l. i dont know i jsut...whatever beloveds

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[mistressarafax]

Small Adjustments

Kaiba didn’t adjust to change well. It didn’t happen often, and usually, any changes in his life were directly the result of Mokuba forcing change into his life.

The biggest change he’d lived through was Mokuba leaving for college. It was the first time they’d ever been separated for more than a week or two, and it forced Kaiba to accept that his little brother had grown up. Forced him to find a routine that didn’t involve Mokuba in the manor. It had been lonely and difficult, but it's what his brother wanted.

Mokuba came back after a year at school taller than Kaiba, which had honestly been a shock. Of course, he’d watched Mokuba grow up over the years, hitting growth spurts along the way and slowly but surely catching up to his older brother’s height. Now the soon-to-be nineteen-year-old stood an inch taller than him.

Not only was he taller, but he’d clearly spent a significant portion of time on campus working out. His muscles had filled out, and while his face still had some of its boyish features, he looked more like an adult than a child. It was difficult for him to adjust to the fact that his little brother wasn’t little anymore.

Over the summer, Mokuba worked short hours at KaibaCorp. He spent a week in all of the departments, doing all kinds of work and trying out every kind of job imaginable.

“You know there’s a vice president position for you,” Kaiba said. “You don’t have to do the small stuff.”

Mokuba had met his comment with a glare. “I want to have a full picture of the company, Seto. Most people don’t just get put into a top position. They work for it and move their way up.”

“I worked for it.” It felt like an accusation, words that had been directed at him at a far more impressionable time in his life coming back to bite him again only from someone who actually mattered.

Mokuba’s expression and tone softened. “I didn’t mean that to insult you. Yes, you worked for it. And you work to keep it every single day. You seized the company from Gozaburo, and the world is better for it. What I’m saying is that I don’t deserve to be the vice president just because I’m your brother. I don’t want valid accusations of nepotism to hang over my head. I want to earn it.”

It was another adjustment, something he’d never expected. He always imagined that Mokuba would just become his vice president, but a part of him was proud of Mokuba for wanting to stand on his own. To work for his own achievements. That change didn’t take him long to accept.

Two weeks later, Mokuba marched into his study and sat back on the leather couch. He’d pulled out his phone and typed out a message, distractedly announcing, “I’m not going to go back to school in the fall.”

“Why not?”

“I’d rather attend online classes from home. Plus, I can spend a few hours a week helping out at work.”

Which suited Kaiba just fine.

What didn’t suit Kaiba just fine was that now that Mokuba was home and all of his school friends had headed back to college for the fall, Mokuba started hanging out with the only loser who’d stuck around Domino City, Joey Wheeler. He’d discovered the fact quite by accident when he found the idiot in Mokuba’s entertainment room, holding a bag of potato chips and chewing with his mouth open.

“Who let you in here, Wheeler?”

“That would be your brother.” He’d grabbed another handful of chips, casually leaning back onto the couch as though it were perfectly normal for him to be here. As if there wasn’t a point in time when the two of them couldn’t be in the same room without fighting.

Kaiba opened his mouth to tell him off when Mokuba walked back in the room. “Hey, Seto!” he greeted. “Hopefully you two were playing nice.”

“Nice enough,” Wheeler answered with a shrug.

Kaiba didn’t deign him with a response before heading off to his study to get some more work done for the night.

The one night became several nights, and within a few months, it became almost surprising to not see Wheeler at the manor, sitting on the floor in front of Mokuba or next to him on the couch. After six months, Wheeler had become a permanent resident in the guest room closest to Mokuba’s. The two had become friends, the closest Kaiba had ever seen his brother have. Kaiba did not appreciate having to spend so much time around the irksome blonde, but he was willing to overlook it for Mokuba’s sake.

The friendship altered Kaiba’s life in unexpected ways. Mokuba and Wheeler frequently went out for dinner, leaving Kaiba on his own for meals. He also no longer felt guilty on nights he had to work late though. He knew Mokuba wasn’t alone, which offered him a great deal of relief.

After a year, Wheeler had become a constant presence in Kaiba’s life. Which was why he was so puzzled when he came home one night, expecting to see Mokuba and Wheeler playing video games like always, only to find Mokuba lying in bed, curled up with his back facing the door.

“Where’s Wheeler?” Kaiba asked, confused.

Even in the dim lighting, Kaiba could see how Mokuba’s back had tensed. “Home.” The response was short and uncomfortable, and Kaiba wondered what had happened. Clearly, Mokuba was upset. If the idiot had hurt his brother, Kaiba would rain fiery vengeance upon him. Mokuba hiccuped, fighting back tears.”God, I’m an idiot.”

That’s it, Kaiba decided. Wheeler’s dead.

Mokuba climbed out of bed and trudged over to Kaiba and embraced him. Something about him in that moment made him look small again. Defeated and tired and young. “Mokuba, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

Kaiba frowned. “You are absolutely not an idiot.”

“It sure feels like it.”

“What happened?”

Mokuba stepped away from Seto, leveling a calculating gaze at his brother. “I… I kissed Joey.”

“You…? What?” Kaiba asked, trying to wrap his head around what Mokuba had just told him.

“I um… I like him. A lot. And I thought he liked me, too. So we were just playing games, like always, and curled up together on the couch, and I couldn't help myself and kissed him on the cheek. He left after that, and on God, Seto, I messed everything up.”

It was a lot to process at once. His brother liked a boy. Nothing wrong with that, he just found it unexpected. Maybe if they'd ever actually talked about the subject of romantic interests, Kaiba would have known this before now, but Kaiba really didn't care. What he found decidedly more wrong was that the boy he liked was Joseph Wheeler. He could make a whole list of issues he had with that.

But Mokuba liked Wheeler, and Kaiba doubted an extensive list of reasons why it was a terrible idea would persuade his brother to rethink. In fact, if Mokuba's teenage years had taught Kaiba anything, it was that trying to dissuade Mokuba from something only made him more likely to do it out of defiance. So Kaiba had to accept that Mokuba liked Wheeler, and that was that. There would be no changing that fact. Mokuba really liked him. Enough that being rejected had him clinging to Kaiba like he was still a kid again.

Kaiba hated seeing Mokuba so upset and defaulted to feeling angry at the source of that sadness. Wheeler was an absolute idiot for turning down Mokuba, and Kaiba was going to make him regret it. No one hurt his little brother without facing consequences.

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Mokuba finally said, shaking Kaiba from his thoughts.

“Why?” He was genuinely perplexed.

“Because you don't care. And you're probably mad.”

“Hell yes, I'm mad. Wheeler's going to pay for this.”

Mokuba looked at him seriously, pain still lingering in his expression. After a long moment, he sighed. “Don't do anything to him, Seto.”

“He needs to pay for hurting you. Like everyone else.”

“Seto...this isn't his fault. This is my fault. I can handle this without your interference.”

But as Mokuba bid him goodnight, and Seto headed to bed, he knew he would still involve himself. He couldn't not. It was far too common for people to hurt him through Mokuba. He doubted this was intentional on Wheeler's part, but he still couldn't let it slide.

Which is how he found himself at Wheeler's apartment first thing in the morning. Mokuba's happiness was far more important than the 9:30 AM upper management meeting he was missing to be here. It took Wheeler a few minutes to get to the door, and when he finally pulled it open, he looked rough. His hair fell into his face, still wet from a shower, dark circles under his eyes, and his face swollen, and Kaiba decided that maybe Wheeler was suffering over this too, just like Mokuba.

Wheeler sighed. “What do ya want, Kaiba?” he asked, sounding resigned.

“I'm here to see why you rejected my brother.”

Wheeler’s eyes flicked up to meet his, surprised. “I… I didn't.”

“Then why was he in his room, alone, crying over you last night?”

“I panicked last night, okay? He kissed me, and ain't like I didn't want it, but it felt wrong.”

“Why?”

Wheeler ran his hand through his hair, roughly raking through knots in frustration. “Because of people thinkin’ I'm too old for him. Because of what you'd think, too.”

Kaiba crossed his arms. “What, pray tell, do I think?”

Wheeler shrugged. “Dunno. That I ain't good enough for ‘im.”

“You're right. You aren't. Especially if you're going to worry about what others think of you over my brother's feelings for you.”

“Wait so... you ain't against it?”

Kaiba grumbled, searching for the right words. “I'll never be against something, someone, that makes Mokuba happy. Even if you aren't good enough for him.”

“Really?” Wheeler's eyes flickered with hope and excitement.

Kaiba rolled his eyes and turned around, ready to leave. Wheeler laughed from behind him. “Thanks, Kaiba!” he shouted from the doorway. Kaiba didn't respond, but he knew he'd have an easier time adjusting to them dating than adjusting to both a moping, heartbroken Mokuba and the sudden lack of Wheeler's presence in his life. A laughable thought but true nonetheless.

He headed into work after that, staying extra focused since he's arrived late. He even worked late to make up for the lost time. He arrived home wau after the sun had set and promptly went to the media room, hoping to find Mokuba and Wheeler both there.

The glow of the screen reassured him as he drew near. He stepped into the doorway and frowned at the sight before him. Mokuba rested his weight on top of Wheeler, their game abandoned in favor of locking lips.

Without calling any attention to himself, he crept away, leaving them to their activities. The idea of them dating still felt foreign and weird, but it was a change he could live with.

[jkl-fff]

JKL I cannot stress this enough. ANSWER ALL OF THEM.

Heh. Why pick when you can just request all of them, right?Here we go, then (and thanks for the asks!)

Slightly Invasive Gay Asks

1. What’s your gender?

Hmm … Since I find the idea ofconceptual genders rather poetic (not recognized terms, but abstractdescriptions), I’ll give one of those: quirky and enthusiasticlanguage-literature-writing teacher who unironically uses a lot of Uncle Irohgifs and giggles like Scooby-Doo when someone make a particularly potent pun. Also, I’m a cis man with inclinations more towards non-toxic masculinity.

2. What are your pronouns?

He/His Grace, preferably, thoughI’ve no problem with people using Him or They/Them, I suppose.

3. Is your family accepting?

I’m fortunate enough to say theyare. Mom’s still worried about my spiritual and emotional well-being—about mefinding happiness, and worrying it might not happen like this—but that’s justwhat moms do.

4. What do you wish you could tell your past self?

Righteousness and Wickedness aresocial constructs propagated and perpetuated by authority figures to maintainan ideology which benefits them. So is “God the Father” (and Jesus Christ andthe Holy Ghost) as you conceive of them, or as anyone else ever conceives ofthem. You are *free* to do *whatever you want* so long as it doesn’t infringeon the freedom of others.

This means, boyo, that being gay isn’t a sin.Which is good, because you are gayer than a fruit bat. Just embrace it already,and you’ll be a lot more at peace with yourself and the universe.

5. What is your sexuality?

Hella gay,my dudes. Hella gay.If I wanted to expand further,I’d add placiosexual (I get off on pleasuring other people more than being pleasured).

6. Favorite color?

A deep and rich purple, like Tyrianor Imperial purple. Though I am increasingly fond of light pinks. And black is always in season.It’s funny, but as a kid I’d always say dark blue because I didn’t want peopleto think I was gay. Naturally, purple was the gay color, while blue was a safe“boy’s color” … for reasons … Isn’t heteronormativity absolutely silly?

7. Sun Gay or Moon Gay?

Moon, I guess? The sun is sogarishly bright. Even harshly so. But the moon is tastefully understated—just reallyelegant, y’know?—and also gentle and cyclical.

8. When did you find out your sexuality?

This is a rather difficult questionto tackle thanks to the cognitive dissonance imposed by heteronormativity … 

Onsome level, I *had* to have known since I started masturbating regularly (atage 13 or 14), because I only ever fantasized about other boys and guys. And I *was*aware of this on some level. However, the very idea of being gay was soinconceivable for a mormon boy (and socially stigmatized thanks to thepejorative use of the word “gay” to mean basically “stupid” from elementarythrough high school), that I refused to recognize it for years. Like, I was soinvested in being a good, mormon boy that I truly fully planned to follow themormon track of serving a religious mission for 2 years, marrying a woman inthe temple (big thing for mormons, that temple marriage), and probablyeventually having a kid or two (though I’ve never actually wanted to havechildren).

Ergo, it wasn’t until I was 19 and on a mission in France, working and livingnonstop with other guys (most of whom were quite good-looking AND had notrouble lounging around in their underwear when we were at home), that I couldno longer lie to myself. That was when I consciously recognized and consciouslybegan to struggle against “the burden of Same Sex Attraction” (as mormons insiston calling it) through “the power of faith” in Ja-eeee-sus Chrys’theLORD.

You can extrapolate from the present-day contents of my blog (and the abovesarcasm) how successful that was. Honestly, I’m rather surprised thepsychological distress such internalized and slow-toxic homophobia caused neverdrove me to take a leap of faith off a building at some point between ages 20and 25.

But those dark days were over when, at 25, I fell in love for the first time,and decided that there wasn’t much sense in being miserable, self-loathing, andlonely anymore. That’s when I started the process of coming out.

So … take your pick, I guess: it’s 13, 19, or 25.

9. How was your day?

Apart from sleep deprivationweighing me down (which is my own fault, as I stayed up late writing, then hadto get up early to lesson plan), it was grand! Went to work in the afternoonand got a good workout there moving freight, then went to teach my French classin the evening and had a ball while doing it!

10. Do you have any gay friends?

Bitch, at this point, I’m wonderingif I have any *straight* friends.Seriously, though, I do have some straight friends. But my closest friends areall openly queer in one way or another.

11. What’s your favorite hobby?

Taekwon-Doand writing.

12. Who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

Garnet, anthropomorphicrepresentation of a now-married, WLW couple WHO KICKS ALL OF THE ASS BECAUSESHE IS MADE OF LOVE A N D  I T  I S S T R O N G E R   T H A N  Y O U,  J A S P E R!

13. Which Pride flags do you like the most design/colorwise?

Hard not to love the classic Gay Priderainbow, since it accessorizes with everything, though I prefer one thatexplicitly makes sure to include PoC, such as this one:

(Does anyone know who made this one?I saved a copy when I first saw it, because it’s fantabulous,but have never seen the post for it again.)

For the colors, the Bi and theTrans flags are quite lovely combinations, too.

14. Are you openly out?

You tellme:

Yeah, I wear this everyday becauseI got tired of people even contemplating the possibility that I might bestraight.

15. Are you comfortable with yourself?

More-or-less, and I think more thanless as time goes on. There are still bad days, but … once I understood thatbeing kind to people *also* means being kind to *myself*, it became a loteasier to become comfortable with myself. AND also easier to actually recognizeand work constructively on the parts of me I wished to improve.

16. Bottom or Top?

As a matter of principle, I striveto at least *be willing* to be verse—strive to never ask for anything I’m notwilling to give back, but … I definitely prefer to take charge and Top (evenwhen, or especially when, still giving manual or oral pleasure).Who knows, though? Maybe I just haven’t been topped right.

17. Femme or Butch?

Bold of you to assume I have aconsistent style.Seriously, though, im be Butch, I guess? I don’t really seek to present in afeminine way, so by default that make me Butch … Right? I dunno.

18. Do you bind?

Only myroot foot to strengthen it against a lingering ankle injury when I go to work.

19. Do you shave?

Only when I have to tidy up mybeard. No one shall see all of my face EVER AGAIN!

20. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

Right now, it’d be a coworker ofmine named Justin. He’s just … such an adorkable nerd with a really upbeatpersonality, and I find him very cute. And physically attractive, too. Like,damn, have you *seen* his assets? (obviously you haven’t, but trust me, they’requite pleasing assthetically)Unfortunately, he’s already married to another guy, who I hope knows he’sdamned lucky.

21. Do you have a partner (s)?

Alas, I donot. I’ve been somewhat unlucky in love.

22. Describe your partner (s)?

Hidden from me—hidden somewhere outthere, hopefully searching for me as I search for him … hopefully soon to crossmy path …

23. Have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?

I thinkabout 10 different guys. Obviously, none of them worked out.Some of them might have, but Iwasn’t ready at the time, and now it’s too late …  Oh well. Life goes on.

24. Anyone of another sex?

Technically, I suppose I’ve been ontwo dates with women. For the first (a double date) we were theoretically goingto a high school dance … but none of us were really into that when we gotthere, so instead we just drove around in her truck and made her stuffedpenguin heckle other drivers. The second was a few years later, and we went to a young, single adults gameevening after having dinner with her family. Annnnnd … that’s it.

25. Pastel Gay or Goth Gay?

I ain’tgoth, that’s for sure. But I’m not sure I’m pastel, either …

26. Favorite dad in Dream Daddies?

While I’ve never played the game,the most physically attractive one to me is the redheaded bear. Mostly becauseanyone else who might be physically attractive to me ruins the effect with amustache (THEY HAVEN’T BEEN STYLISH SINCE THE 70s, AND EVEN THEN THEY LOOKEDSTUPID!) or by being unrealistically sculpted (and I am *not* into that; I likemy men to look like they actually exist in the real world).

27. Tell me a random fact about yourself.

I have, like, over 20 neckties leftover from my mission days. I hardly ever use them anymore because I loathedressing up … but I have used them for some fun with other guys, and hope I getto do so again, soon.

28. Do you own any Pride flags/merch?

Just the rainbow bracelets picturedabove … and also a pair of rainbow socks, though those were actually procuredfor (not by) me … so I could officiate a *straight* couple’s marriage,ironically.

29. Have you ever been to a Pride Parade?

I’ve been to three. The first twowere … alright, I guess. Like, it was exciting to go to something so openlyqueer—so loud and proud—the first time (even if I had to hurry home for churchstuff for my little brother’s mission homecoming … let me tell you, that was a dayof extremes). And fun to go with my then boyfriend for the second.But … I dunno … There was a big crowd, and a lot of noise and heat (what withit being the middle of June). Introverted ol’ me wanted to go home—or at leastsomeplace quiet an cool—after about an hour, because the novelty had worn offby then.

The third, however …I was visiting my aunt in Washington D.C. That Sunday morning, we were walking tosome of the Smithsonian museums when we just happened, entirely by accident, tocross paths with the advancing Pride Parade. So we stopped and watched it for,like, half an hour … I suppose it was more of a March than a Parade,technically, which might be why it resonated with me more than the other twohad. But all the same …Here’s more on that event: http://jkl-fff.tumblr.com/post/161753611614/dc-pride

30. Any advice to someone who isn’t out, or who is exploringthemselves?

Two things: Go with what feels right for you. Your labels might or might not change, butyour understanding of what they mean for you definitely will develop and deepenover time (this is part of what “gender is fluid” means; it isn’t fixed and unchangeable,because *your identity* is neither fixed nor unchangeable). Be truthful enough withyourself to let it happen. Because in the end, the only wrong answer … is adishonest one.

Also, learn as much sympathy, empathy, compassion, and compersion as you canfrom your negative experiences. Like, it is inevitable that you will suffer inlife, so learn how to be aware of and kind towards the suffering of others.Exclusionists absolutely disgust me, because after suffering discrimination andoppression … they decide to put others through the same kind of needless pain.Gods above, life is hard enough as it is, so don’t go out of your way to makeit harder for others. Let your negative experiences motivate you to make sureno one else has to go through such bullshit ever again.

Thanks again! These were a lot of fun!

[bloody-moths]

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 2

It's been awhile sense Analelle came over and we were just laying down on my bed watching a Disney movie together

"Hey Nalia?"

"Yea?"

"Im going to head home because my parents are spamming the fuck out of my phone so I'll see you tomorrow"

"Alright I'll see you tomorrow come after school, I wanna go to the mall with you"

"OF COURSE ILL COME TO THE MALL WITH YOU"

"We have a Fall Dance this year and I wanted to go pick dresses out with you"

"Alright we'll ima head home"

"Bye stay safe" I said as she got off the bed going towards the door of my room and waving bye

I continued to watch movies until my mom got home at around 10:36

"Hey Mom!"

"Hello darling, how was your first day of school?"

"Just wonderful!"

Of course I was being sarcastic to make her feel like I did have a good day

It was the total opposite

After we talked at the island as she ate I went back up to my room to 50 messages from Jerk face

He cussed me out?? Why the fuck

As a good person I am I called

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CUSSING ME OUT ON TEXT J HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU!" I yelled that as I sat up on my bed

Luckily my house is pretty sound proof

...

I got no sleep last night

Bitch face Batman kept spamming me for no fucking reason

I bet he's single with no parents just a grandma and zero friends

I'm in first period, falling asleep

Again

"Mrs. Tate what is the answer to this?"

"Uhh"

...

Luckily I knew what I was doing in first period when he called me

Now it's seventh period

Almost time to go home finally

...

I got home to a normal empty house with all the lights off

I seem kinda lonely if you ask me

But I'm not the desperate type to get guys or some shit like who the fuck does that

No guys at my school are even hot or have good personality's

I get upstairs and go to my desk to do my homework

Yes, homework it's only the second day and there is homework

What a hassle to do

...

ELIAS POV:

Today was a fucking hassle and I think Brat Face blocked me

Hard fact is she's kinda cute but I hate her ass

She's annoying, doesn't answer phone, and used lots of profanity

Like what the fuck did I do to her

Maybe I was mean but she deserves it for her name calling and cussing me out

NALIA POV:

I was laying back in my comfy ass bed

Listening to some amazing Spotify playlist that you guessed it I made When my phone went off

"Ugh who calls me at 7:34 without texting me first"

Well they certainly texted me first

Maybe 200 messages is a warning

"What do you want Batman?"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT BITCH"

"Never, but why did you call me"

I made myself sound more aggravated then I am because I want Elias to leave my ass alone

"I just wanted you to know...."

"Know what hurry your ass up"

"Know that your ugly and stupid, and that I hate you"

I knew all of that already but ima act sad just for his scrawny little ass

"Aw man I thought I was beautiful...unlike you" murmured the last part so he didn't hear

He herd it, very fast too.

"HEY IM VERY HANDSOME FOR YOUR INFORMATION!!"

"No, your not absolutely not at all"

"Bitch"

"Shut the fuck up I never asked you to call me names so I'm going to hang up"

"Bye brat"

"I'm not a brat" I said that as I hung up

...

It was now 9:42 and mom just got home

"Hey Mom how was work?"

"Very tiring sweetie, how was school and being home?"

"Wonderful! I had a little bit of homework but it's all done so it's ok!"

"That's good well I'm going to shower and get ready for bed now, I'm exhausted from work"

"That's fine mom! I'll see you tomorrow"

...

It's Wednesday, fucking hell I just don't want to walk today

In PE we're always in the weight room for no fucking reason and sense I am decently strong they want me to do more than I have to on benching and deadlifts

My legs hurt like I got hit by a truck

But I still have to go to school

For Mom right

...

I'm halfway there until I turn the corner and run into my enemy, Elias

Dear lord save me now please

"WHATCH WHERE YOUR GOING BITCH"

"So sorry I turned the corner way too fast" saying that very sarcastically

"Don't sound sarcastic you little brat"

"Office kid"

At this point I'm just going to walk away and hope he doesn't follow me

Of course he follows me to the school but I just put my AirPods in and doesn't listen

...

It's first period almost at the end but the teacher says we have a duo project

"So I will be picking the groups for everyone!"

"Saralynn and Blakely"

Bruh I know no one in this class of their than the jerk

Who will I be with

"Amisha and Davion"

Who am I with what the fuck he's almost done

"Nalia and Elias"

"IM WITH HIM"

"SHES WITH ME"

"CHANGE US PLEASE" we said at the and time

——-

Thank you for reading the second chapter! I really hope you liked it!

Have a great day! ❤️

[tutyayilmazz]

I really wasted half of my university life not really taking advantage of anything and now semester is starting and i still don't feel any motivation to join any clubs etc. I want to have, idk more than one friend i regularly spend time with but its so hard to find anyone you get along with... I just want to go home with the 4:30 bus and not wait until 6pm just to sit through introduction meetings where i feel like im gonna explode or cry bc of how nervous and uncomfortable i am. I used to want to do stuff like theatre and i went to see them before and its obvious they want you to forgo everything else bc they were all in their 7th year of university... And the smaller ones are just a bunch of people who are friends anyway hanging out supposedly doing smth. Its nice to take part in stuff but after being tired all day through class/lab i just want to go home so much that i rarely even go to the movie screenings my absolute fave teacher's club is doing. And honestly even if you do miraculously make friends you can't ever meet up with them bc your schedules and exams are never gonna match up. I can't get closer to anyone in my department even if i try to be as friendly as i can in class afterwards they're all gonna leave to do whatever with their friends. And im still pissed at how the friends i had in first year left me and now they're friends with this insufferable girl. I hate how lonely i feel and i hate how i just want to avoid everyone at the same time. I hate how im either so tense about everyhting or so apathetic that id just rather go to the computer lab and watch smth instead. I usually don't mind just being alone, walking around but when i see people that i know having fun i feel so shit. I hate how one of my close friends where i live also goes to the same school and yet she won't make any effort to see me while we're both there. I hate worrying about everything i hate that i cant be content with what i have. I hate how i cant manage to do any single thing

[txicgf]

it's the quiet again. except this time I think I want it?

just the constant sound of my fan and my thoughts. my room is dark with the tv off and it makes me realize I never have it off anymore with just the dark. maybe it's because I could never handle it,,, idk. I feel like I look for a sad meaning into everything I do too much. but Im pretty sure I did consciously start making sure something was always on in the background when I fell asleep when I was little because being alone with my head was too scary/painful. never liked being alone with myself all that much :/

it's like 2 or 3 am and I really cant sleep. I've done my normal routine of look for something to watch for a couple hours now and the weed wore off so I'm back to my most natural state, melancholy and monologue-y . I feel like shit and want to indulge in the prodding numbing sad feeling at my gut like I usually do and revel in that for a bit, but to be honest I don't even know what to look up anymore to make me feel worse.

right now my mental illness is characterized by the feeling of knowing you can never go back to the way you were before you learned certain information and the intense awareness of your shift in worldview. wishing you could un-know something. although I wonder what it is I wish I didn't know, I just know I am permanently changed by it. I have my own ideas on what it is that's changed me, although I'm not sure. I have a feeling that the mix of the beginnings of my caloric minimalism with the brother in law od times fucked with my psyche, somehow I have a gag reflex and I'm really, really scared of death.

im just feeling lonely for the millionth time and realizing that maybe i don't really have anyone i feel 100% comfortable with. i wish i could stop finding a million reasons not to let my guard down around every single person, it makes me feel like an asshole pointing out every flaw I find to give myself a reason to be anxious, and maybe i wouldn't be so fucking lonely if i could stop. not even sisters anymore sadly :/ i love the people in my life but they've all just seen ,,, too much. heard too much, dealt with too much or are (the most likely option) tired of my bullshit. it kinda sucks knowing how high maintenance you are, and how repetitive you are with everything. I'm absolutely a creature of habit and I hate watching everyone I come to care about get more and more tired with my bs, or even worse, i sabotage it and it's never the same again anyways.

i hate that im the person im stuck with for eternity. i hate that this is MY head. i hate her so much, i really do. this is all so jumbled and it's messy thoughts that don't make that much sense but I just feel so tired of re explaining the same feelings over and over again just to have no resolution once again as well. it's always the same, it's always terrible and it's always gonna be me :/

i cant do anything right. im constantly disappointing everyone around me, even when they don't know it. im a liar and so fucking self centered, all i do is talk about myself and I'm so self obsessed and arrogant I interrupt others just to fucking talk about myself more. it always has to be about me right? that's what I want I guess.

I wish I could disappear, I wish no one ever had to see.me.agajn, I wish I could stop drawing so much fucking attention to myself but it's like no matter what I do I'm compulsively entertaining and acting and putting on a show so people will look at me.wow !!! and.give me attention and validation and all these things that immediately make me so shitty the minute i do anything after or process it, i just wish it could all stop. i want to stop mattering, i want to stop being here i want to just float away like a leaf as if i never existed in the first place, i just want to be gone.

but i guess the existential crisis somehow fuckin ruined suicide too huh ://

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.29.2021 Dear G,

Another restless night after another restless night last night. I am so tired of not being able to talk to you call you see you be with you. I done the very best I can to make and keep that promise i made to us when we last emailed each other when I told i wouldn’t contact you until I was a month sober. I’m am just coming to you now to ask you if it is ok if i contact you before . I know I made the promise to us and I know I did . I was going to keep it I really was and I’m sorry. My full one month of active sobriety is on the first of April . I can’t hold back anymore. I can’t be silent and on the sidelines . I just want to talk to you G. I just miss you with all heart each and every day I miss you more and more. I’ve laughed with you in silence at our snaps, I smiled at the tweets you’ve made, I’ve cried with you whenever you’ve posted to your tumblr, I’ve seen each and every lonely sad day that you’ve fought through and struggled through to get this painful time. It’s been painful and i’ve cried with you and for you. I’ve laughed at your tweets that are, i’ve smiled at your tweets that were you and so cute. Mostly though with each and every day I’ve gotten more and more deeply sad and longing for you and i just can’t take it anymore . I just cannot stay in silence here any longer when every single day and night i’ve talked to you, i’ve laughed with you, I’ve smiled with you, I’ve cried with , I’ve cried for you, i’ve longed for you, i begged for you, i’ve hoped that somehow you could hear me and you know that i’m thinking and feeling for you. I’ve done this all in silence. I’m sorry that I couldn’t wait any longer I just cannot wait to contact you any longer than this. I am so restless now each and every day that drags on and on and on. I had a countdown on my sobriety calendar beside our bed and i was just getting so anxious each and every day. I am saying to you now that i am here and I’ve always been here every single second of every single day and night since the last time that we emailed each other. I’ve read and reread that email over and over and over again. I’ve screenshooted the email where you told me not to contact you until I was a month sober. I’m sorry I took longer than expected and I’m sorry that I am few days short of a full month, my love. But I just cannot wait any longer in the sidelines, in the shadows, in the wings, waiting to step forward and back into your view, when I’ve been here the whole time, loving you from distance, from a veil, from a promise that I made to us. I am here my love and I am asking you very simply and plainly if I can come back home to us? 

It’s been struggle to be honest G and I’m sure you know because you know me inside and out. You know that by not contacting you until now that meant that struggled with sobriety after we last emailed. I have nothing but my openness and honesty now with you, because i have already lost you, and I may have lost you, the love of my life, forever, so I have nothing left to lose save for the last bit of openness, honesty and vulnerability that i can share with. Yes i did relapse twice after we emailed. Yes i was me that did that to myself. Yes i did choose to relapse and push the timeline for getting back to you and to us behind further behind than what I had asked for. That was all me . I didn’t give up . I tried and then I tried again and then I tried and I now I am here with almost a full month of active sobriety. It is not a on and off switch like so many times i said to you. It is a choice that I make for myself each and every day when I wake up , again and again and again , until I close my eyes and go to sleep at night. I put the red sharpie on the calendar beside our beside on the date and I cross it out. Every time i crossed it out, i said to myself ‘ I coming bb , I’m coming’. You know what though in this time that I’ve done that I’ve grown stronger each and every time I’ve done that. I’m even growing stronger in my resolve as I write these words to you . I have tried and failed in the past for my sobriety. Yes I did . I desperately and painfully did each and every time . Sometimes I gave for awhile . Sometimes I gave for way too long . Like what you saw when you came back with all the hopes and dreams for us in February. I still struggle every day with guilt, shame and regret for all that happened. But something happened last time i relapsed . I didn’t want to do it for anybody else. I just simply and plainly wanted to finally and fully and completely be happy with myself and who i was. I knew that this was just not working at I was failing at being the best person I could be in my life. I was failing and cheating myself out of happiness that i knew i wanted but didn’t want to and was afraid to get for myself. I cried and cried and cried day in and day out at the situation before i was able to see myself for what was. Then I stopped for what I was and I started making little choices every single day to be the person that I wanted to be. You my beautiful lover were always right and you were always there to tell the things I didn’t want to listen to but were the right things. Sober is just sober . Thats just it . That all I am either sober or not. But it is a life full of choices to be sober. I had to first want to desperately be sober for myself , then I had to not just get rid of the negative but full my life up with so much promise of joy and hope that I simply could not want to put any more negative in it . I had to make the littlest things a celebraion , such as getting out of bed, making that bed, having a shower , changing my clothes, and those little joys gave me more and more so that I could tackle the bigger ones day by. Then I needed a working plan that I had to have in place . Another thing that you told me and I didn’t want to listen to until now. Well here I am now with all three things : my absolute desire and burning passion to be better with every day , my little life full of things that are so joyful in the little things that I don’t want to go back or even look back, and a plan that i work every day because it is my number one and most important task in life and always has been : me . In the short time that I’ve been sober, I’ve had more clarity than ever before and I realize that there is peace in sobriety because there is only one choice to make : sobriety. Active addiction is full of a maze of choices , pathways leading to lies and more lies . The lies build up until it is exhausting. I am finding peace in that one simple choice . It is the way for self care and the way i can show myself the most love I can. It’s not all roses G and it never will . I will need to relentlessly work on my sobriety for my entire life and that will never ever change nor can I ever take it for granted, get arrogant about it, or take my hand off the wheel. But there is joy everywhere for me in this that I never saw before and even now I am grateful and I love you for you. You had to leave because you couldn’t stay no matter how much I wanted you to no matter how much it hurt you , no matter all the promises I made I wouldn’t have been able to keep them because I had no tools to build out my sobriety. Each and every day Im learning how to use tools on how to cope with life recovering drug addict and alcoholic. Yes it hurts. Yes its struggle. Yes I miss you so fucking much it pains me now to even write the words still that you are gone . But i realized I would rather be sober and feeling the pain of losing over numbing it for a quick escape . It’s not an escape thats a lie. Its all lies. I used to have so many conditions on my sobriety. You know . Well I’ll be sober if that doesn’t happen or if this happens or or or or or or or or or. It goes on and on. Now its just peaceful. It just is really one choice. That is the best way I can love myself now. 

Sobriety doesn’t make life any easier if anything it harder. It’s harder to wake up and face challenges and difficulties head on, face on, face them with every ounce of your strength and not run from them to a bottle or a line. But it is a life worth living because there is good in being able to proudly say to myself that i did that each and every day. It’s not easy and i never take it for granted every day. I struggle with the guilt, shame and regret of the choices I made when i was with you when the one i was to just desperately be able to have the chance to make is the choice of us. You and me. You and me. Us. But i face it every day. I face it every day. I whisper to you every day. I cry for you every day I beg you every day. I do all of it with full clarity and I don’t want it any other way. You know that we never really stopped communicating even when were weren’t technically talking to each other there was no way that we couldn’t talk to each. I mean with your twitter and your tumblr account and of course our spotify playlists. I really just wanted a way to be able to talk to you in some way any way that i could and I am grateful that i was still able to talk to you in whichever way that you deemed was appropriate for you. I lived for each and every song you uploaded , I listened to each and every song , every lyric, every note, every verse, the painful ones, the less painful ones, the hopeful ones, more painful ones over and over again. I made my playlists just for those sweet ears of yours . I handcrafted it knowing full well that you would be listening to it . I hoped that you would be able to be sustained like I was in love and yearning and passion just like i was all this time. This entire I felt like i was on a special language that we were both speaking to each and you know you felt that too. I hung on every tumblr post you made. I saved them all . I kept every little perfect morsel of you and I thought and i felt my through them . I felt the pain that you felt . I had hope through it . I made that promise to us that no matter happened i would still have hope. Even all the Tumblr posts you deleted i saved and read and reread. There is just no end to how much I want you G. There is no end to my love for you. It never really ever will be over for you and even if its just in my own heart and my own mind. But even now I am praying and hopeful that i can come to us and come to you and your love. I saw all your VSCO posts and the last one I saw of you in that beautiful red bikini I thought and I hope that you were motioning me back with your hand to the home of your heart my love. The last post where you asked where i was I wanted to just call you just hear your voice your sweet sweet voice. Still now I just want pick up the phone and call you my love and tell you I love you and I am here and I always will be here for us even if its only just me on the end of the phone. I’ve written and deleted so many emails over the past month. Not being able to talk to you, my best friend, all of sudden one day was just too much and it still is. I just want to pick up the phone and call you each and every day as I’m sitting here on our uncomfortable couch listening to your en espanol playlist. it is you and always will be you . you will always be the one i want. 

You are the love of my life G. I know that. I just know that there is no other way that i will be ever want to be with than you mi morenita, my wolf queen of the mur, the most beautiful girl in the universe. I will always want you and chase you and yearn for you and want to come back home to your heart.That will never change. You are my soulmate. You are the one that i was every lifetime with. Forever and day. I always have and I always will. I watched all of the snaps from the first to the last of us and I saw the love and the passion and the burning fire that was us and still is us in me. I’m aching for you as i write this. I am just wishing for you so badly and I do every single second of the day.  We can never be strangers even if I don’t see you for a million years, you’ll never be a stranger to me and I’ll never to a stranger to you. I know every single corner of your heart. I know how you are the most sensitive , caring , gentle soul with those that are the ones that you love. I know what makes you laugh , I know how you laugh , I know just how to make you smile. You know me just the same. You know every single part of me inside and out . You know my sensitive caring, gentle soul too. You know how much I love to enjoy the quiet moments. You know how to make me laugh. I know your love language and you know mine. I know all your hopes, dreams fears and desires and you know mine. I know that we dreamt of us together and we both dreamt that dream together. I still have that dream I still see you in my dreams and in my life. I still see myself in my life.  I still see an us and I want to come home to us. I never lost hope in us for one second this whole time . Even if you have I am asking for you to give me and us any bit of luck and hope that you may have left. Yes. I am fully and unabashedly, openly and honestly asking you G right now. I told myself that when I did finally get ahold of you again I wouldn’t hold back anything . I’m not going to . I never really did ever with us and I’m not about to start now. G I just want to come back home to your heart. I want this to work . I can’t lose you . I can’t lose us. I can’t lost us and you and me to something that i cannot hold, love, hug, squeeze, caress , hear the words of love and express the words of love to . I’ve lost so much to my addiction and I don’t want lost anything and most of all I don’t want to lose the love of my life to it. You. G. I want to be with you. If I was on mountain right now I would scream it at the top of my lungs to you but I’m saying this to . G I can’t lose you. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ever have to go through life knowing that you are somewhere here on this planet in this same existence in this same time as me but now with me and not with us. Yes I do know that you are my soulmate. I want to be you now. Forever and a day. Just talk to me . Tell me exactly what you want and what you need . Let’s come back to each other and let’s talk it through my love. You tell me what you need and I will my utmost to provide it for you openly and honestly and with truth. I will all put all of my energy into you and us that I always should have but cheated us out. Just tell me what you need my love. I know you love and you know I love you. Love and loving someone is choice made every single day. I am choosing you and I am asking you to give me a chance to be with you to be with us. I cannot and I will not be able to have it any other way. Just talk to me . Let’s talk to each other like we always did. You’re my best friend, the love of my life and the only one i think of dream of and want to come to right now. I can’t lose you don’t want to lose you. Tell me exactly what you want and tell me exactly what you need and tell me exactly what you don’t want. Just talk to me. Just tell me. Whatever you need to feel secure , however much time you need, whatever it is my love you just tell and I will do it. I will do it with the most that i can because the thought of being able to be given the chance to be with the love of my life is something that I will be forever grateful to you. Just give me the chance to come back to us and I will step by step piece by piece put your heart back together with the pieces of my heart. I know we can do this. I know we can . It is just a choice that we both have to make together. I choose you and finally I just choose you and only you now. I am fully and completely at your feet right now and I am asking you to choose us just once more. Peash my love peash let me back into our lives, let’s dream again once more. Let’s make new memories together. Let’s make plans . Lets live life together bb. Peash . You know me inside and out and I know you inside and out. Lets make the new memories together. There are enough that I could live off them forever but I don’t want be just a memory I don’t want to just be your first love . I want to be with you and loving you forever and a day. It’s just you and me and that it. Its just us and thats the choice that I’m asking you to make. I am not just asking I am begging you to give me just one more shred of luck. I’ll take it and cherish it and cherish and cherish you. 

I know that there is healing that still has to happen between us . I’m not saying that this is a reset. It never could be and I wouldn’t even want it to be. It will always just be you and me and our past and our present and our future too if you want that. I am here saying I want that if you do too. I will always want that for us. We need be able to heal and forgive and mend each other and learn how to move forward from this. But I want to do that with you. I want you to tell me every single little thing you need and want until you don’t want to talk anymore. I will listen to every single little thing you have to say. I will do all this with openess, honesty , humility and my love and caring for you. I won’t lie to you. If what you are asking is something I cannot do I will tell you. But at this point I will do anything for you and for us. I want so much for us. I wish so many things too. But it just starts with us talking. Can we start there? Can we talk this ? I want to talk to you openly and honestly. I want to talk to you directly. Not through Tumblr, not through VSCO, not through songs, not through anything else than just talking my love it starts there. There are alot of things that I’ve realized in the past month of my CAMH outpatient rehab that i do know I need to work on and work on relentlessly. There were good things about me i know that much. I know that because you love me. I also know now that you just love me and thats it. No further conditions needed. Thats just what love is. Its a process and way of living that I’ve only started to understand and to really come to terms with. Yes you’re right I do need to love myself first to love you properly. Yes there were many good things about the way that I loved you but there were also many toxic things about the way I loved you too. I am seeing it now and I  am not shying away from it. There are conversations that have to happen if were are going to move forward. Conversations about what didn’t work before and what needs to change if its going to work for us if you do give us another chance otherwise it would be the same. I don’t want the same either. I want change . I want be able to love you securely and without putting any of my toxic behaviour into. There are issues surrounding my childhood trauma that I’m only now starting to accept and to recognize . These are things that I need to address right away in my life if I am in the interest of being happy and being able to be in a relationship with somebody that is loving and lasts and is secure. I want to do them all. Right away. I want to be with you free of the trauma that made us not work before. I want to talk to you about everything that could possibly hold us back from our happiness together and prevent us from being able to love each other properly and in an healthy way.  I want to just love you securely and I want to do that with you right away. Communication and honesty has to happen first. I know its a process but its something I want more than anything because I just want you and I will always want you G. I miss being able to talk to you openly and honestly . I just miss you G.  I am asking you to if I can come and can we build this again step by step brick by brick?

I am giving you this choice completely. For so long I took the choice away from you .  So now I am giving this choice to you. G will you choose to let there be new memories for us, will you choose to give me and us another chance for this love that I know we both have. It was real and it still is real for me. You can take it as slow as you want. You can tell me whatever you need or don’t need. I will listen and follow anything and everything that you tell me you need to feel safe, secure, valued and cherished in this relationship if there is to be one . That’s your choice . I’m leaving it up to you. You know my choice . You know my heart is yours. You know me and you always will. I am your lover boy. Your huevito. Your gringito. Your little whimpering doggy. You know everything. Can you just take all the time you need but just give it some time. I will be here and I will be waiting . Forever if I have . I really will . I will wait for you . I just want you G and I only ever will . Don’t worry though this isn’t going sway my choice to be sober in any way. My sobriety is a life choice and its unconditional and seperate from you or anyone . Its what i want for me . Nobody else. Of course if you do decide to come back to us then i will be open and honest with you about my sobriety and my state of being at all times. I will give you that every single second of the morning night and day. I will do everything in my power to make you feel safe and secure and aware of my sobriety journey at all times.

So don’t do anything you don’t want to do . Just do exactly what you want to do and do what is best for you. I will always love you G that will never. If I’m so lucky to see your face again, to pick you up in my arms, to smell your hair, to kiss your beautiful lips then I will be the luckiest guy in universe again. If you do not want to for whatever reasons, then I would have been the luckiest man in the universe. If you do come back to us I do promise you one thing I will scream to the world of my love to you and I will never stop loving you harder better and more than I have ever every single day for as long as I can. If you let me I want to to see you. I want to just take the time in my life, in our lives to appreciate you and us. So much of our time was in between other times. If you so want to do us again I want to see you again on a beach somewhere. Let’s take some time to get away and be together somewhere were its just us and just our love . You just tell me yes and Ill  be there. 

G this is it. This is my big letter to you. This is me asking for you back . This is its G. I had planned on this big thing. I had so much built up but this is it. This is my big letter to you asking for you to give me and us one more chance. I wanted everything with you and I still do. Everything we talked about I still see and want. You already know my choice is and always will be you. I am again begging you and asking you to give me that last little bit of luck the only luck I’ll need for the rest of my life. But it all starts with you one single choice . I will leave that choice to you.  I’ll wait for you as long as you need. I’ll wait as long as I have to. I know that is that only thing I’ll besides running back to your heart . If you were motioning me back with your hand in the red bikini I wont waste a second. If not I’ll keep waiting. You are the love of my life. 

Te Amo

Y Siempre 

Te Amare

Forever 

and 

A 

Day