#i am Aware that escapism is not a fruitful coping mechanism but like. as far as not good coping mechanisms go it's fine.

[glittercorvid]

bad things i can't control happening in my personal life + extra time on my hands bc it's the slow season at work = time for a new hyperfixation

[patrick-donovan]

BIRTHDAY BASH | DIANTRICK

WHEN: May 27th, 2020

WHERE: Hummel family’s birthday bash, Riley Hummel’s backyard

WHO: Diana Hummel & Patrick Donovan

EVENT: Patrick meets Diana. TW: Mentions of abuse

DIANA: Diana had been quite upset by the happenings earlier. During the commotion, she had disappeared to cry. It wasn’t the birthday party she envisioned. Finally, she had emerged from where she was hiding, with a smile on her face. Though it was quite evident that she had been crying, she curled up in her throne and tried to appear happy even though she was shaken to her very core.

PATRICK: Patrick walked around, drink in hand as he watched people dance and swim around. Who was this all for? It couldn't just be a regular party, there had been a table with gifts and everything. Looking around, he finally spotted three thrones; was this some kind of weird Game of Thrones-themed party? Should he expect King Joffrey to step out at any moment now to order someone to be beheaded? Walking up to it, he saw the girl sat on one of them and he gave her a small smile, instantly noticing that she might have been crying. "Hey, are you okay?"

DIANA: Long eyelashes fluttered. Makeup went from her face and had been for quite some time. Diana was very receptive l to the world around her, perhaps overly sensitive. The incident with the unknown dominant had shaken her to her core. For a moment, she rubbed her eyes but managed a smile. "I guess my family protects me too much...I didn't realize how scary some people can be here." Cause even if she didn't care if people treated her poorly, she cared about how they treated her family. And she hated herself for being too weak to do anything about it."I'm Diana Hummel, " she straightened her, tiara, "It is a pleasure to meet you."

PATRICK: Patrick listened as the girl in front of him talked. He had noticed earlier that everyone had gathered around some men, but Patrick didn't know what it had been about; and if it wasn't Patrick's business, then he wasn't going to pay attention to it. "People are scary here?" Patrick asked, eyebrows raised as he walked further up to the throne to get a better look at the girl's face. She was pretty. Beautiful, even. "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Diana Hummel. I'm Patrick Donovan," He gave her a soft smile. "I apologize if I'm rude, but I take it it's your party, since you're on the throne and everything." He motioned towards the tiara, when he said 'everything'.

DIANA: The Hummel/Hudson clan always made sure to keep Diana in a protective bubble, which was fair. Diana didn't have the most healthy coping mechanism. "I am surprised myself, you see. I thought everyone was lovely. At least everyone I had met so far was. It was just an upsetting reality to face. Especially on today of all days. I just wish I didn't feel so useless." 

When he introduced himself, she managed a genuine smile."You are not rude at all, Mr.Donovan. I think you are quite amazing and good at astute observation." A sweet twitter escaped plump lips."Yes, I am the birthday girl."

PATRICK: He furrowed his eyebrows, growing more and more interested in what had happened that had upset the girl so much. It couldn't have been that bad, because the party hadn't been broken up because of it, and as far as Patrick was concerned, no one had died. "I'm sure you're not useless at all. Look," Patrick turned around and motioned for all of the people still partying. "They're having a good time. That's most likely because you're still here, and looking great. You're definitely not useless." 

A chuckle escaped his lips as he heard her compliments. His head fell and he closed his eyes. What was this place? Raising his head again, he moved closer so he could lower his voice and still have Diana hear him. "Don't tell anyone this, but I think the glowsticks gave it away," He smiled. "Oh, it's your birthday? Well, happy birthday Diana Hummel! Now I wish I had brought a birthday present, but..." Patrick put his drink down on the ground and started searching through his pockets to see if he could find anything. "I didn't know that this was happening. In fact, I don't really know anything about this place..." He continued to mumble, before he found something and he pulled it out. "I'm sorry, but the only thing that I can give you is a stick of gum."

DIANA: Eyelashes fluttered in confusion. Because she didn't see anything about herself that would bring a party. Diana didn't have a lot of self-worth. "Most people are here for my brothers. Were triplets, you see. They are very popular and beloved, .and they should be because they are perfect. But I am still new...perhaps one day I will have as many friends as they do. But thank you ever so much for your kind words, sir." She leaned forward and pressed a kiss into his cheek. 

His little joke made her laugh. What an amusing man.to be honest, she had never met anyone quite like him. "I'm still learning too...Don't fret; you seem clever. I'm sure you'll figure it out." At the offer of the gum, she smiled. "It is okay, sir...The best gift someone can give me is their time. I'm not quite used to getting attention. But I do enjoy it quite a lot. So perhaps we could get a drink?"

PATRICK: "I'm aware that siblings tend to compare themselves with each other, but I'm also pretty sure you shouldn't do it, because you're not them," Patrick said, giving the girl a small reassuring smile, before continuing to offer her his philosophy of life. "I don't really think it matters if they're popular and have a lot of friends, y'know? As long as you're not surrounding yourself with toxic people, then you're good." He couldn't help the slight blush that came over his cheeks as he felt her press her lips against his cheek. During all of this, it was unexpected. Maybe this nightmare was turning into a dream. 

He wanted to ask what she meant when she said that he'd figure it out. He was still confused about it all, but he decided to drop it instead. It didn't seem like the thing the girl needed right now, and Patrick decided to instead focus on cheering her up. He leant back down to pick up his almost-empty drink and stuck the gum back into his pocket. "You don't have to call me 'sir', y'know? You can just call me Patrick," Licking his lips, he tasted the sweet Jack Daniels. "You're not used to getting attention? That's how I know this is a dream..." He mumbled. "A drink sounds good. Lead the way?" Holding his arm out, he offered Diana his hand to get up from her seat.

DIANA: "I could never compare myself to them. I could never be so bold. My big brothers are my idols. I adore them. But thank you so much for your kind words."  When he blushed, she giggled. It was rare for her to make someone blush. Normally it was the other way around. 

A small pour on full lips; when he said not to call him sir.  Delicate finger pointed to the cuff on his wrist."While in public I must refer to you with honorifics. For you are a Switch and above me in social status.  " When he inspired about the attention, she smiled."I'm kind of shy when I'm not dancing."  Happily she took his arm and lead him to the drink table. "What would you like me to make you Mr.Patrick?"

PATRICK: "You don't hear that a lot, especially not from siblings," Patrick nodded, impressed. "It's nice for a change." He was so used to always hearing siblings bicker about silly little things. He didn't know Diana at all, so he wasn't sure if that was a thing that they did, but from the sounds of it, it seemed like it wasn't. 

Patrick had noticed the cuff earlier, but figured that it was to unlock the door to his room or something. Apparently not. He knew he'd chosen 'switch' because that was what he was, but why did that have anything to do with the titles that he should be given? He was so confused. "I'm above you?" He furrowed his eyebrows. He was not getting it at all. "Wait, is this like a dom/sub thing?" He knew what it was, he practiced it, but...was this just a world of it? "Oh, so you dance? What kind of dancing? And why aren't you out there doing it now?" Patrick asked Diana, growing curious about the girl. He wanted to get to know her better. He hummed lightly as his eyes scanned over the many options. "How about you surprise me with your favorite drink?" He gave her a grin, hoping that it would encourage her. 

DIANA: The Hummel Triplets were far from ordinary; all things considered. Probably too close for the comfort of most. But the love between them was solid. One would be pressed to find one to say something negative about the others. The love between them was solid.  “I love them more than I love myself. I’d do anything for them. I’d die for them…” Eyelashes fluttered as she looked down at the floor bashfully. 

“Yes, I must show you reverence.” Diana’s free hand found it’s way to her collar. “Because you are a Switch, which comes above a Submissive. The collar indicates that I am a submissive. What we are in is a Caste System.” When he questioned if it was a dom/sub thing, Diana nodded..”I hope I am explaining this okay….I am entirely new myself. But again, I have my brothers to lead me. And I want to make them proud. So I must be a good girl.” 

When Patrick inquired about what dance; Her face lit up. “I was a Prima Ballerina. My Big Brother Riley is going to request a studio for me. But until then…I am just concentrating on working and being the best submissive I can be. And there aren’t jobs for Prima Ballerina’s here.” There was a nod when Patrick said to surprise him. Diana always liked fruit things. So quickly, she made them both screwdrivers and handed him over the glass with a smile. “Cheers, Mr. Donovan?” A giggle escaped her.

PATRICK: Patrick was kinda of amazed with the adoration that Diana had for her brothers. It was wonderful to see, and it intrigued him. What were her brothers like, since she loved them so much? He bit down on his lip as he thought of his next question, not knowing whether he should ask it or not, but feeling brave, he went for it. "You love them more than you love yourself?" He started out, not really knowing how to word the next sentence. "I'm sorry, but I should probably make it more clear...I'm an only child, I don't really know what it's like to have siblings. I mean, I have friends that I'm really close with and I consider brothers and sisters, but I don't think I love them more than I love myself. I don't know...I feel like you should come before anyone else, in terms of who you love, y'know?" Patrick wasn't sure if he was making himself clear, but he hoped that he wasn't crossing any lines. It was quite a deep conversation with someone he'd only just met. 

His eyes followed her hand up to her neck. He'd wondered what they were; he'd figured that they were just some sort of local, cultural thing that people wore, but it turned out to not be. At all. Diana was providing more information about this whole thing than he'd been able to get out of the secretary at the place where had to make a decision. It was nice for a change. "No no, you're doing great!" He assured her. He wanted to give her a smile to make sure that she knew he meant it, but a pained and confused expression lingered, and he couldn't shake it off. It was just so much to take in, all at once. "So, I'm a switch. Does that mean I'm below the Dominants?" 

It was wonderful to see how happy she got, after he'd asked about the dancing. It was a welcomed change from before when it had been clear that she had cried. "Oh wow, that's amazing! I hope you get that studio, I'd love to see you perform at some point!" 

Patrick accepted the drink with a smile on his face and clinked his glass with hers. "Cheers, Diana!"

DIANA: When Patrick wished to confirm that Diana loved her brothers more than herself, she nodded. There was a small, sad smile on her face. “Oh, yes, they mean everything to me.” Head tilted, and confusion read on her face, as he continued. Diana’s family was big. Once upon a time, she had felt it was too big. Though since she had come here, she had begun to appreciate her step-siblings. “I do not mean to disagree, sir. But I don’t think that is the point of love. I think the point of love is it is bigger than yourself. Loving is the only thing I’m good at, other than dancing. Oh, I think when you love someone, it’s supposed to be all-encompassing and big!” Arms spread out wide to emphasize her point. 

The information that she was doing great; made the prima ballerina beam from ear to ear. “Thank you! I am happy to serve you, Mr. Donovan.” When he inquired if it means he was below Dominants, Diana nodded. “Yes, Dominants are the highest in this society, switches are the middle, and submissives are the lowest. So, anyone that is a Dominant, you would have to show reverence. But your fellow and Switches and Submissives you can call by name, and treat normally.” 

“Oh, I definitely will get the Studio. Big Brother Riley, always keeps his promises. And he loves me so. He’d never break his word.” When they clink glasses, Diana moved in closer. “You are quite lovely sir. I know this place can be scary. And I am sorry if you find here a discomfort. But the circumstances being what they are, I am glad we met. I would like to get to know you more. Would you like to join me in the cabanas? They are very comfortable.?”

PATRICK: "Huh..." Diana's explanation of the love thing wasn't exactly what he'd expected. He was pleasantly surprised by it. "Don't say that you're only good at loving and dancing, I'm sure you're good at millions of other things! Like, smiling. You're really good at that, if I may say so myself," Patrick said, a hand coming up to scratch the scruff on his cheek before motioning to her. "And, I mean, you're great company, and you're really good at explaining how you feel - not a lot of people can say the same. That's just my observation after having hung out with you for, what, 5 minutes?" 

It was all starting to somewhat make sense to Patrick, although he still couldn't quite wrap his head around the fact that he'd been chosen to come here. It was all very weird to him, but he kept quiet for now about it. "So, I can call you Diana then, yes? Or would you prefer I call you something else?" It felt weird to Patrick. He wasn't exactly new to this; this was normal for him - but back in New York, not on some island that he apparently couldn't escape from. He wanted to make sure that he was being respectful, even if he was supposed to be the one dominating the girl. 

Patrick nodded, listening to the girl. He wasn't sure who Riley was, but if he was staying on the island, he's most likely run into him at some point, he didn't doubt that. He took a sip of his drink, before noticing that Diana moved closer to him. His eyes traveled from hers down to her lips and back up again, before he was able to send signals from his brain to his mouth, so he could respond. "Yeah...yeah, I'd love to get to know you better. You're one of the first people here who have made me feel comfortable, so I won't pass on that opportunity," He gave her a toothy smile, something that was rare for Patrick, and he took her hand into his and started walking through the crowd and towards the cabana.

DIANA: Patrick was quite dreamy, and she wasn’t talking about his immaculate facial features.  It was his personality that captured her attention. Even in his confusion, he spared time to be kind to her. That was not something she’d soon forget. No, this was a kindness she’d remember and cherish. “You are so very kind, sir,” her head shook, but she couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. One that only increased when he told her, she was good at smiling. “I was quite sad but being around you as cheered me up exponentially. “My family is so proficient and amazing. I always feel like the odd one out. The useless one, all I offer to a situation, is positive words and fruit baskets.  Thank you for being so kind….It has brightened up my birthday.” All the word Puck had put into cheering her up, sadly, had been dashed by the meany dom. “You are amazing, Mr. Donovan; I do hope we can become friends…” 

When he inquired if he could call her Diana, he nodded. “You can call me Diana. I’d like that quite a bit. Most people either call me Diana or Princess…But you don’t have to call me that.” The blush increased on the already rosy cheeks. “Is there a title you’d like me to call you, Mr. Donovan? Something special? I would be more than happy to comply.” Hazelnut hues cast downward, nervously. Curious if he liked to be called something else. 

Nervously Diana bit her bottom lip as she noticed Patrick looking at her. “I’m glad…Before I came here when I wasn’t dancing…I kind of faded into the background. I’m glad that I could make you feel comfortable. I know sometimes things can be scary….But I always feel like the unknown is less scary when we have friends. You know?” Happily, she took the other’s hand as they made their way to the cabana. The girl sat down with her drink and took a small sip.  While her other hand didn’t let go of his. “So, tell me about yourself. What makes Mr. Patrick Dovovan, Mr. Patrick Donovan?”

PATRICK: "You know what though? Sometimes being the positive one in the family means that you're the most important one. I mean, you can have the funny one who always delivers the jokes at the dinner table, or the one that you call when you've gotten yourself in trouble and they'll come and get you at 3 in the morning. But to be the one who offers kindness and love is so valuable, especially in families," Patrick told the girl, shrugging his shoulders. Perhaps it didn't "seem" as exciting as being the party person, or the rebel of the family, but it was still so incredibly important. "I say we're definitely already friends. I'm glad I could help turn that frown upside down." 

Patrick's paranoia and weird feeling about being on the island was starting to go away, and he felt more at ease, thanks to Diana. He chuckled and shook his head, holding a hand up. "No, you don't have to call me anything. I'd prefer Patrick, but if there's a formality thing in public that we gotta keep up with, then Mr Donovan is just fine," He told her, smiling sincerely at her. She was being way too sweet for her own good. "I like 'Diana' - it's a lovely name, and it fits perfectly." 

His eyes caught her biting her lip, just seeing her perfectly white teeth cling onto it softly. Was it getting hot? "I'm sorry, but I don't really believe that. Have you seen yourself? There's no way in hell someone as gorgeous as you just "fades into the background," Patrick said and took a sip of his drink. Sitting down next to her, he smiled at her question. "Well..." He started, making himself more comfortable on the bed as he leaned back against the rest. "My dad's Irish and my mom's Italian. Together they had me and we lived a quiet life in suburban Long Island. I'm a painter, an Aquarius and there's a common myth going on within my mom's family that we're all somewhat related to Julius Caesar," He told her and gave her a small smile. "How about you? Besides dancing, what else is there to Diana?"

DIANA: “I believe in everyone so much with all my heart. I just wish I could find in myself with the same zeal. People here seem to get upset when I talk poorly about myself. Thank you for making me feel important and good. I guess the past five years, and I got used to being a bad girl…” Eyes cast downward as she thought of Mr.Ludwig. People here did not seem to react to him well. It was hard for her to comprehend. For the longest time, she just thought he was in the right, that he just wanted her to be perfect because she wanted to be accurate.

For a moment, she was lost in thought, but she shook her head and smiled. Especially when he said they were already friends. For a moment, she set the drink down. Arms wrapped around his neck, and she gave him the biggest hug. Soft full lips pressed up against his cheek. Supple barely clad body pressed up against his.“Oh, thank you so much, sir! I will try my best to be a good friend to you!” It was evident she was excited at the prospect. 

“Okay! I will happily call you, Mr. Donovan. Perhaps in private if I am brave enough, I can call you, your first name. “ Eyelashes fluttered up at him as she finally let go of him. “Sorry….I can get a bit over-excited at times, sir.” It was evident she was slightly embarrassed. “I apologize if that was too forward. You are just so kind…You make me feel lovely. Even about something as silly as my name.” Nervously she began to play with the chestnut hair before she picked up her drink again. A longer sip of the beverage taken, it hopes of calming her nerves.

“You think I’m gorgeous?” Diana is all smiling; she finds it hard to contain herself. “You are a painter? That’s so interesting. What style of art do you paint?” When he mentioned Julius Caesar, she began to laugh. “Et Tu Mr. Donovan?” she said in a cute teasing tone. “I performed the Ballet Rendition of Julius Cesear before. I was Calphurnia….” For a moment, she paused and wondered what she did other than dancing. “Since I left my family five years ago…My whole life has been dancing. I lived, breathed, ate, my art…It’s really only since I got here that I have had time to explore other things. It’s nice to have time to explore myself…Even if it’s a tough adjustment.”

PATRICK: Nodding, Patrick listened intently. It did sound like there were some self-esteem issues, but it wasn't his place to say anything. He'd only just met the girl, he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with herself. "I think everyone has those periods of time where they pour more love and affection into other people than themselves. I mean, it's only human, especially to be your own worst critic, right?" He knew that all too well, especially when it came to his art; he could be very harsh on himself if he didn't like what he was making. "You need to give yourself some credit though. The love that you have for them clearly comes from the best place; you've only got yourself to thank for having such a big heart." It felt like Diana needed to hear something positive about herself, and Patrick was trying. He wanted to get to know the girl better, so he could tell her about the positives that he saw in her. 

Suddenly he felt a pair of arms sneak around his neck and he almost fell backwards at the impact. With a small "oomf" escaping his lips, one arm moved to the side so he wouldn't spill any of his drink on her, and the other moved around her, his palm flattening on her back. He couldn't help but chuckle at how excited she was. "That's okay," He started out, his voice coming out in a laughter. "I don't doubt you for a second." He could feel her breasts press against his chest, the smoothness of the skin on her arms grace against the nape of his neck, the lips on his cheek again, causing a low but quiet moan to escape his lips. She pulled away, and Patrick's smile had turned into him licking his lips and taking a step backwards, composing himself. He cleared his throat before he spoke up again. "Yeah, I'd really like if you could call me 'Patrick'. Or 'Patty', if you want?" He offered, and managed a to present a small smile, still trying to get over what just happened. "Don't apologize, please. It's perfectly fine if you want to hug me, I'm not going to say no to that."

"Mhm-hmm," He hummed and took a sip of his drink. "And I don't think I'm the only one who thinks you're gorgeous. I mean, it's pretty obvious," The sweetness of the apple juice from the Screwdriver lingered on his tongue. "Um...mostly just oils on canvas, small sketches; life studies and such," He told her before cracking another wide smile and a shrug at her little joking comment about Caesar. "I highly doubt that we are related, but it sounds cool to say, so I tell people the story and they usually enjoy it." Listening, it was clear to Patrick that there was such a big passion for dancing, for the girl. She lit up in a way, when she spoke about it. "Oh yeah? What have you discovered about yourself?"

DIANA: Diana had ridiculously low self-esteem. It seemed from various things that built up over time. “I was timid, I still can’t be shy. I am trying to work on being less shy here. It has been difficult, though. I always fear I am annoying, people will get sick of me, or will overstep my bounds.” The people here were so kind, however, which was a great help. “It is people like you who show me such kindness…That makes things easier for me. So far, tonight is the only time I’ve seen cruelty. It wasn’t directed towards me, but I could see the pain my brother was in. I just wish I could be more help….” She sighed softly but then shook her head. “But let’s not think of sad things. Not when we are having such a pleasant time.” 

The feeling of his hand against the small of her back was pleasant. It was firm, secure, and warm.  “Okay, I’ll call you Mr. Patty, I like that name. It’s so happy. It is a happy-sounding name. In private, I shall call you by just your name.” Even at her birthday party, she was naturally obedient. When he said he could hug her, the girl slipped her arms slipped around him again. Her body snuggled up to his side, head rested upon his shoulder. “Then, I would be more than happy to oblige, sir….”And she was, he had a very calming aura about him. It made her feel extremely comfortable.

For a moment, Diana thinks of all the people who said she was pretty since she got here. Maybe her sisters were right. She was her own worst enemy. “If you’d ever required a dancer to pose for you, I’d be more than happy to oblige. I can be a good girl and stay still.”  For a moment, her eyelashes flutter and tickled against his neck. “It’s a good story; you are very much a skilled orator.” For a moment, she paused and blushed. 

“Due to circumstances before I got here, my sexcapades were often dictated by others. For the first time, I am trying to figure out what I like…Not what other people like for me. But I’m afraid I might have some naughty desires…I know most people think I’m naïve and dumb…But I do know things! People made fun of me when I first got here because I didn’t know what cream pies were….But whom I was with before wouldn’t ever allow such a thing. And it never came up.…. But I do know other things…I like to dress for up….” Out of slight embarrassment, she buried her face into the nape of his neck. “I like when my movement and senses are deprived and/or restricted…I like impact play…Everyone treats me like I’m so delicate I’m going to break….But I’m stronger and can handle more than they think.”

PATRICK: "Unless you explicitly go out of your way to push someone's buttons, then I can't imagine you'd annoy anyone," The thought of it was kind of strange to the guy; as far as he could tell, Diana was a lovely, sweet girl. He got a feeling that she was the type of person who wanted to please everyone and make everyone happy. He was the exact opposite. He liked to rile people up so much that they got frustrated with him, because he thought their reaction was funny. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, not knowing what the girl was talking about. He wanted to ask her what had happened, not having seen it, but she wanted to move on, and Patrick was happy to do that. It took his mind off of being new on the island and not knowing anything. 

He hummed lightly and smiled softly at the girl. "I can get down with that, Diana," He emphasized on her name, wanting her to know that he did really like it. The second hug didn't come as such a big surprise as the first one had, but feeling her settle in was a new feeling. It was nice. He arm snuck back around her, holding her there against his side. He wasn't unfamiliar with getting friendly with someone this fast, so he didn't have anything against it. It was a good sign that he was doing something right. 

"Oh yeah? You'd pose for me?" He asked her, taking a moment to act like he was thinking about it. He wasn't really. The girl was hot, she had a great body, and he was pretty sure that she'd make for a great model - he made a mental note of getting some art supplies, if he were to stay on the island. "I think we could sort something out. I'm probably not going to leave this place anytime soon, and it'd be good to keep drawing. But only if you promise you'll show me some of your dances." He said, raising a finger to emphasize on that promise.

Patrick listened as she started telling him about the things she'd done, during her stay. She was absolutely adorable when he felt her face in the crook of his neck, and he couldn't help but laugh. "I think it's because you move so elegantly; even when you walk," He started out, moving his head slightly to look at her. "It sounds like you've got a lot of living to do still. That's good. I'm kinda happy that you're not with those other people anymore. It's healthy to be on your own and figure yourself out." His hand started running slowly up and down her arm, his finger light on the silk-like skin. He was hoping it would comfort her.

DIANA: “Really?” Honestly, she knew she could annoy her sisters at times. She was annoyed by her self doubt and self-deprecation. It was one of the reasons why she left in the first place. It made her ever so self-conscious. The affirmation that she wasn’t annoying helped. It made her heart feel warm. Like perhaps her greatest fears were not valid. There were so many people since she got here, that tried to assuage her. Maybe she had to try her best to get out of her own head. “I’m hoping here…I could gain some confidence…I’m only really confident when I’m dancing. Like that’s me, I wish everyone could see all the time.” 

It had been some time since Diana had been held like this. When she was a perfect girl, Mr. Ludwig would. It made her feel safe and warm. Mr. Dovovan was nothing like her former director. There was kindness and warmth to him, Mr.Ludwig lacked. That made her feel exceptionally safe. For Diana, she craved attention to be validated. Therefore she quickly molded to whomever she interacted. Forever naïve and trusting of all those who crossed her path. Happily, she snuggled into the warmth of him. It was a simple thing, but it honestly did bring her joy.

When Patty asked for confirmation that she’d pose for him, she nodded excitedly. “I know you don’t wish to be here…But as long as you’re here, I will try to make your stay easier. You have shown me such kindness. All you have to do is name something within my power, and it’s yours.” When he requested to see her dances, she smiled so brightly it made the sun look dim. “Of course. I would be happy to put on a special performance for you.” It was nice to speak to someone who appreciated art; appreciated her skill. 

“Thank you….I will cherish that compliment. “ Diana’s head moved up, and her eyes met his. The beautiful full lips only inches away from his own. “Thank you…I did stuff, but it’s complicated. I think I was in a bad relationship before I got here….And we did a lot of stuff because I trusted him. But he often tried to keep me in the dark of the truth of what we were doing. It’s like he wanted me to stay naïve and uneducated. But since I’ve gotten here, I started reading up on stuff….I’m learning a lot. And I’ve met so many wonderful people who wish to teach me the right way to do things. Are you well versed in this lifestyle, sir???”

PATRICK: Patrick nodded, shrugging his shoulders. "Yeah, I don't really think anyone's presence just annoys someone. You gotta do something to get that reaction out of people," He couldn't see what she meant when she'd said that she was scared of annoying people. Unless she was a bit like Patrick and liked provoking people - but she didn't come across as the sort of person who'd do that. No, Diana was more timid and shy, but also incredibly sweet and gentle it seemed. She wouldn't do something like it. "What do you feel, when you dance? Like, emotionally?" 

At the mention of him not wanting to be there, he swallowed hard. It made him think about his family again, wondering what they were thinking, if they were worrying why he wasn't there to help his mom out with whatever she needed him to do. Images started flying through his head of what his funeral would be like, who would be there to mourn him. He needed to get out of this place, because he didn't want that to be a reality that his parents should deal with. For now though, while he tried to figure out how to get home, it was comforting to know that he'd made a friend in Diana, and that she wanted to make it nice for him there. "Wow, you're a regular Genie, aren't you?" A grin appeared on his lips after the joke. 

Growing concerned, Patrick's eyebrows knitted together, revealing the perturbed expression on his face. "He's not here, is he? Like, he couldn't possibly come and do you anymore harm, right?" He asked her, not wanting the girl to fall back into that kind of lifestyle again. It didn't sound healthy. At her question, Patrick took a moment to think. Was he well-versed? "Um...sort of, I guess?" He started out. "I'm not inexperienced, if that's what you think. I'm just gonna say that I know a thing or two about it. Why do you ask? Do I appear uninformed about it to you?" A teasing little smile hid on his lips as he waited for her answer.

DIANA: It didn’t seem that way with Diana’s sisters. Sometimes she felt that her mere breath annoyed them. It was one of the reasons she ran off ever so long ago. “You think it’s that simple?” Head cocked to the side in slight confusion. That is not how things had transpired in her life.  The next question got Diana thinking of something else. Which she was happy for the reprieve. “I feel perfect. I feel like I can do anything.” She said in a dreamy tone. “But when I’m not dancing, I feel like I’m perpetually the third wheel…The odd one out…” 

A giggle escaped the pretty lips, as Patty called her a Genie. “Oh, I would love that. Like I Dream of Jeannie, I loved that show as a child. I am aware of how culturally inappropriate it is now…..,” she pouted a bit and sighed. “Is it terrible for me to still love that outfit, though? It was so cute…” Honestly, she was easily confused by such things. “I think I’d look cute in it…” Nervously she buried herself into his neck against like an ostrich, hiding in the sand. “I committed a faux pas, didn’t it?” 

When Patrick inquired about Mr. Ludwig, Diana shook her head. “No, he isn’t here…..” For a moment, she looked perplexed, at the mention of harm. But she didn’t bring it up.  It was hard for her to understand she had been in an abusive relationship. In some ways, she wasn’t ready to come to terms with it. So instead, she just smiles, “Already protective of me? Like a Knight in Shining Armor.” She nuzzled his neck softly. “No, I didn’t think that. I’m sorry…I am just curious. What a guy like you would be into…. You are like handsome, cool, and strong Oh gosh I’m so embarrassing.” Her face turned to beat red.

PATRICK: Taking a sip of his drink, Patrick heard Diana's question and it made him shake his head. He swallowed before answering. "I think people are that complicated," He started. "No one's the same, you know? Sure, someone grew up watching the same movies as you or eating the same branded cereal, but something different's happened to everyone that makes them unique - and, therefore, react differently to things. I don't know, but to me, the thought of someone just existing being annoying is kind of extreme." He took another sip of his drink, finishing it and putting the glass down beside him. Patrick listened on as Diana described how she felt. "Well...we can't have you dancing 24/7 because I'm pretty sure that's not healthy, but it sounds like it should be some sort of goal, to feel that way even when you're not dancing." 

He let out a chuckle as she started to talk about the TV show. She was being really cute. "No, I don't think so. I think it's completely valid. I mean, her outfit was more shocking back then than it is now. But that's just looking at the wardrobe choices in that show, let's not get into the content, because phew, there'd be a lot to cover there," Patrick said, smiling. "Although, I'm sure you'd look very cute in her costume." 

"Good..." He started out, his voice low. He hated knowing if his friends were having trouble, and he generally felt protective of people, wanting to help as much as possible, if he could. Sometimes, that had resulted in him getting a busted lip or a black eye, but mostly, it could be resolved over a conversation, something that Patrick was grateful for. He shrugged his shoulders, smiling coyly. "I just don't want anything to happen to my friends, that's all." He explained. "I was just kidding, Diana, don't worry," Patrick chuckled. "If you do want to know, then yes, I'm quite familiar with the whole d/s lifestyle. I've mostly acted as the Dominant one, but I also quite enjoy being Submissive. Which, makes me a Switch, obviously."

DIANA: Diana liked listening to him talk, but she often felt that way about artists. They had such a beautiful way of expressing themselves and the world around them. If she were, to be honest, she could listen to him talk all day. “You are brilliant, Mr. Donovan.” The Prima Ballerina smiled up at him ever so sweetly. “You think everyone has something that makes them unique? I think that’s kind of beautiful….I guess that’s why I always wanted to be the perfect Prima Ballerina. Because I felt like I’m so blind…” The joke he made had her all a titter. “I’ve been working on it. Trying to be more confident. I’ve worked on talking and meeting people….Before I came here, I was painfully shy. Plus, I wasn’t allowed out much the past few years. But because of trying, I’m not lying here with you.” 

“A belly button? On my Television? Scandalous.” Diana made a funny face at him and moved. In the new position, she was on top of him slightly. The long slender but muscular leg slid around him.“Right? That is a whole mess. But I like things that are pink and cute. I know how stereotypical, right? I just…They make me feel good. So it only makes sense that I like the outfit.” At the compliment, she gave him a little squeeze. “I do love playing dress….” 

Hand reached up to his cheek; her thumb stroked it gently. “You have a good heart.” She leaned in and placed another kiss on his cheek. But this time, it was lower, closer to his mouth. “I think we shall be excellent friends.” She grows even more relaxed as he states that he’s kidding. “What do you like to do when it comes to d/s? If I may ask? You don’t have to tell me, of course….I’m just curious and eager to learn.”

PATRICK: Hearing Diana's compliment, Patrick sucked in a deep breath, his eyebrows raising before he let go of the air in his lungs with a chuckle mixed in. His hand went to the back of his head to scratch. He wasn't really sure how to take that. Sure, Patrick could be cocky, and he knew that he was good-looking and talented when it came to his art, but when it came to himself as a person, he wasn't really the best at taking compliments. He felt a slight blush creep up on his cheeks again, before he cleared his throat and gave a thanking nod. "Why did you feel blind?" He asked her, genuinely curious what the reason was. "You know, I'm really happy to hear that, because I feel truly lucky to be here with you right now," He gave her a bright smile. "I think, by the sounds of it, and seeing you here with me right now, you've done a great job of trying." 

Patrick was about to make another joke when he saw and felt Diana move. She was suddenly closer to him; pressed up against him. He swallowed hard. He wanted to listen to what she was saying, but the feeling of her body on his, her legs moving around him, her lips right there in front of him. He zoned out completely as he took in her features. She was absolutely gorgeous. Humming, he just nodded, hoping that it was the right answer to what she was saying. "Yeah, me too..." 

The feeling of her hand on his cheek caught him off guard. Where was this going? It was definite flirting, that was for sure. But what did that mean? "You can thank my mom for that," Patrick let out, his voice coming out full of air as if it had been knocked out of him. The kiss near his mouth had been the reason for that. He had to take a moment to think before he could answer her next question. He cleared his throat. "Um...I like a lot of things. Voyeurism, public sex, rough sex, edging, BDSM...I mean, hell, even vanilla sex is great, y'know?"

DIANA: Diana was running on liquid courage. Surprised, such a handsome and charming man would want to be entangled with her in a cabana. She was in absolute awe of him, his confidence. The one thing that always attracted her to people. The blush on his cheeks catches her by surprise. For it is her usually that is the blushing mess. Not that he was a mess. But it was rare for her to have that effect on people. “I’m sorry, I misspoke. I meant bland. Like in comparison to others, I don’t shine as brightly. It’s stupid, I know…” Fingers danced along his jawline. “Good. I want to make you feel nice. Because that is how you make me feel, I could stay like this all night.” 

Long brown curls fell into his face as she adjusted herself on top of him. A darling laugh escaped her as she looked down on him.  Eyes locked onto his, there was a forlorn look in her eyes. She noticed he wasn’t listening to her. “I know I’m boring; I’m sorry for boring you. I can be quiet if you’d like. I’ll do whatever you want of me…I’m sorry.” 

Gently Diana continued to stroke his cheek as he spoke. “If I could, I would. She did an excellent job raising you.” As Patrick spoke, she heard Eyelashes fluttered as a blush crept against her cheek. “No, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I ever had vanilla sex…I don’t even think I’d know-how. I don’t even know how to cum without permission….” Honest words spoke sweetly, even if the truth behind them was dark.

PATRICK: "What? I'm sorry, I'm confused, did you say that you don't shine as brightly as others?" Patrick asked rhetorically, before continuing. "Now that's a big fat lie if I've ever heard one. There's no way that you can go unnoticed anywhere," He scoffed and shook his head. Did she really think that she was bland? She was so beautiful, Patrick didn't understand it. "Yeah? I wouldn't have anything against that, I'm quite comfortable like this. And I've got amazing company." He smirked, before moving a hand up to run his thumb over her bottom lip softly before cupping her cheek. 

Hearing what she said, Patrick snapped out of it. "No! No. You're not boring. It's just..." He sucked in a deep breath. "You're beautiful," He told her, not knowing how to continue on from that and explain that he'd stopped listening because he was focusing on her lips, which probably wasn't the best way to get to know a girl. He looked up at her. "I just couldn't help but admire you for a moment there." 

The sudden thought of not being able to tell his mom that someone praised her way of raising her son hit him. He didn't want to think about his parents again, he wanted to just get home to them. There was definitely a way, he was sure of it. The good thing about the conversation that he was having with Diana, was that he didn't want to think about his mom at all, and it was a good distraction from what was going on. "You don't-" Shocked to hear that, Patrick moved slightly under the girl, his hands finding her hips. "That's...I don't even know what to say. So when you masturbate, how do you reach your climax?"

DIANA: It was something that Diana always felt. Crippling insecurity. In many ways, it controlled her entire life. To have someone call her a liar to her face was ever quite shocking. But she was thankful. “Perhaps I have been kept away too long. I am so happy you think so kindly of me. “ Her breath hitched as she ran his thumb over her bottom lip, and cupped her cheek. This was an excellent way to spend a birthday. 

“You think I’m beautiful?” The worry in her face went to bashful. Eyes looked down as she rested her head on his chest, nervously. With all the courage the submissive could muster, she leaned up and pressed her lips against the man. Immediately almost pulling back. “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry….I just let the moment take over. I’ve never done that before. I’m so embarrassed.” 

Trying to work through her embarrassment, the next questioned helped because she could be a matter of fact about it. “I only have cum once without permission, and someone talked me through it. I only masturbate when people tell me I can. If not, I just don’t touch myself. I do not want to be a bad girl and disappoint anyone……I’m weird, aren’t I?” She looked up at him innocently and sighed.

PATRICK: “You don’t deserve to walk around, thinking that no one’s gonna notice you,” Patrick spoke up, not wanting her to feel like she was no one, or that no one would notice her. It was fairly obvious to Patrick that that wasn’t the case at all, based on her beauty. “It’s not being kind, it’s being honest,” He shrugged his shoulder. He wasn’t lying. Kindness had nothing to do with it, it all came down to the truth. 

He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. She really had to ask him? How could this girl not see her own beauty? Nodding, he licked his lips. “Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? I’m surprised that a mirror hasn’t begged you to just stand in front of it, so it could look at you. I mean, that sounds very Disney-like, but seriously, you’re really beaut-” He was cut off by the sudden feeling of here lips on his. And as sudden as it was that she was kissing him, it was also really sudden when she pulled away again. 

Patrick wasn’t sure what to say or do, or how to react. It had all happened so fast. But he did know that she shouldn’t be apologizing. His hand moved up so he could put a finger on her lips to shush her gently. Then, he leaned in to replace his finger with his own lips, in a soft and delicate kiss.

[sarahburness]

Loving Yourself Through Addiction and Relapse: Be Patient with the Process

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela

It’s a cold winter day. As I plunge my hand down into the wax paper bag, I fully expect to find another bite or two. But, alas, there are only crumbs.

A distinct wave of sadness shoots through my heart. The chocolate scone is gone. And I don’t even remembered eating it.

It is in this moment that I wake up. I quickly shake my head from side to side, as if rousing myself from a long night of troubled dreams.

What have I just done? What about the vow I’ve made to myself, again and again?

For years I have known that the best thing for my body’s healing process is to eat fresh, whole, organic foods (lots of leafy greens, fruits, and nuts!) and to avoid ingredients that overstimulate my endocrine and nervous systems, such as sugar and wheat flour.

And yet, today, here I am again. Eating some stupid, cheap scone I picked up on impulse at the local bakery. Full of who-knows-what ingredients.

Here I am again. Ignoring my own wisdom. Falling back into the food addiction that has plagued me since childhood.

Today I have lost control.

I pull my car over into a parking lot. (Yes, I have been mindlessly scarfing that darned scone while driving!) I take a deep breath.

Now is definitely the time for some self-love.

Addiction is a Dirty Band-Aid 

Whether you struggle with a food addiction like I do or you deal with drug or alcohol addiction, every addiction is the same. An addiction is a loss of control over one’s behavior.

Our addictive behaviors don’t just randomly happen for no reason. They are a symptom of a deeper issue.

Why do we get addicted?

That scone or that cocktail or that cigarette brings about a temporary cessation of suffering. They block sadness, tension, fear, pain, boredom, and anger. They numb any and all negative emotions.

To put it simply, an addiction is a coping mechanism. It allows us to trudge onward in life, but without really looking toward the deeper issues.

An addiction may be a short-lived, temporary cure for the pain—but, as we all know, it’s not a long-term solution.

Running to our addiction is like slapping a Band-Aid on the wound—a Band-Aid that is dirty. Over time, the wound gets infected with the dirt and grime, and it worsens rather than heals.

The Addiction is Not the Problem

Here’s the thing about addiction, dear friends: The addiction is not really the problem. The addiction is the glaring symptom.

If we can look deeper than the symptom and see the situation from a holistic point of view, then we may begin to bring about a resolution to much of the suffering in our lives.

So, what is the deeper issue? What lies at the root of addiction?

Ultimately, all addiction—no matter the type or the severity—stems from a lack of connection. When we feel disconnected from other people, from our society, from our deepest hopes and dreams, and from a sense of love, then this disconnection brings about powerful emotions. These emotions hurt, and so we run to the seeming solace of the addiction.

The addiction may seem, on the surface, as if it’s the problem, but actually it’s not. The addiction is, in reality, a helpful pointer, showing us that there’s some internal healing we need to do.

The wonderful thing about addiction is that it is a powerful red STOP sign. It screams loudly: “Look! There’s a problem!”

Addictions help us get in touch with our inner self. Just like a cough helps us connect with the needs of our lungs (do I need fresh air? do I need more exercise? do I need to take certain herbs?), an addiction helps us get in touch with the needs of our heart.

Our heart is the seat of all emotion. Our heart is where feelings arise, are felt, and then released.

When we feel a lack of connection and love, we do not feel safe. We do not feel safe enough to explore the many emotions that can arise as a human being in our daily lives.

When we feel disconnected, negative emotions can feel overwhelming and scary. This is particularly true for those with abuse or trauma in their life history.

The addictive behavior is a misguided attempt to self-soothe. We believe that if we eat that scone or we drink that beer, then those scary emotions will stop and we will somehow be safe, somehow feel connected again.

But we all know that doesn’t work. What ends up happening is that, once the temporary high wears off, we are left feeling crappier than ever.

The addiction is not the problem. The problem, rather, is the false perception that there is no love, no connection.

Rising from Bottom

The cliché of the “rock bottom” is a cliché because it’s true. Most addicts eventually experience it.

Rock bottom looks different for everyone. It will have varying levels of intensity and consequences.

For some, the bottom is drastic: a suicide attempt, an illness, or a hospitalization. For some, it will simply be a very sad day when they realize that the time has come to change.

This time of rock bottom is the moment when we begin to wake up. It’s the time when the healing can truly begin.

For me, my rock bottom with food addiction came when my body had disintegrated nearly to the point of death.

I was on my perhaps my tenth round of antibiotics that year and having a severe allergic reaction to the medication. Delusional with a high fever, unable to lift myself from bed and barely able to call for help, I realized I probably would not live much longer if I did not change just about everything in my life. Shortly after, I began to explore the world of alternative medicine and began to clean up my diet.

We can think of this rock bottom—this intense realization that things need to shift—as the bottom of a spiral. This spiral begins at ground zero, and it moves upward through time.

As the days, weeks, and months pass, and we dedicate ourselves to a new way of being, we will have various challenges that arise. We will learn and grow and allow our emotions to be felt, rather than running from them. We will heal old wounds from childhood that have been lurking for many years.

Over time, with patience, we will be slowly shifting our perspective. We will become a new and better version. We will be moving from contracted perceptions of disconnection, lack, and fear, into expanded perspectives of connection, abundance, and love.

Through the adoption of various healing practices such as meditation, support groups, therapy, prayer, Reiki, or exercise, we come into greater harmony within ourselves. We learn to love ourselves.

Relapses and the Spiral of Evolution

In my struggle with addiction (not just with food, but with many other substances over the years), I have realized I am grateful to addiction. Addiction has played a very powerful role in my spiritual evolution.

Addiction is a powerful point of change. It is a journey inward. It the journey of becoming aware and conscious.

As we humans make this journey, and break the cycles of addiction, it’s so important to remember that change is not linear and it’s often not easy. Relapses happen.

The spiral analogy can be helpful. If we imagine that we are travelling upwards in consciousness, to greater and greater levels of joy, power, and self-awareness, then we can avoid traps of self-blame when we do occasionally relapse.

That day when I woke up to find scone crumbs on my lap was a challenging day indeed. I’d just had a disagreement with my roommate and was struggling with money issues. When I stopped at the bakery that day, intent on buying some tea, those scones whispered sweet love songs to me and I could not find the willpower to resist.

In that relapse, I temporarily lost sight of my own truth: That I want to avoid sugar and wheat flour in order to heal my body.

In that relapse, I was returning to the particular side of the spiral that was so known and comfortable: running to unhealthy food for comfort.

And yet, even though I had returned to that old familiar side of the spiral, I actually experienced this relapse from a greater height! In other words, in this relapse, I was able to more quickly move past it and get back to my own power.

It took just a few minutes and I forgave myself and moved into self-acceptance. I did not beat myself up.

In that cold car on that cold winter day, I placed my hands on my heart, and whispered some words of love and reassurance to myself. In the past, in the beginning of my healing journey with food, I might have added a cookie or a brownie on top of the scone, as a way to escape the terrible emotions of self-judgment and guilt. But—this time I didn’t! 

Love Yourself and Heal 

A relapse is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens.

If you or someone you love has been healing a pattern of addiction, please know that patience is key.

The spiral of evolution will bring you situations that will test your courage and self-awareness. Sometimes you will succumb. And that’s okay!

If you wake up and suddenly find yourself acting in a way that you know is not your highest good, then congratulate yourself for waking up. Take stock of your long-term changes and pat yourself on the back for coming this far.

Notice how you can more quickly bounce back from the relapse, with greater levels of patience and self-love. Notice how awesome you are!

Ultimately, the journey of addiction recovery is a journey of healing. And it’s a journey all humans go through, as we refine to greater and greater levels what it means to love and care for ourselves.

About Anya Light

Anya Light, PhD, is the author of Opening Love: Intentional Relationships & the Evolution of Consciousness. Her soul mission is to inspire people to greater and greater levels of self-love. Anya offers intuitive life coaching sessions at AnyaLight.com.

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