#i always imagine people realistically in my brain when i read a story. reading the manga i was like “hmm he's also short and blonde”

[desifugo]

pls dont kill me for this but thorfinn looks like a brown eyed male version of sabrina carpenter in my mind

[purgemarchlockdown]

On Narratives, Victim Dichotomies and Amane’s Voting

(Also Known as: I'm sick of not being opinionated on my blog about opinions, lets talk about narratives)

(CW: Child Abuse, Cults, Child Death)

(Disclaimer: As I can imagine there’s probably going to be a lot of people reacting defensively to this so what I'm stating Right Now is that I Do Not Believe that most people voting Amane Guilty is doing it because they believe her abuse was justified. This is not, at all, designed to be an accusatory post.)

So a few days ago I read the “MILGRAM” x “Clock over ORQUESTA” interview which you can read right here.

It’s a really interesting interview and I recommend reading the whole thing but the one that caught my attention was this part.

Yamanaka: That's a difficult question... I'm always conscious of emotional control in my work, but in “MILGRAM”, the content has more live feeling to it. So the story progresses realistically based on the presence of the audience. I think I used a different brain than I have been using to create works up until now, I see it as necessary to think very three-dimensionally. I'm currently trying to turn the audience into characters in my work.

This was really interesting to read and made me immediately think of Amane’s voting.

So Amane’s voting situation is currently trending downwards, even with the initial boost from Double she's been going down slowly recently. This is in stark contrast to the large amount of innocent votes she originally got when Purge March released the first time.

Now the reason I connected the two is that I've noted a narrative being formed between the audience and Amane, specifically, an abuse narrative.

The Text

Let's take a step back to the T1 voting landscape, one that I was admittedly was not apart but I do however know what happened. Amane was voted guilty to make her better and to help her realize that the cult was bad and hurting her. Jackalope acknowledges this intent in the T2 and is dismissive about that idea.

Jackalope: It doesn’t matter whether it’s a child or whatever, when you commit a crime… what? Jackalope: ...Why are you making that face? Jackalope: Are you thinking “I want her to realize her sins" Jackalope: No no, no way…

This verdict comes right after Es Restraining her in the T1 VD. Something Physically Violent that causes her an intense amount of Distress. You can hear her struggle during it, with her breathing heavily and her tone of voice becoming panicked and scared.

In this part she's even surprised that Es would be violent like this.

(Translation)

Amane: What is it? Are you resorting to violence?

Now most people in general would become panicked and scared when restrained. But considering Amane most likely has Experience in being restrained to be harmed, something that we have evidence for in Magic due to the punishment sequences. There is a good chance that Amane was Triggered during this moment.

Amane is in a noticeably worse mood after this, wanting to start a fight with Mikoto.

21/04/16 

Amane: ………… Mikoto: Oh, welcome back Amane! ……what’s with the grim face? Ah, right, the guard summoned you! How was it? Did you cry? I bet you were so scared you cried, right!? Amane: ……alright then. If it’s a fight you want, it’s a fight you’ll get. Mikoto: Huh? Oooi! Hey, are you listening?? Ooooi!

Now this is a T1 Amane, and no matter how blunt or even "bratty" T1 Amane could get, she is never outright aggressive except for this moment. Even when she feels threatened and patronized by Shidou she doesn't react with aggression but frustration, first trying to explain to him why it feels bad when he does that and when he ignores that, saying she'll find someone else to teach her.

Plus, due to information from T2 we can assume aggression is not approved of in her cult. This is the only moment in T1 we see her be outright aggressive towards someone. Right after being physically restrained by Es, and Mikoto antagonizing her by invalidating her feelings.

When Amane got that guilty verdict she was confirmed something, that Es was Willing and Able to Physically Hurt Her. When the restraints from the T2 Guilty Verdict came it also meant that Es and the other prisoners who were innocent are in a position to harm her with her being unable to fight back.

Not only that but the ideal we were denying when that verdict came down was not her cult...it's her "sin" that sin being her Will To Live.

It's easy to believe that what we deny in T1 and T2 is her cult, that's the most obvious thing after all and that's what Amane brings up in her T1 VD.

Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!

And to some extent we are denying her cult by giving her this verdict! However, that isn't the main thing Amane is asking us.

In the T1 VD the main thing Amane is concerned about is the concept of "free will" and how "seriously" her feelings are being taken.

A: I see. Then, are the things that I as a twelve-year-old think irrelevant? Are you going to cast aside the feelings that I know I have in this very moment, purely based on the fact that I have not yet lived for a very long time? Judging these things based on someone’s age will not take you very far. Do I, at age twelve, not have my own will? Does Muu-san, at age 16, have more of a free will than I do? Does Yuno-san, at age 18, have more of a free will? Does Fuuta-san, at age 20, have an entirely free will?

If we're breaking this down to the basic concept, this is the question Amane is asking us.

"Do my wants and feelings matter even if I'm a child?"

Magic gives us one response to this. No.

Magic treats Amane's pain as "comedic." With Amane being portrayed as childish for reacting so negatively to it. Her wants and feelings Don't Matter. It isn't a big deal. Why are you being so sensitive about it? We're just trying to help you.

This is important to consider when it comes to the questions Amane asks her god, and the Audience.

Dear wise one, Is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes? I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah! I won’t say “I’ve had enough” Will you laugh with me and forgive me?I take an oath! I can only become a better girl!

Is it alright to be weak? Can you forgive me for being weak? Is it alright that I Did This?

Amane never stops singing this, and she never declares herself a "good girl" In Magic and not only that, she rejects the Idea She Could Be One in the Fist Place.

Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile Forever, forever together would be a dream

"Only if" a condition, the requirement being Amane be good. And yet she's treating it like a dream, something unachievable and unreachable.

Now where did I get "will to live" from? It's not something super noticeable in Magic but if we go to the interrogations...

T1 Q12: What is the meaning of life? A: I think it is something you learn for the first time when you look behind yourself when it ends. I do not want to have regrets then, so I live on with all my might.

There it is!

As we know, Amane was been waterboarded

beaten

sleep deprived

electrocuted.

And also has No Medicine or Vaccinations, and is possibly malnourished since her vegetarian diet might not be Planned Properly and thus can't provide her with the nutrients she needs (though that's speculation on my part.)

She most likely has a weak immune system due to the amount of Stress she's been under for most of her life, and lack of sleep can also weaken your immune system. Not to mention she isn't immunized against diseases...like the flu. Which Can Kill You, especially if you have a comprised immune system and No Vaccines.

Not only that, waterboarding, physical beatings and electrocution aren't exactly things your body is designed to survive, especially with no Medical Care. Waterboarding can kill since it's Simulating Drowning and if there's no oxygen in the lungs you Suffocate, Beating...beats you, electrocution sends electricity Through Your Body, and even if the voltage is Low it can and has Killed People.

These are all very dangerous things to go through, especially without any sort of medical care. So when Amane says that, she says that with the knowledge that she could have died, many, many ways, and many, many times.

These we're all done to "save her" to" purify her sinful soul" and Amane has gone on record to describe this as "Love"

T2 Q2: Do you believe you were loved? A: Very much deeply.

And has also gone on to define love as "mercy"

T2 Q9: What does love mean to you? A: To spread mercy with no limits.

To spread mercy with no limits...like being a child perhaps? Even if your a child, you can be granted "mercy" and "salvation?"

(Jackalope: It doesn’t matter whether it’s a child or whatever, when you commit a crime… what?)

These actions were done to "help her" and would have Killed her.

Now, we didn't know about Amane's mother in T1 and admittedly there was not much evidence of her being the victim before T2. However we Do have evidence it was life or death...because Amane was horrifically punished before committing the crime in ways that could have actually killed.

The implication here is clear. If Amane doesn't Do Something she is going to die. It's not a question of If, it's a question of When.

When she asks god if its okay to be weak, when she asks the Audience if its okay to be weak. She is asking if it was alright to Choose Herself over "What is Right." And we said No.

The Audience

Now, you might be feeling some dread now. I am at least and I'm writing this damn thing. The intention of the T1 Guilty Verdict was to "help her" and yet through that it has repeated a pattern of abuse. In our actions we have punished her so she can "learn" and pushed her closer towards a possible death (the death penalty.)

So when T2 Amane rolls around she's aggressive, unwilling to listen, has doubled down on methods of self-punishment and her cult's world view, is physically restrained and presumably punished in other ways, hears voices telling her she's wrong, and is Self Isolating.

This is Really Bad. We've put her in a state that resembles how she acted in her abusive environment, and it is Our Fault. Let's not weasel our way out of this, this entire series is built on that idea that the actions of the audience have consequences.

As Barfsunny even pointed out, The T2 Amane Cover art resembles the scene in Magic where she "punishes her Mother."

And since she's facing the Audience, we are being put in the Role of Her Mother.

The same person who did this to her:

We are, to her, reminiscent of her abusers.

If we go back to how Amane reacts to Threats, she is notably only aggressive when she's being Threatened and Cornered.

We can see this with Es and how they restrain and have authority over her. We can see this when Mikoto antagonizes her and her feelings, we can see this in Shidou when he patronizes and invalidates her feelings.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

And we can see this in the Audience in how we voted her guilty and decided that she should Be Hurt.

Now that we've established our connection to her abusers...let's talk about that Dichotomy I mentioned in the title and how Purge March (and Milgram as a whole) purposefully plays into it.

Victim Dichotomies.

So what do I mean by this? Well it's very common in fiction and audience reactions to categorizes victims as either "good" or "bad." With good victims often being appealing, pitiful and a naturally "good person", while bad victims are aggressive, unappealing and tend to do "Bad Things."

Now these are subjective terms, since...morality is subjective. But it is a trend in both fiction and fan spaces to categorize victims using a sense of what's morally justifiable or not. I was in the Steven Universe Fandom, that was/is a Thing There.

Now, let be clear here, there are absolutely destructive, harmful, maladaptive, ways of coping with trauma. However Moral Catagorization of it is neither productive nor constructive, it just makes it easier to demonize people for not "handling" their trauma properly.

This is relevant to Amane because she is repeatedly portrayed as "scary" in her MV.

Look at the use of lighting and framing, the camera being positioned slightly lower to make the audience feel smaller, a constant shadow on the band members faces that makes them feel...well...cast in shadow. The bright light of the eyes feeling inhuman and unnatural, the dark lighting of the room feeling ominous. With a white figure standing in front of a dead body.

This is what you do when your trying to portray something as "scary" or even "evil."

Amane: Both pain and illness are trials. According to our teachings, those who run from them are the worst evil there is. That’s one of the four great principles. No matter who you are, that cannot be forgiven. Amane: Oh – speaking of which, there is one among the prisoners right now. An evil existence that’s trying to steal people’s trials away from them.

Running away from pain, Amane? Stealing away people's trails for them, Amane? Like choosing to save yourself from being punished again? Like choosing to help a cat?

Not only that but the lyrics of Purge March is this:

The “It can’t be helped”, from the scum who can’t be helped That makes them doubtlessly, clearly, absolutely, unequivocally, beyond any doubt, GUILTY I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too

This is undeniably a revenge song. This is Amane Momose's Revenge Song. Her fantasies about being able to be the one punishing this time and not having to be in pain again are at full front here. She Wants to hurt her mother.

You are supposed to be Scared of Amane Momose. This is the Expected Audience Reaction.

Shidou is brought up in her VD, both for foreshadowing purposes and to make you Anxious. Amane wants to hurt Shidou, Amane wants to hurt Shidou. A constant reminder of the possible consequences of Letting Her Go Unpunished. If you don't punish her Now she could hurt someone Later.

Once again, we are being put in the position of her abuser. Only this time there really is a few things at stake.

Though I will like to mention, most likely the only reason why Amane was able to kill her mother in the first place is because she had two weapons, the umbrella and the taser.

Something that was brought to my attention by deerlydreaming is that you can actually hear the Buzzing and crackling of the taser throughout Purge March. Most notably it becomes A Constant Part of the Instrumental at the end. That Taser is most likely what Amane used to prevent her mother from escaping her before continuing to murder her. This makes sense because Amane is probably physically weak and twelve years old.

And while Amane Can catch Shidou off-guard. Shidou not only wants to live because he needs to Help People, the rest of the prisoners are aware of her hostile intentions towards him. He is not Safe by any means, and Mahiru is still being threatened, but he is Not In As Much Danger as you might think at first.

And, Notably, characters like Yuno and Fuuta, who are involved in the medicine, are treated patiently by Amane. Even if she's a bit rude or unwilling to talk, Amane is willing to answer their questions and give them advice. This is not Just About the medicine.

I mentioned that Shidou makes Amane feel threatened already, but the anxiety from Mahiru is probably because she and Shidou parallel her parents. I talk about it a bit more over here but the jist is not only does Mahiru have notable lyrical parallels with Amane and similarities in world view (Love = Pain.) Mahiru has also asked Amane about her parents.

20/07/06

Amane: You want to know about my family……? My father is a truly wonderful person. He’s honest, values fairness and justice above all else, and will work himself to the bone for other people’s sake……. Why do you want to know? Mahiru: Oh, I was just wondering what sort of parents you must have for them to have raised such a good child like you. Fufu, I’ll keep it in mind for the future when I raise my own family. Amane: I see. If it will be of use to you, I’ll tell you more. It’s still a long way off for me, but for someone your age the prospect of finding a partner and having a family must be feeling a lot more real. Now that I think about it, I recall my mother was around your age when she gave birth to me……

Mahiru is both around the age her mother gave birth to Amane And thinks of her as a good child and wants to use them as examples for how to raise "good children."

This is why Amane wants her dead but also wants her to be apart of her family, she's less condescending and hurtful so Amane has some positive feelings towards her but she still reminds her of someone that Hurt Her, badly. Muddying it a bit.

My overall point though is, Amane plays into the good victim/bad victim dichotomy. She's a bad victim, a bad kid, not good enough. She's scary and bad and childish. She's not an "ideal" victim.

This connects back into her cat imagery. Where Amane is portrayed as the Cat.

(Purge March Cat having Different Injuries gets to me)

Let's all note that the bow and medal are two consistent parts of her costuming and they are her collar, and that she also has a collar in her prison uniform.

The cat is repeatedly conflated with sin and impurity, both here and in other instances of the cat. There's another cat in Magic and that cat is Collared, implying that cats Need to be collared or else they'll do something "bad" unlike all the other animals who can walk without them.

Cats need to be Restrained and Domesticated.

Or else they will do "sinful actions."

(Don't we all love the dehumanization of the vulnerable? Im personally fond of it, please let her become an actual monster in T3 Milgram Im begging you-)

This isn't the first time Milgram has done this! They did this with both Haruka and Muu!

Haruka is portrayed notably creepier in AKAA than Weakness. While Muu is portrayed so pitiful in After Pain and then In It's Not My Fault...well...

I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same God gave me everything, everything is as I wish

(Using MV translation for the sake of clarity)

And again, not to say these behaviors aren't destructive, harmful and maladapative. I'd for one say Muu is Very self-destructive in her behavior and shoots good things for herself in the foot. But the point is that these characters Also play with the concept of being a "good victim" and a "bad victim."

And of course, if your not good enough, you will be punished.

Conclusion

I'd say something about voting here but I think its really obvious what I want people to vote Amane as. But more importantly I think its important to consider what narrative the story is trying to tell. What is trying to make you Feel and Why. There is a meta-commentary here about the way society treats vulnerable people. Especially ones who are considered "unappealing." It's...remarkably easier, to punish someone that's been hurt once it's been decided they aren't "good" enough. And I think that's important to consider when voting.

[familyagrestefanblog]

Sorry, I just need to get this off my chest.

You know what's shit?

That I always come back to work on my explanation posts on why Alya, Plagg, and Emonette being treated unfairly and being disregarded by Maribug's writing is by now pissing me off to similar degrees as her bad treatment of Chat Noir

But that always ends in a domino effect of me putting together more of the overall narrative that ticks me off so much cause my ADD brain can't NOT look for the continuous string of the writing pattern I follow once I'm at it.

You probably can imagine that this isn't very good for my mental health and the only reason why I'm still doing it is because I have a strong suspicion on what the new story arc will do with Cerise after this agonizing hiatus, and only once the actual new story arc proves me wrong can my ADD brain let this emotional investment of 7+ years in my "comfort show" since I was a 16 rest in peace.

Being neurodivergent is exhausting of FUCK...

So I always stop writing any of the posts about the other topics and come back to my Adrichat corner because that's the "safe space" my brain is the most familiar and comfortable with by now since season 4 to make a post AT ALL that isn't running the risk of leading me down 7 new rabbit holes I can't unsee anymore afterwards...

I MISS looking into several narrative threads in this show and voicing my opinions on them. In hindsight, I regret not having done it more when it was still possible, but I feel like it should have been alright in any other normally written show to have a fan blog dedicated to a specific part of the story. I feel like I shouldn't be the one in the WRONG for having done that.

Anyway, I honestly MISS the time where I knew that Maribug's benefit and comfort weren't the only things accepted as "valid" readings of the story. From both sides. Supporters and critics/salters.

Where saying anything that isn't immediately connected to Marinette's benefit and comfort didn't need a full-blown 20 page essay post going into any detail possible to fight for the right to even be taken seriously as a realistic reading of the story at all.

I know I'm not the only one upset at this, but I wonder how many people really realized by now how batshit insane this is right now. That only the most vanilla and vague-ass posts that do their best to not in anyway say something that would be "mean" and "non-validating" to Marinette can be posted now without it automatically being categorized as at least "critical" or running the risk of getting perceived as salt or wishful-thinking.

You can't point ANYTHING out anymore without at least one person running in and either saying "You just HATE Marinette and want to see her punished! You people never care about HERRRRRRRRRR (regarding a topic that isn't about her or is her fucking JOB as a narrative tool to DO)" or "Yeah, nah, the show would never let that happen because of the Marinette bias lol"

You can't even say anything anymore about Adrien's abuse without it being either undermined to all hell because of Marinette having been bullied and needing to be a girlboss who does to others what she's declared "tortured" for, or Félix "hypocrite and victim-blamer" Fathom. Gabriel being abusive was once the most basic ass thing to talk about, what the fuck happened?? (don't answer that, I know the answer...)

The whole analysis' side of this fandom that isn't catering to Marinette was either killed or basically exiled into the "critical" or outright "salt" tag because you can't even be interested in world-building anymore without having to fight for the post's right to be taken seriously under the crushing weight of Marinette's narrative benefits and comfort.

Because mademoiselle ain't fucking interested in ANYTHING lore wise beyond what's convenient for her (not to mention the retcons), so talking about the Guardian and Kwami lore for example counts as SALT now because it automatically implies for people that Marinette isn't all that matters and her flaws of not being interest in ANYTHING might actually COUNT as flaws she should work on. I know, the fucking HORROR! 😱

I MISS writing theories, analysis posts, and speculating about this shows future plots in even the most basic "set up and pay off" manner but I know I can't because my default approach is always complementary to the main character - meaning what challenges them and the narrative the most to grow, expand, and develop. This isn't a Marinette specific thing, I ALWAYS do this.

And contrary to popular belief in this fandom, I get by perfectly fine doing that for the majority of other pieces of media I consume. It is MIRACULOUS and this damn Fandom that now genuinely did it's best to convince themselves that this level of main character centric morality and revenge porn level writing is NORMAL when it's seriously NOT.

There is a REASON why this show hardly ever gets recommended on social media the way one would think despite its success. Or why the Fan backlash is so enormous despite a solid part of the Fandom already having left long ago and the young target demographic not uniformly having a voice in the social media discourse.

Or why people actively advise others AGAINST watching the show, AGAINST forming an emotional investment, and AGAINST going anywhere near the Fandom.

Cause no fucking shit, this isn't normal.

[marzipanandminutiae]

Finished A Haunting On the Hill. Assorted thoughts without spoilers:

At first I wondered why Hill House was focusing on all of them equally instead of picking a single victim from the beginning the way it did with Eleanor. Then I realized that bringing it a bunch of traumatized queer theater people is basically like presenting someone with a Golden Corral buffet

My babygirl (32) is all grown up (dead for 60 years) and haunting the narrative (Hill House, only appearing as anything like a distinct figure for like 5 seconds near the end while the story focuses more on a random Merricatcore teen boy OC, in terms of past victims)

This felt like a...different take on HH, I guess? More focused on the house as an unequivocally evil entity whereas in the original, I sympathized with it a bit. HOWEVER. I recognize that the original has one POV and it's that of a woman slowly falling under the house's spell. So I don't hold the altered perspective against it- and there's something of Eleanor's mindset in the house's chosen tribute this time around, as the story unfolds

I thought Eleanor feeling at home there was as much a product of her own independent IssuesTM and outlook on the world as manipulation by the house. However, the way it was presented in the story as purely the latter, this time around, worked for me because that attitude was explored.

I don't prefer the interpretation that it's just one of Hill House's tricks myself- shocker to anyone who knows me -but I can accept it as a valid reading. If that makes sense

This is definitely a more Modern Horror take on the house, which I did not enjoy when it became jarring. No actual body horror/gore, but it leaned way more in that direction a few times than I liked

My biggest complaint: too much showing; not enough leaving things up to the reader's feverish imagination

That was one of the original's biggest strengths and what makes it, still, ranked among the scariest novels of all time. This go-around, you see EVERYTHING the characters see, and they are always within sightline of the Weirdness. No mysterious noises from the other side of a door. Nobody glancing back and shrieking at someone to not do the same. Just "there was an apparition/object moving/sound without a source and the character was in the same room and here's what it was."

Hill House bby who filled you with modern trash furniture. I will kill them and not in a fun, subsume-y way. It's realistic but Thanks I Hate It regardless (not a writing criticism)

I DO adore the genre of "the present looking back on a historical fiction story or a work that has since become historical fiction" so that aspect was fun. Reddit threads about Hill House- I bet they're legendary

Overall: A fun, fast read. Did not reach into my brain and heart and Pull Levers the way Haunting of Hill House did, but I generally enjoyed it

We all get something different out of Hill House- or it gets something different out of us

[a-dragons-journal]

On Questioning An Archetrope

So I'm turning over the concept of a potential paladin (or something similar) archetrope in my brain now.

I have... kind of always viewed myself as a guardian. I've been the Mom-friend, the one people go to for advice, for practically as long as I can remember. I have a protective streak a mile wide, partly due to my territorial instincts from my dragonself. I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but suffice to say that growing up I had what I would now, for lack of better words, call a rich imagined reality wherein I (and my few closest friends, though I hung onto it the longest) was a capital-G Guardian, a hero of blade and armor, a protector of the world.

Later on, in high school, those same friends and I took on a more realistic protective streak, primarily in the form of a habit of adopting girls who a) had just been through bad breakups and/or b) were being harassed/stalked by creepy boys and literally bodyguarding them throughout the day. I still fantasize about scenarios where I get to protect people, often strangers, on a regular basis, for no real reason other than it makes me feel good. I want to be that. I want to be a protector, a shield and sword for those who need it.

My first D&D character was a paladin, and a fairly stereotypical one (although not fully Lawful Stupid). Shail is a tiefling who was abandoned at a temple doorstep as a baby after they were born, raised by one of the priests as their father, and later took up arms after being inspired by a visiting paladin and took the Oath of Devotion. They were my first experiment with they/them pronouns. I am realizing their choice of class may also have been a bit of projection.

I don't know how much of this is inherent to me and how much is something I chose and how much is something I want to choose.

A brief tangent: it so happens that I very recently saw the musical Man of La Mancha, which is based on Don Quixote. While I was vaguely familiar with the story of Don Quixote, I'd never actually read or seen it in full in any form until now. I did not expect to be as touched by it as I was. Don Quixote is... for all we often make fun of him for the windmill incident, ultimately I think Don Quixote is someone we could all stand to learn from, and perhaps even to aspire to. To stubbornly, doggedly, adamantly adhere to honor and justice and a view of the world where good prevails in the end, to fight for what's right no matter the odds, to swear yourself to these things despite the way the rest of the world laughs at you - perhaps the world would be a better place if more of us were Don Quixote in this.

"A quest?" "How you must fight? And it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, if only you follow the quest."

"To dream the impossible dream. To fight the unbeatable foe. To bear with unbearable sorrow. To run where the brave dare not go. To right the unrightable wrong. To love pure and chaste from afar. To try when your arms are too weary. To reach the unreachable star."

Perhaps the recency of this exposure to Don Quixote, and my thoughts and feelings about it and about him as a character, is influencing how I'm reacting to the exposure to archetropy. Or perhaps my reaction to Man of La Mancha is indicative of my resonance with Don Quixote as someone I would argue has an archetropal identity (if of the Knight Errant rather than of the Paladin, though the two really aren't that different) himself. Perhaps both.

Either way, I think it's an admirable thing to take up such a mantle in the face of the world's cruelties - to take up the Guardian's armor and sword again, illogical as it may be, and to aspire to such a lofty ideal as this despite the way the world may consider it foolish or daft.

(And there I go getting poetic prose-y again. Perhaps that's also part of why the paladin archetype appeals to me, ha. I have been known to monologue.)

Even my job can be argued to fall into the paladin - a healer, a helper, a servant who at least tries to value The Good Of The Patient above all else. it's not quite a guardian role - but then, a paladin is often a healer as well.

On top of all of that, there's the fact that when I, out of curiosity and experimentation, put a major problem of indecision I've been facing regarding my current job hunt through the lens of "what would a paladin do," it immediately answered the question with "wouldn't let the difficulty of the task scare them off." Which didn't completely solve my problem, but solves a good solid chunk of it.

So it appears that this may be a helpful tool for me. Even if the thought of "what would Xenk Yendar do" is a slightly silly one. (And yes, Xenk Yendar is an extremely good representation of what paladin looks like to me - and perhaps it's telling that I really latched onto him as a character almost instantly upon watching Honor Among Thieves.)

Perhaps my one big hesitance to latch onto the paladin archetype is the religious connotation of a paladin - while I suppose my relationship with Asclepius could qualify, under the "paladins are also often healers" thought, Asclepius does not cover most of what draws me to the paladin archetype. But a paladin doesn't always have to be religious; in D&D paladins technically draw their power from their oath, Xenk Yendar comes up as an example of a paladin who doesn't obviously seem to have a particular god, and besides none of the alternative archetypes I'm finding or coming up with fit quite as well. The Knight Errant is close, but requires wandering in a way I am thoroughly uncomfortable with (I am still a territorial beast at heart) and also implies seeking evil rather than defending from it.

So... perhaps that's not as big a block as one might think. I'm going to chew on this a while longer, and I'm certainly open to suggestions on similar archetypes for my consideration, but... I might have tripped into a new alterhuman identity. Oops.

[wileys-russo]

hello, I’m sorry im late to the party with this one but I wanted to drop in and talk about ‘in the blink of an eye’ for a bit because I loved it so much (this is mostly about part 1)

• the setup is so relatable, its like quicksand and within the first few paragraphs Im hooked.

• I think what I like about this the most is that the dynamics here are very clear, you can imagine how people fit into each other’s lives and how they help and support each other, they have a routine and a comfy life and ugh I cannot talk about how I love your world-building enough.

• (sarcasm) I love how you built up this fluffy cute relationship just to have it crumble and hurt my feelings THANKS.

• I know it’s not meant to be funny, but I giggle every time I imagine alexia saying “jesucristo!”

• I really like the way you wrote the main argument scene, the way it unfolds, you can see both of their perspectives. How each point is laid out one by one is very thoughtful and deliberate and it’s a very very good buildup. More importantly, I can see where it starts going a little off the rails as well.

o I really like how it becomes “crazy” towards the end with sentences like “is there someone else”, I think it’s a good representation when people get flustered and start acting irrational which steers the whole thing out of control.

o Things like “oh you love me but not enough to marry me” are like the arguments I expect early-twenties couple to have. It’s reflective of the fact that they love each other but they are in fact very young people that still need to learn and grow.

o Overall, I think this had so much character, I can get a good sense of their personalities and their flaws.

• Come on we all know Eli is going to be the MVP of this series also, lets all collectively thank eli! That interaction with Eli and Alba was awkward in a cute way but everyone should take a few steps back and let Eli cook.

• Yeah, school didn’t work out for the main character but would love for them to just lawyer flex on people at some point in the future and show their law prowess.

---

As always, I hope you are well and have a good day!

P.S 1: I hope you had a wonderful vacation; it was super sweet of you to line up fics while you were gone, they were absolutely smashing

P.S 2: I really appreciate you replying to the last ask with more Fresa stuff, I absolutely love reading about fresa, the BTV, and FTV universe! Thank you! Kid fresa and alba dynamic is immaculate

i’m literally so obsessed with when people share their thoughts about stories broken down like this so THANK YOU SO MUCH for the insight into your brain as the reader 🥹🥹🥹

in the blink of an eye is some of my favourite work i’ve written because it is quite a different situation than anything i’ve written for before and i did my best to make it as realistic as i could without obviously having experienced this myself so that means a lot 🫶🏻🫶🏻

i really am working hard to finish part 4 i know exactly what to write it’s just actually writing it that’s the hard part as silly as that seems!

thank you nonny 💛💛💛

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 3x12 Thoughts

I have always loved, and still love, that Ted moved to London and loved it. He acclimated, or more than acclimated. The three years was a story about new places and people and experiences and old ghosts that followed him there. I understand that the one thing in the middle—a kid, not a ghost, who still exists in the place left behind—necessitated him making a painful decision. I am mourning that because Ted had to make the decision to leave London, the magic of arriving in a place and never wanting to leave has been broken. He had to re-outsider himself, and I can imagine many complex (and realistic, damn it) futures for him, including futures that would involve him spending significant time back in that place, but there's a real sadness in just...the leaving. He's doomed to return (or not return) instead of just getting to exist there, after we've gotten used to seeing him in an environment that suited him.

Something I'll love when I'm able to be more mature about all this is that Ted doesn't argue with Rebecca when she tells him she wants him to consider the possibility that Richmond is his home.

Something I love now--as painful as it is--is that Rebecca seems, in a lot of ways, like she's in love with Ted. He's slipping away, and instead of wailing about how much she'll miss the biscuits, she sits herself down in front of some croissants. (And while I don't particularly like that the Dutch man has returned to her life in such a magical, serendipitous way that only timed out because of her tremulous, seemingly to-the-wire decision not to get on that plane or say anything more to Ted, a charitable and practical part of my brain is glad she'll have companionship if she couldn't have what she spent most of this episode seeming to believe she wanted. Even if what she wanted wasn't actually romantic. Or wasn't supposed to read as romantic. Even if it did.)

The immediacy of Ted's emotions in 3x11, when he has the fight with his mom and it's so clear that he's got to go back and face what he's run away from, reminded me of how sharply he can feel. So it was really hard to watch him be almost stoic throughout this episode in the way he pulls away. He leaves everyone well, but everyone else's feelings are so big and he's kinda glazed over, and I didn't expect to feel the wind knocked out of me with the force of Rebecca's longing for him to stay.

(And I'm so glad that Rebecca didn't sell all of the club, instead taking her ownership down to just 51%, but I'm also glad she cares enough about Ted to have genuinely considered it. I'm so glad she and Keeley are going to work together to form a women's team. I'm so glad she promoted Roy to head coach, and that he's actually going to work on himself now that he knows he'll be working to be his best self rather than someone else. I am glad Ted was only dreaming about Beard and Jane marrying at Stonehenge--Ted has never understood how seriously bad that relationship is. I'm glad life is moving on, but it's just. So. Painful.)

I know a lot of people will talk about how this was a disappointment after all--a savior story with a pat, happy ending, rather than a true love story. But my feeling is that it genuinely was something better and sadder than a savior story...a narrative about choice with a tragic end. (And I don't mean "tragic" to imply that he shouldn't have gone to be with Henry, because I think he needed his reconnection with Henry to take place in Kansas, very essentially. It's just that everything else about the ending is tragic.) Maybe Ted spent the last three years at home, and maybe it won't hit him until much later, the magnitude of all that he's left. I like that it wasn't a happy ending, even if there are happy parts. I don't like that people will mistake it for a happy ending, even if a happy ending that angers them. I don't expect people to feel good about this paragraph, but it's the thing that's saving me where this show is concerned.

This is my favorite show. I've never obsessed over or connected to a piece of media quite like I have with this. I don't particularly care about the better things out there, and I'm not particularly curious what my next obsession will be because I'm still in this one. The finale didn't ruin the show for me, but I feel like I'm being stabbed by the last ten minutes, by the pain of the end really being about that impossible choice feeling impossible for as long as our eyes were trained on his face.

[nextinline-if]

I’ve seen people ask authors who they’d ship their characters with, but I’m curious which ROs, from other WIPs, are your favorite? Is there any specific reason?

I absolutely love your story so much! You’re wonderful!

I'm unsure if both of these asks are yours, but I'm sorry it took so long to answer (like months RIP). Screenshot one was recent the other is older. Also thank you anon for your sweet words. <3

I appreciate your no-choice-patience <3 This is such a fun question. I read it wrong for about 4 months and kept stressing about which ROs to ship with mine. My brain was NOT working.

I'm being fucking serious, unfortunately. Please laugh at me in the comments. </3

Here are some of my favorite ROs from other WIPs:

Seven - @infamous-if; I can write a paragraph about why I like Seven but does anyone really want that? Heh. When the game first started, I was SO ready to be like "f you Seven, you jerk!" And then we find out that Seven still has that tattoo. Okay, interest peaked. Well, played. You got me f'ed up. I like to play tropes where it's from ex - to enemies - to lovers. Juicy stuff right there.

Ari - @theoperativeif; There's something really enticing about not just a slow burn but a slow burn that has the extra burn because of the obstacles in the relationship that prevent you from reaching each other. Ouch. I normally don't like slowwwww burns. Like, a little slow is good cause it's realistic but like where I ONLY get to imagine them in my MC's head or in memories? Got me f'ed up. (Again). I think I like this because of the trauma the two characters have faced together. Is trauma bond a tope? Don't know but let's go with that.

Blade - @shepherds-of-haven; On a surface level, you get a character who fights for those he cares for, has strong convictions, and is hard to get close to. I'm a sucker for those. But on a deeper level, I really enjoy the way his story is written and told. Unearthing Blade's past and trying to weave your MC into this complex character's heart. Not sure what trope is going on here but I'll take it all.

Sol - @theabyssal; Yeah, my Death is pretty pissed at Sol right now...but you're telling me that literal sunshine fell for Death? The Abyssal has A+ writing as is, but adding an incredible love story like that really hooks my soppy lil heart. The complexities...THE COMPLEXITIES. I'm on the edge of my f-ing seat here people. I want Sol to suffer and beg my Death for forgiveness. And my Death will make Sol suffer emotionally and then accept the forgiveness :') (she's a weak betch)

Dara - @ataleofcrowns; I mean, I LOVE forbidden/let's romance my general type of vibe. But Dara is an exquisitely written character. The whole game is beautiful but the characters are so full of depth. There's always another layer. Plus, I normally play a shier MC but I like catching Dara off guard. It's so enjoyable. Got me giggling and shit.

There are plenty of other lovely ROs from amazing IFs that I like but these came to the top of my mind and I didn't want to make this too long. I like tropes that f me up emotionally. More tears = better. Rip my heart out. Maybe put it back in. Maybe leave is on the ground. Author's choice.

That said, I go for a lot of different tropes and try to do multiple playthroughs to romance all or most of the cast. I think every character can offer something different and I don't want to miss out <3

[xjoonchildx]

It's award season (unconfirmed)! Give some of your mutuals silly little awards.

AHHH anon i love this. let me see if i can spread a little love:

@hobi-gif : best fanfic plausibility evaluator

we don't call her realistic hibo for nothing. hopie has the ability to read a story and in the most straightforward way tell you that you are absolutely smoking crack with your plans for plot/dialogue. not kidding when i say i could not live without her.

@thatlongspringnight & @hobivore: best content collectors

these two are ahead of literally everyone else when it comes to finding the best content on tiktok, twitter, the gram. thirsty edits, sweet translations, amazing photoshoots -- i really don't even have to keep up with any of it because these two deliver better than UPS.

@untaemedqueen: the queen of consistency (and impreg)

MAN what i would give to be like d. i've always been in awe of her ability to write fast and well. you could set a clock by her updates and she always always delivers what people want. also i feel as though the impreg note is pretty self-explanatory?

@jihopesjoint & @eoieopda: best mood lifters on the dash

these two always crack me up, either with their interactions with one another or with their individual posts. wit, wit, WIT in spades.

@miscelunaaa: most imaginative

em blows me away sometimes with her stories. i wish my brain worked the way hers does, with these vivid plot ideas and imagery and dialogue. also she's incredibly patient, considering i'll wake up at 3:00 AM and ask her a question about regency-era pantyhose

@kithtaehyung: best all-rounder

i'm gagged every time i talk to ryen because there's like ... nothing she's bad at? she writes incredible fics and she posts incredible art and she runs a shop and she does music production? and then i sit on my couch in pajama pants with one paw full of skinnypop like well damn where does she find the time?

@hoseokhasmyheartxx: best reblogger

i mean, we're both hoseok biases, right? i find that i am always hitting that reblog button almost as soon as steph has and it's almost always some devastating GIF set of the man we both love lmao

i'm sure i'm going to think of like 20 more as soon as i post this but here we are!

[idontknowreallywhy]

a Thing…

Confession: I’ve only ever written one tiny fanfic scene/concept for another fandom and never realistically intended to even try in the Thunderbirds fandom because there is so much out there that is amazing and frankly I don’t feel worthy of adding to it. My plan was basically to try to find a proper writer to bring my ideas to life buuut… @gaviiadastra posted this lovely fic about Gordon and Virgil…

Aaaanyway Virgil’s reaction in that to people being intimidated by his talent and not sharing their own attempts poked me in the brain and I figured… what’s the worst that can happen? The Thunderfam seems friendly enough… And maybe someone can give me some feedback so I can get good enough to do justice to the little stories brewing in my head one day.

So err, with all the caveats of FIRST TIME WRITING and I’M TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN TO PROOF READ IT and OH HECK PLEASE BE KIND…

*throws ficlet out into the void and hides under Jeff’s desk*

Mysterious Paint.

There has always been inexplicable paint on the ceiling of Virgil’s studio.

It wasn’t the swirling blues and greens and yellows that mystified him… he’d painstakingly covered the tantalisingly blank canvas with those the first year after they made the permanent move out to the island. It had taken several months worth of snatched half hours balanced precariously on stacked chairs or packing crates and he was pretty sure the process had aged his spine by a couple of decades. Maybe Michaelangelo had secret bionic implants because how ON EARTH he’d managed…

His family didn’t blink an eye - after all every item of clothing Virgil owned had some kind of paint on it and so it stood to reason everything he owned and the entire space he painted within should too. They put it down to a stereotypical ‘mad artist’ kind of flailing with a paintbrush 3ft back from the canvas but that wasn’t really how Virgil worked. He was more of a carefully considered, up-close-and-personal-with-whatever-surface-he-was-pouring-his-soul-on-to kind of painter (hence the neck strain from ceiling art application). His passion wasn’t deliberately messy - all those clothing stains generally came from letting a cuff dangle too close to the pallet, or when he stopped to think about his next stroke and the waiting paint would become impatient and drip from the brush on to his jeans. And he would have to confess that he did wipe his hands on his clothes sometimes… his rags stashed by his easel for that very purpose always seemed to have gone walkies at the moment he needed one (and usually turned up later covered in engine oil).

No, it wasn’t his painting style that was to blame - and he could prove it too because there were no similar stains in the lounge at the easel he used when he wished to be closer to his family while he created.

So there, Scott, it’s not as easy to explain as you imagine.

And yet, there they were - streaks and splashes in every colour he’d ever squeezed from a tube - laid down haphazardly over his existing masterpiece. He sighed. At one point he’d started painting over them but it just didn’t look the same and he felt almost guilty - as though he was eradicating something that was supposed to exist. In a way he couldn’t rationalise it felt more honest to leave them there. As if, to do otherwise would be denying some part of himself.

It bugged him, as any conundrum did. He wasn’t a fan of mystery as a general rule - he was an engineer. He was a fixer. When he faced the unknowable he either drew it in order to pin it down or hammered it into crashing chords and mournful melodies to exorcise the questioning from his mind.

He’d initially suspected someone was pranking him. Perhaps this was uncharitable as, for all his japery, Gordon would never vandalise Virgil’s creations… would he? But having EOS keep a log of every occasion his studio door was unlocked for a month proved his brother to be trustworthy… nobody went there when Virgil was absent but a series of silver slashes had been added in the meantime. He felt a sick, dull guilt for doubting his family.

And yet, UGH it was playing on his mind. A rational man, he didn’t believe in ghosts but he was almost willing to consider anything that would give him even a ludricrous ANSWER to the infuriating puzzle.

In the end, it was Gordon who solved it.

[chocosvt]

your writing is really, really great. im pretty sure HER has changed my life for the better. im bad at words, so im sorry if this is really awkward to read. the way you write wonwoo in it is so ? realistic? (for lack of better word) i relate to him So Much, from the little mannerisms to his whole thought process, it just makes so much sense to me, and the way he responds to situations- to people. its like someone peeked into my brain, and its made me realize things about myself too. you describe everything so well, i have shitty imagining powers (i think thats called like, aphantasia or smth?) but with how descriptive you write every scene, i can form vague pictures in my head most of the time when reading HER, which is again really crazy to me because i rarely do that. just wanted to say i really, greatly admire and love your writing, from the story and the plot to the way you craft your characters and the way you write it all. thank you, and i hope i remember your writing even if its the only thing i remember (is that how the saying goes? is there even a saying like this? not sure. sorry to go on a tangent and ramble in your inbox , but i just really wanted to tell you my thoughts. ) thanks again.

omg never apologize for going on a tangent! as an avid tangent-spewer i always encourage it & love reading it even more 💕

your ask was honestly so lovely & fulfilling to read! i've actually never heard the term aphantasia before, although i've heard that some ppl just simply Do Not think in picturesque little movie clips within their heads (which i used to think everyone did ...) so i'm honestly very surprised i was able to elicit those imaginative sparks!!

i'm happy you're enjoying the story & finding the characters relatable (even if it's through a lens of struggle) bc that's how i intended them!! thank u again so dearly anon, i hope u've had a wonderful week 💘

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Omg Kiko I am in TEARSSSS!! I spent the last few days frantically reading the manga from the Shibuya arc to present and reading your instalments alongside it so I could properly enjoy and understand what's going on in the story and now that I've reached 'All that I am is yours' I am atively cryingggg. I think I've cried at pretty uch everu instalment since Shibuya started, tears of sadness for Rinko and tears of joy.

Its been very emotionally draining but the very GOOD kind. And the fact that its a happy ending after sooo much tragedy really made it feel more special.

I started out as 🍬 anon, then accidentally outed myself😅 and gave up on that. And I just want to say how PROUD I am of you Kiko! I've been following you since 'Let me know you' and have become so attached to Rinko I cried with her when she was breaking and lonely as people she loved were dying, and when she realised she was loved and she managed to save some of those people and she was not actually alone. She just feels so human, the way you can truly see her growth over the course of the story and empathise with her. Even with the mistakes she made, her thought process and the factors that shaped it (like her mother) you truly managed to bring her to life and that is an amazing thing to do.

I'm so grateful I stumbled on your story and have stayed to reach this point and I just want to thank you for sharing this story with us and letting us be a part of the jounrey🥰🥰

Honestly I could go on and on about how you've managed to make all the characters feels so much more human and 3d and their relationships so much more deeper and the way Rinko has become so deeply ingrained into everyone's lives and the jjk universe I genuinely cannot imagine canon without her anymore. But I would be here all day

(But I will be posting a separate ask about the game because I didn't want this to get too long and I'm will go into more detail about my love of your writing and portrayal of the characters there🥰)

THANK YOU SO MUCH I APPRECIATE THIS MESSAGE MORE THAN I CAN EVEN SAY! 💕🥹

At risk of being repetitive, Rinko is my favorite character I've ever written. My goal with her has always been to be as emotionally realistic as possible. And I'm so happy with the result of that!

Another Level has been such a wild ride, but it's been an incredible one and we're still not quite done!

Thank you so much for reading!!! And for this message and for being part of our lil corner!!!!

There's more that I know I could say but my brain isn't working well enough to type it right now so I'm just gonna go with it 😂

[kimberlymckenzie-klemm]

Inspiration, Readers, and the Justification of Fiction

As a fiction author and a writer of non-fiction works, I am often asked, “Where does writing inspiration come from?” People sometimes worry about my writing and request directly to “not write about me.” I explain myself to such inquiries with the plea that those who worry about “snitching” come to grips with the nature of fiction. Life is the inspiration for fiction, but life represented in fiction is not an image portrait of people and places I know. Characters I create are composites and might come from a trait or two of someone I have become acquainted with, but they are never direct representations. I loath biographies and autobiographies and would poorly attempt to write those if called on. My non-fiction works are model theorem-based writings, and I do not use case studies, so, once again, almost everyone I know can feel safe that they are not used as examples (even with name changes).

I am always grateful to my readers. Writers need readers. Never knowing the exact impact of my books on my readers is the miasma of the writing profession. General decisions such as “I liked it,” or “Not quite my kind of material,” are commonly tossed around in feedback comments. While lingering hard for a literary or scholarly review is not my writing style. I like to hear that someone took the time to read my work regardless of their last opinion. “Thank you for reading,” is a response I feel is due to any reader of my writing as writing is useless as a task unto its purpose of words on a page. Readers fulfill a writer’s purpose. When a writer becomes complacent, readers know a writer begins a downward spiral into an uncaring, semi-belligerent relationship with the writer’s audience. Whether readers react to a writer’s books with praise or censure, writers must produce their best work in every published endeavor. It sometimes takes tough skin to continue to write. Coming up through years of rejection slips and resistant editors, I became a better writer with a realistic point of view. Not everyone will love a writer’s product, and not everyone will refuse a writer’s efforts. When I write, I hope to touch my readers in some way that gives back a reasonable exchange from the written words to the readers’ emotions, thoughts, or knowledge base.

I am unusual. I write both fiction and non-fiction works. I am half-lost when I do not work on fiction and non-fiction writing projects. Writing in more than one category balances the brain. This belief does not come from inexperience. I have tried to write simply fiction and wondered why I was wandering around during my day with “brain mush.” I have concentrated on non-fiction only to meet deadline requirements and experienced the creative spark eating at me to pen a fiction short story or two, disturbing my thoughts. When I focus on fiction projects added to my day, I know I am working on reaching readers further than a non-fiction book can involve. Coming to the page is an act of reason, creativity, and purpose. Fiction feeds my need to give something back about life while allowing me to adjust characters and settings for imaginative wandering. I do not write aimlessly. Transporting the reader to another place and time with fictive events and people chronicled lets the pages unwind for an armchair journey. Perhaps the book will satisfy a need for escapism or spark a new way to view the world. I am a reader and an author, and fiction is as worthy as non-fiction in contributing to societal value. I do not see the day has arrived to choose between fiction and non-fiction. Fiction and non-fiction are not valued alike, but they both require a serious decision on the writer’s part to pen a work meant for reader consumption. Fiction should not be second-class. My advice to other writers is to take writing seriously regardless of venue and to put forward the best work possible knowing writing for a readership is its own reward.

*Look for the next book of Fiction short stories "Slipping Sideways" coming soon.

Works (Fiction and Non-fiction) 

by Dr. Kimberly A. McKenzie-Klemm, CEO TPGR Solutions, LLC

The Rest Room https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-rest-room-kimberly-a-mckenzie/1121633488

The Dream of Keriye https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Keriye-Kimberly-Mckenzie/dp/132912541X

Rise Times Souls Love https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/rise-times-souls-love-kimberly-a-mckenzie-klemm/1126956790

Growing Past https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Past-Kimberly-McKenzie/dp/1495293467

TEAMWORK (Together Everyone Achieves More) https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/teamwork-kimberly-a-mckenzie-klemm/1126409904

The Quality 4P’s Model Handbook https://www.lulu.com/shop/kimberly-mckenzie-klemm/the-quality-4ps-model-handbook/paperback/product-8g2w5n.html?page=1&pageSize=4

The Quality 4P’s Model Guidebook for Chapters 1 & 2 https://www.lulu.com/shop/dr-kimberly-mckenzie-klemm/the-quality-4ps-model-guidebook-for-chapters-1-2/paperback/product-kvnn29m.html?q=The+Quality+4P%27s+Model+Guidebook+for+Chapters+1+%26+2&page=1&pageSize=4

[cosmicallyavg]

18, 19, 22

what is a line/scene you’re really proud of? give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

jhjdahkjd as embarrassing as it is every time i think about it. i genuinely am so proud of myself for the entirety of “let your eyes look up upon me for the better”??? like wtf was that? i wrote sex? and ive been told it was good? by many people? what???? like the whole thing could use a DVD commentary, like i could break down every line but that would take so long and i doubt anyone actually would read it all but ill just do a quick summary of my commentary for it.

i genuinely think thasmin has awoken something in me because never in a million years would i have thought i would want to write something mature and i actually did?? and still think of similar ideas to this day? but i really feel such strong connections to each of the characters in different ways that i wanted to depict in this fic, so i did. you could do a whole psychoanalysis on me based on the fic alone because so much of myself is in there adkjsgjsdf 

as an asexual person, fanfiction is a scary place to navigate because there is a lot of very explicit sex, which for some might not be a huge deal, but for me it is. so i wanted to create something that i was comfortable writing, and therefore would be comfortable reading, that still allows me to participate in that sort of writing. and i hope other ace people who are typically uncomfortable reading smut would be able to read as well. i wanted to write sex from what i call “the ace-gaze” where the focus is on the emotion and the characters rather than on the actual sexual acts themselves. and what better vessel to portray it than thasmin??  because i do sometimes want characters to do that kind of stuff, but i dont want to be quite literally disgusted reading it. smut always feels so fake to me. like ur telling me those people just Did that? and no one feels nervous or scared? unrealistic. dont want it. reading something else.

so seeing myself in these characters, i wanted them to be able to engage in such activities, but i wanted it to be realistic, to be exactly how i would imagine things to progress between the two. because with the doctor being asexual (they are and you cannot take this from me) and yaz only just admitting that she’s queer and therefore being inexperienced (my personal headcanon) i just Know it would be so awkward. and i didnt want to skirt around it, i wanted it to feel real. that neither of them know what theyre doing but they just want to have the experience together because they dont have much time left and they love each other 😭😭😭 

so yeah. there are so many layers to that fic and i could talk about it for hours analyzing every line i wrote but that would be. a lot to unpack. 

who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? why?

i genuinely typed up a whole response for this and then decided i wanted to change my answer so here we go jsdfhskjd

my range of characters that i have written is very very small but i have found that writing actions/dialogue for the doctor is a lot more fun than for a companion? like theyre so neurodivergent theyre just like me fr so a lot of the awkwardness comes naturally to me vs a companion that is generally less ND, or at least that they dont express it in a way that i can relate to and therefore can write easier.

now when it comes to exposition/the internal monologue of a character, using the companion’s POV is a lot easier bc it can be hard to express how i imagine the doctor’s internal monologue is. like thoughts jumping from one to the next to the next with seemingly no connection?? ultimately i Get it, like my brain does the same thing, so im no stranger to the process, but writing it in a way that is effective and that makes sense to readers can be difficult.

and generally the stories that i come up with are more easily depicted from the companion’s POV, so i get to do their internal thoughts and then the doctor’s actions/dialogue. so it’s often the best of both worlds!! but my current WIP actually is told mostly from the doctor’s POV so we Are switching it up a bit here soon 👀

TL;DR: ultimately it depends on what aspect of writing we are talking about, whether its actions, dialogue, exposition, prose, description, etc. because each character can be easier/harder for some and not the others.

have you cried while writing a fic?

no, but i definitely do write a line sometimes and i feel the sort of happy/sad/etc that i would hope my readers will feel when they read it. like sometimes i write something and im genuinely impressed with my capabilities because i type the line and i just Know the readers are going to eat it up

fic author questions <3

[roosterbruiser]

I have indeed had lucid nightmares. I think every nightmare I remember is a lucid one. I never knew that people didn't dream the way that I did until I was in middle school. I've always been one of those kids that used to read before bed, and sometimes under the covers too 😁. And I remember talking to my best friend and going, "I was reading this book, and I got to this part, but then I remember something else happening at the end." And she corrected me cause she'd read the book before and that was when we realized that I'd dreamed the entire ending that I remembered. It was an interesting conversation to have in the library and on the bus for sure.

As an adult, I guess I turned it into actual escapism where I was doing reader-insert shenanigans in my brain dreaming that I was on dates with these characters and subverting canon and then I'd dream about them too.

As to how I do it.... I just close my eyes and plot, like I would when writing a story, I guess is the easiest way to explain it? Like, I think of the people and places and conversations. And I use my imagination to get the sights and sounds and smells and anchor them in the story. That usually sends me right into the Sandman's clutches and then my subconscious picks the story thread up and tada! This probably isn't the best explanation, but I also fall asleep like this every night so I dunno how else to describe it.😅😅😅

It's kinda like having someone read you a bedtime story but you create the story yourself and inject yourself into it to?

- XOXO Star

this is genuinely so amazing? like I'm actually in awe right now? wow!

having lucid nightmares is fucking horrifying!! truly!! so I am so sorry!!

but that convo with your friend about making up the whole book ending literally floored me!! that would be so interesting and discombobulating! I have mundane hyper-realistic dreams kind of like that where I will like cut my hand or dye my hair or something that doesn't matter like that and then be super confused when I wake up!! weird!!

amazing that you can, like, control any of that. truly! that's like big brain stuff!! telling yourself a bedtime story is so fucking sweet, I love that so much!

the closest I've come to this is that I will sometimes wake up and be like genuinely writing a story? like not even imagining the plot in my head, like imagining the words on paper! it's very Kubla Khan of me

but I also fall asleep putting myself in little scenarios every night!! def escapism!

[mydarkstself]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ❤️

Awn am I one of your favorite blogs??? THANK YOU, I appreciate it so much! I am almost crying with joy, never thought this would happen one day! hahaha <3

Well, lets begin, then.

Fiercery - When I want something, I want something. You can call it true obsession, but I percieve my desires with all my might and heart. Even if I get hurt in the end, it is my nature to seek, to feel and experiment this world. Of course this has a dark side, and can be viewed as a flaw, as it can bring all types of damage for my life. But I love being a passionate creature, with the heart and mind of a force of nature.

Eyes - People always say that my eyes glisten with joy and excitement when I'm talking about something I trully love. And I think thats true. They're brown like dark chocolate, round and big. Eyes of a deer. One is darker than the other (have you ever seen heterochromia in brown eyes before? It's lit), almost unnoticeable, but when I am in the sun it appears like a beautiful surprise.

Gentleness - As an auDHD person, everyone thinks I am an asshole before trully knowing me, 'cause I am always with a stern expression on my face, arms crossed almost all the time. But This is my way to relax, it's nothing personal. I am a gentle person by nature. I love helping others, or listening their stories to understand them. Because I feel empathy very deeply. I would never deliberately harm someone, and not because this is morally wrong in our society, but because I just can't, it is not on my default way of acting. Sometimes this makes me get into real problems. People tend to take advantage of my naivety, 'cause I always think they wont hurt me. I don't understand the concept of hurting others, so I can't figure out people's real intentions most of the time. But it's on them, it's their problem. I have nothing to do with their evil acts.

imagination - My mind pictures things so vividly that I often get caught in a feeling of having lived something that was just a reverie. And as a result of this, I started writing as soon as I stopped playing with dolls, at the age of 10. Also I can make connections about things that weren't even remotely similar. Those super powers (I think I can call them super powers) were enhanced thanks to my design college course, as there we got used to stimulating the creativity at it's maximum. My undergraduate thesis was the most original and innovative among all the students (words from my professors, not from me. I redesigned a Geek Store, making inside of it a RPG's appropriate room, all technologic and ready for the loooong game sessions). When I was little I used to read A LOT, and the story descriptions were really realistic inside my head. I often mistook them as memories about some TV show I could have watched.

intelligence - Since I was a kid, my mind was sharp as a knife. I have enormous learning skills, especially on my hyper fixations matters and other languages. My brain seems programmed to understand other languages, even without much studying. I am not very good with numbers, as I have dyscalculia, but I know if I put in some effort, I can learn pretty much everything I want.

And that's it!