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justimagineitblog · 5 years ago

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“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 12

A/N: here you go lovelies! Thank you so much for the support and love as always and I hope you guys enjoy this one.... don’t kill me and try to survive the bomb shells heheh ;)

love always xx

I glance over at the clock to find that it’s 5am as the sun begins to creep in through the gaps in my curtains, obnoxiously reminding me that I haven’t slept one wink. I have, however, played last nights events on a continuous loop and nearly given myself several panic attacks. That doesn’t leave much room for resting. And the impending dread of knowing that every minute that passes by is another minute closer to Charlie returning home and me having to look him in the eye also doesn’t really inspire one to sleep either.

I have grown all too familiar with the feeling of being cheated on. Of being abandoned. Lied to. Rejected. Of having your self esteem ripped from you and the rug pulled from under your feet. The questioning yourself. Your relationship. If it was ever real. I know it all. But the feeling of being the person who has done the cheating is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t know if understanding this has me feeling sympathetic for Michael or hating him even more.

But how could I hate him? Now I am just like him. I am no better. And I am certainly in no position to. Michael may have kissed me, but I kissed him back.

Then the most dreaded thought that I have been trying to push down and keep at bay for hours on end finally creeps it’s way to the fore front of my mind. Loud and obnoxious and shrouding me in shame and disgust.

Maybe I feel so horrible because part of me know’s that I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all.

That thought alone makes my skin crawl at the thought that I am that kind of person that I cannot physically lay here anymore. Giving up completely I haul myself out of bed and storm to the kitchen to busy myself with a coffee. Not that I need it. I’ve got enough adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my body that I won’t need caffeine for a week.

My hands shake as I try to fix myself breakfast. I desperately want to wash away the taste of Michael on my lips, but I can’t get anything down. I’m far to wound up. I give up on trying to stomach anything when my mouth and throat are so dry from anxiety that I can barely swallow.

So I just pace my apartment instead. Changing my outfit twice, cleaning the same furniture over and over again. Re arranging the flowers in their vases. My skin clammy and cold. On my laps of my apartment I can’t stop myself from passing by the window every few minutes. Holding my breath every single time in dread that I will see Charlie’s car down there and I will have to face it. I can’t even go in the lounge room, let alone look at it. Every time I catch a glimpse, see it in peripheral vision I swear to god I can Michael and I there. It all comes flooding back. Every time I close my eyes, even so much as blinking brings it all back. Like it’s etched inside my eyelids and I can’t get away from it. I can’t even stand the way my clothes cling to my skin, hugging my hips and curves, the same way Michael did. I can even feel his hands up in my hair and on my face.

I must have actually been successful at distracting myself, cleaning my kitchen for what feels like the 5th time today. Because I don’t even hear Charlie’s car pull up in the street, I have no clue he’s home until I heard my apartment door unlocking and opening.

The sound makes me practically jump out of my skin and I can’t wipe the stunned ‘looks like I’ve just seen a ghost’ look of my face as he walks in, brief cases in hand and beaming smile. I physically feel the blood drain from my face.

“Surprise!” He holds his arms out, grinning at me as he drops his bags and walked over to me.

“You’re back early” is all I manage to get out as he pulls me into his embrace.

“Don’t sound too excited” he chuckles, picking up on my complete lack of enthusiasm. I can’t blame him, I’m not doing the best job at hiding it.

“Sorry I just-“ I fumble for the right words “I guess I’m still just in shock from yesterday”

“Right, the deal” he begins, nodding “I thought so. That’s why I came back early”

Yeah… the deal… To be honest that was the last thing on my mind. I think I was referring to the shock from almost being killed and Michael kissing me. Let alone the fact that Charlie wants me to move three hours away with him onto the list.

“I was thinking about it and I realised I kind of sprung that on you” he bites his lip sheepishly “ I know I freaked you out on the phone, I mean moving three hours away is a big ask and I know we’ve only been together for a month Izzy but-“

I swallow hard. If only that was all I was worried about. Worrying about moving three hours away. That would have been so goddamn simple. Suddenly feeling faint I try to step back from him, reaching out for the kitchen counter to steady myself.

“Hey, hey” he runs his hands up my arms before they finally land on my face, holding me gently “I’m sorry, you don’t have to pack right now, we have time to talk about this”

He continues talking, but as I stare up at him it all drowns out into the background. All I can see and all I can feel is Michael. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. But even Charlie’s hands on my face take me back to last night. His face so close to mine. His breath on my face. As each moment passes my skin crawls, hot and prickling like needles poking at me all over. I can feel myself trying to smile and nod at him, but I just can’t. The memories of last night race across my mind as my heart pounds in my chest. I can feel my chest rising and falling faster and faster until I’m all but hyperventilating.

I can’t take this. I can’t do it. I just want to scream.

“I can’t do this” I blurt out in a harsh exhale as I finally break. Finally snapping. I can’t take this anymore. I take his hands in mine and pull them away from my face as I tear myself from him, backing away to the other side of the kitchen.

He stares at me, wide and in shock as I run my hands through my hair, trying to steady my heart rate.

This is it. I can’t hide from this anymore.

“Izzy” he breathes “What’s going on?”

The way he stares at me breaks my heart. He looks completely lost. Like he’s staring at a person he doesn’t know anymore. Like he doesn’t know who this girl is. And to be honest, I don’t even know who I am right now either. But just as quickly as that look falls over of his face, it’s gone again. Replaced by another look. One of… calm. Understanding. Like he know’s something about me that even I don’t know.

“There’s someone else in your heart”

As the words leave his mouth they cut me deep, gutting me so heavily they almost leave me winded. Then I realise he’s not asking me. No. He’s… telling me. As if he already knew. Not even sure of what I’m going to say I open my mouth, ready to launch into anything and everything I could possibly say to explain myself.

“I’m so sorry” is the only thing I can manage to get out past the growing lump in my throat. I think my apology is enough confirmation for his suspicions.

“I think I’ve known the whole time… I just didn’t want it to be real”

Known what the whole time? My mind races. I’ve never mentioned Michael once. He’s never even met him.

“The man from the ball, with the American wife… who is he?”

I sigh. He knew from the first night I met him. He knew that I was always hung up on Michael. And it hurts. It’s hurts because he’s right. That Charlie could see it before I could. I fell in love with Michael on the day I met him 5 years ago. And I have loved him every day since then. Through it all. Through the distance. The cheating. Through everything.

How was I ever so foolish to try and think that I could move on with someone else. Trying to fix myself with someone else. Trying to fill the void. Shouldn’t I have known that I would only be hurting us both.

The only way I can even come close to doing the right thing is explaining it all. From the beginning. Giving him the explanation and closure he is owed. It won’t take anything back. Or fix anything. But he deserves to know. From day one up until right here in this kitchen. I owe him that much.

“You don’t owe me anything, you can leave right now” I begin, my lip trembling as I push out the words “But if you just give me a moment to explain. You deserve that much”

He stares at me for a moment. I expect him to be angry. To scream. Yell. Tell me hates me. But he doesn’t. He stays quiet as he digests it all. Nodding slowly, he goes over to the lounge and takes a seat. I follow him wearily, lowering myself onto the lounge next to him.

I close my eyes, taking a deep shaky breath before I jump into my history. I give up trying to hold back. Now is not the time for holding back.

He watches me closely, examining and reading every micro expression on my face.

“His name is Michael” I breathe “We were together for four years, it would have been 5 years yesterday”

“Four years” he echoes, the enormity of it all dawning on him. Four years is a long time. Long enough for someone to have stained every part of you. For them to have worked their way into every part of you. That takes a lot of time to unravel. To unravel that person from you, and he knows it.

“He um, he was sent to America last year to head the Shelby Company over there. He didn’t know when he would be able to come back home and well, I guess things changed when he was over there. Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but, I guess not in his case” I shake my head before continuing “He cut off all communication. With me, with the family. We had no clue why. And every day I waited. Every day for 6 months. I waited to hear from him. For a letter. A call. Anything. It felt like I held my breath for 6 months, praying he would come home and explain everything away. Apologise. And everything would be okay”

“But he did come back?” He asks, furrowing his brows.

“Yes he did. He showed up out of the blue. None of us had any idea he was coming home. When I saw him at the train station that day, it was the best moment of my life until it very quickly became the worst. Because he had returned, but he wasn’t alone. He had a wife. Gina”

“Jesus…” Charlie exclaims softly as he puts two and two together “That’s the American woman from the ball”

I nod, confirming his statement.

“What happened? I mean, how does that happen?” He stutters, unable to comprehend how someone could do that to another person.

“I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that for the past two months. He just went… cold. He looked at me like we were never in love. Like he barely even knew me. And I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. How to get him out of my goddamn head. But I- ”

“But you never stopped loving him” He interrupts me with a sad but genuine smile.

I look over at him. I shake my head slowly. By now my eyes have succumbed to welling with tears. He is right. I never stopped. I never have.

“I didn’t sleep with him” I breathe, struggling to even suggest such a thing “Yesterday there was an altercation at the office. There was a man, he had a gun, things got heated. Michael was there, all the Shelby’s were. He had the gun to my head and-“

“What?” Charlie’s eyes shoot wide open as panic is slapped across his face.

“It’s okay, I’m okay” I calm him “But I was shaken up. The doctor said I shouldn’t be alone and Michael stayed to keep an eye on me. He insisted. He wouldn’t take me out of his eye sight for even a second. Something changed. In the office, when the man had the gun to my head. Something changed between Michael and I. Like he’s had this cold exterior but he couldn’t keep it up any longer. He kissed me and…”

I shut my eyes as the words leave my mouth. I can’t even look at him. I know by now that he won’t yell. He won’t get angry. That’s not Charlie’s way. But that doesn’t make the guilt and shame feel any less. In fact, I think it makes it worse. Because I know I don’t deserve the kindness.

“Because he still loves you Izzy” Charlie blurts out “Did you ever think maybe the reason he pushed you away wasn’t because he hates you. The exact opposite, actually”

I shoot my eyes open, looking over at him in disbelief.

“Izzy” he begins “That stuff, all those years, that doesn’t just go away. And I should have known it. That night at the ball I saw you at the table. I saw how you looked at Michael. I should have known that feelings like that don’t go away”

“Listen to me” I shake my head at him “Don’t you doubt for one second, how I feel about you. Because I don’t. You are one of the best people I have ever met. But I am a fool. Because my heart isn’t ready, I am not ready. I am not okay. And I was stupid for trying to fix myself by getting into a relationship with you. I have only hurt you. But don’t you ever question what I felt for you, please. I want to tell you to stay. I want to move away with you. I want to love you. But I just-”

“You can’t force your heart to feel what it doesn’t” He nods, giving me a small smile “I would be the fool if I tried to get in the way of you and Michael. My feelings for you grew faster than I ever expected them to. I just want you to be happy Izzy, I can’t stand in the way of that”

Unable to hold it in anymore, sobs begin tumbling their way out of my mouth. Charlie embraces me immediately.

“Izzy look at me” He holds my face, brushing my wet cheeks with his thumbs “It’s okay”

“What are you going to do?” I cry, heart breaking at the thought that he had factored me into his life and now he has to remove me again.

“I don’t know” he shakes his head “I’m gonna take that deal I guess”

“Oh my god the deal!” I exclaim, remembering that I haven’t even congratulated him yet “I told you you were gonna be great” I chuckle through sniffles and he returns a grin.

“Yes you did” he nods, chuckling.

“I’m so proud of you” I smile, placing a gentle hand on his face “You’re gonna be amazing up there”

“You think so?”

“I know so”

“Will you promise me something?” He bites his lip “We can still be friends? If you’re ever coming up that way, visit me?”

“I promise” I nod my head without even a moments hesitation “You’re not getting rid of me that easily”

We stare at one another for a moment in a mutual understanding. Maybe we haven’t found a love in each other. We haven’t found a soulmate. A forever. But we have found a friend. And I will love this man for the rest of my life. I will be grateful for him forever.

“I should go” he looks down, before we both get up off the couch and take our final march to the door. With his brief cases in hand, we stand in the door way in silence. We know this is done. We know this is over. But dragging it out feels so much easier.

“Goodbye Izzy” he breathes, and I rush forward, hugging him so tightly it shoots pain all up through my bruising back. But I don’t care. He hugs me back just as tightly.

“I’ll speak to you soon, I wanna know how you go up there, out in the big world” I grin, fighting back tears.

“I can’t wait” he smiles down at me.

And with that, with one more long, final hug, he leaves.

After he’s gone, I stand in the door way for a while. Just thinking. Digesting. I stand there as I hear his car door close and hear the wheels turn on the gravel, as he drives out of my street.

Charlie changed me for the better. He came along into my life when I expected it least but needed it most. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live with myself for doing this to him. But I know I couldn’t live the rest of my life looking at him and seeing Michael. Kissing him and tasting Michael. He doesn’t deserve it. Charlie gives his all. And he deserves someone who can give their all back. I will always love him in some way, but not in the way he needs. Maybe now without me, he has a chance at finding that. I hope next time I see him he as met a beautiful woman. Maybe they’re engaged. Married even. With a son on the way. The thought warms my heart. Maybe the kindest thing I could do to Charlie was to let him go. And let him find that life. Whatever happens between Michael and I, at least I know Charlie is going to be okay.

Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself. To feel better about it all. To feel better about the fact that I just let an amazing man walk out of my life all for someone who I just cannot get over. All on a whim. On one kiss. But Charlie seem’s to think that Michael and I are worth betting on. Some how, everyone around us seems to be able to figure out whats going on except the two people involved - Michael and I. Everyone seems to have us figured out except ourselves.

I think about Charlie all night until I manage to fall asleep just past midnight, pure exhaustion sending me into a deep sleep.

THE NEXT DAY

The goddamn mail. I could have avoided the Shelby house for another few days at least to pull myself together and figure out what I’m going to say to Michael for the first time since our kiss. But no. Because today the mail needs to be posted otherwise important correspondences won’t find their way into the clutches of some very important business partners in enough time.

I basically run to the Shelby house, every single thought is just praying that no one will be there. It’s a Saturday after all. I just need to get the mail from the desk and leave. I’ll be in there at 5 minutes tops.

When I slink into the house, desperately trying not to make a noise, the whole place is silent. On the floor boards creak lightly as I prance over to the stacks of mail that I have let pile up through my own procrastination and avoidance.

See when Charlie left, I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t going to storm into Michael’s house and profess my undying love. To be honest, I don’t know if I have anything to say at all. So my plan became what it has been since the day Michael returned - avoid him like my life depends on it. And I hate myself for that. For the fact that putting Charlie through all that pain, that the kiss, that every moment of tension and build up of anticipation with Michael could all have been for nothing because I’m to scared to find out. So that means letting the mail pile up to un godly height that will probably cost a fortune to ship all at once… then so be it.

With the sizeable stack of letters in my clutch, I turn on my heels and sneak back to the door before the faintest sound catches my attention. My hand is on the door handle, and I’m almost out of the house but the noise gets louder. I furrow my brows as I try to decipher what the noise is. As it gets louder, I realise it sounds like rustling. Like someone frantically sorting through something.

I swear to god if this is nothing I’m going to kick myself. But I just can’t leave. I don’t know who is in here with me. I all but roll my eyes in irritation as I turn on my feels and head for the sound. The thought crosses my mind that it could be robber. Someone trying to rip off the Shelby family. But I don’t know who on earth would try that. This place is like Fort Knox. Only people who have keys - and that is a very small group of people - can get in here. You couldn’t break in to this place without making a hell of a lot of noise.

As I follow the noise through the house, I realise that I’m being led straight for the kitchen. But my suspicions don’t go un answered for very long, when I round the corner and step into the kitchen doorway to find Gina, frantically searching through the draws and cabinets. No sooner do my eyes fall over her, they quickly flicker to the countless medication bottles sprawled out all over the kitchen bench.

What the hell is she doing with all this medication?

“What are you doing?” I blurt out, confused and concerned as Gina searches desperately.

“Fuck!” Gina curses in shock as she gets busted, then rolls her eyes when she realises that it’s me “Of course you’re here”

“Yeah don’t worry, the feelings mutual” I mutter, before she turning my attention back to the mediations everywhere “You didn’t answer my question”

“What are you doing?” Gina spits back, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

I hold up the letters I was looking for to send in the mail, raising my brows. She sighs, hoping that she would be able to change the topic onto what I was doing.

“Your turn” I say.

I watch her suspiciously. I normally wouldn’t bother. But she looks like a mess, and catching someone rummaging through bottles of medication frantically alone in a house isn’t exactly an innocent act.

She opens her mouth to speak, when suddenly a panicked look falls over her face. She blinks rapidly, before covering her mouth with one hand and clutching at her stomach with the other.

I furrow my brows, looking her up and down “Gina?” I say, growing more concerned and confused as the seconds pass.

Suddenly, she takes off from the kitchen. Stunned, I begin to run after her. Down the hall ways I follow the sound of her heavy footsteps through the until I finally reach the bathroom. I stop abruptly in the door way to find her bent over the toilet, throwing up violently. I rush forwards to hold her hair out of the way, but she swats me away.

“Get off me!” She strains, before being sick again.

I stand back, everything coming together in my mind as she sits draped over the toilet, catching her breath.

“Gina…” I say quietly “You’re pregnant”

I know I’m right with the grave look she gives me when she pulls herself away from the toilet. She sits with her back against the bathroom wall, staring straight ahead.

“Congratulations, you figured it out” she says sarcastically.

“Gina, I-“ I shake my head, not knowing what to say “How long have you been sick for?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” She hisses, shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

“Trust me, I don’t. But if you’ve been this sick for a while you might be dehydrated, you need fluids” I tell her matter of factly.

“It hasn’t been this bad before. I’ve been sick every morning this week”

“And Michael hasn’t taken you to the hospital?!” I exclaim, baffled by how nonchalant she’s acting. Why wouldn’t Michael be more concerned? He’s seen Esme pregnant, Lizzie, Ada. He should know that this isn’t normal.

When the words leave my mouth she doesn’t say anything. She just keeps staring straight ahead, her eyes tired and dark.

“How far along are you?” I press her with another question.

“12 weeks, doctor” she replies dryly.

I continue to watch her, unable to figure out why she is acting so… off. So strange. Gina would love to rub this in my face. That Michael is having his first child with her and not with me. And Polly, Polly knows everything. If Michael is trying to hide it, she would still know. She could get a secret out of Michael in a second. My mind continues to run rampant with questions.

“Gina… Who knows about this?”

And again, she looks up at me with that dark, grave look on her face.

It’s not Michael keeping the secret. It’s Gina.

“He doesn’t know” I breathe and she nods her head slowly.

“Ding Ding” she scoffs.

I kneel in front of her, but she just stares straight ahead, emotionlessly.

“So I suppose you’re going to tell everyone then” she says, shaking her head slowly “Run to Michael and tell him that I’m pregnant. Then Tommy and Polly. And they will want me to get an abortion, no doubt”

I shake my head in utter confusion. She seriously thinks Polly and Tommy would force her to lose the baby?

“They’re not going to make you get an abortion, Gina. This is Michael’s child you’re carrying. I know you and Polly have your differences, but she’s a woman, a mother, too. And this is her grandchild”

She laughs tiredly, sighing afterwards. Then, her eyes meet mine. “Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought” She insults me “Why is that you think I’m 10 weeks and haven’t told Michael, huh?”

I reel back from her. Tracking the weeks back. 10 weeks. That would have been right before they left for Birmingham. I look at her, shaking my head. I don’t get her point.

“So you fell pregnant before you were married and convinced him to marry you on the ship so that you wouldn’t be having a baby out of wedlock… So why doesn’t Michael know, Gina?”

She shakes her head at me, at my confusion, before leaning forward slightly “I never said this is Michael’s baby”

My eyes widen, locked on hers. She sits back against the bathroom wall, keeping the eye contact with me.

“So there, aren’t you happy Izzy. The second they find out, I’m done for. And you and Michael can go back to being soulmates” she says mockingly.

I shake my head.

“Gina, what happened?” I ask softly. I thought part of me would want to see Gina go down in flames, and take Michael with her. But with her sitting here in front of me, revealing her darkest secret I feel… bad for her.

She looks away from me for a moment, and I can see her battling internally. When he continues to explain, I guess she realises that she has nothing to lose anymore.

“It was before we left for Birmingham. My ex got word that I was leaving, so he came and visited. I was emotional. I was scared of moving across the world. We had drinks. I don’t think I need to say what goes next…”

When I don’t respond, mostly out of shock, she continues with irritation.

“Jesus you’re persistent,” she rolls her eyes “Right towards the end of the trip I felt… off… more than usual sea sickness. I started to panic. I found a doctor on board. He told me I was pregnant. So I convinced Michael to marry me. On the ship. I was going to tell him that I was pregnant. Pretend it was his. But Michael is smart. He would know it wasn’t his”

My mouth parts and my brows furrow.

How would Michael know it isn’t his baby?

“What does that even mean Gina?”

“Do I really have to sound it out for you?” She hisses with a roll of her eyes “Don’t act stupid Izzy. Michael would know it’s not his baby because Michael hasn’t touched me since we got here. His eyes have been else where…”

She looks me up and down. Me? She’s referring to me?

“He loves you. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. He doesn’t want a bar of me. He hasn’t even noticed me starting to show…” as all of these words spill out of her mouth she looks sad. I don’t think I’ve never seen her sad. But it is quickly whisked away and covered up when she makes another smart ass remark.

“But I guess it’s alright isn’t it. Because I’m carrying another mans baby. No harm no foul, right?”

Suddenly someone comes in the front door downstairs. Our eyes both widen. As the footsteps come up the stairs I quickly rush to close us in the bathroom door. We wait quietly. The footsteps come down the hall and stop outside the door with a knock on the wood. Gina looks up at me desperately.

“Girls business!” I call to the person on the other side of the door.

“Well last time I checked I had tits” Polly’s voice says from the other side of the door. Suddenly the door opens to reveal us both looking nervously back at Polly.

“Well what the fuck is going on in here?” She asks, looking over me and Gina. You wouldn’t catch us in a room together if you tried. Let alone together voluntarily in the bathroom.

I glance at Gina whose staring at the floor, accepting defeat. But I don’t want it to happen this way. I don’t want Michael to have to find out this way. Through Polly. I can’t believe I’m doing it, but I begin to lie.

“Gina got sick… something she ate last night… I came in while she was sick and got her some tablets for the nausea-“

“Shut up Izzy” Gina’s voice says suddenly.

I look back at her with my eyes wide open. What is she about to do. I can protect her, give her more time to tell Michael herself, but not if she gives herself away. Polly looks at me suspiciously, and I know she’s wondering why would I be covering for Gina, of all people.

“I’m sick because I have morning sickness” She says pointedly at Polly “I’m pregnant, Polly”

Polly’s eyebrows raise, looking from between Gina and eye for more answers.

“Izzy came in while I was trying to find medication, then I started getting sick again, as you can see” she gestures to herself and the toilet.

I watch Polly carefully as she thinks.

“Well,” she begins, taking a deep breath “Congratulations… How far along are you?”

“12 weeks”

“12 weeks” Polly echoes, nodding “How long have you been sick for?”

“All week”

“Jesus,” Polly hisses “You need to get to a hospital Gina”

“I’ve been told” she looks over at me.

“I’ll call Michael. He should have known better than to leave you knowing how sick you are”

“Don’t call him” Gina shakes her head frantically

“And why not?” Polly presses

Polly looks at me, and I look back nervously.

What the hell is Gina about to say.

“Because it’s probably not the best way for him to find out”

“He doesn’t know?” Polly says slowly, trying very, very hard not to lose her cool.

I glare at Gina. Surely she isn’t about to tell Polly that this child isn’t Michael’s right here, right now in the goddamn bathroom.

She shakes her head “No, and I would appreciate if you let me tell him, please”

I all but release a giant sigh, trying to hide my obvious relief. That would have been catastrophic.

Polly nods slowly, but still looks confused. Suspicious. She always knows when something isn’t adding up. She looks over at me, but I can’t look at her. She will know I’m hiding something the second she see’s my eyes.

She watches us both for a few seconds, before speaking.

“I’m calling Michael. You can have your moment with him and tell him when he gets here. Then you need to go to the hospital”

There’s silence for a moment, before another voice fills the room.

“Tell me what?”

All of our heads turn suddenly to see Michael standing in the hallway.

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