#i also desperately need a haircut and i have to renew my id in like 3 weeks and i don't know what to do about ANY of that

[iholli]

trying desperately to keep it together knowing all I'm doing is slapping flextape over holes in the Titanic and having absolutely no one to ask for help 👌

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season six, episode one: how can we be given lala if they won’t give us lala?!

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Welcome back to Romance vs. Reality, the trashiest blog on the internet (well, at least like, top 10, depending on your definition of ‘trashy). If you’re new here, welcome. I’m Amanda, I’m going to be your tour guide over the next twenty-or-so weeks as we observe the cast of Vanderpump Rules in the wild. At this point, Jax is so old he needs to be examined both for health reasons and because it makes no sense that a narcissist drug addict has made it this far without someone putting glass shards in his food. Never let anyone make you feel bad for enjoying this garbage - consider it an anthropologic study in gaslighting.

God, I love this show. I missed it terribly.

The episode opens at Madame Siam for Scheana’s birthday party. It feels very Lars and the Real Girl for Scheana to be holding a birthday party considering masks are sharp and she might get a hole and let all of her air out. Hot Take: did Scheana get all of that work done in hopes Ryan Gosling might fall in love with her? That’s not how that movie worked. The party is clearly masquerade themed because of all the pink lighting, Tom Sandoval pulling out the best of his Liberace Collection 2017, oh, and the masks. Can’t forget the masks1. There’s drama in the air - quick cut to an uncomfortable looking Lisa Vanderpump, Kristen making sure she’s featured in the season by yelling at Jax of course, and Jax had sex with someone that wasn’t Brittany and Brittany’s mad as hell about it.

A producer flat out asks Jax if he cheated on Brittany.

A few days ago I was talking to Hillary2 about how I was nervous for this season because it seems like from social media that everyone’s hunky dory and getting along and all I want in the world is a Lala/Stassi/Scheana vs. Kristen and Katie showdown but that’ll never happen now because Stassi’s an unlikeable idiot with no idea of what’s best for her. Hillz, I take my fears back. This season is going to be awesome.

And now, for an early Christmas present: THIS VANDERPUMP RULES OPENING CREDITS.

It opens with Brittany, Jax, and Stassi. Jax has fully embraced the Matt Lauer “I’m Going Bald But I’m Trying To Get Ahead Of It By Shaving My Head” Mentality3. Brittany should sue whoever decided to put this tiny busty gal in a paisley handkerchief romper with a jeweled neckline. Lisa Vanderpump, we are coming for you and all your coint. Are these the new Sexy Unique Restaurant uniforms, because these are the worst ones yet. Stassi’s wearing whatever dress she found on FashionNova4.

Ariana’s got a new haircut that had she not parted it the way she did could either look like All-American Dora The Explorer or… ahem, Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl. Instead she looks like… well, she looks like a hotter version of Louise Linton, which I think Ariana would be horrified by. I SAID HOTTER, ARIANA. DON’T BE MAD AT ME. Tom Sandoval is still #1 in my heart and soul and looks super cute in the opening credits, so I can’t say shit for once. Scheana, looking the most human she’s looked since undergoing her RealDoll Transformation5 is wearing a black and blue version of the handkerchief romper from hell and I miss her short hair again. I spent all this time last season ragging on her for not looking real and all of her messiness and here I am like “BUT I LIKED YOU THE WAY YOU WERE”. I’ll never be happy, and neither will Scheana. We’re a match made in plastic heaven.

Katie just looks so awful in the credits I wonder if she pissed off the same producer Kristen did last season when they made her look like she smelled a shart. This time, Katie and Tom are halfway through a half-hearted spin left over from the dance classes they probably took for their tacky wedding and Katie’s face looks like the face you have when you’re spinning without a care. It’s not a good look and Tyra Banks would be offended. Tom is wearing a teal suit. I missed Tom Schwartz almost as much as I missed Sandoval, but that’s because I genuinely worry about him.

Lala in the opening credits is Rita Ora in this photo. Lala is as much of a try hard and is about as successful as Rita Ora, so that makes sense. All she needs is blonde hair and a red lip and she’s got a signature6. At first when she came on screen I was like YAS LALA YAS and then I paused and it’s… not great. Remember how fresh and beautiful she was in her first season and now she’s over plumped her lips so they look like a butthole? That plus the nude latex dress, girl looks like a condom. Like a condom that somehow got mascara smudged on it. DJ James Kennedy, MFA, is delivering a fresh spray tan and cheekbones for days. I’m pretty sure he put makeup in his chin dimple to define it. These people are so vain. And then there’s Kristen, who looks just as awful as last season except now she’s in sequins. She doesn’t look like she smells a shart this time, though, she just looks like she’s drinking out of a straw, and not in the cutesy way. In the way that you do when you’re drunk at the bar and trying to catch the straw in your mouth without using your hands but it keeps going around and around and around and around...

Lisa Vanderpump couldn’t be bothered to come back to record a new cocktail-grabbing opener so she’s wearing the same pink satin shirt with a black tie for whatever reason.

I missed this show.

The episode begins with our quintessential generic pop music, and we’re at Sexy Unique Restaurant and Lounge. It’s two days before the party in the opener, and these people are pretending they still do these jobs - Brittany is bringing over pineapple mojitos without using a tray, Katie and Scheana are taking ordersTom Sandoval is complaining about Strawberrinis or whatever portmanteau Lisa Vanderpump is claiming now7. We’ve learned that Sexy Unique Restaurant has been open ten years and now it’s mature. I guess serving Chilean Sea Bass and selling $10 goat cheese balls is maturity?

Jax is celebrating his two year anniversary with Brittany and is claiming to have been 100% faithful to her the entire time. Their relationship has grown in the six months since they went to Kentucky together, a show I deliberately did not watch because… why? Why would I do that? I consider the 4.5 years I spent getting my undergraduate degree in Kalamazoo, Michigan to be the height and extent of the time I need to spend around trashy people. I didn’t watch Honey Boo Boo or Jersey Shore, I have zero interest in reading one of the thousands of articles on Trump Supporters and their ignorance. My threshold for trashiness is full.

I mean, I write a blog about Vanderpump Rules and The Bachelor. I’m two steps away from thinking Olive Garden is the epitome of classiness8.

Scheana is putting glassware away because people at Sexy Unique Restaurant are totally the type to drop a tray and be like “thanks for helping!!!!” and run back to their sections. Restaurant people are an interesting breed. Scheana’s not sculpting her eyebrows anymore but she’s “so fucking happy” with Rob, her new boyfriend. They were off-and-on for four years before Scheana met Shay, and while it’s been six months since she’s filed, she’s not concerned about how quickly she’s gotten with another guy. This scene is so shoehorned in because we need to hear about Scheana, apaprently. Oh, and she wants to get married again.

Scheana, your birthday party is in two days, they’re basically the same thing.

Tom Sandoval and Lisa are talking about TomTom, the new bar they’re opening with Tom Schwartz and Ken. Lisa and Ken are asking for $100,000 each for an investment, and Sandoval’s like, “duuuuude, that’s a lot of money.” Really, Tom? REALLY? Tom’s got some savings, an inheritance, a rent-controlled apartment, and also a fucking television show.

Ariana’s New Season Development is that she’s got a new Cool Girl haircut! I’m shocked she didn’t say “I’m renewing myself” because I come from the Ramona Singer School of Haircuts where all hairstyles are equated to personal happiness. Sandoval is super into Ariana’s haircut. Disturbingly. Meanwhile, Scheana said something about the number of friends Katie and she had, and apparently that made its way to Katie as “Katie has no friends.” According to Scheana, she intended this to be a compliment, and I hate that I understand exactly what she means by that. Likely that Katie has a small amount of close personal friends and Scheana has a lot of friends she just hangs around. But of course, Katie dealt with this like a normal, rational human being.

Nah, she got on her phone and rage-texted Scheana calling Scheana pathetic and admitting to bullying her last year because Scheana was so desperate to be their friend. Katie is literally the devil, I hate her so much. Katie Maloney-Schwartz and Vicki Gunvalson can dismiss themselves right now. They are out of business. I don’t think I hate anyone in my life9 the way I hate those two and the way they behave on my television and seemingly in real life. I’ve hated Katie since season one of this show when she turned on Stassi because god forbid Stassi not want to be around the guy who cheated on her. Katie is Lily Aldrin from How I Met Your Mother in real life. She’s magnificently self-righteous and self-absorbed. She meddles in people’s lives with her superiority complex which is entirely undeserved, and she views herself as the leader of the group, the one they’re all supposed to look up to.

Fuck off, Katie.

Anyway, Katie interrupts Ariana and Scheana’s shittalking session where it’s glaringly obvious they were just talking about her.10 Scheana takes the gracious time to turn to Katie and tell her she’s not invited to her birthday because “she doesn’t want drama”. Katie’s like, “lol, don’t care” because she thinks it’s Scheana’s fault for turning on her and talking behind her back. She walks away saying “because it’s always my fault,” condescendingly, and both Scheana and Ariana are like “... well, yeah?”

Meanwhile, Sandoval is still thirsting over Ariana and her hair. He’s afraid that Lisa and Ken aren’t going to allow him and Schwartz any input on TomTom and basically just allow them to be the faces and take their money. Sandoval and Schwartz are trying to figure out how to get marijuana into TomTom for some reason and Tom’s anxious that Lisa doesn’t think they’re prepared. Oh, and Lisa and Ken are literally sitting right around the corner and have probably heard every single word he’s said. IT’S THEIR RESTAURANT TOM, and it’s full of scary dark corners. Check first. Be smarter.

Ugh, we’re at Stassi’s apartment. Combined with her gross comments on race earlier this year and gross comments about #MeToo and sexual harrassment, Stassi is cancelled in my book. And it makes me sad because I used to love her. I don’t liek my villains to be vapid. I want them to be smart and educated so their burns come from an actual place of intelligence rather than luck in Stassi’s case. She’s got a new apartment and it doesn’t have central air. Until I moved to New York I didn’t know places didn’t have air conditioners. Call me naive, but I had no idea and realized right quick what a blessing it was that I picked an apartment with central air. I can’t imagine living in LA in an apartment with an air conditioner.

Stassi’s brought Katie over to help her assemble her air conditioner and they’re being “healthy” by drinking strawberry margaritas. Katie’s relaying the story of Scheana’s uninvite to Stassi and they both agree that Scheana was petty AF in uninviting Katie. Patrick and Stassi are back together and this time it seems to be for real. We get an opportnuity for Katie to brag about how happy she is now that she’s forced Tom to marry her. Eyeroll.

We’re at one of the creepiest places I’ve ever seen (and I’ve been to Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum) - DR DJ JAMES KENNEDY’S “APARTMENT” which is basically just a living room with a sheet hanging from the ceiling and a mattress on the floor. He’s hanging out with Logan, who we are supposed to automatically dislike because he was “banned from Pump for a bit”. Logan’s gay and James’s wingman. Raquel, James’ girlfriend who is basically a squeal personified, is coming back from college and James has missed her. Allegedly. Logan’s immediately dismissed as soon as Raquel arrives and the editing of this episode is so bizarre.

The TomTom space exists! It’s real! Tom Sandoval wants a very specific look - but also wants TVs. He pronounces “nostalgia” incorrectly. Sandoval tells Schwartz about his oopsie with Ken and Lisa and they’re trying to decide how to proceed when they arrive. They mutually decide to pretend ti didn’t happen until Lisa says something. Lisa comes in and immediately condescends to Tomx2, telling them they’ve done a ton of work behind the scenes the boys don’t know about, they’re changing the physical layout of the restaurant wtih staircase. Sandoval is not happy becuase his entire image is changed, but then again, he’s investing a lot of his money. As soon as Lisa’s image has been questioned she’s like “well, it’s my money, I don’t appreciate having my partner talk shit about me after I give them a great opportunity.” Lisa’s fucking pissed and Tom may or may not have fucked it up for the two of them.

I mean, he hasn’t. But it’s about the drama.

Jax and Brittany have also upgraded their apartment and are getting ready for Scheana’s masquerade party with eye mask patches. Brittany talks about walking on eggshells around Jax because Jax is 87 years old and his bones are really fragile. Also he’s a narcisistic monster who is fueled primiarly by carnal pleasure. Meanwhile, Ariana and Tom have purchased a credenza for their apartment and are discussing Lisa going off on Tom. Tom feels bad that having valid questions about his place in the business may have consequences for not only him, but for Schwartz as well. Tom is such a good fucking friend, I cannot.

Schwartz and Baloney are getting ready for Scheana’s party too, and Schwartz has on a Jason mask as his “masquerade” mask. He and Katie have been getting along a lot more since they’ve gotten married but that doesn’t mean Tom isn’t absolutely terrified of her. He’s especially afraid to tell her about what happened with Sandoval and Lisa.

Tom. You should not be afraid of your wife’s reaction to things that can possibly change her life, like losing $100,000. Leave Her.

Schwartz mentions as soon as Stassi comes over that her legs don’t match her face and I cackled. Schwartz is a sassy drag queen. Schwartz is invited to the party, but Stassi and Katie most certainly are not. Of course Scheana saw nothing wrong with inviting Schwartz, and Schwartz sees nothing wrong with going. Hey, if it’s an open bar, I’ll just drnik my enemy out of house and home.

Jax moved into Katie and Tom’s building.

Oh god.

Their poor neighbors.

Meanwhile, Stassi reveals to Tom and Jax that she and Patrick are back together and the two of them are like “well, THAT’s a bad idea.” If Jax Taylor tells you your relationship is a bad idea, run. He literally wrote the book on bad ideas becuase he’s 105 years old. They put a hex on Scheana that she winds up being forced to take a picture on her bad side, which is the kind of petty ass curse me and my friends would put on someone we didn’t like either.

Over at Scheana’s place, it’s amazing to see what her walls look like when they’re not covered in her wedding portraits. She got rid of everything Shay and made her master bedroom into a Glam Room/Walk-in Closet, which is actually my dream. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life just so I can have an extra bedroom for a walk-in closet. This entire segment exists so Scheana can really turn the knife on Shay while telling us how happy she is with Rob and the fact that his dick is bigger.

Ugh. You were an asshole to him when you were together, Scheana, and now you’re an even worse ex.

The crew gets ready for Scheana’s party, and Ariana and Tom are going all-out. Tom literally looks like he reached out to the costume designer from Behind the Candelabra. Where does one find a white silk satin shirt with tassles in 2017? Anyway, apparently Tom ran into a friend, and that friend ran into Faith11, and Faith apparently has slept with Jax. Is sleeping with Jax, possibly, but she definitely at one time at least in recent history has slept with Jax.

No one is surprised that Jax cheated, but everyone is sad that Jax cheated on Brittany. Ariana and Tom are hoping it’s just a rumor but… you know, Jax. It never is a rumor.

Of course Scheana’s birthday party requires a party for entry. Of course that password is “420”, I could have guessed it would have been that or “69.”

At the party, Faith is there! So is Kristen, and DJ James Kennedy, LLC! Jax has developed sympathy for James for some reason, and it’s very odd. Kristen thinks Scheana is moving too quickly with Rob because she doesn’t want a boyfriend, she wants another husband ASAP. I agree, Kristen. It just seems like Scheana and Shay are the types to be in a race to see who can replace the other fastest. Lisa arrives, masked to the GAWDS and ready to judge. She immediately tells Scheana to slow down with Rob because just a few months ago she was all about Shay, too. For Scheana, every guy is The One.

Meanwhile, Jax is talking to some random person about buying a house and his hesitance because, well, he invented the entire real estate market as we know it in 1675. He talks to Brittany about how despite the fact that most people don’t think he should reproduce, he thinks it’s a good idea and hopefully he’ll get to do it with her. At some point. In the very, very, very distant future. He met with a ring designer once to talk aobut the idea of maybe possibly buying a ring some time soon but not anytime soon, so that’s good enough for Brittany!

Stassi, Katie, and Tom are on a triple date, and Stassi acknowledges that it’s weird that she went on their honeymoon with them, but she doesn’t care becuase she’s fun. Stassi says that Scheana’s narcisstic and she’s done with her. Stassi, you never started with Scheana. It’s been six seasons of her trying to be friends with you and you being rude to her and then when she wasn’t interested you flipped out.

Then there’s two scenes in one coverign the same topic. Tom takes Jax aside to ask him about Faith, and Faith is discovered crying alone by DJ James Kennedy ROTC. Faith is afraid to talk to James about what happened because James and Jax are cool now, but she does it anyway. Jax reached out to her on Twitter to hang out, and he comes over to where she’s working taking care of a 95-year-old.

Meanwhile, Tom flat out asks Jax if he slept with Faith and Jax is like “I didn’t sleep with anybody, I’m past that point in my life.”

According to Faith, Jax sweet talked her into banging him and sucked her toes while the 95-year-old woman slept next to them. Jax even went sofar as to ask Faith if she was on birth control and then shrugs it off when she says she isn’t, and guess what? Now Faith’s period is AWOL. James flips out. As did I12.

Jesus Christ, Jax. DID YOU NOT LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT ALL THE WAY BACK IN SEASON ONE??????????????

Poor Brittany, though. She doesn’t even get to hear the rumor from Main Cast. She hears it from Jesse, Scheana’s best friend who pops up from time to time, that there’s some “sick rumor” that Faith and Jax slept together. Brittany is shook. She can’t stop saying “... What?” Brittany is pissed, and I love a pissed off Brittany. Brittany asks Schwartz, who is basically like “You know what, if it was true, I would cover for his ass, but even I don’t know about this, so...”

Schwartz is both a great and terrible friend. Schwartz really is the friend you want when you decide to cheat on your partner. Jax goes directly to Faith with Tom and is like “Will you tell Tom we didn’t sleep together?” And Faith flat out refuses to.

I believe Faith, tbh.

I believe Faith not just because I think Jax is an untrustworthy dirtball with zero motivations other than what’s coming from his dick, but because Jax as a proven track record of only lying to cover up his own mess. He will gaslight the fuck out of a woman (see: Stassi, s1 & s2; Lala s4) before he admits to doing something wrong, and when he does admit it, it’s their fault (see: Tom Sandoval, s2). He asked “are you serious?” instead of “What are you talking about?” - if it wasn’t true, he literally would be asking her about that. Instead, “are you serious” seems to be an inadvertent admission - “are you seriously talking about this right now?” He willingly will drag anyone through the mud if it has a slight chance of making him look better. Brittany’s horrified because she’s the last to know and everyone’s been chatting about it. Tom Schwartz is also throwing himself a pity party because everyone’s talking about something and he’s the actual last to know, even after Brittany. Never change, Schwartz.

Brittany’s pissed. She wants to fight someone. She gave up her entire life13 for him and he repays her by cheating. Jax tries to be like “Why would I cheat on Brittany with one of our friends?” and then the producers give us a wonderful glimpse back to 2013 when Jax admitted to sleeping with Kristen. Speaking of Kristen, Kristen still thinks she’s Kristen: Saving Women From Philanderers. She started on this path when Tom and Ariana got together (even though she cheated on him) and maintained it with DJ James Kennedy, MRI, and now she’s turned it back onto Jax.

Effectively, this is what Kristen would like to do to Jax:

Kristen tells Jax to fuck off randomly, basically. She gets her screentime of the episode. Meanwhile, Lisa’s there, consoling Brittany, and even she looks massively disappointed when she learns of Jax’s actions. Kristen’s trying to get Faith back into the party so she can talk to Brittany and Faith has the common sense to say “hell fuckin naw” to that, because those people are not her friends. Jax doesn’t understand why Brittany believes Faith over him, but it’s because it’s obvious - if it wasn’t true, why is Faith avoiding them like the plague? They’re all looking at Jax in his wannabe Hugh Hefner robe and...

Welcome to Season Six, y’all.

This Season, on Vanderpump Rules, or Condom Advocacy 101: Shots! Flips! Go-pro leaps! Lisa and Stassi go to what seems like a cordial meeting! Ariana wants to break up with Tom. Oh, hi Lala! James kissing a guy? Stassi getting dumped by Patrick! Stassi yelling “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY” part 214. Brittany slapping Jax. James getting (probably) a well deserved drink in the face, Jax finally getting told he should be fired, and poor Schwartz’s phone.

See you next week, kittens. Feels great to be back.

Random Thoughts from the Desk of Amanda:

Katie’s pepto bismol pink interview look is not  good look. Lipstick, makeup, the dress- noooo.

Each of the Toms are getting 10% of TomTom for 100k. According to my SharkTank education, TomTom is going to cost $1 milion dollars. Jesus.

So… Faith committed elder abuse and no one’s gonna talk about it?

I would like to never see another masqu-fuckin-rade party on my television again.

Also, though, props to Faith: two seasons ago she was introduced alongside Lala as the New Crew At Sexy Unique Restaurant, and she kind of fell into oblivion while Lala’s star rose. Allegedly Lala threatened Faith with a knife at some point and the editors decided to give Lala a good edit so they left that part out. Get you your camera time, Faith.

Oh my god, Ariana posing in the mirror and then pretending to be “shocked” when Tom told her about Faith LOLOLOL This show.

I do not understand why anyone would have unprotected sex with Jax Taylor in 2017. He is literally patient zero. He is Typhoid Mary.

I also love that everyone is rallying around Brittany for the same thing they turned against Stassi for in season one. If Stassi needed an affirmation that her friends don’t really like her, she was handed one on a platter.

Masks make me claustrophobic, thus masquerade balls are of zero interest to me. I would also make a terrible superhero because of this. ↩︎

Are you listening to our podcast yet? I mean, why not? ↩︎

It says a lot about these men that not even their hairline wants to be near them. ↩︎

In my hiatus I became enthralled by the world of YouTube and Instagram Beauty Gurus and now can pick out a Shein/Fashionnova/Pretty Little Thing/Romwe/Missguided ensemble a mile away. ↩︎

Her skin actually looks like it has texture. It’s making me uncomfortable. Go back to being plastic, Scheana. ↩︎

Call back to my podcast, which again, you SHOULD BE LISTENING TO. ↩︎

Inventing a word shouldn’t make A Brand. ↩︎

May not be classy, but it sure is delicious. ↩︎

Lie. ↩︎

Also, someone ordered an espresso martini and I just cannot with Sexy Unique Restaurant’s glassware. Martini glasses?! Is this 1990s Manhattan on Sex and the City?! ↩︎

The one time we get a black person involved in this show and she fucks JAX?! Jax and Max Todd/Vanderpump. Girl is really trying to hitch her wagon to any star that can carry her. ↩︎

I did love that James was like “I think she’d keep the baby. She would.” A weird game I love to play with myself is “If _____ got pregnant tomorrow, would they keep it?” ↩︎

I mean, you knew who he was when you DM’d him on Instagram, Brittany. It’s hard to feel bad for you when you brought this into your life. ↩︎

Stassi and I’s birthday are a day a part, I wonder if her birthday this year was half as awful as mine was! ↩︎