#i adapted to unsuitable friends. i sucked it up when institutions didn't accomodate my disability and continued to strain my body
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pushing urself towards getting good at looking for people and situations that suit/care about u VS towards getting good at surviving and compromising with people and situations that don't
#i know that in life there's a balance to be struck between these 2 poles#u can't expect to always get everything that's perfect for u#it's not practical or reasonable to make a fuss over every thing and every instance that doesn't take u into account#but from birth i've been steeped in the koolaid of thinking that being a mature person means eradicating every human need/limit i had#believing that the only true kind of person who has the right to take space in the world is able to withstand and compromise anything#the kind that can take any indignity and every hardship and every physical strain and every emotional trauma without ever buckling#without ever needing rest#and i missed out on every chance to build up that other skill. i just sucked it up whenever things weren't suitable#i adapted to unsuitable friends. i sucked it up when institutions didn't accomodate my disability and continued to strain my body#i was masking and holding myself up to neurotypical standards from the start of my life bc it was The Way To Be A Person#i settled for a partner that liked me but couldn't understand the real me at all and i catered my interests to theirs to stay connected#and the thing is that society keeps telling stories where the moral is that 'toughing things out pays off and makes u a strong person'#'and look at the spoiled entitled nasty ugly foil character who couldn't tough things out! we don't like these kinds of people!'#and omgggg it's tiring swimming through this societal narrative soup#it's difficult feeling like refusing to settle makes me ugly or not worthy of compassion#it's difficult feeling like it's something Sinful and Unthinkable
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