#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed

[songofsaraneth]

Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however. 

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me: 

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just  suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all. 

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend: 

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs. 

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

[sshoujo-ais]

the millieships situation is very interesting because i would have loved to make a callout post about her way sooner but considering she kept (& still keeps) pushing the narrative that i was the abuser i held off bc i didn’t want to seem like the villain in the scenario but from my perspective it seems like she’s trying her best to vilify me

just with the language she uses to describe my actions even though she’s using screenshots for “transparency” so literally anyone can see what’s actually going on in the conversation? like how she says i screamed at her even though i’m not screaming at her in the screenshots... never mind the fact that she literally admits to bullying me & seeing it as “a joke” & when i got upset at her for it she uses that as proof of me being an abuser. let me reiterate that: she and her friends from the server openly bullied me, justified it by saying it was a joke, and she claims that me being upset about that is abusive of me.

and since i’m already out here debunking her claims let me move on to the second set of screenshots. a bit of context is necessary here and i bet even millie wasn’t aware of this but whenever she forgot to reply (which happened a lot) and then came back into the conversation with like “sorry i forgot to respond” my anxiety took a fuckin massive spike. if she had just continued the conversation as normal, just, respond to what i was talking about previously instead of stopping the conversation dead in its tracks it would’ve been completely fine! and i even suggested she do that! but when i ask her to stop doing something that gives me gotdamn anxiety attacks i’m abusive. sure. oh and while we’re on this topic, did you know she used to repeatedly tell me that if something she did bothered me i should bring it up with her? but apparently bringing it up with her was wrong & abusive. i mean she literally said i was “nitpicking” everything she did at one point. idk about you but to me that just sounds incredibly dismissive of any genuine concerns i had. she also claims that i used my mental disorders as a shield of sorts, that she couldn’t be upset with me over “it” (i’m guessing by “it” she means me asking her to stop doing shit that upsets me). which like... if something she does upsets me bc of my mental disorders and i ask her to stop i feel like that’s a reasonable request to make? and the fact that i feel like i had to bring up said mental disorders to justify myself should have been a red flag tbh??

i feel like the third thing she’s talking about i shouldn’t even have to bring up because the screenshots directly contradict how she describes the conversation. like, she says i called her enbyphobic because she wasn’t attracted to me, when in the conversation i literally say “you don’t have to be attracted to me” for one, and then describe myself as not an actual girl, which - this is kind of arguable but i didn’t see it as a personal attack on her at the time and still don’t. i was struggling with my gender at the time (moreso than i am now at the very least) & i didn’t see myself as an “actual girl” (obviously). i can see where the implication that i’m accusing her of being enbyphobic comes from, sure, but i feel like her taking my bout of dysphoria as a personal attack on herself is a problem with her, not with me.

the last thing is that bit about how i asked her to yell at some friends. it’s rly interesting that she uses the yelling/screaming rhetoric again for the record but i don’t rly feel like unpacking that rn. the more interesting thing is that she didn’t show the screenshots of me "demanding” that she “yell” at those ppl, in part because this is how that conversation went:

yknow.... i’m not even gonna say anything here. just judge for yourselves. she’s shared her side of the story, i’ve shared mine. i’ll probably talk about this more later bc there’s still a bunch of shit we haven’t even addressed but i just wanted to bring up the things i’m being accused of first and foremost.

if you’ve read this far and still think i’m in the wrong and want to unfollow me that’s perfectly fine w/ me. all i ask is that you don’t go into my dms to play devil’s advocate for millie; seeing these allegations come directly from her is already enough. conversely, i ask that you don’t go an harass millie over this. she said she didn’t want to start drama and i feel the same; all i’m trying to do here is bring my perspective on this “abuse” to light.

[edwardsvirginity]

a short(er) twilight-themed guide to my dissertation on memes

for anyone who wants to know why and how i wrote 8k words of academic theory on memes, but doesn’t actually want to read 8k words of academic theory on memes

so to begin with, a meme is really hard to define. this part is pretty boring if you don’t care about linguistics, so just take my word for it. i ask a lot of questions like “is a meme still a meme if” (no one shares it, no one makes different versions of it, there’s no standard format for it) and the answer is “sometimes! but we can’t tell you when!” and i also ask “how do you know when you’re looking at a meme?” to which the answer is “you just do! except when you don’t. that happens too.”

so basically, memes are like porn, you know them when you see them

then i talk about why it’s hard to study memes. this is fairly obvious if you think about it. imagine trying to find out the source of a random meme. and then every iteration of that meme anyone has ever made. then how popular each iteration got. how one iteration inspired another. how many times each iteration is reposted by someone else without credit. THEN, attempt to do that for every meme in existence. actually, just try and get a definitive count of how many memes exist. then, realizing that’s impossible, attempt to choose a “random” selection of memes to study not influenced by your personal online world. attempt to study memes that you don’t even know exist bc they don’t exist within your highly-customized online world. basically, memes are a rabbit hole and i don’t even pretend to do any sort of formal semi-comprehensive study, because i do not hate myself.

ok, moving on. i’m actually trying to write this post based on what I remember from my dissertation, which i haven’t reread in... a while. but i like to think i have a fairly good grasp of it bc i wrote it.

so basically the most important part about memes is that they function on at least 2 levels. let’s say there’s an active level and a passive level. the active level is the conversation you THINK you’re having when engaging with a meme. the clearly stated point/idea of the meme. the passive level is all the assumptions a meme is making in the background that, if you are not actively challenging, you are endorsing.

let’s see some examples.

this is a meme *i* made, so i’m gonna put myself on blast here

So the active level of this meme is the text/the point i’m trying to make, which is basically that bella is horny. but like, so horny that she’s willing to throw everything else in her life under the bus for some sexual satisfaction. i feel like this is fairly clear and most people interacting with the meme would consider that what the meme is about. we’re having a conversation about bella’s insatiable thirst for sparkling penis when we engage with this meme. 

sort of an in-between level that provides us with further information about the point i’m trying to make is context for the meme/meme format. this meme format is about someone choosing between a good thing and a bad thing. they’ve got the good thing, but they’re tempted by/indulging in the bad thing anyway. it’s fairly reasonable to come to the conclusion that i’m judging bella, when you combine the meme context with the actual text. i’m not only interpreting bella’s behavior here (she eschews her loved ones for sexual gratification), i’m also giving it moral value, labeling yeeting herself onto that dick = bad, building/maintaining relationships with friends and family = good. however, if you’re not familiar with this meme and it’s format, the fact that i’m throwing shade at bella is less clear, even if you understand how i’m interpreting her behavior. 

now on to the passive level of the meme. this meme makes some ASSUMPTIONS, and in engaging with the meme you’re validating those assumptions as “how this thing is/how the world works”. so here are a FEW of the assumptions this meme makes: 1. this is a man with his girlfriend checking out another girl. 2. the girlfriend is angry/jealous of her boyfriend expressing interest in another woman 3. everyone in this photo is heterosexual 4. men are always checking out other women/otherwise unfaithful, and this is normal/funny 5. this “couple” is monogamous 6. the “boyfriend” is relatable and we understand and condone his actions 7. maintaining a relationship with the “girlfriend” is a good decision and pursuing the girl in red would be a bad one

these assumptions might seem fairly clear, obvious, and straightforward, but they are ultimately, assumptions. we know NOTHING about the people in this photo and are projecting relationships on them. and clearly, we’re projecting some pretty intense gender and relationship roles on to them. and it’s necessary to accept those gender and relationship roles as “truth” long enough to understand the meme, because otherwise the meme wouldn’t make any sense, because the person who made it (me) made it with the understanding that you would be operating with the same set of assumptions about these people and their relationships as I am. understanding of what i’m trying to say with this meme is dependent on understanding and accepting the assumptions i’m handing you with it. 

and again, these ARE assumptions. take away the text, and there could be plenty of things going on in this photo. it’s possible none of these people are in romantic relationships, and this is a guy with his friend/family member, and they like to hold hands. this guy could be whistling at a dog he sees on the sidewalk because he wants to pet it, and the girl in blue is mad because they’re in a hurry. the girl in red could be his ACTUAL girlfriend, whose self esteem he’s boosting, and the girl in blue could be some random girl who wants his attention. this could be a couple in an open relationship, but the girlfriend is in the middle of an argument with this guy about something else. the guy could have shoulder checked the girl in red and is looking back to say sorry, and the girl in blue is mad bc shoulder checking this poor girl was a rude af thing to do. 

the reason why we don’t think any of those things ^^ upon seeing this meme is bc we live in the patriarchy. however, unfortunately, by sharing this meme uncritically, we’re also reinforcing the passive ideas within it, that men are unfaithful and it’s no big deal, that women are always competing with each other, that heterosexuality and monogamy are standard and correct. 

let’s look at another meme.

i didn’t make this one, i found it on a really cringy list of (old) twilight memes

active level of this meme: kristen stewart never smiles

in-between context level: this is the “most interesting man in the world” meme, where, bc he’s so interesting, he rarely has time to do normal things, and when he does them, he does them in a weird way. so according to this meme, kristen rarely smiles, and when she does, she does it in a weird way

passive level: kristen stewart SHOULD smile, and the fact that she doesn’t is weird/bad. WHY she doesn’t smile, and WHY she should, is left to viewer interpretation, but the implication is she’s doing something wrong. this meme wants you to fill in the blanks with the idea that kristen stewart is a bad actress because she doesn’t smile. it also reinforces the idea that women are SUPPOSED to smile and not be serious all the time. you could even go so far as to assume this meme is condemning bella’s character as a whole for being overdramatic and not smiling, playing into the narrative that women are hysterical and get upset about things that aren’t a big deal, and we shouldn’t take them seriously. personally, i think kristen’s acting in twilight was spot-on and super nuanced, and it was true to bella’s character that she didn’t smile often. i also think that kristen as a person smiles a reasonable amount and is only criticized for not smiling bc ppl so heavily associate her with bella. but if i were to share this meme uncritically, i wouldn’t just be reaffirming the (false) idea that kristen stewart doesn’t smile, i would also be reinforcing the idea that women SHOULD smile all the time, kristen is a bad actress, and bella is a bad character. i could go further into the sexism of all that but this is already long. 

HOW DID I GET AWAY WITH WRITING ABOUT THIS FOR MY MASTERS DEGREE?? 

basically, while you think you’re engaging in a conversation on one level with memes, you’re actually engaging in a lot of conversations. when it comes to political memes, often the “passive” levels of the memes come with a lot of ideas about how the world is or should work, which you reinforce when engaging with those memes. these passive assumptions shape the conversations we’re having, and the kind of policies we’re willing to support. memes come encoded with opinions on gender, relationships, race, sexuality, class, etc, and and make declarations about how these things DO or SHOULD work, shaping our own personal understanding of them. a meme that makes donald trump look stupid is advocating for different policies/political decisions than one that makes him look dangerous. and if all of our memes about trump focus on him looking stupid, we put more political effort into addressing that problem than the problem that he’s dangerous. memes can be used to challenge norms/question widely accepted ideas (here’s an example i literally just made):

but they can also be used to help people internalize ideas/messages that they wouldn’t be willing to accept uncritically if those ideas were presented in a different format. sometimes this is good, if you use memes to help people internalize good messages, like self-love. however, unfortunately in recent years this has mostly been used to radicalize lonely men, who internalize increasingly more hateful assumptions in memes and don’t realize that they’re doing it, because those messages are not explicit. just look at how pepe became a hate symbol. if you laugh at enough memes that operate on the assumption that women are sluts, you’re gonna start believing women are sluts, and are gonna be more likely to laugh at memes that imply that women are bad because they’re slutty, then that since they’re bad they don’t deserve rights, etc. 

basically, memes shape our understanding of how the world works because they make assumptions about how the world works that we have to agree with in order to understand the meme. when these assumptions involve identities or politics, they affect how we understand those things, and what conversations we have about them.

and that’s basically my dissertation on memes, minus a lot of other discussions about pop culture, humor, and group formation. 

any questions??

[go-diane-winchester]

My debate with a destiel shipper

@artificial-strawberry  Thank you for your response, and not just cussing me out.  It is nice to know what is going on in your head.  First of all, neither I nor any of the other disgruntled fans I have encountered have any issues with ships.  We have issues with militant destiel fans behaving in a way that we think might endanger Jensen and Jared.  I have receipts on that. 

People don't hate them for nothing.  And I have never seen destiel shippers do posts about bad bullying and death threats online behavior towards Jensen.  The good ones don't police their sides. They quickly say ''we are not all like that''.  So please understand where my irritation is coming from.  Mine and everyone else's. 

Your response to ''Jensen can make decisions, including stopping destiel from becoming canon''.

You’re entitled to your own opinion. You don’t have to ship destiel. And you’re right, Jensen and the others do probably have a lot of power on the show, and maybe I should have phrased that more clearly: since I’ve seen some people blaming Jensen/Misha for not advocating for destiel bc ”they would be able to make it happen”, I wanted to point out that 1. they probably DON’T want to make it happen and 2. even IF they did, this is such a big decision that the writers/producers most likely wouldn’t listen to them if they were completely against it. Were the roles reversed, however, and the writers wanted to make destiel happen and the actors didn’t, then yes, Jensen and Misha probably could tell them not to do it if they didn’t want it to happen.

My response

Actually only Jensen, Jared and Bob Singer [unfortunately] are allowed to make decisions regarding the script.  Misha is not a lead and no longer No 3 on the call sheet.  He is a guest star [not a series regular] whose time on SPN has only increased because the season has been shortened.  Contractually, he is still doing the same amount of work, but it just appears that he is making more appearances.  This, according to the SPN spokesperson.  He has no clout in the decision making process.  This is what I find baffling about you, don't speak about Jensen and Misha equally when it comes to decision making.  Misha has no power.  Jensen has power.  Speak about them individually.  So yeah, Jensen can make changes.  Misha, and he had said this so many times, has no power to make changes.  Not only has he worked in fewer seasons.  He has worked in less episodes. 

Misha, according to another destiel fan, wants destiel to be canon.  You are saying he doesn't.  Meanwhile, Jensen gets an arson threat for telling the truth too many times.  So no, this is not a live and let live situation.  There is no destiel.  It is a fanon ship, not a canon ship.  And only Misha gave his fans the impression that it could be canon. 

Your responses to ''Misha queer baited the shippers with his itch tweet and he consistently queer baits''. 

What you said about Misha, I can’t necessarily verify. I haven’t seen all the things you talked about, but it is true that he has ”joked” about destiel in the past. I, too, at first was annoyed by it. You know, don’t talk about it so much if it’s never going to happen. But then I thought about it. And I realized that Misha is part of that ship. We are not. We can distance ourselves, he can not. He gets stories written about himself giving blowjobs to one of his best friends. We do not. So the fact that he jokes about the ship might be something he does in order to make fun of the thing that makes him uncomfortable. And I understand that.

You cant verify whether Misha sent out the tweet?  But the tweet is what the hellers are complaining about.  It is one of many instances that he has done that.  Misha is only part of SPN.  He is NOT part of a ship.  He didn't sign a contract with destiel.  And yes, he can totally distance himself from it.  Who is holding a gun to his head.  All he has to do is stop talking about it.  J2 have been aware of wincest for 14 years.  They have only mentioned it a handful of times, but only when they are asked about it, and yet they are aware of the stories and the fan art.  They use the art to prank each other.  But they don't discuss wincest with fans, because that is the intelligent thing to do.  They don't want to give fans ideas.  How come they managed to distance themselves.  Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, is ''compelling'' Misha to make everything about destiel and even Cockles, which he had no business speaking about either, because Cockles is a tinhat pairing.  He is only one half of a pairing.  And if the other half, Jensen speaks against destiel, Misha calls him a motherf*cker.  I have receipts of that.  Why would he do that?  No one is forcing Misha.  He is doing it for his own amusement.  Who forced him to make the TSA movie.  He is not making fun of destiel.  He is pushing destiel, even though he is aware that people think he is queer baiting.  He spoke about queer baiting.  Don't you watch his panels?  He calls the people who criticize him ''haters''. 

Your response to Misha criticized SPN for being misogynistic in 2013.

I can’t really respond to this, since I haven’t seen it, so I can’t comment on it. I do want to ask though: how do you know he wasn’t reprimanded for that?

There were news reports written about this.  Just google ''Misha Collins accuses Supernatural of being gratuitously misogynistic''.  You will find the articles.  It won't take you two minutes.  What was the result of that?  Misha fans, at his behest, starting rallying together to attack SPN for misogyny and demanded a spinoff.  Their campaigning lasted three years.  That spinoff is Wayward Daughters.  It failed due to bad ratings because only Misha's fans truly wanted it.  Everyone else didn't care.  So the spinoff didn't have an audience.  So Misha, and his big mouth, costed SPN time, money and resources but they can't get rid of him, because of Bob Singer, his wife Eugenie and her writing partner, Buckner.  That is probably why older SPN writers like Sera Gamble, Ben Edlund and Jeremy Carver just left.  They got fed up of dealing with Misha's antics and constantly shoehorning Cas into a script and they know it.  Bob keeps Misha and Cas on board. 

Your response to ''The show is not queer baiting you with metaphors, purples shirts and parallels etc''

The queerbaiting issue is difficult, I’ll say that. All I can really comment on is that I believe the show queerbaits - whether they do it on purpose or not is another thing. You’re allowed to believe that the show doesn’t and that’s cool. You’re also allowed to believe the show is perfect and has no flaws - also cool. I don’t. And that’s that. Agree to disagree.

Oh no honey.  That is not how it works.  Queer baiting should not be based on your opinions and beliefs.  You are tarnishing a show's name and yet you can't provide examples of how they are queer baiting you?  No, that is a cop out of a response if I ever heard one.  Recently, MM spoke  about  Supernatural's  ''notorious'' queer baiting.  Not because they have seen queer baiting, but because of Destiel shipper's social media trends.  The destiel shippers actually trended the topic of Jensen being a homophobe and MM picked up of that.  All because he is not giving in to Destiel.  That is sexual harassment.  They are destroying his reputation because he is refusing something sexual that they want.  Go look up the word social rape.  That is what is happening here.  I am shaking my head because you based a large part of your argument on queer baiting and yet you cant speak about it.  I cant believe you just said ''agree to disagree''.   

Your last response

And finally: I get it. You’re protective of the boys. You love them and you love the show. I don’t want to attack you and I don’t want to even try and convince you to agree with me. You’re you and I’m me and we don’t think alike and that’s fine. All I want to say is that in the future, please reconsider before calling someone names or urging people to block them. I’m a big girl; I can handle it. But there are so many little kids and young teens on this site who are vulnerable and might not be able to just brush it off.

You hate name calling.  Well, then you must despise the hellers.  They ship shame.  They tell the wincest fans to kill themselves.  They tell Jared, a suicidal man, to kill himself.  And they threatened Jensen's life multiple times.  I have receipts on my blog.  They even threatened to kidnap Jared and his children.  And they base their actions on headcanons.  That is why I call out headcanons.  I have likeminded people following my blog.  One of them directed me to your mistagged post.  I didn't find you myself.  They are fed up of destiel shippers mistagging their posts.  And they use my posts, calling out these shippers, to block because filtering tags doesn't work.  Why do you think Destiel is called DeanCas, CasDean, DeanxCastiel and various other derivatives?  So that a non-shipper would be unable to block them.  They indoctrinate people.  By the way, ''little kids'' are not supposed to be on Tumblr.  Its a violation if they are.  You should know that.  And teens are not babies.  Just a few days back, I reported a teen destiel shipper for threatening to kill SPN creators because they are not making destiel canon.  Tumblr, according to one of my readers, responded.  So no, if you misbehave on Tumblr, you should be called out for it.  Tag your post properly.  Because all that plus the online threats and excusing Misha's horrendous behavior is making your side intolerable.  People aren't getting angry for nothing.  People who were neutral on the subject,now hate it because of the tagging.  They don't even know about the threats.  Destiel, like a fly in their face, all the time, bothers them.

All in all, it was nice engaging with destiel shipper for a change, because they usually don't engage in discourse.  They just tell me to eff off.  So thank you for that.  I wish I heard more about the queer baiting, because another shipper I am currently talking to also is shirking that part about the discussion.  Which I find very quizzical. 

[boringpapercutter]

A Huge Respect And Why I'm Settling On My Own Belief.

i was always an advocate of art in churches and creativity so my belief about my expression of worship is not exactly the same like the normal form. so i tend to be questioned about it and I always end up being the weird guy and honestly after hearing my side, people tend to care less like they just nod then leave the conversation like nothing happened. it's always like that. i don't mind tho coz i know that i am right; there is nothing wrong about my belief. and i think it's not that so bizarre so people act normal about it.

my belief about the expression of worship is that we can do anything to express our praises and adoration to God as long as it supported by the Scripture, legal, amoral and morally right. and as long as it leads to repentance, righteousness and reflection on who God is; not just for show or for our own entertainment. if I want to worship in a manner of shouting I would bc I'm comfortable with it or if I want to take my act of worship privately I would. i can do anything but of course with limit. but personally, without thinking about being a song leader on stage, i would choose worshipping God on my own, in my own room, without being seen by anyone. because i really think our personal God loves an intimate relationship with him and i think that intimacy is being on my own with Him. so people might see me sometimes just standing on the side in a worship service, not doing anything. just staring at the projector. because i really don't want people to see me worshipping God coz i really think it's being a show-off. but some people might get offended by my action so sometimes i go with the flow. it's not really a big deal but i really prefer my own way.

anyway, i brought this topic bc i just had this great experience in a Pentecostal church worship service. i became a part of the service so i had the opportunity to behold their way of worshipping God. usually they respond loudly to any speaker on stage and sings with a lot of emotions. they shout, lay on the floor, laugh, cry, dance, do weird hand gestures, speak in tongues or babble some weird phrases or words all at the same time to show their respond to the Word of God coming from an energetic speaker and song leader. their way is very unusual. they tend to look chaotic and crazy but they're okay with one another so i think I'll be okay with them as well.

but honestly, at first, when i saw them being charismatic, my judgemental side wanted to laugh but as i look to them, i realized it was my advocacy all along. not that i realized i want to crawl on the floor too. I'm not that kind of a Christian. I realized this is what freedom of expression in worshipping looks like. the chaotic idea in my head about them turned into a form of art that was only labeled as "chaotic" from those who prefer the quiet kind of worship. my viewpoint about their act of worship changed into something that can be considered as a selfless kind of expression bc they didn't care if they look stupid with their actions just to worship the Lord. it became beautiful in my eyes. because of that, i gained the respect they deserve.

of course I'm still on the side of being sensitive to what i can only do to worship God. i believe that their should be limit and order in the house of God. i like their kind of expression. look, this is kinda hard to actually defend myself bc i can never state that they are genuine in their worship. i mean no one can ever tell if someone is genuine with their expression of worship. so I'm just gonna set my doubts aside and just trust God that He allows those kind of expressions bc He has his reasons and we don't have the right to tell if they are right or wrong.

i still want to worship God on my own so I'll stick with it and maybe one day, I'll be able to worship more freely. i respect Pentecostals. I respect Evangelicals. I respect everyone's own expression of worship like what we should do under the light of Christ. i want to be more understanding so in the coming days I'll be able to innovate churches in their liturgy and mindset about these salvation-unrelated issues.

[findsomeoneelse]

       This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often  threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do. 

        And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores. 

         I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

          He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

          I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here). 

        That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.  

      I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think. 

       I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have. 

      My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

      If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

[spiritroots]

Hey, can I ask for some advice? So a while ago I tried a good grades spell & it didn't work so this made me really insecure and i fell out of my practice But obvs bc witchcraft is in me, i still have my moments but I'm just filled with anxiety that something won't work out and even I know that practice makes perfect, Idk where to start again

Hey there :D This is such an interesting question because it gets into a really huge topic that I’ve thought about a lot, which is getting results in magic and/or witchcraft. I have a rather unpopular opinion about this because the methodologies behind my practice are based on a very Buddhist and Afrocentric worldview, which is totally distinct from and inconsistent with the mainstream perspectives of Witchblr.

I hope this little essay/ramble below shows a very different set of perspectives on magic that may be helpful for you. Take it or leave it. Ultimately I can’t tell you what’s right or wrong, only share my thoughts in the hopes that it’s useful somehow.

Disclaimer: Below is a lot of information about my personal methodologies and worldview, so if anyone disagrees that’s okay! I am not sharing this to preach what I do to others or say that anyone else should or has to emulate it. 

I respect others’ paths, and I simply share this in the hopes that my path is respected also. If it’s helpful to anyone who finds common ground with anything I’ve said, then I’m glad (:

I also talk a fair amount about witchcraft vs. what I do, and I’m not trying to overgeneralize or speak for all witches. There are always exceptions to things, I’m just sharing some of my observations.

[ Ask me anything ] [ About ] [ Buy me a coffee ] [ Spirit Roots Shop ]

Magic Methodologies & Getting Results

I am an equal part of this community just like anyone else, and I respect witches and other magic practitioners immensely for what they do. We learn from each other, and I’ve grown my practice together with yall. So on Witchblr, I read the methodological discussions about witchcraft that I see. Most tend to advocate that witchcraft is whatever you want it to be, any kind of magic can be called witchcraft and included in that practice. A few here and there say that witchcraft is all about results, and although the implications of that opinion aren’t always agreed upon, it seems true that most witches are very results-oriented.

I don’t see any one magic path as better or more effective than any another, but the paths I’ve chosen or been called to walk down with magic and divination are very different than most of what I see across Witchblr. I watch these witchcraft discussions happening around me and standards or rules put forward for witches that don’t really apply to me or have anything to do with what I do because of the paths I’ve chosen for myself.

Since I’m not a witch, I don’t really get worried about what people say witchcraft is or isn’t. I practice magic not on the terms of witchcraft, chaos magick, or what Witchblr says about anything. I practice magic and divination on the terms of my ancestors, on the terms of nature, on the terms of Ifá. Ifá itself actually means “nature,” and represents the traditional African Yoruba worldview of magic, divination, spirituality, and all aspects of life itself.

Another important structure for me that also dictates the terms of my magic practice is Buddhism, especially when it comes to attachment, karma, and ethics. I don’t curse (though I am very pro-cursing in the sense that I support everyone’s right to curse!), I avoid ever casting non-consensual magic on other people, and most significantly for this conversation, I am not results-oriented.

The entire foundation of Buddhism rests on the Four Noble Truths, which explain that attachment is the root of suffering and freedom from suffering can only occur when there are no more attachments. Apply this to magic, and it flies in the face of how most people think about magic because in most cases magic seems to be about trying to make results happen. Yet as a Buddhist, I consider becoming very attached to results in this way to be contradictory at the core to my religious beliefs. So if not results, what motivates what I do? How does it fit into this framework?

In Buddhism, karma means action not results, and the results of your karma are dictated by not just the action itself but also your intentions behind them. For example, from a Buddhist perspective, if you feed ten hungry children just to make yourself look good, your action (karma) seems to be excellent but your intention was egotistical and ultimately the results for you will match that intention. Apply this to magic, and suddenly magic has a whole new spin on it. Regardless of what magical actions are performed, when the intention behind them is cultivating good values such as compassion or loving-kindness for others, then it’s probably good karma from a Buddhist perspective. So, for me, magic isn’t about results, it’s about karma, a combination of my intentions (the magical methodology) and my actions (the application of that methodology). 

One might ask, well what about Ifá and hoodoo? Don’t they have very practical, results-oriented magic traditions? 

There are several different ways of practicing “magic” in Ifá. (I put magic in parentheses because the line between what is “religious practice” and what is “magic” gets very blurred within Ifá since it doesn’t need to make a clear distinction within itself.) Arguably the most important way is through ebo, making sacrifices to the orisha. It is an exchange of ashe between humans and orisha through the animals sacrificed. Ashe is the Yoruba version of “energy” that flows through all life and all of the universe. Ashe can contain messages within it, encoded with intent. When we say oriki (prayers), we are encoding ashe to be sent to a particular orisha and to express certain intentions. The ashe of the human beings involved and their intent through oriki is carried by the animal up to Olorun, where many of the orisha live. This is how ebo works. So there’s action (the ebo) and intent (the oriki), but where’s the results? That is the domain of the orisha, not the humans who made ebo except to continue in their lives toward that goal.

With hoodoo, the thing is, people can say that it’s “results-oriented” all day and night, but when it comes down to it, the traditional views are that you can only manipulate or push forces of nature one way or another by working roots - you can’t gain full control over the entire universe. If you ask Christian rootworkers, they’ll tell you that it’s God - not them - who decides the results. This is why in hoodoo you petition the ancestors, you don’t boss them around. You traditionally pray over candles, oils, etc. you don’t only say incantations. A lot of hoodoo is actually asking your ancestors, spirits of nature, and God or other deities for help and working with them. This is why in hoodoo, divination is typically done before casting any spells for a client. It’s communication to get information about the possible results happens beforehand to find out if it’s even worth trying - or to find out what spell would be effective.

This is all to say that while I see a lot of emphasis on Witchblr about getting results, results are not the emphasis in my practice because Buddhism and Afrocentrism have led me to focus more on other aspects of the process. My focus is first of all, the intention, the magical design, the methodology and purpose, which follows hoodoo and/or Ifá tradition and requires innovation with my intuition at the same time. Then secondly, it’s the actions, the application of that design and that methodology with careful technique and concentration. I believe the results are in the hands of nature and the universe, but my actions and intent are the aspects that I can control.

And strangely enough, I find that when I focus on what I can control in the magical process and let go of my attachments to the results, that’s when my magic is the most effective. My manifestation magic has been at it’s most effective when I express my desire for an outcome through my actions combined with intent and then completely and utterly let go of any attachment to the results. I find this very challenging to do, but when I do it, that’s when the universe tends to respond and we flow together.

And when it doesn’t work out? I trust that it wasn’t meant to for one reason or another. This lack of attachment doesn’t hurt my methodology because every time I cast a spell or do divination, I am very very careful to make my methods and practice as carefully designed and as good as possible. When I say I focus in on my actions and intent, I mean I really work the design of it and the application. I study, I research, I am passionate about the process. The thing is, because I am not attached to the results, I can do all this in a very non-judgmental way that actually allows me to be more mindful and present in what I am doing without being caught up in self-criticism about it. 

I can improve and grow and learn through practice every time, not just after the times that I got unintended results. I don’t get discouraged because I am constantly learning, nothing is ever just a success or a failure, but always a learning process. I am always watching what results I am getting from my karma, and then adjusting from there the things that I do have control over. 

I do not believe that I can simply dominate or control the universe, but I can learn to work its roots. As one string in the cosmic web, I can cause ripples across the intersections and then watch as a student to see what happens and figure out where to go and what to do next.

@hexcuse-me I know that was a lot, but now, here is my advice. Think about your methodology as a witch. I don’t think this question is really just about success or failure or getting results, but asking what does it even mean for you to “succeed” or “fail” when you practice magic? Do your standards for success and failure align with why you began practicing witchcraft to begin with? 

It’s okay to be results-oriented, it’s also okay not to be. I think this gets into the nature of your relationship with witchcraft and magic on a very fundamental level. How do you believe magic works? Why do you practice it?

If you take a step back and dig deep into the heart of your craft for you - not what anyone else tells you it is or isn’t - I hope you will find the direction you’re looking for to start again

[groundramon]

Actually you know what, hot take because I was talking about MOGAI discourse earlier: discourse around media (such as “anti” behavior) can be just as harmful to kids as MOGAI labels.  Not in the same way of course, the only similarity they have is that they both come from a place of good intent.

To preface this before you read my first paragraph and go off on me: I am an anti.  I am a minor.  I have been an anti for years.  I’m talking from my experiences as well as things I’ve observed on this website.  Also, if you call yourself an anti-anti or think anti discourse is stupid or whatever, stop reading this right now because you’re not welcome here.  This is not arguing that anti mentality is bad - no, anti mentality should be the norm.  I’m just exploring the possibility that it can be toxic to kids to engage heavily in this topic.  It is not toxic for kids to be antis, especially if they don’t engage in discourse, and it is NOT the kid’s fault for being dragged into it.  It’s 100% the fault of all the weird adults and older teens who normalize this kind of shit.  I’m simply recording how older antis (which, I could consider myself one despite being a minor) can create a toxic environment for minors as well.

Okay? Alright.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I express myself and my views on media lately.  I won’t get into details of how that came about, and honestly if you think you know the reason you don’t actually know the full story because I’ve discussed this with multiple people now.  Some context: I’m not a naturally angry person.  I have a tendency to sound very angry while ranting about things in media, because I have a strong sense of justice, a passion for fictional media that I hate seeing botched like that, and I have a shitty way of wording things.  I’ve realized lately though, that what could’ve started as me overreacting about my annoyance from something (I honestly don’t remember at this point, because of how deeply ingrained this behavior has been into me) has turned into legitimate rage.

I don’t like being angry.  I feel very, very bad when I’m angry.  It’s honestly worse than the lowest lows of my depression for me.  Anger isn’t a common emotion for me and it makes me uncomfortable, especially because I feel like I could easily hurt someone while I’m worked up.  And I don’t like feeling like that.  Anger pretty much makes all my mental illnesses/disorders get worked up into a tizzy and makes me feel Bad.

There’s honestly not a single thing I go into not scanning for something to nitpick.  Normally it’s just a shitpost, because I’ve tried to streamline what I watch to the few things that don’t make me mad (namely kids cartoons) so there’s nothing to really get that worked up about.  But when I try to watch any anime, which I enjoy when im sad btw because absorbing myself in complex fictional worlds and continuous storylines is very therapeutic to me, hoo boy...

Do you see the problem?  There aren’t enough Steven Universes in the world to satisfy my crave for content while also avoiding anything that ticks me off.  Hell, at this point at Steven Universe I dont even know whats going on so I’m kind of just there for the ride, but at least it doesn’t do anything as horrendous as most of the anime I’ve seen.  I may be able to pick up some silly situational cartoons like We Bare Bears that are fine, but a lot of those don’t interest me too much - and go back to the peak of action cartoons and there’s a lot of equally questionable stuff to most PG13-rated anime nowadays.

What I’m doing right now, the way I’m processing media right now, is not a good thing.  Is it Horikoshi’s fault for creating Mineta that I feel this way?  Yes, 100%; I have a right to feel indignant about a sexual assaulter being promoted in such a way.  But can I do anything about Horikoshi creating Mineta?  No, no I cannot, except hopefully advocate in the future for the banishment of pedophilic undertones in media.  But right now?  I’m a kid.  I can’t even vote yet.  I could protest, but where?  Who would care?  I don’t have a car anyways, also I’d get heat stroke.  I can yell about it online but I’m not yelling about it to anyone who needs to hear it, I’m just reminding good people that shitty people Exist.

There’s nothing I can do, so for my sake, I need to try to calm down about it.  I need to stop myself when I start to get angry, not go on a rant - or go on a rant just to get it out of my system, but hopefully work to the point where I dont have to rant every time it happens.  I can just roll my eyes and move the fuck along.

But I see people, namely older antis (usually around my age or a little older?  Maybe college-aged), act like this stuff is good, act like this stuff is okay.  They tell 13 yr olds and 14 yr olds that this is how they should process media, that they need to deconstruct media every time they watch it to be aware of who they’re supporting.

Stop that.  I agree that awareness is good, but you’re going to make these kids self-destruct any time they try to enjoy something.  There’s a difference between acknowledging flaws and still enjoying something anyways, and the overanalyzing shit that Tumblr encourages.  And you’re putting this shit on KIDS!  Literal kids!  You’re acting like it’s kids’ responsibility to identify problematic stuff in media!  IT’S NOT!

Saying that it is is like saying I, personally, am responsible for global warming because we own a van and a hybrid car instead of two electric cars.  That’s not true; even if I became a forest creature I wouldn’t make a dent in global warming.  The people controlling it are the people at the top of the food chain - the rich.  Honestly living in california has taught me that poor people get fucked over at the expense of the rich; sure we’re democratic, but tell that to the people who cant water their lawns bc the water bill is too high because of a “drought” that’s been artificially created by poor resources and rich people in malibu or w/e over-watering their lawns.

Kids can be antis because it helps them protect themselves.  But for god’s sake, don’t act like kids have to analyze every piece of media they come across.  Nobody has to do that, it’s not healthy for anyone, but it’s ESPECIALLY not healthy for kids.  Don’t guilt trip them for not giving up BNHA because of Mineta.

Be fucking careful with your words; your intentions may be good, but your results may not be.

Once again “anti-anti”s/anyone who supports that kinda shit don’t interact, this post isn’t for you.  This post isn’t about how anti community is inherently toxic; it’s about how you created a potentially toxic counter-movement because of your even more toxic behavior.  You’re far worse than the people I’m talking about in this post.  You created them.  Also fuck you.

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)