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[starfirelove]

Wishful Thinking (Part 2)

(Because for some reason a lot of people loved part 1?! Here’s Part 1 & Part 3)

******

“You look like hell.”

Remus looked up from his book at the source of the voice. Lily was standing over him, arm propped casually against the tree he was leaning on, bag slung over her shoulder.

Remus snorted in agreement. “I feel like it, too. Move over, Lils. You’re blocking my light.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, casting a glance at the sun behind her, and then she looked back down to Remus who raised his book a bit. Gesturing at the shadow that now rested over the pages.

Lily dropped her bag on to the grass beside Remus and then sat down herself, leaning back against it.

“So what was it this time?” Lily asked.

“My Mum was sick. Looks like I caught a bit of whatever she had.” Remus said, flipping a page in his book.

Lily peaked over at him and a pang of concern shot through her for her friend. She could see the pain Remus was in. His stiff, stilted movements and slow breathing making her wince. He was always like this after he came back from home. Tired and beaten down. Even turning the pages of his book seemed to be uncomfortable.

She found herself wondering what type of illnesses his mother contracted. Surely they should take her to a hospital if they were that bad?

Lily propped herself up on her elbows, stealing a sideways look over at the book Remus was reading. She frowned, the page was the same as when she’d first arrived. Remus was staring blankly down at the book, eyes slightly unfocused and mind wandering.

Lily snapped her fingers under his nose, causing Remus to jump and give her a reproachful look. “You alright, there?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remus said, still glaring at her.

Lily’s eyes narrowed. He was most decidedly not fine. Whatever he was thinking about, it wasn’t the book and it seemed to be bothering him.

She reached over and placed her hand across the pages, poking him in the side with her other hand.

“No, you’re not fine. You’ve been staring at the same two pages for the past ten minutes. It doesn’t take a lot to see that somethings wrong.”

Remus stared at her, considering not saying anything. Then he sighed.

“I came out to Sirius last night.”

Lily drew back and sucked in a breath, pulling herself into a seated position.

“Shit. How’d he take it? Well, I hope. Otherwise he’d be one hell of a hypocrite.”

Remus snickered. “He took it fine, just a bit shocked I guess.”

Lily snorted. “I don’t see how. You haven’t exactly been inconspicuous about it.”

Remus’ eyes narrowed, he snapped the book shut and whacked her with it. Lily scooted further back, raising her arms in mock surrender.

“What! It’s true! The only person who can’t tell that you’re into Sirius Black, is Sirius Black.”

“I should hope not,” Remus grumbled. “Might complicate a few things if he did.”

Lily let out a long suffering sigh. They’d had this conversation before and she knew exactly how it would end; with Remus denying that Sirius would ever like him. She loved him to death but sometimes he really was dumber than a rock.

“Well you’ll never know unless you ask.”

Remus laughed, dry and sarcastic. “And when was the last time you asked someone out Lily?”

Lily scowled at him. “Rude.”

“I’m not wrong, though,” Remus said with a shrug. He looked over at Lily, her arms were folded across her chest, scowl still present.

Remus sighed. “Look, even if there was a chance— and I’m not saying that there is — that we could end up together I don’t want to mess with our friendship.” Remus ran a hand through his hair, eyes dropping to his lap.

“I can’t be the one to fuck up our friend group, Lily. I just can’t,” he said softly.

He looked back up at Lily, her features had softened and her green eyes were crinkled slightly at the corners. Lily reached out and grabbed Remus’ hand, squeezing it slightly and smiling at him.

“I know and you won’t. No matter what happens between you guys, you’ll always still have each other. I might not be fond of your idiot friends but I do know that deep down— very deep down, they’re good people. Loyalty is everything to those morons, they wouldn’t trade your guy’s friendship for the world.”

“Thanks, Lily.”

“Of course.”

A soft breeze floated through the air, making strands of Lily’s hair fly around her face. Next to her a small patch of dandelion seeds floated off into the wind. Lily picked one, handing it over to Remus who looked at her in confusion.

“Yeah, no. I’m allergic to those things,” Remus said.

Lily groaned and shoved the flower into Remus’ lap anyways.

“Blow on it. They’re supposed to grant wishes.”

Remus laughed. “That’s the biggest load of garbage I’ve ever heard.”

Lily shrugged, she didn’t particularly care. Picking another dandelion for herself she said, “Can’t hurt time try can it?” She blew on the fluffy seeds, the two of them watching them scatter into the wind. Remus watched them for a second before picking up his own.

“No, I guess not,” and he sent the seeds scattering into the wind.

**********

James stared intently down at the chess board in front of him, his hand hovering above the pieces. He needed to make a move. He could of course move the Knight to E5. Then he would be able to take Sirius’ bishop. But if he did that then his bishop could be taken by a pawn in a couple of moves.

James sighed, he didn’t really have very many options. “Knight E5,” he said finally. Resolving to make up for the inevitable loss of his by taking Sirius’ rook. The Knight moved across the board of its own accord, settling on one of the white squares on the far left.

James stole a glance at Sirius, expecting to see him silently plotting his demise. Instead, Sirius wasn’t even looking at the chess board, he wasn’t looking anywhere near the table, actually.

He was staring blankly out of one of the common room windows, twirling his wand back and forth across his fingers.

“Sirius.”

Sirius looked up, he seemed mildly startled by his surroundings. “Hmm?”

James raised an eyebrow at him. “It’s your turn.”

“Oh. Right.” Sirius leaned over the board, eyes scanning the game, his mind was elsewhere, though.

James groaned, and moved the game off the table. Sirius blinked in surprise.

“Just tell me what’s the matter with you, already,” James said. “You’re making the whole game boring.”

Sirius sat back in his chair. “Nothings wrong, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit,” James said irritably. “You’ve been off since you and Remus came back to the dorm last night— yes I saw you come back in,” He rolled his eyes at the shocked look on Sirius’ face. Then, something snapped into place.

“It’s Remus, isn’t it?” James asked slowly. “He told you he’s bi?”

If Sirius was shocked a second ago, he was absolutely floored now. “How on earth did you know that.”

James shrugged. “It wasn’t exactly hard to figure out, Remus wasn’t exactly inconspicuous about it. And you have absolutely no subtlety whatsoever. The real question is how did you not know?”

Sirius wasn’t sure if he should be impressed by how quickly James figured it out or offended by the comment about his lack of subtlety. He decided that both worked.

“Well maybe it just isn’t as obvious to you as it is to everyone else.”

“Oh it is,” James said, shaking his head. “Trust me.”

Sirius sighed, looping a strand of his hair around his index finger. “He started going on about some guy he’s liked for a while. The man sounds like a bloody moron, apparently he doesn’t like Remus back.”

James laughed loudly, reclining back in his chair. “Merlin, you really are a moron.”

Sirius glared at his best friend, who was still chuckling. “Am I missing something.”

“Yes,” James said, choking on the last of his laughter. “You really are.”

“Care to elaborate?”

James shook his head. “Nah, it’d be better if you figure it out on your own. Besides, Wormy and I have a bet and I’m not willing to risk 20 galleons to enlighten you.”

Sirius threw one of the cushions on the chair at James. “Arse.”

James caught it with ease and dropped it onto the floor. “You’ll thank me later.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at him, whatever it was he was pretty sure he wouldn’t thank him later for it. More than likely it was another prank, although why he didn’t know about it was a bit confusing.

A light breeze floated through the window, causing James to shiver.

“Close the window, would you,” he asked.

“Why don’t you close it yourself,” Sirius asked, already on his way to do just that.

He wrapped his fingers around the handle, prepared to close it when a flash of red caught his eye. From the common room he could see Lily and Remus sitting in the grass. Sirius watched as Lily shoved Remus, who was laughing at something she’d said. She was picking up fistfuls of grass and launching them at Remus and he used a book to shield himself.

“What’s taking you so long?” James asked, joining Sirius at the window. He followed Sirius’ gaze and laughed a bit.

Another gust of wind blew through the air, dropping a small fluffy seed into Sirius’ hair. James gently picked it out.

“What is it?” Sirius looked curiously at the small seed pinched between James’ fingers.

“A dandelion seed. Make a wish.”

Sirius gave him a funny look. “Why?”

James shrugged. “I dunno, someone once told me that dandelions grant wishes.”

“It was Lily, wasn’t it?”

James shrugged, again. “Does ur really matter? Besides, what’ve you got to lose?”

Sirius extended his hand and James dropped the seed into his palm.

“Nothing,” Sirius said, staring at the seed. “Absolutely nothing.”

Then he closed his eyes and cast the seed off into the wind.

*****

(There’s going to be one more part that I’ll probably write tomorrow buuttt we’ll see)

[buckybarnesbingo]

BBB Week 8 Roundup!  

Some amazing fills made this week, go forth and appreciate our creators!

Title: Flower Petals Collaborator: writing-what-writing Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K5 - Hanahaki disease Ship: Bucky/Reader Rating: Gen Major Tags: very light angst Summary: Bucky’s been coughing up flowers and the only cure is if you love him back Word Count: 863

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Title:  I’d Do It Again Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Link: Tumblr Square Filled: U2 - Queer Platonic Relationship Ship: Bucky/Bruce Rating: Teen Major Tags: mention of torture, mild violence and threat Summary: After he is kidnapped, Bucky rescues Bruce from a facility which is trying to separate him from the Hulk. Word Count: 1620

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Title: As the Spirits Guide Us Collaborator: 27dragons Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 3 - K1: Poison Chapter 4 - K2: Dark Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Prehistoric, Running Away, Spirit Animals, totem spirits, Coming of Age, Sharing a Meal, Sex, Frottage Summary: The Clan of the Hydra value’s Bucky’s skill as a flintknapper but despises him for being a crippled outsider. The Clanchief, in particular, seems to enjoy watching Bucky suffer. Bucky dreams of escaping, of finding a home with a new Clan, one which will treat him kindly. A talented maker and only child of the Keeper of the Way, Tony has only to complete this last rite before he can fully assume his place as an adult of the Star Clan. On this journey, the spirit-talker assures him, the spirits will bring him to meet his destined mate. Tony is pretty sure the selection of his mate has less to do with the spirits than with the machinations of his mother and the clan chief. Little do either of them know what the spirits have in store. Word Count: 5713

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Title: A sketch in red Collaborator: Nivelle Link: Tumblr Square Filled: Y4 - Seeing Red Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: art  Summary: art

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Title: A Night at the Nat - Chapter 4 Collaborator: Politzania Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - apology Ship: Bucky/Clint/Tony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: werewolf & supernatural AU, minor injuries/blood, eventual smut Summary: The fancy restaurant isn’t the only reason Clint feels out of his depth. Even though his dinner companions are clearly devoted to one another, they keep flirting with him. Maybe accepting this invitation wasn’t such a good idea. Word Count: 4701

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Title: Fire in My Soul - Chapter 1 Collaborator: squadrickchestopher Link: AO3 Square Filled: C3 - free space Ship: WinterHawk Rating: Explicit Major Tags: graphic depictions of violence Summary: Natasha interrupts him. “So here’s what happened,” she says, letting her irritation bleed into her voice and her expression. Clint ducks his head even lower. “You two morons got the bright idea to get busy on a magic altar while wearing a magic amulet. Somehow, this triggered some kind of spell, and—I can’t believe this is an actual thing I’m about to say—it turned you both into little dragons.” Bucky stares at Clint, then looks down at his own claws. Then he looks back up at Nat. “What the fuck?” Word Count: 5442

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Title: Art Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Link: Tumblr Square Filled: Y1 - nerd Bucky Ship: Bucky & Peter Rating: Gen Major Tags: art  Summary: Bucky had always loved science fiction. He loved to get lost in the wonder of what was possible and consider how the future could be better. When he joined the Avengers, Peter soon learned of Bucky’s interest and immediately got him started on every major sci-fi franchise he had missed over the years. Star Wars ended up being his favourite and when Peter came in brandishing his new, fully functioning lightsaber Bucky couldn’t resist having a go with the weapon. That quickly lead to costumes and a fully fledged photo shoot to commemorate the occasion. 

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Title: Red Carpet Rescue Mission Collaborator: darter_blue Link: AO3 Square Filled: B3 - Rescue Mission Ship: Stucky Rating: Mature Major Tags: meet cute Summary: Bucky Barnes can totally do this, he can fumble his way through a red carpet event and not lose his brand new nationally televised lifestyle presenter gig... he just has to remember to ask questions about the premier and NOT composting (being that he is, in fact, a Gardener and not an entertainment reporter). And when he sees a fellow sufferer in need of saving from all the lights, cameras, and hubbub, of course he's going to sidle over and be a friendly face. Except the poor, unfashionable gentleman perhaps isn't a ring in like Bucky imagined, is perhaps more famous than he looks?Is perhaps actually a real life superhero? This is just fluff and more fluff of disaster Bucky and an always charmed Captain America... Word Count: 5328

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Title: Arboreal: Songbird protocol moodboard Collaborator: menatiera Link: Tumblr Square Filled: B4 - Sunrise/Sunset Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Fluff, Bucky Barnes Needs A Hug, (Arm Maintenance), moodboard Summary: Moodboard for the fic Songbird Protocol by Arboreal. Fic summary: Tony apparently has a thing for musicians. It’s brand new information for him, but Bucky is irresistible.

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Title: we could take a chance, we could make it Collaborator: velvetjinx Link: AO3 Square Filled: K4 -  partner in crime Ship: Stucky Rating: Explicit Major Tags: historical AU Summary: Bucky likes to steal treasure. Steve likes to steal it back for its rightful owners. But when they have to team up to fight a common enemy and sparks fly, will either of them be willing to risk their hearts? Word Count: 5385

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Title: When is a bed not a bed? (When you’re not in it) - Chapter 2 Collaborator: riotfalling Link: Tumblr Square Filled: C3 - free space Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: non-graphic injury and violence Summary: There’s a tiny safe house, with one tiny window and one tiny couch. And one tiny little bed. (Now with chapter 2, because no bed sharing fic is truly complete until they’re home.) Word Count: 2.5k

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Title: Inspired By You Collaborator: MagicaDraconia16 Link: AO3 Square Filled: Y5 - Invisibility Ship: Teen Rating: Bucky & Tony Major Tags: AU artist/muse, smutty inspiration Summary: It was very hard work being a muse. Especially when the person being inspired absolutely refuses to be around the source of that inspiration. Word Count: 1004

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Title: A Quiet Moment Collaborator: Caiti (Caitriona_3) Link: AO3 Square Filled: B3 - Hair braiding Ship: Bucky/Clint/Darcy Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Polyamory Summary: Natasha and Bucky spend a quiet moment together. Word Count: 1561

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Title: Funerals Are Expensive. Get Well Soon. Collaborator: Ribbonsflying Link: AO3 Square Filled: C5 - Sharing Body Heat Ship: Stucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: funeral home, morticians Summary: “Is this the part where we turn from morticians into ghost hunters?” Sam asked as they flipped out the basement lights and locked the door back behind them. ”I sure hope not.” The men began their hustle back up toward the state rooms out front when they passed the cooler and heard the noise again. Steve and Sam both stopped in their tracks. “Is that-“ Steve turned on his heel and pointed toward the refrigerated room where people’s bodies were stored.“You know I ain’t ever been scared of dead people,” Sam answered, “...but if someone in that fridge is knocking, all you’re gonna see of my brown ass is a pinprick on the horizon as I get the hell away from here as fast as I can move.” === Did you know there's a woman who has a medical condition that has caused her to go to wake up in a morgue on three separate occasions? This is a story where Bucky has that same condition. Word Count: 7382

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Title: Beetles Collaborator: Justamanlymouse Link: AO3 Square Filled: U5 - Bucky/Steve Ship: Stucky, WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Howlie memories, Light angst, tw bugs Summary: Steve hears Morgan singing a lullaby that James used to sing to him and remembers the last time he heard it.“You know the wormy song? James sings it to me before bed.” He’s going to fucking vomit. “Oh yeah?” he manages. “Yeah.” she says, molding dirt very seriously with a little spade, “Said he used to sing it to you and it helped you go to sleep. You remember that?” Word Count: 721

[reticexce]

 yoooooOOOOOOO you all have no idea how grateful i am to reach this milestone. this blog was a reboot of alison, and i was really worried that i wouldn’t be able to play her like before since i was basically starting from scratch again, but i’m really glad to see that she ( and the boys!! ) have been accepted and loved, and i’m so happy i’ve gotten the chance to create meaningful relationships both ic and ooc! 

i’ve never actually done a bias list before despite how many years i’ve been rping on tumblr, but i think it’s about time i make one since i think this blog is one of my best experiences in terms of shipping, friendships, and threading and i really should just make a shoutout to some very special people and say thank you to everyone for sticking with this blog and helping me flesh out my muses!

( MY PINGU CHILDREN )

mostly an inside joke formed in a skype chat ( tbt nerdie wormies lmaoo ) , but there’s a reason why they’re my pingu children and i’m pingu mum!

@kingofevcrything: hoooly shit can you believe we’ve known each other for like four years? practically four years?? since my first year having alison, emile and cedric?? and i’m pretty sure you had a part in me adding nate to the blog too, seeing as how his only ship is your muse lmao. i really can’t say enough about you because i think you’re just so special to me, and i hold you so near and dear to my heart. i can’t express how thrilled and grateful i am to have you still be my friend after all these years. i’ve had rp partners leave and it’s always heartbreaking especially when memorable relationships have been formed. but our friendship has passed the test of time, and i hope, hope, hope with all my might that we’ll stay friends for many more years to come, even if one of us decides to stop rping. i really can’t express how important our friendship is to me, like you really have no idea. my soul weeps for our muses and our threads. i just love you lots and i always wish for good things to happen to you, and i am so glad to be your mum. i am so thankful for our friendship, and i still really can’t believe we have so many fucking aus like holy shit wtf <33

@halsionic: my bby pingu child <3 we also have a shit ton of aus lmao and i also treasure those even if we’ve only touched on them in chat and never in thread. i also can’t express how thankful i am to have met you. pure chance had us meet, and i’m just so happy that you reached out to me. i can’t imagine us still being strangers on the dash, our muses so foreign to each other. like, alien literally coNSUMES both of us now, and it’s just so taboo to imagine otherwise. i love you to bits, especially since you’ve always been so supportive to me no matter what i’m going through. i can always count on you to help me through hard times, even if it’s just a short conversation about what’s bothering me. but i appreciate everything you’ve done for me as a listening ear. and not to mention those shitposts you send to me every day too---our friendship wouldn’t be complete without good ole shitposting and sIN. smooches from pingu mum to pingu child!! i look forward to screaming about our feelings to each other in the future!

( MY SOARING EAGLES )

those whom i also consider dear friends on this site ooc ( but we don’t have a pingu family thing going on haha )

@gloryundimmed: aaaaAAAAAA G R A Y oh my god you’re gonna laugh at me but i was really scared of interacting with you at first. like, i was so happy you liked my starter call?? because that made it super easy for us to interact?? i was really worried that we’d end up being those blogs that follow each other but never interact buT NO WAY WE TOTALLY INTERACT NOW!! and i have so much fun rping with you holy shit i really do. i get real excited whenever you reply or answer my asks ( no matter how long it’s been; you can always take your time! ) because i just adore kai and alison like---i didn’t think their ship would be so wholesome but it totally is. and i love it. i also never thought we’d be such good friends, especially since we haven’t known each other for very long, but i’m super, duper, happy that we are. like our conversations are always so interesting and non stressful, and i’m just really happy that i’ve gotten the opportunity to befriend you and thread with you! also, i think your editing and themes are hella rad. also!! i’m really looking forward to more aus with you in the future if you’re up for it, and also ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if you’re up for it too with kai and ali ( yes i totally used this as an excuse to put in a lenny face but i also meant what i said lmaoo broADEN MY WRITING HORIZONS ). anyway!! i’m glad to have you as a friend, i love your writing, and i would totally be down for interactions with your others muses too because i think they’re also great! 

@wintercursed​: i absolutely adore alison and hiro’s dynamic, and i guess in a way you could say it’s sort of our dynamic too. not exactly, not perfectly, but i suppose a little piece of ourselves could be seen in our muses. ahh, i wish i could shower you in all the memes and threads you’ve ever wanted, but alas, i’m too distracted and my muses are too fickle for such a thing. but i really do love talking about our muses together and just having fun like that; the brotp between alison and hiro is one of my favorites tbh. i also!! am really flattered you see me as a friend. i’m so glad i get to call you one of mine! i get so happy whenever things go well for you, and i hope things will keep going well for you!! we may have lost touch in the last few months ( year? has it been a year? i hope not ), but i still admire you and your muse as much as i did before. fun fact: i actually followed you even before this blog! but that was before i really got a chance to interact and talk with you haha. anywho, i hope the best for you, and let’s stay in touch! <3

@travaileur / @dulcetxdreams: ro!!! ro, ro, ro, ro!!!! man i can’t even put my finger down on how we met. i guess it started on aito’s blog with the chatzys and then it moved to here when ali and eden were struggling to figure out their feelings? and you were one of their fans haha. that was a very eventful time. and now, look at where our bbies are now! claire and alison have developed their own friendship, and it is literally goals. alison is just so good to claire, and i cry it’s just so cute. our interactions have been limited with both of us being busy bees, and that’s okay! i look forward to seeing ali and claire together no matter what, and i’d love to keep talking about them more whenever you’re free! also, i always appreciate those cat pictures your send me or those bird photos you tag me in. bless, bless, those always make my day. anywho, you’re a sweetie pie and i lov u lots and i’m so happy i got the chance to meet you and have my muse have such a cute friendship with your muse. i can’t wait to see how that will develop!

@textsfromeponinet / @evangrantconrad / @whocaresaboutlonelysouls: i’m fairly certain you followed me from blog to blog! from my old alison blog to this one, i’m so glad that you decided to stick around even through the big switch. i’ve had lots of fun playing all of my muses with you, from your eponine blog and beyond! you helped me flesh out cedric in a way too, giving rise to his pretentious character now thanks to our beauty and the beast au haha. i really have to thank you for that! and now, with emile, we have such a sweet ship, and i’m looking forward to all of the cuteness that awaits! you’re such a good friend to me too, even though i stink at replying to ims, so i’m really thankful you haven’t been deterred from chatting with me. you’ve also given me such nice advice over the years, and i’m very, very thankful for your college advice <3 i hope we can remain friends and have more threads!

@ivorybled / @hyoukan: i think about how we met sometimes and like---it’s such a unique way of meeting?? like our muses both lil shits and therefore would attract each other because they would love doing shitty things together, and that blossomed into one of my favorite brotps. lanzo and aito will always be my shit because they’re just hilarious to me, and add in eden and it’s even more of a mess. but this isn’t a bias list for aito’s blog so i’ll save that fangirling for another time, but !!! i love?? your writing?? so much??? it’s a very unique style and oh my god it’s like fking poetry and i can just indulge in your writing like it’s just so good. and speaking of what’s good, you’re good!!! we haven’t talked much recently, but i’m so flattered to be one of your fave boofs bc you’re one of mine too!!! technically you’re a bird now but that’s even better because you love birds!! i always have such a fun time talking with you on ims even if it’s just a short chat, whether it’s lanzo/aito, lanzo/alison, or eru/alison because the ideas are literally limitless with you. and it’s such a blast to yell at each other about our muses and their relationship; i can feel your passion and that’s just really great okay. i hope we can keep yelling at each other and keep in touch even if we’re both busy bees, and i’m really glad we became friends <3

( MY PRETTY CANARIES )

those whom i’ve interacted with a few times ( whether recently or a long, long time ago ) and would love to stay in touch, get back in touch, get to know better! these people are also those who i see on the dash every day and sort of consider them my friends because of how long you’ve stuck with me, even i we haven’t said much to each other! but i see you liking and reblogging my stuff! hello to you too! 

@cfdualities / @mostpeculiarmademoiselleetmsieur / @chichini / @silent-severity / @shiracpt / @lvmier / @vernxte / @noxuous / @gumihosverdict / @langvor / @tommy-is-the-rudest-bitch / @fornaxa / @manipulationandmemes / @princely-etiquette / @smolhoney / @shite-prosecutor / @amxrtentiia / @overoutrage / @forgottenelysium / @auccntraire / @smolbabysittingangel / @pushingthewinter / @omnecosmos / @neverforgiiven / @psuedogaiety / @likecottxncandy / @lachalaine / @nanpoghan / @bastardiised / @oshunokaminari / @dont-wake-sana / @enthrxlling / @faillte / @haperx / @we-all-burn / @togovernwithdecorum / @chvssbelle / @ffortunato / @minugahanax​ / @risiox / @solepaura

( MY SWEET PARAKEETS )

those whom i haven’t gotten a chance to really interact with yet ( due to busy schedules, lack of a good opportunity, being a new follower, or just me being too shy ) but admire greatly and would love a chance to write with! we may have had a handful of short interactions before, or maybe none at all, but in either case, i’d love to have more!

@stckhlmr / @godstarved / @condicionibus / @hippestbarista / @mulni / @weismanniisms / @contrasting-blood-brothers / @phlegmxtical / @charmingrebel / @cantiio / @fierydog / @perhiemate / @bathed-in-red / @parcelhoarder / @poppicede / @wondcrkid / @bloodyrogues / @cruthaich / @nightmcnsters / @bokctto / @destinsia / @elfen-archer / @pvrehearted / @corvialitis / @sakashiima / @starvd / @itaidoshin / @praeliix / @rosideae / @xnquisitor / @mahounx / @clemenstine / @siderion / @tenxcious / @drugrattes / @prideful-outcasts / @withoutviolence / @preciousyellowidiot / @atelouus / @flowersvein / @merakiis / @bcbybats / @ignirae / @popokki / @lingering-mind / @bitchidivine / @cxriseanglo / @torschlusspcnik / @chirisaku / @eraseourscars / @tillsoil / @bittersilvertruth / @hellhcunded / @hasetsui​

keep in mind none of the names are in any particular order! and ahh and i know i must have forgotten some people because there were just so many blogs to look through, but even if you aren’t on this list, you’re a great writer, very special, and have lots of potential! and i love you and think you’re great! and to those who are on this list, i know i must have sounded really roundabout and probably said the same things over and over again, but really, you guys make coming onto tumblr really fun, and you all are really special people to me. i really appreciate you all for sticking with me after all this time ( and even following me from blog to blog! ) and i just can’t say how much i appreciate your support <333 

also i sort of did have trouble determining if some people were canaries or parakeets but whichever one you are, feel free to hmu for interactions but i love new partners and new ideas and just meeting new people so please reach out if you’d like to! (〃＾▽＾〃)

ps do u guys like the little birbs i added to my promo bc i really do. 

[ratthewrodent]

This fuck up has been set up perfectly for disaster over the past few months and is continuing to destroy my life. This is a long one, but every detail counts in portraying one of the worst weeks of my life.Let me preface this by saying I love my cat more than anything, and while he is currently not sleeping anywhere near me, he's still getting a lot of cautious love. I can't imagine being self-isolated alone without him right now. Truly, I love him too much - too much love got us here today.In January, I adopted an 11 yo, 19 lbs chonker. I fell in love instantly. His last family returned him after 6 months with a bad case of fleas. He had been defleaed but came home with a slew of other health issues. By end of January after a lot of vet visits, he seemed to be on the mend. I knew what I was signing up for when I adopted a senior cat, but just didn't realize the endless possibilities. Truly, I tell him every night before bed he's my ride or die, and that's about to be tested with this saga of the greatest love story ever told.Early February, he starts coughing and stops pooping in his litterbox, despite me cleaning it daily. He's still peeing in there, but seems cautious and runs out immediately. Even when he started pooping on the floor (thank God for wood floors), he'd run under my bed from it. That was the only time he'd go under my bed, otherwise he was cuddled up on or next to me. His medical chart from when I adopted him said he had issues with litterbox pooping- they suspected he was afraid of his last family's other cat and it was behavioral, but something didn't add up. He was fine with pooping in the litterbox for the first month after his kitty enema. I cleaned up his poop every other day and saw nothing out of the ordinary. He was starting to lose weight, which was good because as cute of a chonker as he is, it's NOT healthy, folks. I stopped free feeding him, started feeding him scheduled wet food meals, and we had daily playtime to get him to a healthy weight.I bring him into the vet in February for the 6th time in a month and a half. He had half of his teeth removed before I adopted him. This resulted in an incision infection and an enema due to opiod constipation. This visit was for his cough. I even ask if he could have worms. The vet tells me, "I know you're trying to be a good pet owner, but he likely has allergies and it's a behavioral issue. This might be something he has to live with. Come see me if his mucus turns brown". I had been right about every single Dr. Google diagnosis up until this point, but whatever. I buy an air purifier, vacuum and clean regularly, change the bedding weekly- I already have an obsessive cleaning schedule, and COVID/quarantine has only allowed that the time to thrive. Ask any of my previous roommates and I am the cleanest person you'll ever live with. Despite the cleaning, some coughing days were better than others.All of a sudden end of last week, he starts coughing a lot less, and I start feeling like absolute shit. My best friend even makes a joke that I caught whatever my cat had. Sick, sick foreshadowing.When I read the article about the tiger in the Bronx catching COVID19, I was convinced we both had it. My chest was tight, frequent bathroom runs, just pure exhaustion, losing weight rapidly despite being quarantined for a month in a tiny studio- malnourished to the point my hair is falling out. I'm a mess. I guess it's a good thing I got laid off 2 weeks ago, because the bathroom and I are very close friends these days.I wake up Monday morning to the pungent smell of my cat's usual poop surprise on the wood floor. He's such a kind cat to poop where it's easy cleanup. That's when I see them - worms crawling around EVERYWHERE. I'm gagging, take a little sample for the vet, and flush the rest. I Dr. Google the shit out of it and it is for SURE tapeworms. Then I read about the eggs. Let me remind you I change my sheets and wash my duvet cover weekly. I make my bed the second I get out of it and even vacuume my duvet cover. I RUN to inspect my bed- there are eggs EVERYWHERE. Little rice demons of hell that have been dropping from my poor cat's bum for 3 months. I'm dry heaving at this point. I live in an old studio apartment and my bed is against a brick wall, so I get little grout crumble patches that I have to vacuume up pretty regularly. I remember feeling little patches of what I assumed one night was grout in my sheets, but fell asleep wine drunk and ignored it. When I tell you they were everywhere, I mean they were everywhere. My pillow, under my pillow- my cat and I fall asleep cuddling every night. Again, I love this cat too damn much.I call the vet and it is undoubtedly tapeworm. We suspect he's had it since I adopted him. His prescription gets to me within a few hours. I also get flea medication and spray. I check him for flea dirt regularly and hadn't seen anything, but better to be cautious. I bag all of my bedding, throw out half of what I own, vacuum every inch of this place for an hour, I'm on the fucking floor with my flashlight and find a dead tapeworm under my couch, Swiffer, disinfect my couch, flip my mattress- like total mental breakdown. I give him his medication and his cough stops instantly. He hasn't coughed once since Monday.This has been one of my childhood phobias since I read that urban legend about the guy who starved himself then put a burger patty on his tongue and lured the tapeworm out until he could grab it from his mouth. I'm thinking about this story after giving my cat his meds when holy moly diarrhea. I look in the toilet bowl to 3 long strings floating on the sides that normally I would have flushed to sewage heaven without second thought, but they are undoubtedly tapeworms. My grown ass calls my mom and sobs while still sitting on the toilet in all of my wormy glory. I call and embarrassingly show the doctor, doctor undoubtedly tells me I too have tapeworm and writes me a prescription. He asks me if I want just tapeworm or a full deworming? I'm like wtf does that mean? He's like, "You'd be surprised how many parasites are living in you regularly. Just wait and see what you're about to poop out". I honestly just want to die at this point.My cat and I are prescribed the same medication, obviously just different doses and different pricetags. His was $13 for two doses. Mine? $130 for one dose, 2 pills. That's WITH my last month of insurance from my previous employer. I immediately receive a text that my prescription is on back order because of COVID. I'm trying to fall asleep that night on my couch without any blankets, when would you fucking guess it- my heat stops working. So now I'm just shivering on a small ass couch knowing there's worms crawling around inside of me and eggs everywhere. I don't sleep.I call the pharmacy when they open in tears asking when my meds are going to get there. Lucky me, they had just arrived. He asks me, "Did you know your prescription is $130?" I'm like, "Uh no I've never had tapeworm, but I guess the price is irrelevant". We both nervously laugh. I also haven't had an in-person human interaction in a month because I've been self isolating alone and laid off due to COVID, so this is trying on soooo many levels.I order delivery for a big ass meal from my favorite restaurant because 1. I have no appetite because the thought of feeding the worms makes me want to die and I was hoping ordering from my favorite restaurant would entice me to eat. 2. Medication has to be taken with food. 3. I realize this is the last day the calories don't matter. Might as well enjoy it.I pick up my prescription, light a candle, call my best friend, we have a little virtual funeral for my worms and try to make light of the situation. I play the song I want played at my funeral (Hamburg Song by Keane, it's beautiful). But it just keeps getting worse, y'all. My best friend hesitantly tells me he was telling his physical therapist about my worm saga. She recommended buying clove oil and rubbing it on my pink starfish. I'm like why? Apparently worms like to bite your butt on the way out, and clove oil prevents that. I hate everything at this moment. It's like the different levels of hell.I take the pills and am reading the prescription pamphlet. It notes that you'll experience random aches and pains while the worms are dying. Let me tell you- I felt every fucking worm dying as I lay blanketless on my couch in the fetal position. All of a sudden, I'm thinking about the worms and I can't breathe. My throat is kind of itchy, and I'm thinking there are worms dying in my tonsils at this point or I got COVID at the pharmacy. I'm laying there in the fetal position, telling myself it's just a panic attack. My cat decides to go pee at 2am, jumps out startled trailing pee all over the apartment. I know the medication says limit your alcoholic beverages, but I say fuck it and make a drink. I clean the pee and finally fall asleep for about 3 hours.I wake up bright and early to the smell of cat poop. Still half asleep, I searched his normal spots and couldn't find any poops. He left it in the tub for me- a new spot- thanks, cat. Easy cleanup and no worms- I take it as a win. I flush it down the toilet, bleach the tub, and obsessively wash my hands.Let me tell you- my hands are bleeding from the amount of times I wash them between COVID and wormageddon. I look at myself in the mirror while scrubbing my raw hands and holy shit. My face is is swollen to the point I'm still surprised I can see out of my eyes. My tongue is flopping all over the place. I am having a severe allergic reaction to the tapeworm medication. That panic attack while falling asleep was actually an allergic reaction.I immediately video chat my doctor, he tells me to go get Benadryl immediately and writes me a steroid prescription. I get a call from their finance department on the brief walk to the pharmacy: $140 for that 5 minute virtual visit. I try to dispute the charge- she can't do anything. I just flat out ask her: "Can I just tell you about my shitty life then for $140?". We talk for 5 minutes about how much my life sucks and she agrees. She was very nice about it, but still $140. She basically tells me that if I had waited a month to get tapeworm and almost die from the medication, the virtual visit would have been cheaper without insurance. Fucking love it and American healthcare.I cut my losses go back to the same pharmacy from the day before and they ask me what's wrong. I lift up my glasses and they were like "Ooooof- did you know you were allergic to this medication?". At this point, I'm like "WHY DO ANY OF YOU THINK I'VE HAD TAPEWORMS BEFORE?" Truly, complete mental breakdown. I buy my medication, a box of wine, and $20 worth of candy to ease the pain.So folks, here I am. Unemployed and alone during a pandemic, clenching my butt like never before, still haven't pooped because I'm terrified of worm kisses on the way out, face still swollen shut, but I'm breathing fine. My cat is a new cat, so for that? I am grateful. I am 100% sure I will have PTSD from this experience. It is going to be a long, long, time before my cat and I snuggle regularly again, but I know we'll get there and I still love him. Adopt senior pets regardless of this story, because 10/10- would still get worms again for him.Wormageddon 2020 will not soon be forgotten.TL;DR My recently adopted cat gave us both tapeworm, I almost died from the meds, and this is my hell.Edit: I'll come back and give more meaningful update, but I'm reading all of these comments over the phone, basking in the worst kind of Reddit fame with my best friend, and his smart ass says, "Your tapeworm is going to come out of your butt and ask DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"But really, y'all are too kind. via /r/tifu

[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight