#i WANT to be loud about my aromanticism but i can't keep doing this

[anistarrose]

I love being aromantic. Hate having my posts about it blow up on Tumblr though.

[gregorygerwitz]

We know you think Mouse is Ace and honestly I love that. But I gotta know do you think Mouse ever came out to Jay or do you think he kept it underwraps

Hi, nonny!

A very quick correction: I do not headcanon Mouse as asexual but as aromantic. Specifically, demiromantic, but that still falls under the aro umbrella, not the ace umbrella. Slightly different spectrum.

That being said, I haven't put a lot of thought into how he'd explain it to Jay or if he'd ever have the words to be able to do that at all. At least for me, the exact label for my romantic orientation was the last thing I realized and had the words for. I knew I was bisexual (and presumed biromantic as well) and non-binary before I really considered a label like aromantic, even though I had heard it tossed around and even presented to me as an option before I knew I was bi.

I think, especially because Mouse would just brush it off as having commitment issues or being scared to form attachments, he wouldn't even know that something like aromanticism is even on the table, or that there are options with it, until later in life. I want to say not until after he reenlists in s4.

...and then I accidentally wrote a mini fic so the rest is under the cut.

At some point, he looks back and realizes he never had any real serious relationships, and that he never really wanted one, either. And it wasn't necessarily out of fear, it just wasn't something he ever wanted. He grew up with the idea of a perfect family being pushed on him by his mother - he'd get married one day and have a wife and kids to pass the Gerwitz name and legacy onto, and that would be in - but he never wanted that. And he assumed he just didn't want a wife, didn't want the heteronormative vision of the future had been part of the plan for so long, and that explained that feeling he had about it for almost two decades.

And then maybe he tries dating once he's discharged again, or even a while after that - Jay got married (again) and he's having this crisis of "oh my god, this is where I need to be in life and I'm Not There Yet while Jay is leaps and bounds ahead" and he knows that's fine. Life isn't a race he has to compete in, but he doesn't want to feel like he's so far behind all the time, either. So he should at least try to make some forward progress, right? So he goes on a few dates with guys wherever he ends up, does the whole dinner and a movie routine, even tries something stupid and silly like a bowling date or just drinks at a local bar. But the idea of going through the motions like that over and over again with one person, to get married and promise to keep doing that for the rest of their lives, that's scary.

It's not that Mouse isn't having a good time. He is! He likes the dates just fine, but there's no spark anywhere. None of these men are someone he can see a forever with. He can't even see a second date with most of them, so how is he supposed to figure his life out enough to have a wedding one day? The only person who's ever made him feel the way he thinks love is supposed to feel is Jay, but he tried to ignore it to keep their friendship safe and now Jay is married to Hailey and there's no way to acknowledge his feelings out loud without looking like a horrible person and friend in that entire situation.

And he's heard all the clichés, from his mother and from Jay and from whatever therapist he decides to see (if he decides to see anyone) when he gets back to the States -

You just haven't found the right one yet. You'll change your mind.

You don't have to rush.

Take time for you. The right person will come along when you least expect it.

You'll find someone. One day.

And he's scared. Because what if there is no right one out there for him? What if he missed the right one while shopping around for someone that make him feel sparks? What if he spends his entire life searching for a feeling that he made up? What if his right one was one of his hook ups in Chicago, or someone he never considered because he didn't want to pretend to commit and then let someone down?

And he's so scared that he's missed his one, this single opportunity to feel whole and complete and not like some broken thing that even his parents could just toss away like trash. And then he's at some queer bar or something, out with friends, just hanging out because he has the freedom and confidence to do that without expecting a certain outcome for his night. And someone tosses the word aro out like it's nothing, like it's such a casual part of the rest of the conversation that it shouldn't even make anyone blink.

But it makes Mouse blink.

Because that was never an option. His life was planned out for him, that wife and kids and big wedding that he didn't want, and then the changes he made to that plan weren't even that drastic. Wife changed to husband, and the kids disappeared, and then the idea of a big celebration, but he knew he was open to having someone in his life like that, like a forever.

And it takes some research, because he's old enough and he's been in queer spaces since college, he should know what aromantic means without having to ask his friends. But he doesn't, and he blames the sheltered life he lived before enlisting the first time, and it turns into this deep dive. Because aromanticism is a jumping off point, a reassurance that there are so many people in the world that have the same thoughts and feelings he does - maybe the spark and fireworks and butterflies that he's been taught to expect when romantic feelings are present don't happen for everyone. Maybe he'll never feel them, or maybe what he feels for Jay is that and he just won't feel it again. But it's the start of something really good, the start of this new self-discovery arc that he should have been able to go through years ago but never got the chance.

It means there's a label out there, somewhere, that fits his experiences, just as much as he feels like "gay" fits him. And it's not a missing piece, necessarily, because it's always been there, a part of him, but now he can start looking for a way to name it. It's the first time he really understands that sexual attraction and romantic attraction aren't the same, and they don't always go hand-in-hand.

It means he's not broken.

And if he ever tries to explain it all to Jay, it wouldn't be until much later, when he does more of a deep dive and finds the right label that feels right for him. It starts with aromantic, then maybe gray aro, then something else, then maybe three more something elses, and then he figures out that demiromantic is the one that resonates with him the most. It could take a while for him to get that far - weeks, months, years - and then to explain that journey and what it all means to someone else? That's a lot.

But I don't necessarily think he would hide it from Jay, if that makes sense? He doesn't come out and make a big statement about it, doesn't post on Facebook, doesn't make a 3am phone call to talk through the crisis as it's happening or the celebrate that it's over. And he's not at all different from the Mouse that Jay has always known. He's still living his life, happy to just hook up instead of dating or trying to settle down, and that's just normal for him, to anyone looking in from the outside.

There's maybe a moment, the first time he has to say it to Jay because they're still best friends and they're gonna tease each other about little things. Especially if Jay and Hailey have been married for a while, coming up on an anniversary or something, and it's just this light little "when are you going to finally get married?" and the answer could be just as silly and joking, but it's the right opening for the conversation. And Mouse gets to share that part of himself with his best friend on his own terms, and explain as much or as little of it as he wants.

And maybe that means a whole hour long discussion that gets into dictionary definitions, and the differences between all the different labels he tried out, or maybe it just means brushing off all the technical aspects of it with something like "it just means I might never get married" and then some teasing comment about how he didn't get to be Jay's best man so Jay doesn't get to be his. But it's silly and light and the exact opposite of how Jay found out he's gay, and it's this perfect moment that is proof enough to Mouse for how much he's grown and how far he's come from being a scared kid who didn't know anything about himself or what he wanted out of life except the barest bones of "not that."