#i Really wanna know what isa has to say to me (gay heart praying for a confession-)

[zincbot]

HM. MIRABELLE?

[doureallywannakno]

Bes masakit pa rin.

Yung akala mong okay ka na talaga hindi pa pala. Masakit padin. Masakit na sa tuwing iniisip ko napalitan na ako. Nagamit lang. Tinatawagan lang pagpakiramdam niya mag isa siya. Bes masakit pa rin. Pero sa huli wala namang akong ibang masisi kundi ang sarili ko. Ginusto ko to.

Paano ba nagsimula ito? Ang gulong pinasok ko lol It was our friend´s birthday and he got really drunk so drunk he confronted us about knowing that he’s gay. Then he started sharing about his experiences throughout his process of coming out to his family. And right at that moment I felt I had to be there for him. The moment I saw his tears I felt that whatever happens I’m going to be there for this guy. At doon na nagkaloko-loko ang lahat. Nagsimula sa group hangouts until eventually kami nalang palagi ang magkasama. Looking back at it I used to hate hanging out with “single” person. I’d rather hangout in groups. But with him its just different; we had a connection right away. I’m so comfortable with him that at that time I enjoy every single minute I spent with him. I still remember it was summer of 2015 when we got really close. The time where I can say I’m slowly knowing him. His personality in general. Alam ko kung kailan okay at kung kailan siya hindi. Basang basa ko na siya. (I would like to think that way) That summer where all this falling-in-love-with-your-bestfriend bullshit has began. Panong di ako mahuhulog. He was the ideal guy I was looking for but the only difference is he’s gay. He’s a gentleman. A really sweet person. Someone you can lean and depend on. Yung tipong pagkasama mo siya di mo kailangan mag aalala kasi di ka niya pababayaan. Lol. Pero ha, aminin ko hindi ko pa narealize na I’ve fallen for him til later on. It was around January 2016 where it finally hit me. Well wait. Let’s do a backstory since I’m reminiscing now any way.

So yeah. Naalala ko bigla nung mga August yon, He messaged me out of the blue to tell me that in the next few weeks or months things will be different. Different because he’s going to start school and not only that he also works full time. So basically with that text he sent me that night was to tell me that he’s going to lose time for me. Well mainly because he works from 11 pm to 7 am has a school from 8 am (SAIT) or 11 ata yon then he’s going to be busy for school and of course he needs to sleep. And his days off will be spent with his boyfriend. Nung time na yon, naintindihan ko talaga. Pero di ko maiwasang malungkot. Nasa bubblemania kami non, at nung nakuha ko yung text na yon gusto ko nalang siyang puntahan sa work niya. I WAS SAD. I don’t even drive but I wanted to go see him that night but my friend has to stopped me LOL I still remember Allie saying “oa ka di ka naman girlfriend” HAHAHAHA. But yeah things happened. We drifted. for a few months. Then I realized I did something wrong. So I wanted to fix the situation. I wanted him back as my friend. I did all sort of efforts. And eventually he took me back. Everything went back to normal but I awakening moment where all i can say is shet-mahal-ko-na-tong-baklang-to. Lol. Funny how I say he’s gay but all this time I’ve never looked at him that way. In my eyes, he’s the one. he’s my soulmate. #gross 

Then I asked him for space, cos I realized how stupid my situation was. But stupid me, I told him I’m okay I’ve moved on after two weeks. HAHA. Okay I just missed him so much that time. It was hard. Then same cycle happened once again. It got even more deeper (my feelings). Okay, in my defense I tried to avoid him but what can I do? I was a weak woman back then. And hello I’m in love with him do you know how hard it was to say no to him?

April 2016, the month I felt lost the most. I’m about to graduate. I’m in love with my gay best friend. My dad is planning to move back to the Phillippines. I felt alone. So I’ve decided to book a flight to Montreal for next month. Ohh man. Those few days in Montreal was the best. I forgot what I’ve been going through and it felt like I can do anything. And of course I forgot my feelings during that trip. Not until the last 3 days of that trip he messaged me saying “lovesss uwi ka na miss na kita.” And as soon as I read his message all the feelings I thought I’ve forgotten suddenly came back. Shit. You can probably tell how he was my weakness. 

After that trip I have to go back to reality, a lot happened on that summer of 2016. Well my favourite one was when he went to my graduation. I appreciate him for coming and spending the whole day with me kahit wala pa siyang tulog. And then it was around late July or early August when we drifted again. We went to Alfonso that day, we were just in his car when my dad called to video chat me. My dad said awful words about my relationship with him. He heard it. Even though I was just sitting at the back seat I felt that he wasn’t okay. Even more so when he didn’t wanna suddenly hangout anymore or drop Andrea and I home. I felt like he wanted to be alone that time. Imbes na ipilit ko pa na samahan siya, I gave him the space he needed. I wanted to talk. I tried. But he didn’t want to. I still remember crying over at Moxie’s while eating a white chocolate brownie and telling Andrea “wala na he’s gone. he’s going to stay away”. Andrea told me she didn’t think so but I know him so well I was right. 

Weeks later, I’ve been trying to meet up with him. Ilang beses nya din akong nireject. And he gave me that I’m busy excuse. I was hurt. I felt na nagamit lang ako for the whole time. Then one day he agreed to meet with me, after weeks of not seeing each other he wanted to hike together. ITS NOT EVEN AN EASY HIKE. lol but you know what I’ve realized that day, how he’s very dependable. Sabi ko talaga sa sarili ko nainlove ako sakanya for a reason. Yung tipong di nya ako pinapabayaan kahit alam kong takot na din siya that time. Alam mo yun, yung naiinis ka na sa sarili mo kasi ang tanga mo pero eventually you’ll see the reason why it happened so you stopped blaming yourself for being stupid. I always have that moment with him. 

October 2016, 3 weeks, consistently spending time with each other. At those 3 weeks I felt I was girlfriend. He always jokes around that time every hangout we did was a date. And on that last week, I know it was about to end. I didn’t want to. But I knew right when he flies to the Philippines things will be different. And I was right. First time seeing him after a month, he was with his soon-to-be-boyfriend. Grabe. Tibay ko bes. Masakit pero tinibayan ko talaga. Grabe ang sakit non, makita yung mahal mo masaya na sa iba. Yung dating ginagawa nya sayo ginagawa na nya sa iba. ANG SAKIT. 

January 2, 2017, the day I’ve found out and the most heart breaking day of my life. It was his birthday. We met up. Over dinner he jokingly bragged about his new watch and asked me to guess who is it from.... And of course, i jokingly answered.... “Kay ano noh... kayo na noh....” then he nodded and smiled. MY HEART BROKE INTO PIECES. It was even more hard to actually fake a smile and I tried.. i tried to be happy for him that time. But I couldn’t. Good thing I was with my brother that time. I couldn’t imagine myself that time if I was alone. I’ve probably crying so much in public and to be exact we were at Mall of Asia. Imagine how many people were there. 

Alam niyo kung bakit masakit? Sobra? Kasi dinasal ko yon. Sabi ko kay Lord kung hindi po talaga siya para sakin bigyan niyo na siya ng boyfriend para ako na ang lalayo. Nung una sabi ko sana dito sa Calgary para alam mo yon hindi ko kailangan umiwas kasi eventually he’ll do it. Pero wala another LDR, i know what that means i’ll be his one-call-away-friend. But what can I do, I prayed and God answered my prayers. It was tough and definitely heartbreaking but I want to trust God that this time He is sending me to the right path.