#https://archiveofourown.org/works/57313345/chapters/145792270

[primalmagic]

WOOHOO ITS OFFICIALLY FINISHED <3

so proud of this bc i havent finished anything in literally forever and im just so happy that i could get it done. 13000 words !!! i wanted it to be like 15000 but im sure asf not complaining haha. thank you everyone sm for reading and helping me out, ilysm <33

isa, out !

[primalmagic]

hi okay so here is the unedited version of the last chapter of letters written in incognito !! will post the edited version on ao3 / here tomorrow <3. enjoy!

-----

“What am I going to do?” She panics, walking back and forth in her room, “Tyler, what do I do? What if its a misconception or something, what if Barron sits in the seat next to me- or- or behind me? How can we be sure-?”

Tyler glares at the wall, “Every time I hear his name I want to strangle something,” He says, in a monotone voice, “Out of all the people I expected, he sure as hell wasn’t on the list.”

She freezes, “Expected?”

“Taylor, you aren’t subtle.”

“What.”

“I’m not blind! It’s kind of obvious you have a crush on Ben. Literally all of us can see it. Except for him, obviously.”

“I don-”

“You do.”

Goddamn it.

“Wha- why didn’t you say anything before??”

“I didn’t know I had to! I trust him, and I trust you. And then all this started and I could see the way you looked at him and… I don’t want you to be hurt again, Tay. I don’t want your heart to be broken by all of this. And then we find out that it’s most likely the guy we all, uh, dislike. And I don’t know, now it’s not some funny thing anymore? Because I know this is killing you, and I don’t… I don’t like seeing you upset.”

Taylor feels like she’s a little kid again, holding on to her brother and crying for hours.

“Oh.”

He gives her a burnt-out smile, “Yeah.”

A few seconds pass, the silence more anticipating than awkward. Finally, Tyler stands up, “How about I give you some time alone?”

“Okay,” she whispers.

He turns around, the silence almost unbearable to Taylor’s ears- and right as he’s about to leave their room, she speaks again.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

Her voice comes out wobbly, cracking around the edges, “Can I have a hug?”

Tyler turns around, his eyes softening, “Duh.”

Wrapped in her brother’s embrace, she feels small again- in more ways than one. She feels small like a little kid, without the burdens she’d never even known had existed. She feels small like she’s insignificant, as if nothing matters anymore and it’s all just… stupid. She feels small like she’s been hit by a shrink gun, like no matter how much she yells for help, nobody is going to see her.

At least she’d always have Tyler.

“Sorry,” She mumbles, “I don’t want to stress you out or anything.”

He looks at her with a wry smile, “Don’t worry about that- I don’t think you can stress me out anymore than I already am.”

He means it as a joke, but she sees the way his face falls flat when he notices how the words affect her.

“Shit, no, I mean- Taylor, it’s not your fault. Seriously. Stop blaming yourself, alright? You’re doing the best you can, and that’s good enough. Don’t worry about me, kay?”

“You do more,” she murmurs.

“Good thing it’s not a contest then, eh?” He cracks a smile, “Goodnight, Taylor.”

She wants to argue, wants to say something, anything- but her body refuses to cooperate. She’s exhausted.

 “I guess. Goodnight Ty.”

– 

The next day in school is awkward. Hell, awkward is an understatement. The next day at school is a living hell. Logan comes up to her before the bell rings, fixing his glasses, “Hey, uh, how you doing?” 

He asks like she just suffered through a bad fever, and not that some annoying-ass kid that they all hated apparently had a crush on her. Which, by default, meant that she was being played.

Because there was no way Barron actually would write her a love letter, right?

It seemed to be the most plausible solution. 

He’d written it to get a rise out of them, watch them run in circles with no answers and then eventually reveal it is a joke.

It did seem like a very Barron thing to do. 

“I’m okay!” She smiles.

He looks taken aback, “Really?”

“Yeah! I mean, at least now I don’t feel bad about not reciprocating, right?” She shrugs, ignoring the sting in her stomach, “Good thing it ended up being a joke anyway.”

Logan sighs, “If you say so. You sure?”

“Mh hm.”

“Okay, then. See you at lunch?”

She waves at him, watching him walk away, “Bye!”

As Logan leaves, Taylor waits there, unsure, alone, for a bit. The bell would ring in five minutes, and Tyler was busy harassing Aiden- so she decidingly stayed away.

You seem happy.

She whirls around, noticing Ben leaning against the lockers, “When did you get here??”

Two seconds ago. Maybe three. Four now.

She snorts, “I got the point, thanks.”

He smiles softly, and it’s quite endearing, really. 

You’re happy it’s not real?

So he heard her conversation with Logan. He’d definitely not been here for only a few seconds.

She shrugs, “I mean, I guess so. It’s not like I was the burden or an issue then, you know? It was just Barron trying to get me mad. Besides, it was a longshot thinking someone would have a crush on me anyway, I didn’t even ever fully believe it.”

He shakes his head, I think someone wou-

“Oh!” She gasps, cutting off the text-to-speech. “Oh shit, I completely forgot. Guess what, I do have an admirer. And even better- he isn’t secret.” She grins, “You know Leon?”

No?

“Well, he’s been in a few classes of mine and he got me flowers yesterday! And he told me I deserved better than all this and I think he asked me out?”

Are you going to say yes?

“Maybe,” she shrugs, suddenly regretting telling Ben. He’s frowning, looking at her with an expression she can’t pinpoint just yet, and she’s pretty sure she doesn’t like it, “He’s kind of cute, I guess. And he’s really nice.”

He probably only confessed because you're popular right now.

She shakes her head, “I don’t really think so.”

Well, are you sure? Some people aren’t what you think they are.

She frowns, “Why are you being so hostile today? Are you okay?” She reaches out to grab his hand, but he jerks away.

I’m fine.

“Alright… hey, want to get ice-cream after school with me and Ashlyn? You never answered the text in the group chat.”

I’m good, thanks.

He looks sullen, and now that she’s really looking, tired. He has light dark circles under his eyes, and he’s basically slumped against the lockers. 

“Dude, did you get enough sleep last night?”

He doesn’t bother answering her in words, just gives her a curt nod and turns away, leaving her to stare after him in confusion. 

He’s mad… but why?

And why does it feel like her fault?

– 

Ashlyn catches her before lunch begins, dragging her into the nearest girls bathroom.

“Spill.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Spill.”

“Ash, what are you talking about?”

“Ben has been moping around all day, Aiden keeps stopping his sentences like he’s afraid he’s going to say something he’s not supposed to, Tyler’s been constantly distracted, and you… I’m not even going to start talking about you. So spill. What happened?”

“I don’t know,” she huffs, “Barron?”

Ashlyn scoffs, “Yeah right. I was there yesterday too. This isn’t asshole induced, trust me. Whatever the hell did you say to Ben to get him to change the topic every time we even say your name?”

Oh.

Well that hurt a little bit.

That was a lie, actually. It stabbed Taylor in the chest like a baseball bat.

And she was very familiar with stabbing and baseball bats, so she would know.

“I told him about the guy that asked me out,” She frowns, “He seemed fine, and then he got all annoyed and just left. I don’t even know why. He just… stopped answering me and walked away.”

Ashlyn looks at her for a solid second before groaning, “Jesus Christ.”

“What?”

“Everyone’s stupid. All of you. Dear god.”

“Ashlyn, come on,” She sighs, the crypidness already killing her.

“No, shut up. Listen to me, okay? You need to talk to Barron.”

“What the hell- no!”

“Yes. I don’t know, think of it as closure?”

“Ash, that’s insane. I can’t talk to him about this! It’s obviously a joke. Why don’t we just forget it ever happened and leave it at that!”

“Tay- I- god,” She tugs on her hair, obviously frustrated, “I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to listen, because I’m not repeating it again.”

“Uh- okay-”

“What if Barron did like you?”

What.

All the blood rushes from her face as she croaks out exactly that, “What.”

“You don’t want that. We don’t want that. So figure out what’s going on. What was his intention? Why would he do that? He’s not our mortal enemy anymore, he doesn’t have a reason to pull something like this.”

This is honestly the most Taylor has ever heard Ash speak directed to her, but she’s definitely not complaining. 

And it makes sense.

Why would he? Unless… god, she doesn’t want to think about that.

Ashlyn continues, “Maybe if you ask him, you’ll… you’ll find out something you didn’t know before. You can’t finish the puzzle without all the missing pieces.”

“Makes sense,” she admits, begrudgingly, “I guess I should talk to him, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes.”

Ash scowls at her, “And, also, I’m all for killing him, but Logan wants me to tell you not too. He said something along the lines of, ‘I’ll do it myself’. So yeah. Now go find him.” 

Logan? Wait a second-

She pauses. Of course they’d planned this together. No wonder Logan was all fidgety this morning

Wait.

“You want me to go now?”

Ashlyn’s already turned around, walking outside. Taylor runs after her, “I can’t- I can’t even find him- maybe later- how about-”

Ashlyn sighs, “Over there.”

Damn it.

– 

Taylor is internally freaking out. She grazes the crowd until she spots just who she’s looking for. “Aiden!”

Aiden turns around at her voice, “Oh, hey, Tay.” He sounds nervous, which is weird, because Aiden’s never cautious about things. And he’s definitely looking wary right now.

She’d have to decode that later.

“I need help.”

Aiden perks up, just a little bit, “You’re not mad at me?”

“What? No, why would I be?”

“About the whole school knowing thing, you never answered my texts and I didn’t see you at all this morning.”

She shakes her head, “I’m so sorry about that. I barely had time to be on my phone and I was talking with Ben until the bell rang. I didn’t realize I seemed mad.”

“Oh” He grins, “Cool.”

She smiles back, “Cool.”

“Sooo… what did you need help with?”

Right.

“Uh, okay, so I’m going to go talk to Barron. And I kind of have no clue how to do it. So, as my self-proclaimed detective, I kind of need your help? Something tells me this case isn’t quite finished yet.”

He shudders, “Righty-O, captain. I’d examine his fingerprints, but I’d need to be near him for that, so no-can-do. What’s the plan?”

“I- I just asked you for one.”

“Right. Okay. Let’s see,” He scrunches his eyebrows, eyes trained on the figure Taylor had been avoiding, “Target acquired. He’s exiting the lunch room. Odd. Possible illegal activity? Or maybe just no friends. If you go now, you can catch him near the hallway. Everyone’s getting lunch right now, so I doubt anyone will be out there. You can do all the interrogation there.”

“Huh,” she laughs, “That might actually work. Thanks.”

He nods, solemnly, “I’m afraid I must part with you here, for the road ahead is too dangerous for me to continue.” He tries to stroke an imaginary beard, and Taylor is kind of surprised he hasn’t broken character yet.

“Uh huh, sure. Thanks again, Aiden- I’m just gonna… go now,” She gives him a thumbs-up, which he returns enthusiastically.

“Safe travels, dear client!”

More like crash and burn an airplane, but whatever.

She was entering pretty dangerous territory anyway. 

– 

“Hey you!” She calls after him, running through the hallways, “Barron- you- stop!”

She catches up to him just in time, panting and gasping for breath, “Dear god, you walk fast.”

“Uh. What the fuck.”

She stands up, still breathing heavily, and points an accusatory finger at his chest. “You! Why did you pretend to have a crush on me?”

Barron looks at her like she’s grown two heads, “Excuse me?”

“You- you, wrote me a letter. Why?”

He blinks, caught off track, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Taylor wants to scream, “Don’t play dumb! You know what I’m talking about! The love letter! The one that I found on my desk? The one only you could have written because nobody sits their third period and the girl in first doesn’t even know my name!”

“Okayyy,” He groans, “We’re going to backtrack here because what. the. hell.”

She waits, glaring at him. “You better have a good excuse, idiot.”

“I don’t need an excuse!” He throws his hands up in exasperation, “I didn’t write you a love letter, and quite respectfully, I find it incredibly disrespectful that you think I would have a crush on you! I have standards, thank you very much.”

Why did Logan tell her not to kill him? She would like to kill him right now.

“What’s your point?” She grumbles, “It just… appeared out of thin air? Somehow?”

“No! I was getting to that,” He huffs, like it’s her fault he’s being so cryptic, “Because what the hell did you mean by nobody sits there third period? You’re little music nerd gets to class to put his stuff in the cubby while I’m packing up. And, well, it’s quite frankly annoying, so please tell him to stop it.”

Music nerd?

“You mean Ben?” she whispers, not even trusting her own voice, “You mean Ben wrote the letter?”

“It’s sure as fuck not me, so, yeah. What, did he not tell you he sat there or something? Of course he’d be all stupid about it and blame me. God, my reputation is ruined.”

Taylor does not resist the urge to say, “You don’t even have one.”

“Yeah, well, now it’s in the negatives! Thanks to you and your little gang of ghostbusters,” He shudders exaggeratingly, “Having a crush on you, though, ugh. I wish music nerd all the best.”

“Thanks,” she says, rolling her eyes and pulling out her middle finger. (She can’t resist it, okay?)

“And no thanks to you,” he scoffs, as he gives her one right back, leaving her alone with information that will soon completely obliterate her brain. 

She needs to find Ben. Right now.

– 

She doesn’t find Ben.

Ben finds her.

She’s walking as fast as possible, practically running to their lunch table, when she knocks into another student.

“I’m so so-” She starts, and then looks up. Ben looks down at her, sheepishly.

Sorry.

“It’s fine, I should have been looking,” she shrugs, looking away.

No, I mean… I’m sorry. For how I acted today. I was having a bad day, and I took it out on you. 

Oh.

“It’s okay,” She exhales, “I appreciate the apology.”

He’d clearly written it out beforehand, waiting to find her, and she feels oddly comforted by that. 

Aiden said you were going to talk to Barron.

She shrugs, “Yeah. He told me something really weird. You wanna know what?”

She notices how he freezes up, and looks at her with wide eyes.

That’s when she knows.

It really was Ben, wasn’t it?

What?

“He said that the person who sat in my seat third period was you. Isn’t that funny?”

Ben looks at her like a deer caught in headlights, frantically fiddling with his phone but not typing anything.

She snorts, “How about we go somewhere more private?”

He looks at her for a millisecond, and then grabs her hand. Heat flies up her hand, and she forces a blush down, because come on, this was not the time for that.

He leads her to a classroom, one that’s already been emptied for the day, considering it’s upturned chairs.

She tries to say something, but shuts up when Ben grabs a whiteboard marker… and starts writing.

Hey Taylor.

Oh.

The handwriting��� that- that must have been what Ashlyn had seen on the letter. How could Taylor have not connected the dots? It had been right in front of her the entire time.

And here. Here was proof.

“It’s really is you,” she whispers, understanding dawning on her face, “You wrote the letter. And- and the second one?”

Ben nods, glancing at the phone shaking in his hands, but not feeling the need to pull it up and say anything more.

“Why play with me?” Her voice cracks, “Why get my hopes up and then make another one?” She repeats, feeling so utterly stupid. For a second, she’d felt hopeful. But maybe… maybe the second letter wasn’t a sign, it was a prank.

Of course it was. Who could ever like Taylor-Fucking-Hernandez.

Ben looks at her, alarmed, and takes a step closer. His hand drifts upon her shoulder, and he squeezes it ever so slightly, like he’s waiting for her to shove him off. 

She doesn’t. 

She doesn’t have the willpower to. Not when he’s so close and looking at her like she’s everything but she knows she’s nothing- but she wants, god she wants, to be everything. 

He brings his phone up, and tries to type on it with one hand. Taylor watches, quietly, waiting, waiting, waiting for something that will simply shatter her heart and leave her here to bleed.

She’s a moth to the flame, but the flame is a burning piece of paper meant to keep her away. 

She’s an empty river, giving, giving, giving- but never taking, even as she’s left open and bare and naked to the world.

She and those phantoms have one thing in common at least. They’re both pathetic.

Stop thinking.

She jerks her head up, trying to look at Ben, but he’s still typing, his hand still on her shoulder. It’s not fair- that he can make her feel so helpless. That he’s kept her in the dark for so long, knowing how much she’s been mulling over it.

I think I want to write you one more letter.

His eyes meet hers, and a traitorous part of her wants absolutely nothing more. But her rational mind warns her that he’ll say it now. He’ll say that it was just for fun, or he fell out of love, or the reason he crumpled the first letter up and never turned it in was because it was never real.

But she gives him a chance anyway, because that traitorous part of her mind still loves Ben- still can’t say no to him.

His hand leaves her shoulder to join his other, which is furiously typing, and her entire being feels colder and emptier than before- like a weight has been lifted, but she needs that weight to ground herself. She craves it, she realizes. She needs to feel his touch, and the comfort and security and safety it brings.

Minutes pass, feeling like hours and days and decades and longer than Taylor has lived. But then he looks up again, and the phone starts speaking, 

I owe you an apology, Tay. I’m sorry I let it go this far. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything and I embarrassed you and I was too much of a coward to say anything. I’m so sorry that I just watched. You didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry. 

“Stop saying you're sorry,” She whispers, “And tell me why you did it. Why did you write them?”

He blinks, surprised.

Isn’t it obvious?

She snorts, “There’s a lot of mixed signals here, Ben.”

I wrote you love letters, Taylor. Obviously I love you. I have since you asked me about my music taste for the first time. I have since Tyler almost died and you let me help you bandage your cuts even when you thought asking for help was a weakness. Tay… I've loved you since I first saw you. Everything I said in every letter was real. I promise.

Ben looks away, like the confession shocks him too, and Taylor notices that his hands are still shaking. He’s scared, she understands. She is too.

“Then why did you lie? You knew I wanted to find out who it was, and you let me think it was Barron. And then I completely embarrassed myself by asking him!” There’s a bite in her words that isn’t normally there, because she’s still getting a little used to her world being turned upside down.

I was scared, I think. I’m not someone people usually want. I thought you wouldn’t like it if it were me. You deserve better. and I was so scared. I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, and I guess I didn’t think my selfishness would be worth it.

She takes the phone from his hands, softly, letting him have the choice to take it from her if he really wanted to. He doesn’t reach for it. 

Instead, he just looks at her, and Taylor feels like her insides have been turned out.

“You’re enough, Ben. For me, for everyone. You’ll always be enough.” She leans closer, and he simply watches. “Can I hug you?”

He nods eagerly, and Taylor giggles, enveloping the taller boy in a hug.

“I get it now… you were jealous of Leon, weren’t you?” She giggles, “And just for your information, I’m not going on a date with him. He’s great, but I think I might have found someone who fits me way better.

Yeah?

“Yeah. And oh, for the record, you’re not being selfish by loving me or writing me stupid letters while letting me think they came from Barron. Just evil,” she laughs.

Ben winces and squeezes her hands softly, and Taylor backtracks.

“Shoot, no, it wasn’t a stupid letter, It was just… I just- anything’s stupid when it comes to him.”

Ben gently pulls out his phone from her grip, and for the few seconds that he’s typing, everything is so silent Taylor’s voice is ringing in her ears.

I get it. Mind if we stop talking about Barron now? He grins, his eyes flickering down to her lips and back up to her eyes again. He lets the phone sink back into his pocket, and focuses his attention on her. It’s two parts unnerving and one part absolute heaven.

“I don’t know, it seems that there’s a lot to talk about,” She smiles back, and waits as they kind of just… stand there for a while, their hands clasped together.

He leans closer, as if asking a question, and she has a sudden urge to ask him one. “Can I… ?”

He nods again, but she doesn’t get to finish through with her request, because he does it first. He surges forward, lightly pressing his lips on hers.

And hey, maybe this is why people call love a drug- because it definitely feels like one. It feels like she’s floating and drowning, and flying and falling, and living and dying, and being. She wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire world.

When they separate, it's quiet, but it doesn't feel like it. A thousand words run through their minds, shared by an invisible link. She sees him, she thinks, and he sees her.

They don’t need words to feel. 

But there are a few that she should say anyway.

“Hey, Ben?”

He makes a humming sound, and unclasps one of his hands from hers, using it to cup her cheek. She leans into it, closing her eyes for a split second because she can… she can finally have this now.

“I love you too.”