#however my brain is constantly like 'why does booze not feel good anymore :( where is she'

[solemntitty]

hiss, boo, no reward system in my brain available anymore

[justalittlemango]

I'm getting mad, I don't know why

16/07/2019 -; it’s been nice to think I haven’t needed to post on here for a while, but at the moment I feel like it’s right to. I’m 22 years old now, so how is life? It’s ok I guess. I’m doing alright for myself, renting an apartment with my boyfriend in a job I don’t really like and in a town I hate.

2019 has been quite a tough year on me. My health anxiety or hypochondria has been pretty much off the charts this year. This is due to unwelcome effects of heart palpitations, which started back in February. I think I used to get very minor/barely noticeable palpitations before, but in Feb it kicked in as the worst I’ve ever had. It was a strong unforgettable feeling, the panic it induced made me think I was going to die.

I went to A&E and they pretty much declared it was anxiety, I had an ECG and was sent home. I went to doctor as they said they could prescribe me some beta blockers, so I took them . They did nothing. I then got put on sertraline (antidepressant) and the side effects were horrible, so I said no thanks to that. In fact, I said no thanks to medication in general. Palpitations still trigger my anxiety but I’d rather that than horrible side effects from antidepressants, which I don’t even feel like I really need.

I then went to A&E again in May after suffering chest tightness, I think I had about 3 ECGs , a blood test and my blood pressure was monitored consistently, the doctor reassured me he was 99% sure it was anxiety. This helped me feel at ease, we were speaking for a while about common interests and this was really the only doctor I could ever truly open up to. He was a great lad and understood my anxiety.

Being in A&E this time on a Saturday night really made me think . Everyone was high on hard drugs, alcohol, trying to fight the doctors / nurses, spitting/puking on the floor and yeah. I felt like I was in that fucking hospital from Outlast.

Ever since then , I get them pretty much daily. I try not to take much notice. I’ve been trying to go to the gym to improve on my physical and mental health, however finding the time to do so is tricky when you’re working long hours. I feel like it has something to do with my posture that induces these palpitations, I can lead forward or to the right to stop it from happening, If I do nothing, it would probably go on for a while.

My next plan is to take magnesium pidolate to help. I have heard good things about this nutrient and its benefits when it comes to palpitations. I really think this could work for me. So that’s how my life has been this year, a lot of health anxiety. What about other issues?

I feel like I am very stressed but I couldn’t say so myself? I tend to brush it off but when I truly think of it, there’s anxiety and stress always when I’m going to and from work. The buses are a big part, as they’re so unreliable and sketchy. Walking through the town centre where I was only robbed last year on the street in pure daylight, still gives me fear walking through on my own.

Working itself is stressful of course, having to always keep a good rapport, making sure your shit is organised , making sure you attend 9+ hours a day and on time. Dealing with asshole clients. Dealing with incompetence, it happens so much. I get home and I stress myself out as I always want to do something creative or socialise with people, but I just have no motivation, I always see it as “I have no time to go out my comfort zone now, I just wanna relax” (socialising is usually out my comfort zone cause social anxiety and all that.) My mind then gets so conflicted and irritated that I want to try something new and creative and make friends, but just can’t find the time to do so. I’m always so exhausted.

Money hasn’t been too much of an issue, so at least I’m blessed on that behalf, but even so I’m still deep in my overdraft that I gotta find a way of paying. A decent £1,500 worth. I paid off my immediate student loan earlier this year and it took much weight off my shoulders.

Dissociation seems to be something I keep thinking of lately, things just don’t seem right. I can’t quite describe it. I don’t even know if it is dissociation? Time is just flying by so fast, I don’t seem to enjoy things as much as I used to , and I don’t really get excited for things anymore. I read online apparently this is just being an adult, but I don’t know. I would love to regain my excitement for life and whatnot.

Being stuck in the past has been a major issue itself in the past couple years , mainly due to loneliness or absence of friends I think. Albeit , it hasn’t been so bad since I’ve been active on various communities online, but without the internet, I have nothing in terms of friends. Most of my friends live in my hometown, which I don’t live in anymore. This triggers me to constantly look back in the past, mainly 2012/13/14 years and enjoy the memories I had, the friends I made, the experiences I embarked on and the fun I had. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever get moments like that again. I guess that’s part of the “dissociation”

Despite all these issues, I’ve never thought about suicide, harming myself or others. I love life, I love people, I try to love myself . I want to truly cherish life but it’s just seem to lost its magic.

Issues that were dominant in my life around 2013-2016 thankfully are no longer around. Including emetophobia which was a big trigger, jealousy/envy was also a bitch to get over. My social anxiety was generally much worse back then too , so at least I don’t see much of those.

Alcohol consumption is another issue, I hate the stuff but at the same time, I fucking love it! If I don’t have booze over the weekend, it will feel like a wasted weekend, yeah it’s that bad. I usually just drink at my apartment with my bf as we don’t have friends local. I feel like it’s damaging my brain, I feel like it’s made me think slow, more forgetful and causes general health issues I wouldn’t expect. Sadly it’s too much to ask for to ask me to come off the stuff. Other drugs? I don’t do drugs. Not my thing really.

I blame my first attempt at uni for most of my desensitization. Shit happened and I was so kind and fragile back then, and it fucked me up. So now, those arseholes are the reasons why I am a not give a fuck kinda person when it comes to meeting ppl now.

SO WHATS GOOD? OR WHAT WILL BE GOOD OR WHAT MAY HELP? WHAT IS KEEPING ME GOING?

Well, I’m leaving my job on 30th August. Yup, I’m packing it in. I am also moving out of this town, I will then be on holiday in Toronto for 1 week, and then starting university down in Cheltenham, where I hope to make friends, have more free time back, not live in a shitty town, focus more on my academic skills, follow my dreams of getting into game design and really trying to climb the ladder. I want to go because I want to prove myself. I want to be able to sleep properly again. I want to feel how I did in college, where my happiness peaked. Work life is so dull and boring, and when you do it for so long, your life flies past you. I hope going to university will slow this down as I will have more free time, which I’ll be doing the things I want to do.

I’m so confident I can do well at uni this time around. I feel it’s exactly what I need. The holiday in Toronto is also exactly what I need . It’s the only thing I’m very excited for. A nice holiday, I haven’t had one in over two years. I’ve mostly been working non stop.

I want to see how this magnesium works out with my palpitations and hopefully if it works, I won’t have to worry and fear them when they happen. I’m crossing my fingers here!

I want to see how university plays out and if I can cut down on my drinking as the year progresses . I don’t think it does too great for your body or your mind.

I want to go to the gym more at uni, to help me stay in a healthy mindset and feel good .

I want to make friends and join communities to help support each other, have fun, make memories and not have to dwell on my past all the time just for comfort.

I don’t want to keep working at the moment. I’m not ready for it. That office makes me feel old. The stress I feel is probably killing me. This town is depressing. My morale is low. I don’t feel safe or confident here. I await my departure in September to hopefully feel much better.

Happy trails ! Kurt :D