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jodilin65 · 5 years ago

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SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2019 HR has been going wonky again. It’s more that it’s been beating hard than fast. I don’t smoke, I’m active, I’m relatively healthy, so hopefully it’s no big deal. But yeah, when it’s quiet and I sit still, I can hear it resonating throughout me. I don’t feel anxious, though sometimes it doing this can make me anxious. It just doesn’t seem normal even though I’ve already mentioned it to my doctors and my tests were good. Still, the constant thump-thump-thump is both annoying and unnerving.

Poor Aly, though. While I’ve been having a fun weekend, she was in the hospital on a slow-drip IV dispensing Ibuprofen. They can’t get her fever under 99 until the fibroids are removed. She’s likely to be hospitalized tomorrow which sucks not just for obvious reasons, but she had just gotten out of medical debt.

Love my pink silicone popcorn popper so much that I decided to get a purple one and slowly build up a little colorful collection. Magenta’s next!

Also got new toothbrush heads for our electric toothbrushes that were surprisingly cheap but seem to get the job done well.

Lastly, we got colorful silicone pot scrubbers, filters for the air cleaner, and 15 different fake toenail designs for Suki/Gia.

Those poor Twenties. They must’ve been woken up when the punk came in early yesterday. Because there’s no better place to spend 6:38 in the morning when you’re in your 20s than with mommy and daddy, right? rolls eyes The way the little shit sometimes comes in this early makes me think even more that he’s sleeping in his car.

After eating the same things for a while, it was nice to get some variety yesterday. First we went to Sam’s Club to get our usual stuff (mostly my fruits and veggies) and I got these chips to try that I’ve never had before. They’re made with sweet potatoes and have chickpeas, peas, rice and black beans and they’re really good. Tom’s had chickpea chips before. He tried one of his Indian coworker’s but found them boring. I guess chickpea chips are popular in India, though.

Then we went to Safeway because I wanted lobster macaroni but they didn’t have it so I settled for lobster cakes. They’re just so-so.

Then we went out a third time to Rite Aid right outside the park where I got my mini bottles of Merlot and Rosé for $3 and a $1 wall sticker that looks cute on the bedroom wall. It’s a transparent tracing of flowers with scattered silvery gems.

So in between my pounding heart which was in the upper 90s when I was relaxed and just over 100 when I was moving around (it’s surprisingly low now at 76), it was a fun day. Sometimes it’s those little things in life that help to break up the monotony of the same old routine I go through during the week.

Because I’m so blind we connected my laptop to the 43” TV, and wow! We don’t need a traditional living room setup anyway because we watch TV on our computers while eating or unwinding. He’s using the 32” one. In the next place, we’ll make it look better by mounting them to the wall. Text is definitely easier to see and TV and pictures are almost too big but it’s wonderful! Love how I can see so much more at once. Before, I could only see my top row of Pinterest boards and only 5 of them. Now I can see 7 per row and I can see 2 rows at once.

Tom has been working on his next app and as I told him, I don’t mean to sound discouraging or negative but I just don’t see us making extra money that way. I think there’s too much competition and it’s like winning the lottery. But he said no, it’s not because he’s not trying to make a million bucks but just a few hundred or so a month to make retirement comfortable. I still don’t see even that but hey, if it’s what he loves to do anyway why not at least try his best and have fun while he’s at it?

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2019 Wow, Ralph’s house is already up for sale. The loud car he hasn’t driven since he first had his stroke is still there, though. It’s been covered with a tarp. Really thought I’d have to listen to three or four months of projects before it went on the market but more than likely it will go to a flipper who will take the honors of annoying me with projects for months before it goes to someone I hope to hell doesn’t have a loud vehicle.

Molly, or at least what I’m pretty sure is Molly, looked in on me on Prosebox. When I suspected she came in, I ran and compared her Twitter times to that and sure enough, she was around during the time I got the hit. I know from Aly that she has an iPhone.

Even though she hasn’t done anything to me for quite a while and she may have changed at least a little, I still don’t like her peeking in on me. I don’t know why it bothers me. It just does. She was only in for 19 seconds, probably looking for her name or Aly’s. She has me bookmarked, too. I don’t know what else her interest in me could be about. She already made her so-called amends, apologized for harassing me in the past, and then we moved on. So then why is she looking in on me? There’s nothing she should be interested in since we’re not friends and were never friends in the past.

I was surprised to see that she and Kim are following each other.

There’s a part of me that thinks it’s silly to continue holding any grudges after all this time and to just let the past go and say, Aw, so what if she reads me? At least be polite if not friendly if she contacts me.

But a bigger part of me is still angry with all the shit she and her mother put me through and just doesn’t want to forgive her even if Kim actually did worse to me in some ways. Molly at least didn’t impersonate people like crazy and create one bogus account after another to harass me. Yet there’s just something about Molly I can’t forgive. I really would prefer not to have anything to do with her and that includes her not looking in on me.

I found a free script that blocks IP addresses only it’s a Java thing and Prosebox doesn’t support that. As a test, I dropped my dream blog link on Twitter after inserting the script. Then again, I know she’s reading my tweets. I’m amazed she hasn’t followed Aly and me over on Curious Cat.

Either way and as I told Aly, I’m probably going to drop my public Twitter accounts because I simply don’t need them. So that will be two more places she can’t follow. I’ve made sure my Facebook account is private and made my main PB account FO. That much I’m okay with doing since I’m just not as into socializing as I used to be. Instead, I’ll share more from my newest bogus PB account, Hula Dancer, where I don’t allow contact and therefore socializing. This one I created with a time-sensitive email that Aly can’t look up. The email is not connected to my name at all. Thankfully, Prosebox doesn’t require confirmation.

If Aly were to stumble upon the account totally by accident, she should know it’s me even if I change names. I really think that’s how she found the other one. I stopped using it for over half a year, no one hit it, and then she did? That couldn’t have been a coincidence. She likely knew about Digital Expressions before it shut down too, and I’m sure she knows about Dreamwidth, so it’s a good thing I’ve become more private because I know I say a lot of things that would offend her. She’s ultra-sensitive so instead of having to watch every single thing I say, I just keep most things private. Besides, I’m supposed to be journaling for me. Not an audience. But I’m more willing to share if it can be anonymous and kept from those I know. I blocked all of Aly’s known accounts, but luckily she never really cared for PB as opposed to MD, so it’s unlikely she would stumble upon my other account there. I’ll be sure to use different titles and not post from multiple accounts at once. Might use that paraphrasing tool as well but that might be going a bit too far unless she does start using PB and finds it by accident or googles some of the text in the copies I send her, if that’s something that can still be done. I’ve actually set this account to public, so she doesn’t need to be logged in.

Been combing through the list of users but you’re talking nearly 500 pages of usernames to go through, so I’m searching keywords I’ve known Molly to use. I think I finally found her account. Should have figured she would use something like "girl power."

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2019 Happy 62nd birthday to my dear hubby! Unfortunately, the birthday boy has to work. Will be surprising him with the roses I sculpted when he gets up.

Didn’t sleep so great last time around. Nothing woke me up that I know of. I just kept waking up. So I’m a little tired today and don’t know if I’m going to go out for my walk. I’ll get enough physical activity around the house today doing laundry and things like that.

Really hope one of the dreams I had isn’t a sign! I had a period starting. I’m almost at the 9-month marker and would absolutely hate to reset the clock yet again! I don’t have any PMS symptoms, though. No water retention, no bloating, no sore boobs, no extreme hunger.

I also had a dream my mother was alive and we moved to Arizona with plans to stay there for a while and then move to Florida.

Then I was back in our Maricopa house only there were people sleeping in the smaller bedrooms for some reason. As I passed the bedroom furthest from the master bedroom one night on my way to bed, some guy was lying on a twin bed in that room. He got up and started mumbling crazy shit.

In the next dream, I guess I was some kind of party girl because I was hanging around with a group of people and we were drinking heavily. I was in a room with either a really long bed or a bunch of beds side by side. I was lying in one of the beds chatting with the others. I looked toward the window where I thought I saw these blinking lights and said, “Why are the cops here?”

Then I realized there was something wrong with my eyes and the flashing colors were actually coming from me.

Then I got up, not caring that I was stark naked, and began looking for my beer bottle (I hate beer in real life) among a cluster of other opened beer bottles sitting on a table. The dream ended with me trying to figure out which bottle was mine.

In the last dream, I held a DVD of some movie that Stacey had lent me. I knew I was supposed to leave it outside my door after I watched it and then tell her on Facebook to come and pick it up. I went browsing through a DVD collection I don’t have in real life in search of a movie I thought she might like and thought of what note I would enclose with it and whether or not I wanted to actually see her when she came to pick it up. Alexa how much time. THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2019 54° this morning and just 78° tomorrow. WTF is wrong with this place? We should be doing triple digits! Tom thinks the reason we’ve been overrun with skunks at night is due to the mild summer we’ve been having.

Just got in a few minutes ago from my half-hour walk. I walked between 5:30 and 6:00 so there would be enough light to see well, the skunks would be in bed, and there wouldn’t yet be much traffic. Went with a hoodie over a T-shirt and started off chilly. By the time I reached the RVs, I was warm.

Exchanged hellos with Jim once I got back to the house and he was coming around the circle. He looks pretty damn fit and healthy for a guy that’s getting close to 90.

Tom and I were talking about how things change as we age. He was saying that while things are always changing at least somewhat, he too, felt like things were changing so fast in his early 50s, but then they stabled out in his late 50s. At 50 he felt just as strong as when he was 20 but now he isn’t as strong.

His wife has always been fitter and now she can tease him about being both fitter and stronger. I am definitely naturally muscular and I definitely build additional muscle easily. Been this way since my early twenties.

Right now I’m worried that I’m going to suffer skin issues almost every day for the rest of my life. He feels confident that I won’t, so let’s hope he isn’t being naively optimistic. I’d rather skin issues than anxiety, but can I just have a break from everything for a while?

I was better down there but then I started getting burning and itching again, so maybe there is a connection with potatoes. Tom said he thinks if I have them once a week I’d be okay. It’s having them every other day that’s too much. That much I can agree with.

He looked down there and said it just looked red but didn’t see any bumps.

I guess the first of the democratic debates was last night. Didn’t watch it because I’m just not into watching that sort of thing but the only thing I don’t like about Democrats is that they’re so pro-illegals. They put everyone else first and foremost before their own. I hate to say it but I think that since it doesn’t affect me directly, I’d rather women lose their rights by closet case Republicans and for gays to lose rights than for us to be allowed to be overrun with illegals that could harm us in many ways. But that doesn’t make me a Republican any more than I was ever a Dem. I’m independent. I say equal rights for everyone that’s FROM here and no catering to illegals. If you’re caught here illegally you should be deported. Yet while it seems that most people have a serious problem with two people in love marrying each other if they’ve got the same parts between their legs, they also expect everyone to welcome illegals with open arms and a big bright smile on their faces as well. Oh, yes, we’re expected to happily feed, house, and provide medical care to thousands and thousands of illegals and refugees at our tax dollars’ expense, no questions asked.

The planes were quiet last night. They seem to be a back-and-forth thing.

Cock must have slipped out quietly and the buds stayed in place enough to protect me from it because this week its habit is to come in around 9:30 in the morning and stay for about 12 hours. Sometimes I wonder if his coming around so much lately is a spite thing. Like their way of saying to the neighborhood, “See, he’s still coming around and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of him. You can stop him from sleeping here but you can’t stop him from visiting.”

Some people really don’t have respect or consideration for others and they seem to get worse with time. If Larry lived in the same town as when my parents were in a park, and if he had a vehicle this insanely loud, they would never want him visiting with that shit. Ever.

I’ve lost a few pounds because I’ve been eating lower-calorie foods but my body has its threshold and won’t let off any more weight. That’s okay. I feel wonderful as opposed to the crap I used to eat, and even better when I don’t have sugary treats. I was such a TV dinner whore for so long that if someone had told me I would teach myself to cook, even if it’s just simple things anybody could make, I’m sure I would have laughed. I just had no interest in it. I’ll still indulge a little on weekends.

The one thing I’m definitely still doing wrong is overdoing the cholesterol. I really shouldn’t be eating meat since I’m not on statins. It’s just that without meat, I really lose a lot of variety that way.

For a fleeting moment, I considered going back to my full dose of medication 6 weeks before labs, figuring Dr. A would only want to resend me to the lab in just a couple of months. But then I remind myself of two things. One is that the dosage experiment I’m doing won’t tell me anything unless I do it at least 6 months, and two, Dr. A’s not my mother. All I have to do is say no to anything she requests. I’ll still give her a heads-up on the portal before labs in September so she doesn’t have her nurse calling me about why my TSH is a bit high.

Most importantly, I’ve been feeling so much better overall! So why change that? Why rock the boat and do anything that could risk changing that? Especially since I’m not endangering my life.

I watched a video tutorial on sculpting roses and decided to pull out my sculpting clay and tools and finally put them to use. Sculpting roses is fairly easy. I baked the two rosebuds I sculpted earlier and I’m going to paint them in a little while. Healthy six years of acting, sit down and turn on the clock. WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2019 Outdoors:

We took the bikes out late last night and sure enough, as soon as we reached the top of the hill a couple of hundred feet or so from the house, there’s a skunk in the middle of the road. It stopped and looked at us and I wasn’t sure if it was going to approach us, turn and run away, or dart in front of the bikes so I turned around and we made a few rounds around the circle. When I saw another one about to jump out in the middle of the street down past Bob and Virginia, we went home.

Never before have they been like this. They’re everywhere! This is my sixth summer here yet I never was deterred from going out late at night due to being overrun by skunks. Again, it’s like something doesn’t want me out there. First it used my health to keep me home and now it’s skunks. Go figure. That’s okay, though. I still have the treadmill.

Sleep:

Today I slept okay but yesterday the bud slipped and something loud woke me up. But that’s okay as I only have 5 more years of this shit, right?

I just wish I could remember my dreams better! Lately, it’s like I have a faint idea of something that I dreamt but then it’s gone before I can fully grasp it enough to put it into words.

Programming:

Tom now has the flippers to his pinball game able to flap.

Pets:

And the new bedding verdict is in! This paper/wood shaving mix is definitely the way to go for the pigs. Yes, they are able to make more of a mess when they run around since the stuff is lighter and fluffy but the Roomba can handle vacuuming it up easier than the big chunks of paper. Just did a partial replacement and the biggest thing I like is how it handles piss. With the paper bedding, you get clumps stuck to the base and you have to really gouge it up with the dustpan. Not with this stuff! I should be able to stretch 2 bales to last a month, so $20 a month for them. So gonna get a subscription going! :-)

I’m now testing the lower level of the rats’ cage with this stuff to see how much they kick out. It may not be suitable for them but time will tell.

Also, using this bedding on the pigs would eliminate the need for the hand vac and playpen since I can work around them with this bedding. The liners would be good for if we run out before the next bale arrives. I don’t think they give a shit whether they sit around at home or in the pen since they’re not explorers, as long as the rats can’t chase them. Gonna reshape the pen at some point into a fun climbing jungle gym for the rats. I’ll make a point of handling the pigs every other day or so, so they stay used to me and aren’t home 24/7, day after day.

Thoughts:

Thought about it some more and the biggest potential problem with rural would be barking. I know damn well, especially in the west, they’re all going to have large dogs that aren’t allowed indoors. Yes, I would take Jesse’s mutts over the traffic here because they couldn’t wake me up. But that in itself was still incredibly annoying and to need to have sound machines on all the time just to drown it out. As we saw in Arizona, even being in the middle of a 10-acre ranch you could still hear some dogs. So since I don’t expect we’d ever get a piece of land that big if we chose rural since we don’t want to venture too far from civilization, barking would probably be our worst problem there assuming we didn’t get sonic boomed which is worse and comparable to the traffic here. I would think, though, that in an area that has many 1-3 acre lots, the barking would be maddening. While the most important thing is keeping ferociously loud sounds away from the bedroom, I would still like to have as much of my cake and eat it too as possible by not having to listen to shit like that all day long. I hear landscaping every day and while that’s annoying it doesn’t go on hour after hour. So both volume and frequency matter.

Sweeps:

Is entering the expiring sweeps for the month worth the spam and congratulations on other people’s wins? Yeah, I guess so. I’ll get to the 250 or so expiring ones in a few days.

Writing:

Still looking forward to Camp NaNo but still finishing up my last project. That will be done at the end of the month for sure.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2019 “No problem, I understand,” would have been nice to hear from Aly when she wanted to chat when I wanted to charge the phone and do other things. Instead, I’m being made to feel guilty for not always being readily available. I do my best, so it would be nice if she was a little less clingy and without certain expectations whenever she has free time.

Got up in the early evening and read the letter on the counter from the park.

I knew it. I just knew it.

Sometimes I sit and think of all the things he knows that I could never figure out and how much smarter he is and how I wish I could be as smart, but you know what? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I’m even smarter. Yeah, I TOLD him they’d repave.

He had said, “Naw, they’re not going to do that because the roads are smooth.”

“Yes, they are,” I insisted. “They’re not going to leave these roads looking like a patchwork quilt (the squares they dug in and then filled back in when upgrading the fiber optics) or with all the colorful paint markings they left all over the place. This park’s too obsessed with looks not to resurface these roads.”

Well, they’re going to seal-coat the entire park. They enclosed a map with a different color marker tracing different streets depending on the date they’re to be done. They’ll be working on and off from the 15th till the 24th of next month. Our area is on for the 18th and luckily I’ll be on days at that time and our area won’t be split between two days like those who are on the edge of their designated sections.

Unfucking believable, though. Been here six years and they’ve worked in the roads five or six times already. Lived in the Phoenix house for just as long and they only tore the roads up once.

Then there was their little “reminders” note. No feeding the wildlife, keep your pets on a leash, etc.

Yeah? How about no tearing in and out on motorcycles in the middle of the night? How about management not playing favorites? How about doing something about some of the complaints you get instead of spiting people for it? Really, I’m sick of this underage punk that lives here but doesn’t sleep here. I’m serious, too. Just because he doesn’t sleep here doesn’t mean he isn’t living here. He is. No idea where he’s crashing at night but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was sleeping in his car. I think his sleeping here was where Joy had to draw the line. He comes in in the morning and leaves at night. Really think this kid just doesn’t want to work and his parents are paying for his food, smokes, and that fucking car which is like oxygen to the little bastard so that he doesn’t have to get a job, a place of his own, or take on any kind of responsibility. He sure hasn’t seemed to have any of those since his stint in the Army and divorce in 2015, from what I could learn snooping around on FB.

As far as the paving goes, since I’m going to be up that day, I say let them go for it. Sure, it will be annoying as hell but since it’s only for one day, let them spend money at our expense to make the roads prettier, and most importantly, smoother for bike riding. Really looking forward to that electric wheel someday!

Loving this translation job! It sucks that I don’t get paid even though I get extra bells and whistles, but it’s a great practice exercise. What I do is I set Google Translate from Spanish to English. Then in Spanish, I write what I think is the correct way to say whatever the prompt asks and watch it appear in English. This way I can verify that I’m correct. I’ve got a pretty good accuracy rate so far but my grammar isn’t always great.

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2019 Had a sore throat all day yesterday but fortunately, it’s gone now.

So the block on my phone is completely worthless since South Carolina made it in today. That explains how Tammy got in after I had blocked her when her brats came between us. Oh well. Maybe they’ll give up once they realize they’re not going to get an answer from this number.

I don’t smell anything since trying the new bedding on the pigs yesterday but they’re making a bit of a mess, even with a 7-inch base. They’re kicking some of it out when they run around. It occurred to me that I should have put one of the disposable liners underneath. That way, instead of their corner bathrooms sticking to the base of the cage, it would stick to that.

Fuzzy is so adorable with the way he runs to me and stands up to be picked up when he’s done burrowing under the sheets which he likes to do same as most rats. Just as cute is when he gets on his “flying perch.” I stick my arm out straight with my elbow bent and he hops onto my elbow as we “fly” down the hall to get a piece of cheese on the way to his house.

SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 2019 No more night walking for me. If I go out at night it’ll be on the bike. There are simply way too many skunks. It seems there are more than usual. Most of the time I don’t see any but lately, I haven’t been able to go out without seeing two or three and that’s just in the small section I cover. Tried to get pics of one without going too close but it didn’t come out.

Saw something else small scurry across one of the streets that could’ve been a rat.

Other than having to dodge skunks with poor vision, it was nice out. A little warm but still nice. The air was alive with the smell of laundry, Jasmine and barbecues. Not so much in the way of barbecues, though, since 10:30 is getting a bit late for that.

Another Robocall came in. Still not sure how it is they’re slipping through the block but this one was in Florida. Didn’t realize I could just ask Alexa where a certain area code was. No need to look it up myself. At least the calls have dropped from 3 a day to 1 a day.

Trying a new type of bedding for the guinea pigs so I don’t have to deal with changing their liners every other day. This one is a mix of wood shavings and paper. Usually, we get just paper bedding which is supposed to absorb odors better and be better for their health since the wood shavings can be dusty. But it was only $10 for the same size bale as a $16 bale of paper bedding. If this works out It will be less work for less money. Yes, I could do everybody with the paper bedding but that would cost a lot of money. I don’t want to do something just because we can afford it. I’ll probably stick to paper bedding for the rats or maybe do their lower level with the mixed bedding. We’ll see.

I also got them some apple-flavored treats and of course the pigs aren’t interested. The rats are, though, since they’ll eat anything.

After thinking about it, I decided that an electric wheel for the bike would be a worthy investment. Not just for the hills here, but I could use it in Florida as well. It’s usually pretty windy in Florida and riding against the wind, even on level ground, can be a challenge. So I think it would be a good thing to have no matter what.

I got a single sippy cup that I wanted to try before getting a set of them. They’re cheap. I’ve been looking for sippy cups like the one I’ve had for a while now with the built-in straw but realized I was searching with the wrong keyword. I was looking for sippy cups with attached straws when I really needed to search for sippy cups with built-in straws. They’re great to put by the bed so that if I wake up thirsty I can grab them without spilling water all over the place. So now I have two of them. :-) I was just hesitant to get a set even if it wasn’t much more money because the reviews were so mixed. Some people were saying they were wonderful while others were saying they were flimsy and horrible and that the cap wouldn’t stay on. Everything looks great to me so all I have to do is see if they hold up in the dishwasher which some people said was a bust.

I also grabbed another jar of Tucks for me and a matching rainbow jewelry set for the doll that has earrings, a necklace and a bracelet. Since I pulled off a couple of her toenails and the French manicure she had was incredibly boring anyway, I’m going to eventually get a set of 15 different toenail designs.

Went to Rite Aid a couple of hours after I got up and got my Merlot and Rosé minis as well as a peanut butter Twix bar to try. Definitely don’t like it as much as the original so I had some of the sour cream chips he got instead. He can try the rest of the PB Twix.

The fish has started using the tube Tom printed out for him.

Made tilapia with a baked potato, broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. I used a 0-calorie butter spray so the whole thing was only about 200 calories.

I later made the best batch of homemade mashed potatoes ever! Perfect mix of margarine, milk and garlic salt. I used the highest speed when whipping them.

Had a dream I was discussing celebrities with someone. When they were trying to figure out the name of a certain celebrity, I told them who it was, saying I knew their name because I had a friend who was into the show they were on.

Then someone said that somebody was going to be performing in their hometown and how excited they were, and wouldn’t I just love it if they would come to my city too?

No, I said, because I preferred YouTube in the privacy of my own home.

SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2019 Made myself a bunless mushroom burger with watermelon for dessert. Chatting on Facebook with Anne now and doing a handful of other things. Laundry, dishes, writing, etc.

Definitely gotta stick to the inside of the park when I’m walking at night. The skunks usually stick to the perimeters of the park. The perimeters are good in the daytime because you don’t have to deal with traffic as much that way.

I was surprised by how much I could hear the freeway when I was out earlier. And of course, the fucking planes. They didn’t turn out to be that annoying last night but in the morning as well as tonight they were. I was totally dismayed to learn the airport added a new route. Great, more planes flying over my fucking head.

Sadly, not a single person on Facebook cared to download Tom’s test app but Aly did. He’s thinking his next game will be some kind of pinball game.

Just when I thought blocking robocalls was a success, since I didn’t get any yesterday, it turns out it was a bust. It might have cut most of them down but I got a call from the 304 area code, which is West Virginia, and after double-checking, I found that I did indeed have that area code blocked. So I don’t know how they managed to weasel in.

Slept okay, but not great. Traffic didn’t wake me up because I used the bud, but just the stress of sleeping in the daytime disrupts my sleep. If we weren’t right on the fucking street, then maybe not. sighs 5 more years.

Tammy shared a meme saying, “Never fuck someone’s life up with a lie because they can fuck yours up with the truth.”

Then she added, “And the truth will soon come to light.”

I asked who she was talking about but I don’t expect an answer. I doubt it’s got anything to do with me because she would have told me if she was upset with me. Plus, I haven’t lied to or about her. Then again, neither did I when it came to Lisa back when the nutjob went ballistic on me a decade ago.

Sometimes a part of me wishes she would get pissed off enough to dump me, but she’s just not the dumping type. If she was, I would be free to let the girls have it which would certainly feel good, not that they would ever own up to anything. Without her, though, I wouldn’t have the connection to the bitches or have to hear about them from time to time.

I know this is an incredible waste of time and that the message is unlikely to even be seen much less replied to, but since Alyssa’s been on my mind, I couldn’t resist but reach out to her again. This time I was a little more truthful about my intentions, not that I was lying to her before. I told her that I just really liked her and was drawn to her personality and all that, and yes, she’s attractive even though my interest in her is not physical in any way, and that I hoped we could be cyber friends of sorts and say hello every now and then.

I also let her know that I understood that I was once a former patient, however briefly that lasted, and that we came from totally different walks of life and all that, etc. As I said, I don’t expect a reply but every now and then life does throw a surprise my way.

Instead, I get to hear from Anne. Jobless, emotionally unstable, not very intelligent Anne. Why is it that it’s so easy to get attention from these kinds of people? Is this normal? I mean do they reach out to just anyone? Or is there something about me that’s attracting the Annes while repelling the Alyssas?

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2019 Saw 3 skunks on the 15-minute walk I went on last night. This is why I’m a little hesitant to take the bike out at night. Even with good lights, I don’t want one of those or a possum darting out as I’m barreling down the hill.

After a temporary setback with privacy policies, Tom’s app is out! Going to be a little disappointed if no one on Facebook downloads it. It’s free, it’s simple, and it’s just his first test app to learn the ropes. I suppose not everyone has that much extra space on their phone but still. It won’t kill people to DL it and check it out. :-)

Still no news on my biopsy but she did say it usually takes a couple of weeks. I’m also still worried there isn’t going to be anything they can do for me in the end. I would seriously rather be told, “Hey, you’re going to die,” rather than, “You’re going to suffer or at least be very uncomfortable for the rest of your life.” I really would.

I’m a little tired today but that’s what I get for not sleeping with the earbud. Traffic woke me up not once but three times. Figured I’d take a chance because I didn’t have much to do today but I’m definitely going to sleep with the bud next time around so I don’t get too backed up in sleep. Oh, to one day be able to live where I don’t need to sleep with earbuds! But I really do believe we’re going to be here until he retires so I might as well get used to it for the next half a decade.

Decided not to do that 5-hour walking experiment. That’s just ridiculous and way too extreme. I’ll stick to the standard half-hour a day, 5 days a week. I’m big like most older people and that’s okay. :-)

Heard some planes late last night as well as a few in the late afternoon so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were annoying tonight. They only take so many days off, unfortunately.

“We won’t shift our noise from one community to another.”

Yeah, right. Well, that’s exactly what they do and I’ll definitely get on them about it from both my public Twitter accounts until they either get fed up enough to do something about it or block me. I’ve had it with this plane shit. There’s no need for them to be flying over us. They didn’t start doing this until last fall so there’s no reason they can’t go back to flying where they were flying before. It’s not like they have no alternative, so there really isn’t any reason or excuse for this.

The only dream I remember from last night was being served by some woman at a buffet somewhere. I think we were out of town. It was either really late or really early. I was trying to get a tiny bit of a certain food included with whatever I was getting, but the woman wouldn’t give it to me.

“What if we pay for it?” I asked her, and then she agreed to serve it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2019 Okay, robofuckers, I just blocked every area code in the country except for CT, NE, FL, OH and CA. Well, I did block FL. Just not Tammy’s area code. Most of the calls do seem to be originating from the East. I checked some of the latest area codes and they came from Florida, Tennessee, North Carolina and Maryland. I think I saw Mississippi and Arkansas as well. I was getting an average of 3 a day, so we’ll see if this helps. With good friends in Nebraska and Connecticut and Tammy preparing to move to Ohio, I didn’t want to block those States. I’ll block Tammy’s area code once she’s out of there.

Tom had to pull his app TapQuickTap off because there was a problem with the privacy policy. I was just about to tell people to go look it up, too. He fixed the issues and resubmitted it so hopefully they won’t reject it. Could be a day or two before it’s back up, though.

I hope I’m wrong and that I’m pleasantly surprised in the end but I just don’t have a good feeling about this. I just get the feeling it’s not meant to be. Just because you may be good at something and deserving of it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily meant to be. I just don’t think anything up there wants us making extra money on the side. If it did, he would be paid the national average, especially for this state, and I might be able to hold a schedule and work. He thinks the apps will eventually generate a few hundred dollars a month and while I think he’s being naively optimistic, it certainly can’t hurt to try!

I have declared my CampNano project, Gone. 5 days until cabin assignment, 11 days until writing begins. I’m ready to start but at the same time, I still need to give my last book its final read-through.

I was chatting about the mama’s boy with Carolyn and she agrees it’s frustrating, they make comments every time they hear his car, Joy does show favoritism, it’s so wrong, and she keeps praying they move away.

Ooh, the power of prayer! Yeah, that’ll work. Just like that woman suffering from postpartum depression I saw on an episode of Deadly Women who was told by her priest to pray her depression away. Instead of getting medication, she goes home, finds prayer is a joke, and ends up killing her entire family. So damn the person who created the God fantasy and brainwashed nearly everyone into buying that crap!

Although…there are still certain things that make me wonder. Sometimes I really do wonder if something could be up there. I just don’t know that it’s anything I would want to call a friend. But when the same things happen one too many times, be it a good thing or a bad, I do wonder.

Anyway, I heard the bastard leave after it came and went yesterday, so once again I’m not sure that he’s actually living here. Well, he’s living here, he’s just not always sleeping here. I hadn’t even been up a few hours when I heard the bastard three times. I just can’t always tell what direction he’s going so I don’t know if I heard him come or go the last time. I just know that his asshole parents will be here as long as we are and then we’ll hope the loudest car in our future neighborhood can’t wrap around three sides of us or get as close. There’s got to be some reason Joy’s been protecting them and that can only be because they’re friends. Can’t think of any other reason she would protect them. Just too lazy to do anything about their shit? She doesn’t strike me as the lazy type. They gotta be tight. I still don’t think Kristy knows that Joy’s covering their asses either.

Speaking of Kristy, I saw a picture of Carolyn with what looked like Kristy but when I asked if that was her, she didn’t answer, which pretty much was my answer. Sometimes people’s lack of an answer is enough to answer my question. That saying about silence speaking a thousand words often rings true. Poor Kristy, though, trying to get Joy to do the right thing while being left completely in the dark while she’s at it, not knowing she’s submitting people’s complaints to their very protector.

Been loving the absence of planes this last week but I know it won’t last forever. Last night was amazingly quiet. No planes of any kind, no helicopters, no nothing. But every time summer sets in, it gets unseasonably cool. Today and yesterday have been really hot at around 100°, but tonight it’s supposed to drop to 57° and only get up to 86°. I’ll go out for a quick jog at about 9.

Through experimenting, Tom and I have been finding out what seems to work the way we hear it does and what doesn’t. Neither of us buys that protein fights hunger. There just doesn’t seem to be a connection there.

He thinks it would, but I don’t think it’s true that the more calories we burn, the more we lose, but I’m about to find out. See, I think it’s all in not consuming that many calories to begin with. Remember, I did those HIIT routines for 90 minutes where you burn 1000 calories and it didn’t affect me at all. This was right before I was diagnosed. I don’t think, for example, you can eat 2000 calories, burn 1000 calories, and “trick” your body into thinking it only ate 1000 calories. I think you have to not eat those extra 1000 calories in the first place. But next week I’m going to burn 1000 calories every day and see what happens. When I don’t actively count calories which is pretty much never these days, I naturally have about 1500 to 1800 a day.

I’m not going to do HIIT routines. I’m going to walk at a slow but comfortable pace for 5 hours while I do the things I usually do on my laptop. Maybe not all at once, though. If I walk at 2.5 MPH, I can burn about 200 calories.

The older I get, the more I bitch about losing pieces of myself like pretty much everyone does…my vision, my memory, my libido, etc. Well, when will one of those “pieces” be my appetite?

This is the first day since the biopsy that I have less irritation down there.

Oh great. Now Molly’s inserting herself into mine and Aly’s conversation on Twitter. Figured it was just a matter of time. rolls eyes I’m going to ignore her for now. I thought about protecting my tweets but I want to keep rejection as a last resort. Reject Molly and she’ll be more determined to get at you. She’s changed but then she also hasn’t. Looked in on her own tweets last night and it’s still the same old obsession about Roman. Shows me she still has the same stalking tendencies I’ve always known her to have so I would prefer to keep things amicable and not get on her shit list.

I had another dream Alyssa was in where I was prank calling her on what I knew to be a landline number of hers, not that I would ever do such a thing. We ended up going out to dinner together and I was thinking how glad I was that I didn’t make too many prank calls that would cause her to change the number. Then I wondered if she had any idea that I was the one behind the calls.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2019 Just got back from our first trip to the pool this year on this beautiful dry 103° day. The dryness will be the only thing I’ll miss when we move. There was just one other woman there. She said hi to us but that was it. Good. I don’t care for chatterboxes anymore than histrionics.

Far from Home is now done! It’s 25079 words long. Will spend the rest of the month doing the final editing of the 57-page novella.

Had I taken the time to read the Eucerin sample I got from my dermatologist, I would have known it was body wash and not lotion. No wonder it was runny and sticky!

I was going to pierce Suki’s ears with a safety pin but I didn’t even need that much because TPE is so soft I could just push the earring right through. So now she has pink gemstones in her ears. When I switch to Gia, maybe she can have the purple or blue ones.

Last night was the first time the burning and itching down there woke me up. So again, when the sleep curse can’t use traffic against me, it uses me. Really worried the irritation isn’t because of the biopsy and that my case is hopeless.

Yesterday, I heard what sounded like the mama’s boy coming in at 6 p.m. and then leaving a half-hour later. Then I could have sworn I heard him come in at 9:30 and thought he might have moved back in. If he stayed here overnight last night and left at 6:30, I’m sure the Twenties would have been pissed to have been woken up. Fortunately, my earbuds saved me. Kind of surprised I haven’t heard him yet today.

I almost wish the bastard would move back in because then maybe those who were afraid to come forward will finally be fed up enough to complain and maybe Joy will then feel overwhelmed enough to actually do something. I mean, what is she going to do? Spite half a dozen people if that many complained, for example? In reality, though, no one’s going to complain and if they do they’re going to be retaliated against.

Unfortunately, his app hasn’t gotten any downloads yet.

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2019 Will we be married for another 25 years? I wonder this at times but I kind of doubt it. I think somewhere between 20-25 years, though, so we should still have many years ahead! I know I’m always going to have something but I just hope he stays healthy till the end.

Alyssa’s been on my mind since I recently dreamed about her. I don’t know why she pops into my mind at random as she does and why I still feel this longing for her. Hell, it’s been half a decade! Not a sexual longing but just to be around her, to have her as a friend, to chat with her at times, to go out to lunch together occasionally. There was just something about her I really liked and felt comfortable with. She was very personable and kind even if she wasn’t the greatest doctor for me. She was liberal and I could tell we thought a lot alike.

She finally shared a picture of her baby. Not herself, but her husband holding the baby. I was right. It’s a girl. I had a strong feeling for some reason that it was. They don’t mention the name, though.

I’m happy for her but is there anything this woman can’t get? I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for myself. I still don’t regret not having kids, not that it was ever my choice to begin with, and sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to deal with bosses and coworkers, especially when I don’t feel well, but seriously. Some people really seem to have it all! That’s the whole point, I guess, that gets to me at times. From what I can tell, she’s got great parents and comes from a decent family. She’s got money. She can keep a schedule. She’s tall. She’s got a husband who can obviously perform. I’m sure she can sleep with that husband every night, has a great career, and got to have a kid. It’s like whatever Alyssa wants, Alyssa gets.

But If I were suddenly young again, could I get someone I really lusted for while keeping a schedule and choosing the career of my choice and whether or not I had kids? No, of course not. Gay or straight, great personality and intelligence or not, I’d get the biggest sexual misfit there was. While I was dealing with that, I would have a nothing little menial job, if even that, and the rights to choose to have a child, if that’s what I chose, would be up to others or to circumstances beyond my control.

The only two things I don’t get are how the hell she finds time for the kid with such a demanding career and what it is she sees in her husband at least from a physical standpoint. He’s just so incredibly boring. He may not be fat or anything but he’s just this dark blob of nothing.

I just wonder why it is that I was never “allowed” to be normal? Do things really happen for a reason? Or did I just happen to end up this way? It makes me feel like something up there feels I don’t deserve to be normal. Why couldn’t I always sleep with my own husband? Why couldn’t we have had a normal, fun, healthy and exciting sex life together? Why couldn’t I have felt the same degree of lust that I felt for some people I could never have? Why couldn’t I keep a schedule? Why couldn’t I have the guts to drive? Why couldn’t I have a career of my own? Why couldn’t I have been the one to decide whether or not I had kids even if I’m glad I didn’t? Why is it some people can get it all? Really, what could possibly be all that wrong with Alyssa’s life? What could possibly be abnormal for her? What could she possibly want that she can’t have besides maybe a billion bucks? What realistic ordinary thing could possibly be denied to Alyssa??

Do she and her husband ever fight? Will their sex life fizzle out with age like ours did, not that I could have sex anyway due to my LS.

If things aren’t random and we’re basically given a script to play out, why was I chosen to be so unique? Why was I denied so many things that almost everyone else can get or do? What was it about me that made whatever’s up there decide I should be one of the ones to sit out on the sidelines and watch normality play out from the outside in? Why do I have so many health problems? Thyroid, ear, TMJ, rashes, sleep issues, a weight problem I have no control over, etc.

I still worry that I do indeed have LS and there won’t be anything they can do for it but give me the usual temporary solutions that can’t last forever. It’s like with my groin rash. I treat it and it comes back.

If I could get up the nerve, even though it would leave me badly mutilated and hurt like hell, I might wish I could cut off the skin in hopes of healthy or at least pain-free skin growing back.

I made my dream blog public a few days ago just to see if it would start getting any hits, and if it has, I can’t see them.

The weather has been quite mild so far this summer which is saving us money as far as the AC goes but not exactly helping the pool.

I wrote everything above late last night. Tom’s app is now in the store. No downloads yet, though. No, I don't think so.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2019 The drama queen has done a great job of making up for the girls’ lack of “daddy in heaven” posts every single fucking day. sighs and rolls eyes Been going on for days now. Do some people want to remind us of those we would rather not think of or remember?

When I saw how much the fish liked hiding in the little basket Tom printed to put around the end of the filter so he wouldn’t get his delicate fins and tails sucked into it when I was cleaning it, I asked that he print another one. Haven’t seen him in it yet.

I quickly stopped by next door yesterday when picking up the mail. Virginia looks great and Bob looks like he usually does. They confirmed our suspicions. Ralph has died. So unfortunately that house is going to be on the market soon enough.

Found that using the voice typing tool directly in Google Docs on my laptop works just as well as on my phone. Google’s speech-to-text has always been better than Apple’s so I’m not going to be using my phone nearly as much anymore. With all the robocalls I get, the interruptions would definitely not be appreciated anyway. This one also starts right away like on my phone. The Mac’s takes several seconds to start. If given the choice it’s still much easier to do on my laptop because it’s easier to edit there.

Although I’m ever so slightly wound up now, probably because it’s Sunday night, I’m still continuing to do better overall. I’m just not sure if it’s more due to the pill cuts or getting closer to menopause.

What’s not good is my crotch. Still have burning and itching and still worried there won’t be much they can do for me. What the fuck’s God got against my womanhood in general, anyway? First I was denied a normal sex life. Then I was denied rights to my own reproductive system. Now this shit.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2019 Happy 25th anniversary to us! Haven’t done much so far today. Changed the pigs’ liner with his help and went to Rite Aid. Then we went over some details with the app which we expect to launch today.

Forgot to mention that the two stitches she put in me are dissolvable, unlike when the other doctor did it and I had to go back to have her remove the one stitch or so she put in. So that’s one less appointment I have to worry about.

The pinching sensation is gone and I only ended up having a slight bit of spotting on the liner I wore. Let’s just say I would have been really bummed out had it not been from the biopsy and I saw that.

Crashed at around 8:30 or 9 last night just to be woken up for a few seconds when the fucking cock went zooming out at 9:30 after spending 7.5 hours with Mommy and Daddy. Doing what? Watching TV? Again, living here but not sleeping here. He really doesn’t seem to have done anything with his life since leaving the Army and divorcing 3 or 4 years ago. But I think that no matter how much Joy may have their backs, she can only cover it so much and him being here 24/7 was generating more complaints than she wanted to deal with. I just wish even more people would complain! I think the more that do, the less she’s likely to retaliate than if she just gets a few complaints every now and then. Either way, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to be here as long as we are.

Took me an hour to fall back asleep when I woke up again at 1 a.m. after having a nightmare of sorts about having an asthma attack in the apartment of one of the characters in my books. Ah, but the dream people have spun some potential story ideas for July’s NaNo while at it! :) Given the clarity of last night’s dream, I wonder if I was seeing into another dimension. I was a lot younger and living in this apartment with a female detective. I can see the place in vivid detail. What was funny was that Alyssa was my mom. She had me when she was really young. My dad was black so she was married to a black guy just like in real life.

Maybe I’ll do some basic story that’s not exactly silly but that doesn’t have much drama or much of a plot to it and that I probably won’t end up sharing since most people may find it boring. It’s just to be doing NaNo, and I like their tools and how I can keep track of my word progress there. I still have a couple of other ideas that have been on the back burner for a while so I won’t rule those out completely.

I also had some dream about my memory issues frustrating me. There was some woman who left me a voice message that I had to call that might have had something to do with my health somehow, be it physical or emotional, and I kept forgetting to return her call.

Lastly, I also dreamed about telling someone I wasn’t sure I was going to work and then Tom said he was hoping I would because he wanted to get one more car while we were here, LOL.

FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2019 My appointment turned out to be both good and bad. Good: She doesn’t think it looks cancerous down there. She said something about cancer being raised and bleeding but I have nothing like that. Just very red and irritated-looking.

Bad: I’m not getting better. A study of 6 patients on Tacrolimus were all cured after a year but I don’t think I’m any different than the last time I saw her.

My records from Dr. Hottie finally made it to her but the biopsy she did simply stated something about an enlarged hair follicle. Yeah, she may’ve been a hottie but she definitely wasn’t a great doctor. She misdiagnosed me on a few things.

Anyway, since I’m still burning and itching, she recommended a biopsy to be absolutely certain it really is LS and that they’re not missing anything that could explain why I’m not responding to treatment. They’ll contact me in a couple of weeks with the results and on how to proceed from there. For now, I can treat it with Tacrolimus, hydrocortisone and Tucks as needed. Just not on the biopsy site.

This biopsy went much easier than when the hottie doc did it. Amy applied a numbing cream before shooting me. Hottie just shot me straight up with nothing. Now that the numbness has abated it sort of feels like something’s pinching me there but nothing that’s got me running for the Ibuprofen as of yet. Not much bleeding either. Once again, though, the pool will be delayed. I’m not even going to work out today.

Grabbed an Eucerine sample on the way out. I know Aly likes it but I find it too greasy.

Will probably get permanent pit removal someday but not the Mona Lisa Touch.

An ambulance was pulling away from next door right as I was glancing out front at around 8:30 this morning. I stepped outside to see a lady pig in a cruiser sitting in front of our place and another cruiser just past where the ambulance had been. My first thought was that Virginia was taken away but their SUV was in their garage and I later heard someone dragging the trash bin in back after it was dumped. Maybe she just didn’t go with them this time.

Tom just went to get the mail and saw them cleaning out Ralph’s oxygen equipment, so my guess is he’s not coming back. I had a feeling about that too, what with the way the paramedics were coming around so often. I won’t miss his blasting TV at night but I really hope the house doesn’t go up for sale while we’re still here since that could very well mean getting someone with a motorcycle or other loud vehicle that comes and goes regularly which would be worse. Again, old people just aren’t what they were in the 80s and before. These days they’re almost as annoying as the young folks.

The smart plug my rainbow lamp was plugged into that I use in the bedroom when I’m working at my desk in there went out, so we ordered a new one.

Getting robocalls multiple times a day now and it’s really getting old. I keep blocking them but they keep calling from new numbers with new area codes. it’s probably because of the sweeps. I haven’t entered any in several days but I think at the end of each month when most of them expire is when I’ll enter.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2019 Tammy read my journal yesterday about the gift card and said she could use it so I emailed her the code. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for her. She hasn’t said anything about it either way and she almost never reeds or at least replies to my messages so I can’t ask her unless I ask on her wall or tag her. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe she just hates messages as much as I hate live phone chats.

I’ve really come to hate my nieces. All of them. Even Tammy isn’t always happy with the shit they do. I realize they’re young and there are worse people in the world than them, but between Lisa’s paranoid, accusatory and downright psychotic behavior, and the others being such narcissistic, selfish, rude bitches, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of them. Tammy herself knows that once I cut ties with someone or they cut them with me, that’s the way it stays. Never again do I want to hear from the girls and you know, I’m glad they dumped me, mostly over my posts about how being obsessed with the dead causes us to miss out on the living and me thinking it would help them not to “get over” it but to move on to more positive things. We all get stuck in negative ruts at times, after all. But yeah, I’m glad because now I don’t have to watch what I say so much because these overly-sensitive bitches can’t handle things and have the nerve to call others out on their posts while they can post whatever they want and to hell with who it annoys.

Becky and Sarah didn’t block me but I blocked them. I don’t need reminders of their existence when we all interact with Tammy. Having to hear about them and Lisa every fucking time I chat live with Tammy will be enough.

Even though I never really knew Etta and I wasn’t there, I can see why she’d throw Sarah out without warning. They ever think that maybe since both aunts can’t stand them that maybe the problem is them? Somehow I doubt it. Just can’t picture them feeling guilt, remorse or being able to own up to their own actions. “I’m sorry” probably isn’t even in their vocabulary. It was because of Tammy that I didn’t share my true feelings with them before blocking them. Like they’d get it anyway much less agree? I’ll wait and vent if Tammy dies first…maybe.

All this extra walking is doing wonders for my health and my overall sense of well-being. I feel great both physically and emotionally. Even my blood pressure is lower. Sometimes I think it’s still sad that I can never get under 150, but I try not to let it get to me. I am what I was meant to be in this day in age. I lost a pound and a half and I’m sure I can lose another pound or two, but then my body will hold its weight automatically.

Aly didn’t reply to my message until the end of my day in which case I didn’t bother to reply because I was getting too tired. We swapped messages today, though. Her GYN couldn’t see her yesterday so she went in today. Probably just an infection although it could be fibroids. It’s nothing serious either way. I just hope she soon gets a break as well so she too, can enjoy months between appointments instead of weeks. Yes, after seeing Amy tomorrow who I doubt will tell me anything I want to hear, I should be appointment-free until September unless I do decide to see the shrink in August. So far that’s not looking likely, though.

Had a dream that we were in the car going somewhere when Tom quickly skidded to a stop because some people were blocking the road. There were two vehicles that got in an accident or had car trouble, and one car was blocking the outer lane which we were in. When we got out of the car I was worried there might be a fight but all was peaceful.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2019 Sitting by the animals on the beanbag chair as I take a little rest after burning my first 300 calories of the day. I want to burn another 100-200. It takes 25 minutes of walking at 2.5 MPH to burn 100.

Even though my joints have stiffened with age, my feet and hips have been pretty good to me this time around since adding time to my walking. The last time I did this my right hip was killing me and my feet were really sore.

I ate so much KFC yesterday that I didn’t eat for the last 8 hours of my day. I didn’t even have my happy hour. Four pieces of chicken, a biscuit, french fries and part of a sundae; what was I thinking! Amazed I’m only up half a pound. I thought I would be up a pound or two.

I don’t know if this counts, but I supposedly won a $30 gift card to a bedding store when aiming for a new mattress. I guess I was one of the runner-ups. There are a few things I could get for around that price but nothing I really want or need. Wondering if this counts as what the dream I had a few nights ago represented where I won a screen door I didn’t want.

Tom decided that rather than have me give Aly a link to the first tester game right away, we’re going to keep our mouths shut and see who downloads it on their own. After a few days, I’ll give her the link. This first one is just getting his feet wet and learning how to do it. Not to make money.

If it does look like he can generate enough revenue from apps, we’ll have the business in my name since they could withhold some of his retirement money if he was making too much on the side after deciding he wanted to retire early.

It’s like that with disability. You can work part-time but any more than that and they’ll take some if not all of your disability money.

I thought I was too young for so many appointments, but poor Aly! She has an emergency gynecologist appointment this morning because she’s having heavy bleeding and major cramps. I have no idea what that could mean but after having NovaSure, it can’t be very good. Hopefully, it’s only because of her blood disorder.

It almost sucks that we both don’t want to stay in this state because, in light of not being able to get universal healthcare to pass, California is very likely to follow Massachusetts with universal healthcare long before Florida does. Eventually, they’re going to lower the Medicare age to 55, but people talk. Talk doesn’t mean shit without the actions to back up your words so I’m not going to believe anything until I see it no matter how likely it may seem. But it’s the insurance that’s the main issue for us as far as when he can retire and all that.

I like that the state is liberal and has the Death with Dignity Act that you would think would be everywhere by now, but it’s still too expensive, too cold in the winter, and I’m tired of the planes and traffic. We’re in a shitty location. Too close to too busy of a street. I don’t expect to ever have a quiet place. I learned many moves ago that that’s not meant to be. But I think we can find a bedroom that isn’t so close to the street, get on a less traveled street, and out of a flight path.

We’ve been having a heatwave of triple-digit temps. In the late afternoon when it’s at its hottest and I’m hot flashing, it’s definitely uncomfortable but it still beats being cold. The temps are supposed to drop soon, though.

My God, I’m so sick of these fucking robocalls! And having to restart my browser cuz my keyboard keeps crapping out on me, and my rainbow lamp blinking on and off. WTH is up with that?

The mama’s boy that was in twice yesterday oughta be roaring in soon.

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2019 Having a nice day today despite the noise. The usual loud vehicle craze following the morning planes sprinkled with landscaping.

Mama’s boy not only came in yesterday afternoon but just a little while ago the bastard came in and left a few minutes later. Again, it lives here but doesn’t sleep here yet might as well as often as it comes around. They wouldn’t get evicted and they know it.

We were going to go to West Sac today but decided we’ve tested the car enough. It sure has the best AC of any car we’ve ever had before!

After replacing the pigs’ liner, moving the rainbow clock from the master bedroom to the bathroom, and throwing Suki on the bedroom floor between the bed and closet where she’ll be easier to dress, we went to the UPS Store to return the Bose buds.

Then I got Suki a pair of magenta high-heeled sandals. Only problem is that not only is 8.5 about a size and a half too big for her, but her foot doesn’t have enough of an arch for them either, so they look a little funny on her.

Lastly, we stopped at KFC where I stupidly stuffed the shit out myself so bad I wished I could puke it up but couldn’t, of course.

We decided to go swimming on Friday after my appointment with Amy rather than today since I already showered. I’ll be showering the night before my appointment and staying up later that day. Late enough to hit the pool when the brats are gone. Or supposed to be, anyway. I fucking hate that they upped their pool time to 2:00. This isn’t an all-ages park, for God’s sake! Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed to use the pool at all. Isn’t the whole point of moving to an adult community because you want to be around adults?

Another thing we’re going to delay is our Alcatraz trip. We decided it’d be better in the fall when it’s not only cooler for outdoor activities but when there will be fewer people with the kids back in school and all that.

Tom and I were talking about it earlier and we both agree that the fact that I didn’t continue to have anxiety after the day it was more noticeable around the 5th, is still a good sign that points to the dosage being part of the issue. Brands, going into menopause, dosage, etc. I still think - and hope - I’ll one day be able to take at least 75s without issue. But yeah, it’s still looking promising. Making it to August is when I’ll really get a sense of whether or not I’m on the right track. By October I’ll know for sure.

I still hot flash just about every day but that’s mostly toward the end of my day and in bed that I do that. I’m used to it, though. It’s the anxiety I could never get used to if I lived a million years. Worst feeling on earth!

As for my weight…if I ever decide I really have to lose some for whatever reason, there are only two ways to get it off and both are impossible. I have to either eat next to nothing or pop my gut. Yeah, as in puking up my food. Only problem is that as much as I’ve tried wiggling my finger down my throat, I just can’t get my belly to pop. I even tried eating and eating until I was so full in hopes that my stomach would burst but I just can’t get myself to do that either. Even if I could, I know that having stomach acid in my throat and on my teeth regularly wouldn’t be good. I mean what am I going to do? Pop my gut every single day? Because that’s literally what it would take. I couldn’t just do it for a while and then stop, because as soon as I stopped and kept everything I ate, the weight would return. So, since my only options would be to forever starve or forever puke, I’ve gotta trust that my body wouldn’t carry this extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. The only thing I really don’t like about it is how it impedes my range of flexibility to a degree right along with my aging joints, ligaments and tendons.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2019 Starting my updating while I’m on the skier. The only thing I don’t like about this is having to hold the phone I’m voice typing on with one hand but it’s not too bad.

We got the animals into the storeroom and set the bombs off at 4:15 yesterday morning. Then we get in the car and dear hubby presses the button to start our electric car and realizes he doesn’t have the key. We both agreed that was a really dumb one on his part. I thought I was getting absent-minded! Promising to hold his breath, he dove into the house and grabbed the key. The bombs had stopped going off by then but there was still a heavy mist in the air. He survived, though. I was just a little worried about what else he might have forgotten and so was he, LOL.

Really hope that blasting music in stores and restaurants is just a Cali thing, but first, we shot uphill to Auburn at a steady 65 miles an hour, not in economy mode or doing anything to save energy, to see how fast it would drain the battery. It held up pretty well. We could probably get to SF on just 2 charges.

My ears started popping before we reached the sign saying we were 1000 feet in elevation. We went to a shopping center we would frequent when we lived in Auburn. I remembered all the stores and found myself missing the area a bit. I would still rather get the hell out of the state altogether be it to Florida or Nevada, but if I had to start all over again, even though Jesse could be a pest and his mutts barked all the time, I would have just stayed crammed in there with the shitty internet connection and the well crapping out periodically had I known just how chaotic and noisy this park would be. Not even 6 a.m. and the planes are going nonstop and soon the landscaping and loud traffic will join in.

Anyway, it took 20 minutes to charge the car and I ran around the mostly deserted parking lot during part of it because I hate to sit still for long which is part of why I hate road trips. Even so, I’m looking forward to our upcoming trip to Alcatraz even though we don’t know exactly when we’re going yet.

With the car charged, we stopped at Denny’s in Newcastle. The music wasn’t that loud but it was a bit basey. More annoying than that was the loudmouth Mexicans a few booths down.

Decided to switch to the treadmill. I have to speak a little louder but my voice is naturally loud and strong from all the years of singing I did.

I got eggs, bacon, pancakes and French fries well he got an omelet.

Then we returned to the city and actually gained battery life that way rather than lost any because it was all downhill to where we’re 300 feet in elevation. Plus, we went slower and switched to economy mode. This mini-trip gave us a better idea of what traveling to SF will be like.

Still having time to kill, we spent over an hour in Walmart browsing the aisles and listening to their blasting music. Why do stores and restaurants feel they need to entertain us? They’re there to provide food and merchandise, not entertainment! Yet you feel more like you’re stepping into some club than a store or restaurant.

Ended up getting a couple of cute dolls. An Asian one called Yuki and a cute little brown girl in a ballet leotard with shiny silver leg warmers. Plus, we picked up some groceries and I got multi-colored measuring spoons and cups to replace our old, boring set. This one has more measurement units too. Goes well with our colorful whisk.

Re-entered the house 4 hours later and the animals made for twice as much work. I swear I don’t remember guinea pigs ever being this much work! Where the rats need more attention, the pigs are more work. I think in many ways they’re more work than cats and dogs, so if you don’t want to spend more time working for your pets than enjoying them, don’t get any pigs. I love the way they sound and the cute things they do, but all they do is cost money, eat like crazy, and take a lot of work.

What really disappointed me and even had me a bit concerned was how exhausted I was in the end. Okay, so I did do a total of maybe two and a half hours of walking when you add it all up, but still…should I have been that exhausted? Low thyroid? Age? Weight? Well, I may be getting up there in years and a bit low on thyroid but I’m not that big and I do keep active, so I don’t know what my problem was. I felt winded and slightly weak but after letting myself rest for a while I was a little better. Just not awake enough to really do anything else. I didn’t even feel like checking in with people on social media/apps or whatever. I just crawled into bed and listened to my book until I fell asleep.

This has me more determined to be even more active so that Alcatraz doesn’t end up knocking me on my ass. It’s just weird, though, as I’m not that low on thyroid, I’m certainly not that old, and I’m not that fat. Just a little bit of each.

Had a dream that I won a “fancy” screen door, so naturally, I’m wondering if this means a win is right around the corner because I almost always learn I’ve won something after having a win dream. It was a weird-looking screen door with these shelves or baskets or whatever but nothing we could use. So Tom called some people to see if they wanted it. Then the dream ended with me saying I would definitely enter even more sweeps. I rarely win what I dream I won, especially since I doubt any such door exists, but seldom does it not mean anything. If it doesn’t, I’m probably going to hang up sweeping again because one of my 3 main email accounts is being overrun with spam. If it does turn out to mean anything and I do win something and therefore keep entering, I’ll use another email address that rarely gets used and let that one get overrun with spam generated from sweeps.

The day before yesterday we went to Sam’s and that was surprisingly peaceful for once. Didn’t hear nearly as much loud beeping from their stupid forklifts.

He has tomorrow off and we’re going to West Sacramento. Probably going to hit the pool as well since we’re in for some triple-digit temps. Today will mostly be spent walking and writing.

Noticed Mr. Twenties unfriended me on Facebook. He hasn’t been very active on there for quite a while because of privacy issues or so that’s at least what he says. I wonder how long it will be before Carolyn unfriends me as well? It might be because he’s not into it but I think more than likely it’s that I’m too different than they are but that’s okay. No hard feelings whatever his reason.

Burned my first 125 calories of the day. I’m aiming for 400. Of course I’m not going to lose weight, but it’s definitely going to get me in even better shape. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with a sore hip today so that much is good.

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2019 Tom met “Santa Claus” the other day when getting the mail but forgot his real name. He has a business dressing up as Santa and looks the part too, with his long white beard. He’s skinny, though, and lives down the street. I think I’ve seen him. Pretty sure he moved in next to Jim.

I’ve been having issues with excessive hunger for a while now and while I know PMS and pregnancy can make you hungry, I couldn’t understand why I was hungry so often so I looked, and sure enough, it’s yet another symptom of going into menopause. I’m just about convinced that menopause causes everything except for one to get rich. I really am.

Ended up tossing down nearly 2,000 calories yesterday but surprisingly, I woke up the same weight as the day before. I wasn’t even very active yesterday either. Decided that weight gain, if that’s what’s going to happen, is worth ending my constant hunger so I’m just going to eat when my body feels it needs to and leave it at that. If I gain, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I’m just tired of always having to hold back.

Read this article about how difficult it’s supposed to be to lose weight after menopause and when I think about it, I can only think of a few people over 50 that have lost weight and that was only because something was wrong. I’ve known it wasn’t coming off until I became old or God forbid ill, but being hungry all the time isn’t worth trying to keep more from coming on. So from now on, I eat when I’m hungry. No more holding out. My blood pressure may go up and I may not be as healthy and I may get the neck knockers I had last night, but at least I won’t be hungry anymore!

Aly and I were talking about this 10-year-old girl named Viv whom she nannies for at times and how her mother seems to be attracted to abusive men. Then she mentioned that Molly is the same way and seems to prefer those that treat her like shit. Well, I don’t know Vivian’s mother but it’s hard to feel sorry for Molly when she’s hurt so many people. To me, this is just karma coming back at her.

It was unusually chilly the night before last when we went out for a walk late at night. Another unusual thing for this time of year is that I can hear the freeway. It’s like summer just doesn’t want to stay. We’re in for triple-digit soon so maybe it will stick around a while then.

The planes have been horrible. We definitely need to get out of flight paths. What I don’t understand is why we became one after four years of living here. I would have noticed such excessive flying had it been an issue prior to that. The only things I heard excessively before that were small planes, military jets, and helicopters. The commercial planes didn’t start driving me crazy until last September. Early mornings and late nights are especially bad and the temperature doesn’t seem to have any effect on it. For some reason, they chose us to be a new flight path and I swear I wasn’t kidding when I said that each and every place I live in gets progressively noisier. It’s never been the other way around and it’s never held steady either. I just think it’s fucking ridiculous that we’re the only ones in the world that can’t move for years. Tom assures me there are plenty of others who can’t move right when they want to. For over half a decade, though? No, I’m sorry. This only happens to us. With everyone else, it’s weeks or months at the most. Not years. So as much as I’ve come to hate this country for a lot of reasons, we definitely need to stay in it. It would be hard enough to get back out of Florida if we decided we didn’t like it, so imagine how many years it would take to get out of another country! It’s like something up there has always been obsessed with me being in places I didn’t want to be in or had grown tired of. This started in my childhood…the Brattleboro Retreat, Valleyhead… Wouldn’t God just fucking love me if I stayed here forever? The thing is that I know that whatever’s cursing me with noise is going to ruin the next place, too. The best I can do is focus on a nicer climate and a newer place. Not what’s around it.

What I don’t get about the mama’s boy’s parents is why they ever moved here. Their son would obviously love to live with them for the rest of their lives and I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t mind that at all. So why come here then? Tom says it’s because it’s cheaper but so are other mobile parks, including those for all ages.

For some reason, the year 2022 comes to mind as far as us moving. Had a dream a while back that suggested September would be the month but if it’s going to take that long, we may as well stay till he reaches full retirement on the 1st of 2024. Either way, we’ve got a long way to go.

I tested the last Echo Dot we got which is white, and this time it didn’t hiss on words with S sounds in them when reading my book, but the speaker sounds awful. It’s like listening to someone talk from another room. So I brought the Dot back into the bedroom and paired it back up with the remote.

The cocoon wasn’t really making much of a difference, and while it’s easy for me to say I don’t care what this place looks like anymore since it’s not our forever home, that doesn’t mean I want to see something that hideously weird and ugly looking either. So we’re thinking of adding a canopy to the bed because that way I wouldn’t have to move any soundproofing material or anything we draped over it when making the bed. I think that would look nice actually, and I could cover it with something more decorative. It would make the room look smaller but who cares about that?

Again I had another positive and detailed dream about my mother and again it makes me wonder. Another dimension? Her reaching out from beyond? Simply a dream? Nothing changes either way. I could never forgive her. Not even if she were suddenly alive again. As I said, if you dump me or give me a reason to dump you, I don’t do do-overs. Once you’re out of my life that’s the way it stays.

In the dream, I’m not sure if I ever knew Tom or not but I was definitely single. I was my real age but mom seemed younger. She’d just been released from the hospital and I ran up to greet her when someone dropped her off at her house. I told her I had been worried about her and she promised that she would take better care of herself from now on.

Then it was her birthday again and we were supposed to go somewhere where someone was throwing her a party. She was driving us there but then we ended up in a hotel.

It was in the evening and I had a cold and wished we could hurry up and get the party over with so I could go to bed. One of the guinea pigs was on the floor and hopped over to the door when voices could be heard out in the hall. I first thought it was the people throwing mom the party but then their voices faded away.

I told Mom that I wanted to ask her some personal questions when she had a chance. I was going to ask her about changing hormones and some things about how we change as we age.

Then it was daytime and we were at the beach in Connecticut. I sat on the shore for a few minutes and then slowly waded out into the water for a quick dip.

Then it was nighttime again and we were back in the hotel room. I still felt like I had a cold, too. Mom turned off the lights, put on some music, and lay down in her bed. I got up from the other bed to ask her what was going on next and she gently took my hand in the dark and said she was tired of waiting and wasn’t even going to turn the music down so she could hear the phone if anyone called.

Was just about to post this when Tom got up and updated me on Pawandeep. She had her adenoids removed before going home to India for a while. When she returned it was found that her TSH went from a 4 to 0, so she’s to go back down to 50s. I was surprised they’d up her to 75s from a 4 as it was. Even more surprised to learn she never had thyrotoxic symptoms as I did as high as a 3. She lost more weight too, but she’s young and her throat is super sore. Tom had his own adenoids removed when he was a kid and said it was horrible.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2019 Decided to block the girls after all. Like with Lisa, I don’t need any reminders of their existence when they swap comments with Tammy, and this way I confirm that this is the way it stays. Sure, they could call or email me but they’d only do that if Tammy died and maybe not even then.

Slept better and longer so I feel more rested today. I’m enjoying another calm day and I didn’t experience any sodium neck knockers either.

I’m exactly 25 years in the past as far as my secondary PB account goes. I’ve left this one open to comments but haven’t received any yet. I’m also matching dates. So that means I posted June 7, 1994. Next entry for that year is on the 9th, so I’ll post that in two days. LOL

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2019 I thought I was going to have some anxiety today but I’m okay. Nothing yesterday either.

Just had to take a baby Benadryl because my forearm is itching like crazy. Not even hydrocortisone cream is helping it. One of the pigs or rats was climbing on me and scratched me a couple of days ago.

The Twenties had to have been pissed yesterday morning when the fucking cock came roaring in at 6:45, no doubt waking them up. Waiting for the first brave soul to finally get fed up enough to take a bat to the fucking thing but know it will never happen. Besides, Joy has their backs either way. The only way you can get away with violating the rules as often as they have is to have a friend in the office. That much is obvious even if Joy hadn’t retaliated on me or the Twenties for complaining. They’ll be here as long as we are no matter what they do.

I think of Tammy and what she’s going through in her park and it’s funny while it’s not. I warned her this would happen. I warned her that adult communities aren’t what they used to be. Things change. People change. And these places are anything but peaceful these days that I don’t even know why they bother to exist. I can’t imagine shit like this happening on Nettles Island when my parents lived there. I just can’t.

Speaking of them and living places, I had a weird dream about my mother last night that had me wondering when I realized the date. In the dream, she was acting totally different than she would in real life. I must have been single because I was all excited about her getting me an apartment in this luxury building she lived in.

Well, first of all, she would never want me living close to her. Hell, she wouldn’t even let me have her fucking phone number for quite a while. This is the kind of shit I would laugh off when I was younger but later came to resent and see it for the insulting act that it truly was.

Nonetheless, she was totally different in the dream. She was relaxed, she was joking, and she was just plain nice.

Jokingly I asked, “Is it wrong to feel safer moving into the same building your mother lives in even when you’re supposed to be tough at your age?”

She assured me it wasn’t wrong and then teasingly said, “You were never tough.”

I laughed and said it sounded funny the way she said that.

Then she took me into what looked like a small eatery of some kind that was on the ground floor. We were to meet with the manager or something like that.

By the counter was a pool with glass walls, and I excitedly exclaimed how much I loved those things as I thought of how exciting it would be to live in such a fancy building with modern stuff. I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes.

Then I woke up and realized there was something familiar about the date. Today my mother would have been 87 years old. Weird coincidence or not? Some people believe that the dead communicate with us through our dreams but I’m still not convinced we live on after death. I just don’t know.

Woke up very tired because I slept shitty. Yeah, I’m on that cycle again and expect it to go on for days before I’m sleeping better again. I woke up twice to pee and a million other times for nothing. Incredibly, even though I was “unbudded,” traffic didn’t wake me up.

I probably shouldn’t have gotten the fried food I got on the way back from the ENT, which was quick as usual. Won’t see her again for a year. Eating shitty food after eating healthy might have had a part in why I didn’t sleep well. I’m sure it definitely had a part in the very noticeable neck knockers I had with all the sodium in those chicken nuggets and fries.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2019 Tammy has been very understanding as far as her narcissistic brats go. She admits that she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but because they’re adults they do have the right to decide who they want in their lives.

I appreciate that she isn’t taking sides and understands where we’re both coming from and doesn’t try to push anyone one way or the other. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was only cut off by the girls because I said things they didn’t want to hear. So my conscience is clear and I don’t feel guilty in any way shape or form as I had just as much right to express myself as they did. I’m actually kind of glad they’ve cut ties with me because it’s easier this way. They’re too sensitive and emotional in the wrong kind of way so now I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells because they have to be so damn fragile. It isn’t just that they’re overly fragile or sensitive but more that they’re just very selfish individuals. They have a problem with what others say but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying what they want to say.

Oh, life’s little sensitives. rolls eyes Don’t you just love them? They’re still young so maybe they’ll grow up a little eventually. Even if they do, though, I don’t do do-overs. I used to, but not anymore. So if they decide 5, 10 years down the road that they’d like to reconnect with me, it’s too late. Consider me a train. When traveling Amtrak and stepping off for a smoke or something, if you don’t get back on that train when it takes off, it will not stop to take you back.

I may not feel any guilt or shame where they’re concerned, but last night I sure ended up feeling the worst I’ve felt since beginning this dosage experiment just over 8 weeks ago. What’s next, a period?

I was definitely more than just a little on edge. I feel a bit crushed, heartbroken, and kind of devasted, too. I now have absolutely no clue what could be causing it, though I agree with Tom in that it’s probably multiple things. All I do know for sure is that I definitely had problems when I first went on 75s and when I took 88s. That couldn’t be more obvious than it was.

But now I’m thinking it’s more likely tied in with going into menopause, a condition I happened to acquire, things going on like noise and sleep issues, or maybe there’s even something cursing this house. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something bad about this place. Some kind of negative energy in the area. That one seems the least likely so I guess all I can do is hope it’s tied in with changing hormones and someday it will go away even if it’s looking less likely the longer I have it. It would be especially devasting if I had it 6-12 months after being officially menopausal.

I’ll probably just have to deal with it when it hits and enjoy the days that it doesn’t. So far today I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 5 hours and it tends to set in more towards the middle of my day. I still think there could be a connection with drug brands too, but just like I one day had to accept that I would never lose weight and that being heavy is simply the older me, I might have to accept that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life. I guess if I could adapt to being fat and even become comfortable with it the more familiar it got, I will eventually do the same with the anxiety. It’s me. Just like having a deformed ear is me.

That fake ear canal has 9 hours before it’s properly cleaned. Yeah, nothing like having your sleep broken up due to a nightmare, waking up tired, even if I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, and then having a million hours before your appointment.

In the dream, I was sitting on the edge of an airbed. Tammy was in the room as I looked at a remote I held in my hand that said it was low on air. So I blew it up a bit and then checked the remote. It’s still said it was low on air, so I began to blow it up again. Initially, only the head of the bed began to rise and my first thought was that one of the inner walls had burst. But in just a few seconds, the bed curled upward and wrapped around me, squeezing me in its center. Sandwiched in as tightly as I was, I couldn’t work the remote that was still clutched in my hand in order to release the air. I awoke hoping Tammy would run and grab a pair of scissors and start cutting me out of the thing before I could suffocate to death.

So not a nice dream at all. :-(

Saw an ad for the Chernobyl series on HBO and forgot that we have HBO. It’s part of our internet package. So I began watching it. What a horrifying tragedy!

I’m also absolutely thrilled that for once we’re going to start controlling men’s bodies instead of just women by castrating child molesters. Only, I don’t think just “certain” child molesters should be castrated. I think all sex offenders of all kinds should be regardless of the age of their victims. But this is a start! Now let’s see how they like having their bodies controlled and being told what they can and can’t do with them.

I’m just wondering when women are going to finally fight back. If they keep sitting and letting men tell them what they can and can’t do, they’ll keep being taken advantage of. Sometimes you really do have to step on people to get ahead. Marching in parades while chanting and twirling signs isn’t going to do it. Physically going after these politicians and putting them in their place is what’s going to ultimately lead to their freedom. Once they make an example out of the bastards that are controlling them, this is what’s going to send the right message to future politicians and remind them of what can happen if they even think of jumping in the driver’s seat of a woman’s reproductive rights.

Anyway, other than being a little tired tonight, I’m still having some head pressure upon standing up, neck knockers, lightheadedness and that strange vibration I get in my head at times.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2019 Okaaayyy, I have done my part and I guess this is it. We can send messages to people but we can’t make them reply. If my nieces want nothing to do with me, I will respect their wishes and fuck right off, but this is the way it stays. :) Once you step out of my life or I put you out of it, you don’t get back in. I don’t go back and forth, I don’t “fight” for people, I don’t do dramatics, etc. Out of respect for Tammy, I have refrained from really speaking my mind, not that it would change anything other than to perhaps let me vent and get some things off my chest since they seem to be very Kim-like in that they can do no wrong as far as they’re concerned.

As I said, I don’t want any drama. So best to simply return the silent treatment and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s okay to consider other people’s feelings before considering our own and that’s what I’m going to do in this case, but only for now. Someday I fully do intend to share a piece of my mind with the narcissistic selfish bitches no matter what.

Finished Slasher last night and was surprised at who the Druid turned out to be. Just didn’t expect them to be black and I’m sure the producers got called out on that one, but I like that they mix things up. More realistic that way.

The last few nights have been quiet and the days have been hot and dry. Unfortunately, the temperature is going to drop 20° by Friday. :-(

Right before 8pm, I heard a guy shout in what sounded like a panicked and angry voice. My first thought was Mr. Twenties getting run over again, but then I looked out the front window and saw two guys and a woman entering the circle on bikes. I didn’t see the first biker but the other guy and woman seemed younger and my first thought was that it was the punk with the loud car and his father and sister. But they never re-entered the circle after leaving it unless they did so without shouting at each other, and I haven’t heard the car, so I guess it wasn’t them.

Slept great but last night I was slightly on edge. Didn’t feel as good as I did the night before but tonight I’m feeling okay so far. Still not having anything that literally constitutes being anxious so that much is good. My next milestone goal is to get to August. That’s when I go from being 60% hopeful to 80%. Still don’t want to get my hopes up too high but it’s looking good so far. It’s been 8 months since my last period and while I don’t want to get my hopes up with that either, that’s looking good, too. :-)

Because I fucked up and left the 11th on the calendar for seeing Amy when it was really bumped up to the 14th, he’s got both of those days off. During the 11th we’re going to take Candy for a little test drive and see what it’s like using the free charging stations. We won’t go very far, of course, but maybe up to Auburn or something.

Oh, the joys of having ADD. Really getting impatient with the book I’m writing so even if it’s not always a good thing to do, I’m going to rush it along and get it done and over with so I can get bored with another story during July’s Camp NaNo, LOL.

The waterless small animal shampoo arrived. It leaked a little but the bottle is still full. The baby powder scent is lovely. I don’t know if the rats care one way or the other, but the pigs seem to like it.

Fuzzy used to sit on my shoulder as I’d open the fridge to get his cheese. Now he jumps into the fridge and tries to help himself, haha!

Digital Expressions is shutting down after 17 years. Never wrote much there anyway since I didn’t like their text editor much. It replaced apostrophes with these funny symbols and I can’t do anything “privately” while still being public since people always find me. As I’ve said before, if I want someone to know I signed up wherever, I would tell them. Sometimes I just like to write for a different group of people and see how they react. That ain’t happening unless I create a bogus email account and join in a bogus name and that’s just not worth it to me. So I’ll likely be just MO or private in most places.

Aly didn’t deactivate her Ask account but I did. Why get questions I’m going to have a hard time answering due to their shit? Maybe Ask will sell the damn site someday to someone better equipped to handle all the traffic and that won’t need to resort to tactics that will drive users away.

Meanwhile, we’re both on CC now and I suspect Kim is, too.

“Do you worry a lot about things?”

This was a question I was asked anonymously that smacks of Kim.

I asked Aly if she wanted me to identify myself when asking her questions and she said I didn’t have to because she could usually tell what was from me. To this, she added a grinning emoji, and again I wondered just how she’s able to make me on so many things. But I also don’t see how she could hack my account and find that info either. We can’t keep track of the things we’ve asked others. Aly would have to hack Ask itself in order to find that info out. Could she do something like that and get away with it? Would she do it if she could? I would think that would be awfully risky but who knows? The only other way she could find this out would be to hack my computer and I would think my virus protection would have picked up on that by now, but I’m not a computer expert. She knows more about this kind of thing than I do.

But yeah, she really makes me wonder at times. Maybe she’s psychic or unusually intuitive because there were times, after all, when I mentioned sensing someone on Ask who knows us, and she said she got that feeling, too. Well, if she could just hack Ask and find out, why not do that? And why disallow anonymous comments as she did for a while, saying she wanted to know who was asking what? So she’s probably just very intuitive or a lucky guesser.

Started unsubscribing from sweeps because I just don’t win often enough for it to be worth wading through all the spam. It’s like the sponsors take advantage of entrants and see it as a legal opportunity to spam the shit out of them. Besides, getting other people’s “congratulations” really gets to me. I don’t know why, but I fucking hate that. It’s just so rude and unnecessary to congratulate someone on someone else’s win and get them all excited for nothing. Only the real winners should be notified. Not everyone entered the contest.

Learned what a “gold star” lesbian is, LOL, when pouring through some questions and answers on CC. I guess it’s a lesbian who has never been with a man and never intends to be either.

I still consider myself technically bi because I have been attracted to some men here and there. Just not as many men as women. You know you’re growing old, though, when the thought of being liked by someone you consider gorgeous doesn’t excite you the way it would years ago. I don’t think I’d feel anything at all.

I still watch random videos before bed when I’m unwinding and I’ve browsed through many videos of stories where people claim to have gone to heaven while others go to hell. I just never know whether or not they’re true stories, hallucinations, or maybe they’re just making it all up.

I still worry about an afterlife existing even though I would prefer for there to be absolutely nothing at all. Still don’t know if there is one, but the possibility concerns me because if there is a hell, how do I know that’s where I won’t end up? Well, I guess when these dark possibilities worry me, I just try to reassure myself that there’s just as much chance of me ending up in a good place as there is a bad one.

Then there’s the debate on how humanity will end. Most scientists and laureates believe it will end due to the population rising and environmental degradation.

I disagree. I believe it’ll end by their second guess… Nuclear war. I think climate change, environmental damage and disease are actually what would be the case if not for a nuclear war. So I think their second guess is most likely and their first guess is the next likely.

I can’t say when this war will happen, but I think it’s about a hundred years away. I don’t think it will happen until technology advances so far that just a few bombs are all it takes to destroy humanity. Right now, the people crazy enough to start shit don’t quite have the power to do much harm. The biggest threat is from the Middle East and North Korea. They’re even crazier than Trump. Trump is too selfish to spite himself in order to spite others in that he wouldn’t be willing to kill everybody in the world if it meant killing himself as well. Once the most advanced weapons get into the wrong hands is when worldwide chaos, death and destruction will occur. And yes, there are plenty of people who will kill themselves and their families to kill others.

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2019 Coming up on 8 weeks without any serious anxiety! Just a touch on edge here and there. So now I have a faint glimmer of hope that while hormones may still be a factor, the brand and dose were also issues. I’d now say there’s a 60% chance it was.

Traffic woke me up once when I temporarily took the buds out during my sleep, though I still slept well overall and feel rested. Figured the cocoon was a waste of time and money, though.

Okay, here’s what I’m going to do regarding Becky and Sarah. It’s Becky’s birthday today. I’ll wish her a happy birthday in a DM and will do the same for Sarah on September 14th. After that, if I don’t hear from them, we’re done. They’ll never hear from me again unless it’s to give them a piece of my mind. I don’t expect to tell them how I really feel, though, as long as Tammy’s alive and we’re connected. It’s only out of respect for her that I don’t let the narcissistic, selfish brats in on what I’m really thinking.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 2019 Fed up with the issues they have, Aly and I left Ask for Curious Cat. Since she asked me one of her answers to a question I asked her anonymously, again I wonder if she’s hacked my account. But she’d have to hack more than that to know I asked it. Ask doesn’t have a ‘sent’ section of any kind. So as I’ve asked a million times before, how does she know certain questions are from me no matter how I write them, and how did she really find my old PB account?

Let’s see her find Just Too Funny. I deleted the one she found and created this one for paraphrased entries. I used a real email addy and my real name but this time I blocked every account of hers I could think of and set it to MO.

This is just too weird. After a nice hot dry day, It’s raining. Steadily but not really pouring. Strange for this time of year but despite the rain and wearing the wrong glasses, I rode down and tossed the old bread by the lake for the ducks to have for breakfast if it holds up in the rain. My HR was pounding when I got in but settled down at a reasonable pace. There are tons of hills here and I was going fast, like 15-20 MPH.

Tom was walking the rent down to the office when he spotted a couple of ducks fucking a few houses down. LOL, too funny.

He chatted with Mr. Twenties when he and Mrs. Twenties were passing out the Crier. They chatted about the car and other things.

I’ve been sleeping surprisingly well even though Tom said it was noisy today with loud trucks, landscaping and helicopters. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m not kidding when I say this place makes the noisiest of places I’ve lived in seem comatose. It sucks here most of the time. It’s not even quiet at night usually. So far so good tonight, though.

Ran out to Rite-Aid earlier and grabbed a few things. Got a 4-pack of Merlot from a brand I’ve never tried before called Sutter Home. It tastes exactly like Barefoot’s.

I also got Maybelline’s new 24-hour lipstick that’s two-sided. First you brush the color on and then there’s a wax seal. I’m liking it so far. I got a subtle pinkish color that doesn’t really stand out but is just obvious enough to notice.

The cocoon is now in beta testing, though I’m still going to use the buds since I’m only a few days away from an appointment.

SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 2019 Just like last night, I thought I was heading for a new round of anxiety, but I still seem to be holding steady. Maybe not quite as calm as I’d like but nothing serious. At least not yet. I’m less than two days from the ultra-critical zone of the experiment I’ve been doing. I’m only taking a full dose once a week.

Last night I was really cold and tonight I’m just the opposite. I’ve always been sensitive to cold and get cold easily and I’m still hot flashing, but some of the cold may be low thyroid. Can’t really say for sure. I understand, though, that if I can still be experiencing hot flashes, I suppose it makes sense that I could feel some anxiety. I just hope it doesn’t get so bad that it morphs into depression and feelings of hopelessness! I also hope it will get less and less as I become postmenopausal.

Been working non-stop on various pet and household tasks for the last 8 or 9 hours. Getting them out of the way so I can enjoy the weekend whether I end up tired or not.

Nothing woke me up today but my bladder. Got up to pee in the middle of my sleep and had trouble falling back asleep so I slept a little later than expected and pushed myself to get up at 3:30 because I didn’t want my schedule jumping too fast. It would be good for my ENT but not for my dermatologist.

I’m only slightly tired today, though. But sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I’m going to wake up a million times due to whatever or whoever, and I’m going to be too tired to do much. So that’s why I’m glad to have things done and out of the way, like laundry and things like that.

Tomorrow he’s going to pick up a special kind of glue at Lowe’s for the finishing touches of the soundproofing drape or cocoon or whatever you want to call it. Again, even if the Bose had been comfortable enough to sleep with (they’re slightly too big for me), they do a great job masking high-frequency sounds but nothing to mask lower ones like the hum of an air conditioner, traffic, snoring, etc.

Not sure if I’m going to work on my story tonight but I’m still enjoying Slasher even though the producer obviously went out of their way to do everything to make non-whites look good and whites look bad. Typical of today to make whites look like evil haters when more of them hate us these days than we hate them.

Proud of myself for continuing to learn to cook, even if they’re relatively simple things that anyone could make. I’m keeping away from the more intricate dishes like casseroles and things like that.

I sauteed mushrooms in margarine, onions, a touch of garlic salt, and some Worcester sauce. Went great with my tilapia. :)

Got sunflower butter for the first time and it’s pretty weird. Tom even tried it, too. It looks like peanut butter but it’s runny. Although it’s a thick glob, you could pour it out of its jar as I did into my smoothie. I love sunflower seeds but I’m not sure I like this. I’m just weird like that. Love tomatoes, but hate tomato soup. Love OJ, but can’t stand oranges or anything that smells orangy.

Adding a bit of carbs to my diet is helping with hunger.

So glad we’re finally hitting the 90s! Should warm up the pool nicely. :) Just disappointed that the warmer weather isn’t canceling out the planes like it does the freeway. It’s better than when it’s cooler and windy but still not like it was before last fall when only small planes and helicopters were annoying.

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