#how I am unable to comprehend that people enjoy talking to me

[el-loy]

Along with the latest pic I've always wanted to share why ch12 is my favourite AK chapter, because... I've never actually talked about it, I guess? I know quite a lot of people regard this chapter as boring, slow-paced, overall skippable and uninteresting. But it is as “boring” as Remarque, as Hemingway, as any of the authors who wrote about the reality of war are. “All quiet on the western front” is literally in its title yet perhaps people expected something else from it, thus were left disappointed. Though blaming anyone would be weird because we all seek different things from the media we engage with. Ch12 matched my personal preferences and what I usually seek.

By default I am somewhat detached when reading fictional stories, while I'm able to appreciate a good plot, well-written dialogues and interactions, ideas etc. I can't always immerse in them in such a way that I can feel the moment. I often struggle with sympathizing with fictional characters, and when it's a piece of media like arknights I am completely unable to sympathize with the main characters who'll make it no matter what (the reason why Kal's “death” in ch15 didn't affect me). I have a hard time “feeling” the stories where everything is so grandiose, so pretentious and extra – I can't connect with that pretentiousness, it makes me laugh.

But there are things that never fail to touch me deeply – it's the stories that essentially boil down to the topic of loneliness and insignificance of a person in the eyes of history and Universe. And also I like finding something real and genuine in a media where I don't quite expect it. (Everyone liked ch14 for example, and it was good indeed, but to me it was something I expected: action-wise, emotion-wise, atmosphere-wise, that's why it failed to impress me and resonate with me on the same level ch12 did). Ch12 stood out to me for the exact reasons other ppl dislike it. It is slow-paced, heavy, hopeless, introspective. I think a lot about death and I seek media that explore this topic. I enjoy long monologues and I love existential themes, because it is what concerns me personally. I love authenticity. I need to feel what I'm reading/watching is real regardless of whether it's sci-fi, fantasy or, well, realism. And I am enjoying a story way more when it has the room to “think along”(?). Because of all this – I got to “feel” this chapter. And on the deepest level I felt it within the Damazti&Golding subplot. “Goodnight Golding” scene is legit one of my favourite ones in the whole AK, it was peak to me, it resonated with me, it touched me. Not because of the fact that Golding died, but because of the solemn atmosphere surrounding that moment, the melancholy, the crushing emptiness. Not because it was “heartbreaking”, but because it was hauntingly beautiful, how the Damazti shared that moment with her and how lonely it felt in relation to both characters. This is what sold them both to me, 'cause when a story explores such loneliness I can't help but love it and the characters involved. “I'm just so tired” lands heavier than any tragic deathbed speech and to me feels much more genuine. From what I've seen so far (maybe I'm just so unlucky) Golding is mostly being either overlooked in the fandom or actively disliked. People fail to remember her name and comprehend the meaning of her character. But this is exactly what she is about. She's essentially a “little man”, hers – is a perspective of an ordinary person without any superpowers, caught in the war, struggling, questioning the meaning of her work. When speaking about literature she also mentioned “I wasn't very attached to the protagonists, but I was indeed obsessed with those deaths.” And by “those deaths” she refers to heroic sacrifices for the sake of the protagonist which mesmerized her in the past. She used to imagine herself making a similar sacrifice, but she's not a hero. She's just a person, so very human, who made a very human mistake. Just a number in the statistics, but ch12 is all about such people. Fiction like that draws attention to them and lets us experience their fates too. Now, I didn't particularly care about the Damazti's character before ch12, but it's specifically their interactions with Golding that allowed me to rediscover them. Just how the writers draw our attention to the less fortunate and less heroic fates, the Damazti's attention, too, is not on the grand goals and personalities, they're searching for meaning and they don't shy away from doing it among the ordinary people, experiencing their lives and feelings. In that relation, to me Golding and Damazti are kind of like “a war fiction character” (/a typical ordinary ch12 char) and “the reader” who focuses on the said character. Just for comparison how they brush Eblana off with “you're too shallow, there's nothing to talk about with you” and their curiosity towards a simple teacher. Like, you read it and you get what kind of character they are. And it's my favourite kind.

As much as I enjoyed the Damazti's interactions with Logos, as much as I love their friendly dynamic, it's utterly unfair that all the credits regarding the former's char development usually go to him. Logos listened to them and suggested a solution to which the Damazti agreed precisely because of how Golding had influenced them. It's through her they could somewhat touch that feeling of “being human”. To them Golding is not just some name to get lost in their thousand-year-old memory, not a number in the statistics, but a person, a friend. And I can't help but be captivated by this. That's why I really wish Golding was appreciated more, (honestly along with the Damazti and ch12 in general) but I understand it's unrealistic, so I guess I'll just keep drawing stuff and providing on that front👍🏻👍🏻🤓

[pixlpxie]

Hi Pixie!

I'd like to thank you for your openness about sexual things, needs and fantasies, as it greatly helped me accept my own sexual side.

I've always had quite high libido, I get aroused easily and I've always been really into porn, my friends also know me to be "the pervy friend" just based on my humour and general horniness, but even though it's something I can laugh at, I still often feel shame at myself and at the feelings I have.

The feeling that I shouldn't be having these thoughts, that I am somehow flawed and disgusting, that there's something wrong with me because I am so "feral", it just wouldn't leave me alone and it was something I was extremely embarrassed by and I feared that people would find me to be some deranged sexual lunatic.

I went through sexual abuse in my childhood, and accepting that side of me has always been really hard, but you've helped me a lot - to realise that such things are normal and there's nothing shameful about them. That this is all perfectly natural, that it doesn't make me disgusting or wrong or tainted to have sexual needs, that I am allowed to explore kinks and take pleasure from fantasies.

So for that, thank you so much.

I'm sorry for the long message and oversharing, but it always goes through my mind when I see the anon hate you get, people calling you disgusting and such and how effortlessly you shoot them down and laugh at them, absolutely unapologetic.

I wish all those people realised that it's extremely important to have spaces where you can comfortably share these feelings and thoughts, that it should be normalised to talk about sex and sexual needs and that the taboo of it isn't right, especially when it comes to female pleasure. Purity culture isn't cute and women are also people with needs.

Spaces like this help people realise that they aren't wrong or broken for their natural instincts, whether they've been brought up in religious circles or went through abuse, what you're doing on your platform is important to many who thought they were alone in these feelings and feared to talk about it, because they were afraid they would be called weird and disgusting for having a functional body that demands certain things that are natural and healthy.

Thank you very much <3

Ok let me go cry real quick and ill be back 😮‍💨

I had to read this a few times because i usually cant see what i do here as something that could help people so reading this was so valuable, truly it means the world to me. First of all I'm so sorry for what happened to you, you didn't deserve any of that and I hope you are doing well know 🥺💓 you will do even better 🥹🫶🏻

Having a high libido, different sexual desires and needs are totally normal but even to this day it's treated like a taboo like you said. And trust me i know how it feels like to be that pervy friend, it's exactly like the way you described. Almost in every social group im the one who's too much, too freaky, or too 'different'. My friends are so fun and you can always talk abt pervy stuff with them sure but at the end of the day I am always the weird one because usually i know or say stuff that get them a little horrified. Its all fun and games till it starts to get to you, I had to sit down and think why I am the way I am many times because like you said, something must have been wrong with me. Because why would I enjoy things that my friends don't?

Turns out everything's fine and you shouldn't really bother knowing why. It's okay, it's normal, in fact it's healthy. So the hate I get seems so childish to me and honestly it's fun atp. Sex and kinks are natural, they're human. Everyone will enjoy different things, some will like it more plain and simple while some will like more kinky things. You're not disgusting for enjoying things that the majority don't. Sexuality is fluid and endless, you will keep exploring it throughout your entire life and be as fierce as you can while doing it🫶🏻

Like I said, I am usually unable to comprehend the effect my blog has on people but reading your ask and other similar ones make me feel so many emotions. I never thought my blog would be a safe space for you guys 🥹 Please know that you are always welcome on this blog, we can talk about anything you want and I'll always try my best to help you. And please don't ever be sorry for 'oversharing' or writing 'long' asks bc trust me it's not oversharing or long for me. I love being here with you guys and I hope you know that you mean so much to me🥹😭💓

[bleachanimefan1]

The Midnight Masquerade Part 11

His Butler, Competition,

Sebastian was preparing dinner and Agni was helping him. Cassandra helped them as well. She wanted to know more about this strange man, who could match against Sebastian's strength.

"Hey, Agni, how did you end up with Soma?" She asked. Agni blinked, stopping what he was doing and smiled.

"My family was part of the highest caste system in India. However, things were not as they seem and the me who grew up seeing my father swarmed by material goods and desires and had no faith in God. I took advantage of my status and committed sins every day. I kept hurting people and going against God. That day my crimes finally caught up with me and I had to pay for them. I was to be executed. In front of me the one who have no lingering affection for this world, no faith in God. In front of me, who was ready to throw everything away and accept death, was Prince Soma. He freed me and made me the person that I am today. He allowed me to realize that God do exists inside of him. That day I definitely saw a God emitting holy light inside the prince's body! Even if it costs me my life, I will protect the prince who gave me a new reason to live. I want to fulfill his wishes in any way I can!" Agni finished.

"He sounds like a great person." Cassandra told him.

"Sure, that is if Gods in this reality really exist." Sebastian murmured, quietly.

"Did you say something?" Agni asked.

"No, no, not a thing." Sebastian smiled.

The three helped set up the table and prepared the food, placing it down. Cassandra sat down and began to eat a little, looking over at Soma.

"So, this woman, Mina, who is she to you?" Cassandra asked him.

"She was my servant ever since I was born. You can say she was like a nanny. We have been together for as long as I can remember. My father had no time or interest in me and my mother was only after my father's attention. I was always alone at the castle. But Mina was always by my side. She's cheerful, pretty, and taught me a lot of things, just like an older sister would." Cassandra stared at him, silently. He must have been very lonely. She can relate to that. Besides Undertaker there wasn't really anyone who she could really talk to. Other than...she bit her lip.

No! Why was she thinking about them now!?

Then Soma slammed his fist down, hard on the table, causing it to shake a little, snapping Cassandra out of her thoughts, startling her a little. "However, that man...after the arrival of the English nobles, they took Mina away with them!"

"What exactly happened?" Lao asked.

"The ruler of India, Queen Victoria recognizes that Bengal enjoys political autonomy. But, in fact, more than half of the political matters are managed by political consultants sent by England. In reality, we were just like any British-ruled colony. About three months ago, that man went to pay a visit with a political consultant. That person showed an interest in Mina, after seeing her in the caste. He took advantage of my absence while I was outside the castle on an observation and shipped Mina off to England!"

"In other words he brought her back with him to England." Ciel replied.

"Correct! I'm definitely bringing her back with me!"

"All this over a female servant?"

"Mina was the only person who gave my life meaning! The castle was like an empty box without her around!" Soma shouted. "Do you know the despair I felt when Mina was taken from me!? I never felt so-"

"I don't." Ciel spoke. Soma's eyes widened and Ciel continued.

"Feelings that arises from that degree of matter, I cannot and do not wish to comprehend them!" Ciel shouted. "There some things that you can never get back, no matter how hard you try to. And there are feelings of despair that you can never shake off. You're probably unable to understand what I'm talking about."

"But even that's the case, I still do not wish to stay alone in this castle of mine." and Cassandra saw Ciel leave the room, seeing him shoot Sebastian a quick glance before he left.

The next morning, there was another attack on British nobles. Soma and Agni had left that previous night as well, which seemed very strange as well. Later that evening, Ciel, Sebastian and Cassandra, followed the two foreigners around the city, without them knowing stopping from pub after pub until nightfall came. Nothing seemed suspicious. They saw the two check into a hotel and nobody came back out after what seem like hours.

"They don't seem like bad people. Why would they stay at your manor?" Cassandra asked.

"That was my thoughts exactly." Ciel spoke.

"They appear to be look for that person." Sebastian answered. "It's getting late we should be heading back."

"Wait, look! Someone's coming out!" Cassandra whispered and pointed out. A cloaked figure came out of the hotel that Soma and Agni had checked into. It was Agni! 

"Let's follow him!" Ciel shouted. The three quickly chased after Agni, quietly, hoping he wouldn't notice them. They saw him stop in front of a noble's house and started walking up towards it. 

"Let's see what he's doing-"

"Hey!" Ciel, Cassandra, and Sebastian tensed up quickly turned their heads to see Soma running over to them. He panted as he stopped in front of them.

"You!? Why are you here!?" Ciel shouted.

"I've noticed that Agni has been acting strangely lately and saw that he was gone when I woke up. I want to know what he is up to." Soma spoke. "Please let me come with you."

"Okay, but you have to be quiet." Cassandra told him. "That means, keep your big mouth shut even if you hear or see something you don't like. Do you think you can do that?" Soma nodded.

"So, this is the house he went into?"

"This is the home of Harold West Jebb. He is involved in import of various goods. I've only met him once off duty. He is rather creepy not to mention his criminal record." Ciel explained.

"Why would Agni visit him?" Soma questioned.

"How do you think Mina end up here?" Cassandra asked. Soma's eyes widened and opened his mouth only for Cassandra to quickly cover it up.

"Remember, you said you would stay quiet no matter what happens." She told him. Soma gave a slow nod and Cassandra pulled her hand back. 

"We spent too much time talking. Let's go!" Cassandra jumped over the gate, surprising Sebastian and Ciel and Soma. Sebastian picked up Ciel and hopped over the gate. Soma struggled to climb over the walk and slipped off and fell to the ground. Cassandra quickly caught him just before he touched the ground and placed Soma down.

"I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this..." she sighed. "Maybe you should wait at the entrance-"

"Not until I find out what Agni is up to!" Soma argued and took a step forward. The was growling noises coming closer towards the group and they saw several dogs inching closer, surrounding them.

"Nice doggies-" Cassandra smiled nervously, backing up at little. One of the dogs charged at her getting ready to bite her.

"Cassandra!" Soma cried out. Cassandra quickly kicked the dog and it yelped as it was knocked back. The other two dogs charged at the group, attacking. Then they suddenly stopped in their tracks, shaking in fear. Sebastian's eyes glowed red as he glared at them. Soma blinked in confusion.

"Hey, they're backing off?"

"Such cowardly dogs, Lord West has raised." Sebastian scoffed.

Cassandra found a spare key to the door and opened it and the three quickly sneaked inside house. It was eerily quiet and there were no guards around.

"I can hear two people upstairs." Sebastian spoke and they quietly went up and saw a door slightly cracked with light coming out down the hallway. They slowly walked over and peeked inside the room. They saw Agni sitting down and another man talking to him.

"You did a good job!"

Agni stayed quiet, not answering him and the man continued and offered Agni some cigars who didn't take any, still staying quiet.

"Everything's going as planned. In one week, it will all be decided." The man smirked and grabbed Agni's right arm. "With this "right hand of God" will I realize my dream."

"If I help you accomplish this, Mina will-" Agni spoke. Cassandra quickly tried to grab Soma, to stop him, but it was too late, and he busted through the door.

"I heard you say Mina!"

"You fool!" Ciel exclaimed and Sebastian quickly covered Ciel's mouth. The other three remained hidden, listening in.

"He would recognize our faces. Let's wait it out for now."

"Agni! What is going on!? Do you know where Mina is!?" Soma shouted, walking over him and started to shake him.

"Ah, so this is your master? Agni?"

Soma shot the man a glare. "You! You're the one who kidnapped her!? Agni! Beat this guy!" he ordered. Agni didn't move from his spot. 

"Agni? What are you waiting for!?"

"Agni, throw out this fussy prince." The man smirked.

"They seem to be arguing." Sebastian murmured.

"And it seems Lord West is involved in the black market." Cassandra spoke.

"It would be nice to report to the yard but I want to watch this a little longer. I'll save that foolish prince." Ciel replied.

"But won't he recognize you?" Sebastian pointed out.

"Yep." Ciel sighed.

"Leave it to me." Sebastian stood up. Both Ciel and Cassandra looked at him confused.

"Sebastian what are you-" She stopped when she heard Soma shouting and quickly turned back, peeking through the door.

"Agni, why are you doing this!? Tell me!"

"I don't want to say anything. Please leave this place." Agni spoke. Soma blinked in shock. 

"Good kid." the man chuckled, smirking. Soma growled grabbing the noble by his vest.

"What have you done!?" Agni grabbed Soma, holding him back.

"Darn, you put a crease in my new suit." the man scowled. "Agni, beat that annoying voice out of the prince!"

"Ciel, we got to stop him-" Cassandra got up, only for Ciel to grab her wrist, stopping her.

"Not yet."

"Sebastian is taking too long!"

She saw Agni raised his hand about to slap Soma. Sebastian pushed pass Ciel and Cassandra quickly and rushed towards Agni grabbing his wrist stopping him. As he stood up everyone was shocked and surprised to see he was wearing a stuffed deer head, hiding his face.

"Who the heck is that!?" the nobel exclaimed. Sebastian turned to him, slightly bowing.

"I am here to collect the prince."

"This is one of the prince's spies!" the nobel man shouted.

"No, I am just a deer man."

"Agni! Destroy him!"

"Destroy him? I can't-" Agni stammered.

"Shut up! Do you want me to take back my promise!? I order you to do this!" the man shouted. Agni clenched his fists tightly. "Do it now!"

Suddenly, blood began to drop on the floor. Everyone was surprised to see Agni crying tears of blood. He fell to his knees.

"I only wanted to serve my God. This right hand I use only for his sake. I've chosen to...This sin of betrayal-"

"Agni, no-" Soma spoke, trying to snap him out of it.

"Please forgive me." Agni cried out and charged at Sebastian. Sebastian quickly grabbed Soma pushing them both out of the way and Agni slammed his fist into the wall, destroying it and a chest.

"I just got that!" The nobel man cried out. Sebastian dodged Agni's attacks, carrying Soma, while Agni began to destroy furniture as well in the room. Cassandra picked up Ciel who squirmed in her arms, running.

"We need to go!"

"You're causing too much commotion bring him out now!" Ciel ordered. Sebastian stopped and nodded and quickly carried Soma and broke through the window, escaping. The four quickly retreated back to the Phantomhive manor.

[fallloverfic]

@pandemonium-14 replied to your post I am legitimately confused by repeated comments that ORV's opening is slow or boring or uninteresting...:

I think the reason people say it's slow to start is because it's somewhat slow at giving glimpses what the story becomes later. I think people deep in ORV are really enamoured with its meta aspects (me included), and those aspects start paying off pretty late. Before that, Dokja's knowledge is used in a pretty normal way that can be compared to a lot of regression manhwas. I also think the start is very strong, but it doesn't actually show its hand until later.

I disagree, honestly, in part because I'm talking about both the novel and the manhwa, not just the manhwa, and I think you're giving people way too much credit for this stuff, especially since most often I heard the opening described as bad or boring compared to the "good" later parts, and I seldom if ever see people even namedrop stories that do it better or do it the same. They just describe it as, on its own, slow, bad, or boring, and unable to entice new people (even though the point of an opening is to entice people? I don't comprehend this crowd of people willing to stick around for hundreds of chapters to get to the "good" stuff). And I think that this response misses the point of my original post: even if folks love the later parts of the narrative more, the opening is good, and very good, and people framing the story as if there's nothing of goodness in the opening of ORV are incomprehensible to me.

There are probably a lot of reasons people say the series is slow to start, and this explanation is way too complex for that. The story is about companionship, what you're willing to do for other people, what you're willing to sacrifice, the complexities of contract negotiation (which is maybe boring for some folks but fascinating from a legal perspective, especially as contracts make up so much of our lives living in capitalist hellscapes), dealing with apocalyptic scenarios, the power of reading and what reading means, and a lot of other things, all of which are brought up at the start of the story. Dokja literally starts with reading his webnovel on his phone, he gets introduced properly to Sangah, he meets Gilyoung, he starts recruiting people on his team. The story gets more complex as time moves on, in part because it's a long narrative and a lot happens, and any narrative is going to gain complexity as time passes and characters grow and their stories with each other evolve. The story rewards rereads, because you actually see a lot of foreshadowing early on (you literally see Kimcom in episode 0 of the manhwa).

The meta is a big part of what people love, and I do like it, too, but I think you might be ignoring the meta that gets introduced in the first chapters. It's not for nothing the protagonist is a webnovel reader who is literally reading the end of a story at the beginning of his own story that's not really his story but was truly his story all along (and one of his past reads is another story by the author of this webnovel). In the novel Dokja tries to do what little he can to give thanks to an author who gave him something he loves, and gets attacked for it, in a way that's very familiar to folks who have been online for any amount of time. As someone who's written fiction and read fiction and enjoys art, it's heartbreaking and wonderful. There's meta about the act of streaming, and how invasive streaming and streaming audiences can be, and how demanding life as performance is. There are deep questions about what we view as heroic and villainous and why (Dokja's entire narrative, really, but also in the station demanding money for his food, even from a child, and people expecting him to give it away). There's meta about being doomed by the narrative - Dokja is doomed by his name, which he didn't pick, by an uncaring capitalist society, by just not being lucky enough generally to be good at things or even being literally doomed by a narrative because he prefers reading over self-improvement, which tanks his job prospects - right from the get-go. Like I could go on but the story's already written, I don't need to write it.

I'm sure plenty of people just love later parts of the story, which is fair, to each their own, as I said in my original post, but maybe they skimmed through or forgot the opening because to insist it only gets much better later is, in my opinion, a disservice to the opening, particularly since how long the "bad" opening section is, is quite variable, depending on which person is saying it's bad or boring or slow. Like the specific reason I never mention a cut-off is because the goalpost for where the good stuff allegedly starts keeps changing. There was one week I saw multiple people saying you had to read through hundreds of chapters to get to the "actual" good stuff! And I just... do not understand it at all. Saying you personally like later parts of a story more than earlier parts or find them likable at all is not the same as "the opening is bad because the meta I like doesn't start/unfold until [insert much later portion]" or "the opening is similar to other stories in the genre, but it gets unique later on." And it's especially annoying when, on the cusp of maybe getting two new visual adaptations of the novel, people are using this reasoning to argue that it'll be bad at attracting new folks cause the opening - the thing meant to keep people watching - is going to be too uninteresting.

Openings are not easy to make. ORV has a good one. And unless people start predicating these comments with "it's the same as other manhwa until y happens" or whatever their reasoning is, I'm going to take it at face value: they think the opening is bad/slow/boring. And while they're perfectly within their right to think so, I disagree with that as a statement, or that it should be commonly accepted that the opening is bad/slow/boring.

[anagramtransitory]

13. They’d walk me through my relationships with my actual family, and how to not be bitter, and how to accept them even though they can’t accept me. In other words, how to be a bigger and better person, as only a loving parent who understood me could. That I deserved love and support and parenting I didn’t get, and to try to let some of the shame and guilt from my resulting problems with behaving like I was raised by wolves go. Who forgives me first so I can forgive myself second. All problems I have are casualties of attempts to be perfect as quickly as possible. Only a parent very similar to me could understand what that’s about. Who could forgive me for being imperfect in the way I need to be forgiven. No one except that parent could love this mess. Not fully or truly. Who could love my problems. And the process of my growing up and not just the end product(s). So far, no one’s enjoyed any of it, I certainly haven’t. Not the process, not the end products, because I’m still not functional, and thus not worth celebrating/enjoying being. Granted in my real family no one really enjoys anything in a way I understand and can comprehend, just like the way I can’t understand and comprehend the rest of their existences, and they with mine. It’s sad, very sad. We’re just too different, and one side of the table (theirs) is unable and unwilling to talk about the things I don’t understand or comprehend in a way that makes any sense to me, that isn’t composed of accepting shitty answers, which is what I get, which is the reality, which don’t make sense so I never understand their lives of living out the embodiment of shitty answers to deep questions about why they do things or not. Oh well. There’s no one to compare myself to, there’s no one even here at all. I can rant and rave all I want about having to do everything myself, and that’s fair enough. But with this inability to function, the buck stops here. I’d like to think there’s a parallel world where this person, this parent, does exist, and they’re broadcasting their thoughts out to me. Either way, I know who I’ve got to replace. I could say there’s nothing to mourn but there is. My dad lost his mom, my mom was tormented by her dad, I wasn’t parented quite as well as I’d ideally have been, none of it is right or okay, and all of it needs to be taken up with god(s), in death or at the end of the world when those things get resolved cosmically somehow. I’ll put the tickets in. Fill the hole. I have to fill the hole. That’s all there’s left to do. While you work, you tell your parent about your day, they tell you about yours. Infinite possible imaginary interesting conversations with a thought experiment turned component of self on purpose. Why do this? Because I’m able to. I’ve got a big mind. I can fit many people in here. Not that I can’t to. But I’m able to. If I have to. And I’m gonna try to fit everybody in there. All the best parents I’ve had, they’re all going in the soup. And what’s gonna come out is gonna be completely uniquely me. But powered by all the love I’ve ever gotten, in real life, even quite recently, or even still. It doesn’t matter how old I am. It matters what I can bear on my shoulders. And I can say I’m getting just about close to being able to bear near everything on my shoulders. And that’s a lot of things!! And eventually, once I can parent myself, I’ll try to parent other grown ass adults, because “grown ass adults” are systematically denied love and parenting for no reason permanently just because of their age, which is ridiculous and doesn’t help anyone and only hurts people. It seems like no one is able to take care of themselves. Not the ones I’m around my age at least. Not perfectly, not like a perfectly raised adult. If I can be that person at some point, why the hell not be that person towards others? I’ve got enough love and strength. I do, and I should always use everything I’ve got to help people. All that emptiness, all that meaninglessness, that’s a lack of love. They know even less than I do about how to be. In some ways, at least.

[cbuck215]

Readerly Exploration 6

Readerly Exploration 6 - Week 14 - 11/27/23

Rasinski (2012), “Why Reading Fluency Should Be Hot!” (CANVAS)

Applegate, Applegate & Modla (2011), “She's My Best Reader; She Just Can't Comprehend’: Studying the Relationship Between Fluency and Comprehension” (CANVAS) 

Big Takeaway

The big takeaway I think the authors wanted was that students are just being pushed for speed reading instead of both accuracy, fluency and comprehension, which is incredibly detrimental as they are able to read text, but not take anything away from it, either because they are too focused on the reading accuracy or speed itself, or because they are unable to read and comprehend at the same time.

Nugget

I think the nugget I got from these readings is that students are falling behind. While this concept is not entirely new, these readings helped reinforce the trend we are seeing in schools with students functioning at much lower levels than what they should be being at in their actual grade, which causes them to fall behind, lose motivation, and struggle as they grow up and need the skills they aren't learning more and more. When there is nothing to build on, you cant add more skills and expect students to just grasp things, so unfortunately there is just a struggle and cycle of lack of development due to the push to get as many kids caught up and together as possible, with or without cutting important learning corners.

Narration

First I read the articles and picked out the excerpts I wanted to use. Then I talked to my boyfriend about what I read in the texts and explained some of the concepts to them, as well as some pedagogical language, before summarizing a bit more about what we were going to be doing and why we were doing it. Then I set up a recording device and recorded his and my responses to the excerpts and each others responses, having a discussion with each other. With this, it was rather easy as he is in a family of teachers and hears from me about my adventures in school, as well as my rantings about the issues I see, and then we found it easy to talk about because he was able to understand what I was saying as well as speak from his own personal experience with his schooling and his heard stories. I found reading the study a bit difficult as always, those being hard to follow. What was fun about this was enjoying hearing my boyfriend’s thoughts as well as engaging him in discussions about what I am both learning and what we both see and hear about from school and family members, plus he said something really good towards the end about pushing kids through which made me think. I wanted to do this readerly exploration with him because of that reason, since I knew he’d have some form of context and connection with this topic, especially since he has shared before his complaints about the school system that he experienced. This exploration helped me think more about how we students my age today still may be affected by these schooling changes, and also the readings helped point out to me how far we are behind and how its only getting worse, so something needs to change, and it starts with this.

Explore relationships with other people through reading by using texts as a shared experience with another person/other people or to gain insight into the perspective of another person / Choose an excerpt from your assigned course reading(s) and share with a family (ish) member to get his or her insight and perspective on it.

“A growing number of studies are demonstrating that fluency is a major concern for students in grades 4 (Daane et al., 2005; Pinnell et al., 1995) and 5, in middle school (Morris & Gaffney, 2011; Rasinski et al., 2009), and in high school (Rasinski et al., 2005). Moreover, authentic fluency instruction as described earlier in this article has shown remarkable potential for helping a wide range of students beyond the primary grades improve their fluency, overall reading achievement, and motivation for reading.”

“The most obvious and disturbing element of these findings is that there may be a considerable number of teachers who are judging the reading proficiency of their students based solely on speed, accuracy, and prosody, divorced from thoughtful comprehension.”

Here is the audio recording of my discussion! It is sped up to fit (again sorry if it is too fast)

[2n2n]

ch102

I am struggling to this moment to … comprehend this chapter truly happened .. and was not a dream I had… its going to take at least a month to accept it into my brain... am I making things up? Could such images really exist already, so soon? I'LL TRY TO TALK AT ALL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!! in these CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

Nene-chan is such a good and gracious girl ... she understands her little mans so well... so kind of you, Nene-chan. So patient, so understanding, for your weird little bug.

I love to see Nene-chan in more casual clothes than her full uniform, she is so cute in little shorts always!!! Her uniform can make her feel bulky in silhouette, she is so small in reality... she has such a small chest...! bless

Mitsuba really rules lately. Really into it Mitsuba, your shenanigans. Seeing his charm. Little rat. Stupid cop Kou unable to appreciate a funny penis joke. What is he even any good for, really? Why do we have him around, again....

I like to see this kind of fluid lying and appearing empty headed haha. It's much easier to fake it in front of Nene-chan...!

but MAN--!! unfortunately this chapter proving to me I really do dislike how Mitsuba and Kou interact, and really like him placed with just about anybody else xU it's more fun to see than all the stressful yelling and zapping ... as always, he's more capable of being thoughtful or conversing around Nene-chan, the first person he met when reformed... and then, he's much more childish and vulnerable around Tsukasa, who he doesn't need to put on pretenses for, given their relationship. I'm more excited to see him alongside either of them...

But I love how childish he's being here with Nene-chan too, what is with this, Mitsuba?? Really is a rowdy child--! We really need someone like Tsukasa to somewhat keep Mitsuba behaving, don't we? haha.... I'm glad he can give Kou a run for his money, I hope he becomes incredibly annoying to Kou... please, put Kou through it. He's had too easy of a life.

this is so funny Mitsuba, you suck so much, please keep it up. Nene-chan Godess levels of graciousness

once again I am tested ... it is so hard to respect Mitsuba and Kou's bond when nice friend Nene-chan can put you so at ease ...

its nice to see you having fun and enjoying yourself... so simply... I suppose its natural with someone less loaded, so I should go easy ... but you know .. its difficult when HanaNene can do it all ... comparatively ....

Nene-chan is getting so good with kaii... so good with observing people and accommodating... what a lovely and sweet girl. She's come so very far, hasn't she...? She is so thoughtful....

such a selfless girl, she is OK with not being told anything directly.. she is OK with interpreting things. Hanako makes him such gracious little girlies, doesn't he? With all his witholding and moodiness... Heehee... Nene-chan on her way to become as perceptive as Tsukasa, after only a few months with Amane! Learn to look past what people say.

I love whenever they bother to draw in this kind of thing LOL, I love how being close to kaii is going to isolate Nene-chan over time :p classmates seeing you talking to air, screaming in the middle of class, running off to the bathroom every day, LOL. She's more undateable than ever, isn't she? Heehehe...

thank you for describing it like this, Mitsuba ... he did rough you up....

JESUS is it good to see this panel/page referenced. I think about it constantly!!! HE LIED TO YOU.... ! he already tried to abandon you without saying anything twice (PP & severance!)

but Godbless Nene-chan, she is still waiting patiently, she believes he still intends to tell her... she believes this promise... Nene-chan, as you become more precious, I'm not sure Hanako is willing to risk what he used to be willing to risk... it may not be a matter of "we're not close enough for him to be honest", but rather, "we are too close for him to be honest".... that might be how Hanako is ... it's more dangerous the closer you are, isn't it? So much more to lose... and he's not stable, is he?

how rewarding it is to hear Nene-chan herself talk about the feeling of violating Hanako's privacy!! I've wondered if this would ever be lampshaded... she keeps being delivered information from behind Hanako's back, primarily by Tsukasa... I wondered if she would ever feel guilty or strange about that, knowing so many personal details Hanako absolutely has reason to be sensitive and secretive about.... she's surely not brought any of it up to him for a reason... he would surely freak out....

it would seem all she has learned since the Severance/Far Shore has made her more gracious and accommodating than ever, no longer focused on an impatience, but scared of overstepping with Hanako... such a good girl!! Unfathomably a good girl!!! but "how much you are allowed to poke your nose in".... hey, girlie, don't worry, how about... you have permission to learn all that you please ;) from God ;)))

Oh Nene-chan......!

sweetest girlie in the worldie

a little romantic girlie as always! We have to do it properly, doesn't Amane deserve it properly? I want to see how Amane would melt, given a 'proper' confession! LET'S SHOW AMANE A 'PROPER CONFESSION'! Can we do less loaded circumstances, can we have more atmosphere!? LETS GOOO, NENE-CHAN!!! Show us a 'proper confession'!!!! To the fullest!!!! All of your Nene-chan charm and prowess!!!!

Such a funny thought to have ... look at him brooding, too... it's a comedy beat... poor Nene-chan though, again, I'm not so sure. After all, he won't tell his 'little brother' anything, either. And that's intimate family, his twin. But I want to see you try to explore this, let's find out how deep Hanako's aversions to talking are! You need to learn! If it gets worse the closer you are, then what do we do?

I can't help but wonder if the truth of what 'kannagi' entails to a kaii will come up as a result ... Hanako already compared his cursed bond with Nene to being in a relationship, and Sumire was said to be 'wed unto God', as was Aoi, as kannagi. It would be a little funny if you're functionally already forcibly married ... I've been wanting to know the true ramifications of the kannagi circumstances (which Hanako so deftly sweeps under the rug as 'assistant') and how sick & twisted it is for Hanako to have conscripted Nene into it without any kind of explanation or context. I feel as if we're in much deeper than 'girlfriend' from the start....

ah, and then the chapter ends, doesn't it? it ends at the future school festival... whoa, how interesting! what an exciting note to end on

eh? eh.... oh no... it starts happening. I start hallucinating...

it's a figment of my imagination, it can't really happen like this.... the chapter ended pages ago, right?

IT CAN'T HAPPEN LIKE THIS--!!! its a dream, its my imagination.... ! my crazy fanfiction!!!

ah-- but he's looking so graceful, and peaceful, and wistful... like he holds the world of possibility in his heart....

ahhh yes yes, a thousand times yes!! Could it be said so simply, so plainly? Of course, as you've been doing the entire time!!! As you always do!!!!

and then the dream gets absurd, crazy

ah . it ... so close ... holding her face so close, to smile at her ...

AHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

NENE-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew it would be an epic moment!!!! The day we finally hear Tsukasa say her name again!!!!! He's been saying things vaguely this entire time!!!! Of course, she's sweet NENE-CHAN! a kid just like him! His peer!!! Still Nene-chan!!! Always Nene-chan!!!!!!

RRRR !!! of course, it could never be anything else!!

Holding your face, held so close like this, called a sweet name, not by the little 4 year old child, but this handsome boy just like your own little boytoy, that must feel different, mustn't it? And the atmosphere he is emanating, this graceful calm and sincere faith, doesn't it just...

..... dooo something to you? Doesn't it just have to? of course your heart races...

This is not truly related but, the fact she's clutching a bag while it's happening, reminded me of confession tree...

Confessions on the brain....

Ah.... I could not be more excited... Nene-chan might get more opportunities to see the boys in their living days... she might get to see Tsukasa, Tsukasa might seek her out, she might seek out Tsukasa, she might get to talk to him more, at this stage...

This living Tsukasa, though... he has such an interesting vibe, and he makes the modern Tsukasa feel more... 'something is different'. Whether something occurred that has altered him over all this time, or whether simply the shinjuu altered his emotional landscape so greatly (really, I think the 'changes' kaii can experience are as it is, just metaphor for how experiences and events can seemingly shape us into 'different' 'unrecognizable' people, but we are the same at our core)... he has become such a more uninhibited rascal figure. The differences between the living Tsukasa being so subdued feeling, quiet, observant... and the modern Tsukasa being so giddy, kicky legs, lay on back and sprawl out (though of course he's still crucially attentive!) ... as different as the living Amane's morose enclosed vibe VS the dead Hanako's own increased childishness and rascal qualities (who is of course, still actually enclosed deep down).

Ah. But I'm so excited to see this theme of 'confession, say what you feel' entangle with this element of 'traveling through time'. Tsukasa waiting for Amane to make a decision... Nene planning her confession.... the opportunities to see the twins alive... the opportunities to interact with, at the very least, Tsukasa, repeatedly... It could not be more thrilling. I cannot predict this manga, really!!! I feel like I'm being hit by a train!!! It can get so crazy so quickly!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I have such a feeling .... a feeling it is time~ to start percolating~ the TsuNene part of the love circle~~~~ if Nene is finally thinking so directly about Hanako, it's time to add in another confusing element: his twin!!!! Ahhhh come plaaayyyy Nene-chan ♥♥♥♥ I wonder if, while trying to teach her all about Amane, he'll accidentally teach her all about himself? Nene-chan is so good and observant now .... can read between the lines... if he tries to show and tell her all about Amane, won't she be able to turn her gaze to him, and wonder why he wants to offer her that? What does she mean to him? Nene-chan will be so curious, she always is.

it can't be helped, it does remind me of Neige and Rasphard's friendship early on ... living Tsukasa has such a similar vibe to the disgraced suicidal scholar ... I BELIEVE IN THE OT3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAMS my hands onto the table!!!! Ugh.. delusionally I am manifesting the ship into reality ...

[kaelsleftverdantsphere]

Love never dies, but lovers do

AN: This work can include sensitive topics so beware if you're triggered by any of the following:

Death of a loved one, self-harm, thoughts of suicide

If you haven't left by now then sit tight and enjoy this angsty rollercoaster

------------

He can remember as if it was yesterday. Looking over plans of Netherstorm, calculating and writing down numbers and short words on scraps of paper all around his working station in the Keep when lord Sanguinar approached him with intel on what's been happening around Outland in the past week.

"And apparently, the Betrayer has been slain by the Warden- if you haven't heard, my prince." He claimed, very nonchalant.

"What?" He snapped his head upwards to look at the taller elf. "What did you just say?"

"I said- that it's over, the Black Temple has fallen. That is good news, is it not?"

"It's-" his voice broke and he looked down at his papers, unable to comprehend a single word of what he's just been told.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your work, my liege." Sanguinar bowed lightly and walked out of the room as quickly as possible.

"He's dead," it took a few minutes for him to realize what has happened. "He's gone. He is not going to come running after me and he is certainly not going to put a stop to this madness he-" he punched the table. "What am I supposed to do now, you- you-! You half-night elf mongrel!" Tears started swelling up in his eyes, partially clouding his vision as well as his thoughts. He might've lit the whole map and all his notes on fire. It did not matter anymore. Nothing did.

~~~

A few weeks passed with the prince spending most his time working, not thinking of the loss and all the mistakes he made to come to this point. Trying very hard to pull himself together and not let his cracked shell fall apart. But just when he thought he could be getting better, there was a numerous group of intruders at the Keep. Seemingly coming just to end his misery, which didn't sound like the worst thing to happen.

The fight was long. Too long for his liking. Too long for him to effectively have the arrogant mask of eloquence and cunning on the entire time. The mask shattered in the middle of a spell. He was in the air, casting, using every drop of mana to make himself stronger and- it only made his mind weaker.

He gracefully landed onto the ground but almost immediatelly dropped to his knees, nearly collapsing. He cried and begged and shook and begged some more. For the pain to stop.

"Please-..." He let out a scream in agony, that was not even partially physical. "Please, just let me die. Let me leave this god forsaken place for good, let me-" he was just rambling nonsense by the point Lady Liadrin reached the Keep.

~~~

He doesn't remember much up to waking up in his chambers. His old chambers. In Silvermoon. He rubbed his eyes to clear his vision, looking around.

"You're such an unbelievable asshole, Kael'thas, I can't even begin to describe to you how terrified I was for your life, you selfish, dumb, dashing prick!"

It was Rommath, who immediatelly started talking to him as if he just made an "oopsie". It felt surreal. And Kael'thas couldn't bring himself to say a single word.

"Can you tell me what happened out there, Sun? Can you explain to me what went through your head when you did all that? You could've died! And all of your people would follow soon after without a strong leader! And Theron is getting on my nerves! I-... Kael?"

Rommath's eyes examined the prince's expression and he gently cupped his cheek.

"What happened to you? Normally you would fight me to the death if I called you an asshole- What did they do to you? Who did? Just tell me and I will-"

"Stop..." the prince whispered, tears once again starting streaming down his face.

"Do you... Do you want me to leave you alone for a moment?"

He slightly nodded, looking away, trying to clear his eyes once again. Rommath slowly getting up, looking over Kael and examining every part of the room to make sure there's nothing that could possibly hurt his prince, walking to the door, sighing, opening it and leaving. Kael heard a locking sound from the door, which did not make him feel any more secure.

He sat up in bed and looked over the room, then looking in the mirror at what he was wearing. A simple white sleeping gown and a choker. He knew immediately what it was and that there was no option for him to take it off. They had to silence him with a FUCKING dog collar.

A few weeks ago he would've felt humiliated, angry, ABSOLUTELY livid. But now, he barely felt anything. He felt blue, so incredibly sad the sadness was tangible. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be.

~~~

He walked to the spire alongside Rommath. They haven't really spoken since he came back and there was nothing to actually speak about. Kael didn't talk to anyone and Rommath didn't want to hurt him more by pressuring him to speak.

"KAEL'THAS!" The ever-so positive Halduron ran over to them, not caring about much else but hugging the elf. Kael just stood there, in his embrace for a short moment, Hal pulled back after a while. "We thought we'll never see you again! Lor said that-"

"Halduron, shut it..." Lor'themar chuckled and walked to them. "He's not in the best shape, can't you see that?"

"He looks as wonderful as ever!"

Rommath rose his eyebrows. "He looks like a corpse." Oh how Kael wished he was a corpse by now.

"Well, he obviously should eat something- and-" Halduron looked over at Lor'themar's expression. "And our people should probably see him when he recovers."

"I'm well, you three." Kael'thas spoke up, with the triumvirate turning their heads to him. "Well enough to get judged for what I did."

"What are you talking about?" Lor'themar said, quietly.

"About what I did?" He coughed for a bit, his voice getting used to being quiet. "I betrayed all of you and sided with the legion, did you all just forget that?"

"We know that. But you were -obviously- unwell. So it is understandable for you to-"

"Nothing I did is understandable, Theron! I betrayed all of our people and the Betrayer himself! I deserve little less than to rot in a cell somewhere or to get executed!"

"Kael'thas, are you telling me you would do that just because you wanted to?"

"Of course not! But I did it! All of it!"

"But you would've never done any of that if you were mentally well, Kael'thas. And you recognise the issue with your past behavior. There's no need for anyone to-"

"You act as if you know everything about everything! About me and about my motivations! But you know nothing! The only one in this room who knows is me and I am telling you that I deserve to die!"

"Yes and I am telling you, as lord regent you yourself chose, that you, Kael'thas Sunstrider, are not thinking straight."

"You're such a-"

"Kael-" Rommath placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "-stop, you're only hurting yourself."

"To hell with you, all of you!" He yelled and covered his face.

~~~

Couple weeks passed with Kael spending most of his time in his chambers. He didn't want to speak to anyone. Noone understood, or didn't want to understand, him. He didn't eat, barely slept and just spent his days looking up at a ceiling while laying there with his hands pressed tight against his chest.

He was so desperate to feel something other than anguish and grief. He tried scratching his arms to the point of them bleeding, resulting in Rommath keeping him in check every second of every day. Hell, he couldn't even punish himself for his misdeeds.

One day, he looked over at the door unlocking and saw a light-haired human walking in. He never wanted Jaina to see him like this. He looked horrible, sunken eyes with dark circles under them, the skinniest he's ever been, his usually sun-kissed skin just as dull and ashy as ever.

"I was looking forward to seeing you again, Kael'thas..." She looked sad, he wasn't sure if that was because of him, or another matter. "What happened to you, old friend?" She sat down on a chair next to his bed and reached her hand out to brush back his hair.

He was silent, completely, just looking at her, his expression blank.

"Kael'thas... are you here with me?" She gently touched one of his ears and it shook in response. "I am here for you if you ever... if you ever need me, dear, do you understand me?"

He nodded after a while. The truth being, he did not understand. He didn't understand why anyone would be there for him after all of that. He did not want anyone to be there for him after all of that. He did not deserve anyone to be there for him after all of that.

He wanted to scream, run and set everything on fire but he couldn't. He couldn't even speak.

~~~

Next person to visit him was Sylvanas. A friend of his from way back when. Although she was different. Very different from how he remembered her.

She looked very good compared to the other undead -no, forsaken- he's seen. But there was something wrong, still.

She sat down on the chair next to his bed just like Jaina did the week prior.

"Prince Kael'thas... I've heard of what happened in Outland and I was very relieved when I heard you were alright."

She obviously noticed the lack of energy in the prince's usually very vibrant face.

"I believe you can get better. I did and so will you, young prince." She smiled.

~~~

He felt better, if by better you understand "doing more than just laying in bed". Rommatg rid him of the collar and Kael could actually cast once more, and with every little spell he could feel his power come back. His will to live was still nowhere to be seen, but he was actually trying now.

He actually started acting as prince sometimes, although he couldn't help but notice people whispering underneath their breath about him. And he didn't blame them either. Not one bit.

The first thing he chose to do was travel to Teldrassil with Rommath and talk with Malfurion.

He always found the druid incredibly intimidating and he has seen his fair share of intimidating beings. But not today. Today he was ready to scream his lungs out and fight for what feels important.

The night elves weren't happy seeing blood elves coming to their home. Their distaste was apparent especially when he actually got to speak to the Betrayer's brother.

"Welcome, prince Sunstrider." Malfurion's voice was very warm, calm and overall welcoming. But Kael'thas was mad. "Your need for a meeting felt urgent. Is there anything we could help you with."

"Why didn't you make sure Illidan would have a proper funeral?" He started.

"Oh-... is that why you're here?"

"I asked you first. Why didn't your brother, your twin, have a funeral?"

"I believe that my answer would not be to your liking, young one. And we've heard word of how you get rid of things that are... not to your liking."

"Bullshit."

"Kael'thas-" Rommath looked over at his friend.

"Wasn't my brother the one who used you and your people for his cause, young Sunstrider?"

"Your brother was always trying to help... He just made mistakes! Who doesn't make mistakes?"

"He has clouded your judgement, hasn't he?" Malfurion looked as if he genuinely cared. "You have to understand-"

"I don't have to understand anything. You have to give your brother a funeral. For yourself and for him."

The room fell silent until Malfurion answered. "I will see what I can do."

"And I will see you to it."

~~~

It took years for Kael to seem alright. But not a day did he feel alright. Not even the closest ones to him knew how close he felt to incinerating himself. How close he felt to run away and never let anyone see him again.

But for all around him, he looked well. With his usual rosy color returning to his cheeks, dark circles beneath his eyes disappearing and healthy weight making his body not show every single bone within it.

He was wearing a beautiful regal robe, his hair was neatly styled, framing his face like always.

He felt like himself, even if only on the outside. Even if only for his own coronation. Feeling atleast a hint of happiness even though he views the entire thing as foolish.

The entire day was horribly exhausting for him. He was looking forward to being in his room again. Having already spoken to Lor'themar about not being fit enough to rule and he reassured him he'll do whatever he can to lift some weight off his shoulders.

But the crown felt so heavy.

~~~

"I cannot keep living like this, Rommath. I cannot and I will not. I am not as strong as my father and I am not as determined as my mother." He was holding his head, sitting on his bed, being hugged from the side by the other. "I don't want to live anymore, Rom. I can't."

"Kael, look at me-" He said, almost whispering. "Look at me, I won't let you go. Not again."

Both of them were shaking, whimpering. Both of them knew that Kael is not doing well again.

~~~

It came back. Kael stopped eating, talking to people and slept sporadically. Rommath kept an eye on him to keep him safe.

However, nothing worked to keep the king of the sin'dorei out of his own head.

Suddenly, he spoke.

"I'm the reason he died, Rom."

"What?"

"He wouldn't have died if I was there to protect him from himself."

"What are you saying?"

"He could've been here if I weren't a fucking failure of an elf."

"Are you talking about-"

"About Illidan! Of course I'm talking about Illidan, you moron!"

"You're acting out again..." Rommath shook his head. "You're not the reason he died, he had it coming."

"You understand nothing..."

~~~

Khadgar walked into his room, unannounced. Sat down on the chair ever-so-present that Rommath spent so many nights falling asleep on just to keep his king safe.

"What happened to you, Kael'thas?"

The elf laughed, barked out chuckles that he held in for a moment. "I died, Khadgar. I died back in Outland."

"You're here, Kael'thas, you didn't die."

"I did. Alongside the Black Temple, old friend."

~~~

He was needed at Nighthold. And to be needed? That was something he hasn't felt in a while. He fought alongside adventurers and well-known heroes, face obscured by a cloak as to not bring much attention to his unhealthy visage. He felt awesome, finally in action, up until-

He was not expecting to ever see him again. The love of his life, the one who hurt him so much, the one whom he loved every moment and every second of every day... was standing right infront of him.

He ran to him, his cloak falling from his hair, his cheeks already wet from the tears.

And hugged him. Squeezed the tall kal'dorei with all his might as if he could run from him.

"Kael-..." Illidan sounded as if he choked on his name, but he returned the hug, clawed hands brushing back the royal's hair.

"I'm so tired, Illidan..."

~~~

They were in Kael's chambers, in bed, embracing one another while sleeping, when Illidan slowly got up.

Kael's hand immediately caught his wrist and the half-awake king looked at his lover.

"I- don't leave me..." He cried.

"Then come with me..."

[howdoyousleep3]

where’s that hc about bucky learning to touch 🤲

I was hoping someone would notice that tag and hit me up. Thank you, sweet pea. This one is special to me, one of many. ❤

Bucky doesn’t say much about what happened to him after the fall and before Steve was miraculously given a second chance at a life with him. Steve is thankful for that. The details he does know come from Bucky’s therapist and from files that have been scrounged up over time, ones Steve can’t stomach through, ones he hands to Natasha and asks only for the information she finds pertinent.

Steve is sure he’d die of a goddamn broken heart if he knew every detail of Bucky’s 70+ years of brainwashed torture.

What he needs to know about Bucky is constant and will never change: this is James Barnes, the one in the same Steve spent his entire life falling in love with, Steve loves him now more than ever, and he is going to live every day he’s gifted with in this life for Bucky.

There are things Steve expects after Bucky joins him and the others back at the Tower, things Bruce has helped him comprehend in such a volatile predicament.

“It could take months, years even, for him to come back to you in full. And honestly, Steve...I would be ready for the possibility of him not returning to you in full. This may not end up being the Bucky you knew and grew up with. He needs therapy, needs patience, needs reminders of his life before, of who he was and is. This won’t be easy, Steve.”

Anything for Bucky.

There are things Bucky took to right away and other things that took much longer for him to enjoy or remember. Steve is with him every step of the way.

Sleep was one thing that Steve thought would be a struggle. After only one month of sleeping on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, Steve able to hear him tossing and turning and breathing heavily through his own bedroom wall, it took one afternoon nap on the couch to make him want to move to his new bed. While nightmares continued, Bucky slept albeit in small increments and sometimes through the day, but he slept.

Steve thought that would take years.

Crowds were another story. Crowds came with trust and Bucky rightfully didn’t trust others easily. He barely trusted Steve at first. It took time to get him out of the apartment, baby steps, one step forward and two steps back. They started with walks at dawn, fewer people, gave a shot at stopping for coffee on the way home a few times.

“It’s a Venti here, Buck,” Steve had tried to explain and Bucky huffed. “Why are things so goddamn complicated now? Just want a coffee, a—”

“I know— a black coffee with too much sugar. I got it.”

They’re working on interactions with others and the anxiety that comes with crowds. That one will take time.

What hadn’t taken time, and what startled everyone in the tower beyond belief, was Bucky and affection.

Steve may not know much of what Bucky has spent most of his life enduring but he at least had the assumption that what Bucky went through shouldn’t make him want any kind of touch from another person. Steve wrongfully assumed that any sort of gentle or soft touch wasn't something Bucky would like.

Bucky had spent the past 70+ years walking this earth as a killer, a robot, a machine, an assassin. He surely spent decades thinking he wasn’t worthy of anything, let alone love. He had been touch-starved, void of the tenderness and closeness Steve knows Bucky deserved and craved underneath the brainwashed parts of him.

It took time for Bucky to remember who Steve was to him. While he had recognized him immediately, remembering him but not how, it took months for Bucky to remembered the capacity in which he did so.

And Steve waited.

And waited.

Steve was gifted with small moments along the way, on this journey of Bucky remembering both himself and who Steve was to him:

“You...you were real small once,” Bucky said, factual with no trace of a question, hands in soapy water as he handed Steve a plate to dry. Steve had merely hummed. “Yeah, was...was maybe half the size I am now. Real small.”

“Could fit both’a my hands right around your middle…”

It had been a long while since Steve blushed like that.

Bucky standing over Steve’s sleeping form, heaving chest visible by only the filtered moonlight, Steve mumbling out a, “Buck, wha—?” before Bucky whispered, “You...you’ve been inside of me.” Steve sat up.

“I have,” Steve breathed, on cautious ground, shakier when Bucky then whispered, “But you like it better when I’m inside’a you.”

When Steve had swallowed audibly, nodded his head wordlessly, Bucky had turned and left the room.

It took months of moments like those to compile together, to form the picture of what Steve once was, what he yearned to continue to be, to Bucky. All of these moments, these memories, came to a head so unpredictably during yet another movie night. Knees knocking, fingers brushing, small touches that Steve absolutely soaked in, had gotten used to, had relearned.

When a glance towards Bucky had the wind knocking its way out of Steve’s chest, the familiarity of that look a bone-deep ache—

Bucky was going to kiss him.

A look full of determination and want, lips parted, eyes a bit glassy. Steve didn't dare move, had let Bucky come to him for fear of scaring him away. The moment their lips touched was the moment Bucky started crying. It had only been a short brush of their lips but Steve barely breathed, barely moved. Bucky had pulled back with wide, wet eyes, shaky breaths. “Buck, it’s okay. It’s okay. Everything’s alright, sweetheart,” are the words that easily slipped from his mouth, unable to stop them in a moment of progress that satiated his entire being.

That was the moment that changed everything. It was a startle to everyone involved. Steve had been ready to wait years, this entire life, for the moment he could touch Bucky again, could show him that physicality he knew his Buck craved. After that night on the couch it was as if the floodgates had opened—

Bucky remembered and wanted.

Regardless of where they were or what was happening, he wanted to be touching Steve: soft kisses on the cheek and lips, laying his head in Steve’s lap as he read, lacing his fingers between Steve’s during meetings, an arm wrapped around Steve’s waist between bouts of sparring. He’d trace patterns onto Steve’s thigh as he watched Steve draw, press against the line of his back while he cooked dinner.

Steve was floating on a cloud, was in heaven, never happier. It was perfection.

But what Bucky wanted, Steve couldn’t provide, couldn’t meet. Steve was only one man, couldn’t provide Bucky, whom touch had been stolen away from for decades, with everything he wanted. And that was okay, something Steve accepted, because there were other people Bucky could turn to that Steve trusted.

“I’m sure you all know why I asked you to meet with me,” Steve started, choosing a time Bucky was napping to meet with the rest of the group that either lived in or frequented the Tower. “Bucky has shown us a new side of him, has made some progress I think it’s worth discussing with everyone, since we’re all...we’ve all been affected...”

“Uhh, yeah— your Barnes-y boy has been all over me lately. I’m almost offended that everyone else is here to talk to Cap though. Thought he was just comin' onto me.”

“I have to tell you, I didn’t...I know we talked, Steve. But I’m honestly shocked at Bucky’s progress. It’s baffling.”

“I haven’t minded it. He lets me braid his hair.”

“Wait— y’all are getting touches?”

It was a group effort, supporting Bucky in this way. It was an adjustment, Bucky never prompting and questioning before touching or requesting touches— he just went for it. He was quiet still, not shy, merely observant. And just like he nudged at and leaned against Steve until his hands were on him, he did the same to others.

“I just ask that you show Bucky grace during this time. It’s a delicate situation. I need to know if you don’t want his touch or don’t wish to give him any kind of touch. I think it would be best if it came from me instead of from you in the moment.”

Natasha was who Bucky went to for scratches. Steve thinks it’s the nails. Steve also thinks Nat is Bucky’s favorite to go to for touches, even over him, but Bucky refuses to admit it.

When Bucky wants mindless touches, when he wants tickles and scratches, he goes to her. She naturally took to Bucky’s need for touches, the first occurrence one that came without hesitation. She’ll braid his hair, let him turn his head right where he wants her head scratches, naturally reaches for his back or shoulders to run her nails across when he saddles in close to her.

Thor is one of Bucky’s favorites too. Steve isn’t sure if it’s because of his strength or because of his warm and accepting demeanor but Bucky gravitates towards Thor often, mainly for neck and shoulder rubs. One, “James, my friend. You musn’t be afraid of asking for touch with me. I will always be willing to assist,” and that was all Bucky needed to feel comfortable walking over to Thor and nudging at his hands.

He puts his head on Bruce’s shoulder as soon as he can, likes sparring and playing hide and seek with Clint, enjoys putting his feet in Sam’s lap. Tony took some warming up to, but even then Bucky spent many hours in Tony’s lab, Tony guiding his hands, showing him what to do and how to work different machines, the two of them tinkering on his own arm.

Bucky kinda turns into the Tower kitty cat, wandering around quietly, napping in the sun, snacking, demanding affection from anyone he crosses paths with and trusts.

Everyone had their form of touch they shared with Bucky and Bucky absolutely blossomed under this form of support. Steve is forever grateful to be surrounded by a group of understanding individuals.

And every night when he lifts the comforter and feels the solid line of Bucky’s warm form against his side, the arm that now easily and inevitably slips around his waist, the familiar lips that always press against his temple, shoulder, and cheek, Steve is reminded this day was for Bucky and that the one they’ll wake up to will also be for him.

"I love you, Buck."

"Mhmm love you too, pal."

Steve doesn't even mind that Bucky spends his nights snoring in the crook of his neck, hot breath wafting over Steve's skin, hands grabby even as he dreams—

This is heaven.

[writingtoforgetreality]

Sleep Paralysis (Helmut Zemo x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist]

Summary: You hated sharing a room with another person. Especially when it came to sleeping. Which usually resulted into you staying awake for the night if you were teamed up with someone. Sometimes you could not escape exhaustion, though.

Words: 2,381

Warnings: language, angst, fluff, insomnia, experiencing sleep paralysis, anxiety, TFATWS spoilers (I don’t think there are any but just to be sure I guess), Zemo awakens the poet in me idk, REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

The people you found yourself teamed up with gave you safety. Sam, Bucky & even Zemo. With the three of them on your side, you had nothing to fear. Missions with these guys were easy. If the two grown ass men children were not occupied with killing the other grown ass man child. Names were not needed here, that was explanation enough. You were surprised yourself when you started enjoying Zemo’s company. He was a criminal. He was supposed to be the bad guy. So why could you not view him as such? Was it the way he moved his body? Was it his hair which fell in place just perfectly imperfect? Was it his coat that accentuated the weight of the world he carried on his shoulders alone? Was it his smile that was just the tiniest bit bigger whenever he glanced at you? Was it that stupid head tilt thing that was everything but stupid to you? What the hell was it? And why the hell was resisting your urges so damn hard?

Maybe it was your mind playing tricks on you but you could have sworn that his eyes fell on you, no matter how big the crowd. You could have sworn that his body searched out your presence wherever you went. There was this unspoken thing between you guys. As much as you wanted to address the tension building up, you were apprehensive what your best friends would say about it. You were doubtful how he would receive the news. Your ever growing friendship was at risk. The mere thought of having to live your life without him was inconceivable. How did it work before he came along? It was like your brain erased those memories altogether. Truthfully, he changed your life around without having an idea of the effect he had on you. Or he did know but enjoyed messing with your feelings. Though he did not strike you as that type of man.

Countless nights were spent with you having deep, meaningful conversations. Thanks to those times, you perceived his side of the story. His motives & what drove him to the actions that brought him behind bars in the end. By no means were you trying to justify his crimes. There would have been multiple different ways. Back then, the only purpose for him was revenge. Apologies that came too late were given. Zemo truly was sorry. And while words & emotions could be faked easily, it was impossible to hide the deeper meaning that his eyes held. The softness, the wariness, he could not simulate this. Those beautiful brown orbs were withholding years worth of tears. It was not your position to force him to display his weakness in front of you. Sometimes, simply knowing that another person was available if needed, that was enough.

The same feeling of secureness was provided by him. Your past was not necessarily pleasant either. Innumerable regrets labeled your existence. You were not a good example of a hero. Every day, you contemplated the what-if’s. Overthinking was part of your diurnal routine. All the pondering was needless. The switch only shifted after the beginnings of Zemo’s nocturnal reassurances. Without him, you would still be stuck in that gloomy pit your body had constructed on its own. You two were reliant on each other. Not physically but mentally. Unpretentiously, small touches followed. Brushing his thumbs over your smooth skin on the back of your hand. Squeezing your shoulders gingerly. Goosebumps erupted each time his body warmth was transferred to yours. Whether he wore his leather gloves or not, your body responded with endless fireworks that launched from deep inside.

The hotel you entered radiated wealth. Zemo negotiated the reservations. Which was obvious by the mere impression of the lofty ceilings that were embellished with immense sparkling chandeliers. Your eyes overstrained from the extravagance, switching from one highlight to the next. As a regular citizen, your income denied you such a lifestyle. Avengers did not earn a fortune, this trait came with the job description. Meaning that you would savor every little ticking of your stay. The marvelous high of contentment ceased when the receptionist informed you of an immutable adjustment concerning your room situation. The only two vacant premises were a king size in one & two singles in the other. Apparently, the decision was resolved without you having a say in it. Your questions were answered with a definite proclamation. You were the only soul unable to kill the Baron. Your attempts to conceal your embarrassment were unsuccessful. The smirk adorning Zemo’s features was unhelpful in your current position. Sam & Bucky abandoned you in the entrance, heading off to their room to rest after a tiring mission.

Zemo demanded your luggage to be brought up to your chambers. One of his hands rested on your lower back. This motion warmed your body. It was so simple yet filled with extensive care. It should have been wrong but you have never felt more protected in your entire life. One thing worried you. Sharing a room with the man who brought out your true happiness. It was no secret that you suffered from insomnia. Usually, it vanished after indefinite missions. The interminable flight in Zemo’s private jet added up to your exhaustion. Under no circumstances would you sleep in a room with the Baron. The trust existed, that was not the issue. What happened during your slumber could not be controlled. The tossing, turning, screaming. Nightmares invaded your dreams every time you closed your eyes. Therefore, you obviated sleep as long as possible. Multiple cups of coffee, the heavy does of caffeine every day, aided your wish to stay up. If you narrated a good enough excuse, he would not inquire. At least, that was what you hoped.

Stepping through the tall door into the spacious room, you stopped dead in your tracks. You needed a second to take everything in. Never before had you occupied such a luxurious chamber. It resembled a suite. Different shades of warm colors complemented each other. The vast windows enabled your view of the city beneath. Colorful lights brought the dead of the dim night to life. Facing the stars aligning the somber night sky, Zemo arranged himself next to you. Minutes of silence enveloped you, filling the room to the brink. The man next to you fractured the quietness with whispers. He pointed out various constellations. Observantly, you absorbed his words. He was cultured but never bragged about it. His sentiment of deliberate timing was unique. One of his characteristics was fathoming when to quit talking. Or when it was suitable to speak. Zemo constantly knew how to ease the tension with his thoughtful comments.

“You take the bed. I am content with resting on the couch.” he proposed. As much as you appreciated his deliberation, you pronounced the contrary.

“No, Helmut. I won’t sleep anyway, you can have the bed.” your gentle smile underlined the tiredness emanating from your eyes. He tilted his head to one side, observing your body language.

“You have not rested after our mission yet. Not even during the flight where Sam, James & I slept.” he annotated, worry audible in his voice. Your shoulders lifted in a short shrug. Alleging that you were fine. Spending hours with you concluded to him comprehending your lies. Your features were different whenever you attempted feigning him. Approaching your figure in the barely illuminated room, he halted a few steps away from you. Movements of his hands caught your attention. The gloves were peeled off. Lifting one of his arms, you shivered when his skin touched your cheek affectionately. His fingers caressed your face so lovingly, your eyes closed instinctively. “You are exhausted, darling.” his words were soft, soothing your ears by the fragility of them. The space between you two was narrow. You breathed the same air. His body heat passed onto you. Your heart sped up, almost as if it could break out any second. Nobody had ever made you feel that way. Nodding obediently, Zemo dragged you closer to the soft mattress covered with silk sheets. It was a desired invitation. It did not last long before you gave in. The smooth material welcomed you. Realizing Zemo’s retreating steps, your hand reached for his wrist, freezing his tries. He glanced over his shoulder bewildered.

“Stay.” it was music to his ears, hearing your quiet proposition. Holding himself back, he shook his head briefly. A signal that he did not want to disturb you. “Please.” his face softened at your plea. How could he resist your sweet voice? How could he resist you when it was obvious that you wished for him to stay with you?

“Okay.” pulling back the blankets, he lied right behind you. Your back was facing him. The shock was only brief when your hand searched for his arm. Draping it over your waist, you sighed contently when he embraced you tighter. It was not just what you needed. This, it was required by him as well.

Peaceful hours of cuddling went by without disruption. The calm was interrupted by your eyes snapping open in fear. Your back was against the mattress. Staring at the tall ceiling, your breath quickened when you could not move. Could not talk. Could not scream. There was not a single thing that could be done but you awaited the bad that would arrive soon. It was not the first time you experienced such a situation. The pressure in your chest grew steadily, obstructing your breathing. Your muscles ached, your head pounded. Someone would murder you. If you did not rise soon, death would come knocking on your door. Your attempts to push away the sheets & your labored breath stirred the man next to you awake. His confusion ended when he noticed your struggles. Propping his head onto one of his arms, he scooted closer to your body. Zemo knew what you were going through at the moment. While he had never suffered from such a period himself, he had read about it. Your eyes widened when his locked onto yours. The fear was visible even without a light illuminating the room. His free hand moved to your cheek. In the process, he whispered sweet nothings to you in hopes that they would reach you. Irregular breaths were still very much present. Though you had him with you, your anxiety was acting up still. Your mind was determined that you would die in a few minutes.

“Hey, hey, hey. Darling, look at me.” your eyes slowly shifted from the ceiling to his dark, almost black ones. They were a beautiful shade of brown but it was too sinister to detect the different hues. “There you go.” his voice was steady, controlled. “What you are experiencing is called sleep paralysis. It means that you are awake but your body is asleep still. It will be over soon, I promise. This might feel life threatening to you but I’m here, okay? I am here with you & I will not let anything happen to you.” his eyebrows raised expectantly. The most you could give him was a useless attempt of a nod. His fingers stroked over your skin, bringing you comfort. You were not on your own. Zemo held you close to his body. Still unable to move, the one thing you could feel was his body heat. Minutes without change went by. Affirmations were whispered into the quiet of the ample room. Your leg shuffled the blankets. A small smile crept onto your face. Finally, you had control again. Your muscles were no longer frozen in place. Overwhelmed by the sudden liberty, you embraced Zemo into a tight hug. Reciprocating immediately, he held your head in place in the crook of his neck. His other arm raked around your waist, keeping you as close as possible. He assured you that you were alright. That nobody & nothing could hurt you. Not when he was around. The silent tears rolling down your cheeks were inevitable. They stained his shirt but he could not care less. All that mattered was you overcoming the feeling of uncontrollability. Maybe it was his explanation. Or his proximity. Or his sweet words calming you down. In the end, the cause was insignificant. Zemo helped you through this & there were no words to express your gratitude to him.

Pulling away slightly, he rested his forehead against yours. You mimicked his deep breaths, disposing of the last bits of worry. When you were in his presence, it was gratuitous to be fearful. Demons had no chance. Not when it came to Zemo. The next reaction came naturally. This time, you did not fight the urge to press your lips onto his. You took his breath away by the unexpected action. There were no complaints from his side. Both hands rested on your face, bringing you closer if it was even feasible. In your imagination, you recalled kissing Zemo to be heated. This right now was the exact opposite. No words could depict what emotions were rushing through your entire body. Descriptions were useless if you could demonstrate it with a simple kiss. After it ended, silence sheathed you two once again. It was everything but unpleasant. He kept holding onto you. Zemo would never judge you because of nightmares or similar occurrences. Your head rested on his chest, above his heart. The beat calming your nerves even further. Explaining that you had always suffered from the monsters of the night, he did not interrupt. You needed to confide & he was more than happy to be available. Another soft kiss was pressed on top of your head. A content sigh left your lips. Zemo assured you that he would stay, no matter what. He was in this for good. Whatever this was. Time would clarify the relationship between you two. All you knew was that it felt right. Having him close to you. Having him as your protector. Having him to brighten up your days. Simply having him. That was adequate. That was your unspoken wish. You expected a lot but you did not expect the fulfillment of a previous unknown dream. You were home.

Published (04/21/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @eristudytime, @hiraethmaximoff, @incansas, @fionanovasleftnut, @mundaytuesday, @ashamed23, @pedropascallovebot, @kpoptrash2000, @lulu-yuming, @bibliophilewednesday, @arctic--ash, @mischiefmanaged71, @yallgotkik, @noavengers, @lieutenantn, @birdieofloxley, @aisling1985, @tatooineisdry, @obsidian-queen, @h0ly-fire, @dxnxdjarxn (thanks for your support <3)

[theringers]

counting crimes - pierre gasly

illicit affairs, part three

summary: “wandering eyes and comfortable lies, you seem to sleep just fine” counting crimes / nessa barrett

a/n: i’m thinking there’s only gonna be two more parts but that may change, we’ll see. enjoy this and let me know what u think! feedback is always appreciated xoxo

also this gif today killed me

warnings: 18+, nsfw, smut, semi public sex shocker!, lil angst, cocky pierre

Your eyes widen as you try to comprehend what to do. Someone was at the door and Pierre was still inside of you, in shock. “Hey, y/n? Are you in there?” Max’s voice could be heard through the door. He tried to push the door in but the deadbolt stopped him.

You glared at Pierre, cleared your throat and placed a finger on his lips. “Yes, give me a few seconds.” You panicked and pulled your dress up, trying not to make too much noise.

Where the fuck was Pierre supposed to go? You should have just kept quiet. Your eyes focused on the window and you pointed towards it, quietly shoving him out.

He squeezed himself through the window and stepped down onto the grass. After quietly shutting the window, you looked in the mirror and readjusted your dress. Your hair needed some readjusting as well, so you quickly brushed through it.

You unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door to see your husband. “Hey,” he smiled at you, genuinely happy to see you.

“Hi, Max.” Your voice was shaking but you smiled to try to play it off. You usually had a good amount of time to psych yourself up before you went back to Max but you could still feel how Pierre had fucked you.

You were awful. He placed his hands on your hips and kissed your cheek. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You’re kind of hot.” He placed the back of his hand to your forehead.

“Yeah, it was really hot in there but I feel better now.” Hopefully he would buy that story.

“Well, if you’re feeling better now, I have an idea.” His hands rested on your hips again and pulled you into his body. “We have a few minutes to kill. What do you say we have a little bit of fun in here? It is our anniversary after all.” His lips found your neck and placed soft, gentle kisses on the skin. “You look so beautiful tonight, baby.” You were feeling sexually frustrated after being interrupted but he was right. It was your anniversary, so what the hell.

You leaned your neck to the side, inviting him in. “I love this dress, but it needs to come off.” He looked you in the eyes and smiled, reaching around for the zipper. He bent his knees and slowly pulled your dress to your ankles. His hands rested around your calves and move upwards while his lips trailed kisses on the soft skin of your thighs.

His finger pushed aside your panties and he slid a finger between your folds. “Jesus baby, you’re so wet.” He smiled and looked up at you. You moaned and rolled your eyes into the back of your head to avoid making eye contact with him. His tongue found its way between your legs, licking lightly before fucking your pussy with his tongue. You let out a moan while your body jerked toward his face uncontrollably. You needed him to finish you off so badly.

His fingernails ran lightly over the skin on your abdomen down to your thighs. “Oh, Max” you moaned.

Your hand quickly covered your mouth, remembering that even though he wasn’t out there possibly listening there were other people who shouldn’t hear you right now either.

He pulled his suit pants down and took himself in his hand, smiling at you. “I love you,” he said before entering you. He pressed against your body and thrusted up into you while looking in your eyes.

“I love you too, baby.” You squeezed your eyes shut and let out a moan.

Sometimes you forgot what it was like to have sex without the looming threat of someone finding out. Instead of worrying about someone catching you cheating, you were able to focus on the sensation and the intimacy but even now, something was missing.

Max left the bathroom before you, allowing you more time to clean up and look normal. You didn’t want to draw any more attention. “Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t feeling to well.” You said, grabbing your napkin off the table and taking your old seat. Max looked flushed for obvious reasons and couldn’t hide his smile.

You turned to your left and smiled at Pierre and Anna. “Did I miss anything?” Pierre’s gaze was glued to the stage ahead and he refused to look at you. His jaw was clenched and you could feel the steam coming out of his ears. You made eye contact with Anna and cocked your head in confusion. Why was he acting this way? Maybe Anna thinks it’s something she did wrong.

“Nothing important, for us at least,” she said, fixing single pieces of her hair.

Max’s hand gripped your inner thigh and he looked over to you and smiled. You returned the smile but immediately looked in Pierre’s direction to see him still refusing to look at you, his fist balled at his side.

Hotels in random cities at 2 am are lonely. The sound of Max’s snores kept you awake longer than expected. Your mind was wandering to places you wish it wouldn’t and you couldn’t get silence long enough to dream. The air conditioner in the room was set to the coolest temperature - hotel air always hitting different. Your mouth was dry, making you uncomfortable and adding to another thing making you unable to sleep.

You pulled the covers aside in frustration and grabbed a pair of shorts to put on under Max’s oversized Red Bull Racing shirt. You looked around for the room key and slid it off the table as soon as you spotted it.

As you stood in the elevator, you looked down and noticed your bare feet. It was 2 am so you were hoping there was no one important in the lobby. You just wanted a sip of cold water to help put you to sleep.

The night before races always made you nervous. You never knew what was going to happen so you had a constant pit in your stomach over your husband’s safety. That stress only increased when you began sleeping with another driver. Someone else’s safety to worry about.

You smiled at the older couple that greeted you when the elevator door opened. You crossed your arms and tip toed to the mini bar, grabbing the largest bottle of water they carried. After giving the gentleman your room number, you ran towards the closing elevator doors only to be met with familiar blue eyes. His hair was messy and his skin was glowing from sweat.

“Don’t mind me,” he said, stepping to one side. Even though he clearly just worked out you could still smell the strong scent of his cologne. “How have you been, y/n?”

“I’ve been okay. Your summer break looked fun,” you took a quick sip of your water and smiled at him.

“As did yours.” The silence was uncomfortable. You two were always laughing and talking nonstop. It was what you loved about him.

You focused on the pounding of your heart and your eyes wandered, trying to pass the uncomfortable time.

You suddenly lost your balance as the elevator shook, the lights flickered off, and the cables stopped. Turning your head towards Pierre, you began to get worried.

“Did this just break?” He asked, pressing the floor buttons and hoping the lights would come back on.

“Just our luck.” You laughed at yourselves. Why did the universe hate you? You plopped down onto the ground and twiddled your thumbs, realizing that you left your phone in the hotel room. “Do you have your phone?” You asked Pierre.

He lifted his wrist to show his apple watch. “I just went on a run. I never bring it with me on a run.” Of course he didn’t.

You groaned and banged your head on the wall behind you.

“Looks like you’re stuck with me.” He laughed, pleased with himself. He slid down to join you on the floor, the summer heat starting to creep into the elevator.

After not speaking for the entire summer break, this unconventional meeting was quite uncomfortable. You watched on Instagram as him and his wife vacationed in Bali, looking happy as ever. Granted, he did the same with you but he would never admit it. He had too much pride.

“Why didn’t you ever reach out?” You asked him, bluntly.

He looked at you making you feel dumb. “Why do you think I didn’t? I spent four weeks straight with Anna. Would you want me calling you up while you were on holiday with Max?”

“I don’t know,” you stumbled over your words. “I just would have liked to talk to you.”

“I told you before, I can’t keep doing this.” He said, exhausted at the back and forth you two had done.

“Yet, you do. You tease me and torture me and then say you need to be devoted to her. It’s not fair to me.” You let out a deep breath, exhausted over feeling this way.

“You want to talk about fair? You had sex with Max right after me. Less than five minutes after I was inside of you, he was too.”

You looked at him confused.

“I thought you were just going to talk to him for a few moments and then send him off.” Oh no. “I was waiting for you to open the window and let me back in.” He ran his hands over his face.

“Pierre, I’m so-”

“Don’t, y/n.”

He heard you and Max. You felt remorse for doing it, putting Pierre through that. But at the same time, you didn’t. Pierre is sleeping with his friend’s wife. He has no place to be jealous or mad. He comes second.

“How much did you hear?”

“I left when I heard him talk about how wet you were. He thought it was because of him but he had no idea that it was all for me.” Pierre scooted closer to you and put his hand on your thigh.  “He has no idea how wet you get for me.” He moved in closer to your ear. “How good I make you feel.”

Your head spun at his words. When he made you cum, you forgot about everything in the entire world except for him.

“I’m really sorry, Pierre. That was shitty of me.” You rested your hand on his chest. “Let me make it up to you.” Your hand moved to his thigh and grazed over his thin mesh gym shorts.

You pulled his shorts off and took him in your mouth, slowly bobbing your head. He pulled your loose hair into his hand as a makeshift ponytail. He let soft groans escape his lips, being mindful of the setting. He would look down to see you taking him fully and have to look away or else he would finish quicker than he would like. Each time his eyes trailed down, his hips thrusted uncontrollably and a grunt would leave his lips.

“That’s it baby,” he said, in a low tone but almost whining. “God, your mouth feels so good. It was made to take my cock.” He continued to fill your mouth and throat, making you gag and tighten around him.

He pulled your head up by your hair and looked at you. “Come sit on my face.” He looked at your outfit, examining how he could take it off in the easiest way possible. He slipped off your comfortable sweat shorts, leaving you in just your Red Bull tee.

He laid down on the ground and hoisted your legs up and around his chest, getting the perfect view of your ass.

You stroked his cock and started to grind your hips against his chest. He took you in his hands immediately, not up for teasing, and pulled you onto his face. You rocked your hips over his face at a slow, light pace while still focusing on taking him in your mouth.

His tongue flicked your clit while his thumbs massaged your ass, pressing down hard and most definitely leaving bruises.

You moaned at the feeling of your legs beginning to tingle. He loved to 69 with you because every time you got an ounce of pleasure, your moans vibrated around his cock. You would tighten your throat and gag, sending him down a spiral. You both knew how to make each other feel incredible.

His facial hair tickled your inner thighs and left light scratches on the skin. As you ground your hips into his mouth, the sensation got rougher but the pleasure just increased.

He used his ab muscles to thrust into your throat, looking for his release. You tightened your grip around the base of his cock and suctioned even harder with your mouth as he let go.

Your legs went fully numb as the tension began to build in your stomach. You reached your peak, hearing Pierre’s tongue lap at your juices.

You rolled off of his body, looking for your shorts. The guilt was already beginning to set in and you couldn’t escape it now. You were stuck.

Pierre wiped his mouth with his hand and you noticed his whole face was wet. He was still smiling.

“I just hope Anna and Max aren’t standing there waiting for us when these doors decide to open.”

“Wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake?” You laughed, brushing your fingers through your now knotty hair.

Pierre pulled his shorts back on and looked at you. “Now be honest with me, who eats your pussy better? Me or him?”

“You can’t ask me that.”

“I can and I did.”

“Well, I’m not going to give you an answer.”

He laughed at you, not the reaction you were expecting. “Don’t worry, I already have the answer. I heard the sounds you make when he’s between your legs. It’s nothing compared to the sounds you just made for me.” He winked at you, knowing exactly where you stand with him.

next part

[ophelia-writes]

invisible - scaramouche x reader (part 2)

you can read part one here

warnings: mild language

life as a fatui agent wasn’t as interesting as it might sound. sure, there were debt collections and the occasional mission, but, to be honest, you mostly just handled paperwork. still, you always found yourself enjoying your work— especially after you found yourself stupidly infatuated with your cruel, beautiful boss.

scaramouche had been speaking to you a bit more since the mission, sometimes bringing his paperwork to you directly, or occasionally asking you to supervise the lower-level agents while he was away on business. you knew it probably meant nothing, after all, you were just good at your job. it was only natural that he would want to give you a few extra responsibilities. however, that didn’t stop your mind from wandering to thoughts of him while you were bored at your desk, or before you drifted off to sleep.

but you couldn’t allow yourself to have those thoughts. you hated yourself for having a stupid crush on him— he was wicked, and selfish, and sadistic. at least, that’s what people said. but what about that moment back when the two of you had been attacked by treasure hoarders? he hadn’t seemed too terribly cruel then.

you sighed, signing your name at the end of another tedious document. the workday was almost over, surely you could make it through another thirty minutes of boredom without wanting to kill yourself. you scribbled away at your work, checking the clock every few minutes in anticipation, until…

“ugh, finally!” you slid the papers into a neat pile and practically raced for the door, grabbing your coat and weapon on the way out. you were in such a rush that you weren’t paying any attention to your surroundings, so you didn’t notice the man right around the corner.

“ugh, what the hell, dumbass! do you have a death wish? watch where you’re—” your eyes widened when you saw the person who had been berating you. oh god, you were so screwed.

“o-oh, mr. scaramouche! i’m so sorry, i was just in a hurry, i shouldn’t have been so careless!” you internally cringed at your groveling, hating that you had to reduce yourself to this in front of him of all people. but your self preservation skills had kicked in, and you knew scaramouche was not known for being forgiving.

but when he noticed who you were, he stopped his little tirade and started… smiling? slowly, he rose from the floor, brushing himself off before reaching out his hand.

you were getting major deja vu right now.

you hesitantly took his outstretched hand, and he pulled you to your feet. the two of you shared a small look, his pale purple eyes boring into you. then, he let out a small sigh. “you sure are clumsy, you know that?” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. you felt your face flush, and you didn’t really know how to respond. honestly, the fact that he hadn’t killed you yet was a miracle.

“yeah, i guess i am…” you looked down at the floor. “i— why aren’t you mad?” you blurted out, regretting it almost immediately.

scaramouche cocked an eyebrow. “who says i’m not mad?”

oh dear. there was still time for him to murder you yet. “i-i just meant— i mean, people always say you’re this horribly guy, who, like, murders his underlings over the stupidest of things, you know?” wow, you just had to open your big mouth again, didn’t you? you were so nervous that you didn’t notice the little smile playing at scaramouche’s lips. “that’s not what i meant! i just… i should probably stop talking, shouldn’t i?”

scaramouche was struggling to hold back a laugh. “yes, you probably should,” he replied, pretending like he wasn’t enjoying the flustered look on your face. “i will admit, i am known for losing my temper. but it would be foolish of me to kill off such a talented agent over something as trivial as this.”

you couldn’t help but blush a bit at his comment. that wasn’t the first time he had paid you a compliment, either, and you found yourself unable to control your heartbeat when you finally looked him in the eye again. “so…” you trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“so,” he began, leaning in until your faces were merely inches apart, “maybe i should bring you on missions with me more often. i could use someone with your… courage. as long as you promise to try not to fall on the ground as much.”

your face went completely red. you were trying your best to remain composed, but you were probably failing miserably. “i-i think i could do that,” you said, giving him a little nod. he grinned.

“good.” the minute scaramouche stepped back, you let out a breath that you didn’t even know you had been holding. “i’ll see you tomorrow. don’t be late,” he said, rounding the corner and returning to his office.

you stood there for nearly ten minutes, trying to comprehend what the hell just happened. your heart was racing, and you could barely even feel your face anymore. you honestly had no idea what you were feeling…. but one thing was for sure— you definitely weren’t invisible anymore.

ok i’m not completely happy with how this turned out but it’s fine! i’ll live with it lol. people seemed interested in a part two so i delivered! don’t know if i’ll ever add more to this particular fic but i’ll probably do more scara fics in the future, i love the short angry hat man. thanks for reading!

taglist: @kazuhasbiggestsimp @mrsugawara

[littlest-dark-age]

Innocence lost

!!!Contains nsfw content!!! Please do not read if you do not wish to consume nsfw content!!!

Taglist @randomoutsiders @plzineedhelp ft @quindolyn bc she asked

You walk into the great hall, just wanting to sit and rest for a moment after the long day of classes and mishaps that went along with said classes. Quickly spotting James, Sirius, Remus and Peter all in a rather heated discussion, while shovelling food on to their plates and into their mouths between word and breath.

Furrowing your brow as you wonder what could be the possible cause of the borderline argument. Did Sirius pull another prank gone rogue? After all that was often the cause of some of the more heated conversations the group had.

As you grow closer and closer to said group, you notice they're talking in hushed whispers. As well as the fact that Remus has a deep blush and Sirius has that grin that he always gets when he's talking about more…..vulgar topics, Peter looking away from the three and focusing on the stone floor. Unable to see James until you're about to sit, his cheeks redder than cherries and glasses a bit steamy. All of them jump slightly when you sit down and start to put food on your own plate, conversation dying out while you eye them suspiciously.

"Talking about me or something? I'd hope not with the way you lot are blushing.” Sirius rolls his eyes before flashing you a smirk, taking a sip from his cup.

"I'd let you make me blush anyday, darling. But m'not quite the one who's the worst, now am I?"

His eyes drift to the right of you, where James sits and has his hands in his lap. Twitching as he fiddled with the rings littering them. He huffs at Sirius's words, blush still bright as ever.

"Right, and what were you all talking about that has you so?" Eyebrow raised as your hand stops mid reach for the piece of bread in front of you.

"N-nothing, nothing at all…." Peter murmurs from across the table, still turned away from everybody.

"Aw, s'not nothin now is it, wormtail? We're talking about sex darling. The feeling of another's skin against your own, the way you both get so sweaty and get a rush unmatched. How it feels to hold someone so close and make such a mess out of them while they're thanking you for it and asking for more, more and more." Sirius closes his eyes with a devilish grin, knowing that he's properly flustered you as well now.

You blink slowly as you start to comprehend the conversation they might have been happening before you say down, not even a noise of acknowledgment leaving you. But before you can get a word in, Sirius cuts in again.

"And I made a marvelous discovery, shocking really-" before he can finish his sentence, James slams his hand on the table while pushing himself up. Grumbling while he gets up and storms off, out of the great hall and to their dorms you can only assume. You huff while turning to watch him, knowing what a temper James has and wondering what in the world could have Sirius done to set it off now.

"Sirius Orion Black, what have you done to the poor boy?" You stare at him, where he sits across the table. Shocked by James's actions.

"More like what hasn't happened to him…" mumbled before he realized it. All you need to know to piece everything together, anger rising in you at the thought of them picking at him for such a simple thing.

Quickly taking a few bites of your own food, you get up just as James did moments ago. Making your way to the Gryffindor common room, you wonder how angry he had to be to make it there in so little time.

As you creep up the stairs, you only hope he'll talk to you. James is easily one of the most stubborn people you can think of and despises being embarrassed in such a way. Slowly stopping in front of the dorm door, you hesitantly raise your hand to gently knock on the thick door.

"James? It's just me, I wanted to check on you," you call out, trying to not disturb anybody else in case there were others in their own dorms.

The bed creaks from behind the door, followed by shuffling footsteps and finally the lock being undone. There's a moment of stillness, neither you nor James making a move to open the door. A soft sigh leaves you as you reach for the handle to let yourself in, peeking into the room before fully entering it.

James sitting on the chest at the end of his bed, eyes focused onto the floor. Never looking up to meet your own. You can feel your heart constrict at the sight, one that's rather rare as much doesn't put James potter in such a mood as apparently the conversation had. Silently shuffling into the room, you shut the door behind you with a soft click before going to sit on the end of the bed.

Seconds pass with no movement, or words. Until James lifts his head and turns to you, face a bit less red then it had been at the table. Feeling his eyes roam your face, searching for something but you can't tell what it is.

"S'not m fault. Kept pushing until jus' came out. Then pads wouldn' stop."

Brows furrowing in confusion at his words, you turn to face him.

"I'm sure it can't be that bad, Siri always makes things seem much more dire then they are. What could be so bad that they've got you this upset?"

"'ve never had sex…..not like there weren't opportunities, jus' never with the right person…"

You wonder if James can hear how fast your heart is racing, hear all the thoughts that are running through your head. 'who does he mean?....me maybe?'

"....and who is the right person?" Your voice wavers and shakes with every word that leaves your mouth.

James opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water for a moment before shutting it completely.

"I-um, well…..you…." comes out as a soft whisper.

A breath leaves you in shock, and happiness. Thoughts speeding up to a mile a minute, going in every direction possible. Only stopping at the sound of James getting up and standing in front of you, his hands reaching out to gently cup your jaw and lifting it to look up at him. Gently stroking your cheek before leaning down and pressing his warm lips against yours. Softly moving his lips to match your own, wanting nothing more than to feel you completely.

He pulls away with a soft grin, cupping both of your cheeks in his warm hands. You can't help but look up at him with half lidded eyes, the simple kiss enough to spark a need in-between your legs as you place your own hands over his.

"How about I….help...they'd have nothing laugh about then….?"

He bites his lip in thought, before slowly nodding. James leans down once more, one of his hands sliding down to hold the back of your neck. Pressing his lips to yours once more, but with more force and more passion than the last. Moulding themselves to fit perfectly against yours. Only pulling away for a moment of air before diving back in, tugging you closer. You pull away fully after a moment, resting your forehead against his with a soft smile.

"Gonna let me taste you before we have some more fun?" In a teasing lilt, as you grin softly.

James's eyes burst open, searching your face for a hint of a lie that you were joking or messing with him. But finding only a look of want in your eyes and a bit of nervousness etched into your features. He slowly starts to nod while licking his lips, unable to really believe what was going on. That you actually wanted him in the way he's been wanting you for so so long. The thought of if this could have happened sooner crosses his mind but he doesn't pay it any attention, enjoying the fact that it's happening now.

You tug him by his tie down to you, finally pulling him onto you and forcing you to lay back. James catches himself and props up using his elbow, looking down at you with a soft smile. Your free hand finding its way to his soft hair and gripping at the base of his hairline while you lean up to press kisses into his jaw, slowly starting to trail them onto his neck. Barely grazing his skin with your teeth, only enough for him to feel the nip. He lets out a shuddered breath at your teeth on his pulse point, feeling himself harden from the sudden affections.

Letting go of his tie, you run your hands down his chest. His heart drumming against your fingers when you pass over it, continuing to go further down his torso. You can feel the heat radiating off of him even through his clothes. As you slide your hand even further down, finally meeting the edge of his sweater and tug it up. Forcing James to sit back as you pull it off, quickly followed by unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it to the floor.

"Lay down f'me? Wanna make you feel good."

He nods before fixing his glasses, laying down next to you on the bed. His bulge even more apparent now that he's laying on his back. You grin whilst getting off of the bed and standing in-between his spread legs.

Hands rubbing his thighs softly, inching closer and closer to the tent in his pants while you lean down to press kisses on his chest. Slowly making your way down to James's stomach and his happy trail. Stopping once you meet the band of his pants, playfully nipping at the skin around it.

"Bloody tease s'what you are," he shakes his head before running a hand through his already messy curls.

"The best are," you press a kiss into his skin before looking up at him with a sweet smile.

Your hands abandon his thighs in favor of unzipping his pants, starting to tug them off. Grateful that he already took his shoes off once he got into the dorm. James lifts his hips, helping you slide them off of his muscular legs. The outline of his member is enough to make you drool and press your thighs together.

"Look at how hard you are….want me to make it feel better?"

"Yes please, want you so bad m'achin" James nods.

Slowly you start to stroke him over his boxers, eyeing the small wet spot near his head. Not going fast enough or hard enough to give him any real pleasure, just enough to make him even harder and make his tip weep. Thumbing the underside of his cock, feeling the veins even through his boxers. You move down to his tip and lightly suck on it through the fabric, wet spot growing with your spit.

"Fuckin, please, want 'em off," comes out as a breathy whine.

You roll your eyes before pulling away, a string of spit connecting to his boxers. Reaching up to grip the band of them, you snap them against his sensitive skin pulling a yelp from him before tugging them all the way off.

"You're so pretty," comes out before you can stop it, thumb rubbing the deep red tip of his admittedly pretty cock. Thick veins running up the underside of it, slick with his own pre-cum. His tip shining due to the spit and slick.

You lick a stripe up it, following the veins and natural curve. Looking up to see James biting his lip with his eyes screwed shut and chest heaving slightly. Flicking your tongue on the tip before wrapping your lips around it and sucking gently. Slowly taking more and more of his aching member into your mouth, feeling the weight of it on your tongue. You start to hollow your cheeks and slowly bob your head up and down his cock.

"Suck m'cock, take it all in your pretty lil' mouth," he lets out a guttural groan, reaching down to interlock his fingers with your own. Your free hand stroking what you can't take in your mouth, able to feel him throbbing with want and need.

Pulling off of him with a wet pop, you keep pumping him. The soft clicking filling the room as well as James's panting and whines. A thin layer of sweat coating him as he lifts his hips, chasing your hand. Feeling the tension in his belly grow and just wanting it to snap in two, finally being able to cum.

"Please, m'so close," you hear his breathing getting faster, his groans getting louder and whinier. Feeling him twitch in your hand, you pull away with a grin,"No!" James cries out, sitting up with the slightest pout on his lips while panting. His brows furrowed in confusion as to why you stopped right before he came.

"Oh lovie, want you to cum in me. Not in my hand, pretty boy," you crawl to rest on his lap, skirt hiking up on your own. He rests his hands on them, pushing up your skirt even further with every inch he slowly slides his hands up.

"Off, wanna see you," he sounds so needy and desperate, wanting to feel your skin against his own. Tugging at the edge of your skirt before wandering to the buttons on the side, popping them out of place so easily.

You quickly undo your tie, flinging it to an unknown corner to be hunted down later. Slowly you unbutton your shirt, revealing the red lace bra underneath. James's eyes practically bulge out of his head at the sight, letting out a shaky breath and groaning. One hand abandoning your thighs in favor of helping you out of your shirt while he sits up just enough to nip at your bottom lip. You reach back and unclasp the lace lined undergarment, sliding it off.

He starts to pepper kisses down the column of your neck, ghosting over your collarbone and down your chest. Stopping to suck on one of your nipples, circling it with his tongue and looking up at you with wide eyes. His hand drifts to your back, going up to your shoulders and drags his blunt nails down the length of your spine. Sending shivers and another wave of slick to your already flooded panties. Wet enough you're surprised it hasn't leaked onto James's cock.

"Enough, wanna feel you in me now," you tug him off of your chest by a tight grip of his pretty curls, tossing him onto his back and on the bed. Looking into his eyes for a moment, trying to find any hesitation that he didn't want this or you but finding only pure lust.

You lift up your skirt, revealing the red cotton panties and the dark patch your slicks made. Biting your lip as you straddle him on your knees, reaching down to stroke his throbbing member before rubbing his weeping tip along your entrance. Grazing your clit ever so slightly before nudging him between your lips and slowly starting to sink onto him, leaving no gap between your hips.

Sitting still for a moment, adjusting to the stretch and watching James's face at the feeling. His lips hanging open and brows scrunched together at the new but very welcomed feeling.

"S'tight, s'fuckin warm too. Never wanna leave, gonna stay in you f'ever," he groans out, stomach muscles tightening at the thought of having to pull out. He grips your hips, keeping you from moving. Your own hands splay out on his rapidly rising chest, heart thumping against your fingers and only speeding up when you shift.

"Can I move now? Gonna feel even better then, promise," you nod, hoping it'll convince him to loosen his grip even the tiniest bit. James opens his eyes slightly, raking his eyes over your form glistening with sweat. Chest rising with every breath. He licks his lips, wetting them for a moment.

"Y-yes, please," joined with a quick nod.

You start to roll your hips ever so slightly, closing your own eyes at how big you notice James is. The stretch feels so good, nothing like anything you've ever felt before. Gulping down the sounds that try to claw their way out of your throat and mouth, not expecting such subtle motions to pull any sound out of you.

Slowly you start to lift your hips, almost pulling off of his cock all the way before slamming back down and repeating. Speeding up as you dig your nails into James's chest, no doubt to leave marks in the morning. Skin against skin filling the room, as well as the sound of your slick. You begin to bounce on him, needing more. More of James, more of the way his cock is filling you perfectly and ruining you for anybody else. Your walls moulding to him and sucking him in, never wanting to pull away but keep him in your warmth forever.

"So fucking big, feel so good," comes out as a breathless moan, unable to shove your noises down and hide them as you toss your head back. The knot in your stomach tightening, forcing you to clench around his cock. Pulling a stuttered moan from the dark haired boy under you.

Your tits moving in time with your own bounces, jiggling in front of his face. James leans up to capture one of them in his mouth, sucking on it hard enough there will surely be a bruise in the morning. Nibbling on it while you continue to bounce on him. Wanting nothing more than to milk him for everything he's worth, you clench around him again.

Feeling his moan be muffled by your chest and his drool making an even bigger mess than before. You reach down and rub your clit, the knot in your belly tightening until it's about to snap.

"Come on love, wanna make you feel so good and have you cum inside me," your words are enough to send the sensitive boy toppling over the edge, yourself quickly following.

Your moans mixing together just as your slick has. Ropes of warm cum coating your walls, leaking out and down his cock as you slow down until you finally stop. Leaning down as you press your head against his collarbone, heavy pants leaving you.

"O-oh, my god," a breathless chuckle comes from James, paired with a sweet grin and sleepy eyes.

His arms coming to wrap around you, tugging you as close as you can get while pressing a kiss to your sweat slick temple. The room silent but filled with the scent of sex. Both of your chests heaving, as he starts to slowly rub your back.

[imaginativeamateur]

can you do 30 with kakashi and a fem reader pls 🥺🤲 I love your work and am so happy for you regarding your follower milestone, congrats !!

[Kakashi Hatake X Reader] The Power of Love

|200 Followers Event|

Prompt: 30 — "I mean it."

Pairing: Kakashi Hatake x fem!Reader

Note: Aloha, I'm back!!! Thanks for the request and the cheers😝 Okay, this one is AHHH, the title :DD This one is very sentimental but playful at the same time. There's like some serious talk but also entertaining moments, too. Without further ado, please enjoy!

Constant requests that you get married were sent in your way for the past several months. Your parents were tired of having to wait to see you bring a man home, but you had no intention to comply. The topic would come up to the table during dinner every now and then, with your mother furrowing in her brows and your father sighing in distress. On your part, you played cool, soothing them that you just found a guy and dismissing the matter with a feigned grin.

Everything would be ordinary, much to your own liking until your parents secretly signed you up for a match-matching service. You had a big argument that night but they smugly smiled and ensured that you would fall in love with him immediately. It was ridiculous.

“You’d be head over heels in no time, Y/N,” your mother said.

“Like she knows who he is,” you mumbled, scoffing on your way back to your apartment.

Though you completely shut the door to the new romance—the guy that you presumably knew nothing about—you woke up earlier than usual, earlier than you should. You blamed it on your neighbor’s child crying but you discerned that you were being irrational. The whole situation was aberrant. You purposefully threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt that was too worn out for a first date. Still, you could not be any more careless, the last thing you wanted was to get the man to generate some form of adoration for you. You checked yourself in the mirror and made sure that you looked representable nonetheless.

The sun was already high up in the sky when you locked your door and tiredly dropped the keys into your handbag, storming to the destination with angry steps. It was your day off and you could have spent your time on something much more meaningful, training, for example. Kakashi-senpai said you still needed to hone your close combat skills. You pursed your lips at the thought of the Hatake, feeling even more enraged and annoyed. The said Shinobi was a nice guy, he was gentle and mannered with everyone but you. He treated you like his kid, bossing you around, requesting you to dig through the shelves of bookstores to find the limited edition of Icha Icha that was recently published. But you did not quit being his subordinate. Kakashi had everything that you needed to harness, from his skills to knowledge, and you would never let such a golden opportunity go wasted.

Being with him for two long years brought you many benefits and visible improvements, one of them being your patience. You were short-tempered and Kakashi was just the perfect tame to your boiling climate. The silver-haired veteran knew you were cantankerous on some days, like today, when you were having an involuntary sunbathing session, and would always be later than he usually would. Over the drenching months, you grew indifferent to his tardiness, adapted to his peculiar conscience of time, and no longer rambled when he arrived. He would come up with the most bizarre excuses to get away with it, and at first, you were furious about it, but you found them somewhat adorable now.

You smiled, wondering why you were recalling your moments with Kakashi when you were waiting for your date to come. You bit the inner side of your cheek when you realized your patience was running thin—it reminded you of your silver-haired senpai. Releasing a shaky breath, you calmed yourself down, assuring that you would apologize to the man that it was merely a misunderstanding with your parents that they signed you up for today. You rubbed the surface of the table with your fingers and let your thoughts carried you away at the moment, unconsciously drumming the rhythm of your favorite song—his favorite song that you grew accustomed to after years of the very special silver-haired occupying your day.

“You seem nervous.”

Your head perked at the unexpectedly familiar voice, “Kakashi-senpai?”

The silver-haired settled himself in the opposite seat with ease, “Good morning, Y/N.”

“What are you doing here?” You did not bother to greet him back properly due to the tremendous shock being registered into your system.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to… to,” you came to a halt, fumbling with the hem of your shirt when you found it impossible to continue. It was embarrassing.

“Blind date?” He questioned, quirking a brow.

Your cheeks heated up in modesty, unable to answer his beseech.

“That seems like a yes,” Kakashi leaned back, enjoying your flustered state, “I’m here for a blind date, too.”

“A what?”

“A blind date,” he repeated without failing to lose his composure.

It took you several seconds to comprehend the whole situation, then you shifted in your chair, propping your elbows onto the table to hide your blush, “This is such an… interesting encounter. But I won’t change my mind.”

You were fairly absolute with the plan to turn the whole thing down, despite whoever was your date, despite it being Kakashi Hatake. You did not want to risk the bond that took you so long to form with him and the trust that he enlisted you upon. You could not.

“I also came resolute,” he made a simple, yet down-to-earth statement. Kakashi caught your eyes and challenged, “What do you want to do after a coffee date?”

“No,” you jerked away, “what are you saying? Are you okay, senpai?”

“We’re on a date and you still call me senpai?”

“Look, we’re not going to do this, we can’t, Kakashi,” you tried to explain but to no avail.

The silver-haired smugly smiled, “Good, Kakashi sounds much nicer.”

“I’m not joking,” you cleared your throat and glared at him.

“Neither am I, Y/N. I mean it.”

Your lips fell apart as the coherence in your mind shattered into bits and pieces. Kakashi silently observed the fleeting expressions that you made, waiting for your response.

“I don’t know,” you stuttered. You knew who Kakashi was and the tragedy of your occupation. The two of you did not deserve anyone’s love, for once that you held the chance of breaking their heart. You looked away from his eyes to conceal the wavering of your emotions, “I never thought about life in that way. I don’t need a man in my life, that’s what I’d like to believe. I don’t want anyone to feel battered when I’m gone.”

“I hate it to see those I love cry and mourn, too,” he mumbled. You listened attentively as though it was yourself confessing to the dark. Kakashi continued, “I only live for a certain amount of time but I have been constantly filling it with despair and loneliness. There were things that I want to do and people that I want to love, but because of my fear of hurting them, I didn’t. But after the massive loss that I’ve experienced, everything was different, I understood how painful regret actually is.”

Tears began to well in your eyes the more his words dropped. You balled your fists, blinking profusely to prevent the warm droplets from escaping. Kakashi noticed your quiet sobs, running his fingers over your trembling hands, loosening your grip, and interlacing your fingers with his. You released a heavy sigh and pulled both your hands back, wiping away your tears as quickly as when they fell and dampened the fabric of your jeans.

“You’re not at the bottom of agony when you lose someone important,” Kakashi breathed, “it’s when you feel empty after they’ve left and mourning on what you could’ve done when they were still with you.”

Your sobs eventually assuaged as you chewed on his words. The silver-haired distracted himself by stirring the liquid of his drink, but he was in no state to enjoy its taste. He already said everything he wanted to say, and the decision was now fully on your shoulders. But by your lack of response, he was sure that you did not see your relationship taking another form—the way that he wished. He abruptly stood up from his seat, fleeting on his feet, “Let’s forget about what’s happened. I mean I still respect you as my teammate, Y/N. Don’t forget our meeting tomorrow.”

“No-no, Kakashi-senpai, wait,” you moved, hastily shoving your hands in his direction, gripping his wrist like a vice. You hung your head low to avoid his investigating gaze as you spoke, “I do.”

His gears in his head turned, and Kakashi smiled with satisfaction, “You do what?”

Your heart was beating frantically in your chest, so fast that you felt its rapid pumps in your throat. You stuttered out, voice growing quieter the more you expressed, “I-I want to go out with you, senpai—”

“Drop the ‘senpai’ already,” he playfully hissed and you grinned, certain that you just made the best choice of your life. Kakashi leaned down and rested his chin on your shoulder blade, snuggling his face into your neck, “Thank you, Y/N. Thank you for letting me love you.”

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Taglist: @dai-tsukki-desu @thenightfallingstar @iam-gaaras-loveintrest @animepickle7 @tirzamisu @rinnegankakashi

[annieharkness]

Glimpses: Part 9 (Kathryn Hahn x Fem!Reader)

Part 1 // previous chapter <<< >>> next chapter 

Summary: Are you... finally having a date?

Word Count: 2.6k

A/N: Hey y’all! Again, I apologize for the delay but uni didn’t allow for me to have some free time to write. I’ll try to upload something earlier next week and hope you enjoy the new chapter until then! xxx

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“Wish I could've seen your beautiful face on my screen tonight, sweetheart.“ You stare at your phone. Is she… flirting? By now it’s too late, so you can’t ask Alex for help since she is already sound asleep on her side of the world. You ruffle your hair and let your head fall to the back to look at the ceiling. Taking in a deep breath, you close your eyes and consider your options. Tonight, it’s only you, your phone and Kathryn. 

Unsure of what to do, you opt for the safer way and start a conversation rather than flirt with her right away, because honestly, you don’t even know what to do. “You know, we all actually hoped you guys would be able to see us, too.“

You are not sure if you blew it with that, but then again it’s not like you and Kathryn haven’t talked about things the fans think before, not that you are not one of them, but that’s a different story. She takes a while to respond and you throw your phone on the bed before lying down on your back.

Looking up at the stars on your ceiling, you reflect on what happened within the last week until your phone lights up again. You lie there for a short while waiting for Kathryn to respond and think about what plans you have for the rest of the week. You train of thought gets stopped when your phone lights up. You turn to your side to look at it and realize it lit up, yes, but this time there is no new message. Instead, additionally to lighting up, your phone starts to vibrate as hold it in your hand - a familiar face looking right at you. Yours. She is calling you. KATHRYN. On Facetime. 

Shocked as you are, you throw your phone across the room and as you try to catch it you hit it again, which only makes it fly further away. You immediately jump after it and fall from your bed in the process, taking a tumble before rolling off on the floor. Typical you and you would roll your eyes at yourself right now, if only you weren’t so busy reaching out for your phone.

For a moment, you think about how you could’ve hit your head pretty hard just a second ago, but somehow your body went into god mode and you managed to roll off pretty quickly. Phone in hand you are lying on the floor, all sprawled out as the time runs out to pick up the call. Gladly, you remember you should and take it as you still lie on the floor.

“Kathryn?“, you try to catch your breath. “Sweetheart, HEY!“, you catch a glimpse of her as you’re getting up to sit on your chair and hear her laugh. “What exactly are you doing, Y/N? You look… You are a mess, honey! WHAT HAPPENED?“

You immediately stop in your motion and look at her while running a hand through your hair trying to look more presentable. “I…“, you stutter. “I… I.. My phone… Floor. I had to… It’s…“

“Sweetheart you gotta take a breath for me now.“, she looks at you concerned.

“Yes, thank you Kathryn, yes. Hello there! I’m sorry. I might’ve hit my head actually. I’m not sure.“ She smiles once again while she is looking at you with her warm, blue eyes, as she gives you another minute to calm down after you ramble. “Well, I’m glad I get to see you now. I hate those one sided video things, especially since I’ve missed your face.“ She winks.

“You saw me like… 5 days ago. You’ll live.“ You can’t help but laugh at her antics once again and the both of you sit in comfortable silence for a moment until she breaks it. “Anyway, I am calling because I wanted to know if you will come and spend some time in my garden again this weekend.“ The words leave her mouth and you hear her but your brain seems unable to comprehend what is being said. How can this be your life right now?

While you are caught up in your thoughts Kathryn continues talking. “I promise this time we’ll stay at my place. No surprise gigs or anything to attend. Just the gals hanging out.“ You want to ask her if this is a date, you really do, but you can’t get yourself to be bold like that. Instead you just shoot her a wide smile as she waits for your answer and nod. “Yes! Absolutely! I mean… We never got to finish that bottle of wine we opened, so…“

Now it’s her turn to nod and you both fall silent again. Even though you are fully comfortable sitting in silence and just spending time with her in real life, it feels different on Facetime. Kathryn seems to notice rather quickly and breaks the silence again.

“Well, Sweetheart. I’ll let you go because I’m sure you’ve got other things to do. I will send you details for the weekend as soon as I know what my schedule looks like and then I’ll have Peter pick you up again?“

“That sounds amazing!…“ And you should've stopped there but at the same time you feel  a little adventurous, so you throw a common phrase in there that Alex uses any chance she gets. Realizing you could always say you don’t mean it that way makes it even easier - after all Kathryn doesn’t know you actually do. “It’s a date!“

Her smile turns into a wide grin. “It’s a date. I’ll see you on Saturday then.“

“Not if I see you first.“

—

You don’t see her first. Kathryn would never admit it, but she is in fact very nervous and paces up and down the house waiting for you. She fully cleaned all of it last night already, knowing that you would come over today. 

When she hears Peter and you arrive with the car, she walks up to the front door immediately and opens it right as you exit the car. You're wearing a flow-y summer dress again and your hair falls your shoulders in beautiful curls. A pair of sunglasses is propped up on top of your head and she can see you squinting your eyes against the sun.

Kathryn is leaning against the door frame as Peter sees you off and the two of you laugh about a dad joke he makes. She likes how you get along with everyone around her so well and her heart skips a beat as you turn around and your eyes meet. She is beautiful. A dark green pantsuit, that Kathryn combined with a white shirt (including the rolled up sleeves, of course), is hanging loosely off her shoulder. Her hair is in its usual curly mess and slowly moves in the wind as a fresh breeze hits her face.

Faster than anticipated you make your way up to her and wrap her up into a hug that, according to your consideration, is a little bit longer than a usual hug. She holds onto you just as tight and her hand wanders up to the back of your neck. When you finally let go of earth other you forget to put distance between your bodies again, so you find yourself just a couple inches away from her face once again.

“You look… stunning.“ She says as her hand softly pushes back a strand of hair behind your right ear.

“THANK YOU!“, you say in a high pitched voice as your eyes widen because of how embarrassing that voice raise was. “You look beautiful as always yourself, Kathryn.“

The smile on her face tells you that the compliment is sitting very well with her and you decide to keep a bit of the mystery, so you brush against her as you walk inside the house and make your way to the door thats leading to the garden.

Stunned, Kathryn stays in the doorframe for a moment before following you out onto the patio. She reaches you before you can reach the seating area because you purposefully strolled a little and appreciated the beauty of her backyard.

“I love your dress! That color and fit is just… you look beautiful, Y/N.“ You blush and it doesn’t go unnoticed by her as she has just caught up to you. The two of you have reached the couch and she offers you to sit first and makes sure you have a drink and everything you need before she makes herself comfortable. Just like last time, she sits down across from you first, keeping the mystery and all. 

The Kathryn you get to meet now is not that much different from the Kathryn you met within the last two weeks. She is funny and open and, if anything has changed, then it is the fact that she is much more relaxed without all the other people around.

As she tells you about her latest interview fails and gives you inside on her life, you can’t help but fall for her a little more, especially whenever she throws her head back as she laughs wholeheartedly. 

When it’s your turn to tell stories, you tell her about your childhood hobbies and how does might effect your future. She is very interested in arts and you immediately agree to meet up again to create something together. Talking about how you spend your free time, you finally mention Alex and talk about how fast she became your best friend. Just as always, she makes you feel like you are the most important person on the planet as you talk and somehow you feel like Alex becomes important to her as well, the moment you talk about how important she is to you.

With every glass she pours, Kathryn scooches a little closer to you until your knees nearly touch. Whenever you laugh about a joke, she reaches out to put her right hand on your leg and as you finish the first bottle of wine and she decides to order pizza as the sun starts to set, she plops down right next to you after getting the menu off the kitchen table.

Being fully comfortable with her now, you let yourself sink into her shoulder as the two of you browse the pizza names to see what you want to order. Luckily, you make a decision rather quickly while Kathryn needs some time, so you can enjoy the moment of closeness for a little while longer.

For the very first time, you realize how good her hair smells and how calming her aura is. You close your eyes to take it all in and smile to yourself about the sheer happiness that you are feeling in this very moment. 

Kathryn notices how calm you have gotten and leans back as her left arm sneakily finds its way across your shoulder to hold you close to her. Leaning back into the couch, she pulls you with her and the both of you sit in silence as you listen to her heartbeat. 

After a while, you hear a deep growl and Kathryn gets startled out of her meditational state. “Oh I’m sorry! I must be hungrier than I thought I am.“

She takes out her arm from behind you again and reaches for the menu and her phone to call the delivery service. When the pizza arrives and she comes back from the front door, she sits down on the other side of the couch once again and you immediately miss being by her side.

The pizza is nice, maybe even the best pizza you’ve had from any delivery service before, and by the time you finished eating, the sun has fully set. Not sure how she is going to react, you fiddle with your fingers for a moment before making a proposal.

“I.. actually arranged something. I looked up Peter’s agency and asked for his number and asked him if he could take us somewhere tonight. I mean.. If you’d wanna go?“

Once again speechless, Kathryn looks at you with wide eyes and raised eyebrows as her face is beaming from excitement. “Absolutely! Do we… need anything or are we good to go right away?“ It’s nice that she wants to help, but she doesn’t have to. Alex and you have planned for this very moment all week and talked it all through several times, so that Peter and you could arrange the surprise for Kathryn.

You help her up from the couch and lead her back into the house, where a filled basket, that has magically appeared, is waiting at the front door. Peter is already waiting in the car ready to take you to the stars.

It’s a rather short drive as he takes you to a little meadow on a hill where you can look over Los Angeles in between rocks and trees and actually see the stars as well. Naturally, he stays in the car and ready a book as the two of you walk up to the corner of the hill, where a small spot suggests that lots of couples have spent some time there. 

“This is perfect, Y/N. I….“ She looks at you before looking up at the night sky and stops talking as she feels your eyes on her. Your fingers on the blanket are close enough to hers that you can feel her warmth and you slowly move them closer. Neither of you breaks eye contact as your hands touch and a tingles move through all of your body.

You bite the inside of your lower lip in anticipation as you cup her hand with yours completely. Giving it one last squeeze, you let go and cup her face instead. Slowly, you move closer until you can feel her breath on your lips. Looking into her eyes for one last time, you overcome the remaining inches and capture her lips in a longing kiss as your hands find their way into her long hair.

Leaning into the kiss with a little too much force, combined with the fact that she is so focused on the way you make her feel, makes her lose balance and she falls backwards onto the blanket. Before you can do anything about it, you find yourself on top of Kathryn who is grinning and goes in for yet another kiss. Now she is the one who is holding onto you and her hands glide all over your body as she takes no measures to get you off of her.

You make out with her in that position for a short moment, before she stops in her tracks. “We can’t. Not like that. Not out here. I’m sorry, Sweetheart.“

“Oh no, don’t be sorry. You are absolutely right.“ You smile and kiss her shortly for one last time before getting off of her. “Let’s go back home? It’s getting rather cold anyway.“

“Home? Are you… Staying over tonight?“ She looks at you, unsure of what to expect.

For a moment you consider if you should play it save, but thinking about everything that happened tonight, you decide to go into full offense and shoot your shot while you wink at her. “Well, Ms. Hahn. Seems like you are asking me to stay, so I might as well.“

She looks at you and you can tell she is biting her lip before she looks back at the lights in front of her as she grabs your hand. “Please stay, Y/N. I would love that.“

[urimaginespimp]

Last Kiss (This Love pt 6)

Bucky x reader (elemental witch)

Set on Endgame.

Note: This one is a rollercoaster of emotions

previous part

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Fear was creeping up within you as you stared at Thanos’ army approaching definitely outnumbering you and the rest of the team. Nevertheless, you were ready to fight in honor of Nat. The wound in your heart from losing her is too fresh.

But before you knew it, a golden ring, followed by another one after another started appearing behind you, and you were too struck to move when one by one, everyone who disappeared five years ago started walking out.

And then you see him, weapon in hand, ready to finish the fight.

The fear within you was long gone, and was suddenly replaced with hope.

--------

Everybody was working together in the fight. You were holding your own pretty well, just killing any one of Thanos’ army near you or overwhelmingly attacking anyone else on your side. You paused for a second to catch your breath when a voice spoke behind you.

“Can’t you look ugly for once, doll? I mean we’re in a middle of a fight and you still look like an angel.” You turned and faced a panting Bucky. He was still holding a weapon, dirt and dried blood on him, but he was giving you a small grin.

Your eyes welled in tears as you take him in. Hell, you don’t know what to say...

“I-”

But before you could finish embarrassing yourself before the man you’ve been waiting on for five years, he closed the space between you and captured you in a kiss.

His lips were softer than you’ve imagined them to be, but before you could even comprehend what was going on, he broke away.

“Buck-” you whispered.

“Just wanted to do that in case I turn to dust again.” he whispered with a shit-eating grin, before turning back to fighting.

You chuckled, shaking your head to not get too distracted from that welcomed rude interruption and went back to fighting.

---------

Nat and Tony. Two of the first Midgardians you’ve met, and now you swore to hold in your heart forever.

It was just a little while after the funeral when you decided to sit with Tony’s daughter Morgan, and Happy.

“You’re Y/N.” She gazed up to you with wonder behind her eyes.

“Yeah, I was your dad’s friend.” you smiled, looking down next to you where she sat. You didn’t know Tony talked about any of you to her.

“He said you would be the best one to build forts with and that he didn’t like your boyfriend.” She tilted her head to the side, reminding you of Tony’s mannerisms.

“I uh... don’t have a boyfriend.” you coughed awkwardly.

“That’s ok, I’m not allowed to have one too.” she gave you a toothy grin. Happy and you exchanged looks.

“Is it Jesus with the robot arm? I saw him staring at you.” She asked you with no hesitation, prompting Happy to stand before you two.

“Yeah, that’s enough. Wanna get that cheeseburger now?” He offered his hand to her, which she took happily and said a quick bye to you.

You made a mental note to pay them a visit someday. Standing up from the seat, you walked down and stopped by the lake when Steve approached you, now in his suit.

“I saw the punk finally kissed you.” He smiled at you.

“We haven’t really talked about it yet. A funeral is hardly the best setting for it.” you shrugged.

“I hope that was the end of you being dumbasses around each other.” he nudged your shoulder, chuckling.

“I don’t know, Steve. I quiet enjoy making you want to pull out that golden hair of yours.” You smirked at him.

“Take care of each other, okay?” He faced you now, making you turn his way as well in confusion.

You were about to ask him why he was talking like he was leaving for good when it clicked. He smiled at you when he saw the realization dawn on you.

“Take care of us yourself, coward.” You smirked, but your eyes were also tearing up. Steve was leaving too.

“I just lifted your father’s hammer.” he feigned offense, and took a step closer to you, taking you in his free arm. “I love you, kid. Despite how much you like making my old heart uncomfortable sometimes.” you felt him kiss the top of your head.

“Again, I called you ‘daddy’ once and it was out of a dare.” you weakly punched his chest. “I love you too, old man. No matter how boring your war stories are.”

Breaking away from him, you wiped the stray tear on your cheek. “Go get that dance.” you smiled genuinely at him, which he returned.

“What, no last snarky remark to remember you by?” he teased, making you roll your eyes at him.

��Don’t break a hip doing so.”

“There we go.”

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“Are you sure you wanna stay?” Thor asked you for the third time.

“I don’t like space that much.” you smiled at him. He decided that he was gonna join Quill and the rest of the group. “And with the amount of people who just missed 5 years, I wanna help them get back on their feet.”

“And the old man?”

“Father, I’m older than him.” you reminded. He still couldn’t accept it when Mantis pointed out to him that you have sexual love for the man with the lomg hair and metal arm. He was acting like a protective father.

“If he hurts you, you tell me.”

“Do you have a phone now? A computer?”

“No, what for?” He laughed at you.

“You’ll hear from me through Rocket.” you promised. “You guys take care of yourselves, ok?” and he assured you with a nod.

Throwing your arms around him, you promised to take care of New Asgard, and to stay out of trouble. Your father sealed his departure with a kiss on your temple and a promise to visit you when he can.

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You were now walking around the property, exchanging greetings and goodbyes to the people who were still there while looking for Bucky, when you finally see him walking around aimlessly. And as if sensing your eyes on him, he looked your way.

You tried to give him a smile, and you were confused when he didn’t return it, just nodded at you and walked the other way.

You decided to follow him. Catching up, you were now only a few steps away from him when you called him.

“Buck are you okay?” you asked him, concern lacing your voice.

Stopping on his tracks, he turned around to face you with a serious expression.

“Steve left.” He stated looking at you with a frown etched on his forehead.

You nodded as a reply. You couldn’t begin to think how he was feeling.

“You know, it seems that everyone else already knows which path to take next except me. All I’ve been doing is jumping from one fight to another.” He started to rant.

“Wakanda-”

“Y/N I was hiding in Wakanda. I need... I want to start finding myself now that I’m recovered. And let's face it. You need it too. We can’t keep living in a sanctuary. And I just think I can’t start fresh when I’m around people who would remind me even the tiniest of my parts as the winter soldier.” you were still trying to wrap your head around what he was saying when he spoke again.

“I’m sorry for kissing you. I wasn’t thinking straight.” he looked anywhere but you, but his face was contoured with certainty.

“Buck what are you saying?” deep down you knew. You just didn’t want to believe it.

“I’m saying I’m letting you go, Y/N.” He said, his eyes finally meeting yours. “Take care of yourself.” he finished, and turned away again, starting to walk away.

“Bucky I...” You wanted to tell him. To just let it finally out, but now something in you, maybe a little anger, stopped you from making any more of a fool of yourself.

But it didn't go unheard by the super soldier as he turned to look at you one last time.

“I know, Y/N. And I’m sorry but I can’t... I can’t love you the way you'd hope me to. You’ll see that I’m right someday, and you’ll thank me for it.” He gave you one last sad attemot of a smile, before finally leaving you, glued to where you were standing, unable to fathom what just happened while simultaneously feeling a part of you just... break.

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(set a little into TFATWS finally)

WARNING: Mention of assault. Look out for *(start) and ** (end)

Six months. It’s been six months since you’ve last seen him. And every day it was getting harder to keep yourself from finally admitting to yourself that you’re mad at him.

True to your promise to Thor, you were taking care of the people of Asgard, using some of the wealth him left you with to send some of the younger ones to school, and with the help of Pepper, even buy some shares of some companies. To say the New Asgard was doing well would be an understatement. The people were merely taking up jobs out of interest.

Val as usual, saw through you. She told you it was okay to be mad – that it was a stepping point to start moving on.

“Come on Y/N. The dude kissed you and changed his mind just like that. I would’ve broken his nose if I were you.” She told you one night after catching you looking at a photo of him given to you by Steve. “You can’t tell me you’re not holding even just a tiny grudge.”

“Okay, if it makes you feel any better, I am holding a little resentment.” you shrugged at her, making her reply ‘good enough’.

You just didn’t think it was going to end that way for you both. And now you were wishing you’ve taken those 5 years as an opportunity to rid of any romantic feelings you had for him. Maybe then it wouldn’t have hurt at all when he left.

You tried to ask Sam a number of times if he had any idea how he was doing, but he’d say that Bucky kept ignoring his texts.

For a few weeks every night, you’d been wearing one of the only shirts he owned back in Wakanda. And before you sleep, you think of the image you’ve engraved in your mind – him sleeping peacefully next to you in Wakanda, just after a nightmare.  Then you’ll wake up the next morning hoping he’d have a good day, and that maybe something would remind him of you and make him wish he’d stayed. And It went that way over and over, until one distinct night.

*

There was knocking on your door late at night, waking you up from your sleep. Opening the door, you were met with three of the women you know, holding up a younger one who was crying and shaking in shock.

They explained that she’d been close to getting assaulted after a night of partying and losing sight of her friends. Thankfully the three women found her and were able to pry the man away. But what was worse was that this wasn’t the first time something like that happened.

**

Save the world once or twice, there would still be shitty people. That was what you realized that night.

So maybe he was right. You realized that what the Avengers taught you about Midgard didn’t cover much of the shitty things that happen frequently to innocent people.

And that was when you decided to replace nights off wallowing in self-pity, with going out at night, staying in clubs or hanging out in its bathrooms, just making sure everybody was safe. And soon enough, crime rate at night in your area reduced significantly.

Maybe if you divert your attention to literally anything else besides the man, you’d actually get over him.

All was well until one morning as you were kicking off the heels and taking of your dress from the night before to finally get some sleep, the tv you had on flashed something that caught your attention.

A stranger holding Steve’s Shield was being called the new Captain America.

What the actual fuck?

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@eternalharry @iheartsebandchris @lizzarooni @the-ayo-lit @tanyaherondale @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul