#hopefully tomorrow's post won't be so late in the day lol

[stressedlawsecretary]

Today's Focus

12.14.23 - I got up so late today I'm surprised I'm in at work relatively on time at all. That being said, I had an extremely good day yesterday and I'm trying to have one today as well. I'm wearing my new Snoopy sweater (this is a Youth Lg btw) and I'm feeling Christmas-y, though I forgot my hair clip to pull my front pieces back a little bit.

Work - Um, well I'm doing one more of those trial notification letters; I have four (4) of them to do but like I said, SJC doesn't need them until after the 19th. So I did one yesterday, I'll do one today, tomorrow, and Monday, and then all four (4) are done before the deadline. Other than that it's whatever I get asked to do lol.

Background Noise - I start the day with 99 on the Watch Later but that number is going to look much better tomorrow even if I don't watch all the ones that come off.

I did watch about seven (7) videos on YT yesterday despite all the DVR watching so I'm not doing awful I don't think.

Study - I'll see what I can do, because I'm still working on organizing a few things and until that's done my brain won't leave me alone. But it's book day so I have A Short History of Money & Banking pulled up, and I'm still aiming to read some article relating to subjects friendlyjordies covers on the regular. Those should be good enough goals, right?

Ah now yesterday I did well on 'studying' because I got seven (7) of the nine (9) planned hours off my DVR, including the 90-minute CBS Sunday Morning and 60 Minutes episodes that were saved back for me. I also managed to do a short documentary from Absolute History on female bare-knuckle fighters of Georgian London.

Extras - It's Thursday, so it's garbage day. I also am doing dinner way early so I can hopefully shower by like 7:30 tonight and my hair can at least be fucking dry when I go to be gd it. Oh, I finished rough drafts of like 3 different rants so now I have about four of them to type up and post and I'm going to be working on that for sure.

[submitforher]

you're the sweetest angel i've ever met <3

i'm sorry you've had such a busy time lately ! i hope you get the chance to get some real rest and downtime soon, i'm sure you're exhausted. i also hope that your trip to minnesota goes well! i hope you have a nice time seeing where your grandma came from and that you can make some really nice memories there. ^^ i hope it's not too far away too !

as for me, i could always leave an extra anon message to tell you about what i'm up to and you could just respond to this one so you wouldn't have to share it? it's nothing too majorly private but i think i get paranoid that someone i know will work out who i am since i'm pretty shy in real life... (although i'm aware how far fetched that is lol) ANYWAY! thank you so much for the early birthday wishes <3 i'll tell you my birthday is next thursday so it's a shame you won't be here, but of course i trust youll be here eventually and you have a busy busy time ahead of you so it's no big deal!^^

but you don't ever need to feel bad because i promise to you that it isn't one sided. you can always be open with me and tell me anything you want to. and i don't know if you're just saying that, but either way i will listen over and over. for you. thinking of you. how good you have always been. if you promise to keep thinking of me. ^^

please have a good trip and be safe !!!! i'll be thinking of you !!

- 🐻

i'm your angel, at that. thank you though, your praises are enough to get me feeling like i'm on cloud nine. being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is when you're not getting some of that down time for yourself to decompress and what not. for me, i have to have my alone time or else i get a little irritated. i'm not going to get that much rest 'til after i get back from my trip to minnesota. it's a 20 hour drive there and back. i've driven further than that before, so it's nothing to me but hopefully we get there tomorrow afternoon safely and in one piece. i'm going to be there for a week and i'm not looking forward to it that much but i'm going to try to make the most of it because this is the first and last time that i'm ever going up there.

in response to the other message, i'm so fucking proud of you, baby bear! what an opportunity that is for you and i have no doubt in my mind that you're going to excel at whatever it is that you're studying for! i'd like to know about this degree though, is it something that you're passionate about? i think you're so interesting and if i'm being honest, i'd like to know even more about my baby bear. if you ever share more personal information with me, i'd never post it in case you could be identified. even though it's highly unlikely, you never know with the internet. i get the paranoia because i'm a rather private person myself, i have like no personal social media accounts because i have nothing to post about. my life's not that interesting. next thursday is your birthday? i'm going to put that down on my calendar so i'd never forget and i'm going to try to be here on that special day for you. if not, i'm going to make it up to you. the birthday bear gets spoiled.

i would've been kind of heartbroken if it was one-sided. i'm far too attached to you after talking to you for a while and that's not me saying that to say that, i mean that. with all of my heart. the audios, my thoughts... they're for you. i'm going to keep thinking of you no matter what, baby bear. that's a promise.

[ray-talks]

07/28/2023

this is the beginning of my digital mental health diary. there is a void that i wish to throw my thoughts into like a bottomless well.

i have developed an eating disorder, which i will thoroughly document via the ray-talks blog. as of now, i do not intend upon recovery; however, i do support the recovery of others. i have a multitude of other mental health issues i have been battling with over the years. additional documentation of this will be included as well. the purpose of the blog is mostly for venting purposes, so that i have an outlet for my emotions.

evidently, there is a clear trigger warning for those in recovery of their mental health. this blog is not for you nor anyone else. the intention of the blog is solely for my usage alone. furthermore, i am eighteen, and i would advise those under that specific age to avoid this blog too. i do not condone any of the behavior exhibited in this blog. to add on, diary entries may not be daily, either explained through smaller posts or generally out of unwillingness to write.

today was a rainy day. therefore, i couldn't take my daily walk until late in the afternoon. this frustrated me and resulted in excess anxiety. i felt tumultuously as i didn't have a way to make up for last night's dinner. luckily, the rain cleared and i was able to walk outside, despite the dampness of the air. tomorrow i will attempt to walk around 20km as a challenge for myself. i am a little excited to do this. the only obstacle is the potential of my parents being disapproving of me spending hours outside. hopefully, this won't be too big of a barrier.

i ate a few bites of a small slice of pizza and that was my intake for the day. unfortunately, i am forced to eat a little by my family each day. i hope that once i go to college, i am able to fast for several days, as i will live away from my family. i am far away from my current ugw, which will hopefully come to fruition in the upcoming months. best chances is by the end of the year. but i am getting closer to my first, yet less significant goal weights. i am too ashamed to disclose my exact numbers, but as a 180cm individual, i am bordering between average and underweight.

i saw my therapist today. we discussed ocd exposures and i was assigned a task, that i may or may not fulfill (lol). additionally, we did some adhd testing. just diagnostic materials via personal questions. i am neutral upon whether i have adhd or not. i know for a fact that i have autism, and this may be what i perceive to be adhd symptoms. or it is possible to have both!! i am a deeply interest-based person with hyperactive behavior. my inability to receive satisfactory sensory input coupled with my inattentiveness lends me to believe i may have adhd. regardless, the session went alright.

i have not discussed my disordered eating/thoughts with my therapist. aforementioned before, i do not wish to recover. i am content with unhealthy weight loss. my parents and therapist have been suspicious of me, but not enough to warrant any alarm. i have accepted that i am not a good person. as a good person would not actively lie to those they care about for their own gain. it does leave me conflicted, though. i wish sometimes that i could just be a normal person who does not seek to destroy themself at every turn. but i cannot do it. i cannot even do it for the sake of other people.

there are so many thoughts swimming through my head. i feel like it is a pipe that keeps leaking and leaking. this is why i have to do this blog, because i need somewhere for the words to stick and rot. it feels like my true intention is to eventually reach my ugw, then promptly pass away. it is difficult to imagine a future beyond this goal of mine. i do not know if people feel the same way i do. my weight loss is not just to be thinner, even though, that is a massive part of it. it is also because i so sorely despise myself. i should be punished. if hunger is my punishment, then so be it.

i do not have much more to discuss. i would say the day worsened as it went along. simply for the mere fact that i was struggling with food cravings, and that saddened me.

even so, i wish anyone who reads this a good day and to take care of themselves. cheers to the fact this is my first diary entry of my blog!

[starfallvalley]

The Small Folk

AKA I didn’t want to have too many categories so I put all the short people together. This one is going to be Vincent, Jas, Dwarf, and Krobus. Not including Leo because I’ll put him with the other Ginger Island characters.

   Dwarf

Dwarf is an odd case where I’m actually just changing part of his base design, rather than inflicting some sort of transformation on him. He’s got a star-nosed mole nose now! Also, instead of being trapped behind a rock, he digs around in the mines using a gigantic pair of mechanical claws he built. No more sitting around idly all day, there’s work to be done!

   Jas - Moonlight Jelly

She’d always wanted to see one of the rare green jellies that Marnie talked about. So, when the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies rolled around and her aunt said that she could go out on the pier herself, Jas made a mad dash out to the edge to try and spot one. No one could stop the rocketing little girl from tumbling right off the edge. Willy helped fish her out, and Marnie gave her quite the scolding. Something about the water must have done something to her, though; the little girl’s skin is always giving off a ghostly green light, just barely visible, and her clothes ripple as if they’re underwater, even when there’s no wind.

   Krobus - Buggy

Living in a sewer was a lot nicer than you might think, really. It got a bit lonely, but all things considered it really wasn’t a bad place to be. The only thing that Krobus didn’t like was the tunnels full of strange bugs and tepid water. The bugs didn’t attack them, but they had to beat back the nests to make sure they didn’t infest and clog up the rest of the sewer. They call it the mutant bug lair for a reason, though; you might notice a flicker of translucent wings behind Krobus’s back every once in a while, and when they eat a pair of mandibles poke out of the shadow person’s mouth.

   Vincent - Bug King

As soon as Miss Penny opened up the arcane section of the library, Vincent was trying to sneak into it. Books were usually boring, but dangerous and forbidden books? Now THAT was interesting. He had to get in there. Finally, he managed to slip in when the gargoyle wasn’t watching and immediately dashed along the shelves, watching for a specific set of numbers. He didn’t understand the dewey decimal system, but he did know that 595.7 meant books with pictures of bugs in them. He pulled one or two at random as soon as he found the number on the shelf and started reading. Getting grounded and having extra homework was totally worth it, after that. Not only could he talk to the bugs, they actually listened to him now! The antennae were kinda weird, and the shell was awkward sometimes, but mostly he wasn’t mad. Plus, the bugs would help him clean the mud off his shoes when he got home so that Mom wouldn’t get mad, so it was all worth it.

  Shorter one today! A few of these are some of the oldest ideas for this AU, so it’s fun to share them. Not sure what’s coming next, but stay tuned!

  tl;dr Dwarf has a slight design change to be more like a star-nosed mole, but that’s all. Jas is a magical girl jellyfish. Krobus is buggy (wings and mandibles). Vincent is also buggy, and has control over bugs.

[sinditia]

cw personal shit

been having nightmares again. had three of them in one night last night, woke up in a cold sweat each time until i finally just gave up and got up with a massive headache. coffee helped a little. had just enough to make the headache go away but not too much that my old lady gastritis flares up again. hit my 1k word/day quota for writing today but can't manage any more. i'm writing the first two chapters of the next fic in the summer bingo at the same time so posting is gonna be a bit delayed. but they'll both still be up by the deadline i've set myself for the second chapter methinks. anywhosies, i'm gonna give up now and try to sleep cause i have work tomorrow. hopefully i won't get any nightmares. been getting afraid to close my eyes lately lol

[exquisitelynsfw]

And please post videos!

I will definitely be doing videos! hopefully I'll get that started soon but I don't have any yet. I literally just got my laptop back late last night and I basically work doubles every Fri-Sun and Tuesday so I won't be making a ton of content til next week. 🤷‍♀️

But! I am attempting to do my first livestream as I get ready for work tomorrow afternoon. I've never ever done a livestream on any service before, not twitch or Tik Tok or Facebook or Instagram or whatever people use these days lmao. So it'll just be to see how the process works and talk to anyone who wants to stop in while I do makeup and pick out what crop top to wear under my uniform lol.