#hopefully i'll be able to get that bc i didn't get the other one earlier this year so :3

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! <333

[theflyingfeeling]

thoughts from last night's St. Aurora show 🖤

2 seconds into the warm-up act and suddenly I'm living in an alternate universe in which Joonas Porko is the lead singer of a rock band (more under the cut but I just need to share this first because I just can't get over this lol):

then he took his jacket off and I was like ??????? if not Porko, then why so Porko-shaped 😭

(I'll post one more video I took of their set so you can see it for yourselves, because he kinda also sounds a bit like Joonas at times 😂😭)

Joonas Porko doppelgängers aside, Delta Enigma was actually pretty good and I hope I'll remember to check out more of their stuff at some point! I had my picture taken with the lead singer but didn't get to chat with him properly as the last band of the evening just started to play when I got to him, so hopefully next time

St. Aurora was so much fun!! 😭 They were really just a group of friends playing some songs and having fun 🥺💕 although if I'm being completely honest it did feel a little weird to be there, as I only got into their music literally three weeks ago, and even though I have tried my best to do my homework and listen to their music a lot, I was not able to sing and jam along like I would at a BC show for example (and they didn't play the only song I already know the lyrics to 😔), but they were super fun to watch, both the music and the banter in between songs was top tier entertainment 👌

and then after the show they were hanging out by the merch stall. I've been looking for a cap to wear at summer festivals but none of the bands were selling any, so I asked Nile how much he wants for his own, but he wouldn't sell it lol, although he appreciated that I was brave enough to ask 😅 so I bought a totebag instead (the one they had on display, which apparently was the only one they had 😂), and I got to meet all the band members and have the totebag signed as @johnnyporko quite literally dragged me around and pushed me to them one by one like "Now there's Petja. Go!" and !!!!!!!! they were all so ridiculously sweet, gentlemen through and through, each and every one of them, from Nile who texted everyone backstage to come back so that I could get my totebag signed, to Eemi who seemed so grateful that we had come (as a side note the crowd was very sparse that night) and when we were saying our goodbyes and he and @johnnyporko were hugging, I was all prepared to be on my merry way when they'd be finished, but then Eemi turned to me and hugged me too, even though I hadn't even initiated a hug as I was feeling a bit shy 😭💗💕💞💖💗💘 honestly, already during the show I kept thinking Eemi seems like such a sweet person, because whereas Nile and the others were bantering away and talking "whatever their spit brings to their mouth" as we say in Finland lol, there was Eemi thanking everyone for coming and giving shout-outs to members of crew and just being an angel in general, and in person he's even a bigger sweetheart 🥺 my interactions with Vallu, Petja and Osku were somewhat briefer but I assure you they were all incredibly nice as well and seemed very down-to-earth. ngl I'm kinda bummed I forgot to show Osku some pictures of our old man Osku the dachshund lol, but maybe next time, because there definitely will be a next time!! 🖤

huge huge thanks to @johnnyporko for not only being my company last night but also for introducing me to St. Aurora, both to their music and to the individuals playing in the band 🫶

edit. oh, and Luna Kills was fun too! I listened to some of their songs earlier this week and really liked them 👍

[withleeknow]

lmao I've been chronically online lately so let's just say that your manifesting 🍙🍙🍙 worked to put you on my feed but anyways- WAHHHHH I WAS JUST COMPILING MY SPAM REPLY BUT I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST FIRST WHEN I SAY I DID A DOUBLE-TAKE SEEING THIS ON THE TL

WE'RE BACK FROM THE DROUGHT BABYYYY

the see you 0613 almost brought tears to my eyes GOD esp after seeing this on the tl today: https://x.com/murakamiko2/status/1796191153714327680?s=19 I CAN'T WAIT FOR OUR YOONJIN REUNION 💜💜

pls the way you had an onigiri shout-out for this moment god woman I adore you <3

IT REALLY IS HAPPENING i cannot believe he'll be home so soon 😭 back just in time for their anniversary and we'll get to spend it with him, i love this so much. the song dropping on my birthday i'm pretty sure will be another jk army song (that he "spoiled" before he left) gahhh i'm buzzing (tho idk if anything will top still with you). catch me crying while listening to take two on repeat until jin is officially home; it remains one of my favorite bangtan songs and jin's "can't you see the take two, letters i didn't send to you" is one of my favorite lines that he's ever sung. i actually have a jin amnesia series that i started almost 2 years ago and haven't touched since november 2022 lol hopefully his return will inspire me to really start working on that again. YOONJIN 😭 let's keep our fingers crossed that jin will be able to coax yoongi out of hiding for a selca at least bc idk how much more i can take of not seeing him until 2025 😭 i know i have a whole bangtan blog but idk talking about bangtan with you here feels more special somehow, like we have our own secret language that no one understands 🥺

thank you so much i am so grateful for you 😭 i really enjoy writing seungmin! i've got a couple seungmin wips i'm working on so hopefully those will deliver as well hehehehe

this is kinda giving groveling husband who's racking his brain trying to figure out how to make it up to you after he started a stupid argument earlier. the drabble from the other day is coming soon 😈 and also the full length fic for pining best friend hyunjin that i'm hoping to finish in june !!

oh mimo :((( i was just on a mini aespa binge earlier today heheh. i'll take any enha x skz crumbs i can get, and a jayke x mimo at that too ?? 😭 i will eat it UP. the fact that both mimo and jay are cats is so cute to me. i really am just drawn to all the cat bois now 🥹 (idk if you go there aka any svt space but i've been kinda Looking™️ at wonwoo too and... it's not good for my mental health)

for the locals, i am still taking what is your favorite story of mine? asks !!!

[nathank77]

4/9/24

7:18 p.m

I passed out around maybe 8 a.m potentially earlier. On the half MG without anything else.

I probably woke up about 4-6 times but I kept my eyes closed and I heard weird hallucinations like screaming or laughing-thats how I know I am about to fall back to sleep........ it's all the same volume but I can still make out what I hear. A scream is still the same volume as a whisper.. but yea I kept my eyes closed despite needing to pee cause I knew I was done for bc of those extra hallucinations.... I don't hear those during the day.

I woke up at 4:45 p.m..... my HSV2 inhibitor test and gonorrhea/chlamydia urine test was today at 4:40 p.m..... I ran out the door... drove to Quest, it's close... thankfully I had an extra pair of glasses in my backpack... I didnt have time to grab my glasses out of my case on my desk before I ran to Quest bc I really wanted to get it done. So this is one of those time where the whole having spare pairs of glasses is really helpful.. they saved my ability to be able to see when I was driving.

Luckily Quest did the tests..... I hate circadian rhythm disorder... I didn't want to open my eyes, I usually wake up to my alarm and I didn't this time. Back before I had psychosis I didn't wake up to my alarms but since Xanax I've been waking up to them almost everyday... when I opened my eyes I truly thought it was like 3 p.m... bc my alarm was set to 3:30 p.m.

My hallucination really is, "happy birthday," "I've got a birthday present," "that's the depressing part," and hearing my own thoughts being repeated which is maddening. I'm starting to regret aligning with it bc it makes it hard to say listen to a song/tv while thinking something out like what I got to do to today, etc... even without other types of chatter..

Anyways I await the results. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I know that hsv2 test was a false positive, yet I'm still worried..

I hit CVS, and then took a shower. I'm home now writing. I have an appt with apple later about my phone number bc it's associated with another account.

I was going to check out some Eyewear places near me but of course with my circadian rhythm disorder, and the time frames its impossible. Maybe I'll start with lens crafters on Saturday and then next week my schedule is less busy and maybe I can make it work.

I'm anxious about oversleeping tomorrow bc of my T-Shot... at 3:45 p.m... I'm so sick of being tied down to this appt every other week. It can't be later than that.... if I could do it myself or have my gf/family/ or anyone reliable do it, I would have significantly less obligations to fulfill every single month. I mean it's a fucking chore. This month alone in total its 3 appts..... it's actually really a huge source of stress. If I could do it myself or have someone else to do it, well I would have had 2 ultrasounds this month, 2 Quest appts, and one dentist appt...

Anyways, maybe I'll game later. Maybe I'll just stare at the TV mindlessly. I got to take a 1MG tonight/tomorrow at like 4:30 a.m so hopefully I can fall asleep earlier and get 7 hours and wake up before 3 p.m.....

I have that stupid dentist appt bc the doctor couldn't see me the day of the cleaning on Friday... I might just cancel and reschedule I need down time. All these optical centers near me close at like fucking 5-6......... it would be cool to be able to swing by a few. They are close together. Maybe I really will reschedule cause like if I go to the dentist, I expect to get my teeth cleaned and see the doctor that same day and only come back if they find a problem...

I still have my ultrasound next Wednesday at 4 p.m on my lower region. I'm worried about that... making the appt. Then them finding something... despite their being no reason for me to think they'll find something.

I just feel like between circadian rhythm disorder, sleep issues, the voice always screaming to get my attention. My constant auditory hallucination forcing me to drown it out and my ocd always being there forcing me to make rules, avoid things, my life is so stressful.

I got my refund back and I can afford glasses. How can I fit going to a few stores locally into my schedule when I'm always going to the doctors and oversleeping...

I have my disability appointment on the 16th at 1:30... idk if I'm just going to reschedule it, maybe I'll take 1 mg and try to make it so the damn thing gets off my fucking to do list and I get my fucking back pay. I'll feel like fucking shit...

Beyond that my arm still hurts from my fall. The x-ray came back clean. I waited until my doctors appt and had her send me in a MRI... it got denied so I sent in the appeal paperwork...

But yea I'm trying hard to stay on the ball, everything is counting against me.

I thought something, what if Elise brings up brendan if I ever run into her. Well if she excessively brings up their plans. I'll assume she's happily married and I will be happy for her but I'll have to cope with that potential of us being together not ever happening.

If she brings up he is with the girls I'll assume nothing. If she says they talked about divorce I'll just listen and say I'm sorry. My jaw might drop a little. That's what I'd do..

Although I don't expect her to show up Saturday. I hope she does.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Finally home at 7:20pm and man. Today was just NOT GOOD.

This morning I had a crap breakfast (mostly just me chugging milk so I had something in my stomach for my antidepressant) an early doctor appointment, which I them had to immediately go to work bc they asked me to come an hour earlier than I was expecting. Didn't get a lunch break bc I keep forgetting to take a break, so that didn't help.

I was just. Struggling so hard. My anxiety and suicidal thoughts were just flowing over from yesterday really bad. Basically all of my rooms were given to somebody else bc I couldn't even fully complete one room. I didn't even get to do my stayovers (easy rooms) bc I was struggling so bad.

We were out of SO MANY THINGS. Like BED SHEETS. The FIRST THING you do when you clean. So I was already madly thrown off from the get go. It got so bad that I had a supervisor come to help me and then a second one bc the first was meant to be done for the day. Also they said "I'm Helping Ella" and "she's struggling" in the same message. She also told me to I go to the boss and request a partner bc I wasn't ready. They also asked if it was my first or second day. I've been here a week.

They both asked what was up w me and I just.

I wanted to jump out the window.

I tried to hold back so many dang breakdowns over beddings bc I was finding it just SO DAMN HARD, and every supervisor that came after my room that I was around to hear hated my beds.

Like if you hate my lumpy wrinkly beds so much TEACH ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP HEARING HOW SHIT THEY ARE! TEACH ME SO I DON'T KEEP BEATING MYSELF UP OVER HOW I'M A DISGRACE TO THE HOTEL AND FEEL LIKE I'M LETTING DOWN MY COWORKERS AND GUESTS!

It's not my fault I wasn't properly trained! I was given a partner on my first day who had only been there 2 weeks. She taught me how to do the beds ONCE, but I was slowing her down so she kept doing the beds and didn't teach me. The next day I was paired up w someone as new as me. Then I was basically left on my own from then on.

I HATE DUVET COVERS!!!! ALSO I tried to look up how to do hotel bed videos and NOBODY EVER TUCKS THE DUVET IN LIKE I HAVE TO AT WORK! NOT EVEN OTHER 5 STAR HOTELS. I'm starting to think WE'RE the crazy ones tucking in the duvets!

Anyways, cried in front of the boss. Got told off for being a sucky communicator, even though I did ask for assistance in the group chat but nobody got back to me. I will admit that I need to be better at communicating though. My anxiety definitely did not help. Constantly felt like a let down and that I was gonna be fired for asking for help.

Luckily got partnered up for the rest of the day, but man, was today rough. Tomorrow I'm getting paired up again (thank goodness). Everyone asked me what was going on w me today and I honestly just. IDK! I'VE JUST BEEN STUPID CRAZY UNENDINGLY STRESSED AND HYPERVIGILANT AND IN SURVIVAL MODE FOR FAR TOO LONG BUT I CAN'T LET UP ON IT OTHERWISE I WILL DIE!!!!

My brain won't shut up! Ever! Even when I'm busy at work. I'm having thoughts of missing people, me also trying to play music in my head, anxiety about work and coworkers, worries and thoughts about salary, bills, where I'm gonna move, if I'll manage to keep ahold of this job, is it worth trying to get a second worse paying job but is in walking distance? But then what about when I move out? Is it worth trying to get that second job if I'm going to hopefully be moving out within the year where it's no longer going to be a convenient place to work? I don't have time for my hobbies bc I'm trying to work and get money but I also need a break to do chores and Beauty schoo research exam, but also if I take a break what if my job fires me? I don't know the next time I'll have a job, and trying to remember what I was just doing ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I wish I could listen to music to help distract my brain but then I'll lose track of time and blah blah blah ADHD issues. And we're not meant to have earphones bc we need to be able to hear alarms and I don't have wireless earphones.

Whatever. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully less tears

[silverislander]

(1/4) re: your adhd post. i totally understand your frustration and anger over what you know in hindsight you deserved but never got. my mom's a literal psychologist and i wasn't formally diagnosed with adhd until i was an adult & out of the house bc my twin brother had tourettes and much more visible, disruptive, earlier-onset co-morbid issues and in dealing with that my parents kinda railroaded past my problems. they already had one kid that needed medication from

(2/4) an early age so, wary of the dangers of over-medicalizing their children, they were all too reluctant to have me diagnosed and medicated/pathologized. so instead i just. didn't get any help/recognition at all. my obviously adhd-sourced issues were just suppressed. even though my dad very very clearly (and acknowledged by my mom) has severe adhd as well. idk if i have anything positive or reassuring to say, other than i understand

(3/4) where you’re coming from and you’re definitely not the only one who was left in the dust and made to fend for themselves, inevitably leaving huge gaps in their ability to cope and forcing them to play catch up with their own mental health/socialization on top of compensating for all the inherent challenges posed by actually having adhd. not to mention feeling like an imposter/not being taken seriously by others for not having it been formally established in childhood.

(4/4) i wish you didn’t have to have gone through that. but even knowing at this point is a big step towards empowering yourself. i really hope it gets easier now knowing for your own sake, and that you get the diagnosis/treatment you’re looking for and deserve <3

oh wow, it's almost eerie how similar our experiences are?? my little brother also has tourettes (and although i think i'm the only one who recognizes it, my dad def has adhd too lmao) and he got that diagnosed when he was young since, you know, it's a more obvious problem to have a kid who hits themselves than one who gets distracted sometimes lol. most of the time i know i just gotta put the past in the past, it just kinda pisses me off to think about some days. like they literally said to my face, multiple times as a kid that i probably had adhd and decided to do nothing about that even when it started to visibly affect my life... that's such a weird decision to make. they might've been trying what they thought was the right thing but it was kinda shitty! anyway the important thing is really that that's over and now i get to move on and do better for myself, and i know that :)

it's definitely WAY better now that i know (or at least highly suspect- can't say i don't feel guilty saying that i know for sure without a diagnosis :') )- i can at least find good coping strategies which has helped so much so far! and most of the time i don't feel bad for things i do because of my brain anymore, so that's a massive improvement. hopefully soon i'll be able to do even better and get like. real confirmation + some kind of treatment or accommodations- my plan is to look into it before the end of the semester. basically, my brain bad and that's ok, we might be the same person??, thanks for caring :)

[seraphim-soulmate]

loong vent about pain, fibromyalgia & my past

I remember writing a journal entry when I suspected I had fibromyalgia bcs of it's connection with trauma and chronic stress. And just sobbing. Because I was a child when I started having these pains. i was under so much stress and not taught how to process or manage emotions (besides repress & ignore them) at such a young age that my body became ill. my body has warned me time and time again (legs collapsing, gastrointestinal issues, pain) that something was gravely wrong and I wasn't getting the attention I needed and it wasn't my parents that helped me get a diagnosis. I'd been complaining about pain since I was like 9 years old and only when I was 17, with my grandmother's intervention, did I get an MRI of my spine. The scheurmanns' disease gave me some explanation, but being told to just take ibuprofen for it, when I was in constant, agonizing pain, was reductive to say the least.

Only this year, this WEEK, have I gotten a diagnosis. With the help of my supportive friends and brother going with me to appointments. I had to seek out treatment by myself and visit doctor after doctor for issues I've been having since I was a child. And it's hard to not be upset that I didn't get better care earlier. It's hard that I was repetitively told by my dad's wife that I was faking, was a hypochondriac, was doing it all for attention. My dad told me to stop complaining about my pain at some point and so I did. It came to him as a genuine shock when I had to remind him of my pain and tell him about everything I was doing to get help. And how my life circumstances contribute towards that pain.

I guess my first traumatic experience was my parents divorce, and the consequences of that. I took my first plane by myself when I was like 6-7 years old. I couldn't understand or process or grieve my parent's divorce, moving countries and not seeing a parent for an entire year. only to have to go back, by myself, to visit over the summer. I've been haunted by missing people my entire life.

It's hard to believe yourself and your trauma and how much it impacted you, even when you have literally physical evidence of the fact. Even when you've been working on trauma and mental health for 6+ years. It's funny because the doctor said fibromyalgia is common in people who are hyperactive and take on too much. I never considered myself hyperactive because of my fatigue. But my calendar will tell you otherwise; because I had to push through and had to keep living and find solutions. I am so deeply involved, care and feel so deeply that it causes physical pain. It's hard to stop doing something that is so fundamental to your identity and morals. At nearly every chance I get, I will take responsibility upon myself without being asked in any way to do so. The urge to fix and to help and to pour everything out for others is so hard to contain because all I want to do is make things easier for others. I want to care and be kind and be helpful to others. And learning that I needed to stop doing some of that because it's literally causing excruciating physical pain is just like. then what's the point of it all? what do I do, if not help those around me? how do I deny myself the thing that brings me the most fulfillment, but simultaneously, the most pain?

Something frustrating is that my loved ones will never know what I'm actually going through. But I'm also thankful for that. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's just hard sometimes. you often can't see that I'm in pain since I'm so used to masking. I forget people don't have to put as much effort into things that I do. I go out of my way to try and accommodate others, who don't actually need the accomodation I'm providing. Its hard not being able to do the things you used to do. Grieving a life, really. And hopefully one day I'll be able to do some of those things again. It's just hard sometimes to see a future for yourself when your current situation is so uncertain and you don't know if you'll get better, or if this is just what it's going to be like from now on. I should get better, but the fear that I won't is definitely present.