#hopefully i'll be able to do big pieces soon again without feeling the life being drained out of me every time i think about opening my

[indigo6f00ff]

i think what's been putting me off of digital art for a while is that the way i was doing it just took like too long and was too tedious for my brain to want to focus on so i'm trying out New Ways Of Doing Things that have similar results to my old style (imo) and this is a result of Practice Arting. anyway here's the guy with the same name as the character from cloudy with a chance of meatballs

[gencat21]

NCT— Him Saying Something Hurtful To You And You Get Hurt Afterwards

Requests are OPEN

NCT DREAM + Doyoung + Jaehyun + TEN (as requested)

Dreamies are on their ways, this just ended up being longer than expected haha. I'm.not. sorry.

DOYOUNG:

It was not normal for you two to be fighting. Usually, you solve things by talking things through instead of letting you feel control your words and fight and yell at each other. Do young hated that more than you, but this time it was different. You were arguing and but were yelling at each other, for the first time in two years of relationship. "Sometimes I think dating you is a mistake, " he said to you, without looking at you since all he felt at the moment was rage. He didn't even notice how your eyes were getting watery and how your mouth was partially open. You knew he was always careful with his words, at that he barely let his feeling or the moment say something he doesn't mean. He meant that, and there's nothing you can do about him feeling that way. "Okay, " was the only word you let out.

You grabbed your bag and left without saying anything else, and when you didn't hear him calling out your name your whole world collapsed. You were walking to your apartment that was actually quite far but you had red and puffy eyes and didn't feel like explaining anything to your roommate, so walking there was actually okay for you. You thought that until a couple of blocks away from Doyoung's apartment you saw a mysterious man walking in your direction. You decided it was better to cross the street to avoid him until he crossed the street as well and started following you. You only thought about going back to Doyoung's apartment. You crossed the street again and started running as fast as you could, being thankful that you were athletic and got to his apartment in a minute. You were thankful that the sidewalk of his apartment building had around 6 people around, but either way I did not look back nor thought the has not following me anymore. I typed down the code of the building and got in, closing the door just as fast, locking itself automatically. There was no way in hell you were going back out there tonight, so even though you didn't want to see his face, you only had one choice, and it was to go back to Doyoung's.

You opened the door, closing it behind you and felt how air was entering your lungs all over again.

You fell on the floor and closed your eyes to try and calm down your breathing. You felt like crying, but tears were not coming out and you couldn't care less. You didn't even notice the lights were already off until they were on again and you just saw his face staring at you. He had a frown on his face that made you look away instantly. "I'm sorry I came back but… there was a ma-m-man follow… I can barely speak." You laughed nervously, still shaking from what had happened.

He walked to your direction and stared at you in silence. His eyes looked like he was crying seconds prior, and it was something I couldn't believe. And in a matter of seconds, he fell down to his knees, and pulled you to his chest, caressing your head "I didn't mean what I said, I'm sorry, please forgive what I said I was just being stupid and I didn't think about what I said until you left an—" his voice cracked, causing your tears to finally be released, he let go of the hug to grab your face and look at your puffy eyes. "and my baby almost got mugged?" He hugged you again, this time it was stronger. "how will I ever let you go now?"

You felt more relieved than ever before. One, you didn't get mugged.

Two, you didn't lose the love of your life.

It will take him a few more efforts for you to forgive him fully, but right now it was not the right time to make a scene.

TEN:

"Don't you think it's already enough? I mean, you've been dancing for 5 hours and you need to rest. This is your free day after all." You said looking at him from the door of the practice room. You knew he has been practicing when he was supposed to be at home and you worried a lot about his health. I knew he wanted to do perfect in everything, but there was a limit. He turned around while swiping his sweat off with a hand towel. His eyes fell on you and he nodded. "In a minute, just one last time."

"You said that twenty minutes ago,"

"I know,"

"So let's go." You insisted.

"I said in a minute," but the truth was that you were getting on his nerves, telling him over and over the same thing, and he did the same. "You need to—”

" If you want to leave just do, you don't have to be clinging on me. Don't you have a life? " He said and caught you off guard. And for reason, his words hurt. He didn't yell at you, he said it in the most calm way possible as he turned around to look at himself in the big mirror that covered the wall.

You just cared about his health, and he implied that you didn't have a life aside from him and that you were too clingy. Were you really. You thought you gave him enough space, and him being an idol then that meant you couldn't see each other a lot due to his busy schedule. And yet you were asphyxiating him? There were no words that could leave your lips. So you nodded even, not knowing if he was looking at you or not. To be honest, you were not thinking about that type of stuff. You just silently left. You have had postponed all the work you could to another day to spend it that day with him for nothing. So as soon as you left the SM building, you picked up your phone and started to call your boss to tell her that you were going to be able to finish your work today (Perks of being good friends with your boss), but you got distracted with the call that you didn't noticed going full speed in the street, hopefully some guy pulled you by the arm so you wouldn't be crushed and dead. Either way, you fell to the ground and a lady that backed up as well to save herself fell on your leg. On your bad leg. On the leg, you had a cast just a week ago. You whined but didn't want to say anything to the lady because, in the end, it wasn't her fault. So you stood and picked up your phone that was on the floor. "Uhm, are you there? I will be a little late." You laughed nervously and limped until you found a cab.

Your luck was not with you at all.

After that day you had to put on a cast all over again and worked normally since most of your work was sitting. You ignored Ten's calls for 3 days straight since you didn't feel like talking about anything with him. You just kept remember him saying those words to you, and that was enough for you to feel upset again and ignore his call. I tried to understand why he felt like that towards me and I couldn't understand. "Aren't you answering that?" Your co-worker asked about your phone lighting up and you just shook your head no. "Then what are you going to do about that?" She asked and she pointed at Ten walking to your direction through the glass door, you peeked and then couldn't help but to look again at your work. You had missed him but at the same time you thought about something for those three days, and you were clear of your decision.

Your coworker left as soon as she saw Ten standing in front of your desk. "Can we talk?" He seemed nervous. "I'm working."

"I'll wait," and he sat on the waiting room a few feet away, and waited an hour until your shift was done, just sitting there tapping his right foot over and over. You stood up how you could and grabbed your crutches after putting your purse on your shoulder. And his heart broke, he didn't know you had that again, after having that for a month. He felt awful after realizing he called you clingy when you were nothing near. "Baby, I—"

"Don't bother, sweetie,” you told him as calm as possible, but still feeling that pressure in your heart. He smiled as soon as you called him sweetie. " Let's break up,” you said and walked past him, leaving behind, and his smile fell.

"What? No, bab—"

"I thought if I'm clingy as you said, we could just break up. Because personally, I don't think I'm clingy. But if you do, there's the problem between us." You said, and he stood in front of you.

"I said something I didn't mean. I was feeling stressed over messing up a lot of moves during a show and I obsessed over that."

"I spent two weeks without seeing you. And when I do, that happens. Either way, we will struggle in this relationship. And the truth is that you're not ready for one, you can't barely see me due to work and I understand that, but I can't do this for longer. I love you, but I just can't stand being away from you when you're mine."

His eyes were looking at your face completely as if it were going to disappear and he wanted to study it to depth. "I'm here," he begged with his tone. "C'mon, I will cook for you and treat you good tonight. Yes? We can do this, we've been through a lot, we can work this out." If it wasn't for your hands-on then crutches, they would have been covered by his. You remained silent while he searched for your eyes, that were somewhere else on the verge of crying. "Please,"

JAEHYUN:

You walked to the living room of the dorm where you and Jaehyun we alone since the rest of the boys went outside, a piece of paper on your right hand, feeling extremely happy about the work that you had just done. "I finally finished this song and I'm very excited that you read it." You were a songwriter, that's how you met Jaehyun and fell in love. There were a couple of songs you helped write for NCT and a few more idols, and there was a song stuck in your head that you needed to type down the lyrics fast. You have been working on that song for three weeks straight and now that it was done, you just wanted to show it to him.

He grabbed it and started reading while you were seating beside him on the couch waiting for him to finish. And when he gave you back the piece of paper, you waited for him to tell you how good it was or something like that, but it was not like that. "Is this really done? No offense baby, but it's bad."

"Bad?" You asked, your eyes glued to the paper, rereading the song over and overlooking where it says that it is bad. "Is not bad."

"How are you a songwriter, again?" He said, in a playful tone but it hurt your feelings either way. You laughed slightly in the most sarcastic way possible and then stood up not wishing to see his face at all at the moment. "It's getting late, I'm leaving." You said, grabbing your bag that was on a chair beside the couch you were on. You fixed your eyes to the door and walked to it as fast as you could.

"C'mon, you're pissed about that Y/N? And baby, you were supposed to sleep tonight with me " He stood up to follow you but you closed the door on his face, letting him know that it was a no. He knew it was bad to follow you since you could easily punch him somewhere. He always waits until you calm down and then try to apologize for whatever he does. Either way, he opened the door and saw your figure standing in front of the elevator waiting. "Call me when you get home? Or text me?" You knew he was not going to follow you since you knew he knows you need space right now. And left his sorry eyes staring at you without giving him a response.

You left the dorm and got into a cab that took you to your apartment. But the weird thing was that when you got to your door it was partially open. You don't remember leaving it like that. Did someone break-in? Is that person still inside? You peeked through the crook of the door and saw nothing, no movement, lights off. You saw that the floor was covered in a piece of glass and you cursed right away. You entered the apartment and turned the lights on, and then it was obvious someone broke in and broke stuff and stole stuff. There was nothing important or expensive there so, poor bastard that expected to find something of value. You called the police to report it when you saw the man running in your direction, he pushed you and ran away. You fell on the floor where the glass was and got glass all over your hand since you try to use it as support. "FUCKING ASSHOLE, " you couldn't help but scream when you felt the pain. Immediately you stood up, looked for a towel to cover your hand so the blood wouldn't drip on the floor and went to the hospital right away, only taking your wallet and keys with you. Two hours later, you went back to your apartment to find him sitting in your couch, with his head on his hands. Once he heard your voice of surprise he stood up and wanted to hug you but didn't know if you were going to push him away, but you knew he wanted to run to you. "You didn't call me so I came and saw blood and you left your phone and I couldn't call you and I was worried and—" you shut him up by placing your left and good hand against his mouth. "You're rambling, ”

" I'm sorry for what I said. I misused my words and tried to joke but it wasn't funny to you."

"It's fine, I'm not supposed to write good songs all the time,” you said, watching how he grabbed carefully you by your right wrist and started watching how your hand was wrapped in bandages. And looked at your face like he was about to cry, but tears were not going to come out. "Hug me, "

And so he did, placed his chin on top of your head and pulled to his chest. You explained what had happened while hugging him, he cleaned the mess the stupid man did and spent the whole night with you fixing the half bad/good song. When he explained to you it was true, you could have done way better.

(Credit to the owners of the gifs)

[rottinghollows]

Episode 24: An Encounter With Ayame of Ends

ENDS is a group I've been familiar with and even had the opportunity to meet once upon a time in Las Vegas. Among the members I've met, Ayame was one of the those present. As much as he is hardworking and talented, Ayame has to be one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of meeting. There is a lot to Ayame, and he's given me the opportunity to discuss his progress with singing on tracks, how he started getting into photography, and his own feelings regarding meeting fellow members of ENDS in Las Vegas. Below is out interview, and be sure to show both Ayame and ENDS some love. Enjoy!

RH: Who is Ayame, as both an independent artist and member of ENDS?

A: Aside from a singer/rapper, I'm a lot of things. I'm a camera man, photographer, video editor, and sometimes graphic artist. In reality, i'm just a guy who enjoys creating in any way possible. As far as being a member of ENDS I feel the bloodstream of a lot of my family in there. To me personally, I feel a genuine connection and I can almost feel their souls in a way. I want to say I'm their shoulder to lean on or so to speak. The type of person to pick up others when their down I suppose.

RH: What made you decide to involve yourself as a music artist in the underground? Would you say your work has evolved since you began?

A: So I began trying to rap in 2012 when I first got out of high school. All my friends were doing it and I wanted to be a part of something. I was ASS *laughs* I would basically freestyle over Lil Wayne or B.o.B beats *laughs* tragic all of those were lost. My work most definitely has changed since I began. I would say my style has really evolved at an insane rate. Starting off I really was sort of screaming. Now I sing a lot more then I ever thought I would. Seeing some of my idols doing new things and changing music itself really pushed me to be better to get more creative. It's been the first steps into the deep end that I really began to start swimming.

RH: Was singing ever previously not in your plans as an artist? Would you say you went through an adjustment process with singing?

A: I wouldn’t say I never saw myself doing it because I always thought I could, but it’s more like I’m surprised how much better I’m getting about doing it. I think I’m learning to sing specifically because of auto tune which I use extensively but that’s helping me more and more with finding how to sing and stuff. There was a whole adjustment because I’ve never done anything musically before. I’ve had some drums when I was in school but I was never really like let me be the front man let me sing my lungs out. It’s been a soul searching experience to find a singing voice it’s not easy and I’m still trying to find it everyday.

RH: I'm happy you constantly work on yourself man. I know it's been a hell of a long time ago, but what did you make of Vegas, and having been in the same room as Fury and LeftHandLuck? What would you say you took away from that experience?

A: I took a lot away from it really. I think above all after the performance I told myself I had to treat myself as an artist better rather then just being a support kind of guy. I started to see my worth a little more after that trip realizing that I’m doing something right and I have proof really showed me that I can do this I have the ability and capacity to pursue it and no one was going to stop me. Vegas was a life changing experience to say the least. Seeing Fury and Left together and just be able to have a conversation face to face instead of through a screen was kind of incredible. I’ve never had something like this work so well before, it felt like pieces were clicking for once and I couldn’t believe it.

RH: I remember you taking a lot of pictures out in Las Vegas, so it makes me wonder: what made you begin to take photography seriously?

A: I’ve loved taking photos since I was in middle school. It’s just a love to do it really. I think I get it from my grandpa honestly, he was also a big camera guy. He took hundreds of photos had a video camera the whole nine yards. I think his love of that really rubbed off on me and kinda blossomed into what it is now. I want to pursue it so much more then I am currently, but I’m a pretty shy person about it and well I never got the time anymore with working on music and other stuff. It’s been kind of back seated sadly for now. I plan to revisit more during the winter and hopefully fall but it’s never a guarantee as you may well know.

RH: I really hope to see you continue your photography man. Do you have any plans with your music currently?

A: Plans are hard to follow haha. I got a sort of EP in the works called Infection vol. 1 but it’s kinda on hold at the moment. So nothing else really, just plugging away singles.

RH: I may be out of the loop on this, but are you still associated with Zealot$ by any chance?

A: Yes actually I am still a part of Zealot$ as a member! I have a collab coming with Heretic and Savic soon!

RH: Who or what would you say motivates and inspires you to keep making music?

A: Some of my inspirations have a sort of wide variety. First ever inspiration was Travis Scott. I think at the time I never heard anything like what he was doing. He was really the first artist to get me to feel something in my soul and heart. I gravitate to his music and whole aesthetic a lot as well. I think as an artist he’s a genius and it’s inspiring. Second big inspiration in my life was Lil Peep. Peep truly showed me how to do the singing over guitar beats thing. Hellboy is my favorite project and I think I’ve taken more away from that then I ever thought possible. He was truly ahead of the curve when it came to his style, he was changing music and everything. I really loved it all. Rest In Peace Peep. Eric North is another giant inspiration of mine. I think out of every artist I’ve heard he’s the one who can make music I’ve always wanted to hear. I think Decomposition Of A Slave is one of the best tracks ever made. He’s fantastic at combining the emotions and sounds to the words he says. I don’t know how but I feel like I can feel those emotions every time he makes a song. Truly one of a kind. There’s more like everyone in ENDS and Zealot$ of course. Some others are like Vision4k, Uzi, Killstation, Tool, Sevendust, Gorillaz, Bones, Pantera and all of stuff like that. I’m not just influenced by hip hop either. Sevendust is my favorite metal band of all time I think they also left a huge impact on me musically same with Tool too. All in all, there’s too many inspirations to list lmao I’m missing a ton but I’m also inspired by video games a lot. So it’s a lot more then just music that does it for me.

RH: Good shit, man. Before we close out I have a final question: What is your favorite anime?

A: Oh boy here we go *laughs*. So a favorite is impossible to give, but I'll name five anime I love dearly. First most definitely Haikyu!! Without a doubt. Next would most likely be One Piece. Devilman Crybaby impacted wayyyy too much not to put in here. Bungou Stray Dogs is also a top tier favorite of mine as well. Very big fan of Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood too. Samurai Champloo definitely god tier anime. Parasyte...man there’s just too many lol

RH: I'm a huge fan of Brotherhood and Samurai Champloo, good taste! That'll do it, and Thanks again for the opportunity to do this. Got any final thoughts and shutouts to give?

A: Not a problem always happy to do it haha. And yeah I just wanna say darkness comes in many forms, not just being depressed. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out from it. Being comfortable does not mean happiness. Everything is always ready to change despite how bleak it may be. Please everyone be safe and thank you for enjoying what I’ve done thus far. It’s only up from here 💕

Artist Mentions:

ENDS - Fury & LeftHandLuck

Zealot$ - Heretic & Savic

Next Episode: TBA

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

Send

Diagnostics End Chat

Privacy Policy Powered by iCarol v6.39.2