#hope this is okay! obviously based somewhat on how I deal w/feel abt my dysphoria but I hope it's general enough to relate too

[derelictlovefool]

Idk if you've gotten this ask before, but I was wondering if you could possibly do the seeds with a trans male reader (non deputy if that's ok) who's pre op and dealing with general dysphoria?

I haven't gotten an ask like this yet and I absolutely can! I decided to do small headcanons and short snippet-fics for each of them, hope that format's okay! <3

Firstly If you wear binders he is ready to buy you every brand of binder on the market until you find one you like and when you do he'll fill your closet with as many as you want in every colour available.

If binders don't work for you then he's getting you clothes custom fitted to help give you a flatter look and a billion jackets/hoodies that are stylish as well as Big.

John understands the importance of the Comfort Hoodie and will always have a spare in his car or stashed somewhere in case you go somewhere without one and get hit with a sudden wave of dysphoria.

He will be over the moon if you steal a pair of his boxers, he'll get you your own but seeing you wear his drives him insane.

If you have bottom dysphoria he'll get you as many packers as you want/need, he's got the cash he's gonna use it to help you be as comfortable as possible.

If it's just a particularly bad day he'll cancel all his meetings and other obligations to cuddle and help you through it.

He will have all your comfort movies at the ready, your favourite snacks and drinks lined up and he'll bathe you in loving reassurance until he loses his voice.

John adores you and your body and he'll remind you of that and that he'll love you and your body no matter what point in your transition you're at. 

John's number one priority is making sure you're feeling as okay as possible during these moments so if you need more physical affection he will stick to you like glue.

If you need some physical distance you will be wrapped in a blanket burrito and he'll relent to just giving you cheek kisses and playing with your hair.

If you need some words of affirmation he's got that covered too, you are his gorgeous boyfriend and he wouldn't trade you for anything or anyone in the world!

If you voice some insecurities you have John will be ready to dismantle each one of them and though he can't make them vanish he can do his best to give you sweet affirmations and reminders.

He will also just listen if that's what you want but he's got a million different ways to tell you how perfect you are and comfort you about anything he can't actively help with.

That said I am a firm believer he would offer to pay for any surgeries you may want in the future and if you're scared of surgery he would assure you he'd only get the best surgeon and find a way to be there with you. (John paying off the hospital to be in the room during the surgery? it's more likely than you think.)

Overall John is very big on comfort and assurance and making sure you feel loved and desired when you're not feeling your best.

You bury yourself further into the quilt John had brought down from the bedroom, the cold weather allowing the surplus of fabric covering you to be rather cosy and comfortable. That was about the only thing that was comfortable right now, your mind buzzing and stomach churning with discomfort as you tried to disappear into the plush leather couch. You knew the moment you woke up today was going to be rough, you'd avoided the bathroom mirror at all costs and piled on your comfort clothes one after the other.

You tried to focus on the movie John had put on for you, one of your favourites playing on the screen of the old tv you'd convinced him to get. Despite the project's outlook on technology John prioritised your wants and needs to an extent, an old shitty tv and dvd player surely wouldn't hurt anyone. Everything on the screen was bleary, you could barely focus on anything going on. You close your eyes, brows furrowing as that ever present dreadful feeling weighs you down into the cushions. This sucked, it sucked a lot.

"Did I miss anything?"

John's familiar cadence dances through the air, cutting through the static that had been clogging your eardrums and you shake your head gently, keeping your eyes closed. You hear the sound of him placing your mugs on the coffee table before feeling a gentle pressure on your forehead; John's lips pressed against your skin

"How are you feeling my darling boy? Any better?" He murmurs just as gently, resting his forehead against yours and caressing your cheek with the pad of his thumb. You blink open your eyes to see he was kneeling in front of you, two steaming mugs of hot chocolate on the table behind him. It's such a small thing, but paired with the way he called off all his plans for the day and the way he'd been taking care of you all morning the gesture makes your heart melt. You finally meet his adoring gaze and feel a small bit of the heaviness lift off your chest.

"Not really." You answer honestly, worming your hand out of the bundle of fabric to grab John's hand and press a small kiss to his palm.

"I really appreciate you trying to help though." You mutter and nuzzle your cheek against his palm as you offer your gratitude for his actions, a small smile gracing your face as his becomes almost lovestruck.

"Anything for you love, let me know if you need anything at all." He presses another kiss to your forehead and you lightly tug him forward.

"Cuddles would be nice."

As soon as the words leave your mouth John is standing and maneuvering himself under the quilt with you, his lean form curling around you and his arm wrapping around your waist to hold you against him. You try to focus on the warmth his body provides and the sweet kisses he presses against your neck and shoulder and nothing else. You place your hands over his, letting him intertwine your fingers together and smiling as he gently runs his thumb over your knuckles.

"Thank you for staying home with me, I know you've been super busy lately." You say as you play with his hand idly, the closeness offering a small bit of comfort. Feeling John's heartbeat against your back felt grounding and you really appreciated it.

"Never too busy for you darling, I'd choose being home with you over everything else, you know that." He hums, pressing a kiss behind your ear before resting his chin on your shoulder. 

"I do. Still, thank you." You repeat the sentiment and John chuckles, squeezing your hand gently.

"Of course."

Faith's first solution always involves offering to give you a small hit of bliss, can't feel dysphoric when you're high and hallucinating I guess?

If that doesn't sound like a bad idea she will take super close care of you while you're blissed, I imagine you'd mostly just cuddle the entire time while she plays with your hair and peppers your face in kisses.

If you are not a fan of that idea no problem, she will offer lots of physical and verbal affection and other ideas!

She'll happily ditch her duties to spend the day to dot on you (as well using it as an excuse to relax and spend time with her favourite person; you).

Faith is a little more laid back when it comes to affection and reassuring you, she doesn't lay it on as thick as John but she lets you know she's there for you and ready to do whatever you need.

She goes more for the distraction approach, taking your mind off of it one way or another. 

She'd suggest a few things; making out, going for a picnic, going with her to check bliss and angel production, etc.

She's content staying home and giving you her sole attention but if getting you out of the house and doing something else helps she's happy to do that!

She has a million nicknames for you as it is but she'll pull out all the complimentary and gender affirming ones, as well as giving you a thousand more kisses than usual.

If you feel comfortable sharing any of your insecurities that come with your dysphoria she'll do her best to remedy what causes them as much as possible (the ones she's able to anyway).

She'll convince John buying you binders/packers will help with project productivity and sneakily get you anything else you need.

She has one old oversized hoodie she used to wear a lot and she will give it to you if you want it, it smells like gingerbread and weed but it's cosy!

On that note she still makes great weed brownies and it's an alternative to bliss she will also offer to make lol.

Above all else she will listen if you need to vent and hold you if you need to get any frustration tears out, she understands it can get overwhelming and she makes sure she's there for you as long as you need.

I also hc Faith may be a teeny bit nonbinary perhaps so she'd have a better grasp on it than the boys do and wouldn't need as much explanation on it from the get go.

Faith swings your intertwined hands between you as you walk, humming a happy tune as you both make your way up the grassy hill. You try to match her energy, smiling whenever she looks over at you, but she can tell your hearts not really in it. It's hard to shake the discomfort stiffening all your joints, making every movement robotic and difficult. You were layered up, more than necessary for the current weather, Faith's old ratty hoodie peeking out underneath your jacket. 

In your free hand is a small picnic basket, where Faith got it from you didn't know and you didn't bother asking. You'd had fun preparing snacks for you both to bring on this impromptu picnic, admittedly you'd been ready to lay in bed and be a formless slug all day but the fresh air was nice. And as you reach the top of the hill you note the view of The Henbane River was beautiful too, definitely worth the small trek here.

Faith lets go of your hand, giddily bouncing to your other side to steal the checkered blanket from the basket. You smile as she twirls around, the blanket soaring through the air with the swing of her arms and landing on the grass somewhat neatly. After fixing the corners Faith excitedly pats the red and white fabric, looking up at you with shining eyes. You sit down next to her, almost dropping the basket as she leaps onto you and steals a messy kiss.

You chuckle against her lips, laughing as she peppers a few more kisses to your face before cuddling up to your side and pulling the basket closer.

"Okay one very cute heart shaped brownie for my very cute boyfriend—and one for me!" Faith sings happily, handing you one of the chocolate treats before taking a bite of her own. She hums in delight, resting her head on your shoulder as she savors the sweetness. You take a smaller bite of your own, it was good and the fact you and Faith had made them together made it even more satisfying.

This was a nice distraction, it didn't completely take your mind off of the negative fog clouding your mind but it was better than nothing. You felt better than you had earlier, the outfit change and flurry of compliments from Faith boosting your mood a little bit. You appreciated her taking the time to do this with you, especially ditching work half way through. You knew she hated leaving things unfinished but once she saw you she'd thrown everything down and given you her sole attention. 

"We should've brought whip cream." Faith muses, taking another appreciative bite of her brownie. You chuckle and lean your head against hers, looking out over the hill and shimmering water below.

"There's always next time."

"Mm, oh! Next time we should do it at night, near the waterfall you took me to that one time." Faith suggests, a small sparkle to her eye as she lifts her head to meet your eyes. The thought is cute, it would be kind of romantic. If you ignore all the bugs that come out of the woodwork at night anyway.

"Sure, sounds like fun." You smile, mind drifting to that very waterfall and the mental image of Faith stripping and diving into the cold water. You wouldn't mind seeing that again.

"Good, it's a date loverboy." Faith grins and you roll your eyes gently at the pet name, smiling as Faith giggles and pulls you into another kiss.

Jacob may be the oldest and not be super well versed in the gender area but he doesn't need to be to take care of you when you're feeling dysphoric!

If there's any outward force affecting your dysphoria and he can control it in any way he will eliminate whatever it is, no questions asked.

He'll lend you any of his shirts or jackets if you think that'd help, he's not as ready to ditch work so he'll try to minimise your discomfort until he's done.

He's not big on nicknames aside from a stray one here and there but he'll toss a "c'mere handsome," out and hold an arm out to you if he notices you caging in on yourself.

He'll hold you close and press a kiss to your temple every now and then, he's not a verbally comfort you kinda guy so it's the best he can do.

He might try to give you some small tasks if he thinks that'll distract you but if you don't want to be around any of the other project members he'll ask you to read any letters from his siblings that he procrastinates getting to himself.

Once you're both home and alone he'll either walk you both straight to bed or see if a shower is welcomed (Most of the time the last thing you want is to be naked when dysphoric but having Jacob tenderly run his hands down your body with the sole intent to take care of you could be really healing if you're comfy with that).

When you're in bed he'll hold you to his chest and it'll feel like you're cuddled up to a giant teddy bear, he'll listen if you need to talk it out or just hold you while you stay silent.

I hc 'I love you' is a tough thing for Jacob to say so depending on how bad he can tell it is this time around he'll mumble, "You're my boy," or "I got you," into your hair as he rubs comforting circles into your back.

You might have to be more direct with Jacob if you need anything specific from him, like specific reassurances or anything like that he'll need a lil nudge.

When he does give verbal reassurance though you can be sure he means every word he says, he doesn't repeat himself so it's very firm quick reassurances followed by prolonged physical contact.

Cuddling with judges may not help with your dysphoria but it may cheer you up and he has three that he keeps at the centre and they'd all love you so. Yanno.

(He'd also be happy to let you steal some of his boxers, he basically doesn't mind sharing everything with you. He definitely won't say no to seeing you in his camo boxers.)

You watched Jacob's sturdy back with a wavering gaze, your fingers digging into your biceps as you sat on the bed tucked away in the corner of his office. You'd come in a few minutes prior, not giving Jacob more than a kiss to his scarred cheek before bee-lining for the bed. You'd wanted to fall into his arms and be held like nothing else but you also didn't want to get in the way of his work. You know he didn't like being distracted, even though he reminded you gruffly once you were always a welcomed one.

You shift your gaze to your shoes, hiding half of your face behind your knees. You were upset, the sudden wave of discomfort and the constant itch under your skin coming out of nowhere and sending you into a small spiral. Luckily Jacob's chosen had been none the wiser and you'd been able to slip away without much hassle. You really wanted to go home and hide under a thousand layers of blankets but you also didn't really want to be alone. 

"I'm almost done here, you good to leave soon?" 

At the sound of Jacob's voice you lift your head, he was still facing away, looking down at some blueprints and shuffling through paperwork.

"Yeah, ready when you are." You reply, trying not to sound too eager as you rest your chin on your jeans. Jacob glances back at you, as if hearing something in your tone you hadn't yourself noticed and you feel bear under his gaze. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made you feel seen. His blue eyes were always so calculated, like he was breaking down battle plans every second. But right now they were soft, gentle.

"C'mere," He makes a small motion with his head, beckoning you over with an outstretched arm. You feel almost embarrassed that he clocked you so quickly, but also so thankful that he did. You slide off the bed and walk over to him, ducking under his arm and wrapping your arms around his waist. Jacob holds you to his chest and presses a kiss to your hair as you lay your head against his collar bone. 

Being in his arms helps, you feel some of the tension leave your shoulders and you melt against him, closing your eyes and listening to the steady thrum of his heart. You can hear Jacob shuffling through the paperwork again, the hand on your shoulder rubbing mindless circles that soothe you. He doesn't say anything else, just holds you close while finishing up his work. You don't mind, you didn't want to have to explain your sudden mood shift right now anyway. 

Not that you'd need to, this had happened enough times Jacob could figure it out on his own. You appreciated the silent understanding, it was refreshing like most things in your relationship. Jacob lightly squeezes your shoulder when it's time to go and you reluctantly let him go, his arm slips off your shoulders but his hand stops to catch your chin.

"Anyone I gotta take care of before we go?" The question is simple, the meaning clear and you can't help but smile at his usual protectiveness shining through his tough exterior. He really was sweet on you.

"Nah, just my head." You assure him, grabbing his wrist gently and tracing the scarred skin gently. He holds your gaze for a second before leaning forward to press a firm kiss to your lips. It's greatly appreciated and you melt into him, resting your hands on his chest. You lean forward as he leans back, chasing his lips and pouting as he steps out of your reach. 

"Hold that thought." He smirks and you roll your eyes, walking to the doors of his office to wait for him. You would, and you expected him to pick it up when you got home.

King of body worship and praise coming through, he will be the one to notice you're not feeling great the fastest.

If you shy away from his touch or your body language is more closed than usual he'll take you somewhere private before asking you what's wrong and what he can do to help.

He has a better time wrapping his head around dysphoria than Jacob but he obviously can't understand the intricacies of it fully. He tries his best and always treats the subject with utmost respect.

I figure after a while he'll have a plan for how to go about your dysphoria, firstly getting you away from any crowds and into more comfortable clothes.

He sees you as his number one priority besides the project so if he takes a day off to dot on you no harm is done, everyone understands you come first to him.

On that note everyone in the project is very respectful of you as well, being Joseph's partner makes you like The Father 2 so they hold you on a similar pedestal.

Joseph will spend the entire day bathing you in love, affection, reassurance and comfort. He barely ever leaves your side and if he does it's to get you something or allow you to do whatever you need to do.

He'll cradle your face in his hands and gaze at you with the most loving look on his face, muttering about how lucky he is that god gifted you to him and that he has the privilege to be the one to comfort you in these moments.

Unlike Faith he doesn't have to be sneaky about asking John to buy you any binders/packers, you're family and he expects everyone to value your comfort as much as his or their own.

I hc he has a phobia of hospitals now due to his past and he'll be wary of surgery but he'll fully support you if that's in your future plans, because he might be scared but you being able to take that step to be happier in your body is more important.

Also if you'll allow him he'll appreciate/worship every inch of you from head to toe, with his tender caresses, soft kisses, gentle words murmured against your skin; anything to let you know your body is worthy of all that love and appreciation.

He's probably the best for verbal comfort, he somehow knows just the right things to say and always reminds you your body and soul are so precious and he'll be with you until they align how you need them too and long after that as well. He is on this journey with you!

And of course any of your insecurities are going to be met with reassurances and any comfort he can provide, if you cry he'll wipe away your tears and hold you as close to him as humanly possible.

He hates seeing you in any kind of pain so he'll try his best to keep your mind off of it and your mood relatively level if he can.

As soon as you step through the door Joseph pulls you into a tight hug, all the tension and frustration bubbles over and you let your tears fall freely against his shirt. You cling to the white fabric and he shushes you gently, cooing a string of comforting words into your hair as he rubs small circles into your back and rocks you both gently. The day had started off so great, you'd helped Joseph prepare for his morning sermon and sat off to the side with Faith during it. Watching your boyfriend give his passionate speech with nothing but love flowing through you.

Then as you were seeing people off you caught sight of yourself in a car window and felt your mood drop instantly. The button up you chose to wear was a bit more form fitting than you'd realised in your rush out the door and even if it was barely noticeable you noticed. You felt yourself shrivel in on yourself and had stayed hidden away behind Joseph for the rest of the goodbyes.

Joseph had noticed immediately your change in posture and attitude, using his frame as a shield as you offered more timid smiles to the project members who addressed you. He finished up as quickly as he could, asking John to take care of everything else as he walked you to his car.

Now here you were, clinging to him as you sobbed into his shoulder. You didn't know why it had affected you so much but it had and you wanted to crawl back into bed and hide away. You feel one of Joseph's hands lift up to cradle the back of your neck, lips pressing against your forehead as he continues to sway you gently.

"You're alright my sweet boy, i'm right here," Josephs coos gently, the words melting into your skin comfortingly. You try to take deep breaths, focusing on his words and his soothing voice other than the thoughts swirling in your head. Slowly you calm down enough to stop crying, when lift your head you feel a tad guilty over the wet patch on Joseph's shirt. He's completely unbothered by it though, more concerned about wiping the tears off of your cheeks and cradling your face in his hands.

"I'm sorry." you croak out weakly, Joseph quickly shaking his head and resting his forehead against yours.

"You have nothing to apologise for my dear, i'm here if you want to talk about it. We can wash your face and get dressed into something more comfortable first if you'd like?" He suggests and you nod feebly, holding onto his forearms for stability. The crying left you feeling exhausted and you let Joseph guide you to the bathroom, appreciating that he kept a soothing hand on your back as you avoided looking at the mirror and washed your face.

When you get to the bedroom Joseph heads to the dresser and pulls out the baggy clothes you always default too on bad days. Despite the mood drop you feel your heart swell as he dutifully arranges them on the bed for you, his blue eyes full of nothing but care as they focus on you once again. He steps back over to you and you fall into his arms, tucking your head under his chin and closing your eyes. You were thankful you'd found Joseph, in these small moments more than ever.