#hope I wasn't redundant but I need to get this out there as god wants me to share it for everyone

[traumatizedjaguar]

COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS Master-post: I want to make this explaining what knowledge God has given me over the years

COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS

Who are we and where do we come from? Is there purpose to our lives? Who is God?

God is the singular source of everything in creation including us. He is also called Love, Joy, Source and we can always go back into Him. God is consciousness, thought... and He created us in His image, we are consciousness and thoughts and intentions are creation and are more important than actions because of that reason; we all collectively decided to use our intentions to simulate the physical universe we live in.

The Big Bang of the physical reality in our 3D world is all imagination, intention, thought essentially.

Life is just a dream within a dream within a dream. When you die, it's like waking up from having a vivid dream last night. You become more lively, awake, real because you gain back what senses you left behind for awhile.

We live in the illusion of physicality, time, death, mortality, and duality.

We are demigods. Our true nature is the soul, a free-floating immortal consciousness that is the light made up of vibrations which we are all gods of our own making with our own individual personalities. We are immortal, can't feel pain as it's an illusion under our control, omnipotent, omnibenevolent, omniscient. That's what a "higher self" is when evidential psychic mediums refer to that. We are the light and pure eternal consciousness, we are light-beings. Dying is safe and death itself is safe.

Time is an illusion, it doesn't truly exist. You could go back to this lifetime as you now again if you wanted to and restart it (but no god does that as there is nothing to be gained especially if abuse occurred you'd rather not obviously). You can slow things down, speed things up, or just do something and have it happen like with the snap of a finger; with a single intention you could make something happen immediately.

Duality and death are illusions. Grief is a temporary thing as they never really died. The human side of us delved too far gone into resentment and envy, jealousy, anger, hatred, fear, disconnection, lack of empathies, despair. Holding onto anger doesn't bring peace; you come from oneness as Love is connection so you have to pick between revenge or being pro-recovery because you cannot have both, you pick between growth or the cycle of abuse because you cannot have both. This is basic science psychology, we learn this in therapy even. What God taught me is that hexing or acting on bad intentions or bad actions toward another (even if its "deserved" or at an abuser) you are depleting and killing Mother Earths vibrations which effect how She functions, it traumatizes more than your target and hurts you in return because you reap what you sow and everybody gets a life review. Studies show that protestors that focus on revenge instead of compassion for their group end up hurting their side much more than helping which shows you cannot be duel in this. Pick peace, joy, happiness and compassion and more rights for your vulnerable community OR you can pick destruction on both sides and less human rights.

It is a never-ending cycle of reawakening ourselves every lifetime and learning how to bring forth our godliness while in a human vessel, learning how to love in a low vibrational realm, and we're here because we're groomed to become gods. We bring back knowledge and experience from the physical. We want to love in a different way because we have physical body parts to do things with. In heaven souls hug by absorbing their consciousness into another and becoming one. You can also make "physical" things in your own way and stories, you can do essentially anything you want because you are a god (of many). Especially in certain dimensions or realms you can socialize with other souls who want what you want. Oneness and connection is what Love is.

You can go back to any lifetime, any "new" one, any reality, any dimension or God/Source anytime you want. It's like a sandbox, open world gameplay we're all in. Life is like a play, a movie, a video game... where you choose your planet, your character, sometimes attributes you want to be born with like making a sim or rolling the dice on it, you level up by vibrating to higher dimensions and each dimension you unlock new abilities and superpowers such as bending energy, using the earths energy and material in new ways, consistent euphoria and joy, no need for sleep but enough energy, developing space craft thats sleek and fast, traversing the universe through space and time, and growing and learning in your journey as a god!

5th dimension is where heaven begins. (4th being time). Suffering and death are transcended, you lose all of the flaws that came with being a 3rd dimensional human like I said you unlock new levels then new abilities; you can see better and don't have a need for glasses, you would have your 5 senses plus many more and your senses differently. You can co-create with other gods because thats what we're wired for: co-creators, wanting to love and to be loved, free-will, peace and joy, creativity, education and knowledge, and play!

You can use the earths energy and materials to build and create differently in the 5th dimensional earth, it's like unlocking whole new levels or unlocking achievements in a video game. Every dimension is "physical" in its own way, a 5th dimensional creature would look like a ghost to us and could walk through walls and see through something solid to see what's inside.

We limit ourselves as humble gods do and come down here for challenges and the journey back to Source. So as long as you stay aligned with your True Self (the god side of you) then you will be able to accomplish all these things in life. Love = virtues = who we are.

Humans only see a small percentage of the color spectrum because we're limiting our godlike abilities down here for fun but back Home we can see the full spectrum of color again. You can only see ahead of you and in your peripheral vision while in a physical human vessel but back Home you can see 360 degrees at once and for a thousand miles, clear vision. Because you're just free-floating immortal consciousness, nothing is restraining you anymore. Obviously your senses go from 5 to 50.

"I must've forgot I'm a Demi-god. I always feel so blue, but im a Demi god" - Architects.

We create and build our character through free will and various lifetimes in the physical reality and on many planets, but we don't have to go to the physical 3D world on earth if we don't want to we can always stay in heaven or go anywhere else. We can link up with other souls and keep them as family in heaven or incarnate with them in stories of your own making; you can make stories in some of the highest realms of heaven or on earth or anywhere with no tragedy or cruelty or duality and because you're so at One with everyone it isn't hard to find many souls who just want the same thing as you.

You can build a whole script in higher dimensions (if you wanted to but you don't have to and life in the 3D is NOT scripted at all) choose to put the veil over your eyes and forget it and play out the story with other souls who consent to joining in on your love story. Going to the 3rd dimension on earth is like joining the marines, you're here for a purpose and it's to "fight" (human terms of duality) for Love to win; our purpose is to serve the world. We are here to serve each other, God doesn't need anything from us, He is Source and perfect and perfection doesn't NEED anything, let alone worship. WE need each other down here; virtues are what it's all about. The essence of our soul is our moral compass...

Tap into it and you will begin to feel the energy literally flowing around you, your relationships and social interactions become easy, gliding and at one with each other and you feel more peace. You will be able to be on the right path with the right people and passions, etc.

You are still your own individual god on your own journey just like millions of other gods and you can speak to the source God who created us anytime you want. Somebody recommended Suzanne Giesemann to me for meditation and she's got some good ones and this one is a real game changer.

"there’s magic in our bones, a north star in our soul that remembers our way home. there’s magic in our bones." - Body by Sleeping At Last

because of the simulated physical world we *NOT separated* but distanced ourselves from God (Love) and from each other by going into these vessels in 3D, which caused suffering to break out. If everyone on earth had a NDE we all would find world peace.

"All my worries were a waste of time, made the world so blurry I was going blind." - Caleb Shomo

The universe is made up of music and is built perfectly such as the fibonacci sequence seen everywhere. Every dimension vibrates at its own frequency. Dimensions are all in front of you, stacked on top of each other, essentially in and around you at all times. I believe there are 12 dimensions about but I will check with God or my higher self to see what they say.

We are omnipotent. If you believe you are limited or whatever you choose to believe about yourself you will make it that way. Believe you can and you will as human, you can do anything as a human that the soul can do - just believe like a child believing in a fantasy and you will make it or create it. We can do anything, anytime if you just believe. It's a simulation, remember, nothing is impossible.

Omniscience. In the afterlife there is shared knowledge among all souls with God meaning we're omniscient. instant communication because there is no physical vessel nor a mouth piece anymore. So when you have a thought, it's instantly shared and another souls response is shared instantly back. All our consciousness' are interconnected so I have instant and free access to your thoughts, intentions, lifetimes, etc.. There is no privacy because everything is interconnected (love) so we all share the same toys and space. There is no judgement as souls understand that judgment is an unintelligent response.

Omnipresence. You can be in multiple different places at once (time is an illusion), you are in about 14 or 15 different places right now simultaneously but you can focus your souls perspective - kind of like your souls "eyes" - (and therefore experiences) to a certain lifetime and character.

Norse gods

Yes they exist. Like Odin or Loki are real. You will find half truths and half lies online or in books about the Norse gods. And no don't delude yourself, Norse gods don't help with revenge as somebody around here thought they did, they're more intelligent than us that's why we go to them for answers or guidance instead of the other way around. They know better than to get involved in petty cat fights.

You get back what you put out... you reap what you sow... as above so below. It refers to the layered structure of the universe, (12 dimensions) that immaterial laws rule matter from above. There are laws of correspondence and interconnectedness, everything is always in correspondence. The realization between the macrocosm of the universe (above) and the microcosm of the individual (below). So, what happens in a higher plane of existence is interconnected (not separate) from the lower planes of existence (like us in the 3D); because love is connection and everything is connected, everyone and everything effects each other.

We are the universe. You are a god. you are omnipotent. You are capable of aligning your health (which includes vibrations and energy) back with the creation of all things. God is not doing this to mock you by saying "you have free will but you have to do as I say" that's catholicism and christianity, God created us out of Himself which is Love because He loves us and wants us to be healthy, individual, free, peaceful and joyful everyday.

And everything in the universe is made from merely just a thought, an intention to create, and everything you see is consciousness or apart of that consciousness. We live in a simulation we agreed to making. Physicality is an illusion like I've stated in the first paragraphs we can all help each other vibrate these bodies and planet into a new evolution; (I'll describe imagery) so instead of staying stagnant like in a cycle of abuse, a circular motion, because history repeats itself, we're primitive and still kill each other over land and oil like animals, human evolution has been in circular motion because we forgot the spiritual aspect which when we do we will sky rocket in a straight line out of that cycle. It's all imagination; we live in a dream within a dream. Separation is an illusion, we live in an interconnected energy grid or field that connects all things. Death is an illusion because energy never dies and our consciousness is energy. Time is an illusion because you are in control and can use it at your own will; you can slow it down, stop it, or make things happen at the snap of a finger because of mere intention or desire for something. You can bring back the experiences and knowledge from the 3D world of eating buffalo chicken wings and with simple want for it, it pops up in front of you immediately for you to enjoy... because everything is a simulation. You know how you can feel or taste things in a dream and its so good and realistic but when you wake up its as if it wasn't that good because it was all a dream? Well you feel that way up in heaven in the higher planes, its a thousand times better eating food in heavenly dimensions than down here because you're going back to all the abundance of more possibilities back Home (because in higher dimensions more possibilities open up). Duality is an illusion because its human nature and when you separate from this illusion of a vessel you're in now you leave behind being human (but can bring back knowledge of course) Oneness is the only thing left for Who We Are; living virtuously as you possibly can live.

WITCHCRAFT:Never hex anybody ever

When you are hexing someone you are affecting the entire energy grid that connects all things and everyone. It sends out shock waves of negative vibrations. It doesn't matter if you're hexing a child rapist or someone who just swore you off one day, you are negatively impacting yourself, the abuser, lowering the vibrations of the earth, and everyone in the energy grid is affected.

When we are murdering the earth, more storms erupt, and we are killing a part of our consciousness.

Lateral damage is not just with protestors but also for hexing or any revenge will cause lateral damage.

"Don't practice what you don't want to become."

Is there a hell?

Short answer:

No.

Longer answer is this:

We get life reviews with God back Home where we have to relive this lifetime through everyones else's eyes whom we interacted with here.

Every time you hurt someone intentionally, unintentionally or lacking self-awareness about it or made someone feel joy you will relive it from their POV, their emotions, their eyes, their consciousness. You literally become them. It's a self-punishment if you lived a life being a selfish mean person. If you get revenge on someone you will also have to relive the pain you caused them because revenge is always wrong as He told me. If you hurt someones feeling in a minor way you relive it as them and if hurt them in a significant way you relive it.

Nobody deserves punishment, let alone abuse.

Being able to see things from a higher self POV helps me be more empathetic and learn that I want what's best for my abusers and for myself.

Last thoughts

You are a god and in control of your reality by mere thoughts, intentions and simply changing perspectives.

The world is a strange and confusing place to live in and I can see why atheism is so appealing to people I mean I was an atheist for so many years growing up throughout mostly my teens. It's a selfish belief system that wraps things up so conveniently like christianity does too.

Being an atheist means you don't believe in yourself.

Use the heart for discernment.

Videos I found to be cool and get you in the mood:

Timelapse of the entire universe

Zoom out from earth by nelsking26 has a cooler song

also mental health related things about thoughts vs event severity

[pseudoartistpostsstuff]

Yandere time and hyrule headcannons

I'm not sure if you've seen the hype around sky being in his undershirt and being ✨pretty✨ in the recent update, but could I please request reader fawning over Yan!sky in his undershirt or some general hc's for him?

Thank you both for requesting!

Notes: I wasn't that online on tumblr around that time, so I only saw it now lmao.

Anyway, I did both headcannons and a oneshot, hope you'll like it!

Also, yes, I merged those two requests since headcannons can be piled into the same post.

I'll probably sound redundant in a lot of these, simply because I didn't write this at one go and when I got to it again I may have forgotten that I wrote it before. My memory is not the best, forgive me.

There are more headcannons for Time because he's my favorite, sorry.

I need a master list, seriously.

Edited before sleeping, I'm sleepy and probably messed up one or two paragraphs of this.

The oneshot in question.

TWs: Yanderism, Mentions of food and bad eating habits and a little of my fairy/fae brain rot.

Don't mind grammatical errors, please!

Headcannons for yandere Sky, Time and Hyrule.

Yandere! Lu! Sky x Reader

For starters, Sky is sweet, but he is very manipulative.

Therefore, don't be surprised if you notice you stopped doing many of the things you used to do when you first got through the portal.

Most of the time it's not even bad things!

He might team up with Hyrule and Wild to take care of your main health, like eating habits. If you're a picky eater then expect Sky to slowly transition you into eating a little bit of everything, in no time you'll be eating like Wild does.

Then again, he'll also make sure to get the ingredients to the foods you do eat without struggling, also getting Wild to make a separate meal for you, should you not eat that one specific recipe Wild made for dinner.

You'll probably be getting help from him when it comes to self-care habits as well, like, the max of skin care and hair care you can get at Hyrule. He will make the effort to talk to people who know more about your skin and hair type, those who have it and take care of it well.

But, we can't ignore the genuinely bad things he will try to influence you into doing...

Privacy? Gone.

Not only will he be around you most if not all of the time, but he will also always be paying close attention to you and what you're doing.

So if you believed keeping a journal in your language would help you keep some things to yourself, then think again. The privacy of using your language instead of hyrulean to write in your jornal will soon turn into a mere illusion. Despite being more quiet and seemingly the less imposing of the Links, Sky has already gone, and will keep going through lengths for you, which includes learning the language you use.

Of course he noticed you kept a private journal, and despite you trying to lie about the contents of it, it's only a matter of time until he is skillfully scanning through the pages with his eyes like he's reading his favorite book. Memorizing any and all information he can find about you.

As manipulative as he is, he is also delusional, he doesn't have any idea of what he is doing, he simply doesn't know that what he is doing is wrong on so many levels.

He's not doing anything on purpose, he's just trying to protect you and get you to like him, like a normal guy!! At least, Zelda liked it when he did this with her back then, just how different are you two?

Genuinely, Sky would have a hard time figuring you and your emotions out. You're a human being after all, and he respects that those things are not supposed to be easy to figure out. In fact, he highly respects and appreciates that you're complex.

Not that he'll respect boundaries, nope, no way.

You're a puzzle he's very much looking forward to figuring out. Honestly, the only puzzle he'd ever want to figure out.

So, I'll probably elaborate this later, but the chain as Gods. Sky would be very much a Thor. That means silly blonde lightening man.

Imagine hylians from Sky's era used matching earrings alike engagement rings, like, Sky just randomly inviting you to an overly nice picnic, just to hand you blue earings just like his.

And if you don't have your ears pierced anywhere it'd be even better in his eyes, since he'd just adjust it to be a "normal" ring.

It was actually an engagement ring, but you didn't know that, or any of the other Links, really, since this tradicional custom got lost in time.

Yandere! Lu! Time x Reader

I think pretty much everyone knows Time is a teasing bastard.

Don't get me wrong, he can be pretty mature, but trust me, it's not really common for him to act like that.

Time is used to pretending, he used many different masks to become different races in his journey, that was needed from him at the time, the same way that being the mature one is being needed from him right now.

Just because he is deeply traumatized emotionally and physically from his job as a hero doesn't mean his personality is lost as well.

It didn't change that much since he was a child, not really.

He is addicted to making you flustered, so if you get flustered easily I'm sorry for you.

If making you blush is a challenge then I'm just as sorry for you, because Time isn't quite known for giving up easily.

And he's good at making people embarrassed, too.

The amount of women who were in love with him is everything I need as proof.

But the worst part? He doesn't have bad pick up lines.

Look, Time is a toucher, so yes, his love language is physical touch, that makes sense to me.

That doesn't mean only cuddling, of course, it can mean cuddling and hugging when you're alone, but do expect a few more things.

I was gonna say hand holding in public, especially in crowded places, but you know what? Guiding you by holding the back of your neck is simply easier to him, and a lot more obvious "back off!" to strangers who look at you for far too long.

Also, randomly leaning against you, the two of you may be just walking and suddenly you feel a large mass lightly leaning against your own body, almost making you stumble. you might just be standing in front of the dinner table, reading a recipe book and once again you just feel that familiar presence right behind you, but instead of hugging you from behind he's just there, like he is reading the book along with you.

Remember how you were reading that one recipe book? Well he might give it a try and help you make something in the kitchen just to spend time with you. Like, you're just pouring ingredients in a bowl and he's there "helping" you by wrapping his arm around your waist to give you "emotional support", as he calls it.

He is, in reality, just standing there watching you cook, trying his best to resist the urge to distract you and simply annoy you, because he is still trying to make it seem like he is a mature, grown man, and definitely not one who is eyeing the flour in his reach and thinking about launching a handful of it at you.

You did see his hand slowly reaching for the flour in the corner of your vision. He only stopped once you threatened to scoop out his remaining eye should even a speck of flour hit your face.

Yet, Time is a creative man, flour was only one of his plans.

He's got wandering hands and wandering lips. And he can and will make use of those just to distract you.

And that's how Time became banned from the kitchen when you were the one cooking, only being able to join you for cleaning later.

So yeah, his love language is physical touch, but it is also disturbance.

In that matter, he's not very different from Wind when you two are alone. If you ignore his flirtatious moves, that is. But he's quite different when you two are with the others, especially if you've done, or is doing something to annoy him, then he has to keep up that mature facade of his.

He believes the others won't take him seriously should he reveal his actual personality, so really, when you're around others you'll only get glimpses of it from time to time.

It is mandatory from the Links to be stubborn, but Time takes the cake.

Maybe it is his age, but he will never change his mind, ever. No point in arguing.

So when he is silly, he is silly, but when he is serious he is terrifying, no exaggeration.

The worst part is that older people have a lot of respect in Hyrule, so no matter what he says, his word is law.

Now, don't get me wrong, by now, pet names are just a thing Time always does with you, in a way you barely hear your own name coming from his lips unless he's being really serious about something.

But actual words of affirmation? Not his thing.

He'd much rather be as clingy as glue to you when you're alone.

But, not like Sky's soft, light cuddles. Time Will basically smother you.

Seriously, it may be his sheer muscle mass, but he'll drap himself over you in a way you'll feel yourself surrounded by him.

In fact, the first time he did it you probably almost suffocated.

You'll get used to it eventually, though. Hopefully.

He's pontual and very strict as well, he and Hyrule are probably gonna be bickering in most matters involving you, like, for example, "five more minutes" naps.

Don't even try to trick him, you'll hear stuff like "I was your age once" and shit, the man will act like he's a hundred years old or something.

Then again, he might be, after all, he is older in mind than he is in body.

He was forced to mature quicker and went through a lot of trauma, that, and he also had to go back in time a lot of times.

Now that I think about it, he probably lived for longer than your grandparents. Just saying.

Yandere! Lu! Hyrule x Reader

Don't get him wrong, Hyrule is very much full of love, really. He cares about everyone equally.

Yet, as corny as that is, your name isn't "everyone", you're not anyone, you're you, how could he even think about possibly treating you the same way as he treats everyone else?

You're put on a pedestal, everyone else is treated equally by him, except you, you are treated like you are divine and not mortal like he is.

So you'll feel like a toddler 24/7 around Hyrule, he is not as stubborn as Time, he's just… Persistent.

The other Links will find themselves teasing him for it a lot, even if deep inside they are just the same.

Play nice, walk on the line and you'll have a Hyrule at your beck and call. If you know how to do it right, you will be able to use his babying to your own benefit, because trust me, his persistence can work on the Links much more than yours, after all, they trust him for being another Link.

I feel like he'd also help you keep pets, it may be his fairy nature, but he is just good with animals, especially with forest animals. Be them small or big.

Although he definitely has a soft spot for smaller pets, even more if you're the one asking him to bring along a pet you found.

Surprisingly or not, Hyrule is probably one of the most protective Links if you happen to lean more towards the naive/vulnerable side of the spectrum.

It's a general fairy headcannon of mine, but since fairies take care of forest and the animals there, specially the smaller or more vulnerable types of animals, then it's not new for them to be also quite protective towards humans close to them.

Bonus points if they have those traits.

But then again, you're Hyrule's darling, you may be as strong and independent as a Link yourself, but he'll still see you as in need of his care and attention at all times.

That also may or may not be another reason why Hyrule treats you like a toddler.

So yeah, coddling. Lots of it.

Hyrule is also a fan of small things, trinkets. Natural or shiny... Precious or useless... In his eyes all are treasures.

Treasures you'll find your bags and pockets full of.

He is absolutely a rock, cristal guy.

Imagine, you're just walking to another village, and suddenly Hyrule stops walking for a few moments, just to speed walk towards you again just a bit later, cleaning something he is holding in his hands with the help of his sleeve.

Then he hands you a small, clear rock, grinning.

Better get used to this, it's probably gonna happen at least once every day.

So yeah, love language is gift giving and acts of service.

I feel like he's very awkward with words of affirmation, he didn't spend a lot of time saying or hearing those, after all. Like most of the Links.

[professorhayforbreath]

so episode 5. all my thoughts

we picked up where the last one left off, good start

annabeth saying she knows percy isn't dead... how. to annabeth and grover there should have been no way percy was alive and finding out he was should've been so emotional but instead she was like dw i know he's not dead lol. it's kind of... lazy writing? like how are you gonna write a scene as gut wrenching as percy trapping himself with a monster and telling his friends to complete the quest without him because he's actively dying and has no reason to believe he'll survive, and then make the fallout of that so... nonchalant? idk if it's a time limit thing but that was so underwhelming to me

annabeth being the one to see the fates... no

fugitive percy enjoyers at least we won!!!!

the trio peeking over the road barrier at ares was cute goofy silly i liked that :)

gabe on the news shit talking percy i'm hooting and hollering!! "i really-- WE really loved that car" and "i'm gonna kill him". excellent. now put percy on the news fake crying about his "loving" stepfather i believe in you

i did want them to acknowledge annabeth's lack of experience with the world outside camp but having her say "i've never seen any kind of movie" has gotta be one of the weirdest ways they could've done that

the turnstile scene was cool i guess but as we go on i'm more and more conscious of how many episodes are left and how much plot there is to get through and idk i feel like this scene could've hit the cutting room floor and we wouldn't have lost anything

i do love the ambience of the park though. maybe i'm easy to impress because the aesthetic of an abandoned amusement park is just fantastic on its own but the set was very cool. wish it wasn't so dark so i could've actually seen it ❤️

percy and annabeth having a serious conversation with 'what is love' blaring in the background is sending me

first ever seaweed brain dropped! i liked the way they did it, it felt natural

actually back to the "i've never seen a movie" thing. you're telling me that in this version of the story, in which frederick chase was apparently a great dad who treated annabeth like a gift, he never took her to the movies? or she never watched one on tv? she had a whole seven years of life in the real world before going to camp and she's never seen a movie

annabeth isn't allowed to have fears she's too smart for that apparently

i think the scene with the chair was overall well executed with some great lines and fantastic acting but... idk. they really scrapped the original scene just to do what they already did last episode. i miss the spiders i miss hephaestus tv. it felt redundant to have percy sacrifice himself again. percy this is the second time today you've been like "no dw i'll just die" do you need to talk to someone

annabeth disillusionment arc complete already? calm down guys this is season one

ZOO TRUCK ZOO TRUCK ZOO TR

so it's confirmed the reason they go into the lotus casino is BECAUSE hermes is there :/ they said these literal children cannot fall for tricks and traps it's too unrealistic

not much to say about the grover and ares scenes bc i don't know what to make of them. i didn't mind them. ares had some funny lines. i guess my only complaint is that the grover i know would not have been so calm talking to the god of war. i'm curious to see where that cliffhanger leads

is it just me or did the pacing improve a little bit this episode?

despite how negative i sound i enjoyed episode 5 a lot more than episode 4. there are still so many weird changes, additions, and omissions though. honestly i think a big part of the reason i enjoyed this one is because i'm not expecting anything anymore. i'm not getting my hopes up about them adapting the book normally i'm just intrigued by this thing like a scientist observing an experiment. like hmm what are they doing now? fascinating *takes notes*

[hell-drabbles]

Companion angst?!?!?!

Let's say companion is in a desolate place, no one around them. They unfortunately found themselves in battle with a few angels, the only weapon they fend them off with was their metal pole. By a stroke of luck, companion had managed to defeat them. Unfortunately, this cost them fatal injuries everywhere. Their body battered and bloody; while the battlefield, splattered with the blood of what they fought.

Without warning their body collapses to the cold, rough pavement. All of their strength had finally wavered in the end. All of their effort had been put into a cat-and-mouse chase of angels seeking out nothing but bloodlust. Had they been too careless? Too tough?

Sanguine blood seeps into the rocky surface which created a bit of feathering on the edges. The multitude of wounds on their body; the gashes; the bruises; all painful. They hiss as they try to shift into a more comfortable position, the pain rendering the motion detrimental. More scarlet blood flowed out of their opened wounds.

They sigh, resting their head on to the pavement wet with their blood.

Unable to move, the companion just lies there. They're too worn out. Too worn out to scream; too worn out to fight the pain seeping into their open wounds.

"It's better to die than be stuck in this place."

Ra-on would probably carry on with his life. Maybe he hadn't even noticed their disappearance. Ra-on was not a carefree man, but a careless boy. Was Solomon as ignorant as he was? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

All the devils in hell probably won't bat an eye either. After all, this companion was insignificant to Raon's story.

What about Minhyeok? Would he grieve, or would he get over it quickly?

"You're talking to yourself again." A mumble escapes their parted lips. Companion wheezes out a few hacks and coughs. Breathing felt like their lungs were trapped in an iron maiden. Constricting.

Whatever. Whatever. It's better to rest it off for now- or forever- if that's what God chooses.

(Hahahahaha! Oh how I adore any and all forms of angst. Though, since this is me we're talking about, I never really stop at just death when it comes to that. I'm a big ol' fan of the "fate worse than death" troupe. Dying is simply not enough for me, I need more! Also, no clue if any of this is accurate, but who cares? I write what I want.)

And in this drunken kissing party, some of the devils present whispered among themselves.

"I found blood," one said as he chugged a shot, "lots of it. Couldn't find a body though."

"Angel blood?" The other devil was tracing the veins in his partner's neck, but pulled back. He knew him too well. Anything he says was always worth something. Redundant comments about a common sight were not a part of him.

He asked 'angel blood,' but the answer wasn't going to be something he would like.

"No," This devil was hoping it would be just that. That he just found an unusual amount of angel blood streaking the walls and street. But no, of course not. He's always walking and always finding tragic things. A curse, really. "Human blood. Too much of it."

"And you're not telling anyone else?"

"…it's their blood. You know prideful they are. If… if they're somewhere, then I don't think they want to be publicly seen like that."

He and his partner got up and walked out without a word. It's not as if they went unnoticed. To have any devil walk out when they're all playing a game of who can make Ra-on pass out with a kiss, it was… strange.

Others would follow, but most would stay.

And, of course, Ra-on wouldn't notice either. How could he when he's distracted by all the matters of the flesh? Of the very thing he's been fantasizing and is now receiving? In his head, perhaps this was his reward for surviving for as long as he has? For living with this heavy burden upon him after all these years?

An existence as dull and mundane as his was bound to crave excitement. And certainly, Ra-on was selfishly thirsty for it.

He has freedom. Ra-on's narrative was finally, though temporarily, free of those judging eyes and hissing insults. He could indulge in everything and anything, even if what he's getting is just his ancestors leftovers.

Besides, to all that knew his companion, that knew them, they'll be back. Hurt and bloody, but they'll be back. To him, to many of the devils Ra-on's slept with, they cut a near invincible figure.

"They're like my pet hell bug Mimi!" Someone once laughed behind him, "I keep losing her and yet, she always comes back alright no matter how far away I am."

The devils are idiots but their hearts are pure.

They make bonds so easily. If it weren't for that, well, can anyone really hope to survive in Hell? Would the journey be as interesting if they weren't as open and gullible as they are?

The devils in the alleyway search for a person that is no longer there.

And the devils here keep the last human in Hell happy.

Of course, no one would turn their eyes to the window, where a transparent, iridescent feather falls. No one spots the figure sitting on the ledge.

The companion is lost. All that's left behind was a shallow, haloed husk.

[thebook-illneverwrite]

I keep writing these words,

And I don't know why, they just spill out when the sun goes down..just hope that one day they'll run dry,

And that all I'll have left to say is thank you for being such a good friend.

And it's easy in the daylight, feels like nothings really changed, but I know it has, I remind myself everyday and that reality is easy during the day when it's bright outside and there's a 1001 distractions.

I hate that I still write about it.

It feels so redundant and pathetic,

Yet it bounces around my head like pinball.

The one that got away,

And see after years of hell you were everything I thought I would never get.

And I know, God I know that I wasn't it for you, trust me I know,

I rebreak my own heart often with that reminder,

I'm sure my therapist would tell me I'm doing it on purpose and she's probably right.

You said once in your letter, you want someone who'll push you to be better, the best version of you and that pissed me off when I read it truthfully.

That used to be me, who I was as a person, but it's not my job or anyones really. To sit and hound you to do the things you know you need to do, not that you listen anyway.

But the answer you're looking for to a question I didn't want to answer, aside from the love I have for you, you just being you inspires me to be better.

Thats why I listen although I wish I didn't, not because you're wrong, you almost never are.

But because you have this hold over me, and not in a bad way, you care and you're good and the toxic in me wants to spit it in your face.

And I should distance myself, maybe that's old habits who even knows anymore when the lines of who I was and who I am are so blurred together I can't even tell anymore.

I wonder though, if the old me, the cold heartless me could have walked away from you had she met you or if you would have melted the walls around that heart too.

And I'm sorry to the next, but I don't want to dream anymore. I don't want to plan.

[metaldragoon]

How do you feel about Farnese and Schierke from the newer volumes of Berserk?

I like 'em. In general, I like every single Berserk character so I mean that's not necessarily saying much. When I first read Berserk, which was somewhere between 2013-2016, I would say I kinda didn't love Farnese that much. I've never really cared about the Holy See stuff and that's just kind of entirely the fuel to her backstory. Re-reading though, I'm like ah she's a psycho and I can appreciate that. Maybe it's just getting older and less egotistical but I really like her whole sense of just being a burden to the group and struggling to find her worth in anything past having been a powerful last name. I be feeling that burden. Schierke's fine, she's good, with extension given to Ivalera they make the narrative a lot more light-hearted, which, like, I dunno, I like because ah what tough guy doesn't appreciate a little cuteness here and there, but then I'm like is it just a crutch because Golden Age wasn't doing that shit (much) because it didn't need it. Just cold-hard PLOT and I slopped it up like an animal. I would say she's kinda been a bit stagnant in terms of development (Isidro too, moreso). I was kinda hoping that she would find some time to figure out who she was in Elfhelm among her little witch buddies or something to that affect but I guess not? Like I guess that shit's gone now and maybe that's just a Mori thing not wanting to mess with the chef's special sauce but it's a bit disappointing. In a way she kinda doesn't even stand out to me because the ways she act haven't really been explored like they have with everyone else. That all sounds pretty negative, but I do still like her and I gobble up her praise kink getting fulfilled by Guts. Them BOTH having feelings for Guts also feels kinda eh, redundant to me, though I still like and think it makes sense for both of them to have feelings but I'm lord does anyone not want to get fucked by this guy? In terms of their relationship between one another with the whole learning magic, again I feel like Schierke's side has been a bit unexplored. Where's that sense of fulfillment by empowering others just like your master who you idolise so much did for you? And then, y'know, I'm happy to see Farnese doing her shit, visualizing apples and summoning the four gods of the elements to save them from a kraken and what not. Watching her feel more confident in herself, clenching my fists yelling "Go! Go!"

[cakessecretblog]

R 8/27

i once saw someone say, "my final act of love is leaving you alone", and i pretend like that's what i did for you, i tried so hard for years to prove how much i loved you. I know you did too, i know how hard you tried, i promise.

i know how i showed my love was different from most, i know i wasn't the most stable, caring or affectionate. i hate myself every day for the things i did wrong. i spend a lot of time dwelling, wondering why i cant go back and change it all.

i put on an old shirt today, it smelled like us. or what i imagine the smell we grew to create. isn't it funny to think that the time we spent was literally washed away?

its hard not you check on you, its been months, so many people blocked, removed, so many people i had to give up on. i simply want my own peace, yet i find myself on lonely nights like this thinking of you. i honestly don't even know what you're up to, or if you & her are even still together.

the other night i had a gut wrenching thought, that you might marry her and you might dance to the song i wanted for us. god that tore me apart.

i think you'd be proud of me if you could see me now. some days i catch myself thinking about reasons to text you. i think to myself, "does he not reach out because he hasn't given me a second thought, or is it because i don't reach out and he thinks its for the best to leave it alone?" and i guess its just a projection of how i feel, but the ladder is easier on the mind.

I've also done a lot of things not even i am proud of. i wont go into specifics, but its taken a lot of trail and error to get to where i am now, and I'm still not good enough.

I've made a lot of new friends, a lot of people have become important in my life without me even realizing. clearly, I've stayed single. but its not that i didn't try. I did, over and over and over. i meet someone that i like, and then on a random tuesday when the sun is bright in my eyes and i slept a little too late that morning, i fucking hate them. men, women, doesn't matter. nobody, no body, is good enough.

i cant tell if I'm lonely, or scared to be alone. some days i feel like if i don't start dating soon, it'll be a big topic of discussion at your families dinner table. "look at poor [redacted] and her inability to love and be loved, we always knew she was a nutcase" i wonder how many of those sessions you and her have sat in on and laughed over. does it bond you closer together?

i'm unsure if you know, but our son passed away this month. if you didn't know, im sorry you found out this way, i swear on my life i wanted you there. i just fucking couldn't bring myself to make that call. please forgive me. my inability to face you stole your last moments with our boy. i was also, petrified, that you wouldn't even care, our lives are so far separate now, would a call have even went through? on the other hand, if you know, why didn't you say something? no one did. you, your siblings, your parents. my heartache was nothing to bat an eye over.

theres so much i have to say to you. six long months of me alone in my room, just asking question after question. i feel like i could keep typing for hours, but everything would get redundant. i need time to think about the things i say.

what i really wanted to say at the end of the day is, i wish i could talk to you, but i hope i never see you again. and i love you. and i wish you were dead. and i wish we had the life we envisioned. a few weeks ago, flipping through my old sketch books i found a page, from 2020. it was a rough sketch of our first apartment together, and both of our hand writings.

oh god, i miss you so much.

[youandtom2]

omg the insomnia fic was so CUTE! can i request like roommate peter and reader? maybe reader has a “i don’t date roommates” policy but they’re still really into each other?

OOOOOOOHHHHH I like. Okay *cracks knuckles* here we go. I wrote this really quickly so I hope this didn't turn out too much like garbage...

Insomnia fic mentioned > Sweet Dreams My Love

DEFINITELY YES NOT

"No. No way. You are not adding anymore hot sauce-"

"But it just needs a slight kick, I'm telling you-"

"Who's cooking here, Peter? Me. I'm cooking. Feel free to add hot sauce to your own portion but you're not adding it to the whole pot."

"But then that means I need to add it every time I take a portion-"

"Boo hoo, Peter. Suck it up."

Peter huffs and directs a critical, scathing look towards you with the hot sauce in hand. It's bad enough that your kitchen is barely big enough to fit the two of you, but when you are both equally possessive over the kitchen and the cooking, it makes for a very argumentative dinner time. And tonight is no exception.

During the semester when you had two other people living in the apartment, you would all religiously follow the kitchen rota so that everyone had a chance to cook what they wanted, but it was primarily used to keep the peace between you. With Spring break around the corner and the apartment being two people short, the rota became completely redundant. You quickly sensed that the peace was at threat of being breached, because without the other roommates, who was going to cook on the days they're not here?

It was the million dollar question.

Worse yet, your roommates were the prime distraction for your ever-growing attraction towards Peter; people who could dull the murmur in your heart when he was near, or who could calm your nerves when Peter would casually flirt with you. You needed them there because you couldn't allow yourself to fall for another roommate again, not after last year when your ex banished you from the apartment and left you struggling to get back up onto your feet for weeks. It was a relationship that completely broke you and you vowed to never make the same mistake again.

With back-up gone, you're now left to your own devices. Alone with Peter.

Peter's presence soon looms behind you, his head hanging over your shoulder supervising as you stirred the boiling pot in front of you. He's so close, in fact, that you can just feel the swift brushing of his chest against your back, so close that you can feel the breezing of his breath fanning down your neck, and close enough that his scent lingers aimlessly in front of you.

Oh my God-

No, no, no. No way. No roommates, remember? It fucked you over last time. It's not happening again.

You try and not let Peter affect you, keeping your mind focused on not burning the food.

With one hand on his hip and the other resting on the counter beside you, you can just tell that he's judging you in some way. You don't even need to look.

"You're not stirring quick enough, you're going to burn it!" He exclaims. Instantly, he encases your hand in his own, taking control of the wooden spoon and speeding up your movements. It only takes a few seconds to realise when his other hand grabs the handle of the pot to stable it that you're completely surrounded by him, trapped in his presence and you can't escape. This isn't helping...

"It wasn't going to burn, calm down."

"Oh, is that right? Look at the bottom of this pot." You raise to your tiptoes to see the slight blackness of the mince congregating below with just the hint of Peter's stupid smirk in your peripheral. Pfft, barely burnt..."I think I'll take over now."

"No way."

"This isn't up for debate. It's my turn now sweetheart, you've had your chance."

Before your stomach even has a chance to flutter at his words, you feel the weight of Peter's arm wrapping neatly around your waist, growing in pressure as he effortlessly lifts you from where you stand and carries you out of the kitchen. "Peter!" He keeps a firm hold of you even as your feet flail madly in the air, cruising easily through the hallway and into the dining room. Peter's hands curve easily around your waist and threaten with a soft squeeze every time you try to slip from his grasp. Your movements cease the minute he sits you down at head of the dining table, already prepared with a napkin, cutlery and a glass of wine. The exact same set up is prepared just ahead of you, separated by two small tea candles. When did this get set up?

"What...what is this," you softly chuckle, suddenly feeling unnerved by it all... "I'm just gonna get back-"

A soft squeak is let loose the moment Peter swoops in to kiss you, resolute and confident. His finger tips sidle along the length of your jaw, holding you down and keeping you in your seat as you melt to his touch. "Can't you just let a guy make you dinner?"

You're too stunned to speak, releasing just a single stutter while you watch him leave the room with a cheeky grin plastered across his lips. His kiss leaves a buzz on your lips and in the stillness of the room, you sit with your fingertips tracing along the edge of your lips, adoring the way his warmth lingers. The moment replays over and over again, stuck in a loop in your mind until your diffidence is completely contradicted by the immediate groan of frustration that leaves your throat. Everything Peter is doing is going against every single rule you set yourself, and it's making you question your own moral integrity. It just makes everything so much more complicated. He is just supposed to be your roommate and nothing else. A friend, perhaps.

But what is he vying for?

The shock doesn't quite alleviate and your still chewing on the ends of your fingers by the time he returns, holding two platefuls of food, its aroma immediately flooding the room.

"Thank you," you mutter quietly.

"I hope it's not too burnt," he chuckles, sitting directly across from you. "I tried to salvage what you ruined."

"Hey, it wasn't ruined."

"It would never have been burnt in the first place if you just let me cook!"

"Well you know I wouldn't have given in so easily."

"I was accounting for that. You were never going to give into me easily, were you?"

You look up, eyebrows scowling in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I made it so obvious to you that I really fucking liked you but you didn't respond to any of it. At all. I just kissed you and you've completely brushed over it. I didn't understand why until MJ told me about your 'policy'." You note the way his voice deflates, eyes drifting further and further away from you.

"It's nothing against you, Peter." Without thinking, your hand reaches over to his, fingers curling around it almost desperately to plead your case. Peter's eyes glance at it, a soft twinkle flickering with affection. After a short sigh, he finally returns to you.

"I know. She also told me why you have that policy. I guess I thought that I needed to prove to you that I'm not like your jerk of an ex-boyfriend, I would never do anything like that to you! I would do anything to convince you of that."

Your eyes latch onto the meal in front of you, the wine, the lit candles, the way he stares at you longingly from across the table, and for a fleeting moment, his lips. He did all of this for you.

There's an unmissable sincerity in his voice, and partnered with the devotion in his eyes, it wipes away the doubt in your heart and any remnants of the pain from last years' heartbreak.

You take a large breath in, letting it fill your lungs for just a couple of seconds before relieving the tension.

"I believe you." And you really do.

Peter halts mid-mouthful, shock evident in those wildly brown eyes of his. He swallows and looks up to you with an endearing hope.

"So...so are you saying you'll take a chance with me?"

Your lips stretch, heart fluttering. "Yeah," you whisper.

Peter instantly throws his napkin onto the table and you laugh as you watch him march over towards you with a beaming confidence that has you swooning. His hands find the warmth of your cheeks, practically lifting you from your chair to meet with his lips and just like before, you melt into him with a hum. The kiss lasts a few seconds longer than before with Peter finally knowing that his efforts had paid off.

"There's one thing though..." you mutter against his lips, breathless.

"What?"

"Stop putting a whole bottle of hot sauce in the fucking food. My mouth is on fire."

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

Imma be bold and say that Hopes did the thing that, if 3H would've done, would've made Claude a very boring/predictable character, and that's make him more like The Gard.

Cuz like, when I first played 3H? I thought for sure that Claude was gonna be a genuinely shady and villainous guy - it's part of why I chose him for my first route! I wanted to play a route that had me Being Naughty, and Claude seemed like he was gonna do that in a fun cheeky way. But seeing the distrustful, sneaky, charismatic schemer end up being more like Dimitri in his moral standing and dreams than The Gard, but in a way that still was very distinctly Claude and very unique to his character? And seeing him be a genuinely Good Dude who honest-to-god wanted the best for everyone and tried to achieve that best for everyone, even with all the shit he went through and the environments he was raised in?

That's so much more interesting! Seeing a character hold such a strong sense of self and having so much confidence to be able to hold on to their morals and ideals and then successfully achieve his dreams while playing nice(r)? Where he dips and curves in his methods but never drops? Seeing him bond more with the person who seems to be his opposite than the person who seems to be similar or at least, more readily compatible? That made Claude such an interesting character to explore, and so much better than the typical cheeky villain I initially thought of him as.

But now? Nah - what you see is what you get. The player is told that Claude is completely untrustworthy: Claude is completely untrustworthy. Claude is said to be similar to The Gard: Claude basically is The Gard. No interesting spin, no deeper meaning to his character or his actions. Where before much of his schemer persona was simply a mask to hide the more vulnerable pars of himself, now it's just Who He Is, Completely And Utterly. He doesn't even give a unique spin on being similar to The Gard, like him being similar to Dimitri but still being very clearly different from Dimitri; he's literally The Gard in the entire second half of his own route and a good chunk of SB, down to the letter, with nothing really distinguishing about himself that separates him from The Gard character wise. And that just makes him... really really redundant, predictable, and boring :/

sorry for Yet Another Rant About Hopes!Claude but oh my GOD it's like the more this sits in my brain the more reasons to hate it I find 😭

Don't be sorry ldgjdflgj This is a game that makes you Feel Things whether you want to or not, good or bad.

But you're right! It's disappointingly one-note that Claude is everything people have made him out to be, because the whole intrigue of his character was that he wasn't everything that met the eye. That's his whole thing. The intrigue was in the turn-around--that he strikes the sweet spot between being a good guy who wants good things and being the sort of person to use what's at his fingertips with the creativity/resourcefulness needed to make those good things happen. While it's not bad to make characters predictable (quality lies in construction, not wow factor) it's the fact that everyone continued to go on about how no one knew what was going on in Claude's head and I'm like . . . are you sure? You couldn't . . . You know you couldn't even make a complete shot in the dark? You'd probably be right, let's face it.

And that's a shame! It really is. Claude was never meant to be like either one of the lords, but here we are, with this copy of Her Majesty. Goddamn.

As a more positive statement, though: Claude maintains his enjoyability in Houses even when you know all his secrets; that's the sign of a good character. So props to Houses Claude. Why? For existing. That's all it takes at this point.

[lepusrufus]

To bargain for immortality pt.1

It's here fellas, the mutation sequel that I've mercilessly teased you with!

Content warnings: gore, torture, blood (like... lots), just a bunch of puking up blood, Miranda being her usual mad scientist self, torture in the name of science, Nicole be sick af (both literally and of crow mommy's bullshit), a little bit of blood drinking as a treat, medical procedures.

////

Tic toc tic toc

God that clock is so annoying.

Nicole wasn’t nervous. No. She chose this, at least for the most part. She had a long conversation with all her family, Alcina and Esteria both assuring her that it would work. It’s been years since the beginning of the experiments and by this point the process was almost perfected.

Miranda knew what she was doing.

That mattered little to her nerves though.

She instinctively pushed herself further into Cassandra’s side, who’s grip around her waist tightened ever so slightly.

The waiting was downright tortuous.

She, along with Cassandra and her two sisters were in her infirmary. The room mixed the ancient decor of the castle with modern medical equipment in a beautiful way. Not that anything less would be acceptable. Not that the familiarity of her workspace brought her any comfort either.

All their eyes snapped in the direction of the door when a heavy set of footsteps, with two lighter ones, were heard down the hallway outside. Soon the door opened with a barely audible creak and the two matriarchs entered, followed suit by Mother Miranda. Her presence alone was enough to make Nicole’s breath get lost somewhere in her throat, on its way to an exhale. The black wings, even partially folded as they were, did their job of making her look so much more intimidating than she was. Not that she needed them to begin with, a look from those icy gray eyes more than enough to send anyone to their knees.

Mother Miranda was, in all ways that mattered, a goddess.

A goddess that was about to infect her with the same thing that failed countless times in the past. The same thing that made the crawling mindless beasts used as guard dogs in the undergrounds. Or that made all the lycans.

Nicole gulped, a gesture gone thankfully unnoticed to anyone other than her painfully dry mouth.

But Miranda didn’t spare her a glance. She simply busied herself with some tools she had brought on one of the metal tables. With each clink the room seemed to close in on her slightly more, until Nicole felt as if she somehow ended up in one of Heisenberg's death traps. Spikes moving closer and closer until they would pierce her body and leave her in a messy pool of blood and entrails.

She shook her head and took a long inhale. No. This was going to work. She was not about to lose her family over a pesky thing such as mortality. She was not about to lose Cassandra. If getting infected by the Cadou was what it took to spend eternity with her lover then so be it. Possible side effects be damned.

Mother Miranda finally seemed to have finished, a now empty flask labeled Cadou sitting on the desk behind her while the parasite was writhing in her hand, thin whip-like tentacles extending frantically around itself. She called her over with a nod, and with a deep breath and a parting hand squeeze from Cassandra, Nicole forced her legs to take her across the room. Her steps didn't waver, she'd be damned if she'd show any hesitancy in front of this.

"Shall we begin."

It wasn't a question really, merely veiled impatience. Miranda did not like her, plain and simple. The fact that she was there to begin with was already a miracle. Miracle that wouldn't have happened were it not for the Ladies themselves asking for it.

"Yes of c-"

Before her words even had time to completely slip out of her mouth, golden talons plunged into the base of her sternum.

"Hopefully this can teach you that I don't like people going behind my back."

Nicole let out a choked gasp, hands instinctively wrapping around Miranda's arm, weakly grabbing at black robes. Ironically enough, those very talons were keeping her upright and, when they were removed from her flesh with a disgusting squelch of blood, Nicole curled in on herself, falling to her knees.

"Wha-... cking ki-... -er!"

Cassandra's voice reached her ears broken up, barely passing through the deafening ringing. Miranda also gave a reply and then seemed to address someone else but her much calmer tone meant that it only sounded like a vague mumble.

Not that Nicole particularly cared at the moment.

She curled into a ball, her hands almost clawing at her chest trying to find some sort of relief. It seemed as if vicious tendrils were making their way into every vein and muscle, tearing their way through any tissue they found. Her chest felt as if it had a hot iron pressed directly onto the skin, searing pain radiating in a cruel pulse matching her frantic heartbeat. By that point she was either sobbing or heaving, something that involved shallow breaths for sure. Her lungs were protesting fiercely, emptying of oxygen and then refusing to refill if not with great strain.

To make everything worse, the pain seemed to shift, now engulfing her spine and sending jolts that made her head spin and want to throw up despite her jaws being clenched shut so tightly that she was sure she'd start to taste copper soon.

She was only vaguely aware of hands shifting her body and soothing words that fell on deaf ears. She was now on a softer surface, but that did nothing to alleviate the assault on each of her senses. Probably she had thrown up at a certain point as her sinuses felt like being scraped by sandpaper with each shuddering breath. Her mouth too had a lingering taste of both bile and blood that made her stomach turn all over again. She would give anything for her body to finally shut down.

Why was she still awake and conscious god damn it. There was only so much her body was supposed to take before the brain shut down and she was reaching her limit of how much agony she could endure at a moment.

Please please please just pass out please.

She didn't though. Her body seemingly deciding to feel every single bit of the infection process, complete with the unending waves of pain and nausea that hit her more than she wanted to count. Any bit of sanity left in her would've probably disappeared had she tried.

---

It took two days for the agonizing pain to subside. Another two for Nicole to be able to form any kind of coherent sentence. Cassandra's soothing voice was of immense comfort, always there to tell her how well she was doing and how it would all be better soon.

God she hoped.

On the fifth day, her stomach still lurched at any movement too sudden. Her lungs seemed to fill with blood, courtesy of the still gaping wound at the bottom of her sternum, with any inhale too deep. The fact that she got used to the coppery taste rising up in her throat was disgusting in and of itself. At least there weren't jolts of pain shooting through every nerve and muscle in waves anymore though. That was something.

The fog in her brain was still clearing. It was hard to focus on anything, and each time Cassandra, or anyone else, asked her a question they would have to repeat it at least three times. It was beyond frustrating, the mind that got her through med school drunk half the time was failing the insurmountable task of saying whether or not she'd like some water. Glorious.

A faint knock on the door reached her ears. A redundant gesture really, as she didn't exactly have the clarity of mind to answer. Besides it was hard to catch her in a more compromising state than curled up in the fetal position, covered in sweat and most likely blood clots stuck to her lips.

Esteria came in, her one blue eye that wasn't covered looking at her with all the gentleness neither of her parents had ever offered her. Or it was just the cruel trick of a delirious brain. Either way, light barefoot steps took the Mistress to her bed. She sat in the chair adjacent to it and, with taloned fingers brushing strands of auburn hair out of Nicole's face, she spoke softly.

"How are you feeling today?"

Her voice was just as melodious as ever. It was the voice one imagines they would hear from an ancient being found deep in the forest. It made Nicole just a tad guilty when the only answer she could give was a pathetic whine.

Esteria simply hummed, talons running through the long messy locks of hair sprawled on the sheets.

"Would you like me to braid this for you dear?"

Nicole frowned. The Mistress was an expert at braiding, quick fingers able to make beautiful designs, both simple and complex. Comes with having floor length hair, her hazy mind guessed. On any normal day, Nicole would've accepted without a second thought. But now? Now she was painfully aware of the state she was currently in.

"It's filthy," she croaked, her voice raw and like stones in her mouth.

And it was. Her hair was waist length and right now it was slowly becoming a curse. It was greasy and sweaty thanks to barely being able to move a limb for nearly a week, which meant no showers. Not to mention how she lost count of the times she bent down to empty the contents of her stomach into a bucket, only to have some rebel locks fall in her face and get subsequently dirty. God she felt awful.

Esteria didn't seem to care too much though, as she simply helped Nicole shift slightly and talons started to work at some pesky mats. In no time, her hair was in a comfortable braid that started relatively high, keeping the locks away from her nape which meant just a tad less overheating. Not to mention it kept it in place and away from her mouth that she didn't trust in the slightest right now.

"Thanks," she actually managed to not let her voice crack this time.

"Oh it's no problem. Also," there seemed to be an odd strain in her voice, "Mother Miranda is coming this evening. She said something about an examination."

Nicole couldn't help but openly wince and curl in on herself a little more at the mere mention of the woman. Her chest seemed to pulsate painfully at the memory of the golden talons embedded deep in her flesh. Right now she wanted those hands anywhere away from her.

"What time is it?"

Esteria looked at the clock placed somewhere on the wall behind them. "About twelve. Still got time."

How hard would it be to drag herself to the adjacent bathroom for a quick shower? The only way her situation could get worse was if none other than Mother Miranda came in to see her in that state. She took a deep breath that her lungs protested against and pushed herself onto her elbows. At Esteria's skeptical expression she tried to sound less horrible than she felt.

"I need a shower."

Esteria pursed her lips. "Sorry dear but I don't believe for one second that you can stand for more than a minute. I'll ask a maid to draw you a bath."

Nicole only nodded weakly and let herself fall back into the cushion.

---

It took far longer than Nicole would ever admit to get herself fully clean. Her muscles were sore and protesting at every pass of the soapy sponge. Her hair was a whole other battle and she had to bite down on her pride and ask the maid positioned outside her door for help. It was a tortuous fifteen minutes until the poor girl managed to detangle the long locks enough to be shampooed and washed.

After she was content with the level of cleanliness of her body and the maid was dismissed, she stood there preparing herself to get out of the basin. In the meantime she looked down at the wound at the bottom of her sternum. Maybe wound wasn't the right word. It looked more like a gray and black scar with vein-like tendrils spreading across pale skin. It looked downright gruesome. Miranda really did not try to do a clean job in the slightest. Didn't even think to use anesthesia, like she had with most other experiments, according to Alcina.

She sighed and finally pushed herself out of the water with shaky arms.

By the time Mother Miranda arrived she was feeling slightly better. Why she came personally was still a mystery to Nicole. Maybe some sick sense of satisfaction in seeing her in pain.

Either way, by the time their so-called goddess came into the infirmary and told Nicole to lay down on one of the tables, she managed to shuffle her way over without her body protesting too much. Cassandra also quietly made her way on the opposite side of Miranda, gaining herself a glare.

"Must you hover over her like that?" Miranda's tone was as even as ever, but her eyes betrayed annoyance.

"Does it hinder you?"

Cassandra was not an idiot, the growl she wanted to add into her question was instead replaced by a tone not too dissimilar to Miranda's own, who simply tugged her lips into a grimace.

"Very well."

At first they went through a normal examination. Pupil dilation, reflexes, all things a normal doctor would do. Then Miranda told her to unbutton her blouse so she could take a look at the infection scar.

Nicole couldn't help flinching when thankfully gloved fingers would poke and prod at the sensitive flesh there. Her cold digits felt like hot coals were spread on her chest and nails dragged uselessly on the metal underneath her body for some sort of distraction.

Mother Miranda decided to get a tissue sample and that's when Nicole decided that maybe she would rather spend eternity as a ghost. She squeezed her eyes shut when a scalpel was brought to the overly sensitive skin. It took her back to when she would do autopsies, years ago. Tissue samples were always an integral part of her work. How ironic that she found herself on the other side of things.

It's fine.

She winced when the blade cut into flesh and sent a jolt of pain through her chest. Nicole couldn't help but think of the long days she spent agonizing while her chest felt like it was burning her alive and hoping that it wouldn't repeat. A sigh of pure relief slipped past her lips when whatever fake deity there was besides this woman, listened to her and the sensation died out quickly. She dared to open her eyes, only to see Mother Miranda frowning down at the small vial in hand.

It was quickly given to an assistant and she unceremoniously grabbed Nicole's wrist, dragging the blade across the length of her forearm.

Nicole gasped at the sudden sharp pain, and even Cassandra dropped a few choice words in romanian due to the surprise. No. No no no. What the hell-

Any questions, or less dignified reaction, died in everyone's throats as they watched the skin stitch itself back together. The repairing muscles gave a tingling sensation but soon the only proof that a cut had been there were thin trails of blood.

Mother Miranda chuckled and wrote down something in the notebook she brought with her. "Accelerated healing. That can be of use."

Nicole couldn't help but throw a glance at Alcina, who was sitting in one of the many chairs with Esteria by her side. Her expression was unreadable, a mix of conflicting emotions flashing in her eyes like rapid lightning. She would've tried to decipher their matriarch's probable thoughts were it not for the smell that was starting to assault her senses.

"Ugh what's that…blood… "

Coherent sentences were still not something her brain wanted to do apparently, but judging by how her nose scrunched up in a grimace, Cassandra got the gist of what she meant.

"Um… your arm," she pointed to the still fresh blood slowly dripping from her skin.

Right. Dumbass.

"Or damaged sinuses. Should go away soon," Miranda added from where she was noting something down and giving instructions to her assistant.

Also fair.

She sighed and tried to ignore it. Her sinuses still felt like sandpaper all the way to the back of her throat. Every time she swallowed, it felt like needles scraping the inside of her neck down to her stomach.

Ugh.

Thankfully, Mother Miranda did not linger for much longer. She wrapped up any samples and was out of the room soon after with her assistant in tow. Then, Nicole could finally go back to laying down in bed and feeling miserable.

And miserable she felt. Her body seemed to have decided to rewire itself into its new mutation. It didn't have any effect on her physical appearance, but the insides seemed to want to liquefy only to be mended back together. It was another week of basically living with a bucket in her lap and throwing up blood clots that seemed to invade her lungs and organs. How she didn't straight up asphyxiate was a mystery that she didn't think she wanted solved.

And to top it off, she was starting to think that humidity from some leaky pipe somewhere in the castle was causing a slight mold problem. Almost everywhere she went, there was this faint moldy scent lingering in the air and it was mixing horribly with the coppery feeling inside her still offended throat and sinuses. Nobody seemed bothered by it though, so maybe it was simply a side effect of the infection that was yet to go away. It wasn’t nicknamed the Mold for nothing, after all.

[sckyie]

song: streetcar by daniel caesar

word count: 2.6k

genre + warnings: angst to fluff; reminiscing in past heartbreak, breakdowns, timeskips, swearing, someone gets slapped

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: here's part 2 to driver's license,, i hope this was okay >~< i had to include a new song to the mix (its going into the playlist) soooo enjoy :) also my ratio for angst to fluff is TERRIBLE im sorry

Ever since you had confessed your feelings to your best friend, you had became so distant from everyone. Knowing you might've ruined one of the best friendships shook you. Lately you'd been driving around past curfew just to keep your mind off him. Passing all the street lights just felt like you were driving down memories. 

That flickering light at the corner where Oikawa had helped you after crashing your bike into a pole. Or that bright cool light by the park where you, Iwa, and Oikawa first started playing volleyball. Or that one littered with stickers where you told both the boys that they better remember you when they were famous. 

Apathy overcame your entire being. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, who knew heartbreak could have this effect on a person? It was hard going to school, avoiding Oikawa in every hall, dodging Iwaizumi on your way out, and even trying to ignore Kasumi was too much. It hurt like hell but you didn't want to know what Oikawa had to say. More so, you didn't want to hear what he was going to say, you knew what he'd tell you.

Two months until graduation.

It had been a over a month since that confession. The bright girl everyone used to know dulled out. No one knew why nor how it happened. It only stung between you and the boy you knew you could never love. Oikawa and Kasumi remained together despite the lingering thought of those words you said to him. 

"I- You- Ugh! Just go away, I don't want to see you!" The crack in your voice shook those hidden feelings within you.

"Why not!" Oikawa held onto your forearm, restricting you from running away.

"Because I fucking loved you idiot!" You screamed as hot tears rolled down your cheeks. Oikawa froze at your words, unable to process them.

"You...loved me?" He asked.

"I still fucking love you! God, I hate you- I just- Let go!" You shoved him away from you. "I'm leaving. If you try to stop me, I'm never speaking to you again."

Yet, you never spoke to him regardless. The sudden break between you two effected Iwaizumi as well. Although he had no part in the situation, he was torn who's side to take. He knew your secret but he couldn't betray both his best friends. Seeing you two spilt was like watching glass break. It's sudden, scattered, irreplaceable but if you tried to fix it, you could cut yourself or ruin the glass even more.

Oikawa took your last words as your goodbye. What was worse was that, he couldn't bring himself to find the right words to say to you. How could his best friend love him and never tell him? He never did end up telling Kasumi that he loved her. He began to question his feelings about her and well, you. 

One more month until graduation.

"Hey Y/n, are you going to the third year dance?" Hanamaki taps your shoulder as you doodle on your notes. You shook your head, knowing well enough how you'd have to see Oikawa and Kasumi together. "Come on, we're all going."

"No thanks," You smiled. A sudden ache in your chest hit you as you looked back at your notes. "I don't like dances."

"Liar," Matsukawa joins into the conversation. "What happened to you?"

"Hm?" You looked up, tilting your head at him.

"Just come along, we'll drive," He suggests. "You don't need a date. Just tag along with he boys and Kasumi."

"Again no thanks," You turned him down. "I'm not on good terms with Oikawa right now. I don't want to see him."

"Well, then let's all four go together then. Me, you, Mattsun, and Iwa," Makki says. "We lowkey miss having you around."

"Yeah, come on, we don't have to go with them," Matsukawa agreed.

"Promise we won't hang around them?" You ask solemnly. They nod at you, prompting you to let out a long sigh. "Fine. I don't have a dress, do you guys want to come with to find one?" 

Two weeks until graduation.

You stood in line with the three boys to get inside the ballroom for the dance. You carefully adjusted Matsukawa's corsage that matched your dress. Kasumi and Oikawa had came later, waiting farther back in line. He rests his hand on her waist as he examined the people in line when he spots you. This was the first time in forever since he could see you clearly. He had only caught glimpses of you through the halls, never seeing your face.

Was that the reason the guys didn't want to ride with him? For you? It hit a bit knowing they chose you over him but he knew how you haven't hung out with anyone lately. Always avoiding people, never trying to talk to anyone. 

Inside the ballroom, you and the boys sat together at your assigned table. The songs seemed redundant, leaving you four to occasionally get up to dance. It wasn't until a slow song that caught your attention. You had your head leaning against Iwaizumi's shoulder when you spotted Oikawa and Kasumi walking center stage.

"I'm gonna go outside for some fresh air," You say, standing up. You adjusted your dress before walking away to the outside patio. The muffled sound of the slow song was heard as you rested your arms on the railing. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on the sounds of the streets nearby. It was hard to drown out the feelings of Oikawa after seeing him with Kasumi. You feel the pain well up, trying your best to resist crying.

You open your eyes as you feel something being placed on your shoulders. "You'll get sick out here," Iwaizumi says, standing beside you. "You're thinking of him aren't you?"

"Can we not talk about him?" You breathed, tears slowly rolling down your face. "I just don't want to think about how bad I fucked up."

"Well," Iwaizumi looked down at the ground. "Will you dance with me?" You turned to see him holding out his hand for you. Taking his offer, Iwa holds you close as the music played. He let you cry in his arms, knowing well enough that you needed this. Having held all your pain behind driving, you couldn't show how much you were in pain. 

"Thank you Iwa," You sniffled into his chest. 

"I'm always here for you," He smiled. "You're like a little sister to me...It pains me to see you all dull and hurt...When Makki asked you to come out with us, I didn't expect you to agree but I'm glad you did." 

"Can I tell you something?" You panted for air through your tears.

Oikawa held Kasumi close, carefully swaying back and forth together. With her head resting on his chest, he was able to see through the patio window. He spots you and Iwaizumi dancing but for some reason it stung in his chest to see that. Why is he hurt? He's with Kasumi and he loves her, right?

Graduation day.

A group of cheers goes around the ceremony as your final day in high school is finally over. You greet your old classmates one more time, saving your close friends for last. For some reason, all the pain you previously carried had faded away. You approach the gate to meet with your friends for the last time before you go off your separate paths. Makki and Mattsun agreed to text you more to keep up with each other.

Iwaizumi had hugged you once last time, telling you to do your best. You smiled for the first time in a while. It was strange but Iwa was glad to see you starting to move on. You and him agreed to update each other on your mental healths and to hang out whenever you'd visit. Then it was the one you dreaded.

Saying goodbye to Oikawa, it'll be the last time you'll see him. You waited patiently for him as he was caught up by some fans and Kasumi. When he did manage to leave the underclassmen, he spotted you waiting. "Hey babe, can you go on ahead? I want to talk to Y/n," He says to his girlfriend. She nods happily, walking by you as she left. 

"Hey," He stops a few feet away from you, scared to step any closer.

"Hi," You said. "I have a few words for you." You let out a small chuckle, leading him to believe it was something good.

"Good or bad?" He laughed.

"Well," You started. "I just wanted to say goodbye for the last time...It was nice being your friend and I know how rough it turned out in the end...I'm sorry for not telling you before how I felt. I just thought I wasn't good enough for you and that you'd fall for someone else. Kasumi is a great girl and you two are amazing together...I really wish you guys the best...I know you'll do outstanding in volleyball like the king you are. You better not forget us when you're famous..Listen, I have to go before I'm late, so this is...it...Goodbye Tooru." You wiped a tear from your cheek, smiling at him. You quickly turned around, disappearing into the city. 

"Wait! Y/n!" He rushes after you, only to get lost in the crowd of third years saying their goodbyes. Oikawa felt tears well up in his eyes as he desperately looked around for you. "You didn't let me say..." He whispered to himself.

A week later, Oikawa and Iwaizumi join each other to lunch at your favorite restaurant. Iwa scrolls on his phone waiting for the food while Oikawa looked at the booth you two would always get. "Hey Iwa-chan?" He asks. "Do you know where Y/n decided to go after graduation?" Iwaizumi stopped scrolling to think back at the third year dance.

"Can I tell you something?" You panted for air through your tears.

"Anything," Iwa replied.

"I'm moving away from Miyagi immediately after graduation," You sniffled. "Remember when we were kids and we said we wanted to live in Tokyo or Kyoto?"

"Y-yeah," He was a little shaken up hearing that you'll be leaving so soon. 

"My uncle just moved to Kyoto and he offer me a room there...and I said yes," You started to trace circles on his back. "It's by that college I wanted to go to and they have good jobs there and-"

"You don't have to explain yourself. You'll do amazing out there," Iwa chuckled. "Just promise you'll visit sometime?" He knew how much you needed to be away from Miyagi. Although it pained him, he knew it was only for the best.

"No," Iwa lied. "I haven't seen her. She hasn't texted in a while.

Three months after graduation.

You got into a cab on your way to your new job at a café. You stared out the window, admiring the new city you live in. Learning to adjust and work around the city was tough. The feeling of calling Kyoto home was strange, knowing that it wasn't. 

Ever since you had said goodbye to Oikawa, things in his life changed. He believed losing you wasn't fair, not knowing where you'd gone always haunted him. He had broken up with Kasumi over the guilt held over his head. Always thinking about you when he was with her wasn't right. With you being gone, his only priority became volleyball. 

You however, had let go of those old feelings you held onto. That last goodbye satisfied you, letting you sleep at night and allowed you to love yourself more. You've grown so much from dull slump you were stuck in for weeks. Though living in a different environment made it feel like you weren't even there.

Oikawa roamed the streets slowly approaching different shops along the sidewalk. He had some free time before the practice match he had, so it wouldn't hurt to explore, right?

That's when it happened.

You closed the door to your cab, turning towards the café's direction. Your eyes lock onto a set of familiar pupils. Frozen in time, the two of you never exchanged a word yet, suddenly a rush of emotions filled you both.

Pain, anger, fear, regret, almost everything you felt in the past came back to you seeing him. Standing before you, the man you once loved. The man you might still love.

You snapped out of your thoughts, walking towards him, stopping a few feet away from him. "Y/n what-" You raised your hand, harshly impacting Oikawa's cheek. His hand flies up to his face, holding the spot you smacked.

"You seriously broke up with Kasumi for me?" You growled. "Y-you're an idiot y'know? She was good to you too! Also ignoring Iwa for volleyball? I told you not to-"

"You kept track of me?" He whispered, a slight smile creeping on his face.

"W-Well obviously! I ask Iwa about you from time to time," You muttered. You looked up to Oikawa and saw him grin down at you.

Before you could say anything else, Oikawa puts his two hands on the sides of your cheeks. He pulls your face close to his, crashing his lips against yours. You tense at the action, gripping his wrists. He doesn't pull away until you settle into the kiss.

Your hands melt away from his wrists and reach for his torso. Your lips moved together in sync, almost as if it were a familiar feeling. He pulls away from you, pressing his forehead against yours. "You never let me say my goodbye," Oikawa snickered. "You said goodbye to me then disappeared without a trace."

"Sorry," You blushed. His hands move to your waist, still holding you close to him.

"I wanted to tell you that..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I love you too. I'm sorry I'm so late in telling you and I'm sorry for being caught up with Kasumi. I didn't know what I was doing and I couldn't talk to you...I fucked up for not seeing how much you- well how much I loved you...I know this is all late and you probably don't want to hear any of this but-"

You tiptoed and kissed his nose, making him stop. "How'd you find out you loved me?" You looked at him curiously.

"I was driving down your street and all the old streets we'd walk through," He started. "It reminded me of you and then I saw that white streetcar. The one that is always parked by the laundromat? It made me realize how much you meant to me."

"Seriously? That old junk car?" You laughed.

"Hey, it reminded me of you okay, just seeing it whenever we hungout and passed it," Oikawa squeezed your hip, making you chuckle at him. "Will you ever forgive me?"

Your laughter ceases as you look up at him. "I had to learn how to drive on the highway on my own, jerk," You brought up.

"Is that a yes?" He smirked.

"...No...Maybe," You squinted your eyes at him. "You owe me ramen."

"Wait how'd you know how I've been these last few months?" Oikawa pulls away from your hold.

"Oh Iwa was the first to know I was moving, I asked him to check on you every now and then. I just wanted to make sure your pretty face doesn't do anything stupid. You did by the way, you did some stupid shit," You grinned. "Hey are you hungry? I can get you something from the café for free." You turned away from him, heading to your job.

"Hey you can't just insult me then leave, come here," He runs after you stopping you a few steps away from work. Oikawa plants a rough kiss on your lips before looking down at you. "The only stupid thing I did was not tell you I loved you sooner."

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @d0llpie @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

[agirlneedsgoals]

This got long. Boo.

I can hear my mom on the phone with my uncle encouraging him and my aunt to move here. Please no. I love them, but please no. The latent racism and homophobia are rampant and since I can't respond to it (mom asked me to keep the peace and this is her house) I find myself dissociating. Plus, mom drinks like 5 x as much when they're around because they're lowkey alcoholics but don't realize it.

I'm writing. I can't believe it. I have 10k words of fanfic that nobody's gonna read or care about. BUT I'M WRITING. Like, I almost don't care about that because TEN THOUSAND WORDS. I'm disappointed it's not my own stuff, but who cares? I'M WRITING. 😊

I'm supposed to go to dinner with mom and her friend Linda tonight. I bail a lot and I feel very bad about it. I worry Linda will think it's her because she hangs out with mom the most but I bail a lot whenever I'm invited out because I don't feel good or--like today--I didn't get to sleep until 6 am and I feel like death inside.

Oh, God, why is my mother talking about Tinder with my uncle???

Oh, good, I'm hearing internalized misogyny. My favorite.

I'm trying really cheap drugstore makeup lately. I haven't used drugstore foundation in...years and years. But I can't afford anything high-end anymore. In fact, I can't afford the drugstore stuff, either, but I'm shameless and don't mind asking for handouts. The MISSHA M Perfect Cover BB Cream is still my go-to for full makeup but I want something I can just slap on before I leave the house so I don't look so...me. I tried the L'Oreal Paradise Water-Infused Tinted Moisturizer. It is. Not a moisturizer. At all. It went on dry, went patchy, I got it too light for my skin. Ugh. Maybe someone with an actual skincare routine can use it better so I'm giving it to @clockwrkheart to see if she likes it but I'm disappointed. So now I got the L'Oreal Paris Makeup Magic Skin Beautifier Anti-Redness BB Cream. Goddamn, what a name. And BB Cream is redundant. Beauty balm cream. ANYWAY. I hope it's better than their other stuff.

I have to pause here and say, I am suffering through my mom gushing about Jack Reacher... I mean, valid. But also awkward. I'm still bitter about Hawk. I get the actor leaving but did they have to do him like that???

I want to go back to having a skincare routine. Clearly, I do not have the executive function to do my 17 - 21 step Korean-based skincare. But if I could just get into a routine where I have a wash, a mask, a serum, and a moisturizer, I'd be happy. Unfortunately, most of my stuff is still scattered through boxes. Because I fail as a human.

I have some concealers coming: COVERGIRL TruBlend Undercover Concealer in two colors for contour and highlight. I haven't used COVERGIRL anything in like over a decade. Their lipsticks oxidize on me and turn pinky.

Fuck, I have to cut this, don't I. I've hit the babble portion of exhaustion. Just be glad you're not here in person. Ask my friends, it's like a compulsion, I just...talk.

I need to do stuff. Like anything. I'm frozen and stuck sleeping when I can because I can't usually sleep. I went down to the Valley what, two weeks ago? A week ago? Idk, time is weird. But it took me like 3 - 4 days to recover. Weak. Frustrating. All my craft room stuff has just been...shoved into my craft room. Why do my extra rooms always end up looking like there was a hurricane in a storage room?

Maybe I can suss out my makeup. I had it all nice in the giant pink rollie train case but then I found more makeup. So we bought a giant black rollie train case but it's just thrown in there haphazardly. Also, I shoved my hair dryers and stuff in the bottom and I have to undo all 3 layers separately to get to the fourth because I can't lift all 3 layers together and maybe this wasn't such a good idea for my makeup storage. Idk. I wanted something portable. And it is! But it's not flight-portable. One knock from the pusher and they'd pop open.

Oh. I might be writing so much because the babble achievement has been unlocked, I just realized. Huh. Doesn't explain the fanfic over original stuff, though.

I swear I actually had something to say but I can't remember it. I'm just kind of letting my mind wander right now because I don't have the energy for any kind of mental structure. So many words, so little meaning.

I'm reading a very good medieval au right now. I love it. I want to squish it. I hope Bucket is endgame but it might be Steeb, idk. The author is not known for happy endings.

I'm also reading a mob au on my phone which is also very good but I've been dragging my feet because I suspect someone gets shot or something in the next few paragraphs and I don't wanna.

I also downloaded a bunch of new books to read. Half of them are YA fiction but whatever. Maybe it'll inspire me. I'll take writing teen romance if selling through Amazon would pay me enough to make my credit card bills.

DOES ANYBODY FEEL LIKE BETA'ING A FIC? I'd go over details with you privately. I'd need grammar/spelling and just general check-over plus opinion on plot and pacing. Obviously, nobody's gonna see this here so I might make a post asking someday.

Jeez, this post is like looking at a wall of text. I'mma take a nap.

[kaylor]

ok here are my thoughts on reputation that nobody asked for (hi maddy!!!!). rep album is thematically ... redundant. it starts SPECTACULAR (in the early days of easter eggs... reclaiming the snake narrative and going media silent was GREAT!!! GENIUS EVEN!!)... but then you HEAR the album and you're like...oof. the music is so clunky. the production is like a computer analysing algorithms and trying to invent 21st century pop music. there are some beautiful lyrics, and nice!! nice songs. but there is NOTHING great in it. nothing. nada. new year's day is the song that saves it honestly but everything else was not good. not even close to what she achieved with red and 1989. (lover was better than rep but thats a WHOLE different story). anyway maddy - the rep songs. other than call it what you want/delicate...nothing fit the themes she was going for? everything was so surface level? where was the in-depth examination of her downfall? LWYMMD WAS SO??? i get it but that was a cop out!!!! only the last min of that video where she plays all the characters is interesting! that moment is where the GENIUS IS!! but everything else was so bland. so so mediocre (at least when compared to the standard set by 1989/red). ugh. great tour though, a good time. terrible songs, hollow themes, an album with no beating heart. makes me UPSET.

(not to mention that god awful cover... the ugliest album cover. i hate even looking at it. but i get why she went that route?? it just felt so literal like the newspaper font and the black and white... it was all so mediocre :( .. i didn't want it to be, but it was. taylors WORST album trust and believe)

hope u r having a GREAT DAY MADDY!!!!

you're literally so right for this!!!! i do like lwymmd and i enjoy how she doesn't /actually/ tell us what she "did" like i think that's fun, i just wish she'd used that same playfulness throughout the rest of the album (getaway car and tiwwchnt also have this tongue in cheek campness) but the bulk of rep takes itself sooooo seriously without actually saying anything interesting. you're so right about the production it's so uninspired and bland and it adds so little to songs that would have benefited from sounding more cinematic. like it just sounds like it needs to be played in a stadium which is why rep tour was so good, it was all spectacle no substance. and i even have issue with rep tour for not being as interesting as (i think) it should have been. she took this amazing concept and executed it in such a tepid manner because she just wasn't ready to actually address her reputation and her "downfall" and just wanted to write love songs actually. on the whole the songs fall flat and are lyrically a little embarrassing sometimes. i can't believe she expected a grammy for it. delicate is fucking boring 💋

[spike-and-faye]

Just found this blog and I'm in LOVE, please give me headcanons on Spike and Faye and their romantic dynamic in the show or what u like abt them most, literally anything I need the Food please bestow upon me your wisdom!! And also I'm so glad to see I wasn't the only one attracted to Vincent sdlfkjsdfk you have such good taste. Have a marvelous day and thank u for this entire blog!! :]

OK UM QUEEN YOU MADE ME CRY. THANK YOU OH GOD.

HEAD CANON TIME SLUTS!!!

Fortunately/Unfortunately for you at some point around 14 years old I emptied my mind of everything but Bebop. Bebop, and breathing.

Photo take circa 2010, inside of Madi’s brain. Colorized.

[Will have spoilers] So some basic headcanons are gonna be really redundant if you’ve read any tags or answers on my shit hole blog but here we gooo:

1. Spike and Faye love the fuck out of each other. No I will not be taking questions.

2. Spike lost a lot of enthusiasm for Julia around the end of episode 13, Jupiter Jazz. At the end of the show, he didn’t go off to save Julia or run away with her. In fact, you’ll notice he’s not particularly happy to see her (ok granted, he’s shite at expressing emotions) and he doesn’t insist on getting the hell out of Dodge together before shit hits the fan. Rather, he’s there to end Vicious and the Red Dragons because Spike knows as long as Vicious is around he will hunt Spike, and he’s not beyond using Jet, Faye, and Ed to that end. Which leads to my next one ...

3. OKAY HERE’S A CONTROVERSIAL ONE - He “died” for FAYE and Jet and Ed and it’s definitely self gratifying SpikexFaye Bullshit ~ in Real Folk Blues when Spike (for the first time probably) gives Jet a look inside his fEeLiNgS we get the story about the Tiger Striped cat and this whole gem:

WHERE, PRAY, IS THE HEAD CANON YOU ASK???? HE IS TALKING ABOUT FAYE MOTHERFUCKERS. It’s about manic pixie dream girl amnesic asian sexy grandma gun play herself. Faye Fucking Valentine. Lady Luck, Poker Alice, Romani. He talks about how he finally met someone who really made him feel alive. (Also he saw that video of her as a child and I think it really touched him. He only sees that bright eyed hopeful child when he sees her now).

But I mean - “someone who was truly alive”???? Literally our exposure to Julia she’s pretty bland. (Dangerously Ordinary). Spike liked her because she was kind to him in a cruel world. But I think when he met Faye he REALLY met someone with vim and vigor and “a woman with an attitude”. THAT is why he’s going there to die. To protect her. (and to protect the little girl on the Betamax)

OH? And immediately after he finished his speech, he says, “She’s back.” and we as the audience and even Jet (it seems) think he ‘wait what Julia is back? okay yeah we know that.’ but then IMMEDIATELY Faye walks in. The SHE is fucking FAYE.

Oh but I ain’t done w this one, baby.

In Ep 15 - My Funny Valentine, Spike meets Faye outsidde at the jail at the end after she collects the bounty of Matsumoto. The following ensues:

FAYE: “Look who’s here. You must really want me back.”

SPIKE: “Yeah. Nice Try.”

FAYE: “You were jealous.”

SPIKE: "In your dreams.”

FAYE: “I'm still in the dark. I may never know anything about my past.”

SPIKE: “Doesn’t really matter, does it?”

FAYE: "Easy for you to say. At least you have a past.”

SPIKE: "And you have a future. That’s what counts.”

OK  there is a lot to unpack here~

- They’re shamelessly flirting. Like the sexual tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. See Heacanon # 1 for further information.

- Spike SUDDENLY doesn’t care about the “Past” anymore? (Note this is two episodes post Jupiter Jazz). Hmm ... like ... idk man seems like you don’t care so much about Julia anymore ...

- He knows Faye has a future; i.e. he can’t take that from her (or Jet or Ed) and therefore he has to end Vicious.

WHEW OK NEXT ONE

4. Spike’s PaAaAsT

My head canon on this is he grew up an orphan in and out of  the foster care system on Mars (we know he was born there) in the streets of the city of Tharsis. From what we know, Spike is about 27 in the show. In Episode 1 - Asteroid Blues, he mentions he’s has the Swordfish II for ten years, meaning he got it when he was 17. Where did he get it though? Especially at 17? Doohan, of course. So at some point as a teenager he went to Earth and was taken in by Doohan as an apprentice, not unlike Miles. My seriously specific headcanon here is that Doohan probably met him in Tharsis hot wiring a car or some shit and also noticed he was a hoodlum bound for trouble. He took him in to give Spike the chance to make something of his life. I think he spent years 14-19 or so of his life there.

After leaving life on Earth he meets Vicious/Lin/Shin/Mao/Annie and, given his moral apathy and hardened street fighting skills, joins the Red Dragons as a hit man and quickly ascends through the ranks. *This conflicts with a less thought out headcanon I have that Annie played a motherly role in his life as a late adolescent*.

I’m not the first to propose this one either, but I’m thinking his affair with Julia began around the time Vicious was in the war on Titan.

5. Vicious is a Toxic Bisexual.

There’s a big chance I’m projecting my actual personality onto this man. I also have zero textual evidence for this one. My head canon here is that Vicious is very gay for Spike but is also fed a diet of Street Tough Toxic Masculinity and can’t express it, and also knows Spike doesn’t feel the same. Yep, he’s sexually frustrated over Spike. Oh god I am definitely projecting.

I think Spike’s betrayal in him sleeping with Julia is such a double edged sword - Spike took his woman AND Spike clearly wants the puss puss not the D.

Sub canon A: Vicious was also attracted to Gren and he felt really weird about it and that’s why he oscillated between being an outrageous asshole to him and also sorta nice

Sub canon B: Entirely unrelated but on the subject of bisexuality ~ Faye definitely was a little turned on by Julia. Listen to how Faye describes her to Jet I mean COME ON.

ANYWAY

I also have many many more that I’ll post or have posted but my fingers are tired of typing and this is already really long. PLEASE let me know what you think of any of these and please message me any you have!!!!!! I seriously eat, sleep, and breath this show. I am in the process of writing a manifesto on it (I wish I was kidding).

[alexiaugustin]

Out of all the crap in s6 that was either completely unnecessary or redundant because it was never resolved properly, or wasn't specifically needed to further the plot, what bits would you remove? I'm thinking definitely the SA. I see absolutely no valid reason why they included it. The whole otteli thing was a non-event too. It disappeared after 5 minutes and there is a more logical way they could have written eliott meeting la mif

Ohhh interesting question!!! I would take out a lot lmao so i hope that i will remember the most important stuff now

tw// mentions of sexual assault, suicide and domestic abuse

definitely the sa. like it was just there because the writers were too lazy to actually develop eliott's and lola's friendship so they were just like yada yada lola gets sexually assaulted yada yada eliott for the rescue yada yada okay good morning, next storyline!!!!! hate this with a burning passion, absolutely everything is so damn wrong with this. who allowed this to be written and filmed???? who😳😒

the entire ep9 and especially lola wanting to commit suicide. misery porn is not realism, it doesn't give people who are struggling with the same things lola does hope. skam was supposed to show teenagers that yes, shitty things can happen in life but also yes, there's hope, there's a way to get better, you're not gonna be stuck in those dark times forever and you're never alone either. skam france completely missed that point and just went: suffering!!!! misery!!!!! drama!!!! loneliness!!!! break ups!!!! s6❤ don't even get me started on the way they did the whole suicide storyline, leaving us in the dark for hours about what lola was doing, where she was, what she was going through and wanted to do to, doing pov shifts to "build up suspense" that shit was so damn triggering can skamfr seriously stop doing stuff like that in the name of skam???? just go and call yourself a 13rw remake or some shit because again: this is not what skam stands for.

having eliott being emotionally abused, manipulated and triggered into an episode and then never even actually representing anything with that and at least showing us how eliott was dealing with all of that, how he was feeling and getting better. skam france really said: yes we just triggered eliott again, no we can't do pov shifts, we can only do pov shifts when we want to shock traumatize him with the death of an animal with no follow up on that either❤ they really thought that they did something with that storyline. they didn't.

the entire existence of char?????? why was she here???? why was maya dating her for one week neccesary???? my god the only thing they did with that was destroying maya as a character and it was the point where mayla was going downhill and became the most average couple with absolutely no depth on this show. congrats because they were actually doing something so good and unique with them until then. haven't been able to really root for mayla ever since, i just crave w|w rep so the last supermarket clip of them still made me emo but...🤷🏻‍♀️ don't really care abt them that much and we all deserved better w|w rep with actual depth

thierry slapping lola. again why the hell was that necessary??? they could have just have them argue and yes thierry could have said the awful things about lola being a little bumb on the road in the heat of a moment but he was shown to be quiet violent with her because he not only angrily grappled her wrists in ep3 but also angrily told her to shut up and slapped her in ep8. and once again skamfr just brushed it off and made it seem like that it was no huge deal. next thing we knew was lola calling him papa and everything was vanilla again what.the.hell😑

i actually liked the whole concept of la mif loving urbex and eliott being an urbex legend i just think that the execution of this plot was so damn bad yk. so i wouldn't replace that but actually rewrite and develop that plot. in my version max and eliott are uni friends and that's how eliott and la mif are connected and either eliott and lola get to know eachother because they go to the same therapist and eliott introduces lola to la mif or it's like canon and eliott and lola meet at the end of ep2 at that urbex party because maya invites her but we get some actual lola/eliott content and they start bonding and then through the season we get at least one or two more clips of them doing urbex all together and one urbex party (i actually have a headcon for my eliott/lola storyline version including an urbex party but that would take up too much space now so yeah)

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.19: “Jack in the Box”

THEN: Eh, you know all this. Oh, wait, here's something interesting - a reminder that Naomi was overcome by the Empty slime. Which reminds me of my theory that Naomi and/or Duma might actually be the Empty Entity. Hmmm. Oh, and also, all the Jack stuff.

NOW: There's a bunch of hunters in the bunker, drining beer and looking at pictures of Mary and her stuff on the map table. Including the picture Sam burned. Well, I'm glad it wasn't the only copy. And whatever these rings and calipers are that are always on the map table, apparently they're permanent, because they weren't removed for this little memorial display. Also, John's journal is part of the display, and I know they gave it to Mary to read, but still, it's John's. This bothers me.

So, are these surviving AU hunters? If not, that means the Winchesters have opened the bunker up to every hunter they know (and revealed its location to everyone they know), which is... not what I would have done. TFW makes an entrance (why were they not in there with their guests) and Dean thanks them for coming and makes a little speech but I'm finding it real hard to concentrate on Dean right now because LOOK AT SAM'S SHIRT. LOOK AT IT. It's CLOSE-FITTING and it's NOT PLAID and whatever awful things this episode does (and my completely unspoiled prediction is that IT WILL DO AWFUL THINGS), we at least got this.

I strongly suspect this is actually Jared's shirt.

Dean informs the gathered that they missed the pyre, sorry. And he mentions that some of them fought Michael with her in the other world so they ARE AU hunters! Or at least some of them! Well, that's good to know. Sam doesn't have to feel personally responsible for killing everyone who came over, just a handful. Including the only one who had a name, and probably that guy who called him Chief (sob), but some of them remain. Anyway. Dean gives his eulogy (and Sam's not the only worth a second look in this scene, because Dean looks pretty amazing as well) and they drink beer and then an AXE FLIES IN OUT OF NOWHERE, SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY SPIRALING INTO A HUNTER'S HEAD. People seem surprised, but it's the mild kind of surprise you'd get if he threw his beer at somebody, not if an axe suddenly appeared embedded in his head. The thrower of the axe walks in - it's New Bobby. WELL.

Title card! Bobby informs me that it was a hatchet, not an axe, and he wants it back. (Sidebar: It literally never occurred to me to think about the difference between a hatchet and an axe until earlier this week when I was listening to a murder podcast that specified someone was killed with one, not the other.) He also tell us that the "hunter" was actually a wraith "from a nest your mom and I busted up" and SEE, GUYS? This is why you don't invite people to the bunker. Now a bunch of wraiths probably know where it is. And we know the warding is a joke. Cas thinks Mary would have appreciated a monster at her memorial. I don't think Cas knows Mary very well but whatever.

Bobby asks Sam how he and "the other one" are doing, and we watch Dean pack up Mary's belongings (including John's journal? that's going away?) and Sam says he "seems to be doing okay" which is, of course, how they operate. No one asks how Bobby's doing, even though he had a relationship with Mary too (and over the course of her life probably spent as much time with her as Sam did, when you come right down to it), but Bobby says he's not into public displays of grief anyway, and Dean is probably the same (which is true, except for when it's very very not true).

Sam suggests they drink the scotch Ketch left (and I wonder if this means Ketch came for the memorial, and left some scotch, or if he's referring to a bottle from a previous season that somehow remained through all those events that really would have called for some serious scotch-drinking) and talk about Mom. Dean points out that they have been talking about Mom and stalks out and leaves Sam sad.

Sam and Bobby and Cas settle for beer instead, and Dean walks in just as Bobby asks "what exactly happened to her, cause I'm hearing, the kid." Oh, that's interesting that they wouldn't have given him the whole story. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it makes sense that they'd keep things vague, tell everyone she "died on a hunt." Dean needs a drink, but not in the bunker. Sam tells him they need to talk about Jack, and he says "we will" and quickly makes his escape. Bobby and Cas have this funny exchange.

I liked the kid. We fought together. But there's only way this ends.

Bobby's right. We have to find Jack and help him.

What?

Hee! Cas feels Jack might not realize what he did was wrong, and Bobby astutely points out that if he didn't realize it was wrong, that's kind of a big problem, because if Kelly's influence has been burned away, that means Lucifer is all that's left. Bobby means to hunt him down. "An unstoppable monster who don't know right from wrong gets put down." Um, Bobby, let's consider the unstoppable part of that declaration. (Also, should someone point out to Bobby that Jack accidentally killed someone even back when he did have a soul? Probably not.)

Cut to Jack, who is still? again? at an abandoned warehouse or factory or something. He's remembering what he did, and wishing his mother was there to tell him what to do. Oh, she's not here, but Hallucidad is. He tells Jack that the Winchesters don't care about him, he was just a pet and a weapon, and again, it hurts knowing that this is Jack's subconscious saying these things. Jack thinks he can explain and apologize, and if that's so, Jack, then why didn't you do that when they caught you raising Mary's not-corpse? No, says Hallucifer, they hate you.

Cut to Dean, sitting outside somewhere in the dark, crying.

This is not okay. I mean, it is, but it's not.

Heaven. (yawn.) Cas again tells Duma that he wants to see Naomi, and again she denies him. It turns out Naomi is in "a very small cell" because Heaven was invaded under her watch. I didn't think they had enough spare angels around to lock one up just because they don't think she's a good leader. She might be a great follower. (Yeah, probably not.) Cas tells her he needs help looking for Jack, who has burned through his soul and is no longer being protected by the Winchesters. Hmmm, she says, this is very useful information to have. Internally. Out loud, she tells Cas she'll see what she can do, which he of course takes as an offer to help. Oh, Cas.

Bunker. Sam's working at his computer when Dean comes back. Sam's wearing a different shirt. I don't know if that means it's the next day, or just that he changed out of his nice funeral shirt. He asks Dean how he's doing, but Dean ignores that and asks what Sam's doing.

Trying to find Jack. We've gotta find him before Bobby and his crew, because if they find him first -

He's gonna kill them all.

... I don't know.

Oh, Sam, you DO know. You are obviously concerned about Bobby et al killing Jack, not the other way around. And it breaks my heart. Sam also wants to talk about Mary and the fact that they don't have to rely on faith to know Mary's in Heaven, because they personally know Heaven and angels are real. Dicks, but real. He says Mary's in a great place, with John, because again we're forgetting or denying what we know about Heaven. Dean, the eternal ray of sunshine, points out that there wasn't enough of Mary left to bring back to life even if they wanted to.

Back to Jack, who has a surprise visitor. It's Duma! Oh, cool, she's helping Cas find him, just like she said she would! Ha ha ha nope. (Sidebar: How did Duma find him, and why doesn't Cas have the same ability? Discuss.) He remembers her from his trip to Heaven that one time he died. She tells him Mary's death wasn't his fault, and he deserves redemption after his mistake, because he has "a glorious destiny." She tells him Heaven has fallen apart since God left, and no one gives them the respect they deserve, but Jack, YOU can save Heaven and make the world better and wouldn't that make Sam and Dean happy? Their first stop on the Make The World Better Tour is to turn a famous God denier into a pillar of salt. Oh, irony. (Also, he's safe from ghosts now, so. Bonus?)

Bunker. Cas is telling the Winchesters that Heaven promised to "make every effort" to find Jack. Which 1) isn't exactly what we saw happening, unless you're naive enough to think "I'll see what I can do" means "I'll make every effort", and b) even if that is what Duma said, as Dean points out, "Oh, Heaven promised? Great, well we should take that to the bank." But Cas thinks Heaven has as much reason to want to find Jack as they do. Which is true. But doesn't mean they're going to turn him over to you, Cassie.

Coincidentally, Sam has just read about Professor Pillar of Salt. "Why does that sound familiar?" Dean asks. You know, I don't know the Bible very well. If a particular event didn't show up in "Jesus Christ Superstar" or "The Ten Commandments," I'm not likely to be familiar with it. And yet I know about Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt. And I've never been to Heaven or met an angel. So.

Cas explains the story and says no ordinary angel could turn a human into salt. Sam reads another story about a dishonest televangelist (yeah, I know, that's redundant) who had a crevice open in the ground under her and swallow her up, and again Dean's not familiar with the story, but this time I'm not either. But Cas knows it's from the book of Numbers. Allegedly, only Jack or Chuck himself could perform these acts.

Heaven. Duma tells Jack he's doing excellent work, and he can help bring Heaven back to its previous glory.

Sam and Dean will like that?

Words can't begin to express how Sam and Dean will feel.

Hee!

So let's talk about what's going on here. I appreciate that they're framing this as Jack trying to get back into Sam and Dean's good graces. In fact, I'm a little hopeful at this point. If Jack-who-is-being-used-by-Heaven is the Big Bad, doesn't that mean stopping the Big Bad could just mean they rescue him from Duma's manipulation? Maybe? (Yeah, I know. But a girl can dream.)

Anyway. Duma's next task for Jack is to create more angels. She tells him he can't make them out of thin air, but if a human is "predisposed" to it, he might be able to forge them into an angel. Oooooh, this opens up some chilling possibilities about who could be turned into an angel. But it turns out he's not going after anybody named Winchester. He's just sitting on the throne "where your grandfather received prayers" (and where your father sat) and listening to prayers. (Sidebar: Why hasn't Sam tried to communicate with Jack by praying to him? Discuss.)

For whatever reason, he hones in on one particular group of worshippers who are about to discuss the book of Samuel (hee!) with Pastor Ames. Jack zaps into the room, asks if they meant it when they said they wanted to go to Heaven, and shows them his wings. Sold! Pastor Ames missing that demonstration, so when he comes in and calls Jack a liar, Jack hits him with another Biblical curse: "he was eaten by worms and breathed his last." Pastor Ames falls to the ground with worms popping out of him everywhere, and Jack and his future angels disappear.

Hospital. Guys, look at the suits! Have they ever worn such narrow pants? What is going on here? Someone new in the wardrobe department?

Mama like.

Agents Kilmister, Clark, and Taylor (hee) are visiting bandaged-up Pastor Ames, who identifies a photo of Jack. They leave, and Cas recites the relevant verse and Sam says, surprised, "so you think this is another Bible thing?" AS IF THAT WASN'T WHY THEY'RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, and as they leave, we see that Pastor Ames is not over his worm infestation after all.

Back at the bunker, Dean tells Sam that he didn't want it to come to this, but they have no choice. Come to what? What's behind the door in room 5B? It's the thing we all knew was coming - the box! (And if you didn't see it coming, the title of this episode clearly gave it away, which is why I consider titles of unaired episodes to be spoilers.) Sam, who is clearly not behind this plan in any way shape or form, points out that they don't have the ability to force Jack into the box, and he won't go in there of his own free will.

But he might. He might if he only has to stay in there long enough for us to finish the spell to fix his soul.

Spell? What spell? There is no spell.

*We* know that.

Oh, no, this is not good, and Sam already hates it.

... So, you want to lie to him.

No, I mean, I *want* Zeppelin to get back together. But what I *need*, what *we* need, is to stop Jack. Big difference. But here's the deal; we both gotta sign off on it. This might be our only shot, and if he even catches a whiff that this is a scam, he's off into the wind.

Exactly. Now, how do you think he's not gonna know something's up?

Because you're gonna be so damn sincere -

Me? Why me?

Because you've always been in his corner. You're his go-to guy. Sam, if you reach out, he'll come. If I do it, after what happened to Mom, I could lose him. I *will* lose him.

Oh no, no, no, Sam is SO not on board with this plan. Because the worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work, and the second worst thing is that it does work. Dean is so calmly insistent, and Sam is so unhappy, and his FACE when Dean tells him HE will be sincere is just killing me, and no matter what I think about this episode or or this entire story arc, I love what the guys are doing with this scene.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding a silver lining here.

Sam sits down at the library table and begins praying to Jack, which doesn't answer my question of why they haven't already tried communicating with him that way. In fact, it makes me ask it harder. He tells him that they're family, and bad things happen in families but they want to get through it, they want to be like they were before. Jack hears Sam's prayer as he assembles his future angels. Meanwhile, Cas has barged his way into Heaven to rescue Jack, having figured out that Heaven has no mercy and angels do bad things, and Cas? How is this POSSIBLY news to you? Duma threatens to end Mary and John's happy little afterlife together (Is this confirmation that they really are sharing a Heaven, even though his name isn't on the door? Maybe. Do I accept it? Not necessarily) so Cas stabs her. Well. We're down to, what, ten angels now? He calls for Jack, but Jack's already gone, having just appeared in the bunker.

Jack tells Sam and Dean he's been working with Heaven, and "if it helps, I regret it... the accident."

Again, the guys do a beautiful job with this scene. Even if it's an awful, awful scene, they're acting the hell out of it. Sam is as anxious as he was when he was trapped in a cell with Jack the day he was born, the way his hands twitch when he gets up from the table and circles behind Dean, and then carefully places himself between Dean and Jack, and how he physically reacts when Jack steps closer, and they're both keeping their distance and moving so carefully, and then there's the way Dean is practically unblinking and is very obviously working SO HARD not to spontaneously combust, staying practically motionless and keeping his voice even, although anyone could tell he's absolutely BOILING under the surface from the look on his face and his tone of voice every time he says the accident. All of this is amazing.

But yeah, it is also an awful scene. Because Jack isn't guilty or apologetic at all. He's actually kind of smug about working with Heaven and making angels, and very condescending about regretting "the accident," and I just don't think he would be there. I think he would tell them how sorry he was, and that he tried to fix it, and basically everything he said to Hallucifer. He wouldn't say "I knew you'd understand" when they tell him they forgive him. His blind self-assurance would make sense if it came at the end of a 2- or 3-episode arc, where Duma had spent more than a day telling him how awesome he was. So while I love Sam and Dean in this scene, love them to pieces, Jack is just... ugh. Beyond OOC. Moving on. Dean tells Jack they're working on a way to fix his soul, and they want to keep him safe (from having another ACCIDENT) in the meanwhile. Sam oh-so-tentatively puts a hand on Jack's shoulder and dear GOD he is so afraid and I LOVE IT.

Again, quite a silver lining to this dark little raincloud.

They take him to the room with the magic box, which Dean claims is "actually pretty comfortable." Dean stays still and Sam fidgets and Jack says "okay" and climbs into the box. "How long before I can come out?" he asks. Sam is more and more fidgety as he says "not too long," and Dean is like stretched rubber band about to snap as he holds himself back from slamming the lid down. "Jack, we got this," Sam lies. "Okay," Jack says again, and he lies down and they didn't even put a pillow in the damn box, why does he think this is okay, why does he think they're working in his best interest if they didn't even give him a damn pillow? Dean shuts the lid and rushes to close the locks and Sam hates this, hates it so much.

Shhh. Don't even listen. Just turn the sound down and enjoy the pretty, pretty angst.

Alone in the box, Jack calls to the Winchesters, but they're already shutting the door to room 5B. They move to the kitchen to finish off Ketch's scotch and talk about the future.

So what do we do now? Just go on, with Jack locked up in there forever?

We have to.

I don't know if I can do that.

Dean ignores Sam's shaky voice and decides to talk about the scotch and sure, we all recognize this is Dean's way of coping. Pretend it's not happening, pretend it doesn't bother him. Because I have to think that, no matter how much he wants revenge against Jack, he understands that being locked in that box forever is still a horrible fate. (A fate Dean was willing to accept, but still.) Sam, meanwhile, needs to talk, just like he needed to talk about Mary.

You know, I never thought it would end like this, with Jack.

Sammy, we knew from the beginning it was a long shot with him.

Yeah. Yeah. But, long shots are kind of our thing.

So let's talk about Sam's guilt. His beautiful, beautiful guilt. Not only over tricking someone he loves into being locked up in a box forever, but for bringing Jack into their lives in the first place. And yet. Jack has always been unstoppable, hasn't he? So if Sam hadn't opened his humongous heart and taken him in, he would have been out there alone. No one teaching him how to use and control his powers, no one keeping him away from Lucifer. He would have been an unstoppable enemy instead of an unpredictable ally. Sam did the right thing, even though it ended bad. Because it was always going to end bad.

Have I mentioned that I could watch an entire episode that was just Dean drinking?

Back in room 5B, Jack's starting to panic, and still calling for Sam and Dean. They don't show up, but Hallucifer does (oh god, I want to see Sam find out he basically locked Jack in that box with Lucifer) and informs Jack he's been played.

In the kitchen, Cas arrives with the news that Duma has been manipulating Jack, and they really need to find him. The guys are all, oh, whoops, forgot to call you, he's here, locked in the box.

Jack gets glowy eyes and tries to break out of the box, but nothing happens.

Cas is horrified that the guys still plan to keep Jack in the box, even knowing his latest acts were due to being manipulated. Sam says "That's the problem. If he's that easily manipulated, he's too dangerous to be out of the box." Oh, no he doesn't. Instead, Dean says "He agreed to it." Yes, in much the same way Sam agreed to be Gadreel's vessel. You keep telling yourself that, Dean. In fact, Dean is trying to claim that deep down, Jack knows it's best. Oh, no, no you don't. Cas points out that Dean manipulated Jack as much as Duma did.

(Sidebar: I'm convinced that Sam would be able to forgive Jack. Because of his endless capacity for forgiveness, and because he sees himself as being in Jack's shoes at a different point in his life. Dean, on the other hand, would not. Because Dean is a normal human being when it comes to forgiveness, and because Dean puts loyalty to family above everything else.)

Box. Jack tries harder. Lucifer laughs. The box glows.

Kitchen. The arguing is interrupted by an earth-shattering kaboom. Things fall off shelves. The red emergency lights and klaxon come on. TFW leaps up and runs to room 5B. The room is a smoke-filled wreck and a figure with glowing gold eyes is walking out of the red-tinged smoke. "Jack," Sam gasps.

Duh duh duuuuuhhhh! Next week, Cas makes Dean write I knew a nephilim was more powerful than its angel parent but I assumed the box would be stronger than Jack anyway 100 times on the blackboard.

Okay, the bad happened, as we all figured it would. But let's talk about the good. Jack's not locked in the box forever. That's a relief - it would have been a very unsatisfactory conclusion. And the guys looked extraordinary. And there was so much emotion, both the tightly-controlled type, and the worn-on-his-sleeve type, and I love them both. Honestly, considering what happened in this one, and who wrote it, it was a lot better than I expected. A lot better than it could have been. (Will I go read your reactions now and see that every single one of you disagrees with me? Quite possibly.)

Next week is the next-to-last "Carry On Wayward Son."

Please help me stay unspoiled, thanks!