#honestly i could ramble a lot about this but i'll stop myself... i guess... but like plot with me some day <3 asdfg

[tvrningout]

alrighty, so we've now got muse lists based on genre/fandom!! so dorverold muses, slice of life muses, and kny muses! chiyo will still be the main muse of the blog, but i think this set-up will be a little easier to navigate based on interest. at this point, i'm just not going to offer anyone whose muse is near non-existent ( even as a " test muse " ), so you can safely request anyone and everyone i've currently listed <3 i'll edit the pinned post and blog navi soon, and pls ignore the fact that i haven't written chiyo's kny verse description asdfg it's coming!!

[https-immotmari]

❝ I'm going blind from this sweet, sweet craving ❞ ─── twst octavinelle!

WRITER'S START OF A SWEET RAMBLE!

Second request came in as if it's a fresh baked pastries out of the oven! Awww, don't worry, I'll make sure I'm always taking care of myself! You too as well （＾∀＾●）ﾉｼ

fandom! .twisted wonderland character(s) used! .azul ashengrotto, floyd & jade leech gender of reader! .gn!reader head start! .mention of azul's trauma, reader is not yuu here

. . .azul ashengrotto!

❝ Waste time with a masterpiece, don't waste time with a masterpiece ❞

it was a nice day for octavinelle trio and azul's significant other, summer break just hit and somehow the head mage allowed every student to have a vacation.

so, with the weather just right, the rather hot sand underneath them, the ocean waves dancing around and with sounds of laughter, indicating the other three's enjoyment.

tell me why azul ashengrotto, the prefect of the octavinelle and manager of the mostro lounge, is just sitting underneath the beach umbrella with a rather blank face?

he was thinking, that's for sure.

"...zul?" a soft voice brought him back to reality, a voice that soothes him whenever he had his downs. the said glasses man turns his head to his left and saw it was his significant other calling for him.

"yes, dearest?" "are you alright? you seem to be spacing out a lot."

azul parted his lips a bit before closing them back, hesitating to answer a question he's always been asked and yet never knew what he was answering them.

is he.. alright? it was passed his overblot era and thanks to the first years helped, he was brought back to his senses. even after that, was he truly alright?

"okay," azul ashengrotto's significant other, (name), started, "how about we do a guessing game where I guess what's going on your pretty mind?" they suggested.

the octo-merman eyes widen a bit, surprised at the sudden game that his significant other suggested. he then shakes his head, "no. it's fine, dearest. I don't want to be a burden to you."

(name) frowned, disappointed at azul for thinking about that, nonetheless she guessed, "is it work?"

azul sighs, should have expected that when it comes to (name), they never stop until they find what he's thinking and worrying about. "no.."

"is it the twins?" he shooks his head, "is it the other prefects?" another shook.

(name) paused for a moment, thinking what else could azul be worrying about, it honestly took a moment for them to open their mouth and say, "is it about... your past? your octo form?"

silence. the silence from azul was all they need to confirm their guess. now that they think about it, while they were having fun with the twins in the ocean, azul looked rather.. jealous, probably towards the twins since they can transform into their merform so freely, unlike him.

azul felt his significant other moving closer to him, resulting in him getting hugged by them. "you know.. those people who made fun of you are a bunch of fools.." (name) suddenly commented, "they were bullies who did nothing but, to see others suffering because in reality, they're life is trash."

"you're an amazing man, azul. you've already proven to those fools that you're greater than them so, stop dwelling on the past and look forward to the future, a future with me in it."

to the great seven above, no prayers nor words can describe how grateful azul ashengrotto for having somebody as loving as his significant other.

the couple sat, all the while hugging, in silence underneath the beach umbrella as the other two are minding their own business. (name)'s reassurance made azul's day even better than before and he couldn't thank them enough for it.

"wanna eat with me the cupcakes I've baked?" he nodded in response.

. . . floyd leech!

❝ You should be rolling with me, you should be rolling with me ❞

"floyd-! stop!" the troublemaker twin's significant other whines, shielding themselves from the splashes of water by using their arms. "stop it! I don't wanna get wet for now!"

the troublemaker simply grinned mischievously as he continues to splash them with water, "come on, angelfish~ you're already in your bathing suit.!"

however, his significant other frowns at him, now annoyed that they're completely wet by now thanks to the huge splashes floyd did to them.

"I didn't even want to get splash, I came over here to ask if you wanted any snacks.." they murmured.

all floyd did was chuckled, "I know~ just wanted to tease my angelfish~" he claimed with that oh-so silly lopsided grin.

(name) sighs while shaking their head, "I honestly should have expected that." he's floyd leech, it's self-explanatory. (name) then turned their body around and started walking towards the sandy land.

"wait, angelfish~" they didn't stop, "don't make me do it~" and yet they didn't stop.

(name) then heard floyd sighs so disappointedly at his significant other before they heard rather loud footsteps, and splashes of water coming towards them.

(name), upon hearing those, started walking faster though thanks to the water below them, it slightly slows them down.

just then, they felt themselves being held up high, a squeal out of surprised came out of their lips as floyd let his silly smile creping on his face.

"I warned you, didn't I~ now, angelfish needs to be with me!"

floyd carried his significant other as if they were a child, snuggling his head on their neck as he sits down in the ocean floor near the shore.

(name) huffs and puffs, trying to wiggle their way out of floyd's monstrous grip. floyd just tighten his grip more the more they try to get out of his hands.

"stop tightening your grip, floyd! I might end up dead if you continue this." they whined.

"eeh~ don't wanna~"

"I don't know why I dated you."

"hehe~"

eventually, (name) just let floyd be floyd, thinking that nothing could get worse if they comply to floyd's silly wants. they just hoped they'll get to eat the sandwiches jade packed them earlier.

for now, they'll just enjoy being in their significant other's embrace as the sun comes down ever so slowly.

. . .jade leech!

❝ You're a real-life fantasy, you're a real-life fantasy ❞

sometime, after having fun in the ocean with his significant other, the two of them went out of the water, drying themselves out before laying in each other's embrace in the large beach towel, where they're picnic is at, underneath an umbrella.

it was a relaxing day for jade leech and his significant other, floyd was enjoying the ocean as he drags their boss, azul, in the water even though azul protested.

just a wonderful summer.

"aaahh.." his significant other, (name), sang, holding a mini sandwich near jade's mouth, waiting for him to open it.

jade, who was reading a book, chuckles at his beloved's adorable behavior and open his mouth, (name) feeding him the mini sandwich. "thank you, beloved." jade lets his other hand ruffle their hair, a token of appreciation.

(name) softly chuckles, "no problem, dear."

they then reach out in the picnic basket another mini sandwich and feed themselves, letting out a hum as a way to let their satisfaction known.

"so, what'cha reading, jade?" they asked, taking a peek at his book and finding an illustration of a green tail mermaid with red hair as well as a quite chubby fish with its blue strips and yellow scales and a lobster.

"ahh, reading the oh-so famous tale about the mermaid princess that the great sea witch encountered, huh?"

jade nodded, "yes it is, beloved. thinking about how where going to the beach today gave me the urge to bring this book along."

"well, I can certainly see why.." (name) muttered, seeing how the beach quite resembles the one in the tale. "it's like feeling the nostalgic of it just by being here."

jade hums, agreeing to what they said. "want me to read this a loud to you, beloved?" he asked.

"wait, let me just get comfortable.." they trailed off, trying to find a perfect spot where they can be comfortable while jade reads to them the tale, all the while jade chuckles at them. "there!"

their head is placed on jade's lap, in which was covered by a towel, oh-so comfortably. "you can read now, jade!" they said. they also looked like an eager child wanting their parent to read them a bed time story.

the said man nodded and began to read to them the tale they always heard about since childhood, about the great sea witch encountering a mermaid princess who's wanting to be human after encountering a handsome human prince whom she had saved from the shipwreck the other day.

all the while jade's reading it a loud, (name) had a smile painted on their face, hearing jade's soft and lovely voice as he reads the story honestly makes their day a lot better.

the two lovers stayed underneath the umbrella all day, finding comfort in their embraces as they reminisce the childhood tale they have countlessly heard over and over again and yet they never grew tired of, especially when it's coming from their lover's mouth.

WRITER'S ENDING OF A SWEET RAMBLE!

honestly, I relate too much about azul's past, like, some people need to stop shaming others just because their appearance. everyone is beautiful in their own way (✿◡‿◡)

that aside, hope this satisfy you, @bi-panicatthedisco! I think I went away from the beach picnic a bit but, I hope you still like it!

rules! + masterlist!

[corkinavoid]

*deep breath in*

Hi, I'm Cork, and today I got an eye injury, so I am now, officially, a pirate. Albeit temporarily. Got the eyepatch and all that crap. More on that later.

Info post

about all my writing progress for anyone wondering and for myself to keep track of stuff. Also, some rambling.

Fiance to a Star - ⅘ done with translating second chapter, also doing moodboards and soundtracks for all of the chapters currently because visuals. Gotta find the right library music. Fuck, translating is hard, why did I write it in Russian, I'm so stupid.

Married to Winter - 8.5 chapters written, editing for the second chapter will be done on Thursday, and I'm posting it on Friday. Need to rewrite chapter 9 probably, it's not working the way I want it to. Currently inspired, so maybe will write more chapters for it. Do I want to add soundtracks? I mean, I do, but do I have the brain capacity and mental strength to do so?

Multiverse Police - on hold, out of ideas, nothing is working. Will come back to it later.

Changeling AU - also on hold, but it's mostly done in my opinion, so any additions will be sporadic.

You Should Ask Danny - editing chapters 6 and 7, chapter 8 is written, but I really don't like it. Might put this on hold after posting chapter 7, but I have a whole list of ideas for it. Maybe I should just delete chapter 8 completely and write something else? I mean, why not, but then I feel like the idea is good, I just can't write it the way I want it.

Mercenary Danny - ugh, I want to write the Christmas date so bad, but it requires writing a scene with so many characters! Fenton family is big, and I want Vlad to be there, which is another can of worms because I suck at writing middle-aged men. Can I just write him as a pretentious vampire wannabe and be done with it? But no, that will ruin his characterization.

Haunted Family - done, fuck it, I lost all the motivation for it.

Demon Babysitter - still on hold, but probably also done.

Now, to the unposted wips that are sitting in my googledocs:

One Night Stand Gone Wrong - 10 fucking chapters written and I- fuck I just wanted some simple short DarkHumor (Dick/Dan) one-shot, how did it come to this, honestly. But guess what, I'm writing chapter 11 even if it kills me, I have an idea for Tim/Danny in there. I'll be posting that, um, later. One day. I still need to reread it and maybe rewrite some stuff, it's just a bunch of word vomiting right now.

Road Trip - 4.5 chapters written, and it's going literally nowhere. Is this a pun? Maybe. Should I just post 4 chapters of it and be done with it? The story is done, more or less. Or, I could just fit all 4 chapters into one, make it a one-shot, and call it a day, what a good idea!

Bad GIW - ugh, I can't. 3.5 chapters written and I stopped liking the idea completely. It will never be finished. Should I post works that I don't plan on finishing ever?

Living Weapon Danny - same thing as Bad GIW, I wrote 2 chapters and abandoned it. Fuck I'm bad at writing angst, I just- can't. I want to. But I can't.

Masters Gala - I still love the idea, but damn, writing Vlad is hard. Also, writing galas is hard. Also, writing kids is hard! Maybe I should rethink it and make them not kids but teens? But I still need plot for it, holy fuck, how do you write plot for a gala? Should I just, I dunno, put a heist in there? A haunted mansion horror story? A murder mystery? I'm still debating on whether to put Al Ghul Twins or Dead Serious in there because I can't do both for ethical reasons. I mean, I can, but I bet a lot of people will find it messed up. It's not even incest if they are not related neither biologically nor legally nor by their upbringing. Is it? Fuck, I don't know.

Lastly, about being a pirate. TW: eye injury, a lot of cursing included because I'm m a d

So a fucking mad girl hit me in the eye with one of those wooden stir sticks. Because her coffee was too hot. Bitch you ordered a hot fucking drink what did you expect? Mind you it was not burning hot, I held the cup before she did, it was alright, and okay, I get that people can have different perceptions of temperature and heat tolerance, maybe it was too hot for her but who in their right mind stabs people in the face for their drink being too hot, what the fuck

Anyway, I've got the eye checked out - and it's not covered by insurance which is another reason I'm mad as fuck - and it's okay. Mostly. I can't open my eye because it hurts like hell, and i have to do eyedrops and wear an eyepatch for a while, but it's gonna be alright in a few days, so I'm fine.

Is the fact I can only see with one eye gonna stop me from writing? Fat chance.

[shezky]

Hey guys! Today I feel particularly happy, I don't understand why, but I guess I woke up on the right foot, which is undoubtedly good, so, as a demonstration of my immense happiness, I managed to finish a drawing in a single day, here's a Cool P for you <]

It's a simple thing, but I don't mind, since it brings back memories of being something I did at a good time, and I think I got too excited that I didn't notice some mistakes 😬

FIRSTLY (ohhh no man, no she talking about this again 😭) The pants look good, everything is good, everything is pretty and cheerful...but...why is it so high up? It's like...why? 🤨, honestly hadn't thought about it while I was outlining it...and you know what else I wasn't thinking? Correct! THE DESIGN OF THE LINES ON THE LEFT LEG IS DAMN BACKWARDS!, I just realized it when I was painting the pants 😭

Other than that I liked it a lot, I know my drawings aren't perfect but I still love them just the way they are, I do it for the simple fact that I know I try (not like the last three years when I suffered a horrible art block that I thought I would never get out of ☠️) and I apologize that in the last posts it is almost just me highlighting everything that I saw wrong later, I guess it's a rare way in which I appreciate what I do, because it genuinely amuses me and entertains me to see the things I did wrong, and not to make fun of myself, it's more like...laugh along with me...strange analogy I know, but you get the point, I will just say that as a recent artist in this beautiful community I am grateful to have the opportunity to see such great artists here, since they inspire me to want to be just as great, now I will leave the sentimental talk here because otherwise I could last hour and hours talking and I know that many don't really come to see the ramblings of an ordinary girl, so I will try not to write too many things in my next posts, although I don't promise much since I tend to be a parakeet when they give me free rein, and even more so in a space where no one tells me to stop (at least they haven't done it yet and I hope I don't feel the shame of it 🥹) so I say goodbye once and for all, I'll see you around, stay safe 🫶

[umemiyan]

Hiii robin! If you're cool with it, I wanted to ask, is there a certain moment with your selfships when you realize you ship with them, or is it a slow process that just kinda happens?

hi romy!!!! ❤️

tbh it kinda depends and i'm not always totally sure LMAO i'm a little all over the place with it. like a lot of the time i have a hard time deciding and i'm trying to create a classification system in my head akfjofijwe tho it probably shouldn't be that deep my brain just loves to cling to systematization and gets frustrated when it can't properly execute it lmfao. but anyways i shall try my best collect my thoughts and describe how i perceive my tendencies!!

i'll put it below the cut bc i always ramble lolol

there are definitely some ships where it was more of a slow progression and i had to eventually be like "yeah okay this is what it is" because it was getting to the point where they weren't going to leave. i could easily envision more in-depth scenarios between them and myself and/or lore that just seemed to naturally spring up and i just kept thinking about them all the time.

i'd say megumi is a good example of the slow-burn. he honestly wasn't the kind of character that heavily struck me when i first watched the anime and started reading the manga; in fact, i recall being like "oh great, another little hateful emo boy" LOL (historically they're not usually the type i'm drawn to). but i got to know his character better over time and realized that like. damn. i have rather intense feelings about this guy adjewoijfwof

toji and jean were a bit more on the "slower" side of development as well i suppose. and not "slow" in the sense it took several months or years or anything (i've only been self-shipping for about a year) but it was something i had to ease into a bit more i guess.

i actually hated toji at first but then the daddy issues kicked into overdrive and i eventually started catching feelings LMFAO and jean was my first self-ship ever. he's the first one where i felt comfortable enough to imagine myself with someone like that <3 i hadn't really truly done anything like that in years, but i loved his character so much that i was starting to actually insert myself in reader stuff rather than completely detaching like i used to. i could see myself with him.

suga, on the other hand, was the kind that hit me like a freight train. maybe it's because i'm more comfortable with self-shipping now, but it was easier for me to realize it and take it to self-ship level pretty quickly. not only was i obsessed with him from pretty much the first fucking moment, but the subsequent relationship daydreams have been insane LOL i mean i gave it a little bit of time because i hate the idea of being overly impulsive and irrational due to infatuation but uh. i fucking love him lmao

katsuki is..... *sigh* idk. he also kind of hit me like a freight train, at least with the daydream scenarios and whatnot, and i was hoping and praying it was just a phase (still kind of am) but i guess i've sort of accepted that it's not. or it's at least a longer-lasting phase than most lol idk. but i can't stop thinking about him and i'd rather just go ahead and call it a self-ship instead of continuing to try and wait it out or deny it. the brainrot is bad

ANYWAYS sorry for being unable to shut the fuck up as per usual lmfao but yeah!!! i tried to give some examples of how this shit works in my mind. right now i guess i'm sort of organizing things by how regularly/consistently i think about a character over time and with what degree of ease i imagine myself with them in several scenarios, but this is by no means the sort of parameters i think everyone should use when it comes to this. people should do whatever the fuck they want i just take shit too seriously sometimes and wish i could be more chill actually instead of trying to create a classification system for everything in my brain 😃 but here we are

[appatary8523]

Dumb probably negative no context rambles under the cut

Last chance, don't ruin your mood and go back

OK you wanted it this way

1.- I like STW but I usually have to get up to do things while playing (yea sometimes in FN:BR I hide in bushes to go and do some other stuff. I've barely made any progress, the game is quite complicated to me because I don't play it often and I forget what was going on? And I don't know how to use most of the mechanics of the game(? Still, the humor is funny, the gameplay might feel repetitive from time to time but I like it, I really really like it.

I also would like to have more IRL friends who play STW (or FN in general), I bet that game mode is way funnier and rewarding in squad. But nobody plays it, and I think I have no friends who play FN? Just my older brother and he has his own duo so I'm not getting in between them (?) (and he doesn't like STW so he doesn't even have access to it). There's a dude at my workplace who plays FN but no thanks, I don't like him, he's stupid (he's the it guy who can't fix a damn thing. I hate that guy he's so stupid)

As always, I'm playing solo in this squad mode game called life (?

2.- I know I often say I'm doing it for me but, damn, I wish someone could like it the way I like it too. I'll see if it's worth the effort or if I should just finish the damn thing and save if for myself. I'm not hurt or anything alike, I was 1000% aware this was going to happen, and it's helping me improve. I think I just don't want to deal with that anymore. Sorry, I lose motivation quite often and easily

3.- I try to keep everything happy and positive in my FN blog but... I don't really like Hope. I mean she's cool and all that but I just don't like her e-girl thing going on. The only thing I like about her is the cat on her banner icon whatever the name of that thing is. Neither sunsp0t, actually y don't like a lot of things but I'll just save my awful FN opinions. I should've saved my headcanons too

4.- Surprise surprise (actually is no surprise) I'm losing followers. And I get it, I get you guys, I used to post funny things, funny drawings (or drawings in general) but now I just complain about everything. Sorry, I'm not in a good mood anymore.

I don't think people should keep following/stay suscribed to a channel, account, blog thing they dont like no more. I've seen artists (on Twitter of course) complaining about how people should not follow an account for X specific thing but I don't think that's how things work. Just like the things you like change, the things other like change too. They should NOT feel forced to like the things you like and see the things you want to share. But I guess you have to grow up to realize that. I personally don't feel offended when people stop following me, right now I'm offering nothing but negative text post, and that's OK. Curate the things you consume, make it a more pleasant experience, don't feel forced to follow someone you no longer like.

I personally follow people for a specific thing, and sometimes, like everyone, they change the things they make, but if I like their stuff I usually stick around because it's interesting! I just stop following if they change for worse (the same way I changed for worse). Still, not everyone thinks the same way I do.

5.- I still thinking I should just make another sideblog to dump all this dumb kind of posts but honestly I don't want to deal with it. Making an FN exclusive sideblog was already way too much, but I didn't want to mix all in here

6.- I guess that's what you get for interacting with people half your age.

7.- Shouldn't have joined, should've stayed away

8.- I wish we could talk, someday. I'd like to know you better. I know I don't exist for you but you mean so much for me (yea now I understand my taste for one-sided fictional relationships lol). I know, im stupid, I'm delusional, I'm, as always, daydreaming about things that will never ever happen and I will never have. I can't understand love, I can't wrap my head around the idea of being romantically involved with someone but that's OK, that kind of things are not meant for me

9.- I wish I could control whatevers going on in my mind. I wish it could slow the pace of my thoughts, I need some rest from the world but most important, I need a break from myself but I guess there's nothing I can do about it

10.- Also, Beatles song

11.- I fell asleep after posting this and I OBVIOUSLY had to edit it to add this because i DREAMED someone gave me some support words and it felt so nice and comforting jdjsjs I'm alone

12.- Morningssey song. Yes I like him too so sue me (?

[lumpkinboi]

Working meds and two mental illnesses

[Extremely disorganized rambling ahead]

So the meds are working. It's honestly a little crazy to me how I can actually just sit down, clear my mind and just focus on my work. In 26 years of living, I was never able to properly sit down and do something until I started this treatment and it's been doing wonders. Although I'm getting to a point where they don't work as well as they used to, my doctor said this is normal and we just have to find a dosage that works for me over a longer period of time. So if they stop working entirely, we can just increase the dosage, or switch to a different medication.

Sometimes I think about how many opportunities I squandered because I have this disease and never treated it. But it's also hard to blame myself because going after treatment was difficult due to this illness. I've been caught in a catch-22 my whole life. To a certain extent, I still am. I have a lot of social anxiety and I can't really talk to people very well, which is tough because I have to talk to people to get treatment.

But then again, who could I blame? It's not my fault I was born like this, but it is my fault I never got it fixed. I think I'm ready to accept I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it and decided to ignore it until it went away. But I am now, and I guess that's what matters.

To me, currently, the anxiety is the biggest problem I have, and I never really put the two on a balance. At first I thought that if I "fixed" my ADHD, things would get better, but I don't know why I thought one thing would lead to another. I have two separate problems that each require different kinds of treatment. In hindsight, obviously treating ADHD would not treat the anxiety. But it did better my quality of life.

Lately, something very personal has been bothering me. It's been a small source of anxiety for a while, but it came rushing to me as a much bigger issue. I thought it'd go away since it always does, but it's been getting worse, and I don't think the ADHD meds are really helping on that department. It feels like they make this anxiety worse. It's a constant internal struggle that I've been dealing with for the past couple of years. And now it feels like I've unearthed a bomb and it blew up on my face and now I'm dealing with the repercussions. I'm not gonna talk about what it is on this blog since it's a very personal matter, and I haven't really processed everything very well yet.

But I've cried over it. I haven't cried in years. Or, rather, haven't cried in years over something so emotionally personal. This has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Maybe it's time I find a psychologist too.

I think now I finally have a real plan. I've created a loose step-by-step plan to get everything in my head properly sorted. There are many things I want to achieve, but I have to achieve inner peace first. I start with the ADHD, get my finances in order, work through my social anxiety, then move from there. Maybe in 5 years I'll be a real person. I wish I could be a real person now, but life doesn't work like that.

I don't want this post to sound like I'm sad, even though I am upset at the current state of my life. It's more so for me to visualize my thoughts. I found that the last time I did something like this, it helped me organize my head a little, so I think I should start doing it more often. I guess the TLDR is that things suck and not everything can be fixed, but I am trying to focus on the things I have at least some semblance of control over.

I just want to be normal.

[alphabetboyluvr]

hiii holly! i hope november's treating you kindly so far!

i wanted to ask whether you have any advice for writers that are just starting to publish. literally any modicum would be greatly appreciated.

it's really hard to assess whether one's writing is any good when literally no one ever reads it :( at the same time, I know I should write for myself first and foremost. can't help but want to be held accountable by the possibility of an audience, tho (maybe that's just my brain chemistry??) I fall into the pit of thinking "if no one's reading it, why am I even writing? I can daydream indefinitely and be satisfied. Why write?" Yet I always come back to writing; it's something magnetic.

it's not the same to ask close friends to read ur stuff bc they are ur friends, and may not give you the sincerity ur looking for so as to not discomfort u. conversely, they might not be interested enough so as to pick up on the fine details.

f/u question: how do you deal with publishing your work on the internet for free? does it ever scare you that strangers could copy and republish ur work without your knowing?

I guess that's one of my main apprehensions about posting loyally on writing platforms. I'm scared I'll write something I'm very proud of and have it plagiarized and not be able to track it back as my original property??

anyways, enough of my self-exposing on your q and a's feeling v vulnerable sharing my doubts so openly lol

thank youuuu :) ly <3

hiyaaa!! it's getting chilly, i won't lie, but other than that November has been pretty typical. likewise, i hope it's treating you well too!

honestly the fact you casually drop words like modicum probably suggests you're a paygrade above me in terms of writing hahaha

my answer is a long (srsly i just kept on going lmao) ramble, so I'll put a read more here haha

i've many lovely friends who i absolutely adore that I've met through writing that are now irls, but none of my friends that i know independently outside of writing have ever read my stuff - I've even got irl friends who are deep in the ao3 trenches, who are paying for other tannie writers' patreons, but we have an unspoken rule that my work is not to be read by them. i just don't let my friends read my work, full stop, so i get that sentiment.

the thing is, humans are naturally inclined to be storytellers - it's been that way for thousands of years. our tales are meant to be told. sharing is just a very human thing for us to do.

I've been publishing on wattpad (within the tannie space) for 4 years, now. readers didn't appear overnight - i actually recently found a screenshot of you up? from march 2021. it had 28 parts, 2.03k reads and 313 votes.

it now sits at 62 parts, 1.45million reads and 55k votes.

that's a little bit perspective for you, i guess - i'd written half of an entire novel that was averaging around 70 reads per chapter, but i loved that world, and i had story to tell, so i told it. some people viscerally hated it, some loved it. i was writing for me, and the numbers prove that. if you worry about the numbers, you'll never satisfied.

similarly, comparison is the thief of joy, or so they say.

comparing yourself to other writers is never healthy. there are far more 'successful' authors on wp in terms of reads, but i genuinely mean it when i say i think i have the most fulfilling and rewarding space on tannie wp because my readers are so unbelievably lovely. i wouldn't trade my current readership for bigger numbers, not a chance.

in terms of plagarism, there are 170,000 words in current use within the english language, and 36 plot types. we've exhausted a lot of them, already. overlap and similarities are bound to occur, so i try not get fixated on it.

take cv for example - i was so gassed up with myself when coining the terms mono and multi, only to find out after i'd finished writing the story that there was a drama with a similar concept that also used the term mono for a similar condition that aired after i'd already started writing cv. overlap happens.

similarly, we're a product of the media we consume. endeavour is my favourite word, because it was in a song i liked when i was a teenager and it stuck with me. i use it all the time, and we can trace it back to the pen of alex gaskarth lmao.

I've seen readers of mine publish work that's been heavily inspired by my work - with and without 'permission' - and i just sort of shrug my shoulders whenever i notice it.

the way i see it, we'll never tell the exact same story. likewise, no two readers will ever read identical texts the same way. i encourage creativity, and know how important it is for me to empty my brain, so I'll never go for someone's throat for doing the same. that's how myths were born, right? people telling and retelling the same stories over and over again? how am i gonna write a romeo & juliet x greek mythology inspired fic and then get annoyed for someone taking inspo from me?

just like the way hair will always grow back after a terrible cut, new words can always be written after a disappointing discovery. idk, i just don't take it very seriously, i guess.

as for whether or not your writing is any good - it's totally subjective. there are people who have explicitly, publicly stated their disdain for my writing. I've had cruel opinions about my writing projected and amplified to large followings. and it sucks.

but there are people who have been exceptionally kind about my writing, too. i get some of the loveliest messages in the world. there are tiktoks with hundreds of comments of just unadulterated loveliness directed towards my work. I'm afforded so much grace and love that it can be overwhelming at times.

not everything is for everyone, and that's okay. you can't let yourself get hung up on pleasing everyone.

the one thing i will say, is that if you're seriously concerned about your IP, write original characters, and use wattpad as your platform. i know they have a reputation, but they give a shit about copyright infringement and the second someone gets reported for plagiarism, they'll investigate it, and take down the story.

no reward without risk - you gotta decide if the risk of plagiarism is worth the reward of sharing your work.

and plus, ai is taking over anyways. may aswell write while we still can lol.

so i guess tl;dr - don't let outside influence impact your internal need to create. the right readers will find your work eventually, but it's not an overnight miracle kinda thing. if i stopped writing just because i didn't see results in my stats, then i would have stopped after kumiho, and we'd have never gotten throttle, or bd, or anything else of mine you might have read.

do it because you love it, and it fulfils you. i love the communities built around my stories, and that's why i share them. writing without sharing doesn't fulfil me in the same way.

okay i've really rambled too much so i'll leave it here, but i hope that helps a little!!! or at least has given you insight into my brain!!!!!!

luv u byeeeeeee

[hyperbolicgrinch]

Teehee,,, here she comes,,, to ask,,, questionnnnnsss, (no pressure of course bestie) 1, 5, 12, 13, 16, 25, 29, 33 and 34 !!! But no pressure to anything!!! no pressure to answer either <3 I’m on laptop so this is a v boring ask i apologise it won't let em format this at all :(

There she is!!!! To ask questions!!! (Bless you for fighting the laptop to send me these, ilysm 💕)

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

I simply can't. It's impossible. I never look directly at my writing so I don't know her well enough 😂

Okay, fine, fine, she's mid, that's what I'll say?? So ⭐⭐ ?? Not doing anything spectacular but gets the job done more than not?

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Maybe my All Out!!! requested ones because I actually finished and posted them, which was a miracle 😌✌️

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

Honestly I'm really excited about a silly modern university One Piece au I'm sort of doing on the side sometimes when I need a breather from other fics. Even though I've barely written anything officially for it, it's a cumulation of all my sister's and my 2am ramblings and silly little biased ideas and I just really wanna bring them to life so she can read them. 😂

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Ooo, if my memory serves right it was One Piece or Supernatural. I didn't ever finish or publish any of them but yeah- gateway drugs.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

Let me think, what's at the top of my head right now...

Argh, I guess I like when arseholes catch feelings for each other but still stay arseholes about it adsfggh 😅

Ohhhh and where one of them gets injured or beat up or whatever and the other dickhead is like "tell me who did this to you" while cradling their face or something hnggg 😳👉👈

Or when they've been complete dicks to each other but one of them turns up on the doorstep of the other cause they had nowhere else to go and then they have to deal with each other and they fall in luvvvv 😏

I also really am a bitch for the bastard is in love with and pining for other character (in fiction!!! In fiction!!!!). ugh if done right and pulled off well (in fiction!!!! In fiction!!!), I am unfortunately on the edge of my seat 🫣

Love me a bitch that gets jealous and starts acting out too (in fiction!!!!!) because as a bitch that do get jealous (not to that level, I am not pulling that crap, I promise) it speaks to me a little ngl 🫢

Ooooo and the fuck the whole world, I choose you thing. Like if they damn the whole world for their person/people then I'm there. I'm right there. It's gotta be done right thooooo but to be fair, it's pretty hard to mess up 😌

Okay gonna stop outing myself on main because I could go on adafgdhjy and just end with, not really a guilty pleasure, just a pleasure, but if there's a forehead press I am on the floor every time. The chef's are kissing with tongue!! Nothing like a forehead press!!! 😍

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Okay so the big One Piece one I'm working on atm, I keep having an urge to make a sequel after it that let's me kinda do a fix it au and teams the characters up again for a joint revenge plot. I can see it in my mind but making it work is going to be a lot. Still love to daydream about it tho 😂

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

Hmm. Well atm I'm writing a lot of seggs and I'm not that (pun intended) jazed about writing it because it's not really my thing or in my wheelhouse, so that might count?

Don't know how it turned out cause it ain't finished yet but pray for me. It's a slog but the uglies must be bumped, I guess (instantly regrets saying that) 🙃

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

I'd need an audience first, pfftt 🤭

Nah, um, that it takes literal years and none of that shit is written in order. It's all an illusion, babbeyyy!!

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

Crikey okay everything I'm writing at the moment is pissing me off so here's something I wrote in like 2016 and haven't touched since but that I think about often (even if I would change most of it today) because of a compliment I got on it. 😙

(It was for a Zoro pov zolu ficlet after the timeskip meet up when all the crew gets back together again in One Piece because that arc always leaves me with some damn big feelings and they have to go somewhere 👁️👄👁️)

"I'M GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES!"

And he will be.

And Zoro will be there when he does, because oh, he's not leaving this thundering feeling for anything in the world ever again.

He shuts his one good eye, and smiles.

The heavens will hear Luffy's name long before they ever hear his own.

[ghoulangerlee]

Ohhhhh my god I feel you on this whole bc shot thing. I've been on it for a little over two years because I'm trans and getting my period was so bad for my emotional wellbeing I had to do something. I didn't wand an IUD, and I forget to take my medication a lot so the pill wasn't ideal. I was told by two different obgyns that they wouldn't consider removing the uterus becsuse at the time I was only 21 and ""What if you chsnge your mind!!!"" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 so I really dint have a whole lot of options.

On one hand I like not having to worry about the whole thing for 10/11 weeks at a time but on the other hand I also really like not having feeble bones! I've been taking calcium supplements but the pills are huge and I worry it isn't covering the issue entirely. I don't get enough calcium to begin with becsuse I can't drink milk and stuff, so I worry that it's a bandage on a knife wound so to speak.

Last time I was at the clinic for my shot I raised the issue again and the doctor there was like "wait you're literally trans and have no plans for children why the hell don't we just get rid of it????" And I'm just sitting there like why the fuck did the last two people I see not give me this option!?

Anyways I need to discuss the idea more with her but oh oh to get this fucking thing out of me....oh to dream....

Sorry rambling in your asks but this sucks and I sure hope we both get the cool fun and fresh resolution :)

oh my god anon, i feel you. i've been on it for...almost 5 years now? I think around August 2019 is when I started it finally. It was unfortunately the only option we could find for me. I actually can't have any bc that has actual estrogen in it because of my high blood pressure and the family history of blood clots. And like, at first it was fine and dandy! I was okay with it because after 7 weeks of a heavy cycle I was so exhausted and just ready for it to be over. And it's been gone! pretty regularly for the last several years.

Sometimes if I'm incredibly stressed it will sneak up on me but it's like, leagues better than it was. Max 3 days and barely anything at all. So, very manageable for someone who y'know. had it much worse (to the point it would cause my iron to drop significantly all the time).

I hate obgyns who refuse to do things because "you might regret it later on" like, no actually I think I'll regret having this thing inside my body I don't intend to use and having to stay on the shot for the rest of my life. I'm in a same-sex relationship, I don't ever intend to physically carry a child, I just want the thing gone lmao. I've told obgyns that in the past and yet they still insisted on telling me that I might "regret" it.

So, my surgeon did mention that viactiv is a good supplement, which is apparently a chocolate calcium chew haha. My biggest concern is that I have osteoarthritis and being over 30 now, my bone density doesn't come back as fast as it does for someone in their 20s. My doctor is also concerned about it too. I mean like also the weight gain is terrible too, like holy shit it's been the worst (strong ass bc, strong ass side effects I GUESS)

THOUGH APPARENTLY there is a bone density therapy that they can do which will help with keeping your bones strong. I didn't know about it and no one ever thought to mention it to me when they started talking about my bone density lmao. Normal Calcium supplements make me extremely nauseous and I can't take them, so I just stopped lmao.

And I think from there, that's when I sort of decided I wanted to look into getting rid of my uterus for good. Like, I don't plan to have kids, I don't need it. Why should I continue this shot, why should I keep putting myself through this.

Also, idk if you've experienced it, or if its just because I been on it for so long or if it's something else entirely, but in place of the period I just get cramps :) really bad ones :) it's great and what I've always wanted from bc haha.

honestly that's a good doctor, why haven't they suggested it sooner? Literally the surgeon I'm seeing is, ironically, the first obgyn I saw when I switched insurances and go to where I go now, and from the beginning she was like "you're in a monogamous same-sex relationship whenever you want the surgery we can just take care of that" and idk I wasn't in the right place then, I think, to consider it.

yeah it's a long process from my understanding, we're building a case right now, as my surgeon called it, gonna have some imaging stuff done, a few more tests and then we'll set the date and just. remove it. thankfully, no early menopause for me (ironically the One Thing i was most worried about?? I don't know, I've got so much going on, I didn't want to even consider dealing with menopause bc guess what the treatment for that is-- the same damn shot I'm trying to escape lmao) ANON!!! I wish the best for both of us!!! Let me know how things go!! (if you're comfortable!!)

[insecateur]

2022 fic wrap-up!

Here it is, my 2022 fic wrap-up! I'll divide it in three parts: general rambling about writing, month-by-month discussion of what I wrote in more detail, and a conclusion about what I'd like to get done this year a.k.a. 2023!

(I wrote so much I'm sorry.)

   

General Thoughts and Rambling about Writing

I've had multiple times when I'd say I stopped writing. I wrote a lot when I was younger, both fic and original, always in my native language (French.) I also roleplayed a fair amount. Back in 2011, after a very bad time in my life, I stopped writing. My last attempts were roleplaying posts; I think by that time I hadn't written fic in over a year. 

For a little while, I focused on drawing exclusively. I even created an original webcomic that's currently discontinued. Then, in 2013, Pokémon X&Y came out–

I'd planned to write posts about my main X&Y fic series on Tumblr, but only wrote one and then never got around to writing the rest. I still want to, though! It probably covers most of what I'd want to say already, so I'll be brief: I got back into writing fic in 2013, for Pokémon X&Y, in English this time, and then lost steam the next year for a variety of reasons. I got back into writing again in 2015-2016, writing more or less exclusively for myself without sharing it except on dreamwidth and password-locked blogs. At the time, I think I felt self-conscious about posting fic on AO3 that I didn't think was "up to par," not to mention I felt guilty about my lingering WIP...

In late 2017, I got into a brand new fandom, Yakuza, and for the first time in four years started to focus my creative energy in something that wasn't Pokémon X&Y. I still thought about it a lot (Lysandre especially) but I was able to get into new ships that I was excited about for reasons that weren't "this reminds me of my ultimate blorbos." In 2018, I started working on a Yakuza fic that I then gave up on, until (encouraged by one of my friends) I got back into working on it in 2020.

I don't know what did it; I'd guess it was having someone who could cheer me on and who was also a writer, maybe, but in 2020 I really started finding pleasure in writing again. I finished the fic around the end of the year and got very sweet feedback (which I was surprised about because the topic of the fic isn't something I expected people to care about haha.) I was itching to write more but I was also kind of exhausted. I figured maybe this was going to be my fanfiction swan song, which I was pretty happy about, honestly. I still think it's a pretty good fic.

Then, in 2021, Pokémon Masters EX grabbed me by the throat–

It felt kind of eye-opening. It felt like I was back in 2013/early 2014 and suddenly I was fueled by the raw power of OTP. I reread my unfinished WIP, that I'd continued further from what was posted on AO3, and thought: I can finish this. Not only that, but I can make what I've already written better. It doesn't matter that it's been almost eight years, it doesn't matter if nobody cares to read it. I can do this, for me.

And I did!

Not only that, but it kickstarted me into getting back into writing for real. I posted the finished, rewritten (in parts) version of the fic in November (I promise I'll talk about this in more detail soon,) and then in December I posted another fic about them. Which then brings us to, of course, what this post is actually supposed to be about: 2022.

   

What I Wrote in 2022 (And Other Considerations)

I started out still riding that high from having finished my long fic, and posted two fics related to it in January, turning it into a series:

* The Pangs of Disprized Love: This one is an outsider POV taking place between two of the later So Long as We Can Say chapters. It was really fun to write, despite the subject matter! The last SLaWCS chapter is actually probably my favorite, as a post-canon aficionado, so getting to write more of that was a treat.

* And With Your Hands Your Hearts: This one is a more or less direct sequel. A marriage proposal... How corny. It felt like what the characters needed after everything they'd gone through, though. I had very strong mental images for this one and I'm still pretty happy with the result.

After that, I got to work on the sequel to Et Surtout Mourir de Langueur, the first part of my mutual pining saga. At the time, I ran into two issues:

— I was embarrassed by the idea of writing and posting smut on AO3. (Yes, this seems insane to me too now.)

— I was worried people would be put off by me writing Lysandre as submissive more "aggressively." (As in, actually making it clear that was what I was going for, and not just implying it.)

Because of this, I started getting writer's block, and found myself stalling after deciding to actually include explicit scenes in (what would become) Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux. But something very special would happen to me that month...

Indeed, February is the month I came to know Noah a.k.a. @jonphaedrus. Which seems both so long ago and way too little time. I will refrain from gushing and just say that had we not met, I might have never started posting E-rated works to AO3 and I might have even given up on writing that second mutual pining fic. So there.

Thus, in March, thanks to Noah (and Grey!)'s support, I finished and posted:

* Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux: They continue pining, but this time they fuck explicitly. A lot. Way too much if you ask me. The romantic tension does not resolve in this fic and did not resolve period in 2022 but it will in 2023 I promise.

My SLaWCS energy had not left me however, and so after taking a short break I started work on a direct sequel to And With Your Hands Your Hearts, where I'd explore Augustine and Lysandre's backstories at last. This quickly became a multi-chapter project, which I was anxious about because SLaWCS (the original fic) had been my only successful attempt at that, but the fact that I had been successful once – and now had support from a fellow prfr appreciator and author – helped carry me to victory.

So, in May, I successfully published:

* Wisely and Slow: Definitely one of my favorites from the year. A three chapters story about dealing with your demons and finding a new place to belong to in the world. I could talk more about it but I won't... for now. This is the last (plot-relevant) SLaWCS story I've posted so far; the next one is going to be the wedding one and I'm SO excited to work on it. SOON.

Taking a break from longer fic writing, I wrote this treat for Noah:

* That Give Delight and Hurt (Not): I feel like this was the first step toward me going full self-indulgent when it comes to publishing smut. It still has feelings, but there's no pretense of a plot, just two characters engaging in D/s fun. It was my first time posting actual PWP on AO3... emotional...

In June, struck by a sudden bout of inspiration at the very end of a challenge from a Discord server I was in, I wrote 20k in a week:

* Perfect as a Statue, Unadorned: A Xerosic/Lysandre fic where Lysandre is a robot. It's also one of my favorites from this year! Very underrated imo. It's long, it's an AU, it's for a rarepair... so I'm not really surprised, but I do wish more people would give it a try. Oh well.

And then, finally embracing my id fully, I wrote and shared what is probably still the most unhinged thing I've written in 2022:

* All in a Day’s Work: Also known as "Rocket Lysandre free use" which tells you all you need to know. Truly just pure bottom Lysandre PWP. I think about the tag "I Want That Pokémon Villain Obliterated" regularly. I originally wasn't even planning on posting it but doing that freed me from any kind of worry about what I was "allowed" to post on my AO3, because nothing else can come close to it. Also very underrated imo but not for the same reasons LMFAO.

I was slowly getting into the habit of writing regularly, so in July I decided to try my hand at writing short fics/ficlets based on prompts I found or that were sent to me. This way, I successfully wrote five ficlets:

* Phototaxis, Show Off, The Precious Time That We Have, Then We Shall Need Each Other & Aspectabund

I also participated in BDSM Exchange, with a fic! Which was my first time writing fic for an exchange – before that, I'd only done art.

* Viens Me Libérer de Mon Sommeil (Je Suis à Ta Merci): An OT3 (Diantha/Sycamore/Lysandre) fic for Noah! It has all of our favorite things: D/s, Lysandre getting run over, BDSM therapy... I nearly finished it in time for frenchflagshipping day, too, but missed it by three days. Alas.

Powered by pure hubris, in August, I decided to try my hand at Writer's Month... and couldn't pull it off (in parts because I got very, very sick mid-way through.) I'm not going to link all of my fics for that separately (they span from August to December) but I will namedrop a few I especially like. Otherwise, you can check them all out in my series! (Shout-out to the series-within-a-series specifically for the bodyswap storyline, too. I'll finish it in 2023! I swear!)

My favorites from August were:

* My (M37) friend (M32?) keeps alienating everyone we know with the way he presents his opinions: Absolute classic. A reddit post parody. I'd still like to write a sequel/spin-off someday.

* A Comedown of Revolving Doors: Kind of a weird one; I just caught a vibe and followed it without being completely sure where I was going with it. I do enjoy the result though.

* It’s a Mechanical Bull, the Number One: Bottom Dom content for the soul. I still think this one was very big-brained of me. Also the title does not get old.

* Hit Me With the Way They’re Flaunted: It sure is over 3k about Lysandre getting his tits tortured/played with. What else can I say.

August was also the month we started posting courage is the most foolish thing in the world a.k.a. roleswap! I am not involved in the writing (as in, I don't write it; I am definitely involved in the ideas and concepts) but I couldn't not give it a shout-out. 

For September, I'll cite this one:

* Something in Your Head You’ve Been Fighting All Along: It's cakeverse. I found out about cakeverse completely randomly and have not stopped thinking about it ever since. I'll probably write and/or draw some more at some point... It's still at the back of my mind.

I also participated in another fic challenge: to write an AU fic of no more than 5k words. It turned out a lot more difficult than I expected; I apparently do not do well with max word counts. Still, I managed to post:

* From the Throat, I’m Tied to You: A very horny soulmate AU. I just decided to write the kind of soulmates I'd like to see in fic, heh. Despite how hard it was for me to get the words out, I do enjoy the result, and it was fun to work on!

In November, I posted a fic for the exchange Fic In A Box! I feel like I've already talked about this one a lot LOL, so I won't get too into it.

* do let the old enmity be: A recursive fic for Noah's main prfr series. It's all in-universe stuff, and probably the most fun I had working on a fic this year. I was very pleased to see so many people enjoy it!

I also kept working on my late Writer's Month prompts, and my favorite for that month is obvious:

* Let Your Backbone Slide: My first time writing trans porn... finally, I can put what I want to see into the world (Dom trans/cis sub, in case that wasn't clear.) I like this one a lot, tbh. I'd like to write a sequel/related fic sometime soon.

Finally, the last month of the year: December! My end of the year was really busy. I had a lot on my mind. Still, I managed to post a few more Writer's Month fills and one very special fic:

* De nouvelles saveurs: My last fic of 2023! And it's in French! It's 12k words of flirting via baking croissants. Before writing a short thing for my FIAB fill, I hadn't written in French in over a decade... so it was an interesting experience. I am pretty happy with the result though! The croissants (quaso) got baked and that truly is all that matters. 

I'll finish this off by giving a quick shout-out to the old fics I posted throughout the year. These are the fics I wrote back in 2016, as mentioned in the introduction of this post. Noah slowly encouraged me to post them on AO3, even the ones I was the most embarrassed about. Since they've all been backdated, I don't remember the exact month (of 2022) they were posted on, so I'll just give them to you in their original chronological order:

* Fighting With My Weak Hand: A post-canon story about Lysandre trying to earn forgiveness. (Yes, it was already my shit in 2016.)

* Status Symbol: Car sex.

* A Lesson in Self-Control: Omorashi. 

* This Is the Finest Game, It Ain’t Even Got a Name: Spy AU. Very self-indulgent.

* Midas Touch: Lysandre doesn't masturbate. Augustine investigates.

* Give Me Fire, Burning Hell: My original soulmate AU.

Phew. Okay, now that that's all out of the way–

   

What 2023 Has In Store (Hopefully)

I have a lot of WIPs.

See, at the beginning of 2022, I told myself I'd only have one WIP at a time. That way, I could focus on one thing, and get things done at a good pace. Unfortunately, as I began writing more and more, and chatting with Noah about ideas, I started listening to the devil on my shoulder telling me I could just work on multiple things at once.

...and I could! At the end of the day, "a lot of WIPs" isn't actually even that many WIPs. Still, I have a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done in 2023, writing-wise:

— I have an unfinished SLaWCS smut spin-off that's like two scenes away from being done and has been for months. I really need to get back on that.

— I have, of course, part 3 of my mutual pining series. I'm nearly 10k into that and Arceus knows how long it'll get. But I'll finish it this year for sure!

— I have the few prompts left from my Writer's Month, most of which I have ideas for if I haven't already started them. I will complete it this year (and not give the prompt list for this year a try, I'm sorry–)

— I have a few challenge fics I started and never finished that I might or might not go back to. (One I'm fairly confident I can finish; the other I have no idea where to go with so it might stay unfinished forever. Maybe I'll share what I have at some point.)

— I want to write in French more!!

— And, last but not least, I'm desperate to write more SLaWCS. I want them to get married!! I spent most of the latter half of 2022 writing shorter fics, and I really want to get back to longer works. I want to drop 60k of wedding planning that only five people will read. This is all I need to stay alive.

As for the rest... I'm still itching to participate in exchanges and other fandom events, so I have plans in that vein, but I don't want to give it away too early. I'm very grateful for the support I've gotten this year, no matter the content... Thank you for all your comments, asks, tags, kudos... I wouldn't have written this much without you! I don't know if I can aim for more than I did in 2022, but I'd like to keep at it, at least. 

So here's to another year of Pokémon fics... and art! If you've read this whole thing, thank you, too! I appreciate it! 🙏

[tinygumdrops]

hello hello!! i've been a reader of your works since about 2020, when you were posting a bit abt haikyuu, and i reread your fics as a treat since your writing is special to me. there was always this certain feeling to your works that i could never pin down, and i finally realised what it was. it was kinda like the acknowledgement and romanticisation of the mundane that is always present in hayao miyazaki's studio ghlibi films, yknow? you always let your stories breathe, which is something that tends to be sorely lacking in even a lot of critically acclaimed stories and media nowadays. your stories are probably why i like character studies so much, ahaha, since you explore whatever character you write as much as possible. i gotta say though, i did trawl your feed a little and was wanting to ask if luffy inspires in you what hinata does, and if you were going to write about him. knowing now that you hate the process of writing and only really do it if your love for a character is sufficient made me see your fics in a new light, because they were labours of love. i'll have to print out your fics for safekeeping at some point though, even if i am scared to death of people stumbling onto my fandom tendencies, ahaha. seeya!

HELLO TO YOU TOO omg pleasure to meet you, anon! And *sobs* 2020 really was that year, yeah? So happy to hear that my fics made you feel better in that sucky year ;-; I can relate in a way; I honestly don't think I would've made it out sane without writing to keep the unpleasant thougths at bay. I guess that's why my earlier works for the Haikyuu!! fandom had a lot of, uh, "ghibli-esque" vibes, as you described. So yeah, you finding that I "always let [my] stories breathe"? *tears up* honestly one of the biggest compliments I've ever received, considering I've always feared I complicate things too much in my works, thank you so much!!!

Oh man, you mentioned Luffy---please know that you will never have a comprehensible, succinct conversation with me once you bring up Luffy, but I will try to truncate myself since this isn't really the appropriate place to ramble :DDD BUT YES, I'm actually dying to write about him!!! I do have a simple thing in mind, something about Luffy and two other Strawhats who I'd like to explore more, but it's probably going to take me some time... real life, god, such a pain. It's going to be a challenge writing in Luffy's POV though *crying* it's so strange how foreign his mind can be to me even though we've known him for 1000+ chapters already.

Oh and *sobs* sorry, I did have this super ugly habit of purging my fics, but I think I've gotten better in resisting that urge over the years! I've seen the discourse around it and I've learned a lot; I'll try not to spread my misery by deleting works I no longer wanted to be associated with but might've meant something to somebody. So please don't fret about my current hq!! works going poof anytime soon! Like, you don't have to print them out; it must be expensive, and I can totally imagine how it'd feel if someone were to find printed fics in my sock drawer ;-; Alsoooo I'm not stepping away from the hq!! fandom any time soon, I'm actually writing a Yachi & Yamaguchi fic (I hope it's okay to soft launch here :DDDD I really want to publish it soon and I want to hold myself accountable). It's absolutely criminal that I don't have a story for them yet when I adore these besties so much ;-; I think it's time to change that this year!!!

So sorry for the super long response, I hope that didn't bore you ;-; Thanks for stopping by!!!

[brainrot-yumm]

tw: third year anniversary of ending one of the worst points in my life uwu so mental health issues SH talk Past thoughts of suicide talk

I'm very not used to people following this account man. Genuinely this is gonna be a very personal ramble I'll be having so be warned. I know since this is online it was always gonna be seen but I'm not used to it. Luckily this didn't happen while my account was peaking or else there'd be a lot more issues than needed.

So! Halloween was my 3 year anniversary of not killing myself, and today (or yesterday as of 4 hours ago) is my 3 year anniversary of going clean from self-harm. It's a bit ironic how I was actually contemplating hurting myself during these days, legitimately not as a relapse thing but because I have some chest acne that's been bothering me and turning them into scabs tends to make them go away faster. I don't count that as self-harm at all since it's not emotionally based on release but more as a weird side effect that I can now do thanks to my self-inflicted high pain tolerance. This anniversary is especially important to me because it's been six years since I planned to die. So now I've spent about as much time suicidal as I've spent recovering. Though it's more like 3 and a half years, so check back next June.

I know it's poor taste to say, but there are a few good things that came from all this mixed in the ocean of terribleness. I genuinely like my scars (how they feel, look, represent). I don't think they make me look better than before but I don't think they retract from my appearance at all. I get tattoos now instead of hurting myself to get the same meaning in a healthier way though. I also love having a high pain tolerance, it gives me more options on how to live my life and keeps me from hurting as much in general. And now that I'm hyper-obsessed with not becoming an abuser like my intrusive thoughts say I will inevitably be, I'm learning a lot about myself and how I function in order to work around and fight against impulses. Uh. And that's all the good things. And I could go on for hours about everything else and the rest is all bad.

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. It's honestly strange. I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my childhood again, because everything's normal now. Middle school and puberty has been associated with being traumatized to me, so now that everything is normal and nobody is hurting me (and it's so fucked up how that tremendously traumatic experience is really just a 7-year event that could have happened to anyone, that I can just stumble upon trauma and will inevitably stumble into pain like that again against my will it's so fucked), it feels like I'm a kid again. A very, very, very, very busy kid. A kid who needs naptime and eats too much candy for Halloween and can still kind of summersault and somehow still has too many expectations for the world. I'm hoping maybe I can reclaim some of the hope I used to have. Normalcy feels nostalgic to me I guess.

But yeah, I'm doing better. I'm always tired, I cry pretty much daily, I have the emotional maturity/understanding of a 12-year-old, and despite having been in the semester for like 11 weeks I still haven't scheduled an appointment with the counseling center, but I got diagnosed with ADHD, I'm having more fun with my fashion than ever, I fully understand and accept myself as trans despite being so cis-passing, and apparently I see myself as worthy enough to ask my splat out. I wasn't able to ask her out on Halloween, mostly cuz I knew she was too busy and didn't wanna burden her further. However we eat lunch together now and if I can get my rizz together I might ask her for dinner. I was not able to see myself as worthy enough for another relationship last year.

I'm happy to be alive. I've always been happy to be alive. It's just that I spent so long not living that I stopped thinking there was a point. And now I'm alive again. It's nice.

[maiverie]

i'm Not super good at viet bc i gave up for a couple years and only got back into learning it around the end of last year bc i randomly got back into vpop (thank you trọng hiếu for dropping the banger of the century thú vị hơn vậy 🙏) and now i'm mostly trying to master the phonology and some basic vocab before tackling the scariest monster of all: dialectal differences. it kinda sucks to find learning resources because vietnamese simply isn't a very popular target language but idk something about it called to me i just couldn't pull myself away from all those funky lil diacritics they just fascinated me i had to master them

earlier this year, i actually started stanning (or rather ulting lmao) the group that i-land's hanbin debuted in, meaning that practically any online fandom space would be filled to the brim with viet fans, so i've been getting a lot of encouragement and assistance from them on twitter, i think they get a lil giddy over someone wanting to learn their language hehe

aaaa enough of my autistic rambling (i could honestly infodump all day you'd have to stop me) ummmm i guess i'll go with 🧀 as my emoji cuz it's cute hehehe 🫶

- 🧀

HEJJDJSJA omg i’m only a casual listener of vpop so im VERY VERY open to more recs if you have any that come to mind 🥹🥹 i really like monstar & grey d!! i’ve not heard of trọng hiếu before so THANK YOU FOR THE REC 🫡🫡

dialectal differences are honestly the bane of my existence; my family immigrated from south vietnam to australia so i struggle understanding northern (sometimes even central 😭) accents because the vast majority of the vietnamese community here speaks the southern dialect 😭 at the same time, i was born and raised in australia so i’m not as confident w my viet as i am w my english :( for these reasons, i’ve been trying to study vietnamese properly so we’re in the same boat!!! i’ve noticed the same thing — there’s a plethora of material for other asian languages but with vietnamese, it seems as though more modern/recent material is geared for the northern dialect :(( i really think vietnam has a really beautiful culture and vietnamese is such a beautiful language (though difficult to learn) so it makes me feel really proud and excited that you’re learning it 🥹🥹💖💖 i kinda love that you felt drawn to it because i’ve never had somebody say that before 😭

ALSO. HANBIN & HANNI HIT DIFFERENTTTTT 😭😭😭 i’m so glad the vietnamese fans were encouraging; i think vietnamese people in general ARE VERY VERY welcoming to new learners since our language isn’t the most popular 🥹

ALSO PLS you are welcome to info dump any time on my blog bc i kinda love the way you write 😭😭 your sentences just make sense in my brain and i feel like your personality shines so bright through your texting, it’s kinda insane and I LOVE IT. ILY CHEESE ANON!!! 💖💖💕💗💓💞

[multiverse-of-mischief]

missed a day so catching up!

24 April:

How did your fine motor skills develop? Were you one of the first kids who could tie their shoe laces or do you think you'll probably never learn it? This is an "open question", if you want to ramble, start rambling.

i couldn't tie my laces for quite a long time, though i eventually learned when i was about 9 i think, im still not great at it though and it takes me longer than other people haha! honestly i don't remember much to do with buttons or anything else, but i do know about handwriting.

i have always struggled with handwriting, it used to be really big (and i also wrote in all capitals) for longer than it should have been lol, i eventually got "alright" handwriting when i was like 12 maybe? i could never do cursive as a kid, ever, although now it can be a stim for me and distract me from things because of the concentration and effort it takes. my writing is now legible (most of the time) and if i try really hard, it can be neat for like a couple lines lol. when i need to be faster or don't care as much, my writing is all over the place but still legible and it takes me a bit longer than the average slow writing person, i almost got exam accommodations for this, but it was just too fast which was very frustrating because i then had to push myself writing in exams 🙄

i can actually write super small if i want to, im usually the only one that can properly read it because of how small it is lol, i often did that on worksheets in class

writing really hurts my hand and ive never had good pen posture, i end up with callouses on my ring finger knuckle because of how hard i push haha, my ex used to try and hold a pen like i do and she couldn't do it at all, no one really knows how i ended up doing it (i swear it's not even that weird) but i can't hold it any other way. i also struggle with the pressure of my pen and i push too hard, which ends up making my lettering harder to read because of the thick lines (i tend to write pretty small now actually unless im really rushing). overall, writing hurts and i don't like it, i also need to bend over so im like 5cm away from the paper or i can't write properly, no idea what that's about but i used to lay on my desk while writing a lot in school lmao. it's strange because i really love drawing! i do struggle with the same things though (pushing too hard, muscle pain after a short amount of time, etc)

25 April:

How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another "open question".

i learned to walk really early! i skipped over the crawling stage too, just went straight from tummy shuffling to walking lol

while i can walk well (in terms of motor abilities, im leaving pain and fatigue out of this), i struggle to walk slowly; i see myself as kinda like a bicycle haha, i need to walk at a certain minimum pace or i start to topple. i don't know how to describe why other than just my feet don't move automatically when i walk slow and i have to think about each step, i trip over my own feet and lose my balance a bit. i also tend to bump into people a lot and can't walk in a straight line very well (yay poor proprioception lol); my ex used to say that id never convinced people i wasn't drunk lmao and i have to agree, i wouldn't believe myself either honestly [lighthearted, self teasing]

my posture has always been awful i think, although ive gone through phases of having amazing posture from constant conscious effort (i think i was trying to copy my favourite character lol) but that ended up really hurting my back and taking too much mental energy so i stopped.

similarly with walking slowly, i struggle to stay standing still and often need to lean on something like a wall or i'll start to stumble and topple over. as i said in a previous post, i do actually have good balance, i guess i just have to focus on it more or something, strange bodies.

oh, throwing too! i can catch well (and really enjoy it, i loved practicing catching a ball in class) but when it comes to throwing the ball back...yeah. i don't know what it is about it, my arm just doesn't listen to me properly lol, my teachers got very frustrated with me for that and honestly i got frustrated with myself! i really wanted to play cricket and dodgeball so it sucks that i lack a crucial skill for them :(

this could just be down to my amnesia but ive also struggled with swimming, i find it difficult but manage to learn after a while, and then when i try again, im back to square one! my family is baffled and often don't actually believe me that ive forgotten. again, it's one that im pretty upset about because i enjoy swimming despite the sensory difficulties of after getting out

[helloalycia]

The Wrong Lifetime – Four // Wanda Maximoff

chapter three | story masterlist | main masterlist | wattpad | chapter five

author’s note: I hope you all don’t mind the slow burn because it’s like my favourite thing and i promise things will get spicy soon 😂

Since my rather abrupt revelation about Wanda, I found myself racked with guilt.

Not because she was a girl – I couldn't help my feelings in that sense – but because she was my brother's fiancé. And every time he came to me, gushing about how great of a date they had or how much he was falling for her, the guilt hit me like a sharp pain in the chest, because I understood what he was saying. I felt the same.

And it didn't help when they would occasionally go on dates in front of me, and all I could feel was an unexplainable jealousy in the pit of my stomach. I had no right to feel like this when she was an engaged woman. Her naturally flirtatious personality was simply that: a personality. And even though we'd had a genuinely lovely day a week ago when she invited me to her home, it was no reason for me to think of her in such a way.

The next date on Y/B/N and Wanda's journey to marriage was at our house in the garden. I wasn't actually aware of it until I saw them sat on some garden furniture.

My mum wanted me to help her with some gardening and I found her kneeling by some plant pots, a fair distance away from Wanda and my brother. As I approached her, I glanced in the couple's direction, seeing them sat opposite one another and enjoying a selection of finger foods and tea. They were far away enough to have privacy, but close enough for me to make out their expressions.

"For goodness sake, Y/N," my mother said when I kneeled down beside her to help. "Do you have to wear those horrendous trousers?"

I rolled my eyes, sitting on the ground comfortably. "I'm curious, mother. Do you like anything that I do?"

She gave me a disapproving glance. "I'm only looking out for you, dear. That outfit is very... unladylike."

"Well, they're comfortable," I quipped, before grabbing a spade and getting to work.

"So are dresses," she pointed out, continuing repotting her plants. "And they're prettier, too."

"Considering I have to wear a dress all the time and that I'm in the comfort of my own home, I'm going to pretend you didn't just make me feel bad for wearing these."

She didn't say anything, but I could tell she wasn't happy. I didn't mind wearing dresses, but I would be lying if I said trousers weren't more comfortable. The only time I could wear them was at home when doing chores or simply lounging around. I'd make the most of it whilst I could, no matter what comments my mother made.

I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty as I helped her repot the plants before digging into the soil and planting some seeds she'd bought this morning. My mother, despite adoring gardening, hated getting messy, so you can imagine the look on her face when I got soil all over my clothes.

"I wish you would act like a lady sometimes," she mumbled to herself, but I didn't let it faze me. It was all I heard, so I was used to it.

Laughter sounded from behind us and I risked glancing back, seeing Wanda laughing at something Y/B/N said. I rolled my eyes subconsciously before looking back to what I was doing. My fingernails dug into the soil with irritation, directed at them and also myself. Though, despite my irritation, I still had an urge to glance back at Wanda, and when I did she was looking my way this time. A mere glance on her part, but she directed a smile my way before looking to my brother again.

I'd like to say that was it, but I continued to steal glances of her as I worked alongside my mum, taking what I could get as I admired her from afar.

She looked stunning today, as she always did. Her long curls were left out, flowing over her shoulders and pretty green dress; I wasn't close enough to be able to tell, but I was sure that her dress complimented her eyes. A dark forest green colour with golden flecks, matching the deep green of her dress. Or so I assumed.

"They seem like they're getting on well," my mum said at one point, earning my attention. She was talking about Y/B/N and Wanda as she continued, "They make such a lovely couple."

I swallowed hard, nodding lamely. "They sure do, mum."

She gave me a sideways glance. "You know, your brother will be married soon and then it will be your turn."

I groaned quietly, knowing where this was going. There was no point trying to stop her because once she started, that was it.

"You can't just keep locking yourself in your room and writing stories," she was saying, but I attempted to tune her out which sometimes felt impossible since she had no off button and her shrill voice always managed to break through my bubble. "You have to find a husband. An actual person who you can marry and who can take care of you."

"I can take care of myself."

"Y/N, you know that's not what I mean..." but I stopped listening as she got started going on another ramble about the benefits of having a husband.

Instead, my eyes darted around the garden until they naturally gravitated towards Wanda. It was definitely the wrong time to get distracted by her though, since she seemed to be sucking some food off her thumb. As she did, her eyes found mine and she took that as her opportunity to wink in my direction playfully, hiding a smile as her thumb remained between her teeth. Y/B/N didn't seem to notice, as he was looking the other way, and I felt my cheeks heating up as I looked away quickly, remembering my dream.

She's going to marry your brother. She's going to marry your brother. She's going to marry your brother.

A stupid mantra that didn't work, but I attempted to drill it into my brain anyway.

"...and it would be nice to be able to do all the wedding stuff for you next time around," my mum continued to ramble, unaware of my flustered self.

The image of Wanda sucking her thumb was permanently engraved in my head and I struggled to wish it away. No more staring for today, I told myself, before getting lost in gardening again.

After ten more minutes of nonstop nattering about finding a husband for me, my mother excused herself to refill the watering can. I was grateful for her momentary absence, appreciating the silence and lack of guilt-tripping. Until I heard footsteps behind me shortly after, making me groan loudly.

"I'm not finding a husband right now!" I snapped, unable to take it any longer. But when I spun around to give her a piece of my mind, my mouth hung open like a fish out of water.

"I'd sure hope not," Wanda answered with a stifled laugh. "Then I'd have to share your company with somebody else."

Closing my mouth and standing up, I cleared my throat. "Sorry. I thought you were my mum."

She nodded, eyes roaming my whole body for a second, making me nervous under her stare. I hadn't actually seen her since my inappropriate dream and it was growing increasingly difficult to be so close to her without thinking about it.

"I figured. I just wanted to say hi," she said, expression softening as she met my eyes.

I was right about the dress bringing her eyes out more. A forest green colour, as I'd predicted.

"Hi," I said, giving her a small, nervous smile. "Erm, how is your date going?"

She shrugged, raising her hand to hold her forearm comfortably. "It's okay. It's wonderful out here, I'll give him that."

Relaxing into the conversation, my awkwardness fading already, I smiled in agreement. "Yeah, it is pretty."

A smirk appeared on her lips. "Yeah. So are the gardeners."

Admittedly, it took me a few seconds longer than it should have to realise she was talking about me. When I did, I felt a heat creeping up my neck and to my face and looked to the grass to distract myself. See, when she did stuff like that, it made me question a hell of a lot.

She chuckled. "So, gardening. Another dislike of yours?"

I shook my head, risking looking back up to her. "No, actually. I don't mind it. I'm just not a fan when it gives my mother an opportunity to discuss marriage."

Wanda's interested was piqued as she quirked a brow. "Oh? Your mother has suitors for you?"

I squeezed my eyes shut at the possibility, shaking my head. "I'd rather not ask, Wanda."

She let out a short laugh. "You've got time anyway. At least until Y/B/N and I are married."

I hoped she didn't see the involuntary wince I did at the mention of that. "Honestly, I'm not even thinking about that now... I'm nowhere near ready for that."

"Would you not want to get married?" she asked curiously, tilting her head to the side.

I sighed, looking around, unable to keep my eyes still. "I don't know, I guess? Eventually? But to somebody I love, not some arranged marriage just for the sake of it." My words sank in quite quickly and I straightened up, instantly looking to Wanda with apologetic eyes. "Bloody hell, that is not what I meant to say–"

"It's fine," she reassured me with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I get it. And, well, you're not wrong."

I smiled halfheartedly, the guilt at my previous words still present. I could honestly say that I wasn't aiming that comment at her, but I wouldn't blame her if she took it that way.

"It's important to fall in love with the person you marry," she said, gaze locked on mine. "You have to learn about them, who they are. Their likes, their dislikes. Their personality. If they have a sense of humour or if they're as dry as cardboard. If they're into you as much as you're into them."

Nodding slowly, I wasn't sure what to say. My mouth went dry the longer she watched me, eyes dancing with an emotion I couldn't recognise. Then her eyes fell to my lips and my knees began to shake subtly, wanting to give in because of how confused I was.

"Y/N, dear, don't dirty Wanda's dress with your muddy hands!" my mum called, breaking the strange silence that had built between the brunette and I.

Stepping back with realisation (and grateful for the interruption), I wiped my hands on my shirt subconsciously, making a further mess of my already mud-stained clothes. "Sorry."

When I looked up, Wanda was chewing on her lip, eyes doing a once over on me yet again. It was moments like this when I couldn't tell if she was teasing me or if she actually had an interest in me, maybe, like that.

"Wanda, honey, let's get you inside," my mum spoke, approaching the two of us and looking to her.

Nodding, Wanda glanced at me once more, shooting me a sweet smile, before being led away by my mum. I breathed out slowly, knowing it was wrong of me to feel this way about her. But it was hard not to fall for her when she had so much about her that was interesting.

Her passion for art, her teasing, playful attitude, her sense of humour... and then there were the physical aspects, like her beaming smile, her luxuriant brown hair and her entrancing hazel eyes. She was literally perfect and my brother was one lucky man. For once in my life, I was actually jealous of something he had that I didn't.

"Y/N!"

Speaking of the devil...

"Y/B/N, hey," I said with a smile as he approached me with an extra jump in his step. "What's up?"

Grin on his lips, he smacked my arm. "Did you see, Wanda? Didn't she look stunning?"

The guilt was cutting real deep. "She did."

"I think I'm in love," he gushed, eyes rolling backwards with delight. "She's perfect, Y/N, you don't get it."

"I can imagine...," I mumbled, but he barely noticed, too lovestruck to realise.

"Every date I've been on with her has been amazing," he continued. "If we weren't already engaged, I would've proposed!"

I raised my eyebrows with surprise, definitely not expecting this. He'd made his attraction to her known since the moment we'd met her, constantly talking about how gorgeous she was, but he'd never sounded happier than he did now.

"Mum adores her," he said with a content smile. "Dad would probably marry her if we was thirty years younger. And you–" He looked to me gratefully. "You're making an effort and I appreciate it."

Oh, God, the guilt was overwhelming.

"Everything is going perfectly," he finished with a sigh. "I just– I can't wait to marry her, Y/N."

I smiled for his sake, but my insides were shrivelling up and failing me. I was a horrible person, wasn't I? What kind of monster falls for her brother's fiancé? Me. I'm the monster. But not anymore. I couldn't let this get out of hand. I had to do better.

I promised myself I'd do better.

—

Doing better was going well, I'd like to think. I mean, it had only been two weeks, so I couldn't guarantee, but I was no longer having... thoughts... about the Maximoff in question.

Yes, there was that familiar inkling of jealousy tugging away in my stomach whenever Y/B/N would talk about her, but I think I was getting better at ignoring it. I had convinced myself that my feelings towards Wanda were not true but merely a schoolgirl crush (which I wasn't allowed to have, but still) and that I'd get over it after some time.

I'd liked, maybe two girls in my life before her. The first being when I was a child, about five, and a girl in my class did something different to her hair. If I remember correctly, she always had one ponytail that sat at the back of her neck, then one day, she came in with two braids down her head and it really wasn't a massive change, but five year old me developed a huge crush on her. That was when I learnt that a girl liking a girl was not only forbidden, but viewed as a sin.

The second girl I liked was in my Literature class in secondary school. She was probably the first person I'd fallen for in a way that was considered more than a simple crush. Something about her way with words was so attractive to me, as was the cute smile she'd send my way whenever she'd be my partner for an assignment. I never told her how I felt for she only ever treated me as a friend and the last thing I wanted was to bring shame to my family for liking girls.

Those instances, and the fact that I regularly found myself admiring women in a way I found incapable with men, made me realise I was different and I always would be. And so, the chatter about finding a husband and getting married always scared me because I was afraid that I'd be stuck in a place that I would never get to be myself in. Even though that was the reality of most women anyway.

So, in addition to the fact that it was wrong of me to like women (though it felt anything but) and that the woman I liked now was my brother's fiancé, I convinced myself it was just a mere crush I had on Wanda. She was a pretty girl with an attractive personality and that was it.

Or so I thought.

"Go get your brother, Y/N," my mum said one evening. "He's in his study. Dinner is almost ready."

I nodded and headed to my brother's study across the hall. He was sat at his desk, focusing on something specific that he was writing and barely acknowledging my presence. I glanced around the room, taking in the bookshelves filled with manuscripts, both published and unpublished, and notebooks of ideas piled on desks.

I wasn't jealous of this place, I really wasn't. And I wasn't jealous of my brother either, even when he got credit for things I'd written. I was just angry and hurt that I couldn't have the some privileges he got, such as his own personal study to write whatever he pleased.

"Dinner's almost ready," I called to him from the doorway. "C'mon."

He didn't turn around as he answered, "I'll be with you, one second."

Curious to what had captured his attention, I pushed myself from the doorway and approached his desk. He had a lamp turned on, the yellow light lighting the page he was scribbling on. I peeked over his shoulder and saw him pause from writing, stuck in thought. It gave me the chance to read some words and I tried not to laugh.

"Oh my god, is that a love letter?"

Surprised at my presence, he covered the page with his elbows and leaned on them, looking to me with red cheeks.

"What? No, that's... no," he stumbled out, shaking his head.

Stifled smile on my lips, I looked to him with humoured eyes. "You have to let me read it."

He shook his head frantically, trying to play it cool. "I don't think I can do that."

Well, now I was really curious.

"C'mon, I've read pretty much everything you've ever written," I told him, perching myself on the edge of his desk. "Just a little read and I'll drop it."

Pondering my words, he slowly began to straighten up, uncovering the page. With a sigh of submission, he nodded to it, wordlessly giving me permission to look. I grinned, grabbing the page and holding it to the light so I could read it.

It was mostly ramblings – unfinished sentences, phrases, clauses – but it was all about a certain someone, a love letter as I predicted. It talked about this person's body and lips and humour and fingers and because I was so caught up in teasing my brother, I failed to realise that I was reading about Wanda. At least until it mentioned her accent.

My smile faded when I saw the way he wrote about her, with such passion and ferocity and– he was seriously in love with her. And it may or may not have stung a little because everything he'd written was accurate and I felt the same way. Well, not the in love bit, but pretty much everything else.

"So? Is it bad?" he asked nervously, and I lowered the page to see he was waiting for a verdict. "It's messy, I know. I was just journaling and then it kind of happened."

"It's sweet," I told him truthfully, offering him a reassuring smile.

His shoulders relaxed as I put the page back on the desk before him. "Thank you, Y/N." He paused, before glancing up at me sheepishly. "Now that you're here, you may as well tell me if there's anything I can do to improve."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why? Are you planning on giving this to her?"

He shook his head instantly. "No, oh God, no. That would be severely humiliating. I just thought you could help me for me. You always make my writing better."

I snickered, shaking my head with amusement. Behind the scenes was where I thrived apparently.

"Quickly," I told him as he held out the paper to me. "Mum is waiting for us."

He nodded obediently and I took the paper from his grasp, getting another look at it. Skimming it with my eyes yet again, I found the first criticism and pointed to it so he could see.

"This bit here," I said gently. "You talk about her eyes and say they're magnetic."

"Is that not good?" he asked with a frown.

"It is, it is," I said politely, not wanting to offend him. "But that's all you've written. You want to give the reader a reason to believe you. Why are they magnetic? What about them do you find yourself attracted to?"

He nodded, seeming to get it. Leaning back in his seat, he had a think. I waited patiently, curious to what he would come up with, but then he sighed defeatedly and looked to me.

"What would you write?" he asked, and I smiled with disbelief. It always ended up like this. Me helping him, challenging him with a thought, then him ending up using what I say.

"Okay, let me think," I said, crossing my arms and staring ahead. "Wanda's eyes."

"Here," Y/B/N said, making a gesture to placing something invisible on my head. When I quirked a brow of confusion, he added, "It's your thinking cap."

I rolled my eyes but laughed quietly at his stupidity, then tried to think about what to describe Wanda's eyes as.

It wasn't difficult to imagine them despite having not seen them in a few days. They were always bright, animated, lively. Whether it was green, blue or brown, they were irresistible and as my brother wrote, they were magnetic.

I breathed out, speaking from the heart without thinking. "When Wanda Maximoff looks into your eyes it's like she holds all of the elements in a single gaze. At times, they're greener than the earth itself, captivating and tranquil and daring you to look away. But then they're also bluer than the brightest of skies and darkest of oceans, deep and and liberating and easy for you to get swallowed up in."

A smile fell on my lips at the thought. She truly was something.

I continued slowly, "In the light, you can make out golden flecks, like the first sliver of the sun in Spring. It's hopeful and guiding and fills you with warmth. But what isn't obvious upon first glance is how tempestuous they are, like air itself. She's got a passion behind her eyes that is scary at first, but when you get to know her, you realise that it's a storm worth raging."

It went quiet when I finished and I zoned back into reality, Wanda's eyes blinking away from my mind in an instant. I pursed my lips and looked to Y/B/N with mild concern, realising just how much I'd rambled. He raised his eyebrows with surprise, staring at me.

"Y/N, that was amazing! How did you think of that?" he asked in bewilderment.

I shrugged, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. "I don't know. I just thought about a random set of hazel eyes and applied my thoughts to it."

He smiled, impressed. "Amazing. I love it."

Grabbing a pen, he began to write furiously on the page and I stood up, dusting myself off.

"You sure that's not going to her?" I asked, still feeling fuzzy from what I'd said and hoping she'd never see it.

"Very sure," he promised, not looking up. "It's just for me."

I studied him judgementally. "Okay, well, maybe get rid of that part about her breasts then. It's a little creepy."

He looked up to me with a boyish grin. "I'm only a man, Y/N. Can you blame me?"

I rolled my eyes, shuddering at what he was implying. The mere implication of a thought of him and Wanda... nope, I didn't want to go there.

"I'll see you at dinner," I said, pointing a thumb over my shoulder. "Try to hurry, yeah?"

"Yes, I'll be right with you," he assured me, his hand moving in a flurry as he wrote. "Just writing what you said so I don't forget. Could be good for a future book, who knows?"

I forced a smile, humming in agreement. "Right. Well, I'll see you at the table."

He nodded and I left his room, letting out a deep breath. Just another day in the Y/L/N household.

—

Popping into town for errands was surprisingly not a task I found boring. If anything, I preferred it, using it as a chance to get away from my mother's incessant marriage-related conversations and my father's constant praising for anything Y/B/N did. Nowadays, it was also a way to escape anything wedding-related, which was a plus.

This time, I was only nipping out to return a book to the library, but my mum caught me before leaving and asked me to deliver some letters to the post office since I was already heading that way. Happy to prolong this outing as much as possible, I accepted the errand and headed to the post office after returning my book.

When I was there, an advertisement caught my eye. A chalkboard outside the store displayed a deal the train station were doing. I probably would have ignored it if it weren't for the mention of Blackpool.

2 FOR 1 ON BLACKPOOL TRAIN TICKETS THIS WEEKEND

Remembering my conversation with Wanda, I realised I hadn't actually followed up with her on my promise of taking her there to paint. She probably didn't even remember, since it was a while ago when we spoke of it, but the idea of going there with her made me excited. Was it stupid to get the tickets? Probably. But did I go inside and get them? Of course.

It was only when I got home did I realise how silly it was. Would she even want to go? What if she made an excuse to get out of it? Oh, this whole thing was stupid. I was overthinking it. Friends went on day trips all the time, it's wasn't a big deal.

To my surprise, when I poked my head into the living room to tell my mum I'd posted her letters, Wanda was sat on the couch with her. They were drinking some tea and having scones, chatting away. I'd called my mum before noticing, so when they looked my way, I clumsily entered and straightened up to make myself look presentable.

"Sorry, I didn't know you had company," I apologised with an awkward smile, eyes flickering to a smiling Wanda before looking to my mum. "I just wanted to let you know that I dropped the letters off by the post office."

"Perfect, Y/N, thank you," she said in response, before looking to the setup before her. "You can join us if you'd like."

I was quick to smile gratefully, though shook my head. "It's okay, you guys enjoy. I'll just be in my room if you need me."

My mum shrugged, sipping her tea, and Wanda watched me with a small smile, nodding in greeting, before looking away. I licked my lips uncomfortably before backing out the room and heading upstairs.

I was working on yet another manuscript that wouldn't see the light of day at my desk when I heard a knock on my door about an hour later.

"Come in!" I called, not looking up.

The door opened and I finished my train of thought before turning around, surprised to see Wanda walking into my room.

"Oh, hi," I got out suddenly, words falling from my mouth without me thinking first.

She smiled softly, stopping before me. "Hey. I'm heading home now, but I just wanted to say goodbye."

I stared at her, forgetting how to speak because she was wearing a lovely floral dress that complimented her figure perfectly.

"Oh, and I thought you might like these," she added before forgetting, then held out a box towards me.

Recovering from my initial stupor, I reached out and accepted the box, realising they were chocolates.

"I got them for your mum, but she said she's not a fan of hazelnut," she explained, and I looked up to see her looking elsewhere with a nervous smile on her lips. "You don't have to have them of course. I can just... eat them myself."

An amused smile tugged at my lips as I quirked a brow. "You'd eat them all yourself?"

She was very much aware of how silly she sounded, but she was adamant on appearing confident, so she nodded with certainty. "Yes... apparently I would."

Lighthearted laughter escaped my lips as I set the box to the side. She was trying to stand her ground, but then she sighed and began to laugh, too. My heart fluttered in my chest at the sound and I appreciated the crinkle by her eyes when her smile widened.

"Thank you," I said, settling on a smile as I watched her with amusement.

She nodded, smile of her own still present, before pointing behind her. "I'll, erm, go now."

When she turned to leave, I felt inclined to say, "Wait!"

She paused, turning around patiently, and I knew there was no going back now. Standing up, I grabbed my purse from the side and pulled out the train tickets.

"When I was out today, I saw that the train station were doing this deal on tickets to Blackpool," I started, hoping she couldn't see my hands trembling slightly. "And I remembered that I promised to take you so you could see the water." I closed my eyes, praying that this wouldn't be a mistake, before opening them and looking to Wanda. "We can go, if you'd still like to." 

She raised her eyebrows, eyes glued to the tickets in my hand. No words were being said and my heart thumped in my chest with the realisation that I may have done something insanely stupid. Before I could even think to apologise, a grin spread across her face and her dazzling blue eyes met mine, freezing me in place.

"Are you serious? Y/N, I'd love to!" she exclaimed, then proceeded to launch herself onto me, arms wrapping tightly around my neck.

I gulped as she did, not expecting that reaction, but returned the hug by folding my arms around her waist loosely. She smelt really good, which was probably wrong of me to note, and I enjoyed the feeling of her so close to me, also wrong of me to note.

"Okay, well, the tickets are for this weekend," I said, desperately trying not to stammer when she pulled away. "I can meet you at the station in the morning. Eight."

Her eyes danced with excitement as she accepted the ticket I held out to her. I reminded myself that this was just a friendly day trip and nothing more.

"Eight," she confirmed, attempting to stifle her eagerness by biting her lip and nodding.

I swallowed hard, trying ever-so-hard not to let my gaze drop to her lips. Because then I'd think about kissing her and that was definitely not what I should be thinking about my soon-to-be sister-in-law.

Oh, God, I was screwed.