#honestly havin bipolar depression AND anxiety doesn't help with any of this

[jasonsthunderthighs]

Hey again, I'm the anon from before about those tough thoughts. No need to apologize for your rant, my initial ask was basically an invitation for that even if I didn't outright say it. That seems like such a difficult situation and I'm truly sorry you're going through that. I know how isolating things like that can feel, and how hard it is to miss people. Are you okay after the accident? And is there something in the future you can look forward to? That's helped me in the past, though I know things feel bad right now

I'm tryin SO hard to not dump so much on you, Anon.

I won't lie, it's taken a lot to even say on here that I'm feelin this way. I still have some toxic masculinity to unlearn and to ask for help. I personally feel weak and not the same.

I was the strong one.

The one to help with the weight mentally and physically. Slowly, it's (mentally) been deterioratin every day I wake up with no hope.

I know nobody wants to hear this when they've been through worse. Who wants to hear this shit when it's all I've been thinkin of these thoughts every day.

Yea, I got hit by a car (I was tryin to get to the bus to go to work) but I feel like that's nothin compared to what others have been through.

I shouldn't be this weak.

I shouldn't feel bad for what I went through. It was my fault for it and I probably even traumatised the poor bastard who hit me for my own stupidity.

I was trained to get back up and go on with life without a scratch to bring me down.

I was trained to not talk bout this and keep it in; nobody wants to hear the little thing that has happened and the thoughts comin from it.

Strong minded.

Strong physically.

It's not suppose to be this hard to go through and to just forget bout it.

I don't know what to say in words on how I feel without it goin on and on with dark shit. That's just how it is in my own family. Never speak of it and keep it all in. We're all messed up cause of it and it's been goin on for five generations.

I want to end this with a little happy note for your last question in your ask:

I REALLY am lookin forward for this scar to heal up and get a tattoo to cover it up. It'll take at least a year for it to fully heal (it REALLY hurts to lay on my stomach or move on it if I'm lookin for somethin under a couch or a low place at home) and I plan on gettin bees that looks like it's comin out of the scar like in the ‘92 film ‘The Candyman’ from that one scene when bees were flowin out of his mouth.

I'm sorry for the word salad, I'm in the middle of a mental breakdown and just tryin to get high to numb it.

Thank you for this ask, Anon. I really do appreciate you. If you or anyone is interested, I can show what the scar looks like now since it's almost been three months (got hit on the 7th of February and was in the hospital for a week with my family basically beggin me to come back home. But it's not safe for me there and I'd rather honestly get hit again by a car then to go back home).