#honestly don't take my essay too seriously i just wanted to yap

[lanshappycorner]

I'm here to defend Pacciofinn's honor here is my essay and breakdown as to why pacciofinn is actually a banger ship

(*ummm going back after writing this entire thing, this ended up becoming mainly a carpaccio character analysis with some additional yaoi on the side but please by all means read it anyways)

(**Also disclaimer this is my own interpretation of the characters and their relationship. If you don't agree then you're wrong it is what it is 😔 I'm not the author so I can't tell you that I am completely right either even if I am. Additionally, warnings for spoilers in this essay)

I think to understand pacciofinn you'd have to understand Carpaccio as a character because I do think that people do like to paint him as just a Bad Guy or a bully and I'm not going to say he doesn't have his flaws because. He does. He's first presented as an asshole who hurts people weaker than him but his character isn't as simple as just "a bad guy"

To start off with, Carpaccio was born and immediately chosen by the Healing Cane. As such, he's basically been held to a pedestal his entire life, always doing what he wants and always being allowed to do what he wants because of his potential.

In addition, it's important to note that he can't feel pain. He has never felt pain a day in his life and idk how else to tell you this but clearly this has fucked him up greatly although he may not be aware of it

In order to understand Carpaccio, you'd have to understand his relationship with pain. Essentially, Carpaccio does not know what pain is. He knows what it is in theory, he knows that people can feel it and it is allegedly bad and painful, but how could he understand what "painful" is if he never felt pain?

To Carpaccio, pain is nothing more than a weapon. He is aware that others are hurt because of it, but he can't make the connection as to why this pain is so bad that they can't stand it, because he's never felt it himself.

It's likely he underestimates how pain feels, and this creates some sort of mentality in which he views others as inherently weaker than him because pain to him is truly not that bad. Because he can't feel it. He can't empathize

On the topic of empathy. You hesitate to hurt others because you know how it feels to be hurt, you understand the basic feeling of pain—there is basically almost no one on earth that hasn't felt pain because pain is a warning from your body to avoid certain things.

But if someone has never felt pain before, not only will they be reckless with their body, they will be reckless with other's safety. To them, there is no consequence to injury, and they cannot fathom the pain of others to care enough to take it into consideration.

Simply put, Carpaccio has never had to face the conquences of his actions. He's never felt the pain of stabbing himself, and due to the fact that he's chosen by the Healing Cane, he likely does not face any normal consequences for the trouble he causes others either due to his actions

This has in turn greatly stunted his emotional capabilities, however that doesn't mean that he lacks them. Carpaccio knows to respect people that he acknowledges are stronger than him, he knows his place. He's divided the world into the weak and the strong, and the only way he can "empathize" with the world is to empathize with the strong.

He understands the feeling of having power over others, he understands the feeling of superiority, of arrogance and confidence. These are the only emotions he Can connect with because he's never been on the side of the weak, he's never felt threatened or hurt.

Also, you have to keep in mind that this society is heavily focused around the concept of the weak and the strong.

The magicless are weak and should be rid of, the strong are ranked by their lines and strength. It should be no surprise that Carpaccio's apathy to the suffering of the weak is initially a core character trait of his, considering his own situation and the society he lives in.

So, so far we've established Carpaccio's base character before any character development. But the good stuff comes after

During his fight with Finn, he's made it clear that Finn disgusts him because he assumes that Finn got in due to his brother's influence (which is not the case). He hates people who put in effort knowing that they will never succeed, because he cannot understand their struggles.

This goes back to empathy and sympathy. Carpaccio has never had to put much effort into anything to get to where he is, and it's not that he's never put in effort into anything at all, but it's not quite the same. I'm sure that he puts effort into his research, but in general, he's never been "weak" enough to face a situation where he will fail.

Also, he was "chosen". All his life, he's been told that he was "chosen", and that's why he is where he is. In this world, there's a heavy emphasis on being chosen by magic or gods or whatever. To Carpaccio, the strong and the weak are determined by them being chosen. Those who were not chosen have no chance of being strong because they weren't chosen to be strong, it's simple.

It also goes to show his logic. Carpaccio's view of the world is so black and white and simple, that he comes off as almost childish. He doesn't have any grasp on how his actions may affect others, and even if he's told so, he can't...connect the dots.

If he hurts someone, then he hurts them. He can't make the connection as to why it would be bad because he was chosen and they were not. He's strong, so he has the right to disregard them.

Because his worldview is made up of the weak and the strong, he thinks that effort is wasted on the weak, and they should stay where they are. He doesn't understand what it means to feel helpless, he doesn't understand why the weak would want to be strong, and he's happy with the status quo he's created in his mind.

This is also why he directly states that people who never succeed and still try their hardest bother him the most. Why does it bother him? Why is someone trying to overcome the position they were born in bother him the most? We can only assume that it is because he views them as a threat.

Someone that challenges his way of thinking and all of his ideologies is something he despises because it is a hit at his own status as someone who was chosen. There's also the fact that he probably just finds them pathetic, because he knows that they'll never amount up to him, and he doesn't want to risk thinking about if they could.

But also, when it comes to pain, Carpaccio does want to feel it. How could he not? It's the one thing in his life that he's never felt, it's his greatest weapon, and yet he doesn't know what it feels like. He can't imagine what it feels like.

Being able to feel pain is the one thing that he cannot understand, so of course he'd want to know about it. However, he's split the world into the strong and the weak, and he's deemed those who are strong to be the only people capable of giving him the pain he wants.

That is why he doesn't like dealing with people he considers weak--they basically don't exist to him. They can't help him get what he wants, and as far as Carpaccio is aware, they're basically a waste of space. Which is a really fucked up and a detached view of the world tbh but on that topic...

Carpaccio himself says that he sees the world as a haze. There is no one he can connect to, no one he can understand completely, and no one who understands him. What he seeks is pain, but beyond that pain, perhaps he doesn't realize it, is a want for connection.

When Mash finally beats the shit out of him, he's finally able to empathize with the weak for the first time in his life. Or rather, perhaps he's beginning to understand that his worldview was kinda fucked up, and the world is not nearly as black and white as he thought.

When Carpaccio is hurt, for the first time in his life he instinctively knows what "hurt" is. This phrase—"it hurts"—repeats in his mind over and over again, and it's really just proof that he's still human as much as he's come to think of himself as above that.

He's reminded of his own humanity, and along with the pain that he can instinctively recognize, comes feelings of fear. He describes pain to be awful and frightening, and for the first time in his life, he can finally empathize with his peers, with everyone that he's ever hurt, because he now understands feelings of pain.

Carpaccio's apathy stems from a place from lack of empathy, but now that he can empathize, the first thing he thinks about is how much he put Finn through. Carpaccio is barely just learning how to understand other people, and the first thing he realizes is how severely fucked up it was that he did all of that to Finn.

These feelings turn into ones of disbelief—because he can't comprehend how someone can endure something so frightening for someone else's sake. As far as we know, Carpaccio is a very selfish person. He does things for his own interest and his own gain.

To endure things for others is unfathomable, and to endure pain, which he now knows to be awful and frightening, is probably just...baffling. Finn is enduring all these terrible things, and it's not even for himself.

Finn has outmatched Carpaccio in terms of endurance and character, and even Carpaccio himself admits to it at the end of the battle because as arrogant as he was, the moment he felt his first taste of pain, he had instantly lost. Like, he didn't even try to get up

He could not continue to fight, even for his pride, simply because...pain was scary.

So what I feel like a lot of people miss is that Carpaccio is the way he is because of the circumstances that he was born in that led him to have a twisted view of the world, but the moment he's able to feel human, when he's able to feel pain and fear, he becomes a lot more normal than you'd think.

(It's not an excuse for his behavior of course, but it is a huge part of his characterization that I feel like people tend to forget.)

After the battle, you can see he's now on good terms with Max, who he formerly beat up. Although it's not explicit, it's kind of implied that he's changing for the better, because Carpaccio is someone who categorizes the weak and the strong, so he would never become friendly with those he considers "weak".

However, by hanging out with Max who he formerly beat up, it goes to show that his perspective is changing. Perhaps his viewpoints haven't instantly changed, but he's seeing strength in those he considers weak, and he's able to properly start forming connections.

In the Mashle fanbook, in Carpaccio's relationship chart, it's pretty hard to translate but there is a specific note towards Finn that basically is him admitting to being impressed with Finn. Like yes Mash did beat him, but he acknowledges that it was Finn's victory as well. Even in the actual battle, his last thoughts regarding the situation were not of Mash, but of Finn and how Finn beat him.

SO WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY AFTER THIS WHOLE GODDAMN ESSAY IS THAT pacciofinn would not be toxic okay 🥺</33 Carpaccio has changed for the better and he actually views Finn positively !!! He did not come out of that fight as a static character, he's had growth !!

It is unfair to his character to say that he'd treat Finn badly or he'd continue to be an asshole even after everything because the thing is that Carpaccio has finally solved his biggest issue. He's finally able to understand people around him, and his research about pain only goes to show that he is interested in people around him now.

He is interested in knowing people and understanding pain in a way that does not mean hurting them and he just happens to be really emotionally constipated and awkward while he's at it </333 like really have u seen him. get a load of his guy

not a damn thought going through that brain of his does he look like he can express normal love and affection and care in a not weird and cryptic (affectionate) manner to u. the last time we saw him smiling it looked wrong on his face.

it looked so wrong that I swore the entire fandom collectively wiped it from their brains and forgot he knew how to smile hence they write him off as a cold asshole incapable of expressing joy as if he isnt like 16 years old and learning emotions for the first time in his life like a newborn deer but anyways whatever im not salty about that why would you think that

This was supposed to be a pacciofinn defense essay but I feel like 90% of the reason why ppl hate pacciofinn is because they don't get Carpaccio's character. Im so okay with ppl hating the ship but I get so petty when its because they mischaracterize Carpaccio like if you can admit that Carpaccio wouldn't mistreat Finn if they got into a relationship and still dislike the ship then okay youre good idc but to EVERYONE ELSE its on sight

Okok but besides from the character analysis, can we take a moment to think about how. Carpaccio's magic allows him to transfer his pain to others and his whole deal is that he can't feel pain and also he's like confident and the top of the grade or whatever.

And meanwhile Finn is unconfident and barely made the cutoff for Easton and his magic allows him to switch places of stuff he wants but MOST IMPORTANTLY his magic has the ability to heal !!!!! THEY R LIKE...FOILS.....YEAH...SO REAL

It also makes it more thematically better that they ended up going head to head and it was Finn(ft. Mash)'s victory like Finn is just living proof of everything Carpaccio doesn't believe in and now he's forced to believe in it.

I also think it's important to consider that Carpaccio acknowledges it to be Finn's win instead of thinking further abt Mash because here's the thing: Mash is the main character. He's magicless, yes, but he also possesses a large amount of power already.

He is, in all sense of the word, "strong". He doesn't let his status as someone without magic deter him from his goals (and that's what makes him so good but this is not a Mash appreciation essay so I'll have to leave that for next time but I love Mash)

Finn on the other hand, is what really embodies Carpaccio's perception of someone "weak". He's not particularly strong in magic, and he's also not physically strong either. He gets scared easily, and he's not so brash that he can confidently jump into battle like the rest of his friends. He needs help, he can't win on his own. But despite this, he had the courage to stand up to Carpaccio.

And by the end of the manga, Finn has acquired 2 lines. The person Carpaccio had considered "weak" went far beyond his expectations and now they have the same amount of lines. However, Carpaccio's respect for Finn did not begin after he acquired 2 lines, but before that when he still had only 1 line and that is so important to me

I don't know where I'm going with this um sorry but to conclude I think you guys should care abt pacciofinn they r so silly to me theyre just two little guys i want them put into a blender

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part four)

Since this is (finally) the last part of this essay and I've already previously mentioned what it will be about, I don't have an introduction to make, but I do think I need to give a couple disclaimers before getting right into this mess. First one: I have a lot of explaining to do because this gets medical again and I can't just assume you all know exactly what I'm talking about and/or to what extent; I hope I won't overexplain or sound condescending. On this same note, I forgot to open part one by explaining that bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness that is treatable through lifelong medication and not necessarily lifelong therapy but not curable because to me that's a given, so sorry if you didn't have much knowledge on the topic and had to read my yapping with little or even no context. Second one: I will be using some words (such as "delusional") that are to be taken literally, in the medical sense. I'm not saying this because I think you are all stupid of course, but to highlight the seriousness of what I've been talking about these past months; it seems to me that lately medical terminology regarding mental health has been watered down a lot by Internet culture to the point of it losing its meaning, with memes about being "delulu 🤪" or reducing mania to dyeing your hair by yourself at 2 AM leading people to not take these things seriously. I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, I like and share those memes too but I've actually been (hypo)manic and delusional in the past so I guess I have the right to joke about it at least. Maybe it's not that serious but I want it to be serious at least here, which is also why I've never referred to episodes as "mood swings". I don't do that in real life either, even when talking to people who don't know much about bipolar disorder, because I've always found the term reductive and misleading: everyone has mood swings, it came free with being a human being. In my opinion it contributes to the misunderstanding of this disorder and the people who have it; no, we are not moody by default and no, we don't change our minds every five minutes or are happy one moment and then suddenly sad the next (seriously, who came up with these stereotypes and how?), but I digress.

This said, let's get down to business. I want to start with one detail that is either one of the most absurd coincidences in the entire history of literature or proof that Dostoevsky was somewhat somehow familiar with bipolar disorder and decided to integrate some things he witnessed in Ivan's character (I guess without knowing, as at the time there was very little understanding of it to the point it wasn't really considered an illness and was referred to as circular insanity and later as manic-depression, which are both cooler names than bipolar disorder but again I digress) because I swear I can't find any other explanation for it: the timeline of The Brothers Karamazov. It might seem like a very small detail, but as soon as I figured out the timeline I thought of fucking course. Now, we all know the timeline of this novel is a little confusing at first as there are almost no indicators of how much time has passed between Alyosha running from one house to another first and shit going down second, but in the first half of the novel we know it all starts in late August and honestly I didn't make anything of it, but then the timeline becomes clearer after Dmitri's arrest and we end up in early November for the trial and I mean, nothing particularly interesting or peculiar about a book covering the events of a (little over) two-month timespan, right? Technically yes, because it's not the amount of time that has passed that matters, but the time of the year: if it all had, for example, taken place from late June to early August or from late December to early February I wouldn't even be talking about it, because there's no seasonal change taking place in those months. August to November, however, is another story. I also find it interesting that it's the change from warm to cold weather, as it's the one that's the hardest for most people (for me personally it's the opposite, the shift from Winter to Spring is a nightmare, but I'm a rare case when it comes to that); I don't really know why, but the seasonal changes are always delicate periods for people with bipolar disorder as they can trigger episodes, I guess it's pretty much the same mechanism that occurs in seasonal depression. So, let me lay the timeline out for you: the Karamazovs reunite in late August, Ivan leaves a few days after, Fyodor is murdered shortly after, so probably in early September and Dmitri is arrested the same night, then Ivan comes back five days later, the trial takes place in early November the day after Pavel hangs himself, and Dmitri is sentenced five days before the story ends with Ilyusha's funeral. This timeline detail seriously drives me insane because all the other puzzle pieces I've been putting together for a while could be related to other disorders/conditions as well, such as schizophrenia (schizoaffective bipolar disorder is a thing too but I don't have it so I can't really say anything about it) and autism (autism and bipolar disorder have a lot in common), or even to just personality, but this? It's a little too oddly specific in my opinion, but I'll just keep assuming it's a coincidence for the sake of my own mental health.

Anyway, this means the story starts when a seasonal change is approaching, which is already a delicate time on its own, and Ivan has to put himself in an unpleasant situation that has a high chance of turning into a shitshow (and it does): going somewhere he wants to leave as soon as possible to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss surrounded by people he doesn't want to deal with. That's not a good start at all and it would be enough to put me, someone who has been medicated for seven years, on edge (and it has in the past); no wonder he's pissed off all the time. And it's only the start since, as we all know, the worst is yet to come. I love that the reader only gets bits and pieces of the build-up of Ivan's episode through the other characters' points of view and I particularly love how said build-up reaches its climax; it doesn't happen when Ivan hallucinates the devil (as it's mentioned he's seen him before and has also had other similar experiences in the past, I'll get into that later), but exactly a moment before that. But first, let's focus on the main build-up moments we see bits and pieces of before that. I was impressed by how realistically the whole thing was portrayed, especially considering that at the time almost everyting about this disorder was unknown; still to this day, in 2024, many people think bipolar disorder is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, with the person being "normal" one day and waking up "crazy" the next like some sort of magic happening overnight, but that's straight up not true, it doesn't happen. Bipolar disorder is way more rational than one would think (very fitting for Ivan, isn't it?) and at times you do have an awful amount of self-awareness but can do nothing with it, it's kind of like being stuck in the passenger seat of a car with a broken steering wheel and broken breaks that's speeding straight against a wall; you know what's happening but can do nothing but watch and hope the crash won't be that painful. And that's how I felt reading too, every time I saw those bits and pieces of Ivan's story I thought oh no it's happening. And Ivan knows it's happening too, as we see in Book Eleven.

I've focused on The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor already, but I have to mention them again because as I've already explained they're such a pivotal point; before that we don't really know what Ivan's deal is, but as soon as we get acquainted (sorry, I had to) with him we start to notice that something's definitely up, and there is one seemingly small detail that I just can't get out of my head: when Ivan gets up and starts walking after his talk with his brother, Aleksej points out to himself that he's swaying a little. Considering it's implied that Ivan has a problem with alcohol (it runs in the family after all) in other occasions too, that's probably an indicator that Ivan had been drinking during his stay. Not only is there a strong link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse (how could there not be? Shit's tough and sometimes you have to self medicate, especially in the 1800s), but alcohol and drugs can trigger episodes or make them worse; Ivan is also once again dealing with everything alone and trust me, that's recipe for disaster. And of course after that the aforementioned metaphorical car does nothing but gain speed and Ivan increasingly becomes angrier, restless and frantic: he has trouble sleeping, he starts isolating himself even more, he talks faster, his thoughts start racing, his speech pattern becomes more and more incoherent and he can't stay still as he's mentioned walking back and forth for seemingly no reason in different occasions; all textbook symptoms. He visibly looks sick too and bipolar episodes are known to take a toll on your physical appearance (I looked like a walking corpse for years) as well as having physical symptoms manifest along the psychological/psychiatric ones, such as headaches caused by stress, which Ivan frequently has, because stress is a major trigger for bipolar disorder (and Ivan is undeniably quite stressed). Sleep also plays a huge role when it comes to bipolar disorder as it can quite literally determine your faith: the the very first sign to watch out for if you feel something might be wrong is a change in sleeping habits; if they start changing significantly it means something's definitely up and you need to intervene as soon as possible (I have prevented episodes from either spiraling or happening at all like that but it takes years of practice). Ivan's sleep schedule, if we can even call it that, during his episode reminds me of my own during an insane (no pun intended?) mixed episode I've had and it makes sense since after every manic episode comes a "crash", and during mixed episodes you can crash back and forth for days; it happened to me. But what is a manic crash? It can be summed up with a simple phrase: what comes up must come down. It's like throwing a ball in the air, it reaches its peak up there and after that it's all downhill until it crashes down on the ground and the higher it goes, harder the crash: if you stay up all night while manic, you'll sleep all day while depressed, the more euphoric you are, the more dysphoric you'll be; so it makes sense for Ivan to sleep more and more as he "comes down". As for the fever, stress can do that. Brain fever is nothing but a 19th century literature thing because it's not a real diagnosis and at the time severe emotional and psychological upset was classified as either that or hysteria, which isn't a real diagnosis either.

Another puzzle piece that fits way too well is that little mention of him tidying his room himself despite having someone to do it for him; I know it's probably thrown in there to highlight his self-isolating independence, but cleaning and tidying are very common (to the point it's almost a cliché) activities to do when you're having a (hypo)manic or mixed episode because they help getting rid of all the extra energy and give you a sense of control over your life; for me it's almost compulsive (compulsions and obsessive thoughts are common in bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder is like three different conditions in a trenchcoat), I've found myself obsessively cleaning my bathroom every day for months and fighting the compulsion to do the dishes even when it wasn't necessary. It's mentioned that Ivan feels the increasing loss of control and is ashamed of it, which brings us to the very important topics, when it comes to him, of self-awareness and control.

I already mentioned it in part one but I want to say it again: control is crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder; something out of your control happening in your life or not having enough control over your symptoms and emotions is enough to send you down (or up) a dangerous path (sounds familiar?). It takes years of treatment to be able to deal with the unexpected and to let go of this control freak attitude, but Ivan is riding this rollercoaster with no seat belt so here we are. I think this reflects best in his attitude when visiting Pavel in the hospital after Dmitri's arrest, when Ivan says he came back from Moscow as soon as possible to fix the mess they all made in his absence. He's particularly keen on letting Pavel know he has no intention of playing games and it's clear he has a no bullshit allowed policy when it comes to his family, which checks out with what I went over in part three: Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household means quiet and order. Ivan definitely has a strong personality and to me it feels like that kind of strong personality one has to develop to stay afloat, and considering Ivan is not comfortable with showing "weakness"...well; I'll get to that later. I don't know if it's a middle child thing because I'm not a middle child but I'm the only diagnosed and medicated person in a family that feels more like an emotional minefield and let me tell you, I've been running that shit like it's the Navy for years and I'm pretty sure I'm the only case of a youngest son with eldest daughter syndrome in human history and yes, it's a bipolar thing. The need for control is so strong that it extends to your surroundings and therefore the people around you; I don't know how to explain it because it's not a manipulation thing, it's an I can't deal with my own emotions so having someone express theirs in an extreme way makes me uncomfortable and I also need a stable environment to not lose my mind so I need to de-escalate any situation that might trigger me thing; it's cleaning up after other people's mess for your own sake. And maybe a little savior complex, at least in my case. Anyway, if Ivan keeps his family stable he keeps himself stable as well, so he has to take matters into his own hands even when it's too late. Damage control is a very important skill if you have bipolar disorder.

I've already been over Ivan's visceral anger so I won't go over it again, but I want to spend a few words for that one part where he punches Pavel: been there done that, and normally I'm not even a violent person. It was a pretty similar situation too: someone had been tormenting me for months while I already wasn't doing good at all, took it too far one day and I just snapped; I didn't even mean to hit that person but it's not something you can gain control over when it gets to that point, so I get where Ivan was coming from and I'll defend him until the day I die.

Since I'm going in chronological order, as you might have already noticed, this means I've finally reached the fun part. Brace yourselves, this is going to be long. I don't have much to say about the whole devil ordeal that hasn't already been said, after all it's the most blatant manifestation of Ivan's mental health status, and I think it's more important to focus on what's around the hallucination rather than the hallucination itself. The first and most important thing I noticed is that Ivan is not scared, and it makes sense for him to not be because the narrator says that situation feels familiar to Ivan, making this the second time it's mentioned by the narrator that Ivan has a past history of both depressive and dysphoric manic (usually referred to as mixed) episodes, which alone qualifies for a formal bipolar disorder diagnosis; now that I think about it I could have just said this instead of making four posts about it, but where's the fun in that? Also I don't have enough information to armchair diagnose this 19th century fictional character with a specific type of bipolar disorder, so I laid out all the relevant information for you to interpet it however you want, if you're familiar with this stuff. I think he could be either bipolar I or bipolar II as there aren't many differences between those two types. For reference, I'm bipolar II (electric boogalo), which is usually mainly depressive and has less intense "ups" (mania when it's bipolar I and hypomania when it's bipolar II, but mania and manic are often used as umbrella terms and I've used them as such in this). Ivan's episode seems more mixed (having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time, I should've explained it earlier, sorry) than purely manic and mixed episodes are more likely to happen in bipolar II and/or to those who start having symptoms in adolescence regardless of type and I think that checks out (go to part two for that). However, hallucinating a whole person and having conversations with them is a pretty big deal and my own hallucinations are nothing like that, usually hearing noises such as knocks on my door or seeing shadows or bugs at the corner of my eye and things looking slightly off and changing in shape and size; nothing big that I can interact with and I can easily ignore that the rare times it happens. Wikipedia says that any kind of hallucination classifies as mania, but my psychiatrists obviously know I've hallucinated in the past and still haven't changed my diagnosis so don't trust Wikipedia I guess, probably because my hypomanic episodes have never significantly impaired my ability to function (like they haven't significantly impaired Ivan's; trust me, he could be doing much worse). There is a lot of nuance that Internet articles lack in my opinion.

Anyway, let's go back to focusing on how Ivan feels: he's not scared, but he is exhausted and desperate. And it's heartbreaking. Not the hardest part of The Brothers Karamazov for me to read, not at all actually, but way too familiar. Ivan, who has a strong personality and a no bullshit allowed policy, who usually speaks in a firm voice and who refused to get help even if he knew his mental state was getting worse, breaks down (in private, of course) and begs and pleads; please leave me alone, shut up. He goes back and forth between desperation and rage (very mixed episode of him) and what struck me the most is how harsh his words are: almost every time the devil says something, Ivan replies with an insult or even more in a row. Yes, it's not that atypical of him considering how he talks and refers to Pavel or Dmitri, but it's, again, heartbreaking because he's never acted like that with them (or even with his father) and he knows the devil is actually himself. He's reserving his worst words, his worst attitude, his most burning and consuming rage and hatred, for himself. And he knows that. Worst thing of all to me is that at some point he covers his ears to not hear the devil, his own thoughts, and I've done that. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud that they seem to come from an outside source and covering your ears comes naturally. It obviously doesn't work. I have many other thoughts about Ivan's devil but they don't have much to do with bipolar disorder so maybe I'll write another post in the future if I feel like it. Also honorable mention to the thrown glass because apparently I've done something similar once even if I genuinely don't remember it at all (bipolar disorder also causes memory loss so you barely rememeber your episodes, it's kind of like trying to recall the events of a party you got drunk at, we're not getting into that though).

Maybe I see Ivan's story and character as less dark and tragic than the average reader does, because to most people constantly walking up and down restless with racing, out of control, incoherent thoughts and experiencing delusions and hallucinations is understandably a terrifying experience, but for me up until a couple years ago that was just a random Tuesday. I mean it is terrifying but you get used to it, after a while you understand the twisted logic bipolar disorder operates under and it becomes less scary (still is at times) and more annoying, you try to keep up with your meds and manage your symptoms as best as you can and just go on with your life while still trying to fight it when/if you can (it's less depressing than how I'm describing it I swear, I really don't know how to convey that feeling). I don't see myself as a walking tragedy or as doomed (anymore), mental illness is just mundane to me and so is to Ivan; I think Dostoevsky did a marvelous job at portraying just how uneventful it can feel from the inside and we see it the contrast between what's happening to Ivan and his reaction to it and also between the other characters' perception of him and his own perception of himself. There is nothing other than concern coming from his loved ones, no judgment, they acknowledge that he's unwell and they usually refer to him as such; Ivan on the other hand refuses to and therefore refuses to take care of himself or, God forbid, let others take care of him. He knew an episode was approaching, but as long as he was physically okay his mental state didn't matter to him. Ivan's biggest flaw is that he's independent and self-absorbed (for lack of a better word) in an unhealthy, negative, bipolar way and it only fuels his anger: the only valid judgment and opinion of himself is his own and he doesn't have a positive view of himself. The devil tells him the people at the trial will pity him and Ivan snaps; he doesn't want to be pitied, he doesn't want to be seen as "weak" because he has internalized refusal for "weakness" and "cowardice" (he asks himself if he's a coward in different occasions, sometimes straight up calling himself that). How could he not have internalized it? He was neglected growing up and as an adult he always seems to be held at an impossible standard due to the way his personality was forced to develop, from being expected to keep the peace between the Karamazovs to even after his father is brutally murdered; at the trial Ippolit Kirillovič says that if Ivan was so sure of his brother's innocence, why didn't go to the police after Smerdyakov's confession? To them that must mean said confession never happened and that Dmitri is the murderer, but in reality Ivan (poor thing) didn't go because he was delusional and thought the two of them were going to confess together the following day. People expect him to be able to think straight and fix his family's mess even when he can't. And still, he doesn't break down even at the trial: he's firm even in his delirium, he never falters, his voice never breaks, he's determined and strong like he's expected to be, even if the others can't see it. He does the right thing for himself, not caring about anyone else's opinion, and in a sense he's some sort of modern Cassandra, cursed to tell the truth without being believed by those who can save his family (and in some versions of Cassandra's myth she goes mad due to witnessing the fall of Troy). He never cries; there's only one mention of him crying in the whole novel and contrary to other characters crying, it's not something we are told by the narrator himself but it's thrown in a conversation between Katya and Alyosha by Katya. Ivan only cried in private, in front of the person who insisted to take care of him. This talk about his relationship with "weakness" and the (partial) act he puts up definitely makes more sense in relation to part three and I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Speaking of the trial, I was struck by the attention brought to the Karamazovs', as a whole, ability to see and navigate through two opposite abysses. Dostoevsky, what the hell? Does it mean what I think it means? I don't know, but it sure is a familiar image to me and Dmitri does seem to walk the fine line between regular human behaviour and diagnostic criteria, but I don't have many thoughts about that, it could be anything really, mostly because none of them are actual real people. My own interpretation of those characters is more "literal" even if I know they're just tools to convey certain topics and messages and if you want to get more symbolic with them please do, I'd love to read it. Honestly I like the idea of a character with a heavily emotion-driven arc such as Ivan having a disorder that fucks with one's emotions so much; also seeing someone behaving like me being treated with tact and a particular kind of sensitivity by the other characters and the author himself is so special to me (at least considering the historical context, I mean they could've just thrown him in a madhouse and called it a day but nobody even thought about doing that) because uhm...I didn't receive such kindness growing up.

There are many characters from other books, movies, and shows that I love and relate to but have never seen as bipolar coded in any way, they were just relatable, but Ivan hits different as he's the first character I've seen that is so unapologetically bipolar. I've watched shows and movies with characters that canonically have bipolar disorder and even they can't hold a candle to him (let bipolar people or at least people who are familiar with them write bipolar characters I'm begging you). There isn't a single character from The Brothers Karamazov that I hate or even dislike (yes, not even Fyodor, he's not a good person but he's a good character) and all the brothers are special to me, but I just can't help having this soft spot for Ivan, I want to give him a hug and my meds.

I'm not really going to talk about Ivan's ending because while I do obviously have things to say, they don't belong here. I just want to say that him having an open and uncertain ending (I love open and uncertain endings) even more than the other characters do is very fitting.

And that's a wrap! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope this was an interesting and maybe even educational (there's a lot of ignorance regarding bipolar disorder and I try to raise awareness every time I can) read, but most of all I hope I managed to make sense. I like this part more than part three because I wrote it after surviving the seasonal change while during part three I was in the trenches but oh well, the past is past. No notes on part one and two, those are good I guess. Also I've said variations of been there done that a ridiculous amount of times in this whole thing but my Twitter display name is Ivan Karamazov kinnie for a reason. And I won't apologize for the shitty jokes by the way.

See you soon* with other literary analysis!

*= don't rely on my words too much, it could be tomorrow like it could be in ten years

[hamausagi]

omfggg jake your critique on the omori manga was SO GOOD i agree with everything. i read it on twt bc the platform it was officially released on isn't available in my country and i was like 😦❓️warning long ass yap ahead, you don't have to reply to this AKDKSKD i just wanted to say ur post hit all the points i was thinking of as well

i was sososo excited for the manga when it was announced, and now that i read it im kinda like. Hm. the art style is gorgeous, but 100% agreed on the way they depicted the characters in the real world because they look so young 😭 like wtf aubrey is supposed to look intimidating when the player first meets her [as a stark contrast to her headspace personality] but then she lirerally looks 12 (like you said) 💀 also this might just be a me thing but i always imagined that sunny would be very expressionless in the real world until the end of the game, like how he has the neutral sprite the entire time until he finally looks scared in the basil fight & cries in the hidden ending cutscene. but the sunny in the manga feels so grounded and human (which might sound like an insane thing to say but hear me out), which i feel kinda undermines the fact that he's disassociating like 99% of the time and also has not been outside + talked to ppl in literal years. it deadass looks like him and kel going out is a regular occurrence for him 🕴

AND THE PACING AUGHHSKWKKDA IT MAKES ME SO MAD 😭😭😭 the entire first chapter is so disorganised and clunky it makes zero sense unless you have alrdy played the entire game. i kept rereading bc it felt like everything was happening so fast and i was wondering if i missed panels 💀 it felt like they couldn't decide what approach the manga should take, like whether it should be a horror story or one abt friendship when the beauty of omori is that it blends both of those (in extremely nuanced ways) so seamlessly. there's like random ass jumpscare panels that don't even make sense and why the fuck is the headspace sequence at the end 😭😭😭???!(£&+(£&@(*£ that's supposed to be the prologue!!!!!!! before we meet everyone irl!!!

as for characterisation i genuinely dk wtf was going on 😭 aubrey whacking basil with the bat was so crazy i was like HUH??? and then sunny just fucking slashed her 😭⁉️ it makes them seem absolutely deranged bc there's zero context, and the whole point of sunny attacking aubrey is to show the player that it still hasn't clicked for him that he's in the real world now and he can't just use a fucking knife on people 💀 also the fact that in game it's depicted as a battle cutscene, once again showing how detached he is from reality. connecting back to my earlier point abt how he seems so grounded here, in the manga it looks like he just purposefully decided to stab aubrey when that isn't something he'd do at all?!?!?!

but okay ill shut up here, omfg im so sorry i yapped so much 💀 a Lot of thoughts abt this manga fr,,, honestly disappointed and definitely would not recommend it to fans or non-fans 😭

YES. OMG. QUILL YOU GET IT !!!!! IM SO SO GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND I 10000% AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID

AND DONT APOLOGIZE FOR YAPPING I MISS YAPPING ABT OMORI WITH YOU SO BADDDDDD 😭😭😭

i also really like the artstyle, i think its very well drawn ESPECIALLY the horror elements but yeah, the style just doesn't super scream OMORI to me..... if yk what i mean 😭 AND I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOURE SAYING ABT SUNNY'S EXPRESSION. he has WAY too much emotion and i wish i thought to touch on that in my essay (lol) but seriously yeah. i'm SO glad they left him as a silent protag, but my god. to me in the game he's always been really emotionless since we literally NEVER see anything besides his sprite (unless in battle, but im not counting that rn bc its a lot different than the dialogue facecards we get for other characters) but that super duper bothered me as well IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE HE JUST GOES OUT WITH KEL ALL THE TIME LIKE DAWG THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THE SUN HAS TOUCHED U IN 4 YEARS. BSFR

the pacing is RIDICULOUSLY clunky and weird AND YEAH ME TOO I ALSO KEPT TRYING TO GO BACK AND SEE IF I MISSED STUFF ??? like there was just so much happening on each page and it was so goddamn fast that i was literally like "whoa" YKWIM ?? like specifically that one panel i put in my post where he randomly went up to the bathroom just to open the door, see Something, and then suddenly leave but also there is barely ANY context as to why he's suddenly up at the bathroom ?? like obvi WE know bc we played that but in game the screen got all wobbly when we needed to throw up the steak but in the manga its like wtf is going on ???

ANF UAGGHGGHSB I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON ABT THE CHARACTERIZATION BRO. the whole last few pages were absolute DOGWATER bc it literally makes them look just weirdly violent with NO context bc its exactly like you said, SUNNY DOESNT KNOW. the whole point of that first battle was to show how detached sunny is from real life. he doesn't realize that slashing her with a knife is going to have real consequences. AND THE BEST PART ABT THE GAME IS THAT NEITHER DOES THE PLAYER !!!! we forget after hours and hours of headspace (AND using sunny's knife attack as a primary damage dealer, MIGHT I ADD) HAS REAL DANGERS AND CONSEQUENCES. like theres SOOO much cool storytelling there and it's all lost on the manga bc theres just no baseline for the reader to be like whoaaaa thats WEIRD. bc my first impression upon seeing aubrey, as was most likely yours and all the other players, was WHAT THE HELL. but the ruined her in the manga. i can literally go on and on about this forever and ever