#honestly I'm glad we won't be seeing this in the GPs

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

idk if this is like. standard practice for gender clinics. but the gender clinic i went to is inside an lgbtq sexual health clinic and they were like "okay so our gender service use the same system as our sexual health system which means the normal nhs can't see it. they can't get to your records. they only know what we tell them. this goes for your gp but also the bosses at nhs england"

like honestly given everything yeah i'm glad to have confidential gender (although tbh i copy my gp in on everything so it won't stay that way) but it's... sad? somehow? that the systems are so hostile that even the people within those systems have to protect you from the rest of it

[iplaywithstring]

In 2020 my daughter (then 13) told me she had been looking at some stuff and she thought she might have ADHD. I had not considered this possibility before she brought it up, but with about 5 minutes of reflection, it made sense. We were already running on the assumption that my husband (her dad) has ADHD and our home had a lot of adhd-friendly ways of doing life and honestly some signs (time blindness, fidgeting, hobby-hopping, distraction) were overlooked.

Being that it was 2020, everything was slowed down and backed up, but being people with privilege, we were able to pay for a private psychologist to do a full assessment. It took about 3 months and ended up with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis and an evaluation that boiled down to "she probably has ADHD but she does really well in school so deal with the anxiety first and see if that fixes things". Took that to our GP, who basically said "I don't know what to do with this" and prescribed Prozac, which increased her anxiety so we stopped it and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist.

It took almost 18 months to get the appointment - meanwhile she had no supports, no treatment, and no follow up from her GP. At that appointment, the Dr revised her diagnosis - she absolutely has ADHD, but she's good at school, so no need to treat it. However, because she didn't respond well to the prozac and she "gets really sad sometimes" (that was actually the question he asked, no probing, or clarifying, just "do you feel really sad sometimes", to a 15 year old!), prescribed a mood stabilizer because she might have a mood disorder (bi-polar disorder). My husband (who was there for the appointment - I wasn't able to go) was so shocked and confused he just said thank you and left.

We did not fill the prescription for the mood stabilizer. No issues with taking medication when needed, but she showed no signs of excessive mood swings - she had also just had her first break up a couple weeks before the appointment. While waiting for the follow up (where I planned to advocate for treatment for the actual thing he said she had, not the theoretical maybe thing she might struggle with) I saw ads for a private clinic specifically for ADHD diagnosis and treatment. I was nervous - I've got medical trauma (it comes with chronic illness) and did not want to be seen as shopping around for pills for my kid, or ignoring medical advice, or any of the other things that would make getting her treatment more difficult.

So my husband went first - made an appointment, filled out the forms, got a diagnosis and treatment plan. It was so easy and affirming and validating for him, and since starting the treatment he's been so relaxed! He might also be able to stop his anxiety meds (he also has a GAD diagnosis, which might be wrong based on how inattentive type ADHD works).

My daughter had her first appointment this week, it felt so good. She was heard and understood. Her experience and struggles weren't overlooked. She was validated. The NP doing the appointment even mentioned how it's harder for intelligent kids to get diagnosed because they are able to mask so well and too many people just look at school performance. She has a follow up next week to go over a treatment plan. The NP even said she would look at medications not in pill form as my daughter has issues swallowing pills.

I can't express how excited I am. She's 16 now, in grade 11, and things have been so much harder on her in the last year. I'm hopeful that between the treatment plan and coaching, the transition to university will be gentle and she won't face the same breakdown so many people (especially women) with ADHD go through in early adulthood. I'm hopeful this will help her to see her strengths and to not feel so overwhelmed and broken most of the time.

It took far too long and was much more difficult (and expensive!!!!) than it should have been to get to this point, but I am so glad we have a plan now and that she feels good about it!

[annieintheaair]

One day you'll just wake up laughing like did that even happen. No way out, only way is through.

We ended up having a lot of fun after I signed off last week. I got home super late and struggled to function all day Sunday but it was worth it. I watched church online and accomplished pretty much nothing all day but I'm working on allowing myself to rest when I need to.

Monday I got stuck in major traffic heading home from work. My GPS told me to go a different way because of an accident that shut down the highway that I take home. The alternate route ended up taking me an hour anyway so by the time I got home, I had just enough time to shower and rush out the door to go to the hair salon for content day.

I spent a few hours at the salon taking pictures for their social media pages, which was kind of fun and I am excited to see them posted over the next 6 months. It was actually really draining though so I was glad to go home and rest for the remainder of the day.

Tuesday morning I made it to a yoga class that I hadn't been to in over a year. It was nice to be back in that studio and feel like I was creating a new routine. In the afternoon, I went to see my therapist and it felt very mixed when I had to choose three emotions that I had felt over the last week.

Wednesday morning I made the decision to go to my first pilates class in a very long time. I am still feeling the aftermath of it because it was an intense workout. I'm hoping to make it to at least 3 pilates classes per week now.

Even though I had hoped to find a trip to work Wednesday night, it was actually nice to be off. I went to students and then had time at home to relax before bed. I never really mind going to work at night but on the nights that I get to be home, I enjoy them even more since they're so far and few.

Thursday morning I made it to bible study and a lot of the women in my group couldn't make it so it was super small. I almost didn't make it, too, since I was busy putting out fires at my other job and ended up being a few minutes late.

After bible study, I was really craving matcha from White Rhino and decided to stop and get a bagel from my favorite bagel place, too. I finished out the day with work but found time to go to yoga before that.

Friday was such a relief since I knew I'd be off that night. I went to yoga in the morning and then went to the nail salon for a mani/pedi. I got home just in time for my new phone delivery since it required a signature.

Shinayde and Brent came over in the evening and we went to Oktoberfest. It was fun and we ended the night drinking frozen margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. Back at my house, we played games until about 2am.

Saturday morning they headed home and I was supposed to go to my community group but I really wasn't feeling it. Instead, I allowed myself a slow start and then ran some errands. Around 5pm, Julie and I got an Uber and went to Tupps Oktoberfest, which was fun except for the fact that they ended up cutting off food sales since they couldn't keep up with the demand. We went to The Yard instead and got some appetizers there before heading home for the night.

Surprisingly, I woke up around 8am today, got ready, and went to church at 9:30am. When I got home, I attempted to finish setting up my new phone and then ended up without service on either phone, which required a trip to the Verizon store. They were able to restore service to my new phone but now my watch won't connect and I'm wondering if it's because it's too old. I checked online to see the status of my new one and it says it's supposed to be available for pickup this week. Hopefully, that's true since I kind of need my watch for work.

I stopped at Dilla's on the way home to get a quesadilla for lunch. It was really good and I'm honestly shocked that I've lived near Dilla's for a very long time and never tried it.

It has been somewhat of a lazy afternoon, just relaxing and going to yoga tonight before work. I could honestly use a nap at this point but part of me wants to go to the pool and soak up one of the last pool days of the season (who am I kidding, it's still 100 degrees).

xoxo

Annie

[dzpenumbra]

2/12/23

Today was really disappointing. I was going to say emotional, I typed it out and everything, but honestly, I've had much more emotional days than today this week. This was just... disappointing and hurtful and... full of things going wrong. Like a Murphey's Law kinda day.

I was up until about 2 because my upstairs neighbors were stomping around and talking really loud. Like... "if I paid attention I could likely have eavesdropped their entire conversation" loud. And that wasn't the end of the world, I got to bed at a decent-ish hour and got to sleep quickly. I had vivid dreams, but I don't remember them, maybe I'm overdue for dream journaling again? Hmm...

However... I was woken up at... 8 AM. By the same people. Again, stomping around and carrying on at full volume. On a Saturday morning. I tried to go back to sleep and failed. I made some cereal and went downstairs and passed out in the comfy chair for a bit.

Once I woke up rested, I started the day with some yoga. It was absolutely punishing. I was dripping sweat. I couldn't even do two of the poses because my hands and feet couldn't grip because they were too sweaty. It was really good in the end and I'm glad I did it, but man, that was super intense. I'm not sure if I like that kind of like.. really fast paced yoga. I dunno, it's the same thing but it just feels like... frantic, I guess.

Welp, once that was over I was just... starving. Even after my early breakfast and gigantic dinner last night. I got more food and sat on the floor, ate and watched the Subnautica playthrough. I wanted to stretch my hips out while eating, I think all this sitting in a chair all the time is really what fucked up my hips, neck and back. So I want to try sitting on the floor more. And it kept me from like... losing track of time sitting there and watching for 2 hours.

I hit the showers, then went straight to fill out my disclosure consent form so my new GP (who I have known a total of 15 minutes) can talk to my therapist about my potential ADHD screening. It took no time at all and I got it done. Then I went and finished writing an email to my old therapist to see if he would be willing to consult on all of this in some capacity, just to get as many good people on my bench as possible. Then, when I finally felt comfortable sending that, I looked at the clock and it was 4:30 PM. I was like... "shit, I better make sure I get to the health center before they close", so I checked their hours. They closed at noon. I was given this form on the 6th. And I had this whole plan how I was going to drop this form off and have a super productive day and then drop by any thrift shop or Goodwill or anything I could find and no matter what come home with a bookshelf or a worktable. And... everything just completely fell flat.

All of the places I wanted to go to were going to close at 5, or were closed already. Health Center won't be open again until monday. I was just... my motivation just crashed. And I blamed myself.

I got really upset with myself for somehow losing time, somehow letting the whole day get away from me. I couldn't place it. I had no idea where the time went, I was getting upset. But I was also really hungry still... I have no idea why I've been so damn hungry today. So I made ramen just to carry me to dinner, emergency shit food. And as I was nuking the ramen, my mom called.

After a little bullshit small-talk about like... problems in the workforce in my country right now, and the blatant disregard for quality of life and shit like that... eventually we got past all that... and I started to really explore for the first time where my time went today. And I do that just as authentically with others as I do with myself. I get very frustrated and very hurt and confused. I lament about how I don't know how I can improve if I don't know why this keeps happening, or even what is happening. I don't know how I can go from starting yoga at noon - yoga is 20 minutes, then eat food... probably 30 mins... then shower... 30 mins... then fill out a form that is literally two addresses and a signature... and then add a paragraph to an email and proofread it... and then POOF, it's fucking 4:30 PM. Like... do the math. 20+30+30+15? = 95 mins? Just over an hour and a half? So... am I supposed to believe that I was proofreading that email for 3 fucking hours? Am I supposed to believe I was only able to write one paragraph in that email in 3 hours, and I write this every night and it rarely takes me longer than an hour? Like... please, please tell me at least one other person would be freaked out by that.

The first time I started consciously noticing lost time like that, I assumed I was just blacking out and didn't notice it or something. I had zero proof of this because I lived alone, I just had no other explanation. And I told the Counseling Center in my town my theory, I trusted them with that, and... without any confirming stories or tests, they diagnosed me with epilepsy and put me on anticonvulsants and mood stabilizers.

So... this is a problem that goes pretty far back. And it affects my ability to function in society, as I'm sure one could imagine. And all I want is to just find out what is happening. Did I get distracted by something and I don't remember? Did I hyper-fixate on the email and proofread it over and over and over dozens of times, and it just felt like a couple times? Did I fall asleep sitting up and not notice or something? Like... I legit have no idea how that big of a span of time is just... gone. It freaked me out.

What's worse for today... not just that scenario happening... but talking about it with my mom... she just had no idea how I was reacting to it or why. No clue. She tried to offer to call doctors' offices for me and figure out forms and stuff, which is kind of course and... not really... the problem? Like not even the same ballpark as the problem? I tried so hard to communicate that, but like... she just wasn't getting it. And I just kept repeating over and over how overwhelmed I was by the concept and how I just wanted to know what happened, and "isn't it weird?", and shit like that. And she seemed like she was just standing there like "which bag do you want me to carry in from the car?", not like... actually genuinely concerned about this problem and wanting to investigate it.

Not to mention... after like an hour of that, the impostor syndrome starts kicking in, convincing me that I have no real proof that I'm not subconsciously faking this entire thing. And I'm pestering all these doctors and shit to give me meds that I don't even really want to take for a condition I haven't been diagnosed with since George W. Bush was in office. --- some college kids were running in the hallway outside my apartment being really loud, it's 2:15 AM. I started grumbling and muttering. Oh god, I don't need to be that guy, they're just having fun, it's a weekend! I said to myself, "those are the people posting on the local subreddit," and it made me chuckle, because it's most likely true. A lot of college kids around here.

So yeah, my freaking out led to my mom doing what she calls "trying to fix it", and then fighting with me when I tell her that her solution doesn't even address my problem. After at least 2 hours of that confusion and frustration, we came back around and she helped me explore my theories. I'm just trying to figure out what this underlying thing is underneath my depression, trauma and anxiety. My... emotional overwhelm. The thing that makes me look at tasks around the house and go "that's way too big". Like... okay. PTSD/trauma stuff is... associative, it's trigger-based. I used the skate park in an example with my mom, so I'll use that here, probably not for the first time. So I've thought long and hard about it and I do not have any trauma associated with the skatepark. Anxiety? It's honestly easier when I'm in-the-field. I've said for a while, my anxiety is mostly about the anticipation, the build-up. I can just hit "Go Live" on OBS and I'll be fine after the first 30 seconds. I can handle being in a conflict with a good friend and stay calm. I can handle being lost in the woods when it's getting dark in the winter on a trail I've never been on before, while my therapist I'm with is freaking out about getting stranded. And those aren't just puffing out my chest and bragging, that's legitimate confidence in my ability to handle those situations, and well-founded too. Those are skills I do actually have. And Depression? Depression saps my confidence battery. My motivation and my confidence. Depression is a shitty voice in my head that I'm pretty sure is a driving force behind the impostor syndrome stuff... that kind of effect. But what is getting me... is like... the scope.

This was what I was having a hard time articulating. The scope of these emotions. Some days the exact same issue - going to the skatepark - is like... "well duh, sure I'll go." And some days it's "that would take moving mountains, and the payoff is peanuts." That's what I kept saying, huge investment, little payoff. And what I've been suspecting is that the emotional overwhelm component... the scope of the emotional impact... and how the emotional overwhelm can completely incapacitate me... that feeds the others.

Even now, I feel like I'm full of shit. I feel like I'm looking for a fucking ghost. I feel like I just have PTSD, anxiety and depression mixing together and that's just what it feels like for me, and that's just that. That I struggle to go to the skatepark because of low self-esteem, because I'm anxious people will judge me or something. But like... I'm not. Like... I would say that here if I was, honest. I really don't give that much of a shit, it doesn't register so high on my radar that I'm going to straight up not skate at all, or avoid the skatepark. It just feels like a titanic undertaking to do this task, and it feels like the payoff better be worth the investment. And the investment looks huge and the payoff looks small. So... why is the investment huge? Why is it this whole big thing to go to the skatepark?

It's been years and I still don't have a clear answer for that. And people just treat me like I'm being defiant, like I'm being difficult and deliberately making my life harder. It's an emotional thing. It feels difficult. It feels complex. Like doing the dishes.

Oh my god, I've figured this out before. I've heard people talking about this. Wow, this is a cool moment. So... a thing that happens sometimes... often, I should say... is that once I get started on the dishes or cleaning the bathroom sink or something? I just... I mean, while I'm up... I'll just clean the countertop too... I'll just wipe down the mirror... and then one thing can turn very quickly into laying on my belly on the floor scrubbing dirt out of the grout around the bathtub for an hour. Am I trying to like... be careful about that? To make sure I have a detailed plan or someone around to make sure that I don't get lost or distracted in something? Or am I just used to small things getting inflated into things much much bigger? I don't know, I felt a connection to that.

Agh.

This is what I'm saying, like... I'm too biased to be able to judge this. Yet... I live alone, and have for a very long time, so I have zero perspective to confirm or deny any of my theories. Like... I've come to embrace that I will never have a normal life, but like... I need to figure out some of these things so I can have a more functional life. If I set aside 4 hours to proofread an email... just in case, because "remember what happened last time, and no one will check in to like... snap you out of it"... I'm just going to have to dedicate half a damn day to... sending one email. That's a problem.

It came back up today, my mom thought I was kidding... or like... being melodramatic or something... but I said it 100% serious. If I was smoking cigarettes still I would likely not have this problem. I had myself trained to get up and go outside every... 2 hours or so? Even if I didn't want to smoke, I would drop whatever I was doing and go take a smoke break. If I was still smoking, the email situation would not have happened. And the stimulants in them would likely be helping me focus my thoughts more, as well. I was bummed to come to that conclusion. That, currently, it would be significantly better for my mental health to take up smoking again after over a year off of them (after 18 years of smoking) than for me to be pursuing ADHD meds prescribed from a doctor. Something is not right with that.

I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's stressing me out. I don't have answers here and I'm just tired.

Later in the conversation, we had another... episode. She went off on me. Over something really stupid. I was upset the post office was charging me to forward my mail. I was venting. I felt like the post office kinda has a monopoly on physical mail, and i thought it was a government service? But apparently it's just a private service, despite everyone being required to have a physical mailing address for like... literally anything - a job, an ID, proof of residence, etc. Like, to be a legal citizen you need to have a mailing address... but that mailing address is owned by a private company that has no competition. I don't know, it was weird to me. And fuck me for asking questions on that, because I got laid out for it. And I don't want to get into that, of course. It's not my problem to discuss, I was just on the other side of it.

But what I will mention is that I did a good job of saying very outright when the conflict went way too far, and expressed that I would have to leave if things continued that way. Boundaries, I set really firm boundaries today. And they were kinda... not taken seriously at first, but after a bit it seemed to register. So that was good. And she did regain control of her self after a bit, which is very good progress, and we discussed options on how to reflect on that and address it.

So... not all shit today... just... everything went wrong.

So I made fried rice from scratch after. And my canned peas that I left open in the fridge were off... and I said fuck it and washed them and put them in anyway because they really make the meal. So... hopefully that wasn't Murphey's Law too.

I am completely emotionally drained, and I'm actually having trouble keeping my eyes open. Bed is screaming my name.

[anewbeginningagain]

So I took one for the team and watched the RDs of Kagapol and team nepotism #1 2.0 (Morozov and her new partner) and let me tell you - Russians do not know how to do latin programs, both programs were horrible, Morozov is still a very bad skater who just serve face (still scored like 81 lmao) and while Kagapol had a few nice moments and have potential (and crazy speed), their skating was messy af. 

It also unberable to watch how the broadcast always highlight the coaches as if their are not abusive piece of shit. Krylova who drives her female skaters into disordered eating, Sivin and Zhuk who only gives a shit about the male skaters in their groups and who threw Sofia Shevchenko like trash when she was struggling and split up Shanaeva /Naryzhnyy so he can skate with Morozov’s daughter and they will coach them and again threw Shanaeva out like she doesn’t matter.

 No one cares about female skaters in Russia unless they are nepotism kids.

[clatterbane]

I wasn't too happy to get woken up by a call just a little while ago. Especially since it looked like probably a wrong number?

I couldn't imagine why else somebody would apparently be calling from a local Subway? 🤔

But, no! I ended up being extra super glad I answered anyway.

Maybe they're Subway like we keep getting calls for the custom blinds business which had our newish landline number before us? Who knows.

But yeah, it was someone from our usual, closest hospital calling to finally give me another gastroscopy appointment!

Apparently, I have indeed been stuck in the NHS's infamous Waiting List Limbo. Mr. C also just said that, from what he could see of the report from the last Stent Installation Fail appointment, on the nurse's screen when we were last at the GP's? There may have also been some further communication fail helping gum up the works. 😒 I couldn't see it from where I was sitting, and she only printed out the last page for me to see. (Where a couple of other options were mentioned, which were indeed never brought up to me.)

The last we were told, my next appointment was supposed to be scheduled sometime in November. When services were still running as normal. But, for whatever reason? Not so much. This is the first I have heard from anyone about it.

So yeah, in the meantime, with the latest Plague Resurgence, which has been especially bad locally?

Once again: Non-urgent appointments postponed at BHRUT due to Covid increase. Where Barking, Havering and Redbridge University Hospitals NHS Trust does indeed cover some of the hardest hit London boroughs. 🙃 And AFAICT all specialist appointments/services are run out of hospitals under this system, for extra fun.

According to the person who called, they're just not doing outpatient diagnostics at all at our local hospital for now. Which covers all endoscopy. Thus, the appointment at the other hospital in the trust.

As for endoscopy services?

As of 21 December, we are only carrying out cancer and urgent diagnostic endoscopies –  these will all take place at King George Hospital, within the private sector or diagnostic hubs.

So, at least they are indeed classifying this as "urgent", which is honestly a huge relief. I mean, you would hope so if someone is having severe difficulty swallowing anything--which is kinda important to continued life--but yeah.

I have no clue what they are even planning to do. I was very surprised to hear that other options--including surgery! 😵--were even being discussed. I'm just the patient, why would anyone tell me anything, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And of course the people calling to inform you of appointments have no idea other than it's for endoscopy (or whatever), unlike at the kinds of specialist offices I was used to back home. I learned pretty quickly not to even ask.

So yeah, hopefully they won't spring a "surgery, or no swallowing for you!" on me. 🙄 We'll have to see. No use worrying about it now. (They say, worriedly...)

At least they will hopefully do another extremely unpleasant balloon dilation again, like last time after that defective stent wouldn't open up properly. That may not keep my esophagus more usable for longer than a few weeks afterward, but that's still a few weeks of hopefully being able to eat something other than thin liquids! Which is way better than I've been doing for almost 2 months now.

Oh yes, besides the short notice gastroscopy appointment, for next Wednesday? Of course I need to go for another (likely drive through only! 😬) COVID swab test 3 days before the appointment. Which means...the Sunday right before a bank holiday? 🤔

Maybe during the current crisis, they are indeed keeping that testing center open 7 days a week? Again, who knows. Somebody else is supposed to call me to tell me when to go. At some point before Sunday?

They just won't do the procedure without clean test results in hand, for pretty obvious reasons.

There's no way in hell we're going to get any medical passport appointment letter to show them at the testing center in the meantime. At least I still have the detailed instruction papers from the last time, unless they have switched procedures up a lot. I have serious doubts we'll get the letter for the endoscopy appointment beforehand, with Royal Mail currently working at a crawl.

Honestly, I have so many questions at this point. But, hopefully things will somehow work out. And I will hopefully be able to eat something again? *fingers crossed*

[topconfessions]

Glad you're back hun, hope everything will go smooth from now on💕

Have you listened to Normani's Wild Side? I'm honestly very disappointed. After 2 years she came out with something so lackluster. The choreo is insane, but that's probably the only thing good about it. And a cool dance won't help if people justen listen to this boring song. I'm not really into that whole hypersexual thing so I was a bit put off by that. What bothers me is that you can't criticize her music, without being called colorist, racist etc. I get she's been through a lot of shit but she's not above criticism. It makes me wonder why she's being treated like a charity case, everyone has to be extra nice to her? Twitter and Normani herself (she literally called herself a culture reset) are trying to paint her to be the next big superstar, but I don't think it's gonna happen. She and Chloe are trying too hard to be a mini-Beyoncé and we don't need another one, when we still have the OG. Both try too hard and don't have the IT factor. And their music can't back up their confidence. But I also don't think it's going to be Doja, her hype mainly comes from having bops on Tik Tok, once the app declines, her hype is also going down (and also if the gp finds out she works with Dr. Luke lmao).

Thank you so much hun. I am taking more time to relax and will be careful at work from now on and if it doesn't pan out I'll politely quit or just let it ride out.

YES!!!! tbh on LSA they were talking about this a lot. She's just not it. She reminds me sooo much of Minzy from 2ne1. Just not mean to be a performer and pop star in this manner. The sexy concept does not work for her, it's distracting from her voice and lack of charisma, it does nothing and adds to nothing plus I hate that she got full on naked cause I saw her EVERYTHING from the back and side then at the very end you can see her nipples through the white mesh top very clearly. I wasn't even looking at it or trying to (straight female here) but it was that apparent. I hate this norm now that if you are a black female entertainer you need to be overly hyper sexual, naked, have a certain body type and force it as an imag of this is what all the beautiful / hot black women look like. I miss Aaliyah honestly, babygirl would NEVER.

Also there is a slight mess going on where it's speculated she sampled Aaliyah's one in a million for it. TBH the song itself is VERY forgettable. I don't remember it at all or what it sounds like and Cardi's apperance didn't help much but shoutout to her for trying to help normani and boost her up cause I don't see beyonce doing that for her (and yes beyonce is NOT entitled to help anyone but call a spade a spade..) Normani is like a dead orbot in the face I really do...like all I remember is her body and her just talking like her mouth moving but no type of facial expression, no emoting, no emotions or facial activity.

I do remember the black outfits in the dance choreography and it while it was more advanced, hit harder than aaliyah's dancing and was more intricate / sexual, it was just very aaliyah to me (and to the haters - no I'm not hating or saying every black unsion dance is aaliya, it draws straight from her and I'm not even an aaliyah stan.*)

if she wasn't lazy (yes you can be ultra talented and put work into certain aspects and still be LAZY where it counts) in promo, putting herself out there, grinding and trying to win, she could have learned that taking a page from idols or other stars and doing a "dance version" of the song with just nothing but dancing like the dance break would have been GOOD. I feel like wild side should have just been ultra dancing in a setback with more camera work and no sexiness. But she'd be labeled another ciara so she can't win in that regard. The song is very passable and I don't remember the lyrics.

I was like "wtf am I watching?" people shit on kpop especially the black people who aren't kpop fans but no shit I'd rather watch an idol group than normani wild side cause it doesnt feel dead when I watch them. Normani team is fucking her over majorly and they aren't doing any good promotions for her, they are letting her down and she is dropping in spotify, not charting well in billboard and it's not getting massive views it should. She in the same league as madison beer now and it's sad. Normani is talented but she just does not have the IT factor. It's not there she needs more than a sexy body and good looks w/ decent vocals. She's just very boring and hollow. I didn't like how it looked like a 2000s urban wap to me. She does not look comfortable in her sex appeal or like it' a concept she chose herself. She is stotic and idol like but at least with idols they fake their sexy concepts well. She looks uncomfortable and I cna't buy from Normani all this ass and sex is what she about or what she would pick for herself for an MV if she 1000% had her own choice. If it is her choice then she is doing what she doing cause it's trend and she has to sadly.

AND YES! EXACTLY. What fanbase she has is turning into a soft core beehive. Say she needs work or criticism and you are called racist, a hater, "you want to see this girl fall so bad" like no she's not even important enough and hasnt even won" for her to have hardcore antis, she is just not IT.

(she doesn't literally do it for chloe x halle either and I'm tired of chloe showing her ass all the time. And no this isn't a black girls can't do what white girls do, if she wants to be sexy and project this as sexiness then make it a brand and own it 24/7)*

Also Doja has potential to a consistent main stay but she's a fucking weirdo and I say this as someone who was stanning her and adored her aesthetic. She's very strange and if those hardcore illuminati conspiracies were still a thing I would legit say that she is an MK ULTRA puppet and is not well. I find Doja music easier to listen to and Chloe z Halle the easiest to listen to. But they don't have anything that will hit hard and do it is a bop but passable. And I loved Doja's rock alternative retention of say so it was awesome took me back to flyleaf and evanescence era but this white guy attacked her saying she stole his arrangement and I can't believe I'm saying this but she got bullied into apologizing and not doing it again. I'm like stfu. I understand it's an outage and rightful upset when someone takes your work but it was not her directly and he knew this. I mean no disrespect but lets be brutally honest; we know Doja is not some musical genius or person who slaves away composing and coming up with the listen outline for the sounds herself & and BY HERSELF that is just not a fact. It is a TEAM behind her like every artist has one. He framed it as Doja stealing when its clearly her allowing her team to do the majority of the arrangement. If I was Doja no shit idhaf what anyone thinks I would hold strong and not ccave. Its cruel to say but that guy was a small artist and a nobody on a mainstream scale. Sure he got his 15 mins of acknowledgement and recognition but after that he goes back to the shadows and that's it. Beyonce steals shit from people all the time and rarely do I hear her caving to anybody and being sorry. It gets swept under the rug and she isn't creative enough to switch it up if she steals so people won't recognize that she did. So this is case of needing to be established and pay enough dues in order to get away with stuff.

I'm upset about it cause I feel Doja has untapped potential with that. If she can do more music similar to the rock ver. Of say so the sky may be the limit for her longevity cause she can win over a considerable amount of fans especially white fans who will keep her going for sure.

just a mess

[willandkatealways]

Taken

A/N This is a different kind of Will and Kate fanfic I hope y'all like it.

Kate opened her eyes in the darkness, she had to be strong if she was going to get out of this mess. She knew they would kill her but would wait for the right time so she had to believe there was time. It looked like a warehouse of some kind. Her heart broke for her family. William would be heartbroken and she couldn't bear to think of the children. How long would it be before they killed her?

5 hours earlier

William woke up with Kate curled into him, they both had busy schedules today but these quiet moments made it worth it.

"Good morning sweetheart." He heard her soft whisper.

"Another busy day, should be done by the time the kids are out of school." Will said covering her face with kisses.

Kate sighed as she heard Charlotte running in, "Maybe to tonight." She whispered, "Lottie what have we said about knocking sweetheart?"

"I have to knock and wait to be invited in. But this was important mummy!" Charlotte exclaimed climbing onto the bed.

William chuckled, "Well what is the emergency?" He said tussling her bedhead.

"I'm hungry!" She said rubbing her tummy.

Kate smiled, "Well that is emergency! Are your brothers awake?"

Charlotte giggled as her daddy swung her into his arms, "George is playing in his room and Louis is talking to himself. He's silly."

William heard Maria calling for Charlotte, "Maria shes in here!"

Maria helped with the kids as Kate fixed a quick breakfast, she knew people would be shocked to know that she fixed her children breakfast and fixed lunches.

"You are visiting the children's hospital today correct?" Kate nodded at William as she spooned oatmeal to give Louis.

Maria was faking the children to school this morning so Kate made sure to get hugs and kisses before her team would be here to get her ready. "I love you both! Have fun today and learn lots!"

William finished feeding Louis while Kate got ready. "Just you and me kid." Louis was such a happy baby, he rarely fussed unless he had a dirty diaper but William felt that showed good sense. "Mummy is planning your first birthday, you will get cake and maybe a few presents."

He looked up when Kate walked in, she was wearing a blue overcoat with black heels and a matching hat band. "Louis isn't mummy beautiful?"

Louis looked at her and smiled his baby grin, "mamama"

Kate smiled, "thank you my handsome boys. I have to scoot but give me a kiss. I love you." She said kissing Louis head. She turned to William, "and I love you." She pressed her lips to William's, "I won't be late."

Present

William was outraged, his wife, his Kate had been taken. He would never forget the look on his protection officers face "Repeat." The man had said, his face pale and then those words, "Confirm the swan has been abducted."

William had lunged at the man, screaming at him, no matter that they were in an engagement. "Where is my wife? Where is she?"

And they hadn't known, they had taken him from the engagement and now he was on his way to Buckingham palace for his safety which he thought was crazy, they should be out finding her not worrying whether he stubbed his toe. "My children? Where are they?"

"They have been picked up and are on their way to the palace as well, they do not know."

William nodded and closed his eyes, where was she? Was she scared? If they hurt her, he trailed off he couldn't think that way.

He saw Charlotte talking a mile a minute in his father's lap, George was telling Harry about a spider at school. They were so blissfully unaware. He had to be to be strong for them, he looked around for Louis but didn't see him. "Where is Louis?" Fear clutched at him, what if he had been taken as well, then he saw Megan holding a smiling Louis, "Thank God" he murmured.

Charles forced a smile at his eldest son, "Glad you could join us son, Camillia why dont you take the children outside to play a spell?" He continued smiling as William hugged and kissed his children and ushered them out.

The second all three were out of earshot William exploded, "Where is she? I have to find her, I dont have time to sit around here!"

"Son, I know you are frustrated and upset but we have good men looking for her. You know you have to stay here." Charles tried to explain.

In his 36 years he had never come so close to hitting his father, "You cannot expect me to sit here! She needs me! She could be scared or hurt...or...no I will not lose her!" He felt Harry grab his arm and he shook it off. "Fine, if you won't help me, I will find her myself!"

He hadn't seen his grandmother and the Prime Minister walk in, "William please hear us out and then we will discuss the next steps."

Meanwhile, across town, "She is a pretty woman." The man named Rick ran his hand down her cheek, he took off the gag over mouth.

"What do you want?" She winced at how dry and sore her throat was, she had lost track of how long she had been in the dark warehouse.

"If we had time, a piece of you but we already sent your ring to the Prime Minister, do you think they know you are gone?" He seemed to enjoy taunting her, obviously he was the ringleader. So far she had counted only three men, they hadn't blind folded her, she knew they figured she would be dead before she could identify them.

Her wrists were raw from her trying to free them, "I know they know I am gone as do you." She had seen the news when they had showed her of William being led out of his engagement early, he had his public face on but she had seen the fear in his eyes.

"As soon as they give me what I want I will let you go." He said with a sneer.

"No you won't, you didn't blindfold me so you are planning to kill me. If and when you do, William will make sure you never breathe again." He grabbed her breast and she spat in his face. He slapped her and she tasted blood. She didn't react that's what they wanted.

She had to control her temper and figure out a way out of this mess.

William sat down as his grandmother did, then Teresa May handed him an envelope, "This was sent to me today, there is no way to know who it is from."

He gasped as he touched the ring, the blue sapphire sparkled, he clutched it as he opened the note.

"By now you know that we have the Duchess of Cambridge, give us what we want and she will not be harmed. Release Angus McCoy and she will be retuned. If not she dies."

"Who is Angus McCoy?" William asked, "Wait he was responsible for that bombing a few months back?" Teresa nodded.

William couldn't hear anymore, he didn't want to hear how England does not negotiate with terrorists.

He got up and began pacing, "Do you know where she is? It's been hours."

Elizabeth nodded, "Yes, we have been able to pinpoint her location. Catherine's phone has a GPS tracker, apparently they took it and turned it off but now it's been turned back on. This is most likely a trap but an MI-6 team will go in and see what they can do."

William shot up, "I am going with them Granny, you cannot keep me here!"

Charles started to argue but Elizabeth shook her head, "Very well but you will abide by these rules. You will go in capacity of the pilot, you will not leave that helicopter for any reason. You must remember that other lives are at stake. I have told Captain Simpson that he is in charge and if you do not stay or try to argue he has my permission to handcuff you to the helicopter."

He looked from his grandmother to his father, he had forgotten Harry and Megan were in the room. "I understand, let me say goodbye to the children and I will be ready."

As William went into the garden, Charles turned to his mother, "Are you sure about this? What if he is captured?"

"If something happens to her, he will never forgive himself, he is a grown man and I have a feeling he will do as he's been told. He doesn't have to actually rescue her, but he needs to feel hes done something. " Honestly she wondered if it was a wise decision but Philip had convinced her.

William stood a moment watching them play, he walked to where Louis was crawling on a blanket. Louis looked so much like Kate it took his breath away. Since Louis was only a baby he could be honest. "Sweet boy, mummy is in danger but I am going to get her back. We need her don't we? I just cannot do this alone. I love you pumpkin." He kissed his cheek and gave him a cuddle. "Georgie, Lottie come here please."

"Daddy has to go on a quick trip in the helicopter but I will be back as soon as I can. Be good and help Maria with Louis." He said hugging them both tight.

George looked around, "Where is mummy? She said she would be here when we got home from school."

William hated lying, but he didn't want George to worry. "She was delayed, but she sends her love and will be home soon."

Across town, Catherine lay her phone down, a while ago she had gotten her hands free. They had left her phone out, so she had turned it on knowing the GPS would work. She hoped it was on long enough to get help and then turned it back off. She hadn't dare try to call. She put her hands behind her back as she heard footsteps down the hall. Please God let someone find me, she prayed.

The chopper was ready, William met the team and jumped in the pilot seat. The coordinates showed a warehouse still inside London city limits.

Andrew Simpson watched him, he was there with two more teammates, not a large number but if there Intel was right it was all they needed. He hoped Catherine could hold her own and not go to pieces. "Your highness" he began but was cut off by "You are going to save my wife's life please call me Will."

"Very well, Will tell me about your children? Trust me, right now you are paralyzed in fear for your wife but trust me talking about your children helps." Andrew Simpson had been through similar situations in war.

William nodded and cleared his throat, "My little girl, Lottie, people always say there's a bond between fathers and daughters and I never knew how right they were until we had her. She is our little darling, but dont let her fool you mischievous is her middle name. She is a little mother to Louis, loves to see what he is up to and help Kate with him." He was surprised to feel himself relaxing. "Louis is my baby, he is the happiest boy in the world. He looks so much like Kate. George boy he is a scamp, he really keeps us on our toes has since he was born really tests the limits sometimes but you won't find a bigger heart." He became lost in thought thinking of them, of George bringing home baby animals he swore were lost or hurt and needed care.

As they got close, Captain Andrew Simpson asked him to stay and he nodded as he landed near the warehouse. He had a weapon and knew how to shoot. "If you have a gun give it to her, she is skilled at shooting."

He watched as the team ran towards the warehouse. It killed him to stay but he knew he would be more of a hindrance than a help. Please God she has to be okay.

Catherine heard the gunshots, she tried to get a low as she could. She prayed someone was coming. Rick grabbed her by the hair and yanked her back holding a gun to her head. "I will blow your brains out princess." He sneered.

There was a pop and he fell, she looked in horror as blood poured around him. "Your highness, I am Captain Andrew Simpson, let's get out of here. Will said you could shoot, please carry this. Anything happens keep running when you get outside you'll hear the chopper run to it."

Kate nodded and grabbed her phone, she didn't want it to fall into the wrong hands.

The chopper was in the parking lot next door and she saw with a gasp her husband sitting inside.

Will turned to look, he almost couldn't believe it, he jumped from the helicopter and ran to her, "Kate oh baby thank God you are okay!" He held her in his arms until he realized there was an audience and he needed to get her to safety.

When Catherine woke up she knew she was in the hospital, she heard the beeping from the machine next to her. She looked over and saw William on the phone. When he saw her he hung up, "Hey baby how are you? They are going to release you soon. You have been asleep over 48 hours."

While she had slept William had finally taken a moment to look at her, he saw the bruises on her face and her cut lip. Her wrists were raw and bloody, rage filled him. If the scum wasn't head he would kill him.

Now she was awake and kept watching him, "The children?" He smiled of course she was more concerned about them.

"George knows a bad man hurt you but that I and a team of soldiers rescued you. Charlotte knows you were hurt but okay. Louis is blissfully unaware of anything." Will had told the kids that morning when Pippa had come to stay with Kate.

Tears filled her eyes, "oh Billy I was so scared. I thought I would never see you and the children again." She cried clinging to him.

"I know sweetheart, I was scared too but you are safe now. I love you always." They held one another as dawn broke. The bruises would fade but together they could overcome anything.

A/N hope y'all liked it!