#honestly I usually say I'm furry adjacent | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kyrodo · 11 months ago

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I had words that I would think up, basic search terms that would reflect what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Like dark furryart or emo furryart or miserable furryart, etc. Usually I put both together or I'd put furry instead once I exhausted the search, or wolf, cat, etc. And this was a habit I got into very close to when we started "communicating" that I eventually turned into a subtext medium that would most likely only make sense to me. Something I was privy to doing a lot of.

Partly due to uncertainties I myself had but also because I'm a very openly private person. Meaning I don't always necessarily want people to look too hard into what I'm thinking or saying, but I still wanted the emotion or thought expressed somewhere that would be translatable if someone really cared to. So there usually was some kind of pattern to it that could be reverse engineered, but the level of obscurity I made worse and worse. Like with my fa favorites. And sometimes I'd have periods where I try to bury whatever message they contained with art that either was objectively good, or expressed a particular imagery or theme. The flute thing for example. I used to do the same with my retweets. And having a stalker in a way validated those habits, because otherwise no one had any chance of finding whatever meaning I was trying to convey. Since these emotional expressions through art that I couldn't personally draw was also a way to destress as an alternative for someone who couldn't draw with the same level of consistency and saw it as more of a chore when actually trying to draw myself.

Much like how my head canons when I wrote were an alternative for someone who used to be a roleplayer but had nowhere to do that anymore. These were adjacent actions that I could do instead. And at the time I found any level of comfort I could find through things like that and just let myself indulge in it. No matter where ot would lead me I was not in the mood to put a stop to it. I thought I was going to be stuck at peloton forever even though I went to school to be a game programmer. My back was going bad because of it. I didn't know what future physical complications I would have if things continued and things were not looking good for me on any front, socially, physically or career wise.

So I didn't care if people understood what I threw out there. But I made art in the most alternative ways possible. I formed stories with my rants and my likes and favorites. Like a collage but with even less effort. I just wanted whatever was on my mind to be pushed out there in any form, understandable or not. But without the added benefit that someone was at least trying to understand it, that form of destressing would've meant nothing. So I kept coming back hoping you wouldn't stop checking up on me. The feelings obviously played a part in that too, but there were multiple reasons I couldn't just up and leave permanently. All the people that consoled me, that I described these things to directly didn't end up doing the same thing themselves. They listened and that was it. And I guess that was for the best honestly. I probably would've lost some friends that way. You on the other hand didn't count as one.

With you I actually had a reason to revisit all these random moments in my life. Since you weren't there it meant I had plenty of content to get through while waiting for my mind and emotions to stabilize. All the better if they related poetically in some way. A small comfort perhaps but at least it was you and not someone I knew. If I was going to lose someone to my ramblings, I'd rather lose someone I never had. Even though I was half-assedly trying to burn nearly every bridge so I could start over, you bore the brunt of it instead of them. I'd rather lose a stalker than my friends, even when I was actively trying to discard them. Becoming this alternative conduit for my stresses that would allow me to probably be able to get back to my friends later, you played your role extremely well.

So about this mastermind you were trying to take down, where the fuck is he?

The extent you went and still managed to get the short end of the straw, it's fucking hilarious. Imagine a world where people talked out their problems and set boundaries there instead of hacking each other like dipshits. You skipped way too many fucking steps. You didn't even fucking try.

And I to this day struggle to understand the world of expectations that you enforce or how anyone would survive in it. All I understand is that as long as you don't like someone for any reason, they are completely and utterly fucked whether it's fair or not. You're white and you're doing stuff like this and what the fuck do you want me to call this? If you're trying not to be lumped in with bastards like those you're doing a great fucking job. You are doing absolutely everything right.

Am I the only one who looks at every subtext you ever shared and appreciates how fucking ironic it is? Oh wait, you conveniently forget every single thing you do. So I guess it never happened.

You can bet. Not a single person in my life will ever get away with the same kind of shit you tried to. If they try to gaslight and pretend they never did anything, and they just retweet things or they just meant it as a joke, I will fucking end them. Because this is so fucking toxic, it is so easy to be taken advantage of because of this, and I am fucking done. I will never let anyone harass and hurt me under Red's nose again no matter how they try to fucking do it. I will not give anyone free reign to make my life a living hell again!

Whenever there is a bad actor anywhere in my life I'll yeet them off the fucking stage. There will be no beating around the bush or pussyfooting. I am not afraid to cut people off when they prove to be a waste of oxygen. Less drama, more getting back to my fucking life. I don't care what way they try to guilt trip me or what posts they share trying to pretend I'm a bad person for blocking someone. I'm not gonna wuss out of cutting someone out that tries to hurt me ever again. Especially when they're doing the kind of shit you were doing like actively harassing me with memes and subtext. Why wouldn't I want them gone?

I don't understand how people can see posts about whatever shit they do online while they're actively being the picture perfect stereotype and not do a single thing to change their behavior. It isn't a problem for me, so what the fuck is yours? I am alone in my witnessing of all this and yet I have so much social leverage now that you're completely fucked. Because I put so much effort into ensuring I do everything right after a social conflict and you do everything absolutely fucking wrong. I didn't spend the last few years sitting on my thumbs. What about you asshole?

Not once did I ever pull the kind of shit you did just because I didn't like someone. It's not my character trait. Because I'm not a total bitch. For you though that's the only reason you need to hurt and abuse someone. You are an actual fucking psychopath and you don't belong in society. What hurts the most is the stupid fucking kaleidoscope I had on you for a while that appears to be greatly misguided and undeserved. If I'm "not hard to love" what's that make you?

I only let people betray me so many times. I found a better king. Not once did I ever see Choskey cuss when he's angry. Not once have I ever seen him truly mad. I never feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. He is softer than you in so many fucking ways. Cuter. Sweeter. A bit of a ditz at times but I can live with that. I can't deal with you. I can't deal with people who want to "kick someone's teeth in" or whatever the fuck. Who want any sort of target that they can hate on mostly just for clout and not because they actually genuinely care. Get fucked. Also, heard you like fallout boy lyrics. Thanks for the memories asshole.

There's only so much shit you can put people through before they snap, don't ever test that limit again. No more of this edging between friend and enemy. You've already lost my respect but the least you could do is not justify it further.

Instead of choosing to let the dust settle when the book closed, you chose to re escalate things for no other reason than to get back at me and I will never let you forget that. You made choices and none of them had a fucking shelf life. How the fuck are you going to shut me up now. If hacking me and blackmailing me is all you had then you chose the wrong fucking person. Here's an idea, how about the next time you have a problem with someone you fuck off!? Who knew it was that fucking easy!? It's not hard asshole!

I can poke so many fucking holes in every little thing you did and you couldn't even debunk my allergies. I'll never get over how much you fucking shat yourself when all that time you could have just talked to me in the first place. That is the most pointlessly tragic shitshow I've ever had to witness in my life. And frankly I don't know why you didn't know any better. I don't know how you failed so fucking hard.

Must do wonders for the ego huh? Damn am I fucking glad I'm not you. I walk away from that heavily scarred but I didn't have to hide shit. You got an entire social world to collapse on you because you spent no more than a hot minute when it comes to considering revenge. What kind of whiny little shit would take things as far as you did!? That's what you get for crying wolf. You fulfilled your own stupid prophecy. You got fucking wrecked asshole.

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