#honestly ........... these posts are a labor of love with a strong emphasis on ''labor''

[nardaviel]

Part 8 / ?. You know that time in December when there are too many holidays all squished together? That’s this part. Nothing else I promised at the end of the last part has happened yet, but soon! Soon.

Once again some new packs have come out. I’m not sure I want them to do Strangerville, but I’ve already done some stuff with Get Famous and Island Living, either in this part or the next one, which is also complete and just needs to be edited.

Winterfest morning dawns at Ibushi’s new house.

That greenhouse is way, way, way bigger than he needs, but I don't care. I just got so sick of his miniscule greenhouse at his starter home.

On the inside, the house is extremely green, and where it's not green, it's full of mismatching wood tones. You can blame that on me, if you like (except for the mismatching wood tones, that’s 99% EA's fault). I blame myself. I built this house ages ago and I judge my past self real hard when I look at the interior decorating. But it's funnier to blame it on Ibushi's own tastes. He has a favorite color, okay? He knows what he likes.

In any event, he wanted to have a gathering for Winterfest. Just a little one, with his three best friends and the little bit of his family who he's on good terms with. However, while Atsushi obligingly chats with him in the kitchen...

Atsushi: No, honestly, Ibushi, I'd love to help, are you sure you don't need anything?

...his workaholic cousin Sora closets himself in Ibushi's tiny office and smiles down at the laptop...

...while Sora's daughter Antigone makes a beeline for the bookshelf in the otherwise deserted living room.

Not unlike I would have done as a teenager, I guess, except I'd have brought my own book.

A brief introduction of the OCs: Sora is Ibushi's older cousin, featured in this Ibushi fic that I wrote if you're interested. His wife Sarah is mentioned a few times. As of the end of the fic he hasn't had time to have kids, but in the canon verse he has three. However, the Sim Yumura family is based more on a Harry Potter AU than on canon, so Sim Sora has five. The blonde teenagers are Auden and Antigone, the green-haired child is Caelan, and there are two toddlers who you won't meet for a long time, if ever, because I can't be bothered with them.

Do any of them look like the actual characters look in my head? No, not really, so if you have read that fic, please don’t replace your existing mental image with Sim Sora. But the canon third years don’t really look right, either. They’re recognizable, and so are the OCs.

Listen, the trio needed friends, and I never care enough about random townie Sims to try with them. The OCs will only be supporting characters in these posts, I promise. Party guests, that type of thing.

Anyway!

En is pleased to see Atsushi when he at last wanders in.

While this is sweet, Sora and his two teenage children are still over in a far corner of the house away from their host...

...possibly because Caelan kicked his dad off the computer in order to play Tetris Blicbloc badly.

You might be wondering where Kinshirou is. If you've read that fic, you might also be wondering where Sarah is. I have no answers for you. Maybe they're just going to be really late?

Look at all the food Ibushi made :D and the pretty flower arrangement! With flowers that he (mostly) grew himself. What a talented guy.

Ibushi: Dinner's ready! Come eat! (If the rest of them don't show up now, I'll just give up.)

You might have noticed in the last screenshot that Woody grew up! He looks like he's sad because he has no food, but in reality he has no food because he just ate.

Sora, in the meantime, has started opening presents on his own. What a rude guy. No wonder he's raised such rude children. This is all so OOC all I can do is laugh tbh

It worked lol. Welcome, Sarah and Kinshirou.

Also of note: Antigone went straight for the cake, she didn't even bother with the ham. Maybe if Sarah hadn't been so late, she could've told her daughter not to eat dessert first.

She feels guilty, I can tell.

Sarah: So how has it been going? You’ve been keeping the kids in line? Sora: Yes. Definitely. They’ve all been very well-behaved. Sarah: ...sure, Sora.

This game is so weird about sitting down... not just when eating but in so many contexts. Let the Arimas sit!!!!!

ok but joking aside though this warms my heart.

Ibushi: Kinshirou, it's Winterfest! Lighten up. Kinshirou: I'm perfectly content, thank you. Ibushi: Try to laugh more! It's the spirit of the season. Like this! Kinshirou: Ibushi, no—

Ibushi: HO HO HO!!!!!!

Ibushi: Come on, it's only once a year. Try it.

Kinshirou: No.

He looks like he's still in a pretty good mood, though. I guess it’s Winterfest spirit.

The kids get sent home (it's literally just across the street lol) so that the adults can open presents. Makes you wonder what kinds of presents they're exchanging...

... oh :C

It was En's present, wasn't it? Wasn't it, En?

It totally was. En, how cruel.

This is one of the most perplexing and worrying screenshots in the entire series to date. Ibushi stares at Sora in disappointment while Kinshirou, who disappeared with Sora a few screenshots back, tries to exchange a smug and meaningful look with him. However, Sora is smiling (nervously?) at his wife, who, in turn, is staring into space, smiling obliviously, probably thinking about work.

Sora, what clandestine political plot have you dragged Kinshirou into? He might have family connections but he's a pure innocent bby, don't corrupt him! You know Sarah would never approve!!!

Sarah: *whispering* Yes, Sora, this is the right time to open presents. Sora: (Oh, god, she knows... how does she always know?)

Eventually, even the lure of presents isn’t strong enough. En can't help himself: He finds Atsushi again and grabs him in another passionate embrace.

Finally, once night has fallen...

Father Winter shows up! :O

...even though the fireplace is lit. Must be a tough job being Father Winter.

He's about to laugh, but it looks like he's got cramps. Too many cookies?

Despite his agony, however, he replenishes Ibushi's present pile. What a nice man. Not like you, Sora.

He's a much better gift-giver than En, too.

Just casually chatting with Santa, as you do.

Don't give Ibushi a hard time about his hygiene, okay, he's been working hard all day.

Finally, the holiday comes to a close. It's just Ibushi and Woody again, both passed out in Ibushi's extremely green bedroom.

:D

But now it's back to Kinatsuen. We have to switch households now or else we'll miss

En's favorite holiday, Pretty Boy Day. Look at all those hearts around the traditions I can't believe it

Atsushi has decided to be more thoughtful in choosing holiday decorations from now on. No more going to the store and grabbing the first thing he sees! He's going to think carefully about what'll look good and where.

Meanwhile, En has dragged Kinshirou onto the couch to set the mood early.

En: Look, what I was talking about earlier, with the tongues. Isn't it weird? Kinshirou: Yes, En, this is all very strange. (Oh, no, this is too vulgar, I can't watch... how is this even permitted on television... yet I can’t give En the satisfaction of reacting too strongly...)

Atsushi... you tried your best.

It’s actually not awful, for the most part, but the ribbons on the fences make my eyes hurt. The colors clash too much.

As Kinshirou flees the house to escape from that TV show...

...Atsushi comes downstairs to take his place.

Atsushi: Good morning, En-chan. What are you watching? En: ...you'll see. Atsushi: All... all right then...

At least they both get invested in the same plot points.

As an aside, Kinshirou has come back and started a fantasy novel, and the game suggested that I name it Cat Lord, Cat Counsel which is absolutely a book I would read.

Don't remember the last time I showed one of these so these are the books Kinshirou is currently getting royalties for. I don't even remember what some of these titles are based on? What AU would inspire a title like Forever Quiet, that sounds depressing.

Or that’s what I was thinking when I was typing this commentary as I played. Now, going through it again to post, I have an idea for what AU it might have been, and I was right. It’s depressing. Kinshirou, sometimes your books are real downers, you know that?

The sun has finally come out. Perfect weather for Atsushi to show the world his smuggler costume, right?

...well, En sold a painting and I got the Get Famous notif, even though the option itself didn't have the (+Fame) next to it when I clicked on it. So I guess this is the first step down the path to En Yufuin, famous artist.

I sound reluctant but actually I'm kind of excited haha. I even thought about having him not quit his job, since I think that would give him the chance to get things like fame chance cards, which would let him get fame faster... then I realized how OOC that was and changed my mind. En and Kinshirou, Atsushi's famous artist boyfriends.

En: Atsushiiii... Hey, Atsushi. How do you like my costume?

Atsushi: I like it, En-chan. It's subtle. I can barely tell you're in costume at all.

En: ...hey, what's that supposed to mean? Atsushi: Anyway, are you coming in for lunch? En: ...no. I was just showing you my costume. It's probably not getting any warmer than this, so I'd better do the best Pretty Boy Day tradition now. Atsushi: En, really? It's the middle of winter, you'll freeze!

En: Pretty Boy Day is still Pretty Boy Day even when it's snowing! Atsushi: Yes, but... you know what? You go ahead, En-chan. I'm going inside. En: You won't even stay and keep me compa⁠— Atsushi: Have fun.

En: (Well, fine, I'll just go by myself... what did that even mean, "I can barely tell you're in costume at all"? God, it's fucking cold. ...I wonder if they're watching, heheh. Although, actually, it’s so cold I’m not exactly at my best here.)

Atsushi: Hey, Kin-chan, don't look outside. En-chan is⁠— Kinshirou: *averting his gaze, his eyes barely open* YES, THANK YOU, ATCHAN, I CAN IMAGINE

Your sense of propriety is fooling no one, Kinshirou.

That's okay. They can have their own Pretty Boy Day in here while En is out having a good time.

Kinshirou even reprises his grim reaper costume.

...for just enough time to realize he feels stupid and take it off again.

Kinshirou: Yes... this is much better.

Kinshirou: What is that... ensemble. En: Do you like it? Kinshirou: No.

En does his best to change Kinshirou's mind.

In the background, Atsushi listens and laughs to himself. I would say he's watching, except, of course, he isn't wearing his glasses.

Have you ever looked at a character and just thought, "Yes... he is perfect"?

A happy ending to PBD. Is Kinshirou entranced by En's beauty, or is he annoyed that En fell asleep in Kinshirou's own bed before Kinshirou could even lie back down after the WooHoo? (The answer is: both.)

But then, he thinks, how sad will it be for Atchan if he comes home after a long day at work, after having to work on Pretty Boy Day, and he finds us both asleep?

So he goes down to wait for Atsushi instead.

Cute.

All right. The time has come. En wakes up and realizes he has no more vacation days remaining.

Employer: En, hello. Are you finally ready to come in to work? En: Ah, actually, no, I'm quitting, effective... now. Employer: You're quitti— En: Bye!

Bye.

This is the second time in a row he's painted this exact painting. He painted it, sold it, and started a new painting which is also this painting. I guess he just really wants to go to the beach.

Then, fuelled by black tea, he decides to improve his logic skill by observing the sky. I was laughing to myself at how slowly it was progressing when I remembered that he actually had several points in it already for work. That's how long it's been since I've paid attention to En's job lol

Who brings food to the computer and puts the bowl ON the keyboard, though? En is a madman.

It begins...

That was fast, though. Only two books. Maybe it made a difference that they were both bestsellers? Either way, congrats, Kinshirou. Although actually, I'm not sure he's going to be thrilled about the idea of fame.

That unsettled, perturbed stare as he gazes into the distance, imagining his growing fanbase massing on the horizon...

Okay, here’s a bit of a text wall, by the standards of these posts: I'm going to be honest, none of the fame perk trees are aimed at any of the Boueibus, but in particular not Kinshirou. Half of why this idea is so funny to me is that I love the idea of them getting famous through their writing or their art (or their cooking? celebrity chef Atsushi??) but being completely unenthusiastic about it and just wanting a chill life.

I think with Kinshirou and En, I'm going to go at least halfway up the tree that gets you more money from crafted objects, for obvious reasons. You also get some neat stuff in the mail every day! And, unfortunately for them, you gain fame faster from skill-based actions, which I assume includes writing and painting. If Kinshirou was still trying to be a villain, he could put points the negative reputation tree too, where being a douchebag in public makes you famous. But he is reformed now, thank you very much.

Anyway, all that is to say, here's Kinshirou's first fame perk (and En’s, once he gets to this point):

Now on to the story.

En: En, you're an artist, he says... En, Atchan's ribbons looked so horrible for Pretty Boy Day, he says... I don't have time, he says... Jeez, give a guy one success and he thinks he can order anyone around. After I'm done, he'll never ask me to decorate anything again.

I would probably have done something like this for New Year's Eve, left to my own devices:

Sadly, En wanted to repulse Kinshirou so we are instead left with this:

As many flashing lights and tacky prints as possible, all in different colors, none of which are New Year’s Eve colors. The anti-Kinshirou decorations. It’s actually not completely horrible. Maybe En was incapable of making something that looked completely horrible. But it is not great.

...and now I've found En's least favorite holiday. He doesn't like to decorate, as Kinshirou will soon discover, and he doesn't like to party. That's half the things you do on New Year’s Eve.

Maybe this will cheer him up, though. No more having Kinshirou boss him around. (Ha. As if. Kinshirou will always boss him around.)

Kinshirou: Good morning, Atchan. Atsushi: Good morning... Kinshirou: What's wrong? Atsushi: Oh, it's just... last night, when I got in from work... Kinshirou: ...yes? Atsushi: ...you really thought that was better than my Pretty Boy Day decorations? Kinshirou: What?

Kinshirou: Kinshirou: At least Ibushi's moved. ... Oh, no, Ibushi’s visiting later. Yumura-san is visiting later. We’re having guests.

En admires his own animal painting. He's feeling very pleased at the moment, and he's not sure why...

Turn around and you'll find out, En.

Atsushi has an ambition. A burning ambition. His goal is to make three fancy dishes and serve them all during a single event. And since they're planning to have people over for New Year's Eve, this is the perfect opportunity!

...or so he thinks. Ibushi, who has randomly come over without being invited or let into the house, is distracting him, making the whole thing take twice as long as necessary. Kinshirou is just cheering him on, deeply impressed as always by his boyfriend's kitchen skills.

But if they're going to have company, I need to remember that they own a thermostat so that everyone isn't stuck wearing jackets in the house.

As the sun sets, Atsushi calls the other two over.

Atsushi: Okay, guys, before Ibushi and his cousin get here... you know what time it is, right? Kinshirou: Yes, En. You know what time it is, don't you? En: Huh? What time is it?

Atsushi: It's time to make our resolutions! I wonder what I should work on next year... Kinshirou: *pointed look* En: ...he doesn't actually think I'll make a resolution, does he?

Kinshirou: Yes. I must focus on self-improvement. En: (They seriously think I'm going to do this.)

Atsushi: All right! I can do it! This year for sure! Kinshirou: Yes. I will be sure to... where is En?

Please appreciate my dedication to characterization over gameplay. Kinshirou could have chosen to write a book, which he does all the time anyway, and Atsushi could have chosen to complete an aspiration milestone, which he is about half an inch from doing. Forget the week-long time limit, he's going to do it in a few Sim hours. They were both so tempting.

(Also: "Kinshirou wants to work on a skill for his resolution! Start working on a skill to get this done!" Thanks for the tip, that clears up a lot.)

Everyone is here!

Kinshirou: I've been making progress with your request, Yumura-san, and I think... Sarah: Sora, what are you talking about over here? Sora: *thinking fast* A book we've both read. Kusatsu-san isn't a fan. c: Sarah: Hmm...

A nice, low-key New Year's Eve party. Except that Atsushi wasn't satisfied with his fancy salad so he's scrambling to make some extra. (That is to say, the gourmet dish counter for his aspiration reset unexpectedly lol)

Congratulations, Atsushi!!!!! That reward trait is incredible, too. Way better than En's.

Kinshirou is lagging behind a little with his aspiration but that's okay. I'm working on it behind the scenes.

Unlike some Ens I could mention, Atsushi already knows what he wants to focus on next. He wants to hone his nerdy instincts with the Nerd Brain aspiration, which focuses on logic, books, rocket science(!), and handiness. The video game-focused one would require him to change careers, sadly, so we're going with this.

As of right now, though, Kinshirou is the resident repairman. I guess Atsushi will have to slowly take over. Even though Kinshirou is already at 6 skill points... oh, well.

:D There they all are. And now Atsushi can finally eat his sparkling excellent!-quality food.

Ibushi and the Yumuras head home after dinner. Atsushi waits for the countdown to start on TV, but if En wants to stay up for that, he needs to take a nap while he can...

Then, once the clock ticks over to 11pm, the three of them commence the creepiest thing I have ever seen in The Sims 4.

Kinatsuen:

Kinatsuen: *in eerie unison* Shushoobie!

Kinatsuen:

Kinatsuen: *in eerie unison* Shushoobie!

Kinatsuen:

Kinatsuen: :D

It was honestly like watching a cult ceremony. Very scary. Happy Sim New Year???

Atsushi: Thank you for staying awake, En-chan. Or for waking up again, I guess.

Okay, well, that's cute. But is it cute enough to justify all the creepy chanting...

That’s all for today. Part 9 begins at the start of spring, the start of the new year, &c. &c. I can absolutely 100% guarantee this time that part 9 is the wedding episode, and I suffered so much to make that wedding happen that I’ll probably post it soon just to get it out there and away from me.

[rationalsanskar]

How Mediafly Built an Award-Winning Startup Culture

Mediafly is thrilled to once again be , ranking #21 overall and #12 in small business. It is truly amazing to see how our hard work and dedication towards creating and maintaining a unique and scalable culture has put us into a position to win an award that values workplace policies, practices, and demographics, as well as the experiences and attitudes of individual employees.

The Formation of a Special Culture Let’s take it back to the beginning. Mediafly was founded in 2006 by Carson Conant, who had a vision to create a digital content sharing platform. In order for his vision to become reality, he hand-selected a small team that set out to develop, launch and grow a customer-centric company built on an elegant software solution. In the formative years, Carson was responsible for all of Mediafly’s recruiting and hiring. He was particularly focused on hiring amazing developers that could deliver an enterprise-grade solution to the world’s leading companies. With Carson recruiting the most talented and brilliant employees, Mediafly started with a very strong foundation for our culture. He had built a team of like-minded and extremely talented developers with a very strong affinity for each other and product excellence.

Growing Pains: Preserving Startup Values While Scaling Up As Mediafly began closing very large contracts with very large companies like The Walt Disney Company and Goldman Sachs, it became clear that we needed to hire incrementally in other areas of the company. Admittedly, this resulted in a few missteps. We made a few bad hires, waited too long on a few transitions and, appropriately, this led to internal grumbling from our amazing developers. But you may ask, “John, really, what’s the cost of a few complaints?”

Well, as a good Chicago Booth grad, I have some data. According to the U.S. Dept. of Labor, a bad hire leads to a transition and onboarding process that will ultimately cost 30% of employee’s first-year earnings. Had more time been spent on getting the right person in the first place, this is a cost that could have been completely avoided. In addition, according to a 2013 study by Robert Half, supervisors lose more than one day per week on a bad hire, a 20% decrease in productivity per supervisor, per bad hire. Delaying the departure of someone who needs to be transitioned is also incredibly costly. Big picture? For a small company, a $100,000 investment in the wrong person is a legitimate threat to the business. The loss of productivity (and cash) could be catastrophic. The “few complaints” were an indicator that we were losing productivity and needed to adjust our thinking.

The Mandate: Defining the “Right Fit” and Nurturing our Values As a result, we made the commitment to add only “Stunning Flyers” to the team. We also were explicit about ensuring that we needed to avoid losing any Stunning Flyers as well. The problem was that our talent pipeline, especially outside our technical team, was limited, we didn’t actually know what it meant to be a “Stunning Flyer” and we had no predictability for when we would be able to hire given the lumpy nature of cash inflows at a B2B enterprise software start-up.

Get the Data! The executive team was determined to meet the needs of our employees and learn how to “do right by them” in their eyes. As a result, in 2011 we launched our first Mediafly Culture Survey. We needed to know what was working and what was not. We needed qualitative information from our team as to common traits of successful Stunning Flyers. And most importantly, we needed to establish a roadmap for establishing which priorities we needed to focus on getting right first. To do this, we sent a totally anonymous survey to the team in the hopes that they would feel comfortable enough to share their wisdom with us. Luckily (and a little painfully) our employees were not shy to give us our scorecard. On the painful side, the data told us that our comp was off and our benefits package stunk. On the positive side, the team told us the necessary traits for Flyer success (See Graphic #1). They also told us that they trusted Carson and loved the product. A great start!

We Have the Data… Now What? Empowered by this new information, we got to work making a few transitions, adjusting comp where we could and transforming the benefits package to be much more reflective of our younger, retirement-conscious Flyer demographic. We called a meeting to walk through the results of the survey as well as the changes we would be implementing immediately. The bump in morale was fantastic. Our leadership team got a significant bump in credibility as well as an increase in referrals of potential new hires and prospective customers.

The energy was so positive following that meeting that what had been planned as a one-time initiative has become a centerpiece of our annual planning. We use what is now our Annual Mediafly Culture Survey to frame a number of our key internal initiatives. Major initiatives like the improvement of inter-department communication (See Graphic #2), frequency and framework for our quarterly Town Hall meetings, the creation of our and launch of culture-focused Flyer Experience Council all stemmed from feedback received in our Culture Survey.

And So We Continue to Invest to Preserve the Startup Mindset that Got Us Here From Carson’s first stunning hires on the engineering team, we knew that our culture was special at Mediafly. In fact, since our founding, each Flyer must initial this statement in their Offer Letter:

“You are committed (heart and mind) to embody the Mediafly vision, goals and objectives; to push yourself and the rest of the Mediafly team to a higher standard; to communicate openly and honestly at all times about everything and defend your ideas (not your ego) passionately in pursuit of the best solution for Mediafly. You remain committed to doing everything in your ability to make Mediafly a better company, in all respects.”

We also knew that as we grew we would have to invest in and protect that culture. Our Annual Mediafly Culture Survey provides the mechanism by which we measure our success and identify areas for us to improve. Data leads to informed decision-making, and for Mediafly, it is one of the most crucial elements to maintaining a positive and strong culture that empowers employees. Too many wrong decisions can be catastrophic to a small company’s growth, culture and overall morale. Because of the way we are intentional about our culture, we’re proud to continue developing a culture of trust, transparency, and innovation that inspires and challenges our employees every day.

As we enter 2019, our most recent survey has set out a roadmap that includes major initiatives around Professional Development as well as new ways for our international Flyers to better connect with their co-workers. I can’t wait to see the impact of these initiatives and what our 2019 Culture Survey will say about where we can invest time and focus next to make our culture even better!

“I have worked at several different companies where maintaining a positive culture was a prominent core value, and Mediafly has the best by far. Everyone here, including the leadership, makes themselves available for feedback and questions which makes cross-team collaboration the norm. The people all genuinely support one another and care about you on a personal level which drives me to do my best every day.” Chris Tran, Senior Product Manager

“It is rare to find a company that puts such an emphasis and importance on the employee experience. At Mediafly, it’s our goal to care for the whole employee. We actively seek out feedback and encourage dialogue from our team members so we can continuously work to enhance our culture.” Laura Singer, HR Manager

“I love that I have a voice and that some of my best work comes from collaborating with not just my team, but the rest of the company. Everyone who works here is nothing but supportive, and there is a genuine spirit of cooperation and shared goals across the company. I feel lucky every day to step into our office knowing that I get to work with people who I care about and encourage, but who also do the same for me.” Elise Oldenburg, Director of Customer Operations

to learn more about the Mediafly brand, people and culture.

The post How Mediafly Built an Award-Winning Startup Culture appeared first on Mediafly.

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[drmariefeuer]

Character Matters

Character Matters

You do not have to be a pathological narcissist to act like one. Many people have narcissistic tendencies and can “act out” in ways that match true narcissistic pathologies.  You are not either a narcissist or not, you can have tendencies at times that need your attention.  Narcissistic tendencies can arise from the walking wounded who continue to avoid their inner work, their inner healing, unconsciously continue attention-seeking behaviors and controlling behaviors as a way to regulate, contain, and sublimate their unhealed emotions.

These are often covert, co-dependent type people who cannot speak up for their own needs and boundaries and instead consistently manipulate everyone around them because when they were helpless children that is what they had to do to survive. However, now they are adults, capable of having the courage to heal. And it will take courage. And it will take actions and behavior changes and all of that means taking risks, or what will feel like risks.

What do some of these manipulations look like? Under-functioning or presenting as the victim: (See Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy): so that people around them will do all the work, all the emotional labor of the relationship. People pleasing: In order to win complements but also so that one will not be held accountable or responsible for actions, behaviors or choices. “I was only doing what you wanted me (or “pushed” me) to do. Seduction: Flirting, using “subtle” sexuality (such as a focus on always looking good, dressing subtly sexy, sending subtle sexy vibes not really wanting sex, and so much more) on a regular basis, usually in all encounters and with both sexes as a way to ensure that one will receive “love”, attention and again as a way to avoid accountability and responsibilities. After all, s/he is so “cute” and “nice” surely s/he “just made a mistake” and “didn’t mean to do it” as they blow off another responsibility or work or commitment. Silence: By not talking one “gleans” information in order to constantly “figure out” what to say, how to say it, even when to laugh or cry on cue in order to “fit in” yet remain “invisible and therefore again, not be held accountable for any choices because their choices remain hidden in the silence and apparent acquiescence by using all their energy to “blend in” with the current company. Choosing to have relationships with wounded people: By unconsciously or consciously choosing to pursue relationships with people in trouble (divorce, depression, going through big changes, walking wounded, sexual abuse survivors, etc.) and presenting yourself as in a “better place” one is able to “look good”, like a rescuer or a hero and because one is now in a position of being “needed” by a needy person and again this is a built in exit door where one can slide out of responsibilities and accountabilities. After all, if you are “needed” you can count on the other person not risking losing you by holding you accountable to your commitments, choices, and responsibilities or your behaviors. All will be “forgiven”  because the person in need, needs you.

You don’t have to be a narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies or behaviors, especially covert narcissistic tendencies so don’t get hung up on the label. If you cannot set and hold boundaries, if you cannot directly hold to your commitments or honestly renegotiate them if circumstances change, if you cannot in general express your opinion or tolerate diversity and differences (instead of always guessing how to “fit in”, if you tend to  hang out with needy people only, or people who you sense are physically attracted to you or what you have to offer—or what they imagine you have to offer because you present that, you have some work to do and behaviors to clean up . As you learn to identify them, you can choose to heal and learn new responses and behaviors…. or not. But at the very least, start to own your choices.  For more detailed information on this material, see Dr. George Simon’s book titled Character Disturbances.

How does on respond when coming up against these covert, often (but not always) unconscious behaviors? Again, I refer you to Dr. Simon’s book as well as his interviews on YouTube and as Dr. Ramani’s work on narcissism on YouTube.  Stop giving people, adults, “a break”. That is how they got this way in the first place. You are not their therapist or their emotional cure or punching bag. Set boundaries, hold them accountable for respecting your boundaries and also for honoring their commitments, and expect outrages responses, everything from victim manipulation to rage. Yes they don’t know any better, but letting it go only reinforces the behaviors. And you have a right to your needs, desires, and boundaries and to expect reasonable commitments and renegotiation of commitments whether they be personal or professional.

If the person is inconsequential to you, yes, walk away. It’s not worth it. It is not worth having to go through the always victim manipulative, or silence (expecting you to do the emotional labor to fix the situation or conversation), or retaliatory attacks. Retaliatory attacks can be physical, withholding sex, setting a retaliatory “boundary” “right back at you”, and verbal attacks often cleverly disguised as (unasked for) “feedback”.  My wounded students often start analyzing me and critiquing me as a form of retaliation when they feel threatened (their image/ego is blown or exposed) or when they are being held accountable, instead of bringing up issues when things are calm and good which is the time to bring up issues to discuss and make changes as needed. These kinds of retaliatory actions, behaviors and choices (and there are others) are excellent red flags to identify the narcissistic defensive behaviors of the walking wounded who will lash out rather than risk problem solving. And it is not worth going through all of these if the person is not someone important to you.

People think conflict and conflict resolution are red flags. Yes they can be, depending on how it is handled and the subject matter. But choosing silence and keeping the peace as a priority over becoming a better person, or having a better relationship means you are choosing to protect your ego at all costs. The nice a polite culture is, currently, a scourge and a plague. If you love someone or care about them, you are willing to go through the labor of love to work things out and will choose that over your need to look good, be right, get by, keep the peace, hide in silence, flee, retaliate or other choices of control. Conflict resolution takes a willingness to give up control of your emotions and your ego, in order to listen, hear and negotiate. Meditation, prayer, spiritual practices are needed and are excellent. But they are not meant as an escape from responsibilities nor are they a substitute for hard actions that need to be taken in order to evolve in this lifetime, should you choose to walk that Path. Life itself will force you to grow, or you can risk jumping into the growing yourself without waiting for life circumstances becoming so difficult and painful that you have to make changes. It is your choice. Either choice will require risks and hard actions.

Below is a link to Brene Brown’s podcast discussing how white folds prefer to feel comfortable, be nice and polite, rather than become a better person. Why did I post this? Because becoming an anti-racist is related to becoming an authentic person. It is a choice, not (at this time) a necessity. Giving up your covert controlling narcissistic behaviors is also a choice. You can get away with it for a lifetime. Becoming a better person is a choice. You can stay with your current behaviors and choices and just keep “moving on” rather than stay and grow. This podcast addresses the subtle nuances of the heart and courage and commitment it takes to become a better person, a more spiritual person, a more authentic person. While it uses anti-racism as an example, it is applicable to any set of behaviors you have discovered in yourself that you now feel compromises who you are, your quality of life, your quality of being.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bren%C3%A9-austin-channing-brown-on-im-still-here-black/id1494350511?i=1000477381573

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Journey On.

Dr. Marie

via Blogger https://ift.tt/2Naapbe

[alicew94-blog]

Hello and welcome!

Here we go, my first blog post. I have jotted down disparate thoughts here and there over the years but have always hesitated to post them online because it just did not see worth the trouble. But in anticipation for the @kpustudyabroad experience this summer, I figure it is time I warm-up my blog penmanship so that I can best chronicle the journey of a lifetime when I visit Europe.

My goal for this blog is to post at least once a week. Gradually, I hope to build a portfolio of personal anecdotes that will serve both personal and professional growth.

I suppose I should start by introducing myself. It is actually pretty simple: art history is life.

Although how I got to here is a long story. I graduated high school; got a B.Sc.; hated labs and medical school; decided to pursue something I discovered through elective courses; loving the latter.

I was incredibly lost during B.Sc. I tried everything from cell biology to physiology; from social psychology to economics. In my last year I encountered art history and the discipline just made sense to me. I used to mock art history, thinking it was just about looking at paintings and had no practicality. But I have since realized its presence permeates every aspect of life; it is just very discrete. Much like the pristine condition of galleries that masks all signs of labor, the artworld tends to go undetected unless you seek it out. And when you do, you will realize that it has never been just about shapes and colours. Art is politics in disguise. It is an orchestrated, visual performance disseminated to the masses. Art, money, and politics are the new trinity in this godless world. At a later time, perhaps I will share my religious musings with you.

My goal is to pursue a MA in institutional critique. I am currently interested in critically analyzing documenta and perhaps using it as a launching point for studying the fabric of contemporary art. Along with biennales, triennials, and art tourism, the artworld has never been more exciting than it is today (see book by Green and Gardner).

My second goal is to do good. Like honestly, do good. In that respect, I am part of a non-profit group called @effectivealtruism. We are dedicated to the intellectual movement of trying to understand how an individual can make the maximum amount of positive impact through his/her life. We follow the progress of innovative institutions like GiveWell (San Francisco) and 80,000 Hours (Oxford) to access what charitable organizations are actually effective at making an impact with the donation they receive. As a member of the team, I am currently working on writing funding applications so that we do not have to pay out-of-pocket to attend the Effective Altruism Global conference this year. This is an annual conference akin to TED Talk where innovators at the forefront of social progress share their story to inspire and spark discussions. Elon Musk, a personal role model of mine, spoke at last year's conference!

Effective Altruism is a launching point for socially-minded scholars. We understanding that science and technology will not lead to utopia--they may not necessarily lead to progress for that matter--but if we make the effort to look at cold hard facts in a humanistic manner, we stand to a much better chance at guiding the global community in a direction that the future generation will not regret. We are not romantic idealists; we are just not skeptical of progress.

EA is not perfect. As a strong proponent for arts, I think it is important that alternative ways of relating to the world are acknowledged and appreciated at EA. The EA currently does not do enough of that; they place way too much emphasis on the sciences and too little emphasis on the art. The pursuit for empiricism should happen in conjunction with an appreciation for the arts. Can you image a world without music? The society thrives on a diversity of talent. The zealous for science should not come at the sacrifice of art. Science is what we stand on; art is what we live for.