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nanoland · 3 years ago

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Ponder on the Narrow House

fandom: Lucifer

main characters: Mazikeen, Eve, Michael

pairings: Mazikeen/Eve/Michael

summary: In which Mazikeen isn't finished with Michael yet.

warnings: Violence, gun violence, trauma, dehumanization, outdoor sex.

In 2019, Fodor’s had crowned LAX the worst airport on Planet Earth, comparing it – much to Mazikeen’s amusement – to Dante Alighieri’s Hell.

She couldn’t comment on the comparison’s accuracy; she’d never read Divina Comedia. Human poetry bored her.

Up against the real thing, however? Hell was quieter, cleaner, and smelt better than Los Angeles International, and it wasn’t even close.

Granted, Mazikeen was biased. Hell was her home and she liked it quite a lot. But surely even a human – even an angel – would sooner take a stint in one of Lucifer’s loops than spend more than thirty minutes in Terminal 3.

Yet there he was, leaning against the wall, watching the bustling crowd with a faint smile on his face, like a man in the park resting his eyes on the ducks. Perfectly content.

“Do you know,” he said as she approached him, “that around forty percent of all humans are scared of flying?”

She hadn’t been sure how this encounter would go and, being innately practical, had dressed accordingly. Black satin skirt, flattering and loose enough to both conceal several demon daggers (invisible to the full-body scanner she’d just sauntered through) and not impede her reaction time in a fight. Red silk wrap blouse, easily unwrapped to serve as a garrotte or tourniquet. Hair down, curled, dyed pitch black with bronze-gold streaks – possibly a tactical disadvantage if he grabbed it, but possibly a distraction. She knew he liked her hair.

When she was satisfied he wasn’t about to lunge for her throat, she took a gamble and moved in to lean against the wall alongside him, following his gaze. “Not surprising. Think of it from their perspective. They don’t have wings. Actually – huh. I guess that’s a perspective you can sympathise with now.”

He sneered. “You’re trying to bait me, Miss Mazikeen. That’s cute. But I’m not in the mood, dollface. This? This is me time. I’ve had a shitty few days and I came here specifically to soak up these idiot mortals’ fear and chill out. Get lost. Go play with my twin if you’re so starved for entertainment.”

Mazikeen stretched. “That’s the problem. He’s hanging out with the rest of your lousy family. Gabriel. Raziel. Jophiel. Now that he’s in charge, they’re all trying to crawl up his ass. It’s pathetic. And annoying.”

His jaw clenched and she knew exactly what he was thinking: ‘That should have been me.’

“Also,” she added, after a pause, “they don’t like me. Most of them have never met a demon. There’s no outright hostility but… they talk to me like I’m some gross exotic pet Lucifer found and adopted.”

“They’re afraid of you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Nope. I’m wrong about some things. Never about fear. They can tell how much you matter to him, how much he’d do for you and vis versa, and it scares them shitless. Chloe Decker they can understand – she was Dad’s gift, after all. You, though? Lucy was never supposed to love you. No one was.”

She fiddled with her earring; big, gold, shaped like a swallow with rubies dotting its tail feathers. A gift from Eve. “Whatever. Anyway, that’s why I’m here. With you. Instead of them. You’re the worst, most obnoxious, most cowardly creep ever. I mean it. Christ, do you suck. But you always talked to me like I was a person. Right from the beginning.”

Ugliness flared behind his eyes. “Seriously? Now you’re being nice? Lucifer sent his general to console me? Ha! That’s how pitiful he thinks I am?”

“Pfft – no. Lucifer doesn’t give a crap about you. I’m here because I wanna offer you a job, moron.”

“A… job.”

“Yep. Ever heard of ‘bounty-hunting’?”

He nodded. Slowly. Smirking, she pushed off the wall and twirled on her six-inch heels to face him.

“Here’s the thing, o Angel of Dread; I’ve spent centuries in Hell learning how to terrify people. I look at you and you know what I see? Potential. Sure, you’re rough around the edges. Still got some celestial baby fat clinging to you. Still a little squeamish when it comes to certain tricks of the trade. But Mikey, honey, six months under my tutelage and I think we can turn you into a bona fide fucking nightmare.”

She let the skin on her face’s left side melt away and grinned at him. “So? How about it?”

“Eh,” he said after taking one last glance around the terminal. “Fuck it. Why not? Nothing better to do.”

“Los Angeles is kinda like me,” Mazikeen told him, taking off her red-lensed cat-eye sunglasses as she strutted down the pier.

“Doesn’t have a soul?”

A withering glare. “Tough. Pretty on the outside, mean on the inside. It’s easy to make enemies around here and when you’ve made ‘em, you need to stay on your toes. Stay nimble. Stay mobile. Ready to fight or flee at any moment.”

Michael nodded. “And that’s how you justify living on a tugboat.”

“Ahoy!” called Eve, standing on the deck in a polka dot bikini and pirate hat Mazikeen had presumably stolen for her off the set of some summer blockbuster or other being shot nearby, the salty breeze playing with her hair.

“It’s a yacht,” Mazikeen growled.

“No. That’s a yacht,” Michael replied, pointing to the gleaming white MCY 70 Skylounge docked nearby. “What you have is a glorified raft that can, at best, accommodate two people and maybe a toaster.”

He should, perhaps, be trying harder to ingratiate himself with his new boss.

But he was tired.

Getting in his face, she snapped, “Hey! That’s our headquarters, asshole. Show some respect.”

“It’s covered in seagull crap. It looks older than me. There’s a very obvious bloodstain on the helm. Jesus, doesn’t Lucifer pay you?”

She pushed him into the sea.

Offering him a hand when he bobbed to the surface, Eve said, “Don’t take it personally. She’s just mad because we weren’t able to steal a bigger one.”

It was while Michael was towelling himself dry down below decks that the chunky-faced cop wandered in, took one look at him, and strode across the room.

“Mister Espinoza,” he drawled, “what can I-… oh. Oh, wow, you really thought that was going to work, huh?”

Curled up on the floor, clutching the fist he’d very mistakenly slammed into Michael’s jaw, Dan hissed, “Fuck you. You killed me.”

“Poppycock. I had you killed. That’s entirely different, buddy.”

Dan staggered to his feet and shouted, “Maze! Eve! What the hell is he doing here?”

Taking off his wet jacket and draping it over the rack alongside the towel, Michael said, “I was invited, thank you very much. No one told me you were part of the arrangement.”

“What arrangement, asshole?” Dan snapped, turning red. “I’m just here to help Maze fix her boat’s engine.”

“Oh. You don’t work with her, then? No, I suppose you wouldn’t. As we’ve established, you’re entirely too killable.”

“You sleazy son-of-a… Maze! Get down here!”

Grumbling, Michael’s new boss stalked below deck carrying a crate of beer on her left shoulder and a sleeping bag under her right arm. “Goddammit – Dan, I told you to wait. Is your hand bleeding, you big meathead? We seriously just dragged your ass out of Hell and you couldn’t go two whole days before breaking yourself again? Ugh. You’re impossible. You’re worse than Decker.”

“Maze, d’you wanna explain what the actual fuck Lucifer’s psycho twin is doing here?”

“Interning,” Michael said, cheerfully.

His face now practically purple, Dan half-yelled, “What is he talking about? This is not okay, Maze! Does Chloe know? Does Amenadiel? Why is he even still on Earth? Lucifer’s God now; can’t he stick him on Mars or turn him into a bug or something?”

“Look, Dan, just calm down-…” she began.

“I died! I actually, literally, physically died! Because of him! No, I’m not going to calm down!”

Michael scoffed. “Please. Like that’s what you’re really upset about. You’re not angry about dying. You’re not angry at all. You’re scared, buttercup. And not just of me; of her, of Lucifer, of everything, and to be honest, I didn’t even need to use the ol’ angel juice to work that out.”

Mazikeen set down her cargo, pulled a knife from her belt, and flung it. It embedded itself five inches deep in the floor between them. “This? This is not Lux, dickheads. Mortals and celestials don’t hang out here to have a good time while I sit behind the bar and tolerate them. This crummy, crusty-ass, piece of crap boat is my domain. Here, I don’t have to put up with one femtometre of your bullshit. If you want to fight, do it somewhere else. If you want to fuck, do it quick and clean up afterwards. If you want to make yourselves useful, help me get the weapons on board.”

“Wait – wait, weapons? What weapons?” said Dan to her retreating back. “You said you were going fishing. Maze! What weapons?”

“Where’s all your stuff?” Eve asked when she showed him to his tiny cabin.

“I’m an archangel. I don’t have ‘stuff’.”

(Michael had already decided he didn’t like her. She was bubbly.)

“Heh. You should travel with Lucy sometime. We went to Vancouver for a weekend and he brought seven bags, five watches, and six pairs of shoes. Okay, do you – uh, do you at least have a change of clothes? Because those look kinda soggy.”

To his annoyance – and embarrassment – she spend twenty minutes hunting down a shirt and pants that would fit him.

“They’re mine,” she said, dropping them into his lap. “But I bought them to sleep in and I like loose pyjamas, so they’re a dozen sizes too big on me. Oh! Also found you this.”

She presented a hot water bottle in the shape of a fat, cuddly sheep.

He accepted it carefully, wondering if it was booby-trapped. “You’re Lucifer’s ex, right?”

“Er… yep? Amongst other things. The Original Sinner. First Woman, First Wife, First Mother. Mother of Mankind. Second Human. First Knowledgeable Human. But sure, I was also your brother’s girlfriend for a while.”

“And now you’re Mazikeen’s. Do you also work with her?”

“Sure do!” she said, interpreting the question as an invitation to sit down next to him. “I’m The Choronzon’s captain. That’s our boat’s name. My idea. I know she’s not much to look at but she’s got so much history. There’ve been fourteen homicides on her! Plus, she’s fast; way, way faster than she looks. And I know the beds are hard, but we’ve got three hammocks stashed away and getting them set up is easy as pie.”

“Wow. Those suckers up in the Silver City don’t know what they’re missing.”

She nodded, blinking slowly. “Hmm. Maze was right. You are mean. That’s cool. I get on well with mean people. Anyway, just in case she hasn’t told you; we’ve got a job lined up and we’ll be setting sail tomorrow at dawn. You get seasick? Not a problem; we’ve got a medical kit full of antiemetics. On that note, should we pick up something for you before we leave shore?”

“No.”

“You sure? Just that – uh – I mean, my third son, Seth, the one nobody talks about – he also had pretty severe scoliosis. Wasn’t a whole lot we could do about it back then. But these days they’ve got tons of stuff; opiods and anti-inflammatories and memory foam. Science is so, so cool. And I’m going shopping for sunscreen anyway, so dropping by the pharmacy wouldn’t be a problem.”

For a moment, he reviewed a list of responses that would deeply, profoundly hurt her, responses that would ensure she didn’t approach him again.

But he was tired, tired, tired.

“Here.”

He took a folded piece of A4 paper from his pocket and handed it to her. “These are what the last human doctor I went to recommended. Getting hold of those three I’ve circled is tricky, but I know a guy. Call him on that number down there and he’ll meet you wherever. If he gives you any trouble, remind him that Michael knows about the vacuum cleaner. That’ll shut him up.”

As soon as she’d bounced out of the room, he shut the door, locked it, and laid down to sleep.

It was night when he awoke.

He went upstairs to find Mazikeen and Eve sitting on the deck, admiring what stars could be seen through Los Angeles’ perpetual light pollution and sharing a pizza.

“Mickey! Get over here,” called Mazikeen, clad in a black dressing down and slippers shaped like plump pink pigs.

“It’s freezing,” he complained.

She snickered and threw him the prickly blanket that had been resting over her knees. “Wimp. Eve told you about the job, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know how to use any weapons?” Eve asked. “Maze sticks with her knives most of the time. I prefer my traps and crossbow. But we’ve got guns, if that’s more your speed.”

They were clearly expecting him to sit down. Eve had even scooted to the left to make room.

He opened the blanket up and wrapped it around his shoulders, remaining standing. “Can I ask a question? What, precisely, is my role here?”

“For now, you’re a meat shield,” said Mazikeen, talking through a mouthful of pepperoni and violently yellow cheese. “Me and Eve are both vulnerable to bullets. I mean – I’m less vulnerable, obviously. But I don’t hate any of my relatives enough to go about finding out exactly how many bullets it takes to snuff a demon. So your job, at least tomorrow, is just to soak up enemy fire until we’ve got our hands on the target.”

Scowling, he said, “Getting shot does hurt, you know.”

“Yeah,” she replied, eyes shining with spite. “Dan sure seemed to think so.”

When the tense silence had stretched for over thirty seconds, Eve clapped her hands, smiling anxiously, and said, “So! Anyone up for rummy?”

Along the California coastline, the cruise ship Illustrious Voyager bore four thousand three hundred and ten passengers, one thousand two hundred and ninety-six crewmembers, and two guide dogs.

Five thousand six hundred and eight souls, in total.

At around 4pm, without anyone noticing, that number became five thousand six hundred and nine.

Hands clasped behind her back, Eve strolled down the promenade, admiring the vessel’s size and beauty. This fresh new millennium’s wealth astonished her. Sickened, sometimes. Entranced, sometimes. But always astonished.

Back in the garden, they’d slept on and under rocks. When it rained, they got wet. When large animals came by, they hid. No weapons. No shelter. No blankets. The only resource they’d had in abundance was food. Good grief – so much food. God had been so proud of all the different fruits and nuts and mushrooms he’d made available to them, and Adam had been so grateful. Eve supposed she had been, too.

It hadn’t stopped her from one day approaching her husband and the plump rabbits resting in his lap – two of several dozen pets – and asking if he didn’t think the cold nights would be much more endurable if they each had a warm pair of fur slippers.

Then she’d met Lucifer. Fallen in love. Bitten the apple. Learned how powerful he and his Father truly were. That was when the real questions, the sticky, prickly questions, had come bubbling up.

If Lucifer has such a vast family, with so many siblings, why can’t I have even one? she’d asked the sky. Why is Adam all I get?

And later: If You can simply bring people into existence, why must I scream and bleed and shit myself in order to have children? Am I doing it wrong? Is there another way? If there isn’t, why not?

And later: Why is nothing fair?

And, most recently, after meeting Mazikeen: Why isn’t everything at least equally unfair? Why do humans get a world of options while Maze and her family are expected to serve angels from birth to death? Why isn’t Maze allowed into Heaven, even after an eternity of loyalty and hard work?

“Sorry,” she said, flashing white teeth at a passing crewmember. “I’m trying to find a friend of mine. Can you tell me how to get to Room 835?”

Half an hour later, there was a splash and the ship’s population dropped to five thousand six hundred and seven.

Before binding his arms and legs, Eve had secured Andrew Bismarck’s lifejacket and gagged him. Furious and helpless, he bobbed alongside her as the ship moved on and Mazikeen rowed up in her inflatable raft, wearing a sunset-orange swimsuit.

“Should I be worried about those, babe?” she asked as she gripped Bismarck’s lifejacket and hauled him out of the water.

Eve smiled at the dolphin pod swimming in playful loops around her, and patted the nearest one’s nose. “No. They’re my friends.”

The inflatable wasn’t big enough for three people, so Eve held on to a friend’s dorsal fin and let him drag her back to The Choronzon.

Michael stood on the deck, looking bored. As they climbed aboard, their prisoner slung over Mazikeen’s shoulder, he drawled, “Seriously? This sad specimen’s worth two million dollars?”

“Actually, his net worth is eight hundred million,” said Mazikeen, dumping him down. “Two million is just what his ex-wife is willing and able to pay.”

Wringing out her hair, Eve added, “She took half his money in the divorce but she gave almost all of it to a chimpanzee shelter. I really like her!”

His lip curled. “How delightfully sordid. Isn’t this all a little beneath you, Ms Mazikeen? I mean, you’re a big deal in Hell. High Commander of Lucifer’s legions, head advisor to the king himself. Aren’t you worried taking jobs like this diminishes you?”

Busy handcuffing Bismarck to the railing, Mazikeen said, “Eve, honey? Do me a favour?”

“Boop!” Eve chirped, having already snuck up behind Michael, and pushed him overboard.

“I know it’s your whole gimmick,” Mazikeen called down as he splashed and spluttered, his face red with princely indignation. “And I know you don’t have a lot else going for you. But the next time you try that on me, I will stop being nice. Kapish?”

“Kapish,” he muttered.

The Choronzon had barely travelled a mile before Eve spotted Bismarck’s henchmen coming after them.

“Someone gimme details!” shouted Mazikeen, busy putting a bulletproof vest on over her bikini and opening up the box she’d told Dan contained a fishing rod, not a halberd.

Eve peered through her binoculars. “Two speedboats. Twelve guys on jet skis. Guns everywhere.”

“Heh. Awesome. Mickey – move that tight ass to the front and make like a nice juicy target.”

“Wait, what about-…” Michael began, trailing off as Mazikeen dove gracefully into the sea.

Bouncing from foot to foot, Eve shot him a grin. “Don’t look so glum, sourpuss. This is the fun part.”

She’d never spoken to Michael in Heaven, despite the millennia they’d both resided only two miles apart, her in a lakeside cottage on the outskirts of the Silver City, him in the crystal palace in its centre.

Granted, she’d not exactly had a warm and fuzzy relationship with any of Lucifer’s siblings. They all knew what had happened in the garden. Some had been nice – Amenadiel had visited often, even though he’d never had much to say and they’d spent their time together skipping stones across the lake’s surface. But the others had kept her at a distance. She was a bad influence.

Michael, however, was the only angel she’d not ever said one word to.

She’d seen him, now and then, in the early days, when she was the only human in Heaven and, as such, grudgingly invited to divine family get-togethers. On those occasions, she’d spent too much time feeling awkward and out-of-place to pay attention to the sullen figure lurking in whatever shadows were available. The one time she’d glanced his way, it had been to marvel at the stories of people getting the twins mixed up; beyond the raw basics of bone structure, Michael couldn’t have looked less like her old lover.

Bullets sprayed across the hull. Humming, Eve stepped daintily into Michael’s shadow, seconds before they started bouncing off his shoulders and chest.

“It is beneath her,” he muttered.

She made an ambiguous noise. “How d’you figure?”

There came a shout and a splash from the nearest jet ski. The bullets stopped.

“C’mon. She’s Mazikeen. Everyone in the Silver City knows about Mazikeen. Ordinarily, we couldn’t give two dry shits about Lucifer’s minions, but her? She’s a minor celebrity. The power behind Hell’s throne. Christ, it’s no secret my beloved twin couldn’t govern his way out of a paper bag.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling fondly. “He’s kind of bad at everything. Except music. He’s a great musician.”

More shouting. More shooting. More bullets bouncing off Michael’s torso. Mazikeen rode by, one hand gripping her newly-acquired jet ski’s throttle lever, the other clutching her bloodstained halberd. Watching her circle the enemy, Eve was reminded of a sheep dog.

Michael went on: “And then there’s the fact that for a while, everyone thought Lucifer was going to marry her. It was all anyone could talk about. Jophiel was taking bets on when the proposal would happen. She’d have been High Commander and the Queen of Hell. Instead? All of a sudden, Lucifer takes an indefinite vacay to the mortal realm, drags her with him, and next thing anyone knows, she’s working behind a bar.”

The remaining jet skis and their terrified, wounded riders had been neatly rounded up, which meant it was time for Eve to open her purse.

“Um – how long have those been in there?” asked Michael, watching her take out three grenades.

“You want one?” she offered. “Don’t forget to take the pin out before you throw it. I did that my first time.”

One thing to be said for millions of dull, dull years spent sitting next to God’s Greatest Warrior, skipping stones across a lake; your aim got good.

The first blast was a warning, not close enough to actually kill any of Bismarck’s men, though the resultant waves did knock several into the water. They tried to retreat, turning their vehicles around, only to remember Mazikeen, corralling them single-handed and now armed with machine guns she’d confiscated from those already bested.

When they saw the second and third grenade incoming, they gave up and abandoned the jet skis, jumping into the sea and swimming for their lives.

“Fuck!” Michael yelped, blocking his ears at the concomitant explosions.

Gazing past the debris and smoke, Eve saw Mazikeen head for the nearest of the two speedboats. Its occupants, preoccupied with aiming a rocket launcher at The Choronzon, saw her coming far too late.

“I get your point,” said Eve, as her girlfriend and her halberd made short work of the crew. “But that’s a really… how can I put this? It’s a really angelic way of looking at things. Maze doesn’t consider anything ‘beneath her’.”

“Wow. Sick burn. You’re basically admitting she has no pride.”

“Oh, she’s got pride. Tons of pride. Her pride’s just dependant on how well she does a job, not on the type of job she has. She wasn’t happy working at Lux, but that wasn’t because she thought bartending was ‘beneath her’; it was because she prefers doing things she’s good at. Customer service isn’t really one of her strengths.”

The second speedboat was abandoned by its crew mere seconds before Mazikeen rammed the first speedboat into it, cackling victoriously.

“Actually,” Eve said, moving from Michael’s shadow to where Mazikeen had earlier set a crate of peach soda – her favourite – out on the deck, “now that you mention it, I guess I’m the one with no pride. Haven’t really ever had anything to be proud of. Your Dad never gave me the chance. I was never meant to do things. I was just meant to be.”

Michael snorted. “Lucky you. Trust me; he may have softened in his later years, but back in the day he never, ever stopped riding our asses. You think Lucy really rebelled because he had better plans for how the universe should be run? Because he was an innovator? Nope. Lazy dick just hated being told to do his chores.”

By the time Mazikeen swam back to them, saltwater had washed off the blood and her ponytail had come loose.

“Oh, hey,” said Eve, gripping her hand and pulling her up. “A mermaid.”

After pressing a rough kiss to her cheek and taking a swig of peach soda, Mazikeen asked, “You okay? He did his job?”

Eve patted the angel’s shoulder – the one that wouldn’t hurt. “He was terrific! Awesome addition to the team.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Michael mumbled.

Ignoring him, Mazikeen snatched up a towel to dry her hair. “Glad to hear it. Alright! Let’s get Bismarck back to shore, get paid, and find a place to have dinner so we can toast Team Hellrazor’s first successful mission.”

“R-A-Z-O-R,” Eve informed Michael. “To make it cooler.”

Bombshell curls. The only way to celebrate victory.

“Should I even ask why your hair smells like burning plastic?” asked Britney, a sixty-four year old veteran stylist with spectacles and a bright blue bob. She’d worked in Hollywood since she was seventeen and her skilled hands, according to rumour, had tended to Viola Davis herself.

Mazikeen flipped through a magazine with the hand that wasn’t getting its nails painted red-gold by two assistants down on their knees, as intensely focused as if they were touching up The Last Supper. “Blew up some jet skis. Don’t worry about it.”

Picking up the curling iron, Britney said, “That handsome guy you and Eve came in with… new boyfriend?”

“Ha! No. Not in a million years. He’s my intern.”

Eve had only wanted a trim and, as soon as it was done, had dragged Michael away to shop for books and shoes. She was trying, without much subtlety, to work out what he liked; what he did for fun; if he was even capable of having fun. Waste of time, in Mazikeen’s opinion, especially considering that before the end of the week he’d probably run away to some dark hole where he could get back to wallowing in his bitterness. But maybe not. Eve clearly had hope and Mazikeen trusted her judgement.

As the assistants moved on to her other hand, her phone buzzed.

Glancing up to meet Britney’s gaze in the mirror, Mazikeen said, “Get that for me? My nails are wet and it’s probably Eve. Word’s got out what happens to all other humans who call me on a Saturday.”

The older woman’s blue eyebrows bounced as she picked up the phone. “Might be that tasty boss of yours!”

“Nope,” she muttered, old unhappiness flaring hot in her heart. “He only ever calls when he wants me to do something and right now, there’s nothing he can’t do himself.”

Britney held the phone up in front of her face.

There was a message from Linda.

Charlie’s missing his Auntie Maze – see u for dinner Tuesday? J <3

“Uh – are you crying?” asked Britney.

“No!” she snapped. “Just… shut up. Reply for me. Say yes. And add a knife emoji. I always use knife emojis.”

Just then, a white woman with long brown hair and skinny jeans strode purposefully into the salon.

Britney tutted and held up a hand. “Ma’am? I’m sorry, but Ms Smith has booked the entire…”

She trailed off as the woman’s eyes flashed red.

“Chantinelle,” Mazikeen greeted, spinning the chair round and crossing her legs regally. “It’s okay, Britney. She’s a friend. Well – an ally.”

Gravel-voiced, like she smoked heavily, the other demon drawled, “I’m touched, your great and gracious Majesty.”

Mazikeen snickered. “Bitch, get over here.”

With a smirk, Chantinelle marched over and planted a fierce kiss on her cheek.

“What news from Hell?” Mazikeen asked her sister.

Chantinelle briefed her while Britney and the others finished up her curls and manicure. They spoke in Lilim, Chantinelle parking her denim-clad butt on the vanity next to an arsenal of combs and keeping one eye on the door. She’d already tried twice to convince Mazikeen that a queen needed a bodyguard, to no avail.

When their meeting was concluded, Britney said, “So you’re from Holland, right? Oh! It’s a lovely country. My cousin lives there and she’s always telling me to visit.”

(Britney knew they weren’t from Holland. Britney knew they weren’t from Earth. Britney was one of those people who coped with uncomfortable realities like demons in her workplace by ignoring them.)

“Will you be coming home soon?” Chantinelle asked before she left.

Studying her reflection – avoiding her sister’s gaze – Mazikeen said, “Mmm. Yeah. Soon. Just got a few things to finish up here.”

“Well, don’t keep us waiting too long. The family misses you. I mean – it’s been years, y’know?”

“I know. I do.”

“I didn’t know you had a family,” Britney commented after Chantinelle had gone. “How come you never talk about them?”

Mazikeen handed over a wad of blood-spattered cash. “Eh. After a while, I figured out that nobody likes it when I do.”

She began making her way across the mall to Eve’s favourite shoe shop, then stopped when she approached the arcade and heard her girlfriend’s laugh over the beeps and buzzes of various games.

Unsurprised, she wandered in and found her on the Dance Dance Revolution platform, barefoot and skirt twirling as she beat the shit out of someone’s high score, surrounded by a crowd of cheering, applauding onlookers.

Michael stood off to the side, clutching three bulging shopping bags and looking mortified.

“I couldn’t stop her,” he hissed to Mazikeen. “What the hell? What the actual hell? I thought you were trying to maintain a reputation on this crummy rock! What’re your enemies going to think if this is how your allies behave in public?”

“I figure they’ll think something like, ‘Oh my God, she’s tapping that? I am going to literally die of jealousy’,” Mazikeen said, kicking off her stilettos and handing them to him. “Go fetch us some bottled water, wimp. We’ll be here for a while.”

Eve’s competitor on the adjacent platform yelped as Mazikeen shoved him off and took his place.

“Hi, pretty lady,” said Eve, her eyes sparkling. “You know I’ve been dancing for millions of years, right?”

Mazikeen grinned at her and tossed back her bombshell curls. “Bring it, beautiful.”

Out the corner of her eye, she saw Michael blush bright red.

What was he doing here?

“We are fifteen miles over the speed limit!”

Mazikeen cackled and drove faster. In the seat beside her, Eve punched the air and turned up the radio until Michael thought Rihanna’s voice would burst even his divine eardrums. (Contrary to his brother’s accusations, he did, in fact, enjoy some types of music. Just not when it was loud or fast-paced.)

“May I remind you of a crucial fact?” he demanded, having to shout to be heard. “It’s not me who’ll die if this thing flips! Angel, remember? You two are the ones who’ll be splattered all over the road! Hello? Is anybody listening to me?”

“I’m a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine,” Mazikeen sang.

The desert outside the cherry-red convertible they’d stolen in Las Vegas was a sickening blur and he hated it. Not that he’d never travelled this fast – though he was slower than just about all his siblings in the air, he could still outpace a jet. But flying under his own power couldn’t be compared to being trapped in this hideous human death trap under the command of a demon and a madwoman.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, this time to himself, gripping his seatbelt with both hands like it was the neck of an angry serpent. “Whatever happens. Even if we crash. They’ll die. I’ll be fine.”

“Hey!” called Eve, turning to look at him, squinting. “Are you really not having fun? Maze! Slow down! He’s not having fun.”

Mazikeen groaned but brought them back to a less terrifying percentage of light speed, while Eve undid her seatbelt and climbed into the back with Michael.

He sputtered. “Jesus H. Christ – you’re not supposed to do that while the vehicle is moving. Rules exist for a reason, goddammit.”

“I’m sorry we freaked you out,” Eve told him, with… confusing sincerity.

None of his siblings had ever apologised for frightening him, Lucifer least of all (“Aww – don’t be so nervous, brother!” and a golden laugh from the brave, adventurous Morningstar after he’d enticed Michael to fly with him into a hurricane for fun and the noise and sight of it had made his twin cry).

When Michael was young, he’d assumed that was because apologies were for lesser beings, like mortals – except that when he’d discovered his latent talent for underhanded pranks, his siblings had all turned around and demanded apologies from him. The pranks had become progressively mean-spirited after that.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop – for the punchline – he said, carefully, “It’s fine.”

The wind had blown Eve’s hair all over the place. As she brushed it out of her eyes, he was reminded that today she’d chosen to wear one of her thin white summer dresses, this one low-cut enough to make it clear that that was all she was wearing.

Now mischievous, she winked at him. “But you know… if I made a habit of following those rules you like so much, I’d still be married and bored out of my mind. Wanna kiss?”

He nearly jumped out of the car.

“Uh,” he croaked.

His gaze flickered past Eve’s inquisitive face to the back of Mazikeen’s head. How long did he have? How many milliseconds left before she turned around and tore out his throat in a fit of frenzied jealousy?

“Hell, yeah!” Mazikeen cheered, throwing up the horns. “One of you take a picture for me. Or, better yet, move over so I can see you in the rear view mirror.”

Eve’s chin tilted downwards as she examined Michael. “I dunno. Doesn’t seem like he’s into it. Er – yikes. Actually, I think he’s gonna throw up. Might wanna pull over, babe.”

“I’m not going to throw up! I just need… just need air. Could you sit back for a moment?” he hissed.

She did so and he got his breathing under control. Crap, his shoulder hurt so much today.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, fidgeting. “I didn’t mean to-…”

“Is this because of him?” Michael snarled, suddenly furious.

“What?”

“Him! Lucifer! He dumped you, yeah? And now you’re – what, trying to get back at him by hitting on me? Or is it just because I look like him so I’m the best substitute you can get, or-…”

She slapped him.

It hurt.

(It really did. What? Since when did getting hit by mortals hurt?)

Mazikeen whistled approvingly.

“No,” said Eve, half-growling. “I’m not like that. I don’t use people like that, Michael.”

He touched the part of his face where her skin had met his. It felt hot. Tingly. He swallowed. “Um – right. Got it.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

The anger in her eyes subsided. “Good. Now, would you like to kiss me or not? It’s fine if you don’t want to. You’ll still be part of the team. This is just for fun.”

Feeling oafish and off-kilter, he gestured at Mazikeen. “Won’t she mind?”

“Nope!” Mazikeen volunteered without hesitation.

Eve, exasperated, huffed, ��I already asked her if she’d mind. Do you really think I’d put the offer on the table if I hadn’t? Whatever they say about me in the Silver City, I’m neither frivolous nor disloyal. I didn’t go behind Adam’s back when I fell in love with your brother; I told him to his face what I was doing.”

“Oh. Didn’t know that.”

“Because he didn’t tell anyone. He didn’t care. Adam was a decent man who didn’t love me at all. But Maze does, and I love her, and we’ve decided this is something we’re both okay with.”

“Yeah, most demons are poly,” Mazikeen told him. “As long as everyone’s on board and on the same page, you can hook up with whoever you like.”

“Last chance: kiss or no kiss?” said Eve.

She was close enough now for him to smell her perfume. His chest felt tight. “I don’t like ultimatums.”

“Okay. How about wagers? I bet you anything I’m the best kisser you’ve ever met. Or requests? Please, please kiss me, Michael. Or-…”

She was so warm. Her breath flowing into his mouth felt like drinking hot chocolate on a Winter’s night, sugary heat poured down his throat and filling up his whole chest.

His bones seemed to melt. He slid down the seat, half-pushed, until he lay almost flat with her on top of him, cradling his face in her hands, her thumbs making slow, comforting circles on his jaw.

“Ghnnff-fu-fuck,” he slurred.

That he was hard, and had been hard ever since he’d noticed how low-cut her dress was, seemed almost irrelevant in the face of far more interesting observations, like the soft grunts she made or the way her breasts felt pressed tight against him, until she slid a thigh between his legs.

He cried out. Arched.

“There you go,” she purred against his neck.

Elegant and effortless, she took off her shoes and her panties, and slid down onto his cock with a soft, fluttering sigh. Grabbed his hand and raised it to cover one of her nipples.

Just before he came, he opened his eyes and gazed up, and the sun had moved behind her, draining all but her edges of definition, and the wind had picked up her hair again and sent it billowing up and out, like dark wings. Like his wings.

“Michael! Ah!”

The car stopped.

“Huh,” said Mazikeen. “There’s something you don’t see every day.”

She pointed. Panting, they both followed her finger.

Across the sky, from one horizon to the next, the clouds had arranged themselves into the words

I LOVE YOU DETECTIVE !!!!

-LM

“Oh, crud,” said Eve.

Fuck the next bounty.

After thinking about it for ten seconds, Mazikeen turned them around and started driving straight for Los Angeles.

Eve can talk to him. Not me. He needs to talk to someone, and Eve will do.

Barely half a mile later, Amenadiel dropped out of the sky and landed in the middle of the road, just far enough away for her to bring the car to a screeching halt before it would otherwise have slammed into him like wet clay into a steel wall.

“We’ve got a problem,” he said, looking exhausted.

She snorted and pointed skyward. “Yeah. This? Not gonna lie, I was expecting something like this. But I thought it would take, like, at least a month.”

Wincing, Amenadiel said, “No, that’s… that’s a different problem and Chloe’s promised to discuss it with him. Maze, we need you back at Lux. Now.”

“Hi, Amenadiel!” Eve called, waving.

He succeeded in smiling at her without even glancing at Michael, despite his younger brother sitting right at her side, glaring fixedly.

“Why?” demanded Mazikeen, tensely drumming her fingers on the wheel. (Inner voice hissing, Shouldn’t have left him alone, you dumb bitch, you’ve been doing this for centuries and you know what he’s like when you leave him alone for more than five minutes.) “Seriously – what could he possibly need me for? He’s God.”

Sighing, Amenadiel put his wings away. “Mazikeen, we’re all well aware that Lucy often… has difficulty focusing. To put it mildly. There’s a lot more for him to focus on now than ever before. He’s trying to undo climate change. To that end, he started refreezing all the melted ice in the Arctic. But he did it too quickly and, resultantly, there are several hundred trapped ships we need to save and several thousand dead penguins to resurrect and, to be honest, he hasn’t really got the hang of resurrection yet – you remember what Dan looked like for the first few hours after Lucifer brought him back to life…”

“Eurgh. Yeah. Yuck. Totes not the kinda shit you’d wanna see in Happy Feet.”

Michael was snickering.

“Right. And then there are all the changes he’s been making locally,” Amenadiel went on. “The expansion of Lux, the overnight disappearance of all Los Angeles’ firearms, his deciding that the city’s white supremacist population should grow a third ear so they can be easily identified, and, well, it turns out that a lot of Chloe’s colleagues at the police station-…”

“I get it, I get it. Chaos everywhere. As usual. What, exactly, is the problem he wants me to fix?”

Amenadiel exhaled heavily. “The demons. The ones you brought from Hell to help us defeat Michael.”

“Oh, so you do remember I exist,” Michael muttered.

Stonily ignoring him, Amenadiel said, “They’re still on Earth and they’re causing trouble. The one called Dromos, in particular. He’s gathered followers and they’ve surrounded Lux.”

Her brother’s face – his real face, not the human puppet he wore – flashed through her mind’s eye; a memory from when they were unruly children and had raced through Hell together, using the stone pillars that they’d not yet known were cells as an obstacle course. She’d been faster; he, more athletic. Together with a few cousins, they’d made a fearsome team, and not even their meanest older siblings had bullied them.

She folded her arms and looked away. “They’re demons. Lucifer can deal with them. Snap his fingers and turn them into rats or whatever. Make them explode.”

“Mazikeen,” Eve murmured, soft and low, touching her shoulder. “You don’t want that. They’re your family.”

Amenadiel blinked, as though that hadn’t occurred to him. “Er… yes, there’s that. There’s also the fact that Lucifer doesn’t want all of humanity to see him as the type of God who casually annihilates his enemies; a harsh, vindictive God. He wants to be liked. To be loved.”

“Fine. So why don’t you and the other angels sort it out?”

“Come now, Maze. A bunch of angels and a bunch of demons waging war in the midst of a bustling city? Humans will die. But you’re the Queen of Hell now and, by extension, the Queen of Demons. If you command Dromos to stand down, he will. This can all be resolved peacefully.”

Eve’s fingertips were cool against her skin.

Mazikeen looked back at the sky. The cloud letters were starting to dissolve. “What does he want?”

“Who?”

“Dromos. He doesn’t act on instinct. He’s a planner. He wants something.”

Shrugging, Amenadiel said, “He shouted at me about demanding an audience with the king. I didn’t ask for details. I don’t really care. Dromos isn’t someone I’m inclined to listen to at the best of times. The last time the wretch showed his face on Earth, he kidnapped my son.”

“Mmm. Kinda like your sister was gonna do. Kinda like you were gonna do, now that I think about it.”

“Maze!” he gasped, sounding shocked and hurt. “You can’t compared poor Remiel’s misguided actions to-…”

“I’ll do it,” she interrupted. “Take me to Lux. Now.”

“Excuse me? What about us?” snapped Michael.

Mazikeen met Eve’s gentle gaze. “You don’t need to be involved in this. My family drama, it – it’s not pretty.”

“My son killed my son,” said Eve, taking her hand. “My husband loved another woman. I’m used to drama.”

Swallowing, Mazikeen glanced at Michael. “And you, wimp?”

Feigning disinterest – feigning it badly – he said, “You showed up to my last domestic dispute. Guess this’ll make us square.”

“I’ve only got two arms. I can’t carry all of you,” Amenadiel pointed out.

Mazikeen rubbed her chin. “No… but you can carry the car, right?”

He didn’t have time for this. There was so much to do.

“World hunger,” he recited as he bounced from one laptop to the next, all twenty-three of them displaying a different article or video by a leading scientific or sociological mind, “wealth inequality, pollution, cancer, droughts, racism, elderly abuse, housing shortages, cruelty to animals…”

“Lucifer,” said Linda patiently, sitting on his best couch with her legs crossed, a cup of coffee and a laptop of her own beside her. “You said you wanted my advice as to how you should manage this whole ‘being God’ business.”

“I do, doctor! Very much. Your input is invaluable. Blast, where did I put that map of Alaska? I’m thinking of making it bigger; slotting it in alongside the Arctic to help stabilise all that new ice.”

“Right. Thanks. So here – here is what I’m suggesting now; slow down. Seriously. Take a breath, step back, and think your next move through.”

He scoffed. “‘Slow down’? Doctor, I need to work at least three times faster if I’m to keep up with everything. There are people suffering everywhere, millions of them! There are sinners in need of punishment! I’m seriously considering asking Chloe to be my Deputy God. I never imagined omnipotence would entail so much paperwork and she’s always been better at that than me.”

Outside the penthouse, many stories below, the chanting grew louder. None of the human police officers, journalists, and gawkers who’d gathered to watch could understand it; it was in Lilim.

Cursing, Lucifer strode to the balcony and shouted down, “For the last time, would you all kindly piss off? I’m trying to fix an entire planet here!”

He heard the elevator open and moaned. “Detective, not now. Please. I’m very sorry I haven’t returned your calls – I swear I’m not avoiding you – it’s just that I’ve got a lot on my plate today and we did already agree to meet for supper at-…”

“Lucifer,” said Linda, sounding terrified.

“Lucifer,” said someone else, sounding irritable.

Now that he was God, rage didn’t turn his eyes red anymore. It turned them gold and blindingly bright, like spotlights. Fists clenched, he turned to see Dromos step into the penthouse, once again clad in the flesh of the late Father Kinley and wearing a leather jacket.

“Nice trick, making all the doors disappear. Finally decided to climb up the side of the building with a sledgehammer and burrow my way through into the elevator shaft,” said the demon, hands in his pockets and concrete dust coating his beard and his bald head. “I want to talk to you, sire.”

Storming across the room while Linda remained frozen, white-faced, on the couch, Lucifer snarled, “You! You have the nerve to come here, to stand before me, after what you did to my nephew?”

He took Dromos by the neck and lifted him off the ground, his wings opening in fury (he had six of them now).

Stoical even as he choked, Dromos said, “I need. To talk. I will leave immediately afterwards.”

“Oh, you’ll leave, alright! You’ll be lucky if I don’t throw you into an active volcano, you accursed traitor!”

Dromos’ stolen skin began to sizzle beneath his fingers. He waited until the demon’s face was wrinkled with pain before throwing him to the floor hard enough to crack the wood and make a crater.

“I will leave,” Dromos gasped, coughing up blood, “when I have spoken.”

“What could you possibly have to say for yourself? Kidnapper. Child-thief.”

Still on the couch, Linda said tremulously, “Lucifer, you’re… you’re hurting him. Stop it. Please.”

“Let us stay!” shouted Dromos, and coughed again before dragging himself up onto his knees. “On Earth. That’s what I came to say. Let your erstwhile subjects stay on Earth if they choose – at least, those who served you in the battle against Michael. Don’t force them to return to Hell. Let them, let us choose where we live, going forward. That’s my request, your Majesty. My only request.”

Lucifer boggled at him. “Is that a joke? Demons? On Earth, indefinitely, unsupervised? Are you out of your tiny mind, Dromos?”

Baring teeth, Dromos said, “Why not? What does it matter to you now? You’ve got everything you could possibly want. Everything anyone could possibly want! All we’re asking is the freedom to come and go as we please.”

“No.”

He spoke the word bluntly, and then he stepped back, adjusting his cuffs. Regaining his composure. “Never. You’re dangerous and untrustworthy. This world is for humans, not you. Good grief, haven’t I got enough to preoccupy my mind, without the added stress of demons rampaging around town?”

“We won’t rampage. We just-…”

“Why are you even coming to me with this? Mazikeen’s the new Queen of Hell. Didn’t you get the memo?”

Dromos wiped blood from his lips. “I don’t know if my sister and I are on speaking terms right now. And she may be Queen, but you’re God; I assumed you would be tasked with such decisions. After all, there’s never been a demon in charge of Hell before. We were told – we were always told – that only angels could rule us. I don’t doubt Mazikeen’s competence, but I…”

He seemed to run out of steam, spreading his hands and finishing weakly, “Lucifer, you’re the king. You’ve been the king for millions of years. For my entire life. Look, if you really don’t want us leaving Hell, then can you at least use your newfound power to improve it? Let us have the things mortals enjoy? Pianos, dogs, blankets, weekends, all that stuff?”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “That would rather defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? Hell is supposed to be a place of punishment. The ultimate consequence awaiting sinners. I need a carrot and a stick, Dromos. How else am I supposed to convince people to behave if I don’t? Imagine a rapist arriving in Hell and being confronted with demons playing pianos and walking their dogs. Wouldn’t have quite the desired effect, would it?”

Dromos was quiet for a moment, then said without inflection, “Perhaps you could find somewhere else to put rapists. Somewhere other than our home.”

Throwing up his arms, Lucifer said, “More demands! Don’t you see how selfish you’re being? Here I am, doing my best to end all suffering, and you’re complaining about babysitting a few evil-doers – which, might I remind you, is your job. Nay, your very reason for existence. Always has been. Why’re you getting stroppy about it now?”

“I think,” Linda began, taking a tentative step forward before stopping and clearing her throat. “Excuse me. May I interrupt? Um. Okay, so I think that maybe Dromos has a point here, Lucifer.”

“Doctor! This is the creature that stole your baby!”

“Yes, I know. And I’m not saying I forgive him for that, but…”

“I wasn’t going to eat the brat,” Dromos grumbled. “I was going to make him a king.”

“You took him away from his mother!” Lucifer shouted.

“Gentlemen!” said Linda, sharply. “Please! Let’s try to talk this through like adults.”

Overcome with frustration, and only vaguely aware that he’d not been sleeping well lately, Lucifer kicked the nearest chair. “I can’t believe you’re siding with him, doctor.”

“I’m not siding with anyone. I-…”

“You don’t know these people like I do. You didn’t spend millions of years in Hell alongside them. The only demon you’ve ever gotten acquainted with is Maze, and she’s not like the others; even without a soul, she’s learned how to behave like a more-or-less civilised adult, barring the occasional tantrum. But your average, baseline demon has nothing to them besides wrath and cruelty. Lilith made them to be weapons and that’s all they really are. I mean – just imagine, for a moment, how hard it was for me. To go from the Silver City, the most beautiful place ever created, to a lightless nightmare realm full of these bloodthirsty animals. To be surrounded by them, for endless eons, while they nattered mindlessly on and on about how much they love torture and pain and…”

He trailed off. Linda and Dromos were both looking past him.

To the elevator. Where – oh – Mazikeen was standing.

Where Mazikeen was crying.

No sobs, not like when Dan had died. No expression at all, really. Just open eyes, motionless muscles, and steady tears.

Before Lucifer could say a word, she pressed the button to close the elevator doors.

“Wait!” he yelped, sprinting over to stop them.

He needn’t have bothered. Now that he was God, objects did whatever he told them to do. The doors stilled, half-open.

“That sounded wrong,” he acknowledged, clasping her shoulders in apology. “You completely missed the context. What I was trying to say was-…”

“Don’t touch me.”

It was a phrase he’d heard many times before from mortal lovers to whom he had accidentally revealed his Devil Face. Some of them said it in horror. Some of them, the religious ones, said it in anger.

Mazikeen looked neither horrified nor angry. She looked sick. As though the very sight of him turned her stomach.

Lumbering over, Dromos stepped into the elevator alongside her and pointedly pressed the button again. With no idea what to do or say, Lucifer allowed the machinery to work.

The elevator closed.

“What have I done?” he asked Linda.

Nothing I didn’t know.

“Maze?” called Eve, waiting by the car with the others as Mazikeen stepped out of Lux’s front door and into the sunlight.

The door hadn’t been there when they’d arrived. She’d been forced to use Dromos’ route. Lucifer must have decided to put it back. He could do that now. Just decide things. Didn’t need servants, nor followers, nor anyone. Sure didn’t need a ‘more-or-less civilised adult’ whose kin were animals.

“Maze! Wait!”

Mazikeen didn’t know where she was going, only that she was walking very quickly and felt that she’d die if she stopped. She heard Eve’s heels patter on the pavement and heard her say her name a third time, quiet and worried, and that was what stilled her feet.

“What happened?” murmured Eve, cupping her face.

The fifty or so demons who’d been standing around outside Lux when Amenadiel had set the car and its passengers down were still there. Instead of chanting to get their king’s attention, they were now looking at her.

Michael and Amenadiel stood among them, the latter having been trying to convince them to stop blocking traffic.

Which was what she should have been doing. It was what he’d brought her here to do. But she’d been gripped by a sudden, violent need to see Lucifer, to check on him, just quickly, before tending to her siblings. Once a bodyguard, always a bodyguard.

Except that wasn’t what I was. Not to him. To him, I was a Rottweiler on a leash.

“Are you alright?” asked Amenadiel, his eyes overflowing with concern.

That was what cracked her.

To him. Not to everyone. Not to Eve, or Amenadiel, or Linda. It’s not that I’m incapable of earning love and respect.

I’m just incapable of earning his.

Her legs gave out. She crumpled against Lux’s outside wall and started to weep properly, loud and bitter.

Eve immediately dropped down beside her, holding her tight. Michael shuffled closer, rubbing his shoulder while his mouth opened and shut, testing out sentences that were never spoken.

Then Dromos was there, kneeling, his face sad and tired.

“We did what we were told,” she said to him in Lilim, through sniffles. “We obeyed. We were loyal. We… we…”

“We are alone, sister,” he replied. “But I think we always were.”

“We obeyed!”

“We obeyed Lilith and she left. We obeyed Lucifer and he left. No one wants us, Mazikeen. It’s just the truth.”

She took a shuddering breath and squeezed her eyes shut. “No. I want us.”

Seizing his jacket��s shoulder, she hauled herself to her feet and addressed the crowd, her voice raw: “I want you! You’re my family and I want you! And I swear I will be the queen you deserve, for as long as you’ll have me!”

Her human skin fell away, the left side of her face turning cold, bony, and brittle.

Stepping back to join their siblings, Dromos asked hesitantly, “What would you have us do, then, my queen? What are your orders?”

Hurriedly drying her eyes, she studied them one by one. “Whoever wants to can stay here. But I’m going home. Hell is going to be ours, Dromos. No more damned souls. No more angels. It’s ours now and we’re going to make it into something we can love.”

She turned to face Eve and Michael, her heart pounding. “You’ll come with me, yeah? You’ll stand with me?”

“Always,” said Eve, closing in to kiss her.

“Whatever,” Michael muttered, clearly just relieved that the crying part was over.

Amenadiel sighed, shaking his head gravely. “Mazikeen, are you sure this is what you want? You won’t be able to leave Hell on your own – you’ll need to contact me.”

“Yeah. At least until this one grows his feathers back,” she said, gesturing at Michael. “That’s okay. You’ll always come when I call, right?”

“Of course. You’re my friend, Maze. I’m sorry if I haven’t said that often enough.”

Fuck it. Cringing on the inside, Mazikeen drew Amenadiel into a quick, gruff hug. “You too, idiot.”

TO BE CONTINUED

#lucifer #mazikeen #lucifer morningstar #eve #michael #michael demiurgos #amenadiel #dan espinoza #linda martin #fanfic #my fic

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fangirl-1523 · 4 years ago

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My Sworn Brothers [Luffy x Crossover!Sister!Reader x Ace x Sabo]

A/N: Hey, so I want to write a High School AU of the many, many anime I have watched/ read. Bleach, Blue Exorcist, Devil is a Part-Timer, Durarara, Fairy Tail, Fullmetal Alchemist, High School of the Dead, InuYasha, Kill La Kill, Magi, My Hero Academia, Noragami, One Piece, Ouran High School Host Club, Pokemon, Saiki K, Sailor Moon, Seven Deadly Sins, Soul Eater, Sword Art Online, Vampire Knight, Your Lie in April, and Yu Gi-Oh. And I was wondering who would you like to be apart of your friend? And would you like to have a relation to any of the characters of the world.

Summary: [Y/N] is the oldest sworn sister to Luffy, Ace, and Sabo. And after finding Ace and Sabo aboard Luffy’s ship, the Thousand Sunny, she explains to them who she is, her other sworn brothers and sisters, embarrasses the three of them (a regular Tuesday for her), and threatens them with a chalkboard for interrupting her. Multiple times. In this story, most of the anime I am into is in the same world (Bleach, Blue Exorcist, Fairy Tail, Fullmetal Alchemist, InuYasha, Magi, My Hero Academia, Naruto, Noragami, Seven Deadly Sins, and Sword Art Online. I might do a part 2.

Warnings: spoilers for the above mangas and animes, also, even though this is along the timeline of after the time skip (at some point), I took the creative liberty to have Ace alive during this meeting for a quad family reunion, might be language

Word Count: 1, 668

“How the hell am I suppose to believe that my three idiotic brothers would be in the same place at the exact same time I’m trying to find them?” the girl with [H/C] hair, old enough to be Luffy’s age, maybe a year younger or a year older than him.

“[Y/N]!!” the rubber boy flung himself at her in a hug.

She fell down on her butt from the impact of the hug. She groaned before pushing the boy off of her and standing up, dusting herself off. “Geez, Lu. I was on a job, just finished, and I heard something about a Straw Hat, a Fire Fist, and a blonde with a top hat that put the mad hatter to shame. I just came to see if the rumors are true.”

“What job did you have, sis?” Sabo said as he sipped a smoothie created from Vinsmoke Sanji.

“Well, you see. In the ten years I’ve been gone, I’ve been busy. Both with being lazy and being diligent.” the girl explained. “I am a member of Fairy Tail. Dragon Slayer Magic, particularly fire, water, earth, air, and plant. Requip the Knight. Some space jumping there and vortex opening here.”

“You got the two mixed up, kid.” Ace said from his spot next to Sabo.

The girl grinned an evil grin. “Oh, did I, Ace of Clubs?”

The raven haired pirate groaned at the nickname while Luffy’s crew members wondered after the nickname. Ace kept giving her the don’t-tell-them-anything look with a cut-it-out motion. She, like most people she knew, did not listen to reason.

“Well, when we were younger, I attempted to teach the pour unfortunate souls that you call Luffy, Sabo, and Ace golf. And we played mini-gold. First hole we went to, the club flew out of Ace’s hand and crashed into the window where the pour lady working the club stand was clonked on the head and fell unconscious. Another fun fact: I’m overly competitive and therefore master of mini gold. Luffy on the other hand... beat my bowling high score of just a little over four hundred points.” [Y/N] explained.

“THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY GOLF, YOU IDIOT!” Usopp shouted at his captain.

“Ace was a lot worse. However, on the eighteenth hole, got a hole in one. Although with team sports, I always sided with Luffy ‘cuz he was the baby of the family.” she explained.

“Never play Volleyball with her unless you’re Luffy.” Sabo warned the Straw Hat Pirates.

“Could you... possibly.... explain who you are?” asked Nami.

“That’s an easy and excellent question, m’lady. I am [Y/N] [L/N], the daughter of the Demon King from the Demon Clan, Niece of Solomon, adoptive daughter of the great dragon, The Curse of Depravity, a mage of S-Class ranking, the best older sister anyone can have, a Shinigami, and the Pirate Fairy.” [Y/N] said with her hands on her hips like wonder woman.

“You’re not wonder woman, dumbass.” Ace muttered.

She scowled at the boy (who was now physically older than her). “I know that, asshole.” Ace shrugged his shoulders at that. “Anyways, I should get going. I’m here with my teammates. And Salamander will have a cow if he finds out I’m on a Pirate Ship. Which may or may not include Natsu asking you all to fight him at once for his sister.” [Y/N] shrugged.

“SISTER?!” Luffy screeched.

“YOU ALREADY REPLACED US?!” Ace and Sabo said in unison.

“This is why I never took you to Amusement parks or sat next to you on a ride.” she clenched at her swollen ears. “No, I was merely saying that I have something called [Y/N]’s Council of Brothers. They’re basically a band of boys I feel need my protection, wisdom, and power to embarrass them until they’re six feet under and rotting.”

“She’s dark.” Nami said. “But can you explain this whole Council of Brothers thing. Because I’m not sure they,” the ginger pointed to the three brothers, “understand.”

“Alright! I will go over a lesson here!” and suddenly a white board appeared by her side with writing already on it.

“Where did you get the white board?” asked Luffy.

“That’s not important right now.” she scowled. “Yes, Sabo.”

“Was that Whiteboard always there and we just never noticed it?” the blonde asked.

“No. Ace if this is a question about the white board, I will smack you with the same gold club that flew through that window. All questions about the stupid whiteboard will be answered after I explained everything. Got it?”

The three brothers grumbled out a, “Yes.”

“Good. Anyways, to start it off I have two half-brothers. Meliodas and Zeldris.” she slapped a pointer stick against the whiteboard.

“Did she always have that?” Ace asked, whispering it to his two brothers.

“I don’t know. I’m just glad someone noticed it besides me.” Sabo murmured back.

“SILENCE, YOU INSOLENCE FOOLS!” and she threw a frying pan which hit Ace in the head.

Why does she have a frying pan in her requips? Sabo wondered in his head, not wanting to get hit in the head with anything else she might have to throw at them.

“Anyways, Meliodas and Zeldris are my half-brothers. Zeldris is the captain of the Demon Clan’s ten Commandments while Meliodas is the captain of Liones’s Seven Deadly Sins of which I am co-captain and the Phoenix Sin of Darkness. To be fair, I look more like my mother and I think the only thing me, Meliodas, and Zeldris share is our dumbassery we inherited from our father. Second off, my cousin is Magi Aladdin since my mother is his father, Solomon,’s sister. Now, that’s enough of my actual biological family. Now, I won’t go into detail about those three. Because you already seem well-acquainted with one another. Anyways, onto the next one. The next one on my list of brothers is a half-demon named Rin who is the son of Satan along with his younger brother, Yukio, but he doesn’t really need protection. next is Kazuto Kirigaya also known as Kirito. I prefer to call him that. He got stuck in a game where if you die there, you die in real life, but he defeated them. next, we have Satan himself, a king of demons, Sadou Maou. He works as a part-timer for a fast food chain which is sad to be honest. Next, we have Alibaba Saluja, a prince and a king’s candidate, also my cousin’s best friend. He wields the fire djinn, Amon. Also, he’s trying to be a gladiator while figuring out his feelings for Fanalis and former slave Morgiana. Next, we have actual God Yato who is a former god of calamity and a current god of war. I think. I’m not quite sure. But he and his two regalia, Yukine and a Nora named Kazuma, but also Kazune under Yato, must be protected by me at all cost. Then, we have Edward Elric, a alchemist missing both a leg and an arm because he wanted to see his mom’s smile again which kicks me in the heartstrings whenever I hear it. His brother, Alphonse, is an honorary member of the Council of Brothers. And he used to be entirely a soul attached to a suit of armor. No joke.”

“Does no one else notice that they are mostly raven haired or blonde?” Nico Robin commented.

The Straw Hat Pirates turned to the three sworn brothers who just shrugged their shoulders at that. “I admit I am guilty for that. But my actual brothers are raven headed and blonde, so that may be the reason. Anyways, off to the next people. Now, this person could make Luffy look like a genius. Sometimes. Natsu Dragneel, a salmon haired fire dragon slayer, is the brother of Zeref Dragneel, the black wizard, and also simultaneously END, the most powerful demon of the book of zeref which makes him one of the top fifteen most powerful demons. Next, we have strawberry boi, Ichigo Kurosaki, a shinigami who I’ve been helping train. He could see the dead and then he discovered his spiritual power, stole the shinigami powers of Rukia Kuchiki, and started to exorcist hollows and send souls to the soul society. Then, we have my favorite band of brothers since they could literally be in a band. Broccoli Boi, Izuku Midoriya, kinda has a power augmentation quirk, best way to describe it without giving too much away, Porcupine Katsuki Bakugo who can blow things up with help from his sweat. Zuko Wannabe Shoto Todoroki who can wield fire and ice. Also, his brother Touya may or may not be Dabi. Then, Pikachu Kaminari Denki who can utilize elctricity, but too much and he makes Luffy look like a genius. No joke. Well… maybe… I don’t really know. Anyways, then we have speedster Tenya Iida. Oh, there’s sharkboy Eijiro Kirishima. He can make himself go as hard as rock, but he has limitations. Then, we have spidertape Hanta Sero that can shoot tape out of his elbows. Then, half-demon InuYAsha who is the son of a dog demon and a mortal woman. There’s also Shippo who is an adorable little kitsune. And I think I got everyone.” the girl looked at her board before smacking it again as she noticed Luffy had begun to doze off while Ace had totally fallen asleep.

The action alerted the two boys to wake up at once and glare at their older sister. And then, a silver haired undead man with a flying blue cat landed on the floor of the ship. “Thank goodness we found you. C’mon. We got a mission and you and your ‘Team Natsu’ have a job request from the old man and a princess.”

“So Hisui and Bartra both agree to have us do something, but what is this so-called mission?” asked [Y/N].

Ban smirked. “We’re fighting slave-trading pirates.”

“I want in!” Luffy cheered.

#one piece #sabo #portgas_d_ace #portgas d. ace #luffy #monkey d luffy #fairy tail #seven deadly sins #anime #crossover #one piece x reader #asl #asl x sister reader

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theradioghost · 7 years ago

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Audio Drama Podcast Recs

EDIT: well jesus this thing is getting old! If you’re looking for podcast recommendations I would recommend checking some of the newer posts I’ve made. I’ve expanded my subscription list from about 30 to over 150 in the years since I posted this, & at at this point it’s a pretty inadequate rec list.

Because I’ve gotten a few questions over time about podcast recs, both from people who are curious about audio drama, and fellow denizens of Podcast Hell™ who need something new, I wanted to put together this list so I could go a bit more into detail about why I love and recommend each of these amazing audio dramas.

Rather than trying to rank them, I tried to organize this list roughly based on popularity, at least based on my dash! More well-known shows are listed first, and then my faves that I don’t see getting nearly the love that they deserve. Especially with the volume of new innovative audio drama being created, there’s some really good stuff out there not getting nearly enough attention. Which is not to say that, if you’re a new podcast fan, you have to start with the most popular – but those shows are more likely to have an active fandom. (Of course, there are a ton of great podcasts out there, and plenty (both popular and obscure) that I don’t listen to yet.)

I also have a podcast rec tag and a very long list of audio dramas, if you want to go hunting for something beyond these recommendations here. Additionally, if you want more details or content warnings about any of these shows, feel free to message me on or off anon and I’ll do my best to answer! This post really focuses on the positives of each show and who I think might enjoy them.

WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE – Community radio from a friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, the dog park is forbidden, the mayoral candidates aren’t human, the weather is a mystery, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

If you know anything about audio drama podcasts, there’s like a 99.99% chance you know about Night Vale already. If not, just go listen. It’s weird and amazing and beautiful and helped to make a lot of this possible. Or if 100+ episodes plus live shows is overwhelming, don’t (but come back to it someday. It is magical).

For people who like: surrealism, humor, ‘radio show’ format, somewhat less emphasis on plot, diversity, indie music, experimental storytelling, a large back catalog of episodes, a fandom considered large by regular standards and not just podcast standards.

ALICE ISN’T DEAD – As she travels across America, a trucker tells the story of her search for the missing wife she had presumed dead, of the mysterious danger stalking her down freeways and backroads, and of the much bigger – and more terrifying – mystery she is uncovering.

The first and most popular of Night Vale Presents’ other podcasts. Gothic Americana soft horror lesbians! The writing, atmosphere, and orchestration are all superb, as is Jasika Nicole’s monologue performance. I personally recommend car/transit listening. (Also, you can get the whole soundtrack for free, and you should definitely do that.)

For people who like: surrealism, horror, Americana, female leads, lesbians, atmosphere, introspection, mystery, great music, something to drive to.

WOLF 359 – Doug Eiffel doesn’t want to do his job, Hera is a friendly but faulty AI, Dr. Hilbert is probably a mad scientist, Commander Minkowski wishes she wasn’t in charge of these idiots, and together, the four of them make up the entire crew of the USS Hephaestus space station. It’s not a picnic at the best of times: they’re isolated in a constantly malfunctioning tin can, orbiting a red dwarf star eight light years from Earth, and working for a shady corporation with coworkers they can’t stand. Then Eiffel starts to receive inexplicable transmissions from deep space – and everything gets so, so much worse.

It’s a hilarious office sitcom! It’s a character-driven deep-space sci-fi thriller! It’s a tragic, thematically powerful story about personhood, communication, and isolation! It’s all of those things, often within three lines of one another and frequently all at once! Wolf 359 is probably a masterpiece and now, heading into its fourth and final season, it continues to surprise and impress me every single time. Alan Rodi’s music is evocative and superb and the cast and writing are top-notch. One of the best. Listen to it.

For people who like: excellent character-driven writing, great music, well-written women, a gender-balanced ensemble cast, intimate sci-fi, hilarious and often referential humor, scary corporate overlords, cerebus syndrome.

THE PENUMBRA PODCAST – In Hyperion City, metropolis of a far-future Mars, a private eye named Juno Steel is pulled into life-threatening criminal conspiracies, and tangles with an even more dangerous, nameless thief – who could be his worst enemy or the love of his life. Within the Second Citadel, human civilization is protected by knights who venture out into the jungles to fight the monsters that threaten them – but some knights are discovering monsters who seem just a bit different. On the Painted Plains, a train-robbing bandit steals away a schoolteacher – and her heart. All of these and more are stories waiting to be heard behind the doors of the Penumbra, the grandest hotel this side of Nowhere. And absolutely none of them are straight.

Fabulously written genre-bending “queer AF” anthology show. The best is the Juno Steel series, about a bisexual, nonbinary sci-fi PI, which remains eminently and hilariously quotable even as it wrenches your heart out with genre-deconstructive depictions of mental illness and one of the most believable and emotional romances I’ve seen in ages . The Second Citadel fantasy series is also starting to come into its own in the second season and the standalone stories from the first season are a pretty damn good listen (LISTEN TO THE GAY WESTERN. DO IT.) I love this show, I love everyone from this show, I love everyone associated with this show, and I love Mick Mercury.

For people who like: playing with genre tropes, OTR, noir fiction, diversity, romantic chemistry, a variety of stories, suspense, heartache.

THE BRIGHT SESSIONS – Dr. Joan Bright isn’t an ordinary therapist, but her patients aren’t ordinary patients. Sam’s panic attacks bring on bouts of involuntary time travel; Caleb has it hard enough negotiating teenage emotions without also experiencing the feelings of everyone around him; Chloe can’t escape hearing other people’s thoughts; and the less said about Damien, the better. But Dr. Bright, too, is more than she first appears.

It’s a hard-hitting and poignant show about mental illness and people recovering from deep traumas, and also it is about superpowers. As the concept implies, the show is highly character-driven, and it develops an ensemble cast incredibly well. These guys are friends with the Wolf 359 crew and apparently have taken lessons from one another in how to ramp up a plot from “fun” to “oh god why,” but let’s be honest: that’s what we’re here for. Also, unjustifiably sweet gay teen romance, really cute friendships between ladies, at least one cat.

For people who like: highly character-focused narrative, superpowers, moral questions, ensemble casts, cool female leads, shady government activities, great acting.

ARS PARADOXICA – One minute, Dr. Sally Grissom is conducting cutting-edge physics research in her lab in early-21st-century Texas. A single mistake later, she’s on the deck of the U.S.S. Eldridge, in Philadelphia, 1943, smack dab in the middle of a classified WWII weapons experiment. She’s accidentally put time travel into the hands of the US government just as the nuclear era kicks off. And she can’t ever go back.

I assume everyone has heard of ars P because I assume that everyone knows Mischa Stanton. (They work on what must be like 50% of all podcasts that exist at this point, including The Bright Sessions.) Everything they do is pretty much a must-listen, but especially ars p, the “sad time show” to Wolf 359’s “sad space show.” The writing sticks out to me for its sense of consequence; it’s a major theme of the show that everything that happens will have serious and cumulative effects. Deservedly award-winning sound design. As a bonus, it crossed over with The Bright Sessions; if you like one, you might like the other.

For people who like: sci-fi, period settings, cold war thrillers, cool female leads, time travel with rules, complex and grey moralities, science lesbians, diverse ensemble casts.

EOS 10 – Dr. Ryan Dalias has enough to deal with just as the new head surgeon on a massive space station (alien aphrodisiacs, space anti-vaxxers, mind-controlling plants…) But as if that weren’t enough, his boss is an alcoholic misanthrope who has received an unwelcome ultimatum about his drinking; the nurse may or may not be inclined to bite people; there’s a deposed alien prince in the examination room who won’t put his pants back on; and an intergalactic terrorist who wants his name cleared is hiding in the cargo bay. And those are the people on his side.

I have my issues with EOS 10, not least of which is that it is still mired in a two-year hiatus (though Season Three is finally going into production soon? FINGERS CROSSED). I usually forget those issues when I listen because it’s still a frankly hilarious space comedy and the entire main plot is kicked off because of a potentially deadly boner. Think of it as the strange offspring of DS9 and Scrubs. Come for wild space shenanigans, stay for surprisingly heartfelt storylines about addiction (and even wilder space shenanigans). If W359 sounds cool but maybe a little heavy for you (or if the first season was your favorite), EOS 10 might be more up your alley.

For people who like: Star Trek, comedy, space scifi adventures, alien characters, gay space pirate cowboys, waiting.

THE THRILLING ADVENTURE HOUR – “America’s favorite new time podcast in the style of old time radio.”

An anthology show like The Penumbra which takes a comedic approach to its old time radio inspiration instead (and it is very OTR inspired – not just playing with the same genres). Has a lot of segments, not all of which are created equal; two are standouts. Sparks Nevada: Marshall on Mars (which has a continuous plot) follows a deadpan robot-fighting lawman, the Martian tracker who provides him with somewhat vitriolic companionship, and their various allies across the sci-fi-comedy-western landscape of Space Future Mars. Beyond Belief (which is episodic) stars alcoholic socialites Frank and Sadie Doyle, who may be world-renowned paranormal experts, but who mostly just combat supernatural evils so they can get back to their two greatest loves: booze and one another. It was recorded live, often featuring celebrity guest stars (most notably and frequently Nathan Fillion), and recently ended its many-year run.

For people who like: OTR, forties/fifties culture, really REALLY cute couple chemistry (Beyond Belief), humor, much more lighthearted content, a large back catalog, great music, corpsing.

GREATER BOSTON – Leon Stamatis’s perfectly organized life abruptly ends one day at the top of the first hill of a roller coaster – and that’s where the real story begins. His death will start a domino effect of change rippling through a Boston where activists agitate for subway lines to form their own city, shadowy executives watch over offices where magazine editors predict the future, and Google Calendars are updated from beyond the grave.

Guys, I am never gonna shut up about this show. At this point it’s probably my favorite podcast. Experimental fiction, a sort of regional-gothic-slice-of-life, with a plot that builds into the story of an interconnecting community of people, all of them growing and learning and changing and interacting, even the dead ones. And it plays more brilliantly and hilariously and beautifully and poignantly with format and writing and character than you’d think possible. I sometimes see it compared to WTNV (the “weird town” angle), but I think it’s likely to appeal to fans of The Bright Sessions: its characters may be dealing with incredibly strange situations, but the focus (and the appeal) is the development of those characters and their relationships with one another. Alternately, just literally everyone should listen. It’s that good.

For people who like: ensemble casts, experimental fiction, awesome women, strong character development, lesbians, playing with format, characters named Extinction Event, political intrigue, great music, Boston.

WOODEN OVERCOATS – Siblings Rudyard and Antigone Funn, along with their assistant Georgie, run a funeral home on the tiny Channel island of Piffling. It’s the only one, which is how they remain in business even though Rudyard is a punctuality-obsessed misanthrope and Antigone hasn’t left the morgue in daylight for 17 years. Then the world’s most perfect man, Eric Chapman, opens another funeral parlor directly across the street.

A British sitcom about rival funeral directors in a small town, with all of the dry, witty black humor that implies. "British” does always feel like the best adjective to convey the distinct sense of humor here. Also, it has amazingly high production values. Like, it just sounds really, really good. Also, it’s narrated by a talking mouse. The third season was just announced, so now is a really great time to catch up.

For people who like: black comedy, British comedies, rivalries of both business and sibling kinds, mysterious backstories, just a whole lot of dead people jokes, a more episodic structure.

THE BRIDGE – Once, you could drive all the way across the Atlantic in luxury and style, using the Transcontinental Bridge. Now, the Bridge is virtually abandoned. The employees of its Watchtowers are the only people left to tell its stories: stories about ghosts, about curses and illusions, about vanished and abandoned people and places, about the monsters whose places these were before the Bridge, and the strange and dangerous people who came there to find them.

IMHO, possibly the highlight of the writng for The Bridge is that they can create atmosphere like nobody’s business, and the show has a gorgeous soundtrack to boot. The characters are charming, the plot is intriguing, and the world they are building is like absolutely nothing else. Like Archive 81 below, it might appeal to those who’d enjoy Lovecraft if he didn’t suck so much in every possible way, although it’s much softer on the scary factor.

For people who like: atmosphere, storytelling, great character dynamics, sea monsters, spookiness, really fun ladies, ghost stories, mysteries, the bottomless depths and siren’s call of the ocean.

THE STRANGE CASE OF STARSHIP IRIS and UNDER PRESSURE – Starship Iris is the story of Violet Liu, a biologist forced by circumstance to join up with a ragtag crew of spacefarers to determine whether the explosion which killed every other person onboard her spaceship was really an accident. Under Pressure presents the notes of Jamie McMillan-Barrie, a researcher whose literary background did not prepare her to negotiate the kind of office drama that takes place on a research station at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Both of these are part of Procyon Podcasting Network, which also has more upcoming shows which I am beyond thrilled about; both are also incredibly diverse, both in-universe and behind the scenes. Both are charming and very, very gay as well as racially diverse; I’m particularly fond of Starship Iris, but everything that comes out of Procyon is more than worth a listen. They’ve started pretty recently and have only a few episodes each.

For people who like: space scifi, found family tropes, workplace drama, human/genderless alien romance, space lesbians, diversity, cool female leads.

THE ORBITING HUMAN CIRCUS (OF THE AIR) – The dreamy, accident-prone janitor of the Eiffel Tower does his best to get himself a place in the fantastical, impossible radio variety show being broadcast from the tower every night. Will he ever be successful? Will the show survive his attempts? And just where do the mysterious and magical acts come from?

Considering it’s a Night Vale Presents podcast and stars an A-list of my favorite underappreciated creatives I was kind of shocked at how little discussion I see. OHC is so charming and dreamlike and heartwarming; it’s like recapturing the feeling of a particularly magical bedtime story. It features Mandy Patinkin singing Cheap Trick and you need that in your life. Also, it has a platypus in it.

For people who like: OTR, John Cameron Mitchell/The Music Tapes/Neutral Milk Hotel, a gentler weirdness than other NVP podcasts, Paris, charm, experimental storytelling.

WITHIN THE WIRES – You are a patient at the Institute. You have been instructed to listen to this series of relaxation tapes to aid in your treatment. You must trust my voice. You must trust only my voice.

NVP’s other highly underappreciated show. WTW manages to tell a narrative in a format (self-help relaxation tapes) I would have never thought possible, and though it’s difficult to say much about what makes it so good without spoiling the effect of that excellence, it’s a great choice if you’re weird-fiction-inclined. Like Alice Isn’t Dead, it also features lesbians. (It may not be good for anyone who has trouble with unreality, disturbing second-person commands, or depictions of institutionalization.)

For people who like: experimental storytelling, WLW love stories, surrealism, dystopic fiction, suspense.

INKWYRM – Mella Sonder was hired to work with a recalcitrant AI, not to be personal assistant to Annie Inkwyrm, head of outer space’s premiere fashion magazine – and the two of them will probably be fighting about that, along with all of the other disasters they get tangled up in, until the star they’re orbiting explodes. Or until they fall in love.

My money’s on the latter (fingers crossed please make it happen), but this show just finished a really fun first season and I absolutely cannot wait for more of it. I’m a sucker for dysfunctional coworker comedy, and an even bigger sucker for girls falling in love; this offers both and is excellent, and is just incredibly done for an amateur podcast. The peeps making it are inspiring and badass and really, really talented.

For people who like: The Devil Wears Prada, scifi, diversity, vitriolic romantic tension, cool female leads, alien characters, wlw romance, incompetently homicidal AIs.

THE BEEF AND DAIRY NETWORK – The number one podcast for those involved – or just interested! – in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

Honestly almost impossible to describe. What really gets me is the hilarity of how it somehow perfectly imitates the public radio/industry podcast style, delivering you important updates from the world of cattle products, except not from a world anything like ours. Endless beefy fun times with the occasional sharp right turn into body horror and potent unreality played for comedy. This and Alice Isn’t Dead are my dad’s favorite podcasts, which probably says something about him.

For people who like: Wooden Overcoats (it’s by the same folks!), weirdness, humor, much less of a focus on narrative, ‘radio show’ format, satire, rich beef sausages.

ARCHIVE 81 – Dan Powell is missing. He was hired, so he thought, for a simple job cataloguing an archive of tapes for the New York state government: a series of interviews that a woman named Melody Pendras conducted with the tenants of an odd apartment building. Then the story on the tapes becomes impossibly strange and terrifying, and so does Dan’s life.

Another one where I’m not sure whether everyone knows about it and just isn’t talking, but they should be. It’s probably a sign of how fantastic A81 is that it’s one of my favorites even though I ordinarily can’t stand horror. This post really extolls its virtues in a better way than I can. This show has some of the most incredible sound design I’ve heard yet, so if visceral body horror conveyed solely through the audio medium isn’t for you, then neither is Archive 81. On the other hand, if you like extradimensional lesbian apotheosis and the nickname “Boombox Fuckboy,” listen to this. On top of that, the acting is superb. (The creators, Dead Signals, also did an apocalyptic scifi survival-horror miniseries thing called The Deep Vault, which is similarly beyond well-made.)

For people who like: horror, weirdness, found footage format, great music, absolutely stellar atmospheric and action sound design, excellent and realistic acting, The King in Yellow, a ‘Lovecraftian’ feel not based on hatred of anyone who isn’t straight/white.

JIM ROBBIE AND THE WANDERERS – Three trouble-seeking wandering musicians (one brash and upbeat, one an argumentative engineer, and one a grumpy robot brought to life from a radio and assorted cutlery) wander a post-apocalyptic America populated by strange towns and fantasy beings, some friendly, others dangerous.

This is another show that really charmed me right out of the box. Not to mention that it’s a take on “post-apocalyptic” that I’d never seen before – why have grim ruins or cannibalistic societies when you can have giant friendly genderless bees, an NYC inhabited by partying undead, towns full of squid-people, and desert-dwelling leprechauns? It’s much more of a fantasy take on the genre and the characters are incredibly sweet. I was also really impressed by the quality bump it’s undergone over its run so far.

For people who like: fantasy, more lighthearted narratives, fun and creative concepts, a villain called “The Fig-Wasp King,” great music, friendship, cool female leads, diversity.

THE HIDDEN ALMANAC – A thrice-weekly, four-minute show hosted by the plague doctor Reverend Mord, offering historical anecdotes from another world, the feast days of unlikely saints, and useful gardening advice.

Tired of that one analogy from every news article of the 2013 Night Vale boom (“like Stephen King/H.P. Lovecraft wrote A Prairie Home Companion”), writer/artist Ursula Vernon decided to take a crack at recreating Garrison Keillor’s other show, The Writer’s Almanac, in a similar fashion. Compared to WTNV, it comes off as less ‘weird’ and more fantastical, and is on the light side continuity-wise, though both the historical events and the frame show have arcs. In the past couple of years there have been a lot more story arcs, many lasting months, and a lot more appearances from guest character Pastor Drom and other characters. I find it incredibly charming and relaxing.

For people who like: fantasy weirdness, the actual Writer’s Almanac, WTNV, gardening, vitriolic friendships, worldbuilding, short runtimes, less of a focus on plot, large back catalogs, worldbuilding, crows.

#my posts #podcast recs #podcast recommendations #hey! here's that thing ive been doing #also before u ask about taz: im only to pttm and will probably add it once ive caught up #bobbie recommends things

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arcs-and-blah · 8 years ago

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well it’s that time of week again when i can barely bring myself out of bed so to counteract that i’m gon do a thing that always makes me happy.

i know i prob talk about this a lot, but just bear with me please i don’t like mental illnesses. anywho.

OTP Disneyland HC fluff!!

warning: really really really long under the cut bc yeah helps me mentally and i just love disney so much plus know the place like the back of my hand so yeah here we go!

before even entering the park, Nijimura and Akashi walking through the big Disneystore outside of the parks (i’m talking the Anaheim one)

Akashi picking up a lot of the toys one after another bc. theyre. so. fluffy. and just staring at them as if they will come to life and talk or something. Nijimura takes a pic of all of them, some Akashi’s looking back at the cam, some still staring at the toy

ears! all the ears! of course they get a pair each, but which ones bc they’re all so great! personally, i like Akashi with the sorcerer’s apprentice headband hehe

after a while, Nijimura needing to steer Akashi out of the giant store bc come on sei there’s still the actual parks we need to get to sei we’ll come back later there’s more inside! sei!

it’s Akashi’s first time, so Nijimura just catching Akashi’s first reaction once like entering the entrance gates or maybe when walking under through the little tunnel to Main Street USA

Akashi just like “Shuuzou, stop” playfully trying to get the camera out his face but they’re both laughing and Nijimura still got the shot

picture’s with characters!! finding dapper Mickey Mouse right off the bat! oh my Akashi already in the Disney vibe so acting princely to the princess face characters or something!!

just interaction with characters in general! Nijimura laughing when Peter Pan pulls Akashi aside and comments on his hair >///<

Nijimura making sure Akashi doesn’t notice more of the shops at Main Street bc there’s really just more to do than just look at souvenirs

photos at landmarks! like the partners statue and castle!

Nijimura stepping it up and playfully treating Akashi like royalty outside the castle bc Akashi really is a little prince damn it. or princess. Akashi’s not as amused, but still smiling at Nijimura’s laughter

sword in the stone and king arthur’s carousel in Fantasyland! Nijimura messing around and replacing ‘arthur’ with ‘Akashi’ in snapcatch or whatever. and for some reason just watching to see if Akashi really will somehow pull out the sword bc it happens and this is Akashi. (it doesn’t)

carousel is their first ride bc Akashi likes horses and all plus the line is usually the fasted. Akashi joking around for once calling his horse ‘Yukimaru II’

teacups!! Nijimura telling Akashi about how fast he and his siblings always go, Akashi like ‘don’t u dare’, and Nijimura taking that as a challenge. they go on like Snow White or Pinocchio next bc something slower to calm down their motion sickness. Nijimura had to help support Akashi as they got out the cups >/////<

trying on more hats at the Mad Hatter’s hat shop!!

Tomorrowland after Fantasyland! Autopia! Akashi ‘driving’ for the first time and he is awful. they’re constantly like jerking around and getting the car to hit the thing that’s supposed to keep it straight, you know what i talking about? Nijimura feeling sick for the second time that hour

Star Tours!! Space Mountain!! haha Nijimura loving how disheveled Akashi’s hair turns out after the fast pace/speedy ride.

Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters!! Akashi just flat out high score man. Nijimura’s more like ‘how!?’ bc seriously!

by now they’re prob exhausted but still so much to do! so they take the train to New Orleans Square. just. either Akashi resting his head on Nijimura’s shoulder passed out or Nijimura leaning against Akashi when resting. either way, soft fluff on the train!!

knocking Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean right there. they’re both really cooling rides, so more nice resting from walking around and the southern california heat.

speaking of getting away from the heat. Splash Mountain. the two got the honors of sitting at the front, so Nijimura made Akashi sit at the very front. the music and animatronics are really nice, but Akashi’s not as happy after the ride when he’s drenched.

‘come on sei, it’s not that bad! you’ll cooling down! and look i got wet too’ ‘no really considering i blocked most of the water from you. u planned that didn’t u, shuuzou’

Winnie the Pooh ride!! their first mention of their children bc they see Pooh and ohmygosh it’s Mura hehehe!

they remember their children and remind themselves to grab souvenirs for them too

rocky rides next! Indiana Jones! Thunder Mountain! i’m debating either, with two fast and rocky rides in a row, Nijimura or Akashi getting motion sick again~ either way, they sharing a Dole Whip to cool down their sickness! yay cool sweets!

heading back to Fantasyland, but THERE’S A PARADE YAY!!

it’s cramped so like Nijimura is standing right up against Akashi from behind (height so he can still see man) and just lovingly holding Akashi from behind. Akashi like ‘Shuuzou, it’s hot out’ but not really super complaining bc still loves his boyfriend draped over him and listening to him (niji) hum along with all the songs playing during the parade. fluff!

psst! Akashi taking a selfie with Nijimura and that his new phone wallpaper~

parade over and now back to Fantasyland where they check out the smaller rides again! Dumbo! Alice! They go on Small World and yeee!! Nijimura definitely fell asleep when Akashi was busy admiring the dolls. it’s just so cool inside and slow and boat and yee!!

it’s Akashi’s turn to take photos of Nijimura

bonus, Akashi waking Nijimura up near the end by scooping up the water with his hand and just splashing him! loving noogies from Nijimura ensured!

Akashi’s prob humming the song as they walk off the ride

they head back to the castle to get ready for another parade and FIREWORKS!!!

when they manage to find a spot, Akashi probably waiting while Nijimura offer to get snacks or something bc yeah still gon be a while before everything starts. Nijimura coming back to a bunch of little girls convinced Akashi was somehow a prince and he’s never gonna let him live it down man.

parade of lights! and afterwards fireworks!

romantic firework date!! Akashi’s captivated by the beautiful fireworks and all the music while Nijimura’s just happy with watching Akashi light up as brightly as the fireworks. and it’s night and a lot more cooler now, so Nijimura wrapping his arms around Akashi again and yeeeee!! fluuuuff!

hehe a bit more rides or re-riding rides! looking at photos that were taken by the staff at the photo shop place

sadly, its the end of the perfect date... kinda. back to the shop where they find stuff for their skittle children!!

‘sei...’ ‘don’t worry, i have enough pocket money to spurge’ ‘that’s not what i was talking about. youre gonna spoil them’ Akashi feeling generous hehe

PERFECT DISNEYLAND DATE

guys. let me know if u actually went through all that bc honestly that’s 40 bullets man. also, share your disneydate thoughts please!! it’s my go to happy place and honest to god i actually am feeling lighter with this hehe.

and this is just Disneyland. I’ll save California Adventures for another day hehe~

#arcs blah #feel free to ignore ranting #ish #this is NijiAka btw

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nanoland · 3 years ago

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mazikeen/eve/michael fic in progress

title: Ponder on the Narrow House

fandom: Lucifer

characters: Mazikeen, Eve, Michael

blurb: In which Mazikeen isn't finished with Michael yet.

warnings: Spoilers for Season 5.