#holds you by the shoulds and screams in your face: ‘FURSUIT’ WAS RIGHT THERE

[hexalene]

A non-chronological, non-comprehensive list of some of the exhausting bullshit I have had to put up with enforcing our impossibly gentle masking policy. Sometimes we were able to enforce, most of the time we just let them in. For funsies, I was injured and in a sling for most of this shit:

1. “SHUT UP you fat fucking bitch you’ll never amount to ANYTHING in your STUPID FUCKING LIFE now get OUT OF MY WAY!” *proceeds to ram her grocery cart into my side*

2. “I’m not going to comprise MY FREEDOM.”

3. *grabs screaming toddler and runs in, holding the child between us, as if that will prevent me from noticing they don’t have a mask*

4. “No, I won’t wear...oh wait, I mean I have a medical condition.”

5. “I have a medical condition. It’s like cancer, in my face. It’s too painful to wear one. It’s also too painful for the face shield. It’s cancer.”

6. “What’s it called? I have asthma, I can’t wear one.”

7. “I’m overweight. I can’t wear one.”

8. “I’m not putting that MUZZLE on my face”

9. “The virus isn’t real, idiot.”

10. “I’m in a wheelchair, I don’t have to do anything you tell me.”

11. “I have an emotional support dog.”

12. “If you give me that, I’m just going to throw it away, so don’t even bother.”

13. “My sister is in the hospital, so I don’t have to wear one.”

14. “I’m not touching that thing.”

15. “The mask is more dangerous than the virus. It’ll stop the oxygen from reaching my brain.”

16. “I served in the military.”

17. “I’m only grabbing a coffee, so like, why bother?”

18. “My sister is a nurse and she says it’s not real.”

19. “Fuck you.”

20. *ten minutes of screaming at me, the managers, and passerby about his precious American freedoms being violated*

21. Two men in qanon shirts, openly carrying firearms. Clearly desperate to fight. Did not engage.

22. “Shut up.”

23. “Look, you’re that same bitch who was here last time, I don’t fucking care, just fucking leave me alone. I’m not wearing it.”

24. *grabs the whole box and throws it in the trash*

25. “Come on sweetheart, you know this is all shit. I know you wouldn’t wear one of you didn’t have to worry about your job. It’s so awful they’re making you cover your pretty face.”

26. “I’m not ruining my lipstick.”

27. “What are you going to do about it? I’m going in no matter what.”

28. “It’s against my religion. Jesus would never wear a mask.”

29. *pretends to not speak English* (note: came in daily speaking unaccented english for a year previous, only suddenly loosing this skill with the pandemic)

30. “Is this fun for you? Do you like harassing people??” (Literally. Just. Doing. My. Job.)

31. “Open this fucking door, I’m not talking to some employee, get your fucking manager.. SHUT UP. Shut up, get the manager, I’m coming in here.”

32. *holds a tissue over their face* “this counts.” (It does not)

33. “I’m over 65.” (DUDE)

34. “I’m pregnant.” (BRO)

35. “Get your manager, I’ll take you guys to court.”

36. *refuses the mask and proceeds to wave a fucking EMF reader over my body, because apparently the virus is a ghost*

37. *holds mask on their face as if they’re putting it on, put drops it as soon as they think I can’t see.*

38. *gets mad, proceeds to SPIT ON THE PRODUCE DISPLAYS* (we had to pull and waste out the whole fucking shelf fuck this guy)

39. *physically shoves me out of the way*

40. “I’m allergic to masks. I can’t have anything on my face at all.”

41. *talks on their phone, talking louder to “drown” me out while trying to speed by*

42. *has a literal pink fuzzy sleeping mask over their mouth*

43. “This is all going to go away after the election, so don’t sit here and pretend it’s real.”

44. “The president isn’t wearing one, so I’m not wearing one.”

45. “I’ve never been to CHYNA.”

46. “I don’t support BLM” (????????????)

47. “Oh I already have it, so it doesn’t matter.” (Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!????????? IS THAT PRESENT TENSE????????? He was not allowed in, for the record.)

48. *a repeating anti-masking offender, wildly drunk and three times my size, barreled by me, proceeded to open and drink mouthwash right off the shelf. Made several sexual advances at me and another female employee, so we got to step aside while the male management dealt with him*

49. *a literal pair of panties, the creep*

50. *this dude fuckin rolls up in a fuckin $700,000 car, parks on the fire lane, leaves his fuckin door wide open with the KEYS IN THE IGNITION AND STILL RUNNING, moonwalks the fuck in with his dog, and waves me down like I’m the goddamn host at a restaurant and tells me to go get my manager, but to “take a long time, because I’ll be finishing my shopping while you’re gone, and they’re not going to stop me.”

51. *gets caught swapping price tags, AND refusing a mask* “pull that stupid thing off your face, HONEY, I can’t hear anything you’re saying.” Proceeds to tell management that I am “a serious problem, the rudest bitch she’s ever met, and she will NOT be coming back to this store. They should fire me, because she’s never been treated so rudely before. Take that little girl off the schedule. What happened to customer service?” Reminder: she was caught stealing while I was trying to enforce the mask policy.

52. *I offer a mask, get shut down with bullshit “me and my five kids and husband all have a medical condition” whatever. I say all right and go back to my station. Bitch calls the store after she leaves and screams that I discriminated against her and her family.

53. “I’m a priest.”

54. *a pair of police officers who come in while I’m stuck with a different and more boring antimasker, without masks, I try to stop them, but they laugh. Dumbasses. The station is down the street. We called and reported them to their superior. Got a NICE official apology for that one.

55. *wearing a literal fursuit, which....counts.....I guess??? This person was actually fine, but I’m on a ptsd flashback and they’re there*

56. “Only if you have toilet paper.”

57. “We can’t wear those things. How will we get herd immunity???”

58. *a pair of basketball shorts*

59. *a sock*

60. *a “mask” with the mouth cut out

61. No wait I’m stopping here, this is literally endless

Please for the love of god be kind to your essential workers, we’ve been doing the normal work routine on hardcore survivalist mode all 2020, and I am so ready for the vaccine please please please let this year end

[eddsworld-late]

The Box Part 1

The Red Army learns where those missing Amazon packages go.

1515 words, 8566 characters.

     Yuu lead the way for Yanov, Patryck and Paul as he left the base, gun cocked and loaded, head held high, ammo and wasp bombs in his backpack and a first aid kit tucked under his arm. These four were on a mission. “What are we doing again?” Yanov asked, tilting his head slightly as he spoke. “We’re off to get a box,” Yuu replied, marching to the plane with dread in his heart at the thought of Paul and Patryck flying, “He said it was just a basic supply run, but he’s keeping it too hush-hush for that.” Yanov nodded quietly as he climbed in and took a seat. Patryck took the wheel and Paul sat beside him. Yuu took the seat next to Yanov and away they went, soaring across the sky in search of this box.

    Patryck set the plane to autopilot and kicked his feet up on the control panel. “I love flying,” he said quietly. Paul just stared at him blankly. “You don’t even do anything,” he replied, “All you do is put it on autopilot and sit back.” “And all you do is talk on the radio and push buttons,” Patryck sighed, “Namely mine.”

   Yanov pulled out his joycon and played some Pokemon while Yuu watched and cheered him on. It went on like this for some hours until Patryck landed the plane and they all got out.

    Yanov stared at the place, looking up from his Switch. It was a wide open military base. “Where are we?” he asked quietly. “It’s a military base,” Paul replied blankly, “Probably one of our enemies.” “That all makes sense!” Yuu exclaimed, “Tord ordered something and one of our rivals took it for themselves! Where are we?” “Bosnia,” Patryck said, “That place Tord is banned from.” And with that, they walked in.

    The four snuck around, avoiding any guards they saw, making sure not to be seen. However, despite their best efforts, Yanov took too long to duck behind a box and was seen. The guards rushed them immediately and the four fled the gunfire. Unfortunately, they were split up, each going down their own paths.

    Yanov bolted down the path he was on, eager to make to to the box, which he could clearly see from where he was. He drew his gun and aimed at the knees of his pursuers. He typically didn’t shoot at anything other than zombies, but kneecaps weren’t a moral qualm of his. Being something of a crackshot, he hit his mark nearly every time, ducking behind the box to avoid returned gunfire. He peeked out before picking it up and running for it, only to be tripped, sending the box and his Switch across the floor. The box stopped first. The Switch only stopped when another soldier – Blue Leader herself – walked over, stepping on it and crushing it with her foot. Wordlessly, she picked the box up and carried it off. Yanov stared in shock before running back to the plane. His Switch was just destroyed! AND she stole the box! This meant war!

    Yuu dashed into a room and hid. The guards eventually got off his tail, but stayed in the room he was in, so he decided a stealthy explosion would work. With a sly grin, he pulled the silencer off his pistol, pulled a grenade out of his ammunition pouch and used an extra shoelace he had to tie the silencer to the grenade. He quietly yawned off the lack of sleep he’d been suffering from for a few days, pulled the pin and threw it into the room, quickly ducking back behind the barricade.

   Patryck lead the guards all over their base, bringing the total of guards still following him to just one. At that point, he grabbed a handful of glitter from his pocket and threw it in his face, yelling “SMOKESCREEN!” before he ran back to the plane.

     Paul hid behind some boxes until the guards following him left, then he snuck out and found his way around the base. He silently followed after one of the guards headed towards Blue Leader’s quarters. “Do you have the box contained, Blue Leader?” the guard asked as Paul ducked behind a corner. “Yes,” she replied sternly, “I do. Did you take care of Red Leader’s men?” “They ran off screaming.”      Suddenly, before she could reply, an alarm went off. Blue Leader and the guard whipped around to look at a screen popping out of the wall. “And he’s back with a flamethrower,” she growled, “See, this is why I told you I want them DEAD. Dead, you hear me! DEAD!” Paul actually cracked a slight smile. He didn’t know what those Blue Army soldiers did to Yanov, but they certainly pushed the wrong buttons. In the distance, gunfire and screaming could be heard. “GO!” Blue Leader yelled, shoving the guard towards the room of screaming, “I won’t have this freak in a fursuit burning my men alive!”      Yuu jumped awake at the sounds of gunfire and screaming. He tiredly rubbed his eyes and stood up. The room was empty… Except for one thing. The box! He quickly ran to it and began pushing it towards the plane. He wasn’t met with much resistance until he got there. Several guards charged him, but he toppled them like dominoes with a spinning sweep kick. His robotic legs may have been an issue for speed, but when it came to kick strength, he was unmatched. He smirked and the guards attempted to get up from their pile while he pushed the box onto the plane. As he stood up, he head the click of a gun behind his head.      Patryck got up as soon as he heard the scraping against the floor of the plane. Gun at the ready, he made his way to the cargo bay and found none other than Blue Leader herself holding Yuu at gunpoint. Without hesitation, she aimed a second gun at him. “Don’t move Patryck,” she scowled, “I won’t let you take that box back. Some guards walked Paul into the cargo bay, also at gunpoint. “What is so important that’s in that box?!” Yuu asked. “That’s classified,” she replied coldly, “Now all we need is your furry friend and we can get going.” “Going?” Patryck asked, “Where are you taking us?” “The Bermuda Triangle!” she laughed, “You and your leader’s precious little box will go missing forever!” The remaining guards dragged Yanov in without his flamethrower. “Unhand me!” he cried, “I’m not finished with you! You stole the box! You broke my Switch! You stole my flamethrower!” “Those are your problems,” Blue Leader replied, “Now say goodnight, Gracie.”      “Goodnight Gracie,” Paul said calmly, stabbing a butterfly knife into the shoulders of one of the guards holding him. He flipped the knife around a few times with a grin and lunged at Blue Leader. In a flash – quite literally – she slammed her guns together and they fused, creating her own actual gunblade. At the push of a button, it grew much larger than the size of either gun. Paul ducked as she fired, swinging his blade through the air. The bullet hit one of her guards and Paul’s knife lodged itself into the back of her cybernetic thigh. She grunted and shot a glare at the Dutchman, who simply grinned back. “Why you little...” she growled, whipping the gunblade around to hit Yuu, only to be grabbed from behind by Patryck. “I’ll take that!” Yuu smiled as he yanked the gunblade away, “I’m sure Red Leader will love this. You know how much he loves anime.”      “You may have taken my gun,” she grinned, “But you know my legs are still killer!” And with that, she flipped backwards, kicking Patryck in the face before she landed on her feet, freed from his hold on her. She pulled a third gun out of her jacket and aimed it at Yuu. “I have a new plan,” she said calmly, “Guards, take these four idiots to the testing chamber. I want them to meet Sally.”      And so, they were dragged off and shoved in a sterile lab-like arena-esque chamber with a high ceiling and a giant door at the other end. “Sally was an experiment of mine a few years ago,” Blue Leader smirked, “An experiment in… Reanimating the dead. And she sure is hungry.” The boys looked at each other. “A zombie?” Yanov asked. “Yes!” she replied, “Smart points go to the furry for once in his tragically short life! Au revoir!” “I’m not a furry!” he protested, “I’m a scalie! There’s a difference!” Paul actually laughed. “We’ve dealt with zombies before!” he said, “Try us!” Blue Leader simply grinned as a distant rumbling drew nearer. The large door opened and for a moment, the four saw nothing. Then, a zombie tyrannosaurus rex entered the room. They stared in shock. “Don’t move a muscle...” Paul whispered, “She can’t see us if we don’t move.” “Paul?” Yuu replied, “You do realize that that series got a lot wrong, right? Including that whole thing about staying still?” “What he’s trying to say is that we should run like crazy and try to think of a way out of here,” Patryck said, trembling. And they did. While screaming and flailing. END PART 1

[hgfstreamchats]

Cool Cat Saves the Kids

Lusey: it was a fun little party ^^ thenightetc: Thank you for hosting! Starscreamapillar: Thank you for hosting. thenightetc: And goodnight. Knock Out: Of course! Knock Out: Goodnight, everyone. thenightetc: Ratties! Knock Out: Hello there, night human! thebes: My goodness how cute! thebes: Also, hello! Knock Out: Hello, thebes human! thenightetc: They're so... small. thenightetc: I need 20 of these righ tnow. Knock Out: So, do they have tiny little human hands or do you all have oversized rat hands? How does that work? thenightetc: Neither, they have tiny racoon hands. thebes: precisely Knock Out: I feel educated. caffienatedconfetti: I WAS IN THE BATH WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS OF COOL CAT Knock Out: You heard right! caffienatedconfetti: I GOT HERE AS QUICKLY AS I COULD

caffienatedconfetti: what is this thenightetc: Art. caffienatedconfetti: this is insanity, rats don't eat in tiny chairs thenightetc: So I hear we're in for a treat! Knock Out: Some might call it that. caffienatedconfetti: daddy derek's demon spawn caffienatedconfetti: in this house, we call it Daddy Derek's Unholy Demon Offspring Knock Out: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that the stream doors are now locked. caffienatedconfetti: poor child thebes: What auses me most is how some por soul had to go shopping for fursuit-ized clothes thebes: fursuit-sized thenightetc: Or make them, I mean why not caffienatedconfetti: why did he have to rop children into this caffienatedconfetti: they didn't ask for this caffienatedconfetti: kILL IT WITH FIRE thebes: pity the child actors thebes: for they have crap agents caffienatedconfetti: it's a PRINTED SIGN, why would it need finishing touches thenightetc: They should have made it an animated cat. caffienatedconfetti: YOU'RE NOT HOLDING ANYTHING caffienatedconfetti: he is absolutely gonna murder her thebes: they didn't have teh budget for animation. They did, however, apparently have a fursuit lying around thenightetc: Look at those cold, dead eyes caffienatedconfetti: BWOOP! STALKER ALERT! caffienatedconfetti: i sense sarcasm caffienatedconfetti: o lord caffienatedconfetti: why the laugh caffienatedconfetti: the laugh wasn't needed caffienatedconfetti: that sounds like a scam you idiot thenightetc: SURE. caffienatedconfetti: ...ewwwww Knock Out: Cool Cat is a fountain of bad advice. caffienatedconfetti: eeeewaWWWW caffienatedconfetti: EEW thenightetc: uhhhhhhhh thebes: Just listen to this organic, flowing dialogue. Flawless, I tell you caffienatedconfetti: i feel unclean thenightetc: Do her parents know about her "friend" caffienatedconfetti: why this caffienatedconfetti: his name is BUTCH caffienatedconfetti: BUTCH thenightetc: Well, don't just sit there!  Run him down! caffienatedconfetti: well, at least his name isn't Chad caffienatedconfetti: how can he be school president, he's a thirty year old man in a cat suit thebes: You know what really gets me about this failure fiesta? it's an adaptation. caffienatedconfetti: .....daddy? thenightetc: Ain't no rule that says a thirty year old man in a cat suit can't be school president! Knock Out: Does your society normally let people like this near schools? caffienatedconfetti: the best part is soon approaching caffienatedconfetti: watch the background caffienatedconfetti: closely thebes: We don't want to but they have to do it in front of witnesses before we can stop them caffienatedconfetti: side note, why are they brooklyn caffienatedconfetti: why this caffienatedconfetti: you can build a sandcastle WITH YOUR HANDS caffienatedconfetti: seriously watch the background, this is gonna be great thenightetc: shut up you're like twelve caffienatedconfetti: ....EW caffienatedconfetti: EW caffienatedconfetti: watch closely caffienatedconfetti: WATCH caffienatedconfetti: did you see Knock Out: Best character in the movie. caffienatedconfetti: the guy walked out of his house, saw cool cat, and backed up slowly thenightetc: ...I didn't see, what happened? thenightetc: Oh! caffienatedconfetti: WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING thenightetc: "but if you're trying to impress someone, feel free to do whatever" thebes: So many bad ideas at once caffienatedconfetti: YOU HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL INSIDE YOU thenightetc: Is it a xenomorph caffienatedconfetti: oh my god it's daddy derek Knock Out: I like how they didn't eat any of it. thenightetc: PFFFFFFFFFF caffienatedconfetti: hOO0OHOO  MY LORD caffienatedconfetti: NO caffienatedconfetti: THEIR LAST NAME IS LITERALLY CAT caffienatedconfetti: HIS WIFE IS A CAT thenightetc: His "wife"?  A cat. Knock Out: """""Wife""""" caffienatedconfetti: EWEWEWEW caffienatedconfetti: end my life thebes: Daddy Derek has absolutely no problems with implying he had biological offspring with a giant cat thenightetc: I mean, now we have Bojack Horseman, so in a way this is just ahead of its time caffienatedconfetti: or he's just a very kinky *** thenightetc: He has a "cool cat is the coolest" sign on his bed caffienatedconfetti: IGNORE HIM caffienatedconfetti: IGNORE HIM Knock Out: He makes *me* look modest. Starscreamapillar: The slag is this? caffienatedconfetti: sin caffienatedconfetti: ohwait caffienatedconfetti: i forgot caffienatedconfetti: it's Daddy Derek's Demon Spawn Knock Out: Too late to back out now, Starscream. Knock Out: Also, hello. caffienatedconfetti: the cat's voice is almost as unpleasant as yours Starscreamapillar: Ha. caffienatedconfetti: NICE EDITING, NERD caffienatedconfetti: TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU IDIOT thenightetc: And they can tell HIS parents all about how their kid's a little criminal Knock Out: Or whatever those people are to you. caffienatedconfetti: he's not a criminjal he's just an afy caffienatedconfetti: aft thenightetc: Vandalism, though! caffienatedconfetti: he's like 10 Starscreamapillar: Are you certain? caffienatedconfetti: his name is 'Butch' caffienatedconfetti: and he has a chubby baby face thenightetc: DOG thenightetc: It's a dog! thenightetc: TWO dogs! caffienatedconfetti: DOG caffienatedconfetti: aww the dog is gone caffienatedconfetti: """"FUNHOUSE""" Starscreamapillar: I do not want to go to the funhouse. caffienatedconfetti: it's code for "sex dungeon" thenightetc: "mom and dad" wait who's this guy, then caffienatedconfetti: daddy derek thenightetc: Oh gosh, they're in the same frame.  They DID spring for two costumes! thebes: btw, they only had the one costume for Cool Cat, so they had to splitscreen this bit caffienatedconfetti: ooo caffienatedconfetti: so they DID have just one costume thenightetc: ...What. caffienatedconfetti: OW thenightetc: Are you serious, because that's hilarious caffienatedconfetti: OW Starscreamapillar: That phone does not date this at all. thebes: yeah, after they shot all the col cat scenes they went back and swapped out the t-shirt for a dress and badly applied lipstick caffienatedconfetti: it's not real lipstick caffienatedconfetti: they're cloth lips Starscreamapillar: Does he have a shirt with himself on it? thebes: I know, but they look they crap regardless thenightetc: can't relate caffienatedconfetti: he has many shirts with himself on them thebes: look like crap, meant thenightetc: God, that bathroom is HUGE caffienatedconfetti: nice edit, nerd caffienatedconfetti: sexismmmm thebes: clearly someone thinks human women can't compare to perfect cat housewives caffienatedconfetti: nice typing, nerd Starscreamapillar: Cool Cat loves to wear your skin. Knock Out: Hah! thenightetc: My eye keeps being drawn by that "Cool cat loves you!" sign caffienatedconfetti: Cool Cats wants to be inside you thenightetc: Did they cover up the Apple logo with the Cool Cat sticker caffienatedconfetti: probs thebes: MUSICAL NUMBER ENGAGE thenightetc: Actually, I can see why Apple wouldn't want to be associated with this caffienatedconfetti: no one wants to be assosiacted with this Starscreamapillar: Eploding from the inside out was in fact, less painful than this musical number. Knock Out: He's swinging that guitar around like he's trying to fend off a swarm of bees. caffienatedconfetti: remove the bees thenightetc: oh no Starscreamapillar: . . . . Knock Out: ... caffienatedconfetti: got nothing, huh? caffienatedconfetti: i've seen starscream dance, he ain't much better thenightetc: This music is familiar caffienatedconfetti: admittedly, he didn't have horrible greenscreens Starscreamapillar: An alternate perhaps, but not me. thenightetc: I mean, not while he's singing, but Knock Out: That's a base libel on Starscream. caffienatedconfetti: https://img00.deviantart.net/94c9/i/2012/352/2/0/tfp___starscream_dancing_by_flyscream-d5oes9l.png Starscreamapillar: Ah yes, the slender alternate. caffienatedconfetti: ohhh are you boxyverse? Starscreamapillar: No, I believe my universe is called 'Tyran' in the multiverse. caffienatedconfetti: tyran... hm thenightetc: Ahhhh. caffienatedconfetti: not much into the transformers multiverse, haven't watched any of the shows or read the comis in a while thenightetc: What if they just left him in that greeenscrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrwhat caffienatedconfetti: oh my god are you bayverse Knock Out: Somebody save those cars. caffienatedconfetti: please tell me you're not bayverse caffienatedconfetti: it's all that comes up when i google it Starscreamapillar: Sometimes it is referred to Bayverse, yes. caffienatedconfetti: OH MY GOD] caffienatedconfetti: HAHAHAHA caffienatedconfetti: did they add in screaming children thenightetc: I feel like this story has gone wildly off the rails caffienatedconfetti: also, forgot to add, my urge to sass starscream has never been stronger thebes: it had rais? caffienatedconfetti: knowing that he's is from the world of Face Eating Prime Knock Out: This story could't have less to do with anything. caffienatedconfetti: jesus the bayverse bots look like someone upended a truckload of car and plane parts into a bipedal shape Starscreamapillar: Weirder things have occured than Prime's killing sprees and collection of ripped off faces. caffienatedconfetti: it's been forever since i saw the movie caffienatedconfetti: i only saw the first one caffienatedconfetti: ohohoOHOHOHO MY GOD YOU HAVE TEETH, THEY LOOK LIKE GOPHER TEETH caffienatedconfetti: to be fair, the others aren't much better Starscreamapillar: Because your own teeth are surely so much more sensible. caffienatedconfetti: at least mine are straight, nerd thenightetc: So is the bullying plotline coming back, or is this just about how "great" Cool Cat is now caffienatedconfetti: noonoooONONONO EW caffienatedconfetti: EWEWWEWEWW caffienatedconfetti: EWEEWW thebes: SO WE NOW KNOW SOMEONE SAT DOWN AND WROTE THAT FOR A KIDS MOVIE caffienatedconfetti: specifically, daddy derek wrote it thenightetc: Oh, you know!  Just a little something for the parents. caffienatedconfetti: my mom gave me a bayverse optimus toy by mistake Starscreamapillar: The bully returns? caffienatedconfetti: i buried it in the mud where it belongs lol caffienatedconfetti: nice grammar nerd Starscreamapillar: The cat could just stand up, and kick the bully in the face. caffienatedconfetti: he is a thirty year old man in a cat suit, i'm pretty sure he can overpower a small chubby 12 year old thenightetc: PFFF Starscreamapillar: Lies on the internet? Who ever heard of such a thing. thenightetc: Surely not. thenightetc: And if he were a real cat that size, he could just eat the bully thenightetc: Or like, half of him.  Leave the rest on his parents' porch caffienatedconfetti: yes caffienatedconfetti: accuracy caffienatedconfetti: oh lord he has eyebrows caffienatedconfetti: BEAT HIS ***\ caffienatedconfetti: i can't stay guys, gotta go take the dogs out and get to bed thenightetc: Now that you've drawn my attention to those lips I can't look away.  :( caffienatedconfetti: lol caffienatedconfetti: night yall caffienatedconfetti: starscream, do something about those teeth thenightetc: He's going to call him WHAT Starscreamapillar: Get slagged. caffienatedconfetti: love you too! thenightetc: Goodnight caffienatedconfetti: night@ Knock Out: Good night, caffienated human! caffienatedconfetti: knockout can give you beauty tips ehehhehe thenightetc: Fish swim upstream to spawn.  So... thenightetc: Is this poem about a fish orgy Knock Out: I like his broad daylight bedtime Starscreamapillar: Their neighbours must hate this weirdo in a cat costume screaming in the backyard all day about fish. Knock Out: A lot of "friends." thenightetc: They just have a fire extinguisher mounted in the corner thenightetc: In the hall thenightetc: Haha, it falls over thenightetc: And now it's mysteriously back upright Knock Out: Oh Unicron, no! thenightetc: How Do You Do Fellow Teens thebes: It just keeps GOING Starscreamapillar: How long is this nightmare? Knock Out: The ride never ends. thenightetc: "Hey, this costume doesn't have any teeth.  Do we really need a tooth-brushing scene?"  "Just fake it, it'll be fine" thenightetc: Oh, oh! thenightetc: Is this the one that ends with the bully getting run over? Starscreamapillar: He loves to eat babies. thenightetc: Eat him, Cool CAt! Starscreamapillar: So they take him away. thenightetc: "where are your parents, kid" Knock Out: Wasn't the human who played the shady police man a porn star? thenightetc: What's shady about arresting some child who you didn't see committing any crimes? Starscreamapillar: He didn't arrest him, he just placed him in his car, and took him away. Probably to the 'Funhouse' thenightetc: Lucky stick? Starscreamapillar: The traditional treasure poking stick. thebes: this special runs off of wrong ideas Starscreamapillar: Maybe they find a corpse. thenightetc: Ha! Knock Out: "Fat time?" Starscreamapillar: Tell me that bully shoots himself. Knock Out: Or shoots Cool Cat. thenightetc: That would be a hilarious twist Starscreamapillar: Yes, handle that evidence with your bare hands. thenightetc: I'm sure a random gun somebody threw in the bushes wasn't used in a crime or anything, come on. thenightetc: Isn't it a bit unfair for an adult to enter a contest for children Knock Out: Incredibly so. Starscreamapillar: To be fair, he seems developmentaly challenged. thenightetc: "Violence solves everything" Starscreamapillar: Primus, there's more... thenightetc: Uh oh Knock Out: No, but we can't sign off without watching this. thenightetc: Uhhhh Starscreamapillar: Excellent. Knock Out: And there you have it. thenightetc: A happy ending Starscreamapillar: I shall never rest easily again. Knock Out: Mission accomplished. thebes: that was several times too long for that plot Starscreamapillar: Thank you for hosting this evening's nightmare fuel, I cannot say why I kee coming back. Until next time. thenightetc: Goodnight! Knock Out: Good night, everyone! thenightetc: You do spoil us with these. thebes: good night!

[duckandrollblog]

Sample Campaign

This Month's theme is : Campaigns, and so all month long Duck and Roll will be talking about campaign styles, how to build a progression of adventures, how to build an open sandbox game, and more.  

 We're going to kick things off with a nice little sample campaign structure. We're gonna start off with a pretty basic structure that can work in just about any kind of game. This model focuses strongly on getting the most out of a very small range of foes and it starts with a lot of excitement and builds up continually from there. Because of the tight focus it serves best for short campaigns and works well without having many or even any side adventures. This model also provides a good mix of fear, action, and excitement. It's heavy on stealth but has plenty of room for some combat and problem solving and provides a heavy dark atmosphere. Let's take a look:

 Adventure 1: The first encounter

The first encounter is a horror themed adventure. The player characters find themselves together in an isolated area. This works best in an enclosed space where options for escape are few. Good approaches to this are: A carnival funhouse, an office building after dark, the dungeon of a castle, a derelict ship, a small colony on a remote island/planet/moon, in a restricted military base, a pocket plane, or a space station. In this location the players are stalked by your villain of choice. This foe should be powerful, persistent, terrifying, and in some way unnatural. Ideal foes are implacable undead, murderous robots, frightening eldritch beings, killer golems, or the like. The foe stalks them through the location of choice, killing npc allies and making its best attempt on the players themselves. The foe should either be immortal, or at least durable beyond the ability of the party members and it should be clear. If the players have guns then it should soak lead, collapse, and then crawl back to its feet and continue pursuit. If the players have knives it should take a stabbing without even bleeding or slowing. Classic examples of this foe are foes like the Terminator, Jason Vorhees, DND Trolls, and Resident Evil's Nemesis or Tyrant. The foe pursues them slowly but unfailingly and finally through the perfect set of circumstances the party is able to slay or escape the foe and live another day.  During the adventure any information about the enemy is very well concealed and very minimal. No one knows what it is or where it came from or what it's after, and what little can be determined is hard to piece together. It's important however that the final result of adventure#3 is in some way foreshadowed here. And make sure you save your map if you made one, we might need it later.

Adventure#2: The nightmare returns

This adventure is the least like a traditional adventure in the series because it's quite the opposite of the first one. In this adventure the party from the previous encounter becomes aware of signs that whatever stalked and hunted them is back. Maybe a group of slayings on the news match the monsters M.O, maybe the trail of filth it leaves behind has been seen around, maybe the nightmares that it brings with it start all over. Some way the players know that the thing is back. This can also be done by having a group of npc's approach them, they say they know what the players have been through and now the monster is after them!

From there however the players are able to act accordingly. They can try to get help, but who would believe what they've been through, and more important who could actually be powerful enough to help them? The intention here is to build a sense of fear and helplessness. The monster is out there, it's taking lives and only a few people have ever seen it and survived. The players may use this opportunity to reach out to eachother but even if they don't they'll still be in a great position for the climax of the adventure. Once the fear and paranoia has been cranked up it's time for the monster to emerge, but this time it's different somehow. It fights different, or looks different, or it's wounds and scars are gone, it's still closer to the foe they faced than anything else, but something is wrong. It may seem like it's evolved, or devolved, but as the players engage, flee, or hide from the threat they get "the message". A cell phone call from someone who contacted the players, a desperate message spell, a psychic scream, a cry for help in the night, the distant howl of... a second monster. This threat, this foe is not the one they faced before, the invincible unstoppable threat they barely survived, there's more than one. The party escapes, maybe fleeing, maybe somehow slaying both monsters. But they find neither is the one they faced before. These things are out there, and now there can be no doubt, answers must be found before it's too late...if it isn't already.

 Adventure#3 The delve.

After pressing their contacts, consulting the stars, or a lengthy investigation the players become aware of a location that may hold the secrets they're after. An abandoned lab, a distant planet, a forgotten portal, a long closed amusement park, some desolate location holds the secret of the monsters. This may sound a lot like adventre#1, and it should, in fact if it's at all possible this adventure is best set in the ruins or remains of wherever adventure 1 happened, making your map twice as useful. This time however the players know that one or more of the monsters is out there, and they may even be coming from the very bowels of this location. This time escape is not enough, they need answers. This is where all the clues dropped in part 1 can come around and become important messages, the final pieces, or at least more pieces, fall into place and the players understand the full scale of the problem. While evading capture and whatever natural hazards fill the area the party learns that this is just the beginning, that the country, kingdom, world or galaxy could be threatened by this epidemic. What they face now are just the first things awakened from cryosleep, prototype robots, the weaker brood. The players also find the origins of these things and more importantly, how to stop them. They have a weakness, not just for defeating the creatures individually, but for stopping all of them. An EMP, a computer virus, an airborne toxin, a single specially made ritual, some Achilles heel. But in order to make use of it, the party must venture to the very heart of the enemy itself.

 Adventure#4 The final adventure.

The party must now infiltrate the root of the enemy. Now powerful foes, nearly unstoppable threats, are in a multitude and hope wears thin. Now the players can put all the skills and allies they've gained to the test in the climax of the campaign. The nature of the enemy means an all out assault is insane in the best of times so the key for this adventure is stealth. This helps play on the same ideas and themes as the first adventure, but now, thematically, the players are on the offensive, stalking, sneaking, hiding and surviving. This is also a good place to include a few very easy combat encounters, a chance for the players to show off how strong they've become. The element of danger and excitement in these battles though is that the foes don't have to win, they only have to raise an alarm in order for the fight to go very badly for the players. These smaller encounters should be with scientists, failed experiments, security drones or the like to ensure that the big monster of the campaign doesn't get devalued. Finally the players reach the end goal, the final switch. Customarily there should be a nice big boss fight here. If the power creep has been minimal then it could be the first monster from the first adventure, provided it was defeated in a way that leaves a chance for its return. Alternatively it could be an aberrant mutant, a superior next generation model, or the original being that was cloned to make the others. Ideally this monster should be powerful, relentless, and unbeatable, but all the party has to do is keep it busy long enough to execute the program or flip the switch and turn the key or complete the ritual in the right place and then, sweet sweet victory will be had. The threat is finally over, the monsters are banished or de-activated or slain, and the players have earned a long rest.

  Variation: This arc is flexible enough to leave a lot of room for variation. You can use robots, plant people, demons, evil clone demigods, animatronic fursuits, aliens, all kinds of stuff fit this model quite nicely. One could also lighten the tone considerably by casting everything in the light of a B movie. The police are useless to help and don't believe anything, the monster has improbable and sometimes wildly changing powers, the deaths are over the top and gory, and despite mortal danger NPC's are inexplicably prone to making out alone in the bushes.

 Works well with:

Paranoia: Someone or something was behind all of this. This kind of technology isn't cheap. Somewhere pulling the strings is a huge bureaucratic entity. It could be an evil corporation, or a secret branch of the government, but somewhere there were people of power who put their seal of approval on these nightmares.

Eldritch horror: These things simply should not be. Perhaps they are monsters from another reality, perhaps they are created and fed by fear itself, perhaps they came here from beyond the stars. Even if they're defeated the players will forever be haunted by what they've seen, and by the knowledge that things like that exist.

After the ending:

The nightmare continues: The robots are all shut down, except that one who the players shocked so bad it's uplink was severed. A single mutated variant of the creatures survived. The progenitor of the species didn't die in the final battle and went into hiding. Somehow, someway the creature that always comes back...came back! This can lead to either a final adventure where the players must finally face off against the last remaining monster in a no holds barred battle to the death. Or it could also be used to have that creature propagate, reproduce, and begin a whole new arc.

Enter phase two: The project was a failure, but valuable information was gained, and while costly, the wheels of industry keep on turning. A new monster can be cloned, or bred, or captured, one immune to the weaknesses of the predecessor.

The heroes of the past: Once you've battle against terrifying monsters and save the country/world/galaxy regular challenges feel dull and muted. From here we follow the players after their great adventure. The GM should throw a simple, boring, easy challenge, emphasizing how much the players have grown, what they're capable of, and how much more they could accomplish. From there a new opportunity arises. A monster that needs defeating, a special ops team, the call of the king or president, someone needs the heroes to regroup and face a new challenge.

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