#holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane
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So. Anyone else feeling a little unhinged rn?
#I've had to double my anti depressants#good news is that it's working#bad news is I still can't stay off social media#I saw another dead baby and this time just felt glad she didn't have to suffer this hell anymore#I have never wanted to believe in God more#I'm really glad they do#they believe their children are with God with all their hearts and I've started to imagine that's true too#holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane#hyperfixating on Gaza for 6 wks while my hyperempathy went utterly haywire#has my brain dead convinced I'm Arab or something#I feel very stupid and guilty about it#like what right have I to claim this grief#and yet it's still easier to focus on than what's going on in my own country#ever since the protests fell apart last year and everything we had such hope for got flushed down the toilet#I just completely shut down#couldn't stand re-engaging with the world anymore#nearly ran out of reasons to keep going entirely this year#then when Gaza happened#I couldn't do anything but watch and learn and disseminate info like my life depended on it#just like with the SL protests#but it galvanized me the same way#I feel like it's breaking me down the same way too#I see all these massive protests and people chaining themselves and lying on the roads and getting thrown around by cops#I always felt that white and Western people could never truly feel our pain and it's amazing to see I was wrong#I feel so much love and awe and gratitude for them#but hope keeps getting dimmer and I'm slipping into despair again#exactly like with the SL protests#I don't want to go through all that betrayal and heartbreak and depression again#nobody that's directly impacted by this knows I exist and all the terrible pain I carry doesn't make a damn bit of difference#so I'm just spiralling alone in my head to no purpose lol
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