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#holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane
hussyknee
·
10 months
Text
So. Anyone else feeling a little unhinged rn?
#I've had to double my anti depressants
#good news is that it's working
#bad news is I still can't stay off social media
#I saw another dead baby and this time just felt glad she didn't have to suffer this hell anymore
#I have never wanted to believe in God more
#I'm really glad they do
#they believe their children are with God with all their hearts and I've started to imagine that's true too
#holding onto their faith when I have none because otherwise I'd go insane
#hyperfixating on Gaza for 6 wks while my hyperempathy went utterly haywire
#has my brain dead convinced I'm Arab or something
#I feel very stupid and guilty about it
#like what right have I to claim this grief
#and yet it's still easier to focus on than what's going on in my own country
#ever since the protests fell apart last year and everything we had such hope for got flushed down the toilet
#I just completely shut down
#couldn't stand re-engaging with the world anymore
#nearly ran out of reasons to keep going entirely this year
#then when Gaza happened
#I couldn't do anything but watch and learn and disseminate info like my life depended on it
#just like with the SL protests
#but it galvanized me the same way
#I feel like it's breaking me down the same way too
#I see all these massive protests and people chaining themselves and lying on the roads and getting thrown around by cops
#I always felt that white and Western people could never truly feel our pain and it's amazing to see I was wrong
#I feel so much love and awe and gratitude for them
#but hope keeps getting dimmer and I'm slipping into despair again
#exactly like with the SL protests
#I don't want to go through all that betrayal and heartbreak and depression again
#nobody that's directly impacted by this knows I exist and all the terrible pain I carry doesn't make a damn bit of difference
#so I'm just spiralling alone in my head to no purpose lol
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