#hh i can't believe i'm actually gonna post this i'm so scared haha

[protectchatnoir]

hiiiiiii. so uh, I figured I'd make a post? about my writing and stuff?? so here goes.

(this is gonna be kinda long and I can't put it under a read more cuz,, tumblr mobile aha so uh,, feel free to just skip right past this aa srry ;;)

this probably isn't important to a lot of people, but I just wanted y'all to know, so here we are sjdhsjdbdh so the thing I wanna talk about is my writing I guess?? if you know me, you probably know that I write stuff on ao3 etc etc.

you also probably know that I suck at committing to anything and rarely finish things.

one thing that's been on my mind a lot is my series, Think Fast. if you followed me way back in 2017 akdhsjdh,, you probably know of Think Fast, Act Faster and how it was,, kinda a big deal for me back then?? Like,, it was my main fic and I put so much time and effort into it.

and, let's be real, it was a big vent fic. Things weren't so great back then and it helped me cope?? and then,, seeing all the comments on it helped, too. it was important to me, knowing that people were enjoying reading as much as I needed to write it. That made it even more worthwhile, I guess.

But the feedback started turning,, less nice?? Not negative exactly, but I felt like people cared less and less about how important the story was for me, and more about the quality or storyline or whatever.

looking back, that whole series is sloppy. My writing is bad, it's barely edited, there isn't much of a plot - but that didn't matter to me. I wrote it because I needed an outlet, something to help me cope - and it helped me.

but it felt like people were starting to get,, annoyed(?) with where the story was going. and suddenly writing it wasn't so worthwhile.

plus, I was recovering, I was getting better - and writing something so heavy was dragging me down. So I stopped. I didn't update. Dang, I wanted to get it finished by June last year. That didn't work out.

I want to finish it. It's on my mind, it's weighing me down. and half of my mind is telling me just to do it. That way I can put it behind me. But the other half is telling me to delete it and have nothing more to do with it, because it's a worthless piece of shit writing that nobody needs.

(I'm not going to delete it, I don't think.)

I want to finish it. It hurts, knowing that probably nobody will read it, and it isn't important anymore. That it isn't important to me anymore.

But it was important to me. It kept me going. It gave me routine. Something to do, something that I had to do, something that I couldn't just drop because people were waiting for me. It gave me something to hold onto during the literal worst year of my life. maybe even saved my life a little? idk haha

So I'm going to finish it. It's not important anymore - but at the same time, it's so important, and I can't let anyone tell me otherwise. I know my writing is bad and it doesn't mean anything to anyone besides myself, but it kept me going. And I can't just forget about that. (I know it seems silly that something so simple could help me cope so much, but seriously - anything that works, right? Whatever it is, you have to hold onto it.)

As for my other fics, I don't know. Writing is hard at the minute. I mean, I'm still writing, but not anything that you guys will see. Please don't judge me too harshly; I just can't find the motivation for it.

To those of you who do read my stuff, I'm sorry for letting you down and sorry for bringing this overdramatic negative monologue onto your dash skdjshd

if you're reading this, well, that's kinda a big deal too, because just typing this took a lot of courage and posting it is gonna take even more skdjskdbdjsdj

anyways, if you read this, just,, thank you?? skdjsjdj thanks for listening to my silly rambling and stuff. I just really had to get this off my chest, y'know??

so yeah. I'm gonna try and finish this stupid series. even if it takes all year.

and when I do, if anyone actually decides to read the whole thing, well,, I'd super appreciate that.

maybe it could help you understand me a little better, idk. maybe it can help you in the same way that it helped me.