#her and Charles' dynamic weren't so bad.

[skylie-spiderlillis]

Don't get me wrong, I love painland because they're the land of pain payneland dearly & I'm currently writing *multiple* fics about them.

But if I hear one more person saying shit about Crystal and saying she was gross for what she had with Charles I'll fucking scream.

[ravenishishtrash]

Okay so ✨Hamilton fanficion✨

Back in 2018 I was a big Hamilton (and other musicals like BMC, DEH, Heathers) fan, and I'm talking like a having amino (and a semi decent following on it), drawing silly fanart of the characters in maid suits, reading fanfiction fan

And sometimes I just go by my day and I randomly remember something from a Hamilton fanfiction that makes me stop in my tracks

And so, I decided to come onto here and provide a list of things I remember, that I want to forget, and am afraid that I'll forget at the same time, about Hamilton fanficion

(this being said, if you're still a hamilton fanfiction writer, you do you, this post does not mean to offend you)

I think like 80% of the fics if not more were college AU fics, and 15% were just different AUs but I don't think I've actually read a fic that wasn't a random one-shot taking place in canon timeline (I do believe it was because all of the hamilton ff writers just like me were 16 back then, and just simply did not know how to write historical fiction)

Most of the fics were LAMS (which is Alexander Hamilton x John Laurens) and it was practically canon in fandom eyes, and before anyone says anything, I've seen the letters, of course I've seen them but guyz, I think we were just a little bit delulu with how firmly we believed this (and I'm including myself in this!)

Still on shipping, the second most popular one was Jamilton (Thomas Jefferson x Alexander Hamilton) and I'm gonna be honest, this was my shit, I enjoyed this dynamic a lot more (I always found friends to lovers a bit boring), but man, were the ship wars brutal, I remember when amino mods tried to actually do some sort of a debate lams vs jamilton in which there were actual teams that wrote whole essays about which ship is more valid, but they ended up insulting each other after maybe two rounds

The last ship with its own point is Hamburr (Alexander Hamilton x Aaron Burr), I've always perceived this one as a cool kids ship, I think people who shipped this were the most chill about it

Background ships included Mulette (Muligan x Lafayette), which was one of those ships that were always in the background some sort of "if you don't ship this as your side ship i don't trust you" kind of ship, the same goes to Jeffmads (Jefferson x Madison) in lams fics, and in a lesser degree, and i don't remember its name, Eliza Schuler x Maria Lewis Reynolds (if you don't remember her from her name, is the woman Hamilton cheats on Eliza with), which is always fun, we love seeing some wlw

And now, the random facts that were just headcanons that people very often included, Jefferson and Lafayette were almost always in some sort related (especially in Jamilton fics) and that's because of the double cast, but I don't really think the same was true for any other character it was just them

Hamilton was always a caffeine addict with a bad sleep schedule who was way too engaged in whatever topic the fic made him and I remember one fic (it was a college au, of course) where the whole point was that it was actively ruining his relationships around him (it was a hamburr fic)

John Laurens loved turtles bc of some historical letters in which he mentioned he liked turtles and fandom did its thing and you couldn't read a lams fic where turtles weren't mentioned at least once

Charles Lee and Samuel Seabury were always minor villains/mean college students and the latter was sometimes in a weird unhealthy relationship with (king) George

There was no Eliza slander! I know it's a weird point, but now seeing how fandoms like spn or 911 reacted to female love interest I’m actually suprised there wasn't any, she was always just a good friend (or, in one Soulmate AU I think it was Jamilton, Eliza had Hamilton's name on her wrist but he didn't have hers and that was just brutal)

There was this fic that I won't mention by its whole name (it's off the internet anyway, I don't think the author wants to be reminded of it nor associated with it), that was a hanahaki AU Jamilton that nearing the end of its run had 300k+ words; it was about Alex having a mean spirited rivalry with Jefferson at their corpo lawyer job but hearing he has hanahaki so deciding he wants to be nice to him now, but little does he know that the hanahaki in question is *for* him and later he himself develops hanahaki for Jefferson and they even live together at one point so they have this situation where both of them are willing to die in order to keep the other one happy and cure them by being their rebounds but they actively making each other worse, it's probably not as good as I remember it to be but godDAMN was it a cult classic it really was one of the kind, ALSO a girl on a plane asked me what fic I was reading bc she was peeking over my shoulder because it looked good and it's just one of the interactions I will *never* forget

This fandom was also my first impression of A/B/O dynamic and it wasn't a good one, one of the fics with it that I remember was Jamilton, in which Hamilton was some sort of Omega activist (there was a scene where he was annoyed that romantic comedies in universe pushed the agenda of omega leaving their omegaxomega relationship for an alpha when oxo can be fully normally sufficient) and Jefferson was an alpha and there was a scene at a diner where Jefferson was spreading his pheromones so the other alphas would stop looking at Hamilton? yeah thanks, no thanks

Washington was 95% of the time Hamilton's father in one way or another but what did you expect, in one fic he was even Hamilton's mother soulmate but she died before he met her which I didn't know was possible in soulmates aus

I read one Jamilton fic on wattpad (even then I rarely used wattpad) that I think was (a college au) about how madison and jefferson were in abusive relationship and hamilton "rescued" jefferson out of it? (it feaured a truly iconic quote in a scene that i still remember where jefferson was having a panic attack in the dorm's bathroom and madison didn't want hamilton to think he was an abuser so he said something along the lines of "Don't listen to this whore" and Hamilton responded "I won't listen to a whore" and Jefferson was like no he also hates me no one loves me and then Hamilton added "But Thomas isn't a whore." and I kid you not, I think about this scene every time I see that stupid "do you think im pretty?" "no." ":(" "you're beautiful" meme) and my art was featured in one of the chapters! it wasn't a good art, but it was one of my biggest achievements back then (I drew the most art during my hamilton phase, I wish I kept that passion for drawing in the years to come)

And... I think that's all that I can think of off top of my head

Despite many peoples' opinion now, I don't think the fandom was wrong in how they perceived the source material, any who was in the fandom at that time can tell you that sometimes it felt like it's own entity, those were our characters and what they did in the musical and the historical context didn't really matter in the long run, besides some limited posts about lams or just funfacts about the real lives of the characters (i have so many funfacts about inaccuracies in hamilton stored in my head), just what the dynamic between them was

But, as have many, I grew out of hamilton fanfiction, it shaped how I moved around fanfiction and fandom spaces for years and no matter how much "cringe" that fandom was (and it was cringe in every way possible) I probably won't forget the fun parts (for example how I joined judges guild on amino that was supposed to host contests regularly and then we did one contest and 90% of the members stopped responding so I pretty much single-handedly picked the winners when we had like I think about 20-30 entries? contests were a big deal on amino) and I won't regret it, I think it was one of the if not best then funniest places to be on the Internet in 2018

I have recently rewatched Hamilton now that it is available on streaming and one) I found out that I didn't really know all the lyrics and certainly not what some parts mean (english as you probably already have noticed is not my first language) and two) I actually found myself thinking, man, i would like to read some good fanfiction about this, but not a single one Hamilton fanfiction on ao3 can be separated from how the fandom perceived the characters and that's okay, it's just the way it is

If you truly want to know the grasp of what was normal or not in this fandom, let me tell you this: I saw Jefferson Miku Binder before it was a meme, and it really wasn't that weird, I was seeing art and headcanons like these on the regular, that just how the fandom looked like

and with that, I'm signing off

[superconductivebean]

If I recall her memories correctly, Isidora stored some of the pain junk inside the castle repo, and then commissioned Bragbor to built something bigger for the rest of jars. There were no jars left; Bragbor was also confused about what had she been storing in them.

He didn't know what these things were because he couldn't see what Isidora saw. To him the jars were just… empty jars.

Then, Charles says something among the lines of the castle being 'his former residence'. The castle was already decrepit, if not to note abandoned, by the time he and other Keepers visited Feldcroft, so I do not suppose anybody would look up the repo in there given it must had been either excavated or the door unlocked somehow (could've been bewitched or sealed).

I went to watch the repo location and it seems to had been buried in the walls?.. There are tracks of a machine there, too. It wasn't as easy to find.

I'd also note Bragbor and Charles working together doesn't necesserally imply they were keeping each other informed about the repo and its contents. Their conversations could be rather minor and involved a kind of dynamic Rookwood and Ranrok had: Charles basically granted Bragbor the right to roam the abandoned castle on his own volition, however.

Charles does indicate he might've known something about the power Ranrok wielded as in, the source of it -- but he doesn't reveal he knew about the repo, not in this quest at least?

Did he at the end of the game?*

His reaction, though, is so vaguely expressed it can be interpreted as he didn't quite realised there could've been another repo -- or, not quite in trust of MC yet, decided not to explain what exactly were the repo's contents as MC was yet to understand what that stuff can do to a person.

And yes, the Keepers absolutely do have an agenda. They aren't benevolent or helpful, they are portraits of the long dead people who aimed not to study the junk Isidora's spell left but to keep its container from ruination as they couldn't know what could happen if it gets breached or destroyed. The Keepers aren't the bad guys either I must note; they are neutral characters. Their aversion is explained thorought every interaction: they might have wanted to study it but not in the Isidora's way that was basically semi-mindless collection of some kind of a spell leftover. It's also important to note that the Keepers didn't forbid it; they advised against using an unknown form of magic, and they weren't wrong in being wary of it. Nor they are wrong in guiding MC to think of it as of a dangerous thing, that junk that is. It is truly dangerous as it amplifies all the rage and hate, grants tremendous powers, and renders the peep --regardless a wyrd or not-- a being of the pure, chaotic magic.

On a side note: Bragbor doesn't seem to be a complete stranger to the Keepers.

*To think on it, Percival's reaction some time in the beginning of the game was strange, too, so perhaps they could know?.. But given Percival's general lack of perception when it comes to anything concerning the future, it wouldn't surpirse me if Charles didn't know but suspected something and didn't tell anyone, and Percival was like, 'It Cannot Be I Refuse To Believe We Are Safe As Is I Will Copypaste My Trial Into Yours'.

Is there any explanation why, despite the keeper telling MC to not open the repository under Hogwarts, there is another repository in Rookwood Castle???

[dwtsfun]

Dancing with the Stars Season 31 Week 5 Part 1: Most Memorable Year is Back! And an Unexpected Result

I know this is early this week, but I don't have time to be playing around with two recaps on Wednesday and Thursday. So I'm forcing myself to get this one finished before tonight's show that I'm already gonna have to watch late due to a work commitment.

Before I get started, I want to talk about Selma and Sasha. As we all know at this point, Selma decided to withdraw from the competition due to health reasons. You have to respect how proactive she was about everything. She and her doctor were monitoring her body all season and as soon as things started to go south, she decided to bow out to make sure she didn't cause any permanent damage. To me that speaks volumes. As inspiring as her journey has been, I also feel that her departure was just as inspiring and maybe even more important. It's a story of making sure you listen to your body and don't push yourself past the point of no return. I'm glad she was able to do one last dance with Sasha. It was beautiful and I'm so glad that she and Sasha got to leave on such a positive note. Now, I don't think everything was handled the best and the show could've tightened up in a few places. But all in all, I really love that they got to be celebrated during their last hurrah.

Trevor and Emma- Jazz (Score=32)- I really have three things to say about this dance. 1) This was Trevor's best dance by a long shot. 2) It still doesn't feel all that natural when he dances. And 3) This was just a contemporary dance with shoes on. They should've just been assigned contemporary and called it a day.

Shangela and Gleb- Foxtrot (Score=32)- It was really nice seeing this different side of Shangela. She was subdued but still very dynamic. She moves beautifully and is so expressive in these slower ballroom dances. I loved her arms. Now, her shoulders need to come back down as they were creeping up at times. She also had a mistake. Other than those things, it was a great dance.

Jessie and Alan- Tango (Score=29)- This was Jessie's best dance by a long shot and it sucks that her dance last week was scored so high that it seems like they took a backstep. The judges were just on some bs. Now the first half was a bit of a mess. Her frame was bad. She had many mistakes. The breakdown was a bit wtf moment and she was off beat. But after that, the dance improved drastically and I felt like I was watching a legit contender. We need more of that Jessie.

Gabby and Val- Foxtrot (Score=36)- I have to say that this was Gabby's best dance so far. A lot of the issues that I usually have with her, weren't as obvious as they usually are. She does have really nice turns. I just need for her to work on the performance aspect of her dancing now.

Joseph and Daniella- Rumba (Score=34)- I was shocked at how well Joe handled this dance. I wouldn't go as far as to say that this was one of the best male rumbas ever. I immediately think to Apolo (S15), Corbin and Jordan who all had some of the best rumbas I've ever seen from a man. What I will say is that it was a really good dance and the technique that I saw from him was very impressive. His hip action was especially good. Now the song choice with the dance style left much to be desired. And the last pose was a bit too corny for my liking, but it was a really good dance.

Daniel and Britt- Contemporary (Score=34)- In my opinion, this was Daniel's best dance. I thought two 9s was a bit too high. I felt like one was deserved. Daniel still needs to connect his movements for me. There still is too much empty space between when he completes one and starts the next. I also thought a few of the lifts were a little shaky. I did like his arm extensions though. Those were really nice to see.

Jordin and Brandon- Salsa (Score=33)- It was nice seeing how much more comfortable Jordin has gotten with dancing over the course of the competition. Even though there were some mistakes and it wasn't as polished as her dances usually are, it was still very good and I love this upward trajectory.

Charli and Mark- Contemporary (Score=39)- This dance was amazing. The concept was incredible. It was beautifully performed. I felt like Charli really connected to this dance in a way that she hasn't before. It's exactly what I've been looking for from her. I loved it. It was perfect to me. But Len giving it a 9 makes sense.

Vinny and Koko- Jazz (Score=32)- Vinny has come so far in such a short amount of time. He performed this so well. There were no mistakes. It was clean. Sure it was simple. But I'd rather the dance be simple and clean versus messy and complicated. As we go on, I think Koko can add more complexity to his dances and he'll be able to handle it. But it's best to have a solid foundation and build on that.

Heidi and Artem- Rumba (Score=36)- I have to say that this was my favorite dance from Heidi by far. I do think that we needed more hip action from her and I want her to push the performance more. But like so many others this season, she's improved so much and I'm excited to see what else she's going to do this season.

Wayne and Witney- Foxtrot (Score=37)- This dance was gorgeous. Wayne has been a great dancer all season. But he has improved so much as well. I was super impressed with his frame more than anything else if I'm being honest. I think that's honestly what sold the dance for me.

So that was last night's dances. I will be late watching tonight but I'm hoping to get the next recap/review up by tomorrow. Let me know your thoughts and we'll see how tonight goes.

[dumbasscorn]

Exothermic : chapter four

Amalthea vs the Boring Talk 

"Also, I'm definitely gonna need all the gossip on the famous Bella Swan."

═ ∘♡༉∘ ═

Things in the Swan household were much different compared to living with Joshua Swan. The dynamic was different, very different. You were able to walk without seeing a beer bottle on the counter. The light switches worked on the first try. You did not have to slam your fist on the washer for it to begin its cycle. You could shower without having the water be near freezing.

Yes, things were different. Amalthea felt weird having things be easier.

It was quite the shock when the ebony-haired teen didn't wake up shivering from being so cold, her fingertips weren't turning blue for the first time in a while. Joshua and his daughter could only save enough money to have heat and warm water maybe twice a year. The two were accustomed to the cold, so they usually spent the money on more useful things like beer and books.

Charlie Swan had decided to take the day off to spend with his niece. Not a soul walked through the police station without hearing about the arrival of one Amalthea Rue Swan. The entire staff of the diner had even heard about the young girl! Therefore, nobody questioned why Charlie decided to take a personal day for the first time in years.

Bella Swan on the other hand fought to feel anything anymore. Days passed by being utterly bland. She felt like nothing. Everything was surrounded by painful memories. Sleep couldn't even be used as an escape. It was invaded by nightmares that began to plague the brunette once her boyfriend- ex boyfriend now- left her stranded in the woods. Talking even seemed to be too much to handle. Being happy or feeling anticipation was halted for so long that Bella thought she may never feel either emotion again.

Amalthea woke up disorientated, the bad dream that ran through her mind as she slept led to hear waking up panicked and in a sweat. God, she felt like ass.

Catching the breath that escaped her lungs when she startled awake, Amalthea made her way to the bathroom to splash water on her face. Turning the knob upward, water spurted out of the shiny faucet. Bringing two hands to cup the water, the teen felt relief fall on her shoulders as the ice cold water began to slow her fast paced heartbeat.

Drying her damp face with a towel, Amalthea decided to head downstairs to see if Charlie had awoken yet.

Seeing the brown haired man, Amalthea rubbed her left eye and spoke softly, "Good morning, Uncle Charlie."

Charlie twirled the top half of his body away from the brewing coffee to face his tired niece, "Good morning, Thea! How'd the first night sleeping go?"

Amalthea decided she liked when he called her that nickname, so she responded with a weak thumbs up and grabbed the box of Cheerios that was calling her name. Charlie opened the cabinet to get a bowl and spoon out, handing them to the teen. Thea nodded in thanks, pouring the cereal into the bowl and topping it off with milk she found in the fridge.

Taking a seat at the dining room table, Amalthea spooned the first bit of cereal into her mouth.

"After you finish eating we can talk about school and all that boring stuff."

Thea looked at the man in disscontempt, "Yeah, yeah. I know, so boring! It'll take a couple minutes and I'll take you to get paint after."

Thea gave her uncle a rock-and-roll symbol as a sign of agreement. Charlie watched her do so in amusement, her silence in the morning and use of hand signals reminding him deeply of his deceased brother.

Slowly slurping the remainder of the milk in the bowl, Amalthea stood to wash the dishes she used. Quickly doing so, she fell back into her chair and sighed, looking in her uncle's eyes. He snorted, "Don't look so excited there, Thea."

The girl slowly blinked, unimpressed. Charlie took the hint and began talking.

"Okay for starters, you'll start school on Monday-- which is good since it's only Saturday now-- and Bella will give you a ride there. She knows you're here, but she's going through some, uh- things right now. Oh hey- maybe she can introduce you to Jacob! He's your age, lives on the reservation, they've been hanging out a bunch lately-- good kid.

"Anyway, I thought it'd be good if she took you. It might be embarrassing to have your uncle taking you to school in a cop car-- yeah no it definitely would be. Back on track, we can get some notebooks for you today when we pick up the paint and whatever else you might need."

"Done?" Amalthea picked her head up off of her arms.

Charlie grinned widely, "Yep!"

"Yeah I totally thought that was gonna last forever. Kinda surprised you didn't even mention any rules. Also, I'm definitely gonna need all the gossip on the famous Bella Swan. You've got me all intrigued now, man."

Charlie chuckled, "Rules totally slipped, let's stick with--"

Amalthea butted in, "Tut-tut! Nope! None were mentioned, none gonna be followed. Sorry Uncle Charles, that's just how the cookie crumbles!" The teen giggled at Charlie's unamused face, moving to go upstairs.

"I'm gonna go get ready, hope you're down to take me shopping for paint now cause I really wanna paint today."

Charlie sighed and shook his head defeated, "Yeah, okay-- be ready in, what do ya say, 20 minutes?"

Thea hummed a mhm! and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

═ ∘♡༉∘ ═

Do you like the relationship Charlie and Thea have currently? I know you haven't seen much of it but I'm excited to show more of it! It will be adorable.  

master list 

[hottmessexpresss]

**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/

[seethingvortex]

OKAY all my thoughts under the read more. I was basically liveblogging this as I watched but I decided to just keep it all on this post. MAJOR SPOILERS & SCREENSHOTS

First of all the animation fucking rules, it feels so nice to finally watch a movie that has actual mood again.

Rest in peace Ishnifus this was not the eulogy you deserved LMAO

Man that proposal scene gave me such bad secondhand embarrassment, but good for Abigail honestly..... I don't think it would have been realistic if they ended up together immediately, or really at all within the span of the movie. I still wish she could have been more involved in the story, but in this movie even CFO did not have a whole lot of screen time. I think even Knubbler had more screen time than Charles, which was also disappointing a little bit, but it didn't ruin the movie for me.

I thought the whole reports of a band family dynamic were greatly exaggerated but wow. Obviously coming together as a family or a band of brothers has always been a theme in the show, but I never thought they'd actually spell it out. Knubbler really just went "Nathan you're the dad, Pickles you're the mom, MF and Skwisgaar you're the brothers, and Toki you're the sister." Also behold him:

And man, poor MF feeling as if he has no role or place in the band. It does make sense though, he's kind of always felt like an outsider & he's always had a very low self esteem. It would be incredibly easy for Salacia to possess him and control him to get to the band. It's so obvious, I can't believe I completely forgot about the cliffhanger from the previous movie

Nathan calling his parents when he's not sure what to do, wholesome and real as fuck

Damn I was not expecting them to fail at first, also RIP Knubbler.

Looking very slay here my liege

Also WOW I did not expect Murderface's exorcism to be so intense. Everyone looks like they don't want to do that to him. I knew he survived, but for a second I was like "Oh shit is he really dead?". I also appreciate how, when Murderface did finally come to and explained that he felt bad because they said he sucked, they weren't like "Nooo you dont suck you're our bass player man", they were just like "Yeah you do suck, but that's why we need you here as the voice of descent so that way all our shit sounds the best & doesn't end up mediocre." Very nice sentiment and it doesn't steamroll the fact that he does suck and that's okay lol

Poor Nathan is feeling just so responsible for everything that's happened up to this point, but I did laugh very hard at Pickles slapping the shit out of him

The face of a man completely done with Nathan's self sorry attitude ^

"Toki be a good boy and bring mommy his scotch" Any guy can be a babygirl but it takes a real man to be a single mother

"Abigail, I'm sorry I tried to force something that wasn't there. I respect you and I want you to be happy. I'll always grow stronger because I'll always have my relationship with musiiiic" (Nathan Nuts)

But in all seriousness that is a nice sentiment & that Nathan fully acknowledges that they were never really a thing, he was just kind of projecting his idea of a good and fulfilling life onto her

I am not immune to Toki being cute sorry

"You're the best mother... fucker... motherfucker..." That line delivery LMAO

The Song of Salvation does sound very good, but I would want to hear it whenever I have headphones so I can hear the mix better

Salacia: You're as mentally inept as they said you were. Nathan: It just takes me a long time to learn stuff... ME TOO BUDDY

Pickles: I ordered your last meal for you. Chocolate milk and cool ranch doritos Nathan: Yeah, I've always said that-- Pickles: It's the best thing a death metal vocalist can eat... Nathan: Shit... You really do know me...

Houston that's homo as hell

Pickles that was a little tender buddy, are you feeling okay ?

RIP Edgar u_u He had a good arc

Everyone who had "The fans are part of the prophecy" and "Priest fight" on their bingo card go ahead and mark one down. Them being the Army of the Doomstar was pretty good

I've never been hugely into Skwistok but this scene was very good, wholesome moment lol

THE DETHLIGHTS FINALLY RETURN & an EXCELLENT callback to Go Into The Water. It's crazy to think this show finally ended after almost 17 years and the conclusion had been written from the very beginning.

What started out as a seemingly goofy metal show turned into an epic of overcoming toxic masculinity & the ego of the artist. I think this movie was well worth the wait & I know I was mostly liveblogging all the goofy shit, but for what they could do in an hour and a half movie, I think that's a pretty good conclusion to the story.

ok im about to watch AOTD i'll let you know how it is, ill be using both #aotd spoilers and #army of the doomstar spoilers for those who dont want to see