#heavy on that last tag rip. these are fucking abysmal but all i can say is i tried my best and i'm sorry

[vcrnons]

JEONGHAN Last Night @ MNET 240620

[baby-grayson]

Kind Stranger|GBD|Part 9

Parts 1-8

Words: 3.6k

tw: fluff and angst? Tags: @dolanpornhub​ @styles-dolan​ @evergreendolan​ @someonetogray​ @vintagedolan​ @prettyboydolan​ @dolansficsandpics​ @graysavant​ @baby-turtles​ 

Grayson leaned back on a patch of grass, his body falling beneath him as he slumped on the ground. Ethan sat beside him, one arm draped over a bent knee and the other fidgeting with blades of grass. Ethan could swear Grayson hadn’t been this quiet since their father passed. Ethan struggled to comfort his brother, growing increasingly tired of dead ended conversations. Grayson had tried to call Kate at least once a day for the past five days: she never picked up. Ethan shepherded his brother between Zoom meetings, phone calls, and their various responsibilities while the shell of Grayson wallowed in heart break.

Grayson’s usually glimmering eyes were duller, like a light inside of his face had been put out. He had lost sleep, beginning the accumulation of heavy, dark bags under his eyes. The calluses on his hands were picked over and ripped up, his pass time during meetings. He and Ethan were preparing for Wakeheart’s candle launch, being persecuted on twitter for their podcast, and trying to maintain momentum for their Youtube channel. Grayson struggled to find focus, much less creative energy, since his fight with Kate.

This afternoon, Ethan invited Grayson longboarding in an attempt to get him out of their rental house, and hopefully out of his head. A few wipe outs later, the twins founded refuge on a patch of grass. The silence was deafening. Negative clouds ruled Grayson’s mind while Ethan tried to navigate around them to soothe his brother. “What did you do last time things weren’t so great?” Ethan probed, hoping to find the answer to Grayson’s dilemma. Grayson shrugged from where he laid on the ground. His eyes followed a cloud moving across the open sky above him. “We kinda---just …” Grayson exhaled, thinking about the happy times felt like a treacherous tap dance on his heart. “I went over. We kissed. I spent the night and it just went away..” Ethan’s jaw dropped softly as he cocked his head to the side. Grayson stayed focused on his favorite cloud and did not notice Ethan’s eyebrow raised. “Are you telling me you fucked it out of her?” Ethan could not veil the cutting tone in his voice. Grayson groaned. Her soft skin, her plumps lips, her whispy hair, her sweet, citrus scent..it all flooded back to him. Fuck. Fuck Ethan for making him think about this..about her..”No, we just got busy and happy and didn’t really think about it again.” Grayson’s eyes darted around, no longer able to locate his cloud. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to focus on the feeling of the ground beneath him when he added, “We haven’t had sex yet.”

Ethan’s head pushed back, his brother was always full of surprises. It both made all sense and no sense to him. Grayson usually practiced certain activities on a regular basis, soon after meeting women. Of course Grayson would have waited for the girl who actually meant something to him. Ethan exhaled, realizing the gravity of the situation. “You do know you can’t be a virgin until marriage if you’re not a virgin when you meet her, right? Do I need to explain that idea to you?” Grayson’s arms went limp against the grass. He exhaled through his nose, striking a twinge of pain in his sinuses. He did not try to mask the annoyance in his voice, “No, but you can explain what I need to do to get her back.” Grayson’s head throbbed in pain, his lack of sleep not serving him well. His eyes felt heavy. His body felt heavy. His soul felt heavy. He questioned where he went wrong. His heart twisted and turned between being hurt and wanting to hear an apologize but feeling the obligation to apologize himself. He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling and asking himself if this was a preventable problem. He barely heard Ethan’s words of encouragement, telling him not to give up on her if she really meant something to him.

******* Kate opened her freezer to pull out one of many pints of ice cream. She dug a spoon out of the bottom of a kitchen drawer, not wanting to think about the pile of dishes sitting in her sink. She plopped down on her bed, opened her third pint of the day and continued playing the youtube video lighting up her laptop. Getting over a break up was hard—Was this a break up?—but it was made even harder when the object of your affection was plastered all over the internet. 

Over the past five days, Kate had consumed enough Dolan Twins content for a lifetime. She watched Grayson perform as a goofy teenager on TRL. She mused over him in the image of a Greek God at Paris Fashion Week. She cried over a scoop of chocolate ice cream while watching his tribute to his father. She laughed at the antics of a younger Grayson and Ethan. She admired the way his hair fell in front of his face. His wheezy laugh sounded like a song to her. His smile beamed through her heart and lit her soul on fire.

And suddenly, she remembered that she kicked Grayson out of her apartment and her heart. Occasionally, she would hold her phone when he called. She would let it ring, internally debating whether she knew what to say. Did she miss him in a deep place? Yes. Was she willing to forgive him for his double standard? For holding her to different rules? For trying to control the way she processed and celebrated their relationship? No. His phone calls extenuated the moot point.

She cursed his beautiful face when it appeared on her screen. She cursed the glittered gems embedded in his teeth. She cursed the watercolor tattoos on his legs. She cursed every ridge and curve of his bronzed, muscular body. Somehow, having a virtual Grayson in her company only made her feel more alone.

LA was a lonely place, especially when you moved during a pandemic. Kate missed Philly, the familiar sound of the subway and bustle of people in City Center. She missed walking through the universities, looking for food trucks in the afternoon. She missed not wondering if everyone she walked by on the street was an internet celebrity, post-career actor, or wanna-be sugar daddy. LA wasn’t home: LA was a lonely, abysmal place that separated Grayson Dolan from Kathleen Walker.

A hollow knock rapped across the front door. Kate sat straight up, not trusting her own ears. No one in LA knew where she lived…except—Kate shot up when the knock came again. She looked down at her bare thighs, the very tops of which were covered by an oversized t-shirt. A third knock jolted her off of her bed. She tossed her ice cream to the side and hurried to open the front door.

She turned the lock to expose a tall, muscular figure towering over her. His familiar hazel eyes seemed completely strange to her in that moment. He trimmed his hair since the last time she saw him, keeping it out of his face. His sharp jaw line nearly reflected the sun’s rays from outside her apartment. “What are you doing here Ethan?”

Ethan removed his hands from his pockets and bit his lip softly, “Can I come in? I was hoping we could talk.”

Kate opened the door further, letting Ethan stroll through the door. Ethan looked around, eyeing her sparsely filled apartment, decorated in IKEA furniture. Ethan stood awkwardly in the entryway, his eyes landing on Kate. “Do you want water? Or um—a snack maybe?” She hoped he wanted ice cream, because the only other thing she could offer was a slightly moldy head of lettuce. “No I’m fine,” Ethan hedged, burying his hands in his pockets. He looked at the floor and then back up at Kate, “I was hoping we could sit and maybe talk?” She lead him to an arm chair and sat across from him.

The air in the room was heavy. It’s not every day you are stuck in a room with your ex-boyfriend’s identical twin. Seeing Ethan’s face panged in Kate’s heart, she wanted desperately to see Grayson’s again. Ethan cleared his throat and leaned forward in the armchair. He exhaled softly before starting, “I wanted to talk to you about the Grayson thing. I don’t know how you’ve been dealing, but Grayson is a mess.” Ethan revealed, wondering where the line was drawn between being honest and depicting his twin as a pathetic, lovesick sack. “I don’t know how you’re feeling about him or what happened, but if you can – could you call him? Or talk to him? Give him maybe a little more closure than he has now?” Ethan’s voice was soft, and his eyes curved downward at the sides. His reverence and care for his brother filled the room in a gentle air.

Kate struggled to find words. She struggled to maintain eye contact with Ethan; looking at a creature so much like Grayson made her heart lurch whenever she focused on Ethan for too long. Her pupils bounced to the pile of dishes behind Ethan, to the traffic on the other side of the window, to her own feet, and then back to Ethan. Her mind went blank at the first time to talk about what happened out loud. Faithful to Grayson’s request, she hadn’t told her mom, her friends, or anyone really. For the past week, she had no one to comfort her. And now, Grayson’s brother sat in front of her, assuming she had already processed her emotions.

“I don’t know Ethan,” her voice stayed just above a whisper. “I don’t know what I can offer him.” She let out a breathy chuckle as she continued, “I almost feel like he should be giving me closure—if it’s ..ya know…case closed.” She shook her head, slumping her shoulders and letting her head fall between her knees. “I really like him Ethan,” she confessed, “I just don’t know if this whole…” she waved her hands in the air, waiting for a word to come to her, “—celebrity thing” she spoke it as if it was a curse word “is a world I want to be a part of.” She sat back against the armchair, holding her stare on the ground, “At least not the way he was handling it.”

“Grayson’s my partner: in everything we do. I would have never gotten this far without him, he’s the energy when we come together.” Ethan sat back against his own chair, his mind opening the flood gates for his words. “Our ideas, our projects, our pushes—those are all him. He constantly asks for us to be better, for me to be better. I owe so much of what we have to him, because I would have never been able to do it without him.” Kate’s heart lurched, remembering a similar conversation with Grayson about Ethan.

Ethan continued, “I was the one who was nervous about you in the beginning.” Kate’s head shot up from its slumped position, finally meeting Ethan’s gaze. Ethan swallowed and weighed his head before continuing, “I was concerned that you were maybe..I don’t know a gold digger? Or something like that and you were going to use him.” Kate’s eyebrows raised, staring at Ethan as if he had seven heads. “That was before I met you,” Ethan hedged “But I think I was the one who put the thought in Gray’s head to be extra careful about you two.”

“I didn’t know that,” Kate’s voice was just above a whisper. She wanted to melt into her armchair, disappearing from this scene. Her mind felt torn between blaming Ethan for Grayson’s behavior and decided that this was no excuse, Grayson was a grown man who made his own decisions. Kate’s eyes narrowed, trying to decipher her own thoughts. Ethan started again, “I just can’t stand thinking that I’m the reason for what Gray is feeling right now and—” Kate shook her quickly, “You’re not Ethan.” She leaned forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her knees and exhaling heavily. “I’m the reason for what your brother is feeling.” She opened her mouth, but feelings of confusion, guilt, and loneliness competed for the next word. Ethan beat her to it, “If you give him a chance, he won’t disappoint.” Ethan played with his fingers in his lap, looking up to meet her gaze, “My brother is a hopeless romantic who gets off on making the people he loves feel special.” Ethan shrugged and let go of his fingers.

A few moments later, Ethan stood from his armchair and thanked Kate for at least listening to him. She gave him a thin smile and nodded as he stepped toward the door. She closed the dead bolt behind him and stood there for a while. Her mind felt like a thousand horses were trying to pull her in different directions: toward Grayson, away from Grayson, into friendship with Grayson, back to Ethan with more questions. Her mind was a mess. She stepped back into her bedroom, finding that a dollop of melted ice cream has stained her sheets. She exhaled and threw her head back, cleaning her space begrudgingly.

She sat on the end of her stripped bed, phone in hand. Her hand felt heavy as her phone rang. Her heart beat throbbed into her temples. Her good leg shook softly against the edge of the bed. Her tongue went dry. “Hello?” His voice was so familiar. Her mind set off a fireworks show of internal curse words, her teeth nearly chattered in rhythm to the shiver down her spine. “Hey Gray,” she started without knowing where she wanted to finish, “I was hoping we could talk-but not like this—maybe we could pick a time or a place?” Her tongue felt like a brick, heavy and stiff against her lips that tried to remember to pass air through her lungs. “Y-yeah” Grayson’s tone wavered, trying to mask excitement and anxiety with something that sounded stable, “I’d like that.”

*******

“Thank you,” Kate smiled at her Uber driver as he pulled up the edge of the beach parking lot. She had considered walking to meet Grayson, but eventually decided that walking across LA, by herself, at 7PM was not a good idea. She left the car and started to fidget with the hem of her skirt, which was blowing in the ocean winds. The ocean breeze usually calmed her, but today it only ignited her flaming nerves even further. Her hair would not sit still, blowing in nearly every direction as she walked forward. She cursed to herself, not wanting to look like a mess to have this conversation with Grayson.

She stopped when she spotted him. He was waiting in his usual spot from when they met—his spot. He looked so elegant, his grand figure a silhouette against the sunset. Even in the shadows, his megawatt smile beamed at Kate. She bit her lip from across the beach, the hand on her purse clenched down. Every thought about the ocean breeze escaped her mind. Her knees shook slightly. How is it that one human being could elicit that kind of response out of another?

Kate’s hands cupped her face while her heart exploded, looking past Grayson for a moment. A few beach towels acted as a picnic blanket for a home made meal and a couple of Wakeheart candles. A stray napkin floated through the wind away from the setting. Two place settings were laying on the ground, ready for the two of them to sit together. Grayson grinned watching her face, hoping that maybe he could show her how serious he was about making her happy. Silently, he wished she would take her hands away from her face. Grayson desperately wanted to see her smile; his heart needed the confirmation that he was able to make her happy again.

The hands on her face were only one part of this scene teasing Grayson’s heart. The dark tendrils flying around her face called out to the day they met: making Grayson’s heart swell. The air around her was angelic, Grayson could make out the gold flecks in her brown eyes from where he stood. The sound of her voice as she approached him was like a song to him.

“Grayson—” hearing his name in her voice sent Grayson’s emotions into a romantic frenzy “—this is amazing.” She removed her hands from her mouth, revealing her kind smile and pink mouth. Grayson’s cheeks burned from grinning so hard, his happiness overtook any anxieties that had been clouding his mind. A deep part of his mind wondered if he had done enough practicing earlier, now that he was struggling for words. His elation took over any cerebral duties his mind would usually oversee, “I wanted to do something special for you, because you’re special to me.”

Grayson took her small, dainty, smooth hands in his large, rough, calloused ones. He squeezed her palms and looked down into her big, brown eyes. Kate bit her lip subtly, wondering how one man could be so many things at one time. Grayson took a breath before starting his semi-rehearsed speech. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry for hurting you, doing something to you that made you feel like I wasn’t proud of you. If anything, it’s the opposite. I’m so proud of you, the things you have preserved through in your life before you ever met me--..I don’t think I could do it.” Grayson gaped down at her, he swallowed while holding back sentences about her disability, career, and drive. “I just..I did something wrong. I should have been more open about who I am and what my life is like from the start. In truth, I didn’t think I had to me. I thought I was just a normal guy, who could meet a normal girl and have a great relationship.” He squeezed her palms warmly. “But I see now that maybe that’s not what this situation is. And to be honest, I don’t really know what that means. But I do know that you make my life better. You make my life so much better,” a stray tear sat on Grayson’s bottom lashes. His voice choked slightly, making Kate’s eyes widen as her entire expression softened. The sight of her garnered a stray tear on Grayson’s other lash line. “You make everything so much better. You make me think about what’s important, because so much of my life isn’t.” He made a noise that sounded like a sad chuckle, “I spend so much of my day worried about branding and images and posting schedules and comments—things that I barely have control over sometimes. But when I’m with you,” he squeezed her hands and pulled her in closer, “my life isn’t that. With you I’m happy, and I get to share simple things with you. I feel like someone is seeing me, for the first time in a long time, as just a guy.” One lone tear danced its way to his cheek while he finished, “I hate what I put you through, I hate how that other part of my life could have poisoned us…But I think we can make if you’re willing to talk things through with me because I want to keep you around for such a long time…I love you.”

Grayson’s heart felt like it was tiptoeing across a high wire above a pit of sharks. He felt like one word could change her answer. He gulped hard. Grayson Dolan had done many daring things in his life: blind folded sky diving, swimming with sharks,cliff jumping in foreign countries. And yet, no deed felt more daring than this. He admitted that his own life confused him, that the reality he thought existed was just his attempt at gripping onto normalcy: saying it out loud felt like a vice grip on his emotions.

Kate thumbed one of his hands gently in hers. She let go of one of his hands, causing Grayson’s mouth to gape slightly in fear. Grayson’s lips fell into a relaxed smile when she moved to cup his face in her hand, softly wiping at the ghostly trail left by the tear. She tried to find words, any words, but they weren’t coming. Her tongue was tied in a knot around her heart. Grayson instinctually moved his freehand around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He looked from her deep, bright eyes to her lips and back to her gorgeous gaze. Kate bit her lip, licking it softly before exhaling. Grayson drank in her sweet, citrus scent—only realizing now how comforting and soothing that scent had become for him.

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore boomed around them. Kate memorized his face in this moment, cherishing how the warm, sunset rays only illuminated his bronzed skin. The gold flecks in his eyes danced for her, begging for closure. His few freckles gave his face a boyish charm, decorating high cheek bones and a striking jawline.

A few grains of sand infiltrated Kate’s sandals, catalyzing a series of rough and jagged attacks on her soft skin. Kate’s mind raced in finding her next words, knowing that she could choose to give Grayson her whole heart or walk away from a future navigating the hurdles of his life. If it wasn’t for the pit growing in her heart, she would have chuckled at the irony of the moment. Here they were, almost embracing each other, almost crying for each other, almost surrendering themselves to each other: when just a few weeks earlier, they stood in that same spot as only a pair of kind strangers.