#health. socially. whether it be friends or family; i'm not enough. academically. n myself too.
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i didn't mean to ramble sm in tags, i meant to just say a bit but oh well i'll just continue n delete when i'm less busy 🥹
oh my god it's 9 am
#🌙.srb#yk having filipino (and by extent back then subjects that were taught in the language; social studies too technically it wld be called)#^ those two subjects pulled down my grade then. & now in hs filo is still my worst. imagine if they were taken away.#i would have definitely been highest honors back in middle school. the thought of it fucks me up#sigh i guess i just rlly needed to rant abt that a bit bcs i'm still sad about the. idk my school uses different grading system i think but#technically our filipino course this sem i got. somewhere between 80-89. i'd bet somewhere near the later end though#i'd be very much willing to bet that. in the math related stuff here i definitely got 95-100. n that one relating to tech stuff n perdev#english & philo & chem too. perhaps prac res wld've been around 94; this is speculation but i'm willing to bet around these numbers#but lmfao there's the one course in filipino n oh i'm not a stupid semestral awardee. as someone who's always achieved well#academically it. it broke me fr i was empty n crying n. that was last month a rlly bad time of my life in general#i overcame it the next day i had to. but there's rlly just this.. yh there's this emptiness in me#maybe my pride had to do w feeling so hurt. that semestral award wtvr is just a special award; highest honors is still possible#but i hate this. recently ever since the pandemic the critera has been so so very kind. honestly for me all the topics n lessons r so easy#it's just my motivation n energy to do all these like idk 20+ assignments they give every single fucking week that drain me#i haven't been doing well lately. honestly i haven't rlly been myself ever since the pandemic. i used to perform very well before#now i've been falling apart for quite a while now n i'm just distracting myself from my regrets n disappointment#it hurts even more when before i really did used to so well. so many contributors to me just feeling like a hollow husk of my old self#w my shortcomings i've managed to let myself be kinder to myself in a sense that. acads aren't everything.#but recently everything's just been so burdening bcs it feels like i'm lacking in just every single aspect.#health. socially. whether it be friends or family; i'm not enough. academically. n myself too.#it's all lacking n i don't feel like myself. it hurts n it's all i can do to distract myself to not drown in this negativity.#it's not like.. a few bad grades will stop me from idk getting into the top unis of my country. but every single grade matters#maybe it's my need for success. maybe i can be good at something for once. better. n maybe i want to make others n myself proud#fuck some shortcomings i know averagely my grades r still rlly good. & i know i'll write a good essay. n i've always been good w exams#but maybe.. what if i'm not as good as. my grades still say. what if when it comes to it i won't be good enough#what if i'm not the same & i'll struggle w the CETs. i know i'm the type to keep on improving n my ambition/determination is rlly deep but#what if i keep on making mistakes? what if i'm still not good enough? what if my regrets haunt me even more n i'm stuck in the past?#i want to move forward i want to reach out to the future but.. goddamn i'm stuck in such a dilemma n i'm just so stressed abt so much rn#pathetic but i don't think i do well alone. i can work well on my own but company from others rlly gives me sm support n comfort#it feels v foreign in a way like i don't Need this but. perhaps i've been denying my humanity more than i've realized for far too long
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