#healing and finding a hobby from the recesses of his memory

[desiredcrescent]

saw your tags on the 'inflexible honor code' post and now i'm obsessed please tell me everything about daeris...

Omg hiii heyy thank you for asking after my sweet man Daeris ❤️ Sorry i had to organise my thoughts a bit because it's like word soup in my brain fr if i said everything I'd be here for waaay too long,,,

but yeah to not ramble too long i made a paladin dark urge and wanted to see what'd happen next while putting my guy THROUGH it. and boy is it working overtime. The story is really writing itself which is pretty neat.

(some pics of my purple lad and an alt hair that has me a bit weak but hmm...)

This is Daeris, my half-drow Paladin!! Somewhere between the most gentle and giving soul you'll come across to a fault. He will do anything and everything for you, for it's all he knows (both pre start of game and after a few days of collecting his thoughts).

Upon awakening with no memories and a distant bloodlust, he swore an oath of Vengeance for those broken and murdered individuals he saw on the Nautiloid. He swore his oath to destroy those responsible.

Despite the lack of memories, The gaze of Ilmater is piercing as the god's teachings are pretty much scorched into Daeris' mind. Where did they come from? He's not sure, but this code is holding him together at his core. To lend aid wherever he can, to take upon the suffering of others, to place all others’ safety above his own, and find mercy for others in his heart is all but second nature as he feels watched by higher forces.

Something about the relatively normal-giving ideals of the church of Ilmater clashing with the violent desires of the oath of vengeance to create a destructive martyr, someone willing to sacrifice everything, his life and personhood included, to meet the needs of others and remove their suffering to the best of his abilities. He may not be much of a healer, but he can be a fighter, your sword to destroy those who perpetuate the suffering.

He stalked the Nautiloid completely beside himself, as he takes in the pain, trauma and grotesque scenes before him (accidentally turning someone into a mindflayer will stay with him teehee, but at least for this his god showed forgiveness), while also arousing his own bloodlust.

So he walks a tightrope: between his faith and his bloodlust.

Both seemingly instinctual, his devotion to Ilmater being a sign of years of worship (most definitely his foster parents’ doing, not that he remembers them), and his bloodlust stirring within him at the sight of viscera. His only resolve is to try and find the middle ground.

Once upon a time, in the mass of long lost memories, he swore an oath of devotion for everyone that couldn't fight for themselves in his city. The preservation of life and the protection of others being the core of his morals. His concept of mercy and forgiveness with more leeway, more space in his heart to offer himself to every person he comes across.

However now he fights for the blazing memory of all the suffering endured, to fight recklessly, until the job is done. To smite out the core, and hope that with the roots singed the suffering others share with him begins to lift.

but yeah sorry for the huge rambles there, I wrote so much (500+ words) and had to take so much out lmao (another like, 300)

[meetmeinttukseom]

First Love

Often you wondered what it feels like to be a boy. Specifically, you wanted to see how it is to fall in love as a boy. Would you be willing to sacrifice your time with your friends to spend time with her? Would you make the effort to make her laugh? Would you listen to all emotional rants and lend her a shoulder to cry on? Would you always be there for her?

Because that was what you were expecting from your boyfriend but I guess that's not how it works.

First time you saw Yoongi, it was when you glanced up from your biology notebook during homeroom. You didn't know why but you couldn't stop staring at him. His pale skin, tousled dark hair made him look incredibly gentle, soft, almost like a snoozing cat. But his dark eyes and stoic face created this cold, intimidating exterior that often intimidated other people. You didn't know what sparked this overwhelming curiosity you had for him. Was it his quiet personality or his soft features, you couldn't seem to figure it out. But one thing you’re sure of is that you loved him at first sight.

As much as having a relationship with Yoongi made you happy, it also gave you a taste of what it felt like to have your heart shredded to pieces, your feelings numb. What it feels like to cry in bed all day, not ever wanting to leave your dark, enclosed room.

This a story of heartbreak, not a love story. Because first love was never meant to work out anyways.

//

First heartbreak

As you are sitting on a park's bench, tears start to well up in your eyes. You can't seem to hide the deep sting inside your chest anymore. It suffocated you. So you relieve the pain by crying while the question in your head keeps repeating and repeating itself,

"How could you do this to me?"

Both of you almost never fought at all. You and Min Yoongi are the understanding, open-minded kind of person so you both had always managed to compromise on each other's opinion. Besides with a whole year of dating behind your back, you are pretty confident of this relationship with Yoongi.

But things weren't as smooth.

You smiled to your boyfriend, Yoongi who is approaching the school gate as you both have arrived at school around the same time.

"Good morning babe, did you sleep well?" Yoongi asked as he slung his arm over your shoulder.

You looped your arm around his waist and nodded, burying your head to his sweater that smells like detergent and minty soap.

"How about you?" you asked.

"I slept well because I feel asleep thinking about you," it's been a year since you both started darting yet he could still make your heart uncontrollably flutter.

At his cheesy remark, you rolled your eyes and said, ”Please, I think it's too early for your pick-up lines Min Yoongi."

Both of you went your seperate ways to your respective classes as you are a science student while he's doing arts. Despite the difference in your hobbies and interests, you and Yoongi have always managed to find something in common. Like the tendency to fall asleep anywhere, anytime and the love for coffee. Anyhow, it felt like a really good week until Yoongi started to spend less and less time with you. At first, you brushed it off thinking he was busy with a new studio project. However you soon found out that he became friends with a pretty female student who’s an art student as well. They must've been really great friends because they started to spend more time together while you were left out in the library, studying phospholipid bilayers on your own.

But you trusted your boyfriend and you weren't planning on giving him up that easily. So you decided to bring a packed-lunch and visit the school’s studio during recess. You had to wake up extra early to make egg rolls and reheat the chicken you cooked last night, you didn't forget to pack rice and side dishes as well. As you walked along the corridor, thinking how much he would appreciate your homemade lunch, has put a smile on your face.

You opened the studio door expecting Yoongi to be in the middle of composing but he was sharing the piano bench with another girl, completely engrossed in kissing. You couldn't help but to stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed from the sight. The girl has her arms looped around Yoongi's neck, sitting right next to Yoongi who rested his hands around the girl's thin waist. You didn't realize that you were crying until a tear slashed onto your cheek. You quickly wiped it away and quietly closed the door, hoping they didn't notice you as you ran out of school and to the nearest park. That was how you ended up sitting alone on an empty bench outside of school during recess.

For the first time in your life, you skipped class and spent a whole hour crying helplessly into your hands. You didn't know that it would hurt this bad to be cheated on, to be the second option. As much as you tried to silence your thoughts in order to stop crying, you can't help but to question how long has this been going on, does he love her, does she love him, does she know he has a girlfriend, does he not love you anymore. But beneath all your jumbled thoughts and tear-stained cheeks, you know there's only one question that really matters. Are you going to forgive him? You were going to answer yes because it would hurt too much to lose someone who you trusted enough to own a great portion of your heart. It would be too difficult to forget the endless conversations you had together, sitting cross-legged on top of the school's rooftop. It would be too painful to erase the quick kisses you both shared in the basketball court when no one watching. You wanted to forgive him more than anything.

However the thorn that had settled into your heart told you otherwise. It made you realize that as much as you love the boy that is Min Yoongi, you can never return to the arms held another girl and kiss the lips that was laid on someone else.

//

Moving On

It's been 2 years since you graduated from high school. Since the day you saw your ex-boyfriend Min Yoongi kissing another girl in the school’s studio. You managed to avoid him every chance possible. You couldn't even look at him in the eyes anymore without feeling like your heart was being ripped to shreds.

You did well on your finals and managed to enter one of the big universities in the city so you decided move out from your family home and live in the city. A fresh start was your main goal anyways. You successfully made a lot of new friends in university but you didn't date anyone. Every time someone tried confessing to you, your stomach would churn in anxiety and you’d immediately reject them. It’s just you couldn’t stand at the thought of being hurt all over again. No matter how hard you try, you couldn’t forget about Yoongi and the thorn that has nestled deep in your heart.

-

You were on your way to an internship company building. It was a travel agency and you wore a pretty lime dress in attempt to give a good first impression. As you were waiting for the crosswalk light to turn green so you glanced around to observe the people around you. Your breath hitched when you spotted a familiar figure on the other end of the crosswalk. He was wearing a black shirt with black ripped jeans. His pale skin glowed under the sunlight and his messy dark hair was blown over by the wind. He had his hands in his pockets as he kept his head down to the sidewalk. When you caught a glimpse of his face, you immediately recognized those pursed lips and dark eyes. It was none other than Min Yoongi.

The sight of him gave you a brief flashback of the pain and agony you felt years ago. The wound you fought so hard to heal sprung fresh in your heart, as if everything had just happened yesterday. If not worst you seemed to remember down to the smallest details, his chapped lips on her glossed ones, their arms around each other on the brown piano bench. Both of their eyes closed, completely engrossed in each other's presence. After all these years you've convinced yourself that you're over it. Now you realized no matter how much chocolate you stuffed in your mouth or the hot showers you took, it couldn't wash away the painful memories of your first love because it still hurts.

Your eyes started to glisten and when you woke up from your thoughts, he was staring back at you. But this time, he had his arm looped around the waist of girl you saw him kissing with in the studio room. Instinctively you quickly glanced away and pretended you didn't see anything. The light soon turned green and you did your best to cross the street nonchalantly, despite the fact that your legs felt like they were about to collapse. You knew he was crossing the crosswalk as well and you could feel the weight of his gaze on you.

You belatedly realize that he has moved on, with the girl he cheated you on. You felt stupid for thinking about so many 'what ifs' if you had forgiven him. But you are now forced jolt back into reality. You silently promise to never cry for him ever again. And now that he has moved on, you're going to be moving on as well. You were more than ready. So you pulled out your phone and casted a phone call to one of your best friends.

"Hey, about that blind date with the guy from the dance club,"

"Yes?" your bestfriend squeaked.

"I changed my mind. I'm in."

She gasped at your unusual response, ”A-are you sure? What changed your mind y/n?”

You paused, "Just a guy I saw on the crosswalk today."

//

First conversation after moving on

It's been a year since you moved on and dated the guy you met at the dance club. The guy happens to be a caring, reliable person called Jimin. His fluffy blonde hair, deep dark eyes and enchanting smile captured your heart rather instantly. Not to mention, his dependable traits took care of you so well. He managed to protect and be there for you every time you needed him. Jimin is undoubtedly the perfect boyfriend. But at the back of your mind lies the hurtful memories of your first love. Sometimes when the pain of those memories came rushing back and the throbbing in your chest makes it difficult to breathe, you couldn't help but to question as to when will the pain and memories ever subside.

-

One day, you went out to buy groceries at a nearby supermarket. The weather was slightly chilly so you wore the blue beanie Jimin had bought for you during one of your dates. You pulled out your phone and dialed a number, it wasn't long until the person on the other end of the line answered.

"Hey," you called.

"Yeah, what's up," Jimin replied.

"I'm at the grocery store right now," you entered the supermarket and took one of the baskets on your hand, "Do you need anything?"

Jimin chuckled, "I thought I'm in charge for buying the groceries this week."

"Well, you owe me," you scanned through the instant noodle section, looking for that spicy-cheese ramyeon Jimin loves.

After finding all the dinner ingredients Jimin requested and the house supplies you needed, you walked through the alcohol and wine section to get to the cashier. On the way, you decided to buy some white wine for you and Jimin. You didn’t realize the figure that was choosing a bottle of vodka next to you. As you put your chosen bottle of wine inside of the basket, you faced left and found a familiar pale-skinned male standing next to you. You didn't recognize him at first because of the tattoos on his arm, the flashy pierced earrings and the hair messily swept to the side. It was until for a whole minute that you realized it was Yoongi. Your eyes automatically widened and you were about to silently leave when Yoongi faced you and the both of you had eye-contact. Standing face to face, the both of you were a great contrast. You dressed prim and proper in blue jeans, white shirt, a cardigan and boots with a beanie on your head. Yoongi on the other hand, wore overly ripped jeans, thin faded-black t-shirt with a leather jacket tied over his hips. A range of colorful tattoos splayed over his right arm while his left remained clean. The both of you spent a minute observing each other awkwardly until Yoongi asked, "How have you been doing?"

You gulped before replying, "Great, you?"

Yoongi didn't answer and had his gaze fixated on the floor.

You mustered up courage to ask, “You doing well with that dancer girl?"

He still didn't answer and you thought perhaps it's best if you don't find out. Besides, you have Jimin now, Yoongi's life is none of your business.

You faked a smile and motioned to the cashier, "I better get going. Live well."

You were about to leave when Yoongi said, "I'm sorry."

The words you longed for years and years. The apology you demanded from him was finally given to you. For a moment you were stunned, waves of relief washed over you. But a small voice in your head whispered, it’s way too late. As you turned your heels to face him, you froze when you heard loud high-heel footsteps coming near.

"Baby, what took you so long to get the vodka?" The high-pitched voice signifies none other than the dancer girl's presence. Seems like Yoongi still dates the girl he cheated you on with afterall. Perhaps, she was his true love.

Despite the noticeable change in your appearance from high-school, the dancer girl noticed you and immediately recognized you. She flashed a smirk and arrogantly held Yoongi's hand in front of you. Surprisingly Yoongi's face turned to an irritated expression at her overly display of affection.

She then said, "It's like a mini high school reunion here."

You stayed silent, holding yourself back from slapping the arrogance off the dancer girl's face. You flashed a fake smile and tried leaving the scene before it gets any worst.

When you were leaving the dancer girl piped up, "Remember that Yoongi picked me over you, you flashy nerd."

It felt like the knife that had been lodged in your heart got pushed even deeper.

You could've marched your way back and punch the dancer girl in the face. You could've retaliated her childish mockery. You could've created a huge scene at the supermarket and made people call the cops. But you didn't. Because you're over it. Yoongi was and used to own a great portion of your heart but as years gone by and you've grown mature, those feelings have faded away. You've started a whole new life from high school and moreover you've succeeded as a top university student. Not to mention, a stable, happy relationship with Jimin. Out of all boys, why would you return to the same person who cheated on you? Who hurt you and ripped your heart to pieces? Yoongi is a part of your past that you're more than ready to let go.

-

After checking out all of your groceries, you stepped outside and called an Uber. Soon you arrived in Jimin's apartment to drop off the dinner ingredients so he can start making dinner for the both of you. Jimin opened the door for you and flashed a warm smile, swiftly taking the heavy plastic bags from your hand.

"Ready for pizza night?" Jimin excitedly chimed.

You were still on a daze after what happened in the supermarket so you didn't reply his question. He seemed to notice your unusual attitude and proceeded to sit next to you on the couch after placing the bags on the kitchen counter.

"Is there something wrong?" He flashed a worried look on you and held your hand.

Even though you were ready to let Yoongi go and forget him, it wasn't easy. Meeting Yoongi and the girl he cheated you on with, made all the memories and pain come flooding back. So instead of replying Jimin's question you bursted into tears and despite being surprised, he immediately engulfed you into a warm hug.

After you calmed down, you decided to tell Jimin the whole story, the truth. You were going to keep it a secret your whole life but it's now time to talk it out.

So you took a deep breath and said, ”Have I told you about how I lost my first love?"

Author’s note: yoongi angst coming to you !! my first published story, gosh i’m so nervous! i hope you like it!