#he's my little squeaky smore

[operation-penguin]

i was convinced this was about mort for like a good 8 seconds

[twoforonewriting-blog]

Villain Wanted

“Villain Wanted!

Location: Anywhere.

Hours: Full Time - Hours flexible

Starting Date: Immediately

Pay: Success-based income

Your Role: You will be performing the role of a villain. This may include any of the following:

Trying to take over the world

Trying to destroy the world

Trying to steal something very significant (landmark, the british crown, etc)

Trying to become very rich and infamous for being evil

Previous experience is not necessary but would be helpful in such areas as the following:

Stealing candy from a baby

Kicking puppies

Bursting children’s balloons

Drinking the last of the milk but leaving the carton in the fridge anyway

Will need to bring own lunch and own minions. “

Carella the Mightiest Crystal Blade lowered the newspaper and glared at me.

“Seriously?” She growled. “Kicking puppies? Not even the dark Lord Archibald did that. Or the white Prince Villem. Or Arceolus Mirroreyes. None of them. This is why they keep quitting on you, you know.”

I was pretty sure her icy glare was freezing my fingers to the pen. Any moment now icicles would start growing out of my ears now. Nonchalantly I lifted my gaze to the ceiling and twirled in my black leather office chair. It was old and squeaky and didn’t really turn well anymore. The leather was also starting to reveal the brownish underneath, whatever that actually was.

Hm. Maybe I should do some research on that. Could be an interesting fact to include in my next story, you know, as a side piece of information that makes people go: Huh! I never knew that!

“Hello? Nina? Are you even listening?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, of course I am, sorry!”

“This. Is. Ridiculous.”

She slapped the newspaper with every word. The last time she slapped a little too hard, and it fell to the floor. I suppressed a grin.

“Don’t you dare laugh.”

“I would never!”

I tried to play it off, but I was actually beginning to feel my throat tighten. Her eyes had gone from snowstorm to volcano and I was afraid it might erupt any moment now, and do away with me as Vesuvius had done with Pompeii…

I was looking at my add in the newspaper, but I could still feel her gaze on me. Was that my hair I smelt smoring?

I sniffed experimentally and patted down the crown of my head just to be safe. I hadn’t written Carella with laser eyes, had I?

But no, my hair wasn’t on fire. But something was. Panicked I realised as I stared at Carella who was pursing her lips at me in disapproval.

“I think you might want to get take out,” she suggested. “And a new dress. The one over there,” she nodded over to the smoking ironing board. “Might not be socially acceptable any more.”

No sooner had she stopped speaking that the fire alarm went off.

“Why didn’t you warn me sooner?” I yelled as I raced towards the destroyed dress  to salvage the remains from the iron, which I had forgotten about when Carella had come in to reproach me.

I threw it out on the balcony where I left it smoldering, so I could sort out my charcoal pizza that was creating a dark, grey cloud in the kitchen. The pizza soon joined the dress outside, as I proceeded to open any and all windows, doors and suchlike I could find, and turned on my electric fan so the room could air out and the fire alarm stop.

I almost didn’t notice when it did stop, because my ears kept ringing for the next 5 minutes.

“Thanks for your help,” I groaned, probably a lot louder than I realised, as I let myself fall back into my chair. “Some heroine you are.”

Carella smirked self-satisfied.

“I can’t be a hero when there is no villain,” she corrected me. “And your last one just quit.”

“Why do you keep reminding me?” I whined. “Did I write you to be so obnoxious?”

“Yes,” she said. “And if you wrote better villains, they might not keep leaving to become pig farmers, or be thrown from cliffs by annoyed villagers.”

“Hey, Karthis Necrum became a connoisseur of Acid spitting dragon boars, that’s totally an acceptable villain profession!”

Carella sighed.

“Not when he loves them too dearly to set them on anyone.”

“So why won’t the add work?” I decided to change the subject back to my second least favourite subject of the day.

“Because you’re asking someone who hasn’t been open about their evil side to basically come out and say: ‘ Hi, I’m the most vile person around and I’m planning all these horrible things. ‘ No sensible person would do that.”

She hesitated for a moment.

“Then again, I didn’t think there was anyone dumb enough to burn both a piece of clothing and their dinner at the same time, so maybe there’s someone out there for you after all, kiddo!”

Scratch that. The add was now only my third least favourite subject.

“I was gonna write them into your story…” I grumbled. “They wouldn’t have to deal with anyone but you there…”

Carella snorted.

“No one who would answer to that ad of yours would last even five minutes against me!”

The door bell kept me from responding. A grin widened on my face as realisation dawned on hers.

I asked, challenging.

“Why don’t we find out?”

Nina

[iheartsurveys]

94

What’s your favorite cereal? None I hate cereal Is there a bus stop near your house? The grade school bus stop is around the corner but otherwise, no Do you prefer red wine or white wine? White, though I do love me some red moscato. But I definitely drink more of a variety of white What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there? Dulles, dropping off my stepdad's mom and boyfriend like the helpful little gal I am Who do you live with? Mom and stepdad and the pets Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? Nah not regularly. Every once in a while if I google something and it takes me to Reddit I'll read that but I don't go out of my way to read it Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? No What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It snowed about an inch this morning and then it was chilly the rest of the day. I went out to scrape off the car but had to bundle since the high was like 20 something. Then on Friday its going to be in the 60s....oh Virginia weather. Oh global warming. Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently? Stepsister had baby #3 a few days ago Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down? No What does your last text message say and who is from? Nite, from my mother, one room away from me. She had to vent real quick lol Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film? Not an extreme amount for it being my favorite movie. Maybe 4 or 5? When was the last time you ate marshmallows? I never eat them on their own. Probably had a smore sometime over the summer Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? Nah not really. Sophomore of college my roomie and I got into nightvale but then we kinda fell off the wagon. How old will you be in the year 2030? 36...... Wow. 2030 sounds like a while away so I won't get too worried just yet. But also damn. Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from? Yes anytime I accidentally bang into things I'll get a bruise. Or if the dogs stand on me which Daisy loves to do because she has no concept of personal space and just sits/stands in my lap. And she's not even small like she's a decently sized lab. Dogs are funny. Buuuut I don't have any currently actually, at least not that I know of What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on? Loans woo Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions? Open-ended, for surveys at least What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy? My parents buy Scott and have forever but when I lived by campus I think I bought charmin If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed? Not wearing pants so no, not a good look for answering the door to a stranger, or anyone at all really lol Why did you leave your last job? At first I was just going to do it in the summer but then I tried to maintain it while doing my last year of college and I only lasted about 2 months until I decided I couldn't do both and school/having time to study/just time to myself was more important than a job that was just to fill the time/make some extra money What colour were the last socks you wore? Blue green and pink Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study? Just graduated, I have a BS in criminology Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? No What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? The text from my mom What’s your favourite scent of air freshener? I use candles more than I use air fresheners... I buy my candles based off the seasons/what I like at bath and body. I like fruity/floral scents but like not too too sweet. Like I'll never buy sugar cookie or anything like that How many weddings have you ever been to? At least 4... I haven't been to a wedding in like 10 years. I have a bunch of older cousins so that's where most came from. Oh jk 5 my mom got remarried duh Do you know anyone named Nora? No Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? Definitely could use a pedi though I hate going to the nail salon. And my nails could be repainted When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Christmas Eve we played scrabble How old were you when you first became sexually active? 18 Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol? Yessss I've been to a cider fest which was awesome. And then another festival that had a mix of beer cider and wine Do you own a record player and/or vinyls? Nooo I wanted a record player for Christmas but then I rethought it because I don't really have room for it currently, so maybe some day when I have my own place/feel like spending money on that When was the last time you went out for drinks? Like two weeks ago Have you ever been to a strip club? No Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? I know a Faith and a Grace Would you ever wear real authentic leather? I have a leather purse from Italy so yes Have you taken out the trash today? No How often do you wear make-up? I don't really have a schedule for wearing makeup. I'll wear it if I'm going out or doing something fun with friends where I know we'll take pictures. And I'll wear it to work. But a lot of times at home I don't, even if we go out to dinner or run errands or something I don't. And yet my skin is still kinda meh, go figure What’s your opinion on The Simpsons? Never really watched it Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes? Horizontal Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? Yes If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving? Nope I like to drive tbh Have you ever done a juice cleanse? Nah not for me Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not? Omg what a weird and kinda mean thing to think about friends...wondering if they're attractive or not like wtf who does that. No Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out? It could probably use a clean out When was the last time you washed the dishes? Earlier today Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis? We just started getting hgtv magazine which comes monthly so that Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? No What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache? I swear I never get regular headaches anymore they're almost always migraines. I take medicine daily for migraines but I also have medicine to take when I get one because Advil/excedrin doesn't do shit for me Tell me about your responsibilities at work. Ask me laterrrrr Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? We live a little ways off a main road, sometimes if people drive like assholes and speed or if an ambulance goes by on the main road you can hear it here. We're in a cul-de-sac so there's no real traffic on our road, but what is annoying is the guy diagonally across the street has a motorcycle and its loud and obnoxious Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese? I have not. I've even been to Canada but we didn't get poutine Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers? They're decent. They definitely ask me for assistance with things How old are your parents, anyway? Both 51. And my stepdad is like 49 I wanna say Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them? Allergies. I'll take an Allegra or something if they're really bad but I mainly just deal What song is stuck in your head at the moment? This is mildly embarrassing...So you know the episode of spongebob where he has the pet jellyfish that likes to dance and then the speakers get fucked up after some things happen so all the jellyfish are pissed and then Gary starts hitting his eyeballs together and then they make a song out of random sounds? That song of random sounds is stuck in my head lolololllll. Since today was snowy and blah I napped and my fav thing to nap to is spongebob and that episode was on and yeah. It's stuck in my head What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name? My work has different divisions and teams and I'm not sure yet what specific team I'll be on so tbd When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? When I worked at a restaurant early in college we wore black shirts jeans and black shoes. Or a red shirt if I was hosting Did you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after? No and no Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size? Maybe? Idk I don't wear a lot of dresses. I've dropped pant sizes so maybe I'm not sure What’s your favourite kind of bread? Every kind I love bread When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get? We had pizza a few days ago, just cheese Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version? I don't actually What was the last thing you said out loud? Goodnight You have to choose one: cats or dogs? Dogs How do you travel to and from work? I'll be driving Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? Card because I don't carry cash unless I got some for a holiday. Or sometimes I'll take out a 20 for when I go out Have you ever been to a stadium concert? Yes, the last two times I saw one direction were at stadiums. And I've seen a bunch of other artists at indoor arena/stadium things like Ed Sheeran, fall out boy, backstreet boys, etc