#he's my best friend and my enemy dawg it's that easy

[deliciousobservationbird]

Of all the random headcanons I have I think the funniest is that after being away from Hermitcraft for so long, Welsknight wakes up in inactivity-limbo and Vort3xdragon is just there.

Wels is all 'this is Not season 9. Hmmmm' and just gets a heart attack from hearing 'Yo, wassup dawg' in the world's most chill teenager drawl ever. I think Vort3x would occasionally trauma dump late at limbo-night but Wels couldn't ever figure out if he was fucking with him or not. Wels brings up Moon Big and Vort3x is completely nonplussed "Huh, cool story bro. How did you use it in your trap?" and Wels is just going ??? where did he get trapping and killing from 'Moon Big'?

[deathmetalangel]

yoo whats up, i got an idea for a request.

fuckshit from mid90s x male reader if ur good with that,

was thinking it could be somewhere along the lines of enemies to lovers, and they could be all competitive and in envy of each other at first but are like actually lustful and and end up together? like reader is from a different skater friend group that owns another skate shop in town and yeah thanks dude

FUCK, SHIT MD! (FUCKSHIT X M!READER)

warnings: swearing, enemies to lovers, mention of homophobia, underage drinking, smoking, partying, sexual innuendos, i actually really like this

they say they really hate each other, but everyone seems to doubt that

It was another day in the very busy city of Los Angeles. Summer break had made the local teens run rampant through the streets. Especially the ones that lived downtown with no way to get around and nothing to do besides skating.

The two local skate shops were ran and acted as home to two opposing or rival skater groups. The Motor Avenue boys were chill and easygoing compared to the hard nosed Xtreme teens. The oldest of the group was the tallest and most intimidating. A man of few words the seventeen year old was ‘lovingly’ nicknamed Myers. He never complained though.

“Myers where the fuck were you? We literally agreed to meet ten minutes ago.” The second oldest boy, MD, starts to nag.

“Yo, shut the fuck up. Hop off my dick MD. I was only ten minutes late. It isn’t like some Big Brother scouts are gonna see you or something in the ten minutes I missed.”

The three younger boys watch the two fight. They were used to it and didn’t care as much as MD did about time restraints. “Can we just skate? Sheesh. Everything doesn’t gotta be a fucking issue. Especially when a guy who’s government is so embarrassing he nicknamed himself after Molly wants to act tough.” MD turns back towards the sloppy boy.

Red doesn’t even get any amusement from how pissed the guy was. He just wanted to skate. “You know what Red how about-” The youngest kid, a newly fourteen year old, shushes his older brother.

“You’re embarrassing me. Just get your board MD. I wanna skate this pool, plus you promised you’d teach me to drop in.” The h/c haired boy sighs and grabs his skateboard. The two go off ahead of their friends, but stop before they fully get to the empty pool.

“Shit.”

Myers and the two other guys walk over to see what stalled the pair when they see them. The Motor boys. “Son of a bitch. Who told those losers we found this place?” All eyes land on the other group of skaters.

“N****, who you calling a fucking loser? Look at yourself.” The very well known Fuckshit shouts out from the other side of the bowl. MD huffs before dropping his board.

"Loser? I'll beat your ass right here right now you wannabe hood rat! I’ll pull your head out of your fucking ass while I’m at it!" Both boys start to make their way to one another when Myers pulls his friend back.

MD glares at the taller boy who was making a fool out of him. "Nah we can't let them talk shit, they're lame ass wannabes Myers. Don't go sticking up for them now. No wonder Ash broke up with your pussy ass."

"Leave her out of this. I'm just stopping you from doing something stupid." MD tries to break free. but ultimately fails. He shouts at Myers, who doesn't even respond.

Myers eventually lets him down and walks over to the other side of the bowl to talk it out. "Yo Ray MD didn't mean no disrespect, but we found this spot first. MD is just pissed because he was the one who found it."

MD steps to Fuckshit. "Damn right I found it." The two begin to square each other up. Seeing who would win in a fight before actually fighting. Y/n would be damned if he let this guy get the best of him.

“Take it easy dawg. We can share the bowl. This shit is huge anyways.” Red negotiates the deal with the two parties. Ray shrugs and turns to his crew. They seemed to be fine with it, only Fuckshit had a problem. And his problem was y/n.

Soon enough both crews start to skate and show off their best tricks while trying to land new ones, but the whole time y/n and Fuckshit are attempting to one up each other. Fuckshit lands a simple ollie, y/n has to land a 360 flip. They just kept going back and forth even though the rest of the guys were chilling.

It starts to get dark fast. Summer days lasted long, but the nights lasted longer. “Yo my bitch invited me to a party, she said her private school friends are gonna be there. You know how Catholic school girls are, such fucking sluts!” The suggestion belonged to the youngest, about 15 years old, the infamous Brick. Why he was called Brick, he once beat a kid with a brick. Said it was ‘on accident’.

“Yo Myers can you drive us?” Red turns to the boy who just got out of the bowl. He just nods and picks up his board. Red wants to just pick up and leave, but he turns back towards the Motor guys. "Hey you foo's wanna hit up the function?" Y/n whips around almost angry at the suggestion.

Fuckshit turns to Ray who shrugs. The boy sees how pissed off y/n was and chuckles under his breath. "Fo sho. What's the addy?" Red writes down the address on some random piece of paper he had for some reason and both squads head on their way.

All of the Xtreme kids pile into Myers minivan, yeah he borrowed his moms car. "I don't know why you had to invite those losers Red, they're fucking buzzkills."

"You're just mad cause your gay as wants to fuck on Fuckshit or sum, pop a fucking xan and relax dude. You're looking hella weird with how much you be obsessed with the n****."

The rest of the car ride was boring, well to MD. Y/n thought staring angrily out the window was better than talking to his friends until they got to the house. That and he was contemplating what Red had said earlier, was he really that obsessed with the blond? No way, it was just a rivalry like Myers and Ray, but Myers and Ray didn't constantly look at each other from the opposite side of the skatepark.

Y/n had bigger problems to deal with when he was smack dab in the middle of a blaring party with a hoe on his right and a 40 in his left hand. "Shit ma you know I ain't about this shit." The girl was already getting annoyed at him. After ten minutes of her trying to get his attention y/n just stood there like a statue. His eyes not once wavering and glancing at the scantily dressed girl.

"Ugh you're fucking gay or something. I mean who could resist all this." She motions down her body with a smirk. Her hips sway like she's still trying to get at him.

Y/n makes a face, he wasn't exactly interested in the girl who the guys called chlamydia girl. "Anyone with standards that doesn't think with their std infected dick could." Her face turns bright red and she's livid, but he just decides to dip before she yaps his ear off. That girl was weird.

He was already buzzed when he made it outside. All of his friends were inside, but he needed a break from that shit. Y/n sits down on the bottom step, shivering slightly when the cold concrete touches his back through his tee and undershirt. Ignoring the sounds around him he lights the blunt he rolled before he left his house. His nerves steady as he starts to inhale the smoke.

"Can I get a hit of that?" Y/n looks up at Fuckshit who was taking a seat next to him. Y/n shrugs and passes the blunt to him. "You know you talk a lot of shit for someone who skates like shit." He chuckles while blowing out smoke.

Y/n turns to look at him. "Yeah and the bitches say you fuck like shit so who's really the loser?"

"You really are fucking annoying ain't you? Always got something smart to say."

"You're the one who started throwing jabs while hitting my blunt, weed isn't cheap. Well, my strain isn't."

"Damn homie thinks he's bougie cause he smokes fancy ass weed. Just shut up man you look better with your mouth shut." Fuckshit was obviously already on something, you couldn't force half of this shit out of him normally.

Y/n didn't really know what to say. "What you wanna fuck me or something man?" It was mostly meant as a joke and the rest meant to test the waters. They were supposed to hate each other, but now it was hard to tell where they stood.

Fuckshit hits the blunt again. "What if I do? Ain't no shame in my game n****, cause you be eye banging me all the damn time."

"I don't eye bang you fucker." Y/n gets in his face slightly embarrassed at the insinuation. Fuckshit just laughs and blows smoke into his face.

"Sure you don't MD. It's aight tho, I know I'm sexy."

"You know if you weren't such an asshole you'd be cuter."

"Nah you like me cause I am an asshole don't you? Ha look at you getting all nervous n shit. I make you nervous? Can't believe how little it takes to get the big bad MD nervous."

Y/n presses forward instinctively. His lips pressing against Fuckshit's to stop the onslaught of teases. "Fuck shit," The blond mumbles slightly when they pull apart.

"Come on, ain't no way you're driving home. I'll let you crash at my place. Give me your keys I'll give them to Ray then well walk to my crib." Y/n grabs the boy who had already smoked the whole blunt, selfish bastard.

"Can I get head?"

"Shut the fuck up."

[orangeoctopi7]

Every Little Past Frustration

: Part 1 : Part 2 : Part 3 : Part 4 :

Bill watched through the eyes of a hundred eye-bats as the truck carrying his quarry barreled down the wooded back roads of Gravity Falls. The flock was closing in, despite Sixer's erratic blaster fire and manic driving. Of course, just as soon as it looked like Bill’s victory was in the bag, the Mystery Shack came into view on the horizon through the trees. The demonic triangle growled with rage and willed the flock to fly faster. He was not letting his bargaining chip get away! 

The cloud of eye bats descended on the truck. Maybe Bill’s luck was changing. The idiots had just left Four-Eyes lying in the truck bed unprotected. Bill didn’t know much about humans and the protection laws they used to try and keep themselves alive a little longer, but he was pretty sure that was a stupid thing to do even if you didn’t have otherworldly forces chasing after you.

Unfortunately, the eye-bats weren’t strong enough to turn someone to stone yet. They still hadn’t absorbed enough of the Nightmare Realm’s power. But they did have this nifty tractor beam ability, which came in handy since they didn’t have any hands or claws to speak of. A few of the eye-bats got in close enough to start lifting the scruffy hillbilly out of the back of the truck. He started thrashing and yowling in panic. 

“I TOLD YOU, YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL I GET WHAT I WANT!” Bill crowed triumphantly. True, since he was back in the Nightmare Realm instead of possessing that time traveling loser, the only one who could hear him was Four-Eyes, but it wasn’t any fun if Bill couldn’t brag to someone.

“!Votmzrig ivskrx oory! Taht rebmemer ot tnaw t’nod I! Niaga ti ees ot tnaw t’nod I! Gnimoc si mlaer eramthgin eht…” McGucket howled.

Of course, every time Bill spoke directly to Fiddleford’s mind, the nerd had to go and be a drama queen about it! It was honestly the main reason the demon had continued tormenting the guy over the years. It wasn’t like Bill got anything out of it, he couldn’t possess the old coot or coerce him into helping the rift along. It was just hilarious to see how he reacted. Some mortals and the Nightmare Realm just didn’t mix.

Four-Eyes’s clamoring got the attention of the rescue team sitting in the truck cab. Shooting Star fired her grappling hook out the back window and snagged onto the old inventor’s overalls. Meanwhile, Sixer leaned almost half-way out the driver’s side window, blasting down the eye-bats that had been carrying off his friend; Question Mark struggled to keep them on the road while the driver was otherwise occupied.

Bill roared with volcanic rage as the truck veered around the corner, into the long driveway leading up to the Mystery Shack. They were almost to the barrier! He was not going to lose this bargaining chip, not after everything else that had gone wrong over the past few days.

The remaining eye-bats clustered around the open windows, trying to squeeze inside and block the view of the road. The truck careened through a few advertising signs, but stayed on course for the Mystery Shack. Maybe, if he blocked their view long enough, he could make them crash into the wall of the Shack and break the line of unicorn hair, disabling the shield spell.

But luck was not with Bill this week. The breaks squealed, and the truck skidded to a stop just inches away from the gift shop entrance. Sixer threw his door open and laid down some blaster fire to cover Shooting Star and Question Mark as they carried Four-Eyes inside. They were within the barrier.

“GGGGRAAAAAH! COME ON!” Bill conjured a glass just to throw it at the wall in frustration. “WHAT IS WITH THIS TIMELINE!? DECADES OF PLANNING, AND IT’S JUST ALL THROWN OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE WHAT? PINETREE AND SHOOTING STAR ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!? EUGCH!” 

“DiD tHeY gEt AwAy, BoSs?” Hectorgon asked, noticing his boss’ temper tantrum.

“THE ONLY REASON THEY GOT AWAY IS BECAUSE I’M STUCK WORKING WITH SUB-PAR LACKEYS!!” Bill steamed. Hectorgon took the hint, scurrying away.

It really was a shame that good pawns were so hard to come by in Gravity Falls. Since the original plan of taking the rift from Shooting Star didn’t pan out, Bill had to start improvising. And hey, he was an ageless being of pure energy. He could do that. But the mortals available to him in Gravity Falls were just so lame!

Wendy, the Cool Girl, had seemed promising. She was smart and strong, and best of all, the Pines trusted her. Unfortunately she was a little too smart. Bill had known convincing her to smash the rift was a long shot, but she would have been a real asset, had things worked out. As it was, she was a nice distraction.

Toby Determined had definitely just been a distraction. The guy was about as competent as a leaky paper cup. But he’d actually gotten most of the Pines family out of the house, so that part of the plan, at least, had worked. They’d even left the Big Mackerel in charge of guarding the place! It seemed like the perfect opportunity to try out his new pawn, Preston Northwest. Bill had been sure Stan would take the bait, but no! Everyone in the Pines family had to do the opposite of what was expected this week. And Preston was such a priss, he’d rather just make vague threats and drive off than actually do what Bill asked him to and get his hands dirty! 

Unfortunately, possessing Preston wasn’t possible quite yet. The guy was too business savvy to make a deal on a handshake. It all had to be in writing with him.

The only other viable pawn in town was Lil’ Gideon, but he didn’t exactly have easy access to the Shack right now. Sure, Bill could break him out of prison, but it’d take a lot of effort, and it’d draw a lot of attention. Not just from the Pines, but from the Time Paradox Anomaly Avoidance Squad. There were a lot of perks to possessing a time traveler, but they came with the inconvenience of having to watch his step whenever he used them.

Bill sighed as he watched Sixer through one of his effigies still left in the Mystery Shack. Now there had been a good pawn! That rare balance of competence and gullibility, of intelligence and naivety, really did only come around once in a generation! So eager to please, so desperate to prove himself, so willing to just go along with things and not ask too many questions. Too bad Four-Eyes had to blunder his way into the portal on the test run. If Bill hadn’t had to tip his hand early, he might have brought the party to Earth thirty years ago. Ah well. Fighting Sixer all these years certainly kept him entertained.

For now, Bill was going to have to make due with his current pawns. Speaking of which, his latest puppet was trying to make a break for it. Bill popped out of the Nightmare Realm and into Blendin’s mindscape. The bumbling time traveler was about to pull out his time tape and jump into the future.

“AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” 

“Y-y-you can’t do this to me!” Blendin stammered. “I-I’m a time officer! I h-have rights!”

“OH, SORRY, MY MISTAKE!” Bill said sarcastically. “WHY DON’T YOU HURRY BACK TO THOSE JERKS WHO CONSTANTLY MOCKED YOU FOR LOSING GLOBNAR TO TWO CHILDREN. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU’D BE EAGER TO ADD ‘GOT POSSESSED BY MY BOSS’S WORST ENEMY’ TO THE INSULT LIST. THAT IS, IF THEY DON’T LOCK YOU UP FOR AIDING IN THE END OF THE WORLD!”

“I-I’ve escaped the infinitentiary before!” the time traveler protested.

“YEAH, SURE, THEN IT’LL JUST BE LIFE ON THE RUN WHILE TIME-BABY PUTS OUT A DIMENSION-WIDE MANHUNT FOR YOU! FACE IT, BLENDO, YOUR BEST CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS WITH ME!”

Blendin opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to come up with a good comeback, or rebuttal, or any reason to refuse Bill’s offer, but he apparently couldn’t think of one. Finally, he just hung his head in defeat and held out his hand. Bill smiled with his one eye and grabbed it, taking possession of the time traveler once again.

“THAT’S MORE LIKE IT! NOW, LET’S GO FIND A LADDER AND AN AK-47!”

* * *

The flock of eye-bats dispersed once Mabel and Soos got McGucket within the barrier. Ford breathed a sigh of relief. That had been too close. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Bill had tried to bargain with Fiddleford’s life for the rift.

Thankfully, McGucket’s incoherent screams had stopped once he was safely inside. The old inventor looked exhausted, but relieved, like he’d just outrun a raging wild animal. Ford locked eyes with him, and for a moment, he could have sworn a hint of recognition flickered on Fiddleford’s face. But then, the fatigue caught up with his old friend, and he passed out in Soos’s arms. 

Dipper, who had been keeping watch from the window, rushed over to them. “Oh my gosh, are you guys ok?” He asked, taking in everyone’s battered appearance. 

“I think I might’ve cracked a rib.” Soos said nonchalantly, as though he was talking about a paper cut and not one of the most painful injuries he could still walk on. 

“Come bring Fiddleford into my room; I’ll examine you both.” Ford instructed.

Dipper followed them in as they laid Fiddleford on the couch. A quick glance over found no serious injuries that needed immediate attention, although the old inventor definitely looked like he needed a few good meals in him. Next, Ford had Soos pull his shirt off, so he could properly check his ribs.

“Luckily they’re not cracked, just badly bruised.” Ford assured the handyman after a few moments of careful prodding. He handed Soos a small packet of some medicinal cream. “This cellular-regeneration optimizing salv should allow you to heal within the hour. I assume you can apply it yourself.”

“You got it, dawg.” Soos took the packet with a salute and left for the bathroom.

“Er, alright…” Ford wasn’t quite sure what that response meant, but it sounded like an affirmative. 

“What happened?” Dipper asked once Ford finished his examinations and just sat down, watching his friend anxiously.

“Your sister was there for it all. You can ask her.” Ford replied simply. He was trying to let the boy down gently, but the kids really were better off without him.

“Oh, O-ok…” Dipper left reluctantly, casting a glance over his shoulder as he closed the door.

* * *

“And so we skidded into the parking lot next to the gift shop like something out of Nagoya Burnout!” Mabel concluded her dramatic retelling of their rescue mission.

“Aw man, I wish I was there!” Dipper complained. “Although, I did get to see Stan psych out Preston Northwest. That was pretty gratifying.”

“Oh, that reminds me!” Mabel pulled out her cell phone. “Pacifica called me while we were at the dump, but it wasn’t a good time, so I hung up on her.”

“Huh. We got a call just before her dad showed up, but Grunkle Stan told me to just let it go to voicemail.”

Mabel checked her inbox to find several missed messages from Pacifica.

“Hey you asked if my parents were acting weird earlier?” The rich girl’s voice crackled from the voicemail. “Well, my dad just asked the chauffeur to take him to your shack. Last time he wouldn’t even ride there himself, he made ME go! ...Omg he’s packing a briefcase of money. I’m gonna have to call you back.”

The next message continued Pacifica’s panic, “When I asked him what he was doing he just said he was going to make a ‘business transaction’. Mabel seriously, call me back! I am freaking out!”

“I think he’s going to try and buy your house? Either that or maybe your uncle deals drugs? None of this makes sense to me. Just call me back already!”

“Mabel! Pick up! Why aren’t you answering!?”

“Uugh, fine! I’m calling your house!!”

“Oops.” Mabel grimaced. “I guess I should call her back.”

“Do you think her dad is actually working with Bill?” Dipper asked worriedly.

“I mean, I know he’s a shady rich guy and a bad parent, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of person to make a deal with a demon.” Mabel reasoned. “But maybe Bill came to him disguised as Blendin, like he did to Toby, and offered him technology from the future or something?”

“Maybe.” Dipper agreed. “I can’t think of any other reason the Northwests would try to buy out this place. I know Stan’s made enough to support himself and run the portal, but the Shack can’t be that successful compared to all the Northwest’s businesses. I’m just worried about Pacifica. Her parents are already the worst. If Bill is controlling them, who knows what they’d do to her?”

Mabel pulled up Pacifica’s contact and started calling. Her crazy rich rival picked up on the second ring. “Now you pick up!? What happened!? My dad said Stan pulled a gun on him!”

“Sorry!” Mabel apologized, “I was on a rescue mission, I had to be stealthy!”

“And Stan only pulled a gun on him after he made it clear calling the cops wasn’t an option!” Dipper defended.

“Why didn’t you just text me?” Mabel asked.

“And leave a written record that I was trying to warn you guys?” Pacifica scoffed. “You’ve got to be kidding!”

“...Your parents go through your texts?” Dipper asked warily.

“Yeah, don’t yours?” Pacifica asked, clearly not seeing anything wrong with the practice. 

“Nevermind all that!” Mabel interrupted, “We wanted to make sure you’re alright!”

"What? I'm fine. You two are the ones living with the guy who pulled a gun on my dad!"

"After he threatened us!" Dipper repeated.

“Not in any way that would hold up in court, I’m sure.” Pacifica said, and Dipper swore he could hear her rolling her eyes.

“Anyway, we called because we’re worried about you!” Mabel broke up the argument.

“Why would you be worried?” Pacifica asked. “Guys, I’m just grounded. It’s not like my parents have me locked up in a dungeon or something.”

“We have reason to believe your parents are fraternizing with a dream demon.” Dipper explained. “Or at least your dad is.”

“Um… you’re joking, right?” the rich girl huffed a weak laugh.

“Don’t freak her out, Dipper!” Mabel elbowed her brother.

“But it’s true!”

“Hey Pacifica, sorry, Dipper’s being crazy paranoid.” Mabel forced a laugh, “But seriously though, you should keep an eye on your dad. And like, if he gets yellow eyes or something, you should just leave.”

“What!? What the heck is going on, you two? Is this another ghost thing?”

“Well I mean, it does seem like Bill’s main way of getting things done in our world is possessing people, so that’s kind of like a ghost…” Dipper answered.

“Who the heck is Bill!?”

“He’s a dream demon who wants to end the world.” Dipper explained bluntly. “But he needs something in our house to do it.”

“Are-are you serious?” Pacifica asked incredulously. “You’d better be serious right now, because if you’re messing with me I’ll come over there and buy your uncle’s filthy tourist trap myself!”

“I’m dead serious.” Dipper assured her. “What do you know about that creepy tapestry in the alcove just to the left of the grand staircase in the main dining hall? The one with the triangle eye on it?”

“Ugh, that ugly thing?” Pacifica groaned. “Mom can’t talk dad into throwing it out because it’s a family heirloom or whatever. Once I inherit this mansion, it’s going in the trash where it belongs!”

“Haha, Bill belongs in the trash!” Mabel giggled.

“So what, is Bill the guy who made the tapestry or something?”

“He’s the one on the tapestry.” Dipper corrected. “He’s the triangle eye.”

“I told you, if you’re messing with me--”

“I’m not messing with you! I know it sounds crazy, but this is a matter of life and death!” Dipper said earnestly.

“Ok, ok!” Pacifica backed off, surprised by Dipper’s sincerity. “I honestly don’t know anything else about it, though. Just that apparently it was a gift to Nathaniel Northwest when he founded the town.”

“Which we all know he didn’t do.” Dipper reasoned. “So where did it actually come from?”

“How the heck should I know?” Pacifica retorted.

“Could you maybe ask your dad about it?” Mabel proposed.

“I guess. He might find it a little suspicious if I suddenly seem interested in it though.”

“Could you at least take a picture of it and text it to us?” Dipper asked. “I didn’t think to take a good look at it while I was there, and I only remember a few vague details.”

“Ugh, ok, but you’d better help me find a good way to explain why I sent it to you once my parents find out.”

* * *

Dinnertime rolled around, and Ford still hadn’t left his room since the rescue party returned earlier that afternoon. Dipper was beginning to worry. Despite his insistence that he could live off of his nutrition pills for another three years, Ford always made a point to join the family for dinner. Even though the old researcher wouldn't admit it, Dipper was pretty sure it was because he got lonely spending all his time in the basement. The fact that Ford was absent as they dug into a plate of Mac'n'Cheese left Dipper wondering if something was wrong.

"Hey, uh, Mabel? Did Great Uncle Ford seem upset when you guys found McGucket?"

"He did seem pretty sad, but I don't think he really had time to be upset. We were busy running from Bill."

"Of course he's upset. He's finally seen first-hand how his old college buddy has become the self-proclaimed local kook." Stan said without looking up from his dinner. "Just give him some space, kid, he'll be fine."

Dipper wasn't in the habit of listening to Stan, so as soon as he finished eating he dropped his plate in the sink and snuck down the hall to Ford's room. Thankfully, it wasn't locked.

Ford looked up at him with such a dead-eyed stare when he stepped in that the boy suddenly wished he had listened to Stan.

"H-hey… um… we, uh, missed you at dinner… heh…"

"I'm otherwise occupied." Ford said quietly, not looking the boy in the eye. "Don't worry about me, I still have plenty of nutrition pills."

"Oh, uh, yeah…." Dipper scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "... That's not what I'm really worried about though."

Ford tensed. "Has there been a new development with Bill?"

"Uh… I mean, Preston Northwest did come by here and try to buy the Shack, but Stan scared him off, for now…. Oh! And Wendy wanted to know if you would help put up a barrier around her family’s house if she got some more unicorn hair.”

The old researcher nodded. “It will take time. It would be safer for her to stay here until I’m able to assemble another barrier spell.” 

“Oh, ok, I’ll let her know.” Dipper shuffled his feet. “So, uh, how’s McGucket?”

“He needs rest.” Ford watched his friend’s sleeping form carefully, still refusing to meet Dipper’s gaze.

“Um, are you ok?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Ford reiterated shortly. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to your sister about now?”

“...Mabel told you we weren’t going to stay, didn’t she?” Dipper fretted. “...Are you mad at me?”

Ford finally turned to face him. “Of course not, my boy! If anything, you should be mad at me.”

“What, why?” Dipper asked in confusion.

“I came between you and your family. I got you involved in my problems. I put you in danger. I shouldn’t-- you shouldn’t-- you’d be safer if you kept your distance from me.”

“But you are my family!” Dipper insisted. “And I was involved with Bill before I even knew who you were!”

“Because you found my journal. I still started you on that path.”

“Well, technically, I guess.” Dipper admitted grudgingly. “But that wasn’t your fault!”

Ford scoffed and looked away again, obviously not convinced.

“If you and Mabel already came to your own decision to return home, then you must have realized on some level that I am a toxic influence. I don’t understand the thoughts and feelings of other people. I’ve hurt every person I’ve ever been close to.” The old researcher watched the slow rise and fall of Fiddleford’s far-too-thin chest. “You deserve better than that. You deserve better than me.”

Dipper was dumbstruck for a moment. He never would have guessed that his Great Uncle Ford, the Author of the Journals, would feel this way. And it felt so wrong, because this wasn’t the way he viewed his uncle at all. Didn’t he know he was Dipper’s hero? Deserve better? Ford being Dipper’s uncle, and actually liking him and spending time with him, was better than the boy had dared to hope for.

“That’s not why we decided to go home!” Dipper insisted. How had Mabel put it? She made it sound so simple. “It’s not like we don’t want to stay with you. Now just isn’t the right time.”

“Not now… and not ever.” Ford said glumly. “It’s… it’s for the best.”

“No it’s not!” the boy blurted. “I know a lot of the people you care about end up hurt, and I know you have a hard time understanding why other people do things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t understand other people’s thoughts and feelings at all! That doesn’t mean all you do is hurt other people! I know because you were the first person this summer who understood me! 

“I love Mabel, but we don’t see the world in the same way. That’s a good thing most of the time, but sometimes when I try to talk to her about the paranormal, she just dismisses it as me being paranoid, or ‘dumb nerd stuff’. And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to talk to Stan about that stuff. 

“When I found your Journal in the woods, it wasn’t just an exciting mystery that fell into my lap. It was like finding validation that all the weird things I saw actually mattered. I think that Journal helped me get out of trouble just as often as it got me into trouble. And as the summer went on and I read more and saw more, it was like I was getting to know you, even though I still didn't have any idea who you were. I knew I felt a connection with whoever wrote it, so I started trying to figure out who it was. 

“Yeah, I got in a little too deep and got in trouble at a few points, but that just made it all the more amazing when I finally found out that the Author was you, and you were my family, and I wasn’t just imagining that we had something in common! And somehow, impossibly, you’re even cooler than I ever imagined because you’re more than just paranormal mysteries and cryptograms that take me ages to decode! You like to play the same games I do, and you actually take my theories and stuff seriously instead of just laughing it off or telling me I’m paranoid! And… and…” Dipper slowly became painfully aware of how long he’d been talking without any response from Ford, who was still turned away from him. “And you’re really important to me, ok? I know we’ve known each other for less than a month, but I just can’t accept a future where we can’t hang out anymore, ok?”

Ford didn’t answer for a long time. He just stared down at McGucket’s sleeping form. But if Dipper watched closely, he could see his uncle just barely keeping his breathing under control.

“You’re a very intelligent boy, Dipper.” The old researcher finally croaked. “Why can’t you see the evidence lying right before you?”

Dipper looked down on McGucket's prone form, then to his uncle, who was just barely containing his grief.

“You may have hurt McGucket, but you can’t completely blame yourself for the state he’s in now. And you obviously still feel bad about what happened, and you’re doing everything you can to help now. If you ask me, that’s not toxic. 

“I know you’re scared of hurting the people you love again, but just cutting yourself off from everyone isn’t gonna help, even if it seems like the easiest option. I think you just need some people who love you back and are willing to help you learn to be better.”

Dipper decided to take a risk and stepped forward, tentatively hugging Ford around the waist. His uncle tensed for a second at the unexpected contact, but his rigidity crumbled after a moment. The old researcher dropped to his knees and hugged his nephew tightly. 

“Thank you, my boy. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that.”

[representshinjuku]

T.D.D VS D4

(Note: this song contains spoilers for track 5.)

Ibuki: Yamada Ichiro…  The Dirty Dawg… I’m sending all of you to hell. 

Ichiro: Bring it on. Let’s settle this! 

[All]

The time’s come to settle this

Time to find out who’s really stronger

This storm won’t blow over so easy

So let’s enjoy this battle to the fullest

A back and forth with our lives on the line–

That’s the real thrill of war

This storm won’t blow over so easy

So let’s enjoy this battle to the fullest

Jakurai: The way you move… Were you a soldier?

Jyobu: So pleased to finally meet you. Assassin known as ill-DOC.

Jakurai: I admit I’m not fond of being called by that name.

[Jyobu]

I’ve finally met you, the man, the legend

The man I respected from the bottom of my heart

And the man I’ve always wanted to fight

Now let us see this battle through

The legendary assassin 

Who never spared a target, ill-DOC

Show me your true face, the monster inside

Let me hear your devil’s song

Jyobu: Just as I’d thought. The legends were true. Come and kill me. I’ve dreamed of dying at the hand of a conqueror like you. 

Jakurai: My deepest apologies, but I won’t be killing anyone. 

Jyobu: Is that the truth?

Jakurai: I no longer want to hurt anyone.

Jyobu: Don’t want to hurt anyone? Don’t joke! 

[Jyobu]

You won’t kill? You don’t want to hurt? 

I don’t want to hear that here

You’re an assassin, aren’t you?

How many people have you put in their graves?

Men like us who thirst for blood

Have crimson written into our very genes

My hands are bloody red

And I won’t hesitate to stain them again

[Jakurai] 

I’ve claimed countless lives

Cut off countless final prayers

And my penance for those sins 

Is to save even just a few more lives

This is the answer I’ve arrived at 

After facing down countless enemies

It is because there is no end to my penance

That I must impose it upon myself endlessly

[Jyobu]

You and I are the same

The shape is different but the purpose is the same

No man could change that much–

Stories can’t reverse their flow

If you really seek to cause no harm, 

Then why did you take Mic in hand?

Nothing has changed, just the shape of the weapon

A ‘you’ without bloodlust isn’t ‘you’ at all

[Jakurai] 

Humans are unseemly creatures

That’s what makes them precious

And I cannot forgive the senseless violence 

Of extinguishing those lives

That is why I fight now, 

The purpose I must fulfill

I stand in order to topple abuse; 

In order to protect those precious to me

Jyobu: You say you don’t want to hurt anyone, but your rap is quite aggressive. 

Jakurai: My apologies. I simply believed it was unnecessary to hold back against those who’d hurt my friend.

Ibuki: Now, Yamada Ichiro… Time to atone for your sins.

Ichiro: Answer me first! What did I do to you?

Ibuki: Not me. My brother! 

Ichiro: Brother? 

[Ibuki]

My brother was crushed by his debts, 

And every day he got chased down by you

And in the end his body gave out on him 

And he just up and died

Sure, my brother was a piece of shit, 

That was never gonna change

But even if he was shit, he was my precious family, 

My one and only brother

Ichiro: You… You’re Yagasaki Hayato’s little brother!?

Ibuki: It’s your fault my brother’s dead!

Ichiro: Wait a second! I–! 

Ibuki: You what? Don't tell me you did nothing wrong, Yamada Ichiro!

[Ibuki]

You weren’t wrong? Fuck off with that nonsense

That’s not your sin? Fuck off! 

I can’t stand you acting like you don’t know you’ve sinned!

You used to be the one abusing the weak, 

Living like the devil would

And now you’re playing the beloved hero? 

I’ll make you pay for that hypocrisy with your life

Samatoki: Don’t even think about it you piece of shit!

Ichiro: Samatoki-san?

Samatoki: Hey, Ichiro. You don’t seem too hot.

Ichiro: Samatoki-san, your wound–

Samatoki: Worry about yourself first. These bastards really got the jump on you. You can’t change the past. So take responsibility for it! Your best memories and your worst deeds, all of that makes up your life!

Ichiro: I’m responsible… for all of it? All of it! I’m sorry, Samatoki-san! I’m fine now. 

Samatoki: Took you long enough.

Seigen: Damn it. How the hell’s Samatoki here? Hey, I’m outta here. I’m meeting up with Rindo. 

Ichiro: You damn–

Samatoki: I’ll take care of him. You beat this bastard down.

Ibuki: Now all the distractions are finally gone.

Ichiro: Yeah. Let’s settle this. Put our past to rest!

[Ibuki]

Settle the score? 

All you should be doing is repenting for your past

If only you weren’t here, my life would be a completely different thing

My brother’s debts fell on me; 

To pay them back, I committed any crime

Give back my brother! Give back my life! 

It’s time for you to repent!

Ichiro: You’re right. I’m the dirtiest damn guy there is. I shook down money from the weak in order to live how I wanted. 

Ibuki: So you finally admit it!

Ichiro: Yeah, I admit it. That’s why you have to face your past, too!

Ibuki: What!?

Ichiro: You blame everything on your past, and won’t acknowledge your weakness, so you’ll never beat me. I’ll never lose to someone like you!

[Ichiro]

I admit it, I’m a piece of shit too, 

The biggest there is

But even then I can’t admit defeat, 

Can’t let you win in times like this

When the people I care about are hurt, 

I can’t back down, won’t back down

If I backed down now 

I wouldn’t even be worthy of being shit

[Ibuki] 

Shut up! 

Shit like you doesn’t get to preach to me!

[Ichiro]

Yeah, I was the worst of the worst–

No, maybe I still am

But I have to keep on living with that burden, 

Face my own life head-on

If you don’t accept your past you can’t move forward,

Can’t even see the present

You can’t live making everything somebody else’s fault, 

It’s your own life, stop running away

You’ve gotta make a tomorrow that’s better than today

So come back when you can face yourself too

Ibuki: Face my past? There’s nothing but ash. After I lost my brother, I drowned myself in crime. If I look back, it’s so dark I can’t see a thing!

Ichiro: Then look forward!

Ibuki: Forward?

Ichiro: You can’t change the past. But you can change the future. 

Seigen: You damn immortal bastard…

Samatoki: You still wavin’ that thing around?

Seigen: You serious right now? This thing’s strongest when you use it with a Mic. And strength is justice!

[Seigen]

Everybody’s too damn stupid around here, 

Too naive, these word’re gonna end it

The ends justify the means, 

Get there however the hell you want

There’s no point if you don’t win

‘Cuz the winners lead this world

I fight with both a Mic and a gun

You piss me off and you’re goin’ down

Seigen: You scared? You can start begging if you are.

Samatoki: Okay. Shoot me. Your bullets ain’t gonna kill me. Don’t underestimate me!

[Samatoki] 

Strength is justice, sure, that’s right

There’s no meaning in losing, sure, that’s right

But when you throw away your pride 

That’s the end of you as a man

I live by my own creed, 

And by that creed I’m gonna kill you

You know why I use the damn Mic they forced on us? 

That’s ‘cuz of my pride

I handle this Mic better than anybody

I’ll use their own tool against them 

And prove I’m just

Seigen: Damn it!

[Samatoki] 

No fuckin’ way I’m losin’ 

Against a guy who threw away his pride

A man can’t fight without pride, 

That’s why you’re gonna lose

Who do you think I am? 

I’m the center of this world

Get outta my way you idiot, 

I’m Samatoki-sama you bastard

Samatoki: Half-assed bastard. Made me overdo it. If the stitches pull, Nemu’s gonna get mad at me again. 

Rindo: My oh my. They’re all useless after all. 

Ramuda: Oh? You’re pretty calm for a guy who had all his friends taken out.

Rindo: They’re not my friends. They’re tools I need in order to achieve my goals. 

Ramuda: How heartless! That’s why the ladies threw you away, y’know! Huh? Was I not supposed to say that? Y’know, that you used to be their dog…

Rindo: You found out?

Ramuda: But too bad! The friends you chose all got done in!

Rindo: Friends… Stupid word. The second you start using it, you’ll get thrown away. Even by your beloved Chuuouku.

Ramuda: Really. You’re a bad one, mister.

Rindo: Now. Let me explain to you just how cruel the world really is!

[Rindo]  

You’re a little stupid, replacement, 

So let me give you a little test

The truth steps up for showtime 

And after that I’ll go in for the overkill

I gave my everything in those fights, 

I pledged my everything to them

The Party of Words only took this country 

Because of what I did for them

But they threw me away, 

Left me in my worst nightmare

Friends, trust, reliance, bonds:

That day I learned they’re all made up

It’s only about if you can be used–

That’s all there is to human relations

The world’s full of fake relationships 

All destined to die in the dark

Rindo: Look. Even if you fall, no one’s gonna come save you! Friends and trust… They don’t exist! 

Ramuda: You’re right. That’s what I think, too. But if you look hard enough, you might actually find them. 

Rindo: What?

Jakurai: I’m sorry I’m late. Are you all right? 

Ramuda: Mmm. Just barely?

Ichiro: Don’t touch my friend you dirty bastard!

Samatoki: Hey, Ramuda, I’ve got an ache in my stomach so let’s finish this quick. 

Ramuda: Ichiro? Samatoki? 

Jakurai: Amemura-kun. Leave them to us. We’ll leave him to you.

[Ichiro] If anybody lays a hand on my friends 

[Samatoki] Doesn’t matter who they are, they’re goin’ down

[Jakurai] 

You’ve challenged the wrong enemy–

In just a few moments your tears will prove that

[Ichiro] Yo, we’re the Dirty Dawg

[Samatoki] And our rhymes’re top class

[Jakurai] Your prescription is a bit of a powerful poison

[Ichiro, Samatoki, Jakurai] Anyone who gets in our way gets kicked to the curb

Ramuda: Looks like my friends were stronger than your tools.

Rindo: There’s no one worth a damn around here!

Ramuda: Let’s settle our score, too! Mis~ter!

Rindo: Stupid kid. Don’t get ahead of yourself!

[Rindo] 

Watch how you talk to me brat, 

I’m about to send you down to hell

The world’s not as kind as you think

There’s no point in trusting anyone

Friends, trust, reliance, bonds–

The more I hear about it the more I hurt

You won’t be able to endure 

The despair behind these words 

[Ramuda]

You’re just like my mirror image

We’re pretty similar, you and me

Friends and trust, I don’t believe in them either, 

If I can’t use them then I don’t need them!

I understand just how you think, 

Know it so well it hurts

But sorry to say my wounds are light–

There’s no way I’m gonna succumb like you

[Rindo] 

Betrayal is inevitable when dealing with people, 

Even the strongest bond will one day decay

Even if you rely on others

When you die, you’ll still die alone

Watching these fake bonds makes me mad; 

I’ll use everyone and make it to the top

I don’t need friends or trust, 

We have no choice but to live with our loneliness

[Ramuda]

You and I are definitely alike, 

But there’s one thing that must be different

I won’t go so far as to say what it is, 

But you and I are total opposites!

That’s why you won’t beat me, 

And why I won’t turn into you

You’ve fallen into the darkness, 

But my future won’t be like yours!

Rindo: They’ll betray you too. They will throw you away! You’re just a tool to Chuuouku too. 

Ramuda: Yeah. I know that. But I’ll be fine. Because… I have the greatest posse by my side!

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #118: To The Death

December, 1973

Dormammu strikes me as a guy that would be more interested in ‘to the pain.’ And I’m not one to criticize cover combat strategies but maybe don’t all jump at Dormammu in one easily Evil Eye’d clump.

Last time: Dormammu tricked the Defenders into collecting the Evil Eye, Loki tricked the Avengers into ineffectually trying to stop them. The two teams finally realized something was up but not in time to stop Dormammu from stealing all the Evil Eye bits and merging Earth with the Dark Dimension.

This time: Things are bad forever. Buildings are warping, people are turning into monsters and not in the cool way.

But no matter the odds, the Avengers and Defenders will fight

to the death, yes.

God, Namor. I don’t know what you were going for but it probably wasn’t constipation. And got to love Cap trying for an intimidating flex.

And then we zoom out a little and the assembled heroes look less mighty and dynamic and more royally screwed.

They’ve got a couple royals among them so yeah, royally screwed sounds right.

Geez. Look at that disproportionally huge upper body monster man and his tiny legs. Look at that girl turning into a dragon feets up. Lookit everything being on fire and buildings sagging like a souffle.

This is some good ‘world gone to hell’ art.

The Avenging Defenders and Defending Avengers get to work holding back the monsters. But they have to hold back because these were people once and will be people again if they can thwart Dormammu.

Dr. Strange casts a quick spell to prevent the two superhero teams from turning into monsters. Sadly, that’s all he can protect without expending too much energy to face Dormammu.

It really kind of drives home the shit that the teams are in. But for a roll of the dice, they could have been the ones turning into monsters.

Now, the only way to stop this is to stop Dormammu. And the only way to stop Dormammu is to go to his dimension. I guess since Earth isn’t fully merged he has to stay on his side until the hour is up.

But Cap raises the point that they can’t just desert Earth. Hundreds of people could be killed in their monster forms before they could fix things. Hell, the monster people might kill people who have yet to transform.

But they can’t split the party. Dormammu plus Evil Eye means they need to confront him with their full strength.

What is a superhero to do? Leave the few to possible death to save the many? There’s no easy answer.

Not unless SHIELD shows up to lend a hand. Hey, just like Age of Ultron!

Now, monsterfying is happening all over the world but SHIELD is an international agency at this point so hey! Problem solved. SHIELD will take over the Los Angeles situation so the Avengfenders can deal with the big picture.

Now, yeah, debate cut short with a convenient answer but I’m glad Englehart addressed that there would be collateral damage. That the heroes couldn’t just pop off and fight a fire-headed jerk without leaving behind a bad situation.

I like it was Defender Dr. Strange who said they needed to go after Dormammu and Avenger Captain America who worried about leaving defenseless civilians behind. That feels about right for where the teams would respectively focus.

Anyway, Dr. Strange casts his dimension jump spell and off the two teams go. While SHIELD begins a holding action. Although, I’m not sure how you perform a holding action when an entire world is going bonkers and your own people might turn into monsters.

Because, yeah. That happens. SHIELD didn’t get a fancy protection spell against monsterfying.

Countess Valentina Allegro de Fontaine transforms into a big lizardy monster and turns on Nick Fury. He stuns her but realizes that anyone else could turn at any time. This holding action is doomed if the heroes don’t come through.

SPEAKING OF, welcome to the Dark Dimension, Avengers and also Defenders. Hope you survive the experience.

And the Dark Dimension is weird and, yes, mostly poorly lit.

Thor wants all the fliers to fly ahead but Dr. Strange cautions him not to stray from the gray, meteor pocked trail. The laws of reality are weird in the Dark Dimension and its not safe off the trail.

Some of the Avengers are resentful to take Dr. Strange’s lead but they all charge forward along the gray path.

Meanwhile, miles or millenia ahead, Dormammu shoots off rainbows from the Evil Eye to amuse himself.

Loki is unimpressed. Because he can’t see anything. So maybe Dormammu should fulfill his part in the bargain and restore Loki’s sight now? After all, Dormammu couldn’t have pulled this off without Loki’s aid.

Dormammu thinks no. In fact, he thinks its kennel time for Loki and puts him in a mystic pink cage. See, once he got the Evil Eye, he realized that Loki had tried to screw him over by alerting the Avengers.

So he can stay in the cage and think about what he’s done.

AND THEN THE WATCHER SHOWS UP! Oh but don’t fret. He’s not here to interfere. He’s just here to watch. Two dimensions merging together? That’s a pretty sweet spectacle.

I guess Dormammu appreciates an audience because he promises enough spectacle to justify the Watcher’s entire existence of watching things.

Also, Dormammu swears by his sister. Is her head also on fire?

Meanwhile, the Avengers and Defenders hit a snag. The path just kind of ends. Also: now they’re being attacked by the Mindless Ones. Good news though: the Mindless Ones brought their own path so there’s the way forward.

Feels kind of like a side-scrolling beat-em-up. You hit the end of the path. A bunch of dudes show up that you have to beat up and then it lets you continue forward.

Problem is that physical combat just makes the Mindless Ones excited. So instead all the Avengers that have ranged blasty powers all line up and blast at the same time, causing the Mindless Ones to flee off-panel.

But they left their sweet pink road.

Mantis, who apparently has an internal clock rivaling the Andalites, tells the group that they only have twenty minutes left. I say rivaling because apparently she ‘literally feels each second being ripped from the cosmos around her by the invisible hands of time!’

That sure is a power to have, Mantis.

Meanwhile, lets check in on the homefront. Buncha heroes fighting monsters and reacting to this bazonkers event. I think the best might be Dracula objecting to Earth becoming monstery because it might affect him. AND THAT MUST NEVER BE!

Or Luke Cage grumbling that this was supposed to be his day off. Later on he would try to take Martin Luther King Day as a personal day only to get wrapped up in Vision and Scarlet Witch’s problems. Poor Luke.

Also Gorgon doesn’t know Triton’s name. What’s funniest about that is that the marvel wiki tries to justify it as in-universe sarcasm. Sometimes people mess up, guys.

Meanwhile, the Dark Dimension. The Avengers and Defenders have finally reached Dread Dormammu.

Unfortunately, he has a shield up to keep the Mindless Ones away from himself. Dr. Strange can sunder the shield but it will take time. And they probably don’t have a lot of that left.

Also, think about the Watcher’s vow of non-intervention. I think its doomed to failure. Because just by showing up, he influences events even a little. People generally know that something is significant when the Watcher shows up. In the Infinity Gauntlet event, Thanos knew that a big battle was headed his way because the Watcher showed up to watch. Granted, Thanos was near omnipotent at the time so its not like it affected things much there.

So lets look at here instead. The Watcher shows up to watch. Thor sees the Watcher and shouts excitedly because its someone he knows because Thor is always jazzed to see a friend. Dormammu suspects that this excitement means the Watcher was lying about being neutral. The Watcher goes ‘how dare, non-intervention is my game, dawg. I love these guys but I’ll stand by and watch them brutally slaughtered, that's how much I’m about non-intervention.’

And then Dormammu tells the Watcher to chill out.

But while this conversation was going on, Dr. Strange bursts through Dormammu’s barrier. You could argue that the distraction the Watcher provides just by being present is an intervention. The Watcher is a bad anthropologist, probably. At the least, he should invest in a cloaking device.

Anyway, Dormammu isn’t worried. Why, with the Evil Eye backing him up he can merely wave his hand and instantly K.O. the Defenders.

Alas.

Still, the Defenders have been trouncing the Avengers this whole crossover. Time for them to pull their own weight. Plus, the final part of this story is taking place in an Avengers book.

The Avengers are uncowed and shout that thing they love to shout and rush forward.

So Dormammu turns the ground into quicksand.

Because if you have power overwhelming, why not mess with your enemies. Its not like they can stop you, probably.

Except for Scarlet Witch, Iron Man, and Thor all the Avengers fall victim to the quicksand. 

Scarlet Witch wants Thor and Iron Man to try to pull the rest of the Avengers free but Swordsman tells her not to stop for them.

He’ll use the heat rays from his sword to fuse some solid islands out of this quicksand to give the bogged down Avengers something to hang onto.

... Okay. Not sure if that’s how quicksand works but whatever.

Iron Man, Thor, and Scarlet Witch run forward to confront Dormamu. Dormammu is okay with this. In fact, he likes the humanity of these superheroes. Makes them more fun to play with. In fact, they’re so human why not become all human.

And he vanishes Iron Man’s armor and turns Thor into Donald Blake.

Kind of weird that Scarlet Witch is still running around. Whats the deal?

She was born with her power. So she can’t be separated from it, at least not in the same way that affected the other two.

Of course, Wanda phrases this differently. And also says “You cannot stop me!” So 10/10 for confidence there.

So instead Dormammu attacks Scarlet Witch with a harmless little rain shower. NOT! Its a glue storm. And now she’s covered in glue.

Dormammu is being weirdly non-violent with his ways of stopping the Avengers.

I guess because its all a game to him. Although I fear its because he doesn’t want to break his new toys just yet.

But with all the Avengers incapacitated in one form or another, there’s nothing to stop Dormammu from winning in abouuuuuuuuuuuut... five minutes. Oh, sorry. Five of your Earth minutes. Dormammu minutes are presumably cooler.

But Loki has been waiting for an opportunity. Dormammu’s attention is fully taken up with gloating over the Avengers and not paying any to Loki in his mystic cage.

So Loki busts out one of his less used powers and transforms into an insect to fly between the bars of the cage. Relying on the sound cues of Dormammu’s ceaseless yammering, Loki grabs Dormammu from behind and tries to pry the Evil Eye away from him.

I wonder if he learned any good wrassling moves from growing up with Thor.

Now Scarlet Witch is the one who has been forgotten. Still pretty ensnared in goo, she takes the opportunity to unleash all of her stored power at the Evil Eye.

Because its thought-controlled. And from what I gather, usually has to be triggered by touch. But with the probability warping power of Scarlet Witch’s arbitrary mutant power, she causes the Evil Eye to trigger itself.

And the Evil Eye eats Dormammu. And, uh, sort of goes off right in Loki’s face.

Due to probabilities gone mad, the energy discharge fulfills Loki’s most fervent hope and restores his sight to him. It just... has a minor side effect of driving him totally insane.

With Dormammu defeated, the dimension merge is cancelled. The people unmonsterfy, the landscapes return to normal, and a confused Ben Grimm takes credit for fixing everything.

Back in the Dark Dimension, the Watcher congratulates the Avengers and Defenders and decides to explain some things.

Apparently Dormammu’s extra-dimensional form is composed of raw energy that is constantly on fire. This energy is generated by belief and worship of Dormammu, like with most mystic entities. So that’s how the Evil Eye ate him. It probably can’t eat anyone not made of energy. Probably.

But Dormammu will be back. And not even in the ‘this is comic books and he’s an iconic villain, of course he’ll be back’ sort of way. More in the “those who love sin will continue to call upon him -- and in time, their reverence will reshape him!”

Way to screw the rest of us over, all you sin lovers.

As for Loki. He had Dormammu’s energy blasted through his brain. And no brain from Earth’s dimension can cope with so much sorcerous force. His mind has broken under the strain, reverting him to the mentality of an infant.

I don’t know if ‘totally insane’ is in fact the right way to describe that?

And since the Watcher has been handing out free exposition like its going out of style, it would be nice if the Vision answered a question. Why did he panic instead of fly when Dormammu made the ground into quicksand?

Vision can’t answer the question because he doesn’t understand it himself. Yet another weird clue in some long mystery about the Vision.

But anyway. The day is saved thanks to the Scarlet Witch mostly. So Dr. Strange scoops up the Evil Eye.Time to go back to Earth and use it to fix Black Knight. Also he just up and erases everyone’s memory of seeing Iron Man and Thor’s civilian identity so they can reveal it when they choose.

WHICH IS NICE I GUESS BUT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICER IF DR. STRANGE HAD ASKED FIRST! He just erases everyone’s minds without a by your leave.

And he half-asses it too because Iron Man and Thor presumably still know each other’s identities since they found out independently.

I get that status quo is god and maybe the decision to have Iron Man and Thor’s identity be revealed should happen in their respective books but instead of having mind erase happen, just make it so nobody saw their faces? The Defenders were unconscious, the Avengers were mostly stuck in the mud. Really only Scarlet Witch would have seen and recognized them and she can be trusted with a secret.

Hell, that would be a good thing to follow up this story with. Thor and Iron Man having a quiet conversation with Scarlet Witch after this to formally entrust her with their secret identity.

Alas.

So that was the Avengers/Defenders War. The Avengers go on from this to have a Halloween adventure at the Rutland Halloween Parade. Remember last time they went to Rutland, straw feminism kicked their butts.

The Defenders go on to try to unstone Black Knight with the Evil Eye to mixed success. Its technically counted as the final part of the Avengers/Defenders War despite the war being over. Maybe I’ll cover it but basically the Defenders end up transported to the 12th century Crusades, discover the Black Knight living through the body of one of his ancestors, and have to stop Mordred from getting the Evil Eye. Prestor John ends up with the Evil Eye, implying a weird time loop. And Black Knight decides to stay in the past times so he can continue fighting in the Crusades and I guess eventually meets Exodus, Mysterious Overpowered X-Men Villain #71.

So. The Avengers/Defenders War. It was more of an Avengers/Defenders Scavenger Hunt. And the Avengers really underperformed until the end when Scarlet Witch grabbed the Quidditch and won the game for Earth.

I mentioned that it reminds me a lot of JLA/Avengers and I’ll go into that a little now. We have two teams clashing where the Avengers are way outmatched. We have them fighting over a number of arbitrary powerful items. We have the conflict being engineered by outside manipulators. We have all the arbitrary powerful items being taken away from the heroes once they’re gathered and used to make the world go screwy. And we have the two separate teams spending some time to get to know each other, decide that they’re not so bad, and then teaming up to kick a cosmic jerk in the face. And also, Hawkeye is a member of both the fighting teams.

These very broad points also correspond to JLA/Avengers.

Its probably a coincidence but I wonder if the Avengers/Defenders War was used as an inspiration for how to handle an extended crossover between two unmatched teams. JLA/Avengers was written by Kurt Busiek and he’s kind of a continuity buff.

I know that the ‘two superhero teams fight because villain pulling the strings’ thing has become a cliche but a hero vs hero story where the teams are able to just hang out and socialize and part on good terms feels good.