#he's making fun of travis (always a noble pursuit)

[touchd0wn-boy]

[theworstbob]

i listened to the 100 most popular songs from 2016 today

100) "Perfect," One Direction

I am glad that this list started with a lovely cover of Tay Tay's "Style." I was worried none of these songs would actually be good! Like, this cover isn't anywhere near as good as the Postmodern Jukebox version, but they handled it capably, and it's hard to go wrong with this song. These five nice boys picked a very good song to yap!

99) "See You Again," by Wiz Khalifa ft/Charlie Puth

I honestly can't believe that Fast and Furious is the most reliable institution in America. Think about everything in this country that has failed or is failing us. Think of what is happening in this country, and then think of the few things that are happening which are good. It's Fast and Furious and the DVSBlast Twitter account. Those are the only two things we can trust right now.

98) "Timmy Turner," by Desiigner

So I’m not sure why this song brings up The Fairly Odd Parents, but this is a nightmare to listen to and think about, and I wanna talk some Cosmo. I believe, with my heart and my soul, Cosmo belongs in the Dumb TV Character Pantheon. This feeling exists within me because I will always remember this exchange from one of the movies, after Cosmo is separated from Wanda: Cosmo: I can't date again! I'm terrible at small talk! Ask me about the weather! Timmy: Um, how's the weather? Cosmo: JEFF! Cosmo is such a good character. I am glad for this excuse to talk Cosmo.

97) "Wicked," by Future

So is there a difference between Metro Boomin not trusting you and Metro Boomin being [indifferent to/unaware of] the fact of my existence? I don't think I should be shot simply because Metro Boomin has never met me and thus would have no reason to trust me. I suppose that wouldn't be a good intro to the track. "If Metro Boomin doesn't care to know who you are, you will be permitted to continue living outside his (admittedly limited) purview."

96) "Humble and Kind," by Tim McGraw

Let's take a second to appreciate the irony of the demographic which made this the 96th-most-popular song in America in 2016 is also the exact same demographic which voted for Trump. "Bitterness keeps you from flying/Always stay humble and kind." HEY GUESS WHAT LORI MCKENNA, BITTERNESS DON'T KEEP YOU FROM SHIT. YOU AND TIM DID NOTHING.

95) "Adventure of a Lifetime," by Coldplay

Oh come on why is this like this is no why

94) "Starving," by Hailee Steinfeld and Grey ft./Zedd

Every song Hailee Steinfeld has made would have been a better closing moment for Pitch Perfect 2 than "Flashlight." Again: imagine all the Bellas past and present on stage singing "I didn't know that I was starving 'til I tasted you." And what did Pitch Perfect 2 try to do? It tried to make Jessie J happen, the least noble pursuit possible short of trying to make Robbie Williams happen. They also made Pentatonix Canadian? We don't talk enough about how Pentatonix was randomly Canadian in Pitch Perfect 2. We don't talk enough about how there are two full movies about a capella music and Pentatonix had a total of three seconds of silent screen time.

93) "All in My Head (Flex)," by Fifth Harmony ft./Fetty Wap

Trap Rappers Doing Feature Verses in Pop Songs is already my favorite thing. Like when Kendrick appears in a Maroon 5 song, it's weird because Kendrick made To Pimp a Butterfly, but you can see how Kendrick can fit himself into a pop song, traditional rap serving at its core as a second percussion track. Fetty Wap is on a different plane of existence.

92) "Really Really," by Kevin Gates

I listened to Islah because it showed up on some list somewhere and I remember listening to this song but don't remember anything about it. It took me a few minutes to remember this was a separate entity from Danny Brown's "Really Doe." So I guess I don't mind this, which is enough for this to take provisional second place.

91) "Cut It," by O.T. Genasis ft./Young Dolph

As much money I would have put against the "In Love with the Coco" guy ever having another hit, I would have put even more money against me enjoying it as much as I enjoyed this song. I'm not gonna tell my grandkids about this song or like listen to it again, but it gave me three and a half minutes I mostly enjoyed.

90) "No Limit," by Usher ft./Young Thug

Usher is basically a dorky dad at this point in his career. You kinda knew he was spiraling into the dorky dad phase of his career when he started on The Voice, and his dorky dad status was cemented when he did an American Ninja Warrior course on Ellen (ANW being a healthy conduit for midlife crises), but he does a song with Young Thug, and it is clear that, okay, maybe the man who made "Yeah!" no longer 100% understands what's going on in this crazy world, but he's down to show us he can still party like he used to. Look at him dance! Betcha didn't think your math teacher could move like THAT, huh! Has anyone seen Thugger? Thugger? Thugger, where a -- oh, the -- Young Thug, what are you doing. No, Young Thug, come on. OK. I think we're all funned out. Get in the car. No dessert for you tonight, mister.

89) "Back to Sleep," by Chris Brown

In the interest of perpetuating the notions that protests are effective and that wrongdoers will be punished, I will be continuing my ban on willingly listening to Chris Brown. I'm still listening to "Waves," tho, but I also didn't exactly acquire that album, so I don't feel like I'm breaking rank with that. I understand I listened to a Kevin Gates album, and I will offer a defense of that action just as soon a -- /dashes away/

88) "Watch Me," by Silento

I really wish Billboard would make a rule prohibiting songs from appearing on year-end lists two years in a row. Like, OK, people were listening to this song in 2016, that's OK, but it was released in March 2015! This cannot be one of 2016's 100-most-iconic songs when it was a Song of the Summer contender in 2015!

87) "All the Way Up," by Fat Joe, Remy Ma, and Jay-Z ft./French Montana and Infared

this beat, though. I'd really like to know if that's synth or a real brass, because I can't find any liner notes for this track, and I can't get over the idea of someone picking up saxophone in fifth grade when they needed to start doing extracurricular activities, realizing they loved playing music, working their ass off to become a highly proficient saxophone player, getting to the level where they have turned the saxophone into their career, getting the call to come to the studio to lay down a track with Fat Joe, and then just playing two measures and it's the most popular thing they ever did.

86) "I Know What You Did Last Summer," by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello

The girl kinda sounds like Meatwad and the dude kinda sounds like Master Shake. There's a good song somewhere in here but jfc these muppet voices.

85) "Lean On," by Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft./MO

KEEP IT IN 2015. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

84) "Hide Away," by Daya

There was a time in my life where I could listen to a song like this and it would be appropriate, and that time was precisely 13 years ago. I think I have to knock on all my neighbor's doors and let them know that I am a 27-year-old who listened to "Hide Away."

83) "When We Were Young," by Adele

So okay I didn't realize I had listened to some dude do this as his The Voice blind audition, and I didn't even look up what this song was because I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN the dude was singing a Billy Joel song, and now that I know that I heard a cover of an Adele song and thought with absolute certainty that it was a Billy Joel song, I sort of understand why every Adele song leaves me cold.

82) "Pop Style," by Drake ft./The Throne

You know how sometimes, you'll watch some god-awful Dreamworks animated feature that thinks pop culture references count as jokes, and then you get to the end and it gives six different people a "written by" credit? This is why, when I hear a line like "Got so many chains they call me Chaining Tatum," I believe even harder that Drake has a ghostwriter. That line is the sort of painful stupid that only exists when a corporate committee tries to make a joke. Drake is basically if the social media presence of the restaurant Denny's learned how to rap.

81) "On My Mind," by Ellie Goulding

20 deep and we finally found a song I can fully endorse.

80) "Middle," by DJ Snake ft./Bipolar Sunshine

/adjusts glasses /clears throat um maybe turn down for this /bows

79) "Wildest Dreams," by Tay Tay

Man this is 2014 so EXTRA fuck this, but I'd like to say, before we move on from Tay Tay: I think we all know Tay Tay had a rough 2016, or at least as rough a 2016 as anyone could have had while still ending the year being worth tens of millions of dollars. Whenever she releases her follow-up to 1989, it will be overambitious, it will flop, it will be derided, and only overthinking morons like me will stay with it long enough to find its tiny triumphs. But the thing about Tay Tay is, she 100% doesn't need to be a pop star. The second the pop world is done with her, she's going to go back to Nashville, and those hicks will welcome her back with the openest arms imaginable. Her country comeback is already my favorite album of 2019.

78) "Sit Still, Look Pretty," by Daya

BOY AM I EVER NOT THE TARGET DEMO FOR DAYA. THIS FRESH TEEN HAS CORNROWS AND I AM NOT MEANT TO BE AUDIENCE TO HER BRAND OF GIRL POWER.

77) "Side to Side," by Ariana Grande ft./Nicki Minaj

This song gets a lot of goodwill for being the follow-up for the important Ari/Nicki masterwork "Get on Your Knees," and though this is a far inferior work, it does not squander the goodwill built at all.

76) "Lost Boy," by Ruth B

This is easily the second-best sad song with a Peter Pan theme I heard in 2016. Shout-out to Kelsea Ballerini.

75) "Antidote," Travis Scott

One of the things I will miss most about Twitter is the adventures of @dances and Leany, his Travis Scott ad-lib parrot.

74) "Say It," by Tory Lanez

The intro to this music video has two female characters with lines of dialogue, and I don't think I've ever seen a hip-hop music video come closer to passing the Bechdel Test. Anyway this song is nice! It's a lot like that other song I said I enjoyed but wouldn't remember, in that I enjoy it but probably won't remember it by the time I get to the next nice song.

73) "Hymn for the Weekend," by Coldplay

I didn't want to listen to this song, but I told myself I had to for the sake of completionism, and I just, I have so little life's time, and I spent four minutes with a song that I know is bad, that you know is bad, simply to report back to you that this song is, in fact, bad. I don't even have a joke. It's a Coldplay song. What could I possibly have to gain from listening to a Coldplay song in 2017.

72) "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd

I took this excuse to listen to this song again, even if it should stay in 2015, and I learned that they're still making Grammy nominee compilation albums. I still remember, there was one year my mom bought one of those Grammy compilation albums, and I was looking at the track listings, and somehow Bowling for Soup was on it? And I think about Bowling for Soup's Grammy-nominated hit "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" a lot, because it's a potentially problematic song. Like, when you listen to it, it sounds okay enough, it's just a young man recognizing that he's out of his depth with a young woman, recognizing his own flaws and trying to keep up. But then you remember what Bowling for Soup looked like? And the tone of the song is called into question. How can we be sure this song isn't about a young man bleating about how the young woman isn't working hard enough to appreciate him? If you could completely divorce art from artist, "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" would be an undeniable jam, but we cannot, we have to consider that Bowling for Soup left the house every single day thinking looking the way they did was acceptable, and we must consider the persepective from which they saw the song.

71) "Sorry," by Beyonce

One of the funniest things about Serena Williams' extended run of dominance at the top of the WTA is her "rivalry" with Maria Sharapova, because you know Serena is EXTREMELY AWARE that Maria Sharapova makes more from endorsements than she does, and Serena has made it her #1 mission in her tennis career to destroy Maria Sharapova’s credibility every time they meet on a tennis court. I don't think I ever saw Serena Williams play a better tennis match than the final at the 2012 Olympics, like I have no idea how Sharapova didn’t just retire after that match. One of my favorite stats is that Serena Williams lost more matches to Alize Cornet in 2014 than she has to Maria Sharapova in over a decade of head-to-heads. I don't have a comment about "Sorry," y'all know I love this song, I just want to point out the work Beyonce has been doing in getting America to appreciate Serena Williams, and to speculate on who the Maria Sharapova of the extended Beyonce universe is. It's not Tay Tay, Tay Tay is the Angelique Kerber of the EBU (one good year while Beyonce took a few plays off), but who's Beyonce's Sharapova? Katy Perry? They've never been in direct competition, but that might be it.

70) "Luv," by Tory Lanez

This was less nice than his other song.

69) "Down in the DM," by Yo Gotti ft./Nicki Minaj

When asked to summarize 2016 for future generations, I will play them this novelty trap single about sending nudes on Twitter. And then also apologize for the whole Trump thing. I miss snow, too. But "Snapchat me that pussy," tho.

68) "Sucker for Pain," by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons, w/Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft./X Ambassadors

That this song is actually coherent is a minor miracle. Honestly, I think you could stack three or four more featued artists on top of this before it really became messy. Also shout out to how apparently the lead singer for Imagine Dragons and the singer for X Ambassadors both have shaved heads and beards. This song didn't do enough to convince me those are two different bands.

67) "Unsteady," by X Ambassadors

My favorite thing in the world for years has been my Imagine Dragons cover band, Imagine Imagine Dragons. No one I have ever told that joke to has thought it was funny, but I only need one laugh.

66) "Close," by Nick Jonas ft./Tove Lo

I AM NOT A CRACKPOT: music videos with stuntwork in them should give the stuntpeople a shout-out in the credits. Stuntpeople should get more respect than they do. Like, the fact there's not even an Oscar for stuntpeople when every single movie is comic book nonsense is a travesty. Anyway this is an okay enough song about hot people who want to make out with each other.

65) "White Iverson," by Post Malone

To everything, no. How dare you.

64) "Die a Happy Man," by Thomas Rhett

I take issue with this guy singing the line "Between the bottle of wine and the look in your eyes and the Marvin Gaye." This dude has probably only listened to one Marvin Gaye song in his life, or at least he thinks he does, because this dude 100% thinks Marvin Gaye sang "Let's Stay Together." This is a song about a man who thinks a girl is hot and wants to have sex with her. Like, that's it. This isn't a love song. This dude is just extremely horny and made a slow jam about it.

63) "Ex's and Oh's," by Elle King

Please, my friends. I know losing this song will be difficult, but join me in pretending we do not walk the same earth as Rob Schneider. We have seen what distorting one's own reality has done for the other team. We will be happier in the shared experience we create for ourselves.

62) "Me Too," by Meghan Trainor

As long as this is what you wanted. As long as you can live knowing you have the power to choose how you live. It didn't have to be like this. But if this is the way you wanted it, then I accept that you have made a decision, and I wish you the best.

61) "In the Night," by The Weeknd

It's kind of amazing that The Weeknd released an album called Kissland and somehow recovered to become a legit star.

60) "Never Be Like You," by Flume ft./Kai

So before, my relationship with the music of Flume was, occasionally, some girl would appear in my "Who to Follow" section on Twitter with a cute avi and the display name "I'm Flume's bitch," and she was recommended because she followed people I knew IRL, and I said, "Hey, I'm like two degrees away from whoever that is." And now that I've bothered to listen to a Flume song, I now understand me and the girl from the Twitter recommendations box never could have been. :/

59) "For Free," by DJ Khaled ft./Drake

I downloaded the Snapchat app, but the first time I used Snapchat, it pointed my camera at me, and I knew immediately this was not an app I was going to use for long. And then I tried to figure out how to use it, and I realized that, by the time I figured out how Snapchat worked, DJ Khaled's Snapchat would have grown stale, so I deleted the app. Anyway here’s Drake, bleating as he ever has.

58) "Starboy," by The Weekend ft./Daft Punk

i mean this is just a fuckin' good song. i'm honestly sorta stunned it's in the middle of this list. i thought it was much bigger. these aren't substantive critical thoughts, but nothing else i've written is, so hey let's keep the party goin'.

57) "2 Phones," by Kevin Gates

This is probably the #1 songs in terms of hooks I have muttered to myself while switching my earbuds from my iPod to my phone after work because I work in a basement with no reception and also live in the year 2004 and need my phone and my music storage device to be two separate entities.

56) "Hands to Myself," by Selena Gomez

On the Wikipedia entry for this song, the "Composition and lyrical interpretation" section is four paragraphs long. This is a song in which a young woman whispers about how nice it is to have sex. The "composition and lyrical interpretation" section describes the song as "a come-hither about finding love through good and bad situations." Come-hither is not a noun. Remember earlier, when I lamented that I couldn't find out who did the instrumentation on "All the Way Up?" This information is available for "Hands to Myself," which is still, if you have forgotten, a young woman whispering about how nice it is to have sex. The song is in the key of E-flat major, yes hahaha major key that's right very good, and the tempo is 111 BPM. You ever just think about how much information is on the Internet, how much of that information is necessary, and how much information we decide to take in anyway?

55) "Oui," by Jeremih

I wasn't focusing on this song because I tried to copy and paste the flat symbol into the WordPad document in which I drafted this but it kept fucking up the formatting, which is an insane thing to think about given that I have to reformat this once I paste the words into tumblr, but I assume I didn't actually need to hear it beyond the immediate need of listening to some tunes for this piece.

54) "679," by Fetty Wap

The great and terrible thing about the absence of Punk Goes Pop compilations is that I think "Trap Queen" would have been an excellent pop/punk cover, but they would've given it to one of the screamo/hardcore bands. I'm still holding out hope for that Punk Goes Broadway comp, tho. Maybe if I write enough letters to State Champs, I can get them to cover "I'm Alive?"

53) "Exchange," by Bryson Tiller

"Next time around, fuck, I want it to be different." I respect this song for using fuck as a resigned interjection mid-song. As someone who describes his general aesthetic as "fuck, dude," I think it's a cool move.

52) "Gold," by Kiiara

Yo I dig this! I like how I could listen to this chorus for a million years and never be able to understand what she's singing. "Gold" by Kiiara! What's in there? I love it!

51) "Into You," by Ariana Grande

sometimes i think about "the way," and like i get why ariana grande is doin' what she's doin' now and i respect her and think she produces jams? but man, there were so many other directions she could have taken her career.

50) "We Don't Talk Anymore," by Charlie Puth ft./Selena Gomez

Two duets on this list so far, and they're both not great, but let's ask a question: what is the best pop/punk duet ever? Your contenders are: 1) "Vicious Love," New Found Glory with Hayley Williams 2) There is no two. I care deeply about pop/punk and find the fact there's only one pop/punk duet of note shameful. Do better. Thank you for allowing me this soapbox.

49) "H.O.L.Y.," by Florida Georgia Line

So we've had two bro country tracks on the list, and I have to think this is the last, and this is a really interesting echo. Chris Stapleton, a really unique artist who dropped a dope traditional-country album called Traveller in 2015, won that year's CMA for Album of the Year, which sent a signal to the world of country music: MORE LIKE THIS, YA YUTZES. So all of a sudden, you have the bro country asshats dropping nonsense like this to prove they're "real" artists, that they're about more than having a good time and oglin' babes, they could be Serious Artists. Except their definition of Serious Artistry is just Make A Ballad, forgetting that Chris Stapleton's "Parachute" is a wrecking ball of a song which still goes hard enough to anchor a truck commercial. (It is an important moment in a white trash boy's life, the first time he recognizes the country song in the truck commercial.) But country consumers aren't discerning, and they are happy to have just the slightest hint of emotional acknowledgement (not depth or complexity, just acknowledgement that, yes, emotions can exist, and are often even felt!), especially when paired with religious overtones. The two longest passages in this piece of shit so far have been me complaining about bro country, and I don't even care, bro country still needs to be stopped.

48) "Don't Mind," by Kent Jones

wow okay, that's a candid camera reference in 2016, i expected this song to be bad for a lot of reasons, but i didn't expect one of those reasons to be dated cultural references. y'all didn't you hear the song about using twitter to fuck? you can't honestly be on your candid camera game.

47) "Let Me Love You," by DJ Snake ft./Justin Bieber

I enjoyed that! Good job, everyone! Y'all crafted a nice 210 seconds, and I think this is the most accurately-placed song on the list! This was definitely the 47th-best pop song of the year.

46) "Never Forget You," by Zara Larsson, MNEK

So like the deeper I get into this list, the more I appreciate the seven minutes I spent with Daya, because OK that's clearly not for me? But at least her songs had a character which I could define as Not For Me. What is this. What am I supposed to be doing with this.

45) "No," by Meghan Trainor

dude same

44) "Let It Go," by James Bay

It took me a little bit to realize James Bay was a separate entity from James Blake, who himself is a separate entity from the tennis player. Basically I briefly thought I was gonna get a jam from the former ATP world #4. I didn't. I also briefly thought this might have been a cover of the Passenger song, though, so that's a plus.

43) "One Call Away," by Charlie Puth

About 15 years ago, Chingy made headlines when the video for his song "One Call Away" featured a performance from Keisha Knight-Pulliam, then and still best known as Rudy from The Cosby Show. The Wikipedia page for Chingy states that he has joined a group called the Black Hebrew Israelites, which is for African-Americans who believe they are descended from the ancient Israelites, which, as far as wackadoo religious beliefs go, is far from the most outlandish thing I've ever heard; the Bible never said that, when God parted the Red Sea, he did so in a straight line. It coulda been a curve. We weren't there. We don't know. The point is, Chingy's "One Call Away" is still the song I will most associate with this title, despite Charlie Puth's best... efforts? It’s hard to tell.

42) "Like I'm Gonna Lose You," by Meghan Trainor & John Legend

goddamnit, guys

41) "Controlla," by Drake

I always forget that Drake is just okay at singing, too. Not a lot of dudes can be just ok at rapping and just ok at singing. He's a rare talent.

40) "Same Old Love," by Selena Gomez

Like, this. This is why I appreciate Daya. Daya wasn't this.

39) "Here," by Alessia Cara

But Daya wasn't this, either. Remember this song? This was a great time! A 2015 track if ever there was, but hey, nice to be reminded this song exists!

38) "i hate u, i love u" by Gnash ft./Olivia O'Brien

god this is ponderous. take yourself less seriously, man. "wedding bells were alarms." what is wrong with you. you're a pop musician. listen to Bright Light Bright Light or Fleur East for fuck's sake, get over yourself.

37) "Jumpman," by Drake and Future

I could try to make a joke about how the song Jumpman had its name changed to Mario when it was released somewhere else, but man, that sounds hard. Please just acknowledge that I have demonstrated awareness that the video game character Mario was originally called Jumpman. Please appreciate my knowledge of pop culture fun facts.

36) "Dangerous Woman," by Ariana Grande

I guess the thing is, Ari can release songs like this all she wants, but that won't change the fact that the rumor she has someone who carries her around like a baby everywhere she goes is the most believable rumor in entertainment. Like, everything about that makes sense. It's perfect, and I'm never going to stop believing it, no matter how much leather she wears.

35) "Don't," by Bryson Tiller

OK I officially really dig this dude after he just said the word "skurt" instead of doing the high-pitched trilled-r version of the word. Like, he just said the word "skurt," probably because he can't trill his rs. I love that. This dude's cool in my book.

34) "Broccoli," by Big Baby D.R.A.M. ft./Lil Yachty

i will never know the feeling of stumbling into a time machine and suddenly finding myself 1000 years in the future, the feeling of walking into a world and realizing it has advanced far beyond my comprehension. i can only listen to this song.

33) "Just Like Fire," by P!nk

I looked at the list of #1 country singles to see how many women had scored #1 hits on the country charts. It was three, which was about what I was expecting, but one of them was Pink, who did a duet with Kenny Chesney, and it's just, I accept mortality? But that doesn't mean I have to like it. At least Pink is still dependable. This is minor Pink, but I'd hear the worst Pink song ("Get the Party Started") a million times before I heard "i hate u, i love u" ever again.

32) "The Hills," by The Weeknd

one year, one list

31) "What Do You Mean?" by Justin Bieber

ONE YEAR, ONE LIST

30) "Low Life," by Future ft./The Weeknd

Man, when you put yourself in a situation where you have to listen to a shitton of The Weeknd songs in a short span of time, you appreciate just how good he really is.

29) "Too Good," by Drake ft./Rihanna

So I accidentally clicked on a video of two white teens singing this song instead of the original version? But like I've always said Drake's music is best when interpreted by white teens (see: the late Christina Grimmie singing "Hold On, We're Going Home"), so I'm not gonna say this was a mistake. Oh wait this is a trap cover. Okay. I was not expecting that. Well.

28) "Treat You Better," by Shawn Mendes

So okay I kinda only said this child sounded like Master Shake because the girl in the other song sounded enough like Meatwad that I was willing to say he sounded like Master Shake for the sake of the joke? But see, when I listened to this song, even though this guy didn't sound like Master Shake again, I still heard Master Shake. Create your own reality. Alternate facts. Personal bubbles. We are kings in our heads. I choose to believe this song is a cover of “I Want Candy.”

27) "Roses," by The Chainsmokers ft./ROZES

This song is pretty much "Closer, Jr." Like if you're not ready for "Closer," this would be a way to get you prepared.

26) "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)," by Adele

hey guys adele's morose again, wow, such a powerful artistic statement, greatest voice of our generation

25) "Cold Water," by Major Lazer ft./Justin Bieber & MO

You know, 2016 was awful for a lot of reasons, but Justin Bieber was not one of them, and that itself is actually a reason 2016 was bad. Luckily, time behaves as we want it to, so the world knows to be better because we put new calendars on the wall!

24) "Hotline Bling," by Drake

come on

23) "Stitches," by Shawn Mendes

COME ON

22) "Pillowtalk," by Zayn

Okay real talk we've had our fun the last few years with Ariana Grande's enunciation, but, and I'm willing to concede that I just don't follow the right people, but how the fuck are we letting this dude slide. The song is called "Pillowtalk." He gets six quarter-notes to append the lk. Nope. He just shouts "PILLOWTAAAAAAA." This is unacceptable. Also I'm writing this to listen to the song, and I minimzed the WordPad window after writing the last sentence to check the score of an NFL-brand football game, and I saw a woman bleeding from the eyebrows. Bro, this is a song about how nice it is to have sex. Calm the fuck down.

21) "Heathens," by twenty one pilots

I don't get this and I have zero interest in ever getting it. The reward for getting it isn't worth the effort it would take to get it.

20) "Ride," by twenty one pilots

I have a headache

19) "Me, Myself & I," by G-Eazy ft/Bebe Rexha

see, you know this song is worthless because it omits the oxford comma from the title, something it shares in common with the beyonce song of the same name, which is hands-down her worst single. i'm not even going to listen to it. why should i? it already aligned itself against me.

18) "Cake by the Ocean," by DNCE

THIS IS THE BREEZY SUMMER JAM I HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR LIKE TEN SONGS, NOW. YOU HEARING THIS SHIT, ZAYN? YOU PAYING ATTENTION, GNASH? IT'S A SONG ABOUT EATING CAKE, AND MAYBE CAKE IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING BUT WHO CARES, THE SONG DOESN’T WANT YOU TO PAY ATTENTION, THE SONG WANTS YOU TO GET INTO A CHILL-ASS GROOVE. BLESS THIS FUCKING SONG. I don't feel compelled to acquaint myself further with this group and their works, but hot damn, if I can't get "Bad 4 Us" in the year-end Hot 100, this is an acceptabe substitute.

17) "This Is What You Came For," by Calvin Harris ft./Rihanna

Rihanna is the queen of songs where you just need one line repeated a million times for three and a half minutes. Also one of these days I'm going to figure out what I'm supposed to be hearing in a Calvin Harris song that everyone else is evidently hearing.

16) "Work From Home," by Fifth Harmony ft./Ty Dolla $ign

Having only seen two Fifth Harmony videos, I can say I have the utmost respect for what Fifth Harmony is trying to do with their platform. Bless these young women for committing themselves to putting a thousand hot sweaty men in their music videos. It’s important work.

15) "I Took a Pill in Ibiza," by Mike Posner

I was not expecting this song to be this. This is dope. It's the grooviest Medium post of the year.

14) "My House," by Flo Rida

I said this in a post about Eurovision or something, but Flo Rida has been making really good and trashy pop/rap singles for a decade, and his longevity is something we should be respecting. Flo Rida dropped "Low" the year Kanye dropped Graduation, and he dropped "My House" the year Kanye dropped The Life of Pablo. That is incredible. He's the Pink of the rap game. No one will ever write a think piece about him or think about his music longer than the song is being played, but he is a reliable dispenser of acceptable music. I love you, Flo Rida, for all you do.

13) "Needed Me," by Rihanna

"Pon de Replay" was released two years before "Low." Let's have a brief talk about how long Rihanna has been relevant. She's not even 30 yet! She won't turn 30 until next year! She's younger than Mike Posner, okay by like eight days BUT STILL! That's so incredible! And she has been doing the same thing the entire 12 years! Like, after the transition from "Pon de Replay"/dancehall Rihanna to "Umbrella"/pop megastar Rihanna, she hasn't really done anything interesting, just solid work on a million different songs! Consistency, man. I don't think there's one Rihanna song I could point to and say, "Now THAT'S a song!" or whatever, but I don't think there's a bad single in her oeuvre.

12) "7 Years," by Lukas Graham

There needs to be a happy medium between ZAYN saying "pillowtaaaaa" and this dude hammering every single sound like pronouncing every word correctly is the most important thing in the world.

11) "Cheap Thrills," by Sia ft./Sean Paul

Before I heard this song, I just sorta assumed that Sean Paul was trapped in 2003, where he belonged. Now that I have heard this song, I can confirm that he is trapped in 2003, but he doesn’t seem to mind too terribly. When "Get Busy" was a hit, Sia was on the Garden State soundtrack. That this song exists is a million miracles.

10) "Closer," by The Chainsmokers ft./Halsey

The definitive words on this song have been said, and I will only add that I'm stunned it's only the 10th-biggest song of 2016.

9) "Can't Stop the Feeling!" by Justin Timberlake

The thing about J Timbies is, we gave him a lot of credit for dropping "Cry Me a River" and winning the break-up with Britney, and he has been coasting on that credit for years. More people bought this song than the smash hit #1 single "Closer" by The Chainsmokers, featuring Halsey. This is just "Can't Feel My Face" by the nice white boy who made one good song 15 years ago. This is from the fucking Trolls movie. Say what you will about Despicabe Me 2, at least the franchise was semi-original, it had those adorable minions, it wasn't a pure cash grab, and it deserved "Happy." This is just gross.

8) "Don't Let Me Down," by The Chainsmokers ft./Daya

These dudes made "Selfie." What a stunning turnaround.

7) "Hello," by Adele

it's an adele song, i don't know what you want from me

6) "Panda," by Desiigner

i still don't understand why this song popped up on The Life of Pablo in its original form. Like, Kanye was just, "Yo dudes, I found this new track you guys'll really dig," and apparently we did?

5) "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

Like, I get it? Their whole thing? But I'm so fucking old.

4) "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake

There's a video somewhere of a small pig jiggling in time with this song, and I will not find this video, because it is the sort of thing I believe should only be viewed once and permanently burned into the memory. This song is important solely for that incredible video of the jiggling pig.

3) "One Dance," by Drake ft./Kyla & Wizkid

You know what I just realized? I thought many rap records were better than Drake's. I get why Tribe or De La Soul wouldn't make an appearance in the top 100, and I get that Danny Brown has little mainstream appeal, but like Q doesn't get any love on the pop charts? Young Thug only gets in with a feature on a goddamned Usher track? Not enough people listened to YG's "FDT" to make it explode? Drake is really the only rapper the kids like? I just, I wish I understood. And DANCEHALL Drake, at that, easily the worst Drake.

2) "Sorry," by Justin Bieber

1) "Love Yourself," by Justin Bieber

So basically, Justin Bieber did the child star bulshit we expected he would end up doing from the moment we heard “Baby,” and then we released some jams and we forgave him for being a shit, because that’s what we do, “Ignition (Remix)” made the world forget R. Kelly peed on a minor, “Love Yourself” could’ve gotten Biebs exonerated for any number on crimes. He couldn’t pee on a minor, it’s not like legendary, but vandalism and DUIs, hell yeah, “Lose Yourself” can cover that. But: did “Love Yourself” need Biebs to be “Love Yourself?” Did Biebs bring anything to that song that made that song what it is, or is “Love Yourself” a song that would still be killer even if they gave it to like Gnash or some other chucklefuck?

THE TOP TEN OF THIS GROUP OF 100, EXCEPTING THINGS I LOVE BUT STRONGLY FEEL SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED 10) “Starving,” by Hailee Steinfeld & Grey ft./Zedd 9) “Don’t,” by Bryson Tiller 8) “On My Mind,” by Ellie Goulding 7) “Gold,” by Kiiara 6) “All the Way Up,” by Fat Joe & Remy Ma ft./French Montana & Infared 5) “Cake by the Ocean,” by DNCE 4) “Starboy,” by The Weeknd 3) “I Took a Pill in Ibiza,” by Mike Posner 2) “Sorry,” by Beyonce 1) “Closer,” by The Chainsmokers ft./Halsey