#he's like “ok ill play along with their stupid friendship stuff”

[chrisrin]

Is karkat going to go through a similar arc as peridot?

Karkat's arc is a bit of a mix between Amethyst and Peridot, but both sorts of flipped on their heads!

The idea with Karkat is that he's a Jasper who woke up too early. Unlike Amethyst who woke up too late, Karkat emerges from his hole some hundred years before he's supposed to. The planet is incubating and not being super closely monitored because everything's all set and they're just waiting for the gems to grow. This leaves Karkat pretty much alone on a desolate, dark, dying planet.

He wishes for nothing more than to go back to sleep, he tries to crawl back into his hole multiple times waiting for consciousness to slip, but he can't go back to "keep growing" after he's emerged.

The longer you wait, the more your mind fills. It’d be wrong to call them memories, you didn’t exist before, so they can’t be memories. 

Purpose. What your purpose should be. You’re a Jasper, you’re a Quartz, made for war. You’re a soldier, you’re a warrior for Homeworld. You’re supposed to be big and strong, ready to fight for your creators, for your Diamond.

You’re supposed to fit your hole. You can’t.

So he makes a life of wandering the planet. It's cold and boring, so fucking boring, and he thinks a lot about what he could do. He thinks about how he's a failure to the Diamonds, swapping between fear of being discovered here and wanting nothing more than to interact and talk with another sentient being.

Unbeknownst to Karkat, another group of gems nears the Kindergarten. The Alpha Kids are a small group of rebel gems who stole a ship off Homeworld. Upon needing to stock up on supplies, Roxy locates an incubating Kindergarten that is long enough in its cycle for no gems to inhabit the planet, but early enough that they can still retrieve what they need. They land on the Kindergarten and Karkat eavesdrops, stunned to be witnessing actual living real people.

But Karkat realizes what they are, when he listens in and realizes that they're traitors.

He sees this as an opportunity. If he can turn these rebels in, then the Diamonds won't shatter him! He won't be a failure!

So he boards the ship, sneaking on as a stowaway. Roxy almost immediately finds him and it turns into that little scene.

Jane and Roxy convince Dirk to let Karkat live and stay aboard, and Karkat stays locked up in one of the rooms. He's like a little hissy cat, but he's also completely overwhelmed and overstimulated just being around things that aren't the Kindergarten.

With a lot of time and a lot of slowly building trust, Karkat starts to warm up to the Alpha Kids and eventually becomes a proper part of their squad.

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Chapter 21: Hello old love

Read chapter 20

It didn’t take a long time until everyone heard the news of Josh breaking up with her, and Anastasia made clear that she didn’t want anybody to take on Josh. She begged everyone not to being angry with him, which was a really hard thing to do since she hated him with all her guts. Having to go through all of this again got her head spinning for days, she felt ill, physically ill. She couldn’t leave her house for two weeks. At least Valentine gave her a reason to end the relationship, Josh didn’t say a thing. It was hard to understand, she wasn’t a bad girlfriend, she wasn’t possessive, she wasn’t a crazy jealousy girl, she gave him space when he needed and had sex with him whenever he wanted too, she didn’t treat him badly, or insult him, his parents liked her, Nick was nice to him, her mom not much but he seemed not to care about it. What happened?

After days of uncomfortable visits at her house and many moments alone staring to the emptiness and thinking about the break up over and over again it was Mandy who stopped the situation.

-          It’s enough! – Mandy said in the kitchen while storing the groceries she just bought in the cabinets – You need to stop it. You haven’t had a shower in four days, An! It’s enough! – Anastasia started to cry again – I’m gonna make you a nice pasta and we are going to drink wine and watch some stand up on Netflix to laugh our asses off, ok? – Anastasia nodded trying to wipe the tears from her face – But you need to have a shower first.

And so she did. She just stood there, letting the water droplets flow over her body, from head to toe, her dead arms on either side. She wanted to cry but could not. Maybe her organism had lost the ability to produce more tears. After what seemed like an hour she actually took the shower. When she went down the stairs Mandy had everything ready and after weeks in gloom, she finally smiled.

She and Mandy ate the pasta, drank the wine and watched a couple of stand ups. They made Anastasia laugh real hard, and at one point Mandy just stared at her.

-          What? – Anastasia said smiling.

-          You are laughing again – Mandy said and hugged her friend tight – I missed your laugh.

Anastasia looked at her friend and suddenly remembered Josh and saw him sitting in the same exact spot where Mandy was sitting on the sofa. Her smile disappeared.

-          I’m gonna miss him – Anastasia said – Here… I’m going to miss the sex.

-          You can still have sex – Mandy said combing Anastasia’s hair with her fingers.

-          Yes but Josh was pretty good at it – Anastasia said staring at the floor.

-          Top 5? – Mandy asked.

-          Top 1 – Anastasia answered without hesitation.

-          Wow – Mandy opened her eyes wide – We found a number 1, people – She started to clap and laugh.

-          He made me have my first orgasm – Anastasia said laughing too– You know… guitarist fingers.

-          WHAT?! – Mandy screamed - You spent more than a year crying for Valentine and he didn’t even make you have an orgasm?

-          Guess I’ll cry two years for Josh then.

-          I won’t allow it – Mandy hugged her friend – Besides there are a lot more guitarists out there, honey – Anastasia took a cushion and threw it at Mandy laughing.

-          Can you stay here for the night? I don’t want to sleep alone.

-          That’s what friends are for! But first - Mandy got up and walked to the kitchen – More wine.

For Anastasia it felt so good knowing that Mandy had her back, she felt the luckiest girl in the world having that pink haired girl as her support. Mandy was batshit crazy but her heart was pure.

The next day, Anastasia prepared herself to leave the house for the first time in weeks. She and Mandy agreed on going on a shopping spree. Spending money cured everything, at least in Anastasia’s mind. She parked her car and the two friends started to walk the sidewalk and doing some window shopping, then Anastasia fixated her eyes in a lovely couple walking towards them, they were smiling and looking at each other with love on their eyes and that made Anastasia furious. She remembered Josh again and how he looked at her the exact same way; the couple was getting closer and Anastasia was filled with rage when they passed next to her she couldn’t help it, she grabbed the girls arm and looked at her like she was crazy.

-          Is all a lie darling, never forget it – The girl tried to free herself from Anastasia.

-          Sorry she has mental issues – Mandy said and the couple walked to the opposite sidewalk.

-          He is gonna leave you! They all do the same! – Anastasia screamed.

-          What the fuck? – Mandy said laughing loud a lot – That was… - She couldn’t finish because they heard a female voice calling An’s name from behind, Anastasia begged the universe it wasn’t a fan and the universe answered… in a funny way.

They turned around and saw that was Kelly, Josh’s sister.

-          Kelly! – Anastasia said awkwardly. Kelly hugged her and Mandy tight.

-          How have you been? – Kelly said but before Anastasia could speak she talked again – Well that is a stupid question. I’m so angry at Josh for what happened. But that’s how he is, a stupid coward.

-          Don’t worry – Anastasia said trying to find the right words – You shouldn’t be mad with your brother.

-          Mom, dad and I had so much hope in you two. Man, we thought that he had finally found a girl that was worth it and what did he do? Fuck it all up.

-          That’s sweet but we don’t own the actions of the people around us. He must have had a reason to do it… and, well… it is what it is – She felt on the verge of tears again so she has to take a deep breath instead she introduce Mandy to Kelsey who shook hands politely.

-          I don’t want this to separate us! You two seem fun and amazing people and I hope we can hang out sometime.

-          We sure will! – Mandy said.

-          You are fun and amazing too – Anastasia added.

-          I don’t really want this to be awkward – Kelly said.

-          Come on! We are adults, it won’t be awkward – Anastasia said smiling and being a complete different person than she was minutes before with the couple but she really liked Kelly – What are you going to do right now?

-          Like now, now?

-          Yes! – Mandy said laughing.

-          Join us! We are going shopping and then we can have a couple of drinks, it will be a girls’ day out.

-          That sounds like a great idea, I was just leaving a couple of things at the dry cleaner and I’m free now.

-          Say no more! – Mandy said.

For many it would be an extremely strange situation to hang with the sister of the man who broke your heart, but for Anastasia it wasn’t weird at all, she found in Kelly a true friendship regardless of the fact “Asshole Josh” was her brother.

The three had a great time together and they even planned to see each other again soon.

One Tuesday, Dead Curse got together at the studio at Anastasia’s place, she had around ten songs written and she wanted to show them to the band. They loved them.

-          I need to be sad and in disgrace to write good stuff – Anastasia said playing some notes in the piano.

-          How have you been feeling? – Eric asked.

-          Well – Anastasia answered – Better than two weeks ago.

-          Glad to hear that – Nick said hugging Anastasia.

-          I miss touring – Mandy said suddenly.

-          Me too – Nick said also.

-          We will be playing in New York in almost a month – Eric said.

-          Yes, they at least left us the big shows – Mandy said.

Until then, Anastasia hadn’t thought that she would have to see Josh in weeks. Anxiety started to get over her body and mind.

-          I need to mentally prepare myself for that – Anastasia said – To see Josh again.

Nobody said anything else about that subject. Instead they tried to put music to the new lyrics.

 -          Do you think that the Chilies cut us out of the tour because of what happened with Anthony? – Mandy said to Anastasia one afternoon drinking coffee in a nice place near Santa Monica.

-          No – Anastasia simple said.

-          Maybe Josh?

-          He was worried for not hearing anything about us on the US tour leg so I think that decision was taken a long time ago – Anastasia said sipping her cup of coffee – By the way did you tell Peyton?

-          I will never tell Peyton that I cheated on him – Mandy said highlighting the word “never” with her voice.

-          Mandy! – Anastasia showed her frustration with her face expression.

-          In over six years I haven’t done anything like that. I won’t let it happen again so he doesn’t need to know – Mandy said with a worried voice – Please don’t tell Barbara either.

-          Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me – Anastasia’s phone started to ring, she looked at the screen, saw the unsaved number and put the phone down in silence.

-          You ain’t gonna pick it up? – Mandy asked.

-          It’s Valentine. He hasn’t stopped calling me – Anastasia had received at least thirty calls over the last three days.

-          What does he want? – Mandy asked another question.

-          I don’t know and we won’t know because I won’t answer his calls – Anastasia said.

-          Promise me – Mandy said looking straight to Anastasia’s eyes.

-          I promise you.

-          Pinky promise – Anastasia laughed and joined her pinky with Mandy’s.

-          We need to stop doing the pinky promise ‘cuz we look like we were fifteen again – Anastasia said smiling.

-          That’s fine with me because I feel OLD! – Mandy raised her voice when she said “old”.

Anastasia’s promise didn’t come along so well and the next day she couldn’t handle Valentine calls anymore and had to pick up the phone.

-          What do you want? – Anastasia answered the phone with exasperation.

-          I can’t take your face out of my mind since that night at the restaurant – Valentine’s voice was heard.

-          Yeah, that’s the effect I have in some people – she said sarcastically.

-          You sure have it on me.

-          Cut the bullshit, Valentine.

-          Listen, I know I hurt you a lot in the past and that’s been hunting me.

-          Good, I hope you feel bad – Anastasia said with half a smile.

-          I do and I want to apologize to you. I want to give you a proper apology. Let’s go and have dinner at that sushi place by the beach in Venice you like so much – She was stoic. She just couldn’t believe Valentine was actually apologizing to her.

-          There is no way in hell I’ll go out with you, especially with you having a wife.

-          I’m getting a divorce, she wasn’t what I thought.

-          Are you sure it’s not the other way around? You weren’t what she thought?

-          If you don’t wanna go out then come to my house – Going to Valentine’s house was a bad move for her.

-          No, I’d rather go out. I actually need it – She stopped, she didn’t want to mention the Josh breakup and she wanted a distraction even if was Valentine the one providing it.

Anastasia hung up the phone and what followed was the strangest feeling she ever had. She was excited to do something different. She was angry Valentine appeared again, she still missed Josh but on top of all she was scared, she knew the effect Valentine had on her and she was extremely afraid of seeing him and recovering all those feelings for him again.

But she made a decision and that choice was highly influenced by Josh. She thought that going out with Valentine may make Josh jealous. She was falling in an immature game, a childish action she tried to avoid, but with her maturity compromised she agreed to see Valentine.

She tried not to over dress herself, she wanted to make clear the she wasn’t there for him, she was there for herself. Maybe this date would give the closure she needed for that relationship and even for the Josh one. She picked flat navy blue shoes with a pair of blue jeans and a black shirt, simple enough to not give the wrong impression... to not give any impression at all. She drove to the sushi restaurant in Venice Beach by herself, the less amount of time she spent with him the better. Her plan was go there, hear Valentine’s apology, eat and leave. She walked to the terrace of the place and saw him; he was sitting looking to the shore and with that “angel from hell” aura. Valentine was the opposite of what Josh was, a business man that was always wearing tuxedo pants and shirts, the sleeves rolled up when it was an informal situation, like this one, shiny shoes, body build, blue eyes and –now- a prominent beard. She hated it.

He saw her, got up from the chair and a smile appeared on his face. He opened his arms to hug her but she walked by him and took seat at the table.

-          Do you really think that I want to hug you? – She told him without looking at his face.

-          Yeah, I was probably wrong – He said trying to find her eyes.

-          Totally wrong – She said.

-          I’m glad you accepted to come.

-          I couldn’t miss you saying you’re sorry – She said.

-          I’m trying to live a different kind of life – He said – Learning from my past to make a better future.

-          Good for you – She said at the moment a waiter handled her plate.

-          I hope you don’t mind that I ordered for you – Valentine said – I know what you like, crab, shrimp and lobster in tempura.

-          Don’t worry – “Fuck, he’s right” she thought.

-          As I was telling you, I owe you an apology. I treated you in a terrible way and our relationship was incredibly toxic for you. I changed – He continues – This divorce process has thought me that I needed to change the kind of life I was having.

-          Why are you divorcing? – She asked suddenly.

-          She only wanted my money – He said.

-          Why am I not surprised? – She asked again.

-          How are things with your guy? Is it a serious thing? – Nothing prepared Anastasia for such questions and for the first time that evening she looked at Valentine straight to his face. Why would he ask that?

-          Fine – She lied, she didn’t want that Valentine to know how miserable she was – Yes, serious, oh yeah! We are working on it.

-          I’m glad to hear that. I really hope he gives you everything I couldn’t – If only he knew that Josh was another asshole.

-          He does – She lied again – He respects me – She lied one more time trying to contain the tears.

-          Sure about that? – Valentine asked looking at her in the eyes.

-          Yes, it’s just… that I miss him. He is touring right now – Valentine smiled but he didn’t ask any further.

Valentine kept asking her about her life. He asked about Mandy, Barbara, the kids, the band and everything in between. He kept bringing up with a dramatic conviction that he was a new man and that he changed, trying to make Anastasia believe it but she wasn’t buying it. And in that moment she felt proud of herself. She was sitting there, in front of that man that hurt her so bad and she didn’t feel a thing. She didn’t feel compassion or pity, she didn’t even like him anymore. Valentine was now a stranger in her life. She smiled; she achieved what she proposed to close the Valentine chapter in her life.

-          I should go. It’s getting late – She said.

-          Yes, I’ll walk you to your car – He said getting up.

-          It’s not necessary – She said.

-          I insist.

Valentine took care of the bill and Anastasia saw him flirting with the waiter. He didn’t change, he never will. People don’t change.

-          Thank you again for accepting this – He said.

-          I accept your apology but I really don’t want to hear about you ever again in my life – She said next to her car.

-          Come on An, you know that we have this thing that will never go away – He said and Anastasia stood still, cold. She couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth.

-          Are you serious? – She asked – Valentine, I don’t feel anything for you anymore.

-          Sure? – He said and took her by the waist and pushed her towards him and then tried to kiss her. She pushed him away more forcefully that she intended to.

-          What the fuck? – She asked.

-          Why did you accept to come then? – Valentine said angrily.

-          I wanted to hear your apology – She said confused.

-          You always were this little teaser girl – Valentine was angrier.

-          The fact that I accepted to come and have dinner with you doesn’t mean I’m giving you a free pass to fuck me! What the hell, Valentine?

-          Fine – Valentine hit the hood of her car – Go and run to your new boyfriend. That won’t last anyway.

She stood cold again. All the memories of Josh breaking up with her filled her head again. This was such a bad idea, coming and seeing Valentine expecting him to be different than the monster he really his. She couldn’t say anything back and that made her enrage. She drove back to her house and called Mandy to join her. She wasn’t planning on telling anyone that she met Valentine but she needed help and fast.

Read chapter 22

[thewhirlingcloud-blog]

False friends

For about a while now I've been dealing with this feeling of massive insecurity. Now I'm not saying that the title is the cause of that, but having someone destructive in your life probably isn't going to help. So some context, the usual group of people I hung around with were my best friend (let's call her purple), my other best friend (call him green) and his girl friend (call her pink). Now for the record, at the start of this year we all got along, apart from pink having an issue with my best friend purple. Anyway, I guess the cracks began to show between me and pink when we were planning a day out at Christmas and green wanted to go out with pink, pink's bestie and I. Now I though seeing as pink was bringing her bestie along I'd like to bring mine along, but no apparently it would make pink feel uncomfortable. At the same time green said that he was sick of being a mediator between the two of us, which I thought was strange as before that we hadn't really had any issues. So that was issue one, in the end none of us went out and I ended up chilling with purple which was awesome. The next thing I noticed was whenever, me and pink had a free period where we would study togethor she started to avoid me, green told me she was ill but funny it was always the same time each week. Eventually I got the message. Now it's probably worth mentioning that because of pink not liking purple, it would usually just be me, green and pink hanging out and then I would hang out with purple on other times. Thats right I was a third wheel, but I'd never had a problem with that after all I didn't fancy green in the slightest, and I'd always said to pink that if I ever stepped on her toes she should tell and we would sort it out. But no. Nothing. Our friendship became one of me messaging her, me putting in all the effort while she did nothing and to be honest the constant comparison made by green between me and her made me feel awful about myself. It's like I was purposely brought along to make pink feel good about herself. There was this one occasion all three of us were out, and green joked "there was a time when (this guy) fancied u" and I sarcastically replied "wow I'm such a player", however he suddenly burst out " but of course there was a time when the entire school fancied pink". Now whether he was doing it on purpose or not, it hurt, I would constantly ask myself am I actually worth anything. Carrying on, me and pink hadn't spoken for weeks, I'd given up with trying to be her friend and she responded by silence, all this from someone who at one point I had considered to be one of my closest friends. My birthday was approaching and I'd decided I was going to see a show with them and purple. However, I didn't want to invite pink anymore, I felt that it would just be awkward seeing as we hadn't spoken for so long and also my mum didn't want to pay for someone who was practically blanking me. So I sent a message saying how I didn't want to force a friendship and how I wasn't going to invite her to see the show with me (my mum had bought me 4 good tickets), her reply was a simple ok. And the silence continued by now I was used to it, although now she was ignoring me school as well, but only when green was around, when it was just us two and I said hello she would reply. Then on the day of the musical as we were having dinner, I got a message (bearing in mind this was a month later) just "fuck you", no let's talk about the friendship, just a straight friendship over. Green spent another hour on the phone to her while we were at dinner. However, my friends (purple and another close friend let's call her yellow) were determined not to let it ruin our day so we had a lovely time at the show. However, now green is distant, he doesn't speak to me outside of our classes and only messages me when I message him. Our friendship is gone, and I've been replaced by a friend approved of by pink. It wouldn't be fair to say that all the problems between me and green had been cause by pink. We had been arguing about stupid stuff and I felt like he didn't respect me. He was always have to be right and then when I tried to speak up he would call me condescending just for having an opinion. We are both musical and he has always considered me to be better than him just because I've been playing longer than him, but I never felt like there was a difference we were both learning after all. A couple of times I snapped at him disappointed in myself and my own performance and he told me that I made everyone around feel bad and insecure. To my knowledge I never treated anyone like I was better than them. Many times I came home crying, and feeling terrible about myself, after trying to speak to him, he told me I needed help. I almost convinced myself I mental disorder when actually it was him, the negativity in my life. It's now a month after, and things have calmed down, I don't see pink at all and am an acquaintance of green. However, I have the closest friendship with purple, in a way this has made us ten times closer. I had two false friends in my life who would never bother with me and made me feel awful. Now, I have one best friend, no gang but a true friendship we build each other up, help one another and have fantastic banter. I'm so grateful that she stuck by me. So I guess moral of this one would be, it might be painful but don't try to be friends with some one who obviously doesn't care. The true friends are the ones who don't require you to put yourself down for them or to change yourself to fit their image, they accept you for who you are. You are a beautiful human being whoever is reading this, know that you deserve to be treated as such even if it's just but one person. Thanks for reading feels amazing to let this out!

[giulioswife]

Husband top 10 (6-5)

6. Tsunayoshi Sawada (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)

Ok, so, Tsuna. My love, my mafia husband (sometimes I think I shouldn’t use that expression exclusively with him considering I have more mafia husbands but anyway). I honestly ought to sing Kita no Dangerous because I agree with Haru in wanting to be called the wife of the Mafia Boss.

Look at this cutie and be purified.

So, Tsuna is a character that a lot of people find annoying, and honestly, I thought the same at the very start of the series. Dame-Tsuna has absolutely no good qualities. he is bad at everything he does, he is stupid, bad at sports and a coward. He can’t even confess to the girl he likes.

It was only obvious that someone who self-depracates to that point would reject joining a Mafia, specially as the boss. And oh boy he tries hard to be taken off the hook.

However, he isn’t as ill suited as next successor as ones might have thought. He is kind, tolerant, always willing to hear everyone out and to prevent conflict. Even though he believes his unable to do anything, he will be the first one to jump to help those who need it. Being a “weakling” for most of his life allows him to understand the position of those less favored and to search for the best outcome for everyone involved.

Call me a slut for shounen troops but I just definitely love the characters that love their friends and that become stronger when its about protecting them.

However he doesn’t just win because of the power of friendship™ or because some out of place overpowering (though well, there are the special weapons and there’s Nuts and stuff but like its a very fantasy shonen). He actually thinks in how to become stronger and uses his head to defeat his enemies.

Which comes with my terrible love for him when in the Death Will mode. A more cold-headed version of himself which lacks his usual nervousness and fear, he can objectively dissect the situation at hand and make the best of the situation to win.

It is also true that most of his flaws come from his terrible lack of confidence and are/can be overcome once he works on it.

I like the fact that they don’t take that lightly, and even though he shows a significant progress along the series, he still keeps some of those traits and might get some regressions at times. Double thumbs up for nice characterization.

So yes, let me be the wife of the Mafia Boss. 

5. Tetsu Moroboshi (Tokyo Yamanote Boys)

You know I absolutely love this game series because I have not only one but two husbands from it. And because I considered another 2 before dropping them But well, Tetsu? Tetsu wouldn’t be my to go boyfriend, or favorite fictional character... or most attractive character... However since I got to know him in his routes I truly believed I could marry him.

A megane, full fledged Edo’ko, son of priest and inheritor of a Temple in Ueno. He has the ability to sense and talk with supernatural presences. And he goes and asks date advice from them. Gg Tetsu. Btw, the little goddamn cute bow in the top of his head wavers from one side to the other when something supernatural happens.

His appeal point however, is not the supernatural part (who would say) but the fact that he is an oniichan type, always ready to help you out, listen to your problems and give you advice. And also the fact that he is a baseball player have I mentioned how much I love baseball because oohh boy. Clean-up and pitcher, he has an incredible sense of the game and has the spirit to carry all of the team figuratively on his back.

Good with children, and even better with his hands, he is good with wood works and makes for a great carpenter. He also has a big appetite (yes that’s extra points in my love-points system) and a warm BIG heart, he goes to great lengths to help those around him. In fact, an important part of his normal story is him trying to make a matsuri for the ghost of someone who was important for him.

He isn’t a romantic type and seems to struggle with remembering dates, finding cute presents or understand what a ‘normal’ date would be. Which I actually don’t mind in the slightlest since I don’t really like normal dates so much. In fact, the going together to the ground and learn to bat with him guiding you as he wraps you in his arms? Good shit man, 10/10. I knew it was love at that point.

On top of that, his toughts for the future are those of inheriting the temple settling down and having a family. His ideas of it might be seen as quite... old fashioned? But still resonated strongly with me.

“I’d like to have many kids and maybe a dog or two. We’d live in a big house at Ueno. I’d come back home after a long day at work to eat the dinner of my wife, play catch with the kids, watch baseball games together.”

Up to this day I still melt whenever I think about him and of that scene when he tells the MC about that. I’d definitely love to be the wife in that dream. Also kudos for the whole struggle deciding on the type of wedding in Fresh Ginger.

A laid-back, sporty, cheerful and yet protective and caring older-brother type with whom i could have a dream family? Sign me the fuck up. Of course he had to be in this list.

[isaacathom]

i dont /think/ the politics of the setting plays a huge role in the story, barring the effect it has on characters in a cultural sense (mostly re: Rien and Warzen). not unless the gang kidnaps a princess or something. it could play interestingly into the whole two gangs thing.

 since most of the story is spent tracking down Rien’s gang (Gang A) and then after the revelation that Saval was a Huge Fucking Liar, it swaps to the group trying to track her down (both for answers and because shes still a criminal and she straight up escaped). and maybe even that was tied into the plot. That Saval’s whole point, really, was to sufficiently distract the city/royal guard from focusing on the Hounds of Fovenis and making out Gang A to be the big villains. so the guard devotes its resources to fucking over Gang A, while the Hounds get ready for the real heist - royalty. while the guards off fucking around with random Gang A necromancers, they can just waltz in and kidnap members of the royal family and demand that $$$. a flawless plan.

except then Saval get found out. because one of the members of Gang A turning themself over and helping bring them down was not on the cards. Rien was a complete unknown factor. Koci and her justice god were unknown factors (sort of). Warzen was definitely an unknown factor, because Saval didn’t know he existed (cause, yknow, separate jails). and Saval didn’t get any pre-knowledge about Rien being an issue until Rien was supposedly murdered (the Hounds had faulty information - they assumed Amali was Rien) and Rien was chucked in the guys jail anyway. so. yknow. cool.

so Saval gets found out to be a liar. That she’s not from Gang A. how they figure out she’s a Fovenis plant instead is... hmm. not sure on that front yet. maybe its just simple process of elimination - if she’s not a member of Gang A, but she had all of this information, she was probably a Hound, and so forth.

so Saval fucking bolts. she fucked up real bad. they were almost ready to get big, but now theyre going to be under scrutiny. so she thinks, a) save my own ass and b) save my gangs ass. she leaves a trail. she plans to lure them out of the city if she can. get as much of the royal guard trying to track her down as possible. commit a bunch of random and dangerous crimes to make her a credible threat to society, etc. what else can she do???

but Saval probably falters. she’s spent a solid while with this specific group, the main cast. theyre friendly. they trusted her. and that was stupid of them. theyre stupid. but they were like... genuine about it. yknow? like they were neat. she liked hanging out with them.

and so of course the people that end up finding her are her friends. and after some fighting, she cracks. she ““accidentally”” outs the Hounds plan to kidnap royalty, which would send the region into some reaaaal chaos. cause. yknow. royalty??? especially if theres an assassination involved. which there likely is. the hounds dont fuck around. like their plan is basically to murder most of the royal family and scarper with a princex or two. everyone scrambles. the south rises. all that fun shit. makes sense to me that the hounds might be southern aligned.

then i guess the group (preferably + saval, but the logistics of that are.... complicated? disguises are possible though) races back to foil it. i dont know if they were fully succeed in that. someone probably does get straight up murdered. but they manage to mostly foil it. 

the alternative, at least in part, is to have Saval be directly betrayed by one of the Hounds. Flat out betrayed. set up. she was the fall guy. the plan, as far as she knew, was that the Hounds were going to break her out of jail just before the plan went into action, and she’d return into the fold seamlessly. that they’d put her back in her rightful spot. that she’d be back in control instead of at their whims (since her spot as the plant relies on the other hounds to do their jobs properly). and then they just dont? or something? she thought she’d be rewarded for her service to a gang she was literally born into, and that were her family, and they declined. they had no intention of breaking her out. she’d served her purpose. maybe before this mission she’d failed. she’d made mistakes. and they’d framed this mission, the long haul Gang A Plant, as a way for her to return to their good graces. but it was a suicide mission the whole time. a dead end. she wasn’t getting out.

the issue with that is that, while it basically makes sense, especially if they think lowly of Saval’s skills, is that idk how to like.... have that come up. as a way to fully convince Saval to help. without it, Saval’s only motive to urn on the Hounds is her friendship with the group, and that wouldn’t get them far enough as to convince her to fight with them against the Hounds. it would convince her to ““accidentally”” spoil the plot. which is tantamount to a full betrayal but idk, maybe they wouldnt figure out she’d done it. i mean she IS fucked either way. cause she failed. plus betrayal, ooh baby, she’s a dead ‘un, yknow? so maybe they could convince her. Rien would be a good candidate for doing that, since Rien is the only other person who is actually like, a Proper Crim (unlike Koci “i didnt want this” Farmer and Warzen “I just wanted to revive some friends” Eliodan) and would figure out how it works. besides, rien did basically experience what Saval will. if the Hounds let Saval back in, they’d execute her not long after. They’d send her to a routine job and then cap her in the head. Rien literally just had that happen (except Rien didn’t die, obviously, but the general event remains the same).

so Rien, presumably having basiiiically forgiven Saval for unwittingly setting up Rien to get murdered (its complicated), convinces Saval that if she thinks the Hounds will reward her for this, then shes the fucking idiot, not them. Because they won’t. If they don’t just kill her at the start, they’ll quietly dispose of her while she’s asleep, or while she’s on the open road. They’ll dispose of her. Failure is unacceptable to them, and Saval failed. So basically Saval’s only options are to Run, or to turn herself in and hope that the police can keep her safe.

Saval takes both. Saval agrees to help them get thwart the Hounds’ plan, and while everyone’s like, celebrating or some shit, she slips away. makes sense.

i think that would pretty much work? theres nothing wrong with the story being a smaller scale, but having Saval be the final boss would be.... weird. because she’d be really obviously less powerful than the other 4. they’d win. it wouldnt be challenging in any way. it would keep the story more.... like, personal, and thats fine too, right. i like that sometimes. but i feel like it needs a little more. plus, i could likely tie in the whole thing with the royalty with Koci. since she still has a pact in the air. the god fulfilled their end (p much), now its Koci’s turn. or something! im gonna have to think about it. esp since justice isnt omniscient and wouldnt know the royals are in danger for any certainty. maybe the pact is a bit more vague. like “if you enact justice. we’ll be good” “what the fuck does that mean” “uhhh do good things. protect people. right wrongs. save lives and shit” “arent i already doing that???” “yea but you gotta balance out what i did for you. equivalent and stuff” “huh.”

cause i guess the thing is that, without Koci knowing her pact, she probably would never do enough. its likely that if she switched too many times, they stop letting her leave, and now she cant even DO any justice. so she couldnt break her pact, and so forth. and if she knows her pact is to like. right wrongs and shit, or something, then she can convince them to let her keep coming along despite the risks, because it migh also set her free. and stuff? yea. especially as she communicates more w/ her god and they start working together more effectively. or something. again pacts are unclear as shit.

like i guess the issue with Koci’s pact is that not only was she brought back to life, BUT also that this happened so she could destroy the cultists. and then she went further. and it got a bit messy. and justice was lost. idk. maybe justice’s pact was basically ‘ill kill the cultists if you fuck over some people who have wronged me’ ‘do you know who they are?’ ‘not really’ ‘oh dude thanks youre a great help’.

idk. justice might be hard to work in to it in a way that feels satisfying or that couldnt happen without her knowing the pact. perhaps vengeance would be better? then its like, ok, i helped you get revenge. now help ME get revenge. but because Koci can’t talk to them (yknow, language barriers), Koci can’t do that. she can’t find the right people. but once they start talking, Koci figures out she can probably get what they want by continuing to do this whole main gang thing. the people they want fucked over are PROBABLY part of Gang A, right? she’ll work hard to keep fucking them up! and so the god agrees, because that makes sense, and gives her more control, which allows her to stay in the group (without the control, she’s a liability. with the control, she’s an asset) to work towards the goal.

except they arent part of Gang A. because Gang A just... doesnt do that? probably necromancy stuff. ok correction, they do, they do have a necromancer, but one who started doing that AFTER the Koci incident and therefore after the pact. and was not the goal. rather, their goal was someone from the Hounds. who i guess gets involved with the whole palace thing??? uh. ok this isnt Great. i do need to find a way to connect Koci’s pact to the story though. I’ll think more on that laaaaer??? hh

[aswadsofa-blog]

First

I am not writing this with the hopes for people to read it.. i am writing it more to get things out of my head that are either stuck there or got lost and randomly come back.  i think i am hoping for it to be therapeutic to some extent.

i used to have livejournal and stuff when i was young.. like 11..12.. xanga.. that stuff, writing stupid things, posting stupid things, more as a trend.  

i have many experiences, leading to how i got to how i am now.. and which make a part of how i will be tomorrow and the next day. sometimes i think it is natural to ask yourself, how did i get here? how did i let things happen?

as a practicing muslim, “how” “if” “what if” .. i have learned by guidance these type of thoughts and questions are very toxic to your brain and mind.. and my mind has never really been a, to the normal, a healthy place.  

it might be odd after the stories i write in here to say i am a practicing muslim.. there was a time where i had no idea what life was about and was searching and depressing myself more then my already natural stage of depression and anxiety.. but oh god i cannot praise god enough for things and every thing... my outlook.. after my experiences.. some people are entitled but they never learn.  things cannot be learned without experience.  i am not justifying some of the things i have done at all.. but they have taught me things that have giving me a better understanding of life and after.. but after saying that-- i am far from wise.. and i still have a long way to go..

i was telling my brother a story recently, i don’t see him too much, but i am comfortable with him more than anyone and i have no idea what made me start telling him this one story, but i started going on in pretty much detail-- and he mentioned “you should start a blog” or something along the lines of that.

the problem with that is my experiences i have tried very hard to get away from my head and thoughts, but they pop up like an acid flashback, it could be from all the acid and hallucinogens i was doing at one point, i don’t know, i’m not a neurologist or a doctor of any sorts.. but my stories wont be in any order.. which i guess would be a problem if this was meant for people to read and get interested in.. but it’s not..

i was a digusting terrible drug addict . i use past tense since i am not actively using, although i have been medicated since my last use of hard drugs, which i would love to stop, oh how i would love to stop, but once you stop the medication that body sickness comes back and then you wonder is it worth it? and i am not ready for that sickness.  i have an autistic toddler who i need to give full attention to, and i feeel sometimes i use this as an excuse but oh god i wish to come off this medication at some point. i don’t consider myself a a drug addict and i don’t like using the term “recovering” i used that for a while when i first got clean by medication for a period, but i don’t even consider myself recovering.. even if i technically am, whatever.. i just am.  

my drug of choice was heroin, heroin was my #1 over anything.  heroin became me, actually, he took over me.  he was my family, my lover, my friend, my drive, my job, my life.  i knew i cared about other things, but he did not want me to, he is very ... clingy, i guess.  (he = heroin).  why? why did i start it? it could have to do with genetics, but i don’t like to think that, but i might be.  my father immigrated to america and loved drinking.  i am sure he probably dabbled in other stuff during his time.. but i don’t know for sure, and i am not sure if it was an addiction, but maybe it was i don’t know.  so maybe my body already had some shit wrong with it.  both of my parents had actual depression, the chemical imbalance.. so this is something i was born with surely.  i didn’t really know even what depression was until i like 17 years old.  when i was young, 4-5, i would have anxiety attacks and i never knew what it was until i was grown.  i have other family members that had drug problems, so it’s not like addiction was something foreign to me.  i knew about it pretty well.

when i was 12 i used to listen to music where it was cool to be straight edge, so i was like yeah i don’t drink or use drugs.. but i was only so young so... i didn’t have even a chance really.  i was always friends with kids older than me, my best friends were 14, 15.. and one of them lived down the street.  she was a grade higher than me, and i think she was 14 or 15 when i was 12.. she smoked cigarettes like crazy, and she dated guys over 18.  oh this girl.  but we were friends, and my family thought she was a nice girl i guess.  i didn’t even curse before and during the start of my friendship with this group of people.  i remember one night she had high school kids over and they were smoking weed and i smoked with her, and then it became like a regular thing.. 

something happened, i can’t remember what, but i was embarassed of it and then until into like freshman year i didn’t touch drugs or drink, i think i just smoked some cigarettes maybe.  

then really i have no idea what the changing point was, maybe the depression, maybe the lifestyle, but i became smoking weed again, drinking sometimes you know at parties.. i tried coke freshman year, i liked it but it didn’t become an addiction.  my doc was weed and that was it, didn’t really like drinking too much either.   i started dating this guy who hated drinking and smoking and i stopped for a couple years during that relationship... but then at the end i started drinking at parties and smoking weed again regularly  which ultimately ended our relationship, he did not like the lifestyle i was going towards.  

after that, i had freedom to do more.. i was working in the mall at a sub-culture type store and i had started taking acid regularly and weed was constant.  i started getting synthetic hallucinogens from people in asia and took them.  i would trip constantly.  

some point in this my dad started getting sick, and i was very heartbroken over it, i love my dad a lot, and i think now, if i love him why would i have done this stuff? i was fucking stupid obviously.  anyway.

these trips brought me light on things and also brought me to a dark place.  i started taking opiates, pills, and every once in a while would snort some coke or heroin, but pills were more available for me at this time.  but still prefered weed.  a doctor prescribed my xanax for my anxiety attacks and i was taking them not to get high, i never was able to get high off them, i still don’t know how people do, but they did definately almost kill me a couple of times when mixing them with heroin,,, but that’s for another story. my anxiety at some point got so... fucked, i don’t know another word.. i hated going around people, i hated going to school, i pushed away my friends.. and i didn’t really tell any of them about anything.. we would hang out, it would be normal, but my feelings were my feelings and i didn’t bring them really to anyone else.. 

at some point i moved out of my parents house, to the city, where drugs were readily available.  at this point i  was using heroin a bit more regularly, but i still was snorting it.. still smokng weed.. still drinking.. tripping, but not as regularly.  was muslim at this point, but i wasn’t practicing.. but i would pray to god to help me.. you know .. but my life i was living was still a sin.   i started working a good job and i made friends.. and i had more money, and i partied more, and i then i started shooting the heroin, and sometimes shooting coke.  even that statement right there put a knot in my chest thinking about it.  it made me think of this time my best girl friend and i were at a party with our co workers and we kept running off to the bathroom to do the heroin.. her and i would go to the park and snort it in front of people like it was nothing, and they didn’t even realize it.. one person did, i remember that, but we played it off and said it was just coke and he was like oh ok that’s fine it’s just coke hahahaha... her and i were always together day and night.. i was comfortable with her, 

this girl and i were exactly the same person, i loved her to death, her i and after a bit even started relationships with two guys who were best friends, we were always together, at work, after work, but the problem was we started to become ugly junkies together.  her boyfriend liked shooting coke always with his heroin, which got me into really liking doing them together.  oh god that feeling, oh god.  when it goes through your veins, that is what makes it addictive.. 

she moved far away with her boyfriend for a job they were offered, and i was living with my boyfriend but we broke up, and i think that was how i became a toxic junkie.  i didn’t have someone next to me, or doing it with me in a loving way i guess, i stopped caring about everything around me, i didn’t care about work, unless it was to get the money to pay my rent and to get my drugs, i wasn’t eating a lot, but luckly i was working in restaurants at this point so i didnt’ have to worry about paying for food anyway. my mom was helping me out a lot.  i was a piece of shit.  my life was all about drugs.  i was in school and working, and then i stopped going to school.. and i stopped working, because i was so into my habit i couldn’t be responsible anymore towards these things.  

the point where i stopped working i didn’t have rent money so i ended up moving in with my parents again, and i was going to school in the citty a couple days a week.  this only lasted 3-4 months.  my fathers illness was killing me to live around, i was spending hundreds of dollar a day on drugs.  where the fuck does that money come from? i wasn’t paying rent or bills anymore, and i had some money left.  and i kept saying i am going to stop, i am going to stop.  my brother knew at the time i think i was using, but my mother was in denial and my dad i think he knew too but his brain was all fucked up from his illness that even if he did know he wasn’t going to say anything or he didn’t want to say anything because he wasn’t sure if HE was hallucinating or not, and he loved me so much, my dad.  never will anyone ever love me like he did.  i swear to god, if any of his other children were a drug addict and in the position i was , my father would have literally KILLED them, but he was in love with me.. and i pray his soul is resting in heaven now and i repent for caring more about the drugs then him.  that isn’t what it was, even thought it was what it was.. i didn’t want to remember this person that loves me so much is withering away.. so let me just shoot some heroin and feel good.  

i had someone who wanted to marry me, he had no idea i was an addict, the only people who knew i was an addict was the people who i told or who saw me.  my brother found me a couple times out with a needle stuck in my arm, so he knew, but my mom “didn’t know” and others didn’t.  

i am missing a lot from this story, but it is a basis so maybe the other stories will make more sense.

so this guy i pushed him off for a year, but after the few months of living in my parents house again i was going crazy, i told my brother i couldn’t handle it anymore and if i didn’t die soon from the drugs i was going to kill myself.  i told my mom i was an addict and she tried to get me help, but it didn’t work out.  i convinced myself if i got married that would help me, because i would have something.. and at some point it did.. after getting married, my husband found out almost right away i was an addict and after 3 months of marriage, i got put in a program, but i also was pregnant.  but thank god for that.  almost 2 years i was in this program, but i came off too soon and relapsed.  and spiraled out of control about another 6 months of drug use, $5,000 worth of drugs in less than a month, i don’t know how i let that happen, my son was young but not so young.. and i loved him but i had disappeared twice during this 6 months, leaving my son without me.  oh god, how fucked up was that of me? oh god, how could i do that? heroin really is mind control... you choose to do it, yes, this is your decision, but the monster it makes you.. oh god it is fucked up!! i don’t know what i was thinking, i was being selfish.  my husband and i were fighting a lot and i wanted to feel good, because that was the only outlet i knew at the time.. i knew that when i felt bad, heroin would make me feel good.  so i started again with the heroin and coke . i thank god i found somewhere to help me and god gave me the power to see what the fuck i was doing.

during that whole time up until that relapse, where i almost lost my family and son, i honestly don’t think i was thinking how fucked up i really was.  i knew that what i did was bad, yadadada, but i don’t think i was taking it seriously.  i wasn’t ready to come out of the program, and i did, and i was around fucked up people, god i fucking hate people .  i am not blaming it on them, but addiction is a hard thing, and when you are around other addicts it doesn’t make it much better.  it was a good thing that i was in that program, because it intitially got me off the drugs, but being around those people made my mentality of life fucked up.  how can the state think it is helpful for addicts to be around other addicts with addict mentalities? i don’t know.. but what i do know, is that since that last relapse, i have not been in programs, and maybe once a month i talk to a psychologist, i take some medication, yeah, but i am not around any people.  i am around my son and my husband, who i thank god for putting up with all of this fucked up shit i did.  i’m not around addicts.  “my kids mean everything to me” god when i hear them say that, i know it is bull shit, because being around other addicts you will never get that fucked up mentality out of your head.

thank god i am away from this shit addiction is hard getting away from it is hard getting your mind back is hard i thank god for this i swear .. i am not where i should be, but i thank god i am where i am.. i can’t say it enough.. i can’t think it enough!

so.. i know i missed a lot of stuff.. which could be useful in my stories.. but it is the basis for the stories that i will randomly remember and put in here.. the stuff some people could never imagine, the stuff some people know about but never seen, the stuff that i remember and want to punch myself in the face for, the stuff that i thank god i saw and i thank god i have the mind to use it to learn from it, instead of continuing being a worthless piece of shit...tales of depression, anxiety, addiction and life!

anyway

this is enough for now

i didn’t even get to put any stories , but i will

bye for now