#he's got that 'emotionally distant until it counts' vibe

[sweetcantae]

also yoongi is the dad don’t @ me

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Rating Dads in Naruto

Fugaku: 3/10. The emotionally distant father we all know. Did not cry when Itachi murdered everyone in their clan, did cry when Itachi got a girlfriend. Told Sasuke he was proud of him one time (but only when Itachi was busy). 

Hiruzen: 1/10. Loved Asuma, probably. We can guess. Put his other kid AND child-in-law in the Murder Corps, even though they had a baby. Not especially clear if his other child is even alive or dead??? It’s hard to be more emotionally absent than Fugaku but Hiruzen spent almost no quality time with any relative other than Konohamaru, whom he literally named Village Boy. Simultaneously everyone’s father and no one’s father. He should probably get 0 for his orphan policies but he gets 1 bc that’s a government thing not a parenting action. Had a couple of parental moments with Iruka, at least.

Shibi: 7/10, came to rescue his son in Part I. Tried to keep both Shino and Torune away from Danzo in the anime. Has solid dad vibes. -3 simply because filling your child with beetles like they’re a maraca frightens me.

Hiashi: -6/10. Cannot think of a single reason why anyone would want Hiashi as a father. Outright awful to both of his daughters, but especially Hinata. Withheld Neji’s last parental message from his father until he publicly aired their clan mess out in front of everyone. I guess he didn’t put a caged bird seal on Hanabi but if that’s your metric for success the bar is so low it’s subterranean. 

Hizashi: 5/10, wanted a better life for his son than he had. Died for Hiashi though, which is a mistake on anyone’s part. Probably should’ve given Neji that letter himself.

Choza: 8/10, spends a lot of quality time with his son, protected him, taught him jutsu, reassured him he would find love. Shamed Choji a bit for having bad ninja instincts, but to be fair, at the time, he did. The -2 is mostly for early Naruto when he is in the anti-Naruto mobs. Not a good example for the kids.

Shikaku: 6/10, kind of emotionally distant and only shows his love through board games, but there in his own awkward way when it counts. I would not throw him out at Dad-Mart. 

Inoichi: 22/10, I love his ponytail and his definition of “optimistic love” is Sakura and Ino’s relationship. Also taught his daughter a lot, but the ponytail and wlw rights are enough for me to justify my rating.

Rasa: -10/10. You know why.

Dai: 9/10. Amazing dad. Remained a genin, the safest ninja career. Instilled values of love, perseverance, positivity and self-expression in Gai. Literally died for his son. Incredible 80s energy. -1 for teaching a baby a self-destruct jutsu.

Sakumo: 7/10, maybe should’ve tried some ninja therapy, bc his death was super traumatic for Kakashi. But seemingly had a good handle on the single dad thing when Kakashi was a young boy, encouraged Kakashi to become friends with Gai, and literally waited in Ninja Purgatory for like 20 years just so he and Kakashi could have emotional closure. Get you a dad as dedicated as that. Definition of “here for a good time, not a long time.” I also like his ponytail.

Minato: 4/10, one for each minute that he was a dad. Really good at speeches and hugs but he put Giant Weapon Pet in his newborn and then was gonna avoid single parenting via death seal even before he was impaled. Bruh. I forgive him for 38% of it because he’s handsome.

Old Dads R Us (Butsuma, Tajima, Hagoromo): -12/10, they all have stanky dad energy. Butsuma and Tajima try to use their kids as spies and make them fight to the death. Hagoromo describes his kids as genius and a dunce, and then leads them to fight through multiple cycles of rebirth. I know it was like, the Ninja Middle Ages or whatever, but they could each write a book on cultivating dysfunctional family dynamics.

Kizashi: 10/10, has a questionable hairstyle and even more questionable jokes. Barely canonical, but still a better influence in Sakura’s life than almost any other biological dad on this list. Is Sasuke’s father-in-law, which is the funniest fucking dynamic I can think of. I can think of no reason to knock points off. We stan.

Iruka: 10,000/10, the reason Naruto knows what love is, and therefore why the entire Ninja world knows what love is. Spends quality time, teaches Naruto values, tries to protect him, and literally acts as his father in the wedding. Doesn’t need genetic relation to radiate Incredible Dad Energy. I love him.