#he's done nothing wrong btw he's just getting the justice that was denied

[elitehoe]

No like y'all don't understand there was a light in Hangman's eyes that I haven't seen in so long like I could cry he was genuinely having the time of his life and that's all that matters ever

[everseeking]

hi!! i just got done reading ur dating headcannon for armin and was wondering if you could do the same for levi? thank u <3

- hello !! thank you so much for requesting i appreciate it a ton ! i’m so glad you asked for levi, i’ve been waiting to do his headcanons. hope i can do the little big man justice :)

levi ackerman dating headcanons

- levi ackerman x reader

- this man cares about you SO much

- a lot of people are kind of scared of the infamous captain, but you get to see the real him

- he doesn't drastically change around you or anything. he still makes is awful jokes about shit and butts of course, but you find him to be endearing

- despite his busy schedule, his mind is always filled with thoughts of you

- he also makes sure to spend as much time with you as he can

- before you've permanently moved into his cabin, you definitely sneak into his room a lot

- when he hears your "special knock," as you call it, he rolls his eyes and walks over to let you in

- he's just being dramatic btw. he's been expecting you all night and wants nothing more than your presence

- during your waking hours, you're often times the one to initiate cuddles

- he tells you that he's supposed to meet with erwin but as he's walking by you to leave, you grab his arm and pull him onto you in the small sofa in his quarters

- he complains for a moment that he has somewhere to be, but he makes no efforts to get off of you

- if anything, he relaxes himself, letting the side of his head lay against your chest as he listens to your heartbeat, as well sneaking his arms underneath you so he can hold your torso

- this, combined with your fingers running through his hair, is enough to make him even forget who the commander was

- however, when it's time to go to sleep, he's the one to initiate cuddles

- he pulls you close to him and places his hand in your hair so he can hold your head close to him while the other arm wraps around your waist

- he loves holding you

- when he's not resting his head on your chest while you're holding each other, he likes to have you lower than him so he can rest his chin on the top of your head

- occasionally after a rough day (for him or you) he lets you hold him, but he prefers to hold you (although he can't deny that he feels a new sense of safety in your arms)

- alright now grab your favorite drink and meet him for tea time right now

- you can bring whatever beverage you’d like, but you need to take a moment to have a drink with him

- you learn how to brew his tea just the way he likes it

- this was the moment when he knew you were the one

- kidding, but he really appreciates this

- he learns how to help you with your favorite drink, whether it’s squeezing fruits for fresh juice, brewing the perfect cup of coffee, preparing you your own cup of tea, or even knowing your ideal temperature for a glass of water

- your relationship is founded on trust

- he's had some issues in the past, but the fact that he is able to trust you completely let's him know that you're his soulmate

- speaking of his past, you're also one of the few people he can open up to about that

- although your heart breaks with every word, you still listen deeply and offer him your unconditional love and support

- he of course does the same for you, no matter what kind of past you had

- he doesn't care about your height. like, at all.

- you could be a foot shorter than him, the same height, or two feet taller and he wouldn't care. he loves you for you

- the only time he gets insecure around you is when he sees how easily you're able to get along with everyone else

- it's not that he's jealous of anyone close to you, rather, he sees how much everyone loves you and wonders how that feels

- after seeing him a bit down, you pry into him and try to figure out what's wrong. after he hesitantly explains, you sigh and smile

- you assure him that he's perfect just the way he is and more people love him than he realizes

- something clicks in him and he realizes that he's happy with the way things are. after being reminded of how respected he is and how much people look up to him, he feels much better

- and it's all thanks to you

- not exactly the biggest on pda

- your relationship is kept somewhat of a secret for multiple reasons

- one being that this isn't exactly the time or place for lovey dovey relationship

- and two being that you don't need to announce your relationship to the world in order to be happy

- of course, once word gets out, everyone thinks you guys are super cute together and their respect and love for both of you grows even more

- everyone wonders how you got THE captain levi to open up enough, but they're extremely grateful that you did

- his demeanor doesn't change a ton now that the two of you are together, but it's clear that something is different about him

- a levi smile is rare, but since he met you, he's smiled more than he has in his entire life

- hanji teases both of you a lot, but thanks you for everything you've done for her friend

- she also likes to call herself you guys' third wheel

- it makes levi cringe when she calls herself that, but you think it's funny and tell him to lighten up

- you also have to tell him to go easy on eren a lot

- it may be a little funny watch him flinch when levi walks in the room, but you don't want him to traumatize the poor boy

- you also point out mikasa's evil eyes that fall on him when he does something to eren, reminding levi of her feelings for him which occasionally makes him lay off, but usually he doesn't care

- levi can be quite apathetic when it comes to hearing what others have to say, but you're the one exception

- he loves hearing you talk. getting a peak inside your beautiful mind, carried by your voice that he adores is pure serotonin for him

- on missions he's often warning you to be careful

- even if you aren't the reckless type, he always warns you before anything to watch yourself

- he doesn't really protect you because he knows you're capable of handling yourself, but if anything were to happen, he'd be the first one there

- after mission snuggles are an absolute must, of course

- when the long days are finally over, the comfort of each other's arms make it all worth it

- you feel honored to say that humanity's strongest soldier spends his nights in your arms

- (he thinks that's a bit cliché but you don't care. you love him way too much to not be prideful about it)

[tatticstudio55]

Matters of POV bias (mostly)

In response to THIS POST by @esther-dot (feel free to answer or ignore):

“If our heroes aren’t thrust into war but pursue it, choose to wage it because they want power, if they choose to paint their road to victory with the blood of innocents, well, with heroes like those, who needs villains?”

1)      I know many people consider Stannis to be a “villain”, but I’ve never, EVER seen anyone support that claim with the argument that he attacked King’s Landing in ACOK/2x10. He was the aggressor in the Baratheon/Lannister conflict. Who would you say was the villain there? Cersei or Stannis? If you say they both are, what should Stannis have done rather than attack King’s Landing? Or do you say that he simply should’ve accepted the Lannister’s treachery and stayed on Dragonstone?

2)      You also realize that, while Robb’s war for Independence might’ve started as a result of many conflicting, problematic political scenarios all happening at once, in ASOS, when Catelyn advise him to kneel to Joffrey, it’s his pride and desire for revenge that makes him refuse, right?

3)      You also realize that Sansa was very much on her way to start a war against Dany to regain the North’s independence in season 8, right? Not out of safety or necessity, or because somebody was forcing Sansa to do it, but out of principle? Not even because Dany had “usurped” the North – because it wasn’t, it was pledged to her legally?

I’m not making a judgment on these characters, here, merely wondering why them being the aggressors (or perpetrators) in this or that conflict doesn’t make them villains.

The other argument is the POV bias argument.

Yes, there is such a thing as POV bias. Yes, there are instances of POV bias in Dany’s chapters (read: it completely goes over her nose that the Green Grace is the Harpy, and it went over mine as well). But you can’t just make an assumption about Dany, then claim that others don’t see it because of “POV bias”. To make a POV bias argument, you need 1) to support your assessments with concrete examples from the show/citations/actual material found in the books, and 2) make sure that nothing in the book/show disproves or contradict your assessment. The old “Dany only freed slaves to get an army for free” argument doesn’t hold any water (and gets completely disproved) when you actually read the chapter where she frees the unsullieds. “Dany convinces herself that she’s doing good when all she does is really self-serving” doesn’t cut it either. When Dany actually does lies to herself (about “good deed” that aren’t really that good, or truly altruistic), it’s not hard to notice. There’s hardly a “bias” to fall for in such cases:

She had them nailed to wooden posts around the plaza, each man pointing at the next. The anger was fierce and hot inside her when she gave the command; it made her feel like an avenging dragon. But later, when she passed the men dying on the posts, when she heard their moans and smelled their bowels and blood . . .

Dany put the glass aside, frowning. It was just. It was. I did it for the children. – Dany, ASOS

If you’re arguing that Mirri did nothing wrong, you’re falling for her side of the POV bias, that denies that Mirri had any responsibility in the death of Rhaego, and/or that her deliberately misleading Dany and killing Rhaego (which she admits she did) was entirely justified. (It wasn’t.). If you’re arguing that Dany being an enemy of the Starks makes her a villain, you’re falling on the Starks’s side of the POV bias. The list of Starks’s values that you gave me:

“There’s a reason that the Starks are the heroes. There is a reason that in the end it is the Starks who rule Westeros. It isn’t their gender or their blood but their values. They do not want power, they fight to protect. They accept power as a duty, a burden. The Starks value life.”

Does sounds good when you put it like that, but how are these values actually embodied by Bran, Arya and Sansa at the end? How? These values are what we’d expect from Starks – POV bias here – but it’s not necessarily what we’re getting. Where was Sansa’s value of life when she made it clear that she didn’t want Dany’s life-saving resources in Winterfell? When she spilled the beans to Tyrion about Jon? Where was Arya’s value of life as she went on her revenge spree? Where was Bran’s value of life when he had nothing to say to Meera about the death of her little brother? Where was Bran’s value of life when the show made it clear that he knew beforehand what was gonna happen in KL and did absolutely nothing about it? They fight to protect? Fair enough, so does Dany, on more than one occasion. They accept power as a duty and a burden? You need to re-read Dany’s ADWD if you don’t think this also applies to her.

There’s absolutely nothing in the text, or show, remotely suggesting that what Dany did to Drogo wasn’t a mercy kill. If she wanted Drogo dead, all she had to do was let nature take its course. No need in risking being killed herself by Drogo’s bloodriders for making a “forbidden” deal with Mirri.

“Well, Dany’s absolute belief in hereditary claim only extends to herself because in s8 she doesn’t care about Jon’s claim, only her own. And we knew she would view him as a threat and not honor his claim because Dany doesn’t actually believe in the birthright stuff. It’s a self-serving excuse to conquer a continent. How do I know? Because her brother was the rightful heir (as far as she knew), and she decided he wasn’t a dragon, wasn’t fit to rule.”

Well, he wasn’t fit to rule indeed, but she supported his claim nonetheless. Until the very end, when he threatened to cut her baby from her stomach.

“If we had to watch Dany overseeing the death of the teenage boys wearing them, we wouldn’t have been able to deny what she was. Because while she believes her cause is right and good, what is her quest to the life of a child?”

THIS POST covers it pretty well.

“There’s a reason Sansa cries as Littlefinger dies. Those scenes aren’t to make us immune to violence, they’re to show that while their laws, customs, justice demand death at times, taking a life weighs on them. They carry each death with them, in contrast to where Dany is heading, which is signified in the books by the fact that she can no longer remember a dead little girl’s name.”

Sansa doesn’t cry as Littlefinger dies. Dany is greatly distraught when she realizes that she can’t remember the little girl’s name. And that’s after carrying her death for a whole book, btw. The only other character – that I recall – who carries deaths with them for so long is Book!Arya.

“The show didn’t change things to make Dany harsher or more badass than she is, they changed things so that you could deny what she is. They conveniently left out the fact that she isn’t an abolitionist, that she permitted and then profited off of slavery.”

You’re talking about the meereenese who sold themselves into slavery, right? Dany pockets 10%. Who else gets paid here? Who gets the remaining 90%? 

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Anons wanted an explanation for the placements I had on my previous tier list, but upon going back and looking it over, I realized that I wanted to move a few characters around, so I ended up getting a new template and remaking it. 

I wrote little bits about each character [yes, each one] below the cut, but be warned, it’s long. 

SS  

“I love you so much that I would sell my soul to make sure you’re happy”

Lee Everett: Lee is a goddamn legend. He deserves to be at the very top. He’s one of the best protagonists I’ve ever played as in a game, his backstory is incredibly interesting, and his relationship with and dedication to protecting  Clementine never felt forced and is one of the highlights of S1. Even now, having replayed S1 a million times, seeing him get bit and slowly become weaker and weaker as he refuses to give up on Clementine still breaks my salt encased heart. Watching him die in the end never fails to put that lump in my throat. I love him.

AJ: I love this kid. I was so worried that they wouldn’t do him justice when the game was announced and I saw the trailer, but I was floored by just how much I grew to love him. He feels like my kid, my responsibility and I want him to grow up strong and smart, but also human. His voice acting is terrific, and I think he’s one of the best child characters we’ve ever been given in video games. His relationship with Clementine rivals Lee and Clem’s relationship and that’s what I wanted. This kid earned his place at the top. 

S4 Clementine: This Clementine is my absolute favorite. While I love all the Clementine’s across the four seasons, I feel like she truly hit her peak in S4. I fucking love her, I’m proud of who she grew up to be, and seeing her journey to this point only solidifies that she’s my favorite. She’s strong and stern, but she has her softer moments with AJ and Louis/Violet, and what else is there really to say? She’s Clementine.  

Louis: ....Do I really need to explain this? I mean, c’mon. If you’ve been following me for a long time- shit, if you’ve only been following me for a few minutes, then y’all know how much I love Louis. I can say with 100% certainty that Louis is my favorite non-playable character across all four games. I’ve made numerous posts, answered over a hundred asks, written thousands of words about him. Everything about him from his character design, his personality, his traumas, his voice acting, his expressions, his relationship with Clementine and AJ and Violet and Marlon and everyone- He’s the best. I love him. 

Rosie: Rosie is the bestest girl in the world. ‘nuff said. 

S

“I fucking love everything about you.”

S1 Clementine: Alright, before y’all come at me with the whole “Why isn’t little baby Clem SS tier you monster??” let me explain: I adore S1 Clementine. She’s still in S tier, after all. However, after playing through these games several times over again, I realize that this really is just the beginning of Clementine’s character and her growth. She’s lovable, she’s cute, and I want to protect her, but she’s not... a compelling character? She doesn’t fully come into herself and develop a stronger personality until S2. Like I said, I still love her and I can’t deny the impact that she had on the characters and us players, but she’s not my favorite Clementine of the bunch. 

S2 Clementine: I fucking love S2 Clementine. I’d actually say that she’s my 2nd favorite Clementine. I give S2 a lot of well-deserved shit, but she is the high point of it all. Something about her character is compelling to me, like how she’s stuck with a bunch of adults who underestimate her yet want her to do everything for them and she just... is so done with it hahaha. But her growth is what it really does it for me. We went from little baby Clementine who whimpered at a small cut on her finger to a Clementine who fucking sews her own arm up, covers herself in walker guts with barely a flinch, can shoot a gun with great accuracy and take down walkers like they ain’t shit, and can survive and make her own decisions. Also, her instant connection with AJ is great. Love it. Love her. 

Javier Garcia: Yo, I love this beautiful man. This man is honestly the best part of ANF, and without him it would’ve been such a shitty game. I found his backstory as an ex-professional baseball player booted from the league for gambling a cool concept. He’s hilarious and charming, too. Honestly, he deserved a better game with better, y’know? The only reason he’s not SS tier is because of the writing and his nonsense with Kate when you don’t want to romance her. It makes it seem like he led her on and then was like “Wait nevermind lol” which is annoying, but other than that, he’s great. Love his relationships with most of the characters, and the ending he got was pretty good. 

James: I don’t talk about him as much as I should because I find James fucking fascinating. If they ever made a DLC or a mini-game for twdg, I want it to be about James and his journey in finding and joining the whisperers, his relationship with Charlie, and how he escaped them. His views on walkers, his survival and killing skills, his past traumas haunting his every moment for fear that he’ll revert back to what he was, his extreme pacifism that ironically turns violent- just what a cool fucking character. And while he has his wild moments [cave scene, anyone? “Oh ouch!” hahahahahaa] he’s still one of my favorites. 

Violet: Oh, Violet. She’s amazing. I love her so damn much. If there’s ever been a character that I see a lot of myself in, it’s her.... which is why I tend to be a little harsh with her sometimes, but I can’t deny that she’s one of the most well-written characters across the whole series. She’s not perfect [both she and Louis do have their tiny inconsistencies that I blame the writing for] but that’s a good thing. And while I don’t ship her and Clementine, I 100% get why a lot of people do. Their relationship is adorable and way more compelling than her previous relationship with Minerva. 

A

“I love you <3″

Carley: My beautiful girlfriend... you were taken away far too soon. Carley’s one of my favorite characters from S1. I wish we could’ve had more time to explore a relationship between her and Lee, but what we did get is enjoyable. She’s a badass, and I will always love the moment she tells Lilly off for being a little bitch, even though it results in her death. Not a day goes by where I’m not salty about that one. 

Molly: Molly’s a goddamn badass. She scales buildings like it’s nothing, she named her weapon Helga, and her backstory with Crawford and her sister is terrific. Also, she’s funny and I love her. That’s that.

Omid: This dude was literally a light in S1. He brought us some humor when we needed it [ “...You broke that dude’s face.” ] and his relationship with Christa was so sweet. Also, him and Lee bonding over being history nerds? Yes, please. It’s bullshit that he was killed off two seconds into S2 but hey... S2 had a lot of bullshit in it so...  Justice for Omid 2k19. 

Luke: *deeeeeeeep inhale* Big Brother Luke did not deserve that bullshit. Literally one of the best characters in S2 and y’all just.... did him dirty like that. And for what? To make room for Kenny and Jane? Bull. Shit. Luke was so damn good, and the only reason he’s not higher is because of what they did to him after ep3. He starts out so kind and supportive and seriously like a big brother character then SUDDENLY he’s stupid and “makes it” with Jane while walkers are trying to eat us and then he gets himself shot and then fucking dies and akjsjdlkjasdkjaslkjasdklerwedascasads- 

S3 Clementine: ...So, here’s where y’all will probably get pissed. S3 Clementine is my least favorite of the bunch. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her and she is still in A tier, but... how do I explain it? She’s in her 13-year-old, emo/angsty phase and it’s hilarious when it shouldn’t be. There are moments where I do become emotional for her, like when David takes AJ away and Javi hugs her, or when Gabe dies and she’s saying goodbye, or when she gets her first period, y’know moments like that! BUT... then we have moments where Javi goes to talk to her and she’s all “HAVING PEOPLE IS GREAT AT FIRST BUT EVENTUALLY EVERYONE DIES” or when she straight up shoots that guy who gave her faulty bullets OR WHEN SHE’S LIKE “IMMA KILL ME A LINGARD” AND.......... it’s too much for me! I can’t take her seriously when she’s this angsty, even when I understand why she is the way she is. Again, to reiterate, I still love her but in ranking all four Clementines, she comes in last for me.... and I can already hear the shit that’s gonna be thrown my way haha

Conrad: The most underappreciated character in S3 and it’s nonsense. Don’t come for me, but this dude is my favorite npc in S3. I love Conrad, and I wish we got more of him. He does have his own little arch if you keep him alive through the end. His grief over Francine is heartbreaking and his downward spiral that leads him to act out and threaten Javi, Clem, and Gabe so that he can get his revenge is wonderful. And btw, he does apologize for pulling the gun on them and makes up for it in the future. And y’know what moves him up into A tier? The moment you let him kill Badger. One of the best kills of the game. I prefer it over beating the shit out of Badger myself. 

Aasim: This boy is my son, and I’m sorry, but he’s really fucking cool. You’ve got this kid who was sent to Ericson for being a pyromaniac [according to Kent, it’s not actually mentioned in game] and grew into this guy who documents everything so that they’ll have a form of history to look back on and help not repeat mistakes. His banter with Louis is funny, and even though he gets fed up with Louis for not taking anything seriously, he still cares deeply about him given how he reacts when Louis loses his tongue. His crush on Ruby is adorable, too. I just love him, he’s great. 

Marlon: Now, originally I put Marlon in a lower tier [the “I like your role in the story” type of tier] but upon reflection I actually find Marlon to be a compelling character. He’s high on the list because of how well he’s portrayed. Marlon has some of the best voice acting across all the games. There isn’t a single moment where I don’t believe what he’s saying, which says something. There are moments where Clementine will say something and I go, “Really? That’s the take they went with? Okay...” but not with Marlon. For only being in ep1, he played his part really fucking well. I won’t defend any of the shit he pulled because it’s awful, but I understand everything he did. He is a coward, a sheep hiding in a wolf’s coat, pretending that he’s got everything under control and putting all the pressure of a leader onto himself and it eventually breaks him. I know they killed him off to further the plot and show how ruthless AJ can be as a child growing up in the world, but I wish he survived past ep1 so that we could really get into the meat of his character. I’ll say it: I love him as fake-friend-to-full-on-antagonistic-character and his role within the story. 

Mitch: I fucking love Mitch and the only reason he isn’t in SS tier is because of how goddamn dirty the writers did him. You give me this boy- this butterknife wielding, foul-mouthed, angry, hilarious, bomb-making boy and make me fall in love with him and THEN YOU KILL HIM OFF IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE. “Oh, lemme just run at the crazy lady with a knife and- OOF! It appears I’ve been throat stabbed bleh-”  I’ve complained about this since ep2, but lemme say it again: Mitch had so much potential to be an amazing character but never got the chance to because we had to add to the death count and make us more afraid of Lilly even though it didn’t do shit because it was a reaction kill rather than one made out of malice. 

Tenn: Tenn is such a tragic character for me. In my personal canon ending, he dies because he was “messing up again” and AJ shot him. This poor kid was so full of hope that the walkers would go away one day, he’s so genuine and never wants to hurt anyone, even if they’re trying to hurt him, and he’s so fucked up from seeing Minerva that he stops thinking and tries to go to her even as she’s being devoured right in front of him. Tenn is like this game’s Sarah, but done right. He deserved better, but he was a well-written character and I love him. His friendship with AJ was so sweet which makes it even more heartbreaking when he dies. Yet another terrific child character. 

B

“I like you and/or your role within the story”

S1 Kenny: This dude is such a chaotic topic. I feel like 90% of the fandom has an incredibly strong opinion on him, and of that 90%, 45% of people absolutely love him and if you say anything negative you’ll get a boat to the head while the other 45% loathe him. Then you’ve got the 10% who don’t have such strong opinions, and that’s where I fall. I like Kenny, and I like S1 Kenny more than his S2 counterpart. He has a great arch throughout the season regardless if you’re his best pal or not. He has some funny lines, some emotional scenes. I’ll never forget the first time I played the scene where Kenny’s crying over Katjaa’s dead body while Duck is laying against the tree on the brink of death. And I definitely will never forget the part where he finds the boy in the attic. Overall, I like him and what he brought to S1. 

Katjaa: She was really sweet and her death broke my heart. I don’t have too much to say about her, but I liked her a lot. She loved her family and met a tragic end. 

Ben: Fucking Ben, man. This poor kid. Another character with wasted potential. I’ve mentioned this plenty of times before, but I wish we could get an alternative ending where Ben was the only one who survived and became Clementine’s new caretaker. There was so much room for growth. He just wanted to help out but kept screwing up and it’s just.... sad. 

Christa: I’ll be honest, the first time I ever played S1, I didn’t like Christa. Something about her rubbed me the wrong way and I didn’t care about her as much as I did Omid. However, the more times I replayed it, the more I grew to love her. She’s strong but sweet, and you can’t deny how much she loves Omid. And while I wish we did get to know what happened to her in S2, I can live with it remaining unknown.  

Chuck: As much as I like our guitar playing hobo friend who deserved so much more, I would probably put him a tier lower if it weren’t for the advice that he gives Lee on the train. Because of him, Lee stopped treating Clementine entirely like a little girl in need of protection and cut her hair, taught her to use a gun, and furthered their communication by building a plan together. Without Chuck and his wise hobo words, Lee might’ve fucked both of them over. Also, Chuck’s pretty badass with that shovel, he got a lot of chuckles out of me, but his death was off screen and disappointing. 

Andy St John: Okay. Okay okay okay. Andy. He is so high here [and so much higher than his mom and brother] because to me, he’s the scariest of the St John’s. Why? Because he’s the most normal-appearing of the three. He acts and talks like any normal guy would. He’s someone that I could see myself running into in real life. He’s so good at hiding how fucked up he is from everyone, unlike his brother who you can just look at and go “hahahahaha no thanks” and his mother who’s character design is just awful. I find him to be the strongest of the three, the smartest and the most dangerous. And the final fight between him and Lee is amazing. I love how you can be so furious with him that you keep punching him even after the prompt goes away and then his face goes all purple and swollen. Easily the greatest antagonist in S1.

Eddie: This dude is the best character to come out of the 400 Days dlc. End of story. 

 Alvin: He gave me a juice box and that automatically puts him here. Real great guy but we didn’t get too into his character. Wish we could’ve, though.  

Rebecca: She grew on me tbh. Didn’t like her in ep1 when she was being all pissy and all, but for the most part, she’s pretty good. 

Mike: I will forever wish the writers went through with the concept of Mike being one of the guys who attacked Christa because then he could’ve had a better character backstory. Regardless, I still like him. He’s pretty funny. 

Nick: Nick? Oh, you mean PURE WASTED POTENTIAL. I mean, they really did give us this super flawed but sympathetic and interesting character and kill him off-screen. They really did that. Honestly, S2 really pisses me off sometimes for the way they treated these characters. It all goes downhill once everyone escapes. Yeah, yeah, blah blah not everyone gets a meaningful death blah blah but y’know what? You can do better than that. I loved Nick and I was so excited to see what they’d do with him in the end but NOPE! Justice 4 Nick 2k19

Pete: What a good dude. He stuck by Clementine’s side even when everyone thought she was bit. Love him. Wish we saw more of him. 

Sarah: Ha. Ha. PURE WASTED POTENTIAL 2.0. What else needs to be said? This girl had the foundation for a great character but again, NOPE! I really liked Sarah! I wanted to teach her to use a gun to protect herself! The loss of her father fucking broke her and it was hard to watch but I wanted more and just ahaklsdjlaskjdlkakjaskjsaadkljas ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

Ava: Yo. Ava’s a fucking gorgeous badass. Really liked her and how she was sweet on Clementine. Also, it’s interesting that she stuck by David’s side like that. 

David: I have a lot of mixed feelings about David. On one hand, the complicated relationship between him and Javier is good, even if it’s a little bullshit at times. On the other hand, David’s an asshole.  But he’s a great antagonistic character. I do love that about him. The shit with him and Kate was a little annoying, but only because they didn’t ever elaborate on anything. On what level was the marriage fucked? Was it straight-up abusive? What happened to David’s first wife? Why did Kate and David get married in the first place? I got questions! But, like Javier, I think David deserved a better game with better writing. 

Jesus: This dude parkour kills walkers. Pretty fucking badass. 

Tripp: I feel like I don’t like Tripp as much as some people. I like him fine, but I know a lot of folks gush about him. I think he’s a good dude, a little pushy with Eleanor, but he’s loyal and strong. 

S2 Lilly: I fucking hate Lilly. I hate her so goddamn much. She pushes every wrong button with her bullshit “Where's our new recruits?? Lee would be so disappointed knowing he taught you all the wrong things! You’re one of my people now, Clementine” AND THE GODDAMN “Yes, Ma’am” SHIT. Nothing irks me more than every time someone from the delta acts like Lilly’s the baddest bitch and call her “Ma’am” I HATE IT AND I HATE HER. SHE KILLED MITCH. SHE KIDNAPPED MY CHILDREN. SHE DARES TO TRY AND HURT LOUIS LIKE HE’S NOTHING. AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER....... That being said, y’all are probably thinking “wtf if you hate her so much why isn’t she in F tier???” and that’s because no other antagonist in these games has ever gotten this strong of a reaction out of me. Lilly is a damn good antagonist. She’s not perfect, and there are definitely things I would change or add, but she does her job and makes me absolutely livid [yeah yeah I know ha ha ha ha] every time she’s on screen doing her bullshit. I hate her and that counts for something. She’s easily the best “villain” in the entire series. 

Ruby: I love my funny little hot-headed medic. Ruby’s amazing and I love her. 

Willy: This kid really grew on me. I thought he was weird and creepy at the beginning but I adore him now. His brotherly relationship with Mitch should’ve been explored more, and at times his voice acting is kind of jarring, but I still love him. 

C

“You’re fine, I guess...”

Duck: He’s fine. I like Duck. I like the “what if” scenarios we’ve come up with surrounding his character, and his death always puts a lump in my throat, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to say I love him, y’know?

Doug: Again, he’s fine. He has some funny moments when you save him, and he’s got a cool little panda bear on his sweater but... yeah. He’s okay. 

Mark: Oh hai Mark. He’s cool, and the reason he’s not lower is because the iconic moment of finding him in the hidden room with his legs chopped off choking out the words “Don’t... eat... dinner” forever haunts my nightmares. 

Russell: I’m not a big fan of most of the playable 400 Days characters, but I think if I had to pick a favorite, it’s Russell. His backstory of being with the group that believed in the power of 7′s [I think it was 7 I dunno going off of memory here] was cool and his weird thing with Nate was fun and disturbing. He’s a pretty cool character. 

Carlos: I’ve made posts about Carlos before and how I think he had a lot of potential, but looking strictly at his role in the game and I’m left underwhelmed. I did get a lot of shit for where I placed him in my previous tier because he was [and still is] above S2 Kenny but I’m not going to lie and say I like Kenny more than him because... I don’t. I just think Carlos should’ve been given more development.  

Carver: A cool antagonist who was defeated waaaaaay too early in the game. They were doing a fantastic job at making me hate him with his treatment of Clementine, beating the shit out of Kenny, murdering Alvin and pulling all that shit with Rebecca, but killing him off so quickly didn’t make it feel as satisfying. Again, underwhelming. 

Sam: This pup betrayed me and he ain’t no Rosie, but we played frisbee so he gets a C I guess

Gabe: Y’know, Gabe could’ve been so good. But every time I play through ANF, he ends up annoying me more than Ben. What does that tell you? He’s fine, but he could’ve been a lot better. 

Mariana: I’m not so much “meh” on Mari because I think she’s sweet and likable! The problem is I don’t want to put her any higher because really? What did she do? She died horribly because Badger’s a piece of shit. 

Abel: Meh this guy’s garbage. I only put him up a little higher because the scene with him in the basement is really good. 

Brody: Brody is like the Mariana of S4 for me, just a bit better. I do like her. She had some development but her whole purpose was to die by Marlon’s hand and get the plot going. Would’ve loved to learn more about her, but I couldn’t give her anything higher than a C. 

Minerva: Controversial opinion but........ I don’t like Minerva as much as a lot of people do. If I could be brutally honest, if I were ranking these characters solely on how I feel about them without looking at their roles in the games and character development, Minerva would be in E tier at the highest. However, I can’t deny how tragic and complex her character and backstory is. It’s similar to how I feel about Lilly, but different. I think she’s just so fucked up from the delta that she’s become a husk of who she was and it results in her constantly pissing me off with all her shit. Also, the bridge scene alone bumps her up. That shit was crazy in a good yet tragic way. 

Omar: At one point, I forgot Omar existed until he got shot in the leg...... but he’s also God so y’know. I like him but I also had to make up my own little backstory for him so...

D

“Meh”

S1 Lilly: I don’t care about S1 Lilly in the slightest, she’s awful. They made her way more compelling in S4. And she killed my girlfriend which is bullshit on it’s own.

Jolene: If I could rewrite S1, I would’ve thrown out the Stranger and had Jolene be the kidnapper. As Danny said, “What a waste.”

Bonnie: She’s pretty disappointing, tbh. I didn’t like how the game help pushing her onto Clem and overall she’s pretty forgettable. 

Vince: He’s okay, I guess. He killed a dude one time. And shot a guy’s foot off.

Wyatt: “Meh” hahaha Eddie was a cooler character than he was

Jane: I wish Jane had been the Molly of S2 and stayed gone after she left the first time. I like that she taught Clementine some useful survival tactics and that’s what puts her on this tier, but I think we all know how I feel about the whole Jane vs. Kenny thing by now so... 

S2 Kenny: This Kenny actually moved up a tier because I fully took in everything he’s been through thus far and.... “Meh.” I don’t think he’s good for Clementine, I think she and AJ need a group like Wellington. I recognize that he’s a lot of people’s favorite, but like I said above in his S1 counterpart, I’m the 10% that doesn’t have that strong of an opinion on him. I’d much rather discuss other characters over him. 

Sarita: Forgettable, really. Except for when you get the chance to cut her hand off. That fucking scream of hers is anything but forgettable, yeesh. 

Walter: Again, mostly forgettable. His death was sad, and I do think he’s a good example of what happens when you’re too trusting in this world, but overall he doesn’t stand out to me. 

Kate: I probably would’ve liked Kate more if her romance wasn’t so damn forced. She has some funny lines, but she’s also pretty selfish and fickle when it comes to a lot of things. And I will forever be annoyed at her inability to keep her mouth shut about her and Javi’s relationship [or lack of] in front of David. 

E

“I don’t like you but you’re not the absolute worst, I guess...”

Danny St John and Brenda St John: I put these two together because they have the same issue: They’re fucking creepy. Where Andy was normal and deceiving, these two look like they want to cut my legs off and eat them. I think they’re much weaker in character than Andy was, even with Danny’s weird sexual fixation of his gun and Brenda talking about her husband. 

Vernon: He’s not the absolute worst because I do feel a little sympathy for him losing his daughter, but everything else just makes me not like him. 

Shel and Becca: Easily my two least favorite characters in 400 Days. I had no real interest in either of them. 

Arvo: This guy. I didn’t put him in as the absolute worst because of all the unnecessary shit Kenny put him through. No wonder he wanted to get the hell outta there. 

Clint: I literally couldn’t give a single shit about this dude or what happens to him. 

Eleanor: I don’t like Eleanor. I found her annoying. Her one good quality is her want to help people, but that want didn’t do much to help Tripp now did it, Eleanor.

F

“The absolute worst”

Larry: Did you expect anything else? Fuck this guy. 

Stranger: Worst final antagonist ever. You’re telling me I have to fight this Mister Roger’s tootsie pop? I’ll bet you $1 I can do it with one hand. Fuck this guy. 

Troy: Fuck Troy. All he does is smack Clementine around and then get shot in the dick. 

Joan: This lady is a laughably bad antagonist. The worst fucking “villian” jfc...

---

There ya have it. Do you agree, disagree? Maybe a character I found boring you really liked! Maybe you want to tell me why Kenny is the best/worst again!  We can discuss it. 

I’m always open to talking about these characters!

[galaxylohnce]

VUD paladin headcanons!!!!

BTW this is based off of @voltronuniversaldefender ‘s reboot!!! CHECK THEM OUT THEYRE DOING GOD’S WORK

also i have read approx 2 headcanons and baRELY understand this AU so if there are similarities to anyone else or inconsistencies iT IS AN ACCIDENT AND IM SORRY

anyway this is just about the 4 confirmed paladins BET ill be doing more about Fa’rah/Takashi/Zahi/Ashanti once i know a bit more about their roles in the team!!

Alvaro Garcia Valladares

he has a twin. i don't make the rules, but he has a twin.

he has a big family. the biggest family. we’re talking, his mom has 8 siblings and his dad has 9 and there’s a 10 year age gap between him and his oldest sibling and he loves them all so much

natia is his best friend. i repeat, NATIA IS HIS BEST FRIEND!!!!

he’s also quite close with kiki. Natia and Kiki are the only two that he met before their great space adventure

he wasn't really sure of his sexuality at first. (i say this because i wasn't sure of my sexuality at first - im bi btw - and all the media i saw told me that any lgbt+ character was 100% sure of their sexuality form the day they were born, which made me doubt myself bc i didn't figure it out till recently, so i wanna see that in some media!! sometime!!) he probably figured it out halfway through having a crush on someone

the someone is akio, and he definitely tells Natia about it first

“natia... natia listen.... I have a crush on akio. freakin akio.... what do i do??? I’m bi, natia... I'm bi. what does this mean -”

“alvaro, I'm so proud of you, but this is a public bathroom and akio is right outside -”

GUARANTEE that the first time he saw Akio he just basically wanted to fight him but also flirt with him and had a slight moral crisis and ended up doing nothing

he is a goddamn sharpshooter, okay. he straight up becomes famous for it throughout the galaxy.

yet despite that he’s still insecure, and those insecurities prevent him from really getting together w akio until much later

he comes off as very suave and extroverted when you first meet him, but underneath it all, he’s actually really warm, personable and funny: not that anyone outside the team know that 

aliens on social media, probably: god, the blue paladin is so cool... i bet he’s amazing and awesome and eloquent...

meanwhile, alvaro: do u guys think i could fit my whole hand in my mouth or nah?

enjoys memes, and shares this love with kiki

basically an all around great guy. because he often felt like a seventh wheel at the beginning of the formation of the team, he always tries to include everybody as best as possible, going way out of his way to ask after people, even if they forget to ask about him sometimes :’)

Natia Nanai

first off: what a gorgeous name. seriously. incredible kudos, my dude. anyway on to the head canons for this gorgeous girl

probably alvaro’s soulmate. already mentioned this, but it needs reiteration. they are best friends

had a large family too (not as big as alvaros tho) and probably major relate to him with that big family dealio

v close with kiki. they complete each other on a technological level. 

natia is very, very creative. she and her sweet engineering know how are always instrumental in getting the Team out of tough situations

Akio: theres no way out of this we’re going to die -

Natia: bet?

she does say “bet” a lot. like, almost too much? but she's always right and valid when she says it

the villain: i’ve got you now!!!!

natia, under her breath: bet

the paladins, thinking: thank god, we’re saved

very soft but also badass as hell. she has a unique duality.

pulls a violet baudelaire: she puts that GORGEOUS hair up in a ponytail when doing work or whenever she has an idea

everyone on the team, regardless of sexuality, is low-key in love with her because she’s just so nice. no one can hate her. she's way too solid of a friend

speakinG of being a great friend: natia is 100% the secret keeper up in this bitch. everyone comes to her because they know she’s got the best advice around and will take their secrets to the grave

akio: idk man... alvaro is just rlly cute, u know?? but i can't tell him...

natia, thinking of alvaro literally whining to her about akio not even five minutes ago: christ

the mom friend. she always has all the things everyone needs on hand or in her lion, and she’s got it all going in terms of chore charts and family meals. she is the queen of figuring out times for team bonding and everyone loves her more for it

definitely started a board game night asap

she has a silent bravery about her that no one else can match. despite her trepidation, natia will always do what has to be done for the greater good. 

she is guided by her heart and her morals, and is easily the kindest person on the team

bc of this kindness, she is often the diplomat when conflicts arise between people on the team

she is seen by the general public (aka the galaxy) as a strong, morally righteous woman. kind of like rosie the riveter-esque??? she’s the symbol of justice and fairness. 

aliens: she's so... peacekeeping :0

natia, at kiki: throw me that wrench, or so help me god - 

basically, a queen who always considers everyone and works really hard to create a family, even when they're all so far from home :’)

Kiki Evans

generally over it tbh

“always tired, but always inspired” - kiki, on being asked why there were dark circles under her eyes

kind of standoffish. she’s not really about being nice, she's about getting the job done, and that can rub people the wrong way, since she is always the first to offer up the cold, logical solution

but underneath that, she’s just a computer science nerd who is loyal to a fault

she really is loyal. its almost dangerous sometimes, because she would put the universe in danger to save her friends, which actually comes into conflict with her typical cold, logical approach.

she has 0-1 sibling. she's every bit the single child. she cannot relate to living in a big family setting, and at first its hard for her to deal with before she warms up to everyone else on the team

she's a genius, and thus found school to be tedious. in fact, she got fairly bad grades, as she wouldn't do the work that she saw as pointless and boring

she is a meme connoisseur, and loves to quote vines, often assisted by alvaro

kiki, as they approach a giant black hole: HZZK

alvaro, catching on immediately: is... is that real???

she is a conspiracy theorist, for sure. the government is watching us all, trying to make sure we don't learn too much.... she’s sure of it, and akio is too

tbh, the first proper conversation she had with akio was about cryptids and how the government had hidden them from the public

she was friends w natia and alvaro from before, but it is akio she becomes closest with the fastest. in some ways, she feels more distant from natia/alvaro bc of how close they are with each other and  bc all of them have known each other for so long while akio is someone she got to know recently: he has no preconceptions about who she used to be, and she has none about him

plus, she and akio relate on many levels: both trans, both gay, both autistic, both theorists, and both loyal to a fault. she finds a real blood brother in akio :D

very openly gay. very. she's a space lesbian, and theres no denying it

kiki, meeting some random space girl: oh

kiki, moments later to akio: god I'm gay

akio, downing a glass of water but acting like its vodka or smthg: god, same

the public sees her as the cold and calculating techie, the brains of the operation

natia is her partner in crime. they finish each others sentences. they've got a tech connection going, babey

kiki: if we just cross-reference the zaiforge tunnel with the -

natia, nodding: particle consummator, of course we’ll get the perfect -

them, together: amount of energy!!!

everyone else: sorry wot

basically, she's a tech goddess with a splash of genius. she's uneasy and a bit awkward, but thats just bc she’s never been in a situation like this before. after literally 1 second with her, she opens up and is such a loyal friend. :’)

Akio Himura

wow this boy is gay and he knows it

he loves his parents (zahi, takashi, and ashanti) but god he will never admit it. not ever

alvaro, after listing his parents, 20 aunts and 100 cousins: and i love them all so much, with all my heart. what about ur family akio?

akio, not wanting to show weakness: they're nerds.

alvaro: um okay cool good talk haha :)

akio, internally: but i love them nd would die for them tbh... but i can't show weakness

he's so guarded after his biological parents left/died/disappeared. poor boy

definitely a single child, and definitely adopted

his parents love him SO MUCH. so much.

akio: why do i have three parents, dad?

takashi, almost crying: its simple. u deserve so much love, that it couldn't be contained in just two people. we needed three. its how its gotta be, my beautiful, sweet summer child

a yeehaw kind of guy. he grew up in the midwest riding horses before his biological parents died and theres a piece of him that will always be a southern boy

the kind of kid in school that pretends he’s a delinquent, but actually just has the aesthetic of a delinquent, and is truly soft

akio: hell yeah I'm a rebel. i logged onto disney.com without my parents permission

kiki, choked up: so brave

mothman is his love. his passion. all cryptids, for that matter. kiki is more of an all around conspiracy theorist: akio is in it for the cryptids 

he’s a bit awkward, and doesn’t totally understand all social cues/jokes. because of this, he stays away from memes, and is very guarded when meeting new people, especially after experiences with light bullying for not only his social ineptitude, but his upbringing.

considering that, his first meeting with alvaro was supremely awkward, and akio accidentally fought with him multiple times before they established a solid friendship

akio, having a gay panic: you are the light of my life

alvaro: sorry what??

akio, panicking more: I said, you wanna fiGHT WITH A KNIFE???

he pined after alvaro from basically day one, but had the foresight to actually know that he was pining, unlike alvaro who just floundered

of course he would never say anything

he is a stabby boi. he is unrivaled in swordplay, and enjoys routine. his natural affinity for picking up new skills plus his unrivaled work ethic basically DESTROYED everyone else when it came to swords

he’s loyal af and is always the first one to take action. akio is a “do something. do anything, but do it fast before we lose a chance to do something” kind of guy

the general public sees him as the fiery one: he’s the one with the fanciest footwork in a fight, and he’s very good with battle tactics. he can come thru with that strategy at the perfect times

he's a low-key emo. for sure. he loves MCR, but strangely dislikes other similar artists like p!atd and fob. 

kiki: but...brendon urie, akio....

akio, sipping tea: as a gay, i can appreciate the aesthetic. but no one can compete with MCR

kiki, exasperated: its not a competition -

basically, a slightly guarded boy with a real talent for defending the universe and his friends, but also an emo cowboy mess who is in love with alvaro and loves everyone :’)

WELL THAT ENDED UP LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. I HOPE U ENJOY AAAA

ALSO FOLLOW @voltronuniversaldefender !!!! its amazing, guys, really check it out :D

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 10-11, 2019 // the car crash

-"stop acting offended" oh god sis 😰🥶

-"lucy knew hudson family secrets in the past, tiffany knew hudson family secrets in the present. both of them are dead." and you ARE a hudson family secret, hes trying like a pretty little liar to keep it 😭

-"you suspect everyone of everything, you always have since you were little" 🤔 *professor voice* "the ad hominem is a fallacy of relevance where someone rejects or criticizes another person’s view on the basis of personal characteristics, background, physical appearance, or other features irrelevant to the argument at issue.

An ad hominem is more than just an insult. It’s an insult used as if it were an argument or evidence in support of a conclusion. Verbally attacking people proves nothing about the truth or falsity of their claims" https://thebestschools.org/magazine/15-logical-fallacies-know/#adhominem

-"if you keep suspecting the people closest to you of horrific crimes you're gonna end up alone" this quote becomes fascinating in the context of our future knowledge of nancys parentage foreshadowing "i've been alone my whole life" threatening nancy with solitude comes off weird. the price of being too perfect i suppose.* wonder about ryan's take on this as a parent. strangely i think she honestly wouldn't mind being alone (on some level anyway)

-wonder what exactly makes captain tom a "legend". he was featured so prominently in the press that a serial killer engaged w him and made him out to be a hero.

-"didnt want his mom to see" where was aces mom this ep and w the poisoner? wonder why they only chose to reveal her s2. maybe to give captain tom more of a feature?

-"he was letting us down" ...or just you?

-"you two are that kinda close" its been like 2 months since they met sis i guess that is 'close' to you

-"how are you and your family?" laura says that to ace in the recording --> s2 ironyyyyy

-love how mcginnis forces the nurse to update these random strangers at the hospital lmaooo

-i love how nancy kinda thinks shes the only one doing supernatural things like shes always surprised to find people who think its legit, even hannah gruen who takes it so straight faced and seriously, nancy always respects her but gives off a little "you might be taking this a bit too seriously" vibe imo

-bess w that unintentional save on the phone to nick lmaoooo

-rawley side eyes the fuck out of nancy as she literally breezes past him to get to mcginnis 😂

-wonder how mcginnis owes tom exactly

-mcginnis looks just as reluctant to admit he cares about ace as nancy does lmfaoo

-damn she knows him really well, all he communicates to her are fucking facial expressions (and her back lmao)

-"theyre not my friends" vs "i'd try anything to save my friend" - is ace the first one she calls a friend? like, the actual f word? 👀😳

-in sharp contrast to nick, george is ironically good at mysteries bc shes always suspicious of everyone

-"okay. dead lucy-" *everyone groans* 😂

-*breezes past carson in his own house* what a mood lmao

-wonder if adam beach supported this feature or if he thought it was disrespectful/cringe

-"there are many things you and i need to discuss" 👀😳🙈👗👑🤰😰🥺🤱😔

-so do we think ted has been corrupted by simon when bess opens that door orrrr was that just ted doing 8 year old things

-love this nick/bess bonding tho

-so carson-wolf, nancy-whale, george-turtle and ace-bear. wonder if those specific animal choices have any particulr meaning. 🐢"a turtle, cool" 😂

-carson definitely has his white "do not understand but dont wanna offend" face on 😭🙈

-when i first watched this ep i could not stop saying "nifty!" the whole time 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

-carson's like "okay ive had enough of indulging this make believe crap dont tell me somethings wrong w my very clearly wrong kid"

-"this is serious" lmfaooooo at this point nancy only appeases mcginnis' beliefs bc shes desperate for answers at any cost (ie "i can just ask tiffany what happened")

-wonder how long carson has worked on this cover story for when nancy inevitably asked (the fact that he got the most curious child in the world is so fucking painful yet funny)

-nancy like 😌👉🏻👈🏻"hey mom, my friend accidentally wandered into your world for a minute, could u help find her?" lmaoo

-"are we even dating?" its been a week baby chill lmaooooo

-lisbeth + hairstroking 💙

-okay bess nails her with this clothing/fashion analysis but everyone dismisses fashion so readily as frivolous that bess gets underestimated on sight

-15 years ago + "i made you that promise when you were six" = ace is 21

-"the moment he thought his father was going to die" i'll take carson - irony for 1200 alex

-wonder who tom was chasing before his crash

-"these boots dont belong" god damn george's big sister instinct activated on sight 😭

-wait how tf did she get that bear in her hand

-"you made a difference, right?" whens the last time someone told you that

-nick and bess are the weakest fucking links w mysteries lmfaoooo

-UNPOPULAR OPINION : "you're a cop!" nancy + cops - mcginnis and rawley fuck her over/view her sexually/as competition and let her down along with karen- but she likes lisbeth who is the opposite, suspected her from the beginning due to the previous people "betraying" her (she and the chief start this show in an odd place with zero trust bc she thinks she can do it better) but lisbeth passes the test; lisbeth is willing to bargain with them and doesnt question where they got the hudsons info. now nancy does not hesitate to call lisbeth for the murder of owen (ie the hand prints) and going after josh on the roof, even tells her the blunt truth about calling the agleaca (lisbeth is NOT woke to the supernatural btw) "use me" she does want to work with police, which she is infamous for not doing previously, because of her connection to bess? because they were men? karen didnt have enough power, or didnt take her seriously? what makes lisbeth so trustworthy? or is it only nancys desire to avenge owen? but she just didnt trust the other cops to get the job done- maybe she still doesnt, but at least she trusts lisbeth for the time as an authority figure when all others have failed. all cops (karen, chief and rawley) in nancy's trust lose her respect/secrets out but Lisbeth has to prove her worth to get in. maybe its something about engaging w women. i mean women can still fail her of course (lucy kind of, kate+reveal, karen) but in terms of feminist themes, the show capitalizes on these exchanges between women for the living and the dead: ghosts/demons who are male (ie simon) are pure evil (think "mr roper" at the asylum being in particular focus when it was the whole family who died) but something like the agleaca (of human origin) is made to be a sympathetic case/highlighting how women have suffered historically and are take revenge as ghosts, able to find power in death that they did not have in life, and circling back to nancy trying to give them previously denied justice through working with other women.

-"let me do it" 👀👀could it be? empathy? a sacrifice on behalf of someone you still wont call a friend?

-"killer boots." *struts like a badass with 'im a bitch, im a boss' playing in the background*

-okay lbr. how on earth did lucys dress come off her body in the ocean? like. is that legit??

-"it's just so not how i would handle things" SIS THIS SHIT COULD ALMOST PROVE YOU TWO ARE DNA RELATED FOR HOW YOU FUCKING HANDLE THINGS like nancy? are u on crack? lmfaooo carson absolutely came for u and he absolutely should have

-"i understand that impulse, it runs in the family" make it a true daily double, alex🙃

-"you stole evidence and sent it out of state because you believed it was the right thing to do" no, you just think you know better than everybody else tbh

-wowwwwwww i cant believe lisbeth really decked her but another half of me can i fucking love lisbeth

and lastly

-oh ted. 💔🥺

[wishingfornever]

9/10/17 – Heavy Contact:  Perpetual Slumber

I crave… so much.  I crave you, I crave sugar, I crave alcohol… right now, I just want to indulge.  I’m so hungry.  T-T

It’ll be worth it.  When I’m not fantasizing about fitting an entire cake in my mouth, I’m thinking about the dream children we had together. Isn’t that fucking dumb?  It sounds dumb, even to me.  I mean, let’s be honest: I’d be the world’s greatest father.  Nothing wrong with my fathering abilities at all.  You’d be somewhat mediocre, obviously.  ;) Kidding, kidding.  Still, it’s weird.  Cynthia.  Such a strange name.  I’m not sure how I’d feel about it as a name.  It’s kind of blunt, not very fluid.  CynTHia. I don’t like that “Th” sound.  Maybe there is some sort of cute pet name that would be more sufficient. I don’t know why but my dreams have been more… vivid as of late.  I try to pay attention.  I don’t think they mean anything, I mean Las Vegas could never flood.  I’ve been there.  The communist thing in Paris might be symbolic but it’s kind of… meh.  I don’t think they mean anything but the cat having a voice and then sort of possessing you was super scary.  Btw, it’s currently 12:05.  Been writing since midnight struck so, yeah.  Hi again, it’s me basically from the same day.

Whatever… Jer and I will be talking to each other tomorrow via voice chat.  Or today, I guess.  I want to get some writing done, so I hope I will. I’m going to try and finish it to the best of my ability.  I’ll have Jer read it, but the thing is he can’t edit it if he reads it unless I’m there.  It’s not hands on.  Worse yet, my grammar is probably the best among all my friends.

That sucks.  If I have to rely on someone I know to edit, they’ll be inferior to my own designs.  And I will be biased because I can miss my mistakes. There is no justice in the world.  I think I’m going to cave and just grab something to eat; hopefully something small and light in calories.  After the food from Mazatlan Grill, I am pushing it for calories.  But, it… should be healthy.  Healthier, at least.  Thing about Mexican food is that there are a lot of veggies.  That’s why it was considered a gift from god by the pope, because it has all the food groups and is relatively balanced and super delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck, I’m hungry.  Brb

You won’t be able to guess what I found in the fridge.  Unless you do. Not the point!  The point is, I found MEXICAN FOOD!!!  Like there were several tacos, fully loaded with big tortillas.  I just grabbed one and slapped in the microwave for 2 minutes and left with that, a banana, and a bottle of water.  It’s cool because we were just talking about how great Mexican food is.  There was sour cream, no cheese.  Also beef.  So, I assume it was relatively high in… CALORIES!!!  Yeah, that happens.  Banana was good.  Super sweet and I might get another one.

I feel so much better.  I’m trying not to pig out, but food is just amazing.  So is this water.  Everything just tastes better right now. Thanks, Cynthia. ;)

You know, it’s occurred to me that you may be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “Ooooooh, I see.  You’re crazy, huh?”  It occurred to me when I started this.  In reality, this has helped me cope.  I never understood why people had journals but it’s sort of relieving.  Then again, I intend for my journal to be read.

A little ironic, my book began as an After-Action Report (AAR) which is basically RP updates about your game.  My character was… Diego!  Go figure.  It was part of this mod for Mount and Blade: Warband.  This mod is based in 1809 (a year after my book starts) and I was playing in Prussia.  Diego will be going to Prussia.  And, of course, he had a JOURNAL and that’s how I did the AAR.  It was pretty popular.  He was sort of a cynic which is what I plan to have him become in the second book.  Spoilers, btw. All the characters were made there.  Some had different names like Sarvar but same general concept.  Atlas was supposed to be evil-ish.  Avdotya didn’t stray too far from her source material.  It’s ironic, eh?

Oof. Might have pigged out a little bit.  Grabbed myself another burrito + banana + water.  I feel so stuffed but I’m sooooooo happy.  I’ll make up for it this week.  It was loaded with bellpeppers and onions. But this had beef… and cheese.  I might have thrown it together and gone a little bit too deep.  Kinda regretting not exercising yesterday, but I was a little saddened by your response.

Not your fault; I just wasn’t ready for it.

You, know, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a political book detailing all the dumb crap the US does.  It’s bound to sell if it’s “edgy” enough.  Maybe I’ll do that instead of the second book…  Of which, I need to change the order around.  Sarvar is now third and Atlas is second.  So, the next book will begin with Atlas’s story.  It’s better chronologically and it’d probably have far more action and will be before Atlas begins to shoulder everything.

That said, the sweat pants I have.  Gonna wear them and exercise today. Those pants though were given to me by Daniel.  Again, super nice guy.  He was talking about a few dark things yesterday and sort of hinted.  I hope you’re keeping an eye on him.

So, I see you left Regional Alliance for the Communist Bloc.  Which is interesting.  During the second nuclear war, I made a few allies within their ranks.  Unfortunately, you probably think I kicked Dennis because I was being petty.  Maybe.  However, someone noticed his currency was child pornography.  Thus, in order to save face I took it upon myself as the most vocal communist state to ban him.

I notice he’s in the Communist Bloc as well… You’re making a bad decision siding with Dennis.  Really bad.  Not just in NationStates but in general.  I noticed you’re still online.  I’m going to probably upset you, but I’m going to ask why you’re siding so much with Dennis.  I see you’re online, so I dropped a message.  I wonder what he’s been telling you. He betrayed me, a friend of 12 years. What makes you think he’d stand by you?  You know he lies.  He’s admitted it.  Is it because you feel sorry for him?  Is it because you’re angry with me? I guarantee, you won’t be happy with him.  My dad kicked me out for a little while before I went to Texas the first time.  Dennis isn’t exactly the most hospitable. If you think I was inactive, you’re in for a treat.  If you think him going to the gym with Daniel is evidence of anything, it’s because of Daniel that he goes.  Without Daniel, he’ll have no drive. But, I’m not concerned.  I know you’ll see this and I know you’ll be disappointed again.  I’m not sure you’ll come back because you might fear “I told you so.”  I wouldn’t bring it up if you did come back, however, so don’t harm yourself further.  If you need help with Dennis, then ask me and I’ll help. Of course, I have no respect for him right now. I’ve began to recall all the SHITTY things he’s done to me, Daniel, and Shane.  I’m bitter and I’m biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant.  I know how he is.  He’s a piece of shit. You’ll see for yourself soon.  I’m not even mad.

I do want to revisit what he told you.  It horrifies me that he was able to turn you against me so easily.  Admittedly, I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I wasn’t the worst boyfriend.  I was inactive. You said it yourself; I felt like a roommate.  I wasn’t mean or cruel to you but you made it seem like I was.  I trust this is because Dennis told you that I’m ready to throw down at a moments notice or some shit.

I’m more into verbal confrontation than physical confrontation.  I don’t need to raise a fist, but I’ll defend myself. I told you about what happened in Texas.  I defended myself each time.  That’s basically the only two fights I’ve gotten in in my adult life.  Not that bad, all things considering.  The reason for each was too much partying.  It wasn’t even me doing the partying for both, I had just gotten off work and came back to fucking drama.

That’s something I wish you weren’t doing.  Partying too much.  I probably won’t stop you from drinking and smoking pot, but I’m not going to endorse it.

You do have a really skewed image of me.  Deny it if you want to, but it’s true.  One of the most traumatizing things since this happened were your wide and confused eyes.  You thought I hated you?  Who gave you that idea?  Me, sitting by myself hating life?  Or was it perhaps Dennis?  Then you thought I was going to hurt Dennis?  You thought I was going to hurt you?

I have a temper, but it’s mostly benign.  I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, but I’d never hurt you out of anger.  I’m not sure I could hurt Dennis either, and I hate him.  Like, literally, as far as I’m concerned the bridges are burned.  But I wouldn’t hit him.  Except when I met him when I came back from Texas the first time, but I didn’t hit him hard.  It was a surprise.  We hugged afterwards. Again, I never hated Dennis until he turned you against me.  I never hated Daniel, either.  I never hated Shane.  I don’t hate many people.

I want to offer you an invitation to Adela’s.  Honestly, I don’t know what you’re going to do.  You made it seem like Texas wasn’t an option anymore.  But, whatever the case, you can still come with me.  You can have window and I’ll try to give you your space.  I’ll try not to talk much.  I didn’t want to message you today or yesterday but idk.  Something told me I should reach out.  I blame those weird dreams.

I’m going to be more active, I guess.  I’m going to try to not mention how bad I feel or felt when talking to you.  I’ll force myself to be cordial, sort of like what you said you were doing while we were in person.  That still hurts, you know?  I forgave you, though, so I’m healing.  I just wish you knew what I forgave you for.

After this sentence, there will be 9585 words in this journal.  I think that includes the number but I’m not sure.  I’m not going to talk about Dennis anymore in today’s entry, so please keep reading.

I couldn’t get much sleep after that dream.  Have a lot of time to think.  Cynthia was such a little brat.  Very annoying.  Could totally be your daughter.  Same shade of hair, with oversized pink glasses.  Honestly, I feel if we did have children they’d have darker hair but who knows?  Our dream son was only a toddler.  Like, either he couldn’t speak yet or he was shy.  Had dark hair and a bowl cut.  Also a nerd.

Hopefully, if we do ever have children, they’ll have my eyesight.  I know you don’t want them but it’s hypothetical, so why not imagine?  Remember how we were talking about names?  Avril was one I was really big on.  I guess you convinced me to go with Cynthia.  Not sure how, but you did it. Probably put it in the contract while I wasn’t looking.  We should probably have a witness when we sign it, just to ensure both our safety. If we do redo the contract, we’ll have to avoid intentionally hiding certain topics.  It was fun for the earlier contracts, but I want us to get serious again.  Hopefully we will be. I’d forgive Dennis for everything if it meant another chance at being your boyfriend.  Not just friend, but boyfriend.  Otherwise, wouldn’t be worth it.  A friend would have helped our relationship, not profit from it.  Thus, we’ll need to get back together before I can forgive him again. Look at that.  I said I wouldn’t talk about Dennis but I did anyways. Really, it’s more talking about us.  His involvement is moot.  Still, said I wouldn’t mention it.  It’s frustrating.  No more after this, I promise.

It’s weird that you needed space from me.  I mean… you had all the space you wanted.  Again, super inactive roommate.  That’s one of the things that has baffled me about this entire affair, but if you need it you’ll get it.  I want to work with you.  Of course, it’s hard to measure progress while you’re away.

What really upset me was it felt like you were making excuses to not finish things.  Like… it was supposed to be Thursday for you to do all these things.  Then Saturday.  Then Wednesday.  I was prepared for you to take your things, but you kept postponing.  I thought I did something wrong because we weren’t talking.  I should have trusted you, but… it’s hard.  I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn’t know how to improve on it.

I said a lot of very hurtful things, iirc.  I did hurtful things not just to you but to me.  I suffered from temporary insanity.  I’ve never been this hurt about anything before.  Like… I strangled myself.  I hit myself so hard, I left bruises.  Of course, hole in wall…  I was just feeling hopeless and that there was no one I could turn to.

I feel better now.  Been using this journal to vent.  And I have Daniel.  Sometimes Shane.  Jeremiah has been more available.  Like… my life shattered but things are getting placed back together.  A bit slowly for my tastes, but I’ll work with it. I’d do anything to get you back in my life. You’re the final piece.  You complete me.  It’s hard to get put back together when you’re so opposed to be that final piece.

I think if we got back together, I’d be more protective.  Probably more anal about things.  You’d probably call me “Andrew” but I wouldn’t care.  I’d be livid if you were to cut yourself.  You tell me, “Oh, I just needed to” and I won’t accept that as an answer.  Learning that from you but mostly learning that because you tend to not say what you mean directly.  You’re afraid of confrontation and I forgot about this.  Therefore, you made our break sound vague.  You flatout lied about it.  You hid your cuts from me and then blamed me when it seemed like I didn’t care.

I care.  I always care.  The first time you cut yourself, I kept to myself.  I wanted to cry, really.  I wanted more substance but all I got was “I needed it” and that is a half-assed answer.

After how you treated me… yeah, I’m not surprised that I thought you hated me.  Put yourself in my shoes.  Just for a minute.  Consider how you’ve made me feel. This entire time, I’ve placed myself in your shoes and I’ve tried to reach out.  I thought I was doing what was best, but you did need time and I didn’t give it. When I try to fix something, it becomes my project.  Sitting around waiting… well, it makes me depressed.  Not sure you noticed.  That said, I don’t feel like you’ve been very empathetic. I’m probably going to exercise in a bit.  It’s 7:36 so it’s pretty early.  It’d make up for me pigging out last night and yesterday. Normally, I pig out because… DEPRESSION, go figure but this time I guess I was just super hungry.  And Daniel was paying, so free meal, amirite?  ;)

The girl I was flirting with.  I basically stopped talking to her after I spoke to you on skype yesterday.  Kinda feel bad.  I’ll message her again later today, but it’s not right for me to put people to the side because I’m feeling moody.  If anything, I learned that from how I treated you.

I know I said I was going to exercise, but with minimal sleep, I might try to rest and then exercise when I wake up.  I know, making excuses but it’s cold and I’m feeling tired.  I wish you were here.  A cold bed is best spent with a warm body.  And frankly, there are none warmer than yours.  <3

Cheesy flirt, I know, but you said I should flirt more with you.  I did but you didn’t notice. So, now I have to be ultra obvious.  Like, SO obvious.  It’s not so bad.  Cheesy is good; too bad it’s not going to be a part of my diet soon.

Anyways, I’m going to get some rest.  You’ll probably message me in about two hours and I won’t message you until four probably.  I’ll try to wake up sooner.  I miss you.  I love you.  Talk to me soon, yeah? Good night (or morning).  You’re beautiful.  <3

Can’t sleep.  Too much on my mind I guess.  It happens.  Maybe when everything is over I’ll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time.  As I was saying, you’re welcome to come with me to Texas. Don’t even need to stay at Adela’s.  We can drop you off at Shane’s the next day, if that’s alright.  Thing is, we’re waiting for the hurricanes to pass and for the flooding to clear.  As soon as that’s done, I’m getting a ticket and I’m out of here. With or without you.

I miss our relationship in Adela’s. You say I was always on my computer but what I remember was us doing dishes together, running around the neighborhood, doing little things.  I miss that.  Here?  Can’t do that here.  It’s a black hole.  I hate it here.  My sister didn’t come over yesterday, btw. It’s nice because she’s such a hassle.  My dad can be too but he’s been rather impartial.  My mom has been super energetic and supportive.  I think she misses you, but I won’t ask her.  Not yet.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted the blog yet.  To me, that means there is still hope.  Or you pity me enough to leave me my last bastion. Whatever the case, I’m glad.  I check it everyday.  I reload the page several times a day, just to check if it’s still there.  It helps.  You said you had it so when I broke up with you, I’d feel bad.

I impulsively click on Skype to get here.  To write in my journal, I think “Click the blue!”  Reason for this, if I had to guess, is because the journal is specifically targeted to you and right now I have several messages sent to you over Skype.  I don’t think I’ll accidentally send you any journal entries but it’s amusing.  I hope you’re willing to chat.

I hope these hurricanes pass soon.  No offense, but I need to get away. Nice neutral territory, you know?  Adela’s a nice person.  Even if you broke up with me and insisted to never see me again and also set my hair on fire, she’d still meet up for bubble tea.  People like you.  She loves you.  Adriana loves you.  Everyone loves you.  I love you the most, though.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Of course, it could be said I’m trying now. Except I’m not trying, this is me coping.  Whether you read it or not, it’s hard to say but I know it’s been helping me.  Maybe I should keep a journal more often.  Except instead of a journal about you, it’ll be a journal for me.  And instead of me consistently updating like I have been with this one, I’ll actually do the end of the day update like I wanted to do.  Maybe I should get you a journal…  Your birthday is right around the corner.  I want to get you something.

Soon. Probably won’t do Christmas.  Thing is, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’m going to be all by myself at Adela’s.  Not a bad thing, but I don’t know how I’d fare.  If I slipped into a fit of depression, I might not be able to handle it by myself. :/

Don’t consider that as me wanting you to be by my side during those events.  I know Shane is taking you somewhere for Thanksgiving.  It’s not an invitation (though if you really wanted to stay with me, I wouldn’t say no).  You don’t need to spend the time with me and you don’t owe me anything.  I’m just talking my mind. That said, I remember last Thanksgiving.  It was just me and Max and I stayed in the guest bedroom.  I kept to myself and didn’t eat anything that day.  Christmas was a bit better because Adela was there, sort of.  We went to that party where I got drunk and played blackjack.

My hair was longer then.  I’m surprised it’s taking this long to grow out.  Normally it’d be longer.  I’m getting older… or I’m more stressed.  I miss feeling your fingers run through my hair. It’s soothing.  Everything about you is soothing.  I should have appreciated you more.  Well, I know better now.

I think the day after Thanksgiving, I went to go get Whataburger.  Might have walked.  Can’t recall.  I usually do fast food when I’m depressed.  Probably why I gained SO much weight… that and I’ve been inactive.  I gained 80 pounds. EIGHTY pounds.  That’s a lot.  I feel so disgusting…  Whataburger was good though.  I’ll miss it while I’m down there.  Because it’s so close yet it’s totally forbidden.  If you and I go out, we’ll have to get Subway.  And my sandwich won’t get cheese. I’ll force myself to only eat half and save the rest. Thing is, I eat fast.  I really need to slow down.  I try but… eh.  I really need to be more aware when I eat.  I guess I’m like a shark. I just see food and get into a feeding frenzy.  RAWR!!!  IMMA SHERK!!!  GIVE ME UR FISHIES!!! Except for Moshi.  Moshi is friend; not food. I miss Moshi.  I wake up and look over where she used to be and feel… disappointed.  She was literally the reason I woke up in the morning.  I’d go back to bed, but it gave me something to do.  I really need to start exercising today.  But I’ll do that later today.  Thinking about Texas… the first time.  Before we met.  I had a TV, cable, faster internet, Ahnassi…  I wanted to come back though because there was no one I hung out with in Texas.  Didn’t have any friends or family because my brother moved to Oklahoma and left me there by myself.  I was fine in my little apartment but my dad rushed me out.  I didn’t want to stay, mind you, but I needed more time.  I was saving up to afford to leave but my dad offered to pay for everything.  Unfortunately, that means we only had enough to put in our trucks and nothing else.  I left the TV, the TV stand, a table plus chairs… so much I left behind.  I was charged for leaving stuff in the apartment.  It was bullshit, the money I had saved went into paying off my bills from a place I wasn’t even at anymore.  Worse yet, before I paid off one of them (cable bill) my dad said I shouldn’t.  What would they do? Ruin my credit is what.  Thanks, Dad. I know you’ve heard that before, but… Idk, I’m reminiscing.  I was totally isolated then but I used to call my friends on this computer.  I had the TV on in the background because it was nice to have.  Usually Comedy Central because I needed the laugh.  I think… that’s why I’m always on this computer.  I didn’t used to be this bad, I just haven’t realized it. Christ, loneliness sucks.  I didn’t expect to do so much self discovery with this journal.

I used to go out.  I went to clubs but I stopped because I got tired of spending money on drinking.  I used to go on dates with girls.  I was really into the activist scene.  I had a V for Vendetta mask and went to the Million Mask March.  I want to again…  I’d want to take you.  Happens every November Fifth.

I feel… addicted to the computer.  More than ever.  I don’t even want to type on it.  Right now, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t.  Maybe the computer is to blame?  Idk, maybe I should limit my use of the computer to when I’m only writing.

I depend on my vices a lot.  I guess your pot is the same as my computer.  You allow it, but you don’t encourage it.  I guess you were patient with me.  More than you should have been. If it’s alright with you, I might just talk about my past today.  At least until I fall asleep or if you message me on Skype.  Whatever comes first.

I graduated high school in the middle of a recession.  It was so hard finding a job.  I applied EVERYWHERE and my dad often drove me.  I had a car, but we made it a little event.  Unfortunately, he lives in the 60’s and 70’s.  The way you apply for a job is different than it was then.  The first job I got, I wasn’t even applying for.  The Lumberjack used to be Black Bear Diner and I applied there and I was told they weren’t taking any applications.  I was disheartened because I had applied to all these places and that was the last place I applied to.  I was ready to go home with my dad when this short man with a gravelly voice stopped me outside.  He offered me a job as a freelancer.

Basically, he worked construction with Walmart.  Those shopping cart cages?  I placed the little blocks on top of them.  It was neat.  I road on a forklift lifting a panel. That panel is where I stood.  I also riveted down a lot of the isles and did other things.  I enjoyed it and the pay was nice.  Problem was it was at night so I slept during the day.  I had this crush on this girl at the time… she’s married now, but we were close friends.  I was just in the friend zone and couldn’t get out.  When I have a crush on someone, I have a crush.  I didn’t lose my virginity until later, of course. Not trying to talk about my love life (or rather, lack of).  Talking about Walmart. The job didn’t last long.  The guy I worked with eventually got into it with the dude who ran the Walmart and left.  I never got my last paycheck, but I didn’t care.  I had experience.  Turned out, it didn’t mean shit.  I’ll talk more about my job history tomorrow. In High School, I had a few crushes.  Never amounted to anything.  My first kiss was with this girl.  Heather Harmon was her name.  It was before I went to Credence (which is a continuation high school).  There was this dance which I didn’t want to go to.  I felt so awkward just being there.  I was a Freshman and I wanted to go home.  However, I was told by Heather’s friend that this girl in a curly blouse thought I was cute.  I was like, “Oh?” and super surprised.  I misheard her and thought she said something different from blouse.  Don’t remember what I thought she said.  All I remember is that I approached the wrong girl and said, “Hey, I heard you thought I was cute?” The girl looked at me, laughed, and said no.  Ouch.  What a bitch.  I went back to where I was sitting, feeling even worse when Heather’s friend got back and brought Heather with her.  Asked why I didn’t ask Heather out to a dance and I said I didn’t know she was who she was talking about.  The friend grabbed a sleeve and reiterated blouse. That’s the thing, dances and clubs and all that dumb shit… the music is just too loud.  Can’t hear shit.

Anyways, she asked me to dance and I said I didn’t know how.  She said it’s fine, she’ll teach me.  She dragged me onto the floor and we began dancing.  I was dancing horribly but she seemed fine with it.  Then the music cut to ‘slow dance’ music and we slow danced.  In the middle of it all, she kissed me.

It caught me off guard and I was so surprised.  But also happy.  I enjoyed even the small amount of affection.  She had to leave early, however, so left soon after.  My mom eventually picked me up and I left too.  On the way back, I saw her again, crossing the street.  I didn’t really remember what she looked like until I saw her outside of the dance which was ironic.  I was so surprised and caught in the moment that I couldn’t focus.

You’re probably wondering what she looked like.  She was a bit on the heavy side but she had a cute face.  Thing is, she liked to play the field if you know what I mean.  She broke up with me once and I took it easy. Then we dated again and broke up again.  Then she wanted to go out for a third time and I said no. She was a year older than me which I felt was odd.  Sophomore dating a Freshman.  That class politics, amirite? We were dorks.  Basically grade school relationship in high school.  Of course, I discovered several girls had crushes on me but I never noticed.  I was always too focused on my own crushes to notice others.  God, I felt bad about that.  I didn’t mean to be so neglectful.  I didn’t mean to be rude.  I just didn’t notice. So, I probably could have lost my virginity sooner.  Then again, I was a young republican for the longest time so I’m lucky I didn’t lose it later.  Of which, I lost it in the back of my truck on that trail we were on a while back. It’s a good trail.  Miss yooooou… <3

Anyways, the crush I had that persisted after high school.  I was close with her family, but there was nothing that ever happened between us.  She eventually moved away for college and I eventually moved to Texas. We still talked in my early days.  I guess I stopped talking to her when everything started to go sour in my life.

Huh, I messaged her a happy birthday this year.  I’m surprised, I didn’t wish ANYONE a happy birthday this year.  Then the year before during the same month.  Seems I commented on one of her posts and we discussed it in PM. Interesting.  That’s life. She was very funny.  Had a lot of problems though, sort of like you.  Stop me if you heard this before, but her mother was a very abusive ultra-christian.  I even went to church with her mother.  I guess if I had a type, that’d be it.

I’m not sure why, but I’m drawn to girls with issues.  Not because I want to feed off it but because I used to want to help.  Remember me with that “You’re beautiful” thing?  That’s not a flirt, that was me building your self-esteem.  Remember how I tried to reinforce your self-esteem?  I guess I’d be considered a white knight.  At least, I used to be.  Not so much now.  I’ve been bitter and the last girls I were with didn’t seek help really.  I was in it for the sex, not the relationship.

If I had to guess a physical type, I like your body but I also like curves.  So bigger butt maybe.  Boobs would be nice too.

Eh, I might not have a type.  I feel so shallow thinking about it.  You have the perfect body in my eyes, though.  Not why I love you.  If you were less attractive, I’d still be fond of you.  I can look past looks, but I feel I’m letting go of a piece of my person.  You can be an intellectual, you could be thoughtful, you could be compassionate, you could be reasonable… though, you’ve been less reasonable as of late.  Just saying.  >.>

Really, I like you.  I like you a lot.  Your body is great, but I can live without it.  Sometimes, I think you’re too attractive because boys are always hitting on you.  And, apparently, they made the flirting game increase in difficulty.  Ah, fuck.  -,-

I really want you to read this.  I want to tell you about the journal, but it’s a surprise.  You probably don’t want to talk to me right now, anyways.  :/

A lot of memories today.  I’m going to share the section about the first kiss.  Literal copy and paste. However, more information will be here as opposed to as on Skype. I’m not sure how you’ll take it, but that’s alright. I remember!  It wasn’t blouse.  Heather’s friend said “Shirt” and I heard “Skirt.”  Same concept, similar sound.  It wasn’t blouse but shirt and skirt.  Yeah, I can be a dweeb too.  Nothing is sacred.

My parents are talking about me going to Texas.  They talk loud because my dad is deaf.  My dad doesn’t sound so keen and I’m not sure how my mom feels, but she’s supporting me on this.

My mom just came in and asked me when I wanted the ticket.  She was a bit forceful.  I guess she’s annoyed that I haven’t done anything and that I just want to leave.  I’m talking to Adela.  Her mom is coming up for her birthday which is early in October.  I kind of want to get there after her mom leaves so I have that super comfy bed. Far better than this bed.  Good memories of it, too.  Because you were always on it.  <3

Flirting.  That was flirting. That’s something I miss.  That one dream where you were possessed by that demon cat was fucking crazy but it was hot.  You’re super sexy and I miss it.  I neeeeeeeed it.  Probably; men apparently need sex at least once a week for their mental health. I heard that from a co-worker and I’m not sure how true it is. I’ll admit, I’ve been mentally better so perhaps there is some truth to it.

Last time I saw you, I had actually hoped we’d have sex one last time. Unfortunately, I was a muttering whimp and couldn’t contain myself. I wanted affection over sex… how dumb am I?  If you answered “Pretty dumb” then you’d be correct.  I guess I wasn’t even in the mood.

I think I’d fair better in our next meeting.  I’ve been venting!  Without judgment, too!  At least for now.  And the first entry was pretty whiny but I worked through it. Could delete it, but that’d defeat the purpose of a journal.  You write what’s on your mind.  At least, that’s what I’m thinking. If not, at least it’s a placebo.  Really, that’s the only pill I really need right now.  Just gotta believe. And I believe in us.  I believe we’ll get back together.  Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s nice to believe.  Faith is fun, eh? I’ve had this pimple on my nose.  It was big and greasy.  Couldn’t get rid of it with that tea tree oil stuff but I tried to pop it.  Not much effect, it’s just scabbing now.  I look like a rhinoceros right now.  Big, fat, skin condition, rhino. Ugh… be positive. Anyways, the scab is annoying but it’ll heal soon.  My cuts look like they’re going to be light scars but they’re subtle.  Not my first scars but they seemed to cut the deepest, pun unintended.  Again, I was just… so upset.  Really should have started this journal sooner.

Anyways, I think I’m rambling now.  I’m going to try to catch some sleep. It’s currently 11am and you’re still not awake.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to.  My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is super active.  My dad wants me to take the garbage to the dump but they’re not open on Sunday.  Maybe he’ll realize this.  Anyways, trying again for sleep.  I love you, Esther.  I hope you’ve read this far.

Current time is 1:21pm.  Still, no sleep.  We had a pretty long conversation. You revealed a lot.  I think you revealed that you’d never forgive me.  Man, that hurts…  Crying now.  My heart… the muscle in my chest?  It physically hurts.  So much…  I’m sorry I neglected you.  I’ve changed, I swear.

I appreciate your honesty… it was blunt.  I guess I needed to hear it.  It’ll help me become a better person.  It’s just… damn. Never have I hated myself more than I do right this very moment. It’s not that great to be me right now.  I can’t prove to you that I’ve changed because there is no way to prove it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle.  You… really don’t want to see me.

The irony is… I still think you care. Might be wrong, but it feels like it.  Maybe the voice I’m reading your statements is just more merciful than I allow to be read.  I’d sacrifice anything for a chance to get back in your good graces.  I wish I knew how to convince you that things would be better… If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still alive.  So I’m safe, you have nothing to worry about.  Of course, if you’re reading this that means everything after has already happened.  It’s probably not even September anymore.  So, yeah… right now, I guess you just have to trust I won’t do anything permanent. Good news for current you… I’m not messaging you from now on until you message me.  I might message you before I go to Texas, but that’d be it.  I think that’s worthy for an exception, no? That said, I guess… my journal entries are going to get longer.  At least until I invest myself in something with a lot of time consumption.  I want to message you every day.  I told you about the journal.  THE JOURNAL!!!  I don’t know why, ruined the surprise… and you couldn’t care less. Or maybe you did care; you just didn’t show it.  You have a better poker face than I do.

The way you ended it sounded like you were annoyed with me, however. “gtg” is probably unlikely.  I would normally ask Daniel or Adriana to confirm if you’re going anywhere else.  Thing is, I don’t need to.  You are just tired of hearing me beg.  And I get it… that’s the fucked up thing.  I get it.  Honestly, you deserve a prince to descend from on high and sweep you off your feet.  I’m no prince, I’m just some asshole.  I think I’d leave me too.

I’m going to try to go to sleep.  Hopefully for the final time.  When I wake up, expect me to talk about some dream where you were in a wedding dress and where I was in furs, beating things with a stick and speaking with only one syllable words.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me… and I took you for granted.  I want to make up for it. But I can’t… maybe I never will…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

The light hurts my eyes.  It’s currently 8pm.  I think I got five hours of sleep.  I say that because I posted on Facebook before I dozed off.  It doesn’t matter.

I don’t feel good.  I didn’t have any dreams and I woke up… physically numb.  It’s hard to do simple things like move my fingers to type this.  You won’t get to see it but I’m hitting backspace a lot.  I went to the kitchen to get myself food.  I was hungry before we chatted but I took a bite out of something my dad made and couldn’t finish it.

I have a banana and a bottle of water.  I’m going to try to eat something and drink something.  After that, I think I’ll go back to bed.  Tomorrow has to be better than this.

Maybe it will be.  I’ll have to go to the dump tomorrow.  It’ll just be me going to town.  Alone.  I’ll then get a Subway sandwich.  Alone.

It’s not as bad as it sounds… I think I need the solitude right now, ironically.  I could always reach out to people if I need a friend. I’m okay.  I’ll be fine.  Despite how I feel now, I know we had a good talk despite it’s brash ending.  Your Facebook nickname is “Still the Most Beautiful.”  It’s dumb; not because you’re not the most beautiful but because you’ll never see it.  You’ll see my nickname, which I cleared.

I think you’ve seen my post.  Probably rolled your eyes and ignored it.  It’s me venting.  You’ve judged me VERY harshly in the past for my venting.  I know you don’t think you did, but you have. You’ve been pretty unreasonable.  I guess you’re trying to prove a point.  If I were feeling better, maybe I’d guess what that point is.

It doesn’t matter.  Nothing really matters.  I’ve accepted this.

You’re probably not going to read my journal.  Going to be a lot of entries I can see… for what?  Well, it calms me down and keeps me collected.  Guess it’s not that bad.

You know, the link I’ve linked you… The Scientist by Coldplay.  I’ve always liked the song but only now have I listened to the lyrics.  I don’t just listen to the song… I feel it.  It’s hard to explain but… I’m lost in the lyrics listening to the meaning.  The music video is great too, btw.  Not that I’ve been watching it.  A lot of weird physics in it, though. Maybe you and I can watch the music video in reverse and I can show you sometime… heh… Anyways, I don’t feel like writing anymore today.  I’m going to have a snack and then go to bed… again.  I’ll talk more tomorrow, alright?  I still love you.  Good night.